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#i hardly ever get actual a crushes on ppl but i sure do have one now wahoo
handcat · 3 years
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yearning :/
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kn1feinthec0ffee · 3 years
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new love - spencer reid
spencer reid x fem!reader
summary: spencer tells the team about his new girlfriend, y/n.
warnings: fluff in its purest form.
word count: 1503
notes: IM BACK!!! i know it’s been a little while since i posted anything but i actually had the time (and motivation) to write this and i think it’s rlly cute!!
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spencer gazed down at you as you slept, adoration filling his eyes.
last night was the first night you had slept over at his place. he wasn’t really against the idea, other than the fact that you’d wake up alone in his bed. he wished he could stay and cuddle you longer, but unfortunately serial killers had a habit of killing innocent people. it was spencer’s duty to prevent that, and well - duty calls.
spencer couldn’t seem to spur his legs into action, the image of you still asleep and curled up under his covers was one too precious to walk away from. you were spread out on your stomach, your hair sprawled out across the pillow underneath your head, your hands softly grasping the comforter.
spencer found himself immensely grateful for his eidetic memory so that he could never forget how adorable you looked.
in lieu of fully rousing you to say goodbye, he decided on placing a kiss on your forehead. the whimper that the small action elicited from you made his heart clench - and made it that much tougher to leave you.
spencer quickly found some spare notepaper and scribbled a note for you encouraging to call or text if you felt lonely, his chicken scratch hardly legible in his haste.
——————————
as he sat on the train that morning, he couldn’t help but realize that everything just seemed so much better now that you were a permanent fixture in spencer’s life. it was as if his life were a coloring page that had suddenly been filled in with the most vibrant of markers - as cliche as that sounds.
the inconveniences that plagued him almost daily now seemed like nothing - for example, the embarrassing half-jog-half-sprint he had to do in order to make it onto the train in time. spencer felt like he had a new outlook on life, and it was all owed to you.
spencer arrived at work, walking into the bullpen with a noticeable pep in his step as he made his way over to his desk. he set down his satchel, only to glance up and find morgan and jj staring at him.
“do i have something on my face?” he frowned, wiping at his face to ensure there was nothing there.
“you didn’t head to the coffee machine straight away,” morgan pointed out, swiveling his chair to face him.
“i, uh, don’t feel like i need it?” spencer’s brows knit in utter confusion at the sudden interrogation he found himself a part of.
“you always get a cup of coffee in the morning, spence, regardless of whether or not we’ve got a case.” jj chimed in.
“and?” he wasn’t quite sure what the point of all this was.
“do you mean to tell us the doctor actually got a decent amount of sleep last night?” derek scoffed.
“i suppose so. is that an issue?” spencer cocked his head, much like a puppy dog.
“no, it’s not an issue at all, it’s just unusual for you.” jj shared a look with morgan, who stood up from his chair to saunter over to the doctor’s desk.
“so who’s the lucky girl, pretty boy?” he grinned.
the heat instantaneously rose to spencer’s cheeks at his words. “wh-what? what girl? i have no clue what you’re talking about!”
“come on, spence, you don’t expect us to realize the way you walked into work with a grin on your face? that hardly ever happens before you’ve gotten any caffeine in you, which - if you’ll remember correctly - you didn’t even have this morning.” jj grinned at the blushing boy.
“come on, that’s no fair! you guys know we’re not supposed to profile each other!” he practically whined, crossing his arms over his chest.
“ooh, who’s profiling who?” penelope said as she scurried towards the trio. “woah - boy wonder you are glowing. what are you hiding from me?”
before he could stop him from answering, derek spoke. “we think pretty ricky’s got a girlfriend.”
a sudden expression of pure joy made its way onto the analyst’s face as a smile lit up her face. “please, please tell me he’s right!”
spencer weighed his options carefully. the two of you were relatively new, and he didn’t want to spoil anything by telling his friends about you so soon. but on the other hand, every time he’d brought them up, you’d mentioned how much you’d love to meet them all one day. so he figured, what would be the harm in telling them?
“yeah. i do have one. a girlfriend, that is.” he spoke awkwardly.
penelope practically squealed as she pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. “i’m so happy for you! but spencer reid, how could you hide this from us? but i need to know absolutely every last detail!”
the way she flipped from excitedness to borderline anger left spencer feeling a little frazzled, but nonetheless happy to share. “her name is y/n, and she works in the bookstore downtown. that’s actually where we met.”
“y/n reid really has a ring to it, doesn’t it?” penelope exclaimed, clasping her hands together.
derek noticed how flustered spencer was becoming with all the sudden attention on both him and his love life and opted to pull her back slightly. “alright, let’s reign it in, babygirl. he only just mentioned her, i’m sure they’re not getting hitched any time soon.”
he sent derek a thankful look before continuing. “we’ve only been dating for a month now, i don’t think either of us are ready for that yet,” he laughed nervously.
“what’s she like?” jj asked, perching on the edge of his desk.
“i can’t even - i don’t even have the words to articulate how wonderful she is,” spencer sighed dreamily. “she’s just so kind and loving and funny and so, so beautiful.”
morgan and jj exchanged a knowing look, while penelope looked like a child who had finally gotten the pony she kept asking for.
“y/n’s one lucky girl,” she grinned a toothy grin. “speaking of y/n, when might the lucky lady like to meet us? please tell me she wants to meet us.”
“she actually really wants to meet you guys, she-“ spencer was cut off as garcia whisked him away to arrange a date with the whole team.
before she could get too far, morgan grabbed him by the arm. “seriously kid, i’m happy for you. she seems like she makes you really happy.”
spencer could only offer a quick ‘thanks’ in response before garcia dragged him all the way to her cave to plan.
——————————
“you’re home!” spencer heard you shout as he stepped past the door. he braced for impact as you practically launched yourself into his arms. “how was your day, baby?”
he smiled, pressing a quick kiss to your forehead as you pulled away. “it was good, just a paperwork day, but i didn’t get much done - except for one thing.”
“and what was that?” you quirked a brow at his odd statement.
“i might’ve told the team about us,” he grew slightly panicked as he noticed the shocked expression on your face. “i-i hope that’s okay with you. i know i didn’t ask, but i-“
you took his hands in yours, gently thumbing over his knuckles. “it’s fine by me, i just wasn’t sure if you were comfortable with it, spence.”
his heart skipped a beat at your thoughtfulness, pressing a kiss to your hands. “i don’t know, i guess in that moment, any doubt in my mind went away. n-not that there was any to begin with!”
you stepped up to place a chaste kiss to his lips, silencing his clarifications. “it’s okay, i think it’s sweet. so, what’d they say?”
“they were really happy for me, and i think garcia nearly burst a blood vessel when i told her.” the two of you giggled. “they kept saying how lucky you were, but i couldn’t help but think that i’m the lucky one.”
“oh they’re absolutely right there. i am the lucky one. how else could i have ended up with such a catch like you?” you smirked at the growing blush on your boyfriend’s cheeks.
“after i told them about you, garcia dragged me away to go plan a date for you to meet them, a-and i told her this friday would be fine, so i hope that’s okay with you.” spencer admitted, looking down at you hopefully.
“spence? are you kidding?” you beamed, clasping your hands together in excitement. “i can hardly wait!” you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him down for your lips to meet.
his hand came up to cup your cheek, thumbing softly over your cheekbone as he smiled into the kiss. when you finally pulled away, you motioned for him to follow you into the kitchen for dinner.
as you practically skipped away, all spencer could think about was how incredibly thrilled he was to have met you. he wondered if maybe his teammates were right: you were both the lucky ones.
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i LOVE how this turn out and i put a lot of thought into this and actually had some friends read over it before i posted it so i hope u guys love it too 😊
as usual i’m tagging ppl on my taglist & ppl who i think might be interested :)
tags: @sojournmichael @stinkyelf @crazyfore3 @cal-ifornication @eggygorl02 @howdycharlie @eosprincess @mortallythoughtfulgurl @illuxions-x @unlikelyempathpruneauthor @blankets-for-bees @holycandypizza @flyingbabyunicornnamedangel @lovelyrdjr @elitereid @minnie-bby @rexorangecouny @ashwarren32 @fantastic-fans @keomoon @elric8097 @jjtheangel @spacedikut @whoreforthebau @angelbunnyoxo @theonewithcriminalminds @andiebeaword @big-galaxy-chaos @beatleszeppelin @averyhotchner @dreatine @you-sunshine
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1kook · 5 years
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late fee
jeon jeongguk x (f) reader
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summary: “Captain Underpants isn’t glorified by all the tryhards, so when I pick those books, you’re unknowingly more interested in me.” tags: f2l, flirty kook, jk’s obsession w/captain underpants, he’s a fuckboy but he’s a soft fuckboy dont get it twisted, campus boy crush jk(yes again), jk abuses the FuCK out of pet names, miss koo1aid actually writes some PLOT warnings: much flirting, nsfw bc of a lot of heavy petting, pussy eatin’, a lil dirty talk, very s l i g h t coochie sniffing, BUT!!! protected sex :) wc: 10.3k
i wrote another fic (applause) and the entire thing is based off my belief that jungkook 10000% would enjoy captain underpants books. not proofread bc i am a hermit and speak to exactly 0 ppl on here, que dios los bendiga
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“Helloooo, sexy librarian,” Jeongguk says the moment he steps through the door, lopsided grin adorning his features as he swaggers over to obnoxiously lean against your desk. You can’t even pretend you didn’t see him, his presence so blaringly consuming, and evident in the way some dorky high schoolers glance over to gawk at him.
“What book are you checking out today, Jeon?” You muse instead, leaving your desk chair to head over to the stack of new books that needed to be stamped. As you turn, Jeongguk whistles at the sight, and you don’t even have it in you anymore to retort back the same way you would when he first started bugging you. “Also, are you aware that your copy of Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants is due tomorrow? It’s a dollar for every day it’s late—”
“You needn’t worry longer, baby,” Jeongguk interrupts, and the loud smack of a hardcover against the desk catches your attention. There lies Jeongguk’s Captain Underpants book, alongside the paperback copy of Beloved that has definitely seen better days.
You furrow your brows. “When did you check out this one?” You question, checking the spine to make sure the book belongs to your library. Much to your surprise, there’s no barcode on the side, and no stamp on the inside.
Your question goes unanswered as Jeongguk jumps into a full-length novella recapture of the hot frat party he’d been to last weekend, and how the Zeta Theta Psi guys knew how to party. That Jimin fellow that Jeongguk frequently mentions had apparently snorted a line of coke off their friend Seokjin’s broad shoulders just to prove his friend had godly proportions. It’s weird, but Jeongguk says it’s because you have to ride for your bros. You try to act uninterested, but Jeongguk’s a funny guy, really, and you can only hide so many chuckles with the sound of a stamp.
He’s in the middle of trying to cover up of one of his frequent trysts after accidentally exposing himself—”Don’t get it twisted, baby, I just took her upstairs to call her friend.”—when Namjoon comes out of the back room looking for you. He barely glances at your guest, before handing you a list of overdue books.
“Would you mind calling these people?” He asks, voice soft, just as everything else was about Namjoon. “They’re all a week past.”
“Yikes,” you say, eyes scanning over the list. Surprisingly, Jeongguk is still there, hovering over you as if waiting for you to dismiss him. “Do you mind, Jeon?” You say, channeling your best customer service voice. As much as Namjoon was wary of him, he still considered Jeongguk a patron in your establishment and hated to see him treated poorly, no matter how many library rules Jeongguk broke.
“Of course,” he sighs, and you miss the hostile glare he throws Namjoon when you whirl around for a highlighter. “I’ll see you later, sweetheart,” he says when you turn back around, stretching ana rm in your direction.
Half of you knows exactly what he’ll do, but the other half of you, the one trying desperately to act like his advances have no effect on you, have you placing your palm in his. You’re not super surprised when he tugs your hand upward, pecking your knuckles with a flirty wink. “Adios, Juliet,” he smirks.
“Wrong language,” you inform him, rolling your eyes nonchalantly even though your heart is beating one hundred miles per second. Jeongguk cackles, loud as all hell in the silent library, before making his exit.
It’s silent for all of twenty seconds before Namjoon jumps right into it. “So are you seeing him, or…” he interrogates, trying to act like he’s hardly interested, but you’ve known and worked alongside Namjoon long enough to know he’s secretly the community gossip.
You ignore him, choosing to jam the buttons on the phone instead.
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The weird thing about Jeongguk, was that, although he was notoriously known amongst the undergraduates (and even some graduates, because he just had it like that, you suppose) as one of the biggest fuckboys, he was different. Not to sound like every teen romcom you’d ever scanned, but he genuinely was. For starters, he’d fuck your brains out and then make you his best friend the morning after. He definitely had a very peculiar, and backwards, way of doing the whole one night stand thing.
All this you’ve gathered from your friends, who, at one point have had some sort of encounter with Jeongguk. Dahyun’s was last spring at a club event, when he’d oh so smoothly flirted with her for a solid hour before realizing she didn’t swing that way. Which is how they become close friends, which is how, by association, Jeongguk set his sights on you.
Your introduction to Jeongguk wasn’t anything out of the ordinary; he’d been tagging along behind Dahyun like a lost puppy, begging her for some class notes, and had subsequently followed her all the way to your favorite meeting place. From then, he’d dropped his petulant, childish act and put on his macho face, chest puffed and eyes hooded as he devoured your very presence.
The next time you see him, it’s at a frat party where some guy had been harping on you go upstairs with him. Another weird thing about Jeongguk, he hated when other fuckboys didn’t utilize their brains. You assume it’s because it gives the fuckboy community a bad rep as a whole, but Jeongguk hated when guys were overbearing. So he’d taken the initiative to snatch you away from that fellow, guiding you all the way back to Dahyun and friends just to make sure you were alright. Somewhere along the way, you’d informed him you worked at the local library—”The one that does bingo on Tuesdays?” “That’s for senior citizens only, why do you know that?”—and he’d never left you alone again.
This time, he spots you in the dining hall.
“You come here often, dollface?” He says the moment he slides up beside you, instantly zeroing in on the burrito wrap on your plate. Like the little immature baby he is, his hand immediately snakes out to touch the precariously wrapped white tortilla holding the deliciousness inside, and you have to physically slap the offender away. He jumps, bumping into a girl standing in line behind him, not that particularly cares. “So, it’s fuck Jeongguk hours, huh?” He huffs, adorning his face with that uppity glare he mastered from watching Mean Girls on repeat a few months ago.
“Your plate is stacked, but you wanna grab the one thing on mine,” you point out, and his lips curl into a smile at your response. “By the way, your book is past due.”
At this he gasps, all real, no Regina George effects added. “You’re lying,” he chokes, switching his plate to his other hand, and you nearly jump when the muffin balancing dangerously on top shifts. He tugs his phone out of the pocket of his sweats, scanning through his remind app until he sees that his book is overdue by three days. He groans, staring at the ceiling in shame.
You nod, breezing over his inner meltdown. “Was wondering when we were gonna get the wedgie winner, or whatever its called, back.”
He scoffs, giving you an unimpressed glare. “Wrath of the Wicked Wedgie Woman,” he corrects, looking so disappointed that you don’t have these bizarre titles memorized. “For such a pretty librarian, you sure are ignorant to these literary masterpieces.”
This makes you cackle, and your cheeks flush when at least three people turn to stare at your outburst. “You aren’t seriously calling these Captain Underpants books masterpieces,” you snort. Jeongguk shrugs, and you begin to wonder if he really is as airheaded as the characters he admires. “Jeon,” you try to reason, giving him a pleading look, because arguing the credibility of kids novels in line for lunch simply does not seem real. You must have been warped into another dimension where all pretty boys are as dumb as the movies make them out to seem.
“Listen,” he says, smiling when you grow desperate for him to prove you wrong. “I’ve read a lot of good books, but nothing tops a hypnotized superhero principal fighting crime in his underwear.”
You sigh, paying for your meal, and then, surprisingly, waiting for him to pay for his. You tell yourself it’s because you want to finish this conversation, but part of you just genuinely enjoys being in Jeongguk’s presence. Gag.
“I saw you with Beloved last week,” you carry on the second he’s done giving flirty eyes to the middle-aged cashier. “Now that’s a masterpiece.”
He nods in agreement. “But, baby,” he purrs, and the sudden switch from weird, 12 year-old literary enthusiast to grown as hell, suave bastard has you jolting a step that you try to play off by pretending to look at something on the ground. “How else will you remember my face?”
You blank. “What the hell are you talking about.”
Jeongguk gives you a pointed look. “Sweetheart, you wouldn’t remember a damn thing about me if I did what every other stuck-up bastard did trying to pick up chicks at the library.” You tilt your head in confusion. Jeongguk sighs. “If I went in every rainy Friday and checked out a Tale of Two Cities, or Oliver Twist, or some other Charles Dickens shit, you wouldn’t glance my way.”
“Do people still read Dickens?” You say instead, glossing over the fact that apparently Jeongguk’s visits were apparently blatant attempts to flirt with girls. Finally, you find a suitable spot at a long, dinner table so you don’t have to sit completely alone with Jeongguk.
“You know damn well better than I do that that those wannabe sophisticated books have waitlists.” He shoves half a pizza slice into his mouth, and you hate how your eyes immediately laser in on the strong movements of his jaw. “My point is,” he says through a greasy mouthful. “Captain Underpants isn’t glorified by all the tryhards, so when I pick those books, you’re unknowingly more interested in me.”
You cradle your burrito in your palms, rolling his words around your head for a bit. Jeongguk doesn’t particularly seem like he’s awaiting an answer, munching through the mountain of food on his plate as you revel in your thoughts.
It’s right when you go to take your first bite that you finally come to a conclusion. “But have you ever considered I’m interested in you because I think you’re funny?”
Silence. Jeongguk stares at you through his fringe, pizza slice slowly going limp in his hold as he absorbs your words. Before you know it, his ears flush red. He splutters. “I-You think I’m funny?” He asks, cheeks slowly growing rosy as well, and his lips quirk in a cute way to the side, as if he’s trying desperately to hide his excitement.
You nod, because it’s true, why would you lie? “Duh. You come in every week and just talk about your day, Jeongguk,” you say, as if it’s the most obvious answer in the world. “I think you’re very interesting and entertaining without trying.”
“Thanks,” he mutters, and for the first time, you’re thrown off by how adorable this man looks, lips pressed tight to contain a smile from your compliments.
Realization hits you all at once, but you’ve long since trained in the fluid art of avoiding your emotions.
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“There’s a party tonight,” Dahyun announces from her desk, not even bothering to glance at you when you return from the showers. You hum, not really that interested in whatever is going on this fine Thursday evening. You plop down at your own desk, starting your skincare routine.
Dahyun lets you relax in the soothing motions of self care for all of three seconds before she adds, “Jeongguk wanted to know if you’re coming.”
You press down too hard on the pump of your moisturizer, sending a large glomp onto the tips of your fingers. “That’s nice,” you say, trying to play it off, but you doubt Dahyun hadn’t heard the little spaz you had, or that she couldn’t sense the way your body immediately lit aflame at the mention of him and you in the same sentence.
She turns in her seat, and you catch sight of her in your mirror. You avert your eyes right away, because Dahyun had many talents, and her best one was reading your mind with a single gaze. You maintain an aura of unbothered and uninterested, finishing with the rest of your skincare.
Just when you think you’re safe, Dahyun pounces.
“Y’know,” she says, and you can hear the grin in her voice. “He hasn’t slept with anyone in almost a month. In fuckboy time, that’s the equivalent of two years.”
You roll your eyes, putting away your products before trying to busy yourself with anything else. “He probably has, but with people who know how to keep their mouths shut.”
Faintly, you hear Dahyun’s chair scrape against the carpet, and then suddenly she has you in a headlock. “Admit you like Jeongguk or I will throw your toothbrush into the toilet on the third floor.”
You choke, grappling her arms in an attempt to pry her off. “No,” you huff, switching tactics to tangle a hand in her silver locks. “Why would I confess to something that isn’t true?”
She shrieks when you give a sharp tug, sending her careening sideways against the foot of your bed, but not without taking you with her. “You are lying to yourself and to the entire librarian community, you sick fuck.”
You snort. “The fuck does Namjoon have to do with this?”
“He told me Jeongguk’s been bringing you Starbucks.”
Her reveal has you halting in your tracks, cheeks flushing at being exposed. “That gossiping fuck,” you seethe, finally loosening your grip on your friend. Somehow, you’ve ended up sprawled on the floor of her side of the room, nestled into the stupidly fluffy carpet she thrifted. She rolls onto her belly, propping herself up on her elbows to narrow her eyes at you.
“So it’s true,” she sighs. You shrug. “Well,” she claps her hands together. “Shimmy into that sexy dress from Windsor, we’re going out.”
You groan, rolling over in metaphorical agony. “Dude, I just washed my face. No way in hell, I’m putting on makeup now.” She considers your point for negative three seconds.
“The Glow Kit is in my bottom left drawer,” she announces right as she exits the room with her towel and shower essentials in hand.
The Glow Kit is in fact in Dahyun’s drawer, which is a little suspicious considering it’s the same one you thought you lost three months ago. Nonetheless, it never lets you down, and by the time you’re done with your makeup, you’re looking like a shimmering, little succubus in the hot dress from Windsor.
Normally, you and your self-esteem were rivals; never on the same page, always bickering, sworn enemies from birth. But right now, as you admire yourself in the closet mirror, you can’t help but marvel at how good you look in the slightly loose dress.
“Damn,” Dahyun says as soon as she returns, all fluffy in her towel. “You will fuck tonight, or else.”
