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#i hate not being able to trust my own thoughts
vrishchikawrites · 2 days ago
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Hi , I just wanna why everyone hates Jiang Cheng so much here , I have been seeing hate posts about him here a lot more than I see anywhere , I am still a newbie in this fandom so I might be wrong though.
Jiang Cheng is someone which after reading the novel I can neither hate nor love , he has just become one of those characters who just diminish in the background after they have done everything they did .
He is just someone I don't care about after I finished reading the novel, a pretty selfish brother who might have loved his brother but couldn't express it in the right way and ended up hurting the person he was supposed to trust the most because of his inferiority complex and mob mentality.
My thoughts also might be like this because I also forgive too easily , so I am sorry if I offend anyone in this fandom again.
Jiang Cheng is foolish and cruel and a bad brother and uncle but his character makes me feel that you will never be able to love him neither hate him for he did at the end of the day.
You can hate for things that he did and you can love him for some things that he did but you'll never be able to hate him or love him wholeheartedly.
Before reading the novel , I always thought I might end up hating him for what he did to Wei Wuxian , but after reading it , I just can't .
He was a character which I felt passionately about in the beginning of the novel , but he ended up as one of those whose purpose and story I no longer care about. He fulfilled his purpose by being stuck in the past and became a lunatic because of that (I am just being sarcastic and also saying the truth). All I wanna say is that , I think that he loved his brother, Wei Wuxian and at the same time hated him, but his mother and father were bad parents and he committed a lot of cruelty , for me he is just impossible to hate or love. Pretty traumatic things happened to him too and I know Wei Wuxian's life was more traumatic , but I don't wanna compare trauma between two characters.
I just wanna know you and your friends' opinions about him.
(I just wish I don't get hate again from the fandom , I am neither his stan nor his anti . I just wanna know ! I am a curious person !)
Thanks in advance for reading my rant and responding to my selfish post. Sorry if you're busy , you can take as much as long to respond to this.
Hm.
My opinion on him is simple. He is an antagonist. He is a spoiled brat. He bore a grudge for 13 years. His own people need to pray at a temple for protection because he can't be bothered to provide it. He lead a siege against innocent people, including a child, knowingly. He hits his nephew.
Most importantly, he is boring.
MDZS shows, repeatedly, that your own trauma doesn't excuse you doing shit to other people. JC response to trauma is to always strike out at others. He spends THIRTEEN YEARS whipping people who resemble WWX. At no point does the novel attempt to excuse or justify him.
That is my opinion.
As for hating JC - well, I don't particularly care for him. What I don't want is being bombarded with fanon JC when I just want to focus on WX. The sheer number of times people need to diminish WWX to elevate JC is ridiculous.
So, I guess you can blame his stans. When I finished the novel, JC was a non-entity to me too. A simple-minded character, found dime a dozen in media all over the world. He is the very typical rich kid.
But when I read fics, it became very difficult to find ones where his character wasn't softened or his abusive nature wasn't excused. Often times at the expense of WWX - a character that stands heads and shoulders above him.
With me, when you try to push me in one direction against my will, I head in the opposite direction.
When the fandom tried to force fanon JC in me, I went in the opposite direction.
As simple as that.
I mean this in the best possible way - if you like JC or sympathize with him, there is ample media available to you. There's no need to be upset about me and my friends having fun roasting him. It simply isn't that serious. We're all little Shen Yuans here and JC is our airplane.
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hello-nichya-here · 2 days ago
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Here’s what recently popped up in my mind. During Azula’s redemption/recovery arc or rather near the end of it. One of the reasons why she realized that genocide and war are wrong are because she happened to lose someone close to her because of it. Someone who was nice to her when no one would be. She realized that war is always wrong. And innocent lives must never be involved in the conflict of others.
Azula can’t bear with the idea of burning the entire earth kingdom to the ground with millions of lives in it anymore. She constantly has nightmares of people from another reality where she and her father did burn the earth kingdom. Thousands scorched bodies crawl on her dragging her down and asking her “Why? Why? WHY DID WE HAVE TO DIE?” She cries during her sleep mumbling “I’m sorry I’m sorry”
Ok even if that all makes sense, I reeeeally don’t like the fandom’s favorite idea that one must suffer and lose things and people precious to her so they can “learn their lesson, realize their mistakes and know the truth"🙄 Although Zuko did "lose” Iroh by the end of season 2, he made the decision to betray him deliberately, no one forced him to do it. Plus Iroh was still alive and Zuko could visit him, with without risk but still. And only after loosing Iroh Zuko started to reflect on the lessons he taught him. But it cost him a lot of suffering. Again, I hate that people think that suffering/death = redemption!
Although I would want Azula’s own arc of finding her own way to be interesting, I don’t want her to learn the truth via suffering and fear. Cuz that’s exactly what Ozai was trying to “teach” Zuko. That’s what Azulon tried to “teach” Ozai. Learning throught being threatened is not learning. It’s manipulation. And trauma. And nothing good ever comes out of those things.
What are your thoughts?
***
I’ve said this before, but I really don’t like the idea many people have that redemption, and just growth in general, can only happen through pain. Bad things happen and pain is inevitable, and learning to deal with IS important and allows for growth SOMETIMES, but there are MANY other, often healthier and less traumatic, ways for someone to grow that don’t involve more and more misery and suffering, day after day, every single day. Pain often doesn’t teach people a goddamn thing.
Azula’s life is one big tragedy - she never had someone she could fully trust in, open up to, and rely on. Every relationship she had was based on control and fear, even when it involved genuine affection, be it just from her or from the other person as well. More suffering and loneliness would not do her any good, it would just make her regress even more into her bad habits and traits. Hell, the whole reason why she had her breakdown was because she didn’t have anyone looking out for her or giving her any kind of support.
What she needs is someone, anyone, who is willing to take care of her now that she can no longer do it, help her put herself together again, and then show her where she went wrong, how she can do better, and WHY it would be better. She already didn’t want the life of being just Ozai’s weapon, but she never tried to scape it because she thought this was the only life she’d be able and allowed to live. Showing her that this isn’t true is what would send her on the right path, not giving her hope and then crushing it because “suffering/death = redemption”
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columbusswift · a month ago
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vomitspiders · a year ago
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didujustcallmedumb · 26 days ago
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Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (1/2) || Trust in Me AU || Natasha Romanoff x Female Reader (NSFW 18+)
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Main Masterlist | Natasha Romanoff Masterlist | Trust In Me AU Masterlist
Author's Notes: I'm aware Christmas has already passed, but I have been away from writing for so long and I never got the chance to post my Christmas special's for the AU because I had some problems around the Christmas period, so I'm posting it now instead. Better late than never I guess.
Summary: The holidays had appeared quickly, and it was going to be the first time that you celebrated with Natasha. That was until the two of you both thought the other hated Christmas.
Word Count: 5.3K+
Warnings: Dom/Sub Dynamics, R’s title of ‘Daddy’, Nat’s title of ‘Little Dove’, Face slapping (Once), SMUT 18+ MINORS DNI.
SMUT WARNINGS: Strap-On Sex (R Giving), Oral (R Giving), Finger sucking, Praise Kink, Daddy Kink, Choking.
< Part 2 >
--
The holidays were right around the corner, and as much as you had this hard, and cold, seeming exterior, there were definitely some things that you couldn’t help but be excited and passionate about. Christmas was one of them. As soon as it passed Halloween, you were ready, you were ready for everything holidays and Christmas was the one thing you refused to let your parents take away from you.
Christmas in your family home was hard, your parents were never present, and you pretty much spent all your Christmases with the nannies and workers around the house, before you started leaving home to go to Tony’s and spend it with his family instead, your second family…your real family. The Stark’s didn’t even hesitate to adopt you into the family when they eventually got wind of how neglected you were by your own parents, they made sure to give you the love and affection you so desperately craved at a young age.
The main difference this year is that now you have Natasha, it had been 4 months since that first night she had come home with you. It’s already the middle of December and your tree hasn’t even been taken out of your attic, usually, it would have been put up at the end of November, but here you are on the 20th of December with no tree. You were worried about how much you like Christmas considering Natasha has never mentioned celebrating, and then as soon as Christmas sales and things started in stores, Natasha wasn’t a fan.
//
“All of this, for one day? It’s unbelievable, it turns everyone crazy,” Natasha muttered as you walked through the streets of New York, Natasha nearly being taken off her feet by someone who was rushing down the street. Your grin faltered slightly at her words, the distaste in her tone shining through, but what you didn’t pick up on was it was directed to some people’s attitude, not Christmas itself.
“Yep, just one day,” you sighed and ran your fingers through your hair as you held Natasha’s hand tighter and pulled her closer towards your body when you noticed her shiver because of the bitter wind. “It is a bit insane for a few hours on a specific day, luckily it’s only once a year that people tend to lose their minds over a holiday. I don’t think I’d be able to cope if it was more than once a year that people were like this.”
Natasha glanced at you from the corner of her eye, analysing your face as you stayed seemingly unbothered by the topic. You don’t like Christmas…this was going to shellshock Natasha’s plans, but she couldn’t say that she wasn’t surprised, you didn’t seem like the Christmas type. However much Natasha wanted to celebrate the holidays, she would never do something that would make you uncomfortable, and possibly agitated, so therefore she’ll suffer in silence.
“I suppose so, but it doesn’t matter, we’ve not gone crazy,” Natasha smiled quickly as she pressed a chaste kiss to your soft cheek, the smell of your cologne overwhelming her senses as she let out an appreciative hum when you pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Did you know Wanda is Jewish? She doesn’t celebrate Christmas…she celebrates Hannukah instead.”
“I didn’t even know,” you replied, a small smile on your lips as you think about the brunette. Wanda had become a big part of your life, very much like Natasha had as the duo were essentially joined at the hip. You were so happy that Natasha had somebody like Wanda. There were more days than not that Wanda had ended up at your house, whether it was for food, just to relax with Natasha or even unplanned sleepovers, which happened in your bed, with you in it. “How is Wanda? I haven’t seen her in a while.”
“She’s good, she’s recently started seeing some girl called Monica, so they’ve been spending a lot of time together, but we still facetime every day,” she clarified, but then stopped in her tracks, her eyebrow flawlessly arched as she narrowed her eyes at you playfully. “Daddy…were you worried about the fact you’ve not seen Wanda for a while?”
“Psh, no, I was just curious,” you explained as you tugged her arm to get her to start walking again. You were blatantly lying, and Natasha knew that, but she knew better than to question it or you’d end up closing yourself off if you felt you were sharing too much of your feelings. “She’s an adult, she’s very capable of looking after herself, little dove.”
Natasha shrugged it off and smiled as she stood on her tiptoes to reach your ear and whisper in it. “Enough about everyone else, we should hurry home, I’ve got a new underwear set on and I’m dying for you to rip it off of me.” You groaned at her words, “You little minx, just you wait kitten, you’re in for it when we get home.” An involuntary shiver coursed through your body, as she gently bit the shell of your ear just before you pulled her down the street and back towards your home.
//
“I don’t know what to do Wanda, she just doesn’t seem to want anything to do with Christmas,” Natasha frowned as she stirred Bailey’s liqueur into her hot chocolate. It had been playing on Natasha’s mind that you seemed to have a distaste for Christmas in her eyes, but then there were times she thought that you liked it, such as when she spotted you wearing what she thought was Christmas socks, only to have it quickly stomped out. “I was just hoping we could celebrate together, like a normal couple, y’know?”
Wanda nodded as she listened to her friend, her own bourbon being poured into her eggnog, and she sighed softly. “Have you actually tried talking to her about it? You know what she’s like, she’s closed off and hides her emotions. I understand you’re breaking through bit by bit, but she’s fucking stubborn and maybe Christmas is one of her sore spots.”
“Maybe…It’s just, the other day I had to use her laptop and when I opened it, she was on a toys website, looking at all the Christmas things and then another tab had that ice skating rink in Central Park open, but I didn’t say anything, I’m worried she’s going to lock herself away,” Natasha muttered as she sipped at her drink and Wanda smiled sadly at the redhead. “And I swear the other day she was humming a Christmas song in the kitchen.”
“I suggest you talk to her, I mean, it’s the 20th Natasha. If you talk to her sooner rather than later, you’ll still have enough time to get some things done, and I’ll help you with your present shopping if that’s the case,” Wanda offered, a genuine smile on her features as she reached over to hold Natasha’s hand to give her some reassurance.
“You’re right, are you okay if we go now? She’s taken a lot of time away from the office and works at home at the minute.”
“Of course, let’s go get your girl to stop being a Scrooge.”
--
You turned the music up on your speakers as you trudged through the house, the melody of “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday” flowed through loudly, almost to the point you couldn’t hear yourself think, but that was always the best part. Christmas was the time of year where you could really let yourself go; drop the mask you hid behind with your employees. You always cut your employee’s work hours during the holiday period, but never cut what their pay would be, to ensure that you had the chance to celebrate the holidays in your own way.
You let your feet lead you to the box of Christmas ornaments that sat comfortably in the middle of your front room and knelt beside it, spiked eggnog in hand before you started your task of searching for your treasured childhood ornament. You sported the biggest smile whilst you dug through years of past Christmas memories, the memories intensely invaded your thoughts, and you couldn’t help but feel a little emotional at the fact you weren’t going to be celebrating this year, the year where you would hand down one of the only things from your childhood to your goddaughter, Morgan.
“Aha! I found you, you little shit,” you muttered as you pulled the ornament from the box, gently running your fingers across it and you smiled sadly. The ornament was as pretty as you remembered it being, even with the worn cracks within the paint that glazed it, but Rudolph’s nose was as bright as ever. You smiled more at the ornament of Santa and his reindeer, all of them labelled with their names before you packaged it back into the tissue paper, ready for you to wrap a little later.
Once you had gotten to your feet, you moved the box to the bottom of the stairs ready to take it back up into the attic, making sure to hide it away, in a desperate attempt to stomp down the desire to decorate the whole house. You made your way to the kitchen table and sat flipping through some new paperwork that had been brought to your attention, just because you gave your workers time off, didn’t mean that you were lenient on yourself. The sound of your timer brought you out of your thoughts, reminding you that you had Christmas cookies baking in the oven, and you placed your paperwork to the side.
You couldn’t help but gasp when you heard the song playing on your speakers skip to the next, the melody of ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’ started to play and you danced around the kitchen as you moved the cookies from the oven to the side to give them the chance to cool down before you started the task of icing them. Luckily for you, Natasha wasn’t going to be home until later tonight so the aroma and evidence of the sweet treats, and your Christmas spirit, would be long gone. You knew whenever she and Wanda went out, they usually ended up coming back late, they were menaces when they were together.
Outside of the house, Natasha and Wanda had started their ascent up the front steps, both slowing down their movements when they heard loud Christmas music booming from inside. Natasha threw Wanda a panicked look, “Do you think someone is in my house?”
Wanda let out a sarcastic gasp, the sarcasm following through into her tone of voice, “Or, OR it might just be Y/N.” Natasha rolled her eyes at Wanda’s statement, knowing it was unlikely to be you, and walked inside, her ears started to ring at the sudden change of volume from the music. The smell of Christmas cookies and gingerbread hit the duo in the face and they both inhaled deeply and smiled, “That smells amazing.”
Wanda nodded in agreement as she followed Natasha to the kitchen, where the two of them found you. Your back faced the entrance of the kitchen, but that didn’t mean that Wanda and Natasha couldn’t recognise a Christmas apron when they saw one, but even if they didn’t realise, your Santa hat was quick to give your feelings of Christmas away.
Natasha was wrong this whole time, you obviously loved Christmas and now she felt even worse about not trying or saying anything to you. Wanda went to speak but then was quickly, but quietly, shushed by Natasha who stayed fixed in her spot and watched you closely with the biggest smile on her face. This was honestly the most carefree Natasha had ever seen you, and she really wished you wouldn’t lock it away from her. Your hips dipped to the rhythm and melody of the music; your voice was soft as you sang to yourself: you were in your element as you waltzed around the kitchen, still taking no notice of the duo spying on you at the door. Wanda quickly tapped Natasha’s arm to grab her attention as she tried to warn her about her oncoming sneeze, but it was too late.
“ACHOO!”
Natasha jumped and clutched her chest tightly, whilst you let out a small scream and dropped your plate of cookies, both the plate and cookies shattered on the floor, before you turned around to come face to face with the younger duo. The two of them sported guilty looks on their faces as your eyes narrowed, flicking from your broken cookies on the floor and then back to their faces.
“Nice going, Wanda,” Natasha muttered quietly, she wasn’t actually mad with the brunette, because she knew it couldn’t be helped, but she’s sad that you’re now going to build your walls up once more. “I’m sorry, it was an accident,” the Sokovian frowned as she rubbed her arm sheepishly, the two of them avoiding your narrowed stare.
You quickly pulled the Santa hat off your head, alongside the Santa themed apron and tossed them to the corner of the kitchen as you cleared your throat, “Dove…Wanda…hello.” You quickly glanced between the two and stood up straighter as you did your best to shrug off your embarrassment as you turned your sole focus to Natasha, “You didn’t tell me you were coming home early little dove. Then you snuck up on me? I could’ve hurt you.”
“No, daddy I-”
“You what?”
“I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to sneak up on you,” Natasha explained as she picked at her fingernails, her vision moving from looking at you to then looking at the floor, and you glanced at Wanda before giving her a look that clearly stated you wanted the two of you to be left alone.
Wanda quickly nodded and walked into the front room as you stared at Natasha who continued to talk, “I-We came home early because I wanted to talk to you, about Christmas, it was Wanda’s idea, and from what I’ve seen she was right.”
“Sit down, sweetheart,” you instructed as you pulled out a chair for Nat and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead as she slowly sat down, resulting in her letting out a small, happy-sounding, chirp. You sat down next to Natasha and placed your hand on her thigh and squeezed slightly to try and calm her nerves. “What did you want to talk about? And Why was Wanda right?”
Natasha’s bottom lip trembled, and she let out a small sniff, alongside a whine, causing you to frown, “Oh princess, come here.” You gently pulled Nat onto your lap, letting her nuzzle her head into the crook of your neck, and her arms anchored themselves around your shoulders to steady herself. “I-I wanted to come and talk to you about Christmas, but I didn’t want to make you mad, but now you’re mad at me anyway.”
“Oh Natty, my dear sweet Natty, I’m not mad at you, I could never be mad at you. I just- I don’t like when people sneak up on me, I could’ve seriously hurt you and I’d have never forgiven myself if I’d have hurt you,” you explained as you pressed more gentle kisses to her head. “What about Christmas did you want to talk to me about? Use your words, bunny.”
Natasha whined again before taking a deep calming breath and sniffled, “I-I wanted to talk to you about celebrating Christmas, it’s my favourite holiday and I-I wanted to share it with you. I-I thought you hated it, so I didn’t say anything, and I’ve just gotten really upset-”
Her explanation was cut off with a sob and you frowned and held her closer, slowly rocking side to side on your chair to comfort her, “Shhhh…I’ve got you sweet girl, deep breaths.” Natasha always found comfort in your arms, so it didn’t take her long to relax into your touch, her breathing becoming regulated. As much as you don’t usually open up your feelings, and you’re not always very affectionate, you always knew what Natasha needed when she was upset, and Natasha loved every minute of it.
“Natasha, my love, I thought you hated Christmas, so I never made any kind of plan to celebrate or do anything from the holidays, because I didn’t want to make you upset,” you murmured into her hairline before you gently gripped her chin to make her look at you, her innocent doe eyes bored into your own.
“It seems as though the two of us both assumed something incorrectly, so how about we make up for that today? We could decorate the house, decorate the tree, make some more cookies. We can do whatever you want, little dove...Wanda too if she would like.”
Natasha sniffled once more and looked up at you with shining and hopeful eyes, a shy smile placed on her lips, “Really daddy? I’d love that, thank you!” You smiled wide as Natasha hugged you tightly before she threw herself off your lap, pressed a kiss to your lips, and then ran off to find Wanda.
You would do anything to keep your love happy.
--
The next few days working up to Christmas was a dream, now that you and Natasha had finally been able to discuss what it was you were expecting from the holidays, you were able to celebrate in the best ways that you knew how. It didn’t take you long to teach Natasha how to make your sugar cookies, even if it did end up with ingredients strewn all over the kitchen after Natasha dropped the bag of flour.
At first, she thought you might be annoyed, annoyed at the idea of having to clean up a big mess on Christmas Eve, but you were far from being annoyed. The deep belly laugh that erupted from you was a large shock to Natasha, and you wore the biggest smile she had ever seen from you and that was when she knew she wanted to do everything in her power to make you have that smile all the time.
The house was decorated from head to toe, the 8-foot Christmas tree is the main attraction in your front room, now surrounded by bucket loads of presents ready for you to host Christmas day tomorrow.
It would be the first time you have hosted, but you wanted to ensure you had extremely familiar ground for you to introduce Natasha to Tony and his family for the first time, anything you could do to make Natasha more comfortable; you’ve already done.
You jumped when you felt 2 slender arms wrap around your waist, but relaxed once you felt Natasha’s chin resting on your shoulder, and you grinned to yourself knowing Natasha must be on her tiptoes to be able to do that comfortably.
You sighed softly when you heard her mutter, “You’re stressed, everything is going to be fine. Give yourself room to breathe.” Shrugging gently, you pressed a kiss to Natasha’s temple before you manoeuvred yourself out of her grip, “I’m not stressed, I’m fine.”
“And I’m straight,” Natasha scoffed as you stilled in your place, once you had turned to face her you gave her a warning look. “Watch that attitude, Little Dove, I won’t hesitate to put you straight over my knee,” you warned, a slight edge in your tone.
Natasha pouted at your tone as she walked back towards you and wrapped her arms around you once more, but you couldn’t help yourself from smiling as you recognised the Christmas pyjamas Natasha wore as the ones you had bought her the day previously.
Natasha raised her eyebrow as she waited for you to tell the truth about how you felt, and you sighed quietly, “Fine, I am stressed. I’ve never hosted and you’re essentially meeting the people who are my family, so I can’t help but be nervous. I have never kept a woman around for more than a couple of days, I never wanted them to be with me. But with you? I do, I want you to stay with me.”
Natasha hugged you tighter after your words settled deep in her chest and it was times like these, where she was able to see the real you, that made her heart soar with emotion. She understood how hard it was for you to be in contact with your feelings, but she always appreciated the effort that you gave to do so.
“I’m not going anywhere, Daddy,” Natasha reassured as she kissed your cheek gently, “I never knew you were related to the Starks, by the way, like…I’d have never guessed.” You glanced at Natasha and shrugged a little, “You wouldn’t have known anyway, because they’re not my biological family, they’re the family I chose…who chose me.”
You saw the confused look on Natasha’s face and cleared your throat slightly, “My uh, well…my family and I don’t really see eye to eye. When I was younger, I was always neglected by my parents, and I was always given to the nannies or the helpers of the house to be cared for…never them. That was until Tony’s parents got wind of the fact I was pretty much always alone, because whenever I got too close, or too dependent, to any of the workers of the house my parents got rid of them so they couldn’t be there for my anymore, and that was when the Stark’s took me in.”
Natasha stayed quiet and listened intently to your confession, this being one of the biggest, and most personal, things you’ve ever shared about your life, even with her, so she knew that she had to make sure she didn’t do anything that would make you shut yourself off. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” Natasha frowned but you just shrugged and pressed another kiss to her temple, “It’s fine, I’m not even bothered. We have a family dinner once every so often, and that’s more than enough for me.”
“When was the last time you saw your family?”
You hummed slightly as you tried to remember, moving yourself to the kitchen counter as you started the task of cleaning up before bed to keep yourself occupied, “I think it was about 7 months ago now, the last time that I saw them all properly…if I don’t count the time my father came to me for help because he got in some trouble, owed someone a lot of money.”
“Maybe you should try telling them how you feel, I mean 7 months ago? That was a long time ago, Daddy,” Natasha noted as she moved to follow your actions and helped you clean up before she led you upstairs to your room. You shrugged once more as you stripped yourself from your clothes, leaving yourself in just your underwear before you climbed into bed.
“Not long enough, little dove, trust me,” you muttered as Natasha laid herself onto your chest, moving your hand to the top of her head so you would comb your fingers through her hair. “They’re not very nice people, and I don’t think I’ll ever introduce you to them. You’re too good of a person for them…for me.”
“Enough of that,” Natasha huffed as she moved to straddle your hips, “If I didn’t think you were worthy of me, I can tell you now that I wouldn’t be here in our bed, in our home, with you. I love you, a lot, and you’ve ruined anyone and everyone else for me. I don’t want anyone other than you. Now, I’m going to give you the option to open one of your Christmas presents early, would you like that?”
You hummed as you pretended to be in deep thought whilst Natasha snaked her arms around your neck and pulled herself closer to you, leaving no space between the two of you. Your hands ghosted over Natasha’s side which made her shiver and you smirked before you moved them beneath the thin t-shirt of her pyjamas, and rested them on her hips, “Are you the early Christmas present I get to unwrap?”
Natasha smiled and moved forward, her mouth close to your ear as she whispered a sultry, “Yes,” before she kissed the shell of your ear and tugged your lobe playfully, which resulted in a low growl from you. Your hands squeezed her hips firmly, a quiet whimper tumbled from her mouth before you greedily attached your lips to her own.
It didn’t take long for Natasha to start rocking her hips against your lap whilst your hands groped her body firmly, sometimes firm enough that she wouldn’t be surprised if it ended up leaving small bruises, not that she cared because it was your marks.
She was yours.
“You’re so pretty for me like this, desperate, needy,” you muttered against the sweetness of her skin, her perfume overriding your senses, whilst your teeth grazed her pulse point making her head lull to the side. “You can’t help but get dumb when I touch you like this, can you, little dove?” You teased as you bucked your hips up suddenly and gave Natasha the pressure she craved, and a desperate cry ripped from her throat.
“P-Please, I need you, I’ll be good,” Natasha begged as she rocked her hips more aggressively, the heat from her core easily felt through the flimsy material and you groaned as her hips rode into you in just the right spot. “Fuck, you feel so good against me,” Natasha whimpered as her head lulled back before it snapped back up when your hand came into contact with her cheek, and a surprised yelp followed the action.
“Watch your mouth,” you warned, holding her chin tightly as you ran your thumb over her bottom lip, “I thought you were going to be my good girl, what happened to that, hm?”
Natasha whined when your free hand halted her rocking movements, and the thumb on the hand which gripped her chin found its way into her mouth. Without hesitation, Natasha swirled her tongue around the digit and sucked gently whilst she blinked slowly, and innocently, up at you.
“That’s my good girl,” you praised as you flipped the two of you over so that Natasha was underneath you, her eyes were blown with lust, the forest green of her irises that you always found yourself lost in was overtaken by the blackness of her pupil. The both of you quickly shed the offending garments from your bodies to ensure you were bare to each other before you went back onto the assault, this time on Natasha’s chest making dark bruises in your wake.
“Such a pretty little thing and you’re all mine,” you growled possessively as you kissed down her torso and towards where she pleaded for you the most. The smugness you felt was evident on your face as you watched her rub her thighs together in an attempt of release before you slapped her inner thigh harshly, to get her to open her legs once more, and you wasted no time in starting to devour her like she was your favourite meal, because she is.
“Oh-god-yes!”
You moaned against her dripping sex; the slick that coated her inner thighs was now messily spread against the bottom half of your face as you pressed your tongue further into her contracting muscle. The legs of the redhead writhed beneath your iron grip as she bucked her hips up to ride your tongue, the shape of your fingernails now indented onto the milky, soft, and sensitive skin of her thighs.
After a short while, you noticed Natasha’s movements become uncoordinated to your actions showing that she was close to her high, so you picked up the speed of your tongue before you sucked harshly on her swollen bundle of nerves. “Oh my god! Can I cu-oh! Please, daddy!”
You made no effort to stop your actions, so you merely nodded as you pushed your face closer, her fingers tangled tightly in your hair as she tugged it whilst she let herself come undone over your tongue. Her sweet juices coated your mouth and chin as you pulled away, a thin string of spit still connected from your mouth to her cunt which made her gasp quietly and whine desperately.
“Oh, don’t worry pretty girl, I’m not finished with you yet,” you smirked glued your lips to Natasha’s, her moans muffled into your mouth as she tasted her own essence on your tongue. Once you moved away from her, you reached into your bedside draw and pulled out Natasha’s favourite strap, a knowing smile on your face once you realised Natasha shuffled beneath you with excitement as you secured the strap onto your hips.
“Please daddy, I want you so bad,” Natasha pleaded, her hands making their way to your bare back to drag her nails down it teasingly, leaving harsh red lines against your skin. You could smell her arousal which only highlighted her desperation for you, and your girl always got what she wanted.
You pressed your lips to Natasha’s feverishly as you slid the silicone toy into her core, her walls already clenched around the toy whilst you started to rock your hips, fucking into Natasha hard and deep, whilst she stabled herself by digging her nails into your back, emitting a low groan from the depth of your chest.
The pace you kept was brutal, the sound of skin meeting skin echoed through the room merged with the loud pleas and whines of the younger woman, her head lulled back against the pillows and her eyes rolled back in ecstasy as you started an assault on her neck once more, your teeth grazing over her pulse point. “You take daddy’s cock so well baby, such a good girl.”
“’M your good girl,” Natasha slurred as she tried her best to focus on you even though she was overwhelmed with pleasure. The praises that dripped from your tongue urged the redhead on, made her mind go fuzzy, as she bucked her hips to meet your thrusts in perfect harmony, ensuring that the silicone cock brushed the spots inside her that pushed her closer to the edge.
“Close-fuck- ‘m so close daddy, please let me cum.”
You sped up your pace, your hand moving to fix itself onto her throat and applied pressure, her hands moving to hold your forearm tightly to make your grip on her throat tighter, your thrusts now a lot harsher as you chased your own high. Your grunts urged Natasha to get closer to you as she hooked her legs around your waist and closed you in, your thrusts even deeper than before.
