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mmikmmik2 · 3 years

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If you were to sort the Infinity Train cast(s) into the Major Arcana a la the Persona games, which Arcana would you give everyone?

anon I had SOOOOO much fun thinking about this, thank you so much for sending me this. I sorted all the major characters, plus a few other entries, based on a mix of Arcana symbolism, Persona series character archetypes, and general vibes. I came up with answers I feel pretty good about for all but four of the Arcana. (Was really tempted to say Strength is every human character who doesn't board the train because they can handle their problems on their own lol.) This is going to be a long-winded post, so I thought I’d post just the list as an image (which hopefully won’t be too blurry!) rather than wrestle with Tumblr formatting trying to make a short list, and put a big text wall under the readmore talking more about my picks.

If this list does end up illegible, the same info is under the readmore as text! Plus some characters for Magician, Strength, Justice, and Death that I didn’t want to add to the “official” list because they’re more based on headcanon. (Although my reasoning for some of the “official” picks is pretty weak lol.)

One-One as 0. The Fool

Oh my gosh, what am I?

IT is great at fleshing out character backstories and families, so One-One at the beginning of S1 is one of the few characters who really feels like a blank slate. He's got a lot of his baggage back by the end of the season, and I think One and One-One are more similar than they seem at first glance, but S1 does seem to have been very formative for One-One and how he thinks about what he's supposed to be doing and how he relates to other people. So it does kind of feel like his fool's journey.

Alrick Timmens as I. The Magician

The magician begins the journey... by beefing it on a dirt bike, dying, and sending his wife flying off the deep end. Rip.

Alrick was an engineer like Amelia, so I could see him suiting some of the themes of the Magician, like conscious thought and manifesting ideas. His apparent playfulness and insecurity are similar to the Magician characters in Persona.

Kez as II. The High Priestess

“We can’t make this decision for you, Kez.” “You know what to do.”

I thought really hard about making Kez the Magician because just like every Magician since Persona 3, she's dumb, horny, and insecure dlkjasfdkl

(and also her showing up at the start of the story arc and being helpful but also super needy is very Magician)

But the idea of "intuition" really does suit Kez. Sometimes her intuition is as bad as her conscious reasoning, but I think that's a lot because she's so confused about what happened with Jeremy, and Morgan making Kez feel like she did a bad thing by helping him.

Tuba as III. The Empress

She made me feel like I was warm all the time.

Tuba's a mom. Sorry, this one's not that deep, haha.

Simon Laurent as IV. The Emperor

Highest number! I'm the leader now.

Simon has a lot of issues, but the one that felt the most prominent to me was his unhealthy relationship with power, authority, dominance, and rules. Another quote I considered using here was what he said in Grace's memory of meeting Amelia: "I never thought I'd get to see the Conductor with my own eyes. He's perfect! Everything finally makes sense again." In his emotional crisis, he thought everything could be fixed just by the existence of a huge, scary, powerful, male authority figure, even if they weren't doing anything helpful or informative.

Atticus as V. The Hierophant

I like to think that our stones are sturdy and handsome, like the Corgis that crafted them.

Atticus is a figure of traditional authority who deeply loves the history, society, and culture of his people. He often provides spiritual wisdom and encourages Tulip to get out of her own head and engage with the world around her. Also in Persona, Hiero is the Dad Arcana so it's very funny to me (a) to make the little dog be Hiero and (b) that the little dog really does have the strongest Wholesome Dad Energy of the whole cast.

Jesse Cosay as VI. The Lovers

Don't tell me what to do. I'm not going to be a part of anything like this, on or off the train.

This was my first and easiest pick lol, Jesse is sooooo Lovers. Like, the focus on choice and personal values and relationships? Yep, that's Jesse. It works on an "actual meaning of the Arcana" level and a "vibes with the Persona characters" level lol... popular, upbeat, and having such an identity crisis.

Lake as VII. The Chariot

I'm my own person, who is getting off this train!

I don't know if Chariot captures all the ways Lake grew over the course of S2, but I feel like they had the most externally focused conflict of all the IT characters, which suits Chariot. They've been fighting to stake out their personhood from start to finish, and they took action and used their willpower to achieve that goal. Also they have at least a little jock energy which is a prereq for Chariot tbh.

Frank as VIII. Strength

I dunno, I kinda imagine him as a simple man and easily underestimated, but with a lot of heart. The Cat may say they're keeping things casual but I don't think she'd take him with her on her private vacation unless he had some kind of inner toughness that would let him stand toe-to-toe with her.

Morgan as IX. The Hermit

I need to be alone right now. Kez... maybe... we can talk later.

I like that Morgan embodies toxic self-isolation and stonewalling and rejection, but that she seems to be moving towards the positive aspects of Hermit and taking some time to calm down and process and think. I like it when characters can embody the best and worst of their Arcana.

Tulip Olsen as X. The Wheel of Fortune

We have to adapt to the changes in our lives. It's the only way things can get better.

Tulip has a lot of themes and conflicts, but this one is a clear standout as the most important. I also like it for Tulip because, while she has to handle a lot of difficult and even traumatic situations, some of the change that challenges her isn't as unambiguously bad as e.g. the death of a loved one. It really is just change itself she's struggling with, and that's Fortune babey. Also, from the perspective of the train itself and lots of other characters, by reversing Amelia and One-One's positions again and changing how One-One administrates the train, Tulip is the one giving the wheel a spin. That's fun.

Lucy as XI. Justice

One of my friends once described the Justice characters in Persona as "the ones the player character is ultimately accountable towards", and I like to think of Lucy as kind of being that for Grace (...since Hazel has excused herself). Lucy is the Apex kid we see Grace interact with the most, the first Apex kid Grace admitted to herself that she had harmed (see Grace very briefly showing distress and then regret when Jesse points the harpoons at his face and she stops him), and the first person to confront Grace when she came home in The New Apex.

Min-Gi Park as XII. The Hanged Man

I don't know if we'll sell a single album, but we'll figure that out as we go.

Min-Gi sacrifices his "realistic", "sensible" goals for a more personally (spiritually, even?) enriching life that's beyond his control and outside of the expected norm. Like the Hanged Man, who dangles foolishly upside-down, but as a deliberate choice and in a state of serenity and enlightenment. I also think this arcana suits a reading of Min-Gi's character development as starting off going slower as a way to stall and live in denial, but then going slower with deliberation. Compare his arrogant insistence on refusing to act in The Astro Queue Car to his patience and care in The Castle Car and The Train to Nowhere.

Jeremy as XIII. Death

This isn't about the death of his family - I'm thinking of his reluctance to admit his number was going down. He cared about Morgan and Kez, and it's possible both that he may have really wanted to stay with them despite his exit and that that might even have been a healthy choice - they're real ass people with feelings and everything, not holodeck characters. But I also think Jeremy was using his life with them to avoid moving on out of that fog (because it was hard and it hurt and he didn't want to think about what that would mean for him and Morgan) and Morgan was enabling him.

Ryan Akagi as XIV. Temperance

Maybe the experience is the point. I wasn't just rushing you. I was rushing myself.

I think this one speaks for itself. Also, the other quote I considered putting here, from The Art Gallery Car: "You told me I can't appreciate the song without taking in the rest of the album. I need the whole package."

The Cat as XV. The Devil

I always do the right thing.

Honestly, this is one I really wasn't sure about. The Cat isn't a great pick for a lot of the meanings of Devil. She is definitely consumed by material comforts, and the short-term rewards of ignoring her issues at a long-term cost, though. This is more of a "vibes with Persona characters with this arcana" pick... Devil characters tend to start off being somewhat exploitative or even antagonistic towards the player character, and gradually showing a more conflicted and genuine side.

Amelia Hughes as XVI. The Tower

There's a hole in the universe where Alrick used to be.

Amelia's life is defined by catastrophe and upheaval - both those she's suffered and those she's inflicted on others.

Hazel as XVII. The Star

I'm going to keep loving you like you're still here.

When I think of "The Star" as a small but inextinguishable light in the darkness, Hazel seems like the obvious choice. Although we left her deeply wounded, I think she still has a flicker of her hope, faith, and purpose.

Grace Monroe as XVIII. The Moon

But it's unfair for me to tell you how to understand yourself. I mean, I don't even fully understand me.

Grace is probably the most complex and dynamic character on the show and hence one of the most difficult to place. I considered Empress, Strength, Devil, and Judgement for her... I think ultimately, lies and illusions are the most unifying theme of her character arc. Also, from a Persona angle, her pursuit of status out of a lack of true self-worth reminds me of Ai and Mishima.

Alan Dracula as XIX. The Sun

Brought together by the majesty of a superpowered deer!

I'm sorry dkjasfklads this is largely because I thought it was funny to have this completely inexpressive dead-eyed deer as Sun akfk but also... like... it kind of works okay!!! Think about the genuine joy and comfort and positivity he brings to Lake and Jesse (and me)!

The New Apex as XX. Judgement

"Then what are we gonna be?" "Guess we'll have to figure it out?"

This is kind of a Persona mythology gag again because of Judgement being a group social link near the end of the narratives of P3 and P4, when the protagonists have pierced through the lies and actually figured out who the villain of their game is and are ready to really start making progress.

0 as XI. The World

Ah, train does it again!

It's an ending and the completion of a journey, but also the beginning of a new one. And the world is literally what the passengers receive at the end of their train journey. Welcome home.

#infinity train #infinity train spoilers #protagonists of IT #Anonymous

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sybilmarlowe · 3 years

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Since I joined the One Piece fandom, I was asked different times which character I ship with Doffy the most. Given I'm usually into self insert things, I'd firstly go with "my OC, of course 😛"... But let's talk about what I think of Doffy's most famous ships 😁

DISCLAIMER: all of what follows is TOTALLY my own opinion, don't want to judge anyone who thinks differently than me. OP is a fictional world made of fictional characters and anyone can ship whoever they likes!

So, here's the ships:

Doffy x Viola

Ok, let's start with what many people's don't want to hear: this ship is canon. Yeah. Like it or not, it's a matter of fact.

I honestly like them together, they're a weird couple but somehow they work. I like to imagine how could have been the dynamic between the two of them, and I'm more than sure there was nothing abusive from Doffy's side. I mean, sexually at least. I agree with the fact destroying one's whole life and Country is pretty abusive, but I'm quite sure the feelings between Doffy and Viola have been real for a while. Maybe the concept could sound trivial, but no one chooses who to love and Doffy has many characteristics which may definitely make a person fall for him. Not totally sure HE has ever truly loved her, but I like to think so. After all he does have a weak side and Viola might have been one of the few (even thanks to her powers) who managed to see it and knowing him deeply. This surely strenghtened their bond and it might have finally resulted in love...

My vote is a 8/10

Doffy x Cora

This is incest. I know. And it's indeed problematic and controversial. Irl a thing like this isn't exactly acceptable.

BUT as I told before, OP is pure fiction, so... I have to say quite like them tbh. In my opinion, as long as a relationship is adult and consensual there's nothing deeply wrong in it IN FICTIONAL WORLDS. (I know, there are fanfictions in which their relationship is abusive, but since we’re talking about headcanons here I like to think it’s not). Have you watcher GoT? Cersei and Jamie were one of the best written pairings in the whole series, the same goes for this situation imo, we have all the conditions to make this ship a sensible one.

They’re a realistic couple cause they went through a lot of difficulties together and, even if they chose different paths of life, their bond is very very deep. Their love is a desperate one, like “you’re the only one in this world I can REALLY trust”. This from both sides. The difference is that Cora is a pure person who just want to love and being loved while Doffy... well, he’s not exactly mentally healthy and he’s like “all or nothing”.

A lot of angst and stuff, of course, for this reason my vote is 7/10

Doffy x Crocodile

I’m sure someone out there is going to want my head for what I’m about to write, the DoffyxCroco fandom is huge after all... but...

I don’t like this ship at all.

Given one can ship two people with no reason or just because they wear matching colours and look good in fanarts (?) imo DoffyxCrocodile has no sense. They interact, yeah, but nothing about their dialogues or shared scenes makes me thing they could be a good couple. Even that most famous encounter at Marineford which made fanpeople scream... They looked just like contenders who quite disliked eachother, nothing less and nothing more :/ and Doffy saying “I’m jelous!” just gave me the same vibes of a childish sacrastic way to piss off a person, pretty much like the stupid classic “you fight like a girl!”.

They’re aesthetically beautiful, nothing to say, they’re both among the most handsome characters in OP and have a similar story, so I’m not saying I don’t understand the reasons of those who ship them... Just... I want ships to be stronger and more credible than this :/

6/10 just because they look good in fanarts XD

Doffy x Luffy

This is pretty diffused, but..... why.

I mean... what happened between the two of them which could have made them fall for eachother?? D: Have you ever tried to date a person after trying GearFourthPunch them out of the troposphere? °A° (Also, Luffy could LITERALLY be Doffy’s son. This is weird. Not the weirdest thing, but still.)

Srsly... If you like them together I ask you to tell me which dynamics are there behind this ship. Cause I really can’t see WHERE do you see even a little trace of feelings between the two of them D:

Sorry D:

3/10

Doffy x Law

Gods, yes. YES.

This ship HELLA works from every single point of view. Doffy and Law are two of the most (if not THE MOST) well written characters in the whole series. They have a complete and complex background, a deep and multifaceted personality and, above all, an extremely strong bond.

Ship them or not, they’re literally OBSESSED by eachother for different reasons.

Law is the ONLY man Doffy considers almost his equal, he thinks he’s like the only person worth being his right hand man and I’m quite sure he’s galvanized by the idea Law is the one who’s gonna sacrifice his life to make him immortal. Like... a great life to complete an even greater one? This is insane. And yet beautiful.

On the other hand, Law’s thoughts have been completely centred on taking revenge on Doffy for 10 years. Like, he was literally obsessed by that man, consumed by the hate he felt for him which obscured anything else, even his maniacal good sense in the end.

Turning this all into a tragic and tormented love story is as easy as drinking water. A long-term reciprocal hate mixed with a deep admiration for eachother (even from Law’s side, after all Doffy was the one who thaught him almost... everything?) which slowly turns into something terribly different. Imagine the tension between two arch enemies who have to admit their hate melted into passion... and yet still have this latent feeling of wanting the other’s death.......

Don’t know what’s your opinion about this kind of stories, but for me, the self proclaimed Queen of Angst, in love with the most tragical Theatre and Literature... THIS IS GOOD STUFF.

10/10 HANDS DOWN.

Doffy x Trebol

What tHE ACTUAL F***K.

-10/10

Doffy x Bellamy

Please, no.

Alright, I hate Bellamy. He’s exactly the kind of character I find terribly pathetic and incomplete. He barely has a personality of his own, he’s a wild fanboy with nothing original (not like Barto. Barto is the best fanboy ever. All my love goes to Barto.).

Now, he spent all his 34 years of life trying to... imitate Doffy? And yet he doesn’t even manage to truly understand him. So he’s worse than a fanboy, he’s attracted to the idealization of a man who’s not even half of the things he expects him to be. This is sad. Really sad. And call me a sadist, he deserved being humiliated imo. Maybe this helped him open his eyes and getting a life. Seriously.

It goes without saying I totally can’t see how a relationship between him and Doffy could work. Doffy despises him, the only kind of plot this thing could have is a quite abusive one :/ and since I deeply dislike abuse.... no. This ship is totally out of question.

0/10

Doffy x Monet

This is another ship which barely touches the canon. I sincerely think the "love" between the two of them is pretty much unilateral. Doffy respects Monet, he deeply appreciates her abilities, intelligence and loyalty, she's clearly among his closest subordinates, but... He doesn't love her in a romantic way. As for Monet, she's totally in love with him, she'd kill and die for him. And in fact that's what she does in the end.

Monet is not among my fav characters, but I still feel quite sorry for how things went for her. She gave her everything away for a helpless, almost obsessive, love.

If something between the two of them really happened for real, I think it was merely physical.

For this reason, tough I have to admit they'd actually look beautiful together, I can't ship them :/

5/10

Doffy x Vergo

Ok, I dislike Vergo. He's quite a flat character imo, don't even like his design 😅 I don't ship him with Doffy for this simple reason, but being honest they could perfectly work as a couple.

