#i hate myself someone STOP me

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school. #like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it. #was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes. #but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create'' #when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent. #speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice. #''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession. #''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt? #u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky'' #we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

[puppyeared]

I love you when we haven’t talked in weeks and months I love you when I have 12 unread messages I love you when im not in the mood to talk. We’re still friends even when we spend time apart

#it’s like delayed parallel play to me.. or perhaps sending letters in the mail #when I wrote this it’s because I have this thing that is like. having too much of a good thing #like if I talk to someone and love them too much I burn out.. does that make sense?? is that a universal experience??? #so sometimes when I have to spend time by myself I don’t stop loving my friends I think #especially because when I burn out I feel miserable for no reason and my brain comes up with ways to hate people #like oh they’re probably spending time with other ppl you’re disposable.. they probably forgot about you #one time I thought that if my friends were getting married they’d forget to invite me and it became a fear I’m trying to get over #but the answer I came up with is to keep reminding people I exist to stay present in their lives #even if it’s not as often as I can manage or would like. idk #yapping #feelings

[iraprince]

Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages. #or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it. #i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') - #- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action. #also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally) #u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not-- #--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of' #'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important' #bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and- #inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

[epikhightechnology]

Yet in his eyes, all the sadness of the world / Those pleading eyes, that both threaten and adore

#vegas theerapanyakul #kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #i'm abt to hate on myself sooo hard for this one #🥰 #yes those lyrics are from the phantom of the opera #yes i do have a whole phantom vp au in my head someone ask me about it #i should stop drawing this man but he is so miserable and interesting i just cant #anyways #have a good week everyone #mine #epikdraws

[haunted-xander]

This started as just a redraw of an old Chiluc comic except I got carried away so. here ya go!

#chiluc is so so so complicated to me #diluc hates the fatui and everything they do and stand for but when met with someone who does everything for those he cares about hed cave #and childe knows what hes doing is fucked up but doesnt care enough to change paths and he doesnt get how diluc can look past that #bc diluc is angry and justifyably vengeful yet he treats childe like hes normal #despite bring well aware of what childe does and his stance on it #and it confuses him so much it makes him uncomfortable #bc diluc has rigid morals that he wont budge on yet can still look childe in the eyes without wanting to kill him #its a big ol 'wtf why do u like me stop that. thats weird. im weird and bad and fucked up u cant like that.' #and 'why do i like this guy hes everything ive dedicated myself to eradicating yet i cant bring myself to do so without express reasoning' #its a MESS #childe #tartaglia #ajax #diluc ragnvindr #chiluc #genshin impact #art #my art #xanders art #digital art #fan art

[fictionadventurer]

To take a more serious tone toward the topic, I think history is best when we approach it without trying to make value judgements. The worst takes are the ones that try to sort people into "good" and "bad" categories, as if there's a certain calculus to determine if a person deserves to be remembered as a hero or a villain. The point shouldn't be to judge, but to understand.

All people have a mix of both good and bad within them. We should figure out who they are as people, what the world around them was like, how they were shaped by experiences and society, and why they made the choices that they did. There are some undeniably black-hearted villains, but most people are a mixture of good actions and bad actions, of pure motives and mistakes, of brilliant insight and just plain dumb blindness that comes from not knowing how history would turn out. Trying to categorize gets in the way of understanding, and often dehumanizes them.

These aren't just figures or statues, they're people--living, breathing human beings who had hopes and dreams and flaws and fears. We can honor their accomplishments while recognizing their mistakes. We should imitate their virtues and avoid their flaws. When we study, we want to classify things in neat boxes, but people are too messy for that. You can like a person and hate their views; you can appreciate someone's accomplishments while hating their personality. You can get so much further with understanding the nuances of history if you can just leave behind the tendency to judge and just get to know these people as they actually were.

#history is awesome #trying to put into words the feeling that has come to me a lot since my history reading started up in earnest #i sometimes find myself a bit distressed #not knowing how to reconcile conflicting reports of a person #how am i supposed to reconcile the fact that this person i liked did something rather rotten? #or that someone bad might have had a decent point? #and that's always when i have to step back and remember that people aren't monoliths #you can admire some things while hating others #and understand that everyone is flawed #and that point is always when history opens up #and stops being dead words on a page and starts being a real world filled with people just like us who are trying their best #(even if a lot of people could try a lot harder) #also having a sense of humor is so so important #the worst takes come from the people who take things too seriously

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

something i'm grateful for about Wally is the representation for people who love eye contact. we're underappreciated smh

