#i hate how much i care about preserving line breaks <3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dendrite-blues · 3 years

Photo

For a relatively short exchange, this scene is jam packed with characterization for Loki.

It’s also our first reliable look into what Loki was like before Thor 1. Not as described by others, but first hand and from his own mouth. I think that deserves a closer look, to see what we can learn about Loki and how he thinks.

This scene is significant because it tells us what Loki’s personality is like when he’s not running for his life. It tells us who he was before his trauma and what his core beliefs are underneath those layers of humor and bravado.

Better yet, since he’s alone we can assume that every line in this scene is presumably true, or at least Loki believes it to be true since he has no audience but himself.

The dialogue centers mostly around the statement “You deserve to be alone, and you always will be.” I’m not going to focus too much on the “alone” motif since I already dedicated an entire meta post to it.

What I think is more interesting about this scene is actually the looping, and the stages Loki goes through in trying to deal with it. There’s a lot of really interesting character traits on display in that progression.

Loop 1: A Warm Bath and Glass of Wine

The first loop entails Sif lecturing Loki about cutting her hair, kicking him in the balls, and storming away. Loki kneels on the floor and he gives us this great line:

“A bad memory prison? How quaint. Some punishment. I remember exactly what I did after that. I went and had a nice, hot bath and a glass of wine, and I never thought about it again. Because it was just a bit of fun.”

So we can take this to be Loki’s default reaction to pain and criticism. When put into an unexpected conflict without any forethought or outside influence, this is what he says/does.

1) Downplay the damage/threat. How quaint. 2) Dispel/soothe the emotion. Nice hot bath. 3) Minimize the impact. Never thought about it again. 4) Deflect responsibility. Just a bit of fun.

Keep those in mind as we move forward, since we’ll be using them to make sense of what else Loki says in this scene.

Loops 2 and 3: Okay, Sif, Hang On

This bit is about Loki realizing just how bad his predicament is.

L: Okay. Okay, Sif. Hang on. S: No, you hear this. You deserve to be alone... And I always will be. L: Alright, I get it. Listen. You are a reconstruction of a past event created by the organization that controls all of time. So you need to trust me and you need to help me escape. Yeah? S: Pathetic. (she kicks him again) L: (winces and groans)

As we all would expect from him, Loki’s first impulse is to try and talk his way out of it. What he says to achieve that goal is pretty revealing though. Because he doesn’t try to ease Sif’s upset by apologizing or explaining or offering to magic her hair back.

Any of these would have been more likely to save his nads in the given circumstance, right? The present threat is Sif, and she’s mad about what Loki did to her hair. But Loki doesn’t really see that. Rather, he treats her as a means to an end.

“So you need to trust me and you need to help me escape. Yeah?”

To me, that choice reveals something of a blind spot Loki has to the feelings of others. Even if he doesn’t actively like hurting people, he does prioritize their problems below his, and quite shamelessly. And at least on his first impulse, he doesn’t seem to feel much remorse or empathy for them.

Usually in fanon we attribute this callousness to his trauma. He’s learned that no one can be trusted and no one cares, and so he doesn’t allow himself to care for others.

But between his Loop 1 sentiment of “It was just a bit of fun” for an event which caused real hurt to Sif, and his Loop 2/3 behavior of “you, stop being mad and help ME” I think it’s reasonable to say that selfishness/low empathy are traits Loki possessed pre-trauma.

Loop 4-????: Happens Off Screen

It’s unclear how many times Loki loops while the camera is following Mobius, but the implication is clear that it was been many, many repetitions. Somewhere in this his denial and deflection must break, because we come back to a much humbler, more pleading Loki.

The Final Loop: I Crave Attention

S: You conniving, craven... L: Sif. Sif. S: ...pathetic worm. L: Please, please, no more. Please, I beg you. I'm a horrible person. I get it. I really am. I cut off your hair because I thought it'd be funny. And it's not. Uh... I crave attention... because I'm... a narcissist. And I suppose it's... It's because I'm scared of being alone.

HOOO BOY, so this is quite a tough bit to analyze. There’s a lot of interpretations you could make, and a lot of topics to delve into. For the sake of focus, I’m going to ignore the narcissism question. That one really needs an entire post, and I want to focus on something else here.

That being, Loki’s way of processing conflict/punishment.

I’ve always found it strange how Loki takes such pride in being called a liar and cheat when he simultaneously has this chip on his shoulder about how nobody likes him.

Those two traits don’t seem to play well together, and I always scratched my head over how they coexist in his character. If he wants people to be nicer to him, maybe he should stop antagonizing them? Yeah?

Well, here we’re finally given a clear reason. Loki craves attention, he hates being alone. So how does he avoid it? Pranks and mischief.

Fair enough.

But then, if all his pranks lead to this outcome--outrage, retaliation, insult--why doesn’t he ever learn? How is it that after 1000 years of this behavior, he hasn’t found a better way to get the attention he craves?

Loop 1: Downplay, dispel, minimize, deflect. He accepts zero accountability for the impact of his actions, and doesn’t think at all about how they affect other people. Just a bit of fun. I had a hot bath and a glass of wine, and never thought about it again.

The only reason he reaches the level of self awareness on display in the Final Loop is because the looping forces him to contemplate his actions and the impulses within him that lead to that behavior.

This is projection on my part, but to me he acts as though this kind of deep reflection is a new thing for him. He sounds like someone sharing a revelation that he’s just had about himself. We’re being shown that Loki is a man of action. He will always move forward if he can, possibly because looking back to so painful that he can’t bring himself to do it.

Circling back around to the pride Loki has for his knavery, let’s suppose that he’s been on this negative reinforcement cycle since childhood. He’s always acted out to get attention, then received retaliation and insults for it, and then pushed the bad feelings out of his mind with creature comforts and mental gymnastics.

What happens over time, when you’re being constantly told that you’re a pain in the ass and no one likes you? Most of us would take it to heart, but Loki doesn’t. He has a big ego, big enough to resist that constant barrage of hate coming at him.

So how does he marry these two conflicting realities?

He turns it into an identity, the God of Mischief.

In his head, Loki excuses himself of blame by shifting the culpability to his moniker. It’s not that he’s immature and petty, he’s just a “trickster.” It’s in his nature to cause trouble, so he can’t help it. You wouldn’t dangle a steak in front of a tiger and blame the tiger for striking, would you? And if other people can’t take a “joke” then that’s not his fault, that’s on them for not having a sense of humor. It was just a bit of fun.

Here we see the union of these two halves of Loki, the lonely ice runt and the mischievous scamp. (And a little bit of the original Loki who Thor accused of being incapable of growth!)

By refusing to think about others, and excusing himself from responsibility, Loki successfully preserves his self worth and insulates himself to most of the negative emotions he experiences.

Pain, embarrassment, and grief aren’t pointless emotions though. They are vital feelings that serve to regulate our behavior, and that push us to conform to the ways of our social circles. Without them, we annoy and upset others. Be annoying for long enough and you will eventually find yourself, well, alone. As Loki is.

Thus “Mischief” is a self-defeating loop, and Loki is just as caught in it as the cell Mobius trapped him in.

In order to be free of both traps, Loki has to stop running. He has to take a deeper look at himself and realize how much he is getting in his own way. The entire scene is one big parallel between these two “loops.” Pretty neat, huh?

Sadly these kinds of thought loops are really difficult to break, they’re buried so deeply in our personalities and habits that we usually don’t notice them until life forces us to address them.

The cell is Loki’s wake up call, and thankfully he does seem to rise to the occasion. He tells Sif quite clearly what his problem is, and he does it with beautiful, painful honesty.

Which is why it’s so fucking awesome for Mobius to acknowledge that, and to finally give Loki a taste of positive attention.

You don’t deserve to be alone. I believe you can be anything, even something good. Whatever you two did, it was powerful enough to bring this whole place down.

It’s a beautiful scene. Well written, meticulously acted. The clarity of vision in the pacing and shot selection, it’s really something special.

#loki spoilers #loki #mcu #mobius #meta #discussion #discourse #scene study #long post #sif #time loop #tva #character study

546 notes · View notes

stressedoutcanary · 3 years

Text

Do You Ever Feel Like A Misfit (Everything Inside You Is Dark & Twisted)

Dick Grayson x Reader

Word Count: 3.5K (I don't know how tf that happened)

Warnings: Explicit language, Blood and Violence, lots of angst, Hurt/Comfort ✌

A/N: Guess who's back! Just for some context the reader is a magic user and her style is similar to that of Zatanna <3

•°•°•°•°

She’d have reasoned with herself that stealing from one of the most secure and heavily guarded safe-houses of a deranged sociopath was probably not the brightest idea she’s had all day. It never even made it on her to-do-list for the weekend, but here she was, running across rooftops, holding on to the stolen totem like her life depended on it, it probably did. The three assassins sent after her were no Lady Shiva or Talia Al Ghul but they weren’t exactly amateurs either. The deep cuts and two broken ribs she got from their earlier encounter were proof of that.

She glanced back and even though there was no sign of her would-be-killers she knew better than to assume they’d just let her be. They were sticking to the shadows, exploiting her blind spots. The only thing she was sure of was that they were still hot on her trail and would happily plunge a dagger into her back given the opportunity.

She was right. As of this moment she hated being right.

She caught the glint of the two sharp objects slicing through the air, hurtling towards her at full speed. A slight shift of her upper body was all she could manage as one of the daggers got embedded right into her scapula while the other one, fortunately so, whirled past her, slightly grazing her left hip. The impact of the blade on her shoulder made her lose what little balance she had left. Despite her best efforts, when the wounded shoulder made contact with the hard concrete, a loud, ear-piercing cry ripped out from her throat before she could push it back down.

Cursing under her breath she knew, she knew all she had were those few seconds of numbness and disorientation to get a grip and figure out her exit strategy. However, all her hopes started to sink as she saw one of the assassins come closer, appearing more of a blur than a person. Then again that was probably because of the nice, little concussion she got from her fall. The assassin walked over to her, unsheathed their sword and placed it right on her neck, blocking any and every way out.

“You were warned. The Demon’s Head does not tolerate treachery. We are here under his orders to bring back the totem along with the witch’s head; your head”

If she could, she would’ve rolled her eyes at the classic villainous dialogues thrown at her.

“Witch? Who’re you calling a witch Snow White? I’m clearly a sorceress, don’t they teach you the difference between the two in assassin school or something? Hell, I’d even let you call me an enchantress, though that name’s already been taken but you get my poin-”

The remaining words died in her throat as the sword on her neck shifted slightly. She knew she had extremely poor self preservation skills considering she’s clearly been instigating the very person sent to kill her, but even she wasn’t dumb enough to keep talking when the tiniest movement on either part could result in her having a severed jugular or carotid.

‘This is a pretty shitty way to die’

She thought back to how she used the last of her mystic energy to hide the totem away before her fall and how stupid that decision really was because now she could actually feel the agonizing pain coming from her shoulder. It started to spread throughout her back like wildfire, eyelids grew heavy against her wishes. Suddenly she felt really tired and the idea to close her eyes just felt so goddamn appealing.

‘No (Y/N) that’s the blood loss talking. Blood loss doesn’t get to make decisions’, she mentally scolded herself, still not breaking her eye contact with the person standing above her.

“Give us what you stole and we shall grant you the mercy of a quick death.”

That made her raise an eyebrow, “Ah, lemme think...the correct response here would be…”, she hummed, making a show of how hard she was thinking about the offer she was granted, “How about a fuck you? How would that do for you?”, she gave them a vicious grin, it was all teeth. They probably weren’t impressed by her response and it showed.

She knew there was no way out but she had promised herself once that if she were to die, that if she ever goes out, she’d be anything but a whimpering and sobbing mess. She was scared shitless, more so than she’d ever been while fending off the league, she won’t deny that but she would rather die than let them know that. ‘Well at least I got that ‘rather die’ part down to a T.’ she thought, eyeing the sharpness of the blade which was now raised up in the air

She felt bad for just giving up the way she did. Her whole life she was told to fight her way through the impossible, to attain the strength rivaling that of Zatanna Zatara, John Constantine and Doctor Fate himself. To be better than them, and there she was lying on the ground limp as a sword came down on her throat; all for a silly necklace. She would’ve huffed out a laugh if only her ribs weren’t broken, if only her body wasn’t screaming in pain, if only she had a way out. She didn’t. She was too tired, too drained, too numb to do anything else. Closing her eyes she stopped fighting, she let her growing unconsciousness claim her.

‘This is what you deserve anyway’, her barely there conscience remarked.

‘Fuck you too.’ she replied.

Everything went pitch black. The darkness encompassing her was peaceful, unlike the pain she had felt before. It was nice for a change. It sounded pathetic but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

•°•°

When she came to, the first thing she observed was the feeling of something soft against her back, next was a dull rhythmic sound which she realized was her own heartbeat. Though opening her eyes was a tiring task. It shouldn’t have been, but it was. She used all the energy she had into it and her eyelids fluttered open. She stared at the white ceiling and stayed like that for a few seconds; a few minutes? She couldn’t tell, but the pain was back now, not too much but enough to tell her it was there, to tell she was still alive.

She saw something shift in her peripheral vision and her body instinctively went stiff. Her mind which was blank before now ran in all directions.

‘Could be Ra’s Al Ghul… Could be worse’, she tried not to think about the worst case scenario, but she knew she had pissed off a lot of beings, beings far more powerful and far crueler than Ra’s himself. An involuntary shudder passed through her at the thought. That must’ve caught her captor’s attention as she felt the person move closer to her. Begrudgingly, she tore her gaze from the spot on the ceiling which she had been staring at this whole time and tilted her head. The man in black and blue who appeared, was probably the last person she had expected to see.

“Nightwing…”

Her voice was barely above a whisper and the hoarseness with which it came out it took her by surprise, but her body visibly relaxed at the sight of the familiar figure, at the sight of someone who would never hurt her.

She watched him pull out a chair from the desk nearby. He sat next to the bed she was lying on and gave her a soft smile, a smile that spelled one word ‘relieve’. She remembered how when she first met him two years ago, she found that particular smile extremely annoying, she had no reason to, but she did. What she couldn’t remember was when she had grown so fond of it.

“How do you feel?”

“Like shit.”

He snorted a laugh which made her pout. She was planning to point out how he was being mean; laughing at her when her response truly defined the way she was feeling, but any words she thought of were cut off by the change in his expression. His smile faltered, lips were now pressed in a thin line, face contorted in a way which showed his genuine concern.

“This is the second time, this week.”

That you almost died, he didn’t say. That I had to save you and bring you back from the clutches of death, he didn’t say.

“I know.”

“That doesn’t make it better.”

“I know.”

The silence that settled, stretched far too long for comfort, but she wasn’t going to be the one to break it. She wanted to, but there was nothing she could say, that would make it better. Nightwing ran his fingers through the locks of hair, burying his face in his hands.

For the first time since she woke up, she took in his appearance, he looked disheveled, his suit was torn in different places along visible faint cuts, most likely he got them when he rescued her. She felt a pang of guilt rising in her chest. He risked his life for her, she knew he had done it before, she didn’t get it then and she didn’t get it now. Why would someone do that? Why would he? She was pulled back from her spiraling thoughts when he spoke again, exhaustion evident in his voice.

“Why are you so reckless?”

“Excuse me?”

She looked at him like he had grown another head. She wasn’t ready for this conversation but by the looks of it they were gonna have it anyway.

“What if I hadn’t been there today? Or any of the other days you almost died. What then?”

“My best guess? I would’ve been dead.”

“And that fact doesn’t bother you at all?!”

She flinched at little when his voice rose, but she stood her ground, at least figuratively since she was still in bed.

“I don’t know, should it?” She didn’t try and tone down the venom dripping from her words. Her words cut deeper than the wounds he got from the assassins; she saw it clear as day on his face. She let out a deep sigh but continued. She had to get it out and he had to hear it, that’s the reason she gave herself for the confession that followed.

“I don’t need your help, Dick. I don’t know what gave you the impression that I did but I’ve never needed it.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. ‘Why was it getting harder to speak?’ “I don’t need you to save me every time. I don’t need you to risk your life for me and I definitely don’t…” She moved to sit up straight, her back resting on the headboard. She shifted her gaze on her open palms resting in her lap; palms covered in blood, in her blood, not very long ago.

“I don’t need you to care...”

The last part was a whisper and Dick was silent, so silent that for a brief moment she wondered if the man she’d come to care about even heard her, admitting something that was so painful for her to say out loud.

Dick moved to sit beside her, his shoulder bumping hers. He didn’t know where all this was coming from but he knew better to leave it unattended.

“(Y/N) I help you because I care about you. I always will, you know that.”

“Why? You have nothing to gain from it”, blinking back the unshed tears in her eyes, she looked at him with a hurt expression as if she couldn’t bring herself to understand.

“Why… as in why do I care?”, Dick tilted his head to look her in the eyes, trying to understand what she meant all the while making sure not to let his own surprise at her words show. She nodded not trusting her voice to not betray her anymore than it already had.

“I don’t care about you because I feel like you need it nor because I would gain something from it”, Dick knew he shouldn’t have to explain it to her. He briefly wondered what she had gone through to make her think that she needed to be useful to be cared for or that she had to need it to be cared for. He felt something pull at his heart at the thought; It was sorrow.

