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crimeronan · 1 year

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been thinking about the rabies condition in writing lately, which is a GREAT post about stakes and characterization. basically exploring how if there's a 100% chance a character is doomed, then they can and will do extremely dangerous/damaging/contraindicated things for the slimmest hope of survival. which is one of my Favorite narrative devices

but while we're using health metaphors, i've been thinking about another somewhat complicated means of introducing character stakes, which i'm tentatively calling 'the autoimmune condition' for reasons that are. obvious

the premise itself is simple: the character has Something that they need to survive. they either can't live without this thing or they will lose something vital about themselves if they lose this thing. there is no replacement or alternative for the thing. what's most important are that the consequences for losing it are Extreme, rabies-condition-style

in the real life allegory, this is the immune system. which is great for being alive!

then the problem is introduced when this thing starts killing the character.

the character still needs it to live.

so: there is a 100% chance that you will die if you destroy the thing killing you. if you impair it through other means, there is a 100% chance of consequences, though the severity of those consequences is up to the author. (these are medication side effects in the real life allegory.)

if you do everything you're supposed to then you'll PROBABLY survive, but you're gonna have to play lifelong tug-of-war to balance everything, and you are often going to have to choose between two shitty options. bc there is no alternative.

this is a counterpart to the rabies condition in terms of stakes; with this condition, your character has to make complicated and difficult decisions about what they're sacrificing for their future. it's not the immediate life-and-death stakes of rabies, it's a slow decay instead.

what side effect consequences are they willing to take on?? and what are they NOT willing to take on?? where do their priorities lie in terms of symptom management?? what other solutions are they looking for?? what are they willing to sacrifice??

and perhaps most importantly: what exactly do they need to lose before they'll Accept the side effects / sacrifices that used to terrify them?? how high do the stakes need to be??

at what point is this character going to look back at the choices they've made up to this point, and realize that they no longer recognize themselves??

#have had this on the brain bc every medication i take or have taken related to my illness has a LAUNDRY LIST of terrible side effects #like most of them are only prescribed for very short periods of time #and the only reason they're ever prescribed for long term maintenance is if like. you will actually literally die otherwise.#you would not BELIEVE the side effects i'll weather to get my brain back. give it to a character #torment them. theres so much room for complication and messiness here. it's great #autoimmune tag #writing #writing advice #i guess?????#hopefully this is coherent. i tried to keep it concise #long post

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andthebeanstalk · 1 year

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PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS

PUSSY.

BIG FLAPPY WET JESUS PUSSY.

JESUS' SOPPING WET PUSS-PUSS

[Edited months after posting to discourage catholics from replying to this post after finding that both the nice and much funnier not-nice responses to this were equally bad for my mental health. I didn't wanna delete it bc I was quite proud of some of my responses and it helps to have a visual reminder of why I left an abusive organization. Also, this means that any catholic who has reblogged this in an attempt to convert me, has now reblogged a post that, if clicked, links back to this. Use MY post for propaganda, will you!]

Thinking about how it was never made clear to me in Catholic school exactly WHY Jesus died for our sins. I just remembered that I was literally never clear on who the dying helped??

I've heard theories as an adult, but basically what I'm saying is pointless martyrdom seems a little pointless, and also with enough propaganda the big logical gaps in a belief system get really hard to see. Especially if questioning anything is blasphemy.

I would have gotten in so much trouble for insisting the teacher explain how Jesus helped us by being tortured to death by Romans even when God could have prevented it! God sent his only Son, they would have said! Be grateful, they'd say! Be guilty! Stop asking why he did that!!!

#original #religious trauma #<- what's up guys why did he do that??? for real i was raised catholic and it is FUCKING UNCLEAR but also the basis of a huge chunk of #my childhood?? like WHY though? my friend madeleine said it was related to animal sacrifices with the lamb of god stuff and all #this was NEVER mentioned in my school. i thought he was the lamb bc he followed god but maybe not #no wonder my impulse as a person is to constantly sacrifice myself unnecessarily #i think martyrdom is a bad gift. but i guess torture your son to death or whatever dude. but it's weird to do that and say it was for me #like...... thanks?? you're literally omnipotent but this is like the worst possible version of a cat leaving a dead mouse on my bed #Christianity #thank goodness i was too much of a fag to stay. i was so unhappy there.#the good place actually addresses a lot of my issues with Christianity as a whole while also not being all about Christianity #like what does it mean to condemn a person capable of change to eternal hell?M #*hell??#the good place #god pays the devil's rent y'all. like in that post that made my long beautiful essay about this irrelevant by #summing it up with 'girl they are in cahoots.' i think about that post all the fukn time nothing i can write longform is as punchy as that

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enbysiriusblack · 3 months

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Lily' birthday- jily snippet

"You're spending your birthday in the library?"

Lily ignored James, carrying on writing her notes for Potions as James sat down opposite her.

He placed his head in his hands and peered over at her work, "Interesting, interesting."

Lily huffed, looking up, "You don't even take potions, whilst I love it; yet I am finding this specific topic excruciatingly boring, so how is this interesting to you?"

James grinned, "Your handwriting is just really shit. I can't read a word of it so I'm imagining you're writing about transfiguration."

Lily snorted, "Well, I'm not."

"What a shame", he sighed.

She nodded in agreement as she glanced back down to her work. He sat quietly opposite her as she did so.

