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heymiaj · 1 year

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Vegan Cheese Cause You Suppose Too??

It’s thanks giving and I just got done watching yet another inspirational YouTube video about becoming a full-time writer. For those that have followed me anywhere or known me personally, you know that one of my lifelong dreams is becoming the next Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Octavia Butler and most recently Issa Rae. Issa more than anything ! I remember when I first saw ABG (Awkward Black Girl ) for the new Issa fans on Youtube :

youtube

I saw myself so much in that character and always thought that if me and this girl were to ever meet in person we would be best friends ! From there it opened me up to a whole new world of story telling. I found Black & Sexy TV ( no it is not a ebony porn site !) and fell in love with shows like The Number, Chef Julian and my favorite That Guy . I spent much of my college days trying to write a script loosely /tightly based on my shitty ass relationship at the time but for some reason it just never seemed to come out right . I eventually published my first book of poetry in 2016 and I’ve got to say , it was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.

For the first time ever I was able to call myself a published author and it was everything. A few more life events unfolded since then from having one of the worst mental breakdowns of all time to finally being diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. I felt like my whole world was over and I was somehow broken. Knowing what I know now there are a whole lot of people that deal with this shitty condition and probably take way more meds than I did at the time but my self worth was in the tank. I felt like the only way to make myself happy was to deal with the things that made me feel worthless :

1. My weight

2. Money ( or the lack their of )

3. Having to work a 9-5 in the first place when I knew I was destine to do something great that included me choosing my life and how my day goes.

4. Simply just not being able to sustain myself off writing alone.

I managed to be in the best shape of my life shortly after but I didn't have a job and I was still living with my mother so I figured lets put all out focus on #2. Well it took 4 long years but I am finally in a place in where I don't have to think twice before I treat myself to a hamburger or a nice pair of boots at Aldo . I finally have my dream apartment in the city and I can finally pay my car note without risking not having a place to live. I’m not working a 9-5 in the traditional since of things but I still haven't managed to get a weekend off. I’m sure if I keep applying I can change that soon , right ?

I know what your probably thinking why is she complaining and I get it , when you look at my list from all accounts it looks like I’ve crossed everything off my list but , I’m. Still. Not. Happy! Money is flowing but with more money comes responsibility ie: rent, utilities, groceries ,amenities, I hate my job with every fiber of my being but ...those damn responsibilities. I’m still 15-20 pounds away from my ideal weight but a touch of body dysmorphia and delusion I’ve convinced myself that this vegan cheese was the answer but I could’t be more wrong.

As I quickly swiped my vegan make and cheese back into the garbage I grabbed my phone in search for the cheapest carry-out delivering on thanksgiving day. As I scrolled through the options on Uber eats , I was reminded of a word I assigned myself shortly after my move, Accountability.

When I looked at all the things I was stressing over I had to ask myself what things need to be held and what things can be set aside or removed completely.

THINGS WE GOTTA HOLD vs. THINGS WE CAN LET GO

A Job. School

My Apartment School

My Car and yes your guessed it ..School!

I’ve been pursuing a Masters Degree one class at a time since the end of 2021. Unfortunately as we come closer to the finish line I’ve come to the complete and utter realization that ...I could really give a fuck about a MBA. Between me working odd hours and trying to survive my daily job with out quitting is a task all in itself. These odd hours along with no weekends off had begun to take a toll on me. I was tired of doing the same old hustle and finding no peace or purpose in what I was doing and I need more. We all know my job at this point is something I can’t just let go, I have to be strategic when it comes to the source of my income and bearing through its torture is a must until something better comes around. Though its a drag I have to remind myself that I am able to have my dream space and a vehicle because of it however, when it comes to school I find myself asking every semester , do we need this ?”

Though I can’t deny that this degree will open a lot of doors for me once I achieve it am I willing to keep putting what little time I have for myself into it? At the moment the answer is no but who knows after this hiatus I may see the need again but at this moment I have to honor myself.

They say go to school cause that’s what your suppose to do but like this vegan cheese I am being honest with myself in stating it’s not for me , and with that I free myself to go out and truly find what that is !

#thosedegrees #live #vegancheese #tv #writer

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banglatown · 3 years

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okay, hello all,

i hope you’re all well! i don’t know what the fuck this is going to be but i’ve wanted to do it for a while i’ve mentioned before tht i’ve wanted to talk abt my history regarding body image and how it’s it’s affected me but it’s been difficult as it was triggering for me so i couldn’t but i’m here now; idk where but ik if i don’t do it now i’ll never have the courage to do it again so;

#starting from the beginning; i was a very chubby baby and was so until i was abt 6? and my dad’s step-sister would call me fat and would #train all the other kids to call me fat too ... good lord ... anyway; as i grew older i lost lots of weight and my bones would stick out and #tht was just who i was ...#but then i got into my early teens and i started to gain healthy weight #and my cousin who i grew up w and consider my best friend was always the skinner one of the two of us and would constantly go on abt how #she wished she was as skinny as ariana grande ... knowing full well i’m bigger than her #and thus i think age 13? the eating disorder began #i did things which i’m ashamed to talk abt but just take my word for it .. it wasn’t good #i guess i’ve had body dysmorphia ever since #not to mention the fact that i am from 🇧🇩 and ppl back home are very cruel regarding weight and made my issues #w my body even worse :-) and so that’s just how it was ... i gained and lost weight got fat and skinny shamed ... by the same ppl!???? and #just hated anything and everything regarding my body #and then 26 april 2018 i made one of the worst mistakes of my life and began a relationship w my ex who abused me mentally physically and #emotionally ... of course #feeling the need to fat shame me repetitively ...#but at the same time ... my relationship w my body had changed? it was my first year of uni and i had started working and buying myself cute #outfits and all of a sudden i no longer hated my body? but wanted to adorn it? and of c he hated how much love i had for myself so he’d put #me down whenever he could ... but sometimes #you get hurt so much ... it kind #of sends you to another place? like i was like ‘why do i care what he thinks?’ and i stopped caring #bc all of what he’d do was projection #and i’m #sorry but i can’t fake humble just bc you’re insecure #i refuse to be a what you use to project your insecurities onto .. it’s not fair and it’s not my fucking #fault you hate yourself .. it's rly not #i will cont. in the nxt post as i'm running out of tags #tw abuse #tw body image #beebs.txt #big sis beebs hours 🕰🤎🧸

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destructrice · 3 years

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Despite all of the info I have and being on my 20s, I feel like a closeted teenager googling “what is my sexuality” buzzfeed tests and always getting the same result but still not buying it so my life has been a long sequence of questions like

- Are you attracted to women? Yes

- Are you attracted to men? Maybe theoretically? Like actors are handsome but wouldn’t date them if I had the chance

- Do you want to kiss and have sex with women? Yes

- Do you want to kiss and have sex with men? No

- Do you fantasize about women? Yes

- Do you fantasize about men? Not naturally, only if I push myself to it and it’s mandatory there’s no penis involved

- Do you want to date women? Yes

- Do you want to date men? I guess I could stand a fully platonic non-sexual relationship

- Have you ever been with women? Yes

- Were you satisfied with that? I had some complicated relationships because of my body dysmorphia and what now I recognize as internalized homophobia but overall yes

- Have you ever been with men? Yes

- Were you satisfied with that? No, it was like an out-of-body experience

And so it goes

The funny thing is I’ve been taking these magazine/online tests since I was like 8 and started getting attracted to women and here I am, in the same place I was as pre-teen

#LGBT #comphet #questioning #lesbian #bisexual #i just don’t know at this point #personal but ok to interact with

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pearl-blue-musings · 3 years

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Not Alone Shinsou x fem!reader x Kaminari

This is incredibly self indulgent and absolutely terrible in terms of my writing because i was really going through it (still am but we’re not gonna talk about it)

However I must say, as someone who has anxiety, depression, and body image issues you’re not alone. I know I’m awful at talking about my own feelings, but please feel free to open up to a friend, me, or anyone you trust. This stuff is disheartening to go through alone and I’m with you.

Pairing: Prohero!Shinsou Hitoshi x fem!reader x Prohero!Kaminari Denki

Warnings: anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, body image issues, feeling overwhelmed, shitty writing

As always minors dni

It was later than you had expected when you returned to your apartment. You quietly shut the door behind you as you remove your shoes, as to not wake up or disturb your roommates. It’s not every day you get to share an apartment with two well known heroes. You were aware of their crazy and sometimes unpredictable schedules, but shockingly they both had today off. And since you’re their respectful roommate, you wanted them to rest as much as they could.

You could have sworn the two of them were dating with how close they acted, but that didn’t prevent you from crushing on the both of them. You did your best to hide your feelings from them to the point you were just hurting yourself so they could be happy and blissfully unaware. It was better that way, you were just their civilian roommate who made their own apartment less expensive. That’s all you were.

So it didn’t matter that you came back from your high school reunion in tears and full of shame.

Shinsou knew you were going to be coming back late but wasn’t aware how late. He did offer to join you, knowing how those kind of events can be to keep you company. Not just because he’s your roommate, but somehow he had grown to care for you; and he picked up on his first roommate catching feels for you too.

They were a strange pair, Shinsou had to admit. He didn’t think he’d be rooming with the eclectic blond but here he his. Personally, Shinsou thinks his higher ranked friend fell for you first; love at first sight most likely. Denki will deny it to the purple eyed man whenever you’re not around, but Shinsou knows better. They’ve been friends for years, roommates for over a year so he’s fairly sure he knows Denki well enough. However, one thing was abundantly clear to the pair of friends, things haven’t been the same between them since you moved in.

Maybe it was petty jealousy between the two men when it came to you, but they would always try their best around you. So when you had told them you were going to a high school reunion of sorts the both of them offered to accompany you. You had turned them down, opting to go alone considering you knew it was their day off. You couldn’t do that to them. Your rejection had hurt them in a way they didn’t think was possible. Once you were gone they had a brief conversation about it.

“Shinsou we’ve been friends a long time and I just wanna say-“

“I have feelings for her too.”

Denki blinks at him, words and breath stolen from him. “Well, yeah I could tell! So why don’t you just go for it,” the blond adds on as his voice tapers off.

Shinsou rolls his eyes. “Idiot, I know you like her too. That’s why I haven’t done anything.”

A hearty laugh leaves the blonds lips as he shakes his head. “Look at the two of us, falling for the same girl. Who would have guessed?”

