Tumgik
#i hate how no matter how much i stop eating i want be this skinny
Text
Welcome back to another round of “am I feeling terrible about myself because I’m a terrible person or because I stayed up too late again and my brain is spiraling”
9 notes · View notes
burnblaze204 · 26 days
Text
Sometimes I feel like my ed is fake. Like I don't know how to explain it. I can go for days without eating and feel fine, ignore food, distract myself and I can eat as little as possible but when I'm confronted with cravings or a friend/family member gives me food, I feel obligated to eat it and then all my progress goes down the drain and I start eating 3 meals a day and it makes me sick. But it feels like I just can't stop. Like I have a bad relationship with food. I hate it and I don't want to eat it but it's like I have this mentality of like if it's there then I'll eat it and it won't be there anymore and then I can start starving again and it's like a constant see-saw. Like I want to lose weight so bad and I want to be so skinny that my bones are showing and people worry about me but it just seems like I'm stuck on the same weight no matter what and I know it's because of my eating and then starving. And the thing is, I don't know how to keep my calories in check because I'm not the one in charge of cooking and I don't have much experience with calorie counting. Like I'm kind of rambling now, but it feels like I'm not me when I eat, like it's not me eating but someone else but once I'm done, I feel so guilty and sick after eating and then it's me and I ruined it all and I'm a fat pig and I don't know how have an ed. Like I love being hungry, I love the empty feeling in my stomach and feeling weak from not eating and seeing how my body looks and feels skinnier when I'm not eating but I don't know how not to fall into the trap of eating and it's making me go crazy. I don't even know if that made any sense. But I needed to get it off my chest.
469 notes · View notes
cillmequick · 3 months
Text
Tumblr media
Sorry this took ages - I started it before Christmas but then ended up writing a couple of unplanned festive stories instead. Thanks for your patience and for all the lovely comments on the previous parts 🤍 Happy new year! xx
Summary: It’s finally time for Cillian to leave for America.
Warnings: 🔞 Smut (obviously 🤭). Tiny bit of bad language. Mostly just silly emotional fluff. TW for weight loss and body image.
Word count: 2101 PART 3 | SERIES
Tumblr media
Part 4: Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow
Tumblr media
Christmas passed in a blur of tinsel and family gatherings. And even though everyone was still testing for covid on a regular basis - it was all a bit weird with a new variant on the rise - they managed to do all their planned get-togethers without incident. After spending Christmas 2020 just the two of them - an event that had been both decidedly depressing and then extremely inebriated - it was even more special for Y/N and Cillian to enjoy the festivities with their nearest and dearest.
The weeks that followed were busy with Cillian constantly on calls with Chris, dialect coaches and the costume design team, making a final trip to LA for meetings, fittings and make-up tests. He and Emily were both called to do a camera test for their ‘old Robert and Kitty’ looks and she sent Y/N hilarious a selfie of their ridiculous elderly faces. It had taken three times as long to do the camera test than intended, because he and Emily couldn’t stop bursting into giggles every time they looked at each other.
And when he was home he was holed up in the basement rehearsing on his own, practicing the Oppenheimer voice and mannerisms until he could produce them almost as naturally as his own. Y/N was well used to this routine, a regular occurrence when he was prepping for any role, but especially for Tommy Shelby. It amused her that even after all their years together, he still hated her (or anyone really) hearing him practice. So she would often creep quietly down from her office, not wanting to disturb him, to hear him intoning lines in that slightly strange accent, resonant of a time gone by.
He was away to scrapings by then too, barely half the man he used to be, physically speaking. Cuddling into his arms at night, desperate to be close to him as often as humanly possible until he left, she was acutely aware of just how slight he had become.
Which, she discovered, came with new hazards.
“Ouch,” she grumbled, scooting away from him as he shifted beside her, where they lay lazily on the sofa in the living room; the basement was so full of his work-related crap at this point that they had given up on trying to use it for relaxation.
“What’s the matter?” He frowned up at her, arms still open from where he had been hugging her, moments before.
“You tried to impale me on your hip-bone, skinny-mini,” she chuckled, rubbing her side as she shifted to lay between his legs instead, back against his chest, reaching back to run her hand through his hair. “The sooner you can start eating again, the better - you’re a much less comfortable bed these days.” He snorted quietly into her hair, pressing his lips against it.
“And,” she continued, wriggling around so she was lying on top of him, noses bumping lightly, “I can’t help but worry that one of these days I’m going to be too over-enthusiastic and snap you in half.”
He raised an eyebrow at her, fingers tangling in her waves as he gently massaged her scalp.
“Is that so? Think I can’t take you, d’ya?” The dark, cheeky glint in his eye sent a shiver straight to her core.
Whatever they had been watching on tv was immediately forgotten as she closed the gap between them, his tongue sneaking past her lips to explore her mouth. His hands fumbled with the comfy pyjama bottoms she had put on after work, tugging them down sharply, taking her underwear with them, swallowing her little gasp as the cooler air of the room swept over her bare skin.
Kicking them the rest of the way off as he pulled her into a sitting position in his lap, she ground down on his still clothed, hardening cock, whimpering at the friction. She tugged his upper layers from his body as he dragged hers off too, pulling her into him, revelling in being skin to skin.
“Right here?” she asked, whining needily as he pressed hot kisses down her sternum, circling her stiffening nipples with his thumbs.
“Right here,” he agreed, wrapping his lips around one of the little buds, her back arching into his mouth.
“They could wake up,” she mumbled, eyes flicking up to the ceiling towards where both her step-sons were asleep.
“Well then you’ll just have to be quiet.” He hooked two fingers into her already slick cunt and she buried her face in his neck to keep from crying out. “Christ, you’re already soaked,” he groaned appreciatively, grazing his fingers over the sweet spot inside that made her jolt in his arms.
If there was one thing weight loss couldn’t affect, it was his hands. And, as she ground down on the thick digits inside her, she thanked all available deities for this fact.
Pulling back to be eye to eye with him, she cupped his face, her breath already coming in quick pants.
“Fuck me.”
An order, not a request.
A low growl rumbled in his narrowed chest and he carefully pulled his fingers from her. Bringing them to her lips he watched with hooded eyes as she licked them clean before leaning in to let him taste herself on her tongue.
Quickly shoving his own trousers and boxers down enough for his cock to spring out, he wasted no time in swiping it through her folds and lowering her onto him. Her face contorted in pleasure as he stretched her open (mercifully another thing that his strict diet hadn’t affected) and her fingers curled into his hair, tugging not quite gently.
“Let me see what you’ve got, baby,” he teased, settling back with hands only lightly resting on her waist. “You think you can break me in half? Give me your best shot.”
Shaking her head at him with a chuckle, she rolled her hips experimentally, catching her lower lip between her teeth as it made him grind against her gspot. He groaned as the warm confines of her cunt fluttered around his erection. Her eyes slid shut as she rutted against him, every movement sending sparks shooting under her skin.
“You can do better than that,” he murmured, hissing softly as she took up his challenge and began to ride him properly. Her fingers knotted in his hair, her other hand on his shoulder for leverage as she quickly rose and fell, gliding slickly up and down on his cock. A light sheen of perspiration coated her skin and he dragged his tongue along her sternum, licking into the slight hollow at her throat, tasting her effort as she fucked him, her head thrown back in pleasure.
“Fuck.. Cill… I’m…” she whined, thighs burning with the effort and reminding her she really needed to spend more time at the gym. He wrapped his arms around her already quivering body, tangling his fingers in her hair to draw her mouth to his. Stealing her breath with a searing kiss, he couldn’t hold back from fucking up into her, hard and fast until she was wailing into his mouth, the tight velvet squeezing of her walls convulsing around him, dragging him over the edge with her.
As their bodies grew slack, clinging to one another, racing hearts hammering against each other’s chest, he pressed a kiss to her shoulder.
“Still in one piece,” he rasped out, feeling her lips curve into a smile against his neck.
“I suppose I’ll just have to keep trying,” she mumbled against his skin.
*****
And then finally there was only one night left to go before he got on a plane and said goodbye to Dublin for the next four months. They had the kids to stay for his last weekend and did all their favourite family things. Murphy Pizza Friday (Cillian had a salad and pretended he wasn’t jealous), watching movies and a playing particularly vicious round of Monopoly, in which Finn had a streak of extreme luck and ended in Eoin losing his rag and storming off. Which meant it was generally taken to be a resounding success.
For his last night at home though, it was just him and Y/N. She took the day off work and they spent most of it in bed, just luxuriating in each other, in a way they didn’t usually get the time to do these days. Eventually, a little dehydrated and pleasantly achey, they emerged to take the dog on a last walk together and then cooked dinner, the easy ebb and flow of conversation and one of Cillian’s playlists in the background.
Crawling back into bed later that night, she watched as he pottered about, gathering the final bits and pieces for his luggage. His car was coming at ten the next morning for an early afternoon flight to LA.
“Will you remind me to pack my charger in the morning?” he asked as he finally climbed in beside her.
“And your glasses, yes.” She immediately cuddled in next to him, head in the now more hollowy-hollow of his shoulder. She could feel his fingers threading through her hair and she tried not to let the welling emotions in her throat overwhelm her.
“Four weeks and you’ll be there,” he said quietly, reading her mind. He felt her nod as her fingers fiddled with the little patch of hair in the centre of his chest. “Just four weeks. It’s nothing.”
She gritted her teeth but couldn’t stop the tears spilling out, dripping onto his skin.
