#i guess that balances the universe

[jamsandsuch]

i'll be honest i've been having a little of an existential crisis since getting my graduate school acceptance.

in the opening to teaching to transgress, bell hooks talks about how when she was offered tenure she fell into a spiral. and for me, i thought that getting my acceptance to my master's program would help but if anything it's only made me feel terrified that i'm doing the wrong thing with my life.

i'm a budding sociologist and kind of by nature of that my work is tied up in activism; even moreso when my entire body of research is about my diasporic community and ways to improve our standing, the histories that brought us here, the future trajectory of our community. growing up with crippling anxiety, i've strayed away from having strong opinions, from upsetting anyone too much. growing up as a southeast asian immigrant, i strayed away from being noticed too much at all. academica offered me that space to form those opinions, and i think there was some power in that: for once i was encouraged and even rewarded for my years of quiet observation and the pent up rage and injustice i've locked away in response. naturally, academia became my safe space and i decided to pursue grad school and a career in academia. but as i see myself moving forward, i increasingly realize that as a person of color in academia, especially with the particular subject matter i've chosen for myself, i kind of need to step into that spotlight i've been so afraid of. and especially when those opinions will carry so much political weight, so much responsibility, those anxieties i've carried with me since i was little, that unfamiliarity with being seen is weighing down on me so much and i feel like i'm suffocating.

a few months ago i attended an event in my diasporic community hosted by a local activist group. they were extremely supportive and interested in my research and asked for more insight into what research like mine looks like. at the time my study was still in ethics board purgatory so i didn't have much progress to share with them, which i understandably lamented about. one of the members, who shared with me previously how they had been disillusioned by academia and thus dropped out, remarked as I outlined all the bureaucratic barriers that exist in academia: "You see that's the problem - I could go out into the neighbourhood and ask people those questions right now, put them together, distribute leaflets or organize a rally, and it would all happen so much faster and without this red tape." at the time i only agreed - mostly because i first read this as sympathizing with my academic exhaustion - but recently i've been revisiting those words as a question about if i'm really doing the right thing with my life, bigger questions about the purpose of my work more generally.

last week i attended an incredible talk by a journalist visiting from my home country who documents the human rights abuses happening domestically. as a qualitative researcher, and particularly as an urban/community sociologist, i was interested in the subject of her talk which was pertaining to building community through journalism. i was wondering if i may be able to 1) learn more about my country's politics and 2) learn more about how my work might facilitating community building. but what i walked away with was a growing discomfort in my stomach as that activist's words returned to me during that talk - this journalist was doing admirable, incredibly valuable work. the work was timely. it was immediate. it was influential. then what of my work? i've been working on my undergraduate thesis for eight months. this week alone i've spent over twelve hours hunched at my desk painstakingly transcribing interviews for analysis. and for what? to present at an undergraduate conference? to have it tossed into a sea of uncited papers? at the end of the talk a professor raises her hand to ask how academia and journalism can partner together to work towards a common goal. the speaker's response was geared towards the support they've received from quantitative researchers' data. as a qualitative researcher, what makes me different from a journalist besides a fancy university title and years' worth of institutional bureaucratic barriers my work must pass before publication? and beyond that, will it ever even be cited at all? i hoped to speak to the speaker afterward with my question, but they promptly had to leave. i walked back home and stared at my wall for a while.

two weeks ago one of my classes i teach for hosted a panel with activists from various diaspora. one student raises their hand and asks if one panelist, an iranian woman, feels afraid about the possibility of being targeted and killed for her activist work to which she calmly responds that she is expecting it. i feel a chill go down my spine as i wonder if i should be that selfless too. later during office hours a student shares with me that he's starting a project in partnership with an activist group to make critical race theory and asian diasporic history accessible beyond the ivory tower to laypeople. i wonder if i should be doing that too. with every moment i stand in front of these folks i feel like i'm standing up against everything that my work is not doing. i should be making this work accessible. i should be making this work faster. i should be ready to die in defense of my work. this guilt chokes me like a noose and with every moment i spend lying awake in bed thinking about it i string myself up higher like a flag for the world to laugh at. look at me, another useless scholar with impostor syndrome.