The look in his bright gold eyes stirs something in Shinsou that he’s acknowledging for the first time. Is this the way you see Denki? He would never admit it, but there’s something about the dynamic between the three of you that just works. You’re not only a great roommate, but an incredible friend. You always listen to their hero woes and they lend an ear to issues with your profession. Groceries, chores, everything was always evenly divided; everyone helped everyone. It all just fit.

“I guess we both just have good taste.”

The two of them spent the day lazing around, playing video games, and put on a movie until you got back. Both males were eager to talk to you upon your return and did their best to stay up for you. Unfortunately, both men fell asleep in Shinsou’s room watching a movie, the blond resting on the other’s shoulder.

Denki woke up to the sound of shuffling around the apartment. He noticed Shinsou was still sleeping and the look of peace on his face made Denki’s heart race. He slowly removes himself from the sleep deprived man and decides to go greet you.

He slowly walks out of the room and heads toward the living room where he thinks you are, but all he sees are your purse and coat dropped on the couch haphazardly. That’s very unlike you. If you went to your room he would have heard you, where could you be?

That’s when he hears it.

You were confident your two heroic and very attractive roommates were asleep when you rushed into the bathroom sobbing. The words and looks your former friends wouldn’t stop swimming and swirling around in your mind. You did your best to shut out their slander and lies but it was no use.

You were too ugly.

Your body had changed for the worst.

No one will love you.

You were lucky to have been with someone in high school.

It all wouldn’t stop. You knew were taking a risk wearing your confident and favorite outfit, but that was torn to shreds from their sharp tongues. Your eyes meet yours in the mirror as your body morphs right in front of your eyes. Gone was the confident woman from five hours ago. All that’s left is a broken lonely nobody who even her roommates wouldn’t want to look at.

Sobs racked your body as you grip the sink for leverage. Tears fall freely, messing up your make up –what’s the point really?- as your body shakes with your cries. You want to punch the mirror in front of you, rip off the clothes and burn them, pick and scratch at yourself until you become the desirable person you want to be. You want it all to stop, why can’t you look better? Why do you look the way you do ?Why aren’t you prettier? Why, why, why why –

“(Y/n)! Hey, hey it’s me!”

Your eyes shoot open as you look in the mirror and see your blond roommate staring at you. You feel your heart drop at the sight of him and his shocked expression. He reaches out but you brush him off. “Don’t touch me,” your voice betraying you as it cracks. You try to push past him, but he’s unmovable.

“Sunshine, what happened? I’ve never seen you like this, talk to me! Don’t make me wake up Shinsou.”

Your lip trembles at his empty but truthful threat. Your flight or fight kicks in as your mind racks up new thoughts.

He’s just saying that.

He doesn’t actually care.

Neither of them do.

You’re just their ugly roommate.

You do a slight combination of both. You attempt to escape the bathroom while pushing through Denki. He grabs onto your arms lightly to hold you in place, causing the two of you to bump into the door frame.

You shake out, “let me go.”

He only holds on tighter. “Not an option! I’m not letting you go until you stop crying.”

“Denki,” you almost wail, fresh tears falling, “let me pass! Please!”

The way you said please struck something in the blond, and he hesitantly lets you go. Only for you to ram into Shinsou’s chest.

You look up into his lavender eyes and close yours tight. “No please not you too.”

Shinsou glances between you and Denki, trying to get a read on the situation. “What exactly is going on?” Looking at Denki he squints his eyes. “What did you do?”

“Me?! I found her like this! Why would I make her cry?”

“Because you’re impulsive,” Shinsou deadpans. He ignores the blonds scoff and turns his focus to you. With your arms crossed, your nails are digging into your skin. He calmly places a hand on your shoulder and leaves it there despite your tiny flinch. He guides the two of you to sit against the wall adjacent to the bathroom door. “What happened, kitty cat? I need you to uncross your arms and breathe, okay?”

You reluctantly agree and unfold your arms. This gives both guys a better look at you and your frazzled state. Denki sits to your right, taking your hand in his and he begins to rub calming circles on the back of your hand. You want to pull back but it feels too comforting. Shinsou stays in front of you, making sure that you’re breathing slower. Your voice cracks as you begin to speak.

“I shouldn’t have gone to the reunion. I, I had those thoughts again but they were so much worse and I just,” you couldn’t finish your sentence as you began to cry again, tired and defeated. You feel Denki squeeze your hand and pull your head to lay on his shoulder while Shinsou rubs your knees affectionately. The soft and caring touches calms you down to regulate your breathing. This isn’t the first time your anxiety and body dysmorphia decided to work in tandem but it’s the first time it’s gotten to this low. And whenever it would get to the point of you shaking, either one of them would be nearby to help you. Having them both here was something you didn’t realize you had been needing. It was nice, it was ideal.

The blond next to you nudges your side and makes you look at him directly. “I know you struggle with your image. But you should know, I think you’re one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. Shinsou thinks so too!”

You spare a glance at your other roommate who’s holding his neck now, visibly embarrassed. His deep purple eyes meet yours and you already know that Denki is telling the truth. A truth you didn’t think would be possible and struggle to believe, but a truth nonetheless. You crack a smile at your roommates and your heart warms, if only for a moment. This doesn’t solve everything, but it does help in the present.

Shinsou returns to caressing your legs carefully before starting to get up. “C’mon kitten, take my hand. I think it’s time we go to bed.”

“Uh, we?”

You feel Denki nod as he pulls you to stand up. “Yes we,” he says soothingly, “you should know Shinsou here is a great cuddler.”

That makes your heart sink as you take their hands. The blond is quick to see your demeanor change and switches holding your hand to holding your cheek. “What did you just think? And I know it wasn’t anything good.”

You can’t help but lean into his touch, but the anxiety at what you’re about to say begins to overwhelm you. So you were torn at opening up right now, but brave it anyways; gotta start somewhere. “The, the two of you. I don’t wanna interrupt anything you have going on. I’d be a bother – “

Your words are silenced as you feel a warm pair lips on yours. When your eyes open you are met with sharp golden ones staring into your very being. “(Y/n) listen to me. Well first, we’re not dating, I mean not yet anyways.” He pauses to grin at the two of you and you catch Shinsou roll his eyes. “But we both want to be with you. We both care about you and want to always be there for you on your down days. Being strong every day is hard and we’ve seen it! Just, we want you to see you the way we see you!”

His excitable aura is infectious as a genuine smile adorns your face. You meet his gaze and his face is beaming. The electric blond goes to hold your hand again but his hand is pushed away by his friend. “What gives? I just wanna hold her hand, you can’t have both!”

Shinsou rumbles out, “you’ve already kissed her. I at least want a turn.” He cups your face and presses a chaste kiss on your lips. He pulls away almost hesitantly before he continues. “And a chance to say that we discussed some stuff after Denki was jealous you wanted to go on your own.”

“You were jealous and upset too!”

“Minor details,” Shinsou scoffs out, “but we both have strong and genuine feelings for you. And strangely enough it turns out the feelings between all three of us are mutual.”

You place a hand over your heart at the proclamation. The both of them? All three of you? It was peculiar, yes but maybe this is just what you needed.

You swallow the lump in your throat as you take a hand from the both of them in yours. “This is a lot to process,” you admit, “but could we talk about it in the morning? I just want to go to sleep.”

“Of course, Kitten.”

“Absolutely, beautiful!”

Both men had responded to you at the same time, making you laugh heartedly. You miss the smiles that come to their faces at your laugh as you walk slowly down the hallway. You had a feeling you were headed toward Shinsou’s room considering he had the bigger bed than you and the blond. You squeeze their hands tightly as you eagerly await the cuddle session and sleep you’ll get with these two. You’re certain that it’ll be some of the best sleep of your life.