“Fuck, sorry,” she mumbled, rubbing the dampness away. “I don’t know why I’m being so silly. It’s only four weeks.”
He gently coaxed her to look at him, seeing her own feelings mirrored in his eyes, a bright sheen of unshed emotion in them.
“I’m going to miss you so fucking much,” he murmured, thumbing away another escaping tear from her cheek.
She nodded against his palm, reaching to pull his face towards hers, until their noses bumped and his forehead was touching her own.
“We’ve survived worse,” she whispered, closing the gap between their lips with a soft kiss. “And you won’t have time to miss me because Chris is going to work you into the ground,” she added, smiling as he chuckled quietly.
“I suspect that’s true.” He closed his eyes, the nagging fear of it all actually starting making his stomach churn. He’d gladly take another six months of prep.
“You are going to be brilliant, do you hear me?” She stroked her thumb over his cheekbone. “I’m so proud of you.”
He opened his eyes. “I haven’t done anything yet.”
She pulled back slightly so he could get the full effect of her eye-roll.
“Have you looked in a mirror lately? And do you think this house is soundproof? You think I don’t hear you practicing?” He hid his face with a groan and she ran a hand over his hair, left long so Chris could shoot him as young Oppenheimer first.
“You have worked so hard already, baby. This is just the next bit. You’re ready for this, I know you are. And I’ll see you in four weeks, yeah?”
He untucked to look at her again, smiling softly at him with those wide eyes that made him forget his own name.
“I love you so much,” he murmured, pulling her tighter against him, their legs tangling.
“I love you, too.” She let him catch her lips with his, tongue sneaking into her mouth, dancing with her own. Deepening this kiss, he pushed her gently onto her back, hand sliding between their bodies to cup her pussy through her underwear.
“Let me show you how much I’m going to miss you,” he mumbled, lips trailing down her throat, to her chest, pausing briefly to tease his tongue over her hardening nipples.
“I thought that’s what we spent earlier doing?” she giggled, gasping as he tugged her underwear down and wrapped his mouth around her clit.
“Do you want me to stop?” he grinned, flicking the point of his tongue over her clit, making her hips buck against his face.
“Fuck no,” she whined, burying her fingers in his hair and encouraging him back down, back arching as he sucked lightly on the sensitive little bundle. “I have to go without this for four whole weeks. I hope you weren’t expecting to sleep much tonight.”
He glanced up, pupils blown wide, lips full and shining with her arousal.
“I’ll sleep on the plane.”
Tumblr media
PART 5
Tumblr media
So the separation begins 🥺 Don’t worry, I’ve got a little something planned to help them cope 😉 As ever, I live for your comments so please so let me know what you thought in all the usual ways 🤍
🎅🏼You can read about their 2020 Christmas HERE🎄
Masterlists: CILLIAN | LOCKDOWN | MAIN
Tag list: @runnning-outof-time , @zablife , @gypsy-girl-08 , @look-at-the-soul , @buttercupsandboys , @notyour-valentine , @valentinabloom , @elliotshelbyjones , @shelbydelrey , @theshelbyclan , @theshelbyslimited , @pintofsweets , @flyingjosephine-blog , @christinasyellowflowers , @midnightmagpiemama , @l1-l4-deactivated20231226 , @allie131313 , @star017 , @lespendy , @heidimoreton , @dragons-are-my-favorite , @raincoffeeandfandoms , @cillianmxrphy , @alessioayla , @lyarr24 , @dumb-fawkin-bitch , @forgottenpeakywriter , @kittycatcait219 , @cybernuttragedy456 , @babaohhhriley , @watersquirtpewpewboomm , @stevie75 , @padfootdaredmetoo , @moral-terpitude , @shaddixlife , @peakyscillian , @majesticcmey (unable to tag) , @rangerelik , @guenievresworld , @margew76 , @camilleholland89 , @woofgocows , @cilliansangel (unable to tag) , @cljordan-imperium , @elenavampire21 , @elk96 , @scorpiussage , @cillixn , @esposadomd , @grapejuiceblues , @throughgoeshamilton , @polishcrazyone , @shjjpm , @duckybird101 , @maeleeme , @cillmeslowly , @kmc1989 , @nela-cutie , @magicalmushroom0 (unable to tag) , @86luvrs (unable to tag) , @imwithyoutiltheendofthelinebucky (unable to tag)
177 notes · View notes
evan4ever · 1 year
Note
can i request you to evan peters any character(or himself doesnt matter)x female has eating disorder he’s helping her like you know
I’m Here
Tumblr media
Warnings: please please read with caution!!! This may be very triggering. ED (anorexia). Please reach out if you need help, there are resources and I promise you’re not alone 🤍
a/n: I contemplated writing this for awhile because it’s a deep and hard topic, but I’m hoping I wrote this in a way for anyone who struggles with this to know that there is help and people care. I’m linking an ED hotline, called NEDA. You can always message me if you need someone to talk to. Please don’t go through this alone 🙏🏻
I’m having this take place after you and Kit are released from Briarcliff
It’s been weeks. Weeks since you touched your favorite food. Weeks since you’ve ate more than a single bite of any meal before you. Weeks since you haven’t felt sick.
When you and Kit had finally been let out of Briarcliff, things were finally good. Having formed a relationship with Kit all that time together in that place, it wasn’t a surprise that he had asked you to come home with him, to be with him forever. Neither of you could imagine being apart after surviving for your lives together. So, of course you happily accepted.
You moved into his home, you spent months fixing it up, he went back to his job as a mechanic and you got yourself a job at a local diner. You were happy, Kit was happy. It was a picture perfect story and you swore nothing would make you feel anything like you did in Briarcliff. How could it? That place was hell and now you were free and living peacefully with the love of your life.
But with all the happiness you felt came an increase in your weight. Kit’s too, but that never bothered you. You loved it, in fact. He looked healthy and you fed him good, which he loved. But your own weight gain was a problem for you.
It didn’t matter that you were gaining because you were in a healthy and happy relationship. All you could focus on was that the number was increasing. It didn’t help that being nearly starved in the asylum had obviously made you drop an unhealthy amount of weight. You looked sick then, but standing that day in front of the mirror and observing your new curves, your stomach pouch and larger arms — something snapped in you. You hated the way you looked and you wanted nothing more than to look like you had the day you left Briarcliff.
So, you stopped eating.
Of course you didn’t want Kit to notice your lack of food intake, so you managed to take a bite or two of supper when he’d come home from work and stir around the food on your plate managing to make it look emptier than when you or Kit made it. And anytime he happened to question anything, you told him you had ate quite a bit at breakfast or lunch and you weren’t very hungry. You always reassured him. And he always bought it.
Your interest in food slowly dissipated. You had no desire to eat anything at all. Though the nausea from an empty stomach hurt quite a bit, your own mind didn’t let it win the battle. At some point, it became painful to eat a bite at all, like you had finally trained your stomach to hate food as much as your mind did. It was a sick and painful battle, but the way your body started slimming out and the number on the scale began dropping faster and faster was exhilarating.
Your goal was to hit the weight you had been when you left Briarcliff, but once you hit that number — you still weren’t satisfied. You wanted to lose more. So instead of allowing yourself to begin eating more, a healthier amount, you didn’t. You continued not eating and the number continued dropping.
You were sure Kit had no idea. He never commented on your weight, when you were larger and even now at a smaller size. You truly expected him to notice and to love it. Boys loved skinny girls. So why wasn’t he complimenting your weight loss? By this point, it was more than noticeable. Even your coworkers were impressed and had told you that you looked amazing. But never Kit. He always complicated other things about you, how your hair looked, your sparkling eyes, the way you looked nice, but never the size of your body.
Little did you know, though, that Kit had taken notice. It began on one of his days off where he realized you hadn’t stem anything all day, and by supper time you gave him the same comment you always had — that you ate too much throughout the day, you just weren’t that hungry. He quickly caught on to what was happening, how your body wasn’t only slimming out but wearing away. When he’s hold you at night, it was nothing for his arm to wrap around you twice if it could. Your ribs and your hip bones were poking out so far that it was worrisome. Your skin began paling and your hair brittling. He noticed all of it.
Your energy was gone at this point. It took everything for you to do your daily tasks, it pained you to get out of bed. If you could lay forever, you would.
It was getting bad. You had lost control and you didn’t even mean to. Of course you weren’t intending to become sick and frail, but your mind took over and would not allow you to become healthy again. Eventually, you believed Kit just didn’t care. There was no way he couldn’t see that you were sick, yet he never said anything. It spines you further that the man you love couldn’t see that you made yourself skinny so that you’d be more attractive, so much so that your life was slipping from you slowly.
Today was Kit’s day off. You stayed in bed when he got up, pulling the comforter up under your chin and wrapping yourself in it because you were so cold. You heard Kit moving around in the living room and kitchen but didn’t care enough to even wonder what it was that he was doing. All you wanted to do was disappear into thin air.
“Baby?” You heard his voice as he entered the room, looking over the thick blanket at him. You gave him a smile as he walked to your side and sat next to you.
“Good morning babe” you hummed quietly, trying to seem okay even though you knew you weren’t. He gazed down at you and you realized it was a look of concern that was on his face. He wore a small smile, but his eyebrows were pushed together and his eyes looked sad. “What’s wrong?”
He blinked a few times before looking down at his hands, you eyes flickering down to them too and noticing the muffin he held in them. You sucked in a sharp breath before looking back up to him confused. He let out a sigh, his eyes still on the muffin.
