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adashelbysgirlfriend · 4 years

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Polly’s Daughter - Headcannon

request ; Hey! Would you consider making headcanons for being Polly's lost daughter and how she would react to the daughter just appearing one day telling her that they just told Polly that she's dead to keep her away? And how Polly would react and treat her afterwards + how the rest of the family would? 💜

i think this is a genius idea tbh; mainly because i refuse to believe in a world where Anna Gray isn't alive. I just need Polly to be happy? i don't think thats asking too much. So yer, thank you for this - you've fuelled my domestic fantasy where Polly has a full family and is never sad again. This one also hits hard for me because my mum was adopted as a baby, and I've always grown up wondering who my biological grandma is - so however you are and wherever you are granny i hope youre rocking on and having a good old time!

i kinda wrote this from like the readers point of view? i don't know why i just liked the flow better that way. Anyway, i hope you like it! and NEVER hesitate to send in a Polly related request because i ADORE the woman. Iconic.

i feel like she’d grow up dreaming of a your mum coming to find you

because you were a few years older than

but with every birthday and Christmas without so much as a card, it would kinda harden you into hating Polly for leaving you like that

being moved to Australia and completely giving up on her ever trying to find you

trying really hard to not repeat your mothers mistakes

being as responsible as possible

finally ending up with a family that keeps you around long enough for you to build up some sort of trust system and being a second mum to their other kids

you'd found out your mother was looking for you and freaked the fuck out

shock turned into anger

the woman who left you, didn't love you like any decent mother would, now wanted to meet you on her terms

absolutely not

no way

especially when you heard that the Tommy Shelby of Small Heath was the one putting feelers out for you

but being brought up in the care system (or lack there of it) had made your mind somewhat deviant and street smart

you also knew quite a few undesirable members of society, some of which had a level of power

it wasn't hard for them to formulate a fake paper trail

and just like that, Anna Gray was officially dead

you stayed in Australia but never felt settled again after that

as you got older, became an adult, the earlier anger turned into hurt

why had she left you?

why did she want you back?

i feel like these emotions would brew for a while but it would take a personal event to make you finally snap and want to go find Polly

you’ve always been careful with sleeping with men and not becoming a mum yourself so young but like you end up a month late for your period and are convinced you’re pregnant

queue storm of Angst

never feeling so close to understanding your mums decision as this

you go to the doctors and you aren't, but it sticks with you

or maybe its just when you have to leave your new family and move out alone, you realise how hard it is to be by yourself in the big city and also how much you need family

you go to Birmingham a month later

youre SHIT scared

and not just because youre well aware of the status your mothers family has

massive fear of rejection

youre well aware of the time thats passed in-between her looking for you and you actually showing up

what if she doesn't want to see you anymore?

what if she does but youre just not what she expected and she doesn't want to know you?

standing on her doorstep for like a good half hour before knocking

which alerts the boys that something fishy is going on

her coming to the door and you just standing there like a lemon with no clue what to say even though you've been literally planning this moment for as long as you can remember

finally getting the words out and making Polly the speechless one

she definitely doesn't fully believe you

she wants too, with her whole heart, but she doesn't think its possible for you to be alive so she thinks its some sick joke by one of their enemies

she definitely slaps you

you slap her back obviously

she's crying and shouting and you’re crying and shouting

everyones confused

Tommy and John coming out to break up whatever going on

“who Tommy?! who would send some whore and have them to pretend to be my Anna?”

“Oh IM the whore? who left who? i can't believe i even bothered coming all this way, all you've ever been is a disappointment, i wish i was dead so i never had to meet you “

Tommy and John feeling like they are watching Polly fight with Polly

“Pol, its her”

“How! How can i be her Tom?!”

“Just look at her Pol”

“Holy shit Pol, its definitely her” - John ever so eloquently adding in his two cent

ending up inside with Polly

the lads being nervous to leave you two together just incase you fight again but her sending them away

as soon as you start talking instead of shouting, she can take a proper look at you

and bOY do you look like her

it makes her feel warm and violently sick all in one

she probably actually has to excuse herself to vomit

she just needs to hold you

its a bit uncomfortable and awkward at first but then it all hits you at once and you can't stop yourself from sobbing

she's sobbing too

fuck me man everyones sobbing tbh

just sitting like that for hours, until you have no more tears to cry

“well lass, you’re far too skinny”

feeding you

drawing you a bath

putting the fire on for you

making sure she sets up a bed for you so you’re comfortable and i don't mean calling the maid in to do it, she wants to do it by hand so she knows its perfect

it taking a long time for you to trust her fully

but Polly literally doing everything she can to show you she will always regret losing you that day

finding out it wasn't her fault

“I didn't want to lose you, you or Michael, they took you away but i never ever stopped loving you. I thought about you every morning when i woke up and every night before i went to sleep, even after i thought you were gone’

meeting the boys properly

Tommy is cautious of you at first, not wanting to see Polly hurt but he grows to trust you and love you in his own nonchalant way

John and you being a comedy double act, you get his respect from day one for straight up fighting Polly fucking Gray in the street, and everyone else enjoys seeing him be torn apart by your humour

Arthur sees you as his little sister, would protect you with him whole life

Michael doesn't really remember you that well, but you grow to become siblings again

Ada has you over for sleepovers at least once a week, and youre even trusted to look after little Karl for her, she loves you and is the big sister you never thought you needed, but she also respects you for what you've been through and is always checking in and making sure youre okay and reminding you that youre part of a family now

Finn is probably the first ti accept you because its Finn guys, what an angel we STAN

it definitely takes a while, but youre glad of the day you stepped foot on Polly doorstep

and none of them can imagine life without you now.

#polly gray imagine #polly gray x reader #polly shelby x reader #polly shelby imagine #polly gray #polly gray headcannon #being pollys daughter headcannon #polly shelby #polly shelby headcannon #peaky blinders #peaky blinder imagine #peaky blinder headcanon #anna gray #tommy shelby #arthur shelby #ada shelby #finn shelby #tommy shelby imagine

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flowrxchild · 5 years

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🌼Get To Know Me Tag🌼

Thanks @satans-helper for tagging me!!! This is gonna be a long one so if anyone feels it’s necessary, please tell me to shut up! oke doke les do it❤️

1. What’s your middle name?

Olivia!

2. How old are you?

20, very cool and very funky years..

3. When’s your birthday?

January 8th

4. What’s your zodiac sign?

Capricorn 🐏 also an Aries rising, Libra moon if anyone cares lol

5. What’s your favourite colour?

Rn it’s yellow!

6. What’s your lucky number?

Ok I rlly gotta pick one soon cuz I just don’t have one lol

7. Do you have any pets?

Used to have a chubby brown lab but she was an old girl:( BUT recently I have fed a stray cat enough for him to come back everyday so he is now mine by Ricky Law™️

8. Where are you from?

Toronto, Canada baybee

9. How tall are you?

5’5

10. What shoe size are you?

7 and a half? I think?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Not that many like 5 tops lol

12. What was your last dream about?

Last night I dreamt about going horse back riding?? I woke up like ...she’s a horse girl, I knew it..

13. What talents do you have?

I can draw/paint?? Also I’m a pretty snazzy photographer

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I’m definitely intuitive...I’ve experienced some very strange coincidences in my life...

15. Favourite song?

Jimi Hendrix’ Voodoo Chile

16. Favourite Movie?

Moonrise Kingdom

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

*stares in Josh Kiszka yearn*

18. Do you want children?

Erm not sure yet

19. Do you want a church wedding?

Lol I want whatever the opposite of a church wedding is..

20. Are you religious?

Nope.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Yes. I’m so clumsy I am a danger to myself at this point...

22. Have you ever gotten in trouble with the law?

No I’m literally a baby chicken and will cry if u raise ur voice at me

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

Not formally? I’ve seen a lot of random celebrities just walking around tho cuz I live in a big city

24. Baths or showers?

Showers, practically but I love me a good bath now and again

25. What color socks are you wearing?

Im not wearing any ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ;-) Sam Kiszka tease ;-) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

26. Have you ever been famous?

One time my painting was put into a community art gallery and they took my photo for the local newspaper except they made the centre fold of the page fold into the picture around my face so it got all distorted and it was like when Mike Wazowski was in the Monsters Inc commercial...

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Not rlly..

28. What type of music do you like?

Rock, folk and indie but I will listen to anything

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes. Me and my friends do it every year as a cottage tradition!

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

3...I need to be snuggled AND supported

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

I don’t sleep unless I curl up into the smallest ball possible like a friggin cat

32. How big is your house?

She smol

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Literally just coffee most days. I love anarchy

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Nope. Don’t have the desire to either.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

I have not but I’ve always wanted to!

36. Favourite clean word?

Cozzy

37. Favourite swear word?

Cunty but like as an adjective

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Not rlly sure...probably only a day. I’m a very sleepy person

39. Do you have any scars?

Yep

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

If I told you, they wouldn’t be secret ;-)

41. Are you a good liar?

No not at all. My face gives it away so badly

42. Are you a good judge of character?

I like to think so. My first impressions of people tend to be true.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Ya but not well ahsgag

44. Do you have a strong accent?

I don’t think I do, but my family from the states always says we have the stereotypical “Canadian accent”.

45. What is your favourite accent?

I loooove Irish accents. I find them very pleasing to hear!

46. What’s your personality type?

INFP-T to be precise

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

My prom dress I think? I got it a Free People for 90$ and at that store, that’s a steal...

48. Can your curl your tongue?

Yeth

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

If this is referring to my belly button then, innie

50. Left or right handed?

Right handed

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Ew ya

52. Favourite food?

Ok my fave food is also my fave foreign food and it’s Indian!

53. Favourite foreign food?

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

messy...ITS CAREFUL CHAOS OK?

55. Most used phrase?

I really am not sure...

56. Most used word?

probably ‘like’. Yes I’m gen Z, yes I have trouble articulating my thoughts. And what about it???

57. How long does it take you to get ready?

I need at least an hour...I like to plan

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I don’t think so??

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

If you bite lollipops, you’re in jail now, I don’t make the law.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

Yes, I’m the funniest person I know.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Yes, funny you ask, I’m not only the funniest person I know, but also North America’s greatest entertainer!

62. Are you a good singer?

No! But I will preform for myself and the spiders living in my room. Yes, we exist!

