#i got my car. got my cds. i guess i have friends. i wouldnt mind being alone. it would be easier to focus but less easy to contain

[talesfromtheartbog]

Day 9 - Blanket

"I don't do romance."

She had followed him up to the top floor. They stood at a grey, wooden door that didn't particularly stand out in the sleek, modernist penthouse that overlooked the Puget Sound.

"My interests are very ... particular," Fisher Dull said from behind his ice-blue eyes. "You wouldnt understand. Few people do."

Ashli Irons had yearned for Dull from the moment she met him, when she was assigned to write a profile on him for CEO Fancy Magazine as the first man from Davenport, Iowa to leave without first joining the Army. But his trepidation gave him pause, if only for a moment. What sort of tortures lied beyond that innocuous grey door? What devices that blurred the lines between pleasure and pain? What sort of acts did Fisher Dull have in mind for her, so depraved that only British top 40 pop sensation Ellie Goulding could write about (even though someone like Depeche Mode or even Prince would have been a much more natural fit had whoever was in charge of this hypothetical soundtrack not been a visionless coward?)

But the dead-eyed, idiot way the violent, personality-devoid rich moron stared at her, mouth hanging slightly open, as he awaited her response moistened her resolve and made up her mind. She had to jump on his whitebread bone, even if it meant being hung upside down by her toes while he blew her labia clean off with one of those leafblowers that are so big you gotta wear that attached backpack thing and can only buy them at a farm implement store.

"Then teach me," she said.

Without another word, Dull turned and swung the door open. What Ashli saw inside was weirder than anything she could have ever imagined.

A blanket fort had been erected in the middle of the room, piled high with cushy throw pillows and just large enough for two people to do anything other than weird sex in it. One flap hang open to provide a view of a 20-inch CRTV with built-in VHS player, to which a Sega Genesis was connected by coaxial cable. A twin-size bunk bed had been pushed into the corner, presumably to make room for the fort (although Ashli could not rule out the possibility of minimizing angles from which a goblin or boogeyman could attack.) The walls were adorned with posters from Nintendo Powers and N Sync promotional CD release events. 

"I'm really glad you could come over tonight," Fisher said as he threw his suit coat on the floor and began unbuttoning his shirt with a smirk that reminded Ashli of a sultry waterbird that was preparing to devour a catfish or some similarly overwrought animal analogy that vaguely insinuates a sinister horniness. At last, Ashli thought. This was all to psych me out, he is now gonna beat this pussy up super freaky style.

But as Francis removed his silken shirt, it revealed a Donald Duck onesie with little footies. "It's been so long since I got to have a sleepover! C'mon its gonna be so fun! I got Sonic 2, you can play as Tails, he can fly, kinda!"

Perhaps this is all part of it, Ashli thought. Someone this devoid of human intelligence and emotion and with this much money surely has to be into some weird stuff. Maybe he is one of those littles I have read so much about on my online weblogs, which is definitely how a 20-something would talk and is not informed in any way by the misguided thoughts of a 40-something horny shut-in who reads Mormon-themed young-adult vampire literature for sexual gratification and can't write for shit.

"Oh I see," Ashli said seductively, weaving her fingers through the buttonholes of Mr. Dull's pajama suit. "Maybe we can play that later. How about first you come over here and sit on the bed with mommy?"

Dull threw his head back and laughed, an emotional expression that until now Ashli had assumed he was incapable of, which had been very attractive to her because being a brain-dead sociopath is hot and good actually. "Don't be silly, Ashli, I already have a mommy!"

Being a normal and well adjusted adult who experiences healthy and balanced emotional responses, Ashli assumed this was some romantic rival for Dull's attention and was immediately fully ready to murder this slut with her bare hands to prove to Fisher how much more she loved him. But then, a grey-haired woman in a cozy sweater entered the room from the hall, carrying a small platter with two bottles of Yoohoo with crazy straws.

"There's my special boy!" Mrs. Dull said as she sat the drinks down on an end table by the door. "And what a lovely young friend he has brought home!"

"MOOOOOOM, stop it!" Fisher said, blushing as he snatched up a Yoohoo.

Holy shit this is actually his mom, Ashli thought, backing toward the door. "I'm sorry, but it's getting late," she said, digging nervously in her purse for her keys. "I really have to go, I will uh… I guess I'll see you around maybe?"