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“Hey, baby,” Jeongguk smiles at you the moment you walk in, hooded eyes raking over your body in an agonizingly slow manner. Dahyun chooses then to do her party trick—disappearing without a word.
“Hi…” you respond, voice meek in this party setting. There’s more people than you anticipated, which is weird because it’s a Thursday and surely some of these people have morning classes. You can’t comment, though, because you’re here knowing damn well you have an eight am tomorrow.
The music is blasting, so loud you can feel the bass shaking the floor, sending jolts up from your toes to your head with every beat. There’s people in every crevice of this household, some even taking refuge on the staircase leading up to the bedrooms. Someone brushes by you, and you instinctively step closer to the wall to avoid being in the way. You should have known Jeongguk would follow.
He ducks down to shout into your ear. “Wasn’t sure if you were coming tonight,” he tells you, right as one of his friends rushes by, thrusting a cup into his hand that Jeongguk doesn’t even stop to question. He takes a sip, then offers you some.
“Dahyun didn’t wanna come alone,” you lie, tentatively sipping from his cup only to realize it’s worse than any alcohol here: it’s Sprite. Jeongguk seems amused by your subtle disgust, immediately taking the cup back. You send out a light prayer for his stomach and his skin. “Aren’t you supposed to be out pulling hoes or something?” You say, trying to go for teasing and playful but missing by a mile.
Jeongguk grins. “Why would I do that when the only girl I want is right here,” he motions, and then does that cliche move where he places a hand by the wall behind you. The worst thing is, even though Jeongguk seems intent on pulling every cheesy act known to mankind, your heart actually races.
“Shut up,” you laugh, “you just like that I don’t charge you the late fees on your books.”
At this, Jeongguk genuinely smiles, nose scrunching up as he gazes at you. “False,” he argues, and then leans forward, same stupid dopey smile on his face. “I love a woman who snorts milk out of her nose.”
“Jeon!” You shriek, smacking his arm as embarrassment washes over you. “You said you would forget about that!”
Jeongguk cackles, all boyish and rough like he does when he’s around Hoseok for too long. Somehow, knowing you’re the cause of that charming laughter has your annoyance fading away, a soft smile crawling onto your features.
“I hate you,” you say instead, looking up and meeting his gaze dead on for the first time that night.
Jeongguk smirks. “Do you now?” He throws back, then takes a step forward. Your shoulder touches the wall when you take a tentative step back. You give a half-assed shrug, entranced by the playfulness that lurks behind his eyes. He gives you an exaggerated pout. “That sucks, because I,” he steps closer again, and this time he’s looking down at you over the bridge of his nose, “really like you.”
“I…” you trail off, too hypnotized by the pink tongue that swipes across his lips as he gazes at you. There is no hesitation on his face.
When you don’t say anything for another moment, Jeongguk ducks down. His nose bumps against yours, his breath warm as it fans across your face. “Y’know, I’d treat you so right,” he suddenly says, and your panties immediately turn into Niagara Falls at the newfound deepness of his voice. You feel lightheaded from his close proximity and promising words. “Could make you feel so good, baby, if you just let me.”
You shiver, nearly jumping out of your skin when a hand snakes its way around your waist, tugging you forward gently. Not overbearingly, because you know the last thing Jeongguk would ever do was want to make you uncomfortable. He pulls you close enough that it ends up being you who steps completely into his embrace. Your trembling hands find their place on his shoulders, and Jeongguk has never looked more content.
“You... only want sex,” you softly accuse, and the only reason your quiet voice doesn’t get lost in the noise is because of how close the two of you are.
Jeongguk bites his lip at your words, and you wonder if part of him is surprised that you’d so openly say such a thing. “Not with you,” he says eventually. “Wanna hold you like this forever, ___. And if that leads to you cumming on my tongue every now and then, well,” he smiles, “all fine by me.”
“Jeon,” you scold, scared that someone might have heard him.
“What?” He grins, pressing impossibly closer. His lip gives the slightest pucker, and you find yourself unconsciously leaning closer, the hand around your waist tightening. “I want you, baby.”
You can’t hide the lovestruck expression on your face as you look between his mouth and his eyes, and you wonder if he’s being honest.
Right as you’re about to throw all your doubts out the window and kiss him, you’re bombarded with the sound of obnoxious air horns from a DJ who obviously knows shit about, well, DJ-ing.
You jump at the sudden sound, bumping your head against the wall behind you. Jeongguk’s eyes widen. “Oh shit, are you okay?” He fusses, all traces of that suave, heartthrob replaced with a fretful Jeon.
“I’m fine,” you say, though you’re not because you’re absolutely dying right now. From the fact you almost gave into Jeongguk but also the embarrassment of hitting your head. “I-I need to find Dahyun,” you announce, and give Jeongguk no time to process that before you’re bolting into the crowded house like you just broke something.
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jeon tell me you got home safe jeon please
You pause in the middle of removing your makeup, one eyelash on to symbolize the mess you are right now. Dahyun is humming some tune as she does the same, the both of you clad in your pajamas and fuzzy socks. Carefully, you pick up your phone.
you im home! me and the girls ubered home lol you sorry i didnt get to say goodbye :(
jeon dont worry abt it babe jeon just happy to know ur ok
“You better be texting Jeongguk, since you failed to complete the one job you had tonight,” Dahyun calls and you curse. You whirl around to face her, and she snorts at your one eyelash.
“Be honest,” you say. “If you were the campus crush who could get coochie every time he breathed, would you leave all that for me?”
Dahyun freezes. “Well, not when you’re only wearing one eyelash.” You groan, flopping into your seat uncomfortably. “Babe,” Dahyun sighs, as if sensing the gravity of your dilemma. “You’re hot! Everyone knows this except you.”
“But am I?” You whine. “Am I attractive or do you just feel obligated to say that because you’re my friend, be honest.”
“Oh my god,” she huffs, climbing into her bed, phone in hand. She doesn’t even bother looking your way when she’s all settled in. “You have this weird idea that Jeongguk is some intangible idol, as if you haven’t seen the dude deepthroat an entire bratwurst at the diversity fair. If anything, you’re the dream girl on campus, you stupid bitch.”
“The only true thing I heard is me being a stupid bitch,” you mope, and Dahyun throws a pillow at your face. You take this attack as initiative to finally take off your other lash, finishing your cleansing and moisturizing (for the second time) routine.
“Listen,” she says, setting her phone down to stare you dead in the eye. Her voice is devoid of any emotion. “If it makes you feel better, he wrote JK + __ on our group handout last week.”
You don’t sleep that night.
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The last person you’re expecting to see at this secluded cafe on a Saturday morning was Jeon Jeongguk, yet here he was in all his delicious morning glory. By morning glory, you mean the soft, sleepy eyes that stare at you from across the table, voice so deep and husky.
“Why are you here if you just woke up?” You interrogate, settling into the empty seat in front of him. Carefully, you begin pulling things out of your bag, trying your best to not look away too long. This sight was rare, Jeongguk usually being at an energy level of about eighty seven at all times. To see him so tired and sluggish was unheard of.
He gestures over to where Taehyung is in the middle of what looks like a job interview. “Moral support,” Jeongguk informs you. You nod in understanding, before returning your gaze to the sleepy angel in front of you.
He’s ridiculously tired, eyes dropping shut every time you so much as pause for a second. He seems apologetic too, murmuring I’m sorry I’m sorry whenever his eyes flutter shut. Your heart was going haywire at the sight. “Jeon,” you say softly, and get one, soft hum in response. “I think you should go home, Taehyung seems fine.”
He shakes his head. “Needs me,” he murmurs, trying desperately to snap his eyes back open to no avail. Eventually, you make the call, packing your things up way earlier than usual. You haul Jeongguk out of his seat, him sleepily trailing after you as you drag him out of the shop. He sleeps on the short bus ride back to campus, and even almost sleeps on the elevator up to his dorm.
“In we go,” you announce, unlocking his door before nudging him inside. His roommate is nowhere to be found, oddly enough given the early hour. Jeongguk stumbles inside, plopping down on his bed right away. “Sleep.”
He lets out a high pitched whine the moment you turn to leave. “Come cuddle,” he huffs, face pressed against his pillow. His hair’s haloed around him, pout smushed against the cushion as he stares at you.
“You need to sleep,” you point out.
He rolls onto his back, patting the mattress beside him. “Wanna feel you,” he says. Your cheeks flush red. As if realizing the meaning behind his words, sleepy little Jeongguk takes the initiative to push you further. “Pressed against my body,” he drawls, his deep chuckle resonating throughout your body. “C’mon, baby, too scared to be in bed with me?”
You scoff, though your cheeks are warm. “You wouldn’t do anything anyway, you’re half asleep.”
Jeongguk shrugs, lips quirking to the side as he motions to his side again. “So? Can tell you like it slow anyway,” he grunts, before sitting up and shuffling to the edge of the bed and assuming a sitting position. Without warning, he catches your wrist in his hand and tugs you between his spread thighs.
He’s more awake than he’s been all morning, and part of you is happy but the other is anxious. God, was this boy dangerous.
“You’re half asleep, Jeon,” you say, trying to diffuse the sudden sexual tension. Jeongguk smiles up at you.
“Cmon, baby,” he exhales, and one fluid tug has you plopping onto his thigh. You startle at the sudden change, grabbing onto his shoulders for support. All he does is laugh some more, nuzzling his face against your neck as your heart goes into panic mode. “Bet I could get in so deep,” he murmurs, breath tickling your neck and you feel your legs turn to jelly.
“G-Gguk,” you try to warn, but it ends up sounding more like a plea. For what, you’re not entirely sure.
A sudden kiss to the junction of your neck and shoulder has your spirit ascending into another plane. Jeongguk smiles at your pliant body. “Look at you,” he continues, kissing down your neck until your body is physically quivering. “So sensitive. No one ever touched you like this before, doll?”
You shake your head no, and nearly jump out of your own skin when a hand clasps onto the inside of your thigh. “Jeon, we shouldn’t…” you choke out, even though your traitorous hand clamps down on his and pushes it closer to where you need him most.
“We shouldn’t?” He teases, and then cups your sex.
You transcend.
Jeongguk laughs, airy chuckles fanning across your jaw. “Then stop,” he tells you, the both of you watching as your hips unconsciously grind into his palm. Even when you tell yourself you need to stop, your body feels heavenly being touched by him, so you physically can’t.
“I can’t,” you reiterate, and muffle a moan against the side of his face when he presses a finger down on where he knows your clit is hiding. The thin leggings you’d worn did nothing to spare you.
“God, you’re so fucking sexy,” he sighs, watching you work yourself on his hand. He traces his index finger over the seam of your leggings, where your folds meet and you moan again. “You gonna let me finish you off, princess? Gonna let me finger your tight little pussy until you cry? But I bet you’d make the prettiest noises if I licked you down there. Or are you gonna cum in your panties like this?”
All the different ideas he stuffs into your brain are overwhelming, especially when the only thing you really want is to be stuffed with his fingers and cock. “J-Just do it,” you beg.
“Do what?” He plays, watching the way your face contorted with every brush against your mound.
“Whatever you want,” you cry, biting down on your fist to stop any more noises from spilling out.
Jeongguk smiles, pressing a kiss to the corner of your mouth. Such a simple gesture, but it has your stomach somersaulting. God, you needed this. You were practically sobbing for his dick, which was embarrassing in itself, but actually getting dicked down sort of cancelled it out. PEMDAS or whatever. 
Just as his hand creeps to the hem of your leggings, there’s a rattle of the doorknob, and you jump. The cloud of lust that had engulfed you two fades away and you’re suddenly aware of the jingling of a key outside.
“What the fuck,” Jeongguk whisper-shouts, looking absolutely scandalized that his roommate is coming home at this moment of all moments.
“Should I hide?” You whisper back, never having been in such a situation before. Jeongguk looks at you like you’re stupid.
“Just,” he sighs, standing up. He ruffles his hair anxiously. “Just… act natural.”
You sit perfectly still. “Not like a Sim!!”
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“Captain Underpants and the Invasion of the Incredibly Naughty Cafeteria Ladies from Outer Space (and the Subsequent Assault of the Equally Evil Lunchroom Zombie Nerds),” you read, gasping for breath by the end of it. Jeongguk beams at you. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Nope,” Jeongguk says, leaning over the counter and watching as you scan his book under his name. “I’ll let you know how it is.”
You roll your eyes, writing down the return date on a piece of paper you stuff inside. “Please do, I’m absolutely dying to read this book.”
You hand the book over to Jeongguk, and try to ignore the way he stares at you for a second too long. Namjoon chooses this exact moment to take his lunch break, sauntering off whistling the the Angry Birds tune.
Right before Jeongguk can jump into an interrogation, the door swings open and Jisoo from your sociology elective saunters in, carrying the same mountain of books you had checked out for her two weeks ago.
“___, hi!” She exclaims right away. She, too, was infected with the same bimbo disease as Jeongguk, the one where they both had no concept of being quiet in a library.
“Hi,” you greet back, immediately standing to take the books from her. “Did you actually read through all of these?” You ask, trying to make polite small talk. You’re not particularly close to her, but it’d be rude to act like you didn’t know her.
She laughs at your comment. “Oh god, no. I just open random pages and reference them for essays,” she admits.
You try to make more small talk with her as you scan through her books, but the girl literally almost hit the material limit, which is fifty books, so you soon become consumed in scanning the barcode, briefly flipping through the book for any damage, and then repeating it all over. You’re not surprised when she drifts away, and you’re mentally cursing Namjoon for going on break now of all times.
It’s about ten minutes later when you’re all done, the computer’s library system going haywire on you, the same way it had when she first checked out all these books. You look away from the screen, standing to face Jisoo, only to find she’s drifted to the other end of the welcome desk, where a certain someone had gone to while you served her.
Oh.
You’re not anticipating the wave of jealousy that hits you watching gorgeous, smart Jisoo talk to Jeongguk. She matches him perfectly, both so beautiful it hurts. It’s when she says something to him that you snap out of it. “When can I come over again?” Soft enough that you wouldn’t have heard if you hadn’t been paying attention.
Jeongguk’s toying with a bookmark stand, but you still see the quirk of his lips on his face when she says that.
All you can do is watch from the sidelines, so close yet somehow miles away as he says something back to her that gets drowned out by the thundering of your heart. You suppose it’s only natural for a guy like Jeongguk to flirt with girls, and he’d never said he only, exclusively wanted you. Really, you shouldn’t be as surprised.
But you are.
You’re surprised and, dare you say it, discouraged by the scene. He’d been so eager to finally win you over the other night, so much so that he made you feel special with every word he uttered and every look he gave you. You’d almost believed in his sincerity, but seeing him so easily converse with Jisoo about whatever past they have, served as a cold reminder that you and Jeongguk believe in two completely different relationship styles.
So you sit back down, gnawing on your lip as you try to do other duties, clicking around uselessly on your computer until eventually, Jisoo wanders back.
“Am I all set?” She smiles, and you can’t even find it in you to dislike her. You plaster on your best customer service smile, nodding and handing her back her library card. She thanks you three times over for the hassle, before waving goodbye to you and Jeongguk.
When the door falls shut behind her, you immediately drop the facade, though Jeongguk doesn’t seem to notice. “Whew. She left a lot of work for you,” he laughs, eyeing the big stack beside you. You don’t even bother responding, as, at that moment, Namjoon returns from his lunch break.
(How convenient! You swear this fucker had a sixth sense for knowing when work was about to become hard.)
“Joon, I’m taking my break now,” you announce, and Namjoon stares at you like a deer in headlights, the last bite of a sandwich raised to his mouth.
“Uh,” he says, 140 IQ and all. He glances behind you at Jeongguk, who also is confused as all hell. “Okay, then.”
“___?” Jeongguk questions. You stalk off, pushing the gate away from the desk before bursting into the employee break room right across from it.
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You cry the moment you get home, and Dahyun jumps ten feet out of her bed in shock. Her girlfriend, Momo, is sitting on the floor painting her toes. “Oh no,” she cries, sweet and understanding in all the ways Dahyun wasn’t. “My poor baby, what’s wrong?” She asks, waddling over in the my-nail-polish-hasn’t-dried-yet way to hug you.
“He was flirting with another girl,” you sob, dropping your bag by the door as Momo continues fawning over you, wiping your face with tissues. Dahyun gets out of bed, cracks her fingers, and promptly announces:
“I’m gonna kill him.”
Initially, you would have let her. But after a while you manage to calm down, loud Kim Kardashian sobs fading into tiny hiccups as the two of them coddle you. You tell them all about what terrible, good for nothing Jeongguk did, and in true female solidarity, they vow to kick his ass for you. Eventually, you settle on not whooping his ass, just cutting any romantic notions with him off to avoid further heartbreak. After all, you were kinda friends before you had your little crush revelation.
It’s later in the night when you announce you maybe got 2% over him, which the girls count as an absolute win, but then Jeongguk texts you and they groan at the way you jump for your phone.
jeon hey can we talk ? jeon did I do something wrong today? jeon felt like u were mad at me lol, and then u took a really long break and I had to leave for class so I didn’t even get to see u again jeon just wanna know if everything is ok
You read through the messages a couple times, and wonder if he’s being serious and didn’t see anything sus with his actions, or if he’s just toying with your emotions. Momo tugs Dahyun away to give you some sort of privacy, and then you’re left alone in your thoughts.
you everything’s fine ! you I just wasn’t feeling well lol
He responds right away.
jeon please don’t lie to me ___ jeon I know what you’re probably thinking and I just want to say it’s not like that
For some reason, him saying he knows you enough to know your thoughts irritates you. He obviously didn’t know shit about you if he was out here making you look like a clown. Your fingers type before you can even think.
you lmao you thats funny
jeon ?
you you most def do not know what I’m thinking so please just take my word when I say I felt sick
jeon lmao. what do you mean...
you you barely know ME besides the fact I work @ the library and dorm w Dahyun. don't say u know what I’m thinking, bc that would imply you know me on a closer level which you don’t
jeon ok seriously what's up with you?  jeon im trying to make sure ur okay but ur just being difficult as fuck
you I’m not being difficult I’m just being real
jeon ur not tho, ur being defensive for no reason at all
you so? we’re barely friends and we barely know each other, how I feel is none of ur business
jeon lmfaoooo, so now we’re barely friends?
you thats what I said didnt I
You set your phone aside when you don’t immediately see the texting dots appear, assuming your dry response is probably enough to ward Jeongguk off. Your face feels warm, and you’re not sure if it’s from frustration or anger, but you guess it’s both. You’re not sure what set you off, the fact Jeongguk wants to act like he knows you, as if he wasn’t just chasing after you for some pussy, or the fact he wanted to act like some all-knowing being when it came to your feelings.
Eitherway, you’re extremely heated, grinding your teeth together when five minutes pass and he hasn’t texted you back. As if sensing the tension, Momo and Dahyun abruptly announce that they’re going to the ice cream place down the street, offering to bring something back to which you decline.
They leave, the heavy door slamming shut behind them. You get exactly two seconds of peace and quiet before your phone starts going off like crazy, all from Jeongguk.
jeon you’re starting to piss me off jeon drop the attitude baby. jeon bc I can be just as mean as u jeon and I won’t hesitate to make you cry
You blink. Every ounce of your body that had been consumed with an unknown anger slowly fades away as you stare wide eyed at Jeongguk’s messages. This was nothing like the Jeongguk you knew; he was soft and playful. He never raised his voice at you, and he’d never been anything less than a sweetheart.
you I don’t have an attitude
Is your feeble reply, too scared to reply to any other part of his message because you truly had no experience with this Jeongguk.
jeon so then put your big girl pants on and tell me what’s wrong jeon enough w this other shit
You sigh, snuggling into your covers as you absentmindedly tap the back of your phone.
you nothing is wrong
He doesn’t reply for a couple minutes again, but Dahyun sends you a text letting you know her and Momo decided to go to an event on the other side of campus, and telling you not to wait up. You reply back a simple ok right as Jeongguk responds.
jeon ok. so let me tell you what’s wrong then jeon you’re mad bc I was speaking to Jisoo today and she asked abt coming over jeon she comes over all the time jeon bc she is my roommates girlfriend
Your mind goes blank.
How embarrassing to have your mind read word for word, even more so when apparently, your worries weren’t even plausible. God. Instantly you feel stupid, replaying today’s entire scene and trying desperately to find something to catch Jeongguk in a lie. But other than asking that one question, there had been no other interesting talk between the two.
Your phone pings again, and you scramble to type a response, only to freeze at the words on the screen
jeon what blows me is that i don’t even owe u shit especially not an explanation jeon u don’t give 2 flying fucks about me. U just like the attention I give u and watching me make a fool of myself for u jeon I bend over backwards chasing after you, trying to get you to notice me, but you’ve done nothing to show me u feel the same jeon but you’re the one allowed to get mad when I speak to other girls? like u said “ that’s funny ”
Oh, no. Immediately your heart comes crashing down, and your fingers tremble as you watch Jeongguk slip away right before your eyes.
you Jeongguk you it’s not like that please you I like you so much, it’s just hard for me to
jeon to what? Get over your stupid stereotype of me?? jeon lmfao. Yeah that must be sooo hard jeon it’s whatever tho bc I had one of u too jeon my dream girl
This is not what you expected when he said he’d make you cry.
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“Honey, you just have to talk to him,” Momo says the next morning, pressing a cucumber slice onto your eyes. You flinch at the initial iciness, but then relax when she brushes your hair out of your face. You’d gone to sleep a wreck, crying and sobbing as you thought desperately on how to win Jeongguk back, but everything he had said was true.
You’d done nothing but reject him since the beginning, had only just begun treating him as a friend, yet you instantly placed the blame on him at the first signs of trouble. God, he was right. You’d been selfish this entire time, and now he wasn’t responding to your messages anymore.