“I care about you because… well I do and there’s nothing you could or couldn’t do to change that. And it is because I care about you that I ask you to be better at taking care of yourself. Now I know for a fact that whatever you stole from The League’s safehouse definitely did not belong there, but I also know that whatever it was, it wasn’t worth your life (Y/N) It never will be.”

Dick grasped one of her hands, interlacing his gloved fingers with hers; she hadn’t even realized she was shaking until he did so. Closing her eyes, she forced herself to take a deep breath despite her protesting ribs. Opening the palm of her free hand she muttered an incantation with practiced ease

“Eveirter tahw saw neddih “, her hand glowed, the golden aura taking the shape of a object. When the light subsided, Dick saw the object in her palm as she rubbed her thumb across it, quietly leaning her head on his shoulder.

“It was this totem. It belongs to Madame Xanadu. Don’t know what Ra’s wanted it for though”, she shrugged as best as she could with an injured shoulder then continued, voice firmer than it had been the whole evening,“ She asked me to retrieve it in exchange for information on a girl I was looking for. The girl was somehow sucked into some other dimension, a mystic one and her mother was so desperate when she approached me that I just couldn’t say no. So when I say the Totem was important, then I want you to know that it really is.”

Dick shook his head at that. “Still not worth your life.”

“Dick…”, she sighed. It was all she could do at the moment because she was really getting tired from all the arguing.

“Do you remember the first time we met?”

“You mean the time I met the infamous vigilante Nightwing in a dumpster of all places.”

“In my defense I was badly injured”, she hummed in agreement.

“You smelled bad”

“You try smelling like flowers after falling from a building and into an open dumpster.”

His playful grumbling pulled a short laugh out of her. She was more than a little confused at the sudden trip into the past but happily accepted it as a change of topic. She should’ve know better than to think he’d have let the matter go.

“Anyway my point is when you saw me that day, you first instinct was to help me. You pulled me out and used your magic to heal my wounds. You didn’t have to. You could’ve dropped me at a hospital. You could’ve even walked away and pretended that you never saw me, but you didn’t. Why is that?”

“Because I thought you were handsome?”, she said trying to lighten this too-heavy-for-comfort conversation he was trying to have.

“Nice try. I know you. You saved me because you cared. You helped me and the Titans save the city more than once because you cared. It is who you are. I’ve seen you care about and worry over complete strangers without conditions. So why do you think that there has to be some kind of a barter system when it comes to you? Why think that I would want to gain something if I cared about you?”

“Because everyone else did.”

The words shot out from her mouth quicker than she realized. She had voiced her greatest insecurity to the one person who never had anything to add to it and Dick’s heart clenched at the implications of her words, ‘She has never been loved unconditionally before’ his brain provided.

The tears she blinked back earlier came back with full force. She felt two strong arms that wrapped around her, all the while being mindful of her injuries. Dick pulled her into a hug and that was it. She couldn’t control the sobs that tore through her throat, the pain in her body flared due her erratic movements. She knew once the tears started flowing they wouldn’t stop at least not for a while, but now that her façade had been broken she couldn’t bring herself to give it another thought.

He waited for her to let it out, let out all the pent up emotions she had. Now that he thought about it he had never seen her cry. He never questioned it, maybe he should’ve.

“I don’t know who’s responsible for hurting you (Y/N), God, how much I wish I did”, his arms slightly tighten around her at that. “I am so sorry that you have felt like you have to have your walls up all the time, even around me and I should’ve seen that, I should’ve realized that before but I didn’t and I am so sorry for that. I can’t undo the damage you’ve endured and I will not pretend that I can. What I can do is promise you that I’d never let you down like that, never.”

The words he spoke were clear. He didn’t try to tell her to put her walls down, to trust him when she had no reason to. He also didn’t need to justify himself or make such over the top promises but it felt nice to hear it. She had already stopped crying the moment he started speaking again but she still had her forehead pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, it was calming in a way she couldn’t describe. She pulled her head back to look at him, and the honesty in his voice earlier matched the one in his eyes.

“Okay”

Hearing her response, he gave her his signature grin. It sent unexpected warmth through her, he always had that effect on her. She was sure she was just blushing at this point and was suddenly thankful for the dim lighting in the room.

She ended up composing herself rather quickly, jabbing a finger at his armored chest with her usual smirk plastered on her face.

“Now that you’ve made that promise, know this, Dick Grayson, if you let me down I will drop a mountain on you.”

“You mean that figuratively?”

“No I mean that geologically”, he waited for her to say she was kidding. She didn’t.

“Alright, alright”, He held his hands out in mock surrender. After considering the look in her eyes, Dick refrained from questioning the feasibility of that action nor did he want to question her magical abilities or intent. Last he remembered, Wally did that and that conversation ended with him being teleported to Sahara and Dick would very much like to avoid the same fate as his best friend.

Deciding that was more than enough exhaustion for one night, he got up from the bed and kissed her goodnight, informing her that he’d be sleeping on the couch so that he wouldn’t accidently hit her injuries in his sleep. She agreed and watched him slip out of the room before falling into the blissful sleep she had been putting off since forever.

•°•°

She knew Dick Grayson was full of surprises but the next morning when he put forward the offer of become a full time Titan, in front of her, she wondered if she fell from the bed in her sleep and ended up getting another concussion because he was so not making any sense.

“So let me get this straight, you want me to come live with you and your superhero friends, in the Titans freaking Tower?!”

“I was hoping for a little less yelling after an emotional evening but yes that is exactly what I’m asking.”

“Dick that’s just ridiculous!”

“Look, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

He looked like a kicked puppy which made her feel kinda guilty for all the yelling.

“It’s not that…It’s just there is still a lot about me I haven’t told them. There is still a lot I haven’t told you. I don’t see a reason why you all would want to trust a possible threat, let alone live with it”, she gestured to herself.

Dick felt like there was a deeper meaning behind her words, as if she was voicing her own fear rather than theirs but he trusted her enough to tell him about it when she was ready, on her own terms. He could wait till then but for now he crossed the short distance between them, going around the breakfast table till he stood in front of her. He grasped both of her hands in his and ran his thumb soothingly across her knuckles. He bent down to place a soft kiss on her forehead, and then moved to meet her gaze.

“(Y/N), I know you and I trust you and…It sounds silly considering I was raised by the worlds greatest detective but I believe that you don’t have to know every little detail about someone as long as you already know what’s in their heart.” Bruce probably would’ve disagreed but he wasn’t Bruce.

“And you know what’s in mine?”

“And I know what’s in yours.” His statement was firm and left no room for argument, not when it came to this.

“If you’re sure about this, then I guess...”

“Is that a yes I’m hearing?”, There was that smile again, seriously what was up with him and his smile that made her giddy inside.

In between thoughts she realized he was still waiting for a response so she nodded. Any underlying doubts she had about her answer vanished when she took in how happy it made him. As cheesy as it sounded seeing him happy made her happy. A part of her said it wouldn’t last long, but seeing her boyfriend hop onto the couch full of joy as he called his friends about the latest development in their lives, she wanted to believe otherwise.

°•°•°•°•

235 notes · View notes

lubdubsworld · 3 years

Text

Change of Heart ( Taehyungx OC)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

Summary : Times are changing. After years of being oppressed, werewolves are taking a stand against humans , demanding equal rights and fair treatment. Heading the movement is Kim Taehyung, the breathtaking heir to the Kim fortune and one of the few remaining Alpha werewolves in the country. His disdain for the human race is well known and well warranted. They killed his family after all….. He wants to change the world , to put humans in their place but when his five year old daughter takes a shine to their very human neighbor , maybe he has to start with a change of heart , first.

: Pairing : Taehyung x OC / Werewolf AU!!

Genre : Romance, Explicit Content.

Warnings : story gets a little serious from now on out... there's a lot of sexism, misogyny, degradation of women , and well morally untoward actions by people ......the oc gets roped into something exploitative and wrong. She is consenting but she's also pressured. So , please remember that this is just fiction.

Chapter 8

“Rae, calm down... i didn’t mean i want you to leave right now..” Taehyung gripped both my wrists with his hands , tugging me away from my things . When I didn’t move, he gave me a gentle nudge toward to bed, prompting me to sit down.

“You’re just-” I began angrily but he cut me off.

“Just sit down for a second and we can talk about this.” He begged, grip gentle as he held my hands . I tried to pull my hands away but he merely linked our fingers together, squeezing gently.

I glared at him but sat down nonetheless. He stared down at me for a second before carefully, kneeling down in front of me.

My throat went dry at that. I doubted Kim Taehyung had ever kneeled , anywhere, in his entire life.

“I’m sorry, Rae. “ He whispered, thumb tracing circles on the back of my palm. “ I was out of line talking to you like that. I would like to think, after everything we’ve been through, we’re at least friends.”

Someone put me out of my misery, I closed my eyes in dejection.

“Please don’t give me a , ‘ we’re better off as friends’ speech... Please, I absolutely cannot handle that from you right now.” I whispered.

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that I was out of my head when I came here just now, things were going south in the office and I was stressed out.... I swear I didn’t come here intending to talk to you about Eun Woo..... I came here to check up on you.....I just, I saw you with Jungkook and then you told me you were going to leave with him and I panicked and told you about Eun Woo. I’m sorry and I know I shouldn’t have sprung that on you. Not now, when you’re clearly still hurting.”

I stared at him.

“You know just the right things to say, don’t you?” I shook my head.

Taehyung made a noise of impatience, scooting forward on his knees and his hands dropping to grip my waist through the thick towel wrapped around me. Suddenly aware of being just in my towel, I stopped breathing when he pressed closer, kissing the edge of my jaw.

“I wasn’t trying to manipulate you into sleeping with me. Trust me...when I was talking to Seokjin about not wanting to mate you... I didn’t mean that I didn’t want you because I wasn’t attracted to you....I meant that I didn’t want to forcefully bring you into a world that is going to be cruel to you.”

“I don’t know if I can believe anything you tell me anymore.” I said softly and his arms came around me, tugging me closer till he pressed his face into the curve of my breasts.

“I’m not just anybody, Rae....You know that. Being with me isn’t the same as being anyone on the street. I.. I’m a public figure. Someone who has made his disdain for humans pretty clear.... “ He pulled back to stare at me. He looked devastated and I felt my heart lurch treacherously again . He pressed another kiss, this time to my lips, before drawing back.

“I know I hurt you.....but my cause is bigger than me, than anything I could want or desire. There are people out there...my people... people who have spent hundreds of years being punished for something they can’t control. And until , I o my part , until I use my wealth and power to bring some change in their lives, I don’t belong to myself.” He looked haggard , pressing his palms to his face, rubbing the exhaustion out of his eyes and I couldn’t harden my heart against the pang of sympathy that bloomed inside me.

“I’ve never asked you to give up on your cause. Isn’t that the whole reason i came with you last night?” I reminded him and he nodded.

“Yes...and look how that left you. “ He shook his head, “ I wasn’t even rough , Rae. I felt like a bull in a fucking china shop, touching you. So scared of breaking something, so fucking terrified I was going to hurt you ....It drove me fucking crazy...”

I stared at him in disbelief , reaching out and cupping his cheeks, forcing him to stare at me. .

“ Stop that. You did not hurt me. I’m not as fragile as you think... You’re hardly the first alpha wolf I’ve had sex with...” I said sharply and he groaned.

“I know... Fuck, I know that... It’s just....My instincts get so jumbled with you. I want to make love to you, to make you feel good …But I also want to protect you and keep you safe and it feels like i can’t do both...”

“You and I...we aren’t that different. What feels good for you feels good for me too...” I protested.

Taehyung gave me a helpless look.

“I was raised this way. I haven’t ever seen my friends and family treat humans with anything but wariness and fear. My family ..... My father and mother, they ....” He hesitated. “ They turned a five year old human child, because she was dying. She was dying and her mother begged them to save their daughter. My dad gave her the bite ..... The girl survived and she was a wolf, yes but she lived. Do you know what your kind did? They said what he did was illegal , and they put my dad on trial and sent my parents to prison for it. “

I stared at him, wide eyed.

“My parents didn’t last a month. They died in a fucking dungeon because humans think its better for a five year old girl to die than be one of us. I lost my parents when I was eight years old because humans cannot fathom the idea of someone being different.....”

“Taehyung, I am so sorry... i didn’t know..... “ I said quietly.

“I’m not saying that has anything to do with you. I’m not ignorant enough to blame every human I meet for something that happened a whole two decades ago. I know things have changed....that the world today is vastly different from how it was back then... but can you imagine what would happen if I started this thing with you? “ He sighed, shaking his head.

“Taehyung, what are you saying?” I asked , too tired to process what he was saying. I could feel a headache coming on, strong and almost debilitating in its intensity .

“ I like you.... I would love to get to know you better.... Watching you with my daughter...fuck... I’ve never seen her so happy..... I would like nothing more than to give her a family.... but the people I live with. The friends I meet for dinners, the guys I hang out with for drinks....they don’t trust humans. They’re powerful men who have seen first hand how cruel humans can be and they’re not going to give up years of conditioning, just because my wolf chose to imprint on a human.”

I stared at him, not even sure what to say.

“Taehyung, I haven’t hidden how I feel about you. I’m not ignorant about what its like between your kind and mine. I live in the preserve. You think I don’t know what it’s like to be a human in a community of werwolves? I know how people look at me, how they see humans in general. If we did this....I would never blame you for the way others treat me.” I told him, heart breaking because he had clearly thought about this. Thought about this enough for him to feel bad about the mere possibility of me being hurt.

Taehyung shook his head in protest.

“How do you think I would feel, if I had to watch my friends treat you with anything but respect? It would drive me insane. And if you think the werewolves in the preserve are cruel to humans, you don’t even know how bad the upper class weres are... They don’t see human women as anything but a sick fetish for them to indulge themselves in. I’m not going to bring you into a world like that.....” He gave me look that was steady and unyielding, his tone brooking no argument.

I sighed.

“Okay. “ I said softly.

He stared at me.

“Do you hate me?”

I rolled my eyes.

“I think we can safely establish that I am incapable of hating you.” I said tiredly.

He smiled. I hesitated just a bit, before reaching out to touch his shoulders. I curled my fingers a bit, tugging him closer for a hug and he indulged me, palms stroking my back as I breathed in the alluring scent of him.

“ When this is over.... “ Taehyung said softly, “ I hope you and i could get dinner together. I want you in my life... even if just as a friend.”

Isn’t that just the perfect recipe for disaster, I thought miserably.

“I’m not going to be your friend, Kim Taehyung ssi.... I don’t hate myself that much.” I pressed a kiss to his ear.

He hesitated.

“What do you want to be then?” He whispered.

I shrugged, pulling back to stare at him.

There really was no point talking in circles, was there?

“The woman you love.” I said , holding his gaze steadily.

His lips parted, clearly unprepared for my bluntness.

To spare him the embarrassment of replying, I went on.

“But i know that’s not in the cards...so i would rather we be passing acquaintances.” I shrugged.

Taehyung gripped my knees, squeezing.

“I’ve not been with a woman in years. My wife, “ He grimaced , a flash of hurt and betrayal in his eyes, “ She... I didn’t even like her let alone care for her. I’ve forgotten what It means to love a woman...to worry about how my actions affect her...to act in a way that makes her feel how much I care for her.....”

I bit my lips, not sure what he was implying or if he was even implying anything.

" Well then, once my dad goes to prison... You can go back to that blissful time in your life when you didn’t know that I existed. .”

I grabbed my clothes off the bed and made to move to the bathroom

.“Rae.... wait.”

I stopped, staring at him.

I felt his fingers on my wrist, tugging me gently and I watched the way his fingers looked, so large and warm over mine.

I could feel him staring at me but .I stayed quiet.

There really was nothing more for me to say to him.

“I’ve forgotten how to love a woman but...” He bit his lips.” It doesn’t mean I can’t learn again.”

I choked out a laugh. God, I hated him.

“Don’t you dare-”

“When this is over.” He continued firmly, “ When your father is in prison, I’m not going to walk away. I don’t understand humans, I don’t relate to your kind....I can’t feel the things you do but I can learn. I can and I will. After everything you’ve done for me, it’s the least i can do for you. ”

I shook my head.

“ Do it for yourself. Do it to be a better person. Because sometimes the greater good isn’t enough to justify hurting people who are on your side of the battlefield. “

He lowered his head and I pulled away gently, moving away to get dressed,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Is he going to come pick me up? “ I asked casually, swallowing down another couple of pills. I wasn’t even in a lot of pain anymore. More a pleasant soreness all over .

Taehyung exhaled, nodding.

“He’s ...a good guy but I still want you to tell me if he tries something....”

I turned to stare at him, eyebrows raised.

“And what will you do? Antagonize the man who’s your only hope to bring my father down? Don’t be absurd Taehyung.. i can handle men like Eun Woo.” I turned back to the mirror.

I ran the brush through my hair, carefully examining my face for any stray marks or bruises. It had taken a bit of time an an extra layer of concealer but i looked relatively unmarred.

“I just want to make sure you’re safe and-”

“I can take care of myself.... I’m a big girl.” I smiled at him through the reflection in the mirror. .

