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#i got so angry i dont even remember
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Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.
#so ive been in a bad mental state lately#because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts)#that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own#which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them#and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too#i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful#and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing#and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas#and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom#so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset#and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?'#its not good. but i havent acted on anything#AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds#i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again#i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best#im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it#but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard#so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk#btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am#and im full of manic energy#tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room
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hella1975 · 10 months
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something specifically shitty about IN THE MOMENT as the conversation is happening knowing you're in the wrong and you're being a cunt and continuing to do it anyway
#like yeah im being a bitch. im lashing out because of an insecurity. i dont know how else to be though#hiiii im dadposting again <3 i feel bad bc YES i have so so much bitterness towards my dad#but he is genuinely a nice man. like i had this thought the other night that he is such a good kind soft man. he just isn't a good father#and the tragedy is he COULD HAVE BEEN if he'd just SHOWED UP but he DIDNT and that's that im twenty childhood's gone#we're never getting those years back my brain has developed without a need for him and now im angry. whatever#but he's still good. he's still kind. so he'll do stuff to try help me and i just am so horrid about it#and i FEEL myself doing it i literally have a voice in my head going 'i know you've interpreted this as him condescending you#but you know that isn't the case so stop lashing out' and i literally CANT because id rather be angry than insecure#bc it all goes back to pride and shame with me EVERYTHING always does#like im so convinced my dad thinks im stupid and useless and can't do anything myself at my big age etc#which is why im SO hard on myself when shit goes wrong like not just bc of my dad like i have a general fleabagesque position in my family#of being the trainwreck one that fucks up all the time so when shit goes wrong (like my rent or my walls) it hits me 10x harder#than it logically should bc i can just FEEL my dad and sister going 'yeah well that's hella for you'#and my dad got the autistic ticky boxy numbers brain neurodivergence and i got the adhd scatterbrained neurodivergence#so for admin stuff he tries to PARENT me bc he's my DAD but i just completely reject it even though i KNOW he's not being mean#like he literally just said to me in his nervous as fuck voice bc he doesn't know how to talk to us#'remember to sort phone chargers out because the sockets are different in america' that's it. that's all he said. just looking out for me#tell me why i BARKED OUT 'i KNOW dad it's MY TRIP stop hounding me about things ive got it sorted'#in the SHITTIEST tone you ever heard. ugh i cant even be too angry at myself bc he has blame here too but it's a shitty feeling#to know i always have that propensity for cruelty even now. idk. im just thinking thoughts idkkkk hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii#hella goes home
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romanroygirls · 10 months
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logan mentions in the first ep that kendall was "still in the nut house three years ago" so that's why he couldn't do The Job and this makes me so angry. three years is a long time in sobriety. it's actually a huge accomplishment because addiction is so difficult, especially in the executive business. kendall has to look away from stewy doing coke so he wouldn't be tempted. coke in their business is just an appetizer for heavier stuff and kendall tried so much, so hard only for logan to write him off as incapable for having a fucking illness
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gunthermunch · 1 year
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the unification of simblr, 2022 (colorized)
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elegyofthemoon · 4 months
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IF YOU COULD be at any airport in the world rn which one
the bangkok one i wanna go home but also to look at this cool statue :)
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evilork · 9 months
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girls (me) when they remember being vulnerable with people who did not deserve it
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soldier-poet-king · 1 year
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Lmao bitch i THOUGHT given how much shit bro 2 has caused lately it'd be a good opportunity for me to slip in my tattoo plans without my mother's extreme disappointment and I was wrong! God forbid my mother ever approve of me or any of my decisions! Or even just neutral non judgment! Not even that I gave her forewarning rather than just showing up one day in a few months with ink! My mother never takes interest in me and my accomplishments and interests, so why would I expect anything but disappointment over something I knew she wasn't keen on in general? Oh but it's FINE if bro 1's perfect gf has tattoos (which, imo, are tacky ones but that's a matter of personal taste) but she's perfect and can do no wrong and is the feminine daughter my mother wishes she had so whatever I guess
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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...