Dahyun nods from her cocoon at the foot of your bed. “I’m sure it’ll be easier in person, text convos are always weird,” she tries to comfort you. “But keep those slices on, those bags under your eyes are no joke.”
Momo smacks her calf. “Be nice! She’s going through a crisis.”
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Right as you’re about to pay for your meal and sprint back to hide in your dorm, you spot a coconut head of hair facing the windows in the far corner of the dining hall. Fuck. Faintly, you can hear Dahyun’s voice shouting for you to stop being a pussy and go talk to him. You pause by the exit, one leg in one leg out, before saying fuck it. If worse comes to worse, you transfer schools and live with heartbreak and three cats for the rest of your life.
“I-Is someone sitting here?” You say before you can chicken out, and mentally curse yourself for stuttering. Oh, the social horror.
Jeongguk visibly jumps at your voice, wide doe eyes staring at you as if he expected to never see you again. After all, it’s been a week since your little fight, three days since you last tried texting him. He shakes his head, turning his attention back to his plate, but not before tugging the hoodie of his sweater over his head in a classic self defensive tactic.
You slide into the seat, staring at the plate of food like you’ve never seen it in your life, never mind the fact you picked it out less than fifteen minutes ago. You accidentally scrape your fork against the bottom, and the both of you cringe.
Jeongguk clears his throat, hands clasped together between his thighs as he stares out the window. “Don’t you have work?” He asks, voice raspy.
You shake your head. “I took the week off,” you confess, hoping he doesn’t press for more, because then you’d have to tell him your reasoning was due to heartache.
“Oh. That’s nice,” he says, and then you fall into a pit of awkward silence.
You push the food around on your plate, hoping he’ll say something, anything to save the two of you. In the end, he stays silent, sleepily glancing out the windows.
When you look closer, though, Jeongguk doesn’t look much hot than you. He’s got the same bags as you under his eyes, and his hair looks messier than his usual messy style. The fact he’s wearing his blue crocs out in public only confirms your theory.
After a solid five minutes of silence, even your hungry stomach managing to stay quiet, you decide enough is enough.
You shift ever so slightly, until you’re somewhat facing him and clear your throat; Jeongguk barely spares you a glance. “The Preposterous Plight of the Purple Potty People,” you blurt. Jeongguk blinks, face slowly morphing into one of confusion. Your cheeks feel hot under his gaze, having missed his brown eyes in the past week. “It’s your favorite one,” you announce. “Of the Captain Underpants books.”
After a moment, Jeongguk snorts, turning his attention away from you. “You’re not gonna win me over with that,” he says curtly, and your heart tightens at his emotionless tone of voice.
But you’ve done your research, and you’re not letting it go to waste. “You like George more than Harold because you think he contributes more. You love the characterization of Mr. Krupp the most, but you hate his theme song. You think the cover art could use some work, but you enjoy the overall art style. You hated the movie adaptation because Kevin Hart was in it,” you list, recalling every bit of information you’ve ever heard Jeongguk share about the stupid novels.
There’s a small quirk in the corner of Jeongguk’s lips, but it’s not the one you’re aiming for, so you switch tactics. “You hate the smell of bananas because you don’t think it should have a smell. You can’t put your left sock on first, because it’s bad luck to you. Your mom still washes your sheets for you. You know the lyrics to the original Dragon Ball series in three languages. You like wearing rings because it makes you feel like a pimp. You hate when Hoseok calls you the baby, because, according to you, you bench press his weight times two.”
“And a half,” he softly corrects, gazing at his hands, cheeks slightly tinged with red. You bite your lip, tentatively reaching a hand out to place on his arm. He looks at you right away, doe eyes so vulnerable and scared, like nothing you’ve ever seen before.
“I said we barely knew each other, but that was a lie,” you chuckle humorlessly, suddenly feeling your eyes tear up just remembering the conversation. “I know so much about you because I love listening to you talk. I love hearing your voice, and watching you wrestle with your friends, and fight with Dahyun. But I never tell you,” you bite your lip, blinking your eyes to backtrack the tears.
“And you’re right, I made you do all the work and I’m sorry, but I’m just so scared, Jeongguk,” you admit, voice cracking on his name. Your press a hand over your mouth, trying to collect yourself. Suddenly, a soft hand gently pats your thigh, and you find yourself reaching down to tangle your fingers together. “You can have anyone, Jeongguk, and you obviously know this,” you sigh. “I’m scared that I won’t be enough for you.”
“Hey, it’s alright,” Jeongguk says, voice soft in the way you’ve missed so much. His hand, shaky and unsure, reaches up to brush a tear from the corner of your eye. “Look at me,” he commands, and you do. “I think we’re both stupid, because I feel like I’ve never been enough for you,” he confesses with a chuckle you try to replicate through sniffles.
Suddenly, he’s close, forehead pressed to yours. “And maybe it’s true,” he says. “You won’t be enough for me, and I’ve never been enough for you.” Your heart aches at his words. “But that’s okay,” he assures, squeezing your thigh between his fingers. “We don't have to be right now, but we can try.”
You nod, clamping down a sob. “God, I hate how optimistic you are,” you laugh, and he smiles, cupping your face in his hands.
“And I hate watching you cry,” he says, fingers wiping your cheeks. Before you can say what you’re thinking, he’s snatching the words right out of you, “yes, I know I said what I said, and I felt like such a dick typing it, I made Jimin flick my forehead right after.”
You giggle, and he beams that dreamy smile at you again. “I’m gonna kiss you now,” he announces, and your heart thunders in your chest faster than the wings of a hummingbird.
And he does.
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“I don’t know, I think Kevin Hart sounds great in this,” you mention, and you feel the hard scoff Jeongguk lets out from your position cradled on his chest. “It’s not the worst thing in the world,” you defend.
“You’re sick,” he says, then pauses the Captain Underpants movie to engage in your third debate of the evening. You’re barely fifteen minutes in. “You think that weirdo did George justice? How? In what world?”
“Babe, it’s just a voice actor,” you placate. “No one died because Mr. Hart voiced him.”
Jeongguk splutters. “Mr. Hart—you don’t know this man! And something did die! My hopes for a sequel!”
You shush him, pressing your index finger to his lips. “Enough complaints, Rotten Tomatoes. We won’t even finish at this rate.”
Jeongguk hits play, grumbling under his breath.
Just as you’d predicted, you don’t even make it to the halfway mark before Jeongguk’s got you on your back, plush lips working yours until they’re bruised, tongue halfway down your throat. “The mov—“ you mumble.
“Fuck Mr. Hart,” Jeongguk says, kissing down your jaw like he can’t allow himself to miss a single spot. When he reaches the collar of your shirt, he wastes no time tugging it off of you. You whine, instinctively covering your chest. “Don’t be shy,” he chuckles, “here, look-,” he tugs his sweatshirt over his head, and you’re met with the strong muscles of his abdomen and pecs, “-twins.”
You roll your eyes. “Just kiss me, Mr. Jeon,” you tease, wrapping your hands around him to bring him closer. He chokes, and mumbles something about saving that for another time.
Before you know it, he’s kissing between your thighs, soft lips producing the most erotic sounds with every smooch he gives. “Can I take these off?” he asks, one lone finger creeping beneath the hem of your panties, right where your hip is. You nod, biting your lower lip hard the moment he begins sliding them down. His hands are soft as they glide over your legs, and when he finally tugs them away from your ankles, he wastes no time nudging your legs open for him.
“Don’t just look at it,” you whine, jabbing his ribs with your foot. Jeongguk grins.
“Sorry I stare, you’re just so pretty,” he smiles, and you muffle an annoyed groan into your palms. “Gonna eat you out now,” he announces, finally, and you uncover your face to watch the way he lowers his mouth onto your throbbing pussy, pink tongue coming out to lick at your clit.
The first press of the wet muscle has your toes curling, back arched. You’d been craving this for the longest, and just as you’d expect, it’s better than any fantasy. “Right there,” you moan, reaching down to tangle a hand in Jeongguk’s wavy hair, the other fisting the pillow beneath your head.
Jeongguk absorbs all your tiny reactions, toying with your clit just how you like it. He rolls his tongue around it, making sure every part has been in his mouth at least once. When he suctions his lips around it and moans like this was getting him off, your body melts. “Fuck,” you cry out, your thighs quivering around his head. Part of you wants to slam them shut, hide from his tongue and all its devious ministrations. But the other part has never felt so good in your entire life.
When Jeongguk decides he’s pampered your swollen clit enough, he gives it one final kiss, wet and slippery. “Good?” He smiles up at you, lips slick with your juices. You nod, probably already looking fucked out. He smirks at your response, and your heart backflips in your chest, when he reaches up to knot your fingers together.
He kisses your knuckle and you whine. “How many fingers do you want?” He asks, and you blurt out the first number you can think of.
“Eight,” you choke, and immediately flush in embarrassment afterwards.
Jeongguk laughs, dropping his head to your thigh in a fit of giggles. He looks absolutely ethereal there, soft brown hair sprawled across your skin like an angel. “Smaller numbers, baby, please,” he chuckles. You shrug, so he decides for you. “How about I just use my tongue instead?” You think you might love him.
He settles back down, lips pressing against your mound one final time, before he’s diving in. You mewl right away, body becoming one with the mattress beneath you at the first brush of his tongue.
“Oh, Jeongguk,” you gasp, hands burying themselves in his scalp again. He hums in response, and the sound has every nerve in your body lighting up. His tongue prods against your folds, slowly licking his way deeper and deeper into your cunt.
The worst comes when he sighs against your pussy, literally sighs, like he’s so blessed to be there. “You’re s-so good at this,” you cry out, trembling fingers twisting his hair so tightly that you manage to pull him off just an inch. He pinches your thigh in warning, before stuffing his tongue into you again, absolutely plunging into the depths of your hole.
Just when you think he couldn’t possibly outdo this, he jolts up suddenly, nose brushing against your clit. His eyes go wide for the slightest second, as if he really hadn’t planned that, before flickering at you.
To your utter embarrassment, he takes one long whiff, eyes rolling to the back of his head in pleasure.
He pulls away from your dripping hole. “You smell so fucking good,” he informs you, spreading a fiery blush across your cheeks.
“Thanks?” You say, and he grins, shuffling onto his knees all of a sudden. You mope the loss of his tongue on your pussy, but forget about it the second he reaches for his desk and returns with a condom.
He tears the foil packet open with gentle hands, eyes weirdly zeroed in on that only. You nudge his hip, and when he meets your gaze, he instantly averts it. Like he’s suddenly shy.
Oh he was gonna be the death of you.
You tug his boxers down and get to revel in more of those bashful glances, but you soon forget about that when he grips his rock hard member in one hand, jacking it to its full potential. “Ready?” He says, one hand gripping your hip, the other his cock. You nod, and then shift up onto your elbows to watch him sink into you.
You can barely keep your eyes open, the second the tip of his cock brushes against you your eyes roll back into your head. You moan, letting yourself flop back against the mattress, chest heaving with each inch he sinks in. “Fuck, you’re big,” you cry, biting down on your fist.
Jeongguk chuckles. “Yeah?” He grunts, and then stills as he waits for you to catch your breath. He gives you exactly four seconds before he’s thrusting the remainder of the way in.
Your back arches off the bed, a high-pitched moan ripping itself out of your throat. “Jeon!”
“Relax, relax,” he croons, releasing your hip to lean over you, peppering your face in kisses. You’re heaving for air, so overwhelmed with emotions. “You’re doing so good for me, doll,” he comforts, kissing every inch of you until you regain your wits. “So wet and warm for me, you have no idea how bad I wanna just ram my cock into your tight, little pussy.”
You huff, heart still skipping by the time you grow familiar with the sheer size of his dick inside of you. When you’ve finally come back down to earth, eyes fluttering at Jeongguk, he gives you one affirmative nod before he begins really fucking you.
He starts carefully, like he’s afraid he’ll break you with one push. You’re thankful that he’s at least somewhat aware of his own bear strength, but you’d prefer if he picked up the pace. Before you can file a complaint, he’s hiking your thigh up onto the crease of his elbow, and ramming himself into you.
“Could already hear some smart ass comment coming,” he groans, snapping his hips into you with a newfound intensity. You moan, trying desperately to reciprocate some movements back.
“Wasn’t gonna say anything,” you gasp, fingernails digging into the skin of his shoulders, scratching lone lines down his back. Jeongguk snorts, pushing in, and then grinding your pelvises together deliciously.
He rolls his eyes, then chooses that exact moment to capture your lips in his. You groan softly, body boneless beneath him at the gentle way he kisses you, like his entire life depends on this single kiss.
When he finally releases your lips, he’s huffing against your mouth, hips having not stopped a single time. You know he’s tired and so riled up; you’d felt the brush of his half-hard member from the moment you first laid down to watch the movie.
But Jeongguk was a gentleman, through and through. You’d felt the brush of his cock, and heard the thundering of his heart, but he hadn’t pushed you further a single time. He basked in your presence, waiting until you crept your hand beneath his shirt to finally pounce.
“I’m close,” you tell him, reaching down to toy with your clit. Jeongguk had treated it like the finest treasure earlier, but now your gentle caresses feel mediocre compared to the way he’d touched it. Jeongguk nods, the tips of his wavy hair sticking to his forehead and the back of his neck. You abandon your quest to finish yourself off and focus on brushing his hair away from his face. “You’re so good to me,” you moan, lightly picking the corner of his mouth. “Don’t deserve you.”
He rams his cock into you, the arm not holding up your thigh weakening, until he’s leaning on his forearm over you. “Don’t say that,” he chokes out, and you wonder if his orgasm is as close as yours.
A particular brush of his cock against your cervix has you seeing stars, thighs clenching around him. “Just a little bit—more,” you beg, body writhing beneath him, pushing yourself up to meet his thrusts.
“So perfect,” he praises, kissing along your jaw. “Come for me, baby.”
You nod, but not before cupping his face in your hands, and pressing a sweet kiss to his lips. He makes a soft little sound of surprise, smile pressed against your mouth, and the heat in your abdomen finally explodes. You disassociate for all of one second, consumed in a wave of bliss never before heard of, his pistoning thrusts working you through it.
You nearly cry from how good it feels, throwing an arm around his neck to pull him closer. You’re babbling like an idiot, saying shit you won’t remember later. What you do recall is the chuckles Jeongguk had muffled against your neck, hips never faltering as he chased his own high.
He finds it a few beats later, the muscles of his back suddenly going rigid. He moans your name, somehow making it sound like it’s the best song in the world, before his hips begin stuttering in their mission. He eventually goes slack, slumped over you without completely crushing you beneath the weight of his muscles.
By the time you’ve fully recovered, he’s sliding out of you. Right as you go to speak, he stuffs two fingers into your sensitive cunt. “Jeon!” You wail, reaching down to push him away before you come again.
He snickers. “What? It’d be a waste to let it out,” he says, letting go when he’s decided he’s done his job, popping the digits into his mouth. You groan, trying to quell the excitement that builds in your chest from watching him suck your cum off his fingers.
“You’re the worst,” you sigh, snatching his t-shirt off the edge of the bed to tug over your bare form. Jeongguk tugs his underwear back on, retrieving yours from where he’d flung them across the room. When you’re settled into the blankets again, you’re not expecting the laptop to return as well. You raise a questioning eyebrow.
Jeongguk shrugs, nestling into your chest. “Hit play, this is when Professor Poopy Pants begins attacking the city.”
6K notes · View notes
letterstomilen · 3 years
Text
i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)
Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.
Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ. 
“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.
(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)
“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”
“You said that six seasons ago.”
Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”
“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.
Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.
(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)
“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”
A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.
Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)
Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.
Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.
“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”
“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.
“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”
“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.
“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”
Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.
“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”
“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.
“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.
Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.
 Childe
12:35
ur a horrible influence on tonia
 Childe
12:35
and whos this ZHONGLI
 Childe
12:35
also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os
 Twin 1
12:37
a normal person would say hi
 Twin 1
12:37
also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school
 Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?
 Childe
12:38
thats not very convincing
 Childe
12:38
also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares
 Twin 1
12:39
isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12
 Childe
12:42
thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”
 Twin 1
12:42
well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk
 Childe
12:42
whats asmr
 Childe
12:43
asking for my sister btw
 Twin 1
12:44
A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.
 Childe
12:45
wtf?
 Twin 1
12:45
people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????
 Childe
12:45
idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos
 Twin 1
12:47
… makes sense
 Twin 1
12:47
check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type
 Childe
12:48
i thought we were talking about my sister????
 Twin 1
12:50
[message screenshots.jpg]
 Twin 1
12:50
ya she told me everything
 Twin 1
12:50
have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA
 Childe
12:51
hope he does it
He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)
It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)
When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.
The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week.  He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.
Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.
Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.
“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”
Holy shit.
For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)
His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.
Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”
This time is different though.
Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.
And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.
The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)
Oh God — oh fuck.
“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)
“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)
“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”
“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”
“Huh?”
The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?
“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.
“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.
“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”
“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”
“Yeah.”
Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.
Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.
39 notes · View notes
Text
#160-151
160. Girl At Home (4.416)
Highest score was 7.6; Lowest score was 1
I consider this not being in the bottom five a win! Remember when we all theorised that this song was about Zac Efron? What a fun theory. It’s also fun to contrast this song with later songs such as illicit affairs and ivy. To be both anti-cheating and pro-cheating all within the same discography... the range she has!
Highlighted comments:
@leadinmeon​: “i like this one. not sure why ppl stan it so much”
@corneliaavenue​: “I'm saving my 0, but girrrlllll you were so close to getting it”
159. Bad Blood (4.497)
Highest score was 7.6; Lowest score was 0 (@na-smetisti)
A song about the Katy Perry feud that honestly feels like decades ago at this point. Looking back, what strikes me about this song is how... vague and generic the lyrics are. I mean, I unashamedly bop, but if Taylor hadn’t all but named Katy as the subject, I’m pretty sure no one would have ever known. We rated the album version here, but I think the Kendrick version probably would score a little bit higher, mostly because the verses are marginally more interesting.
Highlighted comments:
@everfolk​: “the kendrick version slaps tho”
@tobesolonely​: “this song hits at a solid ten when you're mad though”
@leadinmeon​: “look it's poppin but it's also boring”
158. Change (4.778)
Highest score was 7.5; Lowest score was 1
Honestly, I think this is one of the songs that will benefit best from a rerecording. Because as much as I love Taylor, this is... not the best showcase of her vocals. Imagine if she included that 15 second long high note that I used to see all over my timeline on swiftie twt back in 2013. Now that would be a moment.
Highlighted comments:
@corneliaavenue​: “her worst album closer”
157. Two Is Better Than One (4.797)
Highest score was 10; Lowest score was 1
This is a collab with Boys Like Girls, a band I know absolutely nothing about. I've only listened to this once, when I was doing my own ranking, and I could not tell you how it goes, but I think it bopped at least a little bit? If any OG Swifties have an insight on this collab, particularly how and why it happened, I would find that very interesting!
Highlighted comments:
@tobesolonely​: “i asked taylor to perform this on the rep tour and she looked at me like i was crazy” (she should’ve listened to you smh)
@itspeterlosingwendy​: “boys like girls was such a big part of middle school, this duet hit hard then”
@yourivysgrows: “I had war flashbacks remembering this existed”
156. Invisible (4.825)
Highest score was 9; Lowest score was 1
I have literally nothing interesting to say about this. It’s not awful, but I think it’s a concept that Taylor has done better numerous other times. I think I enjoyed it when I was like 12 years old and had a minor crush on a guy in my class I had never spoken to? I would rather not think about my 12 year old self, so let’s just leave it at that.
Highlighted comments:
@leadinmeon​: “this song is so terrible i have no idea why people like it”
@yourivysgrows: “7 year old me BOPPED to this”
155. Today Was A Fairytale (4.909)
Highest score was 8; Lowest score was 0 (@everfolk)
Am I a fake Swiftie if I've never watched Valentine's Day? I've watched a compilation of Taylor's scenes on YouTube, and that was more than enough for me. This song was probably the best thing to come out of that movie for me, and even then I hardly ever listen to it. It’s sweet, though.
Highlighted comments:
@everfolk​: “I cannot for the life of me listen to this song in full”
@onceintwentylifetimes​: “It's cute but she's done it all before and better”
@yourivysgrows: “That movie javajajaj”
154. I Forgot That You Existed (5.000)
Highest score was 7.5; Lowest score was 2
The way that the final score for this song is a perfectly average 5... almost poetic in a sense. It isn't love, it isn't hate, it's just indifference indeed. I think this song being an album opener makes me dislike it more than I otherwise would, it’s just so underwhelming in that role. Also, someone (either a sessioner or someone pretending to be a sessioner) hyped it up as being a “pop State of Grace” and I’m still bitter about that.
Highlighted comments:
@liabilitys​: “the closest she gets to acknowledging calcium hydroxide and i love that for her”
@corneliaavenue​: “I forget this song exists”
153. A Place in This World (5.059)
Highest score was 7.5; Lowest score was 2
This really hit hard for my teenage self, but it’s been a while since I really felt like it connected. It’s a nice song, and a nice sentiment, but the lyricism is ultimately a bit simplistic and the song doesn’t really have as much depth as we’ve come to expect from Taylor’s best work.
Highlighted comments:
@yourivysgrows: “Was actually a favorite as a kid but I've outgrown it”
152. Both of Us (5.066)
Highest score was 9; Lowest score was 1
I know we just talked about Two Is Better Than One and the fact that I know literally nothing about Boys Like Girls, but for me this is the most enigmatic Taylor collab. How and why did it happen? What commonalities drove BoB and Taylor to work together? Did they discuss the Flat Earth theory? So many questions, so few answers. Also while I actually think this is a very lovely song, it's produced by Dr Luke and BoB is an antisemetic conspiracy nut so we have no choice but to not stan!