when it comes to the kind of work i do, i recognize that academia without activism is nothing short of ego boosting and extraction. and yet at the same time we're asked to somehow distance ourselves from political opinions so as to maintain the objectivity of our work. when i see the advocacy work done by fellow students on campus, i increasingly feel like a phoney intellectualizing work that's happening in real time on the ground that myself and my colleagues are removed from. this and my years of anxiety, and the fear around activism generated by being raised by parents from a country that has targeted academics for their politically provocative work have concocted the perfect storm of existential crisis, paranoia, guilt, and a deep seated desire to disappear. i feel useless in my work, helpless in my desire to be a part of an activist scene, and hopeless about my impact as a human being all at once. cue a pathetic image of some tortured scholar locked away in an ivory tower wiping their tears with sheets of gold leaf or something while the world burns outside. woe is me.

i brought these thoughts (or at least these thoughts as they were half baked) to one of my professors previously and he told me that i need to stop thinking. that i need to focus on what's immediately important to me: finish my thesis. get my bachelors degree. so this week during my midterm break i tried, i really did. i dove back into my old hobbies. engaged in some self care by spending time with my friends, exploring the city. and as i've done so i've realized - i'm so happy. so, so happy to be doing my hobbies. and that's just left me increasingly wondering if i'll ever claw my way out of this hole i've dug for myself: when I look at my instructors around me i see their work life balance wrecked. i see their unsustainable salaries despite all the incredible work they do and all the extra time they sank into their extra years of education (i recently learned that the published faculty salaries in our university's financial report are actually inflated, so the salaries are in fact much worse than I was led to believe and believe me, my expectations were already low - and this is at a T40). i wish i was kidding when i say that there are instructors i've known that began teaching during my first year and who i've slowly watched have the light drained out of their eyes over the last three years.

is this my destiny? to forever feel this way? to sink years of my life earning poverty wages as a TA and RA, delaying when i will finally settle down, sinking my family's money into a education for a job that won't make that money back unless by some miracle i land a tenure track position out of my phd? and all that knowing that there's a shortage of jobs for the number of phds in my field? and all of this knowing that there are folks out there doing work that's actually on the pulse of what's going on, more timely, and without the hierarchical nature of academic research?

do i think i'm going to find any of the answers i'm looking for right now? probably not. but i just feel the shadow of my future looming over me as i'm committing to grad school and i don't know what to do about it. i wake up every morning with a weight on my chest and when i think about it i can't breathe. maybe bell hooks really is a lot more relatable than i thought.

#academia with anxiety i guess #and impostor syndrome but whats new #wow did you really read all that #as i wrote the part about work life balance my prof that i ta for literally sent me a message about grading! it's 3am #lol #studyblr #gradblr #academia #university

[daredevil-vagabond]

Damian.......

lyrics from スフィンクス / 唐紅 feat.初音ミク

#damian wayne #damian al ghul #dc robin #damian robin #batman #dc fanart #dc comics #dc universe #the song is sung by miku so i guess??? ill tag #hatsune miku #my art #anyway i put damian in more robinesque colors i think #also i barely looked at his actual design references dont come for me i think he deserves fancy embroidery #anyway he just like being ominous. he can have a little sword intimidation as a treat. #i know the color balance is gonna be off WHATEVERRRRRE laughs in colorblind

[mister13eyond]

If I had to describe both [in my comics], I would say Hell is like working for a huge corporation that treats you like a number, but your department has a really rowdy party culture to deal with the stress and you are all friends outside of work

While Heaven is a rich high society social network of governors and heiresses and billionaire philanthropists who will pay PLENTY to settle a disagreement in order to keep their names out of the papers, and are quite gracious with doing favors simply so that they can remind you later on that they were so generous, so won't you please consider doing this one small thing in return? thank you~!