After almost ten minutes, she glanced back up with a frown.

"Are you just going to sit there?"

"Until you finish."

"Well what if I'm planning on working until the library shuts at nine... in about seven hours."

James shrugged, "I can keep myself entertained."

Lily groaned and shook her head.

James let out a laugh, "I did not think you were so dirty minded, Miss Evans. Merlin, I meant I'll do some doodling or something."

"For seven hours?"

"Yep!"

"Why?"

He leaned back in his chair, hand coming up to brush his hair out his eyes, "You don't want the company?"

"No, I'm happy for the company. But shouldn't you be practicing quidditch or corrupting the youth with Sirius?"

"No, it's your birthday. If you're set on studying until the evening then I'll happily keep you company."

Lily smiled, "Well, I'm not actually going to do that. I'll only be here for an hour or so more and then Mary and Marlene are taking me rollerskating... Do you want to come with us? I was planning on inviting Remus anyway, and so you, Sirius, and Peter by extension."

James nodded, "Yeah. I'd- I mean we would like that."

Lily beamed, "Okay."

"Okay."

Lily smiled at him again before slowly moving her gaze back to her notes. James stole one of her sheets of paper and doodled as Lily worked. As Lily began to pack away, James folded then slid the paper into her bag. His doodles of Lily as a jedi surrounded by hearts now resting in Lily's bag.

#happy birthday to my wife <33 (stealing her from james. i may not be rich or hot or funny or an athlete but i'm um. alive?)#(- lowkey snape 💀 can't believe i just related to him but. )#i guess he's not alive anymore. so i won fuckers. she's my wife now.#although she's also dead. fuck.#marauders era #marauders #lily evans #jily #my writing #james potter #jily snippet

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luderailing · 1 year

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Lat 🖋️

#I feel like the panels don’t really go together #and I realize some of the dialogue doesn’t make sense #but yknow….I’m just kinda proud to get something out #I feel like I had a long day haha #glad I was still able to draw something #and this wasn’t really related to anything. I just like doing these with characters #random comic strips/writing scenes #helps me get to know them better I think #I realize my blog isn’t really centered around any few characters?#I mean there’s definitely some characters I draw more than others #but I wanna develop my ideas about them #who am I kidding ive been trying to do this forever haha #at least you guys like the art so slow n steady I guess #I’ll get to wherever I wanna be someday. I’m still young ig #faith is key!#if ur reading this rn (u a real one if you actually read allat???) have some confidence in your future #that sounds very cheesy and overused but it’s true. I believe in u<3 #hetalia #aph baltics #art #aph latvia #my art

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 8 months

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heya, i have to wake up in three hours but! here's another lil human au snippet! ft. lightly implied Laughingstock! disclaimer i am so so tired so don't come at me for typos or strangely worded sentences or missing info <3

Before heading home, Eddie swings by a charming little store he’s been to once or twice before. He usually goes to the chain store by his house, but he doesn’t feel like dealing with the hustle and bustle and the endless aisles. This little store is quiet, nice, and strangely has everything anyone could need.

The lot is mostly empty at this hour, so Eddie claims a spot right at the front. As with the other times, the windows are littered with displays and stickers - half off on this, sale on that. Eddie enters Howdy’s Place with the chime of the door’s shopkeeper’s bell. He’ll get what he needs and get out, quick and easy and peacefu-

Boisterous laughter slams into Eddie like a hammer, so sudden that he jumps in place. An employee stocking cans nearby glances weirdly at him. Eddie clears his throat and hurries into the nearest aisle as the laughter tapers off. The silence barely lasts a second before loud chatter starts up. It’s too fast and muffled for Eddie to understand, but he can pick out two distinct voices - one deep, one less so but still decidedly masculine.

Eddie tries to tune it out as he gathers what he needs. Toothpaste, some paper towels, shampoo. For the hell of it, he nabs a box of classic bran muffins from the spacious food section. He lingers for a moment, enjoying how far-away the conversation seems at the other corner of the store. Unfortunately, theft is illegal, so Eddie is forced to move towards the noise.

A strange thing about the store - it’s a combination general store, antique shop, and diner, complete with a miniature gift shop separating the two. One long checkout counter stretches from the open store area, behind the gift shop, and into the diner, where the conversation is coming from. An interesting setup, but an understandable one. It allows anyone behind the counter to move fluidly between customers and sections.

As Eddie approaches, the conversation becomes slightly clearer.

“-said, no wonder you didn’t get her number!” the deeper voice barks, and the two dissolve into that almost-too-loud laughter again.

As it tapers off, the other voice says, “Sounds like a real charmer! But really, you oughta be careful, Barn. One of these days someone’s gonna throw a right hook at ya.”

Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up. A transatlantic accent? He hasn’t heard that anywhere outside of real old movies and a queen he once knew. It sounds natural too, like the man was born to sound like he belongs on a 1920s radio show. It nudges something in the back of Eddie’s mind. He’s started to get really sick of that nudge.

“Oh, this guy did.”

“No kidding? I don’t see a shiner.”

“Well, yeah. I went left.”

Both of them laugh again, and Eddie feels a tiny tug at the corner of his mouth. That wasn’t funny enough to garner an actual laugh in his opinion, but it wasn’t unfunny.

