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mypoisonedvine · 8 months

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𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 (part one) | neil lewis x reader

title comes from the song you already know by bombay bicycle club

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 | you've been best friends with neil basically your entire life, and secretly in love with him almost as long. will you ever find the courage to tell him the truth?

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 | 10k

𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | smut, angst, pining/unrequited love - 18+ only

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | alcohol consumption, 'kid' as a petname, reader being kind of a femcel, jonathan being kind of mvp??

Neil had asked you to make sure the Thriller section was alphabetized; sometimes you thought he was just giving you tasks to look busy, but then again, you could probably use it since the employees of Gumshoe Video never looked very busy. You spent most of the day on the couches, watching whatever old bizarre gem Neil put on— sometimes you thought he only had employees other than himself so that he could pay people to sit here and watch this stuff with him.

But, the point is, you were sorting tapes. Because everyone needs their VHS thriller movies to be in perfect alphabetical order.

There actually was a customer in the store, for once, so it was better not to be on the couch anyhow. You hadn’t really noticed him when he came in, but as he wandered around the shelves, he seemed to drift towards you.

You tried to ignore him when he stopped right beside you— and kneeling to look at the lowest shelf, he towered over you— but when you stood up he got your attention.

"Need any help, sweetheart?" he asked, leaning in a little too close. "I'm kind of a movie buff."

He had a frat guy kind of look about him— polo, boat shoes, quaffed blonde hair. He could be good-looking, you thought, if he didn’t dress like a discount Abercrombie model… and if he didn’t hit on random women at the video store. "I actually work here," you corrected, barely looking up from your task. This is why we need uniforms instead of just dressing up to promote specials…

"Oh, really?" he smirked. "What made you wanna work in a place like this?"

"My best friend owns the place," you explained, "and I'm, you know… kind of a movie buff."

"Right," he said, not seeming convinced. "You like Kubrick?"

You rolled your eyes so hard you almost choked: Wow, what a deep cut. But you kept a straight-ish face when you looked at him. "Yeah, he's pretty good. Don't care for how he treats his actors, but he was certainly a visionary."

"What are your top five favorite Kubrick movies?"

You knew this guy was a tool, but you were still a bit shocked that he actually had the gall to quiz you. "Excuse me?" you scoffed incredulously.

"Can you even name five?" he asked, looking horribly proud of himself, and you straightened up as you glared at him.

"You're heterosexual, right?" you asked him, getting a confused nod. "Can you name five women you've made come?"

Neil watched the guy storm out, Lucien cringed a bit from behind the register— and Jonathan, not seeming as if he had been paying attention at all, kept laying across the couch and tossing a ball up in the air to catch and throw again.

“Okay, that’s gotta be the third this week,” Lucien groaned. “What are you saying to these guys?”

“Nothing worse than what they’re saying to me,” you assured with a frustrated, sarcastic smile.

“Listen, don’t get me wrong,” Neil began, “that guy totally deserved it— but maybe, you know… work on your demeanor with customers?”

“Wow,” you scoffed as you crossed your arms, “do you think I should smile more, too?”

“Wha— no!” Neil denied.

“Yes,” Lucien said at the same time, though he changed his answer with an awkward cough and mumble when you both shot him a look. “No, no— you’re good— you smile too much, even…”

“I don’t mean it like that,” Neil promised. “But I think half the guys that come here are just coming here to see you! Nobody even rents movies anymore.” He groaned a little, dropping his shoulders defeatedly. “Can’t you… tell them you’ll go out with them if they rent something?”

“What?!” you squeaked. “No!”

“Sales would double,” Lucien nodded.

“No,” you said again. “I’m not letting you pimp me out to sell tapes, Neil.”

“I just mean— maybe you don’t really go out with them,” he suggested. “Just… allude to the fact that you’re only interested in guys who…”

He trailed off as he searched around the shelves for a bit, smiling when he snagged a copy of The Maltese Falcon.

“— in guys who like The Maltese Falcon,” he grinned, “you know— for example. Then they rent it to impress you and we make a few bucks.”

“I am only interested in guys who like The Maltese Falcon,” you frowned, snatching the tape away and shoving it back on the shelf. “But that’s not the point.”

“Maybe you have to be more straightforward, you know,” Jonathan butted in as he sat up, “guys are dumb.”

“Yeah!” Neil agreed a little too easily.

“Just say something about how a massive VHS collection turns you on,” Lucien suggested, and you glared at him.

“Jesus!” you protested, but Neil tried to soothe you a bit.

"C'mon, kid, can't you just… flirt a little? Get our sales up?"

He'd started calling you kid since you two watched Casablanca together— which was especially stupid as you were both twelve at the time. At first you complained because he shouldn't be calling you kid with you both being kids; then you complained because neither of you were kids; and then you gave up. You still punched Lucien for trying to call you that once… you only barely let Neil get away with it anyways.

But you let Neil get away with a lot. It was a side effect of being secretly, but massively, in love with him.

It had been an issue since middle school— that was when the two of you became such good friends. Technically, you’d known each other since first grade (where you had shared your crayons, a true test of friendship at the time), and you’d sort of had a crush on him as early as elementary school (mainly because he was the only boy you could stand at the time), but it all kicked into high gear in seventh grade. That was when you became inseparable, when you got in trouble together, when you stayed up all night watching movies, when you went through all of life’s ups and downs together: you even went to prom together, platonically of course.

As for your feelings, you’d managed to hide them this long and still be his best friend, even when it sometimes felt like letting him stomp all over your heart without even trying. Honestly, the only thing harder than being in love with Neil was trying not to be in love with Neil: you adored his sense of humor, his generosity, his sensitivity— and he’d been there for you through the things you couldn’t have imagined surviving alone. That kinda stuff bonds you to somebody… and when that somebody has the most gorgeous eyes you’ve ever seen, it’s hard not to fall in love.

“Maybe I would flirt if I knew how,” you offered. “But I’m not exactly, you know, flirty.”

“How hard could it be?” Jonathan interjected. “Just, you know—”

You stared in quiet disbelief as Jonathan attempted to push his chest together with his arms. It wasn’t quite working, of course, and the rest of you watched on as he fumbled around trying to force some cleavage. “You look like an idiot,” you finally informed him after letting him do it for a minute.

“But is he wrong?” Lucien wondered.

“So, what, you guys really think that if I just went up to customers and—” you pushed your breasts together with your arms, accentuating them significantly in your tank top.

“That would work,” all three men asserted in unison before you could even finish.

“I fucking hate you guys,” you grumbled under your breath as you walked to the back, deciding to take your break in Neil’s office until these guys got their act together.

You never stayed gone for long, though— as idiotic as they could be, your friends were certainly charming. They won you back with a promise to let you pick what tape to put on, and the four of you ended up laying on the couches watching Roman Holiday.

When the movie was almost over, you rested your head on Neil’s shoulder; you guys did stuff like that, it was normal for you, but it always made your heart skip anyways.

This time, you were all hanging out at Jonathan’s primary workplace: the club. In fact, it was a much larger crowd than just you and the guys— plenty of your local friends and loyal supporters of Gumshoe Video, all sitting around a big table while someone’s mediocre cover band took the stage.

"So, uh, me and Denise broke up," Neil said suddenly, going back in for another swig of beer right after.

The others offered their mild shock and half-hearted condolences, but you knew it was going to happen— he'd told you before he did it. You tried to tell him that paying off a waiter to spill water on her was a weird way to prove what he already knew, but you couldn't disagree with his conclusion. She was definitely difficult, and shockingly judgemental for someone who managed to date a video store owner for this long.

“No, it’s fine, it’s fine,” he promised, “I don’t think anybody’s too surprised, right?”

There was an awkward hesitation among the group as they wondered if they should lie, or just fess up now that he was obviously accurate. You broke the silence to suggest someone go get another round of drinks for the table, and even though that was pretty much a one-man job, nearly everyone agreed and quickly shuffled off— leaving just you, Neil, and Lucien.

“I guess tonight’s your chance to meet somebody new, don’t you think?” Lucien suggested. “Get over Denise, you know.”

“I think I’m already over Denise,” Neil decided.

“And if I told you that girl back there,” Lucien returned, pointing with the hand still holding his drink, “has been looking over here at you for the past ten minutes?”

You glanced where Lucien was pointing as well, seeing a girl in a denim mini skirt and massive hoop earrings settle her eyes on Neil before looking away quickly with a lip-gloss lacquered smile.

“I think I need some help getting over Denise,” Neil agreed suddenly, patting Lucien on the back before he left the table.

You wanted to pout, but you were used to this— he was good-looking, he got a lot of attention from women in places like this… it usually didn’t work out for him, though. Certainly not never, probably more often than most guys, but… definitely not every time.

You tried not to look over too much, you didn’t want to get caught spying or, even worse, looking a little jealous— but you noticed that every time you looked over at them, Neil was talking. That was his problem, see: he never fucking shuts up. Guys, girls, anybody who will listen— if you admit to not knowing about his favorite fifty-year-old spaghetti western or the most recent pre-Code horror comedy he watched, he’ll gladly blab to you about it for ages. The first time you glanced at them, you saw her giving him doe eyes, laughing at something he said— and the last time, those eyes had glazed over and her laugh seemed more nervous and confused; you smirked to yourself. He’s still Neil…

“So, um,” you struck up a conversation with Lucien, “what about you? Anybody here catching your eye?”

“That’s actually the perfect descriptor of my type,” he replied. “Anybody.”

You snorted. “Then you should go, you know, talk to anybody?”

He shrugged and frowned a bit, and it was a simple movement but you understood completely.

The band started to play a new song, something upbeat and energetic, and you smiled. “Wanna dance with me?”

“Oh, I don’t think I’m drunk enough for that—” Lucien began to protest, but a minute later you were dragging him up by the stage. Neither of you were actually any good at dancing, mainly you were just kind of jumping and flailing around together, but it was fun and that was the point.

Eventually, more of your friends wandered in to join you; when the song ended, everyone clapped and cheered, the band bowing in gratitude. You only stole one more look over at Neil and his conversation partner, watching her interrupt his rant with a hand on his shoulder: your throat felt a little dry. You just hoped what she was saying was more like hey, my friends are leaving, I’ve gotta go and not hey, wanna come over to my place so you can keep explaining German expressionism to me?

Your heart dropped when he reached for her— what if he kissed her now? What if he wrapped her up under his arm and they walked out together? What if you had to spend the whole night thinking about him having sex with her?

“Hey, we should ask them if they know any Strokes songs!” Lucien suggested, tugging on your arm to get your attention, but your mind was elsewhere.

“Uh huh, yeah,” you mumbled blankly, and he frowned at you.

“What’s going on?” he asked, trying to look for what you were seeing; but Neil wasn’t reaching for her, he was lifting his hand to wave goodbye as she left. You beamed, even though you did feel a little bad when you saw Neil’s shoulders sink— it’s not that you wanted him to be alone forever, you were just relieved that you might have a few more moments to breathe before he got with somebody again.

“Nothing, sorry,” you answered Lucien, giving him your attention again. “What’d you say?”

“We should ask the band if they—”

And immediately, Lucien lost your focus as you couldn’t stop yourself from looking at Neil again— he was already looking at you, seeing you all on the dancefloor. You waved for him to join you, and he smiled as he made his way towards the stage. A new song began, even louder than the last, and you could blame that for not hearing Lucien’s question for the second time in a row.

Although he danced with you all for a few moments, Neil draped his arms over your and Lucien’s shoulders, nearly yelling to be heard over the music.

“You guys are coming over tonight for a movie, right?” he presumed. “Jonathan’s working ‘til late so he’s out, but—”

“Sorry, I’ve gotta be up early,” Lucien explained, “my brother and his wife are visiting, remember? We’re getting brunch and—”

“Whatever, party pooper,” Neil frowned, before suddenly smiling at you. “Guess it’s just me and you, huh, kid?”

You tried not to sigh too noticeably through your smile. “Yeah, me and you…” you agreed.

As you groggily blinked your eyes open, you found Neil staring at you, his face uncomfortably close to yours, with a big smile. “Mornin’, kid,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

You yelped and nearly jumped out of your skin while he laughed. “Jesus Christ, Neil!” you shouted, kicking off the blanket on you— and then you began to process where you were and why. “God,” you groaned as you held your head in your hands, while Neil kept laughing at you, “did I fall asleep on the couch again?”

It was sort of a rhetorical question— obviously you had, it would be much stranger if you woke up on the video store couch without having fallen asleep there. “Yeah,” he said, standing up and sighing a bit, “but you didn’t miss that much of the movie.”

“What happened at the end?” you asked, stretching your legs and snatching the blanket off the floor to fold up; Neil must have put it on you after you dozed off.

“No, we can finish it later,” he decided, walking up to the register, and you groaned.

“Seriously? Not even falling asleep gets me out of finishing The Man Who Laughs?”

He smiled a little as he started prepping the store for open. “Nope,” he said proudly, popping his lips on the p sound.

“It’s not that I didn’t like it,” you assured, getting up and trying to ignore the soreness in your back from sleeping on a ratty old sofa all night— you remembered helping Neil carry this thing from where he found it on the side of the road. Considering you knew where it came from, it was a wonder you ever sat on it, let alone slept on it… but this happened relatively often. Sometimes it almost felt like you slept easier here or at Neil’s apartment than your own.

You stood up and stretched your arms, sparing a glance over at him.

“Can I run home and change?” you asked, and he frowned.

“We open in ten minutes,” he noticed, “you won’t be back in time.”

“Yes, and who will serve the clamoring crowds that await our open outside?” you rolled your eyes, gesturing out the storefront to the abandoned sidewalk. “You can handle it on your own.”

“Just go to my place,” he shrugged, “it’s closer. And I think you left some jeans there anyway.”

Right— you’d borrowed a pair of his sweats to get comfy for a movie night, and forgot to take the jeans back when you left. You yourself had one of Neil’s short-sleeve button-ups at your place, when you’d both changed there for a costume party, but you let him believe it was just lost… it was too late to tell him now that you had it, ‘cause then he might ask why you kept it so long and then he might, somehow, deduce that you had been cuddling it at night from time to time…

“Right, okay,” you nodded, “but I still need a shirt.”

“Just borrow one of mine,” he said, like it was no big deal at all and didn’t make your heart skip.

For a second you wondered if you should protest— if he was still dating Denise, you probably would’ve said something. But you decided not to say anything, in case he changed his mind; you nearly bolted out of the store and down the two blocks to his apartment.

Your jeans were on the dresser, draped haphazardly in their same just-peeled-off shape you must have left them in last week. You grumbled to yourself a little about how he could’ve folded them for you so they wouldn’t be wrinkled… but then again, all his jeans were wrinkled, so he clearly didn’t know any better.

And now the fun part: picking a shirt. You smiled to yourself as you opened the drawer, perusing through t-shirts with old movie posters and semi-witty slogans… cute, sure, but those were pretty similar to what you already wore.