Highlighted comments:
@onceintwentylifetimes​: “Taylor's chorus is nice and the rest of this song is fine but I never really want to listen to it”
@yourivysgrows: “Not bad, not my favorite”
151. End Game (ft. Ed Sheeran & Future) (5.078)
Highest score was 8; Lowest score was 1
As an End Game apologist, I’m disappointed... but not surprised. This was actually my least favourite song on reputation when it first released, but over time it snuck up on me and I can appreciate it for the bop that it is! Can we at least agree that Taylor’s verse slaps? I mean, it has the ever so brilliant “I bury hatchets but I keep maps of where I put ‘em” and I wholeheartedly believe that “I can’t let you go / Your handprints on my soul / It’s like your eyes are liquor / It’s like your body is gold” is one of her greatest lyrics ever.
Highlighted comments:
@treacherousdemo​: “will end game not being in the bottom three be upsetting to some? perhaps”
@corneliaavenue: “this song is good, you guys just hate ed sheeran” (and that’s the tea!)
@tobesolonely: “ed sheeran rapping :/” 
14 notes · View notes
isolctions · 3 years
Text
...........so let’s finally talk abt what the actual fucking fuck is wrong with ai’rina rue castillo, huh gang? :-)
(everyone go thank @armsdealing & @durcgs beating the anxiety out of me in order to post this info-dump.)
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...before we get into things, now’s the part where i establish a warning for triggers to be discussed in this lengthy headcanon post. there’s gonna be some talks of mental illness, slight alcohol abuse, & breaking down topics of familial abuse, mental abuse, religious abuse, emotional manipulation, and elements of non-con. be warned.
a’ight, so look. i’ve hinted in between threads & development that rue had a not-so-fantastic upbringing that impacted how she perceives herself, how she interacts with others, (in terms of her career, at least) and how she views personal relationships, but i didn’t realize how........severely her upbringing messed with her mental health until i started working through how i wanted to plot out rue’s behavior for her next album release. at first, i had the idea that she decided to take more time for herself & sort of distance herself from the public / media circus plaguing her life so that she can create much more authentic music. then i actually listened to the EP that i’m basing her album off of and thought “...oh.” THEN, i looked over old meme responses & old threads / mentions of her family and how she grew up and thought, not for the last time since piecing everything together: “....oh. oh fucking boy.”
so, that horrible realization dawning on me, let’s talk about rue’s childhood.
i wrote a thing like, two years ago almost (that upon looking for last night, i realized i didn’t actually share it w/ anyone but alex in our discord server & only mentioned a portion of it in rue’s moodboard that i made) that talked vaguely about how rue felt growing up. and it’s worth noting that...she’s the middle of ten fucking siblings. and that’s just the brothers & sisters she knew of that stayed with their mother. and on top of that, not all of those siblings are the product of rue’s father, or even rue’s mother for that matter. and it’s also worth noting that rue not only grew up in poverty, but she grew up never having any actual space that had solely been her own, or even an article of clothing that had belonged entirely to her. so naturally, as a young child, rue sort of became torn between starved for attention & wanting someone to pay attention to her (whether that be her older siblings including her in something, whatever teacher they had for the next six months to call on her for something, for her mother to miraculously show up with her unknown father in tow one day, & for literally anyone to be her friend, pls god Notice her!!!) and for people to simply leave her the hell alone. obviously, this carried into adulthood.
and branching off from the whole “lack of space” point i made, rue wound up growing up to become increasingly more private as time went on because she literally cannot remember a single moment where she wasn’t squished between a bunch of people. driving around in their minivan? rue’s packed in the middle of the second row. nowhere to sleep while on the road? rue’s smacked between gigantic older brothers & clingy little siblings. need to use to bathroom? lmao, she better off going outside!!! gotta change clothes? yeah, good luck with that. it was to the point where, when rue got her first period, she was humiliated by it — not because ‘omg, am i a woman now?? wtf is this???’, but because she ruined the one good sheet that she slept on with her sisters & they were super pissed at her and her mother withheld pay from her for weeks. >:/
already, rue grew up never having shit to herself until the record deal. but she also dealt with literally...so much abuse from her mother. rue thought this was the norm growing up, because all of her siblings faced their mother’s wrath at some point & all of them eventually learned to just deal with the shit and do what she says if they wanted to avoid it. they all compartmentalized and repressed to varying degrees. there’s a lot in which rue has repressed so deeply, she doesn’t even remember if it seriously happened or if she was just making it up bc it was so fucking bizarre for a parent to act that way towards their child, lol?? (and this behavior of “i’m just going to do what you say bc i don’t want to deal with whatever bullshit you’re up to if i say no” also carried into business / personal relationships, which is...very Yikes it’s amazing she didn’t get scammed or worse!) 
so sure, people have complimented her for her exceptional manners & her cleanliness & how quiet / polite she is & how amazing her posture is, bc seriously, this girl will never experience back problems in her life bc her posture is so on par. but where rue typically smiles / responds bashfully, she can’t exactly just up and say: “oh, yeah, my mom used to slap the shit out of me ‘til i bruised if i spoke out of turn or talked back, and if i reached for anything in the store or put my elbows on the table she’d slap a ruler against my palms ‘til i got welts, and she’d make me read verses all night without sleep if i did anything wrong and make me straighten up and kneel on rice if i slouched or took a nap in church and humiliated me in public if i so much as looked at someone of the opposite sex on the street n oh, did i mention i also cleaned houses for rich millionaire snobs from ages twelve to sixteen and if they said or did literally anything to me i wasn’t allowed to defend myself?? ya i’m real proper :)”
(and normal ppl will go: “...................what the FUCK is WRONG with you????”)
but oh man, babe, we’re not done yet!!! rue, being the product of both a highly religious and a highly exploitative household...had difficulty when she started reaching puberty & noticing her classmates. plural, because it wasn’t just boys that she began to secretly have crushes on / fantasize abt, sexually or domestically. she also realized, oh shit, that she started looking at girls differently too. and that literally put the fear of god into her heart, bc if her mother ever found out that she was having non-platonic feelings for the girls in her classrooms, she wasn’t going to be pissed. her mom might have actually tried to kill her. or have her exorcised or something. she knew the shit would be severe, and she wanted no fucking parts of her mother or her siblings inserting the church into her personal life, thank u very much! so rue started suppressing her romantic feelings for people to the point where if adult rue receives intimacy, she’s like “...is this allowed? is this not illegal??????” while simultaneously being like “i will be a slut. just this once. as a Treat to teenage me. :>” regardless, rue learned to molotov cocktail literally any emotion or thought she had, bc she was paranoid that it would give her mother a vision.
now, onto the perils of exploitation...she should’ve been used to it really, what with her mother forcing herself & siblings to lure customers into their shop with promises of visions and palm readings and the wonders of the cards and overexerting their abilities. same with housekeeping, like being of service to people was normal! but when seventeen year old rue decided to sign a record deal and break from home, she wasn’t thinking critically about what the fuck all of this would entail. and as described in this headcanon post abt her discography, her early music was the product of allowing people much older & powerful than you to influence your work & manipulate your values. so rue was very much parading around as someone she wasn’t, someone much more confident and badass and self-assured than she really was, and she was so impressionable back then that it literally makes her sick to think back on it now. she calls it her puppy phase and phrases the eagerness to please execs as ‘tongue wagging’. homegirl hardly even knew her name anymore, bc all she was and all she would ever be was rue, the star, the vocal temptress. not ai’rina, the help or ai’rina, the seer, ai’rina, the weak little nobody. but later on, the subtle manipulation was less about decision making & how they wanted her to sound, and more about how they wanted to present the latest trophy star — because after all, she was pretty. people liked her. she sung really well. suitors weren’t too far off into the distant future. so why not kill two birds with one stone by having a high ranking label artist keep tabloids talking by being seen in public with a few heart throbs? surely, there’s no harm in manipulating an eighteen/nineteen year old’s love life! under the guise of improving her social skills & relations with fellow artists and the media and the like, rue gave into the pressures and let herself be taken out on dates & seen at awards shows with a few guys. no big deal. it was only for a night or so, she could handle the attention. then, one night appearances turned into week long appearances. pretending to date for only a month! completely innocent, positive exposure. :)
(adult rue, looking back @ younger rue: you stupid fucking BITCH-)
yeah, so once her label/management realized that she was turning into a hot commodity, they lost no sleep at allowing their nineteen year old artist to be seen ‘dating’ 20-24+ year old men occasionally. and whatever happened after their public appearances were none of their business. plus, she was good at pretending and being arm candy — so rue experienced her first kiss, her first dates, and her first times with people who she’s almost certain hardly remember their time with her, and really only got involved with her for a mutual career boost. very few of them does she actually remember in a positive light, and the ones that were positive, still depress her bc lmao all of it was fake, even if they were really nice & made it less like a chore and more like they actually wanted to be with her!! even fewer of them were actual relationships. meaning, said person asked her out of their own volition, not bc their managers thought it’d be a decent match on camera. it was evil, really, what her old label made of her. (like, she makes funny jokes that her first time having sex was awkward bc she had a vision halfway through that bummed her out but in reality it was just...really more of a transaction that made her feel icky n progressively worse abt herself until it happened more often and now she just doesn’t care anymore. sex is just sex, u know?? everything’s fake. why you gotta make it personal.) this whole fiasco took over the larger part of rue’s career from like, age nineteen to age twenty-two or so, and she suffered dramatically from this because what is even a genuine, authentic relationship at this point? what do u mean you want to get to know me? did ur manager tell you to ask so many damn questions & try to get to know me? obviously you want something from me bc that’s why everyone gets into a relationship or has sex with me, stop confessing feelings for me u fucking loser. >:/
like...rue doesn’t even have friends. outside of her relationship with marcelo / @armsdealing​ (which, AGAIN, i think was initially arranged to promote her song be honest, how fucking IRONIC), rue does not have any personal relationships with anyone. i mean, she likes her latest management team since switching labels...her hair stylist is rly cool & her make up artist is fun to vacation with...she met a few other celebrities at events that she occasionally texts & has dinner with...yeah, she’s basically a pretty hermit. her family is more or less out of the question — the few brothers & sisters she does still have a positive relationship with (like, four of them lol), they don’t see each other in person often / mainly communicate via groupchat and facetime calls when all of them have time. she tried visiting with her mother over the years, but the verbal & emotional abuse/curses placed on her/accusations of being an imp of satan for singing to the public/memories of being forced to perform psychic shows & clean for chump change keeps her from trying to mend that relationship. like, being gaslit by ur mother isn’t really the vibe, u know? and bottom line, rue simply is a very shy and socially stunted individual who does not know how to communicate like a normal human being anymore. hell, her life revolves around pretending for strangers at this point!
now, onto how...all of That ties into her behavior / state of mind during this next album. so, after riding the wave of success from her third album & the circus that came with that. rue sort of had a fucking existential crisis. came out of absolutely nowhere. (not nowhere — one of her brothers called her out of the blue and called her ai’rina and she literally went “who the fuck is that?”) told her label that she was taking some time in between albums bc she was creatively zapped or whatever bullshit excuse she came up with that somehow worked bc this new label was a little more understanding than the last. vacationed for a little, did some hot girl shit, bought a house, tried to see her mother again for whatever reason then got the shit slapped out of her and finally screamed at her to never touch her again unless she wanted to Throw Hands. cried and got drunk abt it. that took six months. bullshat to her label again, dropped like two songs to smooth things over, decided to focus on magic for a little to ground her, started partying with label mates then going home shitfaced & hungover every other morning. that took eight months. dropped one last song, promptly deleted her twitter, tried to write songs again, got a call from her mother and panicked and got drunk. that took a year. vacationed some more, got even drunker, was bed ridden for like three months because holy shit i’m having so many visions and if i see One More Thing my brain is going to explode, couldn’t separate the present from the future for weeks after that, told absolutely no one about that, cried every day & had an identity crisis, dyed her hair to appease the identity crisis goblins. that took a year and a half.
now, she just chilling. dyed her hair again. scaring her siblings halfway to death bc she keeps going on benders & sending cryptic texts abt the visions she’s getting but they’re so incomprehensible that they’re seriously considering moving in to get her fucking shit together. had a vision that she was married with kids and had a two week identity crisis appeased only by moving houses. (she was in a neighborhood with families...too much Drama and visions. turned into a really cool song tho.) started calling herself by her birth name of ai’rina in private. reactivated twitter to send cryptic tweets that her album is coming. working on said album. trying to drink less but kinda failing bc how is one simply supposed to make a highly personal dual album without alcohol??? prbly somewhere crying in marcelo’s lap or smthn. just vibes.
like...i feel like, in my head, the Theme of her project is wrapped up in identity. her relationship with fame and whatnot. trying to coax her childhood self out of its’ shell so that she can function like a normal goddamn person for once and re-establish her values. like, if someone went to any of rue’s residences right now, it’s just songbooks everywhere and wine glasses and her crystals and shit, bc she still has people’s futures to read for money. (yes, she never really got out of that portion of her childhood, but hey it pays.) it was all very confusing to experience at once while in bed at four in the morning & even though i tried organizing and debated on this, it’s still a Lot. which is why i am once again asking for plots that would allow her to dissect all these Things
so yeah. album four otw, with a side of confronting our childhood & facing our traumas!
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silver-wield · 4 years
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The Promise Analysis (Cloti)
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Sorry about that, Nonny, I relate the promise between Tifa and Cloud to some of the stuff that happens during their resolution and went full tin hatter on it.
Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven't played (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it's gonna be a long one so prepare to scroll.
Also, this is one person's interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that's cool and we'll agree to disagree.
You're also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I'm grabbing them from Youtube and it's frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.
Other analyses if anyone's interested.
Shinra HQ vision scene (Cloti/plot analysis) 
Chapter 3 (Cloti reblog) 
Tifa character analysis 
Aerith Resolution (plot analysis/theory) 
Train graveyard (not really an analysis, but I got some sweet screenshots of Cloti) 
Clotiscrew tunnel analysis 
Cloti reunion analysis 
Now, strap in and enjoy the ride.
Recapping for anyone who's forgotten the basics – cause I assume by this point you're ok with spoilers and me pointing that out is kinda dumb lol
So, chapter 4 and it's mission time with the trio – I love these dorks, especially Wedge, he is my child and if he's dead Imma riot. Jessie is off being sneaky and it's up to Cloud and co to play tag with the security team.
As Charlie Biggs (if you got the ref kudos) explains the plan, Cloud looks up at the night sky — which is a whole lot different to the one we fade up to and I personally wonder what it was about that sky that made him recall the promise to Tifa. Was it just the fact he'd been talking to her and it was his first time he'd paid attention to it? Before that he was under the plate and before that he was in the reactor, so I guess it's safe to assume this is his first chance to relate the two things.
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Ok, after the fade in, we're treated to a pretty damn romantic set up. The water tower, the night sky and lil Cloud waiting for Tifa.
In the OG it mentions he waited for so long he started getting really cold, but he stuck it out because he wanted to see her and hoped she'd show. That's an OG lifestream detail not in the first OG promise scene, but let's assume for now it's gonna get a callback in the Remake. That means bby Cloud has been sitting there waiting for Tifa for a while now.
Ok, call her a thirteen year old bitch if you feel good about yourselves here, but she's thirteen and her dad is super overprotective. He stopped Cloud from playing with Tifa after she had an accident at 8 that wasn't Cloud's fault and in fact if he hadn't been there she'd have died on the mountain because nobody would've known where she was. Ok? Ok.
So, he's been waiting, and it's clear he's nervous – he looks so fucking cute I just can't stand it! Nervous fidgeting, balled fist, head down, mouth pulled into a pretty grim line. He thinks she's not coming, but still he's waiting for her.
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Sorry, just to further hit home the above points. That is the face of a boy who is desperately hoping the girl he likes is gonna show, but has half given up hope. There's sadness in his eyes and a tensing along his jaw line. This boy is disappointed and my heart breaks for him.
Going back to that focus in on Cloud's eyes before the flashback and we can see here the massive difference mako makes to the colour. Cloud's eyes are a deep blue, while his mako infused eyes are blue/green. I get why he goes on about them a lot because he's probably not used to seeing them like that yet; maybe he never will be. Tifa's comment was about the look in his eyes – which I touched on in a comment I made while replaying. Tifa isn't focused on the colour, she's dismayed he has such a hard look in his eyes and when you compare the look in this boy's eyes, it's clear to see what she's getting at. This Cloud is the real Cloud and he is soft as fuck and trying to look tough.
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GODDAMNIT!! There's way too many good moments to grab for this analysis! Look at this precious boy! All but folding under the weight of disappointment! But, what's this in the bg? Our heroine, here at last!
If anyone anyone tries to say Cloud didn't have a great stonking crush on Tifa as a kid then please tell me what this means if it isn't he's gutted he's waited and waited and she didn't show.
We don't know why she's late – maybe Remake will clear that up for us – but I'm guessing she couldn't sneak out or maybe, judging by the amount she's dressed up, she was doing the typical girly thing and couldn't decide what to wear, asking herself if this is a date and second guessing why Cloud called her to the water tower – which is known as a romantic meeting place. Whatever the reason, she's thirteen, sheltered – thanks to her dad – and naturally shy. Maybe she worried herself into a state about whether she should go and had to find her courage to meet Cloud. She likes him just as much as he likes her remember. It's canon, don't argue.
Now, her face is this bit is out of focus, but that's nothing to my weirdly myopic eagle eyes – it's a very specific gift. Tifa's smiling. That we can tell even before she's fully in shot. There's a bunching of the cheek muscles that tells us that. She's pleased he's still there. Obviously, she can't read his body language, but she'd probably be a bit upset to realise she upset him. Because she's not actually a bitch like some people like to claim. Sorry, but she's thirteen. How threatened are yall that you gotta call a thirteen year old girl a bitch and try to erase how important she is in Cloud's childhood just to further your own ends? Seriously, get help.
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Sorry for the janky, but this is a transition between focus so it's not gonna be great anyway. Here we can see Cloud's expression when Tifa says heya. Eyes open, wide with surprise. She showed. That's what his face is saying. He's trying hard not to show his emotions too much – I mean he is still Cloud and too cool for all that nonsense – but he's relieved. Maybe his heart even skips a beat, but I'm speculating. Her greeting is casual, reserved. Tifa. She’s being cute even though he’s not looking because she wants him to think she’s cute.
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Tifa, ever respectful and respectable sits the right amount of difference away that both encourages Cloud she's interested in being near him, but doesn't over encourage him and make him think of her in a negative way. She's likely cultivated this on purpose – she's the mayor's daughter so she's always got to be proper – because she's got a lot of male friends and having any of them get the wrong idea would be bad. You'll notice in her other flashbacks where the boys feature that she's not sitting too close to any of them and they're running around her, not touching or anything. They're satellites that revolve around her because she is untouchable to them. Because she's the mayor's daughter and has to be a good girl all the time. This is further evidence that goes towards Tifa's overall personality. She's very careful and respectful to people. She doesn't go out of her way to offend anyone unless she has no choice. Though she's a skilled fighter, she's very slow to anger and tries to look on the bright side as much as she can, despite the tragedy in her life. (I'm gushing, I know, but she's such a great multifaceted character and way more than the tropes people shove on her to make her into nothing).
Where was I?
Right. So, in direct contrast to their later conversation during the chapter 14 resolution, here we see Cloud with his back to Tifa and her with her head tilting, inviting him to confide in her. Yes, there really are that many awesome parallels purposely inserted in this game and that's why you need to take more than one look.
From her face we can conclude she's optimistic. She's smiling and doesn't look like someone who's expecting a bomb to drop any second – Cloud if you only turned around you wouldn't have gone through this shit. Sure, you'd have likely died when Sephiroth came to town, but hey, you'd have gone out with your childhood sweetheart lol
What she's probably expecting is for Cloud – who has purposely invited her to the watertower hot dating spot – to ask her out. And since she's there and dressed up, we could conclude she'd accept him.
Cloud is trying to find the cool words he wants to say that'll motivate Tifa to miss him, maybe even push her into saying, “No, don't go,” because even though he's fourteen, Cloud is no good at talking to women. This is just one of his character traits. It's why we wanna strangle him over the Triangle. Bby Cloud is hardly better than adult Cloud, but at least bby Cloud knows he likes Tifa.
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Bomb dropped. Kaboom. Poor bby Tifa. Look how disappointed and upset she is. She wasn't expecting this one bit! She looked so hopeful in the seconds before Cloud's hesitant declaration, only it wasn't the kind she hoped for. I wouldn't go so far as to say she's crushed, but she's upset, that's for sure. Her brows have come together and she's turned away from Cloud because she doesn't want him to see how she looks in this moment. She's trying to put a brave face on it, but bby Tifa isn't as good as her grown up self. You can see the mouth trying to form a smile, but the eyes have a different expression in them.This is again seen in chapter 14 when Tifa tries to put a brave face on for Cloud before breaking down. 
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Shots fired! Tifa goes for dismissive and succeeds! Never mess with a girl with a crush lol
Cloud was trying to get a reaction out of her, but she got one out of him instead. Brave face wins. Well, what did you expect? She's the mayor's daughter and raised on being proper.