Vergo was among Doffy's very first "real friends", he was among those who were considered a family by him and, most importantly, he was the only one around his same age. They literally grew up together, likely supporting each other, and I wouldn't be honest if I said this has no chance to be a good assumptipn for a love story. A quite simple and basic one, if you want, but it's the most realistic kind of bond two people can make.

Still not shipping them, my vote is a honest 7/10.

Guess that's all?

Let me know what do you think about this 😆 do you agree with my votes? Or there are some points you totally disagree with?

Well, anyways. I had fun 😂

#doflamingo headcanons #doflamingo #donquixote doflamingo #one piece #one piece hc

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theneondemonx · 3 years

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Ok so I read Part 3 of Judas and DUDE. DUDE. I'm so fucking whipped for this fic. You are so detailed in exploring the dynamics between the characters. I feel like I can truly grasp their psychology and that makes them so fucking real. Idk this is quality content for a fic. I came here expecting dick but I'm staying for the plot. I love that you are taking your time to explore the characters without rushing into the angst. I can see it slowly building up and creating little knots that I'm sure will escalate in a big ass mess. I also love how you always point out how similar oc and Joon are, because I can sense that you got a point in there and you're gonna make it a double edged sword. My favorite part in this chapter was the one with Marco, especially at the end, when he talks about how being involved with bts it's nowhere near a dream and it sucks people in their world. I found it very realistic and deep? Like usually in idols!au I see either the overly dramatic version of the thing or the idealized one. I feel like this is really well balanced and mature. Idk I just love your style and this fic is a masterpiece. FIGHT ME.

This.. this made my day. I'm so flattered omg sjwixniwjdis 🥰🥰

Thanks for everything, especially the detailed comments. I really appreciate them. I like to know what you guys think. It's interesting to read your reactions to the story and how you receive the subtleties *w* I'll try to give you my side on everything.

Tbh I thought the smut would come sooner but idk.. it just went like this and I don't like to push things. I want them to develop as naturally as they can and I'm really having a field day with this story.

Yes, it's no coincidence the constant reminder of Joon's and OC's similarity. I actually don't know how the fic will end, so there's still a possibility they might be endgame after all (seriously, idk, I love both dynamics so much and I have my interpretation of the whole arch for both), but for sure this will be their main problematic point. Cause you know.. being too similar is not always the best thing. Mixing with different people helps you smooth your edges and overcome the parts of yourself that hold you back. Also, it gives you a different outlook on life. Relationships are about growth, and it's hard to grow when you are both stuck in the same places. Not impossible, but hard. I think a glimpse of that was in the part were OC and Joon didn't talk at all for sth like three days, which for a couple that is close to one year of relationship it's pretty weird. Also the fact that they still didn't talk it out makes it pretty clear that they have problems communicating when it comes to problems between them.

Marco's part! God I loved to write that part and I'm already in love with that character because I feel like he has a 360 degrees outlook on being in a relationship with a bts member. I'm sure I'll write more about him because he really is the one who tells it like it is and has a deep understing that I would call "the artist's sensibility to the world around him" lol

All in all, I'm very glad you are liking this fic. I'm getting very invested in writing it and I hope you guys enjoy the next chapters. It's gonna be a wild ride lol 💜

#judas #asks #send me asks #jungkook angst #jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfic #namjoon angst #namjoon x reader #namjoon fanfic #bts #bts fanfic #bts x reader

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chiyuukiaru · 4 years

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In regards to the newest chapter of Haikyuu!!, can I say how happy I am that Furudate sensei hasn't shown any "quite decent players, probably could go pro, but anyway they didn't for this or that reason" in pro careers?!

It would be so unrealistic and looks more like fanservice than a solid storyline.

Of course, by me saying that, it means I do have a list (?) of people that I think will and won’t go pro. Yes, I know, unless I am Furudate, I can’t really pinpoint who will be pro athletes and who won’t be. But I believe, we as dedicated fans, can all at least make some sensible guesses about that.

Now, moving on. The players that I actually think would go pro so far have appeared in manga as pros (cheers me!). As for the rest of them, I’ll try to break it down by teams coz it’s easier and tidier. Mind you, I’m not athletic and can’t do any sports at all. So technique-wise, I can’t explain much. I go by intuition and deep thinking for pretty much all of my guesses below. So if you’re going to read my analysis (?) or opinion (?), please don’t be too harsh on me just because I can’t give you the logical reasons behind it. Maybe, I should apologize in advance for this.

Karasuno (brace yourself, it’s gonna be long)

Kageyama is the first one. I honestly can’t see any other career choice for him except going pro and finally be a coach after he retired. Kageyama has been playing and practicing volleyball the longest, since he was 7 (Hoshiumi too). And this is the reason why he’s so far ahead of everyone. Also, he’s even worse than Hinata in school, so there’s no way he went to university to me. So, pro it is.

Aside from Kageyama (and Hinata, but I believe I don’t need to explain Hinata to you coz we’re currently the viewers of his journey to be a professional player), I can only see Nishinoya going pro. For me, he stands in the same category as Kageyama. And he’s not going to university with a brain like his. Not trying to be rude or belittling him, but I just can’t see Nishinoya voluntarily enrolling in college. Other than that, Nishinoya is one of the best Libero in the series. It still bothers me even to this day, that he wasn’t invited to the Youth Camp with Kageyama. But I think I understand why: there are just too many great Liberos and The Youth Camp wouldn’t be able to hold everyone there. Besides, there’s the “positioning after receiving thing” that Kageyama had to tell him. Who knows if Nishinoya has been doing that for so long?! An observant scouting staff or professional coach would definitely think it’s a minus point. And there’s the suspension he got too. Idk about other countries much, but I know how Japan really takes care of their background and portfolio. His suspension may be not for something dangerous like drugs, but it definitely marred his resume for the Youth Camp a bit. But Nishinoya has moved past that now and pro career is not so impossible for him.

For the other 2nd years: Tanaka, Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita, they probably won’t go pro. Tanaka has a higher chance though, and deep down I want him to shine more in volley, but I still don’t think so. Tanaka & Kinoshita look like they will go straight down to labor working right after graduation. Ennoshita & Narita were in class 4 and can be assumed as pretty smart, so college and office working probably.

Tbh, I actually can see Asahi be a pro. But, he’s a bit tricky. It all depends on whether he got scouted after Spring High or not. Coz he already chose not to go to university, so it is not impossible as well. As for the rest of the 3rd years, no. I think they have other things (or a career) that they want to pursue and they are smart enough to do it (Daichi and Suga were both in college preparatory class). Though, I would love to see Daichi graduating from sport science or something and go back to Karasuno and be an assistant coach hehe.

For first years, I don’t think Tsukishima & Yamaguchi will go pro. Same like Daichi & Suga, I believe they both have a dream job in their mind, hence why they chose to go to university. Ofc, they can go pro after graduation, but I have little faith in it. Now, I think Tsukishima wanted to be an archaeologist or something along the line (all those dinosaurs!!!), I would be so happy if it turned out to be true.

Aoba Johsai

Except Oikawa, I honestly don’t think the rest of Seijoh will be pros. Maybe Iwaizumi or Kyoutani, but the others, not so much. On a side note, Oikawa (and Hinata) is the most surprising outta the rest of the Haikyuu!! characters. I mean, I never would’ve thought that he’d fly to Argentina and join a league there. I always think he’d join a Japan team. But I love the element of surprise, so I guess it’s fine.

Datekou

Aone has the best chance. Simply because he has all the necessary skills. But he’s so quiet I can’t guess anything from him. I could be wrong, really. Futakuchi and Koganegawa aren’t so bad either, but Idk tho.

Johzenji

I have no idea, truthfully. But I’m leaning more toward the opinion that no one from the team will continue playing professionally.

Kakugawa

I really really wish Hyakuzawa going pro. He’s blessed with the height and also power. With enough practice, he’ll be great. But that’s just my wishful thinking. I can’t really guess him, similar to Aone.

Shiratorizawa

Ushijima is another one of my “definitely going pro people”. He’s just a complete package. He has the sense, the height, the power, the… everything. It would be a big waste for him to just stop. And Ushijima is a volleyball baka too, so he loves the sport too much to not continue playing.

I also think that Goshiki might try to get into pro teams too, maybe after completing college. I don’t think he’d stop just like that. I mean, after Ushijima retired, Shiratorizawa never went to National again. I think that hit him hard. Especially because Ushijima left the team on his hand as the next ace. I would really love to see Goshiki improving himself and kinda get a revenge by getting much much better than before. But, if he doesn’t go pro, it won’t be really disappointing to me. After all, Haikyuu!! always tries to be as close as possible to real life, and in real life not every good player can be pro.

Tendou is a no no. He said he’d stop and he wouldn’t lie about it. Shirabu is confusing, but I think he’d stop in high school or maybe university. He’s not a bad setter, he’s good, but even within Shiratorizawa, his ability is not better than Semi. He was the starting setter just because he was able to blend into the background and be a support for Ushijima so he could shine. So, I really don’t think he got scouted or still pursuing Ushijima.

For the rest of Shiratorizawa, we didn’t see much of them so I can’t make clear guesses. I apologize once again.

Nekoma

Nekoma is also a bit confusing. But, I could see Lev go pro. He’s not super duper amazing per se (I say this based on his performance up to National, idk how he is now okay), but he has the talent and all those height and power. His progress is fast too. I think it’d catch the scouting agents’ attention.

Now, Kenma definitely wouldn’t go pro and we’re shown that XD. Surprise though, I always had a headcanon that he’d be a pro gamer or secretly doing stock trading. Just never thought he’d be a YouTuber and a company board member (or is it CEO?!). Imagine my feeling when my “simply headcanon” became real.

Kuroo is a bit like Asahi, but I honestly believe he is really smart and probably wanna do something else. I wish Yaku would go pro coz he’s a really top caliber Libero (and I would really like to watch his rivalry with Nishinoya grow more), but he didn’t really show much “ambition” for professional career for me. The rest of the members wouldn’t go pro too imo.

Fukurodani

Now, as much as it breaks my heart to say this, I don’t think Akaashi is going pro. He gives me “doctor/scientist/basically high and smart position vibe” somehow. And he’s very clever as well (all those thinking he does lmao), I think he’d pursue something else. So volleyball stopped in high school or university for him. Idk about the rest of Fukurodani though. I definitely wanna see more of Konoha, but the chance is small.

Bokuto >>> pro for me. Been that for a long time. He doesn’t strike me as academically gifted, but I can be wrong ofc. He could: a) straight going pro after high school or b) finished college then go pro. Either way, he’s definitely pro athletes material.

Inarizaki

Atsumu (I’ll call him Atsumu to differentiate him with his twin, even though I prefer last name tbh) also >>> pro. The reason is pretty similar to Ushijima/Kageyama/Bokuto. He’s just that good. Oh on this, I really should mention that I believe all the Youth Camp candidates are going to be or already pros (this by extension means Sakusa & Komori from Itachiyama).

For the rest of Inarizaki, the ones that will be pro are Aran and Osamu. Aran is awesome and one of the best 5 aces in the nation. I know he would get scouted. Whether he go pro after high school or after finishing college, idk. But he will be pro. I would riot if he isn’t. And for Osamu, it would be really cool if he goes to a different team than his twin and they will fight it out on court.

On a side note, Kita is one of my favorite characters and he’s the one that from personality and mindset, can resonate the most with me. But tbh, I’m certain he’s not gonna go pro.

Kamomedai

The only Kamomedai members that would be pro for me are Hoshiumi and Hakuba. Hirugami is high level himself ofc, but idk, I didn’t get the pro ambition vibe from him, similar to Yaku.

Hoshiumi is another one in my list that I think would be revealed as a pro. He’s small, yes, but there’s a wing spiker in Japan National Men’s Volleyball Team that’s around 178cm, and I believe Hoshiumi has grown around this height too. I mean, Hinata has reached 171cm, so it’s possible that Hoshiumi has grown taller as well. Besides, he’s really really really good. He has one of the highest overall skill after Kageyama. He only lose in power coz well, he’s smaller. After all, there’s the promise he made to Hinata. So a showdown between them will definitely happen. So, I think it’s safe to assume Furudate will make him a pro athlete.

Hakuba >>> same vibe as Lev and Hyakuzawa. He’s tall af. Not many people can reach 2 meters (especially Japanese), so he’d bring an advantage for any pro teams.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention Kiryuu. He’s definitely going pro (or he already is?). I really really like and admire him. His character is so wholesome and amazing, he deserves the best. And that translates to the best career too. I would be so disappointed if he isn’t a pro.

There’s also Tsubakihara High School that Karasuno fought in the first round National. Out of those players, the ace (Teradomari) and their wing spiker (Maruyama) have the best chance to get scouted. But there’s little information that we have about them, so I’m not sure. Furudate might not bring them back to the present. This also applies to Ubugawa and Shinzen High School captains from the training camp. Oh, Daishou-kun is also an interesting character, I would love to see him again. But maybe he won’t come back as pro player tho. But him giving commentaries will be very appreciated hehe.

PS: I kinda wish Furudate was a fic writer, lol. They would be able to write absolute masterpiece of crack-pair fics considering how they are able to make sense of Bokuto-Atsumu and Ushijima-Kageyama, lmao. Who else after this? Hoshiumi-Sakusa? Nishinoya-Kiryuu? XD

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elkian · 5 years

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hey uh not to sound fake deep but after rewatching Jim Henson’s Labyrinth I gotta say

It kinda reads as (intentionally or no) being about abusive/toxic relationships?

(Sarah’s parents should have made an effort to communicate with her rather than either leaving her alone or saddling her with responsibility with no apparent in-between but that’s neither here nor there at the moment)

I’ve seen a lot of interpretations where Jareth is smitten with her or w/e - kind of read it that way myself when I first saw it as a teen - but really?

His reaction to finding out that she’s broken out of the dream and trash land (implying if not proving that Dream Jareth wasn’t even controlled by Real(?) Jareth cause otherwise he shoulda been more worried?)

His reaction is very frantic. He thought she was dealt with - and at that point, he stopped paying attention to her. He’s not stressed about the clock - doesn’t even think about hiding Toby til the news comes in - at this point, so it’s not as if he’s overly distracted.

He only cares about Sarah when she has something he wants (Toby, etc.) or is defying him.

He’s concerned when he oversees the Goblin City battle. He visibly gets more anxious as she and her friends start to prevail and work their way closer.

Also, all of his interactions with Sarah are really manipulative? “I did what you wanted” - true, one of the few true/honest things he says to her at this point, but’s not a reasonable truth. A reasonable, decent person wouldn’t hear a teenager say “hey, can you kidnap my younger sibling right now immediately because I hate them” and go “you got it, also you owe me” in any serious way. Abetting a self-destructive impulse is not an act of kindness, but he’s playing it as one.

“You cowered. I was terrifying“ - this one is interesting - and as far as I can tell, plays less into the moral unless we go really deep. Here they’re talking about the play - Sarah-as-an-actor cowering before The Big Bad. This plays more into the fantasy imo as it’s about the strange relationship between Sarah’s life (the Escher poster, the music box, the entire “The Labyrinth” playbook, etc.) and what the Goblin King has made reality. How much of it is his realm so much as it is her own subconscious and imagination?

Anyways.

More to the main point -

Via asking for help correctly, at first manipulating and then later by communicating better and working together, Sarah gets to the Castle - with help. “I have to face him alone“ doesn’t make a huge amount of sense from a purely logical standpoint, but it’s a fairy tale, and- if it’s an allegory for abusive or toxic relationships, this is a critical point after all. Her friends, her support network who doesn’t argue, even once, that it’s better to leave Toby with Jareth (Hoggle sort of does but his motive is more “Doing this thing is terrifying, I’m terrified of it, I don’t want to help you [get hurt doing it]”), they acknowledge her need to handle this herself, but make certain she knows that any and all of them will come running if she asks it.

This really reads as a support network supporting a survivor break things off without doing it for her? to me? There’s no doubt that she’s making the calls, telling Jareth what she really thinks, breaking it all off.

Back to Jareth - pretty much all of his interactions with Sarah are deeply manipulative (which, hey, fairy tale fairy, par for the course tbh). Every time she makes progress, he jumps in to turn her around - whether with Hoggle’s increasingly unwilling help, physically manipulating the Labyrinth, or as things get more tense for him, outright drugging(??) her and bribing her.