Eddie steps up to the counter and quietly puts his acquired items on it, not wanting to interrupt. He chances a glance to the side - walking space in front of the counter’s length lets him see right down into the diner.

A large man with dyed-blue hair and an interesting fashion sense is at the bar, talking to an employee leaning against the other side. The employee doesn’t really catch Eddie’s gaze, but the other man… Eddie swears he’s seen him before. He studies him from the corner of his eye, not wanting to be rude but unable to mind his business.

“Our bouncer didn’t even get a chance at the action - the idiot knocked himself out tryin’ a second swing!” The customer says. His deep voice, wavering with humor, only adds to the sense of familiarity. Metal glints in his right ear. Eddie knows this man from somewhere.

The employee shakes his head, tutting. His busy hands polish a vintage pitcher. “I swear, you get all the crazies.”

“Makes for a good story, though.” The customer takes a sip from his tall milkshake and scoffs. “Though if it wasn’t all well-ending, amusing bull, I doubt I’d be so tolerant.”

Minutes drag by as the two keep talking. Eddie goes from patiently waiting to awkwardly trying to get the employees attention. If only there was someone else behind the counter, but the only other staff member is elsewhere, likely still stocking shelves.

The two men are too absorbed in their little world, even though both are facing Eddie’s way. The customer has both elbows on the counter, one of them bent to prop up his chin. The employee has his hip leaned against the edge as they chat. They’re obviously very familiar with each other, and clearly deeply enjoy each other's company.

Still - and Eddie is sorry to say, but it’s bad customer service. He’s not in a rush, but he’d still like to be on his way home. He could be fishing out the complex keys right now. He checks his phone - he’s been here for nearly fifteen minutes. Picking out the items took less than five.

Eddie sighs, staring at the various cigarette packs displayed behind the counter. He’s never seen the appeal in smoking, but as the laughter starts up again, he almost wishes he did. He’s going to treat himself to a very long shower once he gets home.

The store’s other employee walks behind the counter, carrying a box. Eddie lights up. Finally - she pointedly clears her throat and heads into the back.

The constant conversation stalls for the barest moment, and he looks over. The customer grins at him for a second - lord he’s handsome - before turning that grin towards his friend.

“You’re losin’ your touch, Howds,” he teases, bringing his shake straw to his lips.

“I resent that statement. You’re just distracting.”

“Lil’ me? Distracting? C’mon, you can just tell me I’m pretty to my face. I’ll take it like a champ, I swear!”

“Ha, good try.” The employee sets the pitcher down and starts to mosey in Eddie’s direction. “Your ego is big enough for the both of us as is. One more compliment and your head’ll pop like a balloon.”

“Well, given that most balloons don’t really pop, they just kinda deflate slowly-”

“Sorry for the wait!” the employee says loudly in a glaringly obvious customer service tone. He stops in front of Eddie with a cardboard smile. At the other end of the counter, the familiar man snickers and hides his grin behind his drink. “I trust you found everything you did - and didn’t! - need.”

Eddie just stares up at him for a moment. At six-one, Eddie hasn’t felt small in a very long time. He usually stands at least a full inch above other people. This employee - Howdy, his name tag states - has several more on him.

“Uh, y-yes, I uh, I did,” Eddie stammers, glancing at his items.

“Wonderful! And again, my sincerest apologies for the delay. My friend makes a game out of keeping me from my job.” Howdy shoots his ‘friend’ a glare with enough heat in it to make an ice cube sweat.

“No worries.”

Howdy scans the items at an almost frightening speed. Beep, into a paper bag. Beep, in. Beep, beep - “Oh, no.”

“What?” Eddie says, dread plucking at his ribs as Howdy holds the bran muffins and shakes his head. “Is there somethin’ wrong?”

“Indeed there is! You’re making a mistake with these. They’re absolutely horrible, I tell ya - and bad for you, too!” Howdy tuts and puts the box to the side. “No, no, you don’t want those.”

“I… don’t?”

“Not if you knew better! Lucky for you, I’m here to set you straight. What you need is-” he snaps his fingers, “Barnaby, be a pal and-”

“Already on it,” ‘Barnaby’ says, appearing next to Eddie.

If Eddie weren’t already paralyzed, he’d jump right out of his skin from how Barnaby towers over him. He has to be a scant inch or so shorter than Howdy, but he still makes Eddie feel tiny. Unfortunately, Barnaby is even more handsome up close.

“Here ya go.” Barnaby hands a plastic container to Howdy and taps it, smiling lazily down at Eddie. “I’d take his advice on this one. Those bran-named muffins may sound fancy, but they’re pretty crumby! You want muffins of quality. Real breadwinners!

Eddie can’t help a soft laugh. “Breadwinners, heh, that’s a good one.”

“Are you selling these or am I?” Howdy says, raising a bushy eyebrow.

“Hey, I’m just doin’ what you asked! I’m bein’ a pal.”

“And I - I’m sorry," Eddie interjects, "but you’re awfully familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?”

“Eh, I’ve been around, but uh… you ever been to [INSERT GAY BAR NAME HERE]?”

Howdy clears his throat. “I’m trying to make a sale here, Barn. You can flirt on your own dime when you’re not costing me mine.”

“Didja know your nose gets redder when you’re jealous?”

Howdy rolls his eyes and shoves Barnaby in the diner’s direction. Barnaby goes with a hearty snicker. Despite the joke, Eddie thinks it has some merit as Howdy scans the final item and rings him up, considerably frostier than before.