63. Biggest fear?

Losing the people I love, being trapped.

64. Are you a gossip?

No yuck i hate it.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

this is too broad and difficult but The Witch. It’s spooky and dramatic.

66. Do you like long or short hair?

I don’t rlly have a preference...

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Probably if I try really really hard lol as a Canadian, this is a good road trip game

68. Favourite school subject?

Art or English!

69. Extrovert or introvert?

Introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

No but something about makes me anxious

71. What makes you nervous?

I would really love to find something that doesn’t make me anxious. Let’s start with that.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

No! I find it comforting sometimes actually

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Depends. I hate confrontation so I only do it if it really matters...

74. Are you ticklish?

Ok I wanna know who isn’t! Like whomst is not ticklish??

75. Have you ever started a rumour?

I hope not...I would feel very stinky

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

If by authority you mean telling my sister to get out of my unassigned-assigned spot on the couch even though my voice cracks a little as I do it causing her to laugh even harder, than yes.

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Yes. *police sirens grow closer*

78. Have you ever done drugs?

I have done a weed or 2. Yes

79. Who was your first real crush?

My neighbour lol

80. How many piercings do you have?

3! My ears and also my cartilage! Used to have my septum, but it caused me too many problems so i let it grow over :(

81. Can you roll your R’s?

Ya!

82. How fast can you type?

So fast *spongebob voice* wanna see me do it again?

83. How fast can you run?

I would probably be the first to go in a horror movie

84. What colour is your hair?

Dark brown

85. What colour are your eyes?

Brown

86. What are you allergic to?

Nothing substantial.

87. Do you keep a journal?

Ya I do!

88. What do your parents do?

My mums a school secretary and my dads a fraud investigator

89. Do you like your age?

U know what, ya..I can’t complain.

90. What makes you angry?

Injustice and rudeness

91. Do you like your own name?

Ya I don’t mind it

92. Have you already thought of baby names if so what are they?

I mean I have names that I like but it’s not something I write down so I always forgot lol

93. Do you want a boy or a girl child?

I really couldn’t care less

94. What are your strengths?

Physically, I’m a sack of bones with the upper body strength of a new born baby but I like to think my sense of humour makes me tolerable *finger guns*

95. What are your weaknesses?

I am one frightened human bean.

96. How did you get your name?

Tru story: throughout my moms whole pregnancy, everyone including the doctors were convinced I was gonna be a boy because they could never get a clear look at me in the ultra sounds so my parents had only picked out boy names until I was born to which they changed their choice of “Eric” to Erika :))

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Not at all lol

98. Do you have any scars?

Did I already answer this one? I think I did?

99. Colour of your bedspread?

White with pink floral pattern! (From ikea lol)

100. Colour of your room?

It’s an off-white

Ok I wanna tag these lovely beans @pe2chie @turntonightfirelight @camomillacatalina @witchgoddess @blackdressedtinyone 💗💗💗

#tag game #get to know me tag #ty!!

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starryseo · 5 years

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torn. | han jisung + lee felix

pairing ↠ jisung x gender neutral!reader, felix x gn!reader

genre ↠ fluff? bit angsty- royalty au!

wc ↠ 5501

summary ↠ how can one follow their heart when it’s split in two?

warnings ↠ none!

a/n ↠ instead of writing 2 different fics for their bdays i’ve given u the best of both worlds :) enjoy :)

being the only heir to the throne was extremely difficult

you had to go through so many different classes, formal events and gatherings in a single day

and it was vvv stressful

your parents insisted on you joining in on their meetings with other higher-ups so you could understand how to deal with each person

and although you knew it was only going to benefit you when you inevitably took over

you really just wanted a break

time alone was so fleeting and you hated that

whenever you had time to relax or enjoy yourself, you’d be too tired to actually do so properly

as much as you enjoyed some of the lessons, like archery (your personal trainer minho was definitely a Sight to see) and cookery (bc mrs han would always let you eat the food you made)

it was extremely tiring and you wished for just one day where you could do absolutely nothing

you always envied the people that werent of your status, people that didnt (quite literally) have a kingdom thrust upon their shoulders

they got to enjoy the finer things in life: normal conversations with their families; they could go out wherever, buy things for themselves and admire the country’s scenery

instead, you were stuck with only ever having meetings with your parents to discuss upcoming deals, people showering you with unwanted gifts to woo you over, and accompanied walks out into your garden

you couldn’t even walk in your own garden alone

there was, however, one special thing that you did look forward to seeing everyday

and that came in the form of an 18 year old boy

han jisung.

han jisung was as close to perfection you thought anyone could get

having practically grown up with the boy, you thought you knew everything there was to know about him

and vice versa, of course

he was your confidant

the only one you could go to when your stress was too high and you had no idea how to cope

he’d seen you through a lot of bad days but his smile alone could always brighten up your mood

he was extremely caring

always putting your needs before his own despite you insisting he treats you as an equal

you knew he didn’t do it bc of your status, it really was just how he was as a person

even to complete strangers, he was always so nice, helping them out without a care

you really wondered how he could be so carefree when outside the castle

this one time he had snuck you out of the castle during your lesson with him

you looked so sad when you came to the stable for your horseriding lesson and his heart ached as soon as he saw your frown

and almost instantly he knew what to do!!

since your horseriding lessons took place inside the castle, your bodyguard didn’t stay with you, entrusting jisung with your safety instead

and he decided that an impromptu trip to the great Outside was exactly what you needed!

so, sneaking out through the back of the stables, donning jisung’s jacket, hat and a face mask, you both escaped the castle

this side of the castle was for the common people that worked inside, like the maids, chefs, stableboys, and when mrs han, your favourite cookery teacher and also jisung’s mum, saw you trying to leave, she simply smiled, waving for the common guards to let you through

he shot a thankful grin at his mum before grabbing your hand, taking you out of the castle

when he wasnt training you and the horses, he spent his time going out of the castle, bringing back small things from his adventures

you didn’t like people showering you with riches, but the small flowers and hand-made bracelets jisung brought back were exceptions to that

he weaved expertly through the hustle and bustle, taking you to a quaint cafe nearby

your grip on his hand tightened - what if people recognised you? word would spread and you would be in so much trouble!

yet, as soon as jisung rubbed your hand soothingly, turning to give you a reassuring smile, all your worries vanished

this cafe was one you frequented (when you escaped your royal walls with jisung)

so when changbin, the owner’s son, saw jisung and a ridiculously-disguised figure (you) walk in, he snickered, ushering you two over into the backroom

he snuck some food and hot drinks to you both during his shift as you snuck away

although you always had to be on alert, jisung’s relaxed demeanour rubbed off on you

you enjoyed doing things like this with him, not caring about your next lesson, or the plethora of princes/esses you had to impress next

you loved just sitting on the floor with him, sharing a plate of cookies and all your secrets

“thank you for this, ji” you sighed, leaning your back against the wall as you sipped on your drink

“don’t worry ‘bout it!” you scrunched your nose when he grinned, cookie crumbs lining the corner of his lips

you raised your hand to wipe away the crumbs, but as soon as your finger touched him, he jumped back

“how indecent, sunshine! the royal highness touching someone as lowly as me? what would your parents say?”

you rolled your eyes at his joke, leaning your head on his shoulder

“you, lowly? you’re better than nearly everyone in that castle, ji”

“what do you mean ‘nearly’? i thought i was your best friend!” he nudged you, a massive pout on his face

“well, you are my best friend, but that’s nothing compared to minho’s face, seriously,,,”

“yeah, im definitely telling your parents this now”

“hey i was joking,” you smiled, poking his side so he would laugh instead of pouting more, “you’re my favourite person in that castle”

“hey lovebirds, shouldn’t you be heading back to the castle?” changbin popped into the kitchen, hanging up his apron, “you’ve been here for almost an hour”

at that, both your and jisung’s carefree attitudes were gone like the wind, eyes wide and bodies rigid as you realised you had to leave. now.

as quickly as you both could, you ran out of the cafe

you don’t know when jisung reached back to hold your hand, pulling you along with him, but a sudden warmth filled you, and you were sure it wasn’t bc of the unexpected exercise

you arrived just a split second before guards had come into the common house, demanding to know where you were since you weren’t waiting by the stables like usual

“i’m fine, i was just a bit hungry so i asked mrs han for some food!”

your bodyguard nodded at that, waiting for you start walking so he could guard you

just as he went ahead to open the doors, you turned around, waving wildly at jisung who was already returning the gesture, and you mouthed a quick ‘thank you!’ before following your guard back to the castle grounds

han jisung was like a sunrise, you always thought

not only because he could brighten your days with the smallest of smiles, but because he was a wisp of fresh air from your tedious life

he always had a trick up his sleeve, something new and surprising to ignite your life, just like the sun rose and breathed life into everything it shone down upon

whenever you saw him, you were sure you could literally see him glow, a heavenly light outlining him because there was no way on earth jisung was anything less than an angel

he was, in simple terms, stunning

even tho he couldnt understand exactly what you went through on a daily basis, he tried so hard to relate to you, knowing exactly what to do to make you feel better

and for that, you couldn’t be more grateful

weeks had passed and your life went as it normally did until one thursday evening

the dining room was filled with its usual quietude, cutlery clinking against plates as you ate your food in peace

although you wished your parents would speak up more, ask you how your day went and not be so focussed on business, you took notice of their tired eyes and held-back yawns

nonetheless, you enjoyed simply being in their presence without deadlines looming over you and the constant nagging from your counsellors

just as you were about to break the silence your father spoke up

he cleared his throat to catch your attention before speaking, “tomorrow, the royal family from our sister country will be coming over to stay”

“o-oh? why?” you furrowed your eyebrows at your father’s announcement

it had been a while since you had last seen that family alone

of course you saw them whenever your family held large events but they hadn’t visited, and stayed over, at your castle in a while

“conflict has been rising at the borders, and you know we cannot be having wars start between our countries”

you nodded and your father continued eating, ending the talk there

you headed straight to bed after that, but you found it hard to sleep because your mind kept wondering back to the family that were arriving soon

or, more specifically, the prince

lee felix.

you woke up grumpily the next morning, having stayed up a few hours later than usual simply because you couldnt sleep

the knocking at your door was getting louder and you could barely hear your maid, hana, yell out your name

grumbling, you got out of bed, pulling open the door. “what’s the matter hana?”