But the button-downs? Those were quintessential Neil, and you'd be wasting an opportunity if you didn't put one of those on.

You felt a little giddy as you opened the next drawer down and found them all folded. The first one you saw had light blue and white stripes, so you snatched it up and slipped it on.

The fit was definitely off, but you let yourself indulge in a fantasy for a moment: waking up here, in Neil's bed… in Neil's arms. You'd slip on his shirt while you went to find some breakfast, and he'd hum something about how pretty you look in his clothes, and you'd end up tangled in the sheets again not too much later.

Sighing to yourself, you buttoned the last button, leaving the two at the top undone so you didn't look too formal, and headed back to the store for opening.

Neil stared at you for a second when you walked in— at the shirt, specifically. You waited for him to say something, but he didn't. "What, should I not wear this one?" you asked, looking down at it as well, and he shook his head.

"No, no, it's fine— sorry," he mumbled, "just start sorting out last night's returns, please."

You definitely got a much stronger reaction from Jonathan, as soon as he walked in the door.

(Why was he here when he wasn't even working today? Who knows— he was just always here somehow.)

“Hey! You look even more like a lesbian than usual,” Jonathan greeted with a peppy fake-smile as he approached you, and you smirked a bit.

“Don’t blame me, it’s his shirt,” you nodded towards Neil.

“See, I told you you dress like a— wait,” Jonathan stopped mid-insult, looking back at you, then at Neil again, then at you; he pointed his fingers at each of you, crossing them back and forth. “Did… you two…?”

You narrowed your eyes, waiting for him to explain what he meant.

“Did you guys hook up?!” Jonathan accused, wide-eyed.

You felt your face getting warm, and you stammered out your denial; Neil started waving his hands in disagreement as well, but Jonathan was already on a roll.

“Oh my god!” he yelped. “The one time I miss movie night here and it gets freaky! Should’ve known better than to leave you two lovebirds alone—”

“Jonathan, we didn’t—” you choked.

“It’s not— it wasn’t—” Neil butted in. “She just borrowed my shirt! ‘Cause she— because—”

“I mean, we’ve kinda all been waiting for this to happen— but I never really thought it would,” Jonathan steamrolled along. “Well, yeah, I guess I thought it would, I just—”

“Wait wait wait, what?” Neil shook his head, stepping up closer to the two of you. “What does that mean?”

Finally, he seemed to get Jonathan’s attention, who began to nervously backtrack as both of you stared at him. “W-well, I just mean—” he started.

“And who’s ‘we all’?” Neil noticed. “This isn’t just you, thinking this?”

“I… I mean,” Jonathan scoffed, “you know— just, just some people… we thought that maybe… that since you two are so close, that you might—”

“Wow,” Neil chuckled, crossing his arms in disappointment. “You know, that’s so reductive. For a bunch of progressive, free-thinking hipsters—” he waved his hands as he said it in a mocking way— “you’re really just, like… like… you know, not! ‘Cause apparently men and women can’t really be friends?”

“No, come on, not like that,” Jonathan denied, “of course we can—”

“I mean, you’re her friend, you’re both single,” Neil noticed, gesturing between the two of you, “why don’t you two, just, you know… hook up!”

You cringed a little as Jonathan tugged at his collar nervously. “Well, I—”

“Come on, why not?” Neil went on, smiling at the suggestion even though he was clearly unamused. “I mean, she’s nice, she’s pretty, she’s got a vagina— why don’t you hit on her?”

“Hey, come on, Neil,” Jonathan sighed, “I’m well aware she’s got a vagina—”

“So what’s the problem?” Neil insisted. “Clearly you can’t just be friends with someone with a vagina—”

“I would really prefer if we didn’t talk about my vagina anymore,” you mumbled nervously.

“— how come you never hit on her, Jonny?” Neil pressed, backing him into a corner metaphorically— but also somewhat literally, he was leaning in and Jonathan was pressing his back more and more against the shelves.

“You really want me to answer that?” Jonathan replied, almost threatening. That made you furrow your brow a bit. It seemed like a rhetorical question, Neil trying to prove a point, but you didn’t expect Jonathan to have a literal answer.

“Yeah, sure,” Neil decided, “enlighten us.”

Neil glanced at you, like you were just as gung-ho about this interrogation, but you were feeling a little sick. You understood the spirit of Neil’s argument— and technically, you agreed with him— but it still stung to see him so incensed at the suggestion of you two together. You were trying not to take it personally, it wasn’t like he was disgusted by you or anything… he even said just now that you were pretty, and he’d told you that before, but… it still bothered you a little, for reasons you couldn’t quite describe and that you were sure were illogical.

“I never hit on her,” Jonathan answered, lowering his voice, “because I… I figured it would piss you off.”

That seemed to surprise you both, maybe for different reasons; you bit your lip to suppress a smile. Did Jonathan really think Neil was that protective over you? “Why would it piss me off?” Neil wondered, but he sounded a little defensive— defensive in a caught-red-handed sort of way.

“I… I don’t know,” Jonathan shrugged. “That’s just the vibe I got, okay? That she’s sorta… off-limits.”

Neil hesitated. “Well… she’s not,” he decided. “You’re grown-ups. Whatever you wanna do is none of my business— as long as you’re not being, you know, creepy or an asshole.”

“Of course,” Jonathan agreed, most of the tension settling as Neil backed up a step.

“Okay, well, ask her out then,” Neil instructed firmly.

“I didn’t say I wanted to!” Jonathan sputtered.

“Neil, Jesus!” you complained simultaneously, and he seemed to relent, shrugging as he walked back to the register.

“Sorry, sorry,” he dismissed, “just letting you know it’s… fine with me!”

You rolled your eyes a bit and looked back at Jonathan. “Sorry,” you offered him quietly, “he’s… I don’t know. He gets weird about that.”

“Oh really?” Jonathan scoffed sarcastically. “Didn’t notice.”

“The real reason you shouldn’t be hitting on me is because we’re coworkers, by the way,” you reminded him.

“Hey, I only work here part-time,” Jonathan noticed, “so I think that means it’s cool as long as we only go out part-time.”

You snorted, but he seemed to get nervous.

“You know I’m kidding, right?” he added quickly, and you nodded with a laugh.

"You know, I was thinking— we don't have many events at the store these days,” Neil mumbled around a bite of pretzel, watching you play your turn at Skee Ball. Normally he would put coins in the machine beside yours and try to beat your score, but the other machine was out of order and you decided to take a relay race approach. “What if we did, like, I don’t know… maybe a double feature for a couple bucks?”

“Neil, we show movies every night,” you sighed, “and we invite everybody, and ninety-nine percent of the time it’s just some combination of me, you, Jonathan, and Lucien.”

“Yeah, but this time we could do movies that more people like— a little easier to watch,” he suggested, “something that would get new people in the store.”

“New people don’t wanna sit on a musty old couch with strangers,” you reminded him, and he nodded as he chewed and swallowed his next bite.

“You’re right,” he agreed, holding the pretzel out towards you. “Wanna bite?”

You were trying to get through your skee balls pretty quick, so you just leaned your head over and chomped down on the end of one of the twists while he held it for you. You hummed in appreciation— it was pretty good, fresher than the last one you guys got here.

Visits to the arcade used to be your thing, back in high school (aside from watching movies, but that was a given). Then you slowed down with the trips, feeling a little old and out of place surrounded by kids— but the problem was, this place wasn’t filled with kids anymore. It hadn’t changed much at all since you were both in high school, and that was exactly the issue: it was old, run-down, a bit grimey… kids weren’t coming to arcades anymore anyways, they were all on the Internet apparently. So, while you and Neil sort of appreciated having the place to yourself, it also broke your heart knowing your old haunt couldn’t hold itself together forever… you two visited not just to recapture some old childhood joys, but to try to do your part to keep the business afloat.

You pretended to like being here— because you really did want to support the place, and Neil wanted to keep coming back— but it actually made you pretty fucking sad. Surrounded by all the neon, the noisy pinball machines, the Dig Dug machine that had a fifty-fifty chance of stealing your quarters, the photobooth (you still had some strips from that thing pinned to your wall, some so old that they’d faded from the sunlight that came in your window each day); it all felt sort of eerie now. You would’ve never known all those years ago how little this place would change, even though you never expected it to— you would’ve never known how little anything would change. Neil was still by your side, but still so far away… if you could talk to that fourteen-year-old girl now, you would warn her that no amount of time spent running around this place and playing Street Fighter was going to make Neil love her, or you.

But here you were anyways. “Woo!” you cheered when your final score came through: 50,765. “Beat that!”

Neil set the pretzel down on the bar-height table (on a pile of napkins, don’t worry, neither of you trusted those tables that much) and brushed the salt off his hands with a scoff. “Oh please, I can beat that with my eyes closed,” he assured as you crossed your arms.

As he put his quarters in and stepped up to the game, you smiled wide. “Alright, if you say so.”

You came up behind him and covered his eyes with your hands, making him jump and then laugh. “What are you doing?”

“Just keeping you honest,” you giggled, holding on tight even when he tried to move his head around so that he could see.

He did his best, usually struggling to even find where the balls were coming down more than rolling them decently— but after the first three went in the gutter without even scoring, you knew he didn’t stand a chance. He did score a few times, but when the buzzer went off and he lifted your hands from his eyes, he laughed at the pitiful 1,150 on the board.

“Ohh, that’s too bad,” you winced, “guess you’re just full of it.”

Still holding your hands away from his face, he spun around and twirled under your arms like you were dancing for a moment; it ended with him face-to-face with you, swinging your hands back and forth a bit to force you to twist with him slightly. “Wanna play Street Fighter next?” he suggested quickly. “I know I can beat you at that.”

The giddy joy of the moment dropped and shattered; if you thought about it too much, you probably could’ve cried right then. As pathetic, yet oddly aesthetically pleasing, as it would be to cry in an arcade, you swallowed down the emotion and smiled back at him. “Yeah, okay,” you agreed.

You’d been a little antsy all day— Neil seemed to notice, asking a couple times if you were okay, but you just nodded and shrugged it off. He had a sense for when you were lying; but that’s the thing, you weren’t lying, really. You just weren’t sure what to say. You weren’t sure if you should say anything. And yet, you felt a little guilty not telling him everything that was going on with you— not just guilty, but plain weird. Because you usually did tell him everything— except, you know, the thing— but you didn’t know if you should talk about this. Not that you couldn’t— but should you?

So you were sort of gnawing on your lip most of the day, keeping yourself busy with tallying late fees behind the desk, trying to keep conversation light and meaningless: thankfully, in that regard, Jonathan and Lucien made it pretty easy.

“Okay: fuck, marry, kill,” Jonathan began, “Dracula, the Mummy, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon.”

“Dude, I can’t answer that,” Lucien refused.

“Okay, then Neil, what would you do?” Jonathan changed his target.

“Um, well,” Neil pondered, “I think I’d have to kill Dracula— spare the world from that evil, you know— and I guess I’d marry the Mummy—”

“Freud would like to have a word,” Lucien butted in.

“And I’d fuck the Creature from the Black Lagoon,” he concluded, “out of morbid curiosity.”

You snorted, but didn’t look up from your clipboard. “You come up with one that Lucien will do,” Jonathan challenged Neil.

“Alright, uhh, let’s see…” Neil stalled as he thought, looking up at the ceiling and stroking his chin dramatically. “Fuck, marry, kill: Sarah Carter, Ripley, and Trinity from Matrix.”

“Okay, see, that’s a real challenge,” Lucien affirmed. “If I marry Trinity, do I have to live in the post-apocalyptic wasteland or can she live here?”

“You’d have to live in the Matrix,” Jonathan announced, like it was obvious.

“Hm,” Lucien pondered, “do I know it’s a false reality? Does she know?”

“She knows, you don’t,” Neil decided.

“Is she gonna tell me? What if she has another guy on the side in the real world?”

“Okay, you’re overthinking this,” Jonathan groaned.

“And is this the Sarah Carter that’s already had John? ‘Cause if not, I can’t kill her, or the human revolution stands no chance— but if she has him, I can’t marry her, ‘cause I’m not ready to be a stepfather—”

“You’re useless,” Jonathan informed him flatly.

“Well, it’s easy then,” you offered, still tallying fees on the printed table. “You fuck Carter, marry Ripley and kill Trinity.”

“Yeah, I guess that works,” Lucien shrugged.

“If you’re so good at this game, you should play,” Jonathan decided. You looked up from your work for once, finding Lucien looking excited at the idea and Neil looking a little nervous but intrigued.

“I’ve got one for you,” Lucien decided, looking concerningly smug. “Fuck, marry, kill: the three of us.”

Jonathan let out a giddy ‘ooh’ and Neil raised his eyebrows. “Oh— I don’t know— that’s too weird,” you shook your head, “it’s different, you’re real—”

“Wait, wait,” Neil interrupted, “now I wanna know.”

You froze for a second, wondering if you should double down on not participating, or if you should tell him the first thing that popped in your head: am I allowed to do all three to you?

Instead, you set the clipboard down and crossed your legs, and the men seemed to straighten up as they prepared for your answer. “Alright,” you said, looking at them for a lingering moment before sighing. “I think I’d fuck Jonathan, and then kill myself.”

“Yes,” Jonathan hissed, shaking his fist triumphantly.

“Dude, really?” Lucien snapped at him. “That didn’t sound like a compliment to me.”

“Don’t care, I stopped listening after ‘fuck Jonathan’,” he replied. “Alright, Neil, you’re gonna have to make good on that ‘she’s not off-limits’ promise you made to me—”

But Neil wasn’t listening to Jonathan, he was still looking at you. “Wait— you wouldn’t marry me?” Neil interrupted, putting a hand on the desk and leaning in a bit closer— he looked half-amused and half-offended, and your heart skipped a beat.

“Um…” you started to wonder how to defend yourself from that. What did he expect you to say? Yes, I’d marry you, I’ve actually been planning our wedding since junior year.

“Hold on,” Lucien stopped you, “if she fucks you and marries you, that means I’m getting killed!”

“Yeah, so?” Jonathan smirked.

“What, you don’t think I’m marriage material?” Neil laughed… but he didn’t seem like he was really joking, per se. He didn’t seem serious either, of course, but you decided to take his question seriously since he’d dared to ask it twice.

“Well,” you mumbled, “no. I don’t.”

Then he seemed a bit more serious, adjusting his posture a bit. “Why not?”

“I mean… you’re my best friend,” you reminded him, “but… you’re not reliable.”

He nodded, pursing his lips together.

“You’re not ready for marriage,” you continued. “I mean, I think you’re just as sure of that as I am.”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“And honestly? You’re a great friend and all, but… if you were my husband, I don’t think I could really… you know, trust you…”

The silence seemed a little heavy— all the men were sort of frozen for a second, you wondered if you should wave your arm around to make sure time hadn’t stopped. But they did move, Neil first in fact, as he stopped leaning on the counter and nodded a little.