“Will you eat this for me? It’s blueberry.. your favorite.” He spoke quietly, almost scared to have asked. You clenched your jaw and pushed your own eyebrows together as a silent battle went on in your head. He was right, blueberry was your favorite. An blueberry muffins were expensive, so you guys didn’t buy them often. And now, here was Kit, holding one for you.
You wanted to accept his request, you wanted to shove the whole muffin in your mouth and melt into the sweetness of it. But your mind said absolutely not.
“Mm babe..” you hummed again, resting your head back on the pillow and closing your eyes and you shot him a smile, “I’m not hungry yet. I’ve only barely woken up. I will later?” Your eyes opened to meet his that held even more sadness. Your stomach turned when he seemed unhappy with your answers. He never pushed further when you declined food before, so why was he now?
You watched as he set the muffin on the nightstand next to you, his hands falling back in his lap as they clasped together and he stared down at them. You sat in silence wondering what was going on, fixated on his unreadable stance.
“I think we need to take you to the hospital.” He stated so quietly you questioned if you heard him correctly. Blinking a few times, you sat yourself up in the bed quick to pull the covers up to hide your bones that showed. You were nervous now at his sudden change in behavior today and the thought of going to the hospital made your pulse speed up.
“What?” You laughed nervously, shaking your head as if you didn’t understand. “Why would I need to go to the hospital?”
Kit still hasn’t met your eyes while yours were placed on him firmly. Your nerves grew with every passing second.
“You’re sick, y/n.” He said, sucking in a noticeably shaky breath. Your confusion and worry increased with his seemingly sadness.
“I’m not.” You disagreed, shaking your head. A deeper sigh left from his mouth and his shoulders slumped more than they were before, your eyes noticing the repeated clench and unclench of his jaw bone. “Kit..”
“We can get you help. There’s people out there that want to help you. I want to help you.” He spoke his last sentence in a whisper, a tear dropping onto his cheek. Seeing it pulled at your heart, realizing that he knew what was going on and was scared for you. “If we don’t get you help, your heart is going to give out. You can’t continue down this path and…” he sucked in another sharp, shaky breath, “and I can’t live without you.”
His eyes finally flickered at you, more tears dripping from his eyes to his beet red cheeks. His eyes begged you, pleaded with you to hear him out. You, at a loss for words, only stared at the broken man in front of you. You had for so long believed he didn’t notice and didn’t care when all along he had. You quickly thought back to all the times he’d offered you food, your favorite foods specifically. All the times he bought your favorite take out even though he could barely afford it, yet you denied eating more than a bite. All this time, that was his way of trying to help you. The only way he knew how that wasn’t taking you to the hospital. Now, he knew he had no choice if he wanted you to survive this.
“I’m okay Kit, really. I just haven’t been hungry—“
“You’re lying y/n.” His voice raised. It wasn’t a yell but it was a plead. “You’re not okay. You’re dying.”
The word dying made you flinch, because it was true. Your body was only weeks away from giving out on you and you knew that. You knew it and you didn’t want it to happen but you couldn’t fix it. Everything he was saying was true. But the thought of getting help and being forced to eat and regain weight was the worst feeling you’ve ever had.
“You can’t do this alone and I’m here for you. I want to help you get help, because I can’t give you the medical help you need. But I can stand by your side every step of the way. I am begging you.” He held your eyes in his, never looking away from them. He needed you to see how serious he was and how serious this situation was. If he could help you the way you needed, he would. He’d never force you to go to the hospital if it wasn’t your life depending on it. But he knew his love and guidance was not enough. He could fill your head with every compliment in the world, reassure you day in and day out that your beautiful no matter how you look, that you don’t have to kill yourself to be beautiful. He could tell you every day that you didn’t have to be skin and bones for him to want you, that he wanted you at your highest and healthiest weight just as much as he wants you now. But your health now wont allow you to be with him forever, and for that, he needs to help you get the correct help. “I’m begging you.”
Your eyes closed, no longer able to bare the brokenness he held. What you were doing may be killing you physically, but it was also killing him mentally. It wasn’t what you intended to do, of course not. You just needed him to open up to you for you to see it. And you knew everything he was saying was true and it was said out of love, from the very bottom of his heart. He was begging you to let him help you the only way he could.
It went silent again as you thought about his request over and over again. Your mind was telling you now but your entire being was begging you to let him. It was fucked up how strong the mind is. How much control it had over the person it belonged to. But you knew of you didn’t allow him to help you that you wouldn’t last much longer, and that was the amount of encouragement you needed to be able to accept his plea.
“okay.” You whispered, your eyes squeezing shut tighter. Suddenly, it felt like you could breathe. Like a weight was lifted off your entire body. Like everything you were fighting alone in was no longer holding you.
“Okay?” Kit whispered. You opened your eyes slowly and blinked through the tears that had formed allowing them to fall. Once your vision was clear and you were able to see Kit, you sniffled and nodded. He nodded along with you, a new small smile forming on his lips. “Okay.” He confirmed, standing from your shared bed and grabbing your hand gently to help you from it.
His eyes skimmed over your fragile body, the sight hurting him deeply. You noticed him doing so, but you didn’t shy away or become embarrassed. You were able to admit you needed help, and it was like your eyes opened wide and you could see the damage your mind was doing to you. And he could see it too.
“We’re gonna get you help, baby. Everything will be okay soon I promise.” He spoke softly, hugging you to him once you were dressed. You wrapped your weak arms around him and rested you head on his chest. Every move you made made you dizzy, and you held him for support as he guided you to the car and helped you in, bucking you and closing your door before entering the drivers side and starting it. His hand reached for yours as he began driving, taking the small thing in his tightly like he was holding it for dear life.
Your mind raced nervously the closer you got to the hospital, wondering what their point of action would be. You were scared they’d take you away or that you’d become a clinical experiment. Kit must’ve been able to tell you were scared, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze.
“It’ll be okay baby. You’re gonna be okay.”
Tags: @evanpetersmood @witchsbitchestime @demxnicprxncess @yes-divine-ruler @shjjpm @evanpsrealwife @iruzias @jangsuzchap @quicksilversg1rl @submissiveforahsmen @angelmenace @lovelizzie-blog1 @justa19 @daylas-life @simp4petermaximoff @totta69
132 notes · View notes
Text
When I say that Michelle Obama gave me an eating disorder, I am not kidding.
Her “healthy eating” initiative in schools across the country acted as a gateway to body dysmorphia for me and probably millions of others, starting in the already uncomfortable moments in the elementary school cafeteria.
You see, my grandma is Thin.
She has always been thin, pretty, and privileged.
And she wanted me as her first granddaughter to be just like her-
Thin, Pretty, and Privileged.
I remember her shocked gasp in the Plus Size Girls section of our local JC Penney.
Back-to-school shopping was a misery, and she made it worse.
“That won’t flatter a girl your size” came out of her mouth so many times that it forever etched itself into my brain.
It was through shopping with her that I first learned to hate my body.
Then, Michelle Obama’s face was plastered all over my lunch room. The “Got Milk?” posters suddenly had company on the stained walls, and my lunch tray got much more pathetic.
If I ate what was given to me (or less), would I lose weight? 
I couldn’t even concentrate on eating most days between memorizing the food pyramid and calculating my BMI on the 7ft tall thermometer-style wall hanging.
I was 10 years old, and already in the red. Soon enough, I would get heart disease and diabetes and lung disease and then I would die from fatness.
Fat. 
I was fat.
I could challenge that a little easier when it was just my grandma and the Weight Watchers meeting host saying it, but how could First Lady Michelle Obama be wrong?
Even Wii Fit said I was morbidly obese no matter how many times I jogged with my Mii.
I may be bad at math, but keeping my calories under 1000 per day wasn’t too hard to track. Then it was 900. And 800. And 700. And 600. And then I stopped eating until I couldn’t anymore.
I stopped eating, but I did not get Thin like Michelle and my grandma. I stayed Fat.
And Fat was Bad.
So I started purging when I was 12, hoping that would be the hack that let me eat and still get skinny.
It did not work the way I had hoped.
Now, I am 23. I have permanent damage to my body from the years I abused it. My stomach no longer digests correctly, and my throat is scarred. I still panic when I eat.
And I am still Fat.
I wonder what Michelle Obama would think of me now…
Would she be proud of her contribution to my perpetual agony, or would she be disappointed that I never achieved Thin like my grandma?
Michelle’s Magic by Emmett
399 notes · View notes
viatagrinner · 1 year
Text
Gilbert's POV. Ch. 8: I want to tame/to discipline Miss Bunny.
TW: Description of the deaths of minor characters.
━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━
I remembered something I didn't like.
Tumblr media
Albert: Listen, Gil. I'm on your side no matter what .
Albert: I promise. I won't leave you alone. So...?
Gilbert: Really....?
Gilbert: Would you really say "Welcome home" to me if I came back from Rhodolite?
Albert: Oh, naturally. When you say, "Have a good day," you must always be greeted with a "welcome home".
There was a lot of blood in Obsidian Castle at that time.
The fierce struggle of the older brothers for the succession/emperor's throne was so cruel.
Everyone who is entitled to the throne kills everyone who gets in his way in order to gain absolute power in Obsidian.
Albert, who was three years older than me, was no stranger/unrelated to the story.
It was at this time that my mother and Albert unexpectedly suggested that I go to Rhodolite for treatment.
The poor prince, who was sickly and about to die before the succession battle, was sent out of the country in secret....