#its very fun to see a character who Looks Intently bc he Likes It and thinks its Polite #eye contact is so so so so good but the majority of people hate it and Whyyyyyyy #it makes being around people so difficult #i naturally stare into a person's fucking soul when holding a conversation #so i have to constantly remind myself to look away periodically or look somewhere else entirely #and then my thoughts turn into 'youre making too much eye contact. now youre making too little. stop looking over there.' #'make eye contact WAIT NO NO ok great we just awkwardly glanced at them. fuck. what are they even saying rn we stopped listening' #and then if i make eye contact with someone in passing / a stranger #its immediate panic like Oh Fuck What If They Think We're A Total Freak Now. Shit Shit shit #or the equally terrifying What If They Think That Was An Invite To Interact #but otherwise. let me stare into your souuulllllll pleaseeeeeee #Without it being weird or making you uncomfortabllle #i am trying to CONNECT and show that i am ENGAGED i am LISTENING #absolutely unprompted #shoutout to all my adhd/autistic homies who looooooove eye contact #we're rarer than a unicorn stg #if eye contact is a sliding scale its the only binary im participating in #i think this might be why i like cats so much. instant staring contests. prolonged comfy eye contact #yeah physical contact is great but have you ever held casual Eye contact with someone

[godsfavoritescientist]

Biting the bars of my enclosure about autistic ford tonight. There's something about him using vocabulary and turns of phrase that seem "outdated" or "pretentious" that feels so painfully genuine to me. When people say he talks like that just to "try to sound smart" I wish I could explain what it's like to be so ostracized from your peers growing up that you spend all your time reading instead, to the point where you pick up your way of speaking from books instead of from people. And then what it's like for people to call you out for "talking weird" over and over again, not able to wrap their heads around why the fuck you would choose more archaic or technical or formal words than the simpler ones that surely come to everyone's minds first. What it's like to have to dedicate a sizable chunk of attention to filtering through every single word you say out loud in real time before you say it, to make absolutely sure that it isn't a word people will judge you for using or make fun of you for using, just so you'll have a chance of being taken seriously. Learning through trial and error how to filter out the words that other people don't think are normal or casual enough for the conversation, even though for you, the word choice that's "natural-sounding" enough for them is the third or fourth word you came up with when searching for the right way to phrase something in your head. I wish I could explain just how long it takes to say fucking anything after spending a lifetime doing that during every single conversation, and how repetitive and long-winded you end up being when you spend so long coming up with alternative ways of saying every little thing you ever think. And I wish people realized that, at the very least for autistic people and autistic-coded characters, speech that's seen as pretentious is really just the way they talk when they're not putting in the extra effort to filter through every word they say just so others will take the time to listen.

#ford meta #actuallyautistic #everyone go read the wikipedia page for 'stilted speech' right now #long post #ford isnt very good at masking. he doesn't have the kind of (unintentional) autistic coding that is Palatable To Neurotypicals. #definitely looking-too-deeply-at-a-kid-cartoon right now but in *some* ways. a world where the majority of people think its easy to like an #-understand ford is a world that would feel safe for me to unmask in. #i truly truly hate that fully explaining my thoughts on ford requires me to say so much about myself. but god is it such a crime- #-to use a fictional character as a lens through which to try and explain to people how to be more understanding and accepting- #-of things like this. #making fun of stilted speech is so normalized that people don't even realize they're making fun of someone for being weird. #people think its Someone Thinking They're Better Than You but its something people lay awake at night wishing they could stop doing. #and yet they still end up using the Wrong Words and being labeled a Pretentious Asshole just for talking differently than the norm. #maybe there really are people out there who deliberately use big words to try and sound smarter than everyone else. I don't know. #all I know is. in a world where its pretty obvious that people who use a discongruently complex vocabulary get made fun of for doing that. #why would someone deliberately trying to impress people do something that would only get them laughed at. #sorry for being genuine on main. as if its my fault </3

[asteralien]

i can't speak for every mentally ill person but i don't think "don't self-deprecate! it makes everyone around you feel bad :(((" is necessarily the all-encompassing bandaid slam-dunk you think it is.

#'you feel bad about yourself? well now you're making ME feel bad too :(' #wow not only do i not hate myself less i might hate myself for a few bonus reasons! cool. thanks 👍 #i just think that this toxic positivity trend of making one person's mental illness everyone else's problem #and the answer to mental illness is to just think of everyone you're inconveniencing/hurting by being mentally ill #which will absolutely motivate you to stop being mentally ill #is............ well! i'm sure it works for some people! #aster chat #i'm not saying that mentally ill people should not or cannot take responsibility for things #but i think people don't realize that some mental illnesses' problem is that it makes people take Too much responsibility #which is in fact. overwhelming. #you can't guilt someone into not being chronically guilty

[elliesbelle]

NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK I’M NOT ENOUGH

#but literally like #that’s exactly what happens now #AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOU’RE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY #LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy #‘i deserved to move on’ ‘you think it was easy to move on’ IDGAF you still moved on?????? #YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN’T CALL ME BACK #the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!! #all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didn’t i fucking say?????? didn’t i fucking say you were gonna leave me again #and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!! #you couldn’t handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them #i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore #AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE #literally you’re fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore #you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again #the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again #‘you’ll find someone else eventually’ i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you #i am literally and have never been enough and you don’t care #v #belle speaks

[snekdood]

bitches be like. i hate vegans so much that i’ve decided i like killing animals and its fine and i dont feel bad and animals dont have feelings and its fine and im cool subversive and different and edgy and like to post fucked up stuff to make vegans uncomfortable bc im just so cool

#you sound like every cishet republican man to me #you're not a Cool Subversive Leftist you're literally regressing by seeing animals as just objects of your pleasure and thats it lmao #im sorry but you dont just get to throw out all of veganism. it does infact have some roots in leftism. #you can sit there and cope with the fact you agree w some vegan talking point by calling it 'animal welfare' all you want #doesnt change the fact that a lot of those ideas in those circles were formed by vegans. #damn woooah vegans arent a monolith and dont all agree on the same shit woooahhh who knew #literally i have no idea how we even got to this point or how this would be surprising. #when i was on vegan twitter bitches were arguing all the fucking time within it. ur really gonna sit ther en tell me they're all secret #eco fash that hates native ppl and people who have to eat meat? ya sure??? #you would think the individuals on tumblr- of all places- would understand how frustrating it would be to be grouped in with the worst #members of their community as if you represent them and are the sole spokesperson #you'd think they'd hate when someone jumps to conclusions about them based on their lifestyle #but naur. i think yall take it too personally. as if a vegan just being in a room is somehow trying to force you to be vegan. #literally grow tf up. #if a vegan being in the same room with you triggers feelings in you that you Have to stop eating meat- i really think thats a you problem #bud. homeboy hasnt even spoke to you leta lone look at you and apparently you feel this weird pressure now #idk man dont you think that pressure might be coming within?? maybe.... you do infact feel things and feel a lil guilty abt eating meat? #not telling you to stop... i still eat meat here n there. but at least im honest with myself about how it makes me feel to do it. #its infact normal to take a second to think about the loss someone made in exploitation to provide you with whatever. #if you can let yourself feel a lil guilt about buying a fast fashion thing you can sure as fuck finally extend your fuckin empathy to #animals and stop treating them like objects or toys.

[lavellyne]

whoever on twitter said that artists don't like getting comments baffles me. receiving comments on my posts & art literally makes my day and makes me incredibly happy.

and as far as i'm concerned, hardly anyone i've ever known had an issue with comments, so where do these weird ideas come from??

#admittedly i have a theory that some people want to create this idea of artists that paints us as ppl who dislike receiving any feedback #(i.e the comments and the earlier “liking entire gallery of an artist = annoying” shtick. it's also weird) #like im sure there could be someone who doesn't like it #but speak for yourself. and stop making it seem like all artists hate being SEEN #cuz the majority of us want to be seen. trust me. it's literally part of the reason we post online. if i didn't want any engagement i'd kee #my art to myself. yk?? #lave talks #artists on tumblr #artist community #twitter

[writterings]

procastinating at work but here's my philosophy for today: it's okay to hate a behavior in someone else but also understand that this behavior does not make them a bad person. like i HATE when i'm venting or talking about a serious problem i have and then the person i'm talking to starts trying to relate by talking about a similar experience they've had. like absolutely hate it. make me feel like the focus is being taken off me and it genuinely is in some ways, regardless of your intent. yeah, i understand that's your way of trying to comfort me -- but that's not the way i need or want to be comforted, and that's what matters in a situation where i'm coming to you to be helped.

and that's okay! like. no one is in the wrong here unless i have explicitly asked you to support me in a different way and you're intentionally refusing, or if i lash out at you when i could just disengage. it just means you're not a person i should go to for help when talking about my problems. we can still be friends, you and i can probably support each other in different ways, but we're just incompatible in this regard. and that's like....okay. it's okay to be incompatible with people.