“Cum for me, such a good little whore,” you urged, to which Natasha immediately complied and arched her back as she finally fell over the edge and came undone on your cock, your high hitting at the same time. Natasha giggled breathlessly when she watched you nearly lose your balance because of the intensity of hitting your peak, and you sent her a playful glare as both of you caught your breath.
You discarded the toy from your body, tossing it to the side ready to be cleaned later before you laid beside Natasha, and allowed her to lay on top of you with her head tucked into your neck as her breathing finally evened out. “It’s 12,” Natasha noted, and your lips turned upwards into a small smile as she continued, “Merry Christmas, Y/N…I love you.”
You smiled softly, the sound of your name falling from her lips made your heart murmur deep in your chest, but the declaration of her love for you panicked you and you weren’t sure if you were quite ready, “Merry Christmas Natty, I uh…I love you too. Goodnight my little dove.”
Natasha smiled wide at the confession, after saying she loved you for at least 2 months, she was ecstatic to hear you finally say it back. She hugged you tighter and placed a gentle kiss on the side of your neck before she let sleep overcome her. Yeah, you might not be great with feelings but in this moment, you knew that you loved Natasha, and she loved you too.
--
< Part 2 >
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wonwoonlight · 2 months ago
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Jeonghan – accidental confession + “Why won’t you let me braid your hair?”
1.3k~ words – a thousand starlights event
“Your hair has started to grow again, huh?” you say as you eye the way his messy red fringe falls over his face.
“Why, you don’t like it?” he looks up from his phone, strays of his hair hovering over his eyes as he does so. You simply hum without saying anything, eyes focused on his fringe. When you’re about to open your mouth, Jeonghan boredly returns to his phone as he tells you a strict ‘No’ out of nowhere.
“I haven’t even said anything yet!”
“I know you and I know you’re going to say something I won’t agree to.”
You narrow your eyes at him, while Jeonghan simply gives you a side-look that obviously tells you he’s not buying it.
“But Han,” you whine annoyingly, knowing full well Jeonghan hates it when you try to use a cutesy tone at him. The guy manages to catch your wrist before your hand is able to touch his fringe, looking at you with accusing eyes. “Your hair looks so soft and fluffy.”
“Doesn’t mean I give you the permission to do whatever you want with it,” he says with a strict tone, though the grin threatening to bloom across his face is betraying him. “Last time I let you touch my hair, you cut it into a bowl cut.”
You giggle at the memory, telling him he looked cute anyway and no one said it was ugly because you did it properly.
“Well you could’ve gone to the salon and ask them to fix it to your liking if you hated it,” you shrug, still a little confused as to why he didn’t do it at the time. You did cut it properly, but you know Jeonghan isn’t into bowl cuts and you would’ve been fine if he had decided to change them right after.
Jeonghan doesn’t seem like he’s going to answer though, and when he lets go of your wrist and turns to take a sip of his drink, you can’t help but stare at his hair yet again. It’s not fair, really. How can someone look handsome and pretty at the same time? You’re absolutely certain Jeonghan is the most beautiful person you’ve ever laid your eyes on.
You may or may not be biased, but who cares? Who doesn’t have a crush on Yoon Jeonghan?
You frown a little at the thought, remembering how true your own words are. Jeonghan is the kind of person that brings attention no matter what he does or wherever he goes. You’ve got the privilege of being Shua’s cousin, Jeonghan’s bestfriend, which is how you manage to secure a place in their circle to begin with.
You often wonder if Jeonghan just considers you a sister, because he seems to be more comfortable with you than the other girls in the circle. Comparably, he’s easier with you than he is with them even though they’re pretty good friends with him too. It does make your heart flutter, if you’re being completely honest. But you’re also convinced he treats you with ease because you’re the youngest in the circle even though you’re not that much younger either.
That’s also the reason why you don’t have any plan on confessing to Jeonghan even though Shua has encouraged you to do it. He tells you there won’t be any loss in confessing, because Jeonghan isn’t the type of person to avoid someone just because of something like this. You don’t want to take his encouragement as hope, because you think Shua probably says this because he sees how hard it is for you to hold your feelings in.
But, to be fair, Shua does prank you a lot, so it’s on him that you don’t easily trust any of his words. Still, knowing that Jeonghan has girls (and guys) lining up to be with him isn’t pleasant nor secure at all. Would confessing really help, though?
“Why are you frowning that much?” he asks after he notices you’ve been silent. “You wanna do something with my hair that bad?”
His tone is light, and you snicker to cover the fact that you’ve just been thinking about him in his very presence; as if afraid he’d somehow be able to catch what’s on your mind. “Why won’t you let me braid your hair?”
Jeonghan blinks at the unexpected request, tilting his head to the side as he looks at you. “That’s what you want to do?”
It’s really not, but you honestly just want an excuse to be able to run your fingers through his hair, so you absent mindlessly nod and tell him you want to see how he’d look with his hair half braided.
“Okay,” he shrugs and tells you to move behind, even leaning back so his hair would fall against his shoulder. You know he used to have even longer hair, and even though his hair right now isn’t even half of that, it’s still long enough and you’re not gonna miss the chance to play with it.
After you move, you happily run your fingers through his hair, and it doesn’t surprise you at all that it’s as soft--if not more--than what you’ve imagined. You put a little pressure on your fingertips against his scalp, and Jeonghan groans appreciatively at the sudden massage.
“You sound like an old man,” you chuckle at the sound he makes from the back of his throat.
“Don’t care,” he leans his head back as if to succumb into your touch. “I forgot how good it is to have someone play with my hair.”
“Someone used to play with your hair?” you ask bitterly as you start braiding his hair, hoping Jeonghan wouldn’t notice the tone you’re using.
He simply hums though, perhaps not really willing to answer. You can’t help the heavy feeling in your heart, blankly staring at his hair as you try your best not to mess up the braid. Your sudden silence and the way you slightly pull his hair don’t go unnoticed by him though, and when it goes on for longer than he’s expected it to be, he decides to talk again to fill the silence.
“So, are you going to tell me why you’re pulling my hair harder than necessary?” he playfully asks.
“So your braid wouldn’t be loose, Han,” you answer curtly. “Don’t talk to me, I’m trying to concentrate here.”
He raises his eyebrows at the tone, quickly tracking back to what he’s said so far to see what could possibly get you annoyed out of nowhere. Are you like this because he said someone used to play with his hair?
“Are you jealous?”
“So what if I am?” you grumble loudly before you even realize, freezing as you realize what you just said and you feel Jeeonghan tense in front of you. Thank God he couldn’t see how flustered you look right now.
“Am sorry?” he says after a moment.
“What?”
“Did you just say you were jealous?”
“Who?”
“You did, didn’t you?” he grins to himself, about to turn to you when you simply pull his hair hard and make him scream instead. “Hey, that was uncalled for!”
“You turning your head when someone’s braiding your hair is uncalled for,” you manage to bark back despite your ears turning red from embarrassment.
Jeonghan snickers at this, though he dutifully returns to his original position before he opens his mouth again to your dismay. “No need to be jealous. It was just Joshua. Should I stop letting him play with my hair?”
“Shut up.”
“Shua told me--Ow! Stop pulling my hair!”
“Then stop saying nonsense!”
“I haven’t even said anything yet!” he laughs despite the sting, not bothering to hide the giddiness in his voice over the situation. But if what you said earlier and the way you’re acting tells him anything, maybe Shua wasn’t joking around when he suggests him asking you out one of these days.
He grins to himself as you grumble behind him, already cursing Shua and his big mouth even though Jeonghan hasn’t even said anything about what your cousin said to him. He’s not going to correct you though--he just needs to wait for the perfect timing and he’s ready to go.
He knows for sure now you return his feelings anyway.
©wonwoonlight – all rights reserved.
A/N: i had that Jeonghan from the baseball going seventeen episode in mind as i write this D: the way this man almost made me chop my hair off bc he looks so pretty that way....
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creamiecoups · 2 months ago
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coming up next ➝
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hey guys !!
here’s an updated version of my next few works and the updating schedule along with a little synopsis of each one :)
also thank you to everyone who requested these ideas !!
                       ─── ∙ ~εïз~ ∙ ───
dessert - s.coups x jeonghan x reader
[Release date: 25th November 2021]
Although being the personal assistant for two CEO’s who own a huge company seems hectic and stressful, it had its own perks if both men were head over heels for you that they didn’t bother fighting on who would get to keep you in the end. Anyways two is always better than one right?
But one downside would be that it meant you had to show up to every damn event hosted by the company or affiliates and with your attention span, you were always bored out of your mind. 
That is until you meet one of their very good looking buisness partners Jaehyun, sparking an idea in you to flirt with him to piss off the boys...but your too late to realise that it was indeed a bad idea.
[Warnings]
swearing, unprotected sex, rough sex, dirty talk, dom!seungcheol/jeonghan, they’re really mean, reader is very bratty, heavy degradation, lots of edging, slight vouyerism, dacryphilia, nipple play, size kink, oral (male and female recieving), deepthroating, cum eating, oral fixation, hair pulling, choking, biting, crying, overstimulation, double penetration, creampies, spit play, fingering
always watching - s.coups x reader 
[Release date: 1st December 2021]
Seungcheol had one main rule, and that was you were never allowed to touch yourself, especially when he was on tour.
But with your mind so lost in pleasure as you pictured the ways Seungcheol would fuck you when he got home you forgot an important piece of information. He knew he couldn’t trust your needy self, and so he installed cctv cameras around your shared apartment to keep a watch before he left. 
With his jaw clenched he watches you through the screen of his phone, his mind calculating and working hard as he thought of all the different and painful punishments he can give you when he comes home the next day to an oblivious you.
[Warnings]
swearing, unprotected sex, creampies, crazy rough sex, angry sex, kinda toxic?, reader has an attitude, dom!Seungcheol is very mean and kinda scary, daddy kink, size kink, heavy degradation, slapping, bondage, nipple play, oral(male recieving), deepthroating, crying, dacryphilia, cum eating, biting, spanking, choking, fingering, hair pulling, multiple orgasms, can i just have this labelled wild asf pls be 18+ readers
devils form of an angel - joshua x reader
[Release Date: 4th December 2021]
To the outside world, your boyfriend was the sweetest soul and a gentleman full of charms. But you knew his other side all too well.
What might’ve seemed like an ordinary dinner night out with his friends at first, you ignored his innocent grip on your thigh under the table, that is until his hand soon turns adventerous.
And when you excuse yourself from the conversation with an almost oblivious Minghao to give Joshua a piece of your mind, he drags you to the bathroom, giving you a reason to not complain anymore, or even be able to think.
[Warnings]
swearing, unprotected sex, rough sex, semi-publix sex, dirty talk, reader is a bit bratty, dom!joshua is a sly motherfucker, fingering, size kink, degradation, creampie, slight possesiveness
temptations - jeonghan x reader
[Date not set]
You hated Jeonghan more than anything. His stupid remarks to his teasing, everything about him pissed you off and you were his constant target for a reason you couldn’t quite comrephend. 
But neither of you could deny how the other made you feel.
And when your stuck with the annoying uni jock at a college party, things go south and not as planned...well, for you at least.
[Warnings]
enemies to lovers, swearing, unprotected sex, dirty talk, use of toys (a lot), overstimulation, lots of foreplay, degradation, vouyerism, oral (female and male recieving), cum eating, deepthroating, creampies, multiple orgasms, size kink, crying, dacryphilia, choking, bondage, fingering, spit play, possesiveness
tainted - jun x reader
[Date not set]
Your foreign to all things sex and lust, so you turn to your boyfriend Jun for some help, and he's more than happy to teach you all the things you've been missing out on.
If only you knew how much he’s been waiting for you to come approach him about it, just so he could be the one to taint that innocence in you and finally make you his.
[Warnings]
mild swearing, unprotected sex, dirty talk, sub!reader is very innocent, dom!Jun is a bit of a perv, jun is slightly possesive, huge corruption kink, oral (female and male recieving), cum eating, creampie, overstimulation, lots of praise
taglist:
@winterciella
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wonderbreadbucky · 2 months ago
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Where It Blooms - 1
Bucky Barnes x F!Reader
lightly inspired by persephone and hades, big sunshine know?
Chapter Description: Bucky comes to the Avengers compound after a deal with the government that he will stay with the Avengers. Weary, he follows through, and Steve is happy to have him around. While being introduced to the team, in bursts you. And you, you wake something in him that he thought to be long dead: warmth.
warnings: Mentions of torture and traumatic experiences
Word Count: 3,313
my masterlist | where it blooms masterlist
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Bucky’s hands were sweating. That was the only thing he was able to focus on as Steve drove on the winding roads. Well, that and the fact that he hasn’t stopped bouncing his leg for the last 12 miles.
He should be excited, he was pardoned by the United States Government, given the fact that he continues to go through mandated therapy. He was free from the jaws of Hydra, but now he is tossed into the fray as a newly instated Avenger. Another part of his pardon; join the Avengers where Steve can hover as Steve does, and he can be watched by the world’s best defenders. In all honesty, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but that doesn’t mean it was the preferable option.
Bucky was snapped out of his thoughts as Steve cleared his throat. “Buck, it’ll be okay. You’ll see.”
He scoffed. “You mean me living in a compound owned by a man who hates me?”
“Tony doesn’t-“
“Steve.”
“… Okay.”
The SUV rolls to a stop as they reach a metal gate, and Steve rolls his window down and punches in a four-digit code that Bucky can’t see. The gate doors slide open at that, and Steve pulls them through, continuing on down the road. They fall into an uneasy silence as the glimmering windows of the compound appear over the hill, and if Bucky weren’t so nauseous, he would be impressed. They stop outside of the main doors and Steve heaves a sigh as he puts the car in park.
“You ready?” Steve asks, trying to be as cheerful as possible to lighten Bucky’s weighted stomach.
“Don’t really have a choice, do I?”
It’s slow moving as Bucky tries to prolong the event, the cool metal of his dog tags smacking against his henley as he grabs his lone duffle bag out of the trunk. He sighs as he closes the hatch and finally follows behind Steve.
They enter the compound, making their way through the empty lobby until they reach the elevator. They step in as the doors open, and a voice rings through the empty air.
“Which floor, Captain?” Bucky tenses at the suddenness, unsure of who that was.
“Main Residential please, F.R.I.D.A.Y,” Steve states, ever so polite. He notices the tension in Bucky’s stature and quickly follows up, “That’s F.R.I.D.A.Y, she’s Tony’s A.I.- artificial intelligence. She replaced J.A.R.V.I.S, she helps us out around here. You can trust her.”
Bucky hums in acknowledgment, still unsure of the advanced technology he had missed in his 70 years. The elevator reaches the floor quickly, and soon they’re moving again. Steve takes him through a hall and his palms begin to sweat as his mind races. This is it. This is where he’ll be staying for the foreseeable future. Co-living with The Avengers, and working his way to fully being free from Hydra.
Steve clears his throat as they reach the end of the hall, snapping Bucky’s attention up, and everyone in the room’s attention to him.
“Guys, this is Bucky. As you may be aware, he’ll be staying with us from here on out. Bucky,” his chest tightens at this. “A few, ahem, formal introductions are in order.
This is Wanda and Vision,” She smiles at him politely, as Vision stared, indifferent.
“You’ve met Sam,” he nods at him, a smirk on his face.
“Thor,” a grin and a nod.
“Bruce,” he sheepishly waves.
“Natasha,” she looks at him with a slight lift in her brow.
“Tony,” there’s a scoff at that and Steve quickly shuts it down with a sharp look. “And- wait. Where’s –“ The doors to what Bucky assumes is another hallway burst open, and Bucky tenses even more as his gaze snaps to a woman. His breath hitches.
“Oops!”
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The soft tap of sneakers against carpet and quiet humming fill the space of the hallway. Despite being late to whatever Steve was planning in the living room, you move with ease, muscles are languid from being sun kissed and warm from your time outside. Arms filled with Grape Ivy, your soil covered hands play with the vines as they weave themselves up your arm.
After coming in contact with a plant at the end of your grandparents farmland, wandering out there to find Nonna’s cat after a rough storm that all but devastated their farm, you had developed the ability to manipulate plant life, which Bruce later explained was chlorokinesis. Once people began to find out about your power, word spread quickly. That landed you directly in the hands, or tentacles, of Hydra. They had stormed their way into your home one day, years ago, and took you away. They had you for months, running tests, experiments, trying to enhance your powers for their own benefit. They succeeded in that, leading to your powers not only enhancing the strength of your chlorokinesis, but granting you elemental control, and weather control, or atmokinesis according to Bruce.
Once they had that, the torture began to increase. They wanted you submissive, completely at their beck and call, but you withheld. You fought. The things they did to you still haunt you, a year later. Faces and figures linger in your nightmares, dull aches in the scars they left on you. You know you’ll never truly forget what they did to you there. The Avengers had saved you, took you under their wing and helped you gain control of your powers. They trained you in combat, helped you in recovering from Hydra, they were your family now, and you were grateful.
Finally reaching the door to the living room, you fumbled with the pot in your arms, trying to free up a hand to open the doors. Knowing it was futile, you took a breath and blew a piece of hair out of your face. Taking two fingers, you took another deep breath, and focused on manipulating a gust of air to lightly push the weighted doors open. Just open enough to be able to wedge your foot in the door and push your way through. With a flick of your fingers, you feel the air rush past you, fluttering your skirt around your knees.
Grossly underestimating the power you hold yet again, the doors flew open, locking into place as they hit the magnets on the wall to hold them open. As they slam against the wall you jump.
“Oops!” You grin sheepishly at the group, making eye contact with Nat and Wanda, who both are stifling laughs as Nat rolls her eyes at you with a soft smile. “Sorry…”
“Punctual is your middle name, kid.” Tony smirks.
“Oh shut it, bolts for brains,” You laugh out. Your gaze flashes to Steve who struggles to keep back a smile as he feigns disappointment.
“Y/N, I said to meet here at 2.”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry! I just got caught up with this one,” you lift the pot up and show your latest plant. “It took a while, you should have seen the roots on this one…”
You finally look over at the person next to Steve, and understand why he had called the meeting. It completely slipped your mind that today was the day that the Bucky Barnes was moving into the compound with you all. You smile brightly at him as you stride forward towards him.
“Hi! You must be Bucky! I’m Y/N Y/L/N, it’s nice to meet you!” You fumble to stick out your hand quickly, and notice the soil still clinging to it through the vines. You quickly pull back, brushing your hand against the skirt of your dress and sticking it back out. When you do, you see the stricken face of the man in front of you. You notice immediately the tension in his shoulders and go to take a step back when you feel his hand wrap around yours in a nervous handshake.
You smile at him again, softer this time as you shake his hand. Unbeknownst to you both, a wave of shock took over the rest of the room. Steve’s eyes were blown wide as he took in what was happening, and when he looked out to the rest of the group, their faces mirrored his.
You step back, the smile still stuck to your face as you glance at Steve who quickly changed his face to a neutral smile.
“If it’s alright with you, Cap, I have a new roommate to settle in,” you joke as you lift up the Grape Ivy. He nods at you with a smile, and you turn around and make your way to the elevator. As you enter, you turn around and call out, “Welcome aboard, Bucky!” And with one more blinding smile, the doors slide shut behind you.
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Bucky is still in shock as you leave. You were sunshine personified; glowing skin, sun kissed cheeks, hair lightened by that same sun who was lucky to even compare to the energy you gave off. So kind, despite knowing of his past. He thinks of how soft your hand was, even with the small callouses that graced them. He gripped his duffle bag tighter as he thought of you. This was cut short by Steve, yet again clearing his throat.
“And that was Y/N. She’s the newest recruit to the team. Been here for about a year or so.” He looks at Bucky with a glint in his eyes. “Alright, well, back to what you all were doing. Buck, let’s get you to your room, okay?” Bucky nods at this, and looks out to the group again. He nods once more in acknowledgement, and he and Steve make their way to the elevator that you had just disappeared to.
Steve tells F.R.I.D.A.Y which floor to go to, and the elevator takes off. Steve glances at Bucky again, and smiles.
“So… Y/N is a character, isn’t she?” he says innocently, kicking at non-existent dust on the elevator floor.
“She seems… Nice, I guess.” Bucky mumbles. Steve’s grin widens at this and he goes to open his mouth again, but the elevator doors open to cut him off. There’s a murmur of music coming from one of the rooms on this floor as Bucky and Steve make their way down the corridor.
“Now, this,” Steve opens a door, “is your room.”
The room was much larger than Bucky expected. There’s a wall of windows, a king sized bed was against the side wall, a night stand on either side. He peeked over to a door near the bed, and saw a pretty sizeable bathroom. Looking around, he saw a small living area, a couch, a small coffee table, and a T.V. too big for just one person. Taking small steps in, Bucky noticed the bareness of the walls. The stark white feels almost clinical as he enters, contrasted by the all black bed set and couch. With a huff, Bucky sits his duffle down and plops down next to it. He leans forward with his elbows on his knees and grinds the heels of his palms into his eyes.
At the door, Steve smiles sadly at him. If things could be different, Steve would have allowed him to live a normal life. Well, as normal as his life could be. He wouldn’t have to be thrown into the fight again, he’d be free to do as he pleases. Hell, Steve would’ve moved out of the compound to live with him, help him. But, the pardon is iron clad, and until he’s cleared he has to follow what the government deemed best.
Bucky glances over at Steve after a moment. He musters up the best smile he could, hair falling in his face.
“It’ll be okay, Buck. You’ll see.” Steve steps towards him.
“I hope.” Is his only response.
“Look, you aren’t alone on this floor. Don’t worry! I’m next door, Wanda is here too. And Y/N is right across the hall.” He gets that grin on his face again and Bucky feels his face flush.
“Steve-“
“Hey! I’m just saying.” He grins at Bucky and starts backing up. “I think she’s making dinner tonight, so you’re welcome to join us. I think Stark is heading to the city to deal with something, so don’t even worry about him.” He turns and walks out, the only sound left in the room is the door clicking shut. With a groan, Bucky flops back onto the bed. He stares at the ceiling, and closes his eyes, mind drifting to soil stained knees and sun kissed skin as he falls into sleep.
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You hum along to the music playing out of the speaker as you roll together meatballs, trying your hardest to make sure they’re small enough for the soup. With Bucky joining the compound today, and knowing how hard it is to adjust here, you decided to make your Nonna’s go to comfort food for you when your days were a little less than sunny.
Whenever you felt sick, or sad, Nonna would make you a big batch of wedding soup to soothe your soul and as you ate, you would listen to her tell you stories of Italy, and her youth. It always made you feel better, and you figured it would help Bucky as well. Once the meatballs were shaped you tossed them into the pot to sear in the oil. You move to the spinach to chop, glancing at the stained cookbook in front of you to make sure you were still on track. As you begin chopping, you call out to F.R.I.D.A.Y.
“Hey FRI? Can you tell everyone that dinner will be ready in about an hour? I’ve still got a bit to finish.” You struggle to chop the spinach as you speak.
“Yes, Miss Y/L/N.”
“Thank you!” You grunt out as you continue to struggle. You were never as good as Nonna when it came to helping her in the kitchen. She was able to chop the spinach a mile a minute and they were always the perfect size. When you tried, it was always tedious as the spinach tended to be in uneven strips. You finally finish chopping, not entirely satisfied with the way it looked, but it’ll all taste the same in the soup. You toss the spinach into the colander in the sink, giving it a good shake to make sure nothing sticks together. As you move to reach for the broth on the counter, a hand wraps around it first. You turn around and there Bucky is, holding the broth out to you, and looking at the floor.
“Oh, hi! I didn’t hear you come in, sorry!” You smile at him.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y woke me up, I came to get some water,” he trails off as you grab the broth from him and sit it next to the stove top. You mix around the meatballs, turning them so they brown evenly.
“Sorry about that, I just wanted her to tell everyone that dinner was going to be ready soon.” You smile sheepishly at him. Stepping away from the stove, you grab paper towels and reach for a plate.
“It’s okay, I needed to get up anyway,” He reaches up and scratches the back of his neck. “It… It smells good in here.”
“Thank you! I’m glad!” I smile at him again, and he looks at the counters, glancing around at the scattered ingredients, unsure. “Oh! I’m making an old family recipe. My Nonna would always make it for me and… Whenever I was sad, or sick, or just looking for a little comfort, y’know? Well, I figured I’d make it for your first dinner with us.” Bucky could feel his chest warm at that as he let a small grin slip onto his face. You smiled even wider and turned to the pot to finish the meatballs.
Bucky took a seat at the island, watching you move around the kitchen. You gave off such a warmth that Bucky could feel himself relaxing every minute he stayed in your presence. Time flew by as you mixed together the ingredients, and eventually you were stirring the soup and calling out to F.R.I.D.A.Y to let the team know dinner was ready. You turned around to him and smiled. You were always smiling, how was that possible?
“You want to help me set the table?” You nodded your head towards the cabinets above and he nodded so fast that it should have dizzied him. You stifled a laugh at this, and Bucky swore he would do anything to get to hear you laugh again. He grabbed bowls from the cupboards as you grabbed spoons from the drawer, and napkins. Leading him, you set the table, moving in tandem with each other. Bucky left to grab glasses as you moved to grab the pitchers of lemonade and water from the refrigerator. Sitting them down, you smiled at the setting, and looked up at Bucky who was already staring at you. You glanced down quickly to hide your blush.
“We make a pretty good team, huh?” You joked, straightening out a spoon. “Maybe next time I’ll recruit you to help me cook dinner.”
“… I’d like that.” You smiled at the table, and turned quickly to grab the large pot of soup. Bucky followed behind, and grabbed it before you could.
“I can help you with that,” he said, a ghost of a smile on his face. You smiled back, grabbing a pot holder, and sitting it on the table. Bucky sat the pot down, and in that same instance, the team began to trickle in.
“It smells good, Y/N.” Steve pat your shoulder and kissed the top of your head as he moved to take the head seat at the table. You grinned at him as Nat and Wanda filed in behind him, following with praises of their own. Nat smiled at you as you brushed it off, and sat down to eat.
Eventually, the team filed in and sat at their seats. You motioned for Bucky to sit across from your usual spot, as you began to serve the soup. Steve started to stand and protest, saying you didn’t have to do that, but you shot him down with a look.
“Nonna always said that it tasted better coming from the cook, so quiet, Spangles.” You scolded with a smile and Steve smiled and shook his head.
“You know that’s probably because she just wanted to spoil you, right?” Nat said with a laugh.
“Oh that’s definitely it, but it always ended up tasting special coming from her, so I’ll stick with it.”
Bucky watched the interaction, seeing your true effect on the people around you. Everyone seemed to love being in your presence. Steve truly let his shoulders relax, Nat actually smiled, Wanda’s eyes brightened. Thor seemed… happier if that were even possible, and Bruce seemed to loosen up. Sam smiled at you with a proud look on his face. They all cared for you, and you seemed to bring light to them. Bucky glanced down as his once empty bowl was sat down in front of him, now teeming with steaming broth.
“Alright guys, enjoy.” You clapped your hands, waiting for everyone to take a bite before you even thought about touching your spoon. Everyone took their first bites, and with a satisfied smile, you did so too. Warmth flooded your body and you tasted your childhood in that single bite. The pang in your chest was diminished when you looked up at Bucky, who was staring at you with a grateful smile. You nodded at him softly, and turned to look at Wanda as she started to speak. Soon enough, the dining room was filled with lively chatter.
And Bucky couldn’t tell if the warmth in his chest came from the soup, or from your smile.
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buckys-bug-archive · 8 months ago
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their angel
summary: bucky and steve have their sights set on you to be the third element to their relationship. you’re flawless in their eyes. their perfect angel. how long will it take for you to accept them?
pairing: dark!daddy!stucky x little!reader
w/c: 2.3k
warnings: kidnapping, forced age regression, forced drug ingestion, reader forced to be naked in front of them, if you don’t like dark fics do not read this!!
note: i’m thinking of making this a lil miniseries if it does well?? lmk what you think please!! reblogs and feedback are always appreciated :))
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Bucky and Steve have been searching for the missing piece in their life for a long time. They have each other, but it has always felt like there is something missing. Something inexplicable that they need to fill the void in their life.
That is, until they meet you.
They know as soon as they lay their eyes on you, that you have to be theirs.
And so they formulate a plan.
They get close to you, bit by bit, gaining your trust and affection until you trust them enough to be one hundred percent comfortable around them. Little do you know, the drink they buy you at one of Tony’s parties is spiked and you’re out cold in mere minutes.
Once it takes effect, they waste no time in taking you to their apartment, already completely little-proofed and ready for their angel. You.
When you awake, you’re cold, scared and completely confused. You scream out for someone, anyone to come and rescue you; you have no idea where you are or what is happening and you hate that lack of control.
Steve rushes to your side in an instant, cooing and whispering sweet nothings to you as you shake in his strong hold, trying to writhe out of his grip and get to an exit.
“Ah, ah, angel face. Where do you think you’re off to?” You hear Bucky’s stern voice ring across the room and you cower away from it, sinking into Steve’s embrace and hiding your face.
“Please don’t hurt me.” You manage to whimper out, hating the vulnerability of your voice in your own ears.
“Why would we hurt you, sweet girl?” Steve croons affectionately. “You’re our sweet baby, we’d never hurt you.”
“What? Wh-what are you talking about? What is going on?” Your voice rises a few octaves and you thrash wildly against Steve’s muscular arms enveloping you.
“Why do you think we brought you here, doll?” Bucky asks you as if the answer is obvious, and you shrug your shoulders, a look of pure bewilderment crossing your face.
“L-look, I don’t know what’s going on here. Just please let me go. Bucky-,”
When you say his name, Bucky lets out an almost inhuman growl and you cringe away from the noise, hiding your face in Steve’s chest as he’s the less frightening of the two.
“That’s not my name.”
“What?” you furrow your brow and cock your head inquisitively at him.
“That’s the first rule, sweetcheeks. You only address us by our proper titles.” You whip your head around to look at Steve, and he just nods along, affirming Bucky’s words.
