#i gain that much and lose it in like a month and you cant even tell lol like bruh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sanest-bsd-delegate · 1 year

Note

Hey sorry friend! Here, i will request it separately for you.

Can you make headcanons for taking care of dazai after the prison arc? I feel really really bad for him and i just want to let him sleep and dote on him for weeks.

P.s. he deserves warm food and head rubs and for people to stop talking shit about him. 😭

Reunion with blood and tears

Headcanon: Dazai is reunited with his lover after his escape Dazai x Fem! Reader Masterlist Tysm anon for the request! Hope this doesn't disappoint your heart :)

Dazai Osamu was laughing. That's the first thing he does escaping the prison.

You looked bloody and beaten up badly but nevertheless you came to pick him up (I mean duh, he is the Osamu transferring information through his heartbeat Dazai)

"Osamu, please, I can't even think to loss you again" that's the first thing you would say to him as you hug him tightly, sobbing .

You know this man, despite having the happy shell, even he breaks down crying and in that embrace none of you wanted to separate.

You stared at the exit all covered in blood and wounds but you couldn't care less. Your lover was sent to the prison long ago for the past crimes he did. He was the former port mafia executive, you knew sooner or later he had to pay his deed, but this was a ruthless act.

And in the moment time didn't exist for you as you stared at you lover, so beaten up and broken almost limping to an extent and you couldn't even help him by taking his pain away. All you could do was hug and embrace him in your arms and you wept. Sooner then expected, for the second time in his life, Osamu Dazai cried, because he was relieved to go back somewhere who he could call home.

Now Now, that was one moment you had. Because of this mess created by DOA, the best service you could provide a runaway criminal was your own secret base like home.

The only supply you could give that moment was giving him food and bandages, as he proceeds to bath. He was limping badly and you told him that you could least have the made-up support for him but he brushed of saying it wasn't a big deal.

You then forcefully make him seated on the bed considering his physique screamed broken bones which you couldn't heal.

Dazai was silent all the time, he wasn't eating nor talking and seemed to lost his touch, simply showing his true nature.

You know this was the real Osamu Dazai, the one without the barrier of fake happiness. He already had bags under his eyes as if he never slept, and how fragile and thin he had gotten over the past few months.

"Dazai? Osamu, Darling please eat something, i made you some crab soup you always liked" You would plead as he just stare as you.

"I don't wish to eat right now"

And that was the moment that broke your heart. You know it would be to much for him to intake such a heavy meal so you simply came back with some fruits, cut in bits and you proceed to take a seat next to him and open his mouth.

"I love you babes but if you cant eat, i will have to forcefully make you eat, I don't want anyone to die at me"

You swear you could hear him saying 'kinky', before you proceed to fed him food.

"Good boy Osamu, you finished your food" You said joyfully giving him a head pat as you proceed to keep the dishes in the kitchen.

Head pats, rubs and hugs.... that's what he needs

He wouldn't open up to you fully and you respected his decision.

You finished up everything as you re-bandaged his wounds later at night, which seemed to fallen quiet early today.

Dazai seemed to have gained his energy, and willingly ate up all the crab soup you made.

Currently you were in the bed with him, hugging him so closely not wanting to lose him again. This war was to much. You didn't wanted anyone to die, especially you two but it was your duty, to save people's future even if it meant to destroy your own.

"Hey Osamu, promise me you wouldn't pull any of this stunt again understand? I already lost much and I don't want you loss anyone more" You said as you bury your face lightly against his chest, listening to his heartbeat which could tell wonders.

Dazai pulled you closed, his arms around you and he secures the position, his head above your head, for the first time after his escape he spoke, "Y/N I love you and I promise I wouldn't change it for the world, I wouldn't leave you, I promise"

You looked up to see him sighing with his breathe, as he slowly closes his eyes, letting the darkness wash over him yet again, but this time within the comfort of his lover by his side and it was a sight you would never change it for the world.

'I love you Osamu Dazai' you whisper as you watch him fall asleep, least with a small hinted smile on his face.

Loosing yourself a little, you kissed him on his forehead and then lightly on his lips before embracing him yet again under the covers of your bed with your lover beside you, as you listen to his heartbeat, and you swore you could decode his heartbeat saying I love you too.

Hope this satisfy all those dazai kinnies including anon and me, cus Dazai deserves much more then all this. honestly idk if this directed mainly towards the hc! But dazai fluff is all we need.

643 notes · View notes

secretly-tumb1r · 1 month

Note

I loveeeee the jj, enemies to lovers 🫦

omg yes absolutely (btw in this story JJ’s dad is called James bc we don’t stan L*ke)

JJ was a part of your life since you can remember. He was the son of your dad’s best friend. But that didn’t keep you from absolutely despising his guts.

He was the type of guy to rip off all you dolls heads and shave their hair off. The type of guy who would kick you with the muddiest ball he could find, ruining your perfect pink dress, the type of guy that you hated.

Whenever your Uncle James (your dad’s best friend) would come over with JJ, which was basically everyday, you hid in your room to avoid the mischievous blond.

You had overheard your dad and James talk about how James is moving out of OBX for a job, their tones heartbreaking. Sure you hated JJ, but you loved your Uncle James, he was like a second dad to you and it wasn’t his fault his son was the spawn of satan.

A part of you was devastated they were moving away, but a bigger part was happy that you will finally gain peace from JJ and his doll killing ways.

it was a Saturday morning, when your mother woke you up to go to the Maybanks’ house, as it was their last day in OBX.

“ma do i really have to go? I already said bye to them last night! Plus i hate JJ!”

“y/n don’t be so mean, get up and get dressed”

That was 3 years ago. You were 13 and JJ was 13 and 2 months. Even though he was Only 2 months older, he always would make fun of you for being younger.

“Y/n you do as i say because i’m older” he’s say with a proud look on his face.

Flash forward to 3 years when the maybank family have decided to move back to their home town. The outer banks, paradise on earth. As expected you were not excited at all, remembering how awful JJ was before he moved away. You also were not eager to lose your peace to JJ Maybank.

“y/n come downstairs!!” your mother called eagerly. She did not see JJ’s evil side like you did, and never understood how you could hate him so much. In her eyes, he could do nothing wrong. He was like a second child to her.

You groan and get up, slowly making your way down the stairs to attempt to make your peace last for even a few minutes.

Once you come down the final step, JJ, sitting on your couch, turns around to face you. You cant believe your eyes. He’s.. gorgeous.

woah you think to yourself he’s changed so much in the last 3 years

“y/n! c’mere i’ve missed you!” JJ stands up pulling you into a hug. You freeze. For the first time in your life, your opinion about JJ changes. He looks and feels different.

You allow yourself to melt into his touch as his hands rest on your waist, yours on his shoulders making the hug much more intimate than you intended, and less than he did.

You see, you never knew but JJ had a massive crush on you, and he was devastated to leave you, but now? now that he’s moved back? He was gonna make you his.

Please comment if you want a part 2!!

#rudy pankow #obx fanfiction #obx jj #18+#jj maybank obx #rafe obx #secretly tumblr #jj obx #obx #obx smut

39 notes · View notes

jenniferjareauwife · 29 days

Note

I’m in my depressed era, so I would love to read about JJ helping her teenage daughter with a restrictive eating disorder <3

I Feel Like I Can't Eat

pairing: jennifer jareau x daughter reader

category: hurt/comfort

warnings: eating disorder

word count: 942

age: 15

summary: you've been struggling with an eating disorder and your mom notices so she helps you

a/n: i am too in my depressive era and am a hoe for hurt/comfort <3

I bit my lip as I stared at the food in front of me. This was the first time I was eating a meal with my mom in two months due to her crazy work schedule and my sports schedule.

"Do you not like it?" My mom asked softly. "I can make you something else." It was a new dish so I knew she would most likely buy the excuse.

"Yeah...sorry mom." She shook her head, signaling not to apologize before kissing my temple and putting my bowl on the kitchen counter for later.

"Y/n?" She asked as she opened the fridge.

"Yeah?"

"Why is the fridge full?"

"Because I went shopping." I said quickly.

"There's no new food in here." I felt my heart beat quickly. She knew. Of course she knew she was a profiler for the fucking BAU and I was her daughter she knew me like the back of her hand. She knew. "What's with the anxious face?"