Ashli spirited down the hall toward the elevator over Mrs. Dull's protests that her special rice krispie treats were still in the oven. Heart-broken, she returned to her car. Her perfect, sexually violent life was over before it began. She returned to her apartment and went on to have lots of missionary sex with caring, loving and attentive men who tragically never dictacted and molded her entire personality around their carnal whims.

[ahnamission-blog]

the truth

im supposed to stay strong, maybe im supposed to say nothing. it’s odd because i can rant and type and talk about anything but when it comes to you its a different story. i doubt you’ll ever even read this, but in the rare case you did- i would hope i had taken the chance, taken a risk to actually put out there what you mean to me. you will know exactly who you are if you ever read this, there could never be another you. the truth is im scared right now, even typing behind a computer screen, wondering if you could hear this, wondering if you heard all of this. i just want you to know i did it all for you, and i would do it all again. im still holding back, i guess this is what they talk about when i read all those inspirational quotes (and yes im procrastinating) those quotes that say, your life begins at the end of your comfort zone. well talking about you, or to you, or the possibility that you could hear or read this is definitely way past my comfort zone so i figure, i have nothing to lose. i already lost you being in my life, even as a friend. and im 29, everything has changed....life completely changed and its been a massive, overwhelming blessing to know this all wasn’t in vain and to know that im part of something bigger than myself and to know that you helped me learn so much and see past the blinders i had on. and i can never repay you for that. and the truth is, even though this path has been hard, trying, lonely, confusing at times and ultimately life changing...., honestly earth shattering in some parts of it, to learn that the majority of my existence was a lie and a sham, that i was the last to know everything, that at 29 im just starting to see what reality is...and all these people say im so green to it- im thankful to know it finally, the curiosity was within me for a reason and you gave me the truth i needed, you gave me my life, but when i found out....it wasn’t my life, it was a lie- but then to learn that you were always the truth....and that now i have the chance to actually live, and love, and choose kindness rather than anger like you always did for me, and be a good person, and try to help wake people up - just trying to do something that extends beyond myself. ....despite all the ups and downs of all of it, and this unconditional love that my heart feels for yours, and the fact that you have someone else and the fact that i am truly happy for you as long as you’re happy because truly that’s all that matters to me is that you are happy. i would do it all again in an instant, no questions asked (this time), no matter what this world sees or thinks or perceives us as can never take away the fact that you were the one real thing that existed in my life- and i lost you, because of myself. i was selfish, unkind and so crazy. you helped me through the darkest parts of my life and myself, my mind could not comprehend what my heart was experiencing from you. i had been in relationships for a decade, long term and they always failed, i was always chasing something that wasn’t meant to be and then outta nowhere there was you and you were and are to this day the kindest and best person i ever knew. but, through the darkest parts of myself...the parts i didnt even know existed- you stayed through those. for some reason, you did. my family didn’t even stay through those, relationships i had put years into didnt stay through it....friends i had known since i was 7 didnt stay through that shit. but you did. you should know undoubtedly you are and were the best thing that happened to me, and there hasn’t been one day since meeting you that i have went without you in my mind. after knowing you, i didn’t honestly care what happened to me, i fell back to what broke me and let it break me even worse- i just needed something, anything to avoid the reality that i fucked up and lost my best friend. the fact that you weren’t in my life anymore was - well, it still leaves me speechless. i know you want space, i dont want to disrespect your wishes, but something is different about today, actualizing that i could have died that day- what would i want to say? i would tell you all of this, that youre the best person i ever met, that i dont know why you stayed with me, that i am so thankful that you fought to teach me to love myself, im so thankful for everything you taught me, the power of now, reincarnation and twin flames and soul mates and you started my soul on this journey that i cant get enough of, i only wish you were part of it. this is my most vulnerable, this is the real me and this is my heart and its still yours like its been since the first time you drove on that blunt cruise and i looked over at you and for the first time in almost a decade i felt safe and comfortable with a man, and you were just so different. and i never thought you would ever see beauty in me. i have written poems, endless diary entries about you. your eyes. and just your presence, i wonder what youre like now. i wonder if you still play the dijiridoo, if you moved, if youre happy, if you like your job whatever it is, how your family is, if you still wanna be a shaman, if you can hear all this, if this consciousness is really real and im actually not batshit crazy, if were twin flames, if you care, if you don’t. if you’re listening, if you’re sick of hearing me talk if you can hear this at all. i hope youre still happy and silly and fun and living a life you absolutely love. i hope everything is working out for