He’s constantly trying to deflect her frankly perfectly reasonable concerns (regardless of what she said, again, no sensible, decent person would have taken that as actual permission - hey, compare and contrast Didymus - to take a baby away) by bribing her with insubstantial promises. He’ll show her her dreams. Not make them come true, not help her, not change her, just show her - just like the peach dream.

Everything he does is deceptive, duplicitous, manipulative. At the end, he’s wheedling, bargaining, and borderline gaslighting her “after everything I’ve done for you” to try and distract her as a last-ditch effort. The fact that he’s almost entirely physically nonpresent for this journey - even when he confronts her in the Escher Room, he walks right through her - is also a thing? Actually, I don’t think he ever physically touches her in the movie (which overall, probably for the best, but ALSO a pretty interesting point). He’s always manipulating her surroundings, her friends, and events around her - because he can’t succeed at manipulating her.

Sarah. At the start, she’s immediately remorseful - because honestly, why would she ever have thought that would actually have real consequences, let alone immediate, magical ones? She’s very polite, on the verge of tears with Jareth, trying to ask for Toby’s return. Jareth is harsher here than he is in the end scene, because he has more (apparent) power. “Don’t defy me.” (The snake-scarf is the only real physical interaction they have, I think, also?)

I’m not gonna go into everything she does in the movie bc dear lord this post is already enormous, but early Sarah vs ending Sarah?

She refuses to even contemplate his manipulations. She knows he can’t give her anything substantial, let alone worth Toby. She spends part of his bargaining trying to remember her line! Because she knows he can’t offer anything worthwhile!

Jareth backs up as she approaches. He no longer has any hold over her, no longer frightens her. He appears in something - I don’t want to say wedding-outfit, but of a taste with it? maybe? idk - and he begs and pleads, he promises to “be her slave” if only she’ll let him control her. It is absolutely his last-ditch effort.

Her final lines could, I think, mirror onto: “I’ve been through a lot [getting to this point]. I’m just as much a person as you*. You have no power over me.”

*(re: the parents - Sarah feels like she’s not being respected as a person and dealt with accordingly which is an unfortunate reality for many children and teens, the latter of whom are even more stifled as they’re given more responsibility without an equal share of basic respect)

After an entire movie of him trying, and failing, to manipulate her directly, of him trying to slow her down, trying to demoralize her, she realizes that he doesn’t have to matter to her. He has no power over her - he cringes back as she steps forward, he desperately interrupts her game-breaking lines, he wheedles and bargains and begs, and he fails, because she realizes she doesn’t have to acknowledge him at all.

Obviously this message isn’t exact perfect, especially for people in really tough abusive situations, but I do feel it’s at least meant as a warning to those falling into abusive or toxic relationships, or are being taken advantage of in some way.

“Here are the red flags; here is how weak the other person actually is if you don’t give them a foothold.” Maybe??

ALSO: I like that her friends’ “Should you need us” applies to just being lonely. It’s not just that they stepped up to help her in a particular time of need, but that they are, and she acknowledges them as, friends who are just friends, too.

---

(Other Key points in the movie are ‘don’t take [getting help] for granted’ and ‘you’ve gotta know your goal/know how to ask for help to get it correctly’ (the worm is a v benign variant imo). Not the most wholesome for the overall message I’m reading, but a decent and more direct message to the probable audience (middle-class teens) I think?)

---

END ESSAY

#the labyrinth #abuse warn #elk text #15th #September #2019 #September 15th 2019 #where the heck did all this come from #here's my TEDTalk #this is a mess it's just a pile of possible off-the-cuff interpretations #it's cool if you don't agree #it's just something that came to me

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steve0discusses · 5 years

Text

Yugioh S2 Ep 46 Part 1: Young Marik Goes to a Craft Fair/Immediately Murders His Own Dad

Ah Yugioh, last episode got pretty weird, and this one, I’m pleased to say, is that much weirder.

We start with Mokuba, who either has a PHD in languages studies, or is just completely full of BS. And, when it comes to the Kaibas, we’ll just never know. It could go either way and I’d absolutely buy it.

Of course, none of this matters since Kaiba is cursed, in case you forgot. His curse is a lot easier than everyone else’s because all he does is vibe with a ancient relic he refuses to think is real and then hallucinate his dead wife he refuses to talk about.

I am still kind of reeling over the fact that Seto’s Previous-Life’s Dead Wife is Blue Eyes is canon. I’m sure they thought turning this card into a person would be simple and fun. It’s still fun, for me, for that room of writers that now has to untangle this mess they just created? Yeah good freakin luck with that.

Also, I forgot something last episode.

Much better. Seto’s catching up, slowly but surely, to Marik.

(read more under the cut)

And I mean...Seto is just low-key unaware that he’s vaguely obsessed with his Great^nth Grandma, right? Like that’s the canon? Nice. I mean there’s a 5000 year difference and she is like a card, so...legally it’s fine, whatever, it’s not like they can ever hook up.

But like...didn’t Seto tear a Blue Eyes completely in half in the first episode? That’s kind of messed up now! Granted, back in Episode 1 the writers probably didn’t know that 1 season later they’d all be sitting around a table and going like “so...what if they were married???”

Like...how weird is it now that Grandpa still has that torn up Blue Eyes?

(I say as if this is a big deal on a show where the canon flagship relationship of Yugi and Tea involves Yugi who is 3 people and Tea who is, as we find out at the end of this episode, also 3 people. Mind you, 2 of those people is just 2 Bakuras, but it’s still an awkward 5-way. Who would they even be kissing if they were kissing? ((JK we all know it would just be Bakura and Bakura)) )

Does Grandpa and Arthur even realize how freakin weird it is that their token of eternal friendship/marriage is literally the dead waifu of that random rich guy over there? That Arthur was like “remember my not-romantic love always, by wifing with this wife who is also my wife. Goodbyyyyyye.”

Was Episode 1 just Kaiba walking in on a three way with his predestined card-ex? Was that how he got so freakin pissed? It actually would make more sense than what actually happened. And like I’m pretty sure that particular Blue Eyes chose Grandpa over Seto so, what even is that? Is that like a divorce or something?

Also, and this is the most important thing about this entire situation, did Pegasus really try like a billion times to resurrect his dead wife unsuccessfully (I hope) but TOTALLY resurrected Kaiba’s dead wife in the process? Like, just by accident he resurrected not just any dead wife’s soul into a playing card but his sworn enemy that Pegasus super tried to murder and destroy that one time? Like damn, that’s some good irony right there.

...it’s a lot to process in a show where like 4 people are also body swapping at the same time.

Anyway, back to this episode, Seto can also read this Ra card. But, I assume he cannot marry it because he and three of the four sides of his Blue Eyes Wife have just changed their status from “It’s complicated” to “It’s still complicated” (the fourth version hanging out with Solomon Muto is still card divorced and living her best life)

Faced with definitive proof that all this is absolutely real, Kaiba never actually graduates from the Denial step to any of the other steps of acceptance.

Neither would I. Neither would I.

Never forget, that him actually accepting any of this makes him a widow to a freakin paper freakin card.

I will say, that my prediction that Kaiba’s relationships, if he ever got into one, wouldn’t last more than 2 minutes apiece came true in the weirdest way possible.

I’m glad we got this lore bomb that will disappear into the Yugioh’s forgotten plot-threads graveyard faster than you can say “and then Bakura put a piece of his soul into the Millennium Puzzle.”

Speaking of,

And so enters our exposition, who decided to actually leave her bedroom and see what else is on this blimp. Took her long enough. If she had come out, I dunno, before Joey dueled, then her brother, Odion would have never been struck by lightning since she could’ve been like “lol guy’s, that’s not Marik” but wtv. Nice to see you, Ishizu. You are late, as usual.

Also, the art team left us a breathtaking still life.

Meanwhile, holed up in this room staring at Mai Valentine for the last 30 minutes on this little aqua cube, Serenity has decided she is done with this BS they keep calling a card game. I guess her vow to be brave and suck it up lasted all of half an hour.

And it was during this complete 12yo meltdown that Ishizu was like “oh, that reminds me, I also have a brother who’s having a complete meltdown” As if this would somehow help Serenity feel any better about being trapped on a blimp with them.

So, Ishizu takes a very long sip of water and starts her very long story about When Marik Truly Went Evil But This Time The Flashback’s For Reals Last Time He Was Kind of Evil But This Time We’re For Serious Telling You Exactly The Moment He Went Cray.

Please admire the nonsense stairs and columns supporting nothing in this image. Nice.

Now before, I knew they lived underground but I kinda figured they left occasionally to get snacks and pick up babies from the side of the road. Apparently it’s only certain people who can do that, so not only has this kid been living underground but he has never seen sunlight.

But here’s my question um--what happened to all the other cultists? Like we’re assuming that we have 5000 years of an underground situation, and if their growth happens geometrically since human beings tend to have multiple children, then there should be like thousands of people down here. Like SO MANY people. Was there some sort of plague? Did all the cultists just keep killing each other as each one went completely mad down here? Like, what’s the story?

I have made so many jokes about Marik being a crafty bastard who knits hats but I kid you not he literally went to the flea market. He has only one hour in the real world and all he wants is to see the Handmade Industry.

Again, Marik would be the hero in any YA dystopian novel, guys. Any of them. Like I’m pretty sure I read three separate books by three separate people in the late 2000′s about underground mole people cults and Marik would have been the hero in every single one of them. Leave it to Yugioh.

Odion decided to stay behind as a lookout rather than go outside in the stinky sunlight, meaning that Marik got to feel a sunburn for the very first time ever as he looked directly into it’s surface.

So I can see the allusion that they wanted to make. That without light you can never see shadow--and that because he literally stepped out into the light, his shadow was finally able to fully manifest itself for the first time.

But...Marik was locked underground, how long could he have realistically lasted before losing his mind just like his Father already has?

And then Marik finds the one relic that truly drives him mad, a discarded magazine. But not that type of magazine. I’m actually not quite sure what type of magazine this would be, TBH. it’s got some REALLY good anime soda on the back, and then pets, and then autos? I don’t know.

This motorcycle had spooky music and everything. Truly the embodiment of evil, a mid-30′s gentleman driving to work with a sensible helmet.

He also saw a TV and confused the hell out of this vase salesman.

And then, no weird episode is truly weird enough without an abrupt visit from Shadi.

So they rush back home to the very obvious cellar door in the middle of the desert that no one except for this cult has ever found.

But, unfortunately, these kids are really, really dumb and so because Shadi told them to go the hell back home, Shadi set in motion the tools needed to send Marik completely off the deep end.

So Shadi is just really really bad at his job or he really wants to watch it burn, I’m thinking probably both.

We get a voice-over from Ishizu that Marik’s father was using the rod on Odion but we don’t actually see much. I think a bunch of this probably got edited out because obviously, abuse is something you can’t really show on kid’s daytime TV, although...they kinda did anyway.

OH.

I mean, he is possessed so like he would act real different but there was absolutely no fighting back on Marik’s part to kill his own Dad. He just straight up went for it. Complete 180 on this character in a matter of time it takes to look at a picture of a motorcycle.

And so, Evil Marik decides it’s time to kill Odion, much like he’s been trying to do in our current timeline, but seeing his older brother snaps Marik out of it, which would have been just real confusing for him. I mean Yugi’s snapped out of his Pharaoh blackouts in strange positions, sure, but this one in particular is like “wow I just killed my Dad.” If he even knows.

Bro was saying he actually didn’t know at this point. Of course my Bro has a lot of spicy Yugioh headcanons and he’s becoming less and less reliable the more we watch. (Bros editorial note: how does one remember what actually happens in this show?)

Why were you even here Shadi!? Just to be judgy and then peace out? Like back in Season Zero it felt like Shadi had a...job. Here he’s just like...watching the show with me. He’s just the most useless millennium item, I swear.

After this sad tale, at least we have Joey to remind us that Marik’s killed 100+ people since then.

So yeah, Marik killed his Dad because he saw a Motorcycle.

Literally killed his Dad because he saw a motorcycle and it awoke a desire in him to leave the nest, and then Odion got beat up because Ishizu was too dumb to ever notice that they had an alarm on the freakin front hole in the ground.

A Motorcycle.

And we can pretty much assume that his Dad’s been threatening to kick out Odion basically forever to get Marik to stay put, right? That this has definately happened before but this time...there was a motorcycle.

Truly evil, motorcycles.

In this show where one guy was literally dueling Yugi while tying him to a bandsaw--those motorcycles though. Pure satan.

Bro just asked me that if Pharaoh’s tomb had free wifi, Would people live there on purpose and I’m just going to leave that there.

Anyway, here’s a link to read these in order from S1 Ep1

#yugioh #yugioh recap #photo recap #s2 ep46 #marik isthar #ishizu isthar #tw abuse #yugi muto #joey wheeler #tristan taylor #seto kaiba #rip seto kaiba's very short and very serious relationship with a paper card #mokuba kaiba #mokuba #serenity wheeler #tea gardner

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fleetwooded · 5 years

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talk about music!!!!!! gimme the whole top ten, then i also want 22, 44, and 88!!

THANK YOU FOR ENABLING ME STEPH!!! this ended up predictably long-winded, so here is the list, and you can click through to read how i feel about all these songs if you want to. if you’re on mobile, and have to scroll through, i’m so sorry.

1. why, fleetwood mac2. from the dining table, harry styles3. home, one direction4. animal, troye sivan5. i’m yours, pixie geldof6. ambitions, donkeyboy7. bring it on home to me, sam cooke8. bad (live), U29. american tune, paul simon10. 1950, king princess

22. everywhere, fleetwood mac44. trouble, lindsey buckingham88. border, years & years

ask me about my favourite music of the year!

1. why, fleetwood mac - this is ZERO PERCENT a surprise, i think i’ve fallen asleep to this song every night for the past three years. it is one of my favourite fleetwood songs even though it’s a real niche one - the final track off mystery to me, which is uhhh not one of their more popular albums. but a) i am very fond of the awkward post-peter green pre-lindsey/stevie albums, b) christine mcvie gets paid DUST by everyone, but she is an incredible songwriter with an incredible voice, and really held the band afloat during that era, and c) this song is so gentle and beautiful and i could never ever get tired of listening to it. i’m obsessed with the extended guitar opening, which keeps you waiting for the piano to kick in for ages and makes you instinctively listen more closely to the guitar throughout the whole song. also the lyric well, my heart will rise up with the morning sun / and the hurt I feel will simply melt away is such a beautiful and clearly expressed sentiment. and when those strings come out from the back of the arrangement just before the last stanza!! ugh i love this song.

2. from the dining table, harry styles - honestly this is only so high up because it is one of the other two songs on my sleep playlist and therefore gets played every day lmao. i will say that this is pretty much the only song of his where the studio version is better than the live version, and therefore the only one i regularly listen to after going to his concert bc i don’t resentfully compare it to the live experience. that harmony on the third maybe someday you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too and the strings in that whole section make the entire song worth it.

3. home, one direction - lol i always say that my favourite 1d song is walking in the wind, but it’s really this one. i was in a very small, l*arry-free corner of the fandom when this came out, so it never had those associations for me, and i just think it’s a very warm and beautiful song and i DO NOT understand why it was not on the album. i also used to listen to it every morning back when i had to walk to work at 4:30am (in the winter! when it was pitch black and i lived in a not-so-great area!), and it was very very comforting to me, so listening to it always sparks that feeling of comfort, like being wrapped up tight in a warm blanket.

4. animal, troye sivan - the last song on my sleep playlist, and one of the best songs off his new album imo. my favourite kind of song is the kind where you can put on big headphones, get on a bus or train, close your eyes, press play, and just have an experience. it’s unquantifiable! everyone’s mileage will vary! you either feel it, or you don’t! but i really really feel it with this one, especially on the second verse. it’s such a stripped back song, but has this rich sonic landscape that just pulls you in if you let it.

5. i’m yours, pixie geldof - ugh, this album was such a huge and exciting discovery for me this year. i had no idea she made music until i heard woman go wild on one of nick grimshaw’s insta stories and looked it up, and then i listened to her album over and over and over again for months and developed a massive, useless celebrity crush on her. it’s a little bit derivative, definitely nothing groundbreaking, but so perfectly matched to my sensibilities and so endlessly listenable. i also find it very satisfying to hear something and instantly know it’s going to be your new favourite thing, and then get to prove yourself right. i usually listen to the album all the way through, so i don’t think about the specific songs too much, but if i had to pick a favourite, it would be this one!