Belatedly, Eddie realizes that he didn’t actually agree to the different muffins. Too late now. “Say, what kind of muffins are those?”

“Poppyseed-lemon.”

Eddie relaxes - that is a lot better than boring bran. “Y’know, my mother loved poppyseed-lemon muffins.”

“Did she now,” Howdy drawls.

“Like you wouldn’t believe! If baking was so much as mentioned, she’d jump right on houndin’ us to whip some up for her, or send us to go buy some. We’d never even get a taste! They’d be gone the moment they hit the air, I tell ya.” Eddie chuckles. “Took me a while to understand what all the fuss is about, but man was she right. They are good!”

“Uh-huh. Well, we have a fresh batch delivered every morning. They’re not the same type every time, mind you, but I can promise that they’re all of the highest quality.”

“Breadwinners, right?” Eddie jokes. Howdy doesn’t blink, but Barnaby snorts. He’ll take it. “I might have to come by more often, if that’s the case! Thank you kindly, sir.”

“Mhm, have a good day.” Howdy hands him the bag and strides away without a glance. The dismissal is clear as day. “Say, Barn, did you hear about the racket one of those cult crackpots stirred up at our dear friend’s tearoom?”

Eddie doesn’t catch the tail-end of the sentence as he hurries away, but he frowns. Cult? What cult? There’s a cult? He certainly didn’t hear of one before moving here, and none of his background checks had turned up anything of the sort. He hopes it was just a figure of speech.

The door chimes again as Eddie leaves. It isn’t until he’s in his car that the embarrassment of that whole exchange catches up with him. If he had a nickel for every time he’d made a fool of himself in front of a gorgeous, strangely familiar man, he’d have three nickels. At the rate he’s going, he’ll either be rich, or he’ll have to move.

Eddie subtly tries to peek around the store’s window displays from the safety of his car. He catches a scant glimpse of blue hair - come to think of it, it’s a similar shade to Wally’s. But where Wally’s had, to Eddie’s memory, been uniformly dyed right down to his eyebrows, Barnaby’s rich brown roots were obvious. His beard and eyebrows weren’t dyed, either.

As Eddie relaxes back into his seat, he re-reads at the store’s name. The color drains from his face and he barely restrains himself from slamming his forehead against the steering wheel.

Oh, of course. Of course he made a fool of himself in front of the owner. Eddie can never come back here again. And it was such a nice store…

#wait wym this is almost 2k words what the Fuck!#ok! the writing gods blessed me tonight i guess!#anyway slight context -#in my mind there's a whole Plot and stuff for this au #where it starts off with eddie running into The Group™️ and meeting them mostly separately #before they all meet up and go 'hey yeah you guys ran into eddie from high school too? cool. he's ours now'#and forcibly drag eddie into their little Circle #wh modern human au #snippets from the bog #also sorry about the [INSERT GAY BAR NAME HERE] lmfao i cant come up with one atm #i want it to be wh-related and Clever #but i am not very clever on a good day and this has been a bad one! and again! im tired!#i. dont know how to tag this. whatever! if you see it you see it!#ok im going to sleep. for a whopping three hours before my alarm goes off. *less than three. Sigh.#i always do this! its like 'oh i have to wake up early tomorrow! lets not sleep at all! im feeling so creative!'#gonna go think about this au's laughingstock as i drift to sleep #FOR THREE. HOURS.#have i mentioned the three hours????

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lord-squiggletits · 2 months

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Speaking of Tyrest. A lot of people forget that he treated Pharma with absolute disdain, not only using him as a test subject for a clearly painful mass murder machine, but talking to Pharma like he saw him as nothing but some henchman to order around that was nothing more than a 'diseased cripple' if Tyrest hadn't come to rescue him.

Like it really is an interesting background dynamic with some curious implications, but when you look at fandom posts from around that issue/the years after, for some reason people just saw "Pharma worked with Tyrest" and concluded Pharma is a card carrying bigot ksjfnskxkd. Like yeah Pharma didn't do anything to stop Tyrest but it seems his main beef with the Autobots was with Ratchet in particular and maybe a general disdain for his ex-comrades. As well as continuing to hate Decepticons which like, not even the "good Autobots" are immune to (even in Pharma's introduction, First Aid says in his journal something like "yeah we all hate Decepticons, but Pharma REALLY hates them"). And despite what fandom likes to construe there's really no evidence in IDW1 that Autobots and Decepticons are different "races" or "types" of Cybertronians, so Pharma hating Decepticons really isn't a bigotry/robot racism thing. And instead probably has something to do with, idk, the 4 million year long galaxy-spanning blood feud war, or maybe being blackmailed and tortured into insanity by the Biggest and Most Decepticon-y of Decepticons.

Tyrest treated Pharma like trash, the other Decepticons working for Tyrest (how come no one ever brings that up btw) also hated him, so if anything it seems that Pharma was more of a rogue element only staying with Tyrest bc he was his best option and probably had no way to even escape.