#sometimes i feel like my brain is disintegrating in my head. coming apart like a lump of paper in a pool of water#it comes with this weird feeling of vertigo. like i turn my head and my thoughts are spinning too fast. they keep going despite my standing#still. its also a but when you start drinking something and when u stop your thoughts r hazy and ur breathing is heavy#maybe thats not a universal experience. sometimes when i stop i realize ive slipped half out of my body#and now im stumbling from day to day trying desperately to remember all the things im supposed to be managing#but there are these big holes in my brain. like im missing chunks of grey matter. the bits that would let me stop and start things#i dunno. when im taking measurements i have this image of myself on my knees holding the fragrance pieces of my life together as they#crumble thru my fingers and my insides shrivle away from the walls that contain them. i go hollow like a gord#and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness#i dont care. im just trying to burn the hours away. make time vanish. and for what? what am i building toward? i have an answer that i give#interviewers but i dunno i never thought id make it this far. but here we r. unhappy and lacking in purpose. its just that this last year#was so weird bc about a year ago i burned out so hard that i never recovered and it just got worse and worse. i feel now that ive stopped#the bleeding at least but the bitterness is still there. still infecting my words and curving my spine around the injury#and in theory i understand the path to healing but its hard when im just so. i dont even kno. angry? im not mad but the word feels right#but i dunno what id be angry about. maybe im just sick of empty tasks and not caring. i used to have passion and enthusiasm now i just feel#fragile and hurt. bracing for pain. and that makes me so sad. i wish i could go out into the woods and wander. just breathe#but no. instead ill start another day identical to 100 others and hope to keep my head above the surface bc im sick of swallowing sea water#anyway. itll b fine. hopefully this week i can commit to a program. hopefully. another program halfway across the country. this time#vertically. landing me still 2 time zones from home. but hopefully there i can breathe a little. maybe. hopefully. well see#unrelated
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socialjusticebard · 7 months
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does anyone else ever wish they could go back and redo their adult life before they transitioned? to see if they can get it right this time with all the confusion out of the way? I think about this constantly
#Came up bc I was looking into art school seriously for the first time in 20 years#And the admissions person talked about going over my old transcript and seeing what counts already towards the degree I want#And I got one and got really viscerally depressed and angry looking at all the classes on it#Because I saw the grades#And I remembered how I went down from like 3.81 to 3.4 over the course of the billions of years I slogged through that damn degree#And I know why I was depressed and suffering#Like I finally had time to be away from my family for extended periods even when I was crashing at home#I was meeting queer people#Even if I didn't understand my queerness yet#I was so fucking depressed and my home life was horrible#I dont know how I survived#But my grades show it#I hate myself#It was just too low like just a smidge below 3.5 and I couldn't get the jobs I wanted#It's fine I ended up being fine but#I look back and I just get so angry that I didn't do better#Bc knowing what I know now like if I had known I was trans I could have had options#I could have done the work as a guy and not gotten bullied and put down and discouraged by people around me after I started to pass#How different would it have been#I could have been something instead of just failing#And why didnt my friends care or ask how I was#I'm pissed about that....#I remember the smell of the bathtub of dishes that piled up bc I couldn't do them#I'm so depressed I wish I could do my life over looking at this useless degree that was all pain#A permanent reminder of my own goddamn ignorance
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todayisafridaynight · 6 months
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maybe if i play y7 ill be normal <- played y7 four times this weekend, a decidedly not normal thing
#snap chats#'snap how many times can you play y7 in a week before youre tired of it' do you wanna find out together#i had a horrible night last night. ok not a WHOLLY horrible night but something trash did happen and i woke up still groggy bout it#i dont like sulking about the past but sometimes i cant help it and it aint fair to myself to act like i can help it. sometimes.#i gotta be candid just for my sake last night i got real upset with my friend because when i say she tests me She Really Does#and i hate getting angry cause then i just feel like my mom and at that point i figure itd be better if i slipped on ice and broke my spine#generally im good at controlling my temper but everything just testing me and i broke down and it was embarrassing as hell ☠️☠️#so yeah thats gonna bother me for a few days LMAO#'snap it aint that deep' it AINT and thats why its so annoyin cause i KNOW it aint that deep yet i still cant argue away how i feel#all i can do is try to ignore it... like plying y7 for the 11th time.....