The three of you had much to discuss in the morning, but for right now you’re content being in the middle of your cuddle pile as they wipe away any stray tears that fall from your eyes. You know the two heroes aren’t going to solve your problems, but they became a lot easier to handle whenever they would act up in the future.

~~~~~~~~~~

#shinsou hitoshi #denki kaminari #shinsou x reader #shinsou x y/n #kaminari x reader #kaminari denki x reader #denki x reader #denki x y/n #shindenki x reader #shinsou x reader x kaminari #my writing #i did the thing #self indulgent #this is so shitty #minors dni #shinsou x female reader #denki x female reader #shindenki x female reader

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demivampirew · 3 years

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So I had this idea. Henry has this girlfriend right, and she's pretty independent. She never has the usual worry about money (and not just because she's dating a rich man). Later Henry finds out that she has an Only Fans. It's not explicit, she usually posts very tasteful nudes that don't show the good bits or her face so she stays anonymous. Obviously he confronts her about it.

What I want to know is, how do you see that interaction going down? 😘

Henry’s been acting weird all day. He’s barely said any words to you after work and went straight into the pc room to do some gaming for a while. “Probably he didn’t have a good day at work,” you thought so, in an intent to make feel better, you brought a piece of salted caramel cheesecake that you know he loves.

“Come in” he replies to your knocking at the door.

“I’ve brought you salted caramel cheesecake, baby” you indicated with a big smile.

“Thanks but I’m not hungry. Could you please put it in the fridge for later? Thanks” he asked without taking his eyes from the monitor. Despite the politeness of his words, his tone seemed sharp as a knife, plus he didn’t call you “love” or “sweetheart” or “princess” as he always did. This wasn’t about work, it was about you; he was mad at you.

You waited for like it seemed ages for him to come to bed. When he finally came into the room, he avoided talking and laid on his side of the bed and did not try to hug you as he was used to doing. Pressing your head against the pillow so you wouldn’t make any sound, you cried yourself to sleep.

The next morning you decided that you wouldn’t allow the silent treatment anymore: if he had a problem, he would have to talk to you about it or you would go somewhere else where you feel more appreciated.

Kal moved his tail with excitement when he saw you enter the kitchen. Henry had woken up before you did. Not only he had breakfast before you were up, but he didn’t even raise his head when you approached him to acknowledge your presence. “That’s it!” you thought bitterly. You grabbed his phone from his hand and put it away from him so all his attention would be focused on you.

“What’s going on? Why are you ignoring me?” you demanded an answer “And don’t say “nothing,” you warned when he was about to answer and you guessed his answer. He remained quiet for a long minute, staring at the kitchen counter and then he looked at you.

“I found your dirty secret,” he replied and seemed upset.

“What are you talking about?” you questioned, confused.

“You have an Only Fans page.” he clarified.

“So? What’s the problem with that? Do I need your permission to have a page where I post pictures of MY body? you asked him “I certainly don’t recall you ever asking me permission to filmed a sex scene or a shirtless scene in your show. And, you shouldn't ask me, by the way; your body is yours to do what the hell you want with it and so my body is mine to do as I please. I know that because you have to do naked scenes in your work doesn’t mean that you want or plan to cheat on me or anything like that and, that’s the same thing for me. I struggled most of my life with my body image and after a long fight with body dysmorphia and eating disorders, I’m finally happy with the way I look and I feel sexy and I want to share it. That does not mean that I want anybody else to touch beside you. Having a page where I can share pictures of my body and making some money off people who find me pleasantly looking, helps to my self-esteem. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this to you, since judging by your selfies you seem to enjoy women complimenting your looks. Why can you share flattering pictures of your body on social media for everyone to see and I can’t? Am I your partner or your property?” you finished your rant and fled the room before he saw you cry.

Thankfully, the house had another room for you to sleep on since you were mad at Henry and didn’t want to spend the night next to him. It wasn’t until two days after your confrontation that you would speak to him again.

A big package was delivered to the house to his name and you received it for him. Normally, you would not open something that didn’t belong to you, but you heard his voice asking you to do it. You gave him a look of suspicion and after opening it, you saw one of your pictures printed as a portrait.

“I hope you don’t mind that I had it printed. I loved it too much and I think we could hang it in the living room in our house when we return after I finish shooting the show,” he told you, a bit shyly - you could see that he felt guilty. “You’re right...about everything. I’m so sorry for making a big deal about it; mostly since I know that I have no reasons to be jealous because there are no even doubts on my mind that you are and will always be faithful to me. And also, I think it’s cool that my princess is so beautiful and hot and other people can appreciate your beauty,” he admitted as he hugged you from behind and kissed your neck. “I love you,” he said and continued to embrace you for a long while.

Hope you like it, babe

#henry cavill #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill one shot #henry cavill drabble #henry cavill x reader

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sad-sweet-cowboah · 3 years

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Of My Barest Thoughts

Summary: After giving birth to your daughter, the changes your body experienced throughout and after pregnancy has placed a negative impact on your mind. Your husband Arthur, however, has a different perspective.

Warnings: Postpartum body dysmorphia

Word Count: 1253

A/N: I’ve heard it’s common for women (and others who have given birth) to experience body dysmorphia postpartum. I’ve never been pregnant so this isn’t a personal experience, however this was an idea I came up with after coming across a body positivity graphic for new moms.

The mirror hadn’t been your friend lately.

You didn’t recognize the woman standing in front of you. What once was an image you could describe as beautiful has turned into the opposite. What used to be self-love had morphed slowly from disdain to disgust. You couldn’t believe how much had changed.

You eyed your nude reflection slowly, scanning every fine feature. The cellulite trapped within your thighs. The patches of discoloration peppering your midsection, highlighted by the band of stretchmarks and loose, wrinkled skin surrounding your navel. The rolls hugging your waistline. Your once perky breasts now engorged with milk, your nipples swollen from your little one’s suckling.

Pregnancy had certainly taken more than its fair share on your body.

You ran your hands along your stomach, the faint reminder of excitement of wanting to meet your baby just a mere flicker of dying light in the back of your mind. Regretting the decision to have a child was never a second thought, though the aftereffects were something left to be desired.

How could this happen?

Turning to view your side, seeing how much your belly poked out. Your midsection took the brunt, your muscles still regaining strength after a month since giving birth. It almost seemed as if you were a shell of your former self, knowing you’d never return to that former state, and you hated it.

The bedroom door creaked open, and you spotted the reflection of your husband walking in. “Jus’ changed her diaper and put ‘er down for a nap,” he spoke without looking directly at you. As he closed the door, his eyes met yours in the mirror. “Whatchoo doin’?” he asked, stepping up behind you.

Ever such a large and handsome man, Arthur was always taller and broader than you. More than once he described how much he loved your body, worshipping it in every physical, emotional and intimate manner. Being new parents meant true affection for one another was far and few in between. His attitude toward you never changed despite the fatigue, although often wondered if it was forced, perhaps his physical attraction for you was dying.

“Just…looking at myself.” You mumbled to him, trying to keep your voice neutral.

Arthur however was not fooled. He caught your furrowed brow and slight frown tugging the corners of your mouth. Placing his warm hands on your waist, he replied, “Admirin’ how beautiful you are?”

“But I’m not beautiful,” you sighed heavily. “I look disgusting.”

“What makes you think that?” he asked, his frown matching yours.

“You see what I see, don’t you?” you huffed, gesturing toward the mirror. “I didn’t look like this before I got pregnant.”

Arthur’s eyes slowly raked the entirety of your figure, viewing every inch of your naked skin. You searched for a look of disgust on his face. He instead wrapped his arms around you in a loose embrace. “I see my gorgeous wife, nothin’ else.”

You scoffed in disbelief. “C’mon Arthur, don’t do that. I know you can see a difference.”

“The only difference I see is a strong woman who became a mother,” he responded softly, leaning forward to rest his chin on your shoulder.

“But my body changed so much,” you muttered sorrowfully. “I hate it.”

“That really botherin’ you that much?” he asked, meeting your gaze once again.

“Of course it is, I looked so different before the pregnancy, hell I looked better!” you complained. “But I gained weight, I have loose skin and ugly stretchmarks. I must look ugly to you too.”

The look Arthur gave was genuine shock and confusion. He straightened up and moved one of his arms from your waist, sliding his hand to caress your jaw. He turned your head to look at him directly. “Why would I ever think that?”

Pulling your head away, your eyes cast downward shamefully. “Because I know how much you loved my body before… I don’t think you’d like it now, not like this,” Your breath shuddered as your eyes began to sting with the threat of tears. “I feel so unattractive to you now.”

He released a small exhale and murmured to you, “Y/N, look at me.”

You were hesitant, almost afraid to see his reaction. Blinking the beginnings of tears from your eyes, you slowly turned your focus back to him. His eyes were soft and loving, just as they always were.

“I love you,” he spoke plainly, placing his hand against your cheek. “I don’t care how your body looks.”

“But –”

“Let me finish,” he gently interrupted. With slight pressure, he turned your head back to the mirror. “I know how much a woman can change while she’s pregnant. That’s somethin’ I could never do, nor ever completely understand,” his voice was low and peaceful. The hand still wrapped around your torso moved to rest upon your abdomen. “You carryin’ our child. Every day I watched her grow bigger inside you, and you couldn’t have looked more beautiful like that.”

His words allowed a ghost of a smile to touch your lips, except it wasn’t enough to banish the self-deprecating thoughts. “Doesn’t change the fact that after all of that, I look like shit.” You murmured to yourself.

“You don’t,” his voice hardened slightly. Fingers trailing along your stretchmarks, following along the fine ridges as if tracing patterns. “I see it as a reminder of how strong you are,” His calloused palm tickled your soft flesh as he journeyed upward, briefly cupping your breast. “How much you changed to care for our little one,” back down he ventured, exploring your curves like a well-read map. His fingertips dragged along your thigh. “Nine months of nurturin’ a new life, nothin’ short of amazin’.”

His touch soothed you, beginning to calm your hammering heart and woeful mind. You hardly noticed you were leaning completely against him, allowing his warmth to encompass you. “Arthur…” you sighed quietly.

He gave you a warm smile in the mirror, releasing your face to push your damp hair aside to bare your neck. He pressed his lips against your shoulder, placing a trail of kisses along the junction. His path halted at the shell of your ear, his breath giving a slight tickle. “I still think you’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever met. Ain’t nothin’ gonna change that for me, sweetheart.” He whispered.

Heat licked at your cheeks and a small smile of your own finally graced your face, bashfully averting your eyes as if you were a young girl again. His arms encircled you once more, pulling you completely into his loving embrace. He began to rock you with a slow rhythm, and kissed your cheek.

“I love you,” he repeated. “Every part of you.”

Tilting your head to look at him directly, noting the adoration on his face. You smiled at him and responded, “I love you too Arthur, so so much.”

