#i got to see my grandma in hospital

[potter-inthe-tardis]

...

#ive been able to dodge covid this whole time but now i finally got it 🤧🤧🤧 #and im miserable #and just frustrated because ive been trying so hard to avoid it #also my whole family has it too #so the whole house is a biohazard of sick people #and my grandma got it too and shes in the hospital so thats worrysome #but apparently shes doing okay #she didnt even go in for covid but they found that she got it and it was for the best she stay there for a while #and now everyone who takes care of her also has it #i think my uncle spread it to all of us he was recently traveling and he sees my grandma everyday #and just spits when he talks so i think it came from him but apparently the asshole isnt showing symptoms #which of couse the worst person i know isnt even a little miserable from covid #my post #i just had to rant somewhere about this

[andromedasummer]

finished my crochet cup holder and sewed up lunas ears, head and sewed them together and have started on crocheting a cactus which is pretty damn good considering i spent nearly all of saturday sleeping to recover from work and the family emergency happening rn

#im okay my grandad is being taken to hospital rn #theyve been working on his heart (hes had a triple bypass and a stent that failed ((think the surgery was botched)) but yeah doctors keeping #and eye on him and found his heart tried to fail twice this week and only the meds stopped it) so hes being taken the the hospital #they live on the other island so my uncle is driving 2 hrs in to look after my grandmother (who is who i actually assumed was sick when the #call came through because shes got a whole heap of problems like alzheimers and parkinsons) #but yeah my dad is gonna have to organize a flight down and i know that despite being short of breath my grandad was able #to give dad a call and let him know what was happening so hes not in a really bad state #but. yeah this is stressful! stressful thing to happen on whats supposed to be a holiday and i hope he just needs to stay overnight #because im coming down next month and i want him to be there. i want to see him. i want to see both of them and sleep in the side room #in the spare bed thats tucked just the way my grandma makes it #and have mashed potatoes and play board games and just. be around them #i know they dont have long left and i havent had to grieve a family member in my life before #i want them around just a bit more. just a little longer

[madigoround]

💜

#listen i really don’t want to ruin anyone’s holiday by being ms blues on main #it’s just that it really does help to get it out of my head and I can never keep a journal so feel free to ignore this and I hope you’re #having a merry Christmas if you celebrate and if not I hope you’re having a wonderful Monday #i just got off the phone with my grandma and I love her so much I just want to protect her from everything #and she’s been feeling really sad and heartbroken from all this with my aunt and not having any Christmas decorations at the hotel near the #hospital like she’s not complaining about there not being any decorations in general it’s just that it doesn’t feel joyful or comforting to #her at all and it’s been a tough Christmas and my great aunt is still on the ventilator sedated and it’s looking grim #and i am so scared not just for my great aunt but also because I can see it wearing down my grandma and she has her own significant health #issues I just want to make it all better for everyone #i want everyone in the world to be happy and surrounded by people they love and feel comfort #and it hurts that I can’t make that happen

[bugsbenefit]

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#killing myself and everyone else my grandma who we're taking care of was smart enough to go visit someone at the hospital #without putting a mask on #so she gave my mom covid for christmas 😑🎉 #pack it up everybody christmas is canceled #time for my immunocompromised dad and me to hole up in our rooms for the next week and pray to fuck he didn't catch it too #this is funnier if you're european btw because christmas is on the 24th not the 25th. so she literally got covid on christmas. nice #if it didn't cancel the whole holiday for us it'd be funnily impressive she managed to get it on the exact date #bc she tested yesterday and was still negative #also my grandma came over to us today. while still sick. to bring us a pan. and she was surprised we didn't want to talk to her at the door #...wow #anyways. christmas over for me this year #i usually only celebrate with my mom dad and grandparents and none of us are religious at all #but this blows so much christmas to new years is usually the only time everyone has time to see each other :( #anyways time to wait and see if my dad and i will get it too i guess #i rarely do the good old tag vent tumblr staple so lets shake it up for the holidays