"Mom..." I trailed off as she walked towards me with a fruit smoothie. "I'm not hungry." I could tell by her face that she wasn't buying it.

"Baby...I need you to talk to me."

"About what?"

"Don't play dumb, ok? I'm sorry that I haven't been here for a while, I'm really sorry about that. I love spending time with you and I love you more than anything. You know that right?" I nodded and leaned forward as she placed a kiss on my forehead. "But just because I've been gone doesn't mean that I haven't noticed things, ok? Now I need you to tell me what's going on so I can help." She reached for my hand and squeezed it in reassurance.

"I just..." I paused for a second, trying to figure out how to get the words out, thankfully she was patient with me. "I don't know...I just feel like I can't..."

"Cant what baby?" I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. She put her hand on my back and rubbed it slowly.

"I feel like I can't eat." It came out as a whisper.

"Can you elaborate on that honey?"

"It's not that I don't like food...I mean I still like food...I think." It took me a few seconds to string together a sentence. "I just...I can't do it. Because it's so bad for me- mom I'm losing weight! I've wanted that for so long, you know that! And I'm finally getting it but after I'm done working out I get hungry but when I look at food I just get..."

"Nauseous? Anxious?" She finished my thoughts for me and I nodded. "So you still want to eat? You just feel like you can't?" I shrugged. "I can't help if you don't tell me everything baby."

"When I stopped eating I saw how much weight I was losing and I...I just stopped. It wasn't even the intentional at first but it really works, it really helps me lose weight but now I'm just...I'm scared to gain any weight back." I explained. "And I know it's bad, I know but whenever I go to take a bite of something it's like every cell in my body is screaming at me to stop and I can't fight past it." I took a shallow breath and clasped my hands together.

"Hey. Deep breaths." She told me softly, rubbing my back again, sighing as she felt how skinny I had gotten. "It's ok baby, just deep breaths, ok?" I leaned against her and hugged her arm.

"Do you want me to call your therapist? Tell her you need to start seeing her again?" I shrugged.

"I don't know if I want to do that yet."

"But don't you think it would be good to have someone to talk to?" She pointed out but I didn't say anything. She got the hint that I really didn't want to go to my therapist again so she just gave my knee a soft squeeze. "Well what can I do to help?" Her voice was unbelievably soft.

"Be here?" I shrugged and my eyes widened as I realized what I said. I knew how guilty she felt for never being here and I didn't want to make her feel bad, I didn't even mean it that way.

"Ok. Done. I'll take a month off, ok?"

"But-"

"Hey, no buts. I just want to make sure you're ok. You're my daughter honey I want to help you in any way I can." I nodded and squeezed her arm tighter. "You can come to me for anything, ok? I want you to know that y/n." I nodded. "Come here." She pulled me into her arms in a tight hug, something I had needed from her for months but was too scared to ask for.

After a few minutes she tried to pull away from the hug but I didn't let her. "I need you." I whispered.

"Ok. I'm not going anywhere." She assured me. "I love you so much y/n." She slowly rocked us back and forth, knowing that it calmed me down. "Starting tomorrow you're gonna eat at least two meals a day, ok?"

"Mom-"

"No protests. You need nutrition to survive honey. I'm not going to be lenient with this, ok? I need you to eat food. You need to eat food." She stroked my hair. "You can always talk to me about anything but I will be a hardass about you eating, ok?" I nodded, that seemed fair. If I had a kid I would do the same thing. "I love you kiddo."

"I love you too mom."

#criminal minds #jennifer jareau #x reader #x daughter reader #jennifer jareau x reader #x daughter!reader

27 notes · View notes

zaidthefeederist · 3 months

Text

Giving in to gluttony : A fit to fat story (part 1)

We were both at the gym after work just like most days. This is where we first met. I saw you on the squat rack and was enamored by your beauty (and the perfect ass you had definitely helped). I approached you and we went on a date and had been dating since then. Though we both were fitness freaks (i still am) there's a part of me i haven't told you about. A part of me that would rather have you tied up in my bed sporting a fat belly so big it hangs to your knees. I've kept it in check for as long as i can, you had only gained 10 pounds in our 4 months together and a lot of that has been muscle definition since we started working out. Today however, it all changes. One faithful injury changes everything.

"This….freaking….sucks" I say grumpy as I sit next to you in the car. We just came back from the first aid room. I look at my leg and shake my head "no lifting, no cardio…and no rock climbing for 6 months?!" I cross my arms and sigh "That also means I really have to watch what I eat…else I end up like one of those fat girls at the gym" The other day we had been making jokes about a chubby girl that was struggling to do basic cardio

"god i know baby, its not fair at all. Not having you at the gym is going to make me lose all my motivation, not to mention who else will i make fun of the fatties with" i look to you after we both laugh to ourselves.."dont worry though babe. ill take good care of you, You know i've been making myself a better and better cook. Ill make sure your diet goes exactly according to plan.." i say as i keep my hand on your toned thigh, giving it a rub and feeling ecstatic and the though of having a home bound girlfriend for 6 whole months.

**2 weeks later**

"im so bored" I sigh before taking another cookie that you made me. "Im usually at the gym right now" Another cookie goes into my stomach. I dont seem to notice the little bit of pudge that was pressing on to my waistband when I sat down like this. You had noticed that I did a lot of "boredom eating"…and recently…I had also started snacking when I was stressed or feeling a little down.

"Im done babe!" i yell, having baked another batch of cookies. The last 2 weeks have been heavenly. Turns out when liz is left to her own devices with nothing else to do, she becomes rather peckish. Its nothing insane yet but she'll never say no to a little treat every now and then. With the absence of the gym and with me making sure to always make every meal of hers just a bit more heavy, she's managed to maintain her weight at 140 pounds albeit with a major bonus. If before she was toned and slightly muscular, now shes lost her definition and is even developing a little pudge. I see her belly pressing against her waistband as she snacks on one of the cookies i made her and see it press further and further against the band as she makes the tray of cookies magically disappear.

You always made sure to take the plates away or split it in multiple portions, so I had no idea how much I was actually eating in a day. after finishing the third tray of cookies that day you see I am rubbing my belly…I was getting full and I hadn't even eaten a meal! "My tummy is a bit upset" I say as I rub it. "better drink something" I grab the glass of soda that you had brought me. I drink all of it in one go. "I can't believe this is actually sugar free" I say surprised "it tastes like one of those cheap soda's that is super b-BRUUAUUAUAAAAAAAAAP-ad " I look wide eyed and cover my mouth with a blush "s-sorry!"

"Haha that was pretty cool!" i say immediately so as to not make you think i dislike it. I cant let you know that youve given me a hard on with that deep nasty belch, at least not yet. "I don't mind babe" i say as i nuzzle in right next to you on the bed. "in fact if anything it lets me know you really enjoyed whatever i made for you so no need to apologize." i say as i keep my hand on your bloated stuffed belly, giving it a good rub. "I guess you reallly loved those cookies huh, hehe"

"I-I do" I say blushing as you rub my belly…it felt good, but it also made me a bit aware of the fact that I was softer now. "I mean…its just not very lady like to burp like that right?" I smile as you roll your eyes at me "BRUUAAAAP…ooohhff but it does make my tummy feel better"

I moan to myself making sure you don't hear me. "I'm glad you like them" i reply, both to your answer and to that big burp you let out. We spend a few more minutes like this with me rubbing your rounded gut, making you get used to the feeling, making you love my hands on your tummy, making you know i like those un-lady like burps. Im slowly easing your mind into its new state. The state of pure gluttony. Before i get up from bed i decide to try one more thing, i grab your belly and give it a hard pinch and lean up next to your ear "You were a good girl today, keep eating like this and soon you'll be like those fatties at the gym". I whispered it and said it in a teasing tone, but i could tell by your breathing…it did its job. My eyes go wide and my face goes dark red. Did he really just say that?…Is he making a joke?…why do I like him teasing and humiliating me?! I look down and my heart beats even faster, judging by the bulge in your pants…you really liked seeing me like this. "w-what?….a-are you trying to make me fat?" I ask in a soft voice. You just smile, gently kiss my belly before squeezing it again and leave with the empty plates…Am I really going to get fat?