6. ambitions, donkeyboy - i’m pretty sure i found this song because it was referenced in a fic lmao? if that is the case, a million thank yous to whoever wrote that, because i never would have come across it otherwise. it’s a collaboration between a 2000s norwegian synthpop band and a girl whose only other resume builder was finishing in seventh place on norwegian idol. but it is a BOP, and a bop with a strong emotional drive, which is the best kind. the lyric I can't tolerate / the feelings that I feel when I feel is another one i spend the whole song waiting for.

7. bring it on home to me, sam cooke - another song i have been listening to for years and years and never tire of. when my best friend moved out of her parents’ house, she said that the only reason she wanted her own place was so she could sit in her living room and play this song on a turntable. she did play it, often, because she only owned a few records for the longest time, so listening to it always brings me back to curling up on her couch and talking and talking while she made me dinner in her tiny and dark but beautiful home.

8. bad (live), U2 - god i love this song. i think i have talked about it on here before, so i won’t go on and on, but i LOVE this song. tbh i have never actually listened to the album version of this song, and maybe it is just as good, but i really love live albums - when they can capture the spirit and energy and RISK of a live concert, they feel so electric. anything could go wrong at any moment when music is being played live, or it could go SO right, and the artist and crowd could feed off each other’s energy until the whole venue feels alive, and the music could take on a whole new artistic life. idk what exactly it is, but i feel all that potential in this song. it’s eight glorious minutes of that electricity, and every time you think it’s peaked, it just keeps going and reaches new heights. my favourite is the bit where bono just belts out the words desperation, dislocation, separation, condemnation, isolation, desolation, isolation, let it go like a cry out into the universe. i think about it so often. sometimes i also want to just stand in front of a crowd and yell ISOLATION, DESOLATION. i feel that live music can often feel like a purging, or a cleansing, or a transformation - like singing about these feelings of profound misery or pain or anger with a crowd of people who also feel those feelings can reshape them into something joyful and exultant instead.

9. american tune, paul simon - damn, this really was a melancholic year!! this is another of my go-to comfort songs when i am feeling those lost feelings. i listened to it a lot in the winter, and again this fall, and related a little too much to the bits about being so far away from home. it’s got this sense of deep weariness in its lyrics and structure that i like listening to when i am very tired and want to commiserate. the drums leading up to the and I dreamed I was dying are my favourite musical moment, but my favourite lyric is the ending, with: tomorrow's going to be another working day / and I'm trying to get some rest / that's all I'm trying to get some rest.

10. 1950, king princess - honestly, introducing me and the world to king princess is the best thing harry did all year. first of all, it’s truly remarkable how much cultural power he has - not that this song wouldn’t have been successful without him, but literally every write-up and interview mentions him tweeting the lyrics as a mark of approval that propelled her into the public eye. it’s also just an incredibly well crafted song, and i’m endlessly impressed by her talent. to write and perform a song like this at her age is no small feat, and i’m very glad she’s ended up getting the attention she has. i got to see her live this summer with my sister and a few of our friends, and she was every bit as commanding and magnetic as i would have imagined.

22. everywhere, fleetwood mac - another all time favourite!! at my work this summer, my boss was a very cool woman who played in a very cool all-female punk band. we got along tremendously, except for that she had NO patience for me constantly playing what she referred to as “mom rock.” this one is the only fleetwood mac song she liked, so i would just play it over and over and we would delight in that shimmery little intro. when i was closing, i would put it on just as the sun went down enough to shine right through the big windows at the front of the store, and it feels good to know that i am going to listen to it years from now and remember that summer and that sun.

44. trouble, lindsey buckingham - my fave song of his, except maybe never going back again. i really like this whole album, but this song is another one i just want to burrow inside because it feels so rich and dense. i feel like i have nothing to say about him that hasn’t already been said - he’s a massively underrated guitarist, and a great songwriter, and i just love listening to him play.

88. border, years & years - a fantastic song off a fantastic album. i’m ngl i was a little disappointed by their sophomore album, so i just kept listening to this one. also brings me back to great memories of seeing them live and the catharsis of yelling my heart, it will start to shine / and I will be alright with a whole crowd of people. live music is magic!!

if anyone made it here, thank you for reading. i love year-in-reviews. it feels good to take stock of a year and try to put all the little moments and periods of time in order and make some sense out of them. i also love music, and it feels good to sit down and listen to my most listened to songs with new ears and try to remember or figure out why i listened to them so often. it’s been a long, hard, tumultuous year, but my relationship with music has really flourished, and stuff like this feels like nurturing that love.

#if anyone went and read all that: you are such a trouper thank you so much #1000-directions

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amandabe11man · 5 years

Note

1-30

(gonna answer everything except 15, 17 and 25 since i already did those)--

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?:they would read this book called “välkomna och please come in”, in which the author talks about what makes us swedes reject our own language in favor of english, because that’s something that’s only recently started bugging me (the glorification of the english language, that is)

they would watch- idk, “midsomer murders” or anime, lol

they would listen to R A M M S T E I N, BABY

have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?:birgit häggkvist aka. the author of the book mentioned above

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with:BUT THERE ARE MANY.... i’ll try a little list anyway;

”death machine”, in which i don’t really identify with anyone, but my favorite character would be scott ridley (yes, that’s his name)

pokemon, where there are just too many characters to pick from (not all of them very deep), but i suppose i can kinda -IN A WAY- relate to lysandre’s frustration with the human race, lol (the pokemon are innocent though wtf man)also ghetsis is my fave, fight me

“attack on titan”, where i GUESS i identify with armin, or at least his recent (what others think of as naive but come on) thoughts about not having to fight to bring about peace. sure it’s idealistic, but why would fighting be the more sensible option? smh

“hell on wheels”, where i sorta relate to the swede (big shocker), at least before he lost his mind completely somewhere in season 2 (hint: y’all should watch it if you want to avoid me writing a whole essay)

that’s pm the ones i can think of atm

do you like your name? is there another name you think would fit you better?:i USED to hate my name and either removed the letter in the beginning and called myself Manda, or wished to be named something i thought to be more “masculine”; apparently Florence was one such name in my head, lol. i like my name now though

do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?:2deep4me (for real though i guess-- a human doing??? i would prefer not to be part of this wretched species but what can u do)

are you religious/spiritual?:not religious in the true sense of the word, but i’d like to believe there’s a god or a meaning to everything. i’m open to it. i’m way more spiritual, though

do you care about your ethnicity?:nope

what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?:rammstein, alice cooper-- guys like that, u kno?

are you an artist?:i mean i’d LIKE TO BE. sometimes i feel inadequate though, for whatever reason

do you have a creed?:you mean like a confession? yeah, a few... nothing i like to mention to others though

describe your ideal day:i wake up, have a nice breakfast, hang out with my family and friends, hang out with my rabbit(s), do something creative, meet my crush-- simple stuff

dog person or cat person?:dog person. cat’s are alright, but they’re also kinda way too brash for my liking

inside or outdoors?:both

are you a musician?:not really. i used to play the recorder, and i do try to learn stuff on guitar and piano sometimes (and also the harmonica now), but it’s just for fun

if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?:not necessarily... luckily, i had, and continue to have, a great home environmentwhat’s your patronus?:according to Pottermore, it’s a badger!which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?:AGAIN, according to Pottermore-- it’s hufflepuff...(holy shit though that’s a weird coincidence that my patronus is a badger and hufflepuff’s signature animal is a badger)would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?:either hogwarts or middle earth, i can’t decidedo you love easily?:yeah, i’d say. i don’t easily love things romantically, thoughlist the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order:-surfing the web-feed my animals and spend time with them-rp-ing-overthink things-get drawing ideas that take me forever to actually draw, lmaohow often would you want to see your family every year?:daily, cause i’m one of those apparently rare people, i guesshave you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?:not that i can think of...how would you describe your gender/sexuality?:nothing fancy. i’m content with who i am (something i never thought i’d say just years ago tbh). sometimes i feel i would like to be a man though, but just for the Aesthetics™ or whatever. speaking of men; i am straightdo you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?:i suppose? though on the inside, i’m taller than this meager height i’ve got, lolon a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?:pretty hard, i’d say. around 6 or 7 maybethree songs that you connect with right now:“trouble in the streets” - BC unidos“my shit’s fucked up” - warren zevon“catcher in the rye” - grantpick one of your favorite quotes:“someone who doesn’t love animals, doesn’t love humans” - some croatian guy in a documentary i saw yesterday

#thank yOU TOO for the ask #if i sound pretentious i don't mean to be omfg #sein-zum-tod

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orionsangel86 · 6 years

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13x18 - Episode Review - *Deep breath now*

Lets just say this ones been difficult. Bucklemming aren’t exactly the deep meta types and any message they put across tends to be about a subtle as a brick to the face so I don’t particularly think there is much to really dig into here. But others may disagree. The episode hit the marks and themes which were most likely laid out by the Showrunner for season specific reasons, but other than that it can go on the trash heap for all I care.

*breaths*

I’m gonna focus on the positives, because there were a few that I want to discuss, from an objective, meta view point, though from an emotional viewpoint I have been raging about this festering piece of shit episode all weekend.

Anyway, positives, positives...

Dean and Ketch and the AU world

Of the three stories being told simultaneously, this was the only one that actually held my interest. Probably because Jensen Ackles and David Hayden Jones have great chemistry and know how to captivate their audience.

I think it is extremely clear now that Ketch is going to get a redemption arc. He carries guilt over what he did for Mary when he always did have feelings for her even if he never admitted them and she would never return them. I think that was made clear in season 12 and now in this episode it seems pretty obvious this is where we are headed:

“And your mother. She’s in danger. I owe her that.”

Mary is the reason Ketch wants to help, to “wash the blood off his hands” I can see him sacrificing himself to save Mary in the end, thus getting his redemption in death (the only way he should be allowed redemption tbh)

Am I happy about that? Not at all. I still feel Ketch’s return was unnecessary, especially when I now don’t think we will be getting Eileen back. After what Ketch did to Eileen I don’t personally think he SHOULD get redemption, and he should have remained dead after 12x22.

However Ketch is currently being presented as a mirror for both Dean and Cas. He has been a Dean mirror throughout his entire series run, representing Dean’s toxic masculine side and his killer instinct – the monster Dean feels resides inside him. In the past two episodes he has also mirrored Cas with his need to redeem himself to someone he loves (very season 6/7 Castiel) and his insistence at staying behind in the mirror purgatory to do his penance. The healing scene brought this to light quite clearly imo, with Ketch taking the time to take care of Dean even when he tried to brush it off. Ketch was also quite good at being able to read Dean – knowing that there was more to the Charlie thing than Dean let on, but still not actually making the correct assumption.

Ketch assumed that Charlie was a romantic connection, when she was a sisterly connection. The wrong assumptions between romantic and platonic love have been plaguing Dean and Cas for years at this point. I thought it was interesting that this was commented on in the text in this episode – like I said, it’s not like Bucklemming know how to do subtlety.

Moving on to Charlie’s return, I am also on the fence about how I feel about this, but pushing my emotions aside I can see why she was brought back in the AU world. This world is the polar opposite of our world, and without Dean and Sam, all those people who died because of them, survive in the AU. So like Kevin and Bobby, it makes sense that Charlie lives over there.

At first I was angry about Bucklemming somehow trying to redeem themselves to fandom by bringing back Charlie, but after applying some more sensible, less emotional thought to the matter, and speaking extensively with friends about it, I realise this is not the case. I am vaguely aware there has been wank about this point. First off, lets make this clear; Bucklemming don’t give a fuck about fandom and wouldn’t even bother trying to redeem themselves over something that they still celebrate themselves for doing in the first place (Charlie’s death in their own opinion was still a good choice and they still pat themselves on the back for it – fucking assholes that they are). Bringing an AU Charlie into the picture is nothing to do with fan service or trying to win favour with those of us who despise them. They don’t give a fuck. Bringing AU Charlie back was purely because it makes sense in an AU world that works in opposite to this world. It was also for Dean’s development, because whilst Bucklemming don’t appear to give a fuck about Sam or Cas and their story arcs, they do take an interest in Dean’s. Dean is the only character they actually understand and the only character (other than Lucifer) who they seem to like writing for. By introducing an AU Charlie, and having Dean face that Charlie, it will help Dean to let go of some of his guilt over her death. I say this specifically because of this:

DEAN: “I don’t wanna lose you again”

CHARLIE: “that’s not your call”

Dean tried to bring Charlie back with him to keep her safe, but Charlie chose to stay in danger. Just like original Charlie chose to face danger to help Dean back in season 10. It was never Dean’s fault that Charlie died (it was stupid writing) It was Charlies own decision to put her life at risk, hopefully this Charlie can teach Dean a lesson about holding on to guilt and blaming himself and carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

This line was also very relevant for Dean in regards to Cas, who Dean has been trying to protect ever since he got him back in 13x05. Dean may have been able to say those words to Charlie, but he has so far been unable to say them to Cas. Yet another example of communication that needs to be had between the two of them. WILL YOU BOYS PLEASE ADDRESS THAT FUCKING ELEPHANT ALREADY BECAUSE ITS MAKING A MESS AND NO ONE IS CLEANING IT UP.

This is why the confusion over what Charlie was to Dean was also so interesting. Because so much of what was said about her is so relevant to Dean and Cas now.

KETCH: “Old girlfriend? Let me guess, she broke your heart”

...

CHARLIE: “And you were friends with her, me? Her.”

DEAN: “Yes very.”

CHARLIE: “How very?”

DEAN: “She was into chicks.”

CHARLIE: “Oh, I like her.”

Both Ketch and Charlie herself make the wrong assumption about Dean’s relationship with her. Dean has to clarify to both of them. Just like he needs to clarify to Cas and USE HIS WORDS.

The one final point I want to make about the AU world is in relation to the “Commander”. I have seen the awesome speculation post by @charlie-minion and I want it to be right. I would love an AU!Cas to appear as I think it would be extremely interesting for Cas’s own development arc, and for Dean’s. I certainly found it interesting that we weren’t given a name, and also thought this angel was far more captivating and memorable than any other random angel we have met in the AU so far. Even Zachariah didn’t really get this much screen time. I hope we see him again anyway, and I hope Charlie’s spec is correct.

Sam and Gabriel – I need you = I need your help

Sam’s speech was honestly one of the highlights of the episode, until Bucklemming ruined it by going back to the fucking porn stars point, but regardless, it was a beautiful moment for Sam, and I did enjoy it:

“Gabriel, you have to dig yourself out of this hole. I know you think it’s safer inside. No more torture, no more pain, no more expectations. I’ve been there. You are nothing like your family, you sure as hell weren’t like your dad, me either. And just like you I got out, or I thought I got out. But then, then my family needed me, and this is my life. No matter how many times I try to fight it, this is what I was put here to do. This is where I make the world a better place, and sure yeah hookers and Monte Carlo sounds great, but your family needs you, Jack your nephew needs you, the world needs you, we need you. Gabriel I need you. So please, help us.”

There is a lot to dig through here, because this is Sam admitting that he has accepted the life he leads. That no matter how many times he tries to escape, he has a duty to the world and to do what’s right. It is somewhat sad to be honest, because unlike Dean I don’t think Sam actually enjoys the job, the hunt, or any of it. But Sam has resigned himself that this is his duty. It does make me wonder about Sam’s endgame to be honest, because it wasn’t a particularly positive speech from Sam’s own point of view. He is much more like Cas in this respect that he sees this as an obligation, as his duty, rather than something that brings him any joy. Both Sam and Cas are similar in that they need to find something else to bring them joy in the life. Dean does get some form of joy out of the hunt and of saving people. Though even he is desperately seeking something more – as many moments over the past few years have shown.

Obviously everyone freaked out about the use of the words “we need you, I need you” but the situation was so extremely different I just cannot correlate the two scenes. Everything about the original Dean/Cas scene was romantically coded. Everything. But nothing about this scene really was. Sam is desperate, he is relying on Gabriel to save them, to help them. He wants to put his faith in Gabriel and you can see the tears in his eyes when he admits this, but Sam’s speech was all about getting Gabriel to help him and the world, whereas the original Dean/Cas speech was all about Dean trying to save Cas. There is a huge difference there, and I cannot see past it. So as much as I am happy for Sabriel shippers who have finally been given some canon to work with after all these years, from a meta perspective, there is nothing romantic about it.