I'm glad that at least in recent years the fandom has acquired a keen reading eye and good taste to finally recognize Pharma as the (accidentally) complex character he is instead of making him some posh, racist Starscream clone SHSJDGSGDH

#squiggposting #pharma apologism #yeah i'm apologisting again i guess my mental health is somewhat okay again dkdkkxckkddkd #(my followers seeing me post about pharma) nature is healing #there's also that line where pharma says 'maybe i can help' and skids is like #'fuck off and hope we don't beat you to death after this is over'#they didnt know that pharma was a test subject of the killswitch but wow #that's prolly one of the most out of pocket moments of the story that ive never seen anyone mention #honestly that moment is why i think JRO didnt intend pharma to be That Deep #i feel like that sort of 'not even other autobots like him' treatment is something #that comes up a lot in JRO's villain writing. or like asshole behavior towards some characters #is just plot events proceeding as usual. nothing to see just villains getting their due #tho tbh pharma's character in general suffers from the problem that he's so closely related to a main/major characyer #that it wouldve made way more sense for him to be written in earlier #so all his connections w/ ratchet and the plot had to be established retroactively #also speaking of 'asshole behavior excused bc it's towards a villain'#all those times when people are like (fucking amazing piece of medical research by pharma)#'then he started murdering his patients. what a piece of shit'#like idk it could have been intentional but imo all my readings of pharma were not really intended by JRO #and i'm fully just headcanoning and constructing theories on my own #like pharma was simply not important enough or a major enough character to get fleshed ojt #so basically we get enough pieces of him to establish continuity and a general timeline of his life and thats all

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amethystina · 2 months

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Hiiii🩷🩷 I have a question... does Yohan think that Gaon loves Soo Hyun in a romantic way😳? If so, oh boy thats a huge misunderstanding to clear. Also, thank you for the amazing update!!! I'm sure as hell sticking around on this journey to see these two work out their feelings!!

Hi there! 💜

Yes, he does. Because Yo Han's got no reason to believe otherwise, based on how Ga On is behaving. He can tell that Ga On is attracted to him, sure, but that's physical. And sexual and romantic attraction are two entirely different things. One doesn't guarantee the other and just because you feel one — or even both — you don't actually have to act on it.

I'm more or less writing Yo Han like a bisexual demiromantic, i.e. he's good at recognising sexual tension/attraction but he's not very experienced with love. He's never really been in love before because he's never allowed himself to get close enough to someone to actually fall in love. And when you combine this with his upbringing and lack of social interaction with other people? Love is probably pretty tricky for him.

Not in a "he doesn't feel it" way because he does — and he knows that he does — but he's not the best at reading it in other people. Not at all helped by how he just doesn't get the whole "love at first sight" thing (because, again, demiromantic), which has made him wonder if, just maybe, his concept of love is different from everyone else's. He knows what love means to him and he's seen other people be in love (like Isaac and his wife) but applying that to his and Ga On's relationship is very difficult for him, especially with Soo Hyun complicating things.

Like, if Yo Han tries to compare how Ga On behaved around/treated Soo Hyun (who he assumes Ga On was in love with) to how Ga On behaves around/treats Yo Han, he can see a lot of differences. And it's a problem when his method for figuring this whole situation out is: "That is how Kim Ga On behaves when he's in love and, if he doesn't, he's probably not in love with me." Because that misses the part where people don't always behave the exact same way when they're in love (because it can be influenced by who they're interested in) and, if anything, it should be the other way around.

At this point, it's probably better to look at how Ga On behaves around you, Yo Han, not Soo Hyun, if you want to figure out what he's like when he's in love x'D

... but he doesn't know that, of course.

So, in short: Yo Han knows that Ga On cares about him and he knows that Ga On is sexually attracted to him, but he has no way of knowing if Ga On is in love with him. Yo Han has too little experience with it to be able to gauge that.

But, at this point? He thinks that Ga On is just too in love with Soo Hyun to ever love him (which is what this post was about)

And, in a very heartbreaking way, he's kind of grateful that Ga On made it clear he's not going to act on what's between them because Yo Han assumes it's only sexual attraction and some confused fondness on Ga On's end anyway. And Yo Han would just... rather not if that's all Ga On can give him. Because, for once, he doesn't just want sex — he wants love, too.

... this man is, once again, a goddamn onion.

(and will make you cry just as much as one)

And, for my own sake, I'm going to have to make a detour and write Yo Han's POV of what happens after he's gone into his bedroom because I SWEAR THE FUCKING BASTARD WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. There is SO MUCH GOING ON in his head and snippets keep inconveniently popping up at irregular intervals, distracting me. And as soon as I push one aside, the next one pops up.

It's like a never-ending game of angsty Whac-A-Mole.

Someone save me.

ANYWAY. I'm glad you liked the update! And thank you so much for wanting to stick around 💜 I was genuinely worried about how you all would react to this chapter. Like, who's insane enough to throw in a rejection 400k into a story? People have probably gotten chased down with pitchforks for less.