#feedee belly #feedee encouragement #feeding kink #feedee piggy #stuffed feedee #girl burp #fat belly #belly expansion #fit to fat #force fed #manipulation #feedee girl #wg text #teasing #chubby #feederist #short story #feedee story

26 notes · View notes

vanillaxoshi · 8 months

Text

Boom badabim bada pow

Welcome to septuplet au! Also now called injuries matter au

Where i make the elements into siblings but despite this being done but a bunch of people let me make this my way or-

Maybe a similar way ig

What you see above is Cahaya and daun

There aint no way Cahaya will become just fine after being hit on the head and the abdomen or gut by a giant hammer and flew thhrough metal floors? Ceilings? (I know this happened to boi but dont drag him into this. this is also a septuplet au he aint included but dont u dare get ideas👹👹👹)

And he got thrown to space twice, very high or low temperature causes dead cells and stuff (welcome decayed skin)

So- yeah, he got into a longer coma so to speak, perhaps the actual logic into this is death but lets not get into that and just do 2-3 months folks

According to google said symptoms for frontal lobe damage are:

Weakness on one side of the body or one side of the face, Falling, Inability to solve problems or organize tasks, Reduced creativity, Impaired judgment, Reduced sense of taste or smell, Depression, Difficulty controlling emotions, Changes in behavior, Low motivation, Poor attention span, being easily distracted, Reduced or increased sexual interest, Odd sexual habits, Impulsive or risky behavior, Trouble with communication

And vocal chords get damaged with cold temperature so-

Kk, hes not completely incapable as he heals overtime(note: not completely), but trauma with the dark :> oh how will that help if he doesnt sleep well :)

(he uses sign language if he needs to stop speaking)

ALRIGHT moving on to air

Dude got his arm melted off by roktaroka i think thats his name, which very much hurt because lava, is still slow, which meant it was slow and painful, and with it being put on ice immediately (yes this situation summoned ais) it left quite a huge mark

And he also cant keep the ice hand for so long so bros ambidextrous just uses left the most now, might have trauma from long distance attacks and perhaps hot temperatures, so you could say api is trying his best for air and that goes the same for air to api

LETS GO DAUN

Yes he gains a type of inferiority complex so he has to be included and does his best, but not only that, he gains lightning scars from kirana, on his hands, so he has trouble controlling those hands

They will randomly end up shaking sometimes, and randomly drop as in become paralyze, this resulted to a lot of things to become broken, and this is where daun feels bad for gaining this problem, and at times might hurt like theres still lightning striking him

OF COURSE petir feels bad and blames himself for getting caught like that haha-

Bro also got caught or kidnapped three times he blames himself for repeating that situation a lot.

ANGIN well, i know the fandom makes him love yaya's cookies, but imma be honest here, those things basically drugged him into drugging everyone, he for sure gained fear of those cookies. That made him out of it

Buuuuut what if as well he has a temptation to eat it at times, despite his whole mind not wanting to, so when he does end up eating it he becomes nauseous and vomits :)

API doesnt like seeing fear in peoples faces but that never washes away bc of his anger issues that causes people to be afraid so lets go low self esteem-

Tanah wants his brothers to be more better so thats why he shoves all responsibility onto himself but that also causes trauma!!!

Hes so afraid of losing them that he became very strict which causes to some arguments but he also tries his very best to look tough and be more capable, but there are times where its obvious like with movie 2, api and air try their best to help him despite him pushing them away and being in denial. Gopal was the one who did end up calming everyone down

Angin is the one who sees him always and is always the one who conforts him

Petir feels even more down knowing that hes the oldest and that he should be the one to take that burden of responsibility.

And yeah i might add more but who knows

#boboiboy #boboiboy galaxy #rambles #thoughts #bbb septuplet au #boboiboy petir #boboiboy angin #boboiboy tanah #boboiboy api #boboiboy air #boboiboy daun #boboiboy cahaya #yes trauma #bbb injuries matter au

42 notes · View notes

spaceyflowers · 4 months

Text

hi!! im still alive!! + updates on this blog

first: i would like to apologize for disappearing without a word for like. nearly a year. im terribly sorry for any worry i've caused T_T;;

honestly i have no good excuse for disappearing like i did especially without reason (not that im obligated to let everyone know my business but i did have a "i wont randomly disappear!" sentiment and yet... here i am) but in a nutshell, its basically: fandom shifts, college, and guilt.

if you want to know about the future of this blog fandom wise;

still going to be a lookism/viral hit blog (havent caught up yet) but most likely wont be as active in the fandom anymore;;; thinking of sticking as a lookism blog until that series ends but who knows when it will so i might eventually just change fandoms 😭

please dont feel bad about unfollowing or anything!! curate what u wanna see with who u follow, i take no personal offense, even if we've been long time mutuals!! ><

fandom shifts will probably be more common; i have this weird thing where i cant focus on multiple interests or i get stressed;; so i get obsessed with one thing for months/years but then once i lose interest and move on, its likely i wont return to it unless something triggers it. thats why i dont think "multifandom" fits me, i'll always be fandom focused, its just the fandom focus changes 😭

p.s. sorry if im being dramatic about this (i feel like a youtuber who got canceled writing an apology 😭😭) i just feel like i owe yall an explanation </3

if you're curious about me, i've left that under the cut;

got into a new interest which made me stop looking at lookism/viral hit stuff -> knowing my blogs are lookism focused, i decided to take a "break"

couldnt get myself back into lookism after my "break" ended -> couldnt get myself back on tumblr

started to feel guilty because i havent been active in a long while

senior year ending, school takes my priorities -> summer break comes, i swear i'll apologize on tumblr but guilt eats away at me and then i have to do college stuff

become a little active on tiktok, start feeling more guilty because im active there but not on tumblr

college begins, get busy with college stuff -> during breaks, swear i'll apologize on tumblr pt 2 but the guilt has piled up so much it feels like the equivalent of when a person cant get themself to reopen their animal crossing new leaf game because they havent touched it in a long time

first college semester ends, winter break starts -> finally convince myself to get over it and start typing all this up

once again im really sorry T_T i was not made for the content creator life bc i cant stay active for shit + i feel so bad gaining followers for one thing but once i move on from that one thing, it feels like im disappointing a lot of ppl even tho i know i dont owe strangers on the internet anything- im just repeating myself now but yknow

oh and for anyone curious: my current fandom is dmc <3

#adrien shush #thank you for reading this post !!!! T_T <33 #going to check my inbox and dms in a bit!!

24 notes · View notes

spacexseven · 2 years

Note

(4/4) ok rapidfire round cuz i talked about aku and dazai WAAAY too much here are some other guys who work with this

fyodor - this fucker would legit get to the point where he actually fucking tries to kill you, and then a month later you’re just. back in his house. probably tied to a chair while he straddles your lap and pets your hair and coos about how badly he’s yearned for his little golubchik (little dove) since you last parted ways and how glad he was when he heard you were okay and how you guys should totally get married in the eyes of the lord and youre about to have a fucking anuersysm.probably wants to just pretend it Didnt Happen. he’d be very unequipped to deal with Feelings Of Guilt so he assauges it by showering you in affection and gifts and larping as Loving Husband. might tamper with you juuuust a touch so you forget about the whole thing, cuz seeing you flinch and try to get away from him makes his chest all tight and he doesnt Like It so you gotta stop doing it <3

gogol - all my ideas for him are VERY similar to what i already have down for dazai BUT differences are that he doesnt wanna torture you cuz he Dislikes you, he wants to torture you cuz he wants to see your Normal Person-ish reaction to incredible suffering! not only are you going through hellish pain, but it’s being inflicted on someone who you thought cared for you? how ghoulish! your reaction would certainly be one for the books! he gets attached to you probably the same way he did to fyodor, through you making real strides towards understanding him, but your Normal Ways would make him less keen on wanting to murder you and more keen on wanting to stay with you forever and make you his little birdie. you managing to piece together that your bf was actually that clown terrorist youve been hearing so much about DID throw a wrench in things a touch, but hes waaay too impressed with you to be bothered by it! youre even more amazing than he thought! wow! his darling birdie! lets stay together forever! why are you running away come back :(

kouyou - shout out to all my WOMAN LIKERS we got kouyou. gonna have to make this one quick i talked about the russians too much. listen. kouyou? she’s already got some baggage about losing the person she loves to the mafia, so falling for her target is EXTREMELY inconvenient for her. she wants to just ignore her feelings and be rid of you already, to save herself the trouble (insert wont say im in love from hercules somewhere in here), but you’re so... bright. much brighter than she ever thought she’d be able to experience, and you care for her so much… she just cant bring herself to let you slip away. please, dont hate her for bringing you into the darkness with her. she wont let it infect you, she promises! anything and everything to protect her precious light.