It could have been the farewell of a lifetime in a court where deaths occur every day.
Tumblr media
Albert: It's all right, Gil. By the time you get back to this castle, hell will be over.
Albert: I will greet you with a smile, so get well soon.
Mother: I hope you make some friends along the way. Gil is often alone. //It would be nice if you could make some friends while you're at it. Gil is alone a lot.
Mother: In Rhodolite you can make friends without worrying about your status, right?
Mother: Friends are a good thing. I know there will be a lot of hard times and a lot of fun times ahead.
Mother: When you have someone to share with, your heart shines brighter every day.
Mother: But you're sweet/kind and smart, but you're afraid to make friends... Aren't you?
Gilbert: Because..... a kid who befriends me might get killed, no?
Albert: You make friends, you just have to protect them. Because Gil is talented, he can do that much.
Tumblr media
Mother: Besides, one cannot live alone. We definitely need someone to share our worries and our joys with.
Mother: Right?
Gilbert: ....OK, I'll do my best.
Albert: This rule. Eat lots of good food. Your health depends on the food you eat.
Albert: You're too skinny. Eat more when you can eat, like I do.
Gilbert: If I do that, I wonder if I can become as strong as you, Albert.
Albert: Yes, you can. You can run every day.
Albert and my mother both smile as warmly as the sun.
So I, too, smiled.
Gilbert: I'll come back stronger.
Gilbert: See you later.
And when I returned after my recuperation period, Albert and my mother welcomed me back.
Tumblr media
Headless, with their heads recently severed.
━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━
Luke: Hey, what are you doing!
Luke's angry shouts push the memories of the past into the distance.
(...Oh, I just did it.)
Miss Bunny hit her back against the wall as she lunged, and I threw her off with force.
Even though it happened suddenly, I had forgotten how to adjust the force.
Tumblr media
(But it can't be helped, can it?)
Gilbert: What, Miss Bunny was in the way.
Luke: There is a better way to protect her.
Gilbert: Protect? Why should I protect Miss Bunny, who got in my way by doing unnecessary things?
The lives of many of the people gathered at Clavis' secret evening changed on Bloodstained Rose Day.
I assumed in advance that some of them would hate Obsidian so much that they would want to bite me.
(But I never thought Miss Bunny would try to cover for me.)
(...I wonder why you're trying to hurt my prey.)
MC: Ha…. hah…
Miss Bunny repeatedly breathes painfully.
She didn't give up, as if throwing away unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings.
(Seemed to need discipline/taming here.)
*The sound of a cane* I approach, Luke protects Miss Bunny.
Luke: Stop, Gil!
Gilbert: ...Stand back.
Luke: I'll never back down!
Even Luke, who should be more accustomed to killing than Miss Bunny, could see a faint trace of sweat.
As I watched him embrace the trembling Miss Bunny, I was reminded once again that I am a big bad guy.
Luke: Why are you suddenly so angry?
Gilbert: I'm not angry. It was just an unpleasant decision/completion.
Gilbert: Or maybe I didn't notice as much.
I threw a glance at the man and the knife lying on the floor. To me, accustomed to combat, this weapon is of little importance, but to Miss Bunny it is dangerous.
Gilbert: Do you have something to say?
(I hope you realize what a foolish thing you've done.)
I bring the tip of my cane to her eyes.
The beast of trampling/conquest is such that its killing power alone can rob you of your words.
In spite of this, Miss Bunny breathes in full-throated air as if she is trying to resist and trying to get up.
Tumblr media
(━━....... I think this is the first time I've ever gotten such a cheeky response in return to bloodlust.)
MC: .....If you refuse to engage in dialogue... that's what's going to happen.
MC: I don't think violence ....is justice...
MC: An effort must be made..... to fill any gap.
Gilbert: ......
MC: Only violence.......is what you’re good at.
MC: And that’s what..the beast truly does.
(........)
Gilbert: .....Huh?
(I see, so that's what you're thinking now.)
(It's an obvious answer, and frankly, I don't care.)
Miss Bunny shows no signs of remorse.
Tumblr media
(I was hoping to hear her defense of her stupidity in "covering for me".)
In this state, I don't even know where to direct my bloodlust.
Luke: That's enough, Gil. You're on the side of the weak, aren't you?
Luke: What are you doing threatening MC?
Gilbert: ......
(Luke says so, but .....)
(...What if I hadn't reacted sooner and Miss Bunny got stabbed?)
━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━
Tumblr media
Again and again, and again, and again, I remember that scene in my dreams.
Albert and my mother were accused of giving their opinion to the emperor in order to stop the dispute over the succession to the throne.
I don't need to ask now why they tried to stop the conflict.
Tumblr media
It was to protect the sickly prince.
It was a life that was lost to protect.
As with Miss Bunny's stupidity earlier, she does everything without being asked.
(It is impossible to forgive/allow.)
━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━
Gilbert: ….Hmm, that’s right.
Nevertheless, the bloodlust was gone.
Any further pressure would cause breathing difficulties.
(....The bad guys don't need intervention.)
Gilbert: Of course, that wasn't like me.
Gilbert: Sorry, I got upset when Miss Bunny did that stupid thing, right?
(Don't betray me, even you, my "friend".)
Tumblr media
(I'm the only one allowed to kill my prey [you].)
Even after my bloodlust had passed, Miss Bunny kept shaking. Luke picks her up, and she disappears from the hall.
I never once made eye contact with Miss Bunny during that time.
━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━
Gilbert's Masterlist
88 notes · View notes
pinkrifle · 1 year
Text
HI HI HIHI MY LAST POST WAS AB CHUBY MYSTERION,,, SO I BRING TO U
Tumblr media
— 🫐 chubbie mysterion x superhero!reader 🦴 (hcs)
cws/tws: none, just please don’t fetishize this post as it’s weird 🤦‍♀️ also this is not in any way supposed to be nsfw, and pleas don’t take it as such, i initially wanted to write it as his original age but i didn’t specify it in the fic so you could read it in any age interpretation you want
Tumblr media
meeting mysterion was a treat for u!! after your team meeting with his, you bump into eachother and you feel his SOFTNESS,,, immediately fall in love.
well obvi your not with him jus for his weight,, he’s brooding and smart n cute and GGRA!! everytime you meet with an enemy of yours he’s always swooping in if the enemy brings on too big of an attack.
after a few months you guys just click with eachother and your CLINGING to eachother, like two velcro stuffies.
making sus jokes to him and him subtly laughing under his breath>:) calling him all these kind of vulgarities
when he finally asks you to be his partner-in-anticrime (ba dum tss) you immediately say yes and kiss him wherever is available.
all superhero’s have weaknesses, and mysterion is a little insecure about his weight.. that won’t happen around you!!
always hugging him from behind all giddy and making a honk sound out of love, getting him all blushy 🫶🫶🫶
when y’all r alone you always rant about how cute he is even if he thinks his chubbyness holds him back from being a real hero, sweet nothings is all that falls out of your mouth
squeezing his tummy even if it isn’t that chub, you js love ur amazing brave hero bf 🎀
laying on his legs after a long night of protecting the city, just ends up with him trying to cover up his flushed face cuz his partner loves him sm (who doesn’t?!!2¥]]2)
always reassuring him there’s nothing wrong with his body and it’s normal for his age because of puberty, jokingly smooching his fluffiest parts
if your chubby too, you guys would have venting sessions just to bond and reconcile with eachother, ending up with teary hugs n kisses
always making sure he eats right, the last thing you want is your pookie getting sick and you have no more partner to destroy prof chaos!!
if anyone (COUGH. RACOON) makes fun of mysterion for his weight or chubbi ness no matter how chubby mysterion may be you will always beat tf out of them.
C: WOOWWW—nice, mysterion! putting on a couple pounds? too stressful? wellllll just leave it up to ME to save the city then! >:)
u!!: friendly fire will not be tolerated (rocks his shit)
never letting mysterion be sad near you in sight!! and if he ever feels the need to repress his emotions to keep up his mysterious persona, your always there to pull him aside and let him sob into his arms for as long as he needs.
always cuddling him super tight in the night because everyone needs a teddy bear in their life!! and if your chubby too the both of you will cling onto eachother 🫶
the compliments are not only one sided, if you ever feel insecure about being too skinny or too chubby he’ll always stop to take your hands in his or do something randomly poetic to make you swoon further and holds you close for the rest of the day/night
annoying nicknames you give him drive him nuts (in a good way, bur he hates actually saying he likes it) like honey bun, pookie, knight in purple armor. but obviously you won’t call him anything that relates to his weight, regardless (it just feels wrong)
you don’t talk about his weight too much, but you admire him for being so amazing and pushing thru !!!
Tumblr media
WILL NEVER STOP TALKINF ABOUR CHUBBY MYSTERION. EVER SINC I SAW THAT VIDEO/DRAWINF I GO NUTS HES SO ADORABLE ☹️,,,
56 notes · View notes
lokisprettygirl · 2 years
Text
The Bodyguard (Loki x Female reader) (Au) (18+)
Read chapter 26 here// Series Masterlist
Chapter 27
Summary : Loki is on a mission to avenge you. Katlyn gets on his radar.