you and that the universe has blessed you with all the happiness you deserve. i wonder if you have these intense dreams and what it all means, i wish i could just listen to you and learn like it used to be. i hope its not weird to say things about relationships its just that i say it out of context, like “wow i spent blah blah years with so & so and in 2 months this guy (you) had me completely unraveled, wrapped around your finger” i can honestly say i never loved anyone the way i loved you, i only wish that maybe i could have shown my insecurity as that, my inability to accept true love because i didnt think i deserved it, rather than driving you up a wall. but i honestly hope you are happy now. i miss you, more than i ever knew i could miss anyone. but once again, you are just you and always take me by surprise. idk i guess i was just hoping after all this stuff thats happened that we were meant to be together, star crossed lovers and that you could look in my eyes again and it would just be like it was when we were laying down in your bed and you looked at me and asked me if i ever felt this way before and i said no and we just kissed and it was indescribeable, like home. and i just miss you so much, it feels like the best part of me is gone. and i would give anything.....its like the better half of me is just somewhere out on this earth and just knowing you exist and youre out there, i feel so lost without you. and this is where people say or think oh you’re substituting someone else for a deficit of self love but its not true. i love myself. and i love you, unconditionally. i love you unconditionally and there is no condition in which i couldnt love you or wouldnt, there is nothing you could do or say that would make it not be so. it is, what it is and it will always be there and as long as you are a happy man my heart is happy that yours has found contentment. though i miss you more than there are stars in the skies and grains of sands in the ocean, there is nothing that is more important to me than your happiness and i wish we were in each others lives so i could look in your eyes and say that all to you, that i am so endebted for all you taught me and gave to me, and that you’re such a strong person and i look up to you so much and im sorry i wasnt better and i was so broken and i never meant to hurt you or anyone at all, but especially you when all you did was try to fix me. im so sorry i went back to him, it was idiotic and theres no logic to it. but all i ever have done since you is compare everyone to you and no one has come close. i wish you were here, i wish we could text like that one day when the car was stranded and you were so nice still. and you always are. but i am just so surprised because i just thought we were a perfect fit and i just thought we were just destined to find each others eyes again in a crowd and that we would be like those songs that say climbing every wall to find you and all those songs you gave me that helped me through all the hardest nights, and i dont know what im doing but i hope im doing an ok job and i hope its helping and making a difference. and i wonder how long you knew about all this stuff when we were together and i knew about none of it, the left side and the right side and all the lies, and all the pain and the boundaries of the mind and spirit we have to surpass. and my life has changed 180 degrees since you and i just wish you could be here to share it with me, even as friends and just give you the biggest hug because youre such a wonderful person. and so many people think im crazy and mentally disordered and all of these things just for loving you or caring at all or not giving up. should i give up? because ive been trying to fear not, and keep calm and carry on and the best is yet to come and saying all these positive quotes and stuff, because its like honestly duolingo is the best part of my day and how do you make me laugh when im so down and how do you always know the exact right song i need and all those basshunter songs and the CD you made and all the time you put into the description of each song and just smiling as i read it and looking over at you and you were just snoozing. and just being at lisas and waking you up because i was afraid of ghosts and you were angry and a little grump but you got your little bag of some prescription drug manual that was like pocket sized and was grumbling in the car and upset but you went with me to make me happy and you were just the sweetest thing in the entire universe and the wine and the roses and i just didnt think all of this could have so many deeper meanings and the synchronicities and im always in these dreams trying to find my way back to you and there was that dream and you were a phoenix. i miss you. i am so sorry i hurt you. i am so sorry i was so stupid and reckless with your heart when you never were with mine, i just dont understand why things are this way right now what about liesl and po and all the bunnies and all the stuff you help me see and all the random times you hop around and do things and then youre gone again and then i thought we were finding our way back to each other and then you have a girlfriend and i just was beside myself and took sleep medicine and i know attachment is like something were not supposed to be having or doing or i should be evolving past it but dont we love each other like more than all of this bullshit thats around us? i mean i tried to stab myself to get home to you because i thought that was what was happening, and then im still here and the light playing when the phone was underwater when i was going to stab myself in the bath and im not trying to guilt trip you or say you owe me anythjing but i just thought loki and mia. pepper. hops. tortuga. conejo. mi corozon. was i wrong? was this all in my head? did i just make a fool of myself to wake up the world and end up alone? idk cuz i guess then at least other