CONCLUSION: im insane

- 🩹

can you tell i'm super biased towards nikolai :< all asks in this au (basically yandere uses the reader to steal info, falls for them as well) are tagged as #spy au 🐟

cw: yandere characters, obsessive behavior, possessive behavior, jealousy, violent threats, murder, forced relationships, kidnapping, imprisonment, manipulation, nikolai has previously pulled out a knife on reader and threatens to kill them.

honestly i don't think fyodor would ever feel guilt for his previous actions. sure, he's roughed you up far too much for the sake of the mission and ruined your life and tortured your friends but all of that was to bring you both together! everything that happened was for the good of your relationship. he always knew you were something special, back when he decided to use you as a way to get information about yokohama's ability users. in fact, he had already decided back then that he would have you join him to fulfill his goal once he gained what he needed to know. you would be useful in a lot of ways, but mostly he wanted you there for a far more selfish reason.

(it did get pretty lonely at the top.)

you thought fyodor was going to kill you after his true intentions were revealed, but waking up to find him holding you like he was cradling the most wonderful thing in the world made you realize you couldn't be more wrong. he had never been to pushy when you met, never asking anything suspicious enough for you to think he was using you. in fact, you only ever met him once every few weeks in a desolate corner when you felt tired from all your work. maybe that false belief that you two were strangers who would never meet at day was what led you to confide in him things you should never have. things you would have gotten killed for revealing if he hadn't already killed your superiors. whatever it was that convinced you to do such a foolish thing, it ruined your life now.

maybe his strange attachment to you wasn't the worst possible outcome. at the very least, there seemed to be hope of you getting out of here alive if his incessant touches and condescending words didn't completely tear you apart.

nikolai is pretty similar to dazai, except he's never been bothered by the job. he likes messing with people, and it helps that you're just to cute! if you're going to freeze every time he places a hand on your back and look all shocked every time he steals a kiss, he's going to actually start liking you, you know? not a temporary arrangement, like in a 'you're-cute-and-i-can-show-you-off' way, but in a 'you're-never-leaving-my-side-and-ill-gladly-kill-everyone-so-you-only-have-me' way. he's that initially annoying and flirty stranger who eventually grows on you, so much so that when he one day puts a hand around you and gleefully announces that he was your boyfriend, despite never having talked to you about this arrangement, you can't find it in you to object. he is sort of cute, with that killer smile. even if he is so reckless you worry for him all the time and has these frightening rounds of jealousy, you supposed it could work out.

he doesn't even need you to finish his task, to be honest. stealing documents and the like was child's play for nikolai. he just wanted an excuse to mess with you while getting paid. oh, but you treating him so genuinely, with so much care...he can't just let anyone else receive that sort of treatment in the unlikely situation he had to break up with you. if he had to kill you after this arrangement, it would be quite a waste, wouldn't it? you were so sweet to him. there were always other ways to make you cry—ways he was sure you'd enjoy almost as much as him. if you didn't...well, you'd just have to learn to like it!

imagine his shock when he comes to visit one day to find you...gone! like you had disappeared from your place overnight. even he hadn't been expecting this turn, after all, the two of you had been getting even closer. was it because he kept insisting on trying some potentially dangerous things in bed? but you'd have talked to him about it first. this was...unlike you. and then he catches sight of the news and realizes someone had leaked out some of his personal history.

oops. he forgot most people weren't comfortable dating a murderer.

too bad you didn't have a choice anymore! he finds you, as expected. with his ability and his understanding of you, it was only a matter of time. thing is, nikolai doesn't really like to threaten you so badly, really. sure, there were those times when he swore he would tear apart anyone who tried to ask you out, and promised to kill everyone you ever dated before him so that he could be the only living person to boast of such an honor. and he did pull out a knife on you a couple times but it was all fun and games! really! this time, not so much.

nikolai had you grabbing onto the edge of his coat while he dangled you over the edge of a skyscraper, having used his ability to bring you here earlier. you were probably too scared to be listening to him, but all he was asking of you was an apology and a promise to never leave him like that again. promise him you'd always be by his side.

he was so worried for you! this was the least you could do to make it up to him.

koyou would be devastated when she realizes what this feeling was. the strange warmth that came from sitting next to you, sharing meals and talking about work, quiet moments together—she was stupid for letting it go this far. and now...now she was in too deep.

if only she had stuck to her goal and only been an acquaintance to you. if only you hadn't shown her such a beautiful sight and the possibility of a warm future together. she couldn't bear losing you, couldn't live knowing she could never hold you as close as she yearned to after this was over.

unless...she took some disastrous action.

she knew you would hate her more than you already did if she brought you into her world. you would hate it there, but she was foolishly hoping her presence would make it a little more bearable. you were so wonderful to her...could you manage to love her just a little more? could you overlook your disgust for her tainted soul and hold her like you did, before the truth came out?

218 notes · View notes

d1et-cok3 · 5 months

Text

Hey so i know i haven't posted in a month or two and im sorry about that but for like all of November Ive been in a binge cycle and i cant stop its genuinely scares me how much i eat and im constantly hungry i an feel my body begging for food and Ive recently started looking forward to meals which is terrifying i can see myself getting fatter instead of skinnier and it makes me wanna die i just want to stop eating but its getting so fucking hard to even skip one meal then i get home i eat more its like all my self control is gone and all my progress is going down the drain im horrified of getting back into the 170s i was so huge and at least right now im not as big as before but Ive been smaller even though i never really been small in the first place Ive been fat all my life and i need to break the cycle and be the skinniest one in my family and friend group i want to look pretty in clothes and be able to shower without wanting to drown myself right then and there and i cant help but notice how many times Ive said im getting back on track but it never works i miss my honeymoon phase when i dropped like 15 pounds in a month then it all just kid of froze and i gained and dropped the same weight for like 3 months and now im gaining even more and it feels like im suffocating in it in all of the food i eat and my fat i miss almost passing out when i stood up and always being dizzy i miss the dread when it came to eating not me squealing like a pig in excitement i can tell its bad when i finish my food or get seconds or eat faster or let myself get dirty plus i broke my phone so i cant track everything as efficiently especially because of school and its been really hard and i don't have a scale and i can feel clothes that were getting looser getting tight again and its mortifying i want to die or just bleed out i want to cut all the fat out of my body and just be skinny i know i need to love the process but its hurts and this cycle has hurt me worse physically and mentally then starving ever did i miss bruising easily being pale and looking like i hadn't slept or ate in days i wish that i didn't give in so easily its embarrassing how sometimes i ask if someones hungry and they say no but i eat anyway my brain still judges people for being fat when there skinnier than me and it hurts because i wish that i could be that skinny and eat food without gaining its not fair people in my school say that they wanna be fat or gain lots of weight and i tell them why they don't but they don't understand how much worse literally my whole life is because of it sorry about my ramble i just am struggling to cope with his and a lot of shit is happening in my life and me losing control is not helping i hope this is the last time i have to say this but i am going to be getting my life together and i will be skinny my goal was to be skinny by Christmas while i know that cant happen now kms but i can be skinnier and i can be better then now i hope to weigh less than my sister for once and get the smaller size unlike now when i bet a size bigger every time people will buy us stuff and she gets a small and i get a medium and there like i hope it fits like im not that fat damn but there right Jesus that was a lot to type anyways wish me luck and i really hope this works ill try and update you on my progress but i might forget lol. bye thank you.

November 29th 2023

#tw ed diet #tw ana trigger #tw disordered eating #tw ana diary #an0r3c1a #thinspø #pro a4a #ed not sheeren #ed no sheeran #st4rv1ng #rant #im not okay #sk1nn1

7 notes · View notes

nonbinarygerard · 1 year

Text

this is a rant about AI generated art because I am enraged.

if you want to hear a professional artist speak on AI art more elegantly than me then I highly recommend Steven Zapata’s video. he said everything better than I ever could: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjSxFAGP9Ss&t=5s

the more i learn about AI art the more i literally believe in like 10 years or so we will somehow live in a worst capitalist dystopia where most artistic professional jobs don't exist. You pay a subscription fee to some AI company that just spits out art, movies, comics, novels etc whatever you want on mass, so fast, that art will be personalised to you as in you know how google and other companies track you everywhere on the internet well so will AI companies. they’ll know you more than you know yourself. their algorithms will be fine-tuned just to ur tastes. you won't even need to type in prompts, it will do it for you and show you hundreds, thousands, of art in your feed. You can scroll forever and the algorithm will just make more art. the AI will be so trained to keep ur retention, making ur session time longer and longer and you’ll lose more hours.