So thank you for the trust, support, and dedication — it means a lot to me 💜

#Amethystina Replies #Anonymous #Who Holds the Devil #Amethystina Writes #Even if she would prefer not to this time #Like #I ALWAYS know what's going through Yo Han's head too #But this is the first time when I genuinely can't focus because I'm just BOMBARDED by it #I WISH I COULD SHUT IT OFF BUT I CAN'T #So I'm going to write it all down just to get it out of the way I guess?#Maybe then it'll quiet down #Also #I guess it might be nice just for the sake of knowing exactly where he stands #I make no promises that I'll post it though xD #Second also #Do yourself a favour and don't ponder how that 'my love isn't like other people's' work in relation to 'I'm a monster'#And 'I will smother his light one day'#Because that's... yeah #That'll break your heart #I'M SORRY I CAN'T SHUT IT OFF OKAY

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camellia-thea · 2 months

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sometimes you reread something you've written and go "hmm. that explains a lot about me actually"

#guesses on what i just reread hjkgdfjhkg #i say that like it isn't *so* much of my writing #like. anything about taralin. that says so much about me #anything about dove? so much about me #navi? so much #any character study i write? probably also says something about me #longfic? says something based on what i've focused on #oneshot? the key theme? about me baby #can you tell i have issues?#i do btw i am so mentally ill its unbelievable #this is a joke-- most of my stuff is not intentionally about me #but there are themes i turn to when i'm feeling shitty and they're often related to me in a tangential way #for said reason i've spent a lot of time writing about grief

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lesbianjudasiscariot · 7 months

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#these lyrics are so fucked up #cause it really felt like such a betrayal #the high school lesbian experience being in love with your straight best friend i guess #lucy stop writing about the most relatable and painful experiences please my heart can't take it #i can't even think of christine rn #♡

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skeltarune · 14 days

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Y'ever look back at your old writing and think...damn, I used to be so good at this.

#like i'm shocked at how decent my old writing was #and now i look at the things i've written and...it's just.#i guess it's bc i've been writing a lot of private commissions #things i don't genuinely enjoy #for a very long time now #and i haven't had time to write something i wanted #for a very very long time now #it's like that spark has disappeared #how do i bring it back #i want it back so bad #the commissions weren't anything ut or dr related #they're private commissions #i really don't like doing them #but i need the money

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academyofbrokenhearts · 4 months

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You Touched My Face and All Life Was Erased

Suna and Kaya's first kiss, and what brought them to that point.

Author note: I planned to write this every since I watched the kiss scene, but it took me a while, because I wasn't quite sure how to approach it. But here it is finally. Hope it will make it up somewhat for the lack of canon KaySun this week.

Title inspired by HIM's "Resurrection". Lately it seems like all my favourite songs are KaySun coded.

AO3 link here.

Neither Suna nor Kaya give it a second thought until the moment İfakat opens her mouth, putting in words something neither of them was willing to confront.

the attraction that they feel for each other

Suna's initial reaction is disbelief, because she wears the scars of a lifetime of silence and solitude, always being treated as an afterthought, a quiet, withdrawn girl whose opinion does not matter, and never will.

and her dreams were always fractured to the point where she actively suppressed them, because useless hope can be worse than resignation

Kaya looks at İfakat, knows that whatever game she plays, can't be in his interest, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to go along with it, if it will get him one step to the revenge that seems to be the only way in which he can calm the storm that rages inside of him. Also, if İfakat thinks she can play him, she better think again.

and somewhere deep down inside, even if he is unwilling to admit it, he does have a bit of a soft spot for the beautiful girl who is not afraid to criticise him, and is not afraid to apologise to him either

Can he be her rescue? Suna wonders, when the aftershock has passed, and İfakat's words have started to settle in a bit. Or is this just another door that opens to a wall?

and what other option does she have, except submitting to endless humiliation, to the point that she will be nothing but a broken shell?

Is it worth it? Kaya asks himself. Sacrificing his freedom just to wildly bet on an outcome that might not even be in his favour at the end?

but was he ever really free? and would it be so bad to take this risk?

Suna thinks and thinks.

She believed she had found a shelter before, through a love that was at one point the only source of joy in her miserable life, a love that is still unfinished, drowning in bitterness and more pain than she thought she would be able to handle. She's here, still standing in spite of everything, locking down her pain and pretending, in order not to collapse.

But she doesn't know how long she is going to last like this. What word will destroy her completely. What pain will finally be too much.

Part of her still doubts that Kaya is affected in any significant way by her. The spare, the girl who always gets ignored. How could this ever happen?

It's not possible.

And yet...

what if it is what if it is what if it is what if it is

What exactly did she do to him to be dragged into this twisted game of revenge? Kaya muses.

And of course, the answer is nothing. Nothing at all.

She bears no responsibility for the rage that boils inside him, threatening to spill over and destroy everything in its path. She has no fault for the dark shadows that loom around him, for the insecurities that he would never acknowledge out loud, for the fear that he will always be left behind, that he will never be good enough.

He does not know her that well, but he did pay attention to her a bit, he noticed some things. She's living her own special kind of hell - what use is it to add his own on top of that?

It would be bad.

And yet...

maybe not that bad maybe not that bad maybe not that bad maybe not that bad

In spite of herself (don't dream, Suna, don't you dare), her heart flutters when he compares her to a water spirit.

he doesn't know that she cannot fly because they cut off her wings until there was barely anything left anymore

He does try to keep his distance. Says he won't come to her sister's celebration because he does not want to cause any more tension, but she insists.

she doesn't know that something in him warms up when hearing her words, because he sees himself reflected in her eyes, and it's almost like he's a human being, and it's almost like he matters

She can't go to his room, she can't, she won't. She already risked more than she could possibly imagine by leaving the mansion with no permission to go with him at the market, she can't take one single step further.

But İfakat insists that she should, because he got in a fight and got wounded because of her, so she gives in. And really, a part of her might have been on board with it all along.