“your highness, the lee family has arrived, why aren’t you ready?”

“i just woke up-”

“oh goodness!” you watched her panic, stuttering something about how your parents would have her head for your lateness, eyes wide in fear, and you laughed to ease her worries

“hana, please, calm down. i’ll wash up, but could you get my clothes?”

she nodded before scurrying off to piece together your attire and accessories

and you made the quickest run ever to get yourself cleaned and presentable

of all days to oversleep, you sighed, shaking your head to push away your fatigue

you groaned at the clothes hana haid lain out on your bed; they looked uncomfortably rich and you couldnt wait to get out of them already

you tried to walk into the dining hall as quietly as possible, but the conversation that was going on stopped as soon as you entered, 5 pairs of eyes on you the second you stepped past the door

you walked forward, bowing your head and greeting the family in front of you, them returning the gesture

king lee smiled as you sat down, joking, “how nice of you to finally join us!”

you stuttered out an apology, looking away nervously, but he shook his head to dismiss your worries

your eyes flittered to felix who was sitting in the seat furthest away from you

he was already looking at you, smiling when you caught his eye and you adored how his eyes crinkled at the corners

you had zoned out as the adults talked and, occasionally, when you and felix made eye contact, he’d pull a weird face

you bit your lips to hold back your laugh but he joined you in grinning

after finishing breakfast, your mother proposed you take felix on a tour of the house as the adults talked over the issues at hand

"anywhere you’d like to go in particular?”

“surprise me, your highness” he nudged your side, eyes eagerly wandering around the halls of your home

you rolled your eyes at what he called you, “since when have you been the formal type?”

he shrugged, smirking, “just thought it was fitting,” he winked at you before walking ahead, “let’s go to the gardens!”

“thought you wanted me to surprise you...” you mumbled, picking up your pace to catch up with him

he waited by the doors leading outside, just so he could hold them open for you and when you thanked him, he let out a teasing, “anything for you, your highness”

“i have a name for a reason, felix, please use it”

“but i like calling you ‘your highness’, your highness”

“it sounds so... so weird though, we’ve known each other since we were kids, we practically grew up together”

“better get used to it then, your royal highness”

you let out a horrid groan at his insistence on the nickname

if there was one thing you remembered about felix

it was that he was stubborn as anything

when you were kids this trait usually transferred into competitiveness and a desire to constantly beat you - he would always beg for rematches if you ever beat him

now his persisting nature made you want to poke him until he stopped, but, since he was your guest, you would try to hold off on doing that for as long as you could

“oh, you remember jisung, right?” you asked, leading him down a familiar path

when you were younger and felix visited, the 2 of you would play outside in the garden and then sneak away to the common area to play with jisung too

the visits became infrequent as you grew older, but jisung was always acting as a waiter at formal events, so the 2 boys still would have seen each other around the castle

“of course i do”

it was a normal reply, and yet you sensed some sort of underlying bitterness when he said that because the ever-present smile on his face wilted slightly at the mention of the other boy

you brushed it off as you overanalysing - felix really had no reason to hate jisung, and you’d never seen the 2 of them fight, nor had either come to you, complaining about the other

you led him to the common house, knocking on the door to the entrance, before going in

you greeted the people lounging around there, snickering slightly as they rushed to welcome felix in properly

you noticed how some of the staff blushed as felix smiled at them, nervously giggling in front of him and you cringed slightly

you held back your laguh as they grew nervous in his presence, but he didn’t seem to mind, his grin growing larger as though he knew what effect he was having on them

“hey mrs han, where’s ji?”

“good morning, your highnesses, he went out to get some food, he should be coming back soon”

“is it alright if we wait here for him?”

“of course!” she smiled, eyes tired but still shining - you admired her pure enthusiasm and the hard work she put into everything she did

she swatted off the other workers that were lazing around so you could sit down

“it’s a pleasure to see you again, prince felix,” mrs han said, placing a plate of warm cookies on the small table in front of you

“the pleasure is all mine, mrs han,” felix beamed, “and might i say, you look like you haven’t aged since the last time i saw you!”

“you are too kind, my prince,” she laughed at his compliment, “he’s a keeper, isn’t he, y/n?”

felix turned to you when mrs han said that, throwing you an exaggerated wink

“he’s a real catch,” you said, voice monotoned and he nudged you at your lack of enthusiasm

“c’mon your highness,” felix teased, lifting your hand to press a kiss in the back before ending with a wink, “admit it.”

you dont know why your hand warmed at the contact, nor why you felt a weird fluttery feeling in your stomach at the overused action, yet you didn’t exactly hate what you were going through

before you could reply, you heard someone clear their throat to break the conversation

“ji!” you exclaimed, jumping from your seat, “felix is here!”

“so it seems,” he murmured, eyes unmoving from felix’s face

you turned to felix, only to see him staring straight back at jisung, eyes unblinking

you looked at mrs han, raising a brow, confused at their awkward behaviour, and she just shook her head, mumbling, “boys...” before grabbing the bags from jisung’s hands and walking off

“alright,” you clapped, breaking both boys out of their stare-off, “let’s go outside!”

“you two go ahead, i’ve got something to do,” jisung murmured

“please, ji, we came here just for you,” you pouted, pulling his wrist to make him join you

“i’ll come later, i swear, y/n,” he replied, lightly squeezing your hand in promise

you nodded before leaving with felix, but you couldnt help feel something was off about him

he hadn’t called you by your name in years.

you and felix had decided to stay outside, sitting on one of the benches just to catch up with each other

mrs han had, kindly enough, sent someone over with a basket of food for you to snack on as you listened to felix talk about his friends

“i’ve missed this, you know?”

“missed what?” you asked, quickly swallowing a bite of your sandwich

“this, us, the two of us being with each other”

“o-oh” you mumbled, staring down at the food in your hand, “it has been a while hasn’t it?”

you tried to skirt around the topic, not knowing exactly what he meant or why he would miss you so much

you were avoiding his gaze, but you could still feel his eyes peering at the side of your face

“please look at me,” he whispered, and you dont know what exactly it was about his voice, but despite your sudden shyness at the topic, you felt compelled to look at him

he slowly grabbed your hand, the touch warming you instantly as he rubbed circles on the back of your hand

his eyes were glistening under the sun, roaming all over your face as soon as you turned to him

all you could focus on was him

his eyes

his freckles

his lips-

“hope i’m not interrupting anything!”

thank god for jisung bc you dont know how much longer you could stay unmoving under felix’s intense gaze

as soon as you looked at your best friend, felix had turned away too, scooting away from you and you wondered if he’d been that close to you the whole time

“you came!” you cheered as enthusiastically as possible, but felix’s actions were just replaying in your mind and jisung could tell there was something off about the both of you now

jisung had run the short distance left to you, sitting himself in the gap between you and felix

“so, sunshine, why’d you so desperately want to see me?”

“i wasn’t desperate, you fool, i just wanted all of us to hang out together, like old times”

“ah yes, the dream team plus felix,” although he was only joking, smirk on his face clearly showing that, only you and jisung had laughed at that

“hey, i was just kidding,” he said, nudging felix when said boy just carried on staring at the ground

“i gathered” felix grumbled, sighing before standing up, “i need to use the bathroom”

“i can show you-”

“i’ll find it myself.” he cut you off, walking in the direction of the castle

“whats got the prince so grumpy?” jisung asked rhetorically

you shrugged, his actions still reeling in your mind

“let me guess,” jisung started, “he got all moody as soon as i came, right?”

“now that you mention it, yes, he did, but what has that got to do with anything?”

in all your time knowing the two boys, they had never argued in front of you; the three of you always played together nicely, albeit they both were closer to you than they were to each other, but you just assumed that was because they never knew each other that well

now that you were all older, you hoped they had grown out of their childish ways, but apparently not

“um, everything??” jisung spoke, like everything he was saying was clear as day, “he’s probably jealous of us because i’m pretty sure he likes you.”

you laughed at that

hysterically

felix??? liking you?? that was CrazyTM even for that wild child

“seriously jisung i dont know how you came up with that, but that was a good one”

“for once, y/n, im not joking”

your chuckles died down when you noticed he really wasnt laughing with you

your eyebrows furrowed, confusion already lacing your words as you asked “why would he even like me?”

“beats me,” he joked, shrugging his shoulders and, despite that being a harmless, dismissive action, it hurt

so much

sure, jisung was your best friend but was there really nothing about you that he liked?

you hated how much a small gesture like that got to you, but you couldnt stop the sadness bubbling inside of you even if you tried

“wow, thanks,” you scoffed, dusting off your clothes before standing up, “i’m going to see if felix is okay.”

“wait, y/n-” he jumped up, pulling you back to him by your wrist. “i didn’t mean it like that, i-”

“it’s whatever, jisung,” you tugged your hand out of his grasp before walking back to the castle

you wanted to hear him out, he looked so desperate to talk to you, but your mind was hazy with so many different thoughts and emotions you just need to get away from him

so you walked back inside, taking your time as you climbed the staircase to the room that felix was staying in

you knocked on his bedroom door, entering when you heard a low, “come in”

he was sitting on the edge of his bed, elbows resting on his knees as he stared at the ground, his hands covering his face

you rushed over to him, quickly shutting the door behind you, before you crouched in front of him

gently holding his wrists, you moved his hands away from his face

you brushed away his hair that had fallen in front of his face, glad to see that he wasn’t crying

but his crestfallen expression wasnt heartwarming either

he had barely glanced up at you, finding the carpet much more intriguing to stare at

“talk to me, felix, what’s the matter?”

“nothing, it’s stupid,” he sighed, falling back onto the bed. once again, he covered his eyes with his forearm.

you lay down besides him on the bed, staring at the ceiling

you both stayed like that for a while, completely silent, but it was comforting just being besides felix like that

jisung’s words were running through your head and, although you felt bad for leaving him like that, you were curious as to whether or not there was any truth behind his words

could lee felix really like you?