Like how many tiktoks do you actually remember? vs how many hours do you stay on the app? do you think the time you spend on tiktok is worthwhile? i use tiktok as an example bc that's only the start of how good AI algorithms can get. give them a few more years with more silicon valley companies competing to be the next big app and they’ll get smart and better in ways you can never imagine.

in the eyes of companies, humans make flaws and humans take too long to make art. it's ripe for automation. companies don't give a fuck about real art and human expression. they only care about profit, profit, profit. what all tech companies want is ur time, your attention, they want to fill all ur waking moments with their products. literally billions of dollars have already been put into AI and though some of the AI art right now might be cringe or just funny, it wont be at some point. In a few months, years, decades, who knows, it will a lot more indistinguishable from human art. that's going to be a problem. you're not going to be able to avoid it because you're not going to be able to what was made by a human and what was made by an AI.

you may think that humans will stop watching or consuming AI art that is bland and seems well AI generated but thats the thing, it will always evolve. In fact companies might just make up fake people to say it was made by and you will never know how much of it was made by humans and how much was made by AI algorithms. if you dont think at some point a bunch of big budget movies, video games, tv shows etc wont be written by AI when it's possible to create a script that doesn't seem like it's written by an AI then you’re crazy.

its going to be a lot harder to make living if you’re not one of the top artists because how the fuck do you compete again AI. you can’t and that’s the point.

its so fitting for evil capitalists that they would rather fund billions of dollars into AI that was designed to replace artists than ever pay artists fair wages.

i dont think people will stop creating art but i do think that a lot of professionals are going to find a hard time keeping their careers without serious changes. you really cant become a master of ur craft without being a professional artist, it just takes that long to gain the experience, knowledge and insight to walk in the footsteps of the masters before. thats what art is. hard work, dedication and discipline. its not something that only a divine few who have the gifts of the gods can do. anyone can become a master artist it just takes devoting ur life to pursue your craft and what a fucking insult it is for billionaires to just fund their extreme amount of money into some goddam shaddy af AI companies to replace professional artists' job, well thats their hope anyway.

this isnt the same like photography was to painting or digital was to traditional. its true that those technological innovations did destroy a lot of jobs but also created new artistic jobs, and they did have massive effects on the industry and i dont want to minimize the number of people who’s careers were destroyed bc of it. But those were massive changes in tools. They didn't actually replace the concept of artists themselves. AI is meant to do as much, if not all, of the artists work for them, so artists don't need to exist in a professional sense.

why would a games company hire concept artists if an AI can come up with hundreds of different concepts in a matter of seconds? maybe human artists might be better but when the AI is good enough a company won't give a shit.

I dont know when this change will happen or how it will occur and how people will react to it but mark my words these AI companies are going to try to make it happen while maintaining the face of just their just simply pushing human progress and this was somehow just a natural evolution of technology.

none of this was natural it was funded by billionaires.

this is not even to mention how these AI’s train on copyrighted artworks with no permission from the artists. and this process is not like how humans learning from other artists, AI’s dont think, they just copy, steal, combine artworks very fast and on mass scale in away no human could ever do. You cant compare how AI’s and how humans learn. there are not the same no matter how big shot programmers try to make them more similar, AI is a machine we could never do what it does. and it is stealing from artists every time it generates art.

I study programming and literally you dont even know the number of jobs there are in AI. its a field that's expanding every day. it's not just a few companies but every big tech company putting massive resources into it. for them, algorithms are the future of humanity.

I am not saying there isn't some actually usefulness in AI created images for example i think getting insane highly specific poses and references at the click of a button is extremely useful but that's just a by-product of what these AI companies want out of their product. they are meant to replace artists' jobs by the click of a button. that's their dream.

AI companies dont care about integrity or intention or the artistic cannon or mastering one’s craft. Companies don’t pour billions of dollars into a technology just for it to be used for meme culture or quirky images. Every time you type in a prompt you are training the AI, its how neural networks work, by releasing them for free to the public you are training the AI for them. and they will train faster than you ever thought. i cant even imagine what the AI images will look like this time next year and they will improve drastically. mark my words.

You are a fool if you dont think AI won’t have a massive and very dystopian effect on society. Capitalism is somehow killing art even more.

maybe you think I’m being dramatic and I hope I am wrong but there is no doubt that AI generated art will change commercial and professional art as we know it.

#txt #AI Art #i cant stop thinking about it #fuck AI art #lets see how i right i am in the next decade #AI Art is anti worker

36 notes · View notes

grailfinders · 1 year

Text

Fate and Phantasms Viewer's Choice #12: Schneizel El Britannia

today on Fate and Phantasms we’ve got our very first build that is 100% not connected to Fate (yet), Schneizel El Britannia from Code Geass! he’s a Mastermind Rogue to manipulate his underlings and enemies, as well as a War Mage to always be on the same war page even when commanding your troops from way, waaay in the back.

check out his build breakdown below the cut, or his character sheet over here!

Race and Background

it might surprise you to find out, but this guy is a Human Noble, like most named cast members in CG. that means he gets +1 Dexterity and Intelligence, as well as proficiency in Animal Handling (by choice), History, and Persuasion (by background), as well as the Observant feat. that bumps up your Intelligence by another point, and it lets you read lips! in a more mechanically interesting move, it also adds +5 to your passive Perception and Investigation checks. the dude bolts at the first sign of danger, so he’s probably pretty good at noticing it.

Ability Scores

number one is Intelligence. you’re smart enough to give Lelouch a run for his money, and this entire anime is practically his power fantasy. after that is Charisma. knowing how to manipulate people is one thing, actually doing it is another. Third up is Dexterity- you don’t do much fighting on your own, but you know your way around guns well enough. errr, crossbows. your Constitution is just a little above average- you don’t do much fighting, but you do survive being tied to a pole for a couple days so you can’t be that weak. that means your Strength is pretty low, and we’re dumping Wisdom. you’d rather throw the game away than lose. that, and you miss a pretty important save at the end of the series.

Class Levels

1. Rogue 1: we’re starting as a rogue both for the extra skills and for proficiency with crossbows. speaking of proficiencies, you’re now good with dexterity and intelligence saves, as well as deception, insight, investigation, and perception! on top of that, you get expertise in two skills for doubled proficiency, so double down on persuasion and deception!

you can also make a Sneak Attack if you use a ranged or finesse weapon on a creature you either have advantage or have a friend nearby. that gives you an extra 1d6 damage to your attack once per turn.

you also know Thieves’ Cant. it sure is a language! I guess that’s English in the anime?

2. Rogue 2: second level rogues can make Cunning Actions on their bonus action, dodging, disengaging, dashing, or hiding with extra speed! I’m pretty sure we said this already, but boy are you good at getting the fuck away from danger.

3. Rogue 3: at third level you gain your roguish archetype, turning you into a proper Mastermind. that makes you a Master of Intrigue and of Tactics. the former giving you proficiency with disguise and forgery, and you can copy the speech patterns of someone you’ve talked to for 1 minute. it’s not enough to copy their voice entirely, but you can sound like a native of the area. which would probably be more useful if you weren’t the prince of a global empire- your face is spread far and wide by now.

the latter is more helpful though- literally! as a master of tactics you can help as a bonus action, and with an increased range to boot! you’re not really the one doing most of the fighting, after all. though you’re better at fighting when you need to, with 2d6 sneak attack damage.

4. Rogue 4: Fourth level rogues gain their first Ability Score Improvement, and we’ll use it to grab the Keen Mind feat. With this, your Intelligence rounds out again, and your memory is empowered to superhuman levels. Now, you can always know your directions, as well as what time of day it is. Most powerfully, you have photographic memory of the last in-game month. Truly a nightmare for your DM.