“Daddy.” Your heart sinks to the pit of your stomach and you feel as though you’re about to throw up.
“I don’t want this.” you whisper and Bucky laughs darkly.
“Do you really think that you have a choice?”
At that, you begin to sob. Hot tears pour down your cheeks uncontrollably as you heave for air, your chest rising and falling rapidly. It feels as though it’s impossible to get enough air into your lungs and all of your muscles turn to mush. Steve holds you up, resting you against his chest as you scream and cry, a pained expression on his face whereas Bucky watches and enjoys your suffering, enraptured by your pain and unable to look away. You’re smart enough to know that you’re not strong enough to overpower one of them, let alone both. You’re stuck, whether you like it or not.
“Baby, there’s no need for tears.” Steve attempts to comfort you but as soon as his hand makes contact with your face, you scream. Flinching at the harsh noise, his eyes travel up to Bucky’s for reassurance and Bucky sees red, the fury he feels clearly reflected on his face. He walks towards you in two long strides, crouching down so he’s at eye level with you.
“Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.” His voice is dangerously low and your breath hitches in your throat, but your sobs don’t cease. Before you can even register what’s happening, Bucky’s hand makes contact with your cheek, hard, and a loud smack reverberates around the room.
Your next sob catches in your throat and you stare at him with wide eyes, your cheek already becoming red and hot to the touch.
“Good girl.” Bucky praises your silence, reaching his hand back out to soothe your cheek. You flinch away from him and he tuts, moving closer still and caging you between himself and Steve.
“I don’t understand what’s happening.” Your voice is awfully quiet and most people wouldn’t have even picked up on your speech. Bucky and Steve are not most people.
“Don’t you wanna be good for us, doll? Be our little girl? And we’ll be your daddies.” Bucky explains and you blanch at the mere thought of it.
“We’ll treat you real nice, princess.” Steve promises, running his fingers through your hair with a degree of gentleness you wouldn’t expect from a hardened super-soldier. “Buy you toys and all the stuffies you want. And colouring books. You like drawing and colouring, don’t you?”
“How do you know what I like?”
“We’ve been watching you, dollface.” Bucky murmurs to you, taking your hands in his. “Been gettin’ close to you, seeing what you like and what you don’t. Wanted to make everything perfect for you.”
“Was this your plan the whole time? To kidnap me?” you ask, incredulous.
“We’re not kidnapping you, sweet girl.” Steve chuckles. “We’re saving you. We see how hard you work all the time. How stressed you are. When you’re here, you don’t have to worry about big girl stuff. You can relax and we’ll take care of you. We just want to help you.” You find yourself almost agreeing with Steve’s comforting words before you’re wrenched back to the reality of your situation, the sheer gravity of your predicament falling on you - you’ve been kidnapped by two of your most trusted friends.
“But why me?”
“It’s always been you, from the moment we saw you. You’re the one for us.” Steve whispers into your hair, closing his eyes and inhaling your scent, finally being able to be close to you after months of holding back and restraining himself.
“I just want to go home, please Steve.” A hand strikes your cheek once again and tears pool in your eyes as you whimper pathetically at Bucky, already feeling yourself slipping into the headspace that you’ve been repressing for months.
“That’s not his name, baby. C’mon, you know better.”
“‘M sorry, Daddy.” you mumble, surprised at how easily the name rolls off of your tongue, almost liking the feeling of saying it.
“Clever girl. This is your home now.” Steve kisses the top of your head and lifts you into his arms as he stands, causing you to let out a high pitched scream and hide your face in the crook of his neck.
You stay hidden like that until he suddenly places you down on a soft mattress and sits you up to look at him.
“I think you need a bath, baby. Come on.” He holds his hands out to you and you shuffle away, your breath quickening as anxiety washes over you. “There’s no need to be scared, it’s just me.” He attempts to soothe you but inadvertently terrifies you more as all of the breath punches out of your lungs and you cry into your hands. He lifts you effortlessly, carrying you to the bathroom as you kick and scream.
When he sets you down on the bathroom floor, you flail your arms behind you in an attempt to wrench free of his iron grip, gasping in horror when you land a hard punch to his jaw. His face hardens and you attempt to scuttle away across the floor, cowering behind your arms and whining, the fear evident in your voice. Lunging towards you, he grabs your face harshly in his big hand, inching his face closer and closer to you until your noses are touching.
“I’m trying to be nice here, little girl. You might not understand what’s happening yet, but this is for your own good. And if you keep misbehaving, I will have to punish you.” The stony expression and the hard set of his jaw makes your heart drop to the pit of your stomach and you apologise instantly.
“‘M sorry, Daddy.”
“Good girl, you’re learning fast. Let’s get these clothes off of you whilst I run the bath, then.” You whimper, tears forming in your eyes and Steve coos at you gently. It amazes you how quickly his demeanour changes from cold and threatening to warm and comforting in an instant.
“Don’t wan’ you to look at me.” you mumble tearily and Steve crouches down next to you, taking you into his arms once more.
“Don’t be silly. You’re beautiful.” he reassures you although it does nothing to make you feel better. Kissing your forehead, he stands up and turns the tap on, filling the tub with warm water. When you make no effort to get undressed, he tuts reproachfully and tries to peel your shirt off and over your head. Your grip on the shirt is like iron and you thrash wildly, yelling obscenities at him.
“Bucky!” he calls anxiously, pinning your flailing body to his chest.
Bucky saunters into the room, taking one look at you and sighing.
“I thought you were learning.” He grabs your wrist harshly and you cry out. “I’ll hold her down, you get the clothes off.” He directs Steve, pinning your arms behind your back as you scream and sob.
Once they’ve managed to pry the clothes off of your body, leaving you naked and shivering, you begin to cry harder as their eyes rake over your naked form. When you attempt to cover yourself, Bucky slaps your hands away.
“What are you hiding for, hmm?” he questions.
“Just le-let me go.” you cry, and Steve shushes you, lifting your quivering body and placing you in the tub. Your muscles automatically relax as the warmth of the water envelops you and you sink further into the bubbles, hiding your body from their keen eyes. Steve begins to rub your shoulders to help relieve the tension in your muscles and you have to bite back a moan; despite your situation, it feels really good.
“‘Atta girl. Just relax.” Bucky soothes; it’s the least confrontational you’ve heard him be since you arrived. You lean back against Steve as he continues to massage you and Bucky begins washing your body gently, frowning when you tense.
“I’m just washing you, baby. Chill.”
As much as you try to stay alert, the warm lapping of the water on your body combined with Steve’s gentle hands sends you into a dreamlike state. They both chuckle at your sleepiness, finishing washing you and lifting you out of the tub. They wrap you in a fluffy towel before carrying you back to the bedroom and drying you off.
“What pjs do you want, sweetie?” Steve asks you, “Rainbows or unicorns?” You frown at the childlike choices but choose without complaining nonetheless.
“Unicorns, please.”
“You got it, baby. You’re so clever, using your manners.” Steve praises and you can’t help but preen at his kind words, a soft smile adorning your face. He slips you into the pyjamas without any more fuss and lays you down in the plush bed, sitting carefully next to you.
“Okay, sweetheart. One of us needs to stay with you tonight to make sure you’re okay. Do you want me or Dada to stay?” You tug on his hand, a pleading look in your eyes.
“Words, baby.”
“You please… Daddy.”
“Okay.” He slips in next to you, pulling you flush against his body and feeling every tense of your muscles as you lay on top of him. “Relax, sweet girl. I’d never hurt you.” You try to listen to his instructions; a small part of you is desperate to please him and you really don’t know why, but the urge seems to be getting stronger. So you lay your head on his chest and take a shaky breath, trying to relieve some of the tension from your body and slip back into that dreamy state.
“Oh!” Steve suddenly speaks up, startling you. “I bet you’re parched, baby. Do you want some water before you go to sleep?”
“Yes please, Daddy.” You know that the water is probably laced with some kind of drug to make you drowsy, but you’ll take anything that helps you sleep at this point, just so you can escape from them for a little while. Bucky leaves the room and returns a couple of minutes later with a glass of water. He hands it to you and you take it with trembling hands, gulping the whole thing down in seconds.
“Thank you, Dada.” you mumble, handing the glass back to him. He places a chaste kiss to your lips, catching you off guard, and you lay back down against Steve; whatever he put in the water is already taking effect and you can feel yourself getting more tired by the second. Within a couple of minutes, you’re out like a light, snoring softly against Steve’s muscled chest. He runs his fingers through your hair, kissing the top of your head and gazing up at Bucky with a worried look.
“She’s already learning, Stevie. We knew this would take some time, but she’s gonna be fine. It’s not instant, but our angel is in there, and she already wants to come out.” he reassures him, kissing his forehead before leaving him with you for the night.
Steve can’t help but think about what’s to come, and worry about how long it will take you to adjust to this new life. Bucky’s words do bring him some comfort, and he has faith in the fact that there’s a part of you that loves them just as much as they love you; it just needs to be brought to the surface.
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little-oxford-st · 21 days ago
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I know what I’m like. That’s the issue.
This line will probably live rent free in my head forever. I’m not kidding. It is such a perfect encapsulation of c!wilbur’s character that I stay up at night thinking about what goes on in cc!wilbur’s brain to come up with a line like this because it is flawless.
c!wilbur is extremely introspective, to a degree where it’s actually harmful to his mental health. He spends so much time in his own head tying himself into circles and paranoia about everything from his (rock bottom) self worth to what he thinks everyone else is doing and thinking (about him or against him) that he rarely takes the time to be present and in the moment and actually listen to the people around him and to what’s actually happening.
This tendency for internalisation and isolation - particularly when not in a good headspace - was only exacerbated when he died and spent thirteen years in limbo. Now he really didn’t have anyone to talk to but himself. I know we all joke about Schlatt, Mexican Dream, and Wilbur having endless poker nights but let’s be honest, to be in limbo is to be alone.
So on top of all the stress and self flagellation c!wilbur put himself under in l’manberg and pogtopia, where he wasn’t able to get out of his own head despite other people being there and trying to help him, he’s now spent thirteen years by himself with no external input at all, with nothing to do but scream and think about the past.
Because here’s the thing, here’s the genius in the line, c!wilbur does know himself, but he only knows the very worst version. He is his own worst critic. So much of how he thinks and his perspective is blown way out of proportion, because he doesn’t allow for other people’s perspectives to hold any real value for him.
c!wilbur’s flaws have always been tied to self worth, and in particular being the kind of person who ties their self worth to external achievements. He thinks if people see “the real him” they would hate him and be horrified. So that’s not allowed. Let them see the mask of The President. Let them see the symphony of L’Manberg. Let them never see him for what he really is. Importantly, this is also a self worth tied to a man who does believe he is smart! That is not in question! It is one of the very few things that aren’t! So he clings to it! His own thoughts, how he sees things, are given a very high value because it’s one of the very few things he allows himself to give value to.
So in the end what you have is a young man with rock bottom self worth, who doesn’t trust other people’s opinions, and has just spent the last thirteen years (and more!) obsessively going over everything he ever did and picking it apart, primed to find and exaggerate every flaw.
He does know what he’s like. He knows what his version of himself is like.
He both does and does not know himself. That is the issue. That has always been his issue. And precisely because of how he thinks he knows himself, he can’t know himself and can’t see himself clearly.
And it is this inaccurate perspective that motivates his actions, which causes all his problems.
Do you see?! Do you get it?!
That is the issue.
But not for the reason he thinks.
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nataliaphantomhivesblog · 9 months ago
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Newsflash: Dazai cares for Chuuya
Before reading any further, I will be talking about stormbringer, so spoilers ahead!! Translation credits go out to: @popopretty on tumblr, make sure to give this kind human some love and appreciation<3
Also if you want to read the first few chapters of stormbringer: @buraihatranslations is currently translating it, give them much love and appreciation as well, they deserve it!!
Honestly, I have been so obsessed with Soukoku lately and I think the reason behind this is because when it comes to Soukoku, their feelings for each other are not as easy to grasp as love or hate, it is much more profound than that. There is care, hurt, trust, resentment, companionship, bitterness, and consideration...And ironically enough, thats just the tip of the iceberg.
If we break down their individual feelings towards each other, it will be easier to understand their bond.
On Chuuya's end, his feelings are much more clear due to his expressive personality. He wears his emotions on his sleeves, he can try and hide what he feels towards Dazai but his true feelings tend to unravel easily.
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He sometimes tries to mask his feelings towards Dazai by throwing insults, but his facial expressions are enough to contradict what he is saying.
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Chuuya's feelings towards Dazai can be easier to comprehend. He obviously feels this certain betrayal due to the fact Dazai left the Port Mafia. Not to mention, he and Dazai have always had a rivalry relationship.
In the Soukoku wiki page, it is stated that Chuuya is aware of Dazai not experiencing a proper childhood, therefore allows him to act as childish as he can and lets him tease him relentlessly. I don't know how reliable this source is, but either way I think its worthy enough to add.
In the Dragon head conflict when Dazai was out of sight, Chuuya told Mori to forget about Dazai. That was until Hirotsu mentioned a microscope, Chuuya quickly realizes it was code language because he remembered a previous conversation where Dazai says he needs a microscope to be able to see Chuuya properly.
The moment he figured out it was a tracker, Chuuya did not hesitate to jump in and rescue Dazai. But here is the catch: No one but Chuuya knew about the microscope, if Chuuya really didn't care for Dazai he wouldn't have mentioned the microscope and kept all this under wraps, leaving Dazai in a mess.
Chuuya trusts Dazai with his life. He never hesitates to leave his life on Dazai's hands when it has to come to it. Chuuya and Dazai have known each other for years, for Chuuya to be able to trust Dazai that much is because Dazai also cares for him too, right?
The answer here is yes, Dazai cares for Chuuya. In a superficial level, it doesn't seem like Dazai truly cares, but I can assure you that he does care for him. Weather you like to think of his care in a platonic or romantic manner, the care Dazai has for Chuuya is undeniable and extremely significant for Dazai's character.
I think that stormbringer establishes this idea even further. There is one specific moment in this light novel that shows his genuine concern towards Chuuya's well being:
"There is one problem." Dazai cut off his sentence hesitantly. "It has nothing to do with the sucess rate of the plan. It is a matter we have to overcome in the end but... It may require some time to decide."
"What's with you?" Chuuya raised his eyebrows at Dazai. "Stop dramatizing it. Just hurry up and say it."
"I said earlier about this control spell to open the 'gate' that is used to reset the command inside Chuuya, right?" Dazai spoke with a strangely restrained voice. "If we use that, the logs of the command formula that were written in the past will be erased. That means...even if the memory erasure was used on Chuuya in the past, the traces of that will be erased as well."
"What?"
"I told you before right, the memory erasure command. The only way we can confirm if Chuuya is human or not is to check the history to see if the memory erasure command was ever used. It means..." Dazai looked at Chuuya with eyes that he had never looked at him before. Those eyes were serious. "If we use that control spell, the method to confirm if Chuuya is an artificial personality created by a string of code, or just a normal human being, will be lost. For good."
The time had stopped.
Chuuya opened his eyes and looked towards Dazai but his eyes were not seeing anything. The wind blew between the two of them. Even so, Chuuya did not blink.
"Verlaine became like that because he was tormented by the curse that he was not human. That only is enough of a big problem. The matter of being human or not." Dazai looked at his pocket watch, gave it a glance and continued. "I can delay the time until the plan starts for about two minutes. I will send an order for my men to wait... You can think about it alone for a while. Cuz I guess its hard for you to collect your thoughts with me around."
Having said so, Dazai turned away and walked down the stairs, leaving Chuuya alone.
Dazai fixated in his pocket watch. Two more minutes. Too short for a life decision. But he couldn't afford more than that.
Inside Dazai's head, he was planning a procedure to swith to an alternative plan in case Chuuya refused, at a tremendous speed.
This section in stormbringer is personally one of my favorites, this is a very rare moment between both of them, but especially for Dazai. Like I stated earlier Chuuya wears his emotions on his sleeves, therefore even if he tries to mask his care with insults, its still painfully noticable that he genuienly looks after Dazai. Chuuya also sometimes show a vulnerable side of himself to Dazai, especially after using corruption.
Dazai on the other hand is extremely unreadable. Its hard to understand his true intentions and if he really cares for people or only sees them as a pawn. In this moment though, Dazai was being painfully genuine. Dazai literally prioritized Chuuya over the mission. He was already thinking of coming up with an alternative plan just in case Chuuya refused, obviously the sucess rate of the alternative plan would be lesser than the actual plan Dazai had in mind, he choose Chuuya's wellbeing over a mission.
In this section, Dazai wasn't throwing jokes or witty remarks, he was being serious. Because Dazai knows how desperately Chuuya wants to be human. He knows how important being human is to Chuuya.
Dazai wasn't manipulating Chuuya by giving him the chance to decide, we can see that Dazai was literally showing a lot of hesitation when mentioning this to him, we also get to see what Dazai was thinking, and we can tell he wasn't thinking about manipulative his movements in any way. All of this wasn't coming out of manipulation, it was coming out of pure care.
After six steps, Dazai reached the stair. He stepped on the stair and started walking down. Three steps down the stair, he heard a *clang*, a cool sound of metal echoing behind him. It sounded like the metal was kicked by the sole of someones shoes. The moment Dazai realized what the sound was, Dazai turned around in surprise.
There was already no one at the top.
Dazai was dazed for a moment, then he loosened his lips and laughed.
"Trying to act cool, huh?" Dazai smiled, both annoyed and relieved. Then he turned on his radio and sent out his order. "Chuuya has sallied, everyone get ready for battle."
I personally love this part so much, relief washed over Dazai the moment he noticed that Chuuya was going to go through with the first plan, which proves my point that he wasn't manipulating him and how Dazai was under a lot of stress because he wasn't sure if the alternative plan would be as effective as his original one.
Yet he still was willing to go through the alternative plan if Chuuya refused, because Dazai values him and regards his wellbeing.
Dazai was being surprisingly gentle in this section, he was being honest. There was no ulterior motive behind his actions here, just a boy looking after his partner.
"So i'm going to send an order to my men to prepare for action... Is that okay?"
"Of course it's okay." Chuuya turned to Dazai. "Why are you asking me such a thing?"
Dazai didn't answer right away.
That was an unusual expression. It's like he was trying to say something, but he had to arrange the words in his head to decide where he should start. An expression he rarely shows.
This was right before Dazai drops the bomb to Chuuya about the memory erasure command. He was even asking for Chuuya's opinion on sending his men to get ready, this was the first time Dazai ever showed actual concern without masking it with witty remarks. You can tell that Chuuya isn't used to this.
And when you think about it, when Dazai and Chuuya have missions together, Dazai always uses corruption as a last resort and he always allows Chuuya to make the decision if they will be using it or not.
I personally belive that the main reason Chuuya trusts Dazai with using corruption is because The Sheep used to exploit his powers too much, but Dazai leaves the decision to use corruption up to Chuuya. Dazai understands the physical and mental toll corruption takes on Chuuya and therefore leaves the choice up to him.
Theres another section in stormbringer that I really enjoy, it doesn't necessairly show solicitude but I still think this should still be taken into consideration:
"You seem pretty confident that Chuuya is human, don't you?"
"I am," Dazai laughed with a sigh. "There is no way a man-made code could create such a personality that I detest so much."
Throughout the whole story, Dazai is more than determined that Chuuya is human. The main reason Dazai finds Chuuya so intresting is because of how frighteningly human Chuuya can be, because of the fact that he always wears his emotions on his sleeves, something Dazai rarely does himself. Thats personally a nice sentiment from Dazai's end, even when Chuuya struggles completely when it comes to believing in his own humanity, Dazai still can't help but see him as a human being.
Also I am aware that Dazai literally said he detests Chuuya here but he also sighed and laughed while stating this, showing us that he isn't being serious about hating him.
And its not only in stormbringer were he shows his concern towards Chuuya. In fact, in this following manga pannel Dazai is telling Chuuya that if he is willing to listen him, he will stage his own escape so that Chuuya doesn't get punnished.
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Honestly, if Dazai didn't care enough for Chuuya, he wouldn't have mentioned this to him. Chuuya didn't care enough to realize that he literally unwillingly freed Dazai which would get the pm mad at him, so the fact that Dazai is literally helping him out is no doubt out of care for him. If Dazai didn't have any regard for Chuuya he would've not staged his escape or mentioned anything to Chuuya, eventually incriminating him.
There are many misconceptions when it comes to Dazai's feelings towards Chuuya, people think that he doesn't care for him due to the fact that he left the Port Mafia, leaving Chuuya behind. But heres the thing: Dazai's intentions had nothing to do with Chuuya. He left the organization for his own good, he left it to fullfill Oda's wish.
"If Dazai cared for Chuuya then why didn't he take Chuuya with him?" the reason is simple, he knows how much the PM means to Chuuya. In stormbringer it is shown that Chuuya feels as if his humanity is attached to the people he is loyal to, in this case its the port mafia. Verlaine wanted to get rid of the pm because he believed that the pm is what kept Chuuya's humanity, eventually making Chuuya believe that he is only human if he stays loyal to the pm. Dazai knows this. Thats exactly why he didn't take Chuuya with him or even explains to Chuuya why he left, he knows it would be selfish to basically rip Chuuya's sense of humanity apart.
I have a feeling that if Dazai told Chuuya about the real reason he left the Port Mafia, Chuuya will not only feel conflicted about being in the pm, but he would also have an inner conflict with himself as a human.
People also think Dazai may not really care for him because of the fact that after the fight against Lovecraft he actualy deserted him, maybe that part was truly just supposed to be seen as simple humor, but either way I want to talk about it. Chuuya's only request to Dazai was to take him back to base safe, so why did Dazai leave Chuuya behind?
I mean he has carried Chuuya back to saftey before with no problem, for example in stormbringer when Chuuya uses corruption for the first time Dazai carries him back to the billiards bar and not to the mafia’s base so that he could say goodbye to his passing friends.
The reson behind this is because Mori needs to know that unlike Dazai, Chuuya is absolutely loyal to him. Leaving Chuuya the way he did will make Mori believe that these two really are at each others throats and that Dazai is insignificant to Chuuya. Making it seem that for Chuuya, the mafia comes first before anything else.
Therefore Dazai established Chuuya's saftey within the mafia since not only does Mori want these two to be hostile with each other, he doesn't want Chuuya to eventually turn against him if he truly found out more about Dazai's true reason of departure. Then again, this isn't canon but it is a logical assumption.
Not to mention that although Dazai did leave him behind, he folded Chuuya's coat and hat before taking his leave. There is also an an extra chapter where Ozaki Kouyou was talking with Chuuya but when he left he forgot his coat, which made Kouyou came across the coat; where she noticed a badge sewed inside saying "Name: Hatrack", she smiled fondly thinking to herself that some things just never change, in this case, Dazai and Chuuya's bond.
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Dazai literally took his time to sew this into his coat just to tease him, it was a simple gesture but it shows us how their dynamic will never change. No matter what these two go through, they will always share a bond that consists on teasing, trust and underlying care.
All of this actually makes that theory of Dazai planting a bomb under Chuuya's car for the sole reason that the PM doesn't find Chuuya as an acomplice who aided Dazai on his escape much more feasable.
For Dazai to just plant a bomb under Chuuya's car with no motive makes no sense because if Dazai's true intentions were to simply mess with Chuuya, he would've most likely made it clear at that time. Dazai always has an underlying motive behind his actions, and in this case it is very likely that he did that for Chuuya's sake.
Don't get me wrong, I am aware that the bomb incident could've just been a comedic moment and I shouldn't look too much into it, but there is still a posibility, right?
These two hold so much trust and care for one another, yet they also hold a lot of bitterness and resentment. In the end the good aspects of their dynamic outweighs the bad.
Either you see these two in a platonic or romantic way, you can't tell me that their bond isn't significant.
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Thank you so much for reading!! I wanted to talk about this for a while because I feel like people misinterpret Dazai's feelings towards Chuuya a lot so I hope this clears up things a bit<3
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turbolisedcomet · a month ago
Text
POISON OF AN ILLUSION
Summary: Bucky held you, kissed you, slept beside you and even then, he was never really yours.
Pairings: Rockstar!Bucky x reader(any race)
Word Count: 4.7k+
Warnings: Angst, cussing, heartbreak.(You know the drill)
Author’s Note: Here is my work for @samthemarvelfan #scenes from a song writing challenge and the song that I have picked is Someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi. Congrats on the milestone, hun. Thank you for giving me a chance to participate in your challenge. Hope you guys enjoy it and don’t forget to reblog and comment. I love hearing what all of you have to say about my work.
DO NOT PLAGIARIZE, REPOST, TRANSLATE OR DO ANY OF THAT CHEAP SHIT.
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The one that got away, the right person but the wrong time, the one you took everything too fast with. There were so many more alternatives you wanted to associate Bucky with just for the question to not be answered by the one answer that you just couldn't face and accept, the answer being that maybe he just wasn't meant to be yours, maybe he wasn't meant to bloom and blossom in your garden, maybe his heart was not made in a way to make a home for you to stay. But, how can someone you know you belong to, your heart belongs to you, not be yours at all?
Bucky consumed every part of you in a way that you weren't even your own person anymore. He was there flowing in your veins, owning every inch of you that came under his touch, he was there in the very air that you took in, every thought that ebbed and flowed into your mind, everything you did, everything that was you had everything to do with him.
Perhaps that was exactly the problem, you allowed yourself to be his, allowed him to possess you with so much trust in him that his intention with every part he owned of you would never be to ruin them and would always hold them gently, that's why when he let you fall down so unexpectedly you could do nothing but shatter.
Break and splatter pieces and shards of your broken being everywhere, helplessly.
Gone were those souvenirs of the relationship that you could once say gave you life, lost were the feelings that Bucky promised he would never let die even after he was gone, invisible was the happiness that you had truly found taken away by the very same person who brought it to you in the first place like it was a personal challenge he had with himself to see how much hope he could give you only to watch you break after realizing that you were pouring all your love and hope into a bottomless cup.
That's exactly how the breakup could be seen as at least for you. Abrupt, sudden, and most of all heart-wrenching.
You could still remember the frantic thoughts and questions rummaging through your head as if to search for any answer, rutting against your head as if to free themselves to go in search of the answers that they were unable to find. The way your eyes were clouded with every word that had escaped his mouth as if you were drowning in a sea of heartbreak, the stinging water even though cold still burning you as it filled its way escaping as evidence of your world crashing down while tears flowed down as broken steams of the ocean of heartbreak.
Bucky was there sitting on the couch watching the one person who helped him with everything, fall apart from his confession of not being able to feel as much for you as he thought he would have, another surprise because you were so sure that everything that you felt for him was reciprocated but then again the blindfold of love can be so hard to remove that you just give up trying to remove it and find comfort and happiness in what's not under your control, completely trusting that everything going around you is fine and basking in the bliss of not everything being in your control.
“ I can't feel that way for you. It's just….I can't even force myself.” You hated how he spoke like you knew this was coming. You didn't, not when he did such a great job of making you a fool.
“ I’m sorry. You deserve someone who can love you the same way you love me.” But no matter how truly and greatly someone would love you, it would never mean anything unless it was from Bucky.
“ You’re just not it.”
The moment he had walked out the door after wishes of a happy life ahead, which was funny when he could clearly see that you would never be the same after the way he had dropped your life from his hand, you knew that the sudden coldness of the apartment, the emptiness that you could feel with yourself as he vanished from your eyesight like he did from your life, all of it would follow throughout your life.
The hurt was like a piece of remembrance that Bucky had left with you that you could never seem to leave behind. With the hurt that he left you, his phantom followed you everywhere like an unbreakable curse that had the intention to deliver pain and anguish to you without sparing you a second of rest.
You could feel its heaviness weighing you down, the emptiness drinking every drop of joy and hope to fill itself, leaving you behind like a shell of someone you used to be, someone Bucky made you realize you could be.
Bucky’s popularity didn't help either. He was everywhere, his name was spoken in excited words followed by giggles and praises, his art was always floating in the air, his voice reaching you no matter how hard you tried to hide from the words and symphonies that you wished you were the inspiration of.
Bucky’s smile on the magazines mocking your heartbreak, his unaffected nature on every interview, and the same happy glint in his eye, unlike the one that had already extinguished in your eyes and heart, making it clear that you were the only one suffering the loss of your heart while for him it was nothing but a gain of freedom, from you, from your love, from the thoughts that he had to in some way reciprocate the love that you showed.
Was he so not affected by not having someone who has been with him for two whole years, someone who was there to hold him till he slept when the world wouldn't take its words of hate and cruelty out of his mind, someone to whom he was just not another rich and popular man but just Buck?
Everything seemed to be going just fine, if not the best, for him and the fact that he was living his best life when he let himself out of a two-year-old dream of bliss that you were harshly woken up from and like pouring down cold water to wholly snap you out of the after-sleep daze that had you hoping that Bucky would come back, there he was acting like he has never known that you ever existed.
In the midst of going back to a life without, a life that seemed like everything that Bucky has ever wanted, he had completely forgotten about you. Not a thought, not a call, nothing.
2 years and it just took a few words with which he freed himself from the relationship to live the life he has always wanted to.
2 years of giving bits of your peace when he didn't have any, giving him a home in your heart and mind when there was no one else letting him take shelter.
The next thing you know, Buky has a new girl in his life and you just knew in your very bones that she was not just another girl who would waltz into his life and waltz away after a short stay. He was not going to let her go like he did with you. He loved her too much to let her go and you knew it not because he loved you the same way but you were all too familiar with loving him like how he loves her.
You had to see him smile a way you have never seen him smile whenever he was with you, you had to watch him flaunt like she was the treasure that he’s been searching around for the whole time and slowly every picture, every interview, every secret moment which was not so secret, that made its way to everyone’s screens became a personal collection of what you wish you could have had with him.