#i need to stop going on instagram sooooo many hot takes on there piss me the fuck off #ok going on a rant here but like. #soooo many 'neurodivergent' posters on there are like 'neurotypicals suck bc they dont realize im being comforting when i talk abt myself #when they're upset!!!' and its like my friend i can understand your plight but like #1. this is an easily changable behavior #that tbh does not require much change on your part aside from just like. not talking. #2. the so-called neurotypicals in ur life are allowed to have boundaries and accomodations to their needs and ur currently not doing that #3. not every neurodivergent person does that. and some also hate it like the so called neurotypicals. #4. why are you prioritizing your emotions when a loved one comes to you for help or comfort. are u just a dick. #this has nothing to do with you being neurodivergent i think you're just self centered lol #like genuinely if you do this you are not a bad person. it's not a bad thing. i thinnk im just mad at the people who insist #that it's the only way they can ever try to comfort someone and they act like asking them to change this behavior is ableist #and if they genuinely can't change this behavior then fine!! like they i wont go to you with my problems #and that's also fine #but yeah anyways these tags are so different from the message of the post lol but anyways just needed to rant

[jankwritten]

yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit

i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.

i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.

this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them

#this is also because i grew up in a racist area and in that culture and my own ignorance i also Was Kinda Racist #but like in that way where you don't realize it's racism until you're out of it and now feel so ashamed that you forcefully block all #those memories just so you don't ever have to associate yourself with them ever again? #(mind you I was like. 15-16 and closeted and scared scared scared all the time so I acted like the Crowd and that was awful of me to do) #BUT NOW that i've grown and am learning and have taken classes on anthropology and all kinds of stuff I just feel like I notice my own shit #like TENFOLD now #it's my anxiety overthinking thing plus if anybody ever knows I could have done anything SLIGHTLY problematic the world will explode #plus my constant paranoia that someone is always watching me and just Knows that I'm Secretly a Bad Person (even though I don't think I am? #also I feel like I need to clarify that the kind of racism in my town wasn't like. klan shit. it was like very hidden racism? #it was like. kids casually doing black accents and making jokes with racist undertones. the kind of racism where race was always #the butt of the joke instead of an outright HATED thing. and I think that's why it was so hard to unlearn #it's like that thing where in order to stop wanting to kill yourself you have to stop joking about wanting to kill yourself #this has become a vent post accidentally i'm so sorry #this is just. one of my Major anxieties that engulfs me every day because of 1) anxiety 2) potential OCD 3) being a bad person in my past #this is another reason I fucking hate florida #because I just know if I had grown up in my home town in MI I would not have been raised in that environment #and it's my own fucking fault for falling into the crowd like that. #all this to say i traumatized myself and likely some people around me by being A Fucking Idiot when I was a kid #and now adult me is doing everything in their power to not ever be that person ever fucking again #tw vent post #tw racism #tw past racism #but im better now and I know my mistakes and I refuse to make them again #fuck florida for every fucking reason under the sun

[torra-and-the-toons]

I like to think Jimmy and Edd have a very special friendship, one where they understand each other whole-heartedly in a way that each individual doesn’t quite have with their usual group of friends. So naturally, in my version of their older selves, Edd is the one Jimmy turns to when they start feeling confused about their identity. And Edd is the one who helps them find it. 

#my doodles #ed edd n eddy #edd eene #jimmy eene #a fistful of ed really sold me on Edd and Jimmy tbh #I feel like Jimmy would be scared to come out to the others #yes even Sarah #especially sarah #what if they don't accept them? #or respect their new pronouns? #what if they lose their friends over who they feel like they truly are? #but Edd isn't like that #Edd is kind and understanding #He is someone they can turn to with any problem and he'll never laugh at them #sorry for the really messy comic btw that couple days of non-stop work kicked my ass and I'm trying to get my creative streak back #I wanted t erase it so bad bc I hate how sloppy it is but I forced myself to keep it

[koko2unite]

#its been almost 2 years im on tumblr and i still feel like im not growing #i keep looking at my art and think ooh im getting better #but it seems like public opinion is the complete opposite #meanwhile i go to another artist and they keep improving and improving and everyone supports them #and the support keeps increasing and increasing and its not stopping #and it looked so easy for them #and it never worked on me #none of this works #so now i think my art is ugly and i hate it #but i dont want to stop because i will hate myself if i choose to stop #so now i will be trudging around with this ugly art while everyone stares at me with hatred #because how could someone as ugly as me is allowed to continue #hey mass report this fag #i bet people do that #while we support other artist in front of them so they feel much worse #and the worst is when people say oh you just need to post frequently #but i did #every day #and its so humiliating seeing a post that its like #10 likes 40 rb #and those rbs are all by myself #because i keep self reblogging my art because im proud of it #while people unfollow because how dare i put these shitty art on their dashboard #and i hate every moment like this #and its happening on every single art i post #i ended up taking a break #its probably a bad idea since all of my pages are in a bad state right now #twitter shadowbanned tumblr blocked and ignored #and my patrons keep leaving bcs just this month several people joined and then left within 1-2 days maybe because i dont post everyday #but its ok i think when everyone starts leaving i can do a restart