#oc lore #worldbuilding #i guess? #it feels silly to call “completely retconning the Christian systems of heaven and hell to just be two kind of weird forms of celestial- #-beauracracy and making no actual mention of the existence of a god“ worldbuilding #but i guess also it's like vaguely the way anime take concepts like the afterlife and make their base worldbuilding like that #if I'm going to be honest #this whole concept first sparked to life as a series of headcanons about Kuroshitsuji #in which demons angels and reapers were essentially three branches of a government #with the same kinds of checks and balances in place #now it's a bit different but it's got a similar idea #but it makes the basic idea make sense if you consider the reapers in black butler #like these are all being run like Businesses #also I do not think there is a god in my universe #just like.... essentially an archangel supreme court #who are the final authority on all matters of legality #the whole system is structured like the court system to me asgahsgga

[badolmen]

Hate scifi-fantasy magic/energy dichotomies where they talk all about balance but use genocide one side or the other to achieve it. Buddy breaking the scale doesn’t make it balanced. What the fuck do you mean the dark ones are all evil? They have an evil ideology? Okay yeah I see where that can be taken as evil but - NO it’s not balance if the only thing left is the light! You’re telling me there’s never been an evil light user? Oh there has? Then why the fuck has there never been good dark users??? (Answer: author doesn’t care about representing balance they just want easily coded good guys and bad guys).

#ra speaks #personal #writing #yes. this is about Star Wars. but also a ton of other series do this to varying degrees #like hmmm I don’t think genocide is the key to balancing the universe. as a concept that’s kinda sus for a writer to focus on. #again I don’t understand why the Jedi didn’t expect Anakin to be/become a dark side user? #‘he’ll bring balance to the force’ + ‘the Sith are all but extinct’ = okay so he’s gonna revive the sith. that’s what I’m getting from this #especially in EP I like. they really all thought the sith were extinct. only after that does ‘balance’ become ‘destroy tbe sith’ #like ? that’s not how balance works. you’re space monks haven’t you like. had philosophical discussions abt this great prophecy? #and like it’s so dumb why write a dichotomy hinging on balance and have one sides code be ‘lol yeah we’re selfish bastards’ #while the others is like ‘we must be selfless and disconnected to the point of self destruction and alienation’ #like those are both extreme interpretations but also. why is the sith code much more easily interpreted to that extreme. #‘oh they just intrinsically evil -‘ well that defeats the point of having a balance. there’s no coexistence with that. #I guess my point is. yeah Anakin obviously joined the dark side and yeah the genocide of the Jedi wasn’t out of left field I mean. #we go from 2-3 Sith vs thousands of Jedi to a neat little 2:2 (sheev and Vader. Luke and Leia) #<- I’m talking about canon and narrative ratios. obv we know more Jedi survived I’m just taking the og trilogy in isolation.

[birdy-bird27]

TFW you are questioning your future because how much you fucking hate school and the workload associated with it

#just university things 🤪 #the only reason why I’m sticking to full time schedule is becuase of scholarships #that way I don’t have I pay for school #but god I want to drop to part time student so fucking bad #vent #rant #I’m doing good at least 8 hrs of hw every day #oh yes also work on top of that #just fuck me I guess #this is such a poor me issue I’m sorry #like wow I’m forced to attend university full time so I get to do classes for free poor me #I am just having such a hard time balancing my work load #I don’t even like business why tf am I getting a bachelors in it #I know why it’s becuase im already now 3 years invested into it and I get to do it with no cost to me #do I really want to be stuck in some soul sucking corporate job rest of my life? #is this my career? #what the fuck am I doing with my life #I don’t know anymore #I’m jdut trying to make it day by day #try not be crushed by overwhelming sadness of our current reality I guess #AGHHHH

[activelyrottingbrain]

+Quote: "You can't outlaw makeup!"

#I'm gonna draw them in casual clothes cuz why not #I'm also praying that my sense of height and weight is alright cuz I don't know anything about it #So I'm just checking some statistics online and make a guess #haikyuu oc #my brainrot #Also I'm trying to balance their skills but I think they (her and Haruna) are a bit stronger in universe #Gonna rework that someday

[orcelito]

I think one of the best things about writing Vash the Stampede is I can just do whatever the fuck I want. There are very few limits to his physical capability. He's got superhuman strength, weird as fuck flexibility, impossibly precise dexterity, and the Devil's Own Luck

Add in the incredibly variable & minimally defined plant powers and there is just... so fucking much I can do

Many times now I've ended up being like "would this even work??" Or "how would I explain this happening??" & it's just like. Fuck It. "Because Plants"

Because Plants is my favorite excuse. I enjoy this creative sandbox very much.