“hey, felix?”

he hummed, arm unmoving, to tell you he was listening

“has this got something to do with jisung?”

he let out a long sigh before turning onto his side to face you

you mirrored his position, staring at his face to see him doing the same

he bit his lip, closing his eyes as though he was contemplating what to say

when he finally opened his eyes again, you listened to him intently

“in a way, yes?” he started, chuckling a bit, “this is going to sound so stupid, but, i guess i just envy the two of you.”

you furrowed your brows, pouting slightly at hearing his confession - why did he feel jealous though? jisung was right about that part-

“stop doing that,” felix whined, his own lips pouting

your eyes widened at his sudden exclamation, “doing what exactly?”

“stop being so cute”

“felix-”

“i like you, okay? i’ve liked you for so long, but jisung likes you too and it kills me because i know that you’d pick him over me any day”

you couldnt believe jisung was actually right.

felix seriously liked you?

liked you as more than just a friend??

your thoughts were going haywire, his confession playing like a broken record in your mind

“i-i didn’t know-”

he laughed at that, facing the ceiling once more, “that’s kind of the whole point of a crush”

you were stunned.

how were you even supposed to reply to that??

“it’s hard not to like you, really.” he started, and you noticed his cheeks turning rosy with every word he spoke. “you’re so down-to-earth, unlike a lot of the other royals we meet who are conceited and full of themselves, you’re so kind to people, but you won’t ever let them push you around or take you for granted, y’know? and you’re always hands on, you love helping others out even when your parents or mrs han are telling you not to; god, i could go on for eternity about the little things i like about you y/n...”

by the time he had said all of that, he was facing you once more, hand slowly coming to rest on your cheek as he stared closely at you

“do you remember the first time we met?”

small smiles crossed both of your faces as you thought back to childhood memories

“of course i do, at the hwang palace”

hwang hyunjin was like a brother to felix, despite being the prince of a different country

the two were practically inseperable - whenever there was a formal event taking place, you would always find one right beside the other

you remembered that day very clearly. it was one of the first times you had actually left your country for a function. before that, your parents had kept you at home to review work since they thought you were too young to be out at large, noisy social events

so when you rocked up at the hwang party, hiding behind your dad’s leg as he greeted other kings, hyunjin and felix took the initiative to grab your hands and literally drag you away to the other kids there

hyunjin disappeared a little while after to beg the cooks to sneak you kids some food

and felix whisked you away to hyunjin’s room

at first you were scared (bc 2 boys were dragging you away and your parents were just smiling at you to have fun)

but you realised they werent all that bad. felix made you feel really welcome as he shared the food already in hyunjin’s room

you both played with the toys and half-built fort felix and hyunjin had already set up

and by the time hyunjin had come back with a massive bag full of sweets you were 100 per cent you didnt ever want to leave these two

you were literally on the verge of crying when hyunjin’s maid came up telling you that you had to go

you and felix were literally begging your parents to stay but to no avail :(((

that continued on for years after that until the 3 of you had grown up and it was no longer socially acceptable for 3 royals to go into a bedroom together for hours on end bc who knows what would be going on in there

you’d still catch felix sending you sly grins when you met him in the hall and he’d always jokingly ask you to dance with him

and each time you’d send him away or run to hyunjin to save you

spoiler: he never saves you

so you’d end up dancing with felix and it would be so bad

you knew he could dance bc he had put on performances at his own family’s events

but here you two were too busy laughing and chatting away to try to not step on the other’s feet

“i was so sad when hyunjin came back up, y’know?”

“why? we were in his room,” you laughed at his childish behaviour

“because,” he whined, “we were having so much fun together and you were the first kid that actually came up and joined us, everyone else stayed with their parents”

“i mean, i didnt have much choice did i? you two dragged me upstairs to play with you.”

“touche-”

by now both of you were staring at the ceiling again, thinking back on many childhood memories

“it wasn’t love,” he started, “we were 7 i dont think i even knew what love was then, but i could just- i don’t know, i could tell there was smth about you then. and when we met up after that i think i just fell for you a bit more each time.”

it was so odd hearing felix talk about how he liked you

the boy was always joking around, a grin plastered on his face, but here he was speaking so earnestly and it left you completely speechless

you couldnt lie to yourself

you had thought about felix in some romantic way before

as you grew up your parents would always make comments about how you and felix were so close

add that to the fact that both of your parents were very close too

you honestly thought you’d end up marrying felix one day to satisfy your parents and your nations

of course the topic of marriage wasnt for another few years but these thoughts had bombarded your mind every now and then - more so when your father announced the lees would be coming over

but right now, as you lay besides him, mind an utter mess, you had no clue how to respond to him

all thoughts abruptly stopped as soon felix spoke

“can i kiss you?”

your thoughts went wild after that, but somewhere in that mess you vaguely remember nodding before one of you moved close and the other even closer, diminshing any distance between the two of you

it was short but lasting

his hand came up and rested on your cheek, barely holding onto you like you were the finest china he had ever laid hands on

so scared to break you, yet unwilling to let you go

his touch was warm and comforting, like a sunrise, appreciation and love washing over you in blissful waves

you pulled away from him, his eyes slowly opening at crinkling at the edges as he grinned

“you dont know how long ive wanted to do that for”

you laughed at his excitement and the smile on his face, but the door slamming shut broke you out of this joyous moment

you had a sinking feeling you knew who was there and without wasting a second you got up

your mind barely registered felix calling your name out as you ran out, quickly catching up to jisung who was halfway down the stairs already

“ji, please wait!”

“why?? you seemed perfectly fine up there with prince charming!”

he stopped where he was, turning around and watching as you ran down until you were just a step in front of him

“can you just- can you please just talk to me, ji.” you sighed, holding onto his wrists gently so he wouldn’t run away again, although you felt he wouldn’t try anyways. “what’s wrong?”

“me! i’m what’s wrong!”

“i don’t underst-”

“god, y/n, i’m in love with you!”

and you froze.

you were glad jisung was holding onto your arms bc you lost your grip on any rational thoughts

you felt his hand slowly leave yours, instead trailing up your arm, your shoulder, your neck, until he reached your face, thumb running over your rosy cheek as he brushed away the stray hairs

“i’m sorry you had to find out like this,” he started, voice so quiet but so loud in your mind. “but i’m not sorry i feel this way. i probably should,” he chuckled, “but i don’t.”

you vaguely remember his fingers weaving through your hair as he pulled you closer to him, his breathing light as he murmured a small, “may i?”

and you nodded.

you dont know who moved first or who closed the gap between you, but you remember him.

his lips brushing yours gently before he pressed against you with more passion

his other hand dropped your wrist, finding sanctuary on your waist as he drew you closer and you gravitated towards him so naturally, so easily, he smiled into the kiss

your hands found purchase on his chest, his heart’s rythmic beating playing like a melody in your palm and you grinned too

soon enough you broke away, faces mere centimeters apart, both of you blushing and beaming

“you’re so stunning, sunshine” he breathed, not breaking the tranquility of the moment

and you couldn’t help but look away shyly, his gaze too endearing and intimate for you to handle

when you look back up his eyes are focussed on the top of the staircase and you worry your parents or staff are there, fuming

but when you turn around your heart dropped because there, at the end of the staircase, is felix.

hhhhhhhhhhh do i even need to explain how sorry i am that this took literal months to post??? the ending was killing me bc i didnt know how to write it and then personal stuff came up but nOW it’s finally done!!!! im gonna get smth up for jeongin’s bday too (lets pray i can actually post it before february ends). hope u enjoyed reading this!!!!

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maggotmouth · 5 years

Text

rises from the dead like mushu hullo it’s nora ( gmt, she/her) n i’m sorry didnt do my intro yesterday, i woke up in a bath, happy new year. anyway bridget is a mess, the angsty socialist leftie liberal who gets fucked at the pub and goes off on one about immigration or the welfare state or the pay gap. very talkative n bubbly, carefree but also.... cares too much. always in docs but only the vegan ones. usually in a beret with an anarchist symbol painted on it. wears a long green trench coat covered in badges for alt punk rock bands or a red denim jacket that she hacked into a crop jacket with a pair of kitchen scissors. film nerd. got in on a partially subsidised scholarship and works in a bar and a fast food place to pay for her accomodation.

heres a pinboard. everythin else is below this cut, like this post n i’ll smash that im button for plots x

it might be HER SOPHOMORE year but I still think BRIDGET MATUSIAK looks exactly like MARGARET QUALLEY and sometimes I think the FEMALE is actually them. Of course I’m wrong, as they’re TWENTY and studying FILM while living in FIDELIS here at Lockwood. The ARIES can be rather CANDID and GARRULOUS, but also kind of FICKLE and ERRATIC. Their most played song on Spotify was NOBODY REALLY CARES IF YOU DON’T GO TO THE PARTY by COURTNEY BARNETT, so I think that says a lot.

bridget n her mum alice were more like sisters growing up, probably because of the closeness in age. alice should’ve known that you couldn’t have a thirteen-year-old-daughter at 27 without everyone knowing you’d been one of those girls who gave it away fast as a hot potato, and maybe bridget should have known that she’d inherit more than her mother’s wide eyes, that things had a way of circling back, that at fourteen she too would lose it on the floor of a swimming pool changing room, soggy back, poka-dot nylon pulled down to her ankles.

her parents met in high school. her mother alice was a roman catholic – uneducated in matters of safe sex, mother mary around her neck, bras hanging over wooden crucifixes – and willing to give it to the first boy who seemed interested enough, gift-wrapped or not.

i say they met in high school, bridget’s dad wasn’t actually in school, they met at the high school. he was the father to a girl down the road. alice knew nothing of the girl besides her name and the few encounters in the corridors facing a stoney stare that screamed homewrecker. it only happened once, but once was enough. soon the pitter patter of tiny feet sounded along the hall of the home for wayward women, alice’s parents having thrown her out as soon as they knew a child was growing in her womb.

gilly (referred to as junior) was born two years later, the son of a mechanic and handyman named gilbert “gilly” senior, who - while a slow-witted man – was likable enough. alice, gilly bridget & junior lived in a colorado trailer park and whenever she wasn’t at school bridget would be in gilly’s workshop doin her homework surrounded by parts of exhausts. was raised in a workshop basically.

like her mother, bridget fell pregnant barely out of her gingham print dresses, hair in two plaits down her back, teddies still lining her bed. unlike her mum, she was not box-shipped out to a home for fallen women but rather booked into a clinic, given a pill, just like taking your vitamins.