[freebooter4ever]

its really hard to admit when the strongest people in your life are becoming frailer ;_;

#jrnlsht #thinking about how whem grandpa got in the hospital my dad shut down and refused to admit it was serious #and wouldnt come visit or help or anything :( #i never exactly blamed him for that but maybe i could have been more sympathetic #because for me seeing grandma like this is... a shock #especially since it was just august when we were exploring the botanical gardens and walking in the fields picking tomatoes

[drusic]

october is here and i am not ready lmfao

#i know this month is cursed for the fandom but my problem has to do w personal stuff #it would be my grandma’s bday on the 2nd and she passed on the 31sr #31st* so it’s this whole month of just. grieving #and it’s been six years and i’m so scared i’m forgetting her #i felt so guilty when i didn’t want to go to the hospital to see her but i was so scared she was gonna die in front of me #she passed peacefully with my mom by her side praying and asking her dad who passed away before i was born to just take her with him #and he did #and i’m glad i got to say goodbye in a way #she told me she loved me and that me and my brother and my cousin were the loves of her life #and i kissed her pretty face a million times #i miss her so much but i feel guilty cause it’s so hard for me to talk about her #and it makes me feel like i’m forgetting her #and i don’t want her or my family to think so #yaya i miss you. please come visit me in my dreams. please please please #grieving tw #*

[ghostzzy]

googles ‘how to stop feeling guilty all the time about everything’

#everywhere i turn i feel like i'm failing someone or myself #and every problem that arises out of oversight or neglect (which is a lot of them due to My Whole Deal) feels so huge and complicated. #like. my psychiatrist office sent me an email that if i dont make a followup appt by the end of the week they'll throw my file away. #the hospital from last summer is still sending me bills despite having paid them over 3k at the time #because my insurance is retroactively deciding not to cover things. #and now i've got debt collectors on my ass. #i need to order some things that will Help Me like a mini fridge and light sensitivity glasses #but i burned through so much money already this month and i don't know how to pick good objects so i Haven't. #i haven't called my grandma despite knowing she's going through hell with my grandpa still in rehab #because i haven't felt up to talking. #i don't see my brothers enough. i don't spend enough time with mishka. i don't spend enough time outside. #i don't read enough. i don't clean enough. i don't cook enough. #all because i am Tired. and Ill. and i have to Work for 8 hours a day. #uuruurgghhhhhh. i know if you do things they become done. but i am so overwhelmed and it'd be easier to just lay in the dark til i die. #chronic fatigue is a fucking nightmare from which i can never wake. it's not fucking fair. #izzy.txt

[layla-carstairs]

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#I can't sleep rn because of family drama I found out today 🧍🏻‍♀️ #one of my aunts is contesting my grandma's will and the person who is getting fucked over the most is my dad #she wants a share in our family farm despite never giving a shit & my dad being the only one who loves farming #might never see two of my aunts again 🤪 #one of them into qanon and stuff so it's not a huge loss but still #also potentially some of my cousins? idk qanon aunt has 7 kids but they're all adults now #some of them I will very surprised (& heartbroken) if they take their mom's side but idk idk #also the whole thing is stupid she apparently requested my grandpa will too like. that man has been dead since before I was born 😐 #there's no way you're going to be to contest that #also shockingly oldest aunt is on our side (dad and Uncle). she once told my grandma to stop spending their inheritance so 🥴 #my dad's side of my family is crazy I surprised they've made it this long without a rift #my grandparents literally tried to pay off my one aunts boyfriend lmao #same aunt who's contesting the will btw #she has issues ngl my grandparents didn't name her for weeks bc they wanted a boy 🙃 #but like she's 60 now & has a phd in psychology & her parents are dead! very very dead! #and she's taking it out on her brothers so #she's been trying to do this for years & told my mom as much when my dad was hospital 🧍🏻‍♀️ #also other qanon aunt is backing her up and she's got issues too #when her partner died she made their FOURTEEN YEAR OLD son the next of kin #my cousin had his dad autopsy addressed to him at 14 let that sink in #my grandma ended up organising and funding the whole funeral pretty much because my aunt refuse to do any of it because she was made at him🙃 #they had seven kids & she nearly didn't go to the funeral #it was really traumatic for them (obviously) and she made it worse. my cousin was handed the Irish flag at 11 w/o being told #my mom had to take him away bc how obviously broken he was #I should stop talking about this now #I might delete this later idk #bella talks