#speculation nation #trigun #itnl shit #<- relevant bc that's where this is most applied. happens in Sentido too but not as much #ive pulled some bonkers shit in itnl so far and we havent even gotten to the Truly bonkers shit yet #like him just casually jumping from the 3rd floor like it's nothing. several times. #him with his insane balance holding a struggling kid still as he balances a cup of water on his knee #climbing 100 feet up a giant structure with minimal handholds IN THE DARK??? #getting blasted with a Lethal amount of electricity & walking off 4th degree burns like 'Meh. it hurts i guess. no big deal tho' #AND the fucking. fly test around the 500 ft tall butte where hes just fucking jumping and soaring #& then clips his wing 50 ft in the air so he goes for a Tumble (50 ft in the air) and he grinds thru the sand for like hundreds of feet #bc he was flying FAST. creating a fucking gouge in the land from his tumble. giant cloud of sand kicked up in the air. #he comes to a stop on his back. his wings fucking Hurt. but him himself? oh he is Just Fine. #CRAZY! BONKERS I TELL YOU! and it's perfectly within the bounds of canon!!!!!! #i love playing in this sandbox soooo fucking much i swear lmao #vash is also so goofy and lovable and makes scenes so entertaining to write #until it comes time to Hurt Him and then that's fun to write too heheh #idk man like i love his personality Of Course. but the creative liberties this universe has allowed me to take is SOOO fun #im over here pulling stunt after stunt and i have plans for even more #OH GOD THIS ISNT EVEN MENTIONING THE ANGEL CENTIPEDE THING!!!!!!!!!! hfsjhfkshfjdbdjshdj #oh vash the stampede my beloved. how i enjoy writing you so...

[desiderium-eden]

This is a pippy. What started as a joke but now is a creature I find reason to shove into every verse I have.

Pippies are fae or fae-adjacent creatures that very much resemble teacup Pomeranians. Ranging in size from small potatoes to slightly larger potatoes. Beings of pure floof, chaos, and good vibes. They just kinda do whatever they want. Show up wherever they want.

They also have different abilities like teleportation, healing kisses, making plants grow .... Herculean strength....?

I wish I could say more but like every time I try to establish a rule, at least one of them contradicts it. Pippies are small? There's a pippy that's 10 feet tall. Pippies are pure good? There's at least one bent on murderous revenge. Pippies are harmless? I'm watching one murder coyotes. One of them is a cat.

The only absolute is that they're so fluffy, they cannot take fall damage. Other than that, there are no rules.

Though they do tend to gather around areas of great strife and pain now that I think about it...

Regular verse, they're native to Ishbaran... a godless wasteland filled with monsters. And in royal au, they're native to a kingdom that has faced some serious conflict.

#{Making Legends} worldbuilding #Every time a war crime is committed a pippy is born to bring balance to the universe I guess. #{Portrait of Ruin} my art #I doodled this one #but credit for the general look of them belongs to Rosa #she drew the first ones #and before then I've only ever described them as 'floof' or 'potato'

[kellystar321]

📤📤📤 free for all! Let anyone answer a question!

anon this is literally so cute <33

📤 What's your favorite sorta "advanced vocabulary" word? (like unequivocal, ostentatious, iniquity) 📤 One of your favorite tropes to see in media, and an example from a media you like! 📤 If you were a stuffed animal, what kind and color would you be?

Reverse ask here!

#reverse ask game #heres my answers by the way hgkjh <3 #i really like linguistics so i enjoy a lot of big words and learning new vocab <33 i do really like the ones i put as examples hkgjh #i guess one of my words is Debonair; which means confident stylish and charming its so fun; sounds so slick <3 #everyone loves found family we don't have to rehash it SO; a different trope i like is when a person has uncontrollable powers? #especially if it's in tune with their emotional state and it flares up when they're too happy or angry or sad hkjgh <3 #Steven Universe does it where steven is so happy he starts floating except he can't get back down so hes just stuck up there #another one is when kiwi/the bard gets possessed by a ghost and they literally can't control it when it bursts from their chest #and starts singing with their voice. and they struggle to hold it in and keep it together but it happens and they collapse at the end :'> #its a good way to balance a character strength (having powers) with a weakness (being unable to control when they use it) #i would be a cat with soft plush tangerine fur and white-with-orange-star-print fabric in my ears and stuffed wings <3 #very soft to hug and a comforting weight to hold as you sleep; like my bear cerulean <3 #interstelore

[fractallogic]

It would be so much easier to leave my house in the mornings if I didn’t constantly have to go “okay did I pack a lunch did I adequately feed myself breakfast am I accidentally going to give myself a migraine because I didn’t eat enough” because I’m stalled between the lunch thing and the breakfast thing and when this happened yesterday I fell asleep and didn’t get anything done because I never left for campus!