While you were barely living through each day with the constant dread after having to face so many times that Bucky will never be yours, he will never love you the way he loves her, Bucky was out there probably not even remembering that he has a girl left all heartbroken by what seemed to him just mere words.
With every picture of them, every song he wrote for her, every sweet word that spilled from his mouth so effortlessly like praising and showcasing his love for her was the only language he knew, all hope had left your body along with the happiness and peace in your life.
You weren't yourself but at least it didn't hurt anymore. Everything was numb, in a state of silent chaos. The sharp edge of the ax chopping and cutting at you but like a tree all withered away, you had no response. There was nothing left in you. The leaves had died away, showing no hope of a beautiful sight anytime soon. The flowers had fallen down, displaying very clearly the end of new blossoms that would have been filled with so much hope for what they had waiting for them. With every swing of the ax of reality, you accepted it, unbothered.
Winter had set in and there was no sign of your heart now cold and frozen from the cruelty of love, to thaw away and take away with it the hurt and scars caused on you.
But, you have never been good with guessing what was to come and your life loved to use it to its advantage to throw a sudden curve to a straight road that you were traveling on, only this time it was something that didn't disappoint.
Bucky was back. Back to you, back in your life.
The path that made you lose him in the midst of the crowded forest had led the two of you back to each other again and there was nothing that could prove to you that the two of you weren't meant to be when despite everything that had happened, the fog cleared only to show the two of you to each other.
“ (Y/N).” You hadn't heard your name spoken in his voice, something that haunted you, since the day he left. But, there he was under the flashing lights of the crowded club, looking at you and for a moment you believe that Bucky did not forget you the way you presumed that he would have.
“Bucky, what-wow I didn't expect to run into you.” In pure surprise and mild fear of what the encounter would bring, you had said and Bucky looked at you, in the chaos of the club he had focused on the peace that your presence had brought.
As if to snap yourself back to reality, the thought of his girl had crossed your mind and you had felt yourself deflate as if scoffing at your own delusion.
“ Yeah, I -” He had looked away at the crowd like he was trying to contain his emotions, you knew he was “ I needed to get my mind off a few things.” He had said with a sigh that faded into the pounding music, but you heard him. There was nothing that made sense to you and was perceived by yours other than anything that had left his mouth.
You knew it was pathetic, the way you without hesitation allowed him in without a thought and you were ashamed by how easily Bucky could unknowingly control you.
“ Oh.” You nodded your head slowly as he slowly smiled at you and you knew staying there would not do you any good.
And it did not. Only if you had known it earlier.
Trying to act as normal as you could, you had asked, “What about your girl? Didn't she come with you?”
His silence had been louder and more suffocating than the blaring music and the crowd taking up every inch of the huge room.
You knew from the way his whole stance shifted and the way he had clenched his jaw that he was going through something that you did 2 years ago.
“ Uh-” His voice broke but he cleared his throat to cover it up “-we broke up a few months ago. Didn't want to make a big deal out of it.”
At that moment you had felt like such a horrible person when hope flared through you like a silent and dormant disease coming back to life again to ruin the healthiness, the least bit of it that you had found.
The hope did kill you, slowly as it spread to the healing and already healed parts of your heart.
“ I’m so sorry to hear that, Bucky.”
He had just shrugged, still caught up in the hurt that the mention of her had brought.
People had started to recognize Bucky, murmurs had erupted with their steady eyes on him and he saw it, he felt their hawk-like watch on him.
“ We’ll meet again?” He asked to get ready to leave as soon as he noticed the attention on him.
“ Yeah, I still use the same number.”
He had paused, eyeing you with hesitation before saying, “I don't have it anymore, could you give it again?” And you could still remember the way you had felt so unimportant to Bucky. Just how much the two of you were different when it came to perceiving a lost love.
Giving your number to Bucky again turned into frequent calls, ones that made your gut warn you with a twisting feeling that maybe you shouldn't be as excited whenever he called and asked to spend time together. The disease was slowly growing, feeding on every positive thought you had on how far and bright the lost fire would burn again, but your hope overpowered every sign of a forthcoming snowstorm.
You met with him after that, spending some time together, and the fact that he was there with you completely erasing and blinding you to the wounds that he had once left.
One hang out turned into spending time whenever the two of you weren't busy and you were jumping down the cliff believing that the water will take you in, all while it was the rocks awaiting your landing to deliver you the most pain. But, right now you are blinded by the bliss of the air whipping through your hair and enveloping your body for you to even consider the notion that what's waiting for you won't be something as pleasant as a dive into the blue abyss of peace and beauty.
You have revived again, every moment that you spent with him, bringing back the light lost in you that would not burn without him, the only gasoline that would work for your fire.
For the next few months, Bucky didn't leave your side and this time you were going to make him stay and show him that he could love you the way you love him, the way he loved her.
Bucky smiled and you took pride in knowing that you were able to make him feel happiness after how his girl had left him but he smiled brighter, a more real smile, when he was with her.
He talked about his work when you asked him but he used to sing every song to her they laid together on the bed that they once shared, sometimes even making up songs, the words just flowing out of his mouth when his muse was right there in his arms. All while you felt as if he couldn't get more intimate with anyone.
Bucky could never love you, the way he loved her. But, the little parts of him that he showed again for the first time since he was not yours anymore, had you believing that his love for you was back, and this time it consumed him, the love actually made a home in his heart.
Bucky was the Bucky you used to know, he bought you flowers and despite how it was her favorite ones, you brushed it off. He was still healing of course and you found comfort knowing that you were the one helping him heal.
Bucky made you feel loved again and for the first time, you had someone to know, someone to have, someone to hold.
You have been fooled yet again. No, you didn't know even a fraction of who he was, he didn't allow you to when he didn't even love you enough for that.
It all felt so easy, going back to how it used to be with Bucky. He numbed the pain, the same one that he had caused.
There wasn't a part of you that Bucky didn't know or see anymore. You let him in, with the walls built around your heart, broken down just for him to come in. But then again, he was always strong enough to break down any wall you had built. There was no escape from him and you didn't want any, not when he was there with you, not any other woman. Just you.
You waited and waited, knocked and knocked at the doors of his heart and when he finally let you in, he let you into the faux part of his heart meant for everyone to see, something that was just a display but little did you know that you were no one special to him. Nothing but a mere distraction until fate brought him back to his one true love.
You became the person that you thought Bucky loved, pouring out your soul to him, letting him hold your heart once again and you were so sure that he would have held it so preciously and for a while, you did believe him. You became his again. You started getting used to someone he loves, yet again.
With a kiss and a gentle, “ I wanna try again with you, for real this time.” you were under his spell, too caught up in his faux display, again.
You just knew that your story, a beautiful fairytale, was only being written. This was the start.
Bucky was sleeping by your side again, he was worshipping your body again, he gave what looked like love to you, again. And you took everything he had to give.
“ I love you. I never stopped.” You confessed and Bucky was taken aback, his feelings conflicting, and in the end, denial won.
“ I love you, too.” Bucky didn't know how long he was going to lie to both himself and you but since he was doing such a good job in fooling you, why would he stop?
“ Do you ever think about her?” Every day, but now he was not going to admit that.
Returning his attention back to the dishes he had to wash he had said, “ Who, honey?”
You had stared at him not being able to believe that you finally had him, he was yours.
“ Just that one girl who sneaked into your tour bus and made a mess.”
With his laugh, you could only feel your love for him grow and Bucky could only feel the agony in him grow that you were not her, you didn't laugh like her, you didn't talk like her.
Your love would never make him feel loved.
Bucky would never shine in your sky.
The fruit of his reciprocated affection would never grow on your tree even though it was grown only for his love to blossom in it.
On the trust-filled way that you were on, you crashed down, and suddenly you didn't trust the blindfold of love that you trusted so much.
She was back.
And you knew it by the way his eyes sparkled a way you didn't know they could and how his smile stretched so far that his eyes were crinkled. You never knew he could smile that big.
If you were so content and confident with what you and Bucky got to share again, in this second chance then why were you doubting his love for you?
“ Buck, I promised you I would be here for this one concert, didn't I?” She had answered when he stuttered out the question of why she was there and god, you had never felt more alone even in the crowd of people while you were with your man.
She was perfect. Everything that anyone would want. Not once did she make it seem like she was going to take Bucky from you, she was happy for him. And how you wished you could say that she was bad for him.
That day you had ripped the blindfold off of your eyes and oh god, you wished you hadn't been met with the horrifying reality, something that the sensible part of you, always meek and not heard, had been trying to warn you about.
There was no love.
Bucky’s faux display was wearing out, slowly, giving you a clear picture of the clear message hidden underneath, and even if it wasn't clear yet, you still hoped for the worst.
Bucky sang the most beautiful that night about love lost. Will, he ever find it again? he asked. Will he ever be able to love again? He asked.
And not once did his eyes move from her.
Nothing was the same anymore, you couldn't look at what you called your love the same way when you had the blindfold fooling you.
It was as if she had brought you the power of seeing the unseen and noticing the very absence of his love along with her.
You were now able to see how much he was not giving into the relationship, you were the only one giving and giving again as if you had him trapped in something that he had no interest in.
He kissed you, held you, said he loved you but nothing, none of it gave you life like it would have not when the words were spoken were and touches on your body were so empty that they had nothing to give.
Everything you did made you wonder whether, he did more with her, did he sleep with his arms wrapped around her unlike how he did with you? Did he actually care to say that he loves her without her having to say it first?
Did he actually love her?
Knowing that she was back, that she had remembered him, had Bucky looking and fighting for his true love while you fought for yours. Everything was a losing game and you watched yourself slowly losing the fight and the only person you called your love.
The sand was slowly trickling away between the spaces of your fingers, and you tried so hard to stop every grain, every part of him, fake or not from leaving your hold, leaving your life but he was going away, falling down where he was meant to be, the desert of her heart.
They met every day, and every time he came back you waited for him, using another trick up your sleeve to woo him back, nothing helped.
All he ever wanted and still wants was her.
A kind of happiness that you didn't even know was not there in him until it showed bit by bit as every day passed on with Bucky succeeding in finding his way back to her, writing his own fairytale, had you losing your will to fight.
You knew that the only reason he was still with you was that he hadn't prepared how to let you go, not that he ever had you or wanted to have you, and whatever way he let you go, you would end up crashing on the rocks, landing painfully.
The days that showed up, pouring light on Bucky’s empty presence and realization that he never loved you, and the nights dawned on you and took away the light to show you that he is never there and has never been there to hold you in the loneliness of the dark. You had finally given up.
No more denial, not on your side and you wouldn't allow any form Bucky’s side anymore.
“ You don't have to prepare a whole speech, just tell me we’re over and I’ll be out of your life.” Even though you never had a place in it.
Bucky looked shocked, hearing those words as soon as he had just gotten back from playing her the songs he had written for her, in her house. And the worst part was beneath all the shock, you could see his relief.
“ (Y/N)...What are you talking about?”
“ You know what I’m talking about.”
Bucky didn't utter a word, he only sighed deeply before shrugging and a few moments passed along with a few tears that rolled down your cheeks.
“ You don't have to worry about hurting me, you should be used to pulling the rug from beneath me by now. Just stop denying shit, and let me go.”
You wanted the whole scene to play out like a movie with Bucky realizing that it was you who he loved truly when the panic of not having you in his life set in. All you wanted was a fantasy to just look in the direction of your life and decide to give a helping hand and Bucky would feel the love for you, rise in him, taking over the love that you wished was not true, for her.
But what unraveled in front of you was far different than what you wanted.
“ She’s the one for me, (Y/N). I can't even begins to describe the way she makes me feel. She’s just everything I need, nothing can replace her, I can't love anyone the way I love her.”
Bucky stared right at you as he said, “ I tried to find a home in you and I know you gave me all your heart to build one but I don't want any of it, unless you’re her.”
He just kept abusing the freedom you had given him with your heart, ruining and tainting it with his poisonous words.
“ Then leave. I’m not going to stop you.”
You wanted his heart to stop him.
Bucky smiled so wide as if you let him go of your clutch of torture and there was no hesitation shown at all, not a single evidence of regret either.
“ I hope you find love one day, (Y/N).” And Bucky bolted to the room that he shared with you packing his things with so much fervor thinking about getting back to his girl as soon as possible and you sat in the living room, face buried in your hands, horrified by his swiftness to leave you, to leave the love that you had gifted to him, leave the home that you shared with him.
Bucky was gone in just mere seconds not even bothering to look back at the girl he had used to numb his hurt, not a single word of apology spoken or taking the blame for his actions as he left.
Now the day would bleed into nightfall and the feeling of not having Bucky with you to pull you through the stillness would welcome you. At least his complete absence was better than his empty presence, not being there for you.
Just as you were getting used to being someone he loved and letting your guard down just for him, he had to pull the rug.
The bliss of the air protecting and comforting you as you fell, left, and came in the pain of landing on the rocks. The water of Bucky’s love was never there to catch you.
A/N (2): I don't even know how I’m alive after writing this.
Tagging a few angels: @maladaptivexxdaydreaming @scxrletrecsmarvel @sebs-oceaneyes @sebsbrokentoe @sebystann @sebstanseabass @world-of-aus @commonintrest @silentkiller2374 @bucksleftnut @jamesbarnesjr @jobean12-blog @s-tarksintern @samthemarvelfan @srquinnhexa @lil-stark @blanketbarnes @chaashni @aynanasstuff @babyboibucky @christowhore @justreadingfics @starryevermore @niffala @holylulusworld @chrisfucksblog @broken-kitty1995 @ambrosiase @bvcksbunny @angstysebfan @cool--chicken @coralduckdreamer
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clairenatural · 12 months ago
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i had a dream that sam and dean took cas to an art museum and showed him all these paintings of angels and it was like that scene in vincent and the doctor and cas said these paintings are beautiful because they depict the angels as human when a true angel could never be described as anything but monstrous and i woke up crying
anon i love this SO much. i love it so much i had to write it. this is 1.4k, destiel, human!cas
They’re making their way out of the city, monster killed and day saved, when Castiel sees a poster, pasted up on the side of the plywood wall of a construction site. It’s an angel—he doesn’t recognize the artist, but he’d guess late 19th century. Be Not Afraid: a History of Angels in Art, it proclaims, the logo of the city’s largest art gallery tucked into the corner.
Castiel stares at it. The angel on the poster stares back, wings spread and staff raised. Valiant. Something in his heart twitches, but it’s hard to place. He still has his blade, tucked safely into the trunk with the rest of their frequently used weapons, and he never had wings like that; even the shadows, the ones they showed to humans, were simply the closest representation to the real thing possible in this dimension (his back aches anyway, dimly, his human body reacting to the loss as if they were real severed appendages. He ignores it).
Dean notices, because of course he does. He stops, because of course he does, and flags Sam down before his long legs can carry him too far ahead. “Hey. You good?”
Castiel isn’t sure how long he’s been staring at the poster, but it’s long enough that Dean is obviously concerned. “Hm? Oh. Yes, I’m—I’m fine.”
Dean nods but doesn’t move. He considers the poster. “Art gallery, huh?” he asks, avoiding the obvious elephant. Castiel appreciates it. He nods back.
“I’ve never been to one,” he offers, as explanation. It seems odd—he can remember the painting of the Sistine Chapel, he remembers watching with fascination as humans began collecting the smaller paintings into collections and museums, but he’d never been inside one. It hadn’t seemed necessary. Humans collect art in large boxes to remember their history, but Castiel has seen it all.
Dean seems surprised by this. “Seriously?” Castiel nods, and there’s a pause, and he’s about to turn and keep heading towards the car, and Kansas, and home, when Dean claps him on the shoulder and turns to call over his own.
“Sammy! How do you feel about seeing some art?”
“You want to go to an art gallery?” Sam sounds incredulous, and is closer behind him than Cas expected. He hadn’t noticed him retreat the half-block he’d managed to gain on them.
“Yeah, why not? Come on. What happened to ‘a little culture wouldn’t hurt, Dean?’”
"What happened to ‘I’ve got plenty of culture, eat your damn burger?’”
“It’ll be fun, Sam,” Dean counters. Something in his tone has changed. Cas doesn’t think too hard about it.
There’s a long pause, and Cas knows there’s some sort of communication happening he can’t hear or see. “…Okay,” Sam concedes. “Okay, sure. Yeah. Let’s go.”
So they do.
Dean makes a comment about “haven’t been in one of these since I was a kid,” before they all fall into the hushed silence of the museum floor. It’s nice—nicer than Castiel had expected. Not in aesthetics; the building is sleek, and modern, and the art is obviously beautiful. But it’s nice to be there. It feels almost Holy—humans, funny creatures they are, with their habit of treating their own culture with the respect of something divine. Creating houses of worship out of museums and libraries and living rooms. 
He wanders through the various exhibits but doesn’t really pay attention until he ends up in the exhibit from the poster. He’d managed to lose the Winchesters halfway through the photography exhibit, when both the brothers had gotten distracted. Castiel had continued onward anyway, on a mission, and by the time he finds himself walking into the angel exhibit he’s on his own.
He comes to a stop in front of one of the largest paintings in the room. It’s not the same angel as the poster. It’s several, actually, looking over what appears to be Mary and a baby Jesus. The angels are beautiful—smooth, flawless skin. They have long hair that looks soft, even in paint. They’re wearing white robes, and their wings are white and dove-like. None of these angels have several heads, rotating bands of fire, or thousands of eyes. They’re beautiful, but they aren’t angels. The human who painted this didn’t know that, of course—none of them did. Humanity was faced with the concept of divinity and conceptualized it as a version of itself.
“The real things ain’t as cuddly, huh?”
Dean’s voice startles him, which he hates, both because he hates being startled and because he’s still adjusting to Dean being able to sneak up on him.
“I was just thinking,” he starts, pretending he’d known Dean was there the whole time, “you paint us like we’re human.” Not ‘us’ anymore, he reminds himself, but he brushes that thought off. Not now.
Beside him, Dean snorts. “Yeah, well. If you’d told any of those Renaissance guys that the real angels are dickhead balls of celestial intent, they’d’ve arrested you for heresy.”
Castiel shakes his head. “No.” he pauses. “Well, yes. But that’s—” he turns to face Dean for the first time. He notices Sam over Dean’s shoulder, focusing intently on a painting a few feet away and obviously pretending not to listen.
“My father—God—Chuck,” he cycles through, which will never not be weird, “created us first, but not in his image. We weren’t worthy of that. Only you were. Humans, his perfect creation, modeled after their creator. But then—” he turns back to the painting and gestures to it. “You created us in your image. You thought about divinity and you couldn’t conceive anything more Holy than yourselves.”
Dean shifts. He tries for a laugh, but it comes out short. “Well, damn, Cas. Way to make a guy feel self-centered.”
Castiel turns back to him. He blinks. He frowns. That’s not what he means. “Most of my siblings thought so,” he agrees. “But I always thought it was an honor. Look,” He turns again and reaches out for the painting, only remembering a few inches from its surface to not touch it.  “This one has a lyre. You always paint us playing music. But music, art….these are human things, Dean.” He lets his hand fall, but keeps his eyes forward.  “We’re soldiers. They don’t teach us to play the harp in Heaven, they train us to fight. But these angels are…soft. Kind. Angels you trust to protect. The kind of angels people pray to, build churches to.” He looks back at Dean, who is staring at him with a frown. He holds his gaze, steady, and takes a deep breath before finishing. “I wish I was—that any of us were—worthy of being depicted this way. I wish we were the angels you paint us as.”
There’s a long pause while Dean searches his face, obviously trying to decide on the right reaction. If they were at home, Cas thinks Dean might reach out and hug him. Instead, Dean reaches out to clap a hand on his shoulder—he lets it linger there, and Cas knows what it means, so that’s okay, too. “For what it’s worth,” he starts, and his voice is softer than the last time he spoke. “You’re the closest thing to those angels that I’ve ever seen.”
It’s a nice sentiment, but Cas smiles sadly as he turns back to the painting. “I’m not any kind of angel anymore,” he points out, and tries his hardest to keep his voice neutral.
Dean squeezes his shoulder and tilts his head, trying to recapture Castiel’s gaze. “Hey. Look at me.” Reluctantly, he looks back over. “Your wings weren’t what made you a good angel, alright?” he brings his other hand up to poke into Castiel’s chest. “That was all in here.”
He sounds like he’s quoting the Wizard of Oz, and Cas wants to make a joke about that, but he’s also never wanted to kiss Dean more. He doesn’t, because they’re in a museum, and they’re still working up to that, but he makes a note to do it later. Instead, he reaches up and pulls Dean’s hand away from his chest, links it in his own, and squeezes.
“Thank you,” he says, and it’s earnest, and it’s for everything.
Dean smiles. He understands. He squeezes back.
3K notes · View notes
cielinde · 17 days ago
Text
holocene
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yandere! akaza x slightly manipulative! fem reader plot w/ porn ♡ FIRST PART (ANTHROPOCENE)
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synopsis: you didn't leave him when you had the chance to. what do you do with your unwanted feelings and his unyielding love for you? word count: 8.7k tags/warnings: smut, creampie, unhealthy relationships, dubious morality, unhealthy views on trauma, survivor's guilt, horrible mental health, suppressing of emotions, cannibalism, blood + gore, yandere being its own warning, yandere x unhealthy tsundere oh god notes: ngl it's fun to give yanderes a smart+tsundere darling,, every relationship needs drama yk ;) (MINORS DNI, MORE UNDER CUT!)
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you don’t love him.
so then why did you run back to him?
freedom was just a stone’s throw away. it was right in your grasp. you could have done everything you had always wanted the second the gods turned their back on you. you had worked so hard, spent years adhering to all of his wants and needs, and had even self-destructed your own physical body from the lack of sunlight and exercise that you had sacrificed all so that he would give you his complete, devoted trust.
you could have had it all. you’re young and beautiful, who’s to say that no nobleman from china would take you in as his wife once you reached the country? it shares no terrestrial borders with japan, so try as he might, akaza would never be able to have reached you if you had boarded the ship.
the goddamn ship.
he isn’t stupid. of course he’s more brawn than brains, but he knew you were trying to run away. and even if it’s subtle, he’s taken more precautions into not letting you out of his sight. he’s stopped training as much after that fateful night, and has instead taken to spending more time with you, showing you countless lush fields of flora and even making more love to you in the serene quiet of the night, and of course, he never lets you near the ocean again.
now that he’s defeated the previous upper moon two and taken the position for himself, you feel no more fear. he’s avenged your family as you had planned from the very start, and yet it was your weakness that stopped you from fleeing.
the very weakness known as emotions.
you despise the ability to feel. if animals have a less complex range and capability to feel such abstract things, then why are humans made capable of such things? to you, it only cripples you. you’re strong in intelligence and you’re able to read people so well, so much in fact, that you can play others at your disposal to your liking, and it’s as easy as controlling puppets on a string.
but you do feel. your emotions are strong, and the pain that encompasses you from the death of your family only helps in weakening you. that morning on the beach, you had thought that perhaps, the unfilled void within you was the need for a family, for someone your heart could truly belong to. and it was, and is, akaza. in a split second, your heart decided for you. not your brain, but your heart.
and now that a month has gone by ever since your missed opportunity, you hate it.
you hate being so emotionally weak. just as akaza looks down on those physically debilitated, you think of dull-witted people to be lower than you.
but as you rest your head on a bed of flowers, his hands around you, you don’t harbour any hate towards him.
“i’m surprised you don’t just break my legs,” you smile wryly.
he looks down at you, your body cradled against his and your head resting on his chest. “there are other ways to give you a hard time walking,” he chuckles, and you snort.
“you know what i mean,” you say.
he pauses. “i had a feeling you’d try to run.”
you finally look up at him, glass-like eyes piercing yours. the new sight of the words ‘upper two’ engraved on the sunlight-yellow of his eyes will be something you’ll never get used to. you hate those words. you hate the previous upper two who ripped you out of the comfort of living a normal life. but you don’t hate akaza. in all honesty, you find his eyes just as beautiful as they were back when he was upper three. it doesn’t change a thing.
“why didn’t you stop me?” the question is more of a whisper, almost inaudible, but he hears it.
he caresses your cheek oh so gently, so lovingly, and you let yourself lean into his touch. “i don’t know,” he says, a smile curling on his lips. “i guess i had faith in you. that you’d stay. you’re nothing without me, aren’t you? you need–”
“i do need you,” you cut him off, your fingers holding onto his haori tighter. you widen your eyes in surprise at your own reaction, and you let go of the pink fabric as you tear your eyes away from his. why are you still acting the same way you used to? you don’t have to make yourself act towards him like a lovesick wife. you can be your true self, and you know he’ll always love you no matter what. is it because you’ve been acting all loving with him for years to the point it’s become moulded as a natural habit for you?
“you’re so cute, y/n,” he chuckles, and he kisses you softly on your forehead. you don’t say anything, but bury your face in the warmth of his chest. he’s nice to hug. you like that.
akaza trails his fingers through your hair, his touch soft and gentle. you close your eyes, only focusing on the fresh smell of flowers that fill your nose, and the slow, steady heartbeat that beats against his chest, and onto your ear.
“why didn’t you leave?”
his question hangs heavy in the air, and you open your eyes slowly, looking up at the night sky instead of him.
“i don’t know either,” you say slowly. “maybe…one day i’ll know,” you feel him embrace you tighter, and you try your best to detach yourself, to remove your feelings from thoughts and set them both aside in two different boxes as you always tried to. nothing good ever happens when both heart and mind are muddled with each other.
“i love you, y/n,” he says. he always waits for you to say it back. for four years, he still hasn’t let your coldness deter him. it makes you feel horrible, for some reason. you know you don’t owe him your love, but the human side of you knows that he’s lived centuries without anything resembling the love that you had when your life was normal. and even now, you still have his love.
“i like you,” you say.
gods, you sound stupid. you sound like a stupid little girl trying to make her love known to the boy she likes whilst being subtle. you sound pathetic. weak, even.
akaza chuckles softly, and when he tilts your chin to face him, he kisses you. you hesitantly kiss him back, his lips soft against yours and his hands holding you tightly, as if he’ll never let you go.
you pull back for air and before the kiss leads to anything more, and he smiles at you. “at least i’m getting somewhere, don’t you think?” he teases.
“don’t flatter yourself,” you mumble.
“oh? but you like me, don’t you?”
“i can take those words back if i so desire.”
“but you won’t, y/n. you’re really so cute. sometimes i even think you make me weak for you,” he kisses a pulse point in your neck, and your breath hitches, fingers grasping onto his arm.
“but that’s okay, y/n,” he takes your wrist now, and presses another kiss to its underside, right beneath the palm of your hand and right where your pulse resonates.
“because i know…” his words trail off, and he tugs at the opening half of your kimono. you weakly struggle against him, until he kisses the left side of your chest, right above your breast. and he smiles, “i already have your heart.”
you hate him. and you push him off, and storm off into the woods full of disdain, the sound of his laughter loud and clear in the quiet night. you’re swimming in rage, and you hate that he picks apart at your fragile heart and tells you what lies under the rubble of your poisonous thoughts.
you’d rather poison yourself with grandeurs of a powerful life than admit to your feelings.
no, you really don’t love him.
♡♡♡
you have no goal.
there is simply no meaning in living anymore.
you had thought that after attaining revenge, you would feel at peace. that you’d find solace and true meaning in life.
you still haven’t found it, and you doubt you ever will.
but there really is no more reason for you to live, is there? are you a nihilist, or perhaps just confused?
being vulnerable with akaza is something you hate, but with him being the only person…or being in your life, you really have no choice.
“your reason to live?” he looks up from his food to you, chin a bloodied mess and his hands an even bloodier one. he’s devouring someone right in front of you, stomach cut open and insides on display, the gruesome rolls of their intestines stringing around the dirt as you ignore the horrifying scene before you. you’ve become used to laying your eyes on all the blood and innards of people that you’re at a point of desensitisation.
“well, y/n, i’m really no wise man or scholar, but i can tell you that without you, my life wouldn’t be complete,” akaza chuckles, and takes another sickening bite into the man’s liver. you scrunch your nose in instinctual repulse, but other than that, you don’t feel an ounce of sympathy. no, you feel nothing for all the people you’ve indirectly killed. the irony lies wherein you feel sympathy for a demon who’s murdered hundreds of thousands.
“i don’t live just for you, you know,” you say pointedly. you’ve started to drop your ‘good girl’ act, and if akaza has noticed, he says nothing about it. you think maybe he doesn’t point it out so that you don’t scrutinise your own behaviour and shelter your true self away from him even more. you give him credit for that.
“i know, y/n,” he laughs. “but what do you really think is the true point in life? for me, it’s to be strong. there’s no other reason. humans never reach the true point of life because they are weak and feeble. they cannot achieve great heights in their subservient form,” he looks at you, expression softening. “but you aren’t weak in the same way all humans are. you’re special, y/n.”
you scoff, “that doesn’t make me feel better. all i got from what you said is that i’ll never reach your view on life’s purposes.”
“i didn’t mean it that way,” he sighs. “look, you know i’m not the best in putting my thoughts into words. if i feel something, i act on it. and i do it with you,” he tears off an arm, and his fangs tear through its flesh, teeth gobbling down on the detached limb.
“i know,” you say, fingers absentmindedly fumbling on the hem of the corpse’s haori. what a nice pattern it was, before it was drenched in its owner’s blood. truly a shame. “i don’t…know why i’m here,” you say softly, and akaza pauses, setting the arm down.
“y/n, look at me,” he says. and you do. “you’re here because you’re strong. you’ve survived a lot, and even if you’re still human now, you do have a purpose in life,” he reaches across and holds your hand tightly, the slick, warm blood on his hand tainting onto yours. “you live for your own purpose. the gods don’t give you a reason to live, what happens matters on what you choose to do with your life and how you choose to live. and i know that with me, you’ll live the best life you can ever live,” he gives you a smile, an encouraging one, and you hold his hand, too.
“i live for myself,” you whisper.