She should be afraid. She saw his anger, the way it exploded almost unprovoked. She should be, but...

but this is her choice, hers and no one else's, and it might result in heaven or hell, but it's the first time when she feels she might be in control of something, when she feels she's more than a simple pawn

He thought she would be scared of him, but she's not. Quite the contrary, she surprises him by knocking at his door and offering to apply some cream to the wound he got when fighting with those guys in the market.

It goes against everything he knew, or he thought he knew, about her upbringing, about who she is as a person. She either likes him that much... or she is just that desperate.

Neither option is good, and he should put a stop to everything before it's too late.

it's hard when she is so close he can smell her perfume, the sweetness of her breath when she blows over his eyebrow, where they hit him, and if only someone could heal all of his wounds like that

He tells her they should stop. He tells her it's too soon. He tells her she's not sure of her feelings.

She freezes, mortification taking over her entire being. Of course she interpreted all of it incorrectly. She bet on an illusion and lost again. And she knows she will never be able to look properly into his eyes again, and tells him as much.

Oh, and it's so familiar to him, the way tears suffocate her voice, the effort she makes to keep her head high, to not crumble. He knows it. He lived it.

He only tried to be kind, the way he knew how to be, at least, but his kindness hurt her.

She's brave, the way she tries to stop crying, the way she tells him nothing happened, like she's trying to convince herself.

this is another nightmare and then she will wake up and she will lock everything down and she will survive because she has to

He stands still, looking at her, understanding in his eyes.

he knows, he sees her now

With measured steps, he approaches her, the decision taken before he can even be properly aware of it. She could step back, get out, but she does not. Brave girl.

There's nothing tender in the way he grabs her face, but his fingers wiping her tears feel gentle on her skin. She closes her eyes, breathes in, breathes out, and reaches out to him, touching his cheek with her hand, his own hand immediately moving to cover hers. Like he's not allowing her to let go.

Like they are the only remaining living beings in the entire world.

Then he kisses her.

he tastes like hope and dreams and desire and everything she never dared to wish

she tastes like salt and desperation and want and everything he never knew he needed

it turns to hell two seconds later

but when all is said and done and after all the tears and commotion, there are no regrets to speak of

#Yalı Çapkını #Yali Capkini #Suna Şanlı #Kaya Sönmez #Suna Sanli #Kaya Sonmez #KaySun #fan fiction #You Touched My Face and All Life Was Erased #writing #made by me #oh yes you guessed it - another work related to the clown show #tons of angst in this one #these two make me so emotional on a regular basis #I can't remember the last time I wrote so much in such a short time for a fandom #maybe never

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deathmycotime · 6 months

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oh i just realised that im really starting to miss koisenu futari again

#i keep wanting to rewatch and then i keep forgetting and stopping halfway #also i realised how much i wanted to read something about it but there are barely any fics on ao3 #i have a few ideas so like once i finally understand the characters are i'll try attempting to write.....#scary but i guess it couldn't be worse than things i've already written before #it's just those times when i meet someone who is allo that my feelings of aromanticism/asexuality become apparent #like sometimes i dont feel to a certain identity and then someone irl says something love romance related #and i am reminded that 'oh yea i am aspec. i am queer these people would think i am weird huh'#koisenu futari #uuuuhm. organization tags. i don't have any here

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xxcherrycherixx · 5 months

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I know i like to talk about cupid and blondie just fucking every second but i legit just also want them to just do normal couple shit man, like cuddling on the sofa or treating the other to their favourite home cooked meal.

Kissing each others cheeks and foreheads sweetly, holding hands everywhere. Constantly telling their respective friends about how much they love their gf.

They go to the fair and try to win each other prizes! Theres an archery game and blondie keeps telling cupid she can totally win it, cupid misses miserably. Blondie has a turn and wins immediately explaining her skills with “sometimes i get bored when you’re not home so i shoot your bow in the house” cupid just stares gobsmacked unsure wether to tell her girlfriend off or kiss her right there. (She absolutely breaks that bow when she gets home just incase blondie has accidentally hit herself with one of the arrows)

Cupid eventually starts bringing blondie through the portal and to other worlds, they never stay for long and cupid makes sure they’re very careful to not get caught but they get to go on wonderful dates.

Blondie starts bringing cupid with her on field work days, cupid takes it very serious and helps as best she can (although she does sneak kisses in now and then which distracts blondie)

They live in a little cottage, near a forest so blondie can explore (occasionally cupid gets dragged along with her, she still isn’t a big fan of the woods though) they have multiple spare bedrooms and when people ask why they have so many empty bedrooms they just give each other a look and make an excuse about how the place just came like that and they didn’t really mind the extra space.

Those spare rooms quickly become kids rooms (and a cub room, blondie brings home a baby bear one day and cupid just sighs in acceptance of the fact that she’s now also a mother to a bear. She of course loves that little one just as much as their other kids though)

None of the children are cupid’s biologically, she states that shes not comfortable with the idea of birth so Instead they’re all either a mix of blondie’s genes and a donors genes or they’re adopted.

Cupid’s family happily take in blondie and the kids as family, but they always give cupid sad looks when blondie and the kids aren’t around. Nonetheless blondie gets invited to join their parties and get togethers as cupid’s plus one, Aphrodite likes the blonde girl very much and tells her to call her auntie too, she often invites the girl to join her and her friends for drinks claiming blondie is great at sharing gossip.