“I’m just surprised that you didn’t fuck Dracula,” Jonathan said to Neil in an attempt to cut the tension, “considering your massive man-crush on Bela Lugosi.”

“Hey, that reminds me, tonight’s movie is Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla,” Neil announced, apparently shaking off whatever odd energy he’d picked up just before, “you in?”

“Yeah, sure,” Jonathan nodded, “should I bring drinks?”

“Uhh, yeah, why not?” Neil agreed.

“Is a six-pack enough?”

"Uh, maybe…” Neil considered, turning over his shoulder to look at you. “Kid, how many beers are you gonna want?”

You swallowed nervously. “Um, I… well, I’m not coming. I’ve got a date, actually.”

Of course it was just assumed that you would be there; you felt a little guilty admitting you wouldn’t, to the point that you almost considered just skipping said date and staying to avoid the awkwardness.

“Hey, great!” Jonathan said proudly, throwing his arms out wide.

“A date, huh?” Neil noticed, looking happily surprised. “Sorry, I— I didn’t know— you didn’t say anything—”

“No, it’s cool,” you shook your head, “it’s kind of a last minute thing… you know how they’re showing Rope at the Palace tonight? I met this, um, this guy the other day and we got to talking, and I asked him if he’d wanna come with me.”

“Rope, wow, that’s a great first date movie,” Neil nodded approvingly, “that sounds perfect.”

“Yeah— he hasn’t seen it, actually,” you admitted, smiling nervously, “so I guess how much he likes it will kinda be a good judge of if he’s worth going out again, right?”

Jonathan nodded approvingly, but Neil seemed skeptical. "Well, the showing isn't until nine— you can at least hang out until the movie starts, right?"

"I've gotta get home and get changed!" you explained

"You can't wear that to a date?" Julien wondered.

"No!" you scoffed, looking down at your ripped jeans and Dracula t-shirt. "Besides, I have this whole plan of what I'm gonna wear— remember when we did Bonnie and Clyde for Halloween?"

Neil was Bonnie and you were Clyde, in fact; he looked shockingly good in that blood-red lipstick, you tried to convince him to wear it again but he insisted it was a one-night-only situation.

"I figure if I wear my Clyde suit, I'll look kinda like James Stewart!"

"You're doing drag on a first date?" Lucien pressed, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, lighten up, I'm just dressing up for the movie— I'll still, you know, try to look pretty," you assured. "What, I don't look good in a suit? 'Cause I got a lot of compliments on Halloween—"

"No, hey, go for it," Jonathan decided, "it's festive!"

"I think it's cool," Neil agreed. "Have fun, alright? And if he creeps you out or something, call the store number and I'll come get you."

"I'm not really worried about—"

"You know? Just call the store when you get home," Neil decided, "so I'll know you didn't get murdered."

"Dude, chill," you groaned. "We're going to the movies, not, I don't know… hiking off-trail in the middle of the night."

You never agreed to call, but you did him one better: you ended up coming back to the video store afterwards, a bit over two hours later. Of course, the guys were still on the couch— apparently the movie was over but they were watching anime (undoubtedly something Jonathan had brought as a palate cleanser after the movie).

They all looked over at you when you came in the front door and the little bell rang; they seemed excited to see you, and presumably to interrogate you about the date. You sighed, knowing you couldn't have expected anything else, but you'd come here hoping they'd let you watch something with them so you could stop thinking about the date.

“How’d it go, hot stuff?” Jonathan purred, and you rolled your eyes as Lucien wolf-whistled.

“Oh yeah, it was awesome, best first date ever— I’m at his place having sex with him right now,” you frowned as you tossed your purse down onto the couch, and Lucien chuckled while Neil looked a little defeated.

“Not that great, huh?” Neil noticed.

“Was he a creep?” Jonathan assumed.

“Did he think the movie was bad?” Lucien pressed.

“No, no, he was great,” you sighed, “he loved the movie. We talked about it for a bit afterwards and he seemed to really understand it.”

“Okay! That’s good, right?” Jonathan said optimistically.

“Yeah— so good that I asked him when we could do this again,” you recalled, “and he said that he didn’t wanna lead me on and he wasn’t interested in seeing me.”

“What?!” Jonathan yelped, while Neil winced a little.

“He said I was really cool and funny and easy to talk to,” you explained, “but that he didn’t feel any chemistry.”

“Chemistry?” Lucien repeated, confused.

“He means he’s not attracted to me,” you clarified.

“What?” Jonathan scoffed again. “Why not?”

“I don’t know!” you whined, but you did know. “I think I’m just, like, friend material. I’m just ‘one of the guys’, you know? Not somebody you actually wanna be with.”

“But isn’t that what every guy wants? To date somebody who’s just ‘one of the guys’?” Lucien noticed, and then paused when everyone gave him an inquisitive look. “That sounded way less gay in my head. You get what I mean, right?”

“As much as I would love to never let you live that down,” Jonathan smirked, “you’re not wrong— like, a chick who can hang. That’s the best.”

“Well, here I am! Hanging!” you snapped. “Where’s my harem of suitors just desperate to date one of the guys?!”

“I mean, you are wearing a suit…” Neil noticed, getting a little defensive when you groaned and dropped your head back. “No, no, you look cool! I mean, you look really great. I’m not sure what he wasn’t seeing.”

"Maybe he's got a girlfriend!" Jonathan suggested. "And he was gonna cheat but he chickened out."

"Maybe he's intimidated by strong women," Lucien added, sounding more like he was quoting a Cosmo than actually thinking that.

"Respectfully, guys aren't that complicated," you assured. "If he wanted me, he would. He doesn't. It's not that deep."

Neil looked away when you said that.

"Well, come take a seat on the losers couch," Jonathan offered, but Neil sitting next to him frowned.

"You think I'm a loser?" Neil protested.

"No, I was talking about that couch," Jonathan said as he pointed to the other one which Lucien was on.

"I'm not even offended," Lucien decided, patting the spot next to him. "I'd rather be a loser with you than a winner with anybody else."

You smiled and plopped down next to him, pulling your legs up on the old sofa and finding the best angle to see the TV from. "Okay, catch me up," you requested, bracing for the barrage of borderline nonsensical exposition about whatever obscure anime Jonathan was forcing on the group this time.

Since the store closed at eight on Tuesdays, you and Neil decided to go out for a late dinner after locking up— the nearest place you usually walked to was a little hole-in-the-wall dishing out Thai fusion, and even though there were open tables inside, you took your paper boxes outside to eat together on a bench.

You each sat up on it with your legs crossed, facing each other, while he poked at his fried rice with his fork and you stirred your noodles with the chopsticks.

“The Palace is still doing their Hitchcock screenings on Sundays,” you recalled, “I think the next one is Rear Window. We could make Lucien man the store and go see it together?”

“Yeah, let’s do it,” he smiled. “But we gotta sneak in the candy, that place is getting so overpriced…”

“Well, that’s a given,” you laughed. “When I went on my date there I had Sour Patch Kids in my bag, but I was kinda craving Reese’s by the time the movie started.

"That guy sounded like an ass, by the way," Neil announced with a frown.

"Oh, no, it's fine," you dismissed. "He was really nice, even when he blew me off, and I… I guess I wasn’t really expecting it to go anywhere, anyways.”

“Really?” Neil scoffed. “Then why’d you ask him out?”

Just in case. “I… I guess I’m trying to put myself out there more?”

“Huh? You’re trying to put out more?” Neil joked.

You rolled your eyes and unfolded your legs to kick him playfully. “You know what I mean,” you groaned.

“Yeah, yeah,” he admitted, “and I support it. It’s sort of insane that you’re still single.”

“Wow, thanks for the pep talk,” you rolled your eyes before shoving a thick swirl of spicy-sweet noodles in your mouth.

“No! I mean, like, I can’t believe you’re single,” he clarified, and you smiled somewhat awkwardly while chewing your mouthful. “You’re smart and fun and cool and pretty—”

Thanks to the food in your mouth, you didn’t have to worry about coming up with a way to respond to that, so you just shrugged.

“Seriously!” he insisted. “I mean, guys hit on you at the store— I wish somebody who actually deserved your attention would walk in that place.”

The guy I want is already there every day. Swallowing, you finally got a chance to talk to him again. “Thanks,” you sighed, “it’s fine, though. I mean, I’ve been single this long— I think I’ll survive.”

“Keep waiting for the right one, okay?” he encouraged, and your heart swelled.

“I will,” you promised, sounding more wistful than you meant to.

After a brief lull in the conversation, he cleared his throat and continued. “Hey, um, while we’re on the topic of Sunday, about the whole fuck-marry-kill thing—”

“I’m sorry,” you offered right away, “I shouldn’t have answered that. I wasn’t being serious, obviously.”

“No, I wanted to apologize,” he returned, “I shouldn’t have pressed you on your answer. It was funny. And it wasn’t like you could say you were gonna kill one of us.”

You snorted. “Yeah, that one was probably the worst of the three.”

“But I shouldn’t have asked you about what you would’ve done to me,” he shook his head, “I was making it weird. So, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you assured. “Did you really expect me to say I would marry you?”

“No,” he admitted, “I thought you’d say you’d fuck me, marry Lucien and kill Jonathan.”

“What?” you scoffed, though you were still smiling. “Why?”

“Well, Lucien would definitely make the best husband of the three of us,” he explained, “and Jonathan was the only one who wouldn’t have gotten butthurt about you saying you’d kill him. He probably would’ve just asked you to give him a nice send-off, y’know…”

You nodded in agreement, wondering if he was going to address the obviously missing third piece of all this… he sure was staring down into his empty fried rice container with intense focus…

“And, you know, as for me,” he began sort of thinly, “I, um… I guess I just figured, you know, you’re the most comfortable with me.”

“Yeah,” you agreed, “obviously, but maybe that would make it worse? Like, at least with Jonathan, I know that if we ever did hook up or something, it probably wouldn’t mess up our friendship. ‘Cause we’re friendly and all, but it’s not so serious. But with you…”

“Uh huh, well, that’s why it’s good it’s just a game,” Neil finished for you, chucking his trash in the nearest can. “Don’t have to worry about any of that stuff. Least of all you and I being married. Talk about a disaster.”

You choked on your throat. “Yeah. No kidding…”

“Well, anyways,” he sighed, standing up from the bench and stretching for a moment, “wanna come over and see if the game’s still on?”

“Oh, um, I’m just gonna go back to my place,” you decided, throwing away the last couple bites of your food on account of your suddenly-lost appetite. “Kinda thinking I should get my sleep schedule in order.”

“That’s good,” he nodded, “I respect that. Have a good night, then, kid.”

“Yeah, you too,” you breathed, waving as he turned and walked off into the night, tucking his hands into his jean pockets.

You looked down at your lap, taking a deep breath and shutting your eyes for a second. Did he have to be so sweet just to cut you down like that? Could he have even known how it would hurt you to say that?

It’s not even like he was wrong, but you were dying to ask him why he was so sure that you and him together would be so bad. What was wrong with you that he still couldn’t see you that way?

Not interested in this repetitive thought cycle anymore, and being very familiar with where it leads, you got up and started to walk down the street. You didn’t turn to go to your apartment, though; you kept going until you heard live music— scratchy, whiny guitars and throbbing bass drums— seeping out of the club. You just needed to be somewhere familiar that wasn’t the video store or home; and, this place conveniently also had liquor.

You slipped inside— hit by a wave of sound as you entered— and took a seat at the bar, half-listening to the band that was playing, pretending to be focused at all on what was going on in the outside world rather than just spiraling into your own thoughts inside your head.

“Hey,” Jonathan nodded at you from the other side of the bar, and you nodded back. He instantly started looking for Neil— of course he would— and you deflated a bit. “You here alone?” he noticed.

“Yeah,” you shrugged.

“Wow,” he smirked, “it’s like when Peter Pan’s shadow escaped.”

You should’ve probably been offended by that, but it wasn’t worth denying— and you were more interested in getting liquored up than justifying that you did, in fact, have a life outside of Neil.

And, actually, Peter Pan was a pretty good way to describe Neil, too. Fear of commitment, leader of freaks and outcasts, daydreamer… all he needed was some green tights. “What are you drinking tonight?” Jonathan finally asked.

“What pairs well with feeling completely unattractive and unlovable?” you sighed.

“Well, that would be my drink of choice: whiskey,” he smiled, setting a bottle down in front of you. “I’ll do a shot with you.”

He poured you both a shot, and you timed it to shoot it back together; he, obviously, took it better with you, and you cringed from the acidic flavor. "Jesus, people really drink this on purpose?" you grumbled.

"Yeah, give it a few minutes," he assured, "it's gonna numb all those stupid emotions."

"I don't have a few minutes," you sighed, "do you have anything more fast-acting?"

"Yeah— a second shot," he joked, but you nodded in agreement. "Okay, shit, you're not messing around tonight."

"Nope," you agreed, watching him pour just one shot this time. "You're not doing it with me?"

"I need to pace myself, I'm here 'til two," he explained.

He slid it to you and you contemplated it for a moment, before forcing yourself to get it down as quickly as possible to avoid the burn. You still grimaced, but recovered quickly.

"Is it working yet?" he wondered.

"I guess," you answered half-heartedly.

“Well, you could always gush to the bartender about all your problems?” he offered, but you just shrugged it off. “Come on, you wouldn’t be the first tonight. And since I know you, I might actually be able to help.”

“I don’t think you can help with this one,” you assured. “This problem has been going on longer than you’ve ever been around.”

“Oh?” he pressed. “Let me guess… boy troubles?”

“Isn’t it always?” you scoffed, irritated that he saw through you that quickly— apparently your reputation of being horrible with men preceded you.

“But this is just one boy,” he presumed. “One boy who… conspicuously isn’t here tonight…”

“Is it that obvious?” you wondered with a whine, dropping your head in your hand.

“Well, if you weren’t having any issues with him, you’d be with him,” Jonathan guessed— and it wasn’t bad logic.

“But, like, does everyone know?” you wondered. “Does everyone but him know that I’m in love with him? Oh god, Jonathan, you don’t think he knows, do you?”

“Wait— love?” he repeated, and you swallowed thickly as you realized the whiskey had already gotten you to say too much. “You… you’re…”

“Okay, so I guess not everyone knows,” you mumbled.

“No, yeah, I think you managed to keep that under wraps,” he assured with a nod, eyes getting wider. “Sheesh. No, I had no clue. Now it’s even weirder that you guys aren’t together.”

“Well, he doesn’t love me,” you explained flatly.

“Did he tell you that?”

“No, god no— I mean, he tells me he loves me,” you corrected, “but he doesn’t mean— we just say that, you know, like at the end of phone calls or when one of us is sad. It’s not, like… we never meant it that way.”

“Right, okay,” Jonathan nodded as he wiped a glass— the way bartenders do when they’re listening to people— but he didn’t seem to understand entirely. “So, you’re not his type?”

“I don’t think I know what his type is,” you scoffed. “I haven’t really noticed a pattern, have you?”