He smiled even wider at you, leaning in further to lay a sweet kiss onto your lips. “I hope that was ‘nough for you.”

“More than enough from you,” you quietly giggled. “But reminders are nice too.”

“Guess I owe ya that much, after you’ve been tellin’ me for years to respect myself,” Arthur replied, tucking stray locks behind your ear. “Gotta return the favor. Can’t have my lady feelin’ bad about herself now.”

You hummed in response, turning around in his arms to face him completely. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you stood on your toes to kiss him once again.

#Arthur Morgan x reader #modern Arthur Morgan #modern au #Arthur Morgan

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moonsabbathfire · 2 years

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I never understood when people have big groups of friends, like how??? Also it’s true, why do the meanest or rudest people have the most friends?? This summer is going to suck. I say that because every year I realize how much of a loner I am and I’m constantly reaching out to people to have a nice time with, and instead get nothing in return. Crazy. Summer always brings me anxiety because of this reason and little bit of my body dysmorphia, which! Has gotten better, like A TON better, which I am proud of myself for, but I still get bad days sometimes or don’t like to show skin for very long, sooooo with summer you can’t really run away from that. Back to the friend thing though, it’s just crazy how I’m always reaching out, never in my life have I been invited to road trips or just trips in general with them, they always go with other people. Yet every time they want to hang out I’m always there or when they need to talk, I’m always there, but never any invites or anything. I’m just confused, what exactly am I doing wrong here? Every time I get ignored I literally feel like I’m too ugly or I’m disgusting, like what is the actual problem, and if there’s one why can’t they just reach out and discuss the issue? I will apologize if I did any harm or said something wrong, I will take responsibility and accountability, but I really can’t trace anything back where I’ve ever been mean to any of my friends I just don’t get it. Sure I’m a chatter box, I love talking to people and getting to know them or just have long conversations about movies/ music/ spooky things, like I love all that! Idk I just wish some people were more direct with me. If you don’t want to hang out or be my friend anymore you can tell me, it saves my time and energy, and I won’t be having this guessing game with myself. All I can say is my boyfriend is literally the only person I have, obviously as a lover, but as a true true friend. He’s the only person that cares and I am so fucking grateful for him. That’s also not an issue between us either. If either him or I want to hang out with friends or have them over or whatever we never hold each other back it’s always like “yeah go out have some fun, enjoy yourself!” That’s never an issue and all my friends know they are always welcome here at our place any time. I feel like this friend situation has gotten worse ever since I really started to love myself more and be kinder to myself. I’ve taken a giant step of how I’ve felt about myself from the past to now and boy it’s so much nicer. I was horrible and cruel to myself before, I look back and think how much I didn’t deserve that for myself. Now that I have been accepting and loving myself more, friends seem more distant, it’s crazy. I’m not asking for a whole lot here. I’m not asking for that large group of friends. I’m not asking to be around each other 24/7. We all have lives we all have jobs and things to get done, I get that entirely! That’s a given! But I know when people choose me over others and I actually have been lied too before of someone making an excuse to not hang out with me and said they had family issues and I was like okay no problem. To only find out they lied to go hang out with some other people even though we had planned in advance it’s just a shit show you get it. Anyways this is long but I just needed to get it off my chest somewhere and just feeling incredibly depressed. Looking forward to better days.

#fake friends #vent #venting #friends #terrible friends #depressing shit #summer #loner #text post

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harrypotterandthefandomaccount · 4 years

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Do I Have to Tell You More?

request: Ahh could you possibly write something with Snape x short curvy reader? Where the reader is really shy but also very clingy and soft?

warnings: body dysmorphia(I think?), not feeling good enough

note: this hit close to home lol but im sorry about this cus sev is so ooc and I kinda put my own mix on this request. plus its been so long since I've updated, whoops

You stood in front of your mirror, your hands softly grabbing at the sides of your stomach that seemed to protrude extra fat that you didn't think you needed. Stretch marks hugged your skin around your hips and your thighs rubbed together, causing a slight pain.

Your boyfriend, Severus Snape, had been grading tests long after school had ended for the day, leaving you alone in your shared quarters. At first, you thought you’d have some peace and quiet and maybe catch up on some lesson plans, but once you saw yourself in the mirror, your plans changed.

Looking at your outfit you wore, you questioned how you looked so big in the clothes. Taking off your robes, pants, and shirt, your body dysmorphia grew. Extra fat on your hips and stomach, stretching your skin, your thighs too big, your breasts too small/big.

Sighing, you looked away from the mirror and glanced at the clothes that littered the floor. You already dreaded cleaning those up. Looking back at the mirror once more, tears filled your eyes as you wished your boyfriend would show up and save you from your own thoughts.

It was as if he read your thoughts because Severus promenaded into your room, his cape flowing behind him.

Turning around, you both made eye contact, his eyes glowering over your almost-nude body. Your fists clenched and unclenched, staying by your sides as he strode forward to you.

“My love,” he started, holding onto your cheeks, “why are you standing here in front of the mirror?”

You sucked in your tummy, trying to appear more attractive as a tear slipped down your cheek, “nothing! Nothing, just... looking at the new lingerie I got for you.”

He tilted his head, “I know you’re lying, sweetheart.”

Looking up at the ceiling, you held your tongue to the roof of your mouth for a quick second, “why me?”

Severus rubbed his thumbs over your cheeks as you leaned into him, “what do you mean? You need to talk to me, darling.”

“I don't get it, Severus,” you whimpered, looking him in the eyes, “here I am, with my extra fat on my stomach, thicker thighs, smaller/bigger breasts, when you could easily go find other prettier women around here, in Hogsmeade. I don't get it!” You yelled the last part, feeling his hands still on your cheeks as you almost grew angry at him.

Yelling was certainly foreign to you, and that was something that drew you and Severus together. Your shy, quiet side was something everybody but Severus saw, as you dropped your walls with him. Most of the time, your time together consisted of sitting by a fire, legs upon his lap as he would slowly drag his fingers up and down, both of you enjoying different books.

However, tonight was different, for obvious reasons.

Severus pulled you close as you nestled your face into his robes, “my love, I would never leave you for anyone else in this entire world. Galaxy, even! Plus, your curves, mhn.” He hummed, gripping onto your waist as you shivered.

Your breaths evened out as you rested your hand against his heartbeat, “you are absolutely beautiful, my love. I want all of you, even the lies you tell yourself. You say extra fat, I say more things to grab onto during our... activities.. and more to love. You,” he leans down, pressing a kiss to your head as his hands lay on your behind, “have the body of a goddess and I guess I’ll take on the task of showing you.”

Looking at him confused, Severus dragged you to the couch in front of the fireplace setting you on his lap horizontally as he kissed your cheeks, your nose, your lips, your neck, whispering praises of how gorgeous you are. Stopping him, you kissed your boyfriend, leaning into him as your hands wrapped around his neck, one hand in his hair.

“You are an absolute blessing in my life, you know that?” you asked, laying your head on his shoulder.

Severus chuckled, “and you are to mine. I mean it, Y/N.. Everything I say, I mean it. You tell me whenever you’re thinking those lies and I’ll show you how absolutely stunning you are, my queen.”

Clinging onto his robes, you kissed his cheek, “I love you... please don't ever let me go.”

He attacked your face with kisses once more, “I love you too, my love. I would never dream of it.”

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lombredanslaeu · 4 years

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hourglass | lee jeno

▸angst, fluff i guess??

▸ summary: sometimes, love just ain’t enough.

▸ WARNING: eating disorder, depression, body dysmorphia, starvation. if any of the above triggers you or if you are not comfortable, please refrain from reading the story.

All your life, you never really cared about your weight. As an engineering student and a part-time musical theatre actor, you never had the reason to be conscious of your body. Engineering required only your brain; no one cared what you wore or what you looked like in class. Musical theatre didn’t have as much standards for appearance than it does with vocals. Your body wasn’t that bad anyway. You were considered skinny by some and many grew envy about how you could eat so much and not gain a pound immediately. However, your perception of your body changed the day you started dating Lee Jeno.

You met Jeno when his company’s CEO decided to treat its artists with tickets to a Wicked show. You got the greatest opportunity of playing Elphaba; with your impeccable vocal talent, it wasn’t an effort to grace the stage and awe the audience. Your production always valued you not only because of your talent, but also because of your warm personality. You first made eye contact with Jeno when his company’s CEO took them backstage to meet the cast after the show. You had time to talk for a while as the CEO became deep in dialogue with the show’s director. It was Taeil who first initiated a conversation with you as the others, especially the youngsters, were too shy to start a conversation with anyone. As everyone warmed up with the other casts, you never failed to notice how Jeno was love-struck with you.

“Wow, your voice is defying the laws of gravity,” another member, Johnny, said to you.

You blushed and shook off the compliment. “Thank you so much. That meant so much to me.”

Everyone scurried off to different areas on the backstage. You were caught off-guard when one of the younger members, Jeno, talked beside you.

“How long have you been performing?” He asked.

“Only just for a year. I wasn’t planning on making this long-term. I only wanted to play a few shows here and there.” You explained. “but, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity of being Elphaba.”

“That was one of the greatest performance I’ve seen in so long.” He said. “I actually really enjoy musical theatre.”

“Really?” You asked, shocked by his confession. “What’s your favorite musical?”

“It used to be Cats,” He said, smiling shyly. “But I think know it’s Wicked.”

“Oh please,” You chuckled. “Cats is a really good show.”

He looked at you, laughing shyly. “Do you like frozen yogurt?”

“I like frozen yogurt,” You smiled.

It wasn’t long before you found yourself going on secret dates with the heartthrob. You would bond over coffee, books, and broadway musicals. You never knew he liked musicals. There would days where he would help you practice songs for your next show and you would watch him practice a choreography for a comeback. You both found the one thing that kept you closer and closer: the love for performing.

“Seeing the happy faces of my fans is one thing,” He started, staring off into the night. “But the look on my parents’ as they say how proud they are of me, is what keeps me going.”

You stared at his side profile and swallowed a lump in your throat. “They have every reason to be proud of you.”

He turned his head to meet your eyes. His eyes lingered on yours for a while before looking down at your lips. You blushed at the feeling he had over you.

“You’re really pretty.” He started. The statement took you by surprise. Not a lot of people tell you that you’re pretty but, if it comes from Jeno, any other doesn’t matter anymore.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” You chuckled. You’re not lying. Jeno has the looks that could make anyone wrapped around his fingers. “I feel like I don’t deserve to be under your gaze.”

“Of course you deserve to be looked at.” He said, more seriously this time. “I could build a gallery of you but that would give me more competitors so, I won’t do that.”