5. Rogue 5: At fifth level, you can perform an Uncanny Dodge as a reaction. If you’d take damage from an attack, you can dodge and take half damage instead. You don’t usually get into direct combat often, but it will help if someone tries to stab you in the back. Speaking of, your backstabbing deals an extra 3d6 now!

6. Rogue 6: Sixth level rogues gain another round of Expertise, doubling your proficiency in Insight and Perception to gain a better reading of the battlefield.

7. rogue 7: at level seven, rogues gain evasion. now your failed dexterity saves are as good as most peoples’ successes, and your successes negate damage entirely.

(speaking of damage, your sneak attack deals 4d6 of it now)

8. rogue 8: an eighth level rogue gets another asi, finally boosting your dexterity for better killshots. it also helps keep you alive, which is nice.

9. rogue 9: ninth level rogues get 5d6 sneak attack damage, and you’re now an insightful manipulator. with this, you can learn two of four scores compared to yours- their intelligence, wisdom, charisma, or class levels. you can also learn information about their history or personality, but that is up to your DM’s discretion. if you’re going to manipulate someone, you need to learn how they tick.

10. rogue 10: speaking of manipulating, it will probably be easier to do with higher charisma, so let’s use this asi to bump that up a bit, shall we?

11. rogue 11: an eleventh level rogue is a reliable talent- all skill checks you make with proficiency count as a 10 or higher at all times. there’s nothing more embarrassing than rolling a natural one while trying to show up your brother. trust me on that one.

oh right, 6d6 sneak attack damage, congrats.

12. rogue 12: twelfth level rogues get yet another asi, so maximize your intelligence for the strongest schemes now and the strongest spells later.

13. rogue 13: thirteenth level masterminds can take humanoid shields by using Misdirection. if you’re targeted by an attack that has another creature between you and your attacker, you can react to send the attack at them instead. you’re really not a fighter. I mean, you are, but you’re not one for getting hit.

14. wizard 1: your rogue levels were what you are. now it’s time for some goodies from the empire. at level one you gain a spellbook, a list of spells which you can cast and prepare from using your Intelligence. you get six spells now, another two each level after, and you can also learn more from other wizard’s spellbooks and scrolls. you’ll have to forgive Me for not going into detail about every spell, but feel free to check out the character sheet for that.

you also gain an arcane recovery- normally you regain spell slots on a long rest, but once per day you can do so on a short rest.

for your spells, grab longstrider to be the dirty coward you always dreamed of being, and mage armor so you can fight just as well in ornate finery as you can in leather armor.

15. wizard 2: at level two, you become a war mage, giving you a tactical wit few can match- now you can add your intelligence to your initiative roll. you can also make an arcane deflection as a reaction, adding 2 to your ac or 4 to your save. you can do so as often as you like, though you won’t be able to cast levelled spells the next turn. of course, there’s nothing to say you can’t be clever and hold your action, but I’ll leave the tactical thinking in your capable hands.

speaking of spells, magic missile is a useful tommygun, making several magic attacks that can’t miss their target.

16. wizard 3: third level wizards get second level spells, and just when you thought you couldn’t get any smarter enhance ability shows up to prove you wrong. now you can give yourself advantage on intelligence checks for a minute. or any other kind of skill check, though your smarts are most in-character. you can also use augury to simulate your strategy, learning if an action will deliver you weal or woe.

17. wizard 4: use your last asi to nab the lucky feat, giving you three luck points per day. you can spend one to roll an additional d20 on any check, attack, or save directly affecting you. then you can pick whichever one helps you the most. ladies love a high roller, don’t you know?

you can also use nystul’s magic aura to hide a creature or object from scrying. if you’re going to kidnap nunnally at the end of a campaign, it’s best you know how to hide her away from people who can use ninth level spells.

18. wizard 5: fifth level wizards get third level spells, and if your usual tricks aren’t causing your enemies to defect as quickly as you’d like, enemies abound should do the trick. with this, a target enemy will see all creatures as foes if they fail an intelligence saving throw. it can remake the save every time it takes damage, but those silly heroes tend to have hangups against hitting one of their own. oh yes, you’re obviously the villain here, come on.

19. wizard 6: at sixth level you can use a power surge to deal extra damage against a target with a spell once per short rest. you could also use dispel magic or counterspell to gain more charges, but not with this build.

make sure you grab sending though, it’s a lot easier to take part in an international plot when you can talk to your allies and enemies.

20. wizard 7: our final level of the build grants you the greatest power in the world- nukes! with sickening radiance you can call down a f.l.e.i.j.a. down on a nearby location, creating a glowing crater that deals radiant and exhaustion damage. alternatively, you can summon construct to call for a Knightmare Frame to fight in your stead.

Pros and Cons

Pros:

you’re good at helping party members do what they’re good at, and more importantly you’re good at figuring out what they’re good at. You’ve also got clever little spells to deny an area to an enemy, turn them against each other, and get the hell out of dodge if you need to.

speaking of being good at things, you’re really good at skill checks, with expertise in four skills, proficiency in seven, a spell that gives advantage on skill checks if you know they’re coming, and if all else fails you can roll a third die by spending luck points. also, all of your proficient skills are immune to natural ones.

in particular, your passive perception is ridiculous, so you’re unlikely to ever fall into an ambush you didn’t intend to. add in your boosted initiative, and you can probably jump out of any ambush you see before anyone even gets a chance to attack.

Cons:

and that last pro is really important, because if you do ever end up in a fair fight you won’t last long! you’ve got barely over 100 HP, the magical number to get power word death’d. also, even with mage armor your AC is only 16, so you’ll burn through that HP fast if someone gets in melee range.

having nukes is fun, but I’m not sure it’s seven level dip-tier fun. rogue’s capstone ability is actually super fun and helpful for this sort of build, and you’d also be able to completely negate advantage against you- super useful when you’re fighting another rogue.

your low wisdom means your big ol’ brain can pretty quickly be used against you by anyone versed in charming magics. thank goodness you live in a low-magic setting then!

…the show’s called WHAT

#code geass #D&D 5e #DND #schneizel el britannia #rogue #wizard

16 notes · View notes

rollercoasterwords · 1 year

Note

While yes, it can be annoying to hear about the seemingly odd things someone does while on a diet (the whole metab boosting super lemon water and protein hunger crushing combo stuff), I dont think its as big of a deal as you are making it out to be. And most importantly; dieting is not an eating disorder.

Just the same as it is your body and you can do whatever you want with it, someone else may go on a diet because its their body and they want to. Of course, that doesnt mean they can push that on you, but you cant push your anti-diet stuff on them either. It goes both ways.

And before you say it, fat people are not oppressed. You may be unfairly treated, and people may be harsh on you, but you are not oppressed. You can change your weight. Just the same as a person can gain weight, they can also lose it. And yes, it will be harder for some than for others, but it is still very much possible.

ok....i'm assuming that u sent this in response to this post which i made literally two months ago? which first of all! fuck u for coming into my ask box to talk about diets and spout fatphobic rhetoric when that post is literally me venting about how i DON'T want to hear about diets. thanks!

i debated about whether or not to even respond to this bc i'm sure ur a troll and i doubt u even follow me or you'd know that this blog is literally centered around marauders fanfiction and i don't normally discuss diet culture but. whatever i have time tonight. so:

i never said dieting is an eating disorder. i said that dieting is disordered eating.

now, i say that as a person who struggled with an eating disorder throughout most of my adolescence. fortunately, i'm at a point in life where i can say that i've fully recovered, and that i've been fully recovered for years. but it's because of my personal experience that i know not every diet reaches the point of an eating disorder. but honestly? many of them do, because dieting is inherently disordered eating.

if you are restricting food in any way, that is disordered eating, full stop. that is you interrupting your body's intuitive eating, its natural order, ergo -- disordered. this is something that i first learned from the therapists and dieticians and psychiatrists that i had to work with while i was in treatment for an eating disorder. and i resisted it at first too, because it's so normalized to restrict food or to label certain foods "good" and "bad"--i thought the same thing as you, anon. i thought "surely it's ok for me to just use these restrictive behaviors, as long as i don't take things too far. a diet isn't an eating disorder!" but the experts around me all said no! no, because once you are ignoring your body and regimenting your food and beginning to control what you can and can't eat, you are changing your natural behavior. you are engaging in disordered eating. and that is not a good thing for anybody, and it can lead to eating disorders very, very easily.