“You’d have to have a few more data points to really draw any connection between them,” Jonathan laughed.

“Yeah, fair,” you smiled, “he’s only had… I don’t know, maybe four girlfriends since I’ve known him? One in high school, for a month— then Eva, they weren’t even really serious, just dating for a while. And then, uh—”

“Tanisha,” he remembered.

“Right! I liked her,” you hummed.

“What happened to her again?” he wondered.

“Got back with her ex,” you recalled.

“Wow, that blows,” Jonathan sighed.

“She told me before she told him,” you admitted. “She wanted me to tell him for her, actually, but I… I couldn’t do that to him. But I came over right after, you know, and we ate ice cream from the tub and watched movies ‘til we fell asleep.”

Jonathan made a sort of face, one you couldn’t quite interpret, and you tilted your head as he seemed to mumble to himself.

“What?” you wondered.

“Nothing, it’s just… he’s kind of an idiot,” Jonathan decided. “I don’t think he gets how lucky he is.”

You wrinkled your brows together, laughing a bit. “What do you mean?”

“Look, I’m not saying he’s, like, legally obligated to fall in love with you just because you guys get along so well,” he clarified, “even if that’s what Neil accused me of thinking— I really do think it’s fine for men and women to just be friends.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I’m just saying… like, how do you have someone who cares about you that much, and you end up dating fucking Denise for almost a year?!”

“Well, nobody knows how he ended up with Denise,” you coughed. “That was a fucking disaster.”

“I mean, not to be crass, but, uh,” he stumbled a little over his words, “I’m surprised that you coming over after that breakup didn’t turn into a rebound, at least.”

“After eating that much ice cream?” you laughed. “That would’ve been awful.”

“But really, though,” he insisted. “I have a hard time believing the thought didn’t even cross his mind…”

“I can’t really be sure that it didn’t,” you admitted, “I’m just saying, nothing happened.”

“I guess he’s just known you too long to go for it with you,” Jonathan shrugged.

“It’s not just that— you know Neil, he’s kind of an adrenaline junkie,” you rolled your eyes, “or at least he thinks he is. He wants adventure, I guess— and he always talks about us doing spontaneous stuff but it never happens— and I’m just too familiar. Too comfortable.”

“Yeah, he does kinda have something against stability,” Jonathan agreed, “do you think it’s a divorced parents thing?”

“I don’t know, I stopped analyzing that a long time ago,” you groaned, “and I told myself I would stop trying to be what I thought he wanted, but I think I keep doing it.”

“Well, I know you know him better than anybody,” Jonathan countered, “but I know guys, and that guy… there’s no way he thinks of you as just a friend.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because he was fucking lying when he said it wouldn’t piss him off if we hooked up,” he insisted.

“You really won’t let that go, will you?” you grinned.

“Did you see his face? He couldn’t get the image out of his head!” Jonathan assured confidently. “And then that whole ‘fuck marry kill’ thing— he started getting nervous, I think.”

“Nervous about what?”

“That something could really happen with us!”

“You really think he would care?” you frowned.

“I swear to— to Ash Williams,” he decided, “that if I walked into that fucking video store, and told him that you and I did whiskey shots and you came back to my place and we did the horizontal tango, he would beat me to death with the register.”

“You swear on Ash Williams?” you repeated with a smirk, knowing that meant more than swearing on any deity would mean.

“Him and his chainsaw hand,” Jonathan assured, putting a hand over his heart to add to the bit, and you giggled.

“Well, I don’t think Neil can pick up the register,” you decided.

“In that case, you let me know the next time you wanna get back at him for something,” he offered with a wink, and you smiled at him sympathetically.

“I know you’re trying to be nice,” you sighed, “but you don’t have to do that.”

“Hey, come on,” he frowned, “I know you’ve got this I’m insecure I’m a weirdo nobody notices me thing, but you can’t actually think it would be some kind of charity work for me to sleep with you—”

“No, I don’t mean that,” you sighed, “I know I could get laid if I wanted to—”

“But you don’t wanna get laid,” he finished for you, “you wanna be loved.”

You sighed again, even harder. “Yeah,” you nodded.

“I know,” he agreed. “And you know I love you, but—”

“But not like that,” you took your turn finishing his sentence.

His only reply was raising the bottle of whiskey with a sideways smile, a silent offer to pour another shot— for both of you this time.

“Yes, please,” you hummed, watching him fill the miniature glasses with a sigh.

part 2

#neil lewis x reader #neil lewis smut #watching the detectives #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy smut #you know... eventually #but you have to get to part two for that lol

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blind-sheep · 1 month

Text

As someone who spend so much time on more lgbtq+ settings on the internet, I tend to forget how much the average joe is, by norm, very heteronormative, as is society.

Like, there was this short video on youtube showing the Falin's resurrection scene and all, and some peoples did some comments about it.

As someone who do ship falin × marcille, and compared to what we see around here, that's pretty mild stuff right?

But as I keep forgetting, some people get quite mad at the simplest suggestion that gay people may exist in their little show.

Tbf, the first comment may just not be into the ship and is finding reasonings to why it doesn't work on their eyes, but they're very defensive still.

The second comment however is at quite a point of hetero delusion. Falin was about to marry Toshiro? What? It was mentioned he proposed to her, not that she had accepted and was about to marry him! But, to some people, a man liking a woman is enough for them to be already together, no matter how she feels about it, bc it's "the norm" for the boy to get with the girl. Like, he likes her, and that's all that matters so they will totally get together at the end?

Sadly, that's one of the reasons I see Laios × Marcille as a boring ship sometimes. By all means, I see why some people ship it, there is some real reasoning behind it, but I just know the biggest reasoning for most people that ship them is just "he was a boy, she was a girl, do I need to say more?" Type of mindset.

This next one just makes me laugh, it HAS to be bait:

Like, Marcille NEVERS blush around Falin AND just blushes around Laios? Fella, I don't think we watched the same anime or read the same manga, even people that don't ship them can see that they are a little gay. Or can they? (Vsauce theme starts playing~)

About their age difference and how race works in Dungeon Meshi, that's quite the big topic, not sure I want to stray too much here (there's too much text here as it is).

And about that part that says "makes me think they're all very straight": if this comment is a joke or not, this bit says a lot. Most people see the whole world like that, everyone is straight till proven other wise, and you gotta prove a LOT in media for characters to be gay, or it doesn't count. To most people, being hetero is the norm, and seeing lgbtq+ ships is very hard for most bc of this.

No one is forcing anyone to ship anything here, but lots of people really do forget being gay is even possible sometimes, and get mad at us for shipping what reflect our realities (at least in our eyes). Especially in the anime community, where the simple threat that their "waifu" may not like dudes send some fellas into a fit of rage and homophobia.

And I know, the focus of Dungeon Meshi is not romance and never was, and we can't see the story only through these lenses, I agree with that. But people will ship anything in any show, and I just used it as an example to talk about this topic. It's something that comes often to my mind and I never had the chance to talk about it till now.

Here's a little Farcille gif as a treat for those that read all this rant of mine:

( so cuute~ )

#dungeon meshi #farcille #falin x marcille #falin touden #marcille donato #laios touden #dungeon meshi spoilers #delicious in dungeon

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bratzforchris · 5 days

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hi!! I was watching the new video and it reminded me so much of myself, so i was thinking, could you write something about Chris and autistic!reader going to a toy store and reader wants to buy so many of the toys because they never had that while growing up due to money reasons? maybe chris and reader end up buying some toys for little kids and once they're home they play with them together?? (it doesn't have to be age regression, mainly just inner child healing and lots autistic joy)

thank you if you do!! also i just recently followed you and really love the way you write, so i thank you for your service🫡

Barbies

Summary: Above! Thank you so much for the detailed request, butterfly <33

Pairing: Chris x romantic!reader (gender neutral)

Warnings: Mentions of financial troubles during childhood (?)

Word Count: 1k

A/N: This was actually such a heartwarming (and self indulgent) request to write, so thank you 🧸🎀💗 I hope you enjoy!!

If there was one thing that you had loved your whole life, it was Barbies. Ever since you were a small child you had been captivated by the beautiful dolls with their outfits and long hair that you could brush and braid. Growing up as one of four kids and as a neurodivergent child that had required extra therapies and medications, there wasn’t always a lot of extra money to go around, so the few Barbies that you did have were hand-me-downs from the girls that were your neighbors. You had promised yourself that one day you would have an entire collection of dolls to call your own. After all, the special interest had started when you were around four, and had continued to this very day, which just so happened to be your twentieth birthday.

You woke up to Chris peppering kisses across your face with a little ‘good morning, honey’, proudly holding a small plate of pancakes with a whipped cream smiley face on them. Your boyfriend eagerly handed you your plate, singing Happy Birthday cheesily. It was clear he was more excited about this than you were.

“It’s just another day, babe.” You chuckled with a soft shake of your head as you started to cut up your breakfast.

“It’s your day,” Chris insisted, poking your shoulder teasingly. “There’s gotta be something you wanna do.”

“Other than go skydiving, which we’ve addressed you’re not gonna do, there’s nothing.” You hummed, avoiding the thought in your brain to just ask him.

Chris visibly paled at the mention of jumping out of a plane. “Yeah, that one’s a no. There’s nothing you want to do? Nowhere you want to go? Nothing you want to eat?”

“Well…” You trailed off, munching thoughtfully on a piece of pancake. “There is one place, but…”

“Which is?”

“Nevermind,” You shook your head, blushing. “It’s stupid.”

“It can’t be that bad, baby,” Chris said softly. “It’s your birthday. We can do whatever you want.”

“Promise you won’t laugh?”

Chris kissed your cheek gently, knowing that his stubble sometimes bothered your sensory issues. “I won’t laugh, honey. I promise.”

You looked away shyly, blushing as you picked at a loose thread on your comforter. “You know I’ve always liked like, the Barbie movies and stuff, right? And it’s kind of a special interest?” You paused, waiting to see your boyfriend’s reaction, to which he nodded for you to keep talking. “Well, there’s this new store downtown that sells all kinds of Barbies and I was wondering if we could…go? I’ve always wanted Barbies.” You rushed out quickly, face and ears red.

Chris smiled, rubbing your hand. “I think that sounds like a perfect idea.”

“You do?”

“If it makes you happy, it’s always a good idea,” Chris kissed you gently and then stood up. “Get ready!”

For the entirety of the time it took you two to get ready, plus the car ride to the store, you were happy stimming. The mere thought of engaging with your special interest was enough to have you shaking out your wrists happily and playing with the small pop-it pin on your lanyard. Chris chuckled once the two of you got into the store, snapping a quick photo of your awe.

Your eyes went wide as you scanned up and down the rows and rows of dolls. There were all kinds of Barbies from all different generations and you gently ran your fingers across them as you searched for some you liked. Chris followed you like an obedient puppy the entire time, offering his opinion on various dolls and enjoying the warmth that radiated from your happiness. After about thirty minutes in the store, you had narrowed your choices down to ten different dolls.

“I dunno which ones to get. I like them all but I am broke.” You chuckled softly, running your finger over the smooth plastic of one of the boxes.

“Get them all,” Chris shrugged. “It’s your birthday, honey.”

“Did you miss the ‘I’m broke’ part, Christopher?” You chuckled.

“No, but this is your treat. It’s on me.”

Even though you blushed and thanked your boyfriend profusely, you didn’t have it in you to argue with him about paying. You were so consumed by your special interest that all your mind could think about was going home and playing with the new Barbies. Chris led you to the register softly, his heart swelling at the beaming smile on your face as you hummed and let out little vocal stims happily.

By the time you two had arrived back home, you were bursting at the seams to engage with your new treasures. You pulled Chris into the living room, plopping down on the floor next to the coffee table. In a matter of minutes you had carefully opened all of the boxes, laying the dolls out in a neat line.

“Will you, um, play with me?” You asked your lover softly, rubbing Chris’ fingers gently.

“Only if I get to be Ken,” Chris scoffed playfully. “Dude’s ripped.”

You chuckled and rolled your eyes, passing the brunette the dolls. You both played for a little while, with you focusing more on brushing the Barbies’ hair while Chris acted out soap-opera level scenarios that had you practically rolling on the floor laughing. All was silent for a while, until your boyfriend spoke up again, suddenly seeming nervous.

“We should make the Barbies get married.” he blushed.

“Oh?” You cocked your head curiously, wondering what he meant.

“Because if they represent us, well…” Chris paused and dug in his pocket, pulling out a small ring box. “I wanted to wait for a time that felt right for both of us, and I think that’s right now. You’re my absolute best friend, and this just confirmed that for me. I love you more than anything in the world. Will you marry me?” he asked softly, still burning red.

You had been dreaming of a Barbie life ever since you were a small child, and this definitely counted as that. “Yes!”

tags ♡: @jake-and-johnnies-slut @chrissfavwh3re @suyqa @chrissturnswife @mbsbaby @herxysc-blog @lovingchrissposts @caffeinatedscorpio @spencereidenthusiast @crazychrisl0v3r @sturnioloxlver @whicked-hazlatwhore @blahbel668 @sturncakez @junnniiieee07 @biggesthat3r @sturniolowhore @patscorner @julesgrl @0strawberrysorbet0 @strombolilovr @matt444nixi @remussbitch @devthepoet1221 @mattyblover07 @loisnotaa @mollyquinnxoxo @graysturns @pepsicolapussy333 @ginswife @emmagirouard @athaliahxoxo @bitchydragonparadise @ilydeaky @soggyslugg169 @m00n-0n-paws @books0fever @stingerayyy2 @sunsetsturniolos @mimi-luvzyu @raysmayhem-72 @faygo-frog @oobleoob @billsslutt @aemrsy

note ♡: if you'd like to be added to my taglist, click here <3

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kafus · 3 months

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over the weekend at the knoxville regional pokemon championships, i met up with a longtime internet friend in person for the first time, and he traded me a very special pokemon - a unique celebi that takes a bit of context to explain the significance of

from november 2001 to january 2005, the building that is now a nintendo world store in new york city was actually an american pokemon center, which hosted the "Gotta Catch ‘Em All!" station, a large machine that you could pop your gold/silver/crystal cartridge into (or later ruby/sapphire/firered/leafgreen, but that's not relevant here) and get a special distribution pokemon unique to the store. often times these were normal pokemon in eggs with special moves they couldn't usually learn, but other times they ran distributions for shiny legendaries, and of course, the mythical celebi.

there's very few pictures of the machine and all of them are pretty low quality, but you can see an iteration of it here during the gen 3 era:

when PCNY (pokemon center new york) shut down, the machine and its contents were presumed lost forever, but due to the preservation efforts and the good luck of a few individuals, some of the distributions have been preserved, as well as parts of the machine and its software. this is extra incredible because almost all gen 2 save files from the time the machine was actually functional are long since wiped due to the battery inside dying, meaning that very very few of the gen 2 event pokemon distributed from this machine at the time still exist. i won't go super in detail on that in this post but you can read an article about all of that here (julie, the person who runs this historical PCNY fansite is incredibly passionate and if you want to know anything about the PCNY store i absolutely recommend reading her writing!)

so, one day when i was rambling to my friend (his name is Venty!) about my fascination with the PCNY machine, and how i wish i had been born early enough to experience that, as well as wishing that i could have traded with anyone in gens 1-3 as a child but never got to due to isolation, venty told me that he's actually friends with a guy (Professor Rex) who knows the guy who owns the remnants of the PCNY machine (Gridelin), and he would love to reach out and ask if there's any way rex could distribute a celebi to himself and trade it to him sometime so that eventually when me and venty met in person one day, he'd be able to trade the celebi to me.

i pretty much burst into tears and very passionately explained how much that would mean to me - not just because owning a celebi actually distributed from the historical PCNY distribution station is just... insanely cool, but because like i said, i had never traded anyone in the old internet-less generations of pokemon, and having that be my first was just... a monumental thought. i am deeply fascinated with old gen event distributions because of the tactile, interpersonal nature of them, in direct contrast with my isolation and loneliness as a child. it might sound silly to be so worked up over a collection of bytes/pixels, but i really couldn't believe venty would offer me something so kind. and not only did he offer to ask - rex said yes!!

so on may 21st last year (2023) rex traveled out and distributed the celebi to his pokemon silver cartridge. specifically, the celebi is from the "Celebi Present Campaign" which ran from the 22nd of november 2002 to the 28th of november 2002. the display on the monitor is the same video that would have appeared on the screen in the PCNY store, but flipped sideways here haha. (the gen 2 distributions were special and had custom animations for the legendaries and stuff, which you can watch here in full quality on gridelin's channel - there's videos of the other distribution animations on his channel, too!)

and then months later, during the weekend of august 11th 2023, rex and venty met up at the pokemon world championship in japan and rex traded the celebi to venty's gold cartridge...