He stutters that he's not like the other boys – so cute – and shows off his lofty dreams. He's trying so hard to impress her. He only has these dreams because of the incident when they were smaller where her father said if Cloud can't take care of Tifa then he has no right being around her. This is what drove Cloud to distance himself from Tifa and her friends. Talk about shoving an inferiority complex and identity disorder on a kid. I get it, the mayor was worried about his daughter, but Cloud didn't deserve the bear the brunt of his anger and blame. Still, the fact that nine year old Cloud took that, held onto it for five years and still decided to pursue Tifa by becoming a SOLDIER has huge meaning for them. He was nine. Ok, for argument's sake let's say he didn't have a crush on her, but they were friends and he was told he wasn't good enough to hang with her. So, thanks to propaganda he gets it in his head that SOLDIERS are the best and if he's one of them he'll be good enough for her father to let him see Tifa again. We're not told at any point – nor shown it – that Tifa is only interested in Cloud if he's this elite who can impress her. Remember, she already likes him. Look at what she's wearing compared to him ffs. This girl – again – dressed for a date with Mr Oblivious. Yes, I'm rolling my eyes. Yes, I want to smack him upside the head. Yes, I know he's 14, I meant adult Cloud.
Back to it. The look on his face here is one of “she thinks I'm like the others? I'll prove I'm not. I'm better than that. I can be next to her if I prove myself.” At this point, he's definitely gone from wanting to be around her in a friendship capacity to borderline romantic. I mean, he did call her out to the watertower. Did I mention that? A few times? Because it's significant. He's frustrated she compared him to her friends – no she didn't friendzone him, she likes him. He thinks she friendzoned him. Kids are frustrating and the adult versions aren't much better.
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Shots fired part two! Points to Cloud this time! Smug lil fucker, I see that smirk!
Okay, so Cloud says he's gonna be like Sephiroth and at this point in time Sephiroth isn't batshit crazy, he's someone to be admired. Tifa to be fair, doesn't sound impressed, but she's humouring Cloud. Then, she says, “Isn't it hard to become a SOLDIER?” And Cloud replies with “Yes, so I won't be back for a long time.”
Okay, now. This is definitely to get a reaction. The smirk on his face is saying that he's partly getting her back for her earlier shot and partly trying to goad a reaction from her because he thinks he didn't get one before – this is why eye contact matters.
Tifa, for her part, doesn't look happy. He's got a reaction out of her, but it'd be really super helpful if he was facing her to see it. Because he isn't, she can get away with a breezy reply that makes him think she doesn't care.
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I'm sorry, can I just say serves you right and leave it at that? Seriously, Cloud, don't mess with girls when you can barely form coherent sentences most of the time. What did he expect? She'd throw herself on him, clinging, crying and begging him not to go? Probably. Once again, our angsty hero is on the backfoot in their conversation. This is why eye contact matters. He's looking a bit gutted at her reaction. He likely hoped for more and got far less than he wanted. It's no wonder he goes to Midgar and doesn't approach her when he comes back as a grunt. He's carrying this presumed disappointment around with him that stops him from seeing her. (I can't really go more into CC events since I haven't played it and I've only seen a few bits and pieces, but what I got from it was Cloud is an idiot.)
Tifa asking if he'll be in the papers is both a brush off towards his baiting and also she's trying to encourage him. This is his dream. He called her out of the house late at night to tell her – just her – that this is what he's gonna do. Of course she won't stop him. She's not that kind of girl. She's supportive and kind. She doesn't understand that Cloud's doing it for her – I honestly don't think it enters her mind at any point until he reveals it OG during the lifestream sequence. She's pretty much as oblivious as he is and assumes they're just really close friends and her attraction is all one sided; same as he does about her.
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Ah ha! Tifa thinks, realising that Cloud's lukewarm effort to be in the papers won't be enough to satisfy her. If Cloud's going to become a SOLDIER, then he'll be a hero – like Sephiroth. What do heroes do? Save people. He said he won't be home for a long time, but there's even less guarantee he'd come back at all, and she wants to see him again, even if it's just once. She can't leave Nibelheim. As the mayor's daughter she's got responsibilities to the people there – even though the town is dying out and nobody new is settling. Eventually, she'll be the only person her age left and maybe never hear from any of her friends again. But, she can't leave. She can't abandon the people. She'll be left, alone and lonely, until everyone’s gone. Her life wasted. But, she could see Cloud again and that makes her optimistic. Maybe she wouldn't mind the time so much if she thought she'd get to see him again. See that at least he's pursuing his dreams and he's happy with the direction his life took. Maybe she'd get one grand romantic gesture in her life if SOLDIER Cloud could save her.
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Confused boi is confused. From Cloud's pov, he doesn't understand this odd request. He hasn't thought about Tifa saying everyone leaving means she's alone. He's only seen this from his pov, so he can't see why Tifa would need saving or how he would even know she needs him. He doesn't realise it's her way of trying to get some guarantee they'll meet again.
I mean, we can see he's trying to understand her. He's actually turned to look at her this time and his expression is searching, like he's looking for clues why she said this. He also invites her to explain by making a verbal cue.
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And now that Cloud has her full attention – you know, the thing he was trying to get all along – he doesn't know what to do with it. He's flustered and awkward, and she's cajoling and turning on the charm, which she likely has in spades because mayor's daughter. I know I say that like it's a personality trait, but in part it is. She's had to learn decorum and everything that goes with it. She needs manners and good behaviour. She has to be just enough of an extrovert that she can attend functions – because even though I know I said the town is dying, they still have a reactor and that means they still get visits from important people. She can't show her dad or town up. In the Resolution analysis I made I said she hasn't been allowed to show emotion for five years since she arrived in Midgar, but it's very likely she's never been allowed to show much emotion. She's gotta be the doll. So, since she can't show she's sad, she goes for positive, and Cloud's frowning because he's not sure how he'll keep this promise she wants so bad and if she isn't interested in him then why is she asking for one anyway? Remember, they just did a do-si-do with each other's feelings acting like they don't like each other.
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But then, oh look! Oh look! In the face of Tifa's unrelenting cheer and optimism, Cloud starts to smile. Eyes soften and the slightest lift at the corner of his mouth. He's starting to like the idea of being her hero. And it's just once and maybe from that one time save things would move forward for them. He's definitely not opposed to the idea – especially since he's the one who brings it up with Tifa later and she's pretty embarrassed at the reminder. The confusion from before could be because he thought she wasn't serious, but looking her dead in the eye – this is why eye contact matters – he sees she's serious. She wants him to be her hero. She wants to see him again and even offers a get out clause by saying “just once.” He doesn't have to do it forever or whenever she wants, just once. So, she can have hope she'll see him again some day.
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And now we're back with the big idiot, who squeezes his eyes shut as he remembers Tifa in the bar earlier saying she feels trapped. Guilt likely pinches. Maybe he wonders if this was a hint she wanted his help – I'm wavering on this because she does say later she didn't expect this kind of thing when she asked for his promise – but if we go by choice of words alone it's leading. Then again, bby Tifa uses the word trapped, so it could just be a word that she feels comfortable using to describe her feelings. How we speak is made up of specific words we go to that feel right when we say them. It's just one of those things and why not everyone speaks the same even when they're from the same region or you have friend groups where you speak one way and other groups where you speak another.
From the dev pov I'm assuming it's meant to be a callback to the promise, but I wouldn't put it on Tifa doing it purposely to encourage Cloud to help her. If that makes sense.
And we close off with Cloud clenching his fist and resolving to help Tifa. To keep his promise.
At no point do we have confirmation from Tifa that the reason she asked Cloud to make a promise was to get a favour off him.
Conclusion
This is actually a very tragic scene from Tifa's pov. I've seen some people say this is because she's a young girl acting like a fairy princess, but I can't marry that idea with the gritty themes FF7 portrayed, and Remake does still hit those notes. Tifa is a young girl who had her romantic hopes dashed and she's looking for some kind of consolation from the boy she likes. He's leaving her. They're all leaving her. She'll be alone. She just wants hope that she'll see him again.
Is it manipulative? Yeah, ok, if that's how you see it. She's thirteen. Did I mention that? I'll say it again. She's thirteen, and one of the last people her age in town. Soon, she's gonna be the only one her age. She's lonely and doesn't want to lose everyone in her life. If you say that's manipulative by asking her crush make a promise so she can have hope she'd see him again, then go off I guess.
And let's touch on hope. Tifa is someone who has a lot of enduring hope – this is why I initially linked the ask to the resolution scene because the theme of hope runs through both. Tifa gets knocked down a lot. She's almost died several times, lost people close to her when they left town, lost Cloud when he left and still found a way to go on. She was never a damsel or trying to be one. She's wearing a cute dress because Cloud asked her out. She thought it was a date. Or she wanted it to be. And since when does wearing a dress make someone a weakling? Or does it only apply to Tifa because convenience?
After Cloud leaves, Tifa begins training every day. She learns from a master and develops her skills until she's at the peak. I mean, you've seen her fight. She kicks all the ass.
She wasn't sitting around like a damsel waiting for an opportunity for Cloud to come and save her. She got on with her life. She was happy at times, sad others. It was normal. She missed Cloud, I know that much from CC. She dressed up – again – hoping he'd be part of the group inspecting the reactor. She was disappointed when he wasn't there.
The promise between them wasn't about furthering a childhood romance or making Tifa someone Cloud couldn't get over. Neither of them was aware the other had feelings. It was awkward mutual oblivious crushing that clearly carried on for another two years until Cloud showed up with Zack, but didn't appear before Tifa because he’s that kind of idiot.
And what happened during the trip? Well, a lot of stuff, but the thing I know about is Sephiroth went batshit cray cray and slaughtered everyone in the town and then burnt it to the ground. He nearly killed Tifa. Cloud was there and that's what we see in his headache flashes about “I let you down again”.
He carries a lot of guilt about not being Tifa's hero, which is why he tries so hard to protect her. He made a promise to her that part of him believes he hasn't kept, but if it wasn't for him, she'd be dead. Again. He did save her. And he keeps on saving her. Not because of the debt of a promise but because he wants to be her hero. The real Cloud that's hidden deep within him, the one that made the original promise, the one that almost died saving her and got stuffed in a mako chamber for years until Zack rescued him, that Cloud wants to be Tifa's hero.
That's why after he recalls this moment – and it's one of the ones where he doesn't have a headache at all (just thought I'd mention that because certain people go on about how a specific scene is all Cloud not headachey Cloud whatever) – that he becomes focused on helping Tifa. He opens up both to her and others – check the camaraderie with the trio after the mission and him offering to walk Wedge home. 
This recollection of a promise is the first step for the real Cloud to finding his way back. That's why it anchors his development and that's why his and Tifa's relationship will never be less than something deep and meaningful.
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yndigot · 3 years
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As for Thomas having never been in a space for gay ppl before, I suppose I can maybe reason around it if we consider that he’s from a small town; then he goes to live in a small village w a job where he’s hardly ever free(and any travelling he does do is also on the job); and he’s working class (and iirc most of those bars etc were geared more towards upper class gay ppl) and you could maybe only find these places if you knew what you were looking for. (Also him never having been to a gay bar in his life and possibly not even knowing they existed might also explain why he was so gosh darn bitter all the time lmao; literally no fun time for him at all)
I dig that people want to talk about this! 
I don’t think Thomas grew up in a small town! Mostly because while RJC changes the way Thomas speaks in different contexts, he does NOT change his own (real life) distinctive Manc accent, so I can’t really headcanon Thomas growing up anywhere but Manchester or very Manchester adjacent. That’s not a small town with no access to city life. (We can talk about why Phyllis doesn’t necessarily sound like she grew up down the street from him. That’s another post. I don’t think Thomas would have gone out of his way to acquire such a distinctive Manc accent, though, so it’s more believable to me that Phyllis has done some work to lose her accent, not that Thomas is faking his.)
If you decide to discount the Manchester of it all, then sure, he can be a small town lad who went to live and work at country houses and has spent most of his life in rural, isolated areas. But I still see problems with that.
I’ll actually believe that he never went to gay bar in Manchester because he’s a first footman in Yorkshire by (probably) his early-ish 20s, which means he probably went into service, possibly some distance from Manchester, at some point in his teens. Since he didn’t arrive at Downton until c. 1910, it’s possible he worked at another house as a hall boy before then. Relatively young. Especially if he was working at another country house, he probably wasn’t going to gay bars on his half day. I’ll also believe that he didn’t know there were gay bars in York because it’s a MUCH smaller city than Manchester, which I think probably makes the gay scene smaller and harder to find, and tbh, if he knew it was there, you’re right -- he wouldn’t have been so miserable. So. He didn’t know about queer spaces where he grew up, and he doesn’t know about them where he lives now. I’m with you so far.
But at least before the war,* he didn’t spend the full year at a country house in rural Yorkshire. He went up to London for the season with the Crawleys. Including one season where he was sneaking around with the Duke. He had all of gay London at his fingertips and never realised it was there? At all? Not even the Duke clued him in? The Duke definitely had access to the higher class places you mentioned. He didn’t even tell Thomas such places existed? Never took him there as a sort of pet? Also, Thomas has clearly been to disreputable clubs before since he knows exactly what sort of scam Dekner is running with Andy. He’s comfortable getting around London and socialising in his (admittedly limited) free time while working for the family. He never found his way to queer spaces?
Grantham House is in St. James’s Square, which is in the West End and VERY close to major queer hubs. He never saw anyone and clocked them? And maybe followed to see where they were going? He never went cruising? No one he hooked up with ever clued in him to places where queer men socialised? I mean, I know I’ve commented in other places about how Thomas is not always good at picking up signals, but I feel like he couldn’t possibly miss ALL of that. (tbh I feel like this is discounting the number of queer men in service generally before the war as well -- when they’re all in the city for the season, he never talks to these other men and none of them clue him in?)
And we’ve got this passage in Matt Houlbook’s Queer London.
The most distinctive venues were in working-class neighborhoods in east and south London -- dockside pubs like the Prospect of Whitby (Wapping Stairs) or Charlie Brown’s--(West India Dock Road). Dock laborers, sailors from across the world, and families mingled freely with flamboyant local queans and slumming gentlemen in a protean milieu where queer men and casual homosexual encounters were an accepted part of everyday life.
Okay, so admittedly, idk that Thomas was dragging himself out to east or south London in the little free time he had in London. And while there were definitely working-class places for queer men, they do seem to be less nightclubs with bands playing and more pubs and coffee shops and cruising venues where men tried to project a very masculine image, and also places where working class pretty boys would congregate and middle class trade would come to pick them up. Maybe he’s just shocked by the open dancing. (This is my generous interpretation of the movie -- that he’s shocked specifically about the fact that it’s a night club and it’s in York, and that ‘I don’t know men like me’ is a statement about his isolation, not about him literally not knowing where he could get laid, if not in York, then certainly in a bigger city.)
Anyway, working class spaces did exist! He seems so shocked not just by the open dancing, but by the idea that a large number of queer men are gathering, and I can’t imagine he’s never realised that queer spaces exist before or that he’s never spent time in them. I just ... have a hard time imagining he’s that sheltered and clueless. There have been chances for him to be exposed to queer spaces, if not ones exactly like the one we see in the movie.
It made for a very sweet moment when he stepped into that club and his face lit up. RJC did an excellent job. I don’t think Julian’s plotting around Thomas’s previous exposure to other queer people makes a lot of sense, though. I fully believe that he doesn’t have queer friends near Downton -- that maybe he’s never really made queer friends that he keeps in touch with (rather than casual encounters that immediately pass out of his life), and so he probably feels very isolated from gay life where he’s living now. I’m sure that contributed to his depression. I tend to think he may have had an extended period of celibacy, possibly since before his crush on Jimmy, which, again, probably contributed to his isolation and depression. I just think pre-war Thomas had to have been exposed to more than the movie suggests.
I’m not discouraging anyone from writing small-town, wide-eyed Thomas if that appeals to you. It’s just 100% not in line with what I felt we got in the 6 series that led up to that movie. To me, it doesn’t feel like it matches the set up from the show. I came out of the movie thinking that Thomas and Richard were very sweet, but wondering how, given what we’d seen of him previously, Thomas had made it to nearly 40, managed to fuck a Duke, comfortably navigated seedy London, possibly(?) knew he was getting cruised at a bar, and still seemed surprised not just that such a place existed in York, but seemingly that such places existed at all. (If he didn’t know he was getting cruised, idk what to do with him, tbh. I do think he realised that Chris was interested in him, though. He was surprised, but he knew what was going on.)
YMMV. I’m not mad about people having very different takes to mine. It just didn’t really work for me. I preferred the more knowing Thomas from earlier on. Does that have to do with the tens of thousands of words I’d written of him being more knowing and worldly about queer spaces before the movie came out? Possibly. That definitely made it harder for me to see him seem so sheltered. If I wasn’t already annoyed with Julian’s approach to Thomas at various points in the series, maybe that also would have made me more willing to buy in.
*I know they went down to London from time to time after the war -- I honestly can’t remember if they were still regularly participating in ‘the season’ after it started to decline as a central part of the social calendar, although I know they did at least do Rose’s season. Maybe they were still doing it every year. Someone’s free to let me know.
(Also this is very quick and messy, sorry.)
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diaryofanormalkid · 5 years
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Yesterday was another CRAZY day with my American Dragon Crush ‼️😳
{okay so to be clear, I’ve been progressing SO much with my American Dragon crush these past couple weeks but I haven’t been able to write it all because 1) It’s a lot!
And 2) I have so little energy to because I’ve been working so much. Like last week I worked a full 7 days in a row, and I’ve never done that EVER. I always have days off inbetween.
So when I finally did get my day off last week Friday, I was running errands and by the time I got home I was too tired to type it all. But sooo much has happened this whole time}
Anyways yesterday was so intense with like progression with him that I just couldn’t wait to share. Even though there’s so much other things that happened, I’m like so conflicted.
So yesterday I had an evening shift and he was working until 8. We had about 4 hours before he was going home, but BOI did he utilize those 4 hours to his advantage.
So when I came, right off the bat we broke the ice which is always better if he expects me to talk to him for majority of the shift. So good on his part I guess.
So I was at his section/station of where he works and as I was walking by, he literally tickled my side 😧 mind you, this is not the first time he’s done this.
It might be the first time I’m documenting it though! If it is, well looool this might be a surprise then. But yeah, so I was kinda not into but I was into it at the same time?
Because I lowkey hate when ppl touch me in general, no matter who it is. So the principle still kinda applies to him. Honestly, I’m not even sure how I felt about it.
I just smiled because he was doing it as a greeting. The whole time though, whenever we were near each other he would ask “what’s up?” Repetitively, as he always does, just to annoy me.
And it kinda worked, I was responding “you know what’s up!” Or just imitating him in his voice and saying it back to him, finding something clever to respond back.
My other coworker joined in on it because at this point many of our coworkers know about our little back-and-forth thing with that, so they eventually have started joining him in making me annoyed.
Sooo THEN my one coworker who was there was on break and I was just passing by to put away some stock and get other stuff, and he was also there, so they felt the need to ask:
“You working tomorrow? What are you gonna do on your day off? You have a date?” And these two ALWAYS like to ponder on my dating life, which I am always so flustered with.
But I’ve gotten used to them by now that it doesn’t fluster me as much as it used to anymore. Regardless, I was still unsure of how to answer, so I just played along and said I do.
And they kept probing and asking, “you have a date? Where are you gonna go?! What time is it?” Things of that nature, and I was like “10!”
So they go, “10am? So early!” And I laughed because i actually meant pm, so they’d leave me alone, but they just assumed it was 10 in the morning.
So after that, he would do or say any little thing to get my attention. Like, “britney, why you so tall? Britney, what’s up?” And at these points I was just shrugging because I was tryna do my job.
Later now, I had to go in the back to wash the salad bar dishes and put them away. So he would pop by every few mins to check in on me and hand me more dishes to wash.
He started asking me what my age was. I was like “we already talked about this, I’m older than you?” And when I wouldn’t answer a specific age, he kept asking and asking.
“How old are you, for real, Britney?” So I just kept saying, “older than you!” Repetitively. But he wouldn’t budge. So then I finally just told him, “I’m 21!” And he’s like “???????” Finally.
Like idk why he acted so shocked, I told him, “we already talked about this. I’m older than you!” And he was like, “this whole time I thought you were in high school, gr. 12”
And I was like naw that’s gotta be a lie/joke because he’s asked me about my major in the past before? Anyways, so I wanted to mess with him so I went to say, “actually, I’m 12.”
So he’s like, “no seriously, you’re 21 though? You were born in 1997?” And I was like, “actually, no, I was born in 2006.” Just to keep up the joke about me being 12.
And he’s like, “no, like forreal, you’re born in 1997?” And finally I was like, “yeah, 1997. I’m older than you by a little over a year. You’re 20, right? Or 19?” Because I wasn’t sure of his birthday.
So he goes, “I’m 20. Turning 21 in December.” And I actually didn’t remember his birthday was that late until now. “Oh yeahhh.” I go. “Your birthday is when?” He asks. I told him it’s in September.
After that refresher of our ages, he would pop in to check on me every once in a while and bother me, etc. And then I finally finished my stuff in the back.
I was getting ready to go on break and my other coworker and him were headed to get some scratch and win lottery tickets at the gift shop across the hall from us.
So my one coworker asked me to scratch one of hers for her. We were unfortunate, and lost. We decided we would buy some more right before I go on break.
I offered to buy it for her with my $1 that I had in my purse since they only cost a loonie, and she accepted. So I went to go get my money and as I was heading there, he was trying to stop me.
I was like pushing him away and trying to go around him but he wouldn’t let me pass. So then he starts to ask me if I can buy him some of his lotto tickets too, but I declined.
He was like, “please. Here I’m handing you the money.” But I still declined just to mess with him. I proceeded to tell him I’m going on break so he needed to me and then he let me pass.
So I went over and bought the ticket, my coworker and I scratched it and we lost yet again. And then I took my break, but majority of the time I spent talking with all my coworkers.