Warning : 18+, Heavy Daddy kink, Smut, Violence, murderous thoughts, Mention of Suicide, Rape, abuse, sexual violence, Harsh language, bodyshaming, fatshaming, mention of neglect and abuse, emotional abuse, Unhealthy Eating Patterns, blackmail, starving and under eating, implied smut, mention of drug use, some weird feeding kink I’m (loki is) developing
Tumblr media
As you reached the mansion Loki went upstairs to maintain the facade that he absolutely despised being in your presence more than he needed to, you saw Peter and he smiled at you, you haven't seen him since morning,
"Hey Pete how are you??" you asked him and he put the phone down.
"I'm good, it's nice to hear you call me that" you sat down on the couch next to him and gave him a smile. 
"Thank you for last night, he told me and I just..thank you for coming back and being a good friend" your eyes teared up and so did his. He never really forgot about you, you were always there in his head even when he thought he hated you. 
"You don't have to thank me, I just.. if he wasn't here ..in your life I mean, would you reconsider us?" He asked you and your eyebrows scrunched, you can't even imagine your life without your loki now. 
"I don't know..how am I supposed to answer that?" You looked at him and he nodded. You got up to go to your room and gasped as you saw Loki on your bed, he smiled so you quickly locked your door.
"Hmmm I finally have you in my bed like I said I would" he chuckled and you got on his lap, his hand wrapped around your hips as he kissed you 
"Rocky and Suzzanah are out, Katlyn is in the gym and Steve isn't here so I thought I'd spend some time with my client, make sure she's safe in here" 
He whispered between the kisses and you smiled, you had a pair of jeans on with a plain black tee and he just really adored the simple look on you.
"Mmm do you want to keep me safe while I shower daddy?" you whispered in his ear then you kissed on his neck, knowing far too well that he won't give into your teasing. 
"Let me give you a bath instead babygirl" you looked at him to make sure if he was being serious, your eyes twinkled and he tilted his head. He put you down on the bed and took his coat off then he placed it on the bed, his tie loosened and he rolled his sleeves up. He went to the bathroom to fill the tub and came back a few minutes later, then he picked you up, your legs wrapped around his waist instantly.
"God you're strong" you kissed him and he had to keep his eyes open so he'd make it safely to the bathroom but he stopped when he reached the door and pressed you against it, cupping your cheeks between his palms he kissed you passionately, his tongue played with yours and his hips bucked into yours, all of a sudden he twisted the door knob and you squealed, that made him smile too. However you were not ready for what he did next as he put you down in the bathtub with your clothes on and you gasped
"What? I said bath, you're in the bathtub, just doing what I said" he chuckled and you splashed water onto him, 
"Join Mee" he crossed his arm as you said that.
"Noo how would I sneak out in wet clothes?" you groaned and he smiled as he cupped your cheeks and kissed you softly, 
"I'll wait outside, be quick okay?" He told you and you nodded.
"Yesss daddy" he smiled and stepped out of the bathroom, then he laid down on your bed, he closed his eyes to rest them as he thought about what he was going to do with Katlyn in the coming days, he had already set his first plan in motion. The gym. With Eric's help he had tweaked the mechanics of the treadmill, that's all she used to stay skinny, she would get on it but she won't be able to get off as it wouldn't turn off no matter how much she tries, he just hoped she won't die because he wasn't done with her, he had just begun.
He wanted to hurt her just how she have hurt you all this time, the thought of innocent sweet 17 year old baby y/n being drugged and raped boiled his blood and made him want to burn the whole world down.
He felt your weight on top of him and smiled but he didn't open his eyes 
"Tell me that you have clothes on you" 
"Why don't you touch me and check?" You leaned down to kiss him and he moaned into your mouth, your wet hair brushed over his cheeks, dripping water droplets all over him , he pushed your hair aside and his hand brushed over your naked back l,
"Such a bad baby, naughty baby, and I thought you wanted to be good for me little one" he mumbled and you smiled
"Mmm I do daddy" 
"Then why are you all naked on top of me hmm?" He mumbled and you felt his fingers trailing over your bare cheeks, the touch made you shiver 
"Fuck you frustrate me so much" he chuckled as you got off him and his eyes remained closed. You were literally throwing yourself at him and he was not paying you any attention. He was built differently because you knew you were capable of seducing men. But then what if he just cared about you and he wasn't thinking about fucking you senseless all the time, like you did for him?
"Mmm are you dressed yet?" He asked as he perched himself on his elbow.
"I'm doing it..calm down" he heard your sad little voice and sighed. He stood up immediately and you were in the middle of putting your pants up, the sight of your panty clad bubble butt wasn't something he wanted to see today as he knew that would keep him up at night. 
He walked closer to you and stood behind you, his arms wrapped around your waist 
"Hiii" he whispered in your ear and you looked at him.
"Hiii" you mumbled as you pouted and that made him smile 
"You know daddy loves you right?" He pressed a soft kiss on your cheek and you hummed,
"Mmm but does he want me? " His lips moved down your neck and you moaned, then you felt his bulge rubbing against your ass as he pressed into you purposefully, 
"See what you do to me?" he whispered in your ear, his voice was rough, husky, and commanding. You just questioned his feelings and he had to set you straight. He turned you around and pressed you against the door of the closet. You placed your hands on his shoulders and he grabbed your ass with both of his hands to pull you closer to him then his hips rolled into you and you moaned loudly, 
"You get me so fucking hard, all the time babygirl..feel me yeah? You have no idea how hard all of this is for me, in every sense of the word" 
You gasped as his hips bucked into your clothed heat very harshly, 
"Mmmm dadddy I just need you so bad..I'm sorry" you whined as he kept you in place while his hips humped against you mercilessly, 
"I know baby but don't you dare ever question my feelings for you again, I'll fucking ruin you on my cock the first thing when we get out of this forsaken place" his teeth greeted as the sensation built in the pit of his stomach, he should have stopped talking right there because the way you responded to his words only turned him on further.
"Ohhh fuck yess please I want to be ruined, ruin me daddy please" you whined again as he brought you closer to the edge with the constant humping, his words fuelled the fire in you even more,
"Soon ..ohh I promise I'll make such a mess out of you that you won't even remember your name sweetheart, I'll be the only thing in that pretty little head of yours" he whispered in your ear and you could just picture it all in your head, the cottage in Indiana that he told you about, his bedroom, his bed, you on his bad, him on top of you as he fucks you slowly, you could picture everything.
"Ohh Daddy yess please you're all I need..just you..only you " 
"Mmmhm? Sweet little princess.. fucking hell god you're driving me insane" his movement stopped suddenly as he was about to lose control, his fist bumped against the door of the closet and he instantly looked at you as you flinched a little.
"Sorry.. just a reflex " you mumbled softly and he cupped your cheeks to kiss you tenderly. 
"Sorry baby, daddy is sorry, you're safe with me ..I'll never hurt you little one" your eyes teared up at the tenderness in his voice, such a contrast to when he was whispering filthy words in your ear. And God you were in love with all the sides of him.
"I know I know..I love you I love you" you got on your tiptoes to wrap your arms around his neck and he picked you off the floor to spin you around, making you giggle. 
He laid you down on the bed and got on top of you as he took deep breaths, his fist clenched into your hair, he wasn't pulling, he was just holding you in place as he showered you with forehead kisses and cheek kisses,
"What if I want you to hurt me though" you mumbled and he looked at you, his pupils dilated as he processed the meaning behind your words, his cock twitched at the thought, though he couldn't imagine putting his hands on you, not even in a sexual manner , not after everything you have been through. 
"What do you mean?" You bit on your lips and his eyes lingered at the shiny glossy lower lip then he looked up at you again
"Like if I want you to spank me or choke me .. would you?" he cursed under his breath as you said that, then he took a deep breath before he answered 
"Maybe ..maybe I would, maybe gently and playfully but nothing too extreme, I ..I don't want to hurt you or make you feel pain, any sort of pain, I don't care if it's sexual darling, I just can't give you physical pain. After we are done satiating our carnal desires I don't want you to associate that feeling of burn from the hit and the aftermath of it with me, when you think of me I just want you to think of me as your daddy, as your protector, as your lover that would never harm you like that" your eyes teared up as he said that, men have done all that to you without consent and here you were offering yourself to him and he just refused. 
"You're like a god aren't you? how do you do that" he chuckled and kissed your forehead. 
"I'm not a god sweetheart, I just.. love you" He loves you. Yes he loves you. You are loved.
"I love you daddy..love you more than the moon loves the stars" you giggled and his heart swelled. Innocent baby.
"I don't think the moon really does that though" you chuckled and he kissed you again.
"How am I supposed to go out with a raging boner" 
"Think about your brother or think about my dad fucking Suzannah, his old wrinkly body against her.." he started laughing and placed his palm on your mouth. He had a beautiful laugh, everything about him intensified since you have fallen for him so madly. 
After he sneaked out you got a call from Rocky that your sister Katlyn had an accident in the gym and he wanted you to be there for her in the hospital, yes of course why not, because she has been there for you everytime you ended up there. 
You got ready and you wondered what kind of accident she had and then you couldn't help but think if Loki was behind this.
As he escorted you out of the mansion you kept your eyes on him, Peter was also going but in a seperate car. 
"Soo Bucky loses his arm and now Katlyn's leg is fractured?" You said to him and he was going to say something but he stopped, he didn't want to lie to you.
"What did you do?"
"I just tweaked with her treadmill that's it" 
You sighed as he said that.
"Lokii what if they get suspicious?" 
"How?? I checked there are no cameras in there or in the lobby that leads to it and Erik will fix it by the time they come for the repair, it would be like it never even malfunctioned " 
He had a mischievous grin on his face and that made you smile, you didn't want him to get in trouble but this was such a different side to him that you found really adorable.