Although, just the fact that I was here, having this conversation with him was a fine example of how bad I was at taking care of myself. How I had a knack for making the worst possible choices, the kind of choices that ended with me with my heart broken over and over again because of the same damn man.

God, I wanted to get out of this apartment. Wanted to get away from Kim Taehyung. Never wanted to see his gorgeous face again.

“Eun Woo knows you’re my mate... He won’t....”

My eyes snapped up to him.

Just hearing that word made something leap inside me, something sharp and hurtful. Something that felt unbearable, an emotion that made me pulse with regret and pain and filled me with a need to sob out loud.

i turned around and his eyes immediately flitted to mine. I knew they were a little damp.

“Can you just...not call me that? “ I whispered , my fingers beginning to tremble.

Taehyung froze, staring at me with wide eyes.

“Rae...”

i closed my eyes , breathing deeply. I’d never felt so frustrated, so desperate to end things with someone and yet so incapable of doing just that and i hated him, hated him for turning me into something so pathetic.

“Don’t call me your mate. That is not what I am and that is not how you see me. So just don’t. “

I tried to calm myself down.

Taehyung didn’t reply so I went on.

“I’m going to do this...not just for you , but for the people in that preserve. For Luna because I want her to grow up in a world where she has the chance to experience the same happiness that the rest of us do. “

“Yes, And I’m grateful..” Taehyung began but i held my hand up.

“I’m going to do this but I’m not going to give you more than what I absolutely have to. I’m not going to let you play the besotted lover when we both know there’s no future for us that way. I need to protect my heart and I can’t do that if you keep confusing me. And that means you talk to me like you would talk to any of your friends. ”

Taehyung just stared at me for a second before nodding sharply.

“Point taken.” He said gruffly , looking just a little annoyed..

Good, I thought viciously.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We’re gonna have to get you more clothes like this, if we’re going to be together for real... ... You know the kind of life I lead...” Eun Woo commented mildly, shooting me a glance as he maneuvered the car out into traffic. He was pointing at the teal blue sheath dress I had on.

It was pretty, spaghetti straps holding up the satiny material and molding to my body like a second skin. Taehyung had rented it out for me, and it had given me some satisfaction, watching him go slack jawed when I put it on. I was half tempted to tell him that I had won a lot of beauty pageants at my dad’s Country Club , back when I had still lived with him as a teenager.

Over the years, I’d always dressed down, avoided make up and just not bothered too much. not because I didn’t enjoy dressing up but because it served no purpose. . Running up and down the ferry meant a lot of salty air on my hair and face and so, I had probably always looked like a drowned rat to Taehyung.

“I have a whole closet full of branded clothes at my brother’s apartment. You don’t have to worry about me embarrassing you in public. I grew up as Jae hyun’s daughter .I know how the bougie class dresses, so please, just drive .” I was so tired, my eyes swollen although I hadn’t even cried. My heart felt like it had been wrung out .

Eun Woo whistled.

“So you’re.... technically rich. Very rich.” There was a hint of interest there, laced with barely concerned excitement and it made my skin crawl.

I rolled my eyes.

“I’m rich if i do exactly what my father asks me to. Which I won’t.”

Eun Woo chuckled.

“So...this thing with Taehyung...it’s nothing huh? I mean, he’s clearly okay with you doing stuff with me.....”

I glared at him.

“The only thing we’re going to be doing is finding out what my father’s upto.”

He held both his hands up .

“Hey, I’m just wondering if he’ll tear my throat off if I shoot my shot.”

I sighed, too exhausted to even entertain this conversation.

“Don’t make this difficult.” I said tiredly and he grunted.

“He did a number on you last night, huh?” the lecherous glance he tossed my way was nauseating.

I didn’t reply.

“Thought you were used to werewolves though...could smell that wolf on you...in the preserve.,.. Jungkook was it?”

I closed my eyes .

Eun Woo looked handsome and elegant in his pin striped white suit and perfectly polished shoes but there was no mistaking the sheer unadulterated lust on his face when he looked at me. And the way he talked to me, like I was a hooker he had hired for the night. I suddenly understood what Taehyung had meant, when he said that wolves only looked at human women as a fetish.

I glanced at my phone. It was a little past five. My father generally spent his evenings in his Yacht club, lounging about with his friends and scantily clad women. Eun Woo was a member too and the idea was to casually run into my father there.

“I’m just saying...you have a thing for wolves...I’ll be more than willing to scratch that itch for you....” He was leering now and I willed myself not to scream when his fingers reached out, lightly stroking my cheek. I pulled away, bile rising in my throat.

Feeling cheap and dirty, I dug my fingers into my thighs.

“Thank you for the kind offer. I’ll let you know if I ever want to take you up on that.” I muttered.

I watched as he pulled into the Yacht Club.

The Marina Yacht club was my father’s castle. It was where he held court thrice a week, all his rich and powerful bosom buddies flooding the place to get and stay in his good graces.

Wine, Women, drugs and alcohol all topped with a healthy dose of anonymity and discretion. I stepped out into the lobby, surprised when a man called out my name.

“Mi Rae?? Is that you?”

I felt my eyes widen when I recognized my dad’s old butler.

“Mr. Gwan... Oh, I didn’t know you worked here?” I smiled despite myself, happily letting his wrap his hands around me in a warm hug.

“Your father has been so kind to me.... He misses you.” The old man said softly.

I managed to return the gesture, bowing lightly.

“Is he here?”

“Out on the back terrace. A lot of his friends are here today.... Would you like to meet him?”

I nodded.

“Certainly. Could you tell him I’m here with ... Mr. Cha Eun Woo?” I smiled and looped my arm around Eun Woo’s , the latter pulling out his membership card and handing it over to Mr. Gwan with a winning smile.

Mr Gwan bowed, leading us into the foyer which was milling with Seoul’s elite, men in polo t shirts and fitted pants and women in short summer dresses or flowery jumpsuits with huge hats. The crème de la crème of society, I thought , rolling my eyes internally.

“Stop looking like that, doll. “ Eun Woo’s lips brushed my ear and I straightened my features, pasting a small smile as we followed Mr. Gwan, past the milling crowd and to the back, where the club opened into a beautiful terrace with a pool and a dance floor.

Women in skimpy bikinis' lounged around the pool despite the lateness of the hour and I saw my father, surrounded by four or five men, relaxing in the lounge chairs near the pool. They were all old and fat, my father standing out because he was always particular about staying fit and looking ten whole years younger.

He looked surprised when he saw me, surprised but clearly pleased.

“Mirae..... And Eun Woo? What an absolute pleasure.” He stood p quickly, eyes glinting with delight when he took in my attire.

“Good evening father.” I smiled, letting him pull me into a hug. My father turned to the men around, all of whom made no attempt to hide the way they were ogling me.

“Gentlemen, my beautiful daughter, Mirae. And the man she’s seeing currently, I believe you’re all familiar with him. One of the finest men in the country. ”

I tilted my head in acknowledgement, bowing lightly while Eun Woo shook hands with the men.

“Cha Eun Woo at your service.” He drawled easily, holding a couple of fingers up and signalling a waiter to bring a couple more chairs for us. I smiled as he gave me a soft kiss on my cheeks.

“Why don’t we head over to the bar and you can pick a drink, honey?” He said , smile dazzling in its intensity.

I fluttered my lashes for effect.

“I’d love that.” I said , letting him lead me away with a quick, “ Gentlemen, a moment.”

“That’s Taehyung’s undersecretary . The rest of them i can’t recognize but they’re all wolves. Your father’s been particularly sneaky, i see....” He whispered thoughtfully , the moment we were out of hearing distance and I blinked.

“What?”

“That guy in the blue trunks, he’s a part of Taehyung’s cabinet. I’m sure of it.”

The bartender tapped the counter to get our attention and I startled.

I pointed vaguely at one of the drinks and turned back to Eun Woo.

“Really? Oh my God, do you think he’s been telling my father about Taehyung’s plans?”

Eun Woo nodded.

“That would explain things.... “

“We should tell Taehyung , he needs to fire that guy...” i said desperately and Eun Woo shook his head.

“No... we need to find out what is it that these wolves wants from your father... They’re obviously feeding him information for a price. We need to know what, although I think i have a pretty good idea.” Eun Woo smirked.

“What?” I said, curious but he shook his head, lightly kissing the tip of my nose.

“Its a wolf thing... I’m just going to go back and lay some groundwork. You wearing a bikini underneath that dress?”

I frowned.

“Yes? Why?”

“Go to the dressing room and take your dress off. Come back and sit on my lap yeah? “

I stared at him.

“This better have something to do with ...”

“Baby, we’re running low on time. Just do as I tell you and you can be back in your TaeTae oppa’s arms in no time.....” He drawled, squeezing my hips hard and I flinched.

He was so annoying.

But I did as he said and when I walked back to the rest of them, I saw that he was sitting a little ways off from the rest of them but close to the man in the blue trunks. The crowd had left, the gate leading to the terrace was closed and my father was nowhere to be found.

it was just Eun Woo and the four men and the four or five women still in the pool.. They all looked at me when I got near and Eun Woo stood up waving before sitting back down.

“Ah...Rae... Come on over!” He waved and I walked over, feeling ridiculously exposed in the electric blue string tied bikini.

I smiled at him, casually sitting down on his lap, and letting him wrap an arm around my torso. He pressed a kiss to my cheek, my jaw and then whispered against my ear.

“Let’s give them a show.”

I blinked, confused and then he pulled me closer, tugging me around till I was straddling him. I gripped his shoulders at the obscene position we were in , but he looked incredibly serious as he gave me a slight nod. Smiling, I lightly rolled my hips , letting the crotch of my bikini trace a small circle against the front of his slacks. He had taken off his jacket and it wasn’t that hard to get into the mood. The idiot was beautiful after all.

“needy little thing....” Eun Woo chuckled. “ Dated a couple of betas but it wasn’t enough for her...Right baby?”

I gave him a shy little smile, watching the men out of the corner of eyes. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing but, i followed Eun Woo’s lead and moved when he tugged on my hips, buried my nose in his neck when his palms fluttered against my shoulder.

“Sometimes they need a knot.... can’t settle for anything less....” Eun Woo went on, laughing and i stiffened despite myself. He pinched my thigh lightly, a soft, ‘ focus’ hissed against my ear.

I swallowed, staying still.

He lightly dipped one finger into the waistline of my bikini and i jumped.

“There’s something exciting about fucking a human .... so helpless and fragile and yet so thirsty to get dicked down by an animal.” Eun Woo went on and the men chuckled.

I tamped down on the urge to knee him in the crotch.

The greater good.

the greater fucking good. I reminded myself.

i was going to strangle Kim Taehyung.

“ Knows when to keep her mouth shut too. It’s a rarity with human women...... Always yip tapping about shit. “ Eun Woo went on.

“She looks amazing...” The man on the left said...

“She looks even better when I have her wrapped around my knot.” Eun Woo chuckled.

The air seemed to shift around me.

“Uh...yeah?” One of the men said.

“Of course....gets off on it too... People watching...right baby..? I could make you take my knot, right here on this chair with all these people watching and you’d love it...wouldn’t you baby?”

“Fuck, that would be so hot...” The man in the blue trunks whined next to me and it made my skin crawl. I couldn’t do this. Not even for Kim fucking Taehyung.

I dug my nails into Eun Woo’s sides. I’d had enough.

“I have a resort up the Han River.... Secluded and private. Mr Yoon told me you guys have some sort of deal to finish up? Why not schedule it at my place.... Dinner and a show” Eun Woo squeezed my thighs hard making me yelp, “ My treat.”

The men whispered excitedly.

“That sounds good. The seventeenth of this month. We have a ... meeting with a few associates. We’d require a lot of privacy . “

Eun woo hummed.

“Done. And sweet Rae and I will be there to take care of the entertainment . Now if you’ll excuse me gentlemen, I have a few more pressing engagements.”

He spanked my thigh and I sat up, slowly climbing off him. He wrapped his arm around my waist , and I looked anywhere but at the men, bowing awkwardly as I let him lead me away from the terrace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ow...Ow... Ow.. What the fuck..stop!” Eun Woo grabbed my wrists stopping me from raining more punches on him.

“That was so fucking embarrassing you fucking pervert!!” I hissed and he gripped my wrists harder, so hard that I winced.

“I know!!! just calm the fuck down. At least we know when they’re meeting the damn dealers. And it’ll be on our turf. “ He said angrily.

I glared at him.

“So what , the cops can just walk in and arrest them...??” I stared at him in disbelief.

it seemed so easy.

“If they’re caught with the drug, yeah.” Eun Woo shrugged, “ Taehyung already has plenty of evidence linking your father to the drug,....all he needs is the physical record of your father in contact with the dealers. And if your father’s there on seventeenth its going to be a walk in the park. All we need to do is...well... possibly fuck in front of them.”

I felt my jaw drop.

“I am not fucking you... not even if the survival of the entire human race depended on it.” I hissed.

“Relax, babe... It doesn’t have to be all the way through... beta werewolves don’t have a knot so these bastards get turned on watching alphas knot a woman... that's all it is... We give them that and they’re gonna play right into our hands.....” Eun Woo shrugged.

“That is so gross...” I fought the urge to retch.

“ We also feed some sort of nonsense to that undersecretary of his.. maybe a false raid elsewhere so these idiots have their guard down. it’ll be easy. “ Eun Woo shrugged

I groaned.

But I had to admit that Taehyung was right. Cha Eun Woo was a smart bastard.

“And that's the best way to do this? I need to... pretend to have sex with you...” I tasted bile in my throat.

Eun woo smiled.

“For the greater good , baby.”

i groaned.

I hated werewolves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : Shit’s about to go down in the next chapter !! lemme know what you guys thought :D

taglist :

@veronawrites

@ladyartemesia

@bumb1e--bee

@brooky95

Send me an ask if you want to be on the tag list :D

#taehyung smut #taehyung fics #taehyung werewolf au #bts werewolf au #bts smut #bts fics #bts au #taehyung fanfic #taehyung au #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction

287 notes · View notes

jiminrings · 3 years

Note

LINCHBOX LOVERS FIRST KISS IM BEGGING

cold senior!y/n x stem major koo masterlist :D

jungkook’s never really had his first kiss and he might faint in nervousness

there’s something really important that jungkook’s nEVER said to you

he kinda thinks it’s a life or death scenario <3

the two of you are together now after all!! you know things about each other, that’s just how it is

you know that his oddly specific fear is having a spider crawl on him while he’s asleep and that he can’t read sheet music or a single note for the life of him!!! lol that’s why he’s in stem

jungkook knows that you like cracking your knuckles on your hand using the same hand, and that you’re actually SCARED if you even try to crack them with your opposite hand

one time jin caught you off-guard and cracked your knuckles all at the same time and you hate that too so you ended up crying to yoongi

the two of you will eventually know almost everything about each other in due time!!

but jungkook really really wants you to know right now

right now IS due time

yoongi’s out to pick up jin because he’s in another state that’s seven hours away!! it’s wholesome friendship but more or less begging with the promise of kim “mr. student affairs” seokjin

“i will coerce your physics teacher bc i’m buddies with him to give you an A+ this semester if you pick me up rn :-)”

.... hehe.......... along those lines.,.....,..,..

you tagged out when yoongi asked you to come with him because you wanted to spend some time with jungkook, and then yoongs flat-out pretended not to hear what you just said and then left

once again, tae does nOT know if he’s helping but!!! he tagged along with yoongi :D

atleast everyone now knows that yoongi’s safe because he definitely will not be sleepy with all of tae’s chattering

this is the first time you’ve invited jungkook over with absolutely no one else in the dorm

no seokjin who’s hovering and keeps teasing for the two of you to sit two rulers apart

no yoongi who insists on keeping all the lights turned on so there would be no funny business

in fact, there’s no funny business that’s happening

and that’s what jungkook wants to talk about!! that’s where he’s getting at!!

he knows you’re just respecting his space and his decisions!! that’s how considerate you are

even if jungkook hasn’t explicitly said anything about his experiences and lack thereof, jimin once told him that everything about him screams ahhckkk vIRGINNNNN!!!!!! so that’s perfectly embedded into his mind

after some thinking though, kook finally had the handle on himself to know that he’s ready — one first time at a time :-)

it’s the whole reason why jungkook didn’t think twice of coming over when you asked him to

and he’s using this time now to tell you what he hadn’t before

right now when the two of you are watching a movie and his head’s resting on the crook of your shoulder with your hand on his knee, to tell you that —

“i haven’t had my first kiss.”

jungkook blurts out and it’s not only him that’s a little taken-aback with the suddenness, feeling your head tilt to come look at him

“really?” your nose scrunches but there’s no judgement to your eyes to which jungkook is extremely thankful for, being extra observant of your reaction

he nods almost eagerly now that the weight’s gone from his chest, making you smile slightly

“that’s okay.”

you only hum in reply and guide jungkook’s head back to your shoulder, resuming on watching the movie with no worries in mind

there’s no worries but there are definitely a LOT of thoughts in ur mind,,,,

you’ve kinda expected it from the start but there’s nothing wrong about it!!!

the other entire reason you knew that jungkook’s never done anything was because jimin kept squawking ahckkckk VIRGINNNNNN!!!!

you can’t forget that time when jimin also needed to interview an athlete for his paper and he needed you specifically

the two of you were talking and jungkook’s approaching you with a skip in his step and your lunchbox and jimin just wanted to fuck with him a lil so he squawked it out loud

...... jungkook really insisted that it wasn’t true but he kNEW no one was buying it so that’s when he started plotting his revenge on jimin ://

just when he’s gonna get a little too deep into his thoughts on why you’re so nonchalant, you’re the one who catches him off-guard this time

“do you want to kiss me?”

he goes rigid and sits upright completely, head eagerly nodding

“o-of course.”