people are happy and awakened and get a chance to find love and someone who completes them and i mean that. i would be happy for them. but its just all thats been happening this past year,all the dog comments and fat jokes and stabs at my weight, or my face, or an animal comment or the sloppy joe comments or the cupof joe commetns or the half price book comments and im just fighting for us, im fighting for you, i would do anything for you, i would die for you. am i supposed to live for you or something like in the joker and harley quinn thing when he says wuld you die for me, no no no thats too easy, would you live for me? and she says yes and jumps in the ACME bowl of random goo or something. what am i supposed to be doing? because im trying to do whatever my purpose is but i have no idea what that is and i thought because of duolingo that you were like maybe into me or something or maybe just messing with my head but asking me to play along so you could get peoples attention and wake them up and all this stuff but i dont know youre a really confusing person and idk, i just wish we were talking thats all. i was so happy to talk to you in the at&t store and i told you i still love you and you never replied and i was just wondering what you thought about that and then we started talking when i got a new number and then you went away again and im not trying to be disrespectful of your requests and im kinda over tired and maybe this is sounding over needy or selfish or annoying or like a broken record or something that makes you feel like you cant be free or like im trying to force something but its just that arturo was like, its like he was you in a different form. and then angie and it was like you were there and i dont let anyone see me like this but you and now everyone knows and its like have they always heard? did they just hear us through everything? when were intimate? in duolingo? in prayers? when we or you wanna play? has the whole world or all the awakened people just heard everything thats between us and idk now youre with somebody else? i just dont know i was hoping you would think i was pretty or interesting or have some reason to look my way or take a second thought that i might be different and changed and actually good for you or something. but its like you helped me through everything, and the stabbing and everything changed after that and all the noises in that big tv and i dont care what they think they already think im a loose cannon or some schizophrenic biatch who needs to be put in a padded room but its like ive been in the hospital 4 times and like isnt that because we share dual consciousness or something? duality? like the something masculine and feminine, the divine feminine and masculine. and all the stuff about twin flames and soul mates and the incense and the candles lighting up and the songs adding to the play list and the rift in the space time continnuum and all the people on bikes down lake shore drive and all the music that night and the power of now adding more pages and all the visitors of moths and signs and synchronicity and the left sided people and the right sided people and like how i wrote all those things but it wasnt me it was like you or something and then you fuck with me sometimes and i dont know if youre just using me to wake people up or youre hoping i trust you or the universe or something but im sorry that im such a neaurotic and paranoid person and am so used to being fucked over and talked badly about and talked down to and i expect lies and to have my own back. but to be honest i have no idea what im doing all i know is i thought i would stab myself and we would meet in heaven or something but im still here and theres all these signs of you around but youre not here and does your family still hate m? i have changed. i hope youll give me a chance one day or something even as friends and im sorry this is so long its way longer than i meant to go and youre probably annoyed or asleep or upset that i didnt respect your wishes to leave you be because a friendship just wont work out and isnt worth it to you right now but - where did you go. whrerever you are i hope its better than my life, i tried to start over but it seems so many people hate me or are rude to me from my past and im scared to meet new people because most of them seem to already have some idea of who i am or think im an asshole when all these thoughts just barrage my brain and i cant control half of them but they’re all mean cruel judgments and i feel like im disappearing into one big collective ocean and my little wave is just a little itty bitty dude and hes about to just become this massive ocean and i dont know which way is up without you. i miss you. i wish you would give me a chance to see im different. i wish you could come over to the apartment and i would make you bacon and just listen to you or something and we could just cuddle and be close and look into each others eyes and be happy because the worst is over and we can finally be free and be ourselves and be together and know all the songs really were for us and we made it and we won because we got each other. i dont know why youre not here, im sorryi try to be strong but i miss you and your eyes and your feets and the song screenshots and our late convos and making love in random places and you bringing me a dandelion and sharing headphones on a hill and even our stupid fights and you throwing your phone at the computer chair cuz of snapchat and kara saying we have to find better things to fight about, idk its stupid but i would rather fight with you then be with anyone else. but i would never fight with you. idk. maybe i said too much but i gotta have a backbone and post this because everyones already heard it and this can affect more than us and maybe in some weird way this will help wake people up idk all i know is my left and right sides of my body seem at war and i love you.