As you reached the hospital Steve and Suzzanah were already there along with Erik, Steve glared at Loki and it made you roll your eyes, Peter smiled as he looked at you.
"What happened?" You asked Suzzanah and she looked up from her phone
"She fell off the treadmill" 
"Wowww" you mumbled under your breath and Steve walked towards you 
"Don't rejoice too soon baby because if something really awful happens to her I swear to god I'll make your life a living hell" Loki's jaw clenched as he heard that. He just needed an excuse to hurt you, whatever hesitation he felt for hurting these people disappeared completely.
"Okay but how do you fall from a treadmill? like I have seen her on it, she doesn't go above the speed of 6 ..she could have jumped off easily if she wanted to" Suzzanah shrugged and for once you didn't roll your eyes at the words that came out of her mouth 
"What are you trying to say huh?" Steve glared at her and she shrugged again.
"Just saying, I don't think she fell off the treadmill, she is learning ballet for a movie or something, she must be practicing in the gym area" 
"Why would she lie?" Steve asked her and she smiled.
"Must be embarrassed I guess" 
"Go get someone to see what's wrong with the treadmill" he told Erik and it was like even god was helping you all to hurt them. 
When doctor allowed you all to see her, Steve and Suzzanah went first along with Peter, she just had a minor fracture in her ankle, nothing too bad, but her knees were bruised and when she fell on her face she lost two front teeth.
You took out your phone and texted him as you waited to see her 
Tumblr media
You looked at him and smiled, you heard Steve yelling at Katlyn for being so careless especially when the wedding was so close, it reminded you of the times they blamed you for every time you got sick and they blamed you for it. 
It brought a little satisfaction, 
After Steve and Suzzanah left, you visited her and she abused you verbally for no reason, blaming you that you cursed her and whatnot so you stepped out immediately.
Loki winked at you before he made his way into her room and he softened his eyes to appear more empathetic,
"How are you ma'am?" He sat down on the chair next to her and she started crying, the two missing teeth made him cringe internally.
"It hurts so bad" he placed his hand on hers and she clutched onto him.
"I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must hurt so bad to lose that pretty smile you had but I'm sure that can be fixed right?" he said softly even though deep down her touch made him feel disgusted.
"Pretty smile?" She giggled and he smiled. Dumb bitch.
"Prettiest, umm I should go, my client is out there" he rolled his eyes and she smirked.
"Ugggh let her be, I know she is so happy to see me here, what have I done to her.. I don't understand?" She cried and he controlled the urge to clench his jaw "Stay with me..I need you" 
"I wish I could, I really do, but it's my job, as much as I don't want to be around her I have to" he said as he pulled his hand away and stood up then he stepped out, the second part of his plan was in motion. He was going to play with her emotions the way she did with yours. 
She bullied you all your childhood which he could have forgiven her for, kids do dumb shit but she didn't stop, she didn't grow up, she continued to torture you emotionally and psychologically. The bodyshaming, the rape, the heartbreak, the way she was going to traumatise you for life by cutting your hair, he can't forgive her for all of that.
 And He won't. He won't stop until he has her as broken as she had made you feel. 
❤️🖤♥️🖤♥️🖤♥️🖤♥️🖤♥️🖤♥️🖤
189 notes · View notes
eroticlizardfiction · 2 months
Text
I'm hungry all the time and I hate it. I literally can't stop gaining weight and at this rate I'll be over 200lbs by the end of the year and I hate it. I hate that I can't fit into my clothes anymore. I hate that my thighs are so fat they literally rub holes in my jeans. I hate that I can't walk up stairs without being winded. I hate that working out makes me cry. I hate that no matter how much I eat I just can't stop and still feel hungry. I hate that the idea of eating less and working out more makes me want to kill myself. I hate that I have a high resting heart rate and am always hot. I hate that I used to be skinny without trying. I hate looking at old pictures of myself. I hate that I think I look good until I step on a scale and see that my view of myself is warped. Is it possible to have reverse body dysmorphia because I don't think I look fat but I'm severely obese by medical standards. I hate that I even care. I just want to stop eating forever. I just want to eat whatever I want. I just want to workout without pain. I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. I just want to feel better
9 notes · View notes
littlerredgum · 5 months
Text
Just a Silly Little Diet: My History of Disordered Eating
At 8, my friend and I would do crunches and silly little workouts to stay slim. We laughed at the idea of getting fat like the adults. We sucked in our stomachs and paraded around in dress up clothes.
At 10, my mom warned me about the dangers of fat. I felt judged for every Christmas cookie I took.
My whole family seemed to be on one fad diet or another every few months. I realized how important thinness was.
At 12, I would secretly binge in my room. I ate small portions at dinner, and often wouldn't clean my plate.
During the summer, I was reprimanded if I didn't get out and exercise. I was told I didn't want to get fat, like getting fat was some big joke.
WiiFit became my best friend, even when it told me I was obese (I wasn't). DDR was the party activity.
I ran cross country in school. I hated running (we all did) but I wanted the workout. Disordered eating was so common, the coaches often brought snacks to practice. We had spaghetti dinners the night before a meet. I lowered my normal serving size to fit in with the other girls. I thought maybe I did eat too much.
I ran so hard at meets, I lost bladder control. We all joked cross country is a mental sport (and we are all insane). Puking after a run won you a t-shirt, a reward for pushing so hard.
I joined the speech time. Our meets went til 9 or 10pm. I would bring an apple left from my school lunch and eat that for dinner.
My mom asked if I was pregnant when I was 15 (and not even talking to boys, much less sleeping with them).
I tried to purge for the first time at 15. I tried a finger, then a toothbrush. I couldn't do it and cried myself to sleep.
I stopped eating breakfast. I would sleep in as long as I could, then get up, get dressed, and walk to school. I refused rides offered by friends. It was only a mile, but I wanted that mile, sun or snow.
I started hanging out with a group of bigger guys when I was 17. I loved them dearly, but I also loved being the skinny friend.
I worked at McDonald's when I was 17. I saw how gross fast food is. I still ate it, but felt guilty every time.
In college, every student living on campus had a meal plan. I avoided the burger and pizza section of the cafeteria. Eventually, I avoided the cafeteria altogether, and ate ramen in my dorm room. I used the excuse that I was too poor to avoid going out to eat.
I worked a vet med job in my 20s. I would often "forget" lunch. I started spending my lunch break in my car. If I ate, no one saw. If I didn't, no one knew. Some days, I didn't even get a break, but made sure everyone else did.
I moved states. Everyone at work was on some weight loss plan. I started bringing snacks to work, never full meals. I loved it when i hit 10,000 steps just at work.
My binging got worse. I forgot how to stop eating when I was full. I ate to bursting, or not at all.
I started a work from home job. My activity plummeted.
I hit 200lbs while I wasn't looking. I avoided mirrors. I stopped wearing shorts because they didn't fit. I covered up more. If I couldn't see it, it wasn't happening.
I finally got a scale. I cried when I finally stepped on it. After years of telling myself weight didn't matter, I realized it did to me. A lot.
I started walking every morning. I tried running, and realized my own fat was in the way. It didn't feel as freeing as it used to.
I started eating slower. I put the fork down before I felt full. I stopped true binges.
I started dieting. I meal prepped healthy lunches, made eggs in the morning, lowered my dinner servings. That lasted maybe 3 days.
I cut out breakfast. I wasn't hungry in the morning, anyway.
I started counting calories. I googled a good weight loss amount - 1800cal. I figured I'd go down to 1600, what's an extra 200 cut out.
I weighed myself every morning.
I started browsing triggering tumblrs. I told myself I'd only use it as inspiration, I wouldn't get sucked in. Obviously, I told myself, I've never had any disordered eating habits. I'd be fine.
I lowered my calories to 1400.
I wondered how low I could go. Surely one day at 500 wouldn't hurt. Maybe two. Or three.
My bf went away for a weekend. I threw away all the leftovers in the fridge. I ate cucumber, mushrooms, and carrots in only two "meals". I wondered if I could lose enough in 3 days to make a difference by the time he got back. I put together puzzles instead of eating.
I told myself this was just a silly little experiment. I wasn't disordered, just using a few tricks.
I started chasing the high of that weekend.
Normal meals looked like binging.
800cal started to feel like a lot. I started eating 100cal or less snacks. I cooked low cal dinners. I dreaded the weekend where I would have to eat at least two high calorie meals a day to appear normal.
I cut out lunch. I was too busy, anyway.
I stopped just browsing tumblr and made a new blog. Suddenly, the skeletal inspo didn't look like too much anymore.
Omad became the norm. 500 calories became the goal.
I started making lunch alibis. I tell my bf I ate the leftovers I threw away. I tell him I had a nonexistent salad. Or soup. Or a wrap. I tell him my diet is going well.
I pull away when he touches my stomach. I don't deserve that affection until I'm at my goal weight. I don't want him to feel my fat.
I tell myself I'll just go back to normal once I've lost the weight. It's just a silly little diet.
I'm not disordered.
There's a nagging thought that maybe, just maybe, I've finally allowed myself to give in to ana. And that I may not be able to get rid of her when I'm done. That maybe... maybe I'll never be done.
9 notes · View notes
The Savior
Tumblr media
Summary: Y/N tries to make Dean believe he was her savior, but he knows it's the other way around.
Warnings/Explicit 18+: Nothing explicit. Major angst. Sadness. Talk of illness and death. TW: Cancer. Sorry.