:-)

“oh. okay.”

..... what

........ he’s lost

jungkook’s a little confused because that’s it??? no additional remark?????

you’re just sitting on the couch like you have been for the past hour and that’s it!!! you’re back to watching your movie AS IF you haven’t asked him if he wants to kiss you!!!

what now

your eyes are just glued on the screen and he’s starting to think that love & other drugs is more interesting than him

jungkook visibly scowls and you can see him from your peripheral vision, resisting the urge to chuckle at his displeased face

“this is the part where you’re supposed to kiss me.”

his deadpanning is what breaks you, making your eyes tear away from the screen that’s rapidly losing your attention at this point

jungkook smiles meekly at your giggle, seeing you tilt your head to playfully taunt him

“oh so i’m kissing you? you’re not kissing me?”

hee-hee

“that’s my plan,” he says surely, putting his hand on top of yours before scooching much closer to you than he did before

“mhmm. sure.”

jungkook smiles in victory when you agree, drumming his fingers on your knee in anticipation

..... nothing’s happening

........ THERE YOU ARE AGAIN

your eyes are back on the tv but it’s obvious that you aren’t focused on the movie that’s playing, a playful glint more than evident

jungkook’s not annoyed but he’s definitely on his toes, jostling you by your arms to get your attention

“just kiss me! are you gonna make me beg at this point??” he frowns in waiting, quickly getting antsy with all your harmless teasing

“can you beg, jungkook?”

you ask dryly with the same playful air in your tone, the sudden return of the question to his court making him double-take

his eyes have considerably widened with what you just playfully and harmlessly asked him, cheeks pink with the teasing

“you’re so impatient. i was gonna kiss you anyway, y’know?”

jungkook shies away from your trained gaze on him but meets it intensely when he feels a weight on his lap

you’ve transferred seats from the couch to his lap, your bum placed on his thighs instead of his crotch so you would be able to give him some leeway with all of this being his first

if jungkook was flustered before then he’s probably burning now, eyes only focused on you that’s meant for him

he’s not quite sure what to do with his hands so he follows his split-second decision of putting them on your thighs since the rest of your legs are placed behind his back, seeing to it that he was already slouching on the couch in the first place

you smile in appreciation when he does, his once-awkward hands in your thighs now becoming natural with the reassurance

jungkook looks so gentle

he’s so delicate even when you’re all clothed in pajamas and you’re the one who’s sitting on his lap, so careful to the point that he doesn’t want to move to preserve the moment

you tangle your hand on his hair to card through it more smoothly, making him tense as he takes it as signal

“i-i close my eyes, right?”

he asks nervously to which you nod to understandingly, carding through his hair more to get him to relax a little bit

wait actually the mental image of jungkook being O_O when you kiss him almost makes you cackle out loud which is why you hide your face on his neck

oblivious to you trying to contain your laughter, jungkook’s gotten even mORE tense because your face is buried on his neck

-_-

^ that instead of of o_O !!! yeah much better

IT’S OKAY IT’S OKAY YOU’RE NOT LAUGHING NOW!!!

jungkook’s waiting for you to make the first move and he looks both flushed and pale at the same time, feeling apologetic for having made him that way

“let me kiss you first. you’ll have a feel for it once i do, okay?” you speak as soothingly as possible, making him nod in understanding so you’d know

“relax, baby. you just complement me,” your hands rub up and down his arms that are exposed since he’s wearing a shirt instead of a hoodie this time, trying to get him loose

“y-you’re really perfect and i love you.”

jungkook trips over his words but he means them nonetheless, mouth contorting both in confusion and amusement when you grin at him

god, jungkook’s so endearing :(((

“i meant complement the way i kiss and not compliment me, kook,” you chuckle and he sheepishly reddens at his misunderstanding, his mind being taken away from it when you kiss his cheek. “but that’s okay. i love you too.”

“it’s just me. relax.”

you scratch that special spot behind his ear that gets him to calm down and all pliable, having noticed it first when you hugged him for the first time and buried your head on his neck, rendering him mush in your arms right away

jungkook’s relaxed enough that he doesn’t feel like fainting when your face is this close to his, going a little cross-eyed with how lovestruck he is for you

and then you lean in.

jungkook almost pANICS but the way you hold him gets him to be soft instantly, the unnecessary worry in his mind melting away immediately

he practically croons in satisfaction when the taste of you hits his tongue and engulfs him fully, eyelids closing in pure ease with the delight he feels

you taste so sweet and perfect that jungkook finds himself chasing after your kiss, unconscious to the fact he’s really kissing you now

his head angles when you tilt yours and the taste of your lips hits him harder this time that he grunts before he moans inaudibly, melting even deeper when you tug his hair softly

jungkook’s looking for more that he scowlS (!!) when you pull away with an amused look on your face,

“you’re supposed to breathe, jungkook.”

“you’re kissing me and i don’t know how to breathe!!!! i literally don’t know if i can!!!”

he’s only noticing nOW that he wasn’t breathing before because of the way his chest rises and falls heavily, cheeks all hot and his neck flushing

“don’t they teach breathing and shit in stem?” you ask playfully that earns you a soft yet amused glare, a pout being sent your way. “try breathing, baby.”

you lean once more and this time it’s easier, taking it slow to get jungkook used to kissing AND breathing simultaneously

he’s easily overwhelmed with the taste of your lips and not to mention the fact that you’re seated on his lap!!!!!

the rhythmic caresses of your thumb on his cheek guides him to breathe, the fact that jungkook’s a quick learner now dawning on you

“good job, baby.”

jungkook’s grinning at the praise you give him, feeling as if those words aren’t the last that you’re gonna tell him

“now try kissing me.”

...

..... oh god there it is

jungkook looks nervous and calculating even, the overwhelment present in his gaze and he’s looking at your neck instead of your face

you’re just about to tell him it’s okay and climb off his lap when jungkook takes you off-guard and tugs you down, lips meeting yours wholly in eagerness that you lowly moan before you even know it

you’re tugging softly on his hair and it spurs him on to try and taste you even deeper, pulling on the front of your shirt to get you closer

this time, you feel like yOU’RE not breathing rip

“your lips are getting puffy.”

you point out to jungkook who has some sweat sticking to his forehead even if your dorm’s fully airconditioned

a frown goes in place of the same red and puffy lips that you’ve just pointed out, the sheer eagerness of jungkook shooting straight both to your ego and your heart

“they’re not puffy enough.”

jungkook looks blissfully fucked out and you’ve only kissed him now.

tonight’s only for his first time kissing and jungkook deems it insufficient that he’s only had the heart to kiss you tonight, soft and slow kisses on your jaw that render you surprised, kissing you by the line until you look at him fully

“kiss me more.”

it’s their first miscellaneous drabble!! as always, lmk what you think :D what do you want to see from the lunchbox lovers next? send them here <3

#stem koo #stem koo misc.#jungkook imagine #jungkook oneshot #jungkook oneshots #jungkook au #jungkook drabble #jungkook writing #jungkook x reader #jungkook x y/n #jungkook fic #jungkook college au #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #jungkoook scenario

394 notes · View notes

whoree321 · 3 years

Text

the bad batch + olivia rodrigo songs

this is kinda super angsty and i didn’t necessarily mean for it to be but also idk what i expected. omega’s is cute but everyone else’s just got more sad the more I wrote lmaoooooo

Hunter: happier

hunter is def the kind of guy after a break up that wants things to be on good terms and genuinely does want to see the other person happy

like i think hunter is the most likely to want to stay friends after a break up

but he also has that pride and ego of not wanting to be replaced or wanting the next person to be better than him

he would be really torn between sincerely wanting the best for them and also battling his own discomfort and insecurity/jealousy at actually seeing them be happy without him

the balance between maturity/respect and that petty need to “win” a breakup would be tricky for hunter to manage

i feel like this song perfectly captures post break up hunter like “i hope you’re happy but don’t be happier” that’s really truly how he’d feel

Crosshair: favorite crime

i think that if crosshair got to a point in a relationship where he really cared about the other person and then they broke up he would feel very much this song

like i know the obvious choice might seem like “good 4 u” like edgy and angsty but I don’t think he would feel so aggressively angry as he would feel just really melancholy about it

like crosshair isn’t the type of guy to have meaningful relationships that he puts his heart into so if he did put himself out there and open his heart up so much he’s not gonna be able to just shut it down (even though he def will act like he doesn’t care at all even a little bit)

he’s gonna feel hurt and taken advantage of by the other person but he’s also gonna blame himself for being so vulnerable and opening himself up to that hurt

like i really feel like in the bridge where its like "everything we broke and all the trouble that we made / but i say that i hate you with a smile on my face / oh look what we became" is very crosshair. thats the bittersweetness he would feel towards someone he really loved that ended up hurting him

Tech: deja vu

this is so tech bc it is really a thorough, itemized, fuck you list

like i feel like it would be very tech to pinpoint all the parts of an ex’s new relationship that they reused from their relationship with him and just be like “hm. interesting. a big fat phony. how does that feel? to be a phony? just asking for a friend”

and that’s also something that would hurt him the most. like knowing that that person had experiences with him and learned things from/with him that he thought were meaningful and then they just go share all of it with someone else? that would be tough for him to take

the lines that specifically give me tech are in the one chorus where it’s like “that was our place / I found it first / I made the jokes you tell to her / when she’s with you” and also in the bridge when it’s like “play her piano but she doesn’t know / that I was the one who taught you billy joel”

i could just see him having detailed notes of his favorite moments of his relationship with that person (like specifically things they learned together or taught each other, new experiences they had together, etc) and then gradually having to sadly mark down when one of them has been used with someone else

it would be a really prolonged hurt knowing how much he valued those things and thought they were special and how much the other person just didn’t think that at all and continuously drives that point home

Wrecker: 1 step forward, 3 steps back

i feel wrecker here in this song bc i think of all the bad batch he is one of the most likely to really drag out a rough relationship in the hopes that it gets better

and I don’t mean that in a shady way at all. but I think crosshair’s self-preservation would kick in, tech would turn to logic and numbers and determine the costs outweigh the benefits and it’s no longer a fruitful relationship, and hunter and echo would have a weird honor code of like “I cannot allow our relationship to cause pain any longer”

but wrecker

wrecker would just be so head over heels and desperate to go back to good times bc he just loves so fully and completely. he falls fast and hard and it would be difficult for him to accept that a once-happy relationship just isn’t salvageable

the line that gets me is really in the chorus like “do you love me, want me, hate me / boy I don’t understand” bc I think that’s exactly how he would feel

wrecker would just be so sad and confused and he would know things were going wrong but it would just be such a whirlwind and he would want it to work out so much that he would let himself stay in an unhappy situation for too long

Echo: traitor

echo is an extremely loyal person and he values loyalty in a relationship so much

when he loves someone and dedicates himself to someone, it is really hard to break that bond. he will stick by them through almost anything

one of the few things that is unforgivable in a relationship to him tho is infidelity. so the hurt and anger in this song I think is something he would really feel in a relationship that ended in a similar situation

like if echo’s s/o was unfaithful to him, even if they didn’t technically cheat on him, it would really cut him to the bone. he couldn’t imagine doing that to someone else and I think he would feel that betrayal from them really deeply

the line in this one that sold it is in the last chorus when she changes it a little and goes “you gave me your word / but that didn’t matter”. like the way she says it is so hurt and that’s how he would feel

losing someone he cared about would really sting for echo (he’s already lost so much), but losing them bc they betrayed his trust, knowing that he really believed in them and he really thought they were someone he could put his faith in and then being wrong? it would be devastating to him

Omega: brutal

this song really captures that chaotic panic of being young and coming into yourself and the world

i think omega is a little young at this point to be feeling a lot of this just yet, but when those teenage hormones and angst settle in this one is gonna hit different for her

it’s just a really good depiction of that like self-consciousness and anxiety of adolescence where you’re so hyper-aware of your flaws and you feel like everyone is looking at you and judging you all the time

and in omega’s position, I imagine when she enters that time in her life it’s gonna feel pretty intense. you can already tell she feels some of it just bc of her life situation and experiences but once you add in the normal hormones and psychological changes it’s gonna be crazy

the most omega line in this song is when she goes “i’m so tired that i might / quit my job start a new life / and they’d all be so disappointed / cause who am i if not exploited?”

LIKE THATS LITERALLY HER @ THE KAMINOANS IN THE FIRST EPISODE THATS BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED

basically it would be her teeny bopper anthem and i love it for her

106 notes · View notes

iamthenightcolormeblack · 3 years

Text

Thornfield Hall in Jane Eyre (hyper-simplified)

Random thoughts here on this symbol (also could serve as essay help). Feel free to correct me if anything's wrong, maybe add on stuff in fancier language because I'm too tired to do a detailed literary analysis here.

1. Thornfield as a Gothic literary element:

It's a spooky house that looks medieval and is mysterious! Therefore it's definitely gothic!

The significance of houses in Gothic literature: "the past never really goes away;" after all the history of the houses (hundreds of years old) makes them links to the past. The persistence of the houses over many generations is a reminder of the insignificance of human endeavors in the face of time/nature/the universe.

When the houses fall apart & deteriorate it's a representation of the consequences of sin (moral decay). Thornfield getting burned can be seen as punishment for Rochester's sin of locking up his wife and also for his everyday action of lying and deceiving people so he can run away from his dirty secrets.

Houses are representations of the soul; the outside is like the facade one puts on in polite society, while the inside contains the true person (the secrets!) that is hidden from society.

2. Thornfield as a representation of Rochester's character:

The source of Rochester's power and wealth (Rochester owns the house and all the money earned from the estate comes to him and he's an eligible bachelor because he's rich).

Forbidding on the outside but pretty cozy inside (unless you are the madwoman imprisoned in the attic). Mirrors how Rochester is mean but has a heart.

"'I like Thornfield, its antiquity, its retirement, its old crow-trees and thorn-trees, its grey facade, and lines of dark windows...how long have I abhorred the very thought of it, shunned it like a great plague-house?'"

Rochester has a love-hate relationship with the house: he gains comfort from its long history (which is a source of pride as it ensures his position as a gentleman with a treasured family home to maintain) but also hates it because it keeps all his secrets (the madwoman in the attic who "haunts" the house; her escapes and "hauntings" challenge his power over his surroundings).

3. Thornfield as a representation of British society:

Again, the house is the source of Rochester's power and wealth. Thus there's a hierarchy in the house to preserve his power:

The hierarchy (from top to bottom): Rochester, the housekeeper, the servants, and Jane, who exists in between the hierarchy (doesn't have a definite "place" because she's got the education of an aristocrat but is pretty much an employee who depends on Rochester paying her and of course Rochester can fire her easily).

Mrs. Fairfax the housekeeper enforces the social hierarchy when showing concern/disapproving of Rochester flirting with Jane (because masters usually use the governesses for sexual gratification; they don't defy social norms by marrying the governess). But of course we love that she shows some genuine concern for Jane when telling her to be careful because men can be abusive (unfortunately so true).

Every day she resides in the house Jane is reminded of her low social position as a servant to a master. After all, the room and board could be taken away from her at any time.

Bertha's imprisonment in the house is like the status of colonies in the British Empire: exploited for raw resources to enrich the mother country and then left to languish in poverty. After all, Rochester married Bertha for her wealth (to preserve Thornfield and keep the money in the family) and when she became insane he locked her up in his home. That's the marriage in highly simplified terms: from Rochester's side, he was deceived into marrying Bertha for her money and because he was sexually infatuated with her good looks he married her without question and regretted it because Bertha immediately cheated on him, emotionally abused everyone, and also had inherited mental illness from her mother. After trying to live with her for 5 years, he locked her in Thornfield because she was violent and would certainly have died in a mental asylum (because the mentally ill were treated very badly back then). One can argue it was necessary to lock Bertha up because she was violent and posed a threat to Rochester's life (and he thought he was nice to her because he didn't let her die even though he could have; how perverted are those morals) but all the same hiding her existence from the world (while having a human being locked up) is highly unethical.

But all the same, social boundaries are defied at Thornfield. Jane gets shocked when Rochester treats her as a friend from the beginning of their relationship by letting her speak to him (after she's been told all her life to remain silent by those in authority). Because this is Rochester's home he can break social norms (flirt with the governess) without facing the consequences.

4. Thornfield as a home:

"Wherever you are is my home--my only home."

Thornfield becomes home for Jane because she finds kindness there. Specifically, she finds a "family" there, since the people she serves under care for her (ex. she gets larger meals than the starvation diet she received at Lowood boarding school, Mrs. Fairfax gives Jane wise advice after Rochester's proposal). From the beginning, Rochester seems to treat Jane as his friend because he comes close to telling her his secrets and lets her talk to him. When she falls in love with Rochester she develops an attachment to Thornfield as part of her attachment to him.