“Jeno, if you wanna kiss me, just do it.” You said. You wanted to punch yourself for what you just said. Normally, you would freak out and leave from embarrassment. But now, you held your gaze stronger. You had no idea where the courage came from.

And he did. He kissed you like you were the only thing that mattered. It didn’t end there. Later that night, he showed you how beautiful you are.

Sometimes, he would sneak out, with a member or two, to watch one of your shows. He would stare in awe at how people give you their applause. As the spotlight shine down on you, it was like he was seeing a goddess grace everyone with her beauty.

“Dude, if you don’t ask her out, I’m really gonna do it,” His friend, Jaemin, announced beside him.

“I already beat you into it, punk.” He responded boastfully. The shocked look on his friend’s face made him laugh.

Your peaceful relationship was cut short when his boss found out about the thing going on between you two. To say you were shocked by his calm and accepting nature would be an understatement. His company approved of your relationship. It was like the stars have aligned just for the both of you. The news broke out and spread like wildfire on the internet that night. You were too busy rejoicing with your lover that you failed to notice the threats and harsh comments of furious fans until the next morning.

You were supposed to wake up with the bird chirping and the sun shining just for you. However, you found yourself with an unfamiliar feeling in your gut. It was as if you were scared to do anything and go outside. You knew how ugly criticism from fans could be. You understood that many would not approve of your relationship but you accepted that. His company accepted the relationship and his future in NCT is not affected. At the end of the day, the comments would just float around the internet and disappear before you know it.

“You can block off the comments, you know,” He said.

“Yeah, but I think criticism can always help me improve,” You said. You didn’t want him to hate his fans.

“Those aren’t criticisms, Y/N” He replied. “Those are bashful comments.”

“It’s okay, Jeno.” You smiled, pecking his lips. “I can manage.”

Outfits are an important part in musical theatre. They distinguish which character is which, even if the actor is an understudy. You were casted as Regina George in the musical remake of the hit movie, Mean Girls. The director and costume head requested you wear a crop top and skirt for the role and you said yes; after all, you liked really girly outfits. You were looking over your closet and picked out items that might fit the role. You tried on an outfit that you think was a good combination. You looked at yourself in the mirror and felt a slight wave of worry come across your chest. Jeno’s fans might see your show. What would they think if they saw your body was no match to any female idol that Jeno has interacted with? You walked over to your phone and searched up healthy diets for a good figure.

Jeno had a day off and he wanted to see you practice your songs. You both sat at the couch of your small apartment with lyrics sheet in front of you.

“I wanna have pizza for lunch. What kind do you want?” He asked, fishing his phone out of his pocket to order.

“Oh nothing, I’m kinda watching my figure.” You said, looking down to avoid his eyes. You’re still not comfortable in telling people about your diet, especially to Jeno.

“Are you sure? You can burn those off in work outs anyway.” he said, concern washing over his eyes. It worried him that you weren’t eating. Food was one of the things you both bonded over. You had a fancy palette. He thought it was best to trust in you for now.

“I promise. Olivia makes very good hearty meals. I will eat dinner later.” You said.

With so much going on between theatre and your college life, there is only so much you could do in your free time. Working out would take so much of time and with deadlines as the semester is ending, you couldn’t find any time for it. So, you resulted in skipping meals. You only had two more weeks until the Mean Girls show. You just had to make sure your stomach was flat till the end of the production.

“Do you think my cheeks are too full?” You said to Jeno, squishing your face in front of the mirror.

“I think they suit you.” He said before pinching your cheeks. “It’s also really fun to squish.”

“Ouch,” You chuckled before playfully slapping his wrists away.

“You don’t have to worry about them.” He said, wrapping his arms around you. “They make you who you are.”

“That’s very cheesy, babe,” You said while chuckling.

“Y/N, you don’t have to change because other people wants you to.” He replied, more serious this time. “I’ll make sure you believe that you’re the prettiest girl that I’ve ever seen.”

You were stuck with a question on your Physics quiz. You hadn’t eaten anything since you woke up. While you were standing in front of your mirror, you liked how flat your stomach was. The first show happens tomorrow night and you planned on keeping your body that way until then. The lack of food in your system resulted in your brain not working well. You spent many sleepless nights studying for Physics. Usually, you would have solved this problem in under 5 minutes but right now, you only had a minute left in your quiz and you just can’t seem to figure out what to do. On top of that, you were feeling very light-headed. The ding of your professor’s alarm struck a sharp pain from your ears to your head. You winced as you struggled to stand up. Your seatmate looked over to you, checking if you were okay but you smiled it off. You also regretted telling Jeno about your stupid diet because all he did was bug you if you ate already.

jenobear [11:34 am]: babeee, did u eat already??

jenobear [11:34 am]: oops i forgot u have ur quiz. good luck, love <333

jenobear [11:35 am]: make sure u eat, ok?? I love you.

You sighed and typed out an answer. You said you already ate. You hated lying to him but him being overseas made it easier for you somehow. The night of the show came at last. You sat backstage as Olivia helped you with your hair.

“You look pale. Are you okay?” She asked, concerned.

“Yeah, just a bit light-headed.” You replied. “It’s not like I haven’t performed with a headache before.”

“Okay, sure,” She sighed. She knew you too well. You didn’t like to be bugged with questions, especially if you’re preparing for a show. “Wanna eat at that new wings place? Heard it’s really good.”

“Sure, I could need some wings after the show.” You replied. All you needed was to be in shape for a few hours.

The crowd roared their applause as you, and the other casts, bowed as the show reached its end. You felt a migraine creep up your head and you knew its because you haven’t consumed as much food as you needed to lately. It also felt weird that it made you a bit nauseous when your eyes met the spotlight. You were glad bottles of water is all around the backstage. You picked up your phone and smiled to see messages from Jeno and the other members as well.

jenobear [9:30 pm]: never not proud of you. congrats on your show, love. <3

Lee Haechan [9:45 pm]: Y/N!!! Congrats on your show. I’m sure it’s amazing!

Kim Doyoung [9:50 pm]: Sorry I wasn’t able to go, Y/N. I’m sure you did great tonight, Regina George :)

You smiled and thanked them. You decided you wanted to call Jeno but a notification from a social media site distracted you. One of Jeno’s fans came to see the show and posted pictures of you with the caption “Y/N is very talented! I hope to see more of her shows soon~~” You blushed at the compliment. You know you shouldn’t have but you looked at the replies under the post. Your heart fluttered at the sweet compliments. You thought maybe dating an idol isn’t so bad after all. Over the sea of praise come a harsh comment that caught your eye. “I’m sure her vocals are amazing but she should work on her body.” , “Regina George wouldn’t have a match stick figure.” , “she’s kinda bloated. If only she worked on her love handles, I would like her.” You felt a sickly feeling to your stomach. You took each and every word to heart. You scrolled back up to look at the picture the original poster took. You zoomed in on your body and saw what they were talking about. The girls who played Gretchen and Karen, your character’s fellow mean girls, had Barbie doll bodies. Their curves hit at the right places and they had slim legs. You knew that you shouldn’t let this affect you. You have talent, you have personality. But, you also wanted Jeno’s fans to like you. That led you to texting Olivia to cancel your chicken wings plan.

You prepped yourself to see Jeno again after 2 months. He had schedule after schedule and his team went overseas for at least 2 weeks. You limit your diet to soy milk and water. You looked at yourself in the mirror and you could see the changes. Jeno would definitely notice as well but, you liked how you looked. Your jawline was prominent, your waist was thinner, and even your legs got slimmer. It wasn’t easy slipping out of Olivia’s invites for take out and dinner but you managed, somehow. You started to notice how concerned she got each day, especially this morning.

“I grabbed you breakfast, it’s an omurice.” she said, with a warm smile.

“I can’t eat rice, I’m watching my weight.” You said, slurping down the soy milk.

“Since when did you care about your weight?” She asked.

“Since I realized that my body wasn’t in the right shape.” You made sure none of the words came out as bitter or else, she will suspect something was wrong. She didn’t stop bugging you and it started to make you cranky so you just gave in. After consuming the omurice, you couldn’t deny that you felt better. But the guilt started kicking in and the next thing you know, you’re sticking two fingers down your throat in an attempt to vomit what you just consumed. You stared at the mess on the sink and that’s when you knew something was wrong.

“I missed you so much,” Jeno said, as he held you close to his body.

“How are you, my favorite boy?” You stared lovingly to his eyes.

“A bit tired,” He said, taking off his cap and fixing his hair. “But I slept the whole flight.”

“Do you want to just chill here?” You asked. Everyone in the door went to see a movie with the older members. Jeno and Jisung chose to stay behind since they had plans. He snuggled closer to your body. He noticed how your body didn’t feel familiar. He could definitely tell that you were losing weight.

“I am a bit hungry though,” He responded. He wanted to see you eat. It worried him to the core about thin you were looking lately. It wasn’t obvious when you two would FaceTime but it was more apparent in person. He felt you shift slightly at his response. He spoke before you could. “Have you been trying to lose weight?”

“I just wanted to be more fit.” You said, your heart beating faster each time you lie. “I’m working out.”

As someone who works out to maintain his body, Jeno knew well that your body wasn’t a result of working out. But as someone who cares about their appearance, Jeno also knew that he shouldn’t jump into major conclusions yet. He knew how horrible the talk about weight is and he didn’t want to put you through it. Besides, he knew you and he knows that you wouldn’t lie to him.

You felt conflicted as you noticed that Jeno was becoming concerned about how thin you got. To make him believe that you were well, you agreed in eating take-out with him for lunch. You know what to do after, anyway. As you wait for him to finish showering, you decided to check your social media accounts. You tapped on instagram to replied to a comment Olivia wrote on your new post. You laughed silently at how your friends gave funny compliments. Your eyes browsed through the comment sections. Normally, it would be filled with comments about your face, body, and how you didn’t deserve Jeno. This time, it was filled with compliments about how great you look. “I wish I had her body :(“, “Body goals oh my god”, “SKINNY LEGEND QUEEN”. You felt your cheeks blush at the compliments. You realized that the thinner you got, the more you got full of praise. You intend to keep it that way.

Jeno scrolled through his twitter feed and saw an article from a k-pop news page. It was an article about your drastic weight loss. He looked at the pictures included in the article. There were pictures of you from months ago with your old body. Jeno reminisced the first time you met. You looked healthy and happy. You didn’t have the curviest figure, but you were healthy. Following the old pictures were recent pictures of you, both from your recent social media posts and pictures from fans during your latest theatre shows. Your ribs were more prominent and it created a tidal wave of concern to wash over Jeno. He didn’t realize how much he missed the old you. The one who was never scared to try different food. Now, it was like every time he asked you to eat with him, you always refuse. But, he was too kind to base a fight over your appearance.

You sat across the couch with Olivia. You two decided to watch the latest season of The Office.

“Wait, let me use the bathroom for a while” She announced. While she did her business, a phone on the coffee table in front of you lit up. Your phone was laid beside hers so you looked over to see it was her phone that had the notification. What you didn’t expect was who sent her the message.