It would also of course be much easier if there were lunch places close by, but. uh. Not so much.

#god I miss Tucson and the UA campus on days like this #the ling building was right next to university #it was so easy to get jimmy johns or chipotle or pei wei #the tea shop was right there #other fast restaurants and coffee shops were right there #and now the only thing that’s ‘right there’ is either a Starbucks (closing at 2) or a Peet’s (closing at 6) (neither open on weekends) #and like yeah there’s the ‘more expensive than whole foods’ grocery store like a ten-min walk away #the student union is relatively close and also about ten min awa (but the selection is eh but the sbux is open later) #another dining place is slightly closer but the food again is kind of eh #and if I wanted to walk like 20 min one way (!) I could get to the string of uni-adjacent restaurants and stuff #but who has time for that!! #especially today when it’s cold and POURING #I’m Happy with my PB&J don’t get me wrong #(or leftovers) #it’s just hard to find the balance of ‘not enough food’ and ‘taking the entire pantry with me’ #sigh. #I’ll take my leftovers from last night I guess #it’s like. slightly more than I’d usually pack for leftovers #which is good I guess because I’m always still hungry #so… fine #I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure this out lmfao god

[mestruazioni]

.

#i guess the universe just had to balance out my privilege with trauma and depression #otherwise i would have turned into a crypto bro

[kk0n]

🐙

#i think that the universe made me suck ass at connecting to other ppl like i never learned how to make friends yaknow #and made me absolutely deaf to flirting and suck horribly at matters of the heart #because i have such an amazing family like i never felt lonely despite being so crabby nd closed off #i cant feel alone even if i wanted to i think i don't know how to make friends because i always had my sister lik i never had to put in #effort or pretend to be cool #im realizing all those things now i mean idk i just have a good selft esteem i guess because i never doubted im loved #idk today my heart is full of gratitude and love i know is the human condition to want things snd be dissatisfied sometimes #but ultimately i have everything *i need* not want.. um #im rambling but i was trying to say that the universe balance things out perfectly jdkk imagine that i was socially competent i wouldn't be #fair #i guess

[shayminlucario07]

Started watching Steven Universe for the first time and my only thought so far is

I have never felt so seen, and I have a new favorite reaction meme

#Steven Universe #I guess you could call it a #bAlAnCeD bReAkFaSt

[hella1975]

will never not be weird to me that people feel entitled to demanding an update from any creator

(capt)

and then to not only do that but be like. genuinely strange while you’re doing it lmao it’s baffling to me

#will never be me <3 #besties if ur doing this to a creator then consider cutting that shit out #I’m very laid back in how I talk to you all and I make jokes out of a lot of things and have been branded ‘relatable’ #but unless we’re mutuals I need you to assume I’m not your friend lmfao #I’m literally a stranger online who writes as a hobby for free while balanced university and a social life #WHY would I owe you anything #and if you are my mutual then guess what you wouldn’t be my mutual if I thought you’d do shit like this #bc I don’t want to be friends with people that do this #whether it be in a demanding way #or in a overestimating your closeness with the author and trying for a shitty ‘joke’ way #like do you think I miss the fact these asks are ALWAYS anonymous?? even you know you’re being weird #ask

[doozclops]

I have had this body for 29 years, how do I keep almost accidentally choking. Get used to it already.

#having a will so strong I can stop myself from coughing but it also makes my eyes water #balance in the universe I guess

[chuckyray]

now yall fucking tell me why breeding pregnancy fetish otis fic was posted in the tag immediately after my cute art

#i try to do smth nice for once and this is the thanks i get. #these movies are just too awful the universe had to balance it out...i guess