to your second point: the post that you're referring to was me, on my own tumblr blog, venting about how i don't want to hear about other people's diets. i wasn't "pushing" my "anti-diet" stuff onto anyone. this is literally my own blog. obviously people can do what they want with their bodies; i didn't even say in that post "you need to stop dieting!!" all i said was that i don't want to hear about it and if you're going to engage in unhealthy behavior and act like it's normal, i don't want to bear witness and be expected to congratulate you for it.

that being said -- there are two big, big differences between people pushing diet rhetoric and people pushing anti-diet rhetoric, which are that:

diet rhetoric is already normalized in our culture. it's so normalized that it's inescapable. anti-diet rhetoric is pushing back against that normalization; it is a minority of voices in society. because of that, you can go about your daily life hearing absolutely no anti-diet rhetoric, but it is almost impossible to escape diet rhetoric itself.

diet rhetoric is promoting harmful behaviors, because it is promoting disordered eating. anti-diet rhetoric is not promoting harmful behaviors, it's pushing back against them. so, honestly, i think i have way more of a right to "push" my anti-diet stuff onto other people if i want to, because we are all already having diet propaganda pushed onto us by the multi-billion diet industry that is trying to sell us products and make us hate our bodies every day. this is not a situation of "it goes both ways," this is a predatory industry taking advantage of all of us.

and finally, you end your message with a dose of fatphobia! great. and look, in the interest of full transparency--you're right. i am not oppressed. that's because i've never been fat. i'm not going to sit here and tell you that i personally have experienced fatphobia, because i haven't. i've never been discriminated against during job hiring because of my size. i've never been discriminated against by healthcare providers or denied treatment because of my size. i've never been bullied because of my size. and those are just a few examples of the systemic oppression that fat people face!

this article links a lot of great sources, including some which i've included above, and breaks down exactly why what you're saying is wrong; i'm going to quote a bit directly:

"Even a quick glance at the weight research shows that, despite decades of trying, there is no evidence that efforts to prevent or reverse “obesity” are successful. In fact, there’s much evidence to suggest that the prescription for weight loss is more likely to result in physical harm and weight gain."

so that last bit of what you said, about changing your weight? yeah, if you bothered to look at what our most recent science shows, that isn't true. the idea that it's possible for everyone to change their weight is a myth rooted in fatphobia that leads overwhelmingly to more harm than good. for many people, losing weight isn't just hard--it's impossible to do without taking drastic measures that literally harm your body.

here is another resource to start informing yourself on weight stigma, and here is an excellent article about the history of the diet industry and why it's so fucked up. i also highly, highly recommend the podcast "maintenance phase" for learning more about fat activism and debunking culturally ingrained myths about fatness and weight.

in conclusion, anon: you're wrong. you are misinformed, and all it would take is a single google search to realize that if you truly wanted to learn. and see, normally i'd just feel sorry for people like you, because i've been where you are, and i know exactly what is going on in your head. you've been sold a bundle of myths and lies cobbled together by a diet industry that wants you to feel like shit about your body so that you'll keep buying their products, making you more and more miserable and promising that if you just suffer enough you'll eventually be rewarded with happiness. but you won't. you'll be stuck in a toxic cycle forever, and you'll harm your body because of it, and you'll convince yourself that it's healthy because it's so much easier to tell yourself that losing five pounds is the key to happiness than it is to actually work through your internalized fatphobia and address the root of your self-loathing.

so normally, i'd just pity you. but you saw a random post floating around the internet of a person saying that they don't like hearing about other people's diets, and you chose to come into my ask box under the safety of an anonymous icon and regurgitate the lies you've swallowed into my face. and this is the shit that, had i received it when i wasn't as healthy as i am now, when i was still struggling to work through all the lies i'd been fed by diet culture, would have triggered me so, so badly. so FUCK YOU! i set a very clear boundary on my own personal, stupid little fandom blog, and you came here two months later specifically to violate it. if you want to be stuck in the miserable, toxic cycle of self-hatred that is diet culture, shut the fuck up about it and go be miserable by yourself! i am so fucking sick of being forced to bear witness to the self-destruction of people like you.

#tw ed #tw eating disorder #tw fatphobia #ranting and raving #i thought about just deleting this ask bc i do think this person is probably a troll #and i definitely don't think they actually want to educate themselves #but honestly i was too angry to just delete it and it's at least helped me vent some of my frustration to respond so!#here we are #fuck you anon i hate u fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

26 notes · View notes

just-rogi · 9 months

Text

Not to beat a dead horse with the whole “America is shit” thing but the medical system is SO fucked and evil… but like even AS someone with amazing insurance coverage that I pay $300 a month for… they are always fucking rushing me. I literally pay so much and I get maybe 15-20 minutes to talk with my doctor. I came into my appointment nt with a list of concerns (not a huge list just to streamline the process by writing down all symptoms and family history changes) and I didn’t even get to ask about half the shit I wanted to because I felt like I was being rushed out of there. I got my results from my blood work digitally and have to try to google what all the medical terms mean bc no one is explaining what ALT or Hypochromia present means. Like FUCK what am I even paying for??? I want a doctor to explain this shit to me because I don’t know and some of these numbers are scary and I am trying not to go webMD crazy but without any professional to guide me what is the average person supposed to do???

I literally spent more time with the phlebotomist than I did with my doctor because I had to lay down for 15 minutes minimum while they took my blood. That’s fucked up. I wanted to ask about my mental health currently and any options for mental health professionals or therapists bc I’ve been going through massive life changes… I didn’t even get the fucking chance. She came in, checked my ears mouth and heart, told me to lose weight and see a gyno about my period, and left. I had to SPECIFICALLY REQUEST blood work be done for my mess of symptoms, because I researched ahead of time the possibilities. I got the feeling that she thought I was being a crazy hypochondriac requesting blood work but I was fucking RIGHT!!! I DO have a form of anemia unrelated to dietary iron, and I’m not an expert but my results indicate reduced liver function which I was EXPLAINING when I was talking about my reaction to alcohol and why I cant drink without feeling sick immediately. GOD !! I hate this whole process it’s like I’m begging people to listen to me while hemorrhaging money.

She literally kept telling me to lose weight and I wanted to fucking scream at her to look up at me and away from the computer because I’m literally a size fucking small and wouldn’t you know it I have amazing bp and cholesterol. She talked about my weight for three times as long as she talked about my concerning array of symptoms and then added “weight gain” as one of my main concerns. This system is fucking godawful.

((also thats also ignoring the fact that if she fucking looked at my chart for more than the five minutes she was in the room with me she would see that I was on a watchlist for potential ED as a teenager and told to gain weight literally four years ago by my pediatrician))

#tw ed mention #cw ed mention

6 notes · View notes

weisco · 7 months

Text

(Feedee/Wg Encouragement) Cant hide it

Hey there, fatty.

What, did you think I wouldn't notice that belly of yours? Did you really think sucking it in is going to hide that ball of lard you're growing? If you laid off the snacks and second helpings then maybe you could pass it off as a bit of winter weight, but look at you. Its not like you gained a couple pounds, you gained enough to make the freshman 15 look like water weight.

Don't try to hide that potbelly now, don't act like you are suddenly embarrassed, you knew you were packing on the pounds, that's why you buy oversized clothes in the hopes of hiding it. It looks like that shirt is already getting kinda tight, it seems like you didn't learn your lesson when you busted your last button, or the one before that. Maybe you'll fill out that shirt too until your belly is sticking out of the bottom and it hugs your chest so much you can see every detail. You'll go waddling and breathing heavy into a clothes store to get a new one, constantly pulling down your shirt to hide your deep belly button that is visible even through the tight shirt that strains your belly. The clerk will turn you away and tell you to go shop online, that they have no more clothes that fit you, you outgrew them all.

I can see the little tears in your pants, your thighs are growing like bread in the oven, threatening to rip them to shreds when you bend over too much. What would you say then? That you might have had one too many bites to eat? Admit it, you are fat, and there is no way of hiding that. When you wear sweatpants or other baggy pants its obvious you have a lot of jiggle to your behind, that your hips are just too wide, its what all fatties wear after all, you fit right in with all the porkers and piggies gobbling down fast food.