They came over to where I was sitting half the time and we were all roasting each other and messing with each other. It was nice having them all there.
That was one of the first times we all felt that chill and relaxed at work, having a good time on a slow day. I really appreciated that moment because those are rare moments I hardly get.
Anyways, so after my break was gonna be around the same time that him and one of my other coworkers were going home, so they were basically just counting down the time to go home.
And then time came around for them to leave and he kept saying he was tired and he had to drive but he didn’t know if he could because of how tired he was.
But eventually he left and just left me and my one coworker alone. We both were having a fun time by ourselves because it was literally the slowest day ever and nobody was there.
For some reason, we just had so much free time so we talked a LOT about deep stuff and like it got so intense and then somehow my coworker just ended up
coming out to me.
So I asked who else knows and she said no one, but her sister knows and her best friend, but her parents don’t. So I was shocked she told me, and... like overwhelmed a little.
But I hardly acted surprised, even though I was. I literally didn’t pick up on that vibe WHATSOEVER, so I can’t believe how blind I was to that?
I think I reacted pretty calmly, actually. She didn’t make a big deal out of it, so I didn’t either. And like she trusted me enough to tell me, so I think that’s why it wasn’t dramatic.
It doesn’t always have to be. Sometimes it’s a big deal, other times, it’s not. This one was one of those times where it wasn’t, and she said she respected my opinion on how I felt about it.
As a Christian, I mean. As I was explaining to her how I truly felt about LGBTQ prior to that since she was asking me a lot of questions about how I felt.
It was a very intense secret to share with me though, ngl. Like I just feel a lot of pressure in a sense, to not share that with anyone. I’m the kind of person who would never dare anyways.
But still, I can’t believe she trusted me with that info. Anyways, she was telling me how she experienced a break up recently and I felt so bad. In hindsight, I realized when it happened.
Because one of the days at work she showed up in kind of a bad mood and was talking on the phone while on the job and then came back in an even worse mood it seems.
And she’s the type of person where if she’s in a bad mood, to just leave her alone and let her be. She gets over it quickly and will come back to you. But that day, it was pretty bad.
Pretty much lasted majority of the shift. She even had to text me and apologize because she felt bad at how she acted. I could tell something was up and msged her if it’s all good.
She never ended up never responding to that text which meant everything was not all good. And we can see that now with the info she told me.
So yeah, the end of our night was us kinda just talking about that, and my surprise at it all. And her appreciating me being a Christian but still being as accepting as I am of LGBTQ.
In retrospect, I can tell she was trying to feel out how “harsh” of a Christian I am to see if I would be fully accept of her if I were to find out she was LGBTQ.
Which I get. This topic is sort of tricky for me as a Christian because as much as there is progression with the LGBTQ community, there are still Christians that don’t accept them.
And it’s complicated for me. Because I don’t believe I am homophobic. I’m not discriminatory towards them, I don’t go out of my way to be rude or do bad things to them.
And I explained all of this to here as she was asking me, but she still said as an LGBTQ person she respected my answers even if I don’t believe being gay is natural.
Because I still treat everyone all the same and kindly. I don’t do anything rude or disrespectful to LGBTQ. I was even explaining how half the time you can’t even tell, much alike with her‼️
I treat everyone the same, no matter what they identify as. But also, being a christian, as controversial as this might be to a lot of you and as hard as this is to say and not offend:
I don’t believe being LGBTQ is natural or something you are born with. And I’m sorry if that lets anyone down/makes anyone uncomfortable. But I have to speak my truth.
I just don’t. If any of you feel like this will be a problem for you in the future and it makes you uncomfortable, then feel free to unfollow. I’m inclusive towards everyone, but I don’t promote LGBTQ on my blog, if you haven’t noticed.
As in, I’m not necessarily going to partake in the celebration of it. And that’s just me and my truth. I can’t be anybody but myself. On a different note, as a Christian:
You’re also taught to love your neighbour as you would love yourself. And that’s why I said what I said about me not just going to mistreat LGBTQ just for being who they are.
I love everyone. And everyone deserves to be treated with respect and be treated equally. Because then what msg am I spreading as a Christian by being hateful toward LGBTQ?
That’s literally the point of being a Christian. To spread love! Jesus didn’t say spread love only to those who are similar to you, He said to spread love in spite of your differences.
And if I can’t freely spread love to ppl just because of their label, then the msg I’m spreading is actually hate and that would be hypocritical of me as a Christian.
So I’m proud to call myself a Christian that can love anyone and accept anyone with open arms. But I will stand by my thought that I don’t believe being LGBTQ is natural.
And it’s not a matter of anyone trying to convince me otherwise, you can tell me all the stories you’d like, but it won’t change what I know and believe is the truth.
Everyone is allowed to have their opinion and I would hope me expressing that on my online diary isn’t going to get me hate. But the point of me expressing it also is so that I am honest.
And ppl can realize my character, who they’re following. Get insight into what I actually think of certain issues and topics and social activism etc.
Again, truly, I’m sorry if you end up actually reading this far down and you read this and this offends you. But I’m not on here to be fake, this is a diary to express my innermost thoughts.
If I can’t be myself on here, then I can’t be it anywhere. And I can’t please everyone. So please don’t try to come for me just because you don’t agree.
Seriously, you can simply unfollow/block if you have a real problem with my words. I’m not here to bash or offend anyone here, but I’m also not gonna filter/sugarcoat my opinion.
I’m gonna be unapologetically myself and that may not be okay with you so if that’s the case, that is fine. Like I said, feel free to disregard my blog/unfollow/block. I won’t hate you.
I still respect and appreciate everyone of you who are LGBTQ and follow me 100% even if I don’t actually agree with one aspect of your lifestyle. It’s not that big a of deal to me.
But who even DOES agree with all aspects of othe ppl’s lifestyles? No one. I would just like to further express that even if I don’t agree with your opinion on this topic, you still matter.
Like you and your life as an LGBTQ person still matter. Your feelings and your experiences are valid and I’m in no way trying to invalidate what you feel or experience.
Your lifestyle is YOUR lifestyle just like my diary is MY diary. And what you do with your life is your business. I can’t tell you how to live it at all because at the end of the day it’s you and God.
And God is there to judge you for the life you’ve lived, not me. So that’s not for me to be judging you, it’ll be God. Heck, but some of you don’t even believe in God.
That’s okay too! Because you know, God gave us free will. And so, even if you so choose to not believe in Him, He’s still there and He loves you sooo much that he wanted you to have free will.
To be able to choose whether or not you’re going to accept Him into your life and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. Because if you do, it makes it that much more significant.
If God were forcing us to just love Him and accept Him as our saviour without any sayso or free will to choose, there would be no significance or meaning to our actions.
It would mean absolutely nothing that we believe in Him. That’s why free will is such a blessing. Because making that choice to accept God as your Lord and Saviour is the best choice you can ever make.
And I don’t mean that fake deep surface level spiritual relationship with God. I mean a REAL relationship where he’s living on the inside of you and you feel sooo alive and grateful.
Grateful to be alive and to be able to live for Him in the best way possible by bringing more followers to Him. Utilizing your gifts and talents for Him. Serving Him.
When you make that choice, your life changes around for the better. It does a full 180 and all the storms and bad breaks and cloudiness and dark times become happiness, peace joy love.
Once you get a taste of that, you’ll just want more and more. And you’ll do everything to chase after God and build the best relationship you can with Him.
He’d restore you spiritually and fills you whole with the Holy Spirit. And put His anointing and blessing and favour over your life so you can live abundantly.
You will always have a friend to rely on in difficult times. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be difficult times, it means He’ll be with your every step of the way during them.
And help guide you and build your strength and deliver you out of it. So you become a better person coming out of the storm, because your faith in Him built your character.
See, because sometimes God will allow these storms to happen so He can test you. Test your faith to see if you will pass. He wants to feel out how much faith you have in Him.
And as long as you trust and believe in Him, He will always deliver you out and conquer your battles for you. But faith sometimes takes patience. So prayer always help with that.
That’s why it’s important to develop the fruits/virtues of patience, kindness, gratitude, and generosity. Because God desires those characters, because they are like God
So, on that note:
{please be kind to everyone. No matter what label, denomination, race, class status, occupation, etc you have/are. Spread love and not hate. Love and peace to everyone ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜}
And that is my message to you. Now that I’ve gotten that about the LGBTQ community I actually sort of feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. Like I wasn’t able to be my authentic self even on my blog! It’s like a sigh of relief. Even if this ends up getting a lot of hate, or if no one ever see’s it and reads it all, at the very least I’ll still be glad that I spoke my truth in a respectful manner and was able to fully show who I am as a person on my online diary.
I want to end it off here now because that was super long and I didn’t even know I’d be putting all this religious stuff at the end but maybe God had a msg for me.
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qodforsakens · 6 years
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QUESTIONNAIRE 4 SUFFERING
Q:     WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME   ? A:     Ashley.     Relatively  unoriginal,     but  my  mom  wanted  my  middle  name  to  be  Blue     (     in  which  case  i  would  have  DIED     ) Q:     HOW  OLD  ARE  YOU   ? A:     Feel  like  I’m  12  but  I’m  almost  20 Q:     WHEN  IS  YOUR  BIRTHDAY   ? A:     March  21st,     i’mmA  SPRING  BABY
Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  ZODIAC  SIGN   ? A:     Technically  an  Aries  but  ig  i’m  on  the  “   Pisces  Cusp   ”   ?   dk  what  that  means  but  my  mom  told  me  the  other  day  but  i  feel  as  if  i’ve  cheated  astrology  stuff  lols     ?
Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  FAVORITE  COLOR   ? A:     I  don’t  really  have  one,     but  I  like  the  color  pink  a  lot  so  maybe  pink
Q:     WHAT’S  YOUR  LUCKY  NUMBER   ? A:     Lucky  who     ?
Q:     DO  YOU  HAVE  ANY  PETS   ? A:     Three   !   Bailey,     Dana  and  Melvin.
Q:     WHERE  ARE  YOU  FROM   ? A:     Everywhere   ?   Born  in  Missoula,     Montana   /   raised  in  Wisconsin  until  I  was  around  12   /   went  to  school  in  Montana  until  I  was  a  sophomore   /   went  for  a  semester  of  school  during  sophomore  year  in  Wild  Rose,     Wisconsin   /   moved  back  to  a  quaint  Deer  Lodge,     Montana  until  the  end  of  my  junior  year   /   moved  to  Hudson,     Wisconsin  my  senior  year  of  HS  and  lived  there  until  July  31st   /   living  in  the  Shithole  that  is  Mondovi,     Wisconsin.
Q:     HOW  TALL  ARE  YOU   ? A:     5′5 3/4″.     The  3/4″  is  important  to  note  because  I’m  NEARLY  5′6″  and  most  everyone  in  my  family  is  around  6′.     I’m  dead  inside
Q:     WHAT  SHOE  SIZE  ARE  YOU   ? A:     Technically  a  9.5  but  the  size  varies  by  brand.
Q:     HOW  MANY  PAIRS  OF  SHOES  DO  YOU  OWN   ? A:     Probably  nine,     but  I  hardly  wear  any  of  them  because  I  work  at  the  fucking  time
Q:     WHAT  WAS  YOUR  LAST  DREAM  ABOUT   ? A:     I  remember  that  I  had  ANOTHER  dream  with  u  in  it  but  I  didn’t  remember  enough  about  it  that  it  was  worth  sharing   ?   But  I  did  wake  up  feeling  like  all  of  my  problems  were  gone  so  it  was  a  positive  dream
Q:     WHAT  TALENTS  DO  YOU  HAVE   ? A:     I  can  learn  songs  from  musicals  in  no  time.
Q:     ARE  YOU  PSYCHIC  IN  ANY  WAY   ? A:     No,     next  question
Q:     FAVORITE  SONG   ? A:     My  favorite  song  is  either  You  and  I     (     Lady  Gaga,     Born  This  Way     )  or  The  Cure     (     also  Gaga,     current  single     )
Q:     FAVORITE  MOVIE   ? A:     RENT.     Hands  down  my  favorite  movie  of  all  time.     I  could  watch  it  on  a  loop  tbh
Q:     WHO  WOULD  BE  YOUR  IDEAL  PARTNER   ? A:     Someone  who  understood  that  I’m  really  fucking  depressive  all  the  time,     like,     grossly  depressive   ?   I  can  joke  abt  wanting  to  kill  myself  500  times  and  not  mean  it,     but  other  times  I  do  and  I  wish   !   ppl  could  read  minds  bc  having  to  tell  someone  that  I’m  depressed  makes  me  hurt  worse  bc  I  feel  like  a  Disappointment
Q:     DO  YOU  WANT  CHILDREN   ? A:     I’m  not  sure  if  I  do.     I  mean,     at  nineteen   ?   No  fucking  way.     In  ten  years   ?   Maybe,     I’m  thinking  yes,     but  to  be  decided  obviously
Q:     DO  YOU  WANT  A  CHURCH  WEDDING   ? A:     Probably,     but  not  because  I’m  religious
Q:     ARE  YOU  RELIGIOUS   ? A:     I  don’t  follow  any  religion,     but  when  I’m  scared  I  repeat,     “     i  believe  in  God.     ”     until  my  freight  vanishes
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  TO  THE  HOSPITAL   ? A:     A  few  times.     Three  were  the  most  serious.     Broke  my  wrist,     caught  Lymes  Disease  via  nasty-ass  deer  ticks  and  had  a  concussion  from  cheer.
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  GOT  IN  TROUBLE  WITH  THE  LAW   ? A:     Once,     and  it  actually  wasn’t  my  fault.     I  was,     hello,     gay-baited  and  naive,     and  the  gal  that  gay-baited  me  told  me  that  it  was  LEGAL  to  spray  paint.     Because  it  was  Montana,     I  didn’t  get  into  much  trouble  but  was  supposed  to  go  to  a  local  courthouse  to  clear  up  w/e  had  happened  which  never  occurred  bc  not  even  a  month  later  were  we  moving  to  Wisconsin
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  MET  ANY  CELEBRITIES   ? A:     One but  he’s  gross  so  :  /
Q:     BATHS  OR  SHOWERS   ? A:     Showers  but  only  if  I  don’t  have  bath  bombs  to  use
Q:     WHAT  COLOR  SOCKS  ARE  YOU  WEARING   ? A:     Currently  none  bc  I’m  in  bed  and  it’s  4:13  a.m.
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  FAMOUS   ? A:     Thankfully  not
Q:     WOULD  YOU  LIKE  TO  BE  A  BIG  CELEBRITY   ? A:     Maybe  a  Broadway  star  or  jazz  singer  but  other  than  that   ?   Pass
Q:     WHAT  TYPE  OF  MUSIC  DO  YOU  LIKE   ? A:     MOSTLY  SHOW  TUNES,     BUT  GAGA   /   QUEEN   /   DAVID  BOWIE
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  SKINNY  DIPPING   ? A:     Don’t  have  the  gall  to  tbh
Q:     HOW  MANY  PILLOWS  DO  YOU  SLEEP  WITH   ? A:     I  think  six   ?   Too  lazy  to  count  rn
Q:     WHAT  POSITION  DO  YOU  SLEEP  IN   ? A:     I  fall  asleep  laying  on  my  side,     facing  the  wall,     with  my  legs  folded  like   ?   behind  me  but  i  always  wake  up  laying  on  my  back  so
Q:     HOW  BIG  IS  YOUR  HOUSE   ? A:     uh  average   ?
Q:     WHAT  DO  YOU  TYPICALLY  HAVE  FOR  BREAKFAST   ? A:     I  rarely  eat  which  doesn’T  show  but  I  sleep  and  work  too  much  to  fit  breakfast  into  an  every  day  schedule
Q:     HAVE  I  EVER  FIRED  A  GUN   ? A:     My  dad  is  a  white  male  AND  a  conservative  from  Montana,     u  tell  me
Q:     HAVE  YOU  TRIED  ARCHERY   ? A:     In  high  school  bc  I  needed  to  do  it  to  pass  P.E.  but  it  was  not  my  thing
Q:     FAVORITE  CLEAN  WORD   ? A:     idk  if  i  have  one     ?     i  say  Mood  all  the  time  but  that’s  not   a  favorite
Q:     FAVORITE  SWEAR  WORD   ? A:      Bitchin’
Q:     WHAT’S  THE  LONGEST  YOU’VE  GONE  WITHOUT  SLEEP   ? A:     Around  25-ish  hours   ?   I  can’t  handle  that  anymore  tho
Q:     DO  YOU  HAVE  ANY  SCARS   ? A:     I  have  a  handful  of  scars  on  my  forehead  bc  of  an  Incident  in  kindergarten,     a  scar  on  my  left  earlobe  bc  a  dog  almost  ripped  my  fucking  earlobe  off  and  one  on  my  right  big  toe  due  to  my  brother  not  telling  me  abt  the  glass  he  broke  and  didn’t  clean  up   :  )   that  one  cut  to  the  bone  :   )   and  a  few  on  my  left  arm  lols
Q:     Have  you  ever  had  a  secret  admirer   ? A:     Not  attractive  enough  tbh
Q:     ARE  YOU  A  GOOD  LIAR   ? A:     I  don’t  lie  on  per  the  norm  so  no.     I  smile  too  much  tbh
Q:     ARE  YOU  A  GOOD  JUDGE  OF  CHARACTER   ? A:     Usually  not.
Q:     CAN  YOU  DO  ANY  OTHER  ACCENTS  OTHER  THAN  YOUR  OWN   ? A:     I  can  slip  into  accents  for  .00006 seconds  but  no  one  ever  hears  them
Q:     DO  YOU  HAVE  A  STRONG  ACCENT   ? A:      God  I  wish
Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  FAVORITE  ACCENT   ? A:     Boston   /   Mass  accents.
Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  PERSONALITY  TYPE   ? A:     This  requires  me  to  take  a  long-ass  test  n  i’m  not  gna  do  that  rn
Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  MOST  EXPENSIVE  PIECE  OF  CLOTHING   ? A:     Probably  my  $70-$80  jeans  that  are  now  Ruined
Q:     CAN  YOU  CURL  YOUR  TONGUE   ? A:     Mhm
Q:     ARE  YOU  AN  INNIE  OR  AN  OUTIE   ? A:     Innie
Q:     LEFT  OR  RIGHT  HANDED   ? A:     Right
Q:     ARE  YOU  AFRAID  OF  SPIDERS   ? A:     Naturally
Q:     FAVORITE  FOOD   ? A:     Highkey  Gyros
Q:     FAVORITE  FOREIGN  FOOD   ? A:     GYROS
Q:     ARE  YOU  A  CLEAN  OR  MESSY  PERSON   ? A:     Both  :  (
Q:     MOST  USED  PHRASE   ? A:  ��  haHahahA  whatta  mood     !
Q:     MOST  USED  WORD   ? A:     Mood
Q:     HOW  LONG  DOES  IT  TAKE  FOR  YOU  TO  GET  READY   ? A:     Two  hours
Q:     DO  YOU  HAVE  MUCH  OF  AN  EGO   ? A:     Probably  best  known  for  forgetting  things
Q:     DO  YOU  SUCK  OR  BITE  LOLLIPOPS   ? A:     suck  eM
Q:     DO  YOU  TALK  TO  YOURSELF   ? A:     Probably
Q:     DO  YOU  SING  TO  YOURSELF   ? A:     All  the  time
Q:     ARE  YOU  A  GOOD  SINGER   ? A:     I’ve  been  told  that  I  am  by  a  handful  of  ppl  but  who  knows
Q:     BIGGEST  FEAR   ? A:     Drowning,     burning  to  death  or  being  stabbed  in  either  lung  bc  yiKEs
Q:     ARE  YOU  A  GOSSIP   ? A:     Not  necessarily  tbh
Q:     BEST  DRAMATIC  MOVIE  YOU’VE  SEEN   ? A:     Baby  driver  but  it  wasn’t  rlly  dramatic     ?
Q:     DO  YOU  LIKE  LONG  OR  SHORT  HAIR   ? A:     On  me,     it’s  a  tie  tbh.     I  love  long  hair  until  I  have  it  n  then  I  want  it  shoRT  SO
Q:     CAN  YOU  NAME  ALL  50  STATES  OF  AMERICA   ? A:     If  I  have  a  while  to  think  abt  them  then  yes.     If  not,     no
Q:     FAVORITE  SCHOOL  SUBJECT   ? A:     English   /   Language
Q:     EXTROVERT  OR  INTROVERT   ? A:     Intro  x100
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  SCUBA  DIVING   ? A:     No  and  I  don’t  want  to
Q:     WHAT  MAKES  YOU  NERVOUS   ? A:     Being  honest  abt  how  I  feel  regardless  of  context
Q:     ARE  YOU  SCARED  OF  THE  DARK   ? A:     I’m  the  Biggest  baby  so  yes
Q:     DO  YOU  CORRECT  PEOPLE  WHEN  THEY  MAKE  MISTAKES   ? A:     Not  verbally  bc  I  wasn’t  raised  in  the  jungle
Q:     ARE  YOU  TICKLISH   ? A:     EvERYWHERE
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  STARTED  A  RUMOR   ? A:     Gross,     no
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  IN  A  POSITION  OF  AUTHORITY   ? A:     Once  for  a  hs  class  assignment  but  I’m  the  only  one  who  worked  on  the  project  in  the  long-run
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  DRANK  UNDERAGE   ? A:     mhm
Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  DONE  DRUGS   ? A:     Only  smoked  weed  tbh
Q:     WHO  WAS  YOUR  FIRST  REAL  CRUSH   ? A:     My  kindergarten  boyfriend,     how  the  turntables
Q:     HOW  MANY  PIERCINGS  DO  YOU  HAVE   ? A:     Eleven
Q:     CAN  YOU  ROLL  YOUR  Rs   ? A:     Barely   !