her mother flaked out when bridget was around fifteen and junior was twelve, leaving gil to adopt the two as legal guardian and raise them in the forge. she’s lived with gilly ever since. they’re not sure where their mother went. some say she rededicated herself as a virgin and joined the convent in penance for her sins. some say she works in a las vegas strip club and sells pills to minors.

used to do sponsored silences and hunger strikes for kids in third world countries. was that kid in school who was always raising money something. i mean its kinda cute but also she just wanted the acclaim and attention so.... and most of the time it didn’t even make it to the disadvantaged kids she was raising it for cos her mom needed rent money or to buy the kids new shoes n they could barely afford much themselves

she’s a strident feminist, an activist for human rights and animal rights, a vocal vegetarian and an all-round soapbox sadie. catch her in the quad shouting about human rights through a megaphone.

aesthetic: cuffed jeans, thrifted or stolen. white converse, more grey tbh through years of wear. crop tops and plaid shirts tied round her waist. a long green trench coat with loads of badge pins for alt-rock bands and independent films. red denim jacket, also covered in badges n pins. smudged mascara. glitter smeared over cheekbones from the previous night. cigarette smoke shrouding you like a veil, the red string of a thong peaking out purposely from jeans, roller blades, cut knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your dad wouldn’t take you, kate moss posters lining the walls of a teenage bedroom, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

an aspiring screenwriter. she has a very image-based view of memory and experience. always doing a screenplay or shooting film. her style has a lot of catholic iconography (think virgin suicides styler or baz luhrmann’s romeo + juliet if it was done on a super 8 camera) bcos catholicism is one of the few things she remembers about her mother. she’s never actually tried to find her mum / find out about her, jst…. occasionally channels that energy into her work.

hypersexual and kinda manic-depressive (though not diagnosed) probs bcos her upbringing was a bit unstable, she started life in a house that was literally designed to rehabilitate “fallen women” and she was a looked after child for a while when the adoption papers were still going through… struggles a lot with feeling unwanted, especially since her grandparesnts refuse to acknowledge her existence cos she was born outside of marriage….. so she craves feeling wanted,, like despite being a real women’s rights activist ad hating objectification, at the same time to bridge there’s nothing better than someone sizing you up with hunger in their eyes

she’s queer, but i guess she favours women, and is incredibly vocal in her support of the lgbt+ movement. often at ralleys. has done a face-sitting protest. really is that bitch

there’s a degree of anger for anger’s sake in bridget. she likes passionate, angry music – particularly garage rock, punk and riot grrrl. she loves the slits and skinny girl diet. viv albertine inspired her to take up bass guitar.

working two jobs to pay for uni currently !! works at the bowling alley polishing the shpes and fixing the bowling lanes, and also is a burger flipper at mcdonalds. a lot of her time is spent in the record store, plugged into a set of headphones, head-banging in the corner to a scratched record. music, for birdie, is a form of escapism. that and dropping acid in parking lots lmao.

massive film buff. is majoring in film at uni also spends a lot of time at the movie theatre n probably has like a season ticket. is one of those pretentious film nerds who’s like “what do u think of goddard’s work?” but also just really into shitty horror movies

she spends her evenings in downtown bars willing away her boredom, trying to find something that’ll jerk her out of apathetic lethargy. she toys with the idea of becoming a stripper — it certainly pays better than fixing bowling lanes — but she lacks the energy to dance for several hours a night.

she loves b movies and slasher flicks. at parties, she’ll occasionally try to make a horror of her own, on a super 8 camera in someone’s basement, very paranormal activity, but she’ll inevitably get bored, or too drunk and give up, like she does with most things in her life. she lacks drive and motivation. she’s bright but there’s no hunger in her.

writes shitty poems on the back of napkins and quotes dead philosophers she’s never read. romanticises herself a lot. like will be standing there in a ripped t-shirt and her undies smoking a cig like “hmmm… i bet someone is falling in love with me right now”

is vegetarian for environmental reasons but snorts coke at parties ?? sis, it don’t add up

loves dirt. ate a worm once because someone dared her too. shamelessly disgusting.

she’s slightly obsessed with true crime, up late watching documentaries on the manson family murders.

she’s fickle and enigmatic. one moment she could be your best friend, the next, she’ll behave like a total stranger. bridget’s unpredictable because she’s still unsure of her own identity, frequently flitting between different characters, like snake skins, before she grows bored of being bubbly and eager and becomes spiteful again. her core personality traits are probably forthright, impulsive, restless, thrill-seeking, selfish, melancholic.

an awful person, really

feel free to im me if u wanna plot, here are some plot ideas i stole, or, like this post and i’ll hit u with a message!

#lw:intro #alma's will be coming in jst a sec

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acidwaste · 6 years

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hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job: oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

#acid.txt #this took a while but :wahoo:

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ihateharrystyles · 7 years

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92 Truths

Thank you @narryart @gayanqel and @androgynoustyles for tagging me I love you guys <3

LAST… [1] drink: water [2] phone call: My sister [3] text message: to this guy called James [4] song you listened to: Laid by Matt Nathanson lmao [5] time you cried: yesterday, but i pretty much cry every day when I watch videos of harry ajhsajksal

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: hahaha no [7] been cheated on: i don’t think so, but maybe! [8] kissed someone and regretted it: hahah yes unfortunately [9] lost someone special: yes :( [10] been depressed: yes [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: too many times

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] pink!! not fuschia or anything crazy but the more subtle rosy toned pinks [13] faded orange (I don’t know how to explain this one you’ll just have to imagine) [14] green!!!! My favourite colour of all time

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yes and I love them all so much! [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: of course [18] found out someone was talking about you: probably :) [19] met someone who changed you: yes!! [20] found out who your true friends are: no lol [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: i don’t know what a facebook list is but if it is friends list then yes more than one oops

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them but I am not properly friends with the majority [23] do you have any pets: yes [24] do you want to change your name: no but i don’t like my name [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i had a party and fed bread to my friend maria

[26] what time did you wake up: 8:30am because my friend rosie called me and woke me up sjdbwkjdajfj

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: waiting for my mum to get home so i could eat pizza [28] name something you cannot wait for: HARRY’S ALBUM!!!!! [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 3 hours ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I knew Harry in real life, I would do anything for him to be apart of it [31] what are you listening to right now: If I could fly :’( [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes [33] something that is getting on your nerves: the fact harry styles isnt friends with me yet [34] most visited website: probably google drive because thats where i do my work ugh [35] elementary: burford school I was late everyday even though I lived 2 minutes away hahaha [36] high school: sir william borlases grammar school what a mouthful damn [37] college: dont know yet!! [38] hair colour: brown [39] long or short hair: long

[40] do you have a crush on someone: only harry

[41] what do you like about yourself? im very honest

[42] piercings: i only have my ears pierced, but i sort of want to get my belly button pierced [43]blood type: oh god i think i’m AB- or O-, i cant remember I just know my dad told me i had one of the rarer types [44] nickname: kat (i hate this nickname), kitboo [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: gemini [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: teen wolf [49] tattoos: none [50] right or left handed: right handed

FIRST… [51] surgery: i’ve never had proper surgery but i had a filling once and then i got sixth baby teeth removed so i could get braces because they still hadnt fallen out smh [52] piercing: my ears when i was 10 [53] best friend: Lucy and she still is wow! [54] sport: oh god idk.. ballet?? i feel like thats loads of peoples first lol but i used to do so much sport i cant remember [55] vacation: antibe in france, we go there most years [56] pair of trainers: wtf how

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing but im hungry af even though its nearly 4am [58] drinking: nothing [59] i’m about to: go to sleep [60] listening to: what a feeling [61] waiting for: these questions to end there are so many lol [62] want: to sleep because i have church tomorrow ugh ugh [64] career: i don’t have one i’m 16 shut up

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: i love hugs but i like kissing too but probably hugs because some people are bad kissers [66] lips or eyes: depends on the person [67] shorter or taller: taller [68] older or younger: older [69] romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous, too much romance freaks me out its gross [70] nice arms or nice stomach: what qualifies as nice.. harry has both i’m just saying [71] sensitive or loud: uhhfbeshfbes loud in public but sensitive underneath cute [72] hook up or relationship: oh god idk??? i dont want a relationship but i dont wanna boink a randomer either [73] troublemaker or hesitant: im a troublemaker outside of school but in school i am literally a goat i am so shy i dont know why teahcers scare me hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? oh for gods sake, stop embarrassing me I AM SORRY I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON yes [75] drank hard liquor? yes [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? yes i lost my favourite glasses when i was 5 i dont wear glasses or contacts now though [77] turned someone down: too many times i hate myself [78] sex on first date? i am a virgin, i am mary, i am pure [79] broken someone’s heart? oops is all i will say to this [80] had your own heart broken? no [81] been arrested? no but i would like to be for the story you know.. sounds fun [82] cried when someone died? yes [83] fallen for a friend: all my friends are little shits, no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? yes [85] miracles? i havent met harry yet, but when i do i will revist this question [86] love at first sight? i’ve only experienced it with harry.. im sorry i keep talking about him i cant help it lol [87] santa claus? i wish [88] kiss on the first date? if i like you then sure why not [89] angels? harry styles wouldn’t exist otherwise

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: Lucy :) [91] eye colour: hazel [92] favourite movie: A little princess

OKKK wow that was a lot of questions I tag these people, sorry if you were already tagged or already did it, just ignore this if you have!! :)

@hotharreh @arrowheartlouis @hazthelove @harryismywonderwall @glamzarry @packerhaz @suckerloved

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xiao-jxns-archived20210217 · 7 years