You can blush and deny it but you know it is true, the scale doesn't lie, trying to cover up and wear layers to hide it only makes it so much more obvious. Its not like people don't know you're obese, over time you have just been growing and growing, and the results have been jiggling and expanding all this time. Do you think nobody saw your ass shaking and wobbling with every step? They watched you as you devoured large swathes of food, and they saw how much of a cow you were, how every time they saw you, you were just a bit larger, stance a bit wider, belly a bit rounder, chins a bit more defined. It is certainly not a new development the way you have been putting it on.

You eat so often it makes people wonder if that is all you do, that you just spend all day thinking about eating. Your belly juts out as you go for seconds and thirds at meals and you are left rubbing your tight and sloshing belly, curled over yourself almost in a food coma. You love eating food, so why would you stop? You'll go on a diet tomorrow, maybe lose a couple pounds next week, by the time the next month rolls around you've added another roll to your body and your curves are just that much more pronounced.

Truth is you like the weight you've gained, but its not like people would understand that you secretly love to jiggle your belly while you are alone and watch as it wobbles. You look at your curves in the mirror, and can't help but caress your love handles and marvel at how soft they are. You squeeze your thighs together to feel the soft, pliable flesh rub together so perfectly that you drool imagining what it would feel like if they were even bigger. You sometimes grab your ass to see how much more it has grown, how much it sticks out from your body now, how much it practically vibrates when you slap it.

When you sit down your thighs and ass splay out all around you and you can't help but to explore it all with your hands and feel just how much wider and softer you are. You take your belly in your hands and play with the rolls and fat between your fingers. You wonder how much more you could grope and fit in your hand if you grew more, how soft and squeezable you would be. Large, larger than you are now, you want the different parts of your body to expand with fat like a balloon does with water. You want to admire your assets as they get even more noticeable and attractive. The oversized clothes you buy are really just goals for how absolutely big you want to make yourself, with milestones that stretch further and further.

So why hide it? Why hide what you crave, what makes you hot inside, stuffing your face with fatty foods, becoming a body of lard and enjoying every moment of it. Of becoming bigger, larger, fatter, until you are fatter than anyone could have imagined you getting, even yourself. You become so fat people have to do a double take when they see you waddle. Wear tight shirts that show off your huge belly and rolls and tight pants that hug your ass and curves, that leave your muffin top hanging over and jiggling as you walk. Show off how much a fatass you are and that you are the biggest around. Its what you want after all.

4 notes · View notes

straightfromthetorturedpoetsdept · 1 year

Note

i think that maybe we could be getting all of the girls and need as soundtracks for a coming out documentary like how we got only the young in miss americana but that could just be me being insane over them and wanting to hear them really badly

Ugh, I would love that !!!!

I'm thinking the film she's been hinting at is a documentary. And like in the bejeweled mv, didn't she hint that 'exile' was ending? I think this means that karlie is on board with coming out publically and that we're going to get lover era this summer for pride month maybe.

I just can't imagine taylor is comfortable being closeted, I can't imagine she would actively choose that life. I wish I could be openly queer but I can't and that choice hurts me inside everyday. I just dont know if I can look at lover era and think she just changed her mind.

I cant listen to midnight rain, the great war, and right where you left me or dear reader and think she wants this life for herself. I think she knows now that she'll have a fandom no matter what and I think she put out folklore and evermore as a strategic move, because well karlie will definitely listen to them especially with Betty being given special attention.

I think karlie hearing Betty inspired her to reach out and let go of the hatchet. I would love to see them have a public and joint project in this regards because I think the documentary would touch on many important aspects like... queerness, mental health, toxic relationships, and even maybe her ED in more depth. But I also know that taylor wants to be more private nowadays but I don't know if she wants to be private about being forcibly closeted though.

I think the amount of anger she has towards her old label is way bigger than just losing her masters and like if I was to view Taylor's life as a novel, I feel like the masters was almost the inciting incident in a way because I think this situation began in 2014 or 2015, way longer than we think it did. And like idk, if I'm listening to her music correctly- it tells us that we should be focused on more than just the masters situation itself. Like the great war and hoax being 2 sides of the same coin to me is just so heartbreaking to me. I don't know what other I can interpret these songs.

I'm of the belief that if taylor didn't want us talking about it (i.e. her SA) she wouldn't sing about it, so that's kind of where I'm judging her boundaries on what she's okay with us talking about her life online. I think she understands we're reading her lyrics closely, so I think she's been more metaphorical and purple prosey with her lyricism on purpose.

And I think those metaphors just really add so much depth to her songs, like Betty being fictional is great and all but betty being a fictionalized version of events based on a real human is even greater. Like, how do you just dismiss the betty and james connection to taylor and karlie so quickly. It's the kind of thing where once you know, you can't unknow.

And idk, the amount of maturity in her recent albums and especially midnights (as a gaylor who can understand every song on that album accurately, I don't understand why people are calling it mid or her worst album or whatever and I realize that the poppy sound really makes people stop thinking) just points to taylor gaining the courage and strength to hold herself accountable + own up to her past mistakes enough to wear she was able to cross that great divide between the two of them in order to get what she wants. She truly is a mastermind, honestly.

Like, I think she wants to be queer because she's been surrounding herself with very political and very queer people left and right since 2017. I think she wants to be the first bisexual woman billionaire musician film director. Like I think she wants to leave a legacy that is more than just music and that's why she's been branching out and being political and just aligning herself with queer women and black people.

She's making a conscious effort to diversify her surroundings and I applaud her for that. I think she's really tired of her old fandom and her old image and she wants to be her true authentic self because she's just been acting very bisexual very loudly all over the place.

I just would love the heartbreak prince as a documentary. And I would love to hear all of the girls and need because I know they're about Joe's support of her and her desire for him which is exactly the kind of bisexual representation the world needs. 😉

But yeah, I just realllllllllllllllly wanna hear those songs anon because I just always want more lover recognition always. A truly unparalleled era.

#lover #taylor swift #gaylor #toe #midnights #easter eggs #ask and you shall receive #anon love

7 notes · View notes

manicspacejunkie · 9 months

Text

L O S T

LOST

when you find something that makes you feel good, it’s near impossible to let go

started when i was young

still growing

still fresh

first time felt like the version of myself i’ve been searching for for years

you chase that feeling , longing for the same high

it wasn’t long before i knew i was trapped , but i didn’t pay attention , the feeling was too amazing

it gave me a personality, made me more open to others, helped me gain friends, lose the fat off my body

everything was better, i couldn’t find a negative in sight

still cant

it was soon normalized, and i felt like a amplified better version of me

i gained a couple friends who enjoyed you as much as me

made me feel less alone

making me think that drugs = community

if i was in possession i would charm those around me, making them like me only because i had something they wanted, they never liked me for who i was

wasn’t too long before everyone slowly started getting tired of it and pushed me away

i couldn’t stop

i was different

id make plans, try to limit my use, nothing worked

even when i ran out of money, that never stopped me

it got to the point of such desperation i started selling images of my body to strangers for a quick buck

i didn’t care who saw, i only cared about when i could shove powder up my nose

the days slowly became darker

partially because i couldn’t bear to be in the sunlight

i also couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror , so i covered them all

i hated who i became, but not enough to change

i lost 1/3 of my body weight in the last 8 month bender i went on

i viewed this as a positive, i was never thin enough anyways

soon the drug became all i knew

and all i cared about

i influenced my friends because i didn’t want to keep using alone, they soon left

i stayed in toxic relationships because if they used with me it would be more fun, less of a chore

it got to where i’d be in misery, bleeding nose, throbbing headache, shaky body

and id look at this line, knowing i don’t want to sniff it, and suddenly down i go-

after being sober for sometime life was okay, it was just boring and colorless

lacking the excitement , that ‘it’ factor

i lasted 7 months

longest i’ve been sober since i began using 4 years ago

i am filled with disappointment, only because when/if everyone who has cheered for me finds out

me, an inspiration?

i will sniff until i can’t anymore

4 years is a long time to hate yourself

it clicked recently

i’m using as a slow suicide method

i’ll be gone soon

i obviously couldn’t do the job with pills in 2021

it’s just a waiting game and id do anything to fast forward

only regret would be leaving my loved ones behind

but they’d get over it

they’ve probably been expecting it

i just crave dark

the story goes on

eventually i’ll be removed from the plot

#addiction #clean and sober #snow #sober journey #sober #white #sober thoughts #c0ke #c0caine #relapse

5 notes · View notes