#i cant ply it now tho i told myself id work on a commission a bit so. maybe later...#i already started another file yesterday- or was it two days ago ???? idk i just know im up to chap 5 in it#chap 5 always give me a damn headache its so LONG at the very least the benefit to having my friend over and raising my blood pressure#is that i start to remember things to do from a y7 speedrun. like i dont hound her on what to do obvi i just let her play#its just lil notes to myself. tho she does tell me to give her tips and exploits when i can LMAO#anyways.. im gonna go work ig and try to feel like crummy bye bye#i wanna stream.. maybe i will this evening before my evening class.. lol.. we'll see but probably not
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dirt-str1der · 1 year
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How do you think majima hit his ex wife ? Do you think he did it like kiryu slapped haruka , he whapped his hand over her cheek like a reflex, without even thinking. Do you think he revved up for a backhand during an argument, or maybe he grabbed her by the shoulders and straight up threw her to the ground while she was at her most vulnerable and then he walked out the door and never looked back
#Yakuza loveblog#we dont give majima enough shit for hitting mirei but she seems so wistful when she was talking aboht it#mirei is .. shes like haruka but not because when something terrible happens to haruka she files that emotion away and keeps trucking on wit#her angellic smile but when mireis going through a lot she shuts down and she gets that blank expression a lot more like majima does ..#maybe he got that from her ?? i think she got the abortion and went home to tell majima about it. all the while that blank look plastered on#her face and she tells him that she was pregnant and before he could have any resction to that news she tells him she got rid of it#and majima is shocked he looks at her face and he gets mad it looks like she doesnt give a shit. she didnt even tell him she didnt even#trust him and he shoves her to the floor he’d yelled at her for a reason he cant even remember now and she looks at him without any emotion#and he figures it out. that she was right not to trust him because hes like This. and she doesnt love him because hes like this so he walks#away knowing he doesnt deserve anything from her because she was hurting and he could only make it worse. and maybe he cried a bit over her#had a few angry tears at some bar but she never shed a tear over him because thats just not who she is#she recounts the story to haruka with a blank expression and a slow#calm voice that betrays no emotion ... she really loved majima that much was obvious .. neither of them had been really ready for a#relationship but i believed they did love each other they just didnt know how to deal with two things at once
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vampmilf · 10 months
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#just found out that my brother actually went with me to gerards show in köln in 2015 lmao#like i KNOW i went to köln berlin and copenhagen but i only vaguely remember some thing from cph#but he just found his tour shirt again and was like haha remember? :D#and i was like NO??!?!?#and he remembers nothing but thieves as the opening act and all and im like---#i actually had to google bc i know ive seen nbt but i didnt know when#i dont remember ANYTHING from köln or berlin i only remember some bits from cph#bc i was front row and got a setlist and got to meet him and stuff so like. it was a little more significant#but it creeps me out that i dont remember even a bit from the other shows#like ive been saying for years 'yeah i went to see him 3 times' but im only just repeating it as a fact but i dont have like. memory proof#of it happening?#and i lost some of my old concert tickets in the last 2 moves so i dont even have physical proof anymore i just have to trust that my#repeating started out as a correct fact and not a lie#which. i guess my brother is confirming it to me bc he even remembers me leaving for berlin so. 😐#i know i was extremely fucking depressed in 2015 and i know people are saying over and over depression leads to memory loss but damn#gerard and mcr have been so important to me for so long youd think this was significant enough to stick but i guess depression really just#eats everything up huh#idk.#its feels really weird hearing someone talk in so much detail abt something you were there for but you cant even remember it yourself#and its totally irrational but im a little angry that he remembers like you dont even care abt it its not even half as important to you as#it is to me why do you get to remember and i dont#mmmmmmmmmmmmmm#😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐#anyways hit like and subscribe for more oversharing of thing i should talk about in therapy instead of online
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hella1975 · 1 year