“then live for yourself!” he laughs, “but make the right choices, too. you don’t have to let this be a fleeting moment. make it last forever, y/n,” he holds your hand even tighter now, eyes filled with more intensity and seriousness. “stay with me, and you can live out your purpose for eternity.”
he wants you to become a demon. you know that. it’s been his goal for as long as you can remember, other than getting you to fall in love with him.
what exactly is stopping you from jumping at the chance of attaining immortality and otherworldly strength?
at first, it was your drive to run away. as long as you were human, you could walk under the sun and run away from him after his purpose was fulfilled, and you could dispose of him. but now, you don’t have anything. you’re brittle to the bones without sufficient minerals that your body desperately needs, and despite being well-fed and well-kept, your physical body is deteriorating, and although you know akaza will force the demonic transformation unto you when the time comes that you can no longer keep living, you still don’t know why you just don’t accept it.
maybe it’s because you think you’re giving yourself fully to him once you become a demon.
he wants to live with you for eternity, experience the quaternary for centuries to come, all while having you by his side, and you know it.
but you cannot answer him, and instead your hands tremble in his, your eyes downcast onto the ground, your mind at a loss for what to say. you think and feel too much, but you never really talk about the galaxy trapped within you, the scorching hail of a broken soul that you absolutely refuse to show or let slip.
“y/n,” he says softly, “you don’t want this precious life to go to waste, don’t you?”
“precious?” you chuckle bitterly, tears forming in your eyes. he’s no stranger to seeing you cry, you’ve done it many times, fake or not. but now, you really do tremble, your heart aching. you’re many things. a survivor. a murderer. a machiavellianist. a mistake. but most of all…
“i’m broken, akaza,” you cry. “i’m lost, and i should have died with my family. i’ve realised that…that they would hate me now. i’m all the things no parent would want their child to become. is there any point for me to live?” you weep softly as he moves closer to you, his fingers wiping your tears away as he looks at you with concern in his eyes.
“y/n, no,” he says. “you’ve done nothing wrong. you are without sin, and even if you may hate yourself, they love you. i love you. i know that they would rather you live happily with your many misdeeds awaiting you in death than for you to have died alongside them,” he wraps his arms around you, letting you cry on his shoulder, and you do. it does feel good to cry. you have nothing to do and nobody other than him to turn to, no wonder your emotions are as brutal as a tidal wave.
“i hate myself,” you say.
“and i love every part of you that you hate,” he whispers, kissing you softly. you let his touches distract you. another reason why your family would be turning in their graves by now; you’re a demon’s whore, after all.
you break the kiss, tears and blood staining your face and hair as a result of him touching you, but you don’t feel filthy in any way.
“i don’t love you,” you whisper, breath uneven and mind in a frenzy. you aren’t thinking straight. you’re letting your heart do the talking, and the rational side of you screams for you to cease your vulnerability.
“i know,” he says. he isn’t hurt. he isn’t shocked. he’s known this, but he still loves you.
“so why…” your voice wavers, and you break down in his arms once again. akaza holds you, as always, but you don’t want that. you tear away from his grasp, pull him closer to you by his haori, and you kiss him.
the metallic taste of blood is fresh on his tongue as is yours. it’s raw, it’s primal, but it isn’t unpleasant. you shove your tongue in his mouth, and you moan softly against him when his tongue presses hotly against yours, battling yours in a fit for dominance. you scrape the inner linings of his mouth, tasting his saliva greedily as it mixes with the aftertaste of blood and raw flesh.
and you pull away, gasping, with tears still staining your face. you hate yourself. but he loves you. you want to know why, but you don’t want to hear it tonight.
“kiss me,” you say. “give me a taste of your life.”
akaza’s lips curl into a smirk, a glint of mischief in his eyes. he reaches over to pluck out the man’s eye from his unmoving corpse, pulling it out of its mess of nerves with a pop, the eyeball already visibly losing shape from its state of rigor mortis.
“want a taste, y/n?” he chuckles, and maybe he half-expects you to back down, but you don’t. you straddle his hips, your body pressed against him as your clothes crotch rubs against his. perhaps it should be sexual, but it isn’t. you’ll fuck him later. for now, your slipping sanity is taking the reins, and you allow it to.
“i want you,” you whisper, and you feel his bloodstained fingers ruck up your kimono, gripping at your bare ass tightly. you grind against him, and he lets out a satisfied groan.
“taste this with me?” he holds the severed eyeball between you and him, and you eye it. you don’t feel disgusted. you used to turn away whenever he feasted upon his food, but now, it’s become a part of the norm for you.
“i trust you,” you link your arms around him, looking at him with doe eyes.
“and i love you,” he says softly. he puts his tongue out, and smirks as he balances the eyeball on his muscle. you do the same, your tongue balancing half of the eyeball’s weight as you feel his hand dig into the flesh of your thigh, and you whimper slightly when it’s enough to draw blood. he kisses you open-mouthed, and the two of you bite down into the soft muscle of the eye, blood bursting and spewing out of it, dribbling down your chins.
you taste blood. nothing but blood and the mix of severed tissues and nerves from the eye. it’s disgusting, it’s repulsive, and you know that. but akaza tastes like heaven. even with the same mess of gore on the very tip of his tongue, you don’t feel revolted when he deepens the kiss, the meat of the crushed eye pushing at the back of your throat.
he pulls away to let you breathe, and you have to put a hand on the front of your stomach to restrain yourself from choking it all out. without another thought, you quickly swallow the eye, and what’s left in the aftertaste of your tastebuds is nothing but horror and proof of how far you’ve fallen.
you’re still human, but you’re slowly, but surely, losing it all.
“you did good,” he smiles gently, and wipes the blood off of your chin. his bloodied hands do nothing but only worsen the mess on you.
“that tasted horrible,” you say.
“you’ll get used to it,” he chuckles.
“i just think your taste buds are different from mine,” you say. “demons don’t feel repulsed at all by devouring human flesh. it’s just like how we humans consume the meat of animals without feeling any sorrow for them.”
“true,” he hums. “well, how do you feel?”
you swallow thickly, a mixture of thick blood sliding down your throat. you try not to vomit it back out, and instead you kiss the corner of his mouth. “i still hate myself,” you say.
“i’ll still love every part of you,” he pecks you on the lips.
and you don’t understand. you don’t understand at all. you don’t know why he even fell in love with you in the first place. is it love, or obsession? at first you had thought it was nothing but lust, until he didn’t fully take you even after three years together. no, he never even forces anything on you. and despite pestering you to become a demon or actively guilt-tripping you into feeling sorry for his unrequited love, he hasn’t made you do anything you didn’t want. everything you do for him has been out of your own will and drive.
and as you sit on his lap, blood all over you, you don’t know why or how he could love you.
but you don’t want to ask him tonight. it’s not the right time.
“i like every part of you,” you wrap your arms around him in a gentler embrace, and you lay your head on him.
“oh? and what’s your favourite part?” he thrusts his hips against yours and you yelp in surprise.
“definitely not down there,” you huff.
“hm? that’s too bad,” he laughs, and you do too.
♡♡♡
your favourite thing about akaza is…
honestly, you don’t even know.
where should you start?
before, your favourite thing about him was his loyalty to you. he proved himself more than worthy to you, and did everything without question. an obedient lapdog, was what you previously thought of him. nothing more than a demon pet who was subservient to you.
but you don’t use him anymore. there isn’t any need to. you’ve made him kill everyone you wanted dead, and even if you don’t demand it, he will always feed you, clean you, and keep you warm and comfortable.
you feel like the lapdog instead.
but no, you’re not so weak as to let him do anything he wants without questioning it.
“if you want to fuck me, why don’t you do it already?”
akaza looks up at you, face still in between your legs as he touches and prods at your cunt, already embarrassingly wet from all his touches. he’s teasing you, and you know it.
“impatient?” he chuckles against your thigh, and he kisses it. you jerk lightly, and you close your eyes, trying not to think of him.
“just fuck me already,” you click your tongue. you don’t hate what he’s doing, honestly…you just don’t like feeling weak and breakable in front of him. of course he’s pleased you enough times to make you come undone, but you hate how he treats you so lovingly, like a fragile porcelain doll.
he licks a trail from your thigh all the way to your cunt, and you whine softly. “hmm…no,” he smirks, and you gasp when he gently sucks on your clit, tongue circling your sensitive bud with speed as he groans against it, sending vibrations through your most sensitive places.
“i want to make you cum from my tongue,” he eases his tongue into your eager hole, and your fingers entangle themselves in his pink hair, involuntarily bucking your hips against him dizzily as he tongue-fucks you, the wet muscle pumping in and out of your delicate, wet folds as you clench around him, your breath shuddering with every thrust as your body becomes hotter and hotter, the sensitivity of your clit making you moan loudly as he arches his tongue in an upwards motion, tickling the delicate spot of your walls.
“a-akaza, ngh…” you buck your hips against his face, and he moans against the heat of your core. he holds you down even tighter, skilled tongue running up and down your slick heat and emphasising a flick to your clit every time he reaches the top, and you squirm as you hold his hair tighter, unknowingly forcing him more onto you as he continues to eat you out with more ferocity while he drinks in your sweet mewls of pleasure.
“c-close, i’m…” you don’t care anymore, you’re shamelessly grinding on his face as you’re close to reaching your peak, your wetness soaking on his face and sheets below as you pant, thighs trembling, and so, so, close to reaching sweet release.
and then he pulls away.
with a goddamned smirk.
“a-are you going to seriously tease me again?” you glare at him, face flushed and chest huffing.
“no, i just changed my mind,” he gets on top of you, and he smashes his lips against yours in a rough kiss, fangs nibbling on your lower lip as you wrap your legs around him and bring him lower to your body, pressing your bare chest against his while you try your best to grind yourself on his cock.
“you’re getting needier,” akaza muses, and you resist the urge to slap him square in the face.
“then fuck me,” you whimper, digging your nails into his back in frustration. the peak of your orgasm is slowly dissipating, and you need to cum before it does, and prolongs the intimacy you have with him.
“no, not like this,” he flips you over, and you gasp, your nipples rubbing against the cloth beneath.
“f-fuck me,” you hiss.
a low chuckle rumbles from his chest, and he spreads your legs and ass, kneading your bottom as you bury your face in the sheets in embarrassment, feeling your slick pool and stain the sheets.
“you’re practically leaking for my cock, y/n,” he purs, and you hold in a moan when his fingers teasingly trace your lower back before travelling all the way to your shoulders, and you feel him lean in closer to you, his hot breath fanning your skin.
“you want to be fucked, y/n?” he whispers, and you wordlessly nod. you grind your clit against the sheets pathetically, and akaza grabs your hips with his strength, licking the shell of your ear.
“say it,” he says.
“no,” you mumble.
“don’t you want to cum?”
“i’ll just relieve myself later. i don’t need you.”
his knuckles gently brush along your back, as you feel the head of his cock press against your gaping cunt, and you moan, arching your back against his chest as you squirm, trying to spur your arousal.
“is your back sensitive?” he chuckles, and you oh so badly want to sit up and headbutt him. you bet he’d look cute with blood dribbling down his nose.
“please…” you whimper, your mind in a haze and the boiling need in your cunt torturing you to no end. you’ve begged for him before, and even if it humiliates you, you’d gladly do it just to reach your climax.
“please what, y/n?” he positions his cock against your wet entrance, and you groan in sexual frustration as tears prick your eyes, your body still too restrained to move against his cock. if he just rubbed your clit a bit more, you’re sure you’d come undone in an instant.
“please fuck me,” you bite your lip.
“good girl.”
he sinks his length into your cunt, and you stiffen under him, breath hitching as your back fully arches against him, your thighs shaking and body jerking as he lightly grabs your neck from behind, not letting you lean in to muffle your voice, and you let out a wanton moan as his other hand pinches your nipples, his hips railing your cunt as he chuckles, instantly starting with a fast pace as he fucks you, revelling in your unabashed moans.
“fuck, good girl, so pretty, y/n,” he smirks, “cumming just from me putting my dick inside you? that’s new, love,” he slowly releases his grip on your neck, and you shake as he continues to fuck you through your orgasm, thrusting into you with such abandon that all you could do is grasp the sheets, involuntary moans choked out of you as he holds you almost bruisingly, his cock spearing into your deepest, sweetest parts as he plows into your cunt mercilessly.
too much. it’s so much. your knuckles shake as they weakly grasp the sheets, and your face is lazily pressed against the sheets, brushing against the uncomfortable cloth with every hard, relentless thrust.
“oh-oh gods!” you gasp when he lifts your ass up, and flicks your clit with his fingers, teasing your sensitive bud as he gathers your dripping cum from your inner thighs.
you whine as he yanks your hair, pulling you back, and forces his fingers inside your mouth. your protests are muffled, and you can feel his shallow breaths against your skin as his thrusts become harder, the sinful sound of skin slapping against skin filling the small room and further tightening the already budding coil of arousal inside you.
“taste yourself, love,” he shoves his fingers deeper into you, and you gag on them, trying your best not to bite on them as you have no choice but to suck on them, shamefully tasting your own arousal on your tongue.
“tell me, how do you taste, love?” he withdraws his fingers from your mouth, and you distastefully wipe your mouth, spit running down your chin.
“t-that was disgusting,” you say spitefully.
“hm? i rather think you taste delicious,” he brings his fingers to his tongue to taste the mixture of both your essence and saliva that he had collected.
“you’re such a dirty old man,” you hiss.
“aren’t you the debauchee, y/n?” his hands leave your hips and you feel him steady himself on either side of your head once again, and you turn your head to snipe him back with a witty remark, only to have your face shoved roughly against the mattress.
“don’t forget, love, i know every part of your body better than you do,” his chest is pressed flush against your trembling back, and wanton moans slip from your lips as he bites down onto the space on your back just below your neck. you groan weakly, and his chuckle fills your ears as he lands a harsh slap onto your ass, forcing a surprised squeal out of you.
“you’re so cute, y/n,” he groans, “such a tight little whore.”
“s-stop saying those things,” you mutter, head so fucked out and your previous moans falling into slurred, delirious rambles as he locks you in place, stars forming behind your vision as he fucks into you in a much roughened place, far rougher than he’s ever been with you.
“and why should i stop, y/n?” he angles his thrust directly into the very spot he knows that makes you closer to climaxing, and you mewl as he angles his cock right against your womb, fucking you to your very deepest parts.
“n-no! i’m going- ah, i’m-”
“do it, y/n,” he breathlessly smirks, one of his hands descending once again to cruelly rub your clit, and it’s all enough to hurl you off the edge.
your walls quiver around him, and you can faintly hear him curse under his breath when he loses control himself; cumming all over your walls and painting your insides with viscous shots of his seed while your cunt squeezes, sucks, and milks him completely dry of his essence, greedily pulling him in deeper, so deep that the tip of his cock is almost pushing through your cervix.
he slowly rides out both your climaxes, and you clench your teeth when he finally pulls out, your lower half limply flopping onto the bed, tired and spent. you turn away from him and catch your breath, tired and sore.
“you’re weird,” you wrinkle your nose.
he only laughs. “what do you mean?”
“i don’t know,” you mumble. “if you were human, i’d certainly be pregnant by now.”
he moves closer to you, and you can tell he hasn’t wiped the smug smirk off of his face.
“are you perhaps implying you want children, y/n?”
“no,” you scoff. “even if it were possible, i’m wholly unfit to become a mother.”
he slips his fingers between your legs, and before you know it, he’s stuffing his seed back inside you as best he can.
“don’t say that, y/n,” akaza chuckles softly. “i think you’d be wonderful.”
“how cute,” you say sarcastically, “but you’d be a horrible father. you’d probably even make the baby prove itself to be worthy before giving it milk.”
“i’m not that cruel,” he laughs, peppering your neck with butterfly kisses.
“you’re bearable,” you hum.
“aw, don’t be like that, y/n,” he cooes. “i went from being liked to being just bearable? that’s awfully mean of you.”
you sigh, “i do like you.”
“well, i love you, y/n.”
you turn to face him, and you kiss him.
♡♡♡
you aren’t one for religion.
your family had raised you in a shinto household, teaching you the ways of the gods and its scriptures, as well as brought you to temples occasionally along with your sister.
but where were the gods when you were left all alone, with nobody to help you? where were they when a demon, of all things, fell in love with you and intended to take you for his property?
you’re older now, and even if you reserve mixed feelings for such an abstract topic, it doesn’t stop you from staring longingly at the temple that sat decadently in the centre of a village akaza had just obliterated.
where were the gods when their worshippers had just been mercilessly slaughtered by a demon?
“i didn’t know you’re religious,” akaza chuckles as you drag him along to the shrine area of the temple.
“i’m not,” you say, “i just want to pray.”
“oh?” he raises a brow in amusement, “for what exactly?”
“i don’t have to tell you, you’re not a god,” you tease.
“well, if it's something you want, you can just tell me instead of asking imaginary beings,” he hums.
you pause, and turn around to face him.
“they aren’t imaginary,” you say.
“i thought you said you weren’t religious?”
“i’m not,” you turn around and resume walking. “i do believe that they exist, i just don’t worship them.”
“you can tell me, you know,” he holds your hand, and you shake your head.
“you wouldn’t understand.”
“oh, but i do understand, y/n. i understand everything about you,” he leans in with a smirk, and you roll your eyes.
“i just believe in them because to me, it’s a last sliver of hope that my family is well in the afterlife,” you say.
he tilts his head, “don’t you want to see them again? you know you can’t go to heaven if you don’t believe in them either.”
“i already know i’m not going to see them again,” you say stiffly, “i just want them to rest peacefully. for what it’s worth, they deserve to be in an eternal paradise.”
“gods, don’t say that ever again,” akaza groans.
you look at him questioningly, “what? eternal paradise?”
“gross,” he scoffs.
you stop walking, rather feeling a bit annoyed. “what’s wrong with that? i want them to be alright. they didn’t deserve to be taken so early, especially my sister. i’ve even outlived her already, and she could have been married and with children already.”
his eyes widen, realising what his words had just implied. “no, no, no! i didn’t mean it in that way, y/n. the previous upper moon two used to have a cult called ‘eternal paradise’ or something close to that, was all i meant. i didn’t mean to upset you,” places a gentle hand on your shoulder, expression softening.
you click your tongue, “sometimes you speak too fast, your brain is left behind.”
he lets out a genuine laugh, and ruffles your head, “i know, y/n. and i’m sorry. forgive me?” he brings your hand to his lips, and kisses your knuckles oh so gently.
“forgiven,” you shrug, “you kissing my hand does remind me of when the city boys used to court me.” his eyes sharpen by a margin, and you gracefully clasp a hand over your mouth, feigning shock. “oh dear, akaza, i’m so sorry that i spoke without thinking it through! i hope i didn’t make you jealous? don’t worry, the most i’ve ever had with them were nighttime rendezvouses!”
his grip on your hand tightens, and you wince, “o-ow!”
“you’re bluffing,” he says, and you can clearly see the jealousy in those beautiful eyes of his.
you know you probably shouldn’t go further, akaza IS obsessive with you, after all, but what is love without a bit of jealousy in it? so you tilt your head innocently, and put on a face of confusion, “what makes you think that?”
“you said yourself that though you were courted, you never had any intentions of pursuing a relationship with them, much less scheduling a meeting, and at night, out of all times of the day,” he smiles proudly at his memory, and you blink in surprise.
“oh,” you say. well, he’s right. “how did you even remember me saying that? i don’t recall talking about my suitors at all,” you raise a brow.
“why would i forget anything about you?” he loosens his hold on your hand, “you’re precious to me, after all.”
“oh,” you say dumbly. “well, speaking of the previous upper two, um…”
you don’t miss akaza narrowing his eyes at you. whatever it is, even if the fiend has been defeated and wiped off the face of the earth, the lingering hate both you and he reserve towards the foul creature hasn’t died. and you doubt it will.
“no, no,” you say softly this time, so used to comforting him whenever touching the sore spot. “y-you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but…how did you defeat him?”
he relaxes, and you almost let out a sigh of relief. his emotional wellbeing has been your priority for so long, it’s another habit you’ve yet to shake off.
“well, i nearly died,” he shrugs.
“w-what?” you nearly scream, “how can you say that so calmly?”
“well, it was admittedly the best and worst fight of my life!” he laughs, and you exhale heavily, gawking at him.
“don’t scare me like that again,” you mumble.
“scare?” he blinks, “well, i did know i was going to win from the start, but…his blood demon technique is both brutal and lower than turtle urine.”
you let out a soft chuckle from his jab, “but were you okay?”
“could have been better,” he hummed, “his ice did freeze my heart and cells, and for some time it was hard to regenerate, but i was able to quickly adapt to it and knock the shit out of that abomination.”
it brings a small smile to your face.
“his bladed fans were a piece of shit, though. not that it deterred my regeneration or anything of the sort, but it’s just not ideal to be continually cut, you know? it did hurt,” he scrunches his nose in disgust, “but i managed to land my best blows on the fucker, and you bet i pounded his face right in!” akaza’s smiling proudly now, and you suppose he deserves a reward. for being a good pet, of course.
you pull him closer to you, and you kiss him. the taste of blood is still on his lips, but you don’t mind. “i adore you,” you say.
“and i love you,” he smiles. “i couldn’t have killed him without you, you know?”
you stare. “what do you mean?”
and he shrugs, “well, i’ve hated his guts for as long as i can remember. ever since he surpassed me in ranks he’s done nothing but taunt and torment me, and although i always loved spilling his brains onto the floor, it wasn’t enough for me to actually challenge him to a blood battle and defeat him in it. but you…” he kisses you this time, “i would do anything for you. i love you.”
you don’t like it.
you hate it.
you want to tell him to stop being so coddling and loving. before you NEEDED it, you needed him to be clingy, doting, and even pacifying with you. but now, all you feel is confused and angry. angry at both him and yourself. angry at him because he’s meddling with your feelings and the very core of your humanity, and angry at yourself because you let him sway your emotions and prove that you truly aren’t as emotionally indestructible as you believed yourself to be.
but you don’t say any of those.
“let’s go,” you simply say, and you take his hand in yours as you lead him all the way to the temple’s shrine.
it looks to be well maintained. well, for now at least. because akaza has killed off almost all the men for food and left the women to flee in trepidation, you have no doubt that the village will soon be abandoned.
but for now, it’s beautiful. not as beautiful as the shrine you and your family visited when you were younger, but it’s still a sight to behold.
and as you step into the place to pray, akaza still stands by you.
“c-can you…you know,” you mumble, nudging him lightly.
he only blinks, “what?”
“move…a bit further,” you say, “it’s basic praying etiquette. we shouldn’t stand too close to each other.”
“oh,” he nods, “i don’t remember anything about religion, honestly. i think i was a buddhist though, not shintoist,” he shrugs, “but i don’t think i was even anything close to a devout believer.”
“not surprised,” you giggle, and you’re thankful when he respects your request and walks down the steps that lead to the temple, far enough away from earshot. you turn around and face the shrine, the building suddenly seeming intimidating.
just like the time you almost fled from japan, from akaza, you feel scared when you’re alone. he’s moulded you to be completely dependent on him, and as much as you hate it, your intelligence will only get you so far before you collapse.
usually prayers would have to start with an offering, which used to be throwing money into the box, but you don’t have such trivial things with you anymore, so you can only hope that the gods understand your situation and still listen to what you have to say.
you bow deeply twice, and then close your eyes as you clasp your hands together. the gods don’t require you to actually speak, but you just wanted to brush akaza away for a while; it’d be slightly unnerving to pray about him whilst having him stare right at you. a white lie won’t hurt after the many false things you’ve already said.
bless me gods, for i have sinned.
it’s been a lifetime since i’ve last confessed,
and for that, i am sorry.
i can only pray that my family is well in heaven.
they deserve nothing short of your blessings.
i, on the other hand, have done nothing but disgraced both you and my ancestors.
and once again, i offer my apologies.
but that changes nothing, and i know.
human lives are limited, just as my companion says.
our lives are equivalent to a straight line. it has to end at one point.
i was born human, just as all demons are.
and i always believed my destiny to die a peaceful death surrounded by wealth and children.
but i know i cannot return to my old life anymore.
and i do not intend to.
i have duly sinned, and have tainted the family name.
and you owe me nothing. i am a lowlife undeserving of your glory.
but if you will hear one last prayer from me, from the child who used to believe in you,
then touch my heart, and let me know if what i have with him is love.
i cannot beg for you to fulfil my prayer, as he, too, is also a sinner of the most base kind.
but i know you read the human heart and soul and created me for a reason,
and i only pray that you may guide me.
you clap your hands twice, loudly. you know doing it quietly is the custom, but you feel the need to ‘scream’ your prayers into the skies, should the gods hear it.
you bow deeply one more time, and you leave the shrine.
♡♡♡
“y/n, it’s cold outside, do you want me to hold you tight?”
“sure,” you say.
…it’s summer.
but you let him hold you tightly, and you’re thankful that it’s night. not that he could ever go out during the day, but you remember that summer mornings are always the most scorching, and you wouldn’t last a second at all if you were to be held tightly to him with the sun shooting its rays at you.
it’s summer, and it’s been half a year since you almost left this life.
you don’t have any more sense of time. it’s more like a glass wall at this point. you know it’s there, and what it is, but you find it so easy to break into a million shards, making it lose its meaning and what it’s really for. to you, the present moment is a fragile illusion.
soon it will be five years since you’ve been with akaza, and you wonder if the remainder of your life will be like this.
it’s not necessarily suffocating, but you know you’re slowly dying.
you don’t know if he knows it too, but if he does, he’s most likely keeping quiet about it before he’ll make known his true intentions.
you’re weak. far weaker than you were before. you sleep more, walk less, and even have more fatigue despite barely doing anything. you know that no sunlight intake can spark cancer, and you can only hope that you’re not affected with it.
the concept of sunlight feels foreign to you now, and you’ve become aware that your senses have heightened.
but you know that if you go against your genetics, you’re bound to die faster.
and you’re dying, but you’ve never felt more alive.
“akaza…” you whisper. your eyes widen at the wonder, and when you plant your feet onto the ground after having been carried by him, you can barely stand. the atmosphere is much colder than how it is on ground level, but the view is breathtaking.
you never thought you’d be standing on the very top of the country’s most famed mountain; mount fuji. specks of snow was still on the mount, but akaza had rerouted and settled to take you to the part that wasn’t as cold.
ah, so that was what he meant by it being ‘cold outside.’
nevertheless, it’s too beautiful to behold. after countless moons of seeing nothing but lush forests, never-ending flower fields, and villages, you’re finally granted with something novel and new. it’s just as you always imagined it to be: breathtaking, and only made better by the company you’re with.
you tear your eyes from the view that overlooks the verdant foliage of flora and nature’s gifts, and look at akaza.
“it’s so beautiful,” you say.
“not as beautiful as–”
“me, i know,” you hum teasingly.
“true,” he smiles, and wraps his arms around you from behind.
he may know you, but you know him, too. and it’s about time that the elephant in the room, or rather mountain, be addressed.
“what did you want to talk about?” you turn to him and smile innocently. inside, you’re anything but. you’re wary, and you’re quickly thinking of things to say, to always stay on top and prevail in any mind games.
he hums, pulling you closer to his chest. “i know this is months late, but…”
your eyes widen, and your hand trembles as you try to quickly choose from the thousands of options that run through your mind regarding what he’s about to say.
you hate that he’s unpredictable. you feel most at ease when you can read him well.
“you wanted to ask why i love you, didn’t you?”
your smile is no more. you just stare at him, expressionless. your mouth is drawn in a line, and you barely breathe as you stare into his eyes, maintaining almost unnerving eye contact. you don’t care about upholding an act anymore.
but you have to act and think fast, and that’s what you do.
“you’re mistaken,” you turn around again, your back facing him.
akaza only lets out a soft laugh, and he leans in to kiss your neck, “am i really?”
your eye twitches in discomfort, and you stiffly swallow, your body in defence mode as you cross your arms over your stomach.
“you’re scared,” he says, and you scowl.
“stop it,” you whisper.
“no. hate me if you want, but you can’t hide from your feelings forever. and if you won’t confront it, then i’ll make you,” his hold around you becomes vice-like, and you know there’s no hope of escaping. you’re trapped. cornered like an injured rabbit.
but you refuse to be emotional.
“alright, then,” you say, “why do you love me?”
he doesn’t say anything at first. the clouds shift and move through the mountain, and you say nothing either, just watch the barely visible stream of water on land flow gracefully, and bask in the beauty of the night. a moment goes by, and maybe several more, but it’s a comfortable silence, and neither of you need to speak.
but when he does, it catches you off guard.
“i just love you for being you.”
it’s not a grand declaration of love.
it’s not a beautifully written poet with carefully selected words sure to capture the heart of a damsel.
it’s just him.
just akaza being himself.
six months ago you loved him in a companion-like sense, in a way that someone would love their dearest friend or sibling who always carefully guarded and protected them.
“but why?” you ask softly, “i-i don’t understand. i hate myself, i was never even the most beautiful girl in my city, i…i’ve lived for nothing but revenge, and…i almost left you,” you feel tears prick your eyes, but you keep them at bay. you just want love. what you realised that day on the beach was true. you didn’t need to run away or start anew, all you needed was love, no matter what form it took.
“i still love you,” he whispers, taking your chin and turning you to face him. you feel vulnerable. exposed. and normally you hate it, but in this present moment, you don’t.
“love doesn’t need an explanation,” he says. “it’s always the most beautiful things in the world that don’t need words for it to be conveyed. but i know you’re someone who feels the need to know everything, and you’re never at rest until you feel in control. so i’ll say it, y/n. love doesn’t look with the eyes, but with the mind. and i know you don’t doubt my love for you, but i want you to know that i love you with a love that will never die, even until the sun grows cold and the stars grow old.”
you can’t speak.
the tears that threaten to spill blur your vision, and when you blink, looking down, you feel yourself tremble.
there is no way in both heaven and hell that the love he has for you is healthy.
but he loves you with such an intense, fervent kind of love that makes the gods jealous of you, for being a creation built and able to feel love.
there was never any point in you knowing why he loves you. and even if you weren’t smart, you’d know just from his actions and words.
love doesn’t confine to a box, it’s a multitude of different stars that dance across the planes of the galaxy.
you’ve loved, you’ve lost, and maybe you’ve learned to love again.