You have one new message from Lee Jeno.

You didn’t know what to think. It would be immature of you to accuse them of being unfaithful when you don’t know what the message contained. But why would she text him? Why would he text her? As in on cue, Olivia came back from the bathroom.

“Uhm, Liv” You started. “Why are you texting Jeno?”

She stared at you. She knew what you would think but she promised Jeno she wouldn’t tell you about what they were talking about.

“Oh, you know what?” You said suddenly. “It doesn’t matter. You two can be friends and I trust both of you.” You tried so hard not to sound jealous because you weren’t. Olivia is like a sister to you.

You knew well that she wouldn’t betray you like that. She smiled slightly and offered you the popcorn. You shook your head and she snapped.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Y/N” She said. You were caught off guard by her outburst. “You wanna know why I’m texting Jeno?”

You gulped, maybe you don’t want to know why. You changed so much of yourself to please him, his fans, and his management. If they betrayed you like this, you wouldn’t know what to do.

“You’re starving yourself, haven’t you?” She asked, her eyes burning holes into your skull.

“I-I’m not…” You stuttered. You thought you were good at lying but apparently, you’re not.

“Really?” She said. “Ever since you started dating Jeno, all you cared about was your weight. We don’t eat out anymore. We don’t cook anymore. What bothered you? Is it him? Is it the fans?”

You know you could never blame anyone, but yourself. It wasn’t their fault you turned out this way. It was one thing to hear about your weight loss from concerned fans, but it was another when it’s coming out of your best friend’s mouth. You didn’t realize that tears were falling out. The moment Olivia wrapped her arms around you, everything collapsed. All the pressure, the frustration that built up inside of you for so long. The urge of wanting to eat, to feel what it was like to taste again. The anger you felt for yourself for letting it become this bad. It all collapsed and fell from your eyes.

“Here, there isn’t a lot of sugar in that,” Jeno offered you some cookies. You decided to visit him in the recording studio. You were doing so well. You decided to enrol yourself in a support group, as well, and you’ve never missed a single meeting. But you knew you were only forcing it. You saw Olivia and Jeno cry over your situation. It was unfair that you bring them into your mess. Maybe if you say you’re fine loud enough, you’ll believe it.

“I’m proud of you.” His eyes sparkled as he said those word to you.

“I love you.” You responded, before leaning in for his lips.

It took everything in Jeno to let you know how much he loves you. By the way his lips merge with yours and how his hands worshiped every crevice of your body. Each touch symbolizes that you are the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes on. You knew that; but, you wish you could believe it. With every praise that heat your cheeks, comes a wave of hate that consumes it all. Will a beautiful body make it all better for you?

You hurried to your bathroom the second you got home. Olivia was out to her boyfriend’s night, leaving you alone with your habits. As your fingers hit the spot on your throat, you felt the hot bile rise from your stomach. It burned and left a sour taste to the back of your mouth; and you loved it. You missed the sensation of your stomach being empty. You never knew how much you liked the feeling of being empty until you felt it again.

“Am I not enough for you” Jeno spoke, his eyes attached to his hands that are clasped in front of him.

“What are you saying, babe?” You asked. You tried to see where this was going. You made you sure every lie that came out of your mouth was believable; why is he saying those things?

“I try so hard to make sure everything I do for you is enough,” He said. It was obvious in his demeanor that he was tired. “I worry about you all the time. The members try so hard to cover up for me every time I needed to tend to you.”

You chuckled, “So what is this? You’re telling me I’m a pity party?”

“No,” He shook his head, not believing the attitude you’re giving him. Frustration was starting to let itself be known on his features. “What else could you possibly want? I give you love, I give you space. I get tired as well, you know.”

That’s when it dawned on you. Love is not enough. Love won’t come magically and heal everything. Jeno could give you all the love in the world but it won’t be the remedy. Love doesn’t fix everything. You can’t just go up to a broken person and expect romance would suddenly want them to dance on their grave. It doesn’t work that way. You never had the courage to tell him that. In retrospect, you wish you had it in you to say it.

“You’re enough for me, Jeno.” You said quitely. You didn’t know what else to say. All this time, you never blamed him. But here he is now, throwing it all back at you. You still won’t blame him though, he doesn’t know what it feels like; you’re glad he doesn’t know how it feels like.

“I don’t know how to help you if you can’t help yourself.” He said, sighing as if he has given up. Maybe he has given up. The people who left you before has taught you to swallow every plead to make them stay. That’s the only think you could stomach to swallow right now - the words to make him fight a little longer. You didn’t know how much long it would be for you to be okay, or if you could actually be okay. But, you knew better than to run after others when you can’t even stand for yourself. Some nights, you feel yourself drown in cold sweat. Your body felt like it could give up on you any minute. You laid still and wait; but it never came. You wondered how much longer.

Jeno has a bright future ahead of him. The news of him being single again gave him new schedules that would give him exposure to different opportunities. He didn’t regret leaving. He still occasionally see your musical shows just to check how you are. You will never know this but he hopes it’s always sunny wherever you are.

a/n: i hope you liked this. this hit close to home. i would like to remind you that if you are experiencing symptoms of any mental illness, please check with a professional. mental health is a topic that i hold deeply in my heart since i have experience from mental illnesses. i would also like to remind everyone to always be kind to others - whether it would be our friends, people we don’t like, and even idols. let’s not contribute to anything that could affect them negatively. as always, feedback and requests are always appreciated. love u all <33

#lee jeno #jeno x reader #jeno x you #nct jeno #jeno imagines #jeno angst #lee jeno angst #nct dream #nct au #nct dream imagines #jeno timestamps #jeno fluff #nct imagines

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justloosecannons · 3 years

Text

The Breakdown / Jake ft Eden

when: 3/25 where: jake’s room mentions: koda and wesley description: after their argument, eden comes by - and it spins into the reveal of all the impacts of jake’s selfishness trigger warnings: mentions of surgery, body altering, dysmorphia, and sexual acts and/or mentions of cheating, self hatred @partialhearts

Eden:

she can't just leave it like this, it's been days, she hasn't seen jake, or heard from him and she knows she's hurt him. he's breaking her heart, all over again, does he know that? it's obvious jake has no idea what he does to eden, or how difficult this has been for her, too. "is jake in?" she asks koda when he answers the door, exchanging a few quick pleasantries before she's rapping on jake's door for his attention. "jake -- can i -- can we talk?"

Jake:

he hadn't gone out with the friends that he should have - instead, attempting to numb the hole in his chest with alcohol and bad decisions. the most recent of which, happened to be a scuffle with a guy at the bar. one that had been obscenely bragging about hooking up with the love of jakes life. and for that, he got a busted lip and a black eye. but, if you asked jake - you should see the other guy. hearing a series of raps at his door, his heart caught in his throat at the familiar voice. "y-yeah?"

Eden:

she has no idea what is going to come of this talk, but she knows that her and jake have to work out some kind of boundaries. eden has to apologise, at least. "i heard -" she swallows thickly, seeing the damage for herself now. "i heard you got into a fight." she feels guilty somehow, because this is so unlike jake, he's not the violent type. "are you okay?"

Jake:

she steps closer, and immediately, he's ingulfed in her scent and without meaning to - it soothes him. "i'm fine." he nods, scribbling words off to the side of the book hes reading before sliding a bookmark into place and dropping it to the nightstand. "you don't have to look at me like that." he sighs, noting the look of worry on her features. "it's alright."

Eden:

it's not alright, since when did jake get into physical altercations? she sighs, pushing forward so she can get a better look but she keeps herself at a safe distance. "jake -- this isn't like you." but that's not what she's here for, so she swallows down her pride. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry for kissing you. i shouldn't have let that happen."

Jake:

“oh.” he rasps, immediately assuming that the girl had regretted such an action, which somehow only makes him feel worse. “okay - that’s... yeah.” he swallows thickly as he shifts just enough to let his legs hang off of the bed. “it won’t happen again.”

Eden:

she's been selfish, thinking she could have her cake and eat it, thinking that she could have jake, and every other guy that looked her way. she was doing everything that he had done, playing from a book jake had written. "i just - i was still holding onto you, i guess. i think maybe i always will be.

Jake:

there was a small ounce of him that felt reassured by her mention of an always holding onto him. for, he knew there was no one else bette suited, or with settling down for. “i shouldn’t have made any sort of assumptions - it was just jarring...”

Eden:

guilt settles heavy in her chest, and she stares at jake, stares at his black eye, stares at his sad puppy dog look. he always looks like he's been kicked when he speaks to her. "you always make me feel like i'm in the wrong."

Jake:

his head lulled forward as he let the words sink in, feeling heavy and a lot like there was a crack all the way down his body that he couldn’t mend. “you aren’t wrong. i deserved all of this.”

Eden:

it's not up to eden to decide what it is he deserves, she's not doing this in purpose, it's not as if she thought it would hurt jake. "i nearly killed myself trying to love you, jake. i turned myself inside out trying to be perfect, it was all i wanted - you were all i wanted."

Jake:

guilt sets heavily in his chest once more as she speaks, leaning his head back against the wall behind him. "i..." he cleared his throat as he leaned over to rifle through his bag for a moment, handing her another note, scribbled with an little piece of paper that he had considered giving her prior (see notes channel). "here i..." he held his hand against his bruised stomach as he sat up.

Eden:

she stares at the paper, and all it does is hurt. "you give me crumbs." eden snaps, tears building in her eyes. she can't take it anymore, all of these notes, these bullshit promises you keeps making me like you're dangling a relationship in front of me on a god damn thread. you don't want this, you've never wanted this. i fucking did everything i could to be the perfect girlfriend, everything except take care of myself."

Jake:

"i- what?" his brows furrowed as his eyes flicker over her features. didn't want her? it was quite the opposite. how could he have been so impossibly bad at showing that. "that's not.... eden, that's not true. you.... you have to know that i loved you... right?"

Eden:

"did i know that, did i?" she says, tears streaming from her eyes. "you didn't love me, if you loved me you would never have hurt me, you would have thought about what you were doing every fucking time you ran off with someone else. you think it hurts? you think seeing me with other guys hurts? imagine what it feels like doing that....for years, for fucking years. i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, you were all i thought about. i was scared of putting on weight, i was scared of cutting my hair in a way you might not like, i was scared every time you didn't pick up the phone. you....loved me, because i was stupid enough to let you walk all over me. because i was the dumb fucking dog that wouldn't leave your side, no mater how many times you left me out in the cold."

Jake:

the words empty into the air and seem to slice into him, burying themselves deep inside. at first, he's confused - lost on how anyone that he felt so strongly about, could ever feel like they weren't loved. but, the longer that she explains it, the deeper his heart sinks, realization rolling over him again and again. "no that... that can't be right, eden. you.... you're the only.... you ...." but, he didn't have an argument, because everything she had said, was valid. "it wasn't like that." his voice cracks, ready to explain exactly why he had been such a fool all along, his hand immediately wiping a tear from his face.