"Heart-weary and soul-withered, you come home after years of voluntary banishment: you make a new acquaintance...you find in this stranger much of the good and bright qualities which you have sought for twenty years, and never before encountered; and they are all fresh, healthy, without soil and without taint. Such society revives, regenerates: you feel better days come back—higher wishes, purer feelings..."

Rochester has to return to Thornfield (home) to rest and recharge from the ravages of his hedonistic lifestyle. And when he discovers his One True Love there he definitely doesn't want to leave....

Home is a starting point for Rochester to redeem his morals. By returning to the place of his birth he wants to start a second life where he can forget about his degraded past and be revived (and saved) through the love of his "angel" Jane (who refuses to play that role). Kinda reminds me of Virginia Woolf's "Angel of the House" -- women as portrayed by men (they are morally pure, take care of the home and are passive beings whose main purpose is to raise good children and redeem the souls of men through their goodness).

5. Thornfield as a prison:

Remember how houses are links to the past? Rochester has to run away from Thornfield often because first he locked up his wife there and it reminds him of his selfish father and brother who deceived him into marrying Bertha! Plus the house is a reminder of his responsibility as a landowner to maintain it and he doesn't like responsibility (as shown by his hedonism).

Jane is trapped there because she can't leave without Rochester's permission (see the money scene where she literally has to ask him to leave to see her dying aunt and he demonstrates his power over her by showing her his cash while she reveals how little money she has). After all, her governess position as another form of servitude.

@appleinducedsleep @thatvermilionflycatcher

#jane eyre #mr rochester #edward x jane #edward rochester

74 notes · View notes

ootahime · 3 years

Text

what is utahime’s role in the future? — a prediction (manga spoilers)

part 2 (unedited)

part 1 is here!

let’s continue answering the question: is utahime weak?

chapter 135

what preparations is utahime making? like i’ve mentioned before, i theorize that she needs to charge up in order to use her technique. since momo and the other kyoto students are fighting on the front line to buy time for utahime, i believe that they trust that their teacher’s ability can help turn the situation around.

what do the students think of her? do they think she’s weak?

chapter 128

mechamaru manipulates the circumstances in a way that allow him to keep the kyoto people away from danger. this has more to do with how much he cares about his classmates and his teacher rather than seeing them as incompetent sorcerers who can’t hold their own. notice how he says “EVEN utahime”.

chapter 128

kamo thinks mechamaru doesn’t have that much faith in the Kyoto students—but this isn’t true at all! he knows who the enemy is and has a grasp of how dangerous they are. he just wants to keep his friends safe. besides, kamo is a semi-grade 1 sorcerer which means he’s more than capable of defending himself against curses. but since he’s being kept safe too, it suggests that this is not a matter of keeping weak people away from fighting :)

chapter 41

this seems a bit off topic but let’s talk about the misogyny in jujutsu society. momo points out to nobara that the women from the zenin clan are expected to be perfect. the misogyny runs so deep to the point where some women aren’t allowed to even fight. you may think that this is just about the zenin clan but it’s about society as a whole. that’s why nobara responds to momo in a more personal sense. she doesn’t care about the boys versus girls issue because she embraces all aspects of herself. she loves herself when she’s strong, and she loves herself when she’s dressed up and beautiful. if it only applied to the zenin family then nobara wouldn’t have responded the way she did.

in the chapter before, nishimiya explains, “even if a girl has skills, if she’s not cute, she’s looked down upon. of course, if she’s only cute with no skill, it’s the same. women sorcerers aren’t expected to be skilled, they’re expected to be perfect.”

some of the female characters in jujutsu kaisen apply to this. for example, maki and mai. they’re looked down upon because one can’t use a cursed technique or see curses, while the other’s cursed technique is weak. in chapter 148(?) naoya says the only thing maki had going for her was her face, but it’s ruined now so she’s nothing. the zenin twins fall under the “cute but not skilled” category in jujutsu society. before we can put utahime into a category, let’s examine mei.

i promise this will all connect so please bear with me LOLLL let’s move on to mei. we find out that mei has the ability to control crows. she deems this ability as weak because it’s simple and doesn’t have much attack or defense power.

she convinces herself that a sorcerer’s worth doesn’t revolve around their CT. by following this ideal, she soon found herself at her limit because you can only hone your physical abilities to an extent. she said she was crushed because she thought that her weak CT would forever stunt her ability to grow as a sorcerer. but because of all the training she did in order to not rely on her CT, she was able to combine her physical prowess with her technique to make what’s best of her ability to control crows.

mei is an example of a perfect woman based on the standards the jujutsu world has established for women. although she has a weak technique, she makes up for it with adept use of weapons and physical prowess. she found a way to incorporate this “weak” ability to make it something strong. she’s beautiful and powerful so therefore, she was promoted to be a grade 1 sorcerer. she is what a woman is expected to be in order to be acknowledged by others.

what about utahime? why couldn’t she follow the same footsteps as mei?

i can’t answer that because we don’t really know much about utahime so far. i can only speculate why. being a grade 2 sorcerer at 20 is not bad at all. but why is she stuck as a semi-grade 1 sorcerer at 31? that surely proves she’s just weak, right?

semi-grade 1 sorcerers are sorcerers who have performed well on missions with a person accompanying them. i feel like when utahime was on a mission to exorcise a grade 1 curse on her own (the final step of the grade 1 promotion process), something happened that gave her her scar and made her unable to fulfill the mission. it’s either that or she did complete the mission but her appearance is too unsatisfactory. can you recall what nishimiya said? if you’re cute and not skilled, you’re not good enough. if you’re not cute and skilled, you’re still not good enough.

in men, scars are a symbol of honor and strength. on the other hand, scars on a woman’s face are seen as an imperfection. as a result, those who are scarred are deemed imperfect and unsuitable for marriage.

gojo hates the way things are run because the higher ups are so close-minded. they make decisions on a whim and have no compassion for sorcerers who are breaking their backs on their orders. he wants to change jujutsu society for the better by raising the next generation of sorcerers to be as strong as him. the old-fashioned and narrow-minded attitude of the higher ups leads me to believe that utahime is stuck as a semi-grade 1 sorcerer because she is viewed as imperfect. utahime’s scar is most likely the reason contributing to her being held back. who would want to promote a woman who isn’t beautiful enough to be a grade 1 sorcerer?

she obviously has a lot to offer because she’s a teacher at Kyoto. todo, a grade 1 sorcerer, has never shown any sign of disrespect towards utahime despite the fact that he surpassed her in rankings. he trusts in her and believes she has some things she can teach him.

can we additionally address the fact that gojo respects mei? he refers to her as mei-san and says that there’s no way she’d cry because she’s strong. mei has a weak technique though? 🤔🤔🤔 controlling crows?!?!?! nah im jk, mei is strong with and without her technique, of course. since gojo respects someone like mei, a person who doesn’t have an out-of-this-world technique, i believe his view of someone strong isn’t solely based on their technique. when he calls utahime weak, he may not be insulting her CT. it’s just all jokes because in chapter 65, geto and mei join in on the fun too and pick on her. mr. hot shot knows that utahime is a valuable asset to his plans so he entrusts her with the task of unearthing the traitor(s). if she was so incapable of such a thing, why did he pay mei to do the same job? 🤔

*a lot of people think mei was actually paid by gojo to promote his students but that’s incorrect. it goes against everything gojo advocates for. he wants his kids to enjoy their youth because his was taken away. being a sorcerer is not a smooth job and no matter how many years you’re in the profession, it never gets easier. he doesn’t wish for his students to be thrust in a world full of hardship and loss, which is why he was so against yuuji and yuta’s execution. he works hard to preserve the innocence of his students. he doesn’t want yuji’s heart to break, not even once. why would he pay mei to promote his students to grade 1? that would automatically strip them of their innocence and youth and push them into a world full of burden and pain.

PHEW that was long. how does this all tie back to utahime’s future role in the story?

her CT will probably come in clutch in an important battle

she might be the one to help get gojo out the box (A REACH i know)

she will help gojo with his plan to overthrow and change jujutsu society as a whole

i don’t really have to dive into the first bullet point. as for the second one, look at what i found!

in the second opening, utahime is seen searching for something in a dim forest.

*i read an analysis about opening 2 and apparently this just symbolizes her looking for the traitors. that makes sense too.

in chapter 144, this scenery pops up right before they enter master tengen’s base(?) the branches are thicker than in the opening but it gives the same vibes to me. i think utahime will be the one to break gojo out.

why utahime? well, gojo is their best shot at stabilizing whatever the fuck is going on right now. she knows it’s a crime to unseal him, but she wants her students to be safe so she’ll probably risk it. plus, gojo’s flashback starts with him breaking utahime and mei out of a building with a barrier. i think utahime breaking gojo out of the prison realm will make a perfect parallel :3

that theory is a massive ass pull I KNOW. it’s just fun to think about. it’s likely that kurusu hana will be the one helping yuuji and megumi out with that.

if utahime isn’t the one freeing gojo, she will definitely come face to face with the other traitors.

ive read numerous Reddit threads and tons of users think she’ll play a small role in the story—nothing too significant. i’m perfectly content with that as well. i never expected her to be gojo level or anything like that LMAOO. as long as we get to see her technique in action, i will be satisfied 😮‍💨

——

i feel like there may be a few things i missed but i tried to include everything i could think of. the organization of this post is quite off but im too lazy to rearrange it in a way that makes it more coherent LOL. thank you so much for reading. ill probably analyze gojo and utahime’s interactions in the manga and anime next :-)

#gojohime #gouta #gojo x utahime

133 notes · View notes

jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

Text

Sun and Fun (S2, E12)

I can’t believe FOX has cancelled this absolute masterpiece of a show. I’m devastated. I’d like to think we’ll get picked up by another network for season 3 but I’m a pessimist and I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’ll be hanging around the fandom either way though.

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:20 - Malcolm losing it in Martin’s cell? *chef’s kiss*. 1) excellent performance by Tom. 2) This is the Malcolm mental health content I subscribed for. This is Malcolm feeling overwhelmed, helpless, worthless, and frustrated all at the same time. This. Is. Wonderful. And. Realistic. This is what overwhelming anxiety (especially if you have an anxiety disorder) can feel like. It builds and builds until all of a sudden you’re consumed with all this nervous energy and frustration and it all turns to rage in an instant. But you’re not angry at other people. You don’t want to hurt anyone. That rage is just self hatred because you hate that you feel this broken and your stupid brain won’t function normally.

0:33 - annnnd then when the excess nervous energy is spent but that feeling of self-hatred, despair, and fear still remains - you’re physically exhausted and 7/10. times you cry. Again, crying because of how stupid you feel for your little rage outburst, for how stupid you feel for feeling this terrible all the time. Malcolm is depicting a severe anxiety episode perfectly (in my experience) and THIS is why FOX is moronic for cancelling the show. The gorgeous and accurate depictions of mental health in Prodigal Son is unprecedented, truthful, and heartbreaking. It’s like nothing else on television.

0:50 - This kind of hurts. Look at how cautiously Dani enters the room. Almost as if Malcolm is a wild animal she doesn’t want to scare. It makes sense given the state of the room she just entered and how completely openly and uncharacteristically vulnerable Malcolm is. I will say this though, despite how cautious she is, it’s obvious that she cares about Malcolm more than whatever happened before she walked into the room.

1:03 - “So all eyes are on his head case son right?” This line is a direct quote from Malcolm’s anxiety disorder and depression. This is how you feel about yourself when in the middle of an anxiety episode when you’re also depressed. BUT OUR GIRL DANI!!! <3 This girl looks confused and concerned to hear Malcolm diss himself like that. The fact that she tries to comfort him when he’s in this state, makes her an absolutely A++ friend.

1:11 - “No one cares about that.” “I CARE. I can’t live like this.” This scene resonates with me so so so much. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been 100% aware of how irrational my anxieties are and simultaneously 100% unable to do a damn thing about it because I’m too scared of who I’d be without the fear. Because I’ve defined myself by my anxieties for so long that it’s become the only definable element of my personality visible to me. I’m getting that vibe from Malcolm. I’m sure that’s exactly how he’s feeling right now.

1:30 - “That’s not what scares you. What scares you is living the rest of your life without your father in it.” Dani knows and I felt personally called out. THIS EMOTIONAL WHUMP IS GIVING ME LIFE. <3

1:39 - Look at our floppy haired, devastated boy. :( <3 I’m genuinely shook that he didn’t have a full mental breakdown this episode (but it’s coming....it’s inevitable at this point :) ). ALSO the look of absolute love and concern Dani is shooting towards Malcolm? Absolutely perfect. <3

1:51 - I genuinely find it so interesting that Malcolm keeps referring to “The Surgeon” as “Martin”. If you read my thoughts on 2x11 you know I think it’s because Malcolm has separated ‘Martin Whitly’ into three separate people in his head. “The Surgeon” = the serial killer who traumatized him and ruined his childhood. “Dad/Father” = the man who loved and cared for baby!Malcolm. But “Martin” = unknown. Malcolm doesn’t know who Martin is yet and it scares him.

1:58 - “For once in your life slow down and acknowledge what this is doing to you.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this line. So. So. SO. MUCH. <3 <3 This is the kind of comfort Malcolm needs. SOMEONE needs to tell him that he’s breaking, it’s not his fault, and he doesn’t deserve to suffer for Martin.

2:07 - annnnnnd Malcolm has gone full crazy-person string murder board. He’s right but he’s still acting like a manic crazy person. Like, a real one. Not his usual manic behaviour. This is straight up - this boy needs medication, a nap, therapy, and a doctor. Now.

2:34 - Ugh. This whole cop/Vivian scene made my skin crawl. So gross. So creepy. I hate Capshaw. So much. This woman is manipulative, evil, and so so creepy. The cop was also gross. But I 100% thought she was going to kill the cop because this felt like an opening scene to Criminal Minds.

4:38 - “THEY WERE HAVING SEX.” hhahahahahahaha holy shit. This is both hilarious and really upsetting (not just because Martin/Capshaw is NASTY). Malcolm is manically, yelling about his theories in a room full of people who love him. He sounds crazy. He’s acting crazy and Dani, JT, and Gil are just staring at him with a mixture of disbelief, concern, and sympathy. <3 It’s heartbreaking. Malcolm is an inch away from a mental breakdown. I’m here for it.

4:49 - “TMI bro.” <3

5:05 - Ugh. This breaks my heart. The team doesn’t think Malcolm is crazy. They just know he’s at the end of his rope. The looks they’re exchanging aren’t based in anger, contempt, or a lack of trust. They’re based in concern and I LOVE IT.

5:21 - LOOK AT OUR BABY. He’s breaking. He’s so close. :( Look at how desperate he is to find Martin.

5:35 - “That’s exactly what it means.” “Gil, please. You know how much I need this.” THIS HURTS. Gil isn’t angry here - he’s frustrated and scared for Malcolm. And Malcolm? This boy is toeing the line of a full breakdown in front of 3 of his favourite people - that’s out of character for him. Despite the shaking hand and general mania - Malcolm usually refrains from raising his voice in front of Dani and JT. He tries to stay calm-ish so he doesn’t get labelled as ‘violent’ like his serial killer father.

5:39 - “StOp. I am scared.” Dani knew exactly how to diffuse the situation. Malcolm can be manipulative and dysfunctional but he never wants to scare people (at least, not unless they’re suspects or obstructing justice).

5:46 - “I’m not ordering you this time. I’m begging you.” Papa!Gil’s seen Malcolm like this before. SO WHY IS NO ONE HUGGING MALCOLM?!?! The boy is clearly coming apart at the seams.

5:48 - Malcolm’s reaction to Gil sending him home is gorgeous. He looks sad, betrayed, and resigned. It’s as though he’s convinced himself that the team doesn’t trust him or care about him anymore. He doesn’t walk out angry. He walks out sad and determined. Head held high but eyes full of grief.

5:54 - I’d give anything to have heard the conversation between Dani, JT, and Gil after Malcolm left the room. ANYTHING.

6:02 - “He thinks I’m a liability.” No. Not exactly. He thinks Malcolm is in the throws of a mental health crisis and that he shouldn’t be responsible for catching his serial killer father. Again.

6:15 - “I support Gil’s decision. That does not mean I want your father dead.” #coparenting but also, true. I honestly don’t think Jessica wants Martin dead. I think she wants Ainsley and Malcolm to be happy and free from Martin but not dead. She knows that Malcolm might never recover from Martin’s death with all of his unanswered questions and suppressed childhood trauma. She also knows that Ainsley would always resent being prevented from bonding with her father. I think Jessica still loves Martin - well, the man she thought she married. Jessica doesn’t care for Martin Whitly. But she loves the man he pretended to be and even though she knows he wasn’t real - she doesn’t want him to die. I think she wants him to disappear (maybe get transferred to a prison in a different state?) but she doesn’t want him dead. That would make her no better than the serial killer (in Jessica’s mind anyways).

6:25 - “You have become consumed by this Malcolm.” Check out the side eyed look Ainsley gives Malcolm. She’s jealous. Her brother is on the verge of a mental breakdown but she’s jealous of the attention he’s getting from Jessica. I get it - Jessica hasn’t been the best mom to Ainsley. BUT GIRL, gain some perspective. Don’t you care about your brother?!?! That should trump the jealousy for a few minutes at least.