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tagged by @whyjaeho ty eonni :3

a :: age 20 b :: biggest fear large dogs, being outside when it’s dark (okay, mostly the dark in general tbh, but im okay with it if im inside) ... people mostly. c :: current time 3:43pm d :: drink you last had water e :: every day starts with hopefully me waking up, realizing i don’t have to wake up, rolling over and going back to sleep for a few hours f :: favourite song i never have just one favourite song, but chase me - dreamcatcher / the great artist - jolin tsai / chewing gum - nct dream are a few off the top of my head g :: ghosts, are they real eh, anything’s possible. i don’t necessarily believe in them, but i don’t necessarily believe they’re not real either? h :: hometown tiny village in the middle of no where, the valley, nova scotia i :: in love with music, cute things, soft sweaters, star wars j :: jealous of people who can actually sit down and write things and not get distracted. also people who don’t get weird heartburn/stomach pain bc idk what the fuck is wrong with me but holy hell it’s frustrating (and painful and fuck i really gotta go to the doctors orz) k :: killed someone ... i am literally way too nice to do that? also im like five foot two and cry when im frustrated. i literally could not. m :: middle name mae n :: number of siblings 1, a lil sister o :: one wish i really just want my mum to be able to pay me back the money she owes me since i don’t have a job and i literally have five bucks in the bank rn (of which, she really needs to give me some anyway, for the fucking bank fees) p :: person you last called/texted ... dad? well, my best friends if we count group chats, but last person i actually texted-texted was my dad q :: questions you’re always asked mum has this annoying tendency to ask “what’s wrong?” when it’s super obvious im just frustrated about something... and then i start crying. r :: reasons to smile cute things, food, animals, music, books - the list goes on and on really s :: song last sang idk whatever i was listening to last night (i have a tendency to sing when no one else is in the room while im listening to music xD) t :: time you woke up like 230pm... u :: underwear color white v :: vacation destination there are a lot of places id love to go... korea, japan, england... literally anywhere that has good food, pretty places for me to go and isn’t absurdly hot all the time (or i’d melt) w :: worst habit i bite my nails/pick at my nails/the skin around my nails. it’s... not fun, mostly because all my nails look gross and also it hurts ;-; (also im 20 years old and still suck my finger so...?) x :: x-rays you’ve had a couple of dental xrays... had one done on my leg cause i got stuck in a revolving door when i was little (I STILL HATE THOSE THINGS I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER IT HAPPENING BUT I HATE THEM) y :: your favourite food loads of stuff but mostly chicken... also ice cream... also also strawberries z :: zodiac sign virgo

tagging @eyerolls-r-us @akai-chan09 @masqueradiance

#tagged #whyjaeho

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thiswarpedreality · 5 years

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just got psyched by my own brain - rant about my feelings and frustration, exes included. DO NOT read if your in a good mood because it will, for real, bring you down

SO i didn’t have the repetitive dream last night and was like yes a night of peaceful sleep right RIGHT.

But NOOOOOOO

guess who had a nap this afternoon and woke up pissed off.

THIS GUY

like come on brain.

Just stop it

WHY her, why cant it be dreams of anyone else

WHYYYYY HER.

it’s been literally been almost 2 years just please leave me be.

i’ve just about had it. Im so tired, i am so done i even talked to my mum about it and she just started crying and when i finally got her to calm down she just said “your heart must have really been shattered, i saw you destroyed, i watched you cry and crumble, and you seemed to put yourself back together, but your poor heart must still be searching for some missing pieces” like my mum said that to me man. she laid down some sad ass yoda bullshit.

I have spent the last 2 years making it through uni, living in a town i hate, through 3 of my mums literally life threatening surgeries, paying off god damn debts for a custom ring i didn’t need (thank Zeus, they had only just started to make the band). I went through all this shit, whilst trying to heal myself and all i really want is to not hurt anymore when i think about my past and how i got here.

And it just doesn’t seem to be something thats going to happen for me just yet

Which totally sucks because, and whilst i do not have any facts to back this up, I am completely sure Gina has moved on with her life and that i am nothing but a regret in her past. I knew Gina, my gina, not the one that came back from India but the one i loved, well enough to know that, she has definitely found someone. She may even have a new ex and i really am just a blip in the past.

All i know is right now i am so frustrated and angry because how can almost 2 years later she still be someone that i think about and someone that hurts me. I have tried so hard to feel all my feelings and move on and move past it and i spoke to a shrink and did everything right and its just like she is still haunting my goddamn dreams.

She never really loved me anyway.

I had to accept that, it was really hard and hurt and was brutal but its true.

Anyone that can abandon you in a foreign city, after telling you not to plan anything and that they will handle it and it will just be a holiday for us, saying that they want you to meet their sisters and see places that matter to them, and then break up with you in a movie theatre. a person that can watch you move out and not shed a tear, ignore you for 5 months, saying they wanted to get their life together and move on and forget it all, before calling you. thats not love, thats cold hatred.

I do not know what my ex felt for me

I do not know if i was just a person she was using to help deal with her mental illness

i do not know if anything we shared was real, or if she cared at all

I do not know how many lies she told me over the course of our relationship.

and i do not know why my brain keeps telling me to try and see her.

i know she has nothing to say to me, thats the thing thats so frustrating, she has nothing to say to me, if she did she has had years to do so.

so theres is LITERALLY no point even trying to reach out. Because I have nothing to say to her either. i tried and she had no answers to give me.

Tomorrow is the celebration for my brothers birthday but it’s not till the evening, so maybe i’ll go and have coffee and hope that the act of being at the cafe is enough to stop the dreams??

I AM JUST SO FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY AND JUST SAD

im so sad

my mum and friends have told me i’ve changed since gina, that i’m not as recklessly optimistic or romantic, that i don’t take as many chances in love then i used to.

because i’m scared, i truly am.

To love someone, the way i do, is scary and this whole thing with Gina goes to show that it does not always work out the way you hope it will.

but i think i’m sad because i learnt something from Gina that i never thought i would learn. Gina prides herself on being straight forward, she takes time to organise her thoughts, but once she does she will be straight up.Sometimes she brought me to tears with some of the things she said, they hurt and sometimes they were full of care. But I admired that about her greatly. I admired her so much so that i never thought she would lie to me.

I asked her many times if she wanted to marry me, start a family one day, build a future, she said yes.

I asked if she wanted to live together we planned to move half way, i surprised her with me coming to her ( my mistake, one i take full responsibility for, she never asked for that and i was stupid to assume she actually meant it when she said she wanted to live with me, so that ones on me 100%, i was in love give me a break guys)

she went away for 3 months for prac, i unpacked our new house, called as often as she was free and emailed and whatsapped whenever possible, i always said i love you and she said it back.

The moment i knew in my heart that she wasn’t who i fell in love with anymore, that one split second in time that i realised she had changed (or lied the whole time, hopefully changed though) was, in Singapore after she broke up with me i said you literally kissed me and said you loved me less than an hour ago, how can you do that. and she looked me dead in the eye and said “ i was lying, thats no big deal”

So maybe this dream is helping me come to terms with the fact that the one and only person i have ever truly loved lied about loving me, for how long i will never know. If she ever did at all, i will never know.

and i am so so sad that this still affects me.

And i am frustrated because i am so sad, yet deeply in the darkest smallest part of my heart that i shut off, that part that holds any semblance of feelings for her. I know, that all i ever wanted, all i still want is for her to be happy. She may have changed and lied to me our whole relationship, i may have meant nothing to her, but i honestly and truely loved her so dearly and wholeheartedly. Everything i did, i did in the hopes of making her happy.

And i know i am working really hard to get back to the full of trust, reckless in love Kristy that i once was. But experience is the essence of life. It is what helps you grow and become who you are. It will never dictate who i am but it will help me find a path of true happiness.

I know this is long, but i also know since i shut my other page no one reads here anymore as this was always my personal page.

I know one friend will read this, and i am sorry you have to see my darkest and saddest moments when you have so much going on yourself. I am honestly okay, just sleep deprived and the sleep i do get is haunted with ghosts of past.

I really am working on being able to move with a new slate, both emotionally and professionally. Sadly it means having to deal with all these emotions and memories before going. So i apologise in advance for the long probably sad posts to come, i am working on myself and this is the only place i can air it all out.

P.s Friend if you want me to block you so you don’t have to read this garbage just like this post.

i think thats about 1000 words to many for tonight, i am off to probably have the same dream i’ve had 6 days straight now. Goodnight xxx

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fair-dinkum-mechanic · 6 years

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i dont think any of you should bother caring at this point and im just goin gto ramble and not make any fucking sense at all yet again. my entire life story is written below. Like. my entire fucking worthless stupid disgusting life story that shouldn’t even exist because I shouldn’t fucking exist

it’s so, so , so SO hard every fucking minute of every fucking day to be living with the absolute truth that I’m NOT good enough that I never can be good enough and that I never WAS good enough. Not for anyone, and not for anything. I’ve told this story so many fucking times now but I need to recap and overshare just to put it in clearer perspective in my own mind. I don’t care if anyone reads it, I don’t think anyone will anyway, but its basically my fucking life story and how its all just been one huge lesson that I am literally worthless breathing garbage.

I think the ONLY time I’ve ever had any fucking worth was when I was extremely young. Not that I can remember much from the ages from 0-6. I remember my entire family LOVED me. Sure, my sister was jealous and quite enraged that my mum had another kid, especially since I was unplanned and there’s a good 14 year age gap between me and my siblings, but when I was extremely little everyone seemed to love me. I was pretty shy and clingy, but if I was comfortable around people I was extremely polite and always laughing. I see videos of myself as a really young kid and I see myself in him but it’s just so distant from who I am now. I was gentle and loved nothing more than to make people laugh and entertain them. But yeah, I also threw a few tantrums too. I’m a fucking virgo. Then of course school started, and that’s when my differences really started to show. I was too gentle and too quiet. I wasn’t boistrous and full of energy like the rest of the boys around me. Naturally, I became friends with many more girls and seemed to gravitate more toward the softer, more quiet kinds of things. I didn’t like sports, and I hated loud noises. That started making things difficult for me when trying to fit in, but still, we were all pretty young and nobody really cared at that stage. There was some light bullying but normal kid stuff, nothing that really hit home just yet. I was a little fucking cunt to the friends I did have though. I had obviously been far too spoiled and raised on my own so I didn’t know how to be empathetic and kind to my friends. I was possessive and cruel to them. I remember smacking one of my friends right in the nose for choosing to play with some other kid that I hated for the day. I was only 7-9 at this point though.