...then, finally, just this past weekend, on sunday (february 4th 2024) venty and i finally met in real life for the first time at the knoxville TN regional pokemon championships, and with link cable in hand the celebi finally made its way to me in my hotel room, after crossing the ocean twice and passing through canada to the US to japan and back to the US...!!

gen 2 pokemon data isn't very complicated, but you can tell that my celebi is unique from the other PCNY celebis dumped online (here and here if you'd like to play with some of these historical pokemon yourself) because it has the trainer ID of 00204 which none of the publicly available celebis have - though of course to me, regardless of what becomes publicly available in the future (and i hope one day the common layperson can simply emulate the PCNY machine, video game preservation >>> unique collections always) this celebi will always be special and unique because of how it got to me, and because it represents my friendship with venty who i care so much about. it was an extremely kind gesture i will never forget and i can't believe how much traveling and how many people were involved with getting this tiny bundle of bytes and pixels to me. i hugged venty after the trade was done haha

oh, and by the way, don't worry, i have the hardware to back up my gen 2 save files so this celebi will never die even after my crystal cartridge battery eventually dies once more!! (also, while i don't think it would be an issue i do want to say please don't bother any of the people mentioned in this post...! gridelin & co are working on making the distribution machine in question available for anyone to use, it'll come out whenever it's out and for now there are dumps of the events that were recovered. i would not want them to receive any annoying requests for pokemon because of me. thank you!)

#pokemon #pokemon crystal #gsc #pokemon gsc #celebi #mystery gift #ayano was here #ayano.txt #long post

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gamerwoo · 8 months

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[skz] In Between: Felix and...

characters: felix x gn reader (if there are any she/her pronouns that i missed while editing i'm so sorry it's an accident)

genre/warnings: idol!felix, streamer!reader, fluff, humor, established relationship, the whole fic is set up like an interview video, reader is bigger than felix, reader's online alias is saturn and is sometimes referred to as such, it's mentioned that reader is older than jeongin, one mention of a fic about a threesome but nothing explicit happens

word count: 3,800

summary: welcome to the couple's interview called 'in between:' where your favorite couples answer some questions to show a little background and insight to their relationships. today, we're exploring in between: saturn and felix!

a/n: i've done this kind of format for a fic before and i've always wanted to revisit that bc it was a lot of fun and sooo much easier imo so here we are!!! also don't ask me why the header is so low quality it saved normal i swear i think tumblr fucked it up 😔

[a short preview of the video plays where _____ is staring deadpan into the camera.]

_____: I behave. Gotta keep it cool with JYPapi.

[felix stares at _____ without expression. they don’t look back at him. they just continue to stare at the camera without any expression. a screen saying ‘technical difficulties’ pops up before the video cuts to the beginning of the interview. _____ and felix are sitting on stools beside each other.]

_____: Hi, I’m _____, or you might know me online as Saturn.

Felix: And I’m Felix from Stray Kids.

_____: And today, we’ve been invited to Gamerwoo to do a fun little interview all about our lil’ romance [they start drumming their fingers together like some sort of villain].

Felix: [laughing] This is In Between: Felix and Saturn.

[the intro card plays, and in the background, felix can be heard still laughing with _____ loudly asking, 'what?!'. then it changes to the question card before going back to the couple.]

[what was your first date?]

Felix: Is it, like…real date? Like, in person?

_____: Yeah, we went on Minecraft dates and even an Overwatch date once.

Felix: We don’t talk about the Overwatch date.

_____: You’re just mad that I picked Roadhog.

[felix slowly turns to look at _____. they continue to just stare back at him. a card that says ‘technical difficulties’ pops up before the video jumps back to the couple.]

Felix: Our first date was shortly after the first stream we did together, I think.

_____: [nodding] Yeah, it was. Because we were supposed to meet not too long after that stream, and then a couple days later you were like, ‘do you wanna go grab street food and I can show you around?’ and I was like, ‘haha okay!’ and then you ended up holding my hand and I stopped functioning.

Felix: [laughing loudly] No, ‘cause I could literally hear your brain trying to work! I just held their hand and they suddenly just stopped eating their ice cream, their face went blank, and even their walking kinda stopped so I stopped to look at them and they were so flustered.

_____: I wasn’t expecting it! I genuinely had no idea you liked me romantically so I was just like, ‘oh, we’re hanging out and he’s being nice,’ and then it was actually more than that and I was like– [_____ just stops and stares intensely wide-eyed].

[how did you meet and what were your first impressions?]

_____: So I stream online and I mostly play video games, and Felix really likes video games, too. And I knew that already because I’m a Stay and I was a Stay before I met him, and I would talk about them and Seventeen and New Jeans and stuff on my streams a lot.

Felix: And I just found _____ one day when I was looking through streams trying to find something to put on in the background, and I just really liked their stuff and kept watching. They were really funny and just fun to listen to, and they’re good at games, which is a bonus. It was fun to watch and _____ started to become one of my most watched streamers.

_____: But then this **********er–

[felix starts laughing loudly.]

_____: –starts telling Stays on one of his lives that he’s been really into my streams lately. And then suddenly my chat is going off, and ****’s being sent to me on Twitter and Discord, and I’m like, ‘what’s happening? Did somebody die?’ and then I died.

Felix: But then from there, y’know, we kinda reached out to one another – I think… [he looks at _____] Actually, I DM’d you, right?

_____: I tweeted something at you saying, like–

[the tweet in question comes up on the screen, reading: hi mr jyp, if i could ever play some games with felix on stream, that would be super cool :) thank u <;3]

_____: ‘hey, would love to play with felix sometime’ and I tagged Stray Kids or something, and then you reached out on Instagram and said you’d love to play a game sometime so we figured it out and ended up streaming the first time we played together, and I was absolutely terrified and panicked for the first 15 minutes of stream until we got into a call.

Felix: You were so shy, too. [he smiles brightly and chuckles]

_____: I was so afraid of saying or doing something that could get you in trouble. I literally lectured chat from the day we finalized everything all the way up until the day we played just telling them to not be too vulgar or inappropriate or whatever because I was so scared of just ****ing something up.

Felix: And now you swear in any video we do together. [chuckles]

_____: Not your lives, though. [_____ looks right into camera very deadpan] I behave. Gotta keep it cool with JYPapi.

[felix stares at _____ without expression. they don’t look back at him. they just continue to stare at the camera without any expression. ‘technical difficulties’ comes back up before cutting back to the couple back to normal.]

Felix: I will admit, I was nervous, too, when we first played together. I was basically just a fan getting to play with their favorite streamer.

_____: [grinning back at felix] I know! You were so cute! I was, like, internally squealing.

Felix: And externally. There’s proof in the VOD.

[_____ turns to look at the camera again with felix laughing at them. their face is scrunched up despite how flustered they look.]

_____: Next question.

[who asked who out and how did it happen?]

_____: Felix. [they point to their left].

Felix: [shyly raises his hand] Yeah, that was me. I just– Okay, so we were both pretty shy with each other at first, but we got a lot more comfortable and were just kinda best friends, but there were moments I feel like where we’d both get kinda shy again [he starts to look to _____ for confirmation] like we both felt something there but we were both too shy to say anything.

_____: [smiling at the camera like it’s a bad infomercial] Take a shot every time Felix says ‘shy’!

[he snorts and bats their hand away when they give a thumbs up to the camera. it jump cuts to them after they’d calmed down from giggling at each other.]

_____: Honestly, I will say we kind of poked at the topic but never did anything for a while. Like we’d be like, ‘oh, let’s go on a date in whatever game we’re playing’ and I think there were serious undertones for both of us. But I was like, ‘there’s no way he actually has feelings, he has to think about his career, i’m just some idiot online,’ so I never said anything, and he was– Well, I don’t wanna say it for you since it was your feelings.

Felix: I was nervous about, like, scaring off a really good friend, especially since I did become a fan of theirs. I was watching _____ for over a year before we actually started talking so I think I was the same kind of starstruck as they were. I was just nervous like they were that this was all just a friendship and there wasn’t anything more from it.

_____: [looking at felix] I think I just started making it really obvious, though.

Felix: I definitely started to get a feeling that you were interested and the playful flirting was actually kinda serious. Like, you know how friends flirt? It was a lot of that, but I started getting a feeling they were trying to kinda be serious. So we went on that date and, like, I had planned it as a date but didn’t tell them. I just said we were hanging out, and then after I held their hand I was like, ‘so is this a good first date?’ or something like that, and yeah.

_____: And then he asked me out literally that night.

Felix: Oh, yeah, I couldn’t wait. I was scared I’d chicken out if I waited longer.

_____: I will admit, though, I took a couple days to give an answer because I was so nervous and scared.

Felix: [shrugs, looking at _____] Yeah, but we talked it out and then you said yes.

_____: [looking at felix] Yeah, I was worried about, like…ruining your career [laughs softly]. You made me feel less anxious about it.

Felix: [grinning] I try.

[what did the members think of _____, and what did _____’s friends think of felix?]

_____: [grinning] My friends were so ****in’ excited to meet Felix.

[felix starts laughing.]

_____: Like, I feel like kpop has become really popular with a lot of streamers for whatever reason, so a lot of them already knew who Stray Kids were. So when we played that first time– [suddenly turns very deadpan and stares directly into the camera] We played Bread & Fred, by the way. Very awful game to meet someone on. But anyway [they go back to normal] we decided to set up a time that Felix could play with my friends and I since I know a few popular streamers and we play together. So I reached out and asked if I could invite Felix from Stray Kids to play a game with us and they all lost it. They were so ****ing excited to meet him and then they were, like, obsessed with him when we did finally play.

Felix: I was honestly excited to meet them, too. Some of them I had been a fan of for a while so it was fun to get to meet them and play and stuff.

_____: [scoffs and rolls their eyes but it’s obviously in a joking way] And yet you weren’t a fan of me yet.

Felix: You were newer!

[the ‘technical difficulties’ screen pops up for a few seconds again before going back to the couple.]

Felix: Yeah, the guys really liked _____. Chan would sometimes watch their streams, too, and I.N and Seungmin liked seeing them Overwatch gameplay. I remember the first time we planned to have a 5-stack in Overwatch with me, _____, Chan, Seungmin, and I.N, after we all got off and left Discord, I.N came into my room and was like, ‘Whoa, we gotta have them in our stack all the time’.

_____: [laughing softly] They only like me because I’m their carry.

Felix: [suddenly turns his head to look at them] Hey! Untrue!

Interviewer: Who’s the best at video games between the two of you?

Felix & _____: Me.

[the couple turns to look at each other. ‘technical difficulties’ pops up again before cutting back to the couple.]

_____: There’s literally proof. Should we pull up our Overwatch ranks? If you want, we could compare your League rank to mine.

Felix: You don’t even play Lea–

[he stops like he realizes something, and _____ starts laughing. he deflates and looks grumpy despite the smile growing on his face.]

_____: [still giggling] Exactly. You’re higher ranked than me in League.

Felix: [grumbling] Next question.

[who said ‘i love you’ first?]

[they both go to say something, mouths open. felix looks happy while _____ looks embarrassed, and they put their hands over felix’s body to try and keep him from speaking up first.]

_____: In my defense, I was very intoxicated so it doesn’t count!

Felix: [still grinning] It so does. [looks at the camera and tries to fight off _____ who is physically trying to get him to stop talking] So we had been playing It Takes Two together, which we did on their stream, and we were drinking for that, so after stream, we played some Minecraft just so we could, y’know, hang out in private and whatever. We were working on our new farm and stuff. But anyway, before _____ went to sleep and we were saying goodbye… [starts giggling] They literally just go, ‘I love you’ after the ‘goodnight’ and I just stopped because I was like, ‘did I hear that right?’ And then they started panicking and trying to take it back, and then they ended the call before I could even say anything!

_____: Because you were dead silent and it was embarrassing!

Felix: I just couldn’t believe you’d said that! But I left you a voicemail.

_____: He did… He called me and I didn’t answer and he was like, ‘hey, hope you sleep well. Also I love you too,’ and I died. I literally still have the voicemail saved.

Felix: [giggling and smiling brightly at _____] That’s so cute.

[has felix ever written a song about you and released it? if so, what was it?]

[the couple speaks at the same time]

_____: Not that I know of…

Felix: I have not.

[_____ looks to Felix and lets him speak.]

Felix: I’ve had, y’know, like…inspiration. But I’ve never written just one entire song all about _____. Not to say I haven’t tried, but they’re still just lyrics.

_____: You did cover our song, though.

Felix: I did! We have a song that we decided we think of the other when we hear it, and I covered it once and it was posted on Youtube. It was before we were public, though, so I don’t think anyone thought it was anything.

_____: Dude, people were definitely shipping us before we were officially together.

Felix: [shrugs and chuckles] Okay, yeah, you’re right.

_____: You’re not slick.

[who’s the driest texter, and what are your names saved as in each other’s phones?]

_____: I’m so…painfully dry.

Felix: You are not.

_____: Compared to you, I feel like I am. Like, I feel like you always have a good reply to everything and you always seem interested and invested. I feel like I come across as like, ‘yup. sure. okay.’