As the fairytale worlds society changes, Blondies family comes around to accepting the relationship. especially when blondie introduces their first child, a girl with golden curls. All the remaining walls drop and blondies mother scoops her daughter up in a tearful hug proud of her for becoming a mother too and apologises for not being there to support her through the pregnancy. Blondie’s mother makes sure to be there for every single one afterwards and it makes blondie so happy.

But not everything is “just right” in a relationship. ( hey guys trigger warnings here for like um lots of shit about death and suicide 😬 whoops it got angsty)

Theres a lingering dark cloud that hangs over cupid and blondie’s relationship. Cupid doesn’t bring it up but she knows and hates whats to come, Its a horrible realisation that strikes her not long after they start dating, its the reason her family gives her pitying looks, its the reason she refuses to have biological kids of her own even though she wants to. She notices her wife change, and she changes herself physically to match, but its never real.

Blondie is aging and she isn’t.

She confides in briar one afternoon, the girl was meant to sleep 100 years and outlive her friends and family, and while she wont have to do that anymore, she still had to live with knowing it was going to happen. Briar tries to comfort her, but fails. She tells cupid to tell blondie, but she refuses to.

Two years into their marriage blondie becomes pregnant with their first child. When their daughter turns one years old cupid visits her family alone and cries. She cries and screams about the future, how quickly one will turn to ten and ten will turn to her first child being lowered into a grave. Her father holds her silently, knowing that nothing he says can comfort her.

Cupid continues for the next decade trying to keep her fears at bay, and then blondie gets a call about a loss in the family. An older relative who had taken their own life not long after the death of their spouse.

Another horrifying realisation hits cupid. She doesn’t confide in anyone about this one.

one day Aphrodite finally lets it slip to blondie that cupid will outlive her and their entire family.

Blondie struggles with learning this, she had known her wife was immortal and very much older than her, but having it finally hit her that her wife will outlive her by thousands upon thousands of years with most likely many lovers after to replace her hurts. Knowing cupid and their family will be her forever, but she and their family will not be cupid’s forever, absolutely tears her heart to shreds.

One day she breaks and tells cupid, her wife tells her that she will in fact “be her forever”, that there will be no one else after her. Blondie accepts it as a lie to comfort her, but one day she realises what cupid really meant. she feels sick and terrified of her wife’s intentions, but she feels even more sick at the relief it gives her to know that she wont just be a short fling the other woman will one day forget.

They don’t speak on it again and they definitely dont tell cupid’s family of her future intentions, they continue to live happy and in love, but every now and then they think about the shared grave that awaits them.

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copper-skulls · 6 months

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the guy.png

#this is a particular gaster that has spawned in my brain in the last week but. take it as a generic one i guess #undertale #fanart #gaster #digital art #krita #lineless #asters are too stupid to line so i did this lineless and the flowers are still wonky. but I just. i just needed to get my brain to re-set #classes ending at 7pm will DO things to you. anyways. i'm going to write some c code now #hang on #unnamed vampire au tag #MWaF related drawings

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banished-away · 1 month

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i keep thinking about how much more poignant delly's storyline would have been if she and catti-brie had been allowed to interact in a significant way before it all went to hell

delly basically wanted an idealized version of catti's life. a life of adventures and travel and to have a strong man take and save her. she has always lived in poverty half-drunk on the city streets and in stranger's beds and wanted the freedom of the outside and an idyllic little family. and then she got hit with the reality of raising a kid that isnt even her own, having to fight for your life and living closed into a fortress under siege that may as well be a prison, and basically the existence of being a stay at home wife. she feels locked in catti is someone who has lived for adventure her entire life. she has known how to use a sword since she was a kid, was raised the princess of a clan of always battle-ready dwarves, and was sorrounded by over-protective men with hardly a chance to interact with other women (we know that both among the dwarves and the reghed, once a woman marries she's basically home-bound, and when she meets alustriel for the first time she doesnt even know what perfume or cosmetics are, and feels incredibly jelous and inferior). and after a near-death experience she is now torn between this adventurous side and the side that wants to marry and have kids, which she knows is incompatible with her current life and is also running out of time for. shes a tomboy who she admits wasnt really raised as a girl but she does yearn to interact with feminity to some degree (after that first meeting with alustriel she relents and enjoys that bubble bath and later admits she was wrong in her assestment of alustriel, and a few books later when meralda offers her also a fancy bath and some gowns to borrow we see her having fun trying them on)

ultimately, even if they come from opposite ends, they want the same thing. they want to not have to compromise between adventure and motherhood, they want to be indipendant and make their own choices while also having the security of people around them caring for them when they need it. which is a very fair thing want, and yet they feel like its outside their possibilities

i think that couldve been used to properly set up the subplot. they both want the same thing but come from such different lives that its hard for them to relate and that could cause attrition. i think that centering the subplot around them and not wulfgar would have improved it quite a bit

#bani.txt #legend of drizzt #catti brie battlehammer #delly curtie #i dont know! just food for thoughts after finishing the two sword #its easier to backseat write i guess but also at least so far the way salvatore writes women has been just so painful #esp since i relate to catti a whole lot due to ya know. being raised in such a oddly specific way #which is hard to find in media!#i wish that was brought up more esp her relationship with feminity and other women #but ive already made my grievances known on that lmao

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