My dad was always pretty distant. He had an extremely short fuse and foul temper. I once saw him fighting with my sister to the point of physically grabbing her and makiing her fall to the floor. He took her car keys so she couldn’t leave so she ran to my grandmas house. Once when I was about 5 I was taking too long to get ready in the morning for school and while I was brushing my teeth he burst into the bathroom and snatched my toothbrush out of my mouth and threw it hard at the wall. My sister came out and they screamed at each other because he woke her up when she had the night shift. He’d chased me with shoes, belts, and said all manner of things to me. I was never ever close to him and I don’t really care that much. I care to the extent that because of it I wont’ ever be able to understand a fatherly bond or how that is meaningful to people. He was an extremely hyper masculine person. He used to be a football coach, was heavily into football and women, was extremely homophobic and the like. He wasn’t all bad, but that was the person I knew and saw the most of. Things got quite good for me for a year and a bit. My teacher told me to find new friends and I did, which led me to one of the best years of my life. I was 10 or 11 and I had one extremely close friend called Ben, and we used to hang out all the time. Our families spoke and I got along with his siter and he got along with my family too. We’d have sleepovers all the time and we’d do all the fun shit kids would do like go to carnivals, watch inappropriate horror movies, play games, think that staying up past 12 was a sin, etc. Eventually all the friends I’d made in that time left my school due to family moving or to escape the relentless bullying at the primary school I went to, which I was about to face. I still kept in contact with Ben, but they’d all left the school and by the time I was 12 I was left with no friends at all.

I’m certain that’s when things really started to spiral out of control for me. I would spend lunchtimes walking around the school by myself for the entire hour, trying to make it look like I was going somewhere so the other kids wouldn’t know I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Eventually they figured it out though and I became the target of daily bullying. They’d shout out at me that i was a loner with no friends, I’d be picked last for everything, I used to brush my hair all the way across like a hideous combover, and of course I withdrew more into myself and eventually because I didn’t like sports and was quite gentle, the homophobic bullying started. Teachers and my mum tried to push me to get talking to the kids and make friends with them but even when I tried I couldn’t say a single thing right. They’d always make fun of me whenever I opened my mouth. I remember telling a ghost story while everyone else was and for the rest of the day the entire class of 30+ kids crowded around me laughing and pointing, some poking me and the teacher did nothing. When I finally told them to fuck off I was sent into detention for swearing. When I approached teachers they would get frustrated and tell me that I should’ve told them sooner. I would be pulled up on the smallest misbehaviour and punished because I was isolated and alone so I stood out. I think the lowest point for me was when I went to speak with kids I’d been trying to make friends with for an entire year and they turned around and asked me if I wanted to hear a song they made. And It was about me, how ugly I was, how gay I was, and how much of a loner and loser I was. I had to stand there and watch these girls do that as the boys laughed. That’s one of the only things from those days that’s really stuck with me I think. The rest of it I’m pretty much over. Of course it still has its effect on me, but I don’t expect apologies or hold it against any of the kids who did it. I can see the impact it has had on the rest of my life though. For my final year of primary school I managed to find friends again, although the kids who used to bully me were still around and all the homophobic bullying continued.

Mind you, at this stage I had no idea that I was gay. I hadn’t really thought about it. In fact, I was jerking off to women, it wasn’t until later on that I found it out for myself, so being bullied so hard for my sexuality for so long I think played a huge huge role in how long it took me to accept and understand it. Anyway, I left primary school terrified to go into high school like everyone is, but I was kind of hopeful that I’d get there and things would be better. Of course, I was wrong, because I wasn’t prepared for how grown up a lot of the rich kids at private school wanted to seem. Around the first year of high school when I was 13 I drifted away from Ben, which still makes me sad but we’re both entirely differnet people than when we were kids, obviously. He’s a very straight guy and I’m a very gay one. I made another very close friend in highschool though, and this is where I’ll stop saying names because a lot of these people are still in my life. He was also brand new to the school and we lived extremely close to each other. For a while, it was only me and him, two extremely dopey 13 year old kids with horrific haircuts, braces, and breaking voices. By this point my skin had really started breaking out and I can assure you I was still not into sports. Not really the best thing when I was enrolled in a private school known for its sporting elitism. I realised really quickly that things weren’t going to be easy for me there. It really didn’t take long for the homophobic bullying to start up again. It was much, much worse this time though. People would actively avoid me, they would spread rumours that me and my only friend were fucking (he’s another extremely straight guy) and it just made me horrified that he’d ditch me to avoid all that. A girl I’d never spoken to, who was extremely popular, once did one of those trashy “Tag Your Friends Who...” things on Facebook. I wasn’t friends with her but stumbled across the photo somehow, and on the part that said “tag your friend that’s most likely to be gay” she had written my full name, and there was a huge comment thread underneath it with the boys and girls from school saying things like “HAHAHA and what about the science teacher he sneaks off into the storeroom with...”. Even though I’d managed to make more friends, my confidence was fucking gone. I could barely open my mouth in classes. The bullying came from the teachers too, primarily the sports department because they had so much power. I’d be singled out and chastised and was threatened with expulsion more than once for refusing to sign up to extra curricular sports and show up to Saturday morning games and such. This caused extreme conflict at home too, with my dad being such a masculine guy and respecting the boys sport master as he was an ex-state football player. He’d yell at me and resent me and tell me how much better his life would be once I left home. Mum would also fight with me because I was just so adamant to not give the teachers what they wanted. Once I got older around 16 I really started to figure out that I’m not straight. I had crushes on girls, I even dated one for a short while, but we kissed twice and I bailed on that. I’d managed to create a pretty solid friendship circle.For reference sake I’ll make up names for people. I got in touch with one of the girls I was friends with way back in primary school, one of the ones I was a cunt to (Susan), and my Straight Friend from high school (Peter) had a friend of his own who was having extreme difficulties at home and making friends at school (Harvey). I also met a friend online who we used to speak almost every day and she was a real comfort to me and genuinely wanted to speak with me all the time (Karen). I lost a few friends from my younger high school years, but eventually somehow ended up with a group of the more “nerdy” girls. Me and Peter were finally in our own friendship group within school and I was able to throw parties and 20+ people would attend. Of course, I was still the victim of homophobic rumours and bullying in PE from both the jock boys and teachers, but overall It was going okay. I had my first crush on a boy, and to this day I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight, but also he was extremely attractive and very popular so I had absolutely not chance with him in a million moons. We only spoke on MSN and never spoke at school. I was also having minor obsessive crushes on girls as well, but I think that was from my feelings of lonliness and also seeing straight people all over the place and thinkin that was supposed to be me. Eventually, somehow I became extremely close with one of the girls in our friendship group at school (April), and me, her and Peter became a trio of sorts. We were very close with the other friends too, Harvey and Susan and we’d often organise parties and gatherings where we’d have picnics or go places, see movies, or hang out. Eventually the final year of high school came along and I embraced my passion for acting and comedy. Suddenly, almost everyone in the school loved me. They thought I was the most hysterical, valuable person they’d met. I was still withdrawn and compltely unsure how to act around any of them, but eventually I came to it and made a few friends from being more open with myself. I was so closed off and just sure that everyone was out to bully me and I’d become judgmental and bitter, but I’m so thankful I got to know some of those people a bit better. I just wish I’d been able to do so sooner. At home things weren’t going as well though. My dad was diagnosed with a rare lung condition, and my brother and sister had begun to fight quite viciously (both of whom had moved out of home long ago and had families of their own). It devolved to the point where my brother completely shut off my sister and my parents from his life. We didn’t hear a word from him.

Also at this point Peter and Karen started dating, despite her living in NSW and him in SA. That didn’t end well and it caused a rift between them. Karen was also starting to experiment with drugs and argue with us quite often. She also became quite distant after some time. But she’d even come down to visit us here twice.

Peter really started to drown himself in study, and that left me and April. During this time me and her became really close. She was the daughter of two of the teachers at the school, so obviously we couldn’t get into too much trouble, but we had free lessons together and instead of studying we’d sneak off to Maccas for lunch and every week we’d visit a pet store up the road and visit all the animals that we’d given names to. We even went into the city once and brought Disney DVDs and Britney Spears albums. She was the first person I came out to, and I remember it as clear as day because I got a blade of grass stuck in my eye a few seconds after. The last year of high school is when my mental health started to really deteriorate. I felt lonely, worthless, ugly, and extremely afraid. Schoolwork had an effect on me that I’m still not able to fully describe. It drained me of all energy and made me want to cut into my skin just to feel something. Of course this meant that I wasn’t able to provide my teachers the standard of work that they wanted, and they berated and screamed at me for it. I fought back, becasue it’s all I knew how to do, but I was always told I was rude, disrespectful and being difficult. I remember the exact day I knew something wasn’t right in my brain. I was supposed to be in a Biology lesson but I hadn’t done work on an assignment tha was due. I couldn’t front it. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t. I’d sat down and tried and tried but I couldn’t wrack my brain to do it and I couldn’t ask for help because I had shut down. I was walking around school, breathing so hard I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, and eventually I saw one of my good friends who immediately could see something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything and she didn’t either but she immediately hugged me and all I did was sob and tell her I just wanted to kill myself I just wanted to run onto the road and have the cars flatten me. She took me to my class and explained it to my teacher who was surprisingly very understanding. That teacher from then on made sure to check up on how I was doing with work and asked me if I needed any specific grade and once I said no she undeerstood and said “we’ll get you the passing grade you need, but we won’t push you any further than that, alright?” and I’ll never forget that. It was one of the kindest things a teacher had ever done for me. Her understanding meant so much.

Although, my mental health continued to fail, and my life continued to get harder. I finished high school with very below average grades, and it seemed like most people were over me and didn’t really care. I was also coming to terms with just how gay I was. Which was very. And I hated the fact I’d never been in a ~~~real~~~ relationship. Lonliness was taking me over. April was there for me every second though, and I opened up to her about how I felt. Peter eventually moved to NSW to study there, like he was always going to. It was very upsetting for our friendship group as everyone loved him, and I was so close to him for such a long time that not having him around constantly was going to be really, relaly hard. Luckily I still had April and all of my other friends who wanted to hang out and see me a lot. Harvey, Susan, and my other new close friend Talia were all there. Susan and Talia both went to study art at uni, and they both got put in the same class. They didn’t know each other too well but I was very excited for the both of them to get to know each other, and eventually they stated to get along really well!