Felix: No, you just…– Sometimes you only reply with a meme and I kinda sit there for a minute like, ‘okay, what do I do with this?’ [laughs]

_____: [shrugs] Sometimes I don’t know what to say.

Felix: What’s my name in your phone? [smirks and wiggles his eyebrows at _____]

_____: [dramatically clears their throat and shifts in their seat] So let me walk you through the timeline. At first, it was just ‘Felix’ with, like, the chick emoji and a heart because, y’know, I love Stray Kids. Then I changed it to ‘my little pogchamp’ when we started dating for shits and giggles, but I didn’t like that you weren’t in alphabetical order anymore, so I changed it back to ‘Felix’ with a few different heart emojis. Now it’s ‘Lix’ with the sun emoji and some hearts.

Felix: [laughing loudly] My little pogchamp?!

_____: I know yours is gonna be something super cheesy currently, so don’t even.

Felix: [pulling out his phone] It used to be. It’s normal currently.

_____: Walk me through the timeline.

Felix: So it was just ‘Saturn’ at first. Then it changed to _____, and then it was your name with some hearts, and now it’s just ‘baby _____’ with a sunflower and some hearts [he shows them his phone]

_____: Why a sunflower?

Felix: Because Stay call me the sun, and you’re my sun but I thought it should be different. So a sunflower…

[as felix trails off, he gets more flustered, and _____’s smile widens until they’re just looking at each other and smiling and giggling quietly.]

_____: You’re too cute sometimes.

Felix: [shrugs while putting his phone away, still grinning] Yeah, I try.

[do you read fanfiction about each other?]

_____: There was one time on stream where we somehow got onto the topic of fanfiction, and chat was asking if there was any of specifically me and Felix so I looked it up. For the record, there is, but I didn’t read it.

Felix: What was it about?

_____: The warnings were very much not safe for me to be reading on stream, that’s what I’m gonna tell you.

Felix: I haven’t looked up anything about us. I mean, when we first debuted, I was kind of curious and looked up about myself, but nothing about _____ or us together.

_____: Well, it’s out there.

Interviewer: Can you give us a hint as to what it was about?

_____: It was a threesome. [laughs] Can I say that?

Felix: [eyes wide, staring at _____] A threesome?! With who?!

_____: It was a reader insert.

Felix: [slowly turning back toward the camera, looking traumatized] I preferred not knowing.

_____: We’re bonding by both of us knowing this information. But now I kinda wanna look it up and see if it was any good…

[felix slowly turns back to _____, and the ‘technical difficulties’ screen pops up again before changing to the next question.]

[what item of yours does the other steal the most?]

_____: My entire ****ing setup!

[felix laughs evilly.]

_____: Anytime he stays over, he takes over my desk when I’m not using it, whether it’s before or after stream. He’s already there.

Felix: Everything runs so smoothly, and you have so many games!

_____: You just built a new PC. You were bragging on Instagram about it.

Felix: [sighs] Yours is just better. It’s also very…aesthetically pleasing at your desk. And your chair is so comfy!

_____: I don’t even really steal anything of yours, though, so.

Felix: You can take whatever you want if you give me your setup. [he smiles and leans in, trying to seem persuasive]

Interviewer: You don’t steal anything from him?

_____: [shrugs] Not really. We don’t really share clothes or anything because of the size difference. I might’ve, like, accidentally stolen a pair of his socks a few times, maybe.

Felix: Oh! Your fuzzy socks are so comfy!

_____: All of the stealing is one-sided.

[which member of stray kids is _____ closest with?]

_____: [grinning] Innie!

Felix: Yeah, _____ and our youngest member, I.N get on really well. They play a lot of co-op games together. I think they stream with him more often than me, actually. [chuckles]

_____: I doubt that.

Felix: You guys are really close, though.

_____: I’m currently helping him build his first PC. [smiles and happily shrugs their shoulders] He’s like my little brother.

Interviewer: Do you ever fight when you play games together?

_____: Sometimes, and in that aspect, he reminds me of some of my friends I used to play games with a lot when I was first starting out. It was a lot of playful bickering, and that’s how it is with Jeongin sometimes. But it’s always fun playing together.

[what’s something the other does that you don’t like?]

[felix and _____ look at each other as they consider the question, but both of them just shrug at each other.]

Felix: Nothing, really.

Interviewer: Not any pet peeves?

Felix: [starting to chuckle] Okay, I actually have one that’s kinda weird…

_____: [looking somewhat scared] What is it…?

Felix: So…for context, one of our friends was saying how you know you love someone when you’ll fart in front–

[_____ starts loudly whining.]

Felix: [laughing] –of each other. And they refuse to fart in front of me! We’ll be hanging out on the couch or in my room together or something, and they’ll literally leave the room!

_____: Only if I think it’s gonna be smelly.

Felix: You can tell?

_____: Sometimes. Or if I know I can’t make it quiet.

Interviewer: Is there anything Felix does that you’re not super fond of?

_____: Um… Sometimes he looks at his members a certain way and I’m like, ‘...why aren’t you looking at me like that?’

[felix turns to look at _____ in confusion.]

_____: Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame you! Y’all are handsome guys. But, like…c’mon, man.

Felix: …What are you talking about?

_____: [puts their hand on his shoulder] You know exactly what I’m talking about. I know how you look at Changbin.

[felix and _____ stare at each other in silence for a moment before felix suddenly looks at the camera with wide, knowing eyes.]

Felix: Ohhhh, yeah. Yeah, [laughs] I get it. I get what you mean.

_____: Look at me like that, Felix!

Felix: I do! I do. [turns back to _____] I swear I do.

_____: I don’t see the same panic in your eyes.

Felix: You want me to panic?

_____: Kinda.

[what’s something you especially love about each other?]

_____: Felix is always positive. I tend to get kinda pessimistic and, like, worry about things a lot. If I bring it up to Felix, he’s always looking at things from a good perspective or is always reassuring me that everything is okay.

Felix: I don’t think you’re pessimistic.

_____: I am when I’m stressed, which is usually. God, especially at the beginning of our relationship, or like, before we were even dating when people thought we were. [looks straight into camera with genuine worry] I was so convinced I was gonna get swatted. I was fully prepared to move my entire life to make sure it wouldn’t happen.

Felix: [reaches over to put his hand on their knee, rubbing it with his thumb] You do worry about a lot, but I wouldn’t say it’s pessimistic. It’s just anxiety. [shrugs]

Interviewer: So Felix, what do you like about _____?

Felix: I feel like I never get drained being around them. Like, you know how being social a lot makes you feel really tired? Being around _____ I feel like recharges me instead. They always just make me feel better by being around me, and they always make me laugh.

_____: See, that’s how I know I am pessimistic because my jokes are all dry and come from a place of trauma. [gives a very straight and boring smile right at the camera]

Felix: [chuckling] I’m begging you to just take the compliment.

_____: [shyly] Thanks, man.

Felix: [snorts] Yeah, sure thing, bro. No problem.

[_____ holds out their hand and they dab each other up.]

[the logo appears once again before cutting back to the couple sitting how they were at the beginning of the interview.]

Felix: Thank you so much to Gamerwoo for having us in the studio today to answer questions about us and our relationship. We had a lot of fun here today.

_____: If you want to learn more about us individually, you can see my boyfriend, Felix in the kpop boy group, Stray Kids. And if you’re interested in anything I’m doing, you can find me on most live streaming platforms at slrsatrn.

Felix: This has been…

Felix & _____: In Between: Felix and Saturn!

Felix: [waving with both hands] Byyyye, thank you!

_____: [doing a thumbs up at the camera] Adioso, friends!

[as the logo card appears on the screen again, felix and _____ can be heard laughing before they both say, ‘done!’ and laugh some more. The screen goes black and the recommended videos come up.]

«─── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ───»

perma tag list [italics are unable to tag]: @minluvly @awkwardnesshabitat @woozarts @septicrebel @4kwp @thepencilkorner @bubblelixie @byunhoebaek @dejavernon @ahandfulofkeys @slut-for-dabi @avyskai @pussymode @sunoosult @moonlightcandy00 @missrobyn81 @day6andetcetera @ritzy-roo @casualtaelyn @skizzel-reblogs @itbtoblikethatsometimes @crazyllamasurfer @wonderfulshinee @ladylexis @bangmechanpls @army-stay-noel @reiheis @pretty-npeach @icarusthorn @saythenameseventeen178 @stay-gray @olivehues-blog @ulavenger64king @lillijay @twistedsiren @svintsandghosts @stellarstacysstuff @xxluckydreamsxx @chartrucewhore @dwaekkiracha @ssstraykiss @lukeys-giggle @bobrouxsky @strayKidsFamily @vensweety @seoli-16 @smilefordongil @flirtyskzbutterfly @freckleboilix @immortal-imagination

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villainsandvictimsalliance · 2 years

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What is a smile to a war? : bnha 367

Have you ever wanted to die? Wish for the world to end? Have you ever lose yourself for a couple of minutes and felt like you wanted something really bad to happen to yourself or everybody else?

Has someone ever made you laugh in one of those cases— and just by that you realized how much you didn't want any of it to happen?

You were just upset.

Hold this concept in your mind, would you? Because the heart of the pro-hero thesis of bnha is that a hero not only saves your body or gets rid of the villains threatening you— they also save you from yourself sometimes, from the darkness within you; they prevent future tragedies with the force of their kindness.

Kid Deku watching a video of All Might's debut:

And he's smiling!! Mom... no matter what kind of trouble you're in... he'll save you with a smile.

⠀When we were first introduced to Deku and his admiration for All Might, the one thing the story made emphasis on was All Might's smile. Why?

Because if you're afraid and you see the person rescuing you smile, you relax, it makes you feel better, it tones down your fear and anxiety.

It gives you hope.

I won't be able to put all the panels I wish I could show you to support this meta, so I'll rely on your good memory about the manga, okay?

⠀

During the Hero License arc, we learnt that being a hero is much more than just knowing how to fight. We already knew part of it from All Might's first session (take care of the situation with the minimum amount of damage to both the property and the people surrounding the fight).

We learnt that the way a hero saves a person matters. Their words, their attitude, how they carry themselves and how they approach the victims and situations, it all matters.

With Bakugou and Todoroki we learn that the job of a hero also implies daily services, like helping kids and guiding others, stuff Iida Tensei (former pro-hero Ingenium) used to do.

That's an idea that finds its development along many arcs, the maximum point being after the War arc, with Ochako's speech. When heroes were giving up, she reminded them it was not only about defeating the greater evil, but also about wanting to see everybody smile together again.

It is an echo of Nighteye lessons to Deku and Mirio, of course. An echo we see in bnha 367:

A world without smiles or honor... has no... bright future.

⠀As you know, my thesis is based on the idea that the major problem with the hero society was how they forgot what a real hero was, but not because everything was exclusively monetized (it was still part of the problem, I gotta admit). No, the major issue was exposed by Tomura Shigaraki in his first speech in front of the UA staff and students:

Violence became comfortable for the bnha world, mundane even, to the point heroes stop trying to find the root of the problems so they could treat it and the civilians stop trying to help because they thought it was the heroes jobs, not theirs. Serious issues were getting overlooked, the system was getting corrupted and the effort of the heroes was shallow, superficial, even if well-meant.

Tomura/Tenko in his thoughts:

Everyone just passed by, pretending not to see, thinking that some hero would save the day. Who decided to make the world this way?

AFO "rescuing" Tenko, kneeling down to hug him:

You'll be okay now... I am here.

⠀Let's take Nana Shimura as an example; she was a great hero, we all know, the one who trained Toshinori and taught him that the people who smiled when they were afraid were the strongest. However, she was not perfect and she shouldn't be regarded as such. She failed her son and her family, something Kotaro was right about.

Can a hero talk about justice if they sacrifice their families to save others? Why some lives matter more than others? Why are heroes allowed to decide who lives and who dies, instead of helping everyone they can equally in the measure of their context?

Bnha narration:

People... are not born equal.

What is a smile to a war?

You could ask what is the sacrifice of a kid for the safety of the world, right? A life for the safety of the entire planet?

For Endeavor, what were his children and his family for the glory of his name and the glory of the hero industry, for example?

What is Tomura to AFO? Toga to the media?

What is Deku —a quirkless kid— to an entire society of people with quirks and cool abilities?

⠀

We learned it through Kota in the Summer Camp arc and with Eri in the Overhaul arc. Both kids. One of them was a direct victim like Tomura of the hero society, the child of a broken family who had many reasons to hate what pro-heroes were; the other was a kid victim of the discrimination of quirks, a baby abandoned by her mother and used by criminal organizations for power and gain, just exactly what AFO did to Tenko/Tomura.

Deku could save Kota and Eri because he individually cared about them. No one told him there was a problem, he was actively looking. The same with Bakugo at the beginning, Deku didn't need a reason or a command, he didn't need the title or the suit, not even the quirk. He was doing the right thing.

Deku helped Kota because Kota was upset and he wanted to change that. He payed attention to Eri because she was crying. Same reason he found his way to help Bakugo, Todoroki and Iida.

What are they to Deku's journey of defeating AFO? Nothing. And everything.

Tomura talking to Doc Garaki and the LOV:

Every living, breathing thing just rubs me the wrong way. That weight in my heart is never gonna go away. So why not destroy it all?

⠀During his fight with Endeavor, AFO asked Hawks what was evil, what could be categorized as "wrong", why everybody got so easily offended. Then revealed that his main motivation of being a villain was because he wanted to make everyone bitter, everyone, inspired on those comic books villains.

In a way, it means "I am bad, everybody's bad too"

On the other hand, Tomura's motivation to destroy it all comes for the trauma of not being rescued. Why? Didn't he deserve it? Why people wouldn't help him? Isn't it because he must play the part of a villain?

Tenko asked his mother why his father hated him. Tomara also asked the UA staff what was the difference between villains and heroes using violence, the same way Toga asked Uraraka why people wouldn't help or save them (the villains).

There is real inequality in bnha: you have people like Spinner, Shinso, Hawks, Toga, Deku, Aoyama, Dabi, Tomura, Shouto, Hatsume, Aizawa... The list keeps on growing.

There are differences. Preferences even.

If you're a pretty metahuman to be used by the hero commission or a filthy "mutant" with a weak quirk, if you have a spooky quirk or a "villain" quirk, if you're quirkless or your quirk is not flashy enough or powerful enough, if you look creepy or are not "hero material", if you are hero material even if you don't want to be one...

Inequality. Discrimination. Society prescriptions.

AFO almost won, he almost made everyone mad and bitter, including Deku in bnha 367.

⠀

Go read what Nighteye told Mirio again.

The fight against AFO (and what he represents) isn't a fight of just weapons. It was a fight with the hero society itself.

Their indifference, their apathy, their prejudices...

A smile matters in a war because why the fuck would you fight for if the only thing your gonna leave behind is a bunch of broken people who wish they were dead.