Pairings: Dean Winchester x OFC
Word Count: 629
A/N: So, I’ve decided to do all 30 of these writing prompts. I may miss a day here and there, but I’m going to try to do one a day, and I will be completing all 30 no matter what.  They won’t always be in order.  This fic will be for the prompt: Write something angsty.
Hope you enjoy! I will be putting together a Masterlist for all 30 prompts and adding it to my main Masterlist.
A/N 2: I apologize for the sadness here, this idea just came to mind and I had to write it out and get the sad out. And the prompt demanded it. The OFC in this fic isn't named, and in theory it could be a reader insert, but I hated the idea of putting any of my readers into this one. This is written in Dean's POV.
The beautiful text divider below was created by @talesmaniac89.
Tumblr media
The room is so quiet when she's sleeping. Only the soft electric hum of machines can be heard, or the occasional soft-soled footfall of a nurse walking by.
I hate the quiet. I hate how empty it is and how it reminds me that there's nothing I can do, reminds me how weak and powerless I am in the face of this...monster that's slowly pulling apart the woman I love. Every day, every hour, every minute, another little piece of her is eaten up.
She's lost the battle, and it's one I couldn't fight for her. Though, I would have; if it had been possible, I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat. But hell doesn't make deals anymore, and heaven is all closed up to us mortals down here.
I've tried; I've prayed and screamed and cursed God and heaven, angels, devils and saints alike. No one is listening anymore. It's what we wanted, what we fought for, free will and choice. Our stories are ours to write.
And she's decided to write her ending. It's been two months since she laid down her arms and conceded the fight. I shouted at her for that, told her she was a warrior, a hunter, a fighter, a Winchester if only in name, and Winchesters don't quit.
She'd stayed calm while I raged. So unusual for us. In the twelve years we'd been together we'd loved and fought, and made up and loved, and then fought again, from sea to shining sea.
She always refused to let me get away with anything, refused to let me settle, refused to let me give up on myself, refused to let me believe I wasn't good enough for her, refused to walk away from me, refused to let me hate myself. She refused to let me keep hurting.
She saved me. Every day. Completely.
It was the reason I wasn't willing to let her give up, wasn't going to let her rest; we would fight, it's what we did, it's what we knew to do.
But she knew better. She knew her beautiful warrior's body was broken, it was tired. She was tired.
"So tired." She'd said, as I stood, fuming and absolutely terrified as I saw the truth of her words. I could see it in her frail body, her shaven head, her beautiful face, with bones that stood out too prominently.
"I'm just model chic now." She'd joked, instead of crying about the illness that was eating away at her soft, strong body.
She'd fought for two years, seven months, three weeks, and four days. But now she was done. So I stopped shouting, stopped making her feel as though she was giving up. She wasn't quitting. She'd more than earned her rest.
So, now she lays beside me, breath shallow, fingers stick skinny where her hand sits in mine. I trace the blue veins that run just under her paper thin skin, and let the tears fall. I know the time is close.
Her soul is attached to mine, and I can feel it fading.
As her last gift to me, her eyes flutter open and they smile at me. I lift my hand and ever so gently trace the curve of her delicate jaw. Even such small touches can cause her so much pain sometimes. But now she closes her eyes briefly, melting slightly into my palm.
Her eyes open again and she murmurs low and breathy, the chemicals in her blood stealing away her voice. I listen close.
"My hero, Dean Winchester." A rattled inhale. "My savior."
I press my lips to hers and she gives me her last breath, which I use to exhale the truth to her as she slips away.
"No, you've always been the savior."
Tumblr media
Tags under the cut:
1 - Jensen RPF + Any/All characters Jensen plays. @lyarr24 @siospins2 @impalaslytherin @maggiegirl17 @akshi8278 @candy-coated-misery0731 @nt-multi-fandom 2 - Dean Winchester Fics Only. @saikosheadcanons @lgranger67 @carryonwaywardgirl 3 - Any/All Fics (regardless of fandom/character.) @sunshineandwings86 @kazsrm67 @sexyvixen7 4 - Everything (includes fan vid/DOOL edits as well) @unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men @awkward-and-indecisive @maliburenee @supernatural4life2022 @spn730015 @b3autyfuldisast3r @kickingitwithkirk @waywardbaby @foxyjwls007 @deanwanddamons @deandreamernp @deanwithscissors @myloversgone @snowlovespie @leigh70 @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @fangirlxwritesx67 @charred-angelwings @hopefuldreamers-world @mysherlock221b @jensensgotyoudean @stixnstripesworld @thoughts-and-funnies @magssteenkamp @norman1967 @princessmisery666 @eevvvaa @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @deepsketchsupernaturalcowboy @b-i-t-c-h-i-e @twirpbunwarrior @mysweetlittledesire @waynes-multiverse @mrsjenniferwinchester @bernasaurus @jensenslady79
Masterlist Tag Lists
110 notes · View notes
spicesweet · 3 months
Note
any tips for someone who wants to stop counting cals and ⭐vng in 2024? (so happy you're back 💙)
first of all, ty, I'm happy to be back too 🤍
in my case, quitting counting calories worked because my entire mindset around what food really is has changed.
I'm reading SO much more on nutrition than I used to, and there are so many studies showing that our focus on calorie quantity is extremely misinformed and is actually a strategy by the food industry to keep responsibility over obesity and food-related health issues on the consumer rather than on the industry.
that made me understand that it is the quality, not the quantity of food that really matters, and that made counting calories useless: I don't need to really do math if I understand the food in front of me and how nutritious it is or isn't and how my body will go through it.
I think understanding nutrition and our body's relationship with food in a biological and chemical level is way more useful and important than doing this sick little math routine. this is still a fairly recent development for me, but it is already showing overwhelmingly positive results in my daily life.
now, it's been a long time since I quit trying to starve myself into skinniness, and for multiple reasons. first one being: it doesn't work.
well, I mean, sure, if I were to actually starve myself, it would make me lose some kilos, sure. but I don't think most people understand really how impossible it is to maintain that. only very few people have the circumstances that allow them to keep starving for a long time in order to maintain it, and the effects of that are so devastating for the body that it stops making sense to me. even in my most self-destructive phase, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I wanted to live, live the life I dreamed of. I didn't want to be a weak and stinky and hollowed shade of a person, I wanted to be pretty and small. that's still my thing. I don't want my teeth and hair to fall off, I don't want my digestive system to turn on itself, I don't want bad breath and eyesight, I just want to feel good about my body, no matter what.
and all those considerations would be if starving for that long of a period was possible for me, which it never was. I never lived alone, I only started to have food autonomy (deciding what I ate + cooking what I ate) around 7 years ago, and I've always had responsibilities and, yk, a life that required energy. plus, I've never been in a situation where food wasn't available for me, and I was never able to trick my brain into believing it.
and what happens when you have food available and you want to stay away from it is that your brain will turn on you. your brain doesn't give two fucks that you want to starve for cosmetic reasons: its job is to keep you alive no matter what. if your brain knows you can eat but are choosing not to, the second it becomes too hungry to handle your basic needs, it will do whatever it takes for you to eat, and if it has to turn on you, it will. if it has to give you cravings, it will, if it has to start a stream of self-hating thoughts to get you to give up, it will. if it has to break you, it will.
(does that sound familiar for anyone who has a frequent or chronic binge eating issue?)
understanding that + understanding more about the food industry, health, nutrition and biology made me realize that this would be a vicious cycle of pain and struggle followed by frustration and even more pain, and it would result in nothing.
the urges haven't gone away, of course. I still think of starving myself as nice. I still love hunger pains. I find it exciting and sweet. I still see it as a "tool" that makes me calm down when I'm having a very hard time. it still gives me a sense of control and discipline.
but so does keeping my diet, exercising every single day, learning about nutrition and health. that also makes me feel like I'm in charge, like I'm the person I want to be already, even if my size is not the one I want. and with this type of discipline and struggle, I actually see results. not the "I didn't eat for 3 days so I'm dehydrated and that makes it look like I've lost weight and got smaller but if I put a single peanut in my mouth I'll be worse than before" results (again, familiar, anyone?), but the kind of day-to-day progress, the quiet and surprising type.
some motivation I've gathered for myself: when I was one month into my diet+exercise regime, I started to hear from my husband how much my body had changed. within two months, I went to a pool party where my friend said I was the one with the best body out of all of us, that I was in great shape. in three months, my older clothes started to drop from my frame. this had NEVER happened before, not in the decade and so that I tried to waste my body away. not a single fucking time.
I'm not saying that shifting into this lifestyle is easy (it literally took me my whole life to start it lol) but it's what makes sense to me now. it's what makes me resilient and proud and it's what makes me happy even if I'm still obsessive and still technically clinically ill. but at least I'm over that issue. yk?
I hope this helps you, sorry I wrote so much, I literally can't shut the fuck up about this subject HAHAHA 🤍✨
3 notes · View notes
notquitecharlie · 9 months
Text
7/13/23 Again
Dear Friend,
I’m sorry I’m a liar. I don’t want to lie to you, I lie too much. It’s never “big” lies the kind that mean anything to anyone but me but I lie too much about who I am and how I feel to lie to you too. I’m going to try to share as much of myself that I don’t share with anyone else now. This post will be long, the ones that follow it may be too if you don’t want to read it friend you don’t have to but I think some part of me needs to write it. I hope that you don’t judge me because, I trust you friend even though we likely haven’t met yet. I’m going to attempt to be relatively chronological except in one part, the beginning. 