[writingpostmidnight]

i am so fucking mad at my mom

#vent // #i haven’t spoken to her in almost 5 years. #today i got a ride from a neighbor bc my uncle was working on our dirt road #and when i asked for the ride he was like yeah of course! you’re [my mom’s name]’s kid right? #living in the town my mom grew up in without her is wild bc of things like that #and he said ‘tell ur mom i said hi!’ and he must’ve seen my face fall or sumn bc he added ‘if u see her before i do…’ #you’re not gonna see her man #neither am i #my grandpa (her dad) is in the hospital probably not gonna make it home and my siblings and i are the ones taking care of my grandma #as much as i’d hate to see her ​she should fucking be here #the way she has this huge support system up here. a family that misses her and continues to reach out to her. old friends who still think #about her and happily give her kids rides bc i can drop her name #what the fuck happened #what do i do with this feeling? nothing. i can’t do anything with it but vent and write bc even tho she should fucking be here #i know things would be worse if she was #so i can never talk to her again until she sorts her shit out

[gothboudreaux]

merry christmas and happy holidays my loves!! i hope y’all’s day is filled with so much warmth and joy!! <333

#my postz #this is my very first christmas that I’m not spending with my family #I’m not even spending it with my friends #it’s just Hoby and I #I’m so lonely and sad lol #i didn’t get anything from my family #which I’m not upset about we don’t have any money #it’s just #hm #been a long year and I’m just tired #my grandma just got out the hospital yesterday so that’s good #I’m just moody and my sleep schedule is fucked and I’m gonna sleep the whole day away and I just stayed up all night playing overwatch lol #anywayz I’m just #it’s bad for me to be around my family but I can’t help but love and want to see them #i just can’t do it #i digress #luv y’all always I hope u guys have a very very good day… sincerely #<333

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

not my mum casually dropping that her best friend from high school (who we didn't know about) got pregnant with their maths teacher when she was 17 and then was forced to get married to him by her parents

#she had to study selectividad with a newborn to tend to #thankfully my mum told us they eventually got divorced and three years later the teacher died in a car accident #we counted and the baby girl she had will turn 40 next year #40 #my grandma told us my mum was very shook by this when it happened and it was very hard for her #i imagine she repressed all these thoughts for years #literally as she was telling us she could see my and my sister's faces and she went 'now i'm realizing how grave this was' #also apparently she asked this friend if she was pregnant one day in class #the girl started crying #and the next day she called her and told her if she could go to the hospital to meet her daughter she just delivered

[lilgynt]

met my half sister very weird experience but still losing my mind that grown ass women calls my dad dad were SIBLINGS

#personal #she also said something so transphobic randomly my MOM gave her side eye #like overall nice meeting her #definitely fucking weird #especially bc apparently i’m her twin like enough that she was visibly shocked seeing me #i don’t see it and have yet to ask my brother #not what i expected from childhood stories also properly learned her name like two days ago #but also definitely my dads child. like she said some things and i was like yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. #very affectionate but also. idk. #she spent most the trip hanging out and talking with my mom while not in the hospital which also weird bc #mom you throw out any letter she sends half sister you send said letters ignoring that my mom uses her maiden name #but soooo weird my mom was talking about our grandmother #also so weird. so weird they’re so close in age. girl why is my sister ur peer. #anyway and okay so we have the same dad whatever WE GOT THE SAME GRANDMA? WHAT THE FUCK. #it’s just weird like oh my god on a family tree we’d be in the same area oh my GOD. what. what.

