#i go to sleep so anxious bc ik ill wake up and almost immediately have to do something social even if its 'just' online

[doebt]

also this is so asshole of me but i am seriously like on the verge of a totsl freaking meltdown like socially . like i just want to sit alone in a room COMPLETELY ALONE by MYSELF no other human interaction for like. 48 straight hours. my introvert gene is jumping out

#i have a surprising amount of online social activities i do like. everyday #w completely separate groups and ppl and an entire range of activities #some way more low effort than others but doing like 4 or 5 separate hangout sessions EVERY. SINGLE. DAY #its so asshole of me to get so stressed out but im like SUCH an introvert #and when i take days off from 1 or 2 thinfs i still have to do the rest #so i get basically no days where i can just completely chill out by myself. which is part of why my sleeping is so screwed up #and i cant rly do anything abt this bc ik i get lonely super easily and it would get rly bad if i actually went on a 48 hr isolation #and i have such an extreme guilt complex i cant rly bow out of most of these activities when im feeling this way #bc some of the ppl im not close enough to for bailing to be like. forgivable #then when i bow out of doing stuff w the ppl i AM close to i feel so freaking horrible it ruins the rest of my day or night #THEN i ALSO have to do stuff w my family. so when i ditch my family to do stuff w friends online i feel even more horrible #bc my family is old and theyre going to die and etc. I cannot even describe the stress this is causing me #its also causing me to ignore almost all the friends im NOT doing daily activities with bc i use up all my energy during the hanging out #this is RIDICULOUS. like im very glad to have SOOO many ppl to vibe with during these lonely and weird times #but oh my god i have lately just had to sit down and cry a little bit sometimes bc im SO overwhelmed even though i love everyone somuch #i go to sleep so anxious bc ik ill wake up and almost immediately have to do something social even if its 'just' online #and even worse is sometimes 1 thing will take 30 min longer than i anticipated so i have to apologise to whoever the next group or person is #and mostly ppl are understanding but i just feel so freaking horrible nomatter what. im shaking rn just thinking of all the stuff #im gonna have to do in the next 24 hrs...im doing more social stuff in 1 day now than i used to do in 1 month combined #its just not in my nature like even though i LOOVE my friends and accquaintences i do stuff with. it exhausts me #i love them all SO MUCH and im so genuinely honored to be a part of anyones quarantine schedule but holy god im rly. like. i cant deal #it also sucks in a superficial way bc im not getting to do any of the stuff i wanna do like working on my thing or art or anything #but ik this is way better than being lonely and ik im just being stupid abt it and ill probably get over it when i get my good meds again #Also most of my friends i do stuff with dont even know my tumblr but if u do and read this then just ignore this whole thing #im just a HUGE introvert and sometimes it makes me asshole and i feel SO bad. i just am venting abt it