In fact it only reasserts the continued themes of communication problems between Dean and Cas. Sam uses the word “need” correctly here. He uses it because he does desperately need Gabriel to help them. But when Dean used that word originally to save Cas, just like he used it again in 13x14 “we needed you back” he used it wrong. Dean doesn’t need Cas to help them in whatever world ending situation they have got themselves into, he simply wants Cas by his side, to love, and be loved as who Cas is, regardless of whether Cas is actually useful in the fight or not. The difference between needing a powerful ally (Gabriel) and wanting the love of your life alive and by your side (Castiel).

Other positives from the episode

Anael breaking free from her abuser and basically telling him to fuck off. You go girl.

Ketch once again referring to Cas as “your angel” because like everyone else, Ketch knows there is something more between Dean and Cas.

Asmodeus going up in flames – Kentucky fried style – yes we all got the joke. Ha. Ha.

Charlie is strongly hinted at also being a lesbian in the AU and well, she bloody better be.

The final scene and seeing the sheer emotion on Sam and Cas’s faces as they watch Dean break down. When does Dean ever really let them see him lose hope like that? It was a difficult scene to watch sure, but it made an impact. I like it that it was Cas that tried to reassure Dean that they would find Gabriel, rather than Sam. Sam regresses to the little brother at that moment. Full of guilt and worry. But Cas does attempt to stand strong and reassure and console Dean. Cas has been framed as Dean’s spouse throughout this entire season, and I thought this end scene was yet another example of that.

Onto the Negatives...

Okay so yeah I couldn’t just keep my mouth shut on these points. But they are going under a cut because I get proper ranty down there. You’ve been warned. Please don’t read any further if you are only gonna get offended and annoyed and come into my ask box to bitch. Sometimes we need to vent about stuff that pisses us off. I suggest you only read further if you are also feeling royally fucked over by these incompetent asshole writers and want to therapeutically live through my rage. If so... enjoy...

First lets talk about Gabriel. Because I’m pissed. I’m SO PISSED about him. I never really gave my opinion on him being brought back after the reveal at the end of 13x13, because I didn’t want to appear too negative at the time and I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt regarding his character. I also really hoped that Perez would tackle Gabriel’s backstory last episode instead of leaving it to Bucklemming. Unfortunately that was not the case and like I suspected from the moment we got Gabe back, they butchered him.

So I’m pissed. We can all officially say sayonara to Fanon Gabriel because he is dead, and isn’t coming back, and Canon Gabriel just had his original redemption arc robbed from him.

I actually found it really awful that they even threw that line into the episode “thanks for the redemption arc” Gabe says at the end… because it proves to me that Bucklemming were totally aware that they were destroying Gabe’s original redemption arc by writing his bullshit backstory. So yeah, I’m pissed.

Gabe tricked Lucifer with yet another double, and was “free” to go and spend his time with porn stars. Lovely. He then gets captured by regular boring demons. Like how? And taken to the weakest of the princes of hell to be his milk cow. Again HOW? One of the only reasons I liked Gabriel to begin with was because whilst he was always ambiguous and a tormentor for Sam and Dean, he always had his own moral compass. He punished people who were dicks basically. Assholes who got their comeuppance in horrifically ironic ways. He ran away from his family because he couldn’t stand the fighting, and he chose to side with the Winchesters in the end because he knew it was the right thing to do. The whole point of Gabe standing up to Lucifer was because he admitted back then that he didn’t want to see the world destroyed, that he liked humanity and found enjoyment in it, and that Lucifer and Michael would destroy that. So this new information about him running away and leaving it all up to Sam and Dean makes NO SENSE. He had chosen to stand by them, put his money on them, and then left. His original redemption is now worth nothing. It is no longer redemption. It instead proves him to be a selfish pervert, and nothing more.

The fact that he was then captured by fucking demons and caged by the most incompetent irrelevant demon of all is another massive insult to his character and his power. It again makes no sense that regular demons could even figure out he was still alive where Lucifer and all of heaven couldn’t, and actually have the strength to capture him in the first place.

Then there is the porn thing. Which I think was a gross, irrelevant, unnecessary joke that failed to hit the mark every time it was mentioned. Having him write it on the walls as part of his story when he was clearly traumatised and catatonic wasn’t funny. It was absurd and made me cringe. Someone please explain to me why bucklemming are so obsessed with porn and sex. PLEASE. Do they actually think these jokes are funny? Are they trying to glorify the porn industry? Or do they just like the idea of an archangel being obsessed with human pornography and porn stars? What is this shows fascination with fucking porn stars?! Jesus Christ stop fucking glorifying the sex industry. It has NEVER been funny. NEVER. FFS Bucklemming if you are that obsessed with the fucking porn industry why don’t you quit SPN and go WRITE for the PORN INDUSTRY. Your outdated stupid and nonsensical writing style would probably be suited to pornography. You can write all the ridiculous stories about Lucifer having dubiously consensual sex with sexy female “angels” as much as possible then. You’ll probably have more free reign to add in your own brand of horrific racism in porn as well in that case because god knows you love the busty Asian beauties bullshit.

So now Gabriel is a disgusting, porn obsessed fuckboy who chose surrounding himself with human sex workers over helping to stop the apocalypse. And then completely ruined Sam’s speech by once again reiterating that point as if the fact that they were PORN STARS SAMUEL was enough of a reason for his running away. Whilst Sam was practically in tears. You ruined that moment. No. I’m sorry. I don’t care if you managed to get all access to the fucking playboy mansion, its crude, its gross and it’s demeaning to women. It’s outdated and shouldn’t be a plot point in a show in 2018. This isn’t “Two and a Half Men” and you are not Charlie Sheen. Who was also disgustingly gross and I was glad when that series got rid of him. I mean, is this the kind of character that Bucklemming think their audience is going to celebrate? Applaud? Urgh. Fuck right off with that. Seriously.

So yeah, sure, Gabriel will probably have a change of heart given the synopsis for later episodes, but that is irrelevant now, Bucklemming have fucked over his character. Just like I thought they would. Seriously I wish they would just fuck off and retire already because I am so done with their outdated crappy disgusting story lines.

As for other completely pointless and irrelevant characters, Asmodeus was burned by his own creators. I guess Bucklemming finally realised that they were shit at creating characters who could be even remotely three dimensional and decided he wasn’t necessary for the story. His death has only proven to me what I thought all along: that he was pointless. That he had no significance to the story, no depth, no motivations, nothing. He was one gigantic joke. I’m glad he is dead. Good riddance. You will be forgotten in a matter of weeks.

Next up Lucifer. I have nothing to say about him. Other than that I found every scene he was in cringeworthy beyond belief. To the point that I feel ashamed when watching his scenes because of the terrible poor quality of acting and writing together makes me so embarrassed to call this show my fave. The exorcism had me dying of second hand embarrassment. Are the supernatural creators PROUD of shit like this? It was goddamn awful. The worst piece of crappy filmmaking I have seen in a while. Every scene with Lucifer is like this for me usually though so I shouldn’t be surprised. I want him killed off and done with now. He brings down the quality of the show to abysmal levels. It’ll never win any awards whilst he still exists in its narrative. I have nothing to meta about him. I can’t separate my meta brain from my hatred of everything he is, and everything Bucklemming have made him to be. I just want the show to be done with him – like I want it to be done with his horrifically terrible writers who wouldn’t recognise decent writing if Shakespeare himself rose from the grave and beat them both around the head with his entire catalogue of sonnets and plays.

Overall, it makes my heart ache when I think of episodes like 13x01 and 13x05, which were spectacular examples of the highest quality writing, direction, and overall production I have seen in a while. If ever I was to choose an episode of this show to introduce it to someone who hasn’t seen it before, I would choose either of those episodes. What amazes me is that those episodes exist in the same season as utter shit like this episode, and 13x13. Perhaps I am being harsh, as the Dean/Ketch/AU stuff in this episode on its own worked well. So perhaps it wasn’t so bad, but seeing as everything else brought it down so badly, I just can’t separate them out. I still struggle to wonder why Bucklemming even bothered to have Cas in this episode at all. He was severely underutilised.

I’m just… so done with Bucklemming episodes. I am so done having to sit through their bullshit and try to force myself to find meaning and anything of analytical worth. Yes, I was able to find some positives, yes, I was able to find some stuff to talk about, but it was a struggle. Half the time I wonder if any of that stuff was even intended, and if it was I reckon it’s only because Dabb had to sit there with their shitty script and fix it as much as possible because I know by now that whenever they write anything of any worth, it must be due to someone elses input. I can’t equate the writers who wrote this utter bullshit about Lucifer and Gabriel with the same writers who wrote Dean’s confession in 10x16, or 11x18, or even the Dean/Ketch/Charlie stuff in THIS episode. How can you be so awful and yet still have stuff like this? You must be getting help.

I’m so sorry to those of you reading who disagree with my above assessments - though to be honest I did warn you. I have re-watched the episode a few times now but each time my rage just boils up again. If Dabb doesn’t start putting a tighter leash on these atrocious writers, then this series will fail in quality. It already has to be honest. I don’t see how we can deal with Bucklemming writing the penultimate episode. Knowing that the fucktards who penned this episode are also basically showrunning the mytharc plot is heartbreaking. I adore this show, but if Bucklemming continue to have control, I’ll be tapping out. Destiel or no Destiel. I can’t watch crappy quality. I certainly can’t watch crapy quality destroy something I adore from the inside out. But that is all I see them doing.

*sigh*

I’m sorry. I hope that Yokey’s episode next week will redeem Supernatural for me. I hope that we will start to get back into the destiel subplot, because tbh I have felt like it has been severely lacking since 13x06, with only a minor reprisal in 13x14. I hope that we will actually get some focus on Castiel again, because I feel like his story has been lost along the way, and right now it seems he isn’t doing anything. We need to explore his own development arc again but I just can’t see it. I can’t see it at all at the moment. I want him to exist for more than just Dean’s freaking guilt and worry. I had such high hopes going into this season, but the further we get into, the more I lose faith and see the mytharc plot like a slowly loosening thread. Dabb needs to pull it all back together, because the longer Bucklemming keep their grubby porn obsessed hands on it, the more it will fall apart.

I guess we’ll find out soon enough if all our focus and devotion has actually been worth it.

#episode review #spn meta #13x18 #spn spoilers #season 13 #my meta #destiel #spn speculation #fuck you bucklemming #wank for ts #negativity for ts #my opinions #don't read under the cut unless you are prepared for ALOT of negativity

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ephemerational · 4 years

Text

Inertia (I)

At this point, I fear that the fever is never gonna go away, that I will spend the, likely relatively short, rest of my existence in this bed, unable to move a muscle, burning and freezing at the same time and that I am in fact currently in the process of dying.

This thought, that my life is, like that of all creatures, finite, not in some weird, vague, metaphysical sense, but actually finite in the sense that it is tonally, definitely gonna end and that there is nothing I could reasonably do to make that not be the case, had, up to this very moment, never occurred to me, and I hope that it will never occur to me again, as it scares the living shit out of me, now that I am thinking about it.

A problem presents itself: Not thinking about the thing you are currently experiencing, when there is literally nothing you are physically capable of doing aside from thinking, is really fucking difficult, if not impossible. At least for the industrial-scale-toxic-chemical-waste-dump I spent the last couple of hours turning my brain into for some retarded reason. It might have been yesterday, actually. It may very well have been a damn week ago. The ceiling of my room, the thing I am involuntarily staring at, unable to turn my head, is illuminated by the bright, natural light of noon, the same as when I lay down here, though I doubt I would remember, had there been a night or more in between. My brain is shit and so am I. A little bit of divine punishment, I would understand, but this torturous bullcrap is cruel and unusual by any metric, downright fucking unethical. I guess don’t take five Adderall when you’re blackout drunk, kids. Who would have known that was on god’s list of things you shouldn’t do if you don’t want to be banished to hell on fucking earth.

Come to think of it, those tablets must have been four years old, at the very least. Does medicine expire? Fuck, I’m pretty sure medicine expires, and not in the “we want to sell you more shit”-way, but the really fucking dangerous, in fact actually lethal way. There it is again, the fear of death. I was doing so well. Fuck. Maybe I can get up, just out of the bed, just collapse on the floor so they won’t think I’m sleeping, so they’ll call an ambulance. Get up. Get up. Get up! GET UP! JUST PLEASE GET THE FUCK UP!!

My torso jolts upright, and I suck in two lungs full of oxygen, realizing that breathing was apparently something I hadn’t been doing for a short while.

The guy on the other side of the room looks up from his laptop, obviously startled by my sudden return to the realm of the living.

“Don’t you have a job interview?”

“Don’t you care that I almost kicked the fucking bucket just now?”

“I didn’t even notice that you were in the room, dude. Don’t tell me you’re doing heroin or something”

“God no, I just tried to sober up for the interview. What time is it?”

“Like an hour too late, sorry. Actually, I’m not, this is totally your fault. You knew it was today and getting sloshed in the a.m. is a pretty stupid thing to do just in general, like even by your standards.”

“Oh, spare me the lecture, or I’ll tell dad that this isn’t working”

“Okay, okay, understood. I’ll take a walk, see you later.”

Lloyd thankfully did a passable job at reading the mood and fucked off on one of his weird three to four hour walks (like who does that?). Maybe he’s stalking someone, seems like a thing he’d be into. Off-kilter fucking guy, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised.

At least he’s quiet, I don’t mind having him live in my room. He’s out of the house long enough for me to do things I don’t want him in the room for and when he’s here I can bounce thoughts off him. Maybe he cleans sometimes. I’m not sure.

Doesn’t matter. Getting something to eat has priority. The Horrortrip only lasted three hours, rather than a few days but I’m starving anyway. Kind of a shame actually, would have been a cool anecdote. Mind altering drugs, am I right? Bought that shit four years ago from a friend (Max or Marc or something) to cram for finals. Should probably throw it in the trash, so I won’t get any dumb ideas in an intoxicated state, which is a lot of the time, let’s face it.

Ah Fuck. Dad’s sitting in kitchen, indulging in some delicious looking shit. Can’t let him see me, not being at the interview he set up and all. Stealthy retreat.

There’s probably some foodstuff stashed in Lo’s room. I knock. The only thing that can’t be found in my brother’s room is Lo himself. 90% of the time he’s not here and the other 10% he brings so many people that he’s impossible to spot him. For someone I have spent my entire life with he sure is absolutely fucking incomprehensible. How did he manage to grow up alright? Like an actual functional human being? Didn’t we have the same parents and shit? Fuck this! The Wardrobe opens with far less creaking than one would assume from the looks of it and below the neatly organized shirts there is a similarly neat row of wine bottles and a tower of various salty snacks, far too perfectly compact to have been built by someone who hasn’t managed to beat me in Tetris once. I rip open a bag and start stuffing ham flavored chips into my mouth. I don’t think I’m a wine guy, never really gotten into it, but it’s been a while since the last time I had some, and this seems like the kind of day to get into something, especially when it’s the only easily accessible fluid to wash down the disgusting taste of oil and fake bullshit artificial meat flavor. I take a swig. It’s sour and clings to the tongue, better than I remember wine to taste like, but objectively worse than beer or hard liquor. My hands tear another bag open as though on autopilot, peanut puffs this time.

The cycle repeats with the wine getting better the more I pour down the garbage chute that is my throat. The party food gets worse, but not bad enough to stop eating it. I won’t stop until it’s gone. That became the plan like a bag ago, not that I’m still hungry, I feel sick actually, but at this point it’s easier to just keep going. I could just eat everything, all that even slightly exists, rip it apart, dismantle it on an atomic level and wolf it down, devour it like a fucking hound. Like the biggest of dogs. The biggest possible dog. A thought pops into my head: how big would the biggest possible dog even be? Like, bigger than the biggest currently existing dog definitely. That would be incredibly unlikely: to have hit the maximum by accident. Things can only get a certain size, something about cubes and mass and shit. That’s where the research money should go, breed them until we have the largest physically possible doggo, so we could ride them, replace cars with a bunch of insanely good boys. Do they die once their size exceeds a certain point? That would make the whole pursuit kind of unethical and animal rights activist attack prone. Might not even apply to dogs, they aren’t particularly squarey after all. Maybe it’s a definitional thing: That dogs could be infinitely large, but at some point it would stop being sensible to call them dogs. If there was a galaxy sized dog shaped thing, I don’t think I’d call it a dog. It has transcended doghood and so have I. Tremble before my might for I have consumed everything. Close to everything. Four bottles and seven bags deep. It’s over. There are still ten-something wines left, but not knowing how much they cost, it seems risky to drink more. Instead lying down and trying not to throw up appears to be the responsible course of action.