6:35 - “I love you.” <3 <3 <3 I’m going to cry. This might be my favourite Jessica+Malcolm moment to date. So precious.

6:43 - THIS. “I love you. Both of you. More than I hate him.” This is why Jessica doesn’t want Martin dead.....but she also doesn’t care if he lives. I know that sounds like a contradiction but it’s a real thing and if you’ve never felt that way about someone - I pray you never have to.

7:06 - “Then she’s a victim.” .....I disagree. Capshaw had a (weird and manipulative) consensual relationship with Martin. She has as much of an agenda as Martin (although, Jessica didn’t know that here). Capshaw isn’t a victim. She’s not being compliant with Martin as a form of self-preservation or fear. She’s doing it because she’s a manipulative crazy person who is in love with a convicted serial killer.

7:45 - I’ve never felt this unsettled while watching Prodigal Son. Capshaw showing her true colours is so so so disturbing. This woman is insane (with all the stigma). The dress. The martini (Jessica’s favourite drink?). The fact that she dressed Martin up in a suit. The music. The weirdly elegant wheelchair. The lovey way she’s talking. It all makes my skin crawl.

8:33 - OMG. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel bad for Martin Whitly?!?!?!

9:55 - JESSICA AND MALCOLM doing a rich person ambush tag-team IS AMAZING. <3

9:57- How sad is this? 23 years and Jessica still can’t walk into a room without people whispering and judging her behind her back. :( This woman keeps her head held high - despite the pain she must be in - she’s a superhero. Change my mind.

10:30 - "Malcolm Whitly? You're.." I have this headcanon that the general public assumes Malcolm is dead. He changed his last name and fell off the grid. People treat Jessica like a social pariah so she wouldn't be able to tell them otherwise. And sure, Ainsley referred to Malcolm in the present tense during her Surgeon interview but how many people actually watched it actually paid attention to that little tidbit after Martin went full blown psychopath on camera? Plus, no one really cares about the Surgeon's son enough to look him up 23 years later. At least, no one who matters.

11:25 - Like mother, like son. You can't change my mind. They have the same manipulation style. It's justice based and determined. Ainsley and Martin's style? Vindictive and self-serving.

11:30 - Oh look. ANOTHER CONTINUITY ERROR. WHO PROOFREADS THESE SCRIPTS?!? I CAN’T KEEP OVERLOOKING THESE. For God’s sake. Send copies of the script to fans who sign NDAs or something. At least we know what happened in previous episodes.

12:33 - "Gross." I'm with Ainsley on this one.

12:45 - "My assistant." "Long suffering". hahahha omg. I love this for two reasons: 1) it's hilarious 2) it's true. Malcolm literally disposed of a body for Ainsley. He's her assistant and he's suffered for it.

13:05 - Yo. This dude is whack. Like this is some serious Stockholm's syndrome going on here. Vivian is his hero?!? .........I can't.

13:55 - Why do the gifts Vivian sends Zeiger look like human bones? Damn this is twisted. This is like some sort of twisted serial killer pseudo-trophy situation?

14:52 - "I don't think Vivian is the victim here. I think our father is." Yikes. This is not going to help Malcolm's mental stability. At all. He's been trying to fully accept that his father is a serial killing monster who was literally never capable of loving him for the past 23 years. BUT NOW our boy has taken the role of 'good son' (prodigal son is you will) and has returned to his 10 year old mentality "I love dad. Dad loves me." and 'dad' is in trouble. Malcolm is trying to save his serial killer father and the emotional and mental hoops he's jumping through are terrifying, complex, and hauntingly realistic. <3 It's gorgeous.

15:04 - "I'm not used to this type of confinement." I love this line because of how deeply it rings true. Martin isn't used to confinement. Sure, he's been chained to a wall for 23 years but he's been relatively happy about it. He's been able to manipulate Malcolm and the other inmates. He's been given TV time, phone time, consultations, books, music, free food, and a massive private cell (seriously that cell is as big as the bachelor's suite I rent for $900 CAD a month). The man has been living a life of luxury (given his crimes). His only 'punishment'? He's stuck inside his cell and he's not allowed to kill anymore. THIS is Martin truly suffering. I kind of feel bad for him (which I never thought I'd say).

15:20 - Damn. Michael Sheen is incredible. He's genuinely making me feel concerned and scared for Martin.

15:32 - Something tells me a man hurt Capshaw in some way throughout her life. This has to be deeper than the whole "I didn't fit into the 'boys club' of surgery". Her issues with men are aggressive and alarming. This woman is nuts. This woman is why I hesitate to call myself a feminist (I generally think we should drop the titles of feminist/misogynist/racist/homophobe... and just treat people with respect. I think the titles and groups just further divide people.)

15:50 - "You're finally free." Yep. Capshaw is a nutcase. She actually believes that she's committed a perfect crime.

16:09 - This place has virtually no furniture but I’m expected to believe someone is paying the phone bill?!?! Nah.

17:08 - That. Smile. This woman is a devil. Like, I think I hate her as much as I hate Umbridge. But unlike Umbridge, Capshaw is downright terrifying.

17:12 - Was anyone else kind of surprised that Martin called Jessica? I mean, I guess she was a safer choice than the cops but still...

17:20 - As creepy and this whole ‘Martin is a victim’ thing is - it’s kind of nice? Like - I just keep thinking “How does it feel Martin?!?! This is how you made your victims feel. Do you like it?” and then I realize I’m a terrible person.

17:55 - Ainsley’s in on this. I swear, she’s somehow involved with either Capshaw or Martin.

18:18 - Oh look. Martin is shackled to the bed. Just like Malcolm shackles himself to bed so he can sleep every night. .....I keep oscillating between being vindictive toward Martin and feeling bad for him. That’s what makes this show incredible. The ‘villain’ is human and 3 dimensional.

18:44 - Oh God. The psychopath is jealous. This woman is UNSTABLE. How has no one locked her up yet?!?

19:43 - She’s crying. She’s actually crying. Even the rewatch of this scene is painful. I just feel so uncomfortable (which was probably the intent) and I hate both characters. They’re both actively trying to manipulate each other and it’s so creepy. Damn.

20:15 - Holy. Shit. This woman is by far the scariest villain Prodigal Son has given us.

21:17 - ..............I have nothing to say. My brain has short circuited. I can’t get past how horrifying this scene is. She’s a maniac.

21:57 - No one will make eye contact with Malcolm. :( They all think he’s losing it but they’re not scared of him. They’re scared for him.

22:10 - “A trusted member of my team has a theory I run it down.” THANK YOU GIL. SUBTLY TELL MALCOLM THAT YOU TRUST HIM. That’s what he needed to hear. He was doubting that anyone cared. :(

22:45 - “Do you HeAr yourself?!?” Ouch. Gil’s right - Malcolm sounds nuts. Unfortunately, Malcolm’s also right (more or less). Look at how sad Malcolm is - he honestly looks like he’s on the verge of a panic attack. :( Malcolm thinks Gil doesn’t trust him anymore. Malcolm thinks Gil thinks he’s crazy. It’s heartbreaking. SOMEONE HUG THIS LITTLE CINNAMON ROLL.

22:54 - JT, buddy. Not the time. You’re making this worse. :( Malcolm is two breaths away from crying.

23:40 - “Dani, you up for this? Cause he sure isn’t.” Gil is losing it. Look at him. Gil is watching the boy he considers as his son unravel and Gil can’t do anything about it.

23:45 - “Either way, he’s going there. I’ll keep an eye on him.” I love Dani for this. Brightwell or not - the fact that she’s willing to chase smoke in an attempt to keep Malcolm from having a full mental breakdown makes her a hero.

23:48 - JT, hug Gil! He needs a hug!

24:16 - Martin is screaming while shackled to a bed.....where have I seen this before?

25:39 - “I did this for you because you needed it.”....”Dani, I respect you.” Excuse me while I go sob in the corner. Malcolm just uttered the words “I respect you.” and my heart exploded.

26:11 - “You don’t care. None of you care if my father lives or dies.” No, Malcolm, you’re wrong. They care. They all care so so much. Not about the life of the Martin Whitly though. They care about how Martin Whitly will continue to torment you if he’s caught alive. They care about how badly you’ll grieve if he ends up dying. They care about how this will affect YOU. because they love you.

26:22 - “You would be free.” SAY IT LOUDER DANI! He’d be in enormous pain for a while, but Malcolm would heal.

26:56 - “Let him go, Malcolm.” <3 <3 Malcolm is listening to Dani. He’s opening up about his fears. This is good (for Malcolm’s mental health). I am happy.

27:04 - WOW BABY! That kiss was......passionate? I mean, we all knew they were going to kiss (thanks previews) but I honestly didn’t expect a kiss this long or passionate? They’ve both been clearly denying their feelings for each other for a while though so I guess it makes sense?

27:20 - We all know Dani was going to talk about how they could make a relationship work for them and/or how she loves Malcolm but thinks he should focus on his mental health before they start dating. BUT MALCOLM? That boy thinks he just ruined his friendship with Dani and I’m heartbroken. Look at his sad little face. :(

28:31 - sooooo when exactly did Malcolm’s phone call drop? I feel like Ainsley had more access to the conversation that just what she shares with Dani in a couple of minutes.

29:08 - Look at this sad, scared little boy. He genuinely thinks that saving Martin will earn Martin’s love. I’m heartbroken.

29:22 - THIS. Malcolm is so desperate for Martin’s love that he essentially consented to being kidnapped, tortured, and potentially murdered. :( This is bad.

30:06 - Malcolm took unknown drugs from a crazy person. UGH. The stress of loving this unstable man-child is going to kill me. I’m so worried for him. ALSO WHO THE HELL CHEWS PILLS?!?! That’s disgusting.

30:24 - Dani thinks Malcolm is being a typical guy - terrified of relationships/talking about his feelings. She’s hurt. The Brightwell ship has encountered another storm.

30:35 - Anyone else get major flashbacks to 1x11 when Gil shows up to the townhouse to tell Jessica that Malcolm’s been kidnapped? You know, when he walks past all the reporters?!

30:50 - Ugh. :( Poor Jessica. That call from Capshaw gave her quite the emotional dilemma. As she said earlier, she loves her children more than she hates Martin. Soooo does she tell someone about the call, save Martin, and let Martin continue to torment her children? Or does she let Capshaw kill Martin, compromise her morals, let her children grieve for a while - but ultimately heal? It’s an impossible choice.

31:13 - “I know why you’re anxious Jess.” UGH. Get yourself a man you looks at you the way Gil look at Jessica. So much love. So much concern. If Gil wasn’t fictional and I wasn’t asexual (and 24) I would marry that man.

31:23 - “He has become convinced that his father is a victim in all of this.” Gil is so upset. He’s angry - at Martin for having this much power over Malcolm so many years later. He’s angry that Malcolm is still suffering so much because of his father. He’s upset because Martin is still hurting the people Gil loves 23 years after he was initially arrested.

31:33 - “There’s no good outcome here Jess.” Thank you. Gil is a man with awareness into Malcolm’s psyche. He knows this is going to hurt Malcolm no matter what happens. He’s scared and he’s bracing himself for impact. I love him. I want more people in the world who love people this deeply.

31:50 - “It’s okay to hope for that you know.” THANK YOU GIL. THANK YOU. Someone needed to tell Jessica that she’s not a monster for wanting the reason her children continue to suffer to disappear (even if tha means he dies). It’s not a malicious, evil thought toward Martin. It’s a hope for her children’s wellbeing.

32:04 - “And in my weaker moments, I want him dead too.” <3 I’m imagining Gil praying that Martin is killed by an inmate after he comforts a teenage Malcolm from a nightmare. I’m imagining Gil praying Riker’s finally kills Martin as he watched Malcolm spiral into Martin’s grasp again last year. I’m imagining Gil crying himself to sleep because he’s so damn tired of watching Jessica and Malcolm suffer because of Martin. I love him for it. <3

32:15 - “Maybe things could be different.” .....I’m sorry. Does this mean Gillica is off again?! The flirting and dancing from 2x9 meant nothing?!? It was a hoax?!? I’m furious.

32:35 - “It’s the actions that matter.” Damn. Gil is too good for the nonsense that is the Whitly family. Doesn’t he know that life isn’t always that simple?

32:46 - Annnnnd now Jessica will convince herself that she’s a bad person because she didn’t tell anyone about Capshaw’s call. She will also convince herself that she’s not good enought for Gil. AND I will cry myself to sleep.

32:55 - That hug <3 Sooooo Gillica is still on? I’m hella confused.

33:05 - There it is. Dani is still upset with Malcolm. The Brightwell ship is taking in water my dudes.

33:52 - Wow. He looks pretty in that makeshift hospital bed. Sleeves rolled up. Shirt half unbuttoned. Glazed, disoriented look about him as he wakes from a drugged sleep. <3 I’m in heaven.

34:30 - This is why Malcolm can never let Martin go. There are moments when Martin absolutely convinces Malcolm that he loves him.

34:50 - “Because he also happens to be my father.” THIS. IS. THE. MOST. REALISTIC. PORTRAYAL. OF. ABUSIVE. DADDY. ISSUES. Take from someone who lived through an abusive Dad. You hate him. You know he’s messed up. You don’t like or respect him. But a part of you will always love him. Even though you hate that part of yourself.

35:12 - “I want all of you.” .....I’m terrified. This woman is crazy. Crazier than the Surgeon. Is that possible?

36:05 - “You want him to love you. But he can’t.” Have you said that to yourself Malcolm? You know that logically but you don’t feel that in your heart. ....and the writers don’t know that because we’ve seen that Martin loves Malcolm? Sort of? Unless the writers are playing some sort of weird long con on us.

36:50 - This is whump content I signed up for. This crazy bitch just killed Malcolm. We saw the terror in his eyes. BUT HE LIVES. So. I’m. Here. For. It.

36:58 - Martin’s devotion to Malcolm is so so interesting to me. Martin is a psychopath - he’s not supposed to be capable of love. But he clearly loves Malcolm. How? Why? It makes no sense but I love it?

37:47 - Malcolm’s little wheeze when Vivian starts mitigating the embolism. <3 So cute.

37:53 - “I can do without the mansplaining.” I’m getting PTSD. There are too many real women who are this crazy about feminism and mansplaining (this is coming from a woman). Martin isn’t trying to ‘mansplain’ he’s scared and he’s trying to save his son. That’s not mansplaining. He’s not explaining something because he thinks Vivian doesn’t know it. He’s explaining something in a desperate attempt to remind her of the severity of the situation.

38:16 - HOW THE HELL did Ainsley and Dani know where Martin, Capshaw, and Malcolm were? Either 1) Ainsley is somehow working with Capshaw, or 2) they were able to trace Malcolm’s cell (assuming Capshaw didn’t trash it), or 3) Ainsley knew her mom was lying about that phone call and they had it traced?, or 4) this is a convenient plot thing.

38:34 - This bitch is devious and I hate her.

39:30 - Martin Whitly is the hero of the episode. What alternate reality are we living in?

41:15 - Malcolm struggling for breath. <3 The whumpers are being FED.

41:17 - “Run.” This is 23 years of guilt for turning his own father into the police surfacing.

41:31 - “Where’s my family?” I honestly don’t know how I feel about this line. It bothers me but I can’t figure out why.

41:43 - This ending sequence is a work of ART. Malcolm is in physical and emotional pain. Dani (without backup) trying to save Malcolm from Martin. The epic music. The shot of Dani seeing the blood-filled syringe next to the makeshift hospital bed+restraints. Martin Whitly. Driving. A. Boat. And. Laughing - completely elated - with Malcolm passed out (and looking adorable) in the aft seating. The fact that the ONLY house you can see on the shoreline is the house the just escaped from.

THIS EPISODE WAS EXCITING, STRESSFUL, AND WONDERFUL. I’m excited for the SEASON finale and I pray we get a season 3 from a network other than FOX.

34 notes · View notes

wokestraightpuffy · 3 years

Note

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER? the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I’m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever.

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO)

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

* she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot.

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

#captain puffy #tea speaks #god this is so long the brainrot is concerning ANYWAY #clownon

41 notes · View notes

fullmetalscullyy · 3 years

Text

never meant to change the fire in your eyes

idk what this is? it just came to me. i’ve been listening to this song since it was released and one of the lyrics stuck inside my mind. the lyric really reminded me of royai so after a year i’ve finally got something written down that goes with it. hope you enjoy <3

rated: t | words: 2020 | tags: kidnapping, rescue from kidnapping, hurt/comfort

read on ao3

never meant to change

the fire in your eyes

“Lieutenant?” His call holds as much authority as he can muster. His eyes scan the room dangerously, daring another assailant to jump out on him. There would be no mercy for them if they did. Not after what they’d done to his team.

There’s a muffled cry to his left. Roy’s head whips around and immediately he starts forward. Rounding the boxes stacked haphazardly, he comes across what he’d been looking for.

Or who.

Lieutenant Hawkeye is bound with cuffs and a gag in her mouth. There’s a red mark on her cheek from a blow that sets his body alight and turns his vision red. However she is not hopeless. Her eyes burn with indignation and ire as she rattles her wrist and jerks them, trying to break free from the restraints behind her back.