“akaza,” you say, “i think i love you.”
the words don’t feel alien to you.
you’re still broken and he’s still a power-obsessed being, but it’s okay.
because in the end, the two of you have found love.
and it doesn’t have to be the right kind of love.
it’s love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight.
* ‧ ⨯ . ⁺ ✦ * 𓂂 ꙳
taglist: @nichespiderweb @tohru-idek additional notes: sorry there wasn't as much smut, i wanted to focus on the 'plot' more! and emotionally torture you, the dear reader
328 notes · View notes
sunalma · 9 months ago
Note
can i req suna,, akaashi and iwa (and anyone else u want!!) getting jelly abt the s/o hanging out with another guy and being touchy (like the playful smacking or smth) without knowing the guy was their brother? angst to fluff bc i want the ✨ pain ✨ if u dont wanna its fine too,,
thanks bby,, love ur works so much! stay safe and healthy 😫💗
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✗ HQ BOYS GETTING JEALOUS OF A GUY WITHOUT KNOWING HE’S YOUR BROTHER ✗
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me receiving a request : 🥰 the request including suna :🤩 tysmm bby stay safe and healthy tooo <3
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-> suna, iwaizumi, akaashi
-> angst to fluff
-> reblogs help a lot <33
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— SUNA
• he hadn’t asked many questions when you told him you couldn’t come over to his house in the afternoon. but now, as he was replaying your snapchat story for the sixth time, he really wished he did
• maybe if he had insisted on coming with you, you wouldn’t have let this guy - that he had never seen, for the record - act so touchy with you
• was it his fault for not making you feel special enough ? to the point that you preferred the company of other men rather than your own boyfriend’s ?
• just the thought of this was enough to make a few of his usually well-hidden insecurities bubble up - most of them due to what his friends always joked about « suna doesn’t care enough to be in a relationship, they’ll all run away after a week ! »
• so yes, suna was hurt, but you didn’t have to see that. your opinion on him was the only one he cared about, he didn’t want to tarnish it. well... your opinion and his little sister’s, who burst into his room as he was about to watch your story for the seventh time to tell him that « someone’s at the door ! »
• not feeling like getting out of bed, it took him a few minutes to drag his feet to the door before finally opening it. and of all the people he could have expected to see, you were the last of them
• « surprise ? » you smiled as you let yourself in, not noticing the surprised look on his face as you greeted him with a tight hug. « i felt bad for cancelling our afternoon together, so i asked my brother to drop me off »
• you weren’t even done talking that suna had already recognized the man in the car that was leaving his driveway. his embrace immediately softened, and a smile crept on his face as he felt all his doubts vanish in a second
• « nuh-uh, don’t take your jacket off beautiful, i’m taking you out », he told you, determined to spoil you in the way he regretted not doing sooner
• at his words, his sister almost magically appeared next to you, coat in hand and ready to go. « you weren’t planning on leaving without me, right ? » she flashed you a toothless grin, grabbing both your hand and his to drag you two outside
• suna shared a deadpanned look with you, « of course not... » you both said in unison as she was already leading the way to her favorite ice cream shop
— IWAIZUMI
• iwa’s trust in you was infinite. but something about the way this guy had his arm playfully wrapped around your shoulders didn’t sit right with him
• his practice had ran late and he was exhausted. but he had promised you he would pop over to the birthday party of your childhood best friend, knowing how much it mattered to you
• but your behavior looked an awful lot like an attempt at making him jealous... and it was working
• was it your way of letting him know that you two weren’t working anymore ? were you just too much of a coward to be clear about it ? he hated to think about you that way. and most of all, he cared about you too much to not step in
• « ok now you got my attention » he told you after pulling you to the side. « if you want to tell me something, go ahead, i’m listening »
• still trapped in the euphoria of the moment, you didn’t really understand how upset he was. but maybe it was for the best, because it allowed you to defuse the tension lightheartedly : « i can’t believe i forgot to introduce you ! » you let out as you dragged him back to where your brother was still standing
• his jaw still clenched, iwa couldn’t even bring himself to shake this stranger’s hand, as friendly as he looked. at least not until you spoke your next words : « he was actually telling me how excited he was to finally met his future brother-in-law ! »
• iwa’s lips slightly parted in confusion, you could almost hear the cogs turning in his head over the music. brother? well that explained a lot of things
• « h-hi, sorry i was... miles away » he apologized before finally shaking the hand your brother was holding out to him
• but once the surprise had passed, another word stuck with him : brother-in-law ? as in « my sibling speaks so highly of you that i’m willing to let you put a ring on their finger even though i have never met you yet » ?
• well, it was good to know that your brother agreed with the plans he’d had for you since day 1...
— AKAASHI
• it was not unusual for akaashi to think that maybe he was not good enough for you. but being actually jealous was a first for him
• he had promised himself to never be too overprotective of you. but the facts were here : it was 3am and the only thing keeping him up was this unknown feeling of pure jealousy
• if he had not been in such a hurry when he witnessed your lighthearted banter and playful fighting with this man in the afternoon, he would’ve come up to you. introduced himself. maybe asked a few questions. if
• suspecting that this unpleasant feeling would not go away unless he talked to you about it, akaashi found himself dialling your number in the middle of the night
• used to his thoughts polluting his mind at unpredictable hours of the day and the night, your ringer was always on. which is why you picked up after only two rings
• « hi angel, i’m sorry to wake you up, i just... » he started, the clarity of his tone letting you know that he had not slept a wink. feeling his hesitation, you were quick to reassure him « it’s ok keiji. what’s going on ? »
• « who were you with ? i mean- this afternoon ? i don’t think i’ve ever met that guy and i was just wondering if... maybe i should ? »
• sitting up straight on your bed, you felt a weight being lifted off your shoulders. if this was the only thing keeping him awake, he should be able to fall asleep in the following minutes. « i was with my brother. but i understand why you were confused, it’s a normal reaction so please don’t blame yourself for that, alright baby ? »
• the gasp you heard on the other end of the line made you chuckle. akaashi’s voice was much less tensed now : « well in that case, yeah i should probably meet him... if you’re ok with that »
• « i’m more than ok with that » you smiled, placing your phone down on your pillow « wanna stay on the phone for a bit ? »
• « that’d be nice », his voice sounded sleepy already, especially above the familiar sound of his covers being pulled up to his chin
— ATSUMU
• how could he put that in words ? he didn’t even know if he was allowed to be jealous because he knew how often you had to see him deal with his many fangirls
• and that was actually what bugged him the most : that he might have already made you feel as shitty as he was feeling now
• but atsumu wasn’t the type to sit down and seriously open up about his feelings. besides, it was much easier to look like a needy boyfriend rather than a vulnerable one
• so he resorted to what he was best at : physical touch as a way to get your attention
• sneaking up behind you, he didn’t give you any warning before wrapping both his arms around your waist and pressing his chest on your back so much that you almost had to bend over
• he really hoped you would be perceptive enough to understand that he wasn’t just being clingy, but in need of a lot of reassurance. and luckily, it was quick to come :
• « tsumu, let me introduce you my brother » you chuckled, understanding how and why he had been mistaken
• one hand still on your waist, he used the other to greet your brother. atsumu did not really seem fazed by the news. of course he was relieved to know that he had nothing to worry about, but this little experience had still been very eye-opening to him
• after your brother had left to give you two some privacy, tsumu’s grip on your waist tightened, but in a softer way
• « ‘m sorry if i ever made ya cry » he let out, completely out of the blue. you didn’t really understand the meaning of this, but it didn’t matter. your hand found its way to his cheek that you brushed lightly with one finger, admiring the how it was slowly turning red. « being jealous sucks... » he added.
• « it does », you approved, giving him a quick peck on the nose. « but there’s nothing and no one that you should worry about, i promise »
• a fond smile lit up his face. you looked sincere, and he really needed to hear that right now. quick as ever, his hands left your waist to come and rest on your cheeks. both holding each other’s faces, you stared at the other for a few seconds, wondering which one of you would give in to a kiss first
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TAGLIST : @toworuu @catwithangerissues @miyumiya @livy384 @k0u-minamo2 @fullsundear @hsjvwq @kelsuuki @hiraeth-z @velvetvirgos @kirishimas-manly-eyeliner @47meow @japanesevenom @geektastic84 @noir-blanches-blog @idontlikeyourjob @seiri-ami @atiny-grl-with-luv @admiringlove @nachotrash @kellesvt @aintyourholy @Moonlaeli @catchmewiddershins @duhsies @devilgirlcrybabiey @crystal-lilac @ijustwantfreenetflix @mimaki @maitenight
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leviiattacks · 9 months ago
Note
May I request a Levi x Reader angst fic? Just barely any fluff, mostly angst going on lol. The reader is a traitor, formaly working for Marley, but betraying them in secret and putting their loyalty on Paradis. The reader is also a shifter and married to Levi for a couple of years. That love and care however is gone once readers identity is found. He truly despises them, insults them, maybe a bit violent with them, and outright tells them that they mean nothing to him anymore and hate them to bits. Readers punishment is to hand over her titan to Erwin, and they agree instantly, broken over everything, believing its all their fault. Once Erwin inherits Readers titan, he breaks down and screams, crying, because Reader was innocent the whole time. They never betrayed Paradis. Never killed anyone, never harmed anyone. They finaly know why they betrayed Marley, the abuse being to much for them, enough to just leave them behind for Paradis. Just... loving and caring as they all saw them. But now the damage is done. They wont come back, they're dead, believing that they died, hated and despised, with no one to mourn their death. Everyone regrets everything.
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author note :: i was thinking of leaving this in my drafts but i already wrote it and may as well post it. it didn’t end up going the way i hoped but yeah i hope it’s ok anon. anyways ANGST. ANGST, ANGST. as always i love feed back :-) ⟹ all of the headings with the years are just meant to mean it’s a different moment from that year so those moments don’t happen right after each other i hope that makes sense!! word count :: 7.2k warnings :: canon typical violence, death
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845, i.
Everything is falling in place when it shouldn't.
Sun never makes itself known in Liberio yet here it is shining down onto the bustling streets. You half expect for it to crash down and burn into the hundreds of civilians going about their daily business yet nothing of the sort happens. It's typical sunlight and you curse yourself silently for your sinister thoughts.
Secretly the voice at the back of your mind still whispers frantically but you don't wish to hear what it has to say. Instead you choose to drown it out with the sound of Zeke's voice. Finally deciding to pay attention to what it is he's been droning on about for the past ten minutes.
"Soon, soon, soon." He sighs dreamily looking a little delirious.
"Soon?"
Your question catches him off guard, he lightly shoves you with his elbow scoffing in annoyance.
"Did you sit here to not even listen to me?" He turns to take a sip of whisky and the hearty gulp he chugs shows his mild irritation. You assume he's been rambling on about Marley's plan to infiltrate Paradis. You have to admit that the idea of destroying those demons from the inside is amazingly well thought out. However it's all he's been able to discuss for the entire week now and frankly you're getting a little exhausted of it.
"I zoned out..." Quietly placing your glass back down onto the wooden counter you sigh closing your eyes. It's too early to be drinking and you don't trust Zeke enough to slip into ignorance and leave yourself vulnerable. Men are to not be trusted, especially Eldian men. The thought of Eldians triggers your flight of fight response, you want to shrivel up into a cocoon and never come out until the world is rid of the monsters. The lowest of the low, the dirt in between the crevices of Marleyan soldier's boots. That is what Eldian's are.
It's ironic coming from you, your entire family labelled as undesirable Eldians yourself but you, you know you're different. An honorary Marleyan is what you will become. What you are. The treacherous imps who are but an ocean away are the true evil.
Eyes flicking to Zeke he's lighting a cigar. Old habits die hard and he's yet to quit this self destructive custom of his. You couldn't care less if he chooses to cut his lifespan short by ten years, it's his own choice to make. A disgusting cowardly choice but it's a choice fit for an untamed man like him.
The Island Devils are said to be the bad apples but you can't help but stare at your fellow citizens from time to time and wonder what it is they could be hiding. If a demon slipped through the cracks you wouldn't be surprised. Sly in nature, persuasive in tone, that is how devils go about their daily lives alone The hymns they drilled into you all the way through elementary school echo and rebound in your mind.
Locking your bitter thoughts away you have to push yourself to not punt Zeke in the mouth when he teasingly blows a puff of hot smoke into your face.
Fingertips grazing with his he freezes at the sudden contact giving you the perfect opportunity to slip his cigar away and take it in between your lips. You allow for it to linger there but you aren't foolish enough to inhale its contents.
"Zeke, my dear friend. We shall soon be met with the fruits of our own labour but I assure you that discussing Marley's plan constantly will be of no benefit for you nor I."
The day you and Zeke had met had been at warrior training camp. Zeke was a miserable, unmotivated oaf. Always tripping and falling behind the rest of the warrior cadets. You felt rather bad for him, if you were born as unskilled as him you don't know what you would have made of yourself. Zeke, the only child of his parents ironically only ever ended up rising through the ranks after handing them over to the Marleyan government. His father and mother had been conspiring an escape plan but were executed immediately alongside their fellow team members once Zeke had outted them. Unexpectedly he was spared, the fact he turned on his own parents showed where his loyalties were. To his surprise, he was even allowed to continue his training with the other warriors - only this time everyone kept an increased distance away from him. The warriors weren't informed of what he had actually done but everyone had a gut feeling. Everyone apart from you stuck with that feeling. You thought strategically, If he were to become an enemy in the future you knew being close would come at your advantage.
The day you and Zeke had met your mother died, his mother passed away the same day. At least that's what he had told you.
The two of you bonded over the little things, told each other stories about your life at home. Reminisced about what it was you missed.
Then it all came crashing down the day Zeke confessed. The day he told you he killed his mother and father by handing them over to Marley. Your knees buckled underneath you, crashing the floor he tried to grab at you but you thrashed around in retaliation kicking and screaming not understanding why he did what he did. Yes, they were traitors but they were his parents and if the monster had the nerve to turn on the people who gave birth to him who's to say he wouldn't do the same to you or to Marley.
Zeke doesn't know it but ever since then you take the opportunity to sneak the occasional glance at him. Every single time you narrow your eyes in malice. If there's a man in Liberio who you don't trust in the slightest it's him, he must think the feud between the two of you from childhood has been put at rest but it hasn't.
Zeke takes another swig of his alcohol. On this occasion he downs it entirely slamming the glass down with vigour.
"ONE MORE GLASS BARTENDER!"
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846, i.
Another day of extensive training is about to end, your back is layered in uncomfortable layers of sweat and the same can be said for your forehead. Kneeling down in the under layer of the forest you're hidden waiting to strike. Going up against the elites is nerve-wracking but you're sure you can pull it off so long as you stay calm during this game of hunters against prey.
It's simple enough if you can conceal yourself and stay out of sight. The robust trees that surround you act as decent enough camouflage and your green cape paired with them lets you veil yourself, keeping you further into the foreground, blending into the environment.
No one will be able to catch you if they can't see you.
All of a sudden your previous thoughts are thrown away when you sense something in the atmosphere has changed, the hissing of the wind behind you isn't natural.
Turning to your side you don't bother to cover up the sound of leaves rustling and branches cracking, your priority is slipping away fast enough to hide again, a tug can be felt at your cloak and your reaction time barely covers for you, your gear fastens itself to a low enough tree branch and the descent is mind numbing. Your breakfast churns in your stomach but you ignore the uneasy feeling, leaping and diving wherever you find a small enough gap. You believe you can outrun your huntsman.
That is until you sneak a glance back and your muscles nearly tense up in pure astonishment, you've been kicked in the teeth just by the man's presence. Captain, Levi slinks behind you weaving through the gaps with increasing speed, he's gaining momentum and all the while his face stays relaxed, this isn't even his full effort.
Terrified you dart upwards and then left, a corner comes into view - Levi should assume you've turned into it and so you rashly choose to dart back down. Much to your hard luck you find that his senses are well adapted, the direction of the wind is enough for him to trace your whereabouts.
The pursuit resumes, and he stays disturbingly relentless.
Arm shooting to the right you think perhaps making it look like you're aiming to fly somewhere else again will completely catch him off guard, he can't expect for you to pull the same trick twice.
Setting your plan into motion your finger pulls at the trigger but you startle when the cable doesn't come out, it's jammed. Panic seeps into you and to make matters worse your gas is running out.
Without warning you're thrust into the body of a nearby tree, the bark scrapes against you and scratches begin to form anywhere you've made contact with the jagged surface, you want to admit defeat but the warrior inside of you denies Levi the pleasure of seeing you beg. In its place you deliver a harsh kick to his thigh, you're aware he's injured it and you're certain there are no rules to say you can't play dirty. Your boots hammer against leg hard enough for him to give out and let go of your body, but then you realize you lost this game from the very moment your grapple hooks broke, you have nowhere to hold onto.
Before you can even let out a shriek of horror Levi's shot back to you, he frantically accelerates and by a miracle humanity's strongest is able to grab a hold of you again. This time you don't dig your heels into his leg and you allow for him to clutch you by the torso.
Within a minute the two of you descend towards the forest floor and Levi throws you into the dirt furiously.
"You could have died. Being foolhardy will only lead to an early death." He barks as he directs his blade towards your neck.
"Am I dead yet?" Whispering back your gaze isn't trained on the blade but right up at him.
His nostrils flare up, his hair sticks to his forehead haphazardly and the knuckles that hold his pointed blades are white in tangled dissatisfaction.
Grabbing you by the hips he flings you over his shoulder choosing to not continue with the confrontation.
"I know what you're up to." His voice is still rugged from the pursuit and it takes you a split second to register what he's said.
Your eyes widen and your breath hitches in your throat, no way, there's no way in hell he knows. He's sharp but he's not a mind reader.
Your position means he can't read your face seeing as you're facing his back, instantly steeling your features you let out a breathy laugh.
"And what may that be?" Silently you pray he's worded himself ambiguously to catch a slip up.
"Being gutsy, you think that makes you a good soldier. It doesn't."
Relief floods you. He doesn't know.
"Soldiers need to be brave." Your retort makes him grumble.
"If  you die with no meaning by being reckless what's the purpose of being a soldier?" His question has you stopping and thinking on what the correct answer is.
Unable to think of an answer you ask another question.
"Are you saying your previous comrades died without meaning?"
"No. Their deaths fueled me slay more titans."
"So if I died back there who wou-" He swiftly cuts you off showing no inclination of wanting to hear what it is you have to say.
"I'll cut your tongue off if it's stupid." He clearly isn't serious about the threat but he does mean it when he warns you to not overstep.
Despite the consequences you say what's on your mind. "I just wanted to ask who would give my life meaning if I ever died. I don't have siblings and my parents died long ago."
Silence follows and the crunch of his boots against the muddy leaves tells you he probably doesn't wish to answer your question.
"Sorry-"
"I would. I would give meaning to your life." He says it with such ease you almost want to admire the enemy but you know he's said it because he feels he has to.
"You barely know me but I hope one day you can stop thinking everyone has to rely on you." You say it with taunting understanding.
Another bout of silence follows. Only this time the two of you feel warmly comforted, he doesn't understand how you've seen through his facade but it's easy for you to spot another liar.
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846, ii.
Brows drawn back you observe your surroundings attempting to mask your scrutiny. The place is running amok with uncontrollable Eldian folk. The stench of unadulterated sin makes itself known but you seem to be the only person able to smell it. Eren bumps against the table you're sat at and your face twitches a little but you say nothing. You're yet to get used to these people's lack of manners.
At least that's how you force yourself to think. To be truthful, you don't quite understand what it is these people have done wrong. Ever since you've arrived you've been nitpicking at every single minor inconvenience or possible issue. A girl stole a potato and broke it into uneven pieces to share and you attempted to twist the story in your head to make her look like an unfair, greedy voracious demon but... you found yourself finding very little to actually be angry at. These people are essentially normal in every way of the word, they aren't demons and you can't help but feel yourself slip away from everything you once knew as reality. You're finding it difficult to believe what years of Marleyan education taught you, the hymns that were once drilled into your brain permanently are but a vague memory.
You feel disgustingly under-dressed and out of place, you don't belong here not when you're meant to hate these people, not when you're meant to despise them. You should be fighting the urge to shove their heads onto pitchforks or to skin them alive and feed them to pigs. Everyone back in Marley told you to control your impulses but now you're here and you've settled down even having the opportunity to converse with these individuals, share their pain, share their loss, share their suffering, you wonder why you have no impulses to control. Have they brainwashed you? Or is it that you're the real demon in this situation?
Fingers mingling with each other on your lap you sit hopelessly alone. Interacting with the so called enemy is much harder than you expect. Worry consistently bubbles in the pit of your stomach and every night is spent tossing and turning evaluating then reevaluating who the bad guy really is. At first the task of daily interaction isn't a big deal, you find it easy enough to approach members of the team and fake interest in their lives until the original plan falls through. You do become invested in your team members lives and stories that it comes to the point where you don't have to force yourself to smile at their jokes or to sympathize with their tales of grief. You become one of them and you swear you're meant to feel like a traitor but eerily you feel like you belong.
Nevertheless you try your best to stick with what you know. You're nothing like Zeke, you're loyal, capable, faithful and trustworthy. Never will you turn your back on Marley.
Rising to excuse yourself from dinner you think you've just about made it and escaped finally able to hide away in the confines of your bedroom but your lips form into a straight uncomfortable line at the feeling of someone's hand latching at your wrist. You're halfway down the hallway just a few more steps away from your bedroom. You hope it's one of the rookies.
"Oi, come here."
Head shooting backwards your eyes land on Levi, his dark curtains fall in front of his eyes - you note that he hasn't trimmed them as he usually does. Despite his size his grip is firm and your wrist squirms around a little trying to manoeuvre out of his bruising grasp. He seems to notice he's underestimated his strength once again and loosens his hold on you. Narrowed eyes analyse your anxious form, they're grey and in this lighting almost glow appearing silver. For a brief second your mouth is left ajar by the delicate but rough manner of his face.
"Everything Okay?" He doesn't typically seem to care very much about anyone, the question activates your senses and you're on full alert but the eye contact you make with him seconds later slows down the gears in your mind, they only whir and hum in anticipation completely coming to a halt.
"Yes, yes everything is okay." You're playing around with the hem of your shirt and you silently question when you were ever this nervous around anyone. You're a Marleyan soldier for heaven's sake not an unrestrained, unsupervised child left to play in a park.
Despite your clear inability to cushion and shield yourself from your Levi's stabbing gaze you attempt to appear as nonchalant as possible.
"I'll be going I just feel a little —" At first you had thought to fake you were ill but at the feeling of a sudden strike of pain you hold onto your stomach, the ache burns into your abdomen and without permission it travels higher up towards your ribs. "A little unwell." You manage to wheeze out. Hand placed onto a nearby cement wall your thought process is hasty speeding up by the second. Have they figured you out and had you poisoned? No, you barely ate anything today.
You hunch over feeling the bile crawl up your throat, on reflex you clamp your eyes shut not wishing to anger a superior by acting insolent and disposing of your dinner in the hallway. Shaky palms reach hesitantly for your lips and you force yourself to keep it in. Levi would commit a murder if you heaved and gagged letting it all out in front of him.
You motion towards the door trying to emphasize that you can handle yourself in the privacy of your room. Tears bite at the sides of your eyes and your vision is so blurred you can only make out the faint outline of the man who was just in front of you.
"Relax. I'll clean it." Your hair is brushed away from your face securely held back and you can't hold it in any longer, the acrid storm surges through your throat, you retch at the harsh sting it leaves behind. Breathing heavy, perturbed and anxious you gasp in all the air you can get.
"I knew you looked ill." His hands hold your jaw gently, the pads of his fingers are calloused but his touch remains soft. A tissue dabs at your mouth wiping away the excess untouched sick.
Just like the sick which surged through you less than a minute ago you feel something else entirely tear into you. You can't put a finger on it but it's dangerous for you to not feel contempt.
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847, i.
Your heart accepts what your mind has been ignoring for months on end when Levi looks you square in the eyes after a heart wrenching expedition. The vacant look on his face is enough for the guilt to consume you whole but he doesn't know that. He doesn't know of your sins.
The wagon of corpses reeks of death and desperation. It's rotten and the smell is sickening. Forcibly you  stop yourself from feeling any more grief. The despair isn't yours to go through.
Your first ever personal loss outside of the walls and you've learnt Paradis is not home to demons. Cheeks burning in mortification you can't formulate any thoughts on your own accord, instead they continuously emerge in bursts and finally a single thought sticks out from the rest - Are you aiding in the destruction of innocent human life?
The both of you are sat on guard duty with the corpses, half of the team has been wiped out in one sweep. Your trembling hands don't seem to want to steady any time soon and you sit there with your guilty conscience strangling you slowly, your airflow is getting shallower. Shorter, quicker breaths leave you. The imaginary gash in your chest is bottomless, and your lungs push and pull in a power struggle.
Levi's coarse hands abruptly hold onto yours and the floodgates open again, he doesn't know what you've done to him, done to his soldiers, done to his people. If he knew who you really were, would things be different?
"This was out of your control."
Do you tell him?
The question sits in your mind for a while until you shake your head. He takes it the wrong way and think you're responding to him.
"This was not your fault." For the first time in months you've heard his voice crack under pressure.
"Pe- Petra she- I could have taken one for the team and died instead of her." All that remains of your dear friend is her blood soaked cloak. Her body was one of the few that had to be hauled away earlier to decrease the carriage's load.
The fabric still smells of Petra, smells of honey and chamomile and the simple soap offered at the base, but it still smells of her.
Firm hands grab your shoulders and Levi's fingers dig sorely into your flesh.
"Don't."
"But I- I didn't contribute as much as her and she has family who are alive." Hiccuping you try to bare with the fact that you'll wake up tomorrow and not see her preparing breakfast for everyone else. You know you could have propelled her out of the way just in time if you hadn't been so taken aback by the entire situation.
"You were her comrade. She made the choice to die for you."
You want to reach out, sob into his chest and yell that you regret it all, scream and tell him about the secret you've been hiding. A sorry excuse of a comrade you are to let her die on the battlefield not knowing your true identity. The tears roll down your cheeks and Levi feels his heart constrict and squeeze as he comprehends the lack of regard you have for your life. "It should have been me." Is repeated over and over again, your eyes are raw and bloodshot, the vicious wind sinks its teeth into you.
"Then die."
"If you're willing for her life to have no meaning. Die." The words he spits out are as cutting as the bitter wind. He feels cheated and you're finally able to come to your senses.
He's faired much worse but you doubt he's ever acted out the way you have in front of another person. In this never-ending void of darkness locking away the dull ache caused by deafening loss is the best choice for everyone.
Much like the night you had been sick he takes a grip of your jaw and directs your face towards his, this time he's not as gentle as before but you conclude that it's because he's drained, completely exhausted from the battle. The eyes are the windows to the soul but Levi's window panes are shattered, completely crushed by the weight of the constant burden he has to carry.
"I'm sorry." You croak out the apology. He grits his teeth because he doesn't want you to apologize but he doesn't voice out his opinion. As a substitute he presses his arms against you, the terribly raw panic is murdering you. Levi's gruff voice is a mixture of faux irritation but mutual understanding.
"Cry." He allows for your head to loll against his shoulder.
As the dark envelopes both you and him the scent of the dead only becomes more and more pungent, recalling fond memories of Petra and the others you know your heart settles on a decision before your mind does. You're a two timing back stabbing traitor for this. What you hated Zeke for you have become yourself.
Disloyal, unfaithful and fickle.
That day you place your loyalties with Paradis.
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847, ii.
Levi's wiping down one of the kitchen tables, you're kneeled on the floor scrubbing vigorously. The others have already given up, panting they've left using the excuse of fetching water from a nearby well. Your back aches but you find cleaning reassuring and somewhat of a decent distraction.
"Why do you like to clean?" You're used to Levi asking you abrupt questions by now, after all the two of you have been acquainted for well over a year now. Through that year he's learnt about you and you about him. When in the midst of what looks to be humanity's final year's, twelve simple months is enough to form a bond worth a decade.
"I'm not good at a lot but I am good at cleaning."
"You know that's not true idiot." The tone of his voice indicates that your answer doesn't please him.
"But I do think I'm good at cleaning? Maybe not as good as you but I am half decent."
"Not that. You're good at much more than half the people I've ever met." He sneers, his footsteps edge towards you. "Purely being a good person is a talent these days."
You suppress a flinch because you aren't a good person at all. Neither are you that middle ground between good and bad. Rough around the edges and uneven, you're shards of glass ready to slash and hack away at him if Marley somehow lures you back.
The confession, if you could even call it that catches you by surprise and anger fills you. You almost want for him to not trust you and call out your bluff. It's a little unnatural how badly you want for him to realize the truth.
Your head turns up to stare at the man who's a few steps away from you. "Or am I just good at acting genuine?"
You don't even mean to snap at him and you don't even realize you have until you see his eyes widen and mouth part in imperceptible surprise. Biting your tongue your attention is diverted back to the wooden floor. Driving your washcloth into the crevices and dips of the floorboards you ignore Levi's leather shoes which now stand right in front of you.
"Are you questioning my judgement of character?"
Be born in Marley, That's what you had done, trained to destroy people you thought to be devilish entities, foolishly chose to grow attached to the so called enemy. Your mind lingers onto a specific thought and you're deathly afraid to be thinking it in the first place but there's no more avoiding it.
Falling deeply in love with Levi is your worst mistake to date.
"What I did. It was out of my control." you reply, voice hard.
"Not disclosing what it was?" He asks.
Your silence is his answer. Kneeling down to where you are he disarms you, the washcloth is taken out of your hands and he places it onto a table.
"You are a good person." His voice is brusque and he states it like it's a fact, something you should know. Hot tears threaten to spill over, he's stupidly naive for not rethinking that opinion of his. Lips thinned and eyes watering you don't know how to feel.