Eden:

he doesn't get it, he never has, he's selfish, he can only see his own pain, his own insecurities - he was too focused on himself that he never saw how broken she was every time she let him back in. "i gave you...every piece of me that i had. i did everything you wanted." the woman stares at him, pleading, just hoping for once he'd fucking understand. "and you couldn't even stay. you never stayed, you took any opportunity you had to leave me. i could cry, and cry, and cry, but it didn't matter to you. why don't you see that?"

Jake:

he’s quiet. no words, whispers, or pleas. for the first time in his life - he feels an overwhelming and all consuming amount of self hatred, realizing that he was running and searching for affirmations whenever he felt he needed them, because he felt like he wasn’t good enough - and all the while he had been doing that to her. “i never... i never wanted to be the guy that made you feel that way. i...”

Eden:

she can't stop herself from crying, now she's finally letting all out, there's no stopping the downstream of tears that comes. "you didn't want to be any guy for me." she says, her throat hoarse. "you made that perfectly clear. i wasn't enough, i was never enough. all i wanted was to be yours, it was all i ever wanted. i didn't want anyone else. so i'm sorry if the way i'm acting is hurting you, and i know it sucks, but i'm not doing this for you, or to hurt you. i'm doing this for me, because all i've ever done is bleed myself dry, for you."

Jake:

the organ that once was his heart, is gone - missing entirely as he looks at her with wide, devastated eyes. he had somehow made her believe that she wasn’t worth every star in the sky. the one thing he was assigned to do as he boyfriend, and he had fallen short. wiping his face, he can only manage a nod - understanding entirely that he had single handedly wrecked a future with the only woman that he loved. “i understand. he whispers, chancing one more look at her as his lower lip trembled. “it was never about you - for the record. it was me. it was my own things. you... god, i loved you so much, i couldn’t breathe. but... fuck.”

Eden:

eden shakes her head, it's too little too late, it's the same fight, every time, he tells her he loves her, like it makes a difference. "you loved me, but you loved fucking around with other girls more." she states, her eyes red, tears still falling, but now it's frustration rather than upset. "i have to live for myself now, i have to, because if i keep doing this - jake i can't."

Jake:

he wants to beg. to plead. to tell her a million times over that he hadn’t realized what he was doing. that he needed her. but, her words sound a lot like giving up, and he can’t bring himself to blame her. not after the new information he’s been given. “i understand. i... i didn’t know how awful it was, and now... i’m almost mad at you for staying.” the laugh that pulled out is so painful. “i’ll leave you alone - i didn’t know that i was making things worse.”

Eden:

"you just don't get it, do you? everything i did, every move i made, it was all about you. i could have gone anywhere for school - anywhere but instead i chose to stay here, because i wanted....i wanted to see you. i wanted to be closer to you."

Jake:

guilt sets in ten fold, like a train ramming right into his frame and leaving him deflated and defeated. he had known he made mistakes, but the more she spoke, the more he was certain that he couldn’t have possibly been worse for her. what he once was certain was his soulmate - his endgame, was tugged away. and it was on him. “eden -“ he whispers, his voice cracking, too ashamed to even look up at her. “i get it, okay? can you just... can you give me a minute, please? this is a lot to process and i just...” he sighed heavily, his fingers quickly brushing his tears away. “i didn’t know. im sorry that i never bothered to know.”

Eden:

she looks at him sadly, again, it's about jake, it's always about him. and she gets it, he needs time to process, she feels guilty, and so eden slinks back, nodding her head as she wraps her arms around herself. "yeah - okay." she stares at the ground, biting down upon her lower lip.

Jake:

clenching his jaw in repetitions, he tries to steady his aching heart and connect the dots, his world thoroughly and completely demolished. “okay....” he breaths, looking over at her with wide, sad eyes. “i want you to tell me everything. i... i mean, you basically did. i just - i was obviously too blind to see this before, and i just...” he clears his throat, shifting on his bed and catching a loose thread from his jeans in his fingers. “i didn’t know. and that’s... it’s my fault. i’m... im just sorry that i messed it all up and that i made you feel like i didn’t love you.... or want you. that’s wansnt how.... that wasn’t fair. you were always enough. it was my job to make sure you felt that way, and i failed you - and i’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”

Eden:

"what do you want me to say, jake? i spent 2 years in therapy because of you. i was hospitalised because i wasn't eating, i starved myself, you didn't even -" she looks at him sadly. "you weren't there when i needed you. i'm always there when you need me." it's her own fault, really, she struggles to reach out for help, she doesn't know how, she's far too busy looking after everyone else that she neglects to ask for help for herself, but jake should have known, shouldn't he? "i got surgery because i thought...i thought if i looked more like those other girls....prettier, sexier...."

Jake:

he’s not sure which new information weighs heavier, or if he’s ever really hated himself as much as he did in this very moment. “i don’t... i...” he rasps, furrowing his brows as he starts to connect the dots. why had it taken him so long? surely he wasn’t dumb - he should have caught the signs. he should’ve checked in. he should’ve shown her. “i’m sorry. i didn’t... i’m so...” his voice cracked as he pulled his knees ups, his elbows pressing against them, cradling his hands between his palms, and instantly - he feels 15 years old again. he had mis-stepped so drastically that he had wound up making someone that he cared so deeply for, feel the way that he had 8 years prior. long, calloused fingers slid through his curls as the realization of the damaged caused truly set in. he had ruined her. broken her. his body heaved as he tried to force breath into his lungs between the barely audible sobs and whimpers of mantras of strung together apologies slipped from his lips. she never deserved that. him. the damage. the trauma. not any of it, and he had been essentially leading her on with what he thought were sweet nothings. “i’ll stop. i swear i’ll... i’ll stay away. you won’t see me again. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry.”

Eden:

he's hurting and she wishes she could comfort him, she wishes she could push down her emotions and take care of jake without getting her hopes up. but she knows that if she takes him into his arms, she'll be lost forever. the tears come rolling down her face, and she knows that this is it, that they're done, it's over, finally she was going to walk away from jake and not look back, it was like losing a limb. "all i wanted was you, there was never any other option for me." she tells him, holding her hands to her eyes, hiding the tears as best she can. "i have to go, jake. i'm sorry."

#jake ft eden #jp.

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a-woman-apart · 3 years

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Separating the Boys from the Men

Yes, that title is click bait, and if you keep reading, you’ve been warned. I’ve got a lot to get off my chest, and it’s going to involve defending masculinity, femininity, and our right to BEHAVE LIKE CHILDREN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES because in many ways, we already do.

Let’s get straight to the point. As Millennials, regardless of our age, financial status, or level of “success” (air quotes 100% intentional) we have been accused of being lazy, entitled, and way too enthusiastic about avocado toast. At the same time, we have been described as having enough power to decimate the napkin industry, the diamond industry, and the concept of traditional marriage. We have been accused of a collective “Peter Pan” syndrome, because we “refuse” to cut off papa’s apron strings and get off the proverbial mama’s teats.

Wonderful to know.

Let’s unpack the “lazy” bit. Supposedly, this is tied to the fact that we have access to higher education, we [often, not always] have parents who financially support or house us well into adulthood.

So now, my question is, Gen X (the entitled ones, ironically) and Salty Boomers, YOU DIDN’T?

What do you call that “inheritance” you received? What do you call that education your parents paid for that was less than 1/3 what we have to pay? For Boomers, how do you explain the lavish weddings, cheap [and apparently nuke proof] home appliances, and “nights out on the town” that you were able to afford by working at whatever passed for a McDonald’s back in the day? Working on a farm, at a grocery store, or in retail used to ACTUALLY provide a livable wage; for us, those are a “side hustle” and we still have to get a “big boy job” that usually requires an education that can put us over $100,000 in debt by age 30.

Hate to say it, but if you hadn’t made most of your income “during the War” or in the absolute economic boom that followed it, you wouldn’t survive 24 hours in our shoes before having an emotional collapse.

Despite the disastrous living conditions of the U.S. in the 21st Century, not much has changed in how men define their level of “manliness.”

Financial gains (stocks, bonds, portfolio, bank account)

Bro “gains” (a.k.a. “gym gains”, how “Gaston” they are, including whether they want to go for the Adonis, Apollo, or Brawny boi look, or just how far they can throw something or how “boyish” they look if strength isn’t an option and they suffer from femme-levels of body dysmorphia)

Body count (since we’re in a time of peace and not literally war, this is LITERALLY a modern term describing how many people you’ve slept with, and I have never heard an adult man, regardless of sexual orientation, who isn’t a little concerned about putting those notches in the bed post, and if not that, VERY concerned about his bedroom performance: it’s quality vs. quantity)

Kill death Ratio (I know this is a video game term now, but did you know that before video games, men in England used to regularly get on horseback, get a bunch of hounds together, and chase down tiny foxes and rabbits? FOR FUN?!?!? Did you know, that before modern sports ((including Esports)), men used to just fight to the death, regularly, even if an official war wasn’t going on? It was known as “dueling”, and in less socially developed societies, men still behave like this. So the next time you complain about “male rage” and how heartless it is to make live chickens fight, note that even though we’ve quelled male anger and hostility on some level, you will NEVER be able to take away man’s urge to destroy. Boys and men will always like knocking things over, building things from the rubble, and ruling shit. It’s what they do-- and we women can and do, too, but we have a LOT more risk-aversion and self-preservation, which is a blessing and a curse for our species-- but we just need to make sure humanity as a whole stays...chill)

So what, say ye, has changed about how WOMEN define themselves now vs. in the past. I would say that very little has changed, but the level of internalized misogyny, insecurity, and good-old fashioned denial has SKYROCKETED.

Let’s look at some terms of how the majority of women value themselves.

Financial Security (few women will admit to “wanting to be rich”, because that sounds kind of “Trump”, but plenty will talk about having minimum income requirements for their partner(s), wanting to retire at a young age so they can “travel the world”, wanting to eliminate their debts, etc. It’s different language but essentially it translates to: I want to work so hard or marry into so much wealth that I never want to worry about money after age 35. #Hustle)

Looks (it doesn’t matter if you want a Kardashian butt, you’re in the body positivity movement, or you just want to “dress like a bawse” women are just as obsessed with clothes, image, and body weight/shape/size as they ever were, it is just that now that we’ve “slain the patriarchy” we have more fashion options than ever before, because “boy clothes” are just as “in” as femme ones)

Ability to attract a partner (some women, like me, “chase”, but thanks to biology, most women, regardless of sexual orientation, seem to enjoy being pursued more than being Artemis-style hunters. This is evidenced by the fact that when the feminist owner of Bumble changed the rules of the dating website to where women had to start conversations with men rather than vice versa ((a move that had ostensibly zero effect on lesbian matching)) 72% of women that she later surveyed stated that they liked it better when men were approaching them rather than the other way around. I am sure Bumble’s female CEO was shook ((as was I)), especially because she made the change to empower women, and apparently 72% of women didn’t want the power because it meant they now had the power to face rejection, and it made them uncomfortable. Big yikes. So much for #EndPatriarchy and #ChivalryisDead ?)