Swiftly and with a quick transmutation circle Roy sets her free. Once the gag is removed she coughs and scoffs in disgust. It looks clean but Roy is not completely sure. The thought makes him angrier.

“Bastards,” Hawkeye curses under her breath.

Eyes down, she looks at her red wrists and rubs them to ease some pain. Roy follows her gaze, but notices there’s something off. Her movements are jerky and so is her breath. She won’t look him in the eyes despite the fury he’d seen in them before.

“Hey,” he coaxes gently. His gloved hands reach forward and settle gently atop both of hers.

She flinches and it makes Roy’s stomach drop. But she doesn’t stop rubbing.

“Hey, Hawkeye?”

She still doesn’t lift her eyes. She huffs and sighs heavily but it’s shaky. Her body shudders with it. It unsettles Roy, making him wonder what exactly these people had done to her in the few short hours he’d pursued his kidnapped Lieutenant.

“Riza.”

This garners her attention. Her head jerks up and while her lips are pressed into a thin line her eyes are close to owlish and almost fearful. The fire is gone, fizzled out for the moment, now that she knows she’s safe and in good company.

Slowly Roy shifts his weight forward and grasps her chin with care. He’s pleased to notice Hawkeye lets him. She watches him silently, eyes begging for something, but Roy doesn’t know what.

“You’re all right,” he promises. “I’ve got you.”

Her head nods, a tiny movement, before another long sigh leaves her. Hawkeye’s eyes flutter closed and her body tips forward. Roy doesn’t care for propriety as he wraps his arms securely around her. It looks like she could use the support and he’s more than happy to provide it. With her face pressed into his jacket Roy works out the kinks in her hair, running his hands through it. Her clip has disappeared, and it leaves him crestfallen to notice that. It had been a gift. To calm himself and ward off thoughts of revenge against those who had left his dear Lieutenant so shaken, Roy tries to remember where he’d bought the hairpiece last time and wonders where he’d possibly be able to buy her a new one.

Hawkeye pulls away, now composed. Without a word he helps her to her feet. He had no idea how she was faring but getting to her feet seemed promising. However, with past experience, he remembers how she’s one to shoulder and bury everything to get through, leaving it to deal with once she’s alone. For her sake, Roy hopes it is the former, that she is finally calm and ready, and not the latter. Regardless, he’d be right beside her to help. The question was whether she’d let him.

His hand gently grips her elbow, and he holds out his other hand for her to take. She can refuse if she wants to, but he still wanted to offer.

Her fingers slide in between his. A comforting weight. Roy gives them a squeeze as they begin to walk.

“Let’s get out of here,” he offers.

“Home?”

Roy’s lips purse. He wants her to see a doctor, but he knows he cannot force her.

“Wherever you’d like to go,” he replies.

Hawkeye nods and confirms that she’d just like to go home. The team is outside the building standing guard and waiting on an ambulance arriving. Roy had ordered it, just in case. Thankfully, it may not need to be used, however still he hopes it will appear in time for them exiting. Hawkeye may not like it, but she wouldn’t fight if the medics rushed to check her over.

They take the metal steps to the ground floor slowly. He holds on tight and remains as close as he can for support. They’re silent as they move but once they’re halfway down, Hawkeye speaks and breaks the silence between them.

“You’re not even supposed to be here,” she scolds him quietly, but her knees shake and her body falters. Instinctively his hold tightens to catch her as she falls but once Roy realises the gravity of such a reaction his fingers grip onto her even tighter.

“You okay –?”

“Fine.”

Her reply is curt, and Roy thinks her bravado will be her downfall. Unhappy, he sighs quietly but lets it go for now. There’s no point arguing when she’s as shaken as she is. It’s barely noticeable. She hides it well. However the way her hands tremble gives her away immediately to him.

“Don’t ask me not to interfere when I know your life is in danger,” he replies to her reprimand.

As they take their time to walk down the steps she glances over at him out the side of her eye.

“After finding out what they’re after, the whole point was to keep your involvement hidden –”

“Again,” he interrupts, holding onto her tighter, “do not ask me to sit back and dismiss you and your welfare.” He turns his head to look at her, directly into her eyes. “I could never do such a thing.”

In an action that is so like her, Hawkeye sighs and shakes her head. She’s always looking out for him and his image, putting herself second. It irks him. That should never be the case. It’s in her character, burrowed deep into the marrow of her bones, especially after her actions in Ishval. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

Roy hates it.

“You watch my back,” he murmurs quietly, tipping his head so he’s almost speaking into her hair, “and I watch yours.”

He’s daring but he doesn’t care. Ever so gently, Roy presses a kiss against the side of her head. He needs to do it as much as she needs to hear it.

“I keep you safe,” she counters. Her argumentative tone has disappeared and in its place is one that’s softer. “So you can go on. For us both.”

“I cannot go on without you, Riza.”

It’s a risky declaration, but he’s in the mood for it. After discovering she was kidnapped for possibly having ties with flame alchemy, all bets were off. The men were looking for anything to go on, and who better to “ask” than the adjutant and close confidant of the Flame Alchemist himself?

He will accept the responsibility for this and shoulder the guilt, swallowing it deep inside of him with the rest. Because she didn’t deserve this. It had left her completely unsettled – which caused Roy’s anxiety and alarm to skyrocket – and seeing the result of it makes him feel even worse.

“I’m sorry if all of this was a reminder of –”

“It wasn’t.”

She fights him, again. His frustration swells inside his chest, but he lets it go once more. He’s too relieved that she’s all right to muster any kind of fight against her.

“Did they ask or find anything?”

Hawkeye lifts an eyebrow in derision. “As if I would give anything away, sir.”

“I –” Roy swallows his shame and embarrassment. “I know,” he quickly reassures. “I didn’t mean to –” He huffs to himself. “I’m sorry, that’s not how I intended that to come across. Did they…” He struggles to find the right words. “Did they do anything?”

His breath is held tightly inside his lungs. He cannot let it free until he knows the answer. His exhale would either be fraught with fury or relief.

Understanding his question, Hawkeye shakes her head.

His exhale leaves him in a rush.

“Nothing,” she replies. “Nothing apart from a grilling about the alchemy and restraining me.”

His muscles tense because how dare they tie her up like they did.

“I’m sorry it happened to you,” he mumbles as they descend the last step, “it shouldn’t have.”

In response, Hawkeye is silent because what can she reply? Roy expects none but he needed to voice his thoughts.

It’s a loaded apology, both for the events that had transpired today and those that had occurred when she was a child. That damned tattoo on her back had been a burden from the start, but now it still had the potential to cause problems. Even after the agonising steps they’d taken together to hide and destroy it.

Roy’s eyes flutter closed briefly, cursing Berthold Hawkeye for his lack of forethought and desperation to preserve his work.

“They reminded me of him,” she whispers in admittance.

Her father.

She inhales, long and deep. “There was that same madness, that same look in their eyes…” She shudders and his heart breaks.

“I’m sorry.”

Despite the assurances he knew would be coming, Roy still feels miserable because of her revelation. Regardless of whether the tattoo was a choice or forced upon her, it had affected her life completely. It had been put in place so her father could pass his work onto someone she trusted. Berthold probably knew it would be going to Roy because there was no one else in her life.

He could have just told him, Roy thinks angrily. It hurts to think about. She’d been used as a pawn in someone else’s game for his sake.

Roy has always thought Hawkeye should be somewhere where she could be happy, far away from him and the destructive events that cling to and follow him like a poisonous fog. He can’t help but mourn the life she could have had. The life she deserves. There should be a million miles between them, a distance where Roy and his reputation can’t hurt her.

“I’m okay,” she reassures, but Roy is stuck inside his head. He cannot help but doubt her.

“Roy?”

“I’ve caused you nothing but bother again,” he breathes. “I never meant for my actions and desires to drag you down with me. Ever.”

“That’s not your responsibility,” she shakes her head. “It’s my choice to follow you and I do it more than willingly.”

“But this is my responsibility.” His voice is hoarse as he looks down at the ground in shame and sorrow.

“Never.”

The simplicity of the word drags him from the confines of his mind. He risks a glance at her, afraid of what he’ll see. But her expression is open and patient. There’s an understanding there because they are so alike after all they’ve gone through. Both too stubborn and both hypocrites. They preach the other should not blame themselves, and they shoulder the world for them instead. They cannot and refuse to follow their own advice.

“I’m okay,” she stresses.

Roy’s grip tightens on her, subconsciously holding her closer. “Are you sure?”

Hawkeye nods. “It’s all in the past. It’s all been dealt with. It was just a momentary shock.” Her eyes look into his. “I’m fine now,” she promises. “You found me,” she adds, as if that were the only solution she required to make her feel better.

A shuddering breath leaves him.

“I always will,” he vows.

A soft sigh passes by her lips. Ever so slightly, she leans into him. He removes the hand from her elbow and wraps it around her back instead to pull her close to his side. With him supporting her they walk out into the bright sunshine, seeing the medics already running across.

#royai #royai fanfic #royai fic #royai oneshot #emma writes #idek if it's good??#and i've tried something different with the tenses too which was p fun #this all stemmed from me wanting to write some comfort and my idea was literally just roy saying: it's ok i've got you #and this song #soft royai hours ppl bc i needed some comfort owo

87 notes · View notes

roccinan · 2 years

Note

writer ask meme, 9 and 21 :3 -- a.

Hello a.! Thanks for the ask <3

Writer Ask Meme

9. Favorite/least favorite tropes?

Ah, you've opened Pandora's Box here LOL. I have a lot of very specific tropes I love/hate, as well as some very general ones that I enjoy and don't enjoy. There are exceptions to everything, but I'll say this is pretty across the board for me.

Favorite tropes (general)!

I love that whole "character A keeps vigil over character B's sickbed" trope. Especially when combined with "character A wakes up to see character B looking like shit"- that's the GOOD stuff, and I fall for it every time.

Two characters opening up to each other about their pasts/flaws in all their hideous glory and accepting each other anyway

Accepting scars!

Outsider POVs

Best friends (or frenemies) to lovers, a good ol' bodyguard/guarded romance, slow burns

A tough, stoic, and/or arrogant character breaking down and showing vulnerability without losing their essence, and building themselves back up

Berlermo specific (there are so many of these that @nharidy and I might do a Bingo for our favorites some day asdadf I've narrowed down a lot here):

Martin taking a bullet for Andres LMAO. I thought I only liked it this way, but it turns out I enjoy it the other way around too. So just, them taking bullets for each other and/or stupidly shielding the other from harm

Martin seeing Sergio as a little brother and treating him as such, and Sergio seeing Martin as literal family too

Andres raised Sergio as a boy and is basically his second father; Alvaro suggested this hc and I will die with it

Andres strapping a watch on Martin’s wrist

Martin and Andres being such weird people that literally nobody besides themselves understands how their fucked up brains work

berlermo accepting each other unconditionally, but neither willing to be a complete doormat for the other

Martin being the asshole beloved of literally every man in his life until it comes to Andres, and suddenly he goes from being Bad Boy Heartbreaker to Gentle Lover

Torturing Martin by hurting Andres in front of him LMAO (and giving Andres zero sense of self-preservation just to add to Martin's misery)

Switching!

Least favorite tropes (general, but can apply to berlermo; and of course, there are exceptions- these are just my general feelings):

omegaverse

Dom/Sub outside of bedroom roleplay is usually unattractive to me; (I know I definitely did this with Roberto and Martin in substitution lol but I designed that relationship to "fail"). I'm very turned off when one character is overly submissive to another and always on the verge of crying, especially without believable reason.

When a story focuses so much on 1 character and overly sympathizes with them to the point that the other character in the ship just becomes a prop to them. I stop caring about character A's story once the author turns character B (and C, D, etc.) into the source of all A's problems, A's deus ex machina, A's emotional crutch, etc. Putting the focus on one character is one thing, but doing it at the expense of another is where I draw the line.

21. What aspect of your writing are you most proud of?

Answered here already! I'm kinda proud of the visuals in my stories :) And of course, all the Andres whump asdfasdf

#anonymous #thanks for the asks a.!

2 notes · View notes

arysthaeniru · 3 years

Note

...I hear you’re doing drabble giveaways? :) I would love some nishitani/majima!! I saw you wanted to write a nishitani lives au and i hope you end up doing it because I would love to see how you write them ❤️

Aaaahhhh, thank you for this request <3 I hope you enjoy this little snippet, I really like Nishitani’s dynamic with Majima, because it’s so much about temptation and vices and flagrant hedonism that makes Majima value himself more as a person. Nishitani’s whole shtick is about pleasure and when Majima of Yakuza 0 is convinced he doesn’t deserve that, it makes for an excellent dynamic.

Somehow Nishitani has found Club Sunshine. Majima notices him on one of their busiest days, on the tailend of dealing with a problem customer, who'd had issues with the quality of their champagne. He's cloistered himself in one of the back booths, entertained by Saki-chan.

Majima snaps to attention and rushes over to the booth, even though Saki hasn't made the hand signal for help yet. He snaps his fingers, once, twice. "Out." He says, shortly, and feels a slow curl of rage within him as Nishitani just turns to give Majima a once-over, slow and lingering, smirk spreading over his face.

"Majima-kun, I didn't think ya'd turn down a payin’ customer." Nishitani drawls, with a self-satisfied grin.

"Payin’ customer or not, yer trouble. Out." Majima snaps, stiffly.

Saki turns to look at Majima, anxiously, but she doesn't seem especially perturbed by Nishitani's presence. What is it about his charm where somehow, girls who dislike being taken for granted, are magically alright with Nishitani's presence? The girls at the Grand too, had been surprisingly unfazed by Nishitani breaking Majima's 'Look-Don't-Touch' rules. "Majima-san..." she says, in that tone that means she's worried about him.

"Ya all good here?" Majima asks Saki, gently. For all that she's a strong woman who is used to taking care of herself, Majima wants her to know she can rely on him to defuse anything uncomfortable for her.

"Don't be so paranoid, Majima-kun. We're getting along just fine!" Nishitani squeezes Saki's bicep, in an overly-friendly way, and Majima scowls when Saki just giggles, not even vaguely discomfited.

"Not talking ta you, am I? Shaddup."

"I'm fine, Majima-san." Saki says, with a sunny smile.

Majima grimaces to and turns his gaze on Nishitani. It's a busy night. He really can't insist on running Nishitani away, not if he's going to behave himself and get them money. He's got other girls to take care of. "One step outta line, and I call the police, pronto. Ya won't get ta fight me at all." Majima says, firmly, and turns on his heel to walk away, before he can get a response.

Inbetween getting refills for Yuki and towels for Erranda, Majima hears snippets of their conversation all evening.

"I like my lovers strong, intent. Makes everything more fun, ya know?" "Nothin’ draws the eye more than a girl who's confident in herself." "Gotta love somebody who can take care of 'emselves."

The whole time, Saki just laughs, handles herself with her usual graceful aplomb, steers the conversation in pleasant, easy directions, showing off her prowess as the former star of Club Jupiter, perfectly adept at handling rougher types.

Majima seethes, quietly and tries to not watch them, listen to them. But he can't help it. Whenever he has even a momentary breather, his peripheral senses can't help but turn towards Nishitani. He justifies it to himself as keeping an eye out for trouble, but if he's being really honest with himself, that's not the primary reason.

Majima's always been drawn to strength. It's the one thing that has always shaped his path, shaped his destiny. It had been what had drawn to him to Saejima, like a moth to the flame, in the middle of those Tokyo streets as a youth. It had been what convinced Majima to chain himself to Shimano’s yoke, get the man’s motifs and markings all over his back. It had been what made Majima so comfortable in Fei Hu’s shop, and so familiar with Lee’s rough approach. A mixture of sheer adrenaline, blood-thumping through his entire chest, a shot of courage, fury and wild chaos, and desire, slow and cloying, curling up in the pit of his stomach, making him light-headed and short of breath. Majima’s life has been defined and drawn around strength, power, desire, ambition.

And Nishitani’s powerful. He’d felt the surges of his strength, precision and cleverness throughout that short fight through the Grand’s centre-stage. If Majima had slipped even once, if Majima had been anything less than perfect, propelled by the fury of confusion, he would have died to Nishitani’s blade.

That shouldn’t be as much of a turn-on as it is.

Especially not when considering Nishitani’s about twenty years past his prime. He’s from the same generation as Shimano, Sagawa, those old fucks who’ve caged him in, trapped him down. With freckled sun-spots smattered over wrinkling skin, and touches of grey to the roots of his hair, and his scarred, calloused hands, Majima shouldn’t be drawn to him in that way. Old, pervy fucker, he should represent everything Majima hates most about the generation of yakuza above him.

But he can’t help it. Nishitani’s presence is like a livewire, electrifying, dangerous, addictive. And Majima couldn’t look away, even if he wanted to.

When the evening shift draws to a close, Majima leaves Youda and Yuki to be in charge of wiping down the place and saying goodbye to the last of the customers. He dips out for a smoke instead, to try and gain control of his fraying nerves, to pull himself back into a modicum of calm. He can’t lose himself in this.