“The fuck did you do?”

The ghostly pale, cloaked figure of a boy, wrapped in a blanket and not wearing anything else by the looks of it, stands over me. The tone of his voice indicating sincere curiosity.

“Almost killed myself, missed a thing and plundered the good one's apocalypse stash, all the while hiding from the authorities. They call me the chips-bandit. You?”

“Pretty much the same tbh… Anything left?”

“Wine, the rest was mercilessly devoured by the ruthless criminal I have become.”

“Argh, shit.”

“Why?”

“I’m kind of starving and the ancient one is guarding the kitchen”

“Yeah, I know. Skipping school?”

“Do you even have to ask?”

The less estranged of my two brothers scratches his neck, a nervous habit of his, that got so out of hand sometimes, that it, in combination with his general appearance, made him seem like a crack addict going through withdrawal.

“I got a commission yesterday. Some rich Swedish kid offering me 300 for a pic of his OC engaging in not-all-that-safe-for-work kinds of activities. Please don’t ask what exactly. So there really wasn’t time for compulsory education.”

“Sick dude! You might actually make it if you keep going like this”

“Don’t really have a choice. If this can’t keep me alive by graduation I’ll just fucking off myself. I’ll accept failure like a man, become a modern samurai by first becoming like fucking human yakitori.”

It baffles me that Jerald even managed to go to school on most days, being cripplingly scared of practically everything outside his room and more neurotic than should even be possible. Dude’s a fucking train wreck. If his art wasn’t able to support his continued existence, he would either have to find a normal job, or explain to dad why he can’t, both of which, he had decided two years ago are fates far worse than death could possibly be. Mom had remarked on a few occasions that he drew like his life depended on it, blissfully unaware of the fact that it genuinely kind of did.

“Could you like leave out the references when you say dark shit like that? Stylistic clash gives me the howling fantods.”

“And when was the last time you did that?”

“Act as I say, not as I do.”

The sound of the front door opening interrupts our conversation.

“Dad leaving or Lo returning?”

No one ever heard Lloyd coming or going, so that wasn’t even worth considering. Also supported my stalker theory.

“Latter’s unlikely, seeing how the sun’s still up”

“Sure, but do you really wanna risk it?”

“We could “risk it”… Or we could not be complete idiots and look out the window.”

Jerald decides to go with my cunning plan, stealing a look at, what was, judging by his response, the ancient one.

“Today my friends, we feast.”

“I don’t think I’m ready to get up and embark on any kind of arduous journey to the bountiful land of real, non-terrible food.”

“Your loss, dude.”

With that he leaves, and I once again lie alone on my brother’s carpet, covered in chips dust. Taking a good hard look at the circumstances that led me here and the backside of my eyelids. I fall asleep.

0 notes

professor-abeloved · 7 years

Note

About the JakeXMC 50 OTP Things, can u do all of them? Well, that is, if u don't mind.... 😊

50 OTP THINGS

ty anon for ur mc/jake thirst patience :> as well as the fact ur helping me sate MY mc/jake thirst HAHAHA

using my mc eli de loyola!

1. Who is the early bird/ Who is the night owl?

eli’s the early birdie while jake is the night owl ! most days eli will wake up at 7 am (wtf) and slightly rouses jake who clings to him as much as possible. eli spends a few minutes carding his hands through jake’s hair (partly because it soothes jake and partly because he has a thing for running his fingers through jake’s hair) before actually getting up

2. Who is the big spoon/ Who is the little spoon?

jake’s the big spoon! despite being shorter HAHA its so cute

3. Who hogs the cover/ Who loves to cuddle?

jake both hogs the covers and loves to cuddle HAHA survival instincts kasi. eli doesnt mind bc he feels warm in jake’s arms anyway

4. Who wakes the other one up with kisses?

eli does! jake loves it… altho he’s been a lil wary every since he once woke up to eli’s dog licking his face instead aekjfsdajl he was so embarrassed

5. Who usually has nightmares?

jake used to having nightmares about his time in the army + about mike p frequently but at this point he says he’s learnt to deal with them :( having eli nearby to calm him down helps a lot. plus i like to think that lundrugen (?? whatever he’s irrelevant) +co go to jail and this helps jake sleep better…

eli on the other hand dissociates a lot after the events of la huerta and frequently has nightmares of his friends dying. jake stays up and helps him call everyone one by one to make sure they’re all okay

6. Who would have really deep emotional thoughts at the middle of the night/ Who would have them in the middle of the day?

jake has them during the night, eli during the day

7. Who sweats the small stuff?

jake secretly does & eli thinks it’s cute

8. Who sleeps in their underwear (or naked)/ Who sleeps in their pajamas?

tbh jake would totes sleep in his birthday suit (which is why he hogs the blankets bc he’s the type to feel v hot at first only to freeze later on) and eli sleeps in pajamas. altho eli makes jake wear pants when they sleep in the same bed

(jake argues that he’s “going to end up losing those pants anyway so whats the point”

and eli lightly shoves his smirking face away like “binch no i for one plan to get some sleep tonight”

“that wont be the only thing ur getting ;)”

“jaCOB LUCAS CAN U NOT I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW”)

9. Who makes the coffee (or tea)?

eli makes tea for jake who initially didn’t like it but found that it calms him down (especially after nightmares)

10. Who likes sweet/ Who likes sour?

eli likes it sweet while jake likes sour more lol

11. Who likes horror movies/ Who likes romance movies?

eh i dont think they like horror movies OR romance though jake’s a fan of action movies & eli likes superheroes so they compromise on that. maybe somedays they curl up on the hammock and watch a romance movie bc they’re too lazy to get the remote. jake makes fun of it only to feel emotional at the end when the love interest dies lol

12. Who is smol/ Who is tol?

jakey’s smol, eli’s tol hehe

13. Who is considered the scaredy cat?

neither? jake reacts to the situations accordingly and is almost never shookt while eli is generally sensible and level-headed

14. Who kills the spiders?

eli stomps on it / hits it with his prosthetic HAHA

15. Who is scared of the dark?

neither.

16. Who is scared of thunderstorms?

neither. eli has a weird fondness for them bc they remind him of the time jake saved them from the weird lightning storm in chapter 1 hehe

17. Who works/ Who stays at home?

i hc that they both work after the events of la huerta

18. Who is a cat person/ Who is a dog person?

eli’s a dog person while jake is a wolf person (LOL) and they do get a dog at one point

19. Who loves to call the other one cute names?

uh idk if it’s cute per se but jake calls eli “boy scout”, “darling”, “babe” and stuff like that while eli calls him… “hotness”. that’s the best he’s got really.

20. Who is dominant/ Who is submissive?

ahsdjsak it’s a big thing for them to fight for dominance but more often than not jake ends up on top

21. Who has an obsession (over anything)?

eli has an obssessing with collecting (like collecting clues and idols HAHA) trinkets

22. Who goes all out for Valentine’s Day?

eli would!! jake would be touched by all the effort awww

23. Who asks who out on the first date?

from eli’s perspective he’s the one who asked jake out on a normal date in a coffeeshop while jake thinks he made the first move by asking eli to ride with him on a plane (loaned by rourke industries where aleister is the boss now and just let me live with these post la huerta hcs okay)

24. Who is the talker/ Who is the listener?

they’re pretty equal in this regard, though jake marvels at how he can open up to eli because eli’s such a good, attentive listener

25. Who wears the other ones clothes?

eli wears jake’s jacket (which fits him p snugly) and jake is like “o shit it looks so good on him”

26. Who likes to eat healthy/ Who loves junk food?

jake eats junk food/whatever’s on hand while eli tries (emphasis on tries) to stir them to heathier diets

27. Who takes a long shower/ Who sings in the shower?

eli takes a longer shower because he likes to belt out hayley rose songs. jake hears and teases em though the door about finishing up his lil concert (because he likes to rile eli up. he’s actually v amused by the singing.) eli replies with a classic “why dont you come here and make me” and then jake enters the bathroom and the rest as they say is history ;)

28. Who is the book worm?

neither tbh they don’t read (heh) as the bookworm types

29. Who is the better cook?

eli haha jake has no patience with cooking

30. Who likes long walks on the beach?

eli def!

31. Who is more affectionate?

eli shows more affection while jake craves it more fkdsjnd

32. Who likes to have really long (deep) conversation?

oh man jake says he doesn’t like long deep convos but there’s something about eli that gets him to open up and eli likes to be there for jake as much as possible

33. Who would wear “not guilty” t-shirt/ Who would wear “sin” t-shirt?

oh man eli makes jake wear “not guilty” b/c yo jake is totally innocent!! while jake makes eli wear “sin” because damn does he think that eli is sexy as hell

34. Who would wear “if lost return to…” t-shirt/ Who would wear “I am…” t-shirt?

jake wears “if lost, return to eli” while eli wears “i am eli” bc his lone wolf is prone to wandering off (but jake always returns to him

35. Who goes overboard on the holidays?

eli’s aunt HAHA who invites em over for the holidays once she’s cool with jake

36. Who is the social media addict?

ehhh neither like eli spends the normal amount of time on social media tho he posts a lot of group pics since he’s an extravert ahaha

37. Height difference or age difference?

uh both? eli’s taller and jake’s older if i remember right

38. Who likes to star gaze?

eli

39. Who buys cereal for the prize inside?

eliii the prize is a toy plane he gets for jake awww

40. Who is the fun parent/ Who is the responsible parent?

surprisingly jake is responsible parent and eli is the fun one

41. Who cries during sad movies?

jake gets emotional during romcoms when the LI dies jfkndks

42. Who is the neat freak?

uh jake has an organized “system” but it only makes sense to him while eli is just. no. just no. he’s not rachel from the freshman/sophomore level bad but he is not organized either

43. Who wins the stuffed animals at the carnival for the other one?

jake does hehe

44. Who is active/ Who is lazy?

eli’s active and more into health stuff while jake is lazy

45. Who is more likely to get drunk?

eli has a lower tolerance HAHA

46. Who has the longer food order?

eli haha he’s more conscientious with food stuff

47. Who has the more complex coffee order?

jake bc i find it funny HAHAHA

48. Who loses stuff?

eli bc he’s a mess

49. Who is the driver/ Who is the passenger?

jake drives & eli rides (;D ;D ;D)

50. Who is the hopeless romantic?

neither. jake is v cynical while eli is saks lang. more hopeful than most, but definitely not naive by any standards

#mc x jake #jake mckenzie #endless summer #playchoices #choices: stories you play #male mc x jake #elijake #eli de loyola

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canadianbaekhyun · 7 years

Note

i finally watched pride and prejudice bc of you and now i want to die lmaooo. i really like movies from this time period and i was wondering if you know any similar ones? so far i've seen becoming jane, jane eyre (2011), mansfield park (2007) and northanger abbey (2007)! i tried to watch some others too but they're not that good and i prefer angsty movies like pride and prejudice :/

JDFHSDJHF SAME TBH I’ve got the same problem. Because of that I can’t rec much but here’s a couple I know that are pretty angsty/dramatic

this is… a long answer

Firstable, you gotta watch the original P&P with Colin Firth. I’ll admit I haven’t seen the whole thing but Lizzie’s Angry Speech To Darcy in that one is FIRE. Lizzie is S A V A G E in this adaptation and some say it’s closer to the books than the 2005 one. It’s a bit older, but in the end, good shows is good shows.

If you’re keeping in the whole Jane Austen thing, Sense & Sensibility is also pretty good. There’s an old adaptation with Alan Rickman floating around and it was rather well done. I only saw it a long time ago tho so I can’t remember much of it sorry.

Also tbh anything with Tamzin Merchant in it is pretty great, she’s a fantastic actress. She played Georgiana in P&P 2005, and a lot of other stuff you’ve probably already seen. I love her.

For another FANTASTIC love story, Netflix recently put North & South back on. Richard Armitage plays the Brooding Rich Guy and the whole thing has this underlying air of “Is he evil or not” thing. It’s a BBC miniseries so there’s SEVERAL hours of delicious content to savour. A little bleak, but it goes with the story and things lighten up as the story does, which is a nice touch. Tbh this one is pretty close to my heart, the romance was done pretty well, especially towards the end. If anything, watch it to see the end cos it’s the best part. I’m getting butterflies just thinking about it.

Similar time period and still a love story but less ~romance~ per se, BBC made a miniseries for Great Expectations and it’s fucking great. It’s haunting, actually. Like finding old, dry flowers someone gave you after several years and just remembering their significance. I loved the book so so SO much, and this series does a GREAT job of bringing it all to light. Very angsty, very dramatic. The only thing missing is that it’s really serious and therefore less lighthearted than I usually like. It feels heavy, but sometimes you just need something really deep and intense. I live for the plot twist.

Finally, something during a slightly different time period but really serious and heavy and kinda controversial yet still pretty funny at times is Parade’s End. If you don’t hate Benedict Cumberbatch, might as well try it. I’ll admit it’s a little difficult to savour given the plot (you’ll understand if you watch it) but it’s full of drama and angst and it’s just. Amzing to watch. Lots of award-winning actors and the show itself was extremely successful, and not just because it was released during the Sh*rlock Hype Era.

Some honourable mentions that don’t necessarily fit the theme but are still worth watching if you’re interested are The Others (Nicole Kidman, bleak, slow burn, plot twist, drama), Marie Antoinette (Kirsten Dunst, aesthetic, lighthearted, not much plot tbh), Dorian Grey (Ben Barnes, super dramatic, very nsfw, dark, buildup-based), Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer (Ben Whishaw, horror, nsfw, great until a kinda wtf ending but still good), and a classic, The Crucible (Winona Ryder, Daniel Day-Lewis, not European but within the same years technically, LOTS of drama, who’s-gonna-die-next kind of vibe, I swear it’s not a horror film, the original Town of Salem). I also LOVE the Last Samurai but that’s…. a completely different film why tf is it here. Anyway.

SORRY THIS LIST IS SO LONG I probably forgot a whole bunch cos they took them all off netflix and I can’t check for them but here’s a starter pack!

edit: HOW COULD I FORGET “THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL”

#asks #nonny #anon #anonymous #long post //#HOO BOY #BUT TBH NOTHING WILL EVER COME EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO P&P 2005

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kyohiba · 5 years

Text

snow white + prince cursing. jiang cheng and wen ning fix it post canon au

WEN NING TAKING A BLOW TO THE CHEST FOR JIN LING N JC TAKING AN ARROWN TO THE HEART FOR WEN NING LMAO

ssyifpfff🌙 i dig it, havent thot much of it tho

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 but the idea of wen ning trailing behing sizhui and jc trailing behing jin ling n thm meeting while they keep their respective babies safe os *kisses filgers* DOLCE

May 16 i feel like a whole 4th eye of mine opened to that... but my mind probably wont be able to focus much. i hate how i can only hyperfixate in one or two ships at time

ISNT IT SO DOLCE? FORTÍSSIMO!

yeeting patriarch jiang cheng's hostility decreasing as they kept meeting...

yeeting patriarch perhaps wn and jc could get my ass more than jc with huaisang !?

but nothing will ever get ur ass more thn jc/happiness will it

jiang cheng n huaisang is v Aesthethic bc huaisang is a pretty pretty hoe

ssyifpfff🌙 bUT W WEN NING THERES A LOT OF ANGST

May 16 jc + happiness is all that matters

but... the sweet angst road of wn and jc...

yeeting patriarch IT CAN AND IT WILL LEAD TO HAPPINESS !?

and yea the Appeal of jc ano nhs is that huaisang is Very Pretty plus his scheming charm. but we arent given much canon background to work on this. not that it matters, lord knows we built the content when we really want to make anything

but The Flavor, of the canon background content for jc and wn Is There And It's Stronf

yeeting patriarch nevermind what i said im already ass deep into it. i love both jc and wn way too much, the appeal got me immediately

ssyifpfff🌙 ALSO BC WUXIAN DITCHED BOTH OF THEM FOR THT WANGJI D LMAO

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 them bonding over how dumb wuxian would act "he would float in the water n pretend he drowned" "yea he told a-yuan he needed to be buried in order to grow big n tall like a raddish" they look at each other n want to laugh but jc doenst know if hes comfortable enough for tht n wn doenst know if hes allowed to

May 16 yeeting patriarch REPRESSED DUMB BABIES LAUGH TO UR HEARTS CONTENTS TOGETHER :(((((

but oh god, the way jiang cheng is,

their road would be So Long

yeeting patriarch another slow burn, uh...

and then so much confusion and conflicted angsty feelings along the way when everything is better because jc was almost forgetting that..........wen ning is dead :) hes a corpse. what future awaits them. this is terrifying

yeeting patriarch ...why cant i have anything nice and just soft. i need to throw angst in or i die?

ssyifpfff🌙 its awful its a terrible idea to ship tht what r u doin

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 but wen ning being a pure boy, dogs would love him, dogs would gather around him bc he has a Good Aura, n jianc cheng just observes from afar thinkin How can he be so approachable whn hes a fierce corpse

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 like it would have to start w jc thinkin wen ning is less thn a human u understand

May 16 yeeting patriarch

ssyifpfff🌙 SAJGDASDF

May 16 IM CRYING imagine one day jiang cheng finds wen ning, on the floor, on top of him there are like four different dogs all swaying their tails all that hyper bullshit dogs do.

the incident repeats quite a few times

yeeting patriarch jc notices dogs are drawn to wen ning?

ssyifpfff🌙 he notices MAYBE?? hes not a dangerous zombie after all???