Me and April only got closer as the first year out of high school went on. She would catch the bus to my house and we’d hang out and do fuck knows what. Anything we felt like. Sometimes she’d stay the night, and she’d always be there to help me set up for parties or through difficult times. We’d speak over skype almost every night and we did so many things and spoke about so much stuff that I can’t even think of many things off the top of my head to list becasue there’s just so much we did. It reached the point where there’s not one thing she didnt know about me and I don’t think there was one thing I didn’t know about her. When we played truth or dare at parties we could answer for each other, and we were communicating with silent looks.

Still, my depression was getting worse. My lonliness was getting worse. I was desperate, horrificly so, to find a boyfriend. I got in contact with a boy I met vaguely through an old friend who did youtube. I started practically harassing him. Messaging him every day, getting so sad when he wasn’t as intersted in me as I was in him. I confessed my feelings multiple times and never took the hint. I was just too desperate and it was making me even worse. Susan went to school with this guy, and she didnt’ like him (like most people at her school) and when a night came that I was going to make an attempt and messaged my friend Talia about it, having her talk me down and thanking her for it, I was terrified. Anyway a week or so later I had a party at my house and Susan came to help me get ready. I’d invited Talia but she said she wasn’t coming. Susan handed me her phone for some reason and it had been left open on her mesasges with Talia. I saw something along the lines of “I can’t come tonight I’m far too annoyed at Marc for that.”. I didn’t say anything and took it to deal with later because I didn’t want to make it look like I was snooping. I’d invited the boy and one of my new friends who was friends with him to this party as well. Susan had messaged Peter all about it saying how he should be happy he’ snot here anymore because I was just feeding this boy alcohol to try and get him drunk and there was absolutely no other beverages on offer. She said how selfish and inconsiderate I was being, and how creepy and uncomfortable for others my relationship with April was. She said I was only depressed because my mum had sheltered me and that for me to get over it I needed to have some real suffering and some real pain. Peter was forwarding all of thsi on to me, becasue he knew it wasn’t true because he knows who I am and wanted me to know that she was saying these things and wanted to hear my perspective. I was annoyed, but April was there with me and supported me 100%. I was able to keep it to myself, and I wanted to try and smooth things over with Susan and Talia. Talia wasn’t speaking to me nearly as much as normal which was very hard because I used to call her one of my best friends. Susan was still speaking to me a bit though, however she seemed much angrier. I messaged her eventually and asked “Hey, have I done anything lately to upset you or Talia?” and she said why I asked that and I just said “I just feel like I’ve perhaps done something to upset you two” and all she said to me was “Talia had a friend who killed himself and my uncle almost did so maybe you should think about that before you say anything. Anyway I have to go now.”

Things just started to boil over more and more and I was becoming angrier and angrier because as time went on Susan and Talia were actively trying to gather my friends and stage an intervention for me to cut specific people out of my life. Those people being the boy I liked, the new friend I’d made and was getting very close to, distance myself from April, and move away from my mum and sick dad. I got drunk at a party and ended up screaming at Susan as she tried to boss me around. We didn’t speak much after that but she messaged me after not speaking for months asking for us to meet up one on one. I told her no becasue it wasn’t just me she had a problem with and it wasn’t juts me that she’d hurt and we should all speak about it as a group. She instantly replied with aggression and denied ever talking about me behind my back and trying to turn people against me (I had actual screenshots of this occuring). She told me I was fake and weak and that I needed to get over myself. Then she blocked me without giving me any chance to respond.

I hung on to anger about this for so long and I’ve only very recently gotten over it. Suffice to say I’ve never spoken to either Susan or Talia again after that, which is sad because I used to consider both of them some of my best friends. Time went on, eventually I got over the boy but I’d managed to make a very good and best friend in the friend I’d re-met through him and she’s still one of my best friends to this day and one who has managed to stick wtih me all this time. I only have positive things to say about her, and if she’s reading this i know she’ll feel self concious that she’s not in this story much but that’s because I’m focusing on mostly the bad parts and the good things in the past that turned bad and she isn’t either of those things and she doesn’t mean any less to me than any of this shit that I’m writing out now. My dad’s health got worse and worse. He was in hospital a lot and he was having immense trouble breathing. During this time I actually met a boy on Tumblr and we began to date shortly after. The problem was he lived in NSW, but it alleviated my lonliness at least and I felt so happy. However it was extremely bittersweet because at the same time I had to keep it a complete secret from my family, which was difficult when our only form of communication was Skype. I had such a horrible, sickly fear that my parents would find out. I would have panic attacks over it and still to this day, even though my mum knows now, it makes me feel ill to think about it. I remember hearing dad downstairs one day, choking and trying to scream out for help. He was rushed to hospital and kept in the ER. He was strapped to oxygen machines for days. Mum was in and out all the time. I spent so much time at the hospital. Eventually the doctors told us in a roundabout way that he was dying, and he was dying within the week. He was fully aware of what was happening, and things only got worse. I sat there as his mind twisted itself around. He so desperately didn’t want to die. He would explode into panic attacks where he would cry and wail. There was no anger in these, just complete and utter horrible anguish. I’d never seen anything like it before, and I just had to sit there while mum was crying trying to calm him down and the nurses had to come and strap him to the bed. Eventually he was so sick that he couldn’t speak. He was on almost 100% oxygen and they had to drug him up so he couldn’t know what was happening. Eventually, the time came where my family told them to turn off the breathing machines, and he died within minutes. It’s then that my brother came back. He felt guilty and was trying to fix things.

Things between him and my sister couldn’t be fixed though. They didn’t speak and there was still so much hatred there.

With dad gone, mum couldn’t afford the house anymore. It was just me and her, so she had to sell it which was horrible and stressful and hard. I was suddenly having to help with all of these grown up things that i never thought I’d have to for at least a few decades. All the while I was being pushed into deciding what to do with my life and sitting on my massive fucking secret.

April was still there through all of it though. Peter was too, but not as much, he was interstate of course. My boyfriend and my new friend were there just as much as April. Harvey was there too.

Oh boy was Harvey there. He and April ended up having a uni class together, and they became closer. This lead to Harvey developing an infatution with her which she relayed to me every day. It led to her having to gently let him down, and he spent a full year hating her. Truly, viciously hating her. His attitude had changed and he was becoming more and more arrogant and self ighteous. Peter’s family had basically adopted him as their own and even they were having conversations with me and April about how horrible he was being. When this was brought to his attention, he only got worse and actively worked to bring down any of us who had a part in saying anything. I had lost all patience with him since I was told of his sexual harrassment, entitlement to women, and selfish comments, and so I was ready to cut him off completely and I made that no secret. Around this time my boyfriend actually made the move to SA, and him and April became roommates. I was absolutely terrified because I was so scared that my mum would find out about it. I was happy to have more people close to me physically, but the terror outweighed it.

April and Harvey continued speaking, although she was very vocal with me about her distaste for him and her insistence that after uni was over she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. That’s why when she told me he’d asked her to go to his house to talk, I wasn’t worried. I let her know she was free to tell him every little thing I’d said and let him know I didn’t care I’d say it to his face personally if I could. Things were never the same after that. I’ll never know what was said, but since that meeting between them, April and me were never as close as we once were. She started ignoring my messages, ditching events with me and our other friends to go and see him, actively berating things that she knew I really enjoyed amongst other things. It planted the seed of something I never thought I’d ever see between us, a lack of care and even irritability. Things got worse and worse and eventually we weren’t even friends anymore. Not just not best friends, we weren’t even friends. She was seeing Harvey so often, speaking with him all the time, doing things that we used to do, all the while Havey was making life hell for me. Punishing me in ways only a silent manipulator can. I tried to reach out and tell people what was happening but nobody believed me and I still don’t think anybody does. This only made it worse. I became angry because April had never had any reason to distrust me before, and I didn’t know why Harvey was that reason now. Eventually I cut her off, I didn’t think she was the person I once knew and I didn’t think she even liked me anymore. I felt pain whenever we spoke or saw each other. I wanted to reach out to my extremely close friend, somewhere in her and beg and plead with her not to be taken in by Harvey’s new manipulative tricks. It was too late though. I failed her, and I’d tried so fucking hard. He was still trying to get back at me though, in every way that he could, and she was enabling him to do that because she was still a aprt of my life. I had to cut her out no only for my own safety but for the safety of my remaining friends. Now I’m at the stage where I am now. Everyone left in my life has tried to leave me because I’m too much, and whenever it happens I can’t handle it. I think the moral of my life story is that I’m not, have never been, and never WILL be good enough for anything or anyone. Aside from when I was extremely young, barely walking, I haven’t been worth anything. I’ve just been a disappointment, someone to cut off, to dismiss, or to push aside. I have tried everything to be better and worth people’s investment, but it never works. I know even now those who remain close to me, all of them, are thinking about ways in which they’ll cut themselves off from me, knowing that it’s healthier for them. My boyfriend travelled overseas without me without any regrets, while I felt crushed and alone because it had always been my dream to travel with a boy I loved and who loved me to special places to see it together, but I realised I’m not worth that to anyone else. He broke up with me because even after all of these things I’ve been through my walls are absolutely rock hard and impossible to break through, and I can’t let anyone in or let anything out. He only took me back because of how unstable and volatile I am. One of the only joys in life I have left is my cat. I truly love her so much because she’s the only one who has been with me from start to present through at least the end of school shit that happened. I know she’s only an animal but to me she’s the only one I can open up with and be completely comfortable around. I am so thankful all the time that she’s with me. I know I’ll never be worth anything to anyone, and I’m finding it so fucking hard to trust again. I don’t see the point when all my days are empty and I know that once life takes away from me what I have, I’ll be ready to die. My mum still cares for me. She drives me to work because I can’t do it myself. She cooks, she washes, she helps me with things i need to do. She’s older than most, and she wont be able to do those things much longer, and I am very close with her. My emotional distress is going to become too much on top of the material support I’ll no longer have.

My cat, is a cat and as such has a much shorter lifespan than me. She will die and I have no idea when.

There is nothing for me to live for past these things. Every other person who will be in my life past those things has told me, shown me, or let me know in other ways that they will not be around in any significant way, and I know it’s because I am worthless and awful. And I can’t count on myself because all I want is to fade away. So that’s what I will do. Fucking novel. Nobody cares about my life enough to fucking ead all of this anyway lmfao.

#extremely personal #longest fucking post I've ever written #long post #like FUCKING long post #I hope the read more worked for you

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