He’s not yakuza anymore. Just a man desperately trying to stay alive long enough to let Saejima kill him. And a man trying desperately to preserve any sense of goodness, keep that fragile spark of a girl safe inside that cold warehouse... none of him has room for Nishitani’s advances.

And yet...

“You ever consider lettin’ yer hair free, Majima-kun? Just for a moment?” Nishitani drawls, voice dangerously close to Majima’s. They’re outside the club now, and he’s not a paying customer anymore. That makes this interaction dangerous.

“No.” Majima says, puffing out a cool breeze of smoke straight into Nishitani’s face. The fucker doesn’t even flinch, just grins, that lightly mocking smile.

“Not even once? Shame that. Pretty things like you only gets better when they cut loose a little, live free.” Nishitani says, sauntering around to prop himself up over Majima, trapping him into the wall. It’s at once a threat of aggression, and a threat of something else, something more sensible. His hand comes in close, as if to caress Majima’s hair, but he stops just short of doing it, balances it against the wall instead.

Perhaps he senses Majima’s internal tension, perhaps he knows that Majima will deck him the moment Nishitani lays a hand on him. Or maybe it’s something like respect for Majima’s rules. (Majima dismisses that thought immediately, Nishitani wouldn’t know respect if it came up to him and sucked his dick.)

Despite himself, Majima swallows a little, as he takes another deep inhale of the cigarette. “The fuck do you want? I ain’t tellin’ you where Makoto is.”

Nishitani grins. From up close, Majima can smell the alcohol on his breath, whiskey, cigarettes and something else, a little deeper. It’s not exactly a good smell, but it’s a familiar smell, a comfortable smell. Nishitani is the epitome of the yakuza lifestyle that Majima had grown up desiring.

“Don’t worry, Majima-kun. I ain’t here for that today. Got a little proposition for ya, instead.” he says, licking his lips. Majima can’t look away from his mouth, the slight pinkness of his tongue against his surprisingly dark lips, and so he almost misses Nishitani’s next sentence. “Got a job I need ya ter do for me.”

Majima frowns. “The fuck would I do that for?”

“Issa job only you can do” Nishitani grins, and waggles his eyebrows. “Compensate ya handsomely, of course.”

Majima rolls his eyes, but honestly, for cash-money, he’ll do just about anything for anybody, short of prostitution. Anything to get his debt to Shimano and Sagawa square. “What?” he asks, pretending to be bored, pretending none of this interests him.

“There’s this gambling club I run that’s been real trouble, lately. Won’t listen to a damn word I say, and they seem to be squirreling some cash away, some big winnings they managed to poach from a pack of fools. Can’t have that sort of shit on my turf.” Nishitani says, with a casual ease. “I’d send my boys in, but ya see, someone seems ta have done a number on ‘em, and they look about as threatening as a flock of pigeons, all covered in bandages like they are.”

“You could do it yerself.” Majima says, gaze darting down to Nishitani’s feet. Just over the edge of his socks, Majima can see the bandages, and he’s noticed that Nishitani holds himself with a limp. He’s clearly still injured from their fight, when Majima had shoved his fucking knife right inbetween his tendons.

“I could, but ya see, they know my face. They’d gear up for trouble the moment I stepped within a five-foot vicinity. You on the other hand...” Nishitani leans in, that smug grin only getting bigger.

Majima snorts, before he can stop himself. “Ya say that like everybody in this town doesn’t know my face, too.”

“Lord of the Night.” Nishitani agrees, and his voice hums with approval. “But ya see, yer reputation precedes you. Everybody knows ya don’t start fights, ya end them. So if you started a fight at the gambling parlour, not a damn soul would expect it.” There’s a crazed glint to Nishitani’s eyes, reflecting off the neon signs from the bars around them, and Majima shouldn’t be considering this at all, but he is. The thought of going in and smashing heads of people who actually deserve it always gets Majima’s blood simmering. He can’t help himself. He’s a creature nurtured on a diet of violence, and the Hole has changed him. It shaped him in the image of its own cruelty, and Majima had let its madness into his soul, or he would never have lived to see the sunlight again.

Majima wonders what had made Nishitani this way.

“The fuck would I jeopardize my rep for? For you?” asks Majima, dangerously.

“I’ll owe ya one, just the pleasure of seein’ ya go crazy in there.” Nishitani says, leaning inwards, mouth just centimetres from Majima’s ear. “Whatever ya want, name it.”

Majima’s skin is alit with goosebumps, he feels like a leaf in the breeze, one touch would undo him, undo all of Majima’s tightly laced boundaries, would unravel everything that has kept him safe and alive. If Nishitani pressed even an inch closer, Majima would agree to just about anything he asked. And they both know it, it’s the electric spark between them, Nishitani’s complete understanding of how fragile everything about Majima’s existence is.

But Nishitani doesn’t touch him, just lets his breath caress the inner curve of Majima’s ear and pulls back, eyes glinting with maleficent amusement.

He wants Majima to make the step on his own. He wants Majima to come apart at his own behest. Fucking sadist.

“Well. Let me know. Ya know where ta find me.” Nishitani says, slow and languid. “Be seein’ ya, Majima-kun.”

He saunters away without a care in the world, and Majima lets the cigarette drop from his mouth and presses his back against the wall outside Club Sunshine, desperately trying to quell the fire within him that blazes in indignation at letting Nishitani just walk away from him.

#nishitani homare #majima goro #majima #yakuza #rgg #nishimaji #this was fun to write hehehehe

35 notes · View notes

in-christalone · 4 years

Note

Former homosexual is such an insult. I'm sorry that you have been caused to think like that. God loves everyone and love isn't a sin. If you went through conversion therapy than what they taught you is all just brain washing. Be true to yourself, if you were experimenting that is fine but former homosexual is an insult.

Hello friend! I’m so glad you sent this message in, you’re giving me a chance to explain in my own words what my conversion from a homosexual lifestyle to one of Christianity is like, thank you for that!

Being a person who is same sex attracted is not a sin. YOU are not a sin, a sinner, yes (as I am too, the worst kind) but you as a person, having same sex attractions, are not a sin.

What is sin?

Sin is cosmic treason against a Holy, Righteous God - Jonathan Edwards

We are not sinners because we sin. We sin because we are sinners. - R.C Sproul

Unfortunately the lgbt community (including myself at one point) had the thought since we are gay, we are therefore a sin. As such there’s no hope for redemption. So why not have fun while we live?

However, the actions/thoughts we do/have are sins.

God created the universe, Heavens, earth, animals, and He created us. He is our Creator! The whole world is proof of His existence, the Grand Canyon is proof of the flood for example! Sodom and Gomorrah to this day is still preserved in sulfur from God destroying the city for its wicked rebellion.

When Adam and Eve sinned, they fell into rebellion against God. We have inherited their sinful nature as we all come from them (they were the first humans, all humanity comes from them)

We have all sinned and fallen short to the glory of God. We’ve all broken the law of God and like the criminals of the Law that we are, we all deserve to be in hell for our transgressions and sins.

This isn’t the end though! We have hope!

There remains hope for the sinner! God is faithful and so merciful to forgive sinners!

He has provided only One way for a sinner to be forgiven of their sins, that’s only through Jesus Christ.

Right after The Fall, God told Adam and Eve in Genesis 3:15 His plan of redemption for humanity. We can be washed clean of our sins.

Our hearts are the problem, the Bible says;

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? —Jeremiah 17:9

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.. -Matthew 15:18-20

Where is our hope if this is the condition of our heart? How can we, who hate God, even come to love Him and His Law?

We can’t do it alone. God says in the Bible;

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.”— ‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭36:26-27‬ ‭

‬‬The Holy Spirit (which they text refers to) had always existed! He just has a new role now than in the Old Testament era.

The Holy Spirit is put within and only the believer. The Spirit convicts and causes the believer to repent of their sins, first comes spiritual rebirth, then the sinner is a believer and has received forgiveness of sins!

If we are guilty, how do we become free?

In order for a convicted criminal to walk free from their crimes, someone must pay.

We owe our lives to Jesus Christ for His death. His blood shed for our atonement, and equally important, He has taken the wrath of God, something we all deserve, and taken it all upon Himself when He suffered and died on the cross.

Only Jesus (Whom is God) lived a perfect, sinless life as a human, only Jesus was able to pay for our forgiveness of sins, only Jesus has taken the wrath of God for us, and only Jesus has defeated death once and for all.

This is all said to prove this Scripture;

“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:6‬ ‭‬‬

Jesus Christ is the promised Messiah of God through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus we have a perfect, sinless Savior. The Lamb of God slaughtered for our sins and resurrected for the promise of eternal life. Sin cannot be forgiven excepted by sacrifice.. This is why Jesus is the only way to heaven. As long as he has sacrificed himself for guilty centers, and had drunk the full cup of God’s wrath, and has been resurrected for the promise of eternal life.

In order to inherit eternal salvation, one must repent of their sinful living, and place all their hope in Jesus as their Savior.

——

Former homosexual is not an insult to me, it’s a hope that God has placed in me. That I am no longer bound by my past, that I now have hope in Jesus Christ who has redeemed me!

I have never been through conversion therapy, though I really do appreciate your concern, I don’t support conversion therapy in any way, shape or form.

I don’t believe in the hyper focus of one sin when we are all sinners, in need of God’s grace..

I would further challenge you to re-think “love is love”. If such is true, we would then have to accept anyone who feels love for say, their sibling, a young teenager and an adult, or even beastality. There must be a line drawn somewhere when it comes to the romantic type of love.

God created man and woman to be together in a family not to suppress us, but to help us live abundant lives, in fact, once we are adopted into the family of God, then we begin to see that the same is said for everyone of Gods Laws.

A family must have a mother and father influence.

Heather Barwick, whom was raised by two mothers, expresses her childhood, trauma, homosexuality, and deep desire for the father figure she never had in her life.

Heather writes, “I’m not saying that you can’t be good parents. You can. I had one of the best. I’m also not saying that being raised by straight parents means everything will turn out okay. We know there are so many different ways that the family unit can break down and cause kids to suffer: divorce, abandonment, infidelity, abuse, death, etc. But by and large, the best and most successful family structure is one in which kids are being raised by both their mother and father.”

Being same sex attracted is a temptation and therefore not a sin, but when one gives into temptation, they produce sin.

Anyone can be redeemed in Christ Jesus.

Thank you so much for allowing me to speak on this, I really appreciate the opportunity you’ve given me to share more about myself and what God has done in my life.

I have joy in my life, and am no longer held by fear of death. God has set me free, He loves you and desires to set you free as well 💛

#lgbt #pride #gay #lesbian #that took me an hour to formulate my response!!#i hope its okay!!

85 notes · View notes

minimitchell · 3 years

Text

benmitchellweek day 3 - “So none of it was real? You didn’t mean any of it?” (ao3 link)

“So none of it was real? You didn’t mean any of it?”

“Course not. I only said it to push you away, to protect you. I, I love you. With every fibre of my being.”

“Cut!”

Ben lets his hand fall away from Callum’s face, letting out a long sigh. It’s the sixth take they’re on and even he can tell that the scene is bad. And for once, he has to admit that it’s not just down to the ridiculously cheesy script but to him and his co-star.

Ben wasn’t averse to his new love interest being a man; he’s always played his character as very open-minded anyway and it’s definitely paying off in terms of promotion. The general public and the fans online are ecstatic about the representation and it’s proving to be a huge factor in drawing in audiences for the third and last part of the trilogy he’s starring in.

He’s loath to admit though, that a lot of that draw comes from the casting announcement of one Callum Highway.

Callum Highway, who apparently has quite some experience as a theatre actor and has built up a decent-sized following from being on some TV show - that’s according to Ben’s agent at least. Callum Highway, who’s supposed to play his love interest now. Only, the chemistry between them just isn’t there. Or rather, there is chemistry, it just really isn’t a romantic one.

It’s quite the opposite in fact.

Things had been fine at the screen test; they had gotten along great and there had been this unspoken draw between them. Their director Matt had been ecstatic and had casted Callum almost on the spot. But ever since they started filming things have taken a turn for the worse; they’re snapping at each other constantly, making snide remarks and only pretending to like each other for the press outings.

It’s even worse that Ben feels like absolute shit whenever he gives Callum a rude response and sees the flash of hurt in his eyes. He doesn’t even know how or why it started but the fact that he feels so bad about it all and has to think about it, and him, constantly just adds to his frustration.

Their director stands up from his chair behind the screens, ripping off his headset and rubbing his hands over his eyes.

“Alright, that’s it for the day. We’ll try this scene again tomorrow. You two better use tonight to practice. I want that scene perfect tomorrow and I want to actually feel like you two are madly in love with each other. Understand?”

They both murmur an affirmative, not brave enough to look their director in the eyes but instead glaring daggers at each other.

-----

It’s how they find themselves in Callum’s trailer later that night, going through the script again and again, trying and failing to get this scene right.

“You could at least try to make it seem like your character wants to be there with mine, you know.”

Callum throws his copy of the script on the little table beside them, running his hands over his face in frustration. It’s not working out any better than it did this afternoon; they’re still wooden and lacking any believable chemistry, and it’s setting both of their nerves on edge. They only have a couple of hours to get it right and Ben really doesn’t want to be the reason this movie is getting delayed.

“I can only work with what I’m given, alright.”

When Ben looks up from his own script, he sees Callum’s mouth dropping open, eyebrows knitting together. It was the wrong thing to say - again - that much is clear from the way Callum’s face morphs into anger, and Ben regrets it immediately. Him and his big mouth and penchant for lashing out at everyone around him.

“God, you’re so fucking full off yourself, aren’t you. You know, I was proper excited about working with you because you always seem so funny and charming in your interviews but it’s all just acting, isn’t it. You’re really just jealous and insecure.”

It’s the first time Callum has ever raised his voice or been outright rude to him and to be honest, Ben doesn’t like this. They hit a little too close to home; his words. His first instinct is to fight back, spit back words full of venom at Callum as well, but he can’t. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to hurt Callum; he never did.

It seems like Callum was also expecting him to give a retort back, because when Ben simply falls silent and looks at the ground, he immediately steps forward to apologize. Ben thinks he really is something else because he definitely deserved Callum going off on him and him saying sorry now just confirms that he’s a much better person than Ben could ever be.

“Ben, I’m so sorry.”

Ben tries to clear his throat and go back to business, but for some reason there’s a lump in his windpipe he can’t seem to swallow back down.

“Let’s just do the scene.”

“Hang on. I feel bad ab-”

“Let’s just do the damn scene, Callum, yeah. Let’s get this over with so we can finish this stupid movie.”

He’s getting louder now, his voice sounding more desperate than he intended to. This doesn’t happen to him, he doesn’t lose his cool over a guy, his co-star, who’s probably not even into guys. But his heart keeps screaming at him to reach out and touch Callum, to just fall into his arms and not care about the rest of the world.

But it’s not that easy. Callum just made it clear what he thinks of Ben and that he messed everything up beyond the point of fixing. And Ben does what he’s always done, what he’s come to know since he was a child, he pushes people away before they can detect any vulnerability and use it to their advantage. It doesn’t matter that Callum doesn’t seem like the type of guy to do that, his self-preservation is screaming at him to do it.

“Is it really that much of a chore for you to play with me? What did I ever do to you, Ben?”

It’s what breaks the dam. What makes everything Ben’s tried so hard to keep hidden and locked away since they’ve begun filming bubble over and break out of him.

“You know what? It is! It is a chore to see your stupid, pretty face every day, to hear your voice everywhere I go, to not get you out of my damn head. You’re always there, Callum, and I hate it. And even when you’re not there, I can’t stop thinking about you. So let’s just finish this movie so I can get over you.”

He regrets saying anything the second the words leave his mouth, watching Callum’s mouth drop open in astonishment. There’s complete silence between them, the eerie quiet of the otherwise abandoned movie set providing no background distraction, and all Ben can do is wait it out and deal with the fallout. The only silver lining is that the movie is almost done, so if Callum is about to reject him and throw him out of his trailer he at least only has a few more days and some press events to get through before he can start to repress this whole situation.

He doesn’t get thrown out. What ultimately happens is something entirely different. Callum moves forward, face hard and determined, both of his hands coming up to take Ben’s face securely in them, tilting his head up. Ben is trying to keep up with the situation but all of a sudden there are soft lips pressing against his - Callum’s lips.

No camera or crew or script to be found.

Ben’s kissing back instinctively, threading his fingers into the soft material of Callum’s hoodie. There are some desperate noises escaping his throat without his say but Callum answers one of them with a groan on his own so Ben feels less bad about them, slipping his tongue into Callum’s welcoming mouth.

When they eventually part again, their foreheads stay close against each other, small smiles on both of their faces.

“I wasn’t sure you liked men.”, Ben confesses quietly, trying to justify why he’s let this simmer until it eventually spewed out of him.

“I immediately said yes to this project. Because of you. I just wanted to get to know you.”

“We’re idiots, aren’t we. At least I am. I’m sorry.”

Callum seals their lips back together, one hand curling into Ben’s hair and the other running down his chest until it finds Ben’s, tangling their fingers together.

“Guess we don’t have to worry about chemistry anymore.”

#ballum #ballum fic #benmitchellweek2020 #bm2020 #my writing #ngl i don't like this one as much

34 notes · View notes