May 16 he lets it slip and asks how wuxian reacted to it

as wwx is terrified of dogs

and wen ning is like. where we... spent most of our time... there were no dogs

(awkward silence timel

ah. ruined it again.

okay 2 take

when they're on those night hunts, wen ning + sizhui & jiang cheng + jin ling

fairy starts being Too Friendly towards wen ning

both jiang cheng and jin ling were initially taken aback by it

yeeting patriarch but as the time goes on... it Softens their heart

ssyifpfff🌙 iT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE BC FAIRY IS A SPIRITUAL DOG N IT WOULDNT NVR BE FRIENDLY TO AN EVIL GHOUL SO IT RLY MAKES THM SEE THT WEN NING ISNT A BAD GUY

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 also take 2 on tht dog thing, wen ning is like "ah wei wuxian made me chase any dogs away, i quite like dogs but i had to" to remind jc of the puppies he had to give away bc of wwx lmao :)

May 16 yeeting patriarch THEY START REALIZING WEN NING IS THE PUREST ANGEL... and opening up, in their tsun ways, with him

yeeting patriarch i like how the canon wen ning art is him with a ginger cat, but for the sake of jiangning we made him a dog person

i honestly picture him being the snow white os mdzs, just all animals gathering around him

bird perching on his shoulders, deer eating from his hands. jiang cheng confused af

hes Prince Not Charming

ssyifpfff🌙 Prince Cursing, if u will

May 16 yeeting patriarch WEN NING SNOW WHITE OF MDZS AND HIS PRINCE CURSING JIANG CHENG IM YELLINGGFFKDJSKSK

yeeting patriarch jiang cheng going thru the trees and shit then he finds wen ning all surrounded by all animals cutely around him, the birds singing, some squirrels on the top of his head, a butterfly kissing his nose and suddenly the scene seem to have 💖Sparkles 💖 around. jiang cheng is like *rubs his eye and looks again* What

ssyifpfff🌙 "hey you... you have some animals on you" n wen ning was just super still he only focuses on jc "Oh yes. they do this sometimes. its ok i enjoy it"

May 16 ssyifpfff🌙 "everytime i wake up theres a few little ones on me, they must think im a rock or something" jiang cheng, internally, seein all the animals: CLEARLY THEY ENJOY IT TOO???

May 16 yeeting patriarch JIANG CHENG MACHINE BROKE

ssyifpfff🌙 MEAN JIANG CHENG.EXE STOPPED WORKING

May 16 PRECISELY HENSKLDGSKLS

i would like the idea of, somewhere farther into the future,

some cultivator bitch being mean to wen ning and by instinct jiang cheng ends up standing for wen 5

wen ning*

but then hes a sect leader and...

yknow how it wouldnt work

yeeting patriarch BUT A NYARI CAN DREAM!?

THEY CAN AT LEAST BE ... LIKE.... PHILTATOS

ssyifpfff🌙 MOST BELOVED

May 17 jiang cheng has responsibilities but thEY CAN BE LIKE YOU KNOW.... CASUAL

ssyifpfff🌙 they dont gotta marry. not every couple can be wangxian

May 17 PHILTATOSSSSSSSS

tbh im all in for casual couples too

yeeting patriarch not everyone needs or can have Marriage

hmmmmmm the more jc starts seeing The Light in wn, when they're at the middle of the road,

yeeting patriarch more tangled his emotions get?

he was supposed to LOATHE wen ning but then he sees what happened wasnt wen nings fault. hes angry, who to blame then? wuxian! but it also isnt entirely wwx's fault he lost the control, the dark cultivation is a dangerous path after all... and wwx had a lot on his shoulders... and most of all: it was the only path he could follow without his golden core :) the very golden core that now resides inside jc. who should he blame? who should he hate?? Himself???

yeeting patriarch goddammit can i stop with the suffering

me: snow white au hehe you, chaotic bastard: what if jiang cheng hated himself lmao

i hate specifically tht iT MAKES SENSE

ssyifpfff🌙 HE SPENT. OVER A DECADE BLAMING WEN NING N WUXIAN N TO REALIZE HE WAS WRONG, HE WASTED ALL THOSE YEARS. WHOS HE GONNA TURN THT HATE TOWARD??? HIMSELF OFC!!!!! OF COURSE!!!!!!1

May 17 HOLD UP THAT I GRAB BOTH OF US TO JUMP INTO THE HELL HOLE BUT I CAN ALSO SAVE US

listen up,

one day all those feelings that keep growing and bottling up inside jc overflow and he explodes in yelling and tears and etc

wen ning, whom was with him, witness all that

yeeting patriarch and tries to soothe his state of mind

yeeting patriarch telling him that it's no one's fault. none of them couldve known what would happen. all sides had their good intentions here and there, but unfortunately fates can twist it in a way they never expected

BUT THEN jc returns with an "then why do u look like u blame yourself as well?" BECAUSE WEN NING DOES

yeeting patriarch sorry apparently the half brain cell i have working, only does suffering hours

"THEN WHY DO U BLAME URSELF"

nyari u sAID U COULD SAVE US

ssyifpfff🌙 wen ning is like "..............." jiang cheng: i know it wasnt anyones fault but then what am i supposed to feel? who am i supposed to hate??"

May 17 yeeting patriarch IM LAUGHINGS O MUCH IM NOT BRSTJINENSKS

wen ning is like No one. there isnt any1 to blame anymore

ssyifpfff🌙 im franctically tryin to make it bETTER NYARI LEND ME A HAND DAM IT

May 17

MY THROAT HURTS IM TOO BROKE LIKE (MANIC LAUGHTER)

yeeting patriarch okay lemme get myself back together and try to offer some fix it

yeeting patriarch me: *shaking, weakly offering a tiny ass pink hello kitty band aid* This Will Fix Everything (the hell hole im offering the band aid for is like 17cm)

yeeting patriarch wen ning goes confident mode again and says that he cant help it as much jc and wwx, all of them will feel guilty no matter what anyone says. they tried their best but it backfired and they will need, they have to, learn how to live in terms with it. not forgetting, but still forgiving themselves and each other

wen ning obv has the wisdom of some1 who has died, seen death, been death, and come back to life

he has an appreciation for the little things no others would have

if any1 could emotionally guide jc it wOULD BE HIM1!

ssyifpfff🌙 "i have regrets too, but theres no choice for any of us but to live w them n learn"

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 ALSO

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 i think wen nings sensibility woULD BE SO GOOD FOR JC, hes always tense he needs a break of him just being so still tht birds can perch on his shoulders

May 17

WEN NINGGGGGGGGG

yeeting patriarch he'll literally become jc's heaven sent angel... his solace and calm

like, after that breakdown and the things wen ning said

yeeting patriarch jiang cheng actually does feel... Lighter

wen ning boutta be jiang chengs therapist

ssyifpfff🌙 its what he needs

May 17 but as jiang cheng starts dealing better with his internal demons

he starts seeing more too that wen ning isnt only light

wen ning carries his pain too, inevitably

and jc starts to help wn as well

yeeting patriarch each other's company start being the healing they needed?

woke

ssyifpfff🌙 jiang cheng teached wn confidence and wen ning teaches jiang cheng stillness and softness

May 17 i teared up here

after The Wen Ning Effect, and jiang cheng softening. people of his sect start to be... less afraid of him? AND BETTER, the respect level only grows!

jiang cheng realizing there is strength in softness too

that to be tender doesnt mean to be weak

of course his actions arent Oh, Super Obvious as he is a tsun

yeeting patriarch but u can feel The Difference on his aura

YOU HAVE TO BE SOFT TO BE STRONG JIANG CHENG

ASKJDAJSDGF

ssyifpfff🌙 I KNOW THAT WHEN LOVE IS LOST..............

May 17 yeeting patriarch I LOVE HOW IN SYNC WE ARE MY MIND ALSO WENT SOFT TO BE STRONF .MP3

ssyifpfff🌙 WE'VE KNOWN IT ALL ALONG THE TRUTH IS............ YOU HAVE TO BE S

May 17 yeeting patriarch ME, ON THE FLOOR, SOBBING, SINGING ALONF,

ssyifpfff🌙 EXTREME MOOD RN

May 17 yeeting patriarch we did done it again and again... i cannot believe it

honestly if the ppl in his sect see tht jc has the ghost general over for tea they'd be like Wow sect leader cheng rly is amazing

ssyifpfff🌙 hes so fearless

May 17 im tearing up again

HMMMMMMMMM his relationship with wen ning also being a bridge for some fixing for his relationship with wuxian...........

takes so much time and it's slow

but

after he took it all in, and especially wen nings words that he shouldn't forget to forgive, and has to live with it

he starts Understanding the events. that is was inevitable. and that the anger would not help nor be good for any of them

yeeting patriarch that for the ones around them (like jin ling) they need to... overcome it

*sobbing* wen ning even helping him to overcome his inferiority complex !?

yeeting patriarch making jc see that this and this sides of him are greater and make up for this and this other ones. that he, too, was of vital importance on here and there

tht the ppl around him look up to him, tht they dont compare him to wuxian, tht the strenght he has shown isnt just coming from his golden core but from his choices as well

from his leadership

also jiang cheng realizing yanli wouldnt want him to hate

ssyifpfff🌙 the worst part abt yanlis death is tht we dont ever hear her last words

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 she doesnt get to finish sayin thm, we dont know what she was gonna say to wuxian n i firmly believe tht if she has finished n she had said she didint blame him, thn jiang cheng wouldnt have been as hung up on hate as he was

May 17 yeeting patriarch

yeeting patriarch tbh yanli... she just Understood more. faster than the two dense dumbasses

SHE WAS SO BRIGHT

AND MATURE

ssyifpfff🌙 I MISS HER EVERYDAY

May 17 and it's like. Obvious she wouldnt want them to be that way. she would want them to understand the terms of the situation and overcome it TOGETHER

IM SO SAD SHE DESERVED BETTER :(((

but after jiang cheng learns how to deals with his demons,

and most important of all: Grows (emotionally)

he starts seeing things a bit more like his sister would

yeeting patriarch WWYLD (What Would YanLi Do)

yeeting patriarch hmm now what's left is his daddy issues

WWYLD!!!!!

sadasdfsf the fuck jiang dad

ssyifpfff🌙 can u believ wen ning is jiang chengs love+fear era

May 17 hmmmmmmmm let's say that as he watches himself raise jin ling he starts to understand his dad couldn't be easy on him. and that he Had To be softer on wwx's for his situations

i cant go deeper on this one because his dad messed up

yeeting patriarch but let's say that was really the case,

ssyifpfff🌙 yes theres no excuse for his dad, he had a soft spot for wwx n his favoritism showed

May 17 ssyifpfff🌙 its more like, its important for jc to Know it doesnt matter, he grew up to be a good leader n tht proved his dad wrong

May 17 IT'S HARD TO FIND A SITUATION OUT OF HIS DAD REASONS he messed up

BUT!!! YES!!!!!!!

learn to let go of those feelings towards his dad

yeeting patriarch and the day it finally fully clicked inside him that he became an amazing sect leader, he proved it

it's also important that he could realize having wwx golden core inside him means as if wwx really kept his promise

he stayed by his side

yeeting patriarch a very important piece of wwx will always be with him

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

Text

@0@.... x3x... ;u; I did something kinda good today... and also dredging up some backstory and some notes about my family... [Repost 090517]

Welp, I just finished a phone call to a referral service for a therapist person. And... and!! It was hella hard, awkward and nerve wracking, but I... I did it! :D I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, because there’s a chance it may not turn out too well or have that much of an impact, but it will hopefully give me more direction at least. Maybe it could even be something I could write about here as I go along, to record my progress in my own words, it’d be something to encourage and give me a reason to post more hmm... Anyways okay, don’t be overly expectant or think too or far ahead, silly self. I just wanna relish in the fact I did something I usually have so much trouble with, phone calls, and the fact that the subject was even harder this time (with all those deep personal questions that I have never expressed to anyone before), feels like I played a harder stage of the anti-avoidance game and levelled up a little hehe :3 (I’ve been calling to make appointments at the doctors for physical health quite a lot since last year and my phone service provider and a few other things like that which has actually helped me feel a little less anxious about phone calls, so exposure to fears does work! It’s just you have to start small and sometimes some pressure and force is needed to get the gears going~! So if I post more, then posting should get easier too, right!? It’s so difficult to bring the confidence to write, post and not just want to delete everything, but I’ll keep trying..! >:3)

I had been wanting to see a therapist again for a long time but obviously my avoidance and kind of blah past experiences got in the way of that. I have been to see a therapist (I think?) before in my days at both college and university, but this time feels more serious and is under the medical services sort of thing, so I have a bit more hope for it. Looking back to those times though, I am kind of proud of myself, because I tried, and not even once but twice in this instance and also there were many other times I pushed myself to do things to benefit myself and my health, because I knew I was struggling. I would give my past self a good pat on the head if I could. It’s so strange, me then and me now feel so different even though the same troubles remain, I feel like I’m an entirely different person somehow and I often wonder how I was able to conjure such courage and drive to improve back then (though I guess it’s because the situations were different, and the fact that I had some friends to talk to then and I was not physically ill to the extent I am now is probably also a big factor *sigh*).

Anyways, I know that even if I try my best to encourage myself to change my thinking, it would be nowhere near as effective or eloquent as the help of a specialist, so I had to take the initiative to get this train to healthier thinking up and running asap, hence me finally pursuing a therapist again. This time imma try much harder to get better! :U

I actually already requested and was referred to a therapist 2 years ago but never went through with it and the person on the phone today was able to pull up this information of course (though I mentioned it to them too), but it just helped to prove my avoidant-ness which was kind of good in a way I guess lol. The reason I didn’t continue with the past referral is because of some things my mum said. (Hmm.. I was writing a post about my family and their influence on me but I guess I’ll try and merge it into this post.) What happened was a letter was sent to my house explaining that I had requested therapy and to make an appointment by calling some number and my mum saw it and basically said some stuff like “You don’t really need this, do you? This kind of thing is for crazy people” these are not the exact words, especially the word crazy, but it’s too long ago to remember. Basically it was indirectly telling me not to go, that this was something weird and it made me scared and successfully deterred me from going (I’m worried something similar might happen again but I’m definitely gonna make myself go no matter what this time). When I think back on this, I regret not just going ahead, as I could have started making progress already (the subsequent years were wasted in me wallowing in my own sadness and a load of escapism through online gaming, pointless consumption of internet trash etc) but I was even weaker to the judgement from my parents then. The concept of normalcy and the desire for it is such a baffling and troublesome thing... :<

I have to mention that my parents are quite old fashioned in thinking and as such not educated in stuff like mental health, so it’s not entirely their fault they still have perceptions like this. It’s a difficult thing to even bring up, anything is when it comes to talking about feelings, in a place where this never really occurs... my household. When I went to therapy in both college and university (though brief and focused on social anxiety, which is all I thought I had then), it was something I didn’t want my parents to know about so I lied and just told them I had a spontaneous class then, as they could see my timetable and the times I had an appointment with the therapist were outside of those periods (but classes outside what was written on the timetable were common and actually did occur a lot then anyways so it was a believable ploy). I can see now that maybe this wasn’t the best thing to do, it made me very uneasy of course, but it made sense at the time. Anyways I didn’t want to cause any trouble to my family, for them to worry or deter me from taking the chance to feel more independent and take on my own problems. I still have the same kind of feeling now, though I can see that I was trying to avoid judgement back then just as much as I do now orz.