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thought about my old house for more than two seconds and almost cried so i did the smart thing and looked at the pictures of it on rightmove to see how the new owners (they have lived there since 2015) have completely ruined it (they redecorated) to the point it's unrecognisable (got an extension) and im literally ugly sobbing about it. they let my mother's garden die
#YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THERE USED TO BE CONIFERS THERE AND I REMEMBER CLIMBING SO FAR UP THEM#AND MY GRANDAD SEEING ME THROUGH THE BRANCHES AND SMILING AT ME AND SAYING 'HELLO' SO SOFTLY#BACK WHEN HE WAS NICE AND I REMEMBER THERE'S A BACK ALLEY BEHIND ALL THE GARDENS ON THE STREET#THAT YOU CANT SEE IN THE PHOTOS AND ME AND THE TWO BOYS NEAR ME USED TO SPEND HOURS AND HOURS#RUNNING ABOUT AND GETTING DIRTY AND BREAKING INTO THE NEIGHBOURS' GARDENS AND GETTING IN TROUBLE#AND NOW ONE IS IN A MILITARY SCHOOL BECAUSE HIS PARENTS GREW SCARED OF HIM#AND THE OTHER GOT INVOLVED IN GANGS AND GOT CAUGHT WITH A KNIFE IN SCHOOL BUT I SAW HIM AT THE LOCAL A FEW MONTHS AGO#AND HE'S STILL ONE OF THE SOFTEST BOYS IVE EVER MET AND HE SMILED AND SAID HE WAS GLAD I WAS DOING WELL#AND I REMEMBER RUNNING UP THE STAIRS WHEN MY MUM WAS ANGRY AND I REMEMBER RUNNING DOWN THE DRIVE#WHEN MY DAD CAME HOME AND I REMEMBER MY OLD DOG AND HOW MY MUM EXPLAINED THE NAMES BEHIND EVERY ROSE#I REMEMBER BEING SCARED OF THE CELLAR AND I REMEMBER LEARNING TO PLAIT MY OWN HAIR ON THE STAIRS#BECAUSE MY SISTER REFUSED TO TEACH ME AND I REMEMBER HOW COLD THE ATTIC WAS#I REMEMBER SLEEPING IN MY MUM'S BED AND I REMEMBER THE CAT DYING#I REMEMBER CLOSING MY EYES SO TIGHTLY BECAUSE I THOUGHT ID SEE SANTA AND THAT MEANT HE WOULDNT COME#I REMEMBER CRYING IN THE BATHROOM WHEN MY SISTER TOLD ME THE EASTER BUNNY WASNT REAL#I REMEMBER MY MUM BRUSHING MY HAIR IN THE KITCHEN BEFORE SCHOOL AND I REMEMBER HOW WE PAINTED THE WALLS#THAT'S MY HOUSE IT'S BUILT FROM ME AND NOW I CANT EVEN RECOGNISE IT#THAT WAS THE LAST PLACE I WAS TRULY HAPPY NOTHING BAD HAD EVER HAPPENED TO ME#AND NOW IT'S FOREIGN TO ME#im about to start dry-heaving this is evil and sick and twisted childhood homes come with their own ache i think#hella goes home#<- not quite but v much fits that tag
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uncreativebean · 11 months
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Growing up is realizing Sharpay and Ryan were done dirty by Troy and Gabriella's acoustic stripped version of their bops
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reikunrei · 1 year
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tatsuya kato was really the one carrying all the weight of fs2 like. the movie sucked ass but the music is still SO GOOD the ost for all of free! is so sososososooooo so so good
#listening to it and just Being Sad#that the movie just FLOPPED like there was SO MUCH POTENTIAL#they really should have had makoto get fucking hit by a fucking car smh#wouldve been 100000x better than whateverthefuck we got#i say things#edit: okay wwait im not done ranting#LIKE if youre gonna make it such a big thing for us to care about#kaede and his brother and azuma and have this whole tragic backstory for the brooding asshole coach#then MAKE IT HAVE A PURPOSE for the MAIN FUCKING CHARACTER#if youre gonna end up focusing on haru and leaving the underclassmen in the dust#then COMMIT TO IT!!!!#like seriously if they were gonna have this whole thing of kaede's brother no i dont remember his name bc i do not care#then have haru go thru the SAME THING that azuma did#it doesnt even have to be SUPER THE SAME#but like. come ON make haru have to CHOOSE between SWIMMING and SOMETHING ELSE#and that SOMETHING ELSE could have been HIS OWN HEALTH#but they DECIDED TO KEEP THAT OFF SCREEN!!!! FOR SOME REASSON!!!!!!#me: im upset but normal about fs2 again#me thinking about it for more than 2 seconds: i have never been so angry in my life#IT JUST!!!! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!!! WHAT DID THEY DO!!! WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!!#i just dont understand and i never will... it was so disappointing.....#go back. redo it. fuck all of this#am literally like about to buy into the conspiracy theory that bc tatsu cheated they changed a bunch of the movie#bc like. that happened before the first one was out right?????#and like. it would have been a bit insane. but also the animation industry doesnt care about animators#so they could have been like 'quick redo the whole 2nd one to make makoto in it less'#but like FOR WHAT PURPOSE god fucking shitting damnit#i was about to go to bed and now im all upset about this again aghdfjsgkdjhjfsdgkshdfkgfg#anyway i got away from my point#in short: they tried going 17 different directions and then didnt tie up any of them
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pendraegon · 2 years
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i'm so happy for you going to grad school! it weirdly makes me feel relieved as someone has always thought about it but felt like it was "too late." i hope that doesn't sound weird or like i'm calling you old sdsdf, i just mean that it can feel like you missed out if you didn't apply right out of undergrad. so many people younger than me are already a year or two into phd programs, and it just feels good to see someone make it happen a couple years later. so thank you and congrats!!!