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

.

#the tags on this post will be about death of a family member #just as a warning #you can skip over if that'll negatively affect you; its ok- put your mental health first #kee speaks #so my grandpa had a health scare this weekend #on Friday morning he couldn't breath #it was the one day i actually managed to leave for work at a decent time and I wound up following the ambulance to the farm #he was in hospital for about five days as they got the inflammation in his lungs down #they discharged him yesterday with new medications and a schedule to follow #so when he got back to the farm and we'd finished work for the day we went over and had happy hour with him #and now dad just called me at 5:30 AM (about half an hour ago) that grandpa passed away this morning #so that's both grandpas passing away within four months of each other #I'm still lying in bed rn #i dont think it's really hit me yet #but I'm comforted in the fact i was probably the last one to see him asides from grandma #and i gave him a big hug and told him i loved him before i left to go home #so yeah. #we'll see how much I'm around here the next few days #i might need distracting again so probably more than I think i will #but who knows. #on a positive note i won't have as much emotional heavy lifting to do like last time #my paternal grandpa who died in February only had one kid so me and my siblings were the only ones here to do the funeral stuff #but this side of the family has more siblings and thus i have nine other cousins to help with funeral arrangements #hopefully that means i wont need to get up on stage either cause that makes it so much worse for me #anyways. need to go find out if my cousins in another timezone have heard yet and if I need to call them

[ultraviolencced]

things are very very very bad ! :)

#like i’m literally in shock i don’t know how to live right now #get ready this is gonna be a whole ass book in the tags #*people that aren’t blood related but family bc my grandpa had someone working for him they became pals his wife and my grandma became pals #when they had kids my grandma would babysit and my mom would babysit and then i would be babysat by the girls my mom did she lived with us #for a while so yeah that’s the back story #she got pregnant while my mom was pregnant with my brother so mom had bro then a few months later i’ll call her m had her baby their name #was james and he became the newest member of the fam i visited them in the hospital when they were born and james and my bro became good pal #fast forward august 31st 2022 j passed away they did it themselves #friday was the service it was more of a celebration of life they already had the physical funeral and it was just immediate relatives #it was hard hearing their parents and their sister talk broke my heart #right after their sister spoke the music came back on and it was pilots it was the run and go and i broke down my sister had to go outside #it was really really fucking horrible to know that a queer kid i knew and loved died killed me #rewind to a few months ago my brother od’d on oxy he was in the hospital for 2 days it caused some physical damage to his heart enzymes #he got on antidepressants and a psychiatrist and seemed to be doing better #fast forward to saturday night he overdosed on street fentanyl he again went to the er and is now at a mental health center for a 72 hour #hold and after that we’re trying to find a rehab and mental health center #i grew up seeing what addiction does my uncle was a heroin addict from the time i was born until i was 16 or 17 so i saw some shit #and a lot of it fucked me up and i can’t see my brother go through that #my brother is the smartest mother fucker i know and fucking mental fucking illness fucking everything up like he earned 13 college credits #in 1 fucking day his japanese studies professor said my brother knew more than he did and fucking opiates fuck #and the sheriffs who searched his room found street fentanyl that they all had to have gloves bc it’s killing people in my town everyday #they said they literally get calls everyday because of this shit like i’m about to go find the piece of shit who sold it to him #and put my fucking 9 in his mouth and pull the trigger i’ll gladly go to prison for that tbfh #so that’s what happened with my brother and my non blood brother/cousin #now my fucking mom so she never goes to the doctor and me and my sister yell at her about it so she finally went to address her fucked up #neck and back well turns out she has degenerative disc disease same shit my grandma had basically her spine is crumbling #she also might have skin cancer and it could affect her throat and thyroid :) bc they saw something in her throat during her mri :) so fuck #and then there’s me and my crumbling jaw no joints without arthritis and brain tumor #and my sisters mental health is Not Good it hasn’t been for months and this is killing her and im so concerned for her #now all three siblings have been put on a 72 hour hold at some point :) sister at 12 or 13 me at 22(in there for my bday) now bro at 19