"Levi. I'm sure you'd like to think that but I am not."
"You love the members of the corps unconditionally I can see it in the way you look at them."
"Sometimes you look a little sad when you stare." The last sentence he adds in has your pulse racing. He's right, you often feel miserable thinking about how everyone would react knowing who you really are.
"I'm not interested in bad people." He sounds distant saying such warm words and it takes a moment for them to actually sink in. You don't quite believe you've heard him correctly. The dread sinks to the bottom of your stomach and the feelings you've buried at the back of your mind hit you like a tsunami. The thought of him feeling the same way for you, is agonizing.
"Stop being ridiculous." The uncertainty is killing the both of you.
"Loving you is not ridiculous, if you don't feel the same way you can say that and I'll step away. We'll be back to normal."
"No, no, no. You don't get it. You're just saying that." Your voice quivers and the intensity of this new revelation is too large for you to cope with.
"Why would, you," He begins, voice just above a whisper, "ever think that way?"
"Why would you even look twice at me?" You reply.
"Because I worry for you."
"You worry for everyone."
"I worry for you the most."
Instead of letting you respond to him this time he carries on speaking.
"We both know we feel the same."
You already knew you were in love with Levi, you didn’t need for him to tell you. You knew you were in love when you tried to memorize his facial features, you knew you were in love when his laughter was the cause of your laughter, you knew you were in love when you threw yourself in front of that abnormal for him.
That's when you begin to understand what all his signals meant. You now knew why he'd let you stare so intently, you now knew why he laughed particularly hard when it was you who had made a joke, you now knew why he scolded you and nearly broke down at the sight of your injured arm after that specific expedition.
You know it. He knows it. You both know what this will lead to.
But you still lunge onto his lap, you still press your wobbly lips against his. You still choose to surrender yourself to him and he still reacts by taking a hold of your shaky hands which lay on his chest. He envelopes them in his warm grasp. Slowly but gradually the ice thaws and dissolves. Heartbreak, anguish and suffering when one of you loses the other will be the end of your romance, you're sure of it. Hell, the both of you are in the middle of a war but your heart flames up thinking of all of the possibilities.
Perhaps it'll play out the one way you wish for it not to.
Could your ending be in betrayal?
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848, i.
"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded hus-"
"Cut the crap and kiss me." Levi's crude interruption isn't appreciated by Erwin but everyone knows Levi doesn't care all that much for formalities and hates being in the spotlight for too long.
Gripping him by the collar of his suit your lips are a centimetre away, he stops you tightening the hold he has on your waist. His lips gently press against your collarbone and his breath meanders towards the shell of your ear.
"Swear you won't die on me."
Gulping you look away apprehensively. You know you can't promise that.
“Oi, I’m expecting an answer.” His voice flickers slightly.
Forefinger holding your chin up you see your soon to be husband close to tears, he valiantly blinks them away. Levi has never been one to make his pain public and your heart twists in your chest as you realize just how much of a hold his feelings for you have over him.
"I can't promise that, you know it'll only hurt more." The strange bitter taste in your mouth won't let you comply with his request and by measuring his reaction you see his eyes cloud in an unidentifiable emotion, you're sure it's nothing positive.
"We may not have a happy ending Levi but we'll always have a happy middle."
Levi scoffs in derision, he has to think your attempt at being meaningful is ridiculous.
You lean into him and it's all so heart-wrenchingly familiar yet foreign. His body sags comprehending that not everything will go the way he wants it to. One of you is guaranteed to leave first.
Hands finding purchase in the cloth of his white dress shirt Levi doesn't cringe at you creasing the fabric as he usually does. He allows for you to call the shots this time, your lips brush faintly against his before you nosedive into him. No resistance is felt and he replies almost immediately. Everyone applauds as his fingertips press into the back of your skull and you find that this is all incredibly hideous. The innate disloyalty you feel, you throwing your entire life away for this man but you find yourself not caring. To hell with that miserable life crammed with sin.
Levi smiles against your mouth, you assume you're meant to magically smile back but you can't make yourself. It's uncomfortable relishing in the undeserved happiness knowing it won't last forever.
The world you live in isn't ideal nor is it forgiving.
Momentary joy is all an antagonist can hope for.
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849, i.
Jean can’t take his eyes off the newly weds.
You’re cooing into your Levi’s ear gently, his cheeks flush scarlet at the feeling of your hot breath against his skin and he scolds you for having the gall to rile him up in public.
Jean sniggers finding some sort of odd delight from the interaction - he’s never seen the Captain this content and at ease.
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849, ii.
You don't know why you've dragged yourself out of bed just to stare at your husband's face but you have, despite the toll life has had on him he seems sound for once. His breathing peaceful yours is anything but that. When it's dark the weight becomes heavier, your skin tingles and your throat burns aching for release.
Eyes blurring your hands shake reaching out for him but you can't find the courage to make contact. Nothing will ever warrant plaguing him even more with your existence.
The memories become increasingly bitter.
"If we make it out of this alive we'll have children and they'll look just like you."
"I want them to look like you." had been your reply.
Levi winced not seeming to like the idea.
"No, I want them to look like you. You're beautiful."
How wrong he was for thinking that.
You, beautiful? He'd stab himself ten times over if he knew just who exactly he had said those words to.
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850, i.
Zeke had betrayed you after finding out who you were to Levi but you half expected that he would tell him the truth at some point regardless of that fact.
Tear stains travel through the mud and grime on your face, Levi's eyes are indifferent as he twists his wedding ring off his finger flinging it into the surrounding rubble.
Without your permission he yanks your arm forwards intending to take your matching ring away but you hold on digging your heels into the dirt beneath you.
"You disgusting bitch. Give me it."
You scream, high and awful, he continues jerking at your arm the muscle throbs crying out for him to stop but he doesn't and no one steps in to put a halt to any of it. Levi having had enough grabs at your neck ruthlessly. In any other circumstance he'd be labelled callous or cruel but everyone on the battle field shares a similar empathy for their Captain. Neither they or Levi had expected your disloyalty.
"I said give me the ring if you know what's good for you." His fingers slide around your neck, his seemingly low words cling onto the little respect he has left for you.
"No." Your defiance has his eyes hardening in and posture tensing. "I'm not handing it over."
Levi says nothing, he only holds onto your throat tighter, if he really keeps at  it your windpipe will be crushed in no time. You know he's holding out on purpose, he's still giving you a chance. He expects for you to stand your ground, say you never deceived Paradis, say something, anything to make him let go of you.  
"Marrying you... It just happened somehow. I know it was selfish of me." He squeezes harder. "I know it was. I'm sorry Levi." Gasping and breathless you clench and unclench your fists finding it too difficult to explain.
Your mouth opens, you want to tell him you haven't seduced him like he thinks you have, tell him you dropped that plan of yours long ago but then you falter at the last second.  It's typically hard to tell when Erwin's infuriated but it's painfully obvious when you make eye contact with him over Levi's trembling shoulders. It's enough to tell you to give up. Enough to tell you that you're beyond redemption, you've ran and hid long enough.
"Hand over your titan." Levi says nothing to Erwin's proposition, the hold he has on your neck loosens but his silence is sickening. It means he agrees.
This is fate's idea of a cruel joke.
But you agree, on the basis of one condition.
"Fine but-"
Levi cuts in, all regard for you devoid from his system.
"You're in no place to be making demands." He snarls, his patience quickly running thin.
However Erwin urges you to continue speaking taking you aback.
"If it's not too much maybe we can accommodate your final wish." Erwin had always been thoughtful in nature and you thank him for even bothering to show you a sliver of benevolence.
Everyone's looking, all eyes are on you. Some are blinking away tears, others are disgusted unable to stare at you for more than a few seconds at a time. Levi falls into the latter.
Brazen with not an ounce of shame you mention the ring again. "Let me keep it." Your left hand covers your right and underneath the flesh is the last symbol left of your union with Levi.
Whispers and murmurs orbit you, none of them are kind and Levi loses it.
His reflexes are paralyzing, he's back at it clawing your neck mercilessly but you don't scream or shriek as you did previously. You take it, you let him unload his frustration.
"Levi. Let it go for the sake of humanity." Erwin says pointedly. Irritation pricks him, he wants this over and done with and your rebelliousness doesn't look as if it'll be tamed any time soon unless you're given what you want.
Levi's face is crimson, the fresh blood from the expedition still steaming. "Y/N, I'll saw your arm off if I have to." But, you know he's already given into Erwin's orders when he throws you to the ground letting you crash and wheeze for breath.
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850, ii.
Levi's been appointed to guard you for your final night alive. The room feels wistful as you think back wondering if the life you lived was respectable.
"Why did you stare at me when I slept? Did you think of killing me?" Half commanding and half pleading his voice cracks. He coughs attempting to cover it up.
You jolt not expecting the interaction at all and you're not the slightest bit surprised that he had seen you all those nights staring so deeply. He'd always been a light sleeper. You turn your head up hoping he's looking at you.
He isn't.
"I wanted our children to look like you. I think you're beautiful."
It's now his turn to recoil, only he does so in repulsion remembering the familiarity of those words. They had left his own lips not too long ago.
"I'd never have children with the likes of you." He sounds tense then.
You understand. No one would want to have children with someone as hated and as despicable as you.
"I know." You whisper faintly.
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850, iii.
When Erwin's eyes glaze over unable to focus on anything in particular Levi assumes it's him growing used to the titan powers. What he doesn't expect is for his Commander to bang his head against the floor unrelenting screaming your name.
Pairs of hands move to stop him but he thrusts them aside wailing. Levi stresses trying to figure out what it is you could have done in the wake of your death.
But Erwin Smith. Courageous, brave Erwin Smith, who never cracked at loss of life for the sake of humanity, who always eloquently spoke to everyone around him at all times, finds himself slumping down to his knees and weeping for you.
The warm blood from his self inflicted assault still trickles down his nose, a tremor shakes through his entire body when he thinks of breaking the news to Levi.
The edge in Erwin’s voice grows dangerous.
"We made the wrong choice."
Erwin can't word it any better than that.
But Levi understands right away, he wishes he didn’t, he wishes he was ignorant enough not to.
Hange sticks an arm out aiming for his shoulder but he stumbles away nearly falling back into the floor not wanting to be touched by anyone.
He finds that he is not human enough to cry. It’s that or he’s not human at all without your presence.
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854, i.
Levi has grown old without you, lived to see months and new seasons without you by his side. Over time his eyelids have become heavier, the corners of his mouth naturally droop and he remains perpetually somber.
Sometimes you visit him in his dreams, each time you make a silly comment about how his grey eye bags make him look like he’s been punched in the face. “Levi Ackerman, I swear if you don’t sleep soon!” You cushion the blow by whispering sweet nothings, reassuring him that you still think he’s beautiful. 
Occasionally you add in that you don’t blame him for the past, but those conversations only last for a few seconds at a time.
“I don’t blame you.” It always starts off with the exact same phrase. 
“I should have listened to you.” Levi’s tone is stern and uncompromising .
“Lev, I was never going to tell you to spare my life. You tried to listen to me, I could tell you wanted me to deny it.”
Levi refuses to answer you, he still thinks he’s at fault.
Not a day goes by where he doesn’t think of that ring. He regrets throwing it away recklessly into the rubble.
Some day he’ll return to Shiganshina to find it. The idea sounds laughable but he has to find a reason to smile as he fights for his life.
That is what Levi thinks as two set’s of jaws snap shut onto his legs, a flurry of red surrounds him. His throat constricts at the feeling of his thighs being ripped away from the rest of him.
“I tried.” He whimpers to no one in particular, eyes blank and losing meaning.
“I know Levi, I know.” The same voice from his dreams soothes him.
“Do not despair. Find me again in another world.” The biting wind adds in.
Levi’s eyelids flutter shut unable to do much else.
He’s unsure if he has the courage to face you again in another lifetime.
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fussymeanie999 · 10 months ago
Text
first time - loki laufeyson x plus-size reader
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WARNING: this is going to be around 90% dirty smut. you have been warned. mentions of: cunnilingus, deepthroat, facefucking, unprotected sex, breeding, first time
synopsis: reader feels extremely insecure about her figure, loki finds her being absolutely destroyed, he decides to show her how beautiful she is.
a/n: also, i like used a scene from my mad fat diary for one of the dialogues (another one of my favourite shows), so all creds to them! i also used a monologue called "corsets and courtship" for some of loki's quotes by @tomhiddlestonsoundalike on tumblr so all credz to him and whoever wrote the text!
enjoy, my plussize queens (or whoever's reading this lol)
+++
you stood in front of your mirror, in your undergarments, looking at your own reflexion, your fingers grazing your own skin, cringing at every bump or texture you felt. your skin wasn't as soft as you'd want it to be. it wore many marks, wether from your skin stretching or plain old cellulite. you had some pimples, some scarring... you hated it. all of it. you just wished you were perfect. you weren't skinny, that was for sure. you weren't even mid-size. you were a big girl. and as much as you'd want to pretend you weren't, there were times where that was impossible. you didn't fit in any "regular sizes" and not every store had a plus-size section. you were afraid to eat in front of people. you couldn't even be intimate with your boyfriend.
ah. your boyfriend. your boyfriend's name was loki. and he was probably the most beautiful man you had ever laid eyes upon. well, not a man. technically he was an alien. or a god? he came from asgard. a different planet and it honestly baffled you that a literal god would go for someone like you, when he could get anyone he ever wanted. you couldn't believe what you were hearing when he revealed his feelings for you. of course you were hopelessly in love with him but you just couldn't believe he felt the same way. fat girls never get the hot guys. at least not in any story you ever heard, especially not in your life. you never had a boyfriend. no one had really shown any interest in you and you didn't either. mostly because you didn't think anyone would feel the same.  you didn't feel as though you deserved to be with anyone, you were too big, too unattractive, too insecure. so you never really tried. until loki came around.
he became part of your life almost a year ago to this day. he was your first kiss, first date, first everything. the only first that was missing was... your first time. yes. you were a virgin. a fat virgin at that. you didn't even let loki see you without a shirt on. the mere thought made you burst into tears, imagining different improbable scenarios where he'd be so disgusted by your figure he'd leave you. but you wanted to. you wanted him to see you and you wanted him to touch you. you wanted him in every sense of the term, but you couldn't bring yourself to reveal your body to him when the time came. he was always understanding, listening to your wishes and never made you feel like you had to do anything you didn't want to do. but you could feel how much it made him ache to not be able to be with you the ways he wanted to. it made you ache as well.
you grabbed at your fat, your jiggly rolls, covered in purple stripes and you couldn't help the tears that threatened to fall, roll down your cheek. your small cries suddenly became sobs, and they became louder and louder, as your brain was flooded with images of loki's face, disgusted in your figure. you let yourself fall onto the bed, feeling your stomach touch your thighs, making your sobs grow even louder. you held your stomach in one of your hands and and the other directed itself on your face, massaging your temple, feeling your heart beat inside your head.
you thought you were alone. you really did.
you heard the door of your bedroom creak. your head immediately jolted up as your glistening eyes met with familiar blue-ish green orbs. you grabbed the nearest blanket and covered your almost naked body, your sobs completely stopping but your tears still melted away on your round cheeks.
your raven-haired lover walked in the room, carefully.
"oh my sweet girl, what has happened?" the god said softly, carefully kneeling in front of you.
he slowly held out his hand to meet yours with confusion, worry and a hint of sadness in his eyes, but you quickly dodged it and got up, covering your entire front side with the blanket and quickly turning around so he couldn't see the back of you.
"nothing" you struggled to say, in between cries, still backing away from him.
you continued walking backwards until your lower back hit the dresser. you looked down, for a few quick seconds and when you looked back up, your lover was only a mere 2 inches away from your face. he cupped your visage with his hands and softly wiped your dried tears with the back of his thumb.
" you know how much i trust you my darling..." he started. " ... but this doesn't look like nothing."
he started slowly stroking your hair and brushing it with his fingers. you tried avoiding his stare but it was useless, as he was grabbing your face and lifted your chin up to make you look at him straight in the eyes.
as his stare felt as though it was piercing through your soul, you couldn't contain your cries anymore.
" be honest with me... i beg of you... it pains me to see you like this" he pleaded.
you started to contain your sobs a bit better, but you still felt so much pain.
" why... why are you with me loki...?" you were able to blurt out.
confusion. confusion was all that was written over his face. he also looked a bit hurt.
his stare started going around the room, trying to find an answer to your question. his hands, that previously were cupping your face, slid down to your throat and rested on your collarbone, his thumb drawing circles over your thyroid.
"what kind of question is that?" he said, annoyance in his voice. you were afraid you made him angry.
"loki... you can have anyone you want, alright? you're a god..." you said, tears still brimming the sides of your eyes.
loki looked at you with so much hurt, it was hard to keep eye contact.
" you're an 11, and i'm a two at best..." you proceeded. "most people, when they see us, out in public, or on social media, they must be thinking; "oh he must be absolutely mad going out with that..." you stopped yourself when you saw loki's facial expression go from hurt to raging.
"that what?" he asked firmly.
you didn't answer.
"THAT WHAT?" he screamed, making you jump.
he put a hand over his mouth, trying to calm himself down.
"how many times do i have to tell you, y/n?" he started. "you are my person. my woman. my everything. you are the most magnificent being my eyes ever laid upon. the most beautiful creature in all of the nine realms. can't you see? can't you? because i can. i see it everyday. i don't have to see you bare to know. never say that to me again, you understand? do you? do you understand?" he said, starting softly and becoming more firm.
his hands were still hanging by your collarbone, but you felt them grip at your skin, desperate for your understanding, for your touch, for you.
"... i" you started. "i d-do..." you stuttered through sniffles.
he looked at you directly in the eyes. you knew he loved you.
'but not enough.' you thought to yourself.
your love carefully placed his lips upon yours. his lips that you were familiar with. lips you kissed thousands of times. lips you loved. lips you longed for. you needed. the kiss he planted was one of the most delicate kisses he'd ever given you, but at the same time, one of the most passionate. it felt like all of the love he felt for you he poured out into you and in that moment, you felt like nothing could come between you two.
"p-please don't leave me, loki..." you cried out after the kiss.
"my love, my love, my love... never. i love you." he reassured you, stroking your hair.
he planted kisses all over your face, your cheeks, your nose, your forehead, your eyelids, and then back to your lips, this time with more hunger. it was like all of the times he had to restrain himself, when you felt like you weren't ready, completely melted into that kiss. all of his passion, his love, his hunger, his despair, and more importantly his lust, he finally let it all out and you let it all in.
"loki..." you panted in between kisses.
"mmh... yes my love?" he said, intensifying and deepening his kisses more and more.
you hesitated. but you knew. you knew you were ready.
"i-...mmh... i want you." you said, desperation tinting your voice, sounding almost like a plea.
loki slowed down. he took a minute to look at you in the eyes. he wasn't sure what to say. he wasn't even sure what you were saying.
"what?" was all he could muster up to say.
you looked at him with a little more confidence and nodded slowly.
the look on his face was priceless. he would finally be able to be with you.
"a-are you sure about this, love?" he said, sounding like he had just won the lottery.
you nodded again.
he grabbed the sides of your head firmly and leaned in to kiss you once more. his hands trailed down the sides of your body and started playing with the blanket that you were still holding firmly in your hands. you were scared to let go. to be completely bare to him.
"i'm afraid you're gonna have to let this go, my darling." he whispered in you ear, taking the chance to leave a wet kiss on your lobe, slightly biting down on it.
he grabbed your shaking hands in his, drawing circles with his thumb softly against yours.
"give yourself to me, little one... let me see you, touch you, feel you, taste you. i beg... i beg of you." he whispered again, pressing his forehead against yours.
you breathed heavily. you wanted him to see you. to touch you, feel you...
the wall you had built had always seemed so hard to knock down... but in this moment though, that wall seemed to be made of silk. all you had to do was let it go.
"okay..." you said, in the softest voice you ever spoke.
you backed away from loki and walked backwards a few feet. you were now standing the back of your knees faced towards the end of the bed. loki was staring at you proufoundly, awaiting your reveal impatiently.
your hands were trembling. you had nightmares about this moment. you had panic attacks for this moment. this moment was everything. but something about loki... was it the way he stood? the way he spoke? was it his stare? something about him made you feel safe. safer than you had ever felt before tonight.
so you let go.
you felt the blanket reach your toes. you cringed. so you closed your eyes, not wanting to witness loki's disappointment. you awaited any second now a hurl, a disgusted sound or a hurtful comment. but none of that.
you carefully opened your eyes, only to find loki with a gaping mouth, having the most amazing look on his face. a look of pure love, of endless attraction and mesmerising lust.
he approached you slowly, making each of his step count. when he finally reached you, he immediately pressed his forehead against yours. though your eyes were staring down at your feet, you could feel his stare devouring you.
he carefully placed his hand upon yours and let it trail up your arm. then back down again, giving you chills.
he didn't say anything. not a word. what was he thinking?
"i... i look disgusting i know, i'm so sorry. i know i disappoint..." you said, starting to regret the blanket had reached the floor.
you heard loki sigh so heavily.
"you... have got to be joking, love..." were the first words he spoke after seeing your figure. you heard the smile through his voice.
"in all of my..." he started. you heard him swallow before continuing. "in all of my 1056 years of living... never... and i mean never... have i ever witnessed such beauty before this night. my sweet, sweet girl, i simply do not understand why you felt the need to hide."
his hand reached your face and kissed you so passionately, you felt a sort of... heat at the bottom of your stomach. it was an unfamiliar feeling.
that same hand made its way to your neck, then to your shoulder and started playing with one of your bra straps. eventually, he completely took it off and did the same with the other strap.
"you have no idea what you are doing to me right now..." the god said, in a lower, hungrier voice.
"what am i doing to you?" you asked, innocently.
in between kisses, you could feel loki smirk against your lips.
his hand went from your shoulder, trailed down your arm and grabbed your hand in his. he took it and before you knew it he pressed it upon himself. his black, silky, suit pants were showing a bulge in between his legs and that's exactly where he put your hand.
he was hard.
when you first touched it, you heard a whimper come from your lover. god, he needed you.
"this... this is what you are doing to me, darling."
you couldn't believe the words he was saying to you. you felt as though you were in a sort of dream. loki wanted you. he was... quite literally hard for you.
loki grabbed your hair and pulled your head back so you were looking at him. his eyes went extremely dark.
"lay down. on the bed. now." he demanded firmly.
you obeyed his commands in the blink of an eye. you were ready.
you laid down on the bed, on your backside, carefully. when you got comfortable you looked up at loki and saw him looking at you, with hungrier eyes. eyes that were darker and more lustful than ever. he was devouring you with his eyes and he made sure to capture every square inch of skin of your body.
with only a smirk and the flick of a hand on your partner's part, your bra disappeared in a light green magic, leaving your breasts uncovered and nipples starting to harden.
loki obviously couldn't contain himself any longer and almost jumped on top of you, kissing you savagely, making his way down your neck, leaving all sorts of love marks, some darker than others. some of them were painful but the pain only reminded you that this was real. when he got to your breasts, you could almost see his mouth water.
he carefully grabbed one with his hand, keeping eye contact with you the whole time.
"so soft, so plump... for me. oh god, sweetheart you're giving me such a delight"
and with no warning he started giving you small licks, around your nipple, carefully approaching your most sensitive part, which he enthusiastically started to flick with his tongue. the sudden pleasure rose your voice as you let out a small whimper, begging for more.
"yes... yes my sweet girl... let it out... show me how much you want this" he said in a raspier voice.
you found your fingers playing with his raven-black locks, as his mouth played with your brown-ish pink buttons.
he did so for some while, until he felt your hand grasp at his vest. you wanted him to reveal himself to you as well. he got the message pretty quickly.
he looked up from his meal, giving you the same amount of eye contact, as he took off his black blazer, black tie and black vest. all he had on were his bottoms but you were too worried about his beautiful torso to notice. you let your hands wonder on his pale chest, feeling the softness of his skin, some of his hair, up to his pecs, you couldn't believe it. how can this man become even more beautiful?
"like the view, my love?" he asked. you enthusiastically nodded.
he bent down to leave more love bites over your torso and your breasts. he started to slowly go down your body leaving kisses under your breast, going even nearer to the most insecure part of your body. you cringed and whimpered again, but this time in a less of a pleasurable manner, remembering all of your stretch marks and cellulite, knowing he'll be disappointed.
"i... couldn't... be... more... in... love..." he breathed out between his wet kisses. he was now definitely directly on your tummy.
he looked up, knowing you wouldn't like this part. he met your eyes and definitely noticed your hesitation.
he got back up, towering over you. he bent back down, catching your lips in his.
he carefully started stroking your hair, in the most loving manner you could ever imagine. he looked at you straight in the eyes, seeming like he was trying to deliver a message directly to your soul.
"what have i done to deserve you?" he asked, his voice choking in between his words.
those words completely melted your aching heart.
it was your turn to touch him. you said nothing as you slowly stroked his cheek with the back of your hand, giving him your approval by a shake of the head.
he smiled and his head disappeared to your stomach again.
you could feel his hands rome around your entire body and his mouth leaving wet kisses over your stomach. his long raven hair still trailed around higher up on your torso, nearer to your breasts.
he finally got to the place his own body longed for the most.
at this point you were completely damp and you awaited his reaction to your wetness impatiently.
he quickly gave you one of the hungrier and most impatient look you'd ever seen him give you.
he got up in front of the bed, looking you up and down like a predator looks at its prey and with the flick of hand, yet again, loki made your panties disappear in a light shimmering green magic, leaving you completely bare. all that was covering you up were your legs, still pressed firmly together.
loki carefully placed his hands over your bare knees. he could feel you trembling. was it from excitement? nervousness? or desire?
"open up for me, my love... let me in" he said in a demanding, pleading voice.
you slowly started to comply and let your legs go loose. your lover took it upon himself and slowly spread your thighs apart. he couldn't believe his eyes.
he was letting himself finally see your aching core. he could see it glistening, it was calling to him, begging for his touch. he was the one the one responsible and he'd never felt prouder. he admired every fold, every forgotten hair you missed while shaving, everything about it was inviting.
"oh my sweet sweet girl... look at the state of you. don't you understand how long i've been waiting? to see you in this position, completely at my mercy, legs spread, only for me..."
he gulped and whimpered at the sight of you, as you spread you legs even further. he could feel the tightness in his pants become almost unbearable. he'd never been this aroused before in his entire life. but first, he needed a taste of you.
he slowly started leaving wet kisses over your thighs, getting closer and closer to your velvet folds. his hands traveled your entire body. your body, that felt as though it had been set on fire. he once again cupped one of your breasts and started flicking your nipples with his fingertips. you let yet another whimper escape your lips, needing him more than you've ever needed anyone.
you felt his hot breath against your wet love box and that was all it took to make you go insane.
"p-please..." you pleaded to the god.
he took your scent in, smelling the most mouth-watering aroma he ever got the chance to smell in all of his 1000 years.
"you don't have to ask me twice, my sweetness..." were his last words before delving in.
he placed his fingers upon your aching core, exploring all of your folds, he couldn't believe how wet you were.
"darling... you are dripping..."
he let his fingers trail for a few seconds, until they reached your entrance. he circled it with the tip of his finger as he finally placed his lips right on top of your sensitive button.
the sudden, unfamiliar sense of pleasure, completely took you by surprise as you yelped.
his tongue peaked through after a few kisses planted on your clitoris. it circled in the same motions his finger was making to your entrance. he was so soft, so cautious. but you could feel the heat in the bottom of your stomach growing darker, more demanding so you placed you hands on the top of your lover's head, brushing your fingers through his hair and slightly pushing his head down on your core.
loki got the message, as his circles became more passionate and as he started flicking his tongue aggressively at your core.
you felt your entire body tremble in desire as loki's finger plunged itself in between your folds, exploring your insides.
you were now moaning deliberately, wanting him to add digits. you thought you'd be more resistant, you thought it'd be a little painful, even but all you could feel was pleasure.
"more..." you pleaded.
as the words were still hanging from your lips, loki plunged yet another finger in, and this time, you did feel a little resistance but you didn't care. you wanted him. you wanted him so much.
his tongue was working wonders on your clit. you would think the man hadn't eaten in days at the sight of him. he was completely devouring you and you could feel the pleasure build up inside of you.
the mixture of his fingers pumping in and out of you, and his tongue flicking at your sensitive button, all of it was too much for you to handle. you felt something was coming.
"loki... l-loki... something... something's happening." you panted, in between moans.
he didn't stop. he knew what he was doing. he went harder, his tongue completely destroying you.
"i can feel it as well... your heat... your wetness... let yourself come undone, my sweet... for me" he whispered, panting, in between licks.
'come undone?' you thought. but before you knew it, you felt it. the highest peak of pleasure your body had ever felt in its life. you felt your thighs squeeze around the god's head, squashing him a little. you didn't want to hurt him but you couldn't contain yourself, as you screamed his name, not believing that amount of pleasure was even possible. it was electrifying. your whole body reacted, you were sweating. you put your hand over your mouth and bit down your finger to stop yourself from becoming a screaming mess, but it was already too late, as you rode your orgasm out to the last bit of pleasure you could conquer up.
"you taste even sweeter than i thought you would, sweet girl" he said, giving the nickname a whole different meaning.
you let out a huge sigh, slowly coming back to your senses. you looked up as loki got up from between your legs, his hand still caressing your folds slowly and placed a delicate kiss on your lips. you tasted what you thought was yourself. oddly enough, you didn't cringe, you hadn't found yourself to taste disgusting. it was... kind of erotic actually.
"loki i..." you started. you didn't know how to ask. "i want to..." you sighed out.
"say it, darling" he said, stroking your hair, still caressing in between your legs.
"i want to taste you... too" you finally let out.
you wanted to make him feel as good as he made you feel. you wanted to thank him in a way.
he was surprised. he didn't think you were ready.