Why would you rescue Eri if you're not going to fight everyday with her trauma so that she can be happy? Why would you leave Kota to live in pain and anger without his parents when you can make his life full of light again?

What about the Cultural Festival arc?

Or rescuing Deku from his suicidal mission?

Going for Bakugo and Iida and fighting for Shouto to melt his heart??? Shouto going for Dabi???

This is why what Hawks did to Twice was wrong, because he forgot the principle of a hero:

Every lives matter.

Every smile matters.

The reason Tomura doesn't see a future is 'cause no one has ever showed him otherwise. No one saved him back then and no one has saved him (yet) in 20 years. No one told him he deserved to live and be happy, no one ever stopped and tried to make him smile or laugh or ask him if he had friends or if he liked dogs.

AFO killed Tenko the day he put those hands on him and has been dragging his body around in a parade— and even when Tomura was screaming about pain and injustice and screaming about the problem of the hero society, no one listened to him, no one tried ro reach him.

Dead.

Except Deku sees him.

⠀

Every moment of the manga, every mission and arc, every panel and interaction, it has brought us here: to Deku asking AFO if Tenko/Tomura is still in there.

What is Tenko's smile to the bnha war?

Maybe the end of it. Maybe the defeat of AFO. You have a wounded animal that will try to attack you because it's in pain. Here are your options: you can kill every wounded animal you encounter or you can go search for the cause of their pain and treat it, so the next generations won't arrive at your door full of desperation and rage.

Everyone can be a hero, because everyone can do the right thing, everyone can make others smile, everyone can save someone one day just by telling a joke or being gentle.

⠀

A smile can prevent a war.

Which is more powerful than any weapon which could stop at war.

In summary, bnha is about a society ruled by violence and miscommunication learning that if they don't reach for each other, if they don't try to understand, if their only solution is to erase what make them uncomfortable... they're doomed to dissappear.

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iavenjqasdf · 4 months

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👷‍♀️occupational hazards🐜

WorkerAnt, the world's app-first construction contracting platform, revolutionized the building-building industry. All you gotta do is just scroll through a couple of boring legal things on your phone and check some boxes and voila; you have everything you need to try and build a living with your own two hands! Who needs a fancy degree, or the hassle of going to a trade school? I certainly didn't!

They didn't even make me do a drug test, or ask why my name and sex didn't match what it still says on my license, so honestly it's like a win/win for everyone involved.

I did my paid training in like 20 minutes; I just needed to watch a few videos telling me where to go and what I’ll get fired for, plus one on how to use pronouns respectfully.

I already knew most of the stuff they were telling me, so I pretty much just got paid to relearn what the right things to call myself are for liability purposes. I usually do that for free!

Every day, all I gotta do is show up at the check-in location, get handed all my tools, and then I take my mandatory 30 minute lunch break in the app right as I wait in line for the elevator up to the job site, so I can focus on nothing but work for the next 12 hours. I don’t need to worry about food anyways, because they sometimes throw pizza parties for us, and there might be a few slices left when I come back down.

Most of the time work’s pretty boring; I'm just hammering some boards together or whatever. The whole building looks like it's basically already all built, so I'm not sure what all the things we're attaching and connecting to each other are supposed to do, and I don’t get paid enough to care.

But I can’t complain. It’s an honest job; I have tasks to accomplish and all the tools I need to accomplish them, as long as I don't fuck something up.

I'm very happy with this arrangement and it's all worked out really great for me so far.

It does get a bit lonely up there sometimes though.

There is my one coworker, Lana; I think she might also be trans, though it's kinda hard to tell under the hard hat goggles and respirator I always see her wearing. But she's always polite at me and doesn’t give me any trouble, and the bits of her voice I’ve heard that aren’t drowned over by power tools sound really nice.

Sometimes I think about it even when she's not around, which now that I think about it is kinda like stealing from the job site, and that’s a firable offense, so maybe I shouldn't be doing it.

She tends to work late like me, too. It takes us both longer than everyone else to finish all our tasks, but at least they pay us almost as much!

Tonight, it's New Year's Eve, and we're the only ones still up there; hammering stuff together, unable to look out at the empty city below, lit up and then abandoned for the season, because I'm being paid the minimum tipped wage to cut a 2x4 with a dinky little dollar store dremel, and we have to finish up before the sun sets, cause the cost of running the lights gets taken outta your pay.

BZZSCHLKK!

And now my finger hurts too.

I look down, staring at the little squiggly meat piece of guy lying on the workbench, and after a minute I realize that oh shit, that used to be part of my right pinky.

So might the scarlet mist that now covers most of the walls and floor. I’m gonna have to get THAT painted over before the end of my shift, too.

First things first, though.

"Um, hey Lana?"

The whirring echoing from the other side of the room powers down. Lana pulls her plastic goggles over the rim of her hard hat, both now spritzed ever-so-gently with my crimson phalangemarrow. She looks only mildly concerned as she swims upstream along the spatter pattern.

One of the stickers on her hat catches the sunlight, holographic prism reflections dazzling my vision before my pattern recognition software kicks in-

Y-yeah, I know what that logo is. I’m too afraid to ask her if she does, too though. They make s*x t*ys, after all, and I think those are by definition Not Safe For Work.

Without saying a word she grabs my wrist, yanking my hand up to her face to examine it. Even under the visor, her eyes are red; bloodshot, and they scare me a little, so I try speaking up.

"Um, Lana, I think I need to go to the, uh. Hospital, place,"

"Why?"

I stare at her, dumbfounded for a second, before a pulse of pain reminds me of the severance’s urgency.

"W-well, to get it, like, reattached, y'know?"

She looks at the little meat squiggum lying sadly on the bench, letting go of my hand.

"Not really anything left to reattach."

Her voice is muffled by the respirator, but her expression is one of almost boredom. I feel bad for offending her, even though I’m not sure how I did it.

I try flexing a bit. OUCH! Bad idea. I pinch hard just below the cut, to try to keep more things from coming out of me. "W-well, we have to at least try…"

She eyes her own workstation impatiently, dying orange skyfire burning in the reflections of her eyes. A little spurt of blood squirts out of my pinky stump.

"Look, if you keep wasting time worrying about stupid little things like that, you’re not gonna last long here.”

What the fuck is she talking about?! I’m very badly hurt, and I need to go get it checked out right away. Tears well up in my eyes as I keep staring at where my finger now ends, just above the second knuckle.

I'll never get to pinky promise silly things to my little sister again; I’d only have a reminder of this loss, something permanently removed I could never get back.

I inhale a sniffle. "P-please, we gotta go. I don't wanna go around rounding up the number of fingers I have for the rest of my life."

She rolls her eyes, reshielding them with her goggles. "Would a round number make you feel better?"

"What?"

My dremel's motor whines to life as she turns back to face me.

"For symmetry, y'know?"

Her tone concerns me.

She grabs my good hand, forcing it flat against the workbench. I try to pull free, but my knees are still a bit wobbly from the pain, and I don’t want to risk any sudden moves around the little spinning amputation death motor, so I can't try too hard.

“L-listen, I’m sorry for involving you. J-just let me go and I-I’ll just clock myself out, and get to the hospital on my own…” My hand grasps at her, trying to push her away, but all I succeed in doing is knocking her respirator loose, and I gasp as all the gouges and scars and other missing bits of her face come into focus at last.

I see her teeth click as her jaw clenches, bone trembling with the purest expression of rage. Her knuckles are white around the dremel.

"Long term, working here is gonna take a lot more of you than I’m gonna.”

BZZZZZZSZCHLRRKKRRRRRK--

“Oh, hold on, it got stuck.”

My vision doubles and quadruples, the room swimming around me as I try to keep myself from passing out. This is obviously a dream, and hey, I haven’t had one of these in a while, let’s just try to keep it going right hahahaha-

WHRRRGGZZCCHLLTLTTTTTT!

The spinny deathblade plants another gentle kiss against my fingerbone, tingling my entire skeleton with electromechanical sparks. I stare at a bead of sweat tracing down Lana's cheek as the blade grinds through at last with a spray of calcium white.

The whine fades as the disposable plastic motor inside the tool gets gummed up with mutilated chunks of gore. My mouth hangs open making a noise and I'm afraid it's probably kind of a pathetic one. The bottoms of my goggles are filling up with tears, but that means I’m doing a good job of keeping the crying contained inside, so there's a chance Lana might still think I'm cool.

“There you go. Eight plus two halves equals nine. Almost as many as before.”

“ohgodohgodohgodohgod-” I wish I had something more interesting to say.

“What? I thought you wanted a round number.”

“Ijustwantedmyhandstobenormalagain-”

She pauses for a moment, then wanders off into the neighboring room, leaving me standing there, trembling alone in the dark.

I think about trying to find my own way back to the elevator, but I’m afraid of tripping over a lead pipe or something on the ground and having to use my damaged limbs to break my fall and mangling them further, and I don’t wanna get my phone all bloody to use the flashlight either, so I stay put.

Fireworks burst off in the distance, prematurely celebrating the dawn of a big new thing. I try not to look down at my mutilated handflesh, instead insisting my gaze on the sunset bathing over the city.

It's a really nice view, and I don't know if I'll get to be up here to enjoy it ever again.

“Okay, here, I can fix everything.”

She's returned, and I can’t get away from her because I don’t want to say no, so I let her take my bleeding broken hands and lead me to the workbench again.

Behind her gore-spattered goggles, I can see her eyes are swimming with tears now too, like she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing either, but I don't even hate her for it, I don't think.

"Here, just hold onto me. I'll fix you."

She presses up close, close enough that I can feel a bit of her heat even through her jacket. She takes my unrecognizably mutilated hand in her own and strokes it softly.

The lead in my stomach sinks deeper when I see that she's holding a staple gun in her other.

I tighten my grip, spilling blood onto her palm.

THUNK.

----------------------------------------

She sweeps the remains of my amputated digits off the ledge with her boot, sending little chunks of meat tumbling into the glimmering city grid. Thankfully, the night is cold enough now that I can't feel much of my hands at all.

Staple gun didn't work out too good.

She fiddles with something on the side of her hard hat, and a light comes on. It's kind of dim, but it's better than nothing.

We walk past piles of unsawed boards, boxes of nails and wrenches and other tool things. Neither of us say anything to each other. Even more fireworks are whistling and exploding above the city in the distance but I'm not getting paid to care.

She stands beside me in the dusk-filled elevator. We descend slow, neither of us averting our gaze from the doors sealed tight in front of us.

“Um, Lana?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think I'm coming in to work tomorrow.”

“You’re not,” she states plainly. “Any injury sustained on the clock is grounds for termination, remember?”

“Oh, right…”

We’re quiet for a while. I don’t like the silence, the emptiness, so I try to fill it as always. “Um, I’m sorry for getting you involved…”

“It’s fine,” she lets out a quivering little sigh and turns to face me at last. “I don’t think they were gonna keep me on much longer, either way. I waste a lot of staples…”

I pick at a little crooked piece of metal worming its way through the layers of fat and muscle that once made up our entwined fingers, wondering how much more might need to be amputated by the time we get to a hospital, then a laugh catches in my throat, when I remember we no longer have health insurance.

ao3

#📝#guro #ero guro #original fiction #toxic yuri #worker ants

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foxxyrola · 10 months

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Step 0: Learning to Learn

The biggest challenge in my self improvement journey begins with a question: "How in the nine hells am I supposed to sit my ass down and learn anything? My body just keeps pacing around, looking for yet another distraction. iwi"

Don't get me wrong, I desperately want to apply myself, just struggle in the initiation. And the follow through. I would take a few lessons in learning Godot for game making, then move on to something else, new and shiny. I'd learn all the Hiragana, but then not touch the Japanese language for weeks. All ambition, no action, or something like that.

Being fed up with this, I do get moments where honestly I sometimes just have to, well... Do things! Anything. I'm desperate for the dopamine hit of accomplishing something non vidya gayme related. I have to plant my ass in a chair (even if it takes an hour of pacing before I can even settle down), and give myself something to focus on as if it's life or death. I'd journal when I can. Watch some informative videos without absorbing much of it. Get stuck passively on self help YouTube and all that.

Well... It seems I got something out of it. Lately been looking into Cybersecurity (just a surface dive, like most of my dives are) and in addition to learning a little about certifications and stuff, I discovered that Coursera is a good place to find some lessons (for free too mind you, as long as you don't need their certificates or whatevs) not just for coding, but for many other things.

This is one of these (free) courses that I found: https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn

Yup, learning how to learn. Seems cheesy. Almost blew it off and didn't take it. But hey, night shifts give me a bit of free time each night, so chooms, I jumped in about a week ago and without a doubt, I certainly do not regret it.

So far in the first week of the course I watched all the necessary videos, and passed the simple quizzes for week 1. The course establishes two modes of thinking every human uses: focused and diffuse. Focused being when you think deeply on something you know how to solve already, following established prestructured neural pathways. Diffuse on the other hand being that abstract association you get when you passively sift through your brain, in sleep and relaxing, and when you're not actively looking for a concrete solution but rather let your mind wander and put things together.

Now, I've heard about routine and pomodoro techniques and taking breaks to space out learning, but it seems that with this course, something clicked. Applying the things I learned by taking personal summary notes afterwards and both actively and passively thinking about what I've just absorbed, I suddenly felt fulfilled.

I started a self care routine (nothing super much yet, just 2 hours of unwinding and exercise and meditating before bed among other things) by setting up a schedule in an app I found called RoutineFlow. Yeah, I'm not getting it consistently yet, but every day I try to at least take a step to do what I gotta do, that little push that'll help me work through stuff. I just want to get myself to do the basics so that I can grow from there.

Then I encountered my first obstacle: taking notes. The Learning to Learn course has optional materials: readings, interviews, all that fun scop. I go through fairly passively til I encounter one material. A short paper with notes on note taking from Harvard. Some 30 pages. I know I need this, I know I need to sit down and do this as it'll help.

But I couldn't do it. One day, then another day, then the weekend passes, and now I'm back at work again on Monday. My legs are restless, can't seem to sit down and do things.

So I start writing this blog. Immediately afterwards... I still can't do it.

I walk around, pace, try and sit down... Another 30 minutes passes before I open things up and begin taking notes. I literally force myself to sit, set a 25 minute pomodoro... Ok now just gotta focus in this time. Come on I can do it...!

Oh hey I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it! I start learning the material, taking some Cornell Notes on it(a good way to review notes and test yourself die to its structure) as soon as the time'l ran up, I take a break. Wow! That actually wasn't so hard. The hardest part was just sitting down and telling myself that this is what I wanna learn.

So over my free time at work over a few 25 min sessions, I learnt the importance of taking notes in my own words, reviewing them often but not cramming all at once, and testing myself on my knowledge.

It was just that first step. But hey, the more I do this, the easier it gets! Consistency, that's the name of the game. I may not have learned any new coding skills or any new words or anything, but the experience has been a most important one.