Q:     HOW  FAST  CAN  YOU  TYPE   ? A:     Pretty  fast,     idk  the  wpm  tho
Q:     HOW  FAST  CAN  YOU  RUN   ? A:     What  is  this,     middle  school   ?
Q:     WHAT  COLOR  IS  YOUR  HAIR   ? A:     Bleached  bitch
Q:     WHAT  COLOR  ARE  YOUR  EYES   ? A:     Brown
Q:     WHAT  ARE  YOU  ALLERGIC  TO   ? A:     Cats,     unfortunately
Q:     DO  YOU  KEEP  A  JOURNAL   ? A:     I  don’t  but  should
Q:     WHAT  DO  YOUR  PARENTS  DO   ? A:     My  dad  is  a  licensed  Electrician  and  my  mom  works  at  a  grocery  store
Q:     DO  YOU  LIKE  YOUR  AGE   ? A:     I  feel  12  yall
Q:     WHAT  MAKES  YOU  ANGRY   ? A:     Being  mocked  or  people  bickering  with  me  over  something  that  I’m  obviously  right  about
Q:     DO  YOU  LIKE  YOUR  OWN  NAME   ? A:     Skye  is  a  shit  name  tbh,     would  change  it  to  Liz  if  my  parents  wouldn’t  freak  out  about  it.
Q:     HAVE  YOU  ALREADY  THOUGHT  OF  BABY  NAMES,    AND  IF  SO  WHAT  ARE  THEY   ? A:     I  love  feminine   /   strong   /   unisex   names.
Q:     DO  YOU  WANT  A  BOY  OR  GIRL  FOR  A  CHILD   ? A:     Idk  probably  either
Q:     WHAT  ARE  YOUR  STRENGTHS   ? A:     Doubting  everyone
Q:     WHAT  ARE  YOUR  WEAKNESSES   ? A:     Assuming  the  worst  of  ppl
Q:     HOW  DID  YOU  GET  YOUR  NAME   ? A:     Well,     my  mom  wrote  a  list  of  names  on  a  sheet  of  paper  and  my  dad  liked  Skye  so  here  we  are.     I  was  almost  a  Chloe   /   Mercedes   /   Samantha.
Q:     WERE  YOUR  ANCESTORS  ROYALTY   ? A:     Obviously  not
Q:     COLOR  OF  YOUR  BEDSPREAD   ? A:     Black  ONLY  because  my  main  sheets  had  been  washed  recently  and  I  haven’t  changed  back
Q:     COLOR  OF  YOUR  ROOM   ? A:     Yellow  but  not  by  choice
And  the  meme  is  from  HERE.     Tagging  @heartcraves  but  u  genuinely  don’t  have  to  do  this  bc  it  took  me  almost  two  hours  so  please  spare  yourself
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dclas · 7 years
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let’s do this again shalla we??? this is dallas my complete dweeb nd is just so awkward god im excited to get into her she’s brand new yall inspirRED me. like this if i can message you for plots.  
ok so she’s inspired a lot of amy santiago bc uh that’s just whom i happen 2 b fictionally in love with while i’m making this , not bg wise tho 
she grew up on a vegetable farm!!!!! a little corn shucker!!! her parents are both very liberal and almost like... hippies i wanna say ( so like idk where she got her personality from but like...... wrow) well her mom was tbh her dad decided to join the military l8tr in life i’d hardly call that a hippie
n e ways they were always very carefree like almost too carefree.... she could’ve drank 5 bottles of tequila at 10 yrs old nd almost died nd they’d have been like “all part of growing up we’re proud of u!!!!”
she was kinda sheltered at the same time tho.... like home schooled wt a couple other kids from her road nd never rly went out of her county other than for shopping stuff 
it gave her this feAR of like the outside world not rly fear but like tbh she’s very intimidated by it all even tho at the same time she loves it bc like it’s a big crowd no one knows u no one knows ur loony mum even tho that’s also why she hates it
she’s kinda like a modern day fake hippie like she’s all abt peace and love nd does yoga to balance her shakras but that like.... makes her feel like her life is nice n balanced she’s been like that since bein a baby 
when she was 14 she got diagnosed wt lukemia ST SHE NEVER TALKS ABT EVER nd it was like rly weird nd bad for her not bc of the actual cancer but like her parents reacted so weird like they got kinda distant nd did not handle it well at all nd were like emotionally absent nd it made them fight all the time and yeah vry sad /: bc she could sense they were sad nd rly blamed herself /:
she got 2 remission eventually  but in the hospital she made a rly goo d friend who didn’t make it nd it was hr first real experience with death nd he was the same age as her nd it rly just shook her up nd definitely didnt help wt her anxiety like she def doesnt live life fully n e more
@ 16 after they were sure she was in remission her dad joined the military after leaving or however the american version works nd they had 2 move , nd then move again nd dallas kinda rly developed a taste for that like she likes the idea of being new and fresh w/o ppl looking at her 
her mom didn’t take it well nd she became distant like permanently nd kinda checked out on dallas nd she would apologize after disappearing 4 days nd it’d be ok n then she would go do it again nd have no money nd be in rough shape acting like a total scrub asking HER for money nd yeaaaaa
it was just really disappointing to her ////: nd it rly shook dallas up bc like she was older then not like when her mom got distant when she was a kid and got mad at her nd there ws a big giant fight b4 dallas left for college nd her nd her mom didn’t speak for a long time 
n e ways dallas came for computer nerd stuff bc that kid she met in the hospital got her into it nd she’s loved it every since like trynna be mr.robot over here for real even tho like,,,, she rly wants to be a game developer like she’s so fckn nerdy about that 
she’s so like,,,,, structured nd type a partially bc she had no structure like any of her life hfjdkghjthrgj so she hates feeling lost or out of control nd she just rly needs.... a break.... she needs 2 have fun and not care for once
she’s so competitive too /: it’s like she feels like she has something to prove like bc she doesn’t want 2 end up like her mom she’s so proud it’s literally so annoying /:::: 
she’s so scared of like,,, everything i mean i wouldnt say like scared but she used 2 be so sheltered that it’s like..... nerve racking she’s a v flighty and anxious person but like on the inside most of the time ghfjkhgjkfh
this girl is so kind like........ she doesn’t have a selfish bone in her body she’s nice just bc it’s the right thing 2 do nd like if ur mean.... she might cry but she won’t even be mean to u i don’t think she knows how 2 be 
it’s kinda hard to tell sometimes tho like her personality is kinda like the resting bitch face thing bc she’s so awkward nd quiet tht ppl probs think like “wow she’s rly stuck up ,, thinks she’s better than everyone else” but they’re all bein fooled 
she’s like,,,, a gaming goddess like legit ppl know abt her she’s a staple in the community 
she found out like a few months ago the lukemia relapsed nd she’s like /: kind of detached from the fact that like... wrow that’s bad nd it’s like bad timing too bc her is coming back into her life atm nd she doesn’t want her 2 find out abt it and get weird again nd like,,,, she doesn’t rly wanna tell anybody ya /: 
her mom is already letting her down tho /: she doesn’t want to see it but /: she’s still up 2 the same tricks  /: 
dallas is already becoming like,,, successful :))) so proud of my baby she’s already put some apps out nd worked under some p big deals so like :))) im so proud of her 
she’S SO NERDY oh my god even her humor is like lame.... but like in the hip dad joke lame way it’s actually rly cute
is a sensitive baby 
eyah she’s adorable im v excited for her she just needs 2 loosen up ... a lot ... she needs 2 be cared abt
plots mayb???
anything here
bff someone tht she’s comfortable with nd actually 100% herself around it’d be so cute i love friendships i love brotps she probs make s them a lot of food and sends them the freshest memes nd like... beautiful 
unexpected friends like not 2 be stereotypical but someone legit cold nd who doesn’t give a heck abt anything nd is kinda not the nicest like wrow,,,, i love opposites 
hmmmm give me someone who she can crush on .... she a big lesbean .... she’s so awkward 2 ,,, wow
calling other nerds?????? who else is she gon gush too 
ex gfs 
someone who has a lil crush on her wuld be fun too bc she’s so oblivious she’d never notice nt even if they said anything 2 her
jake to her amy like not the romantic way but the shit head odd friendship kinda way ykkkkkkkkkkkkk 
definitely someone who tries to gt her to be wild and drags her 2 random things
older brother/sister protective kinda thing bc she def needs that person in her life for her sanity 
ok elt’s plotttttt
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cinnaghoul · 7 years
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Denver Ritual Storytime 07/08/2017
Before long a bunch of ppl show up and we’re practically first in line. We sit around for a while waiting to be let in and FINALLY THEY LET US IN and we all walk up to the barricade… YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, THE BARRICADE BITCHES. Like. It wasn’t even hard!!??? I ended up literally center-right and we are SOOO close to the stage I could almost touch it?? So I stand there in shock, contemplating my life and how the fuck I was front row at a motherfuckin GHOST RITUAL esp now that they’re so famous like how?? I NEVER dreamed I’d get this opportunity but there I was. Not only was I gonna get to see the new baby ghouls but I’d get to see them THREE FEET FROM MY FUCKIN FACE. (btw yes there will be a vlog and some concert footage later so look out for that!)
So yeah I’m fuckin stoked, Khemmis comes on and kills it, then they start setting up for Ghost and I’m realizing we are RIGHT where Fire/Lit Ghoul is gonna play and like, I don’t play favorites but I do make and look at a LOT of Fire/Water gifs sooo… yeah. AND OMG YOU GUYS. Our boys start coming on stage and we are flipping SHIT. Square Hammer is seriously my fav opener EVER. And sure enough. LIT GHOUL RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. 🔥He looks so big. I feel like a god is standing before me. 🙏🏻They are all KILLING it and I am singing and cheering and I just can’t stop staring at Fire cuz he’s so fReAkInG close and has these INTENSE. BLUE. EYES. And he kept making long eye contact but I didn’t think he was actually looking at me you know? But… then… he started to PLAY with us. Pointing, interacting, reacting to our hand gestures. AND THE EYE CONTACT CONTINUED. I actually had to look AWAY a couple times because it was sooo long and intense and I was like duuuude why are you staring INTO MY SOUL!?? So I’m having the time of my life, this badass ghoul is playing with the audience and keeps giving us attention and it is so fun and personal and of course SpecialD has got a man crush by this point and is sneakily recording snippets. I can’t even count how many times Fire pointed at me to scream or sing and then nodded in approval when I did and I srsly sang and screamed my heart out because I wanted them to see how much fun I was having and that they were doing an awesome job. Like ALL OF THEM. Air was thrashing and dancing (no longer chair Air, that’s fo sho), Water and Aether were running and hopping and they all were playing with each other IT WAS JUST SO GOOD. Papa looked huuuuge on stage as well. I got to partake in unholy communion, got to hear my fav songs live, but when Mummy Dust came on they didn’t shoot confetti or papa dollas! At least Papa didn’t fall off stage again tho thank g o d ~lol.
I was really hoping I’d be able to catch one of Fire’s picks but he just wasn’t throwing any (and we were prolly too close anyways) but then towards the end of the show he walked off to the side and came back over to us and I swear. this motherfuckin fiery ass nameless ghoul reaches out, LEANS FORWARD as FAR as he fuckin can and DROPS A GUITAR PICK RIGHT INTO MY HANDS and does the SAME for specialD 🔥💥♥️ Humbled, grateful, we enjoy the rest of the show and then WATER/DEWDROP ghoul comes over to our side of the stage, rocks out, and then tosses a pick to us too!???? It slipped out of our grip and fell off somewhere but it was still sooo sweet I can’t even 💧💕 like that all was truly the best experience ever.
After the show ends and people started dispersing I remember walking slowly away from the stage, in awe, thinking nothing could ever top this day. But then I turn to specialD, feeling like it was too soon to just… leave, and suggested we go check out the tour bus just to see if any of the band members came out. I’ve never done that before but I’ve read a lot of adooorable stories you guys have posted on here and figured it couldn’t hurt to try. So we grabbed another friend and walked around the building (after seeing two cute nameless ghoul cosplayers!) and found a crowd of people by the big black tour buses. We kinda stood back because we hadn’t planned on getting anything signed and didn’t have a pen. I figured I’d just watch and see if anybody came out and thought getting a glance at the band members could be fun.
After a while two of them came out and since I have nooo idea who the new baby ghouls are I didn’t know who was who. But daaaamn were they cute. One of them in particular. SUPER young looking, dark hair, ripped af. I asked our friend who they were and found out it was Aether and–you guessed it–FIRE. I had noooo idea our Lit ghoul was daddy AF. So that was a surprise. Everybody lined up in rows against the ropes and we stayed back towards the road, watching curiously, and after a bit the band members started to leave. Fire tho. This bitch walks around the crowd, over to the side of the road WHERE WE WERE STANDING… and after greeting a couple other ppl, approaches me and specialD and says, in his stupidly sexy (British!?) accent: “These two beasts!” immediately gives us hugs and starts talking to us! I tried so hard to ignore his Adonis bod and actually LISTEN to what he was saying. He was all “you two were in front of me and you had such good energy! It was pumping ME up!”–then asked if we had the picks because he wanted to make sure we got them! (died). I tried to tell him he put on an amazing show and we had fun but I think I just stuttered uncontrollably. But hey at least I didn’t blurt out anything stupid like “I MAKE GAY GIFS OF YOU AND WATER” 🌈🔥💧Then SpecialD exclaims “You were the best part of the show!” to which our dear ghoul replies “That’s what I like to hear!” again, in that goddamn accent of his. (btw if anyone can tell me who this beefcake of a man is DM me I’m so curious!) He then offered to sign something, pulled out a pen when we said we didn’t have one, and we handed over our picks because that is truly the ONLY way they could have become more precious to us. I remember he carefully looked at both sides of the pick to make sure he drew the △ right side up and then hugged us AGAIN. After that he pranced off across the street with his gorgeous, sturdy man thighs. My night had already been MADE but then ALL OF THIS!?? Like I don’t even?? It was like being noticed by sempai. I felt so honored that he took the time to genuinely connect with us during and after the show like WHO EVEN ARE YOU??? why are you so warm and sweet and genuine af?? Goddamn pure as fuck ghoul is what he is. New fav, bros. New fav. 🔥💕
Afterwards we met Papa and his daughter came out and cuddled up to him while he was talking to fans (cries) and it was just sooo precious seeing him being a human being with family around him and it made me really happy to see.
But yeah. I’m done gushing like a lil bitch. That, my friends, was my Ritual experience. I don’t think anything could ever top this night tbh and I can die happy now. Back to our regularly scheduled programming! Keep an eye out for some new gifs~🖤
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chocosvt · 7 years
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❝ 92 statements tag ❞
i was tagged by jeonghan’s amazing gf @jeonghney for the 92 statement’s tag. thnk u my gold rose petal.
rules: answer these 92 statements and tag 10 people ! if there are questions that are too personal or you don’t want to answer, skip them or make a new one :^)
THE LAST (1-5):
drink: h2o
phone call: oh gosh, i can hardly remember. pizza pizza? who doesn’t deliver so thnks for soiling my day.
text: to a group chat.
song you listened to: exo - touch it bc i appreciate art.
time you cried: lmao like yesterday bc i was watching an emotional ep of hotel hell.
HAVE YOU (6-11):
dated someone twice: nope.
kissed someone and regretted it: i dont think so?
been cheated on: in uno yes.
lost someone special: yep.
been depressed: depression is received at many levels. extremely sad yes, but not depressed.
gotten drunk and thrown up: im the one holding ur hair back.
LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS (12-14):
pink!!
light purple!!
silver!!
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU (15-21):
made new friends: lots irl n online!!
fallen out of love: yes.
laughed until you cried: yes everyday bc i gave myself a laugh n a half.
found out someone was talking about you: nope.
met someone who changed you: i havent met them!!
found out who your friends are: ive been with the same squad for 4 yrs n we’re just chillin.
kissed someone on your facebook list: i have never used fb a day in my life.
GENERAL (22-34):
how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: ^
do you have any pets: im living with 2 kitties right now!! but ive owned many different animals in the past.
do you want to change your name: she can stay as she is.
what did you do for your last birthday: my friends nd i booked a hotel room!!
what time did you wake up: 11:30am lol.
what were you doing at midnight last night: eating cereal!! every time i stay up past midnight i will eat cereal 2 celebrate all the hours of sleep im wasting.
name something you can’t wait for: to hang out with my bff’s we have not seen each other all summer.
when was the last time you saw your mom: yesterday bc she broke into my room for m&m’s.
what’s one thing you wish you could change in your life: hmm, idk. i’d like 2 be taller bc i cannot reach the popcorn shelf!!! :(
what are you listening to right now: a lot of dua lipa!!
have you ever talked to a person named tom: yup.
most visited website: tumblr / instagram / youtube / twitter
LOST QUESTIONS (35-64):
moles: a few on my arms n a trail tht’s up my shoulder. tht’s abt it
marks: i have a mark on the side of my head but my hair covers it. n one on my knee from when i fuckinj fell down a bridge.
hair color: blonde.
long hair or short: medium length is more fitting.
do you have a crush on someone: i would rather crush on a thumbtack than half the b*ys in my division. there are some nice girls tho!!
what do you like about yourself: some days there are many things!! other days there’s like 2 things. so im not sure!! im just trying my best i guess!!
piercings: two lobe piercings on both ears n im set for an industrial.
blood type: i would know the scientific notation of the distance between earth and sirius b before i knew this.
nickname: i h8 when ppl make nicknames outta my real name so i dont have any.
relationship status: sasuke and i are going on a trip to berlin next fall.
zodiac: aquarius.
pronouns: she/her
favorite tv show: the office / teen wolf / house / american horror story / atlab
tattoos: nope.
right or left hand: right.
surgery: no surgeries.
hair dyed in a different color: ive been a blonde bitch my whole life.
sport: basketball / sleep.
vacation: i just got back from a vacay n it was gr8 i got 10/10 sky pics!!<3
pair of trainers: im rlly obsessed with shoes but ive been wearing the same vans for 5 yrs. (my feet never grow!!)
MORE GENERAL (57-73):
eating: i like eating watermelon, twix bars n marinated ribs!! just fuck me up.
drinking: iced tea n orange juice are my faves.
i’m about to: it’s just past lunch which means it’s time to eat breakfast.
waiting for: some mf’ motivation 2 punch me in the face so i can write some more today!!
want: i rlly want a specialized rice krispie spoon ive been trying for a year!!!! :((
get married: i just dont think ill ever like someone enough 2 wanna live in the same house as them for tht long.
career: an english or bilingual teacher. i wouldnt mind teaching chemistry either.
WHICH IS BETTER (65-73):
hugs or kisses: i rlly dislike physical contact so i would pick neither, but hugs!!
lips or eyes: eyes!!
shorter or taller: it does not matter.
older or younger: older, but i wouldnt mind if they were a few months younger.
nice arms or nice stomach: i have this weird attraction to forearms so. also next time u look at  a junhui pic look at his wrists he has such nice wrists!!! what cream is he using??!?
sensitive or loud: this is so complicated. i rlly dont like loud ppl just bc im easily overwhelmed n agitated with their… over-boisterousness?? nd i will always protec the sensitive ppl n respect their tolerance levels. we just dont mesh well bc ill always worry abt hurting their feelings. u just gotta get someone who knows ur vibe. idk what im saying. i guess loud.
hook up or relationship: relationship.
troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker lol.
HAVE YOU EVER (74-83):
kissed a stranger: nope.
drank hard liquor: just picture tht vine of the kid goin “yo, all this vodka down the hatch” then being completely revolted. tht’s me
lost glasses/contact lenses: every day of my life.
turned someone down: yes.
sex in the first date: nope.
broken someone’s heart: yes.
had your heart broken: i rlly try not 2 wallow in those emotions n instead distract myself so not entirely.
been arrested: no but someone called the cops on me n my friend. (it was just a misunderstanding. i swear i wasnt doin a line of cocaine in an alley way or anything like tht tjgnjt4e)
fallen for a friend: yes!!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN (84-89):
yourself: *insert meme of me watching my own back*
miracles: it would be a miracle if junhui grew out his hair. but also chunks ahoy chocolate chip cookies.
love at first sight: not rlly. it’s usually falling for the idea of being with that person, instead of who they actually are as a person.
santa claus: im still waiting for my easy bake oven u jolly piece of shit.
kiss on the first date: maybe a cheek kiss? idk. a little spice is always nice.
angels: yes. who else is up there bowling?
OTHER (90-92):
favorite thing to do when you’re bored: zone off and completely disassociate.
do you wear socks to sleep: ive done it like 3 times. it’s not tht bad.
favorite movies: FLIPPED. captain phillips / my neighbour totoro / napoleon dynamite.
tagging : oh gosh idk (ofc this is optional!!) @jeonghangif / @sukaato / @meanei / @lolitasletters / @jaehyunsleatherpants / @boysbe / @seokshuas / @trbld-writer
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thehalfworld · 7 years
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Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 3]
I have to warn you all that this chapter has a rape scene in it. It’s completely ridiculous, and I really don’t know if that makes it better or worse. Proceed with caution.
Recap: Edward gave into tempation and tried putting the moves on Tiaa. She went along with it at first, but then pushed him away because they were in public and Edward already has a girlfriend. Edward seems to think Tiaa is a vampire, even though she doesn’t appear to be and his thinking she is doesn’t really make sense. 
Chapter 1 Previous chapter
AN - hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it! 
That’s a bit worrying.
thanx for the suport from my frends love u girls!glad u like it! oh an VINCENT ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz! 