🥺 first of all hello!!! and thank you so much for this sweet message omg it really means a lot to me to know that there were so many people cheering me on like ??? i don’t think i can quite put it into words but it really really warms my heart and i hope that whatever endeavor you're currently in that you're smashing it as well!!!!
but i TOTALLY get what you mean by feeling like it might be “too late” or feeling “too old” about grad school like….. i originally applied for a phd program wayyy back for fall 2020 in a field i didn't really have any background in and due to both covid + like. other factors im sure lol i didn't get in and it was a bit crushing there for a month or two i'm going to be honest. but i don't know... in hindsight it's like...i grew so much as a person even from the time i graduated undergrad till now, like i don't think the me in 2020 and me now in 2022 are comparable because even though i'm still the same at my core, the difference feels so vast in both how i think and how i react and how i subsequently handle things?? i feel like being able to have some time to not only invest in myself by treating myself better, by understanding myself better, by actually thinking about why i wanted to go to grad school and what i want to actually do (surprise surprise i'm going back for my MA in one of my undergrad majors alskjdfoksafda) and most importantly being able to have some experience outside of school it's all culminated in me being a lot clearer in what it is i want and being absolutely sure in if i REALLY do want it or not. undergrad was very difficult for me because i was pressured in doing a major at first that did not agree with me and i felt that i was always doing what people expected of me, and in a way, my initial PhD application back in 2020 was a manifestation of that as well... i think i mentioned it here briefly but i really did also feel uneasy in applying for a masters vs a phd but i talked to some professors and it seemed like the best course for me especially since i've been out of a school for a few years as well as it's a good test run to see if i actually WANT to do research (i'm pretty sure i do based off of that one grad seminar i took though lol)... like...i dunno, i used to stress so much about time and about losing it and not being enough but.....this is my road and i'm paving it and if i'm going at a difference pace than anyone, well, i'm going to have so much fun on the journey and whatever my destination will be i don't think i'll regret it because we're just on different trajectories and i don't think there's anything wrong with that at all.
#anyways. everyone listen to me. my cumulative undergrad gpa was a 2.99 bc of my first few years as an engineer student decimated me#AND i got put on academic probation as an engineering student and then i switched to doing what i was actually interested in regardless#of who said what or whatever and here i am now#in a fucking top 10 MA program like............#it's okay if you do badly. it's okay if you feel hopeless. it's okay if you feel like everything is going to shit. it's okay to feel angry#and sad and to cry. but always remember. what can you learn from this. what can you take from this.#what can you do to pick yourself up and become better? become more you??#im not ashamed at all really of my gpa or being on academic probation like. my engineering classes taught me a lot#both material wise and about how i handled problems in a way that my then two BAs didn't and like....i don't think#i would be quite the person i am now without it. i hope this doesn't come across as like...preachy or anything i just wanted#to point out that even when everything is hopeless and you feel like shit. you have to brush yourself up. even if you take one step forward#and two steps back. that's still progress. inch yourself across. dont give a shit what people think.#people who matter won't care about it and you shouldn't either. and remember!!!!!!! the destination's fun and all but have fun along the#way. if you don't have fun what's the point??#oh my god im so sorry this is so long ASODIFKLMASDFOA if u read all of this i love u#anon#anonymous
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