Then I can’t remember exactly how it led to this, though it seems likely the therapist recommended it, but I went to the doctor and got prescribed anti depressants and well my family definitely came to know about this (idk if it was before or after being prescribed it though). I can’t remember how everything went about but I took the meds for idk... I think less than a year(?) and came off them because the side effects were bad. The tablets were not some magical healing miracle of course, they made me feel just.... well, neutral .__. but that’s better than agonisingly depressed though... I mean I could still have sad thoughts, but the spiralling sad sort of mood just couldn’t occur and drag me down like before. I’m not sure if I could be happy either, or well I didn’t have the energy or reason to be happy anyways. The big downside was they made me feel even more brain foggy than I already was, I was lethargic and slept excessively and I was also very migraine-y and nauseous (this is actually how I am a lot of the time anyways lol, but the medicine exacerbated or brought on these symptoms consistently). I think I changed the medicine type to another but still struggled with the side effects. This was quite a handful of years back so some things are not 100% clear in my memory, but I remember it wasn’t a fun time lol. My family obviously saw the negative effects and were worried and didn’t want me taking them any more and so I guess I stopped just like that. I think my family is generally unfavourable towards taking medicines long term unless absolutely necessary, probably even more so about this, since this was for not for treating a physical ailment and you know there’s this whole stigma with mental health in general and treatment with medication and stuff.

Uh, I kind of sidetracked and forgot a lot of the stuff I wanted to write now lol... I just hope that this time with the therapist and everything will go better. When I think back to talking to the referral person, it actually didn’t go that smoothly to begin with or well, at all and it made me pretty uncomfortable and dampened my spirits slightly tbh. It was the most drawly conversation ever and idk it just didn’t seem as professional and polished as I would have expected it to be..? I’m also kind of nervous and confused because the referral person said I’d be contacted to arrange appointments and I asked about where they would be located and they said there’s many places and mentioned something about pubs...???? Aw jeez I should have listened better or ask more clearly but I kind of derped >^<;; I hope they were talking about future exposure methods or something and not flat out making me talk all my problems to them in public from the get go or something... XAX Like whaaaa? Is all therapy not done in a room in some clinical building? @A@ I’m getting kinda worked up over it, but I should just wait and see, I most likely just confused myself, anyways going to therapy is my choice and I don’t have to agree, right! Okay huff keep positive! I can go through with it!

Maybe I’ll write a bit more about my family now since I mentioned them in this post already and this post seems to have become very backstory-ish anyways, so might as well continue ya know~ How to start though..? Well, I kind of feel like my family is quite conservative and this can feel really restrictive, since what they probably want is a sensible and successful daughter and I guess so far I am the sensible (and timid as hell) part at least... orz. Also they do tend to judge me a lot and what they say actually does end up influencing a lot of my actions, but is this how it’s meant to be or am I just being too passive? My family is around me all the time, so it’s no mystery why I feel so caged in, why I’m growing so slowly and why I keep getting knocked back so much all the time. It’s not that they are bad people or that they don’t love me, it’s just that… sometimes things they say really hit me hard and also my parents have never really offered much in the emotional support department and maybe they don’t see it but they didn’t really help in my development as a functional adult either. I’ve always felt like my parents are different from all the other parents out there for many reasons and I really hate to compare them to others, but it happens. My parents are also the overprotective kind which doesn’t help to inspire independence, and I know for a fact I have grown to be very dependant and still feel like a child inside a lot of the time. As well as their old fashioned thinking, there is the big issue of their culture being different from the one all around me, the one outside which I have ended up feeling so alien to.

They are not completely unsupportive of me all the time or anything, it’s just idk... clash of interests? They do care for me deeply, it’s just hard to communicate about feelings and stuff. Every time I write something bad about them it makes me feel bad and I write some defending statement... I can’t help it... :/ I feel that my dad can be very condescending, or well has a prideful personality, so his words are particularly sharp and hurtful sometimes, while my mum is quick to dislike things or have slight prejudices etc. My dad quite easily throws around insults in the spur of the moment and is quite irritable in general. The fact that he doesn’t think about how the person on the receiving end feels or has a reason for whatever first can be particularly hurtful, but it’s because he’s fuelled with anger or annoyance at the time and he does realise and covertly feel bad about it later on. My mum doesn’t get annoyed or react as strongly to things but she has that kind of silent disapproval feeling. The weight of their words are so crushing sometimes and it makes it difficult for me to just be myself, without being afraid of them commenting something that’ll just make me not want to try again... idk if it is because of things like that, that I hold myself back or if it’s just lack of confidence in general too though >< They do care for me and want what’s best for me, it’s just bleh, like there is not as much freedom as there could be? I feel envious of other people who can enjoy being them self and that have parents that allow them that freedom and accept their choices unconditionally, aw >^<

I’ve never talked about my feelings with them and neither have they disclosed their own (but maybe this is the same way they were brought up?). Their displays of affection towards each other are so slight, and to me are there but kind of restricted... I don’t want to keep comparing them to other parents unconsciously but it just feels like they aren’t quite as affectionate as I wish they were, or as I’ve seen to be the norm. Normal... normal doesn’t exist right? Or it’s not the same for everything... everyone... .__. My parents take care of me and my living needs, we eat together at least once a day and have some small mostly pleasant conversations, occasionally we go shopping together but we don’t exactly spend much free time with each other (or at least not as much as in the past) even though we live in the same house. I’ve been trying quite hard since a while back to get my family to participate in some little activities like playing board games or watching tv together but it only worked very few times and the effort I have to go through is very tiresome as they are always so reluctant (also talking to my dad is really difficult because I suck at speaking my second language and can never get what I’m trying to say across coherently). But they also have things they want to do, and I respect that, it’s just that some of these things could easily be done together, but they aren’t. I thought back to my childhood and couldn’t remember ever having played together with my parents then, I mean I’m sure they did occasionally maybe but it doesn’t seem to have been significant enough to remember, which saddens me. They seemed to be working a majority of the time back then up until now, so my sister was the one that always played with me and stuff.

I’m writing like my parents totally ignore me but that’s not the case, idk how to phrase things well orz they are generally warm people but idk there’s just this feeling of disconnect and awkwardness. It doesn’t help at all that there’s a slight language barrier between me and my dad either, but I am trying my best :< I think my family doesn’t have much time together, because like I mentioned before my parents work so much, they try so hard because they have to look after me and my sister (though she also works, supports them back, has a secondary home and can take care of herself now). They put so much effort in what they do, they always want the best for those around them, the suggestions I put forward to make things easier for them are quite easily rejected though probably because they prefer to do things the way they’re used to. “How are you going to live/look after yourself when we’re not here anymore?” It really hurts hearing this, it just proves how useless and dependent I am, but neither of them allow me to do stuff around the house nor have they set aside time to teach me stuff :< I am constantly reminded that time is going so quickly, it’s both been mentioned and observed that my parents are getting older (I noticed that this is one of their worries, though they never talk about it to me, at least not directly), I know they can’t support me forever... and I don’t want it to be this way, life hurts and I can’t help but feel powerless. The thing is I am very aware of everything, and there isn’t a moment when I look at them that I don’t worry for them, I don’t want for them to have to work so hard, I want to be able to get a job, I want to be independent and I want to be there for them. It’s all so difficult... I feel like even though I’m trying, it’s much too slow, it not enough... But I have to just keep pressing on... I... can do something... :c

About my sister, even we find each other annoying so often, and even though many of the things she also had said spurred the most darkest feelings in me, I am really grateful that she is here. Lately I felt we were kind of growing a bit distant too because she has so much adult responsibilities to tend to and I just sit here like a lost child, I feel like a burden and don’t want her to have to think she has to look after me forever either. I’m also still very wary around her (because she does judge me quite easily all the time too) but she listens to my worries when I do finally get the courage to say them and the most recent time she was very kind about it. I think she is as close to a ‘safe person’ as I could have, she's been helping me quite a lot lately and though she doesn’t fully understand the extent of how I am affected, she could still relate to some of the things I felt which felt somewhat relieving. Being able to confide in each other about feelings and other general stuff again like we used to is definitely something very valuable, reassuring and that I’m thankful of.

I feel so silly for being too sensitive and getting angered or hurt whenever people say things to me, but I never want this feeling escalate into resentment or straight up blaming. Everyone has problems of their own and/or things in the past that may have affected them and made them behave how they do. Things aren’t always intentional, and people can genuinely be unaware of how their words and actions can affect others or the extent of such. It’s all about communication and understanding and sadly, this is one of the biggest pieces of puzzle missing in my life, but maybe I can find it again and put it in place soon with a little help.

Words are so impacting, they can wound so deeply but they can also be so powerfully uplifting, I have to fill my life with the ones that bring positive change, try harder to do the things that really matter and learn to appreciate myself, others and life more. Don’t look back, don’t back down, don’t give up...!! It’s hard now but I can get through it, I have to believe in myself more!

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disparais · 7 years

Text

without them, there wouldn't be any of this

started this post whilst in the car, with my mother’s careless words ringing in my ears, but i later found the time to expound upon some other things. started off rambly, but i realized there was still a certain flow to my thoughts, so i threw in headers wherever appropriate during editing.

also. i was so upset when i first posted this pre-edit/organization (i left the post hanging while i was having lunch with my parents and then the worst stomachache of 2017 after - no idea what the pathophysiology was behind that one) that i forgot to format the post under a cut help

why i hate staying at home: (aka the catalyst for this post)

words have consequences hadghxnsb how can you say things like “i always cringe when people tell me i must be proud that my daughter’s in medical school because i think you’re going to flunk out” fuuuuck why am i even still surprised

scheduling and plans:

also a little unhappy with people who flake on plans. casual plans may be casual but i still take them as binding as long as a date has been set. and i don't appreciate clearing my schedule, especially where j is involved, only to be told that they've been cancelled. especially when it's because the people involved have knowingly made plans with other people. (double-booking is different, i guess, since it's unintentional. plus i’m guilty sometimes since my social calendar is nuts sometimes, so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad about that.)

[update: moments after mentioning double-booking, i realized i was supposed to do zumba with a for fc sigh this is why i said double-booking is unintentional.]

this cancellation just stings so much because it plays into my deepest insecurity, i guess, that i'm overinvested in the friendship and i just. care too much. i mean, why else would our plans matter so much to me and not to them?

and why does reciprocity matter so much to me, anyway? g said it best when she said that God’s love for us is unconditional and we should be striving to love others freely. logically i don’t think i impose any expectations on others in terms of gestures. it’s a scorpio thing to love deeply and jealously, and i need to learn to not be affected by others’ apathy/ignorance.

overly-full social calendar:

i don’t get how i can feel like i don’t have that many friends, even though my social calendar is frequently packed. i guess i really hardly see my close old friends like f, ly, l, h, m, a etc. these days. not forgetting assorted people like the lower-maintenance guys like j and j, and other people like d and k (who slept over recently! it was cool). also truly pleased with the direction suitefam is heading in (see section below).

was actually really pleasantly surprised when d realized i was in school last term (when i was on the way to meeting j) and wanted to meet me spontaneously, even if just for 15 mins (she dropped whatever she was doing and ran over). she said, amongst other things, that meeting me was grounding and calming. a clear 受宠若惊 moment for me, which gave me hope - maybe i do have something apart from sensible advice to offer people (gotta learn to curb my instinct to dispense it when unsolicited, though).

limited social energy:

(i only get to my point in the 4th paragraph tbh) increasingly annoyed with qx sometimes because i genuinely don’t care that much when he cancels on me (beginning to think sometimes that he’s not as important to me as everyone, myself included, thinks he is) bad thoughts stop here but i do care that he tries to foist me onto the next available person. i get that he flakes on people for family because he’s separated from them by a goddamn ocean and he clings onto them. i don’t get how he thinks forcing me to interact one-on-one with someone i’m not really close to is supposed to help my social reserves.

and that’s not even it - the day before, i asked if he wanted to do lunch after anat tutorial, and when he suggested la nonna and i agreed, he began scanning the place to determine who to ask along. what happened to the guy who ditched house lunches because he couldn’t be bothered to wait for them to eat and because he hated sitting on the floor? i’m beginning to think true as those excuses were, they were just flimsy cover-ups for his initial loneliness whilst he was trying to fit in.

honestly happy with the way i am right now in uni - no longer fomo with regards to most things (apart from suitefam HAHA), and far more fiercely independent than before. just a little disappointed in qx in terms of how susceptible to peer pressure in terms of wanting to fit in and all he turned out to be, though i guess it’s sort of understandable since these are truly all the people he has. i probably take my social network for granted sometimes.

after all of this rambling, i mostly wanted to say that i am bone-tired dealing with people from medicine. i hardly find deep/stimulating discussion with these people (my immediate peers) and instead i have to put up with banter and it is. so tiRING

the difficult part is dealing with people like qx who inadvertently worsen the situation by open-jioing people to most things we do. it already costs me to initiate an interaction with someone regardless of whether or not we’re close, and unless you know you’re jio-ing someone else i’m close to, you should know that your “inclusiveness” comes at a relatively hefty cost to me.

and the worst part is when i explicitly expressed my exhaustion (rare, unless my walls are down - suitefam sees me at my most tired and vulnerable tbh) and he said “yeah, yeah, i understand” and i disagreed and HE INSISTED HE DID, and still wanted to invite someone. WHAT EVEN I CAN’T he should have seen me the night of my 5.30am htht with kt. i bet i looked like a complete wreck at 1+ when i showed up at her doorstep but thank goodness for people like 2/5 of suitefam around whom i am comfortable ♥

tl;dr introvert invisibility is real extroverts please don’t pretend to be introverts just because it’s cool and counterculture kthxbai.

suitefam:

truly pleased with the direction suitefam is heading in - definitely getting closer to g + kt every day, and this week we even got to hear from c and s.

suddenly realized that suitefam has opened up a whole host of opportunities for me to indulge my love language in terms of gifts as i’m now able to grab something simple on the way back to share with the suite/drop things in peoples’ buckets/run into my room to calligraph a quick thank-you note. didn’t use to think i was really into gift-giving as a gesture of love as compared with the other 4 love languages, but suitefam is really challenging that self-perception. always good to develop another love language, anyway.

also being reminded very keenly on how much touch is a love language for me, in the sense that if my walls come down far enough for me to be comfortable with personal touch (2/5 of suitefam - naturally, since they’re the people i’m closer to), it is a very rare and precious and lovely thing; touch, even unintentional, is so inexplicably comforting and comfortable for me.

j’s birthday:

i was not mentally prepared to have to celebrate with j on monday and now i need to whip something up asap omG I AM FREAKING OUT HERE what am i even supposed to get him?? (update: that’s right i got him pretty much the same thing i got for my ex previously. smh why am i so goddamn practical and uncreative)

going to ilight with him tomorrow though so that’s a plus - self-reminder to pick a suitable outfit and i guess tomorrow’s going to be burnt on making his card. i sometimes wonder whether we’re truly a good match for each other or not aaa the low-maintenance thing is definitely a pro in friendships but i’m beginning to wonder if it’s okay for us or not since we aren’t just friends after all.

conclusion:

i just want to study for pros and not have to deal with all this omg i swear after tmr i'm just going to buckle down and study because life and socialization is so not worth it sometimes really a little hurt and not ready to deal with the people mentioned in this post for now but it's hard because i do love them (love is not a word i use lightly) but all this is making me wonder if i’m equally loved i guess

#rant #family #friends

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