Playing house (this is probably going to get me some unfollows, but I’ll take my chances. Women, regardless of sexual orientation, often seem to be REALLY into having babies or just “playing house.” There’s also men like this, too, “Family men” as they’re aptly called, men in love with fatherhood ((or just being called “daddy”, and that will never not be weird)). So many women who never want to pop out a baby describe being taken by an OVERWHELMING urge to fuck during their “fertile window” ((or is that just me?)) and seeing every baby alive as the cutest human being ever once we pass the tender age of 25. The biological clock is REAL, and I learned the hard way that being bisexual and having immense fear of pregnancy and childbirth didn’t spare me from the awful truth of my biology.

I really don’t want to keep making references to modern video games, but they seem to serve the dual purpose of being deeply satisfying and helping us to quell “problematic” urges, including that one to dominate and destroy the world. For a lot of women gamers, though, our choices ((on a broad scale, every #girlgamer is different)) deviate from men’s in some interesting ways.

#1: We still love The Sims Franchise way more than guys do

Not only do we love it, but while a lot of men (again, #notallmen) tend to build elaborate neighborhoods to extensively mod and destroy them in terrifying ways, I still see women gamers taking obscene amounts of time to design homes, raise happy little families, and cause TERRIFYING blood feuds by having Sims marry Sims from rival families ((I guess we’re more Shakespeare than we thought, eh ladies?))

#2: We make up most of mobile gaming

Most male gamers think mobile games “aren’t real” and I tend to agree, but a mobile game is invaluable for when I, a woman, have time to kill between the 3 jobs I hypothetically have and I and don’t want to whip out something like a Nintendo 2DS that is both unwieldly and attracts the eyes of every impoverished, thieving human being in a .5 mile radius. #RiskAversion. These games are often low-quality, mindless, and insanely easy, but that is WHY WE LIKE THEM. Our entire life is a job. #Hustle

#3 We also love farming sims and RPGs

While we-- and most male Millennials-- beg god to not have to birth calves, milk cows, or labor in the tomato fields under the hot sun, most of us have no objection to having our virtual avatars perform the same back-breaking tasks to the tune of cheerful chiptune music. Also, even though men definitely enjoy them, too, I have never met a woman gamer who didn’t enjoy a nice RPG; why do you think we’re such avid readers of fantasy/romance YA?

We want to be transported to a different world, and if you won’t take us there, we’re happy to go there virtually ((because we probably can’t afford travel; we’re still millennials)).

Ability to murder people who threaten our young or our partner(s) (Okay this one is a bit more complicated, but I’m just going to tell you a bit about female animals. DON’T MESS WITH THEIR BABIES IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. Human females, are, in that regard, just as savage, if not more so, than our male counterparts.

I’ve never heard of any woman ((outside of prison, maybe)) who killed another woman for “looking at her weird” or saying “your mama” too many times. I’ve heard plenty of women threaten literal murder because another woman ((or man, we’re #progressive)) came too close to her romantic/sexual partner, or another human being threatened harm on our kids or our “squad.”

I don’t know where the meme truly originated from, but “Don’t talk to me or my son ever again” is SUCH a Mom thing to say. So much misandry is wrapped up in the idea that men are predators, and that is true, but not in the excessively sexually deviant ways you think ((that’s only sometimes true)). They just like hunting things, including people, but if you give them a toy to play with ((I MEAN ACTUAL TOY OMG)) they seem alright. Let them go play with their cars, Xbox, [insert whatever] or something. They’re men, okay, they’re easily distracted/impressed/occupied.

Women, on the other hand, have seemed to be having an EXTREME amount of trouble curbing that baby-making urge, or the Excessive Nurturing Urge, that one that makes you ask your grown husband if he’s remembered to pack lunch for work or if he remembered to pack money for his playdate with his bros, because he’s gonna need money at Six Flags and you aren’t going to bring it to him because he should’ve remembered, you reminded him 30093390 times.

THAT’S NOT HIS FAULT. HE HAS MANAGED BY SOME MIRACLE TO STAY ALIVE FOR 33 YEARS. THAT’S YOU, SWEETIE. STOP BEING SUCH A MOM. GO BE A NURSE, DOCTOR, OR SOCIAL WORKER OR SOMETHING OMG.

In summary...

What separates the “men from the boys” or the “women from the girls” isn’t the era that we were born in to, our economic status, or whether we’ve been able to “conquer” our biology. That’s definitely not possible yet, chiefly because transhumanism involves a lengthy, ethics-guided process, and even if we all turn into cyborgs, the goal is to become BETTER humans, not LESS humane. Societal advancements have done more in terms of making us healthier, less destructive citizens of planet earth than raw technology ever can and ever will. Rapid technological advancement, when not combined with respect for morality, ethical standards of living for humans and all other life forms, almost always leads to human slavery, widespread abuse of animals, sex trafficking, and environmental destruction, because the “rules of supply and demand”, when not governed by strong international trade laws, dictate that consumers should be supplied with whatever they demand, because the suppliers can profit, and their right to profit should be defended at any cost.

So, in summary, I believe that “adulting” involves giving up on entitlement. What separates a truly childish human being-- regardless of their actual age-- from someone who is, in essence, “adulting” is experience, and how much those experiences serve to broaden that person’s perspective. It is an extremely childish, self-centered view, to think that you “deserve” anything for being “a good person” or, in the case of many a “woman child” or “man child” in media and in real life, just being “not so bad.”

Grown-ups are able and willing to do something that is known as “delaying gratification” which is the simple ability to delay a temporary pleasure for a long-term gain. Grown-ups are also able to perform true “cost-benefit analyses” to determine if a course of action, business deal, or even relationship is worth their time and effort. Finally, grown-ups are able and willing and able to make an informed choice and stick to it; in essence, we don’t try to “have our cake and eat it too” we understand that once we’ve eaten that cake, the cake is gone, but we also realize that if we are willing to work hard and make sacrifices, we can earn the ingredients to make ourselves another cake to eat, even if we might need a lot of help from other adults in getting those ingredients (we call this teamwork and cooperation).

Children, on the other hand (in literal and metaphorical terms), are very impatient. They get angry when things don’t go their way, and instead of taking the steps needed to improve their situation, they storm off and return home. It doesn’t matter if their home is with their parents, with their 3 roommates, or with their husband or wife, these people throw tantrums, refuse to communicate/cooperate, and stew in their displeasure until someone feels sorry for them and fixes their problem for them. They lack the ability to work through daily life problems and refuse to take any responsibility for how their actions or inaction contributed to their dilemma.

There is one difference with an actual human child or teen, though, is that they have an excuse. Their brains are still developing, and they haven’t had the chance to live through these situations yet; these are new challenges to them. Even if they do have a “bad attitude”, with help from peers and patients, principled adult mentors and teachers, these cantankerous kids can grow into well-adjusted, able adults. The high levels of neuroplasticity in their brains actually make it so that it is easier for them to accept large amounts of sensory data and to learn from processing and practicing using it.

An “adult child” is someone who, more often than not, has been coddled instead of challenged. These people have often faced no significant hardships in life. There is a reason why, even after we have recognized the immense downsides of authoritarian parenting and have demonstrated psychological harms of corporal punishment for kids, we still call “bad kids” and “irresponsible adults” spoiled.

Authoritarianism produces rigid, scared people who often struggle with critical thinking and self-esteem or end up being authoritarian parents themselves, but that last one is actually one of the less likely options. Children of authoritarian parents often develop Borderline Personality Disorder or become defiant against authority (shocker). Overly permissive or overly neglectful parenting, though, are parental styles most associated with producing narcissists, who often become authoritarian parents, because when their kids challenge them, they completely lack the patience or emotional capacity to deal with it and resort to “because I said so”, stonewalling and/or physical abuse as forms of “character-building.”

The reason why overly permissive parents spoil their kids is because kids actually do need discipline and guidance, and so these kinds of parents produce kids who are outwardly capable and confident but completely lack any of the life skills to justify it, and when they ask their parents for advice they are just met with a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo or told to just avoid the conflict rather than resolve it. These kids grow into adults who are still sad little kids inside, because they never grew up, but now they’re sad little kids who are articulate and well-spoken and now can-- and often have no choice-- but to con their way through adult life because they’ve maxed out Charisma and they have almost no points in Strength, Intelligence, Wisdom, or Dexterity.

The only parenting style worse than Authoritarian and Neglectful/Permissive is Mixed, in which a child grows up in a COMPLETELY unpredictable environment where the rules of the game change from day to day, and parents either give their children no attention at all, or they practically lock them up and throw away the key. Being raised like this is associated with the worse outcomes for the child throughout life.

So, why am I now talking about parenting styles? Because, for all that we love to trash Boomers and large swaths of Gen X on this page, we can’t forget where they came from, so we cannot allow them to forget WHO THEY MADE. It isn’t an accident that even though we live in the times of incredible economic hardship, WE are the generation (and Gen Z, to some extent) that got hooked on reality TV, video games, and social media in incredibly unhealthy ways. A lot of us 30+ millennials are growing out of it, and a lot of us have realized that it is an invaluable (and damn near unavoidable) way of marketing our products and talents. We’re often self-employed because that’s our only option in most cases.

The issue with Gen Z (who, while we called “Zoomers” now just all themselves “Doomers” and I think we should be a bit concerned about that) is that unlike us, they have no memory of “Before the Internet.” We remember dial up, we remember before that when you played outside untl the sun went down. They don’t have the privilege of being linked to that history.

Now, we have to be the Bigger Person. It’s our time to be Grown-Ups. Gen Z feels really fucking lost right now, and hearing us whine about our parents probably makes them pretty pissed off, when some of us older millennials are the parents, aunts/uncles, and older siblings to Gen Z kids. Even if we can’t be mentors, we have to lead by example, because we have a responsibility to these kids. A lot of them aren’t stupid, they see exactly what’s happening and they feel incredibly hopeless about it. Greta Thunberg is still 16 years old. She shouldn’t be out there doing that; I mean seriously, climate change is accelerating, but it isn’t even as bad as Al Gore said, it’s still reversible, but the fact that SHE FELT SHE HAD TO makes us shitty people. ALL OF US.

So you know, we all need to stop being hypocrites. We need to stop being entitled. We need to stop thinking this is about us. It isn’t. Not even close. We’re not important, even if our videos go viral or if we’re swimming in cash next to hot models by a huge swimming pool. America’s fucked up. I hate to sound Republican, but it’s because of our values. We suck at valuing what’s important, and if we don’t change that soon, it’s really going to suck to live in America.

It already does.

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