Anyways, as I finish this up, it is now time for my morning self care routine. Feeling accomplished, I think things can only get easier if I keep setting aside the time and rewarding myself consistently.

Just gotta put my ass in the chair.

#learn to code #codeblr #coding #writing #self improvement #self healing #im lazy #overwhelmed #learning #learn japanese #motivation

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myymi · 1 year

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hcs of tails acting like a house cat

before he pounces on stuff/is being given food, he chirps (if you don't know what cat chirps are look it up i beg they're so cute)

his sleeping position changes depending on if he's near someone and how much he trusts them (exposes his stomach to sonic&knuckles, curls up around shadow, etc.)

will knock an empty cup of the counter if bored enough

brings gifts to sonic sometimes (it's usually a really pretty rock or some cool leaf he found)

we all know he has puppy tail wags, but he also has cat tail wags (in short; his tails are always wagging. you just gotta find out why)

you best believe he follows the 'if i fits, i sits' rule

he stares down sonic whenever he wants his attention while they're in the same room

kitty kisses (slow blinks)

mid-night zoomies (was more prominent when he was younger, he's slowly growing out of it)

he scratches up the desks in his workshop sometimes

gets a tiny bit jealous when sonic spends too much time playing video games or watching movies and will crawl onto his lap or find some other way to interrupt it (sonic notices this every time it happens, he times how long it takes before tails breaks and curls up on top of him)

gets very sleepy in warm temperatures

big yawns before and big stretches after naps

#cat-fox tails has my heart #hes so cute i love him #sonic talks about it a lot with the gang #much to tails's embarrassment #miles tails prower #tails the fox #sonic the hedgehog #sonic #sth #myyhcs

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magnoliacharmed · 4 months

Text

Sextape

18+, CM Punk x Randy Orton one shot

[Also available on Archive of Our Own!]

Tags: mutual masturbation, porn video, porn with feelings

Word count: 2909

Summary:

Randy invites Punk over to his hotel room, then gets more than he bargained for.

Punk shoved his raggedy old duffle bag into Randy's arms and walked into the hotel room like he owned it. It was one thing Randy respected about him; he didn't act confident, he was confident. Sometimes, too much for his own good. But Randy was sure someone had said that about him in the past.

"Did you really need to bring all this shit with you?"

Randy stared down at the duffle bag while he kicked the door to the room shut. Punk sat down on the couch, sinking into it without a care in the world. He kicked his feet up on the coffee table in front of it and rested his hands on his chest, blinking pretty eyes at Randy's prone figure still standing at the entrance.

"This is a nice room, a lot nicer than anything they've given me. What do I gotta do to get a suite this nice?"

"Be me."

Punk huffed out his breath dramatically, then rolled his eyes. Randy was such a buzzkill sometimes.

"Or, fuck me. Then you get to stay for a night. Depending on how I feel after, at least."

"Oh come on, Randy. We both know you'll let me stay."

"Don't be so sure."

Randy threw the bag onto the couch beside Punk and walked back into the room. The sun was setting relatively quickly, no doubt because of fat clouds rolling in. They were tinted a pleasant shade of pink and purple and orange on their bottoms, with a threatening deep gray painting the top of them. As hot as it was outside, rain would soon come pouring down. Randy let himself stare out into the distance for a few seconds, tilting his head at the droplets that were already beginning to appear on the window pane, then shut the curtains.

Punk watched the whole thing quietly. Sometimes there were those little moments where he so desperately wanted to know what the hell was on Randy's mind. He wasn't sure he had the balls to ask him though, so he never reached out. The prospect of bothering him with an inane question, breaking whatever this little thing they shared together some nights… Well, Punk had come to enjoy it. So it was best to keep his mouth shut.

"You haven't even asked what's in the bag." Punk's voice held a hint of teasing in it.

"Probably something weird."

"Ouch."

Yes, the stuff was weird. But he didn't need to say it like that, in that deadpan no-joke unreadable way that made Punk twist up inside.

"Lucky for you, weird is what I'm in the mood for tonight. Open it up."

Randy made his way back over to the couch as Punk unzipped the bag slowly. He wanted to shock Randy, in fact he kind of needed to. The shock was what made it especially fun. There was only so many times Randy could call him a bitch or fuck him in some sort of semi-public space before it started to bore Punk.

"Tsk, tsk," Randy shook his head as he rifled through the bag. A red and white striped cheerleader's skirt, a cock ring, various dildos of different colors and sizes… the only thing that caught the barest semblance of his interest were a few DVDs.

"Not weird enough, Punk. Or maybe, predictably weird."

Punk felt like his chest was going to cave in very suddenly. Not weird enough? What the fuck?

"Uh… predictably weird?"

"Yeah, man. I knew you were into this kinda stuff already." Randy threw a transparent purple dildo into Punk's lap as he hit the bottom of the bag. He picked up the DVD cases and fanned them out in his hands. Two were about what Randy expected-- one held a perfect shot of a woman with her mouth wide open and come covering her lips, the other a barrage of stills of a man being fucked in a few different positions.

"Kinda looks like us." Randy turned the case around to Punk and smiled. Thank God. Punk was starting to think he fucked up.

The last case was strangely not of the dirty variety. It advertised some low budget action movie, the kind where every element on it looked poorly photoshopped on. A ripped white sheet of paper was slotted in the plastic covering that covered the actor's body. Randy popped open the case to find an unmarked disc where the movie should have been. He was stumped.

"And what's this supposed to be?"

The little gap in Punk's front teeth was cute. It gave him an air of innocence he most certainly didn't actually possess. Randy couldn't help but to let his cock stiffen slightly at seeing Punk beam up at him while it showed.

"A surprise."

Randy paused at how playful Punk had gotten. He knew to be cautious when he started acting like that. It was best to ignore it for the time being. Soon enough, Punk would spill his own secret. Whether that was because he couldn't contain it or because Randy would get it out of him one way or another was to be seen.

"A surprise? I don't know if I like your surprises."

"You'll like that one. But for now, it waits. Choose one of those other videos."

Randy sat the mystery movie down on the coffee table. He tried to figure out what kind of mood he was in as he looked at the other two videos. Watching Punk squirm while he took his time deciding made it all the more fun.

"Hm, okay. I think I know what I want. Close your eyes."

Punk shut his eyelids and crossed his arms over his chest. Randy turned on the TV and immediately muted it as he pressed a few buttons on the remote to switch the input to the DVD player. The plastic case snapped and popped when Randy removed the disc from it. Very shortly after he let the player take it, the menu queued itself up in all of its bright, naughty glory. Randy let the production logos start, then skipped past all of the scenery set up. Finally, he turned the sound back up just a little.

Punk was being a lot more patient than he expected. It turned Randy on more than he thought it would, so he hurried to remove his clothes. He lowered himself onto the couch, only inches away from Punk's figure.

"Open."

Punk wasn't sure what to look at. Randy sat beside him completely naked, eyes on higher alert than usual, stroking himself slowly for Punk's benefit. He felt his cheeks get hot as he looked up towards the video, the woman with her mouth agape on the DVD cover getting ready to take a large cock into her mouth.

"Undress for me. Then, press play and sit back down."

Punk was off of the couch before Randy could finish. He fumbled to get his jeans and t-shirt off, then rushed over to press play. When he returned to sit by Randy, he made sure their bodies were touching.

"You must have seen the case for this one at my house, huh?" Randy's breath hitched as he twisted around himself. The video wasn't new to him by any means, but it was good every time. He'd shot off to it more than a few times, imagining the dark-haired woman as Punk each time. She even had a lip ring just like his. He wondered if he should do a better job hiding his stash as he recalled Batista coming across it once while visiting and making the connection between the woman and Punk very quickly.

"Maybe," Punk didn't take a second glance at the TV. His gaze fell fully on Randy's body, on the way his chest rose and fell while he stroked away. His head was thrown back while he continued on, feeling the way Punk stared a hole through him. Punk grabbed on to his own dick roughly, applying lots of pressure while he watched Randy. It'd been some time since they'd done this together.

Randy's eyes, as blue as ever, shot open to return a look at Punk. The flush of his cheeks had spread across his cheeks, adding ever so sweetly to that innocent look he loved to put on. Punk felt especially seen, an overwhelming sense of pleasure washing over him.

"Don't you look pretty," Randy smiled at Punk like he was going to eat him up. It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Punk did look pretty coming undone just thinking about Randy.

"Just for you, Randy." Punk pressed his thumb hard at the base of himself. The woman's moans felt much louder in Punk's ear than they actually were. Randy could barely even hear them with the blood rushing in his ears.

"Just for me, fuck."

Randy groaned and took a deep breath. He let go of himself, to Punk's immense disappointment. Punk continued to stroke at the sight of Randy's wet cock bobbing in the air. Punk didn't know where he got the discipline from to just stop at a moment's notice. He certainly wasn't going to stop on Randy's accord. It was selfish, but Randy had come to expect it. He'd even started to get a thrill out of how much Punk couldn't contain himself.

"You can keep going, but I want you to come while I fuck you. So you'd better slow it down."

Punk made a tortured noise that was a cross between annoyance and restraint. He pouted and let his hand flop onto the couch.

"I think it's time for that other video now. This time, you go stand over there and close your eyes."

Randy sighed at the request, but obeyed. It only took a couple of minutes for Punk to swap out the DVDs and position himself on the bed. He arched himself up, shaking his hair out to get it nice and big, and turned his head his neck quickly to peek at Randy still standing in the corner. The remote rested right in front of him, ready for the final step.

"Alright, open."

There was a long, expected silence in the room. Punk kept his ass in the air and wished he could see Randy's expression. If he wasn't angry, he could bet he was surprised.

"What… the fuck?"

Randy could not take his eyes off the image of Punk's fucked out face filling the TV screen. He had a wild look in his eyes as he bit at the bottom of his smiling lip and looked right into the lens of the camera. Randy was right behind him, or at least the blurred movement of his legs were.

"I look hot, huh?"

Randy was too pissed to admit that he looked perfect.

"When did you do this?" Randy's voice was dangerously low.

"Does it matter?" Punk readjusted his arms. They were starting to cramp up.

"No, I guess it fucking doesn't."

The weight of the bed dipped when Randy climbed onto it. He grabbed at Punk's neck hard and forced him to look into his face.

"Are you mad at me?" Punk tried to reach up to give Randy a kiss, but couldn't move a muscle.

Randy took a second to answer. He was mad. Not because he'd been filmed without permission, he didn't care about that. He was mad because Punk had done it first, the sneaky bastard. He'd been planning on asking him if he could have a camera going for a while now. Now he had to come up with some new idea to keep Punk interested.

"I bet you wish I was, I know you like it when I'm angry. No, I'm not mad. I think it's sexy."

Punk almost let the wind get taken out of his sails before hearing that Randy said he thought it was sexy. He pushed his body back into Randy eagerly and inched his way to the remote's play button.

The volume had been turned up significantly from the sudden sound of Punk laughing ringing in Randy's ears as the video started. Randy watched himself pull Punk across-- his own bed? He filmed this at his house? He'd know those dark sheets anywhere. Video Randy grabbed at Punk's waist and pulled them chest to chest together, almost out of frame. He leaned into suck at the flesh of Punk's neck hard, making Punk moan as they both fell back fully on the bed.

It was all coming back to Randy. That session between them had been a particularly good one. Better than usual, and that was saying a lot. Seeing the video now, it all clicked in Randy's head. Punk put on an extra special show just for him.

Punk felt the slicked up head of Randy's cock press at his hole. While he thought they were both watching the video in a daze, Randy had reached over to the bedside table to rub lube onto himself.

Punk was on his back now in the video with Randy still incessantly kissing and sucking at his neck. Those bruises took forever to heal, he remembered. He sported them proudly around the locker room and let the other guys take a guess at which Diva had given them to him. With every new name that came out of their mouths, Punk laughed. Video Punk looked up into the camera when Randy entered him.

Punk of real life's mouth fell open when Randy took the opportunity to slot himself inside of him. He pushed back onto his dick and fucked back while watched the video play. It was unfortunate that the hidden positioning of the camcorder had muffled its microphone. Punk caught a few snippets of whatever Randy had been whispering to him that night and felt his cock twitch below him. He always knew the perfect thing to say. Randy continued to grasp at Punk's hips while he watched the video. What had made him so passionate that night, he couldn't remember. He was at Punk's neck like a vampire, moving from side to side then reaching up to say something obscene in his ear.

Punk moaned a beat off of his moans from the video, filling the room with a loud cacophony of his own voice. He was never not selling it. The smooth, tanned, tattooed skin of Video Randy's back had a bit of a sheen covering it from sweating. Video Punk licked the sweat that dripped down onto his neck as he looked back into the camera, then quickly pulled Randy in for a messy kiss when he began to look up in the direction of the lens.

"Very sneaky of you," Randy growled above him. He was sort of embarrassed at how ready he was to come this soon.

Punk was jumping out of his skin from Randy's pace. His cock swung around heavily below him, begging to be touched. He wanted to save it for right at the end, right at the perfect moment. Randy's legs shook as he continued to fuck Punk hard and the video played on. Not only did Punk look good, but he himself looked good. He always looked good, but seeing himself on video in the middle of sex really did something else for him. At least he knew if wrestling didn't work out, he could always be a pornstar.

Punk angled up to reach at his cock at the impending finale. He just knew it would catch Randy off guard. He of course knew it was coming up. He'd watched the video about a million times before finally debuting it to Randy.

Video Randy slowed down and grinded slowly into Punk, a lewd movement that made Video Punk's eyes shut. They were both about to come.

"God, you look so good, baby."

Randy delicately smoothed Punk's sweaty hair out of his face. In a moment that Punk was sure had to be a slice of heaven, Randy's lessened pace and loving expression sent him careening out to space. He returned the look back to him, his eyes saucer plate huge and adoringly staring at Randy. Together they both groaned in ecstasy, their orgasms wracking their bodies at the same time.

Punk's moan was guttural as he latched onto his dick and stroked. His come shot out on the comforter with rushed spurts that made his legs wobble. Randy followed suit shortly after, breathing heavily. It took him a long time to actually pull out of Punk. He waited for his blurred, wet vision to clear up while he watched the last minutes of the video. He had collapsed on top of Punk, whispering little inside jokes as they both tried not to pass out. Finally, Randy of real life pulled out and fell back on to the bed, his arms spread out while he stared up at the ceiling. Punk climbed off of the bed and headed to the bathroom to clean himself up. Randy hadn't moved an inch when he returned to lie down next to him.

"So, you gonna kick me out?"

Punk framed the question as a joke. Deep down he wasn't sure if Randy was going to send him packing, especially after his little videotape stunt.

"No."

"No?"

"No, Punk. I want you to stay."

"Okay."

Punk didn't press his luck as he moved in closer to Randy's body and the video quietly stopped playing.

#cm punk #randy orton #cm punk x randy orton #wrestling #magnoliafanfic #wrestling smut #wwe smut #wwe fanfiction

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