[learn-and-accept]

I'm back in the place I grew up for the first time since moving 6 months ago and it is so fucking weird and I have a lot of feelings

#firstly i am fucking exhausted #my girlfriend stayed over last night and i slept like 5 hours #i am so stressed #and my birth control has been fucking with my energy severally #secondly ive been on edge since I woke up #I've constantly been 15 seconds away from sobbing uncontrollably or bashing my head against a wall until my brain leaks out of my ear #my poor fucking girlfriend had to deal with me being overwhelmed and irritated and they were so lovely and just made me feel calm and loved #i also miss her so fucking much even though if i was still in ny i wouldn't be seeing them anyway #the drive was terrible we had like an hour of traffic because it was a holiday weekend and we completely forgot #and the whole reason im down in jersey is because my grandma's back in the hospital #so that's a whole cluster fuck i dont even feel like unpacking right now #and that's not even me having such weird and complex feelings about being back in a place i called home for 24 years #it's weird and it's a lot #on the bright side i got really really really good pizza and im getting phenomenal bagels in the morning #but im just so tired and overwhelmed and i want my girlfriend #personal

[youremyonlyhope]

I feel like I wasted my summer.

On paper I know I didn't. I worked for a month and a half at a place I've always wanted to work. I hung out with new friends more than I expected to. I hung out with old friends. I auditioned for a show and got a callback for the first time in my life (didn't get cast but that's fine). I finished a bunch of crochet and knitting projects.

I've even had nearly 2 weeks completely to myself because my parents are out of town. I basically became a hermit during that time. But the gig I thought I'd be working right now ended up falling through. I was happy at first to have nothing to do because April-July felt like it was full speed ahead with maybe 2 weeks of quiet in the middle. So having free time and not working for the last 6 or so weeks felt great.

But now that it's September, I feel so anxious. I have no gigs set up until October at the earliest unless something changes, so I have no income at the moment. My apartment is a mess and I'm overwhelmed since I need to tidy up at least a bit before my parents get back. My dishes are piling up because I get overwhelmed looking at them so I put it off, then I add more, then I get overwhelmed, then I put it off, rinse and repeat for over a week. I was supposed to go through a pile of old mail and I can't even look at it. I have plans the next two days so I NEED to clean up everything today, tomorrow night, or Monday. Or I could be a recluse and not do the plans tomorrow. I am honestly somewhat leaning that way. Though I know if I cancel to give myself more time to clean, I'll probably just sit in my apartment too anxious to even start and then feel even worse, and guilty for cancelling.

I LOVE autumn. I am really happy it's September. But September arriving reminds me that with summer ending, the free time doesn't feel as good. September has always been chaos month in my life because of school then college then my old job. Last year September was chaos because grandma was sick and I was going to Hawaii for my cousin's wedding and then I caught covid. This September is almost too calm. It's like it's empty.

I'm sure in a week or so when it starts getting cooler, I'll be glad again that I have this free time and probably take a billion long walks around and enjoy the fall air. But right now I am literally on the verge of an anxiety attack over dishes, recycling, and mail. Yay.

#it really does not help that either today or tomorrow marks 1 year from the last time i saw my grandma #since me being sick with covid meant i couldn't visit her in the hospital. #i was also avoiding visiting her because i did the same when grandpa was sick years ago. #and then when i got over covid i got a full time job (that dream job that only lasted 2 months) #so i had no time before she passed. and that anniversary is coming up in october. #so definitely grief is influencing all this anxiety #but at the same time i see the mess i've been making and just don't want to do anything about it at all #i'm gonna go blow some bubbles. that forces me to breathe in a calming way. it'll calm me down a bit #my therapist told me to just set a timer for 5 minutes and put as many dishes as i can in the washer in that time #and then to stop. or continue depending on how i feel. #so i'm gonna blow some bubbles. eat a snack of some kind. and then set a 5 minute timer.