Hey, you never said she put her shirt back on! Actually, you also described Edward ripping it off her, and we know it’s made out of fishnet, so… I kinda doubt she still has a shirt left to put back on.
one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT!
I can’t imagine not liking this story. I’m being serious. It’s a masterwork. It’s right up there with “My Immortal” in my eyes.
NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off!
I think the point is to annoy the author. Which appears to be working.
Capter 3 – uncle larry
Wow! Really looking forward to the capter!
I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me! 
Just me or is she a tad fixated on his hair?
Also… Tiaa isn’t the sort of girl who blends in, and she knows it. She’s aware that she’s pretty and she’s used to getting attention — both positive and negative — because of her looks. She’s also loud (she yelled at Edward when he bumped into her), and she dresses in a manner that… well, let’s just say most small-town high school students don’t dress like Tiaa. This girl isn’t ordinary and she’s well aware of it. Why the false modesty?
But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off, and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF anyways, even if she was a mean girl with an ugly heart and not that hawt. 
Not only has she not met Bella yet, she hasn’t heard anyone talk about Bella either, so I don’t know how she came to the “she’s a mean girl with an ugly heart” conclusion.
But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range
"hello "
"hey, is that altantiana?"
"yah who is this?" I aksed.
"its Mike nooton from your class! 
She hasn’t met Mike yet either, unless that happened in the deleted scenes or something. I guess, if he called her house phone, that he could have got Dave and Marie’s number out of the school directory… but this seems a little weird if they’ve literally never met.
I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? 
To clarify, he is talking about a beach. He means La Push. Stuffed animals are probably not involved.
Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -
I can maybe buy that a high school boy is desperate enough to ask a random pretty girl to a party with him in the hopes that maybe it’ll kindle some sort of romance, but this is a really bad way to go about it. Asking out a girl you’ve never met is… not the best plan. Why not just frame it as inviting her along because she’s a new student and it would be a good opportunity for her to hang out and make friends? You don’t have to be explicit about your crush before you’ve even had a conversation with her.
Also I think Mike is already dating Bella’s friend Jessica, but fuck her, I guess.
"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked
"you mean bella and jessica's gang? 
I’m gonna wait a bit to talk about how weird it is that Bella is hanging with a “gang” of cheerleaders, but like… why does Tiaa know Mike hangs out with them? Again, this is their first conversation, and (as far as we know) the first time she’s even heard of him.
Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. 
He’s maybe undermining his own point there.
And they can be mean sometimes.-"
So… like anyone, then?
"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike! Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! 
Oh, Tiaa, you and I were on the same page until you pulled the fake modesty card. Besides, isn’t this a bit of an overreaction? He asked you to hang out with him at the beach, it’s not like he’s proposing marriage or anything.
And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was!"
What exactly does she mean by “screwed up in the brain bran”? Like, are we talking legitimate mental illness, or is this just teenage angsting? And, in either case, what exactly is her problem that makes her undateable? This is about the vaguest possible rejection, and I don’t know if she’s implying something is actually wrong with her or that she’s just Not Like Other Girls.
"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around and forget there names and forget to brethe! 
That’s your only reason? She’s pretty? Weren’t you saying something about cheerleaders being shallow a minute or two ago?
How can't you have noticed that? 
Decent point, actually. If your character is dropping jaws and turning heads with her beauty, either she’s aware she’s beautiful or there’s a reason she doesn’t realize. Like… maybe Tiaa thinks the people staring at her are doing so because of how she dresses, not because they think she’s pretty. Tiaa has actually seemed pretty aware of her effect on others throughout, though, so unless she’s just playing modest around Mike for some reason this scene doesn’t make any sense.
And I don't CARE how screwed up you are! It only maked you more interesting! 
He’s not even gonna ask for clarification on that?
Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "
The argument he’s making would probably be way more convincing if this wasn’t, you know, their first conversation ever.
"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was.
Oh, come on.
"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen. 
Yeah, I guess when compared to the weird dude who tried to fuck you in a locker room and threw a shirt at your head Mike really isn’t worth a second thought.
Even though I was anger with edward than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore, a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. 
My mistake, they were in a hallway, not a locker room. Not sure if that’s better or worse, but, depending on how busy that hallway normally is, it’s probably worse.
I creamed myself. 
Didn’t need to know that.
My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore. 
I mean… she didn’t, really. She went along with his advances up to a point, and it doesn’t really show good judgement on her part, but he was the one acting like a “hore” in this situation. Putting the moves on a random girl in a public space when you’ve already got a girlfriend? Keep it classy, dude.
I was scared of the affect he had on me.
Effect. “Affect” is a verb. Nice sentence otherwise.
(Okay, if you’re a grammar pedant, “affect” isn’t always a verb… it can also be a noun, when we’re talking in a psychology context, which Tiaa isn’t.)
"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly
"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.
Convenient. Two less characters for the author to have to deal with.
Wait, no, oh my god, I just remembered what happens in this chapter.
"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!”
I… okay, that’s some natural dialogue.
"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. 
Come on, girl, it’s just a compliment! Not like she’s hitting on you! At least I hope not.
I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking.
I kind of like that Tiaa is a goth girl who likes bright pink. There are plenty of real-life goth girls like that, but you pretty much never see them in fanfiction.
"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!"
You know “leaven” is what you do to bread to make it rise, right?
"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself!
Freudian slip? I mean, she is pretty embarrassing.
Marie smiles and leaves the house.
Marie doesn’t give a fuck, it seems.
"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face
You know he’s a bad guy because he’s ugly. That’s how it works!
"Hey - i said
"your the orphan arent you" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?”
Nice to meet you too, Uncle Larry.
"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears
"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly
I’ve just thought of a fun game. There are five more chapters left. Let’s all place bets on which chapter Uncle Larry will get horribly murdered in.
I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche. He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me! 
I know the implication is he’s watching her in a pervy way, but if I was making someone wash my car and I didn’t particularly like them I’d keep an eye on them too.
After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face
"wft!" i shouted
What Fuck The?
He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes. He touched my naked breats and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour then he pulled my panties down and started to rape me!
I really don’t want to be laughing at a rape scene, because rape is one of those things that’s just inherently unfunny, but… this is testing me. I mean, an entire half hour of spanking? The dramatic announcement that he began raping her after he forcibly stripped her naked and spanked her for thirty minutes, as if this is a surprise? The fact that all of this is happening in plain view of any neighbors Dave and Marie might have? Good lord. I truly do not know how to react.
I also have to wonder why Tiaa makes little attempt to fight back here. It’s pretty reasonable to freeze up when you’re violently attacked, but Tiaa has proven that she’s both capable and willing to fight off anyone she perceives as a threat (kung fu babie!) previously in the story. Is Uncle Larry too physically powerful for her to win against? We don’t really know how big he is compared to her, and Tiaa has been described as strong and fast previously. Both of them are unarmed, and, if there are neighbors, the noise should alert someone to what’s going on (Tiaa has been shouting/screaming throughout). Why is he getting away with all this? Oh, right, plot reasons.
"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop! 
Shocker.
The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small. 
Didn’t need to know about his dick, thanks!
I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there. 
Wait… hours? This guy has impressive stamina.
I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed.
“Seething darkness of the midnight street” is a pretty good phrase, actually. I mean, super cheesy and doesn’t really mean anything, but if this was lyrics some alt-rock band wrote I’d accept it.
Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. 
It was… VLODEMONT AND DA DETH DEALERS!
I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,.
It was… VOLSEMORT IN A WIG AND DA DEATH DEELRS!
"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?-
Well, we all saw that one coming a mile off.
"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark.
I hope she whispered the acronym instead of saying “oh my god.” Her dad will be totally confused! Old people don’t know how acronyms work!
Next chapter
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meulinthekittytroll · 7 years
Text
Rant af I'm sorry
Yunno I don’t know what my dads problem is with my boyfriend. He doesn’t like him, at all. And I honestly have no idea why. Maybe it’s because this is the only relationship he’s seen me in? I’m not sure But if my dad could have seen all my past relationships he’d understand why B is probably the only one I could ever want to be with. There were some major people who impacted my life in negative ways and I’m still recovering from them. I will point out the major ones First there was David. He tried to kill me once, and manipulated me and made my self esteem plummet. (Grade 3-7) Yes, I know, 3rd through 7th grade and he tried to KILL you? Are you over exaggerating? No I’m not lol. Then there was Devin. He was the first boy to cheat on me. Which made my self esteem plummet even further. He also was the first boy to treat me… like I wasn’t a person I guess?? I don’t know how to describe that one but it made me feel very inferior. (Grade 6) young I know but shoosh this shit can happen at any age if you let it happen. Then there was Max. We never actually dated, but he is still very important because oh boy I crushed on this boy HARD from 8th to 10th grade. He and I had a thing going on in 8th grade but never quite did anything about it which only made me like him more. Then 9th grade came along and we only got closer but still didn’t quite do anything. (I also had a boyfriend at that time that I’ll get to in JUST a second) Finally 10th grade came along and I FINALLY made a move, only to get shot down, HARD. That was partly my fault I suppose for being too scared to tell him my feelings earlier than that. But still, ouch ouch that hurt me a lot. Jacob, the boyfriend mentioned just a second ago, this was a long distance relationship. He was a couple years older than me and I had never met him in person, I dated him because I was extremely lonely. This lasted almost a year, but not quite. It started out really fun because I could lowkey flirt with Max but still have someone to go home to and text and get the feelings of love that Max didn’t give me, I know I know that’s borderline cheating but hey I was in 9th grade and I was stupid in love with Max and it was just a messy time in my life and Ive obviously learned from it and cheating is disgusting ugh……. ihatemyselfAAAAnyways, as the months rolled by, things slowly went downhill with this Jacob kid. He just was a downer. We both were depressed and got even sadder when we realized we couldn’t meet for a long time blah blah you get the point everything was a mess and he made me extremely unhappy, that was a very toxic relationship and I’m glad nothing ever became of it. I haven’t talked to him in almost a year, I hope he’s doing well. Also in 10th grade I developed this crush on this boy named Anthony and he was a dorky kind of cute, tall and scrawny but still muscly, I dug it. I flat out told him I liked him bc I didn’t want another Max situation and he seemed interested at first until he told one of his friends that doubled as my friend that he wasn’t interested so I obviously found out and got shot down again. Ouch! When that didn’t happen I started talking to a good friend I also met over the internet named Gavin and wowie did this boy make me feel wanted and loved. I had a brief thing with him previously but it never followed through, due to the fact that he was a dickbag and cheated on me and blamed it on some personality disorder where he needed more than one girlfriend to be satisfied *cough* bullshit *cough* but anyways, I tried it with him again the summer going into 11th grade c he was sooooooo sorry and loved me soooo much and wanted to marry me (gag!) anyways, things were good for a while but then he slowly stopped talking to me and cheated again and all this other shit and as my confidence in myself slowly went down the garbage disposal as it had been since like 4th grade, I finally told myself enough is enough and told him I was done with him. I told myself I was done with boys until the right one came along and treated me right. As a junior at a new school with no friends, I assumed it would take until junior year of COLLEGE to even consider boys again (besides possibly sleeping around once I got too tired of being a virgin kek) But yunno, life throws unexpected things at you. I remember the night so clearly. I went to bed finally content with being alone, not having to worry about any boy cheating on me or making me feel bad or putting me down constantly. Then, wouldn’t you know it, the NEXT FUCKIN DAY, this super duper cute boy I had seen a few times around school walked into my first period photography class. And I thought to myself “fuck.” Bc I immediately knew something would happen between us. This boy was he perfect mix of goofy, nerdy, and cute as fuck, with a hint of holy shit you’re SEXY. Exactly my type. Tall, dark, and handsome (a spongebob reference has never been more relatable) ((besides maybe “i’m surrounded my idiots”)) ANNYYYWAYS Me and this kid start talking bc I grew a pussy (not balls bc balls are sensitive and vaginas take a pounding) and gave the kid my Snapchat. That same day I reaaallly wanted a chance to talk to him so I posted a pic on my story of me and my dog havin’ a blast (rip Lily u will be missed ily thank you for being the reason the loml messaged me for the first time) anywho, HE MESSAGED ME FIRST AND WE STARTED TALKING AND SHIT bc he thought my dog was cute af (which she was!!!!) and we kept talking and talking and found we had so much in common and finallyyyy we admitted to each other we liked each other and started dating soon after and I’m spare you all the mushy details of how that came to be. Back to the reason why I started writing this little rant/story in the first place. My dad borderline hates the guy. But what my dad doesn’t understand (which is a lot but these next few sentences are important) Every single relationship I’ve had, was with a guy who has done nothing but lead me on, cheat on me, or abuse me (both physically (which only happened twice thank god) and mentally (which happened SO MUCH OH MY GOD it’s so much harder to catch that than actually getting physically abused) Yet, my current boyfriend…. we’re gonna call him B, bc his name is unique and I don’t want people knowing who I am if this ever gets read by someone who knows me and cares enough to read though all of this. B is the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. He makes me feel important. He makes every day a blessing. When I first moved in with my dad in the beginning of 11th grade, I was a complete shut in. I hardly ever left my room besides to eat and bathe. After I met B, I started opening up and spending time with the family, and I made such amazing friends at school that I would have never talked to if it weren’t for him. B makes everything exciting. Of course we have had our fair share of bumps in the road, but ever healthy relationship does. And yunno what else healthy relationships do? They talked them through and fix the problems!!! B has made it so clear to me that I am worth all of the shit that goes on sometimes, and believe me I can be crazy so that is saying something. And oh boy is he a package deal too. He’s constantly got something going on, he’s quite frankly an idiot sometimes. But hey, he’s my idiot! I’ve never woken up and been happy about being alive since I was like 10, until B came around. B completely flipped my view of the world around. We tell each other this thing all the time because weird kinda opposites when it comes to certain things. He looks like the moon, but is the sun. And I look like the sun, but am the moon. He has dark hair and he’s got olive skin (very Italian looking) looking like a human version of the moon. But he has this optimistic view on life, the personality of the sun. Then there’s me; golden brown hair with fair skin, I look like the sun. But I’m kinda a pessimist, and I also am quite the night owl (he definitely isn’t!) personality of the moon. That might not make sense to you, but it does to us. I’m getting side tracked. The whole fuckin point is, I hadn’t felt true happiness since I was 10 until I met this guy. My dad says we aren’t going to last. My dad barely even lets me see him outside of school once a week, and when he does let me he always gives this disapproving scowl and scoff when I ask to see my boyfriend (who I have been with for well over a year now) once a week. Oh and by the way, he LIVES with his girlfriend who he’s only been dating a few more months than B and I have been. I wonder what he’d feel like if the roles were reversed. Yunno? Like he gets to see his gf every day and sleep next to her ever night, but the moment I want to see B, I get a scowl and a reluctant confirmation that I can see him on the day I asked to see him on. I’m sorry for all this rant and I know it’s probably all over the place but I just really really had to get it out because I don’t know why my dad is so unhappy with me being with a guy who makes me so happy. It’s not like B is a delinquent. He has two jobs (one is a photography business, he does really well with it actually he shoots for weddings and shit he’s an amazing photographer ((he only took the photography class at my school for the credit and to laugh at how low quality everything was at the school and how badly they taught it))) and he’s polite and respectful. My father truly has no reason to not like him, he has no idea how badly I’ve been treated up until I met B. B treats me better than anyone ever has, including my dad. Everyone else in my family loves him! Not nearly as much as I love the son of a bitch tho. I truly grew up from 3rd grade on getting belittled and cheated on and made to feel terrible, and if my dad knew that or understood it, maybe he wouldn’t hate the boy that made me happy to be alive again. Thank u for the ppl who took the time to read this through even tho I doubt anyone will do that bless u ilysm
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xxxtwilightaxelxxx · 4 years
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1-25 for the ask meme
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lol I wasn’t execting this many but I’m glad, can’t wait to see what questions I have to answer :3 think it’s best if I put a keep reading part here, this is gonna get long
1:what does your wallet look like? 
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Took me frickin forever to find a picture lol XD
2:favorite colour? Reds and blues, and anything else that strikes my fancy like teals or rainbow etc :)
3:do you own a pride flag, or more than one? I own a small one in my room, being held by a bear statue my sister got me for christmas after she noticed I really loved it. and yes that is a badge of Thor holding the lesbian flag lol. I also have bunting I got at work but I’m not sure where to put it. Oh I also have a rainbow bandana someone at work got me for christmas..it could be used as a flag lol
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4: describe your favorite outfit. (fake) leather jacket, my wine/dark red soft jeans (it’s not jean material it’s soft but I don’t know what) a shirt with a picture on it (maybe my ‘i like girls in a gay way’) a flannel shirt over that and some jewelry like a necklace and ear rings.  
5:when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter? how’d she do it?: you mean an actual girl face to face or like a celebrity? if face to face....I dunno lol it doesn’t happen often, celebrity wise, probs something related to Elizabeth Olsen or another girl lol.
6:do you use nail polish? nope, don’t wear any form of make up. 
7:do you keep organized? around certain things, like keeping a list of quests there were for each acts in dragon age 2, companion gifts and where they were and when trying to catch up on all the banter. I don’t like ppl touching my things without me knowing or moving stuff aI try but I’m not as organized and I’d like to be. 
8:ever take naps? I do love a good nap :D haven’t taken on in a while, I have them a lot in cars which annoys my sister. 
9: who was your first crush? No idea lol maybe some boy when I was a kid before I knew I was gay, um there were a few girls who I really liked because they were nice to me and I don’t know if I had slight crushes on them looking back. 
10: what are your crush tendencies? fall hard or often?: never...I haven’t had a crush in years (like a proper one that wasn’t for a celebrity) I think I’m a bit demi so unless I have an emotional connection it’s not there. Though I can’t thought myself if I see an attractive girl and swoon a bit lol but yeah no...I wish to get a crush one day and her have one on me. -_-
11: describe your ideal day. 
12:describe your ideal date: I am literally thinking of writing down dream date ideas for the future because I have so many ideal date ideas!!! I shall name one as an example which is going to build a bear, I’ve never been into one and I bet it would be such a cute date :3
13:what’s your favorite food? chicken and mushroom pie, toad in a hole, pizza, sasuage and chips, chocolate, london cheesecake, hallumi/fries many many things lol
14:who do you feel most comfortable around? ppl online, like ppl I talk to on tumblr and discord, a few ppl at work ,a few guys I hang out with at londonexpo and a lot fo my family members. I won’t be comfortale around ppl at first, but depending on them I hope to get better, like some ppl I never spoke to I talk to at work now and then :)
15:what is your favorite compliment to recieve? When I had my hair buzzed last year so it’s like Carol’s hair in end game except the sides and back are buzzed, it was a brand new me and something I had wanted to change for a long time and I felt a lot better about myself and loads of ppl at work loved it and spoke about it :D There was also the time a girl liked my fox hat I was wearing during a winter and it made my day. 
16:did you/do you like highschool? I really can’t remember most of it but it wasn’t exactly the best, I spent my first year in secondary school on my own, didn’t talk to anyone and stayed in the library and did nothing. then when I did hang with ppl one year it was one group then another a few broke off and went to another so I stayed in one group and then we went back to the original but a few ppl left, in any case I was the odd one out because they only spoke about boys/make up/x factor/ etc and I wanted to talk about anime which I discovered during that time (did take up majority of my secondary school time) or video games, and would they listen? no. And when it came to near the end and them taking pictures, I was the one that mostly took them and wasn’t in many. I did lose a lot of weight during that time (some since I have put back on not nearly as much as I originally was, I am trying to lose weight again, it’s just hard you know?) so yeah it had some good moments but I never really clicked with anyone till the last few days of secondary school where I met a girl who liked anime and then we spoke and hanged out during sixth form (I may have had a crush on her or it was just I felt like I actually had a friend idk, probs had a crush but still thought I was straight) kinda wanna just look back and see for myself but I’m not the person I was back then, or at least hardly as much.
17:favorite animal? Wolves :D I have a few others but the question only says one so :)
18:do you like your name? Yeah I have no problems with it, unless ppl call me nicola or nikki, I hate those names (I’ve been called them accidentally it just bothers me so much now) 
19:what kind of weather is your favorite? not to hot I can’t wear my leather jacket and a nice shirt and not cold in that a freeze while in my leather jacket, and of course no rain. Nice sunny weather that’s not too hot I melt in my jacket and not cold so I freeze. But I’m more of an inside person so lol
20:do you believe in horoscopes? not really, I don’t follow them, I did buy a card at londonexpo that was how my year would be and it was actually helpful :D I still have it somewhere.
21:tell us about your music taste. it differs, used to be really into heavy metal but not so much now and just listen to ones I own so get new cd’s from them, Hollywood undead this is descibe as rap metal lol. pop and alternative, I do love instrumental/classical music such as video games or film soundtracks, I’ve found playlists of music from someone and their fantasy based and it’s just amazing. Unless I show you what I have it’s hard to describe.
22:have you had your first kiss? if so what was it like? *sigh* not yet -_- almost 27 and not kisses me for yet (family kisses not counting of course) 
23:did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid? yep I had a small bear I called fred, I hope I still have him somewhere or could show a pic of him.
24:what time do you usually wake up/go to bed? HA well I don’t like to be up late do latest I will wake up (this is if I’m not working or not working till later) or 8, usually up by 7/ half seven. I’f I am working depending on time it can be as early as 6am. Going to bed...well.. I have a bad habit of not going to bed at a resonable time so sometimes it’s 11ish but most times it’s 12-1am and rarely 1-2am...and a few times 3 am lol 
25:what dream trip would you take with your wife? Probs somewhere I haven’t been like america or greece or japan, share the experience of a new country I haven’t been to with the love of my life. 
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