I’m not always happy friend. Sometimes I am so sad and lonely and anxious and scared that it physically hurts but I still smile and am polite and kind as I can and if anyone were to ask me I would always say that I’m happy. I lie most days about this and I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s like a part of me feels like if I lie and say that I’m happy I will be, that the more I smile the more I’ll mean it.
Ever since I was young I’ve been called ugly, especially by my mom. I feel horrid saying that but I’m trying to be honest so there. When I was small and did plays she would clip extensions into my hair, when I was about 11 or 12 going to a school presentation fair thing I put on a dress my grandma had given me and I felt gorgeous, sure I had acne and a bad hair day but still I asked her how I looked and the response was “like a homeless person what the hell are you thinking I’m doing your hair”. Every time I’ve done something like a choir performance or taken school pictures she’s smattered makeup onto my face to cover up the imperfections and asked me why I didn’t do it myself, I’ve always told her I forgot or sometime along those lines but I’ll be honest to you. I can’t stand makeup for the most part. Some days I can and I’ll do fun makeup for me but I lie and hide too much without covering my face.
Eating can be so fucking hard and I don’t know why. I’m very skinny, you can see my spine and my ribs and shoulder bones all of it and I hate it but sometimes eating physically hurts. It’s like I just feel bad, you know?
I’m gay and I wish my family would stop talking about gay people so horribly and using the word lesbian as an insult. I wish my nine year old sister wasn’t already brainwashed into that way of thinking too. I don’t want to talk about how cute guys are. I don’t.
I have horrible nightmares most nights. They just feel so real and every night I say sweet dreams to every person so. many. times. But no one ever says it back and i wonder if they did, would it make any difference?
I want to finish my sentences sometimes without being interrupted or shushed. I’m not stupid and I wish people would give my the tiniest bit of respect to listen to what im saying. Sometimes it matters.
I cry. I fidget. I over apologize to (normally to) people who don’t deserve it. I hate talking to people. I hate asking for stuff. I get overly worried about cleanliness. Sometimes loud noises physically pain me (not just in the ow my ears hurt way). Textures especially with food tend to disgust me (cheese, oil, olives, popsicle sticks, some bread, tortillas,eggs) I can normally force myself to eat it but other days I just can’t. Nothing feels safer than the number seven.
I’m sorry to share all of this and I’m also sorry I would love to do it again sometime.
Love always, 
Athena
7 notes · View notes
valswrld05 · 3 months
Text
ok, we need to talk.
cw??// mention of body image/body insecurity and eating disorders
I've been gone for nearly a month and I've thought about some things during my break.
I don't want to gain anymore. I like being chubby(sometimes), but I js realized that gaining weight has really messed up my mental. Ever since I was young, I was always told things like "if you gain weight, you'll become ugly" or "no one likes a fat girl". These types of things made me scared to gain weight. However, I have always been fat. No matter what age I was, I was never considered skinny.
From the age of about 8 I started to binge eat. I didn't it realize until I was about 11 when we were learning about eating disorders in health class. For about 4 more years I continued to research and take online tests to see if I had BED (binge eating disorder, im gonna just shorten it from now on). From all of this research, I had been thinking I had it. I told my mom but she didnt care. She just body shamed me and told me things like "you dont have an eating disorder, only skinny people have those" or "your just fat and lazy, stop eating so much". I felt so ashamed about my body and how I looked. All I ever wanted in life was to not be fat. So I turned to feedism.
Around 2019 was when I figured out this was a thing that people were into. I found videos on youtube and kinda just fell into a rabbithole of different sites and apps that had this community within it. I felt special in this community, because I realized that people actually like fat girls. However, there was a downside to this community. I felt as though I had to gain weight. I didnt force the weight gain because I have always gained from my BED. Online, I felt so amazing and confident with my body. But irl, I was a mess.
I was constantly having breakdowns when I stood front of mirrors, after I ate, etc. I hated gaining weight because irl society doesn't like fat people. We have always gotten mistreated in real life, in media, etc. And not to mention finding love. I've always been a hopeless romantic. And finding love as a fat girl is actually so hard. To end this off, when I turned 18 I went to a therapist, and I was diagnosed with BED. Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this message but I'll try to sum it up quickly and in a short manner.
I am quitting gaining. By no means am I saying that I'm quitting this acc. I still want to post, I just don't like gaining. I might even try to lose a bit of weight (I'll still stay chubby though).
Another thing I want to talk about: changing my layout/name.
I've started to get more closer with my irl friends and I always get scared that they are somehow going to find me. So I decided to change my name. My new name will be 'Val (which is short for valerie)'.
my new layout will look similar to this:
Tumblr media
(also, this is an insta acc I made to post my pics and js other lil things, follow if u want :D)
always remember me🫡🫡
Tumblr media
I just want to thank you for reading and I would just like to say a few more things.
I absolutely love this community!! I've talked to such amazing and sweet people through feedism. So therefore, I am still into feedism (in general and sexually).
Thank you and now I'm going to sleep because I am sooo tired
4 notes · View notes
izzylegothefirst · 9 months
Text
Tumblr media
TW!!!! Suicide attempt is mentioned during the March of the Oni season along with bullying in Secrets of Forbidden Spinjitzu.
In the movie and in season 8 and up is where Izzy changes her cat gi into a bunny gi!
In Sons of Garmadon Izzy was eager to meet up with Cole (and the others of course) after not seeing them in a long time. She practically squeezed him as tightly as possible! She baked a cake for him but because of his secret diet, he rejected her gift. He claimed that he will eat it later but just ending up throwing it out, which made him feel guilty. When Izzy noticed his new eating habits she panicked if there was something wrong and kept prying until she got an answer out of him. When he finally tells her he gained weight Izzy happily supported him and said that she will always love him no matter what. She also comments how it would simply make it more fun to hug him now as well. Izzy was fascinated by the palace, but she is a country girl by heart and preferred a cozy cottage. She said there was too much space and that if it was her palace she would fill the place up with plushies, gemstones and flowers. She was kind to Harumi at first but the very SECOND she turned on Lloyd she wanted to straight up murder her. Izzy does her best to comfort Lloyd since she had a rough idea about what he was going through. Izzy had a lot of fake friends that turned on her before she joined the ninja. Izzy also absolutely LOVES seeing Cole with baby Wu and became eager to have children with him someday. She also adored Cole's singing and didn't laugh about it, she simply fangirled and kept saying that he had the voice of an angel.
In hunted Izzy becomes a very different person. The girl has (H)ANGER issues. At first she was a paranoid wreck but after a few hours without food...she started to change...into a feral hungry gremlin who was ready to turn cannibal! She crafts spears out of wood and throws them at any lizards she sees crawling around. She actually wanted to eat Faith a few times but the ninja insisted they needed her. Izzy also almost ate Jay at some stage too. She also sometimes crawls around on all fours like a little demon. The second they got back home, Cole took Izzy to mcdonalds to get her some chicken nuggets. The moment she ate them she turned back into her normal self.
In March of the Oni, things get dark. Izzy becomes an absolute wreck. When Cole falls and everyone thought he had died, Izzy just lost it and screamed in absolute agony until her voice became hoarse. She even tried to pull a Juliette and tried to end her life a few times just to join Cole. The others had to watch her carefully when she got like this. She got into a bad argument with Kai and Nya, since Nya said it was her fault, Izzy just lost it and started screaming at her. Kai came in and almost got into a fist fight with Izzy but was stopped by Zane. After a few hours Izzy apologized to Nya before having another wave of violent sobbing. Nya feels horrible and holds onto Izzy as she cries. When Cole came back, Izzy was overwhelmed with joy, she ran to him at full speed and clung onto him tighter than she ever did before. She held onto him and refused to let go, even when the oni arrived and they had to fight. It took everyone to pull Izzy off of Cole!
In Secrets of Forbidden Spinjitzu, Izzy starts to act very differently. While the other became lazy and gained weight, she remained skinny and did not have much of an appetite. No one was really sure what was going on with her. Izzy was still getting hate by their fans and out of desperation she tried to catfish as "a fan of Izzy's" in hopes she can try to talk to these haters and tell them the truth. Perhaps make herself popular as well by posting "fan content" of her and Cole. She drew art of herself and was hoping she and her persona could start a trend that would stop the hate. Things do not end well and she ends up running away by the end of season 11. This is a lead up to Izzy Spirit. I was gonna make it stop motion but now I think I will make it a comic using lego photography and a bit of editing.
4 notes · View notes
Text
Today I'm really feeling really tired of this damn weight thing ... This is my 3rd relapse and I don't know fuck!ng when and how I stop caring about my weight and gain. And I gotta be now so fixated on food and what goes through my hands and what everyone eats and on every single fucking body check. I was so focused on feeling strong and building muscle and now I just want to be fucking skinny and get my collar bones, my hip bones and my thigh gap no matter what. I hate myself for letting everything go and making myself fuck!ng huge and fat. I wanna be small and skinny again... I'm on the right track because I already know the rabbit hole this ana thing is and how everything is gonna be. But I'm gonna hate myself more with the stupid comments everyone is gonna be making "oh you look much better skinny" "oh I'm glad you're caring about yourself again" and them not fuck!ng knowing that I'm sick again until I'm fainting from eating a single blueberry and drinking black coffee everyday, and even when fainting and with those stupid comments, never feeling skinny enough and feeling like the ugliest, fattest mf around.
Let's go down the rabbit hole again...
4 notes · View notes