"you made me feel so good today... i want to reciprocate the feeling... y'know..." you said, shyly.
loki's hand pulled at your hair to make you look at him.
"is that what you want?" he asked, firmly. he grabbed your hand and slowly pressed it yet again on his throbbing member, through his tightening pants.
he sighed heavily, still looking at you straight in the eyes.
you nodded, slowly. he smirked.
"then, get on your knees."
you obeyed.
you liked how he commanded you and guided you through all of your movements. you were nervous he wasn't going to enjoy, but the anticipated look on his face told you otherwise. also, the throbbing length in his pants.
you were now on your knees, on the floor, at the end of the bed and loki was sitting, his still clothed legs spread, inviting you in.
you started to slowly stroke his thigh, rubbing your hand up and down, each time getting closer to his private. you did the same thing with his other thigh, feeling the god getting impatient with your teasing.
you finally placed your hand over his member, giving it a small squeeze. you heard your lover grunt, at only your touch.
"you're eager" you stated, looking up at him. he gave you a smirk.
"less talking." he said, darkly.
you complied, massaging his bulge through his pants.
when you finally unzipped them, you heard your lover let out a sigh of relief. you wanted to bring them down to his ankles, but loki, being impatient, made them disappear in his green magic.
"hey. let me work." you said, in more of a joking way.
"i said... less talking" he repeated.
you noticed a small wet spot on his grey boxers. you bent down, without touching it, smelling it.
you felt the god squirm under you, eager to feel you around him.
you carefully, and slowly took his boxers down, letting his member spring free of its shackles, finally revealing itself to you.
he was huge. it was veiny, its tip was a dark pink, almost red, it was pale like the rest of his body. but most importantly, it was enormous.
"like the view, my love?" he asked for the second time that night.
you nodded your head enthusiastically. all you wanted was to get a taste.
you carefully approached your hand to the hot spot. the second your fingers reached his skin, loki whimpered. it was burning up, but it was so soft. you felt the veins under your fingertips, and suddenly it was like you knew exactly what to do. you carefully started stroking him and ran your thumb over the most sensitive part of his shaft, his frenulum, and heard him whimper once again.
"please" he pleaded, imitating your pleas from earlier.
"you don't have to tell me twice" you imitated as well.
you approched his tip to your lips and delicately gave him a soft kiss. his skin was so warm.
you continued giving him small pecks but you felt him get, yet again, impatient with your teasing.
"oh come on..." he pleaded.
you looked at him. sweat was dripping down his forehead.
you then flipped his cock over, back to his stomach to give yourself full access to the base of his member. you placed your tongue directly in between his balls and shaft and worked your way up to his tip, making sure you passed by his sensitive junction between his red bulb and the rest of his penis. directly after, you put his tip in your mouth and started bobbing your head back and forth, tasting the drops of pre-cum he deposited on your tongue.
you heard him moan, some cusses flew out of his mouth, he moaned mainly your name, or called you by all sorts of nicknames.
"oh my, oh my... you're doing so good... mmh... g-good girl..." he moaned out.
his words were able to bring back that heat at the bottom of your stomach. you slowly directed your hand in between your thighs and started stroking your own bundle of nerves. loki didn't seem to notice, too lost in the waves of pleasure you were giving him.
he was now moaning deliberately. he tried... he really tried, but he couldn't contain himself anymore, he grabbed your head, pulled you by your hair and pushed your head down to take more of his shaft. you awaited a gag or any sort of resistance on your part, really, but nothing came.
loki got up from where he was sitting, your head still enveloping his shaft and started moving back and forth, you being completely at his mercy. he was deliberately fucking your face, and you let him.
he moaned your name so many times you'd lost count. he became more and more agressive with each thrust until all of his shaft was buried down your throat. he held your head down for a few seconds, gripping at your hair, letting his cock sit in your mouth, until he finally pulled out, a strand of saliva escaping your lips. he was out of breath, but not as much as you.
"you feel so good, my love. you're doing amazing" he said, panting.
you gave him a few kitten licks, asking for more. he buried his cock again down your throat, pumping in and out. he was fucking your face as though it was a cunt, using your throat as a mere hole that was made to mold his shaft perfectly.
you weren't gagging which surprised you. you'd never tested your gag reflex, but obviously you didn't have any.
you felt him go faster and faster until he once again, suddenly stopped as your head was completely enveloping his shaft. but this time, he started grunting and moaning, louder, in more of an animalistic way, holding your head down, hard, as deep as he could go.
"i- i'm cumming, love" he grunted out.
suddenly, you could taste bitterness, saltiness explode in your mouth, and run down your throat. your first instinct was to spit it out, but your god kept your head in place, making you swallow. it felt never ending. he kept cumming and cumming. you thought the taste would repulse you, from what you had heard from friends and the internet, but you honestly didn't find it to be that disgusting.
he stayed in that same position, holding your head in place, for another ten to fifteen seconds after he came. you felt his cock twitch in your mouth and he finally removed himself.
you took a deep breath, considering you could finally breathe properly.
loki knelt down to your level. he looked at your face. fortunately, you weren't wearing makeup, so no makeup to ruin. your eyes were red, tears had run down your face, you had spit all over the sides of your face, and some of loki's cum had fallen out of the corners of your mouth. he wiped it with his thumb and took it up to your mouth.
you sucked his thumb dry, tasting him yet again.
he gave you a loving smile.
"mine." he simply said, in a soft manner.
he then kissed you in the most loving way he could, tasting himself on your lips.
he then backed away, looking you up and down, noticing your hand still wondering around in between your thighs. he smirked and locked eyes with you.
"i think we're gonna have to take care of that." he said, as he got up. he was now standing up while you were still on your knees. you noticed his cock was hard again, once it got to your eye level. how was that even possible? how could he be hard again this quick? you had to remind yourself he did have the stamina of a god. he handed you his hand for you to take, which you did.
he got you up and carefully placed his hands on the sides of your head and started stroking your hair.
"are you still sure you want to do this my love?" he asked.
you chuckled.
"after what we've done? i'm pretty sure there's no backing up now?"
he gave you a confused look.
"of course there is. i'm not gonna do anything you're not comfortable doing, sweetheart." he said.
you sighed at your poor choice of words.
"and i know that." you started. "but i'm ready. i want you... loki."
he smiled yet again. he didn't say a word. he just kissed you. it was a passionate kiss, like all of your others that night. his hands roamed around your body as if it was discovering it again for the first time.
taking you by surprise, he lifted you up, flipped you around and threw you on the bed. never had you been picked up before. you always thought you'd break the person's spine. but loki lifted you up so easily, you felt like a feather.
"you're mine" the god grunted, as he plunged on top of you. he spread your legs open, as far as he could and positioned himself right between them.
he reached down to your bundle of nerves and drew circles with his fingers like he did earlier. he wound up plunging his fingers inside you yet again, prepping you for what was about to replace them. you could feel his length harden even more against your thigh, as he did so.
you started whimpering, wanting more than just his digits to fill you.
your whimpers were like music to loki's ears. he loved hearing how much you longed for him. he loved seeing you squirm under him. he enjoyed feeling all powerful, having that much control over you.
"take me" you sighed out, looking at your lover straight in the eyes. you couldn't hold it in anymore. you needed him. you needed him inside you. now.
he smirked as he bent down, to leave a soft kiss on your forehead.
"tell me when you want to stop, my darling. use your words." he asked of you.
you nodded, agreeing to his words, whilst trying to spread your legs even further.
his fingers left your core, leaving you needy and wanting to feel him once more, but they were quickly replaced by what you knew was his tip. he started slowly moving back in forth in between your folds, teasing at your entrance.
he gave you a look, pleading for approval.
you slowly nodded, ready to take him in.
you felt his his bulb starting to peak inside of you. you winced, feeling a slight resistance.
he stopped. but you nodded again, asking for him to continue.
as he buried his shaft deeper in you, it started to really hurt. for real this time.
"ow, ow. stop." you asked. "but stay inside. just stay... stay like this. let me- let me adjust."
he listened to you.
"are you okay, my love?" he asked, still halfway inside of you.
you nodded again, breathing heavily. you knew you could do it. you wanted to.
"p-... proceed." you said.
he listened to you again, burying himself entirely in you. he let out a loud grunt. your walls had adjusted to the size of his member and it felt less painful.
your lover moaned again.
"you.. are so tight, oh my. you feel so good." he panted.
you smiled. you loved seeing him in this much pleasure. you loved the passionate, lustful look on his face, all of it was for you.
he started moving back and forth, slowly, being really careful of each and every one of your movements, analyzing if you wanted to continue or not.
the first few thrusts were painful but eventually the pain left and absolute ecstasy took its place.
loki noticed the change in you and decided to give his thrusts more power, barely able to contain himself. he pumped in and out of your aching core at a medium rate. he wanted to go faster, harder but he stayed careful.
but you... you wanted more. you started clawing at loki's back, bringing him closer to you and leaving red scratches all over his back. you kissed his neck, his torso, leaving him the same bruises he left you earlier, though yours weren't as agressive as his. yours were small, red, but his eventually became huge purple bruises. and you had them all over your body. he started leaving you some more, on your neck, your collarbone, imitating your movements.
"more..." you pleaded.
he smirked against your skin, left you yet another passionate kiss on your lips and with that, his thrusts became harder, more agressive, much faster. you felt as if he was trying to crawl inside of you.
you both started moaning and screaming each other's names at the top of your lungs. your lover got up, detaching his torso from yours, trying to find an angle where he could go deeper inside of you. you wanted him back, missing the heat of his body. you reached out to him with your arm, but he firmly grabbed it, stopping you in your tracks. you were surprised. he looked down at you, staring at you straight in the eyes. his eyes went dark. his hand that had stopped your movement, trailed up from your hand, to you elbow and up your arm, until it reached the crook between your shoulder and your neck. his thumb drew circles over your cheek, then your chin and finally on your throat. you didn't even have the time to realise but his hand had completely wrapped itself around your throat, choking you slightly. you could still breathe completely fine, but his hand held your head in space, as his thrusts became even harder, if that was even possible.
he started panting, completely losing himself in the moment.
he bent down again, still holding your throat in his hand. he grabbed you and forced your face to be centimetres from his.
"mine." he said in a deep, grunting voice.
that word was the one that completely sent you over the edge. you could feel your walls clench around his member, your were close. you needed your release.
"loki... i'm close." you tried sighing out.
he understood you perfectly. the hand he wasn't using to choke you found its way down between your legs and started playing agressively at your clit.
"let go, baby... let go" he panted.
you couldn't hold it in anymore. you let your orgasm take control of your entire body. your legs were shaking, your hips started grinding against loki's, your hands scratched at his back even deeper, your eyes were rolling back inside your head, and your mouth gaped wide open, letting all sorts of cusses fly out of your mouth.
as you rode out your orgasm, you knew loki was close as well. seeing you in this intense state, all because of him, sent him over the edge and he knew he couldn't hold on much longer.
you started grinding your hips even more agressively, trying to meet his.
"come on, baby..." you whispered in his ear, leaving all sorts of wet kisses and hickey's all over his body.
you ran your finger through his curls, pulling at his hair.
and that's when you knew. you felt his hand grasped at your throat even tighter, making you gasp for air. he stopped moving, buried deep inside of you.
"oh my fu..." he started, moaning loudly.
you had made some research about how it would be like to have someone cum inside of you. you found out most people couldn't feel it. but you did. you felt all of it. you felt a warmth completely invade your insides, it kept coming and coming, just like earlier but this time inside of you.
loki's hand was still wrapped around your throat, holding it firmly, but as his orgasm ended, he eventually loosened his grasp.
when he finally stopped coming, as he was still buried inside you, he finally looked up at you and left a wet kiss your lips.
"i love you" he said, out of breath.
"i love you too."
loki looked down and smirked, taking his hand off your throat.
"no... don't say it like that... don't say "too"... it sounds like you're just agreeing with me. say it for real..."
you scoffed a little, thinking his request to be a little ridiculous. but you understood. you ran your fingers through his raven locks, held his head between both your hands, making him look at you.
"i love you, loki... i love you." you said softly, staring into his ocean blue eyes.
he gave you a wide smile and kissed you once more. he gave you a kiss full of love and passion.
after your kiss, he slowly pulled out of you. you felt so full, a second ago, the absence of his shaft between your legs contrasted so much with the empiness you now felt.
loki bent down again between your thighs to watch his seed run out of you. it felt yet again, never ending, but loki watched attentively.
"what a beautiful sight... may i snap a picture?" he said, jokingly.
"shut up..." you said in the same tone.
he gave you one last lick to your core and licked his lips, not minding his cum, plastered over your folds.
"i'll get a towel..." he said, leaving one last peck on your lips.
"thank you, honey..." you thanked him softly.
as you layed, completely naked on your bed, you thought.
you no longer felt restrained in your own skin, not around him at least. he made you feel seen, loved, desirable. you hated your body a little bit less, now. you might even try eating in front of people! maybe... you and loki didn't just have sex that night. you made love. he didn't just take your virginity, he made you into a better, improved version of yourself.
you were never more in love with him than in that moment.
loki came back with a light pink towel. he rose your hips up in the air and deposited it under you. he used the other end of the towel to wipe his seed off you.
once you were clean, loki got back off the bed and put the towel back in the bathroom.
he joined you in bed and wrapped his arms around you.
you felt so good. better than you had in years. with him. you felt so loved.
you didn't want to move, but you remembered you had to pee after a sexual intercourse... you read it in a blog.
you nudged loki, trying to get off the bed, but loki held you back, making it impossible for you to move.
"don't... even think about it." he said firmly under his breath.
you chuckled.
"i'm gonna get a urinary tract infection... and it's gonna be on you." you said in an accusing manner.
"darling, i'm a god... i have super powers, you're not gonna get a... whatever sort of infection you're talking about."
you scoffed, nuzzling your nose in the crook of his neck, sighing heavily.
loki left a loving kiss on the top of your head and held you tighter.
"you're mine... all mine."
+++
word count: 7395.... comment if you liked it loveys!! what was your favourite part?
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thicchaikyuuboys · 11 months ago
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EMBARRASSING SEX STORIES
Includes: Miya Atsumu, Miya Osamu, Suna Rintarou; Sakusa Kiyoomi, Iwaizumi Hajime, Oikawa Tooru,
Tw: fem reader, mentions of smut, foul language, really awkward sex moments, mentions of drugs
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MIYA ATSUMU |
— He made a bet with Suna about who could last the longest during no nut november.
— Neither one of them lasted a day but they really tried their best, like honestly but how could he deny you of sucking him off?
— You were on your knees as you wrapped your lips around the base of his cock, your throat convulsing around his length as saliva dripped down his balls and onto the locker room bench.
—“Ah shit,” he cursed upon seeing the way you took him into your mouth. Your tongue lolled over the tip of his cock before you looked at his blissed out expression.
— You pressed a kiss to the tip before pressing your tongue against the underside of his cock, your hand slowly wrapping around the base and jerking him off.
— “I knew you wouldn’t last through the bet,” you laughed.
— You felt his cock twitch in your hand, his mouth fell open as he let out a sigh, his chest heaving as he felt himself about to cum.
— “Goddamn, ‘m gonna cum, (y/n), wait-''
— When he came, his back arched forwards and he accidentally shot cum into his own EYE and SOMEHOW HE GOT IT INTO HIS MOUTH.
— He fucking gagged and let out a sqeal which left you very much ammused on the floor as you watched him trip over his boxers and sprint to the sink.
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MIYA OSAMU |
— What he thought was lube was actually scented hand lotion.
— His lips were on yours as he stroked his cock before thrusting his hips forward, a maon leaving your lips as he began rolling his hips into yours.
— Your lips were still on his as a whine left your lips, eyebrows creasing in discomfort upon feeling a slight burning sensation.
—“‘Samu,”
—“Yeah baby? You like it when I fuck you like that?”
—“‘Samu, wait it hurts-”
—“What, am I too big for you baby”
—“‘It fucking burns-”
— Osamu stilled between your legs, his eyes looking down between your thighs and his pupils were blown wide at the sight before him.
— your pussy was swollen beyond belief and red from irritation
— He pulled out and reached for the bottle on the nightstand,his lips were pressed in a thin line as he nodded his head, understanding what he just did.
—“‘Samu-’
—“This isn’t lube.” he said.
—“Huh-”
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SUNA RINTAROU |
— Suna loved watching the way your eyes would roll into their sockets each and every time you shotgunned a hit from him.
— The way he would cup your cheeks before bringing your lips to his in a smoke filled kiss always made your hands tremble in anticipation.
— The way he’d slowly kiss you was addictive, the taste of cheap weed and red bull lingering on his tongue as smoke slipped past his lips.
— It was that hazy, far away look in your eyes that he chased whenever you got high. He found that look to be comforting, that lustful gaze you gave him when you sat on his lap and slowly jerked him off.
— Only this time, he couldn't get it up. He was way too high to even comprehend what the fuck was going on.
— “Rin...what am I doing wrong-”
— “Nothing pretty girl, I swear. I swear. ‘M so high, it’s not you baby.”
— “N-no I just...do you not want to-”
— “Baby. I want to, I just can’t...get...hard. It’s not you, fuck, it’s not you my god you’re so perfect baby, so pretty. The weed. Swear. This shit...this shits bussin.”
— He’d rather have the worst case of cottonmouth than have his dick limp in your hand
— He feels so fucking bad like actually, and he’s fucking humiliated none the less like come on.
—He hated the way your expression changed to that of a child who just had their favorite toy taken away from them
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SAKUSA KIYOOMI |
— You were staying at his apartment after spending a night out with him and The Black Jackals
— He had his hand on your upper thigh the entire night, the rough pads of his fingers gently caressing the soft skin before he would lean over, his breath hot against your skin as he placed a soft kiss to the side of your neck.
— It was that look in his eyes that made you realize that he wanted to leave, that he needed you.His eyes were half lidded and lustful as he licked his lips slyly.
— The way his hand crept around your neck as you stepped past the threshold of his apartment sent a shiver down your spine as he lips caressed the skin of your neck in a sweet kiss.
— The moment he began to strip you of your clothing, his bare torso against your bare back as he pressed you against the glass wall of the shower was when you realized how much he had missed you.
— His breath was hot against your cheek as he held onto your waist, his lips pressed feather-light kisses against your bare shoulder before he pressed his hand against the glass to steady himself as he spoke
—“I miss you all the time, do you know how hard it is not being able to see you every day?”
— he slowly pushed his cock inside of you, his breath catching in his throat as you let out a high pitched moan.
— “you have no idea what I think about when I can’t have you all to myself,”
— He bucked his hips as his hands slid down to your hips, the pads of his fingers digging into the soft flesh as he began to lose himself as he felt you clench around him.
— But he could’ve sworn he saw God the moment he lost his balance, his arms wrapping around your waist for dear fucking life before HE SLIPPED AND SMACKED HIS FACE AGAIST THE GLASS.
—You smacked into the tiled wall when you slipped and fell with him, your knees getting scratched from the grout between the tiles beneath you.
— The both of you were starstruck and just stared at each other, blinking awkwardly.
— “Now I know why you never let me fuck you in the shower.”
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IWAIZUMI HAJIME |
— Oh man, horny ass mf alright? He needed you so bad, he needed to feel you.
— It had been so long since you had time with each other and the past week tensions had been high.
— The two of you had been arguing about never being able to see each other, let alone spend time with one another.
— He promised to make it up to you, and believe me= he did.
— He had your back pressed against his chest, his hand wrapped around your throat as his hips met yours in violent thrusts.
— He gripped onto the kitchen counter as he pulled out, fisting his cock as he tapped it against your clit teasingly before slowly entering your dripping hole.
— “I missed this” you moaned.
— “I know...I missed you so much.”
— he moaned. His hips snapped into yours as you met his thrusts, sobbing as his hand traveled down to rub tight circles against your clit.
— Maybe you blacked out when IT happened, but something happened.
— His dick slipped out of your pussy and you moved your hips to the side teasingly but Iwa didn’t notice that his cock was NOT ALIGNED WITH YOUR PUSSY AND HE THRUSTED FORWARD AND RAMMED HIS MF HARD DICK AGAINST THE KITCHEN COUNTER.
— Man passed tf out and genuinely thinks he has PTSD from almost breaking his dick
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OIKAWA TOORU |
— Claimed that he was a fucking prodigy when it came to beating the pussy up, but this mf don’t know shit about pleasing a woman.
— Trust.
—He frantically googles how to eat pussy like a champ and how to properly finger a girl before he even attempts to fuck you.
— He’s an awkward virgin but you’d never know that. Iwaizumi is the only one who knows that this man is a virgin.
— He hyped himself up way too much for this and the way he’s so confident in the way he talks to you HAS YOU CONVINCED that this mf KNOWS WHAT HE’S DOING.
— He fucking doesn’t but he wants to impress you SO BAD bc he thinks youre so pretty.
—Like, my guy, he wants you to be his gf so bad but he’s too scared to ask you out.
— So when he’s laying between your legs, the tip of his cock teasing your dripping wet entrance, his lips on yours in a desperate kiss
— The last thing you expected was for him to bust a nut. He didn’t even fuck you yet. He literally didn’t do ANYTHING AND HE CAME EARLY
— Literally cries afterwards and sulks in the bathroom until he’s ready to talk about it.
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Osamu header credit: @kuroowo
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mypoisonedvine · 11 months ago
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𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫 || dark!Bucky Barnes & dark!Steve Rogers x reader
summary: a little fresh air never hurt anyone, right?
word count: 10.3k (yes, OVER TEN THOUSAND WORDS OF FILTH what is wrong with me)
warnings: noncon smut (incl. anal, oral m and f receiving, dp, and spitroasting), bondage/restraint (and a gag), some mild violence, lots of slapping, pussy spanking, forced orgasms, degradation/derogatory language, kinda kidnapping, a touch of stockholm syndrome?, very brief breeding kink, period-typical sexism (this is set in the late 60s but you wouldn't really be able to tell aside from that and the lack of technology)
a/n: the song that plays on the radio, and the song that just so happens to be the title of the fic, is by john lee hooker in case anyone wants the proverbial vibes
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You needed a chance to clear your head every once in a while, that's what camping in the woods was for.  It was the perfect time of year for it, too; the leaves were changing, the woodland animals were beginning to prepare for hibernation, and the weather was almost warm with a refreshing breeze that promised to bring the winter chill soon enough.
It was far from your first time in these woods, you knew the drive like the back of your hand by now, just as well as you knew how to hike down to the best places to set up camp.  
You set down your pack and took in a deep breath of the crisp autumn air.  No sounds except for the wind in the trees, the trickle of the creek, and your own thoughts which you found pleasantly blank.  You'd chosen a spot by the creek, where you could spearfish on evenings that you felt especially adventurous, with a nice dirt patch perfect for a fire.  The most dangerous thing about camping in the fall was that the dry leaves could catch flame so easily, so one of the key stages of setting up camp was raking away any foliage from your firepit, lest it become unintentional kindling.
The next order of business was finding a few dozen smooth stones to surround the fire, along with some logs and sticks to burn.  
A knife and flint was just enough to speed up your firebuilding so that you had something solid going by nightfall, shedding your jacket to better feel the warmth as the flames grew and the sun set.
Sure, the woods could feel a little… creepy, at night, for lack of a better word, but it was more tranquil than anything.  Most of the wildlife that was so active during the day stilled and silenced, bar the occasional owl’s hoot, so the loudest sounds were the crackling of your fire and the ever-present trickle of the creek.  You heated your kettle for a cup of chamomile tea, something to help you get to sleep on the admittedly uncomfortable sleeping bag in your canvas tent.
The mug warmed your fingers as you filled and held it, and the steam warmed your face as you took a sip; but the contents warmed your chest, and your soul, as you contemplated the flavors; is it possible that tea tastes better when enjoyed in the quiet woods, mid-autumn?
You were already yawning by the time the mug was finished, so you set it aside and crawled into your tent, shedding the excessive layers and slipping between the fluffy down-stuffed layers of your bedroll.  It was chilly at first but you knew your body heat would make it toasty all too soon, so you ignored the way you shivered as you fluffed your pillow and laid it under your head.
It was dark with only the fading light of your fire seeping in through the thick-weave canvas; and it was quiet, being the middle of the forest and all.  One sound you didn’t expect were distant sirens, barely audible, which made you wonder if something had happened, but you couldn't know what so you didn't pay it much mind as you drifted to sleep.
The next morning came early, of course; as early as the sun rose, warm sunlight flooding through the canvas of your tent.
You enjoyed staying in the bed for a while, not so much because it was very comfortable (it wasn’t) but just because you wanted to relish having no need to get up yet.  No job, no cleaning, no chores… though you were pretty hungry so that inspired you to get up and see about breakfast.
Slipping on a few more layers to protect yourself from the morning breeze, you opened your tent and stepped out into the woods, finding your fire had been reduced to a pile of embers meaning that you would need to find more wood to get it going for breakfast-cooking purposes.  And that’s what you were about to do when you heard a snapping of twigs echo through the woods, making you glance up to the source of the noise.
Your back straightened instantly at the sight of two men, one with short blonde hair and the other’s dark and nearly to his shoulders, walking down the hill nearby just across the creek.  They were still pretty distant, and yet they were much too close for comfort; close enough to see that these were not men one would want to encounter while alone in the woods.
They had new clothes— baggy and loose, almost certainly stolen— but it wasn’t enough to hide where they must’ve come from.  They might as well have still been in jumpsuits with numbers on their chests.
The prison, just over five miles away.  Had they really hiked this far?  You kicked yourself now for ignoring the sirens last night.
You froze as they turned and caught your gaze, the three of you locked in a stare for a brief moment before one of them took a step forward: that was all the cause you needed to run like hell, turning on your heel and starting so fast you nearly slipped on the leaves beneath you.  You heard them call out, chasing after you, but you focused on staring ahead and trying to remember the path back home, or at least to the road where someone might drive by to help you.
A root nearly caught your foot but you kept running, hating that you could hear them gaining on you since it didn’t actually seem to help you run any faster.  You looked back and saw them much too close for comfort, but when you looked back ahead it was too late to avoid the tree right in front of you; you swerved but it still made you slip and almost fall.
But you didn’t fall.  Someone caught you, and grabbed you, and pulled you into his oppressive form.
His arms held you painfully tight as his hand covered your mouth.  "Gotcha," the man growled against your ear, licking the shell of it as you struggled against his grip.  
Everything everyone had told you about why a lady shouldn’t camp alone in the woods suddenly flashed in your mind, your eyes squinting shut as you wished you had listened.  All you could do now was kick wildly, swinging your legs in the air which didn't even do anything.
"Pretty little thing, aren't ya?” he purred as you saw the second man come into view— the blonde one, so you knew it was the one with long, dark hair that must’ve been holding you, giving you such a twisted compliment.  “Just beggin' to be fucked right."
"Don't look so scared, sweetheart, we're not gonna hurt you…” the blonde man explained, “just play nice and we will too."
"Speak for yourself, Rogers," the man holding you snarled.  "Been a long time since I got to feel a pussy, I wanna tear this little bitch up."
You sobbed and writhed as the one apparently called Rogers hushed you soothingly, trying to calm you.  "Hey, just do what we say and it won't hurt alright?  Just take it easy."
He stepped closer, reaching out towards you while you grunted and whined with every kick, smiling in a way that would’ve been soothing in nearly any other situation.  He motioned to his partner who slowly lowered his hand from your mouth, and though your instinct was to scream you just heard yourself panting and whimpering instead.
“Did you hear me?  We’re not gonna hurt you.  We haven’t even introduced ourselves yet… I’m Steve, and this here is my cellmate— uh, friend— Barnes.”
“But you can call me Bucky, dollface,” the man behind you added with a little smile that you could hear and feel with him pressing up so close to your face.
“See, he and I just came from an awful, terrible place—”
“I know where you came from,” you cut him off with a snarl.  “You’re criminals!  You’re scum!”
Bucky just laughed and held you tighter until your arms started to ache from struggling against him.  
“Hey now, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Steve corrected firmly— not angry, but stern.  “I was framed, I served seven years for something I didn’t do.  You’re innocent, too, right Barnes?”
“No,” he instantly answered, making Steve look disappointed.  “Oh, uh, sure.  Yeah, I was framed.  Real sob story,” he suddenly decided, not sounding like he was trying that hard to convince you.
“Point is, we were all alone for a long, long time, and we thought maybe you’d wanna be nice and take care of us, huh?” Steve offered.
“Fuck you,” you hissed.
“That’s sort of the idea,” Bucky whispered playfully.
“Let me go,” you demanded as Steve’s eyes widened and his nostrils flared, anger finally coming out when he suddenly grabbed your chin and held your face to look up at him.
“Let me make one thing very fucking clear,” he explained, nearly whispering so you were forced to stay still and quiet to hear him.  “You don’t get to pick what you want.  But you get to pick if you’re gonna make this easy, or difficult.”
You spat in his face; he slapped you for that, so hard that your ears rang for a moment while he grimaced and wiped his face with his sleeve.
“Difficult it is,” he announced with ill-restrained loathing, coming even closer as Bucky covered your mouth again to muffle your screams of protest.  “Buck, I’m goin’ first.”
“Fuck you, pal, I was in longer and I saw her first,” Bucky replied frustratedly.  “I’m not gonna take long anyway, you can go after me.”
“I just got spit in my face!” Steve reminded him.  “And the breakout was my idea!”
“Your idea?!” Bucky repeated incredulously.  “What, you think you’re the first guy to think ‘hey, what if we just left prison?’ because trust me, if it wasn’t for my screwdriver—”
Their argument caused Bucky’s focus to slip, that must have been why the hand on your mouth loosened and you could speak again.
"You won't get away with this, my father's a sheriff!" you yelped, interrupting their negotiation.
They both laughed darkly and you instantly regretted saying it.
"Oh, sweetheart, your old man's a cop?  That's too bad,” Steve sighed.  “You know what they say: sins of the father…"
"Fuck the daughter,” Bucky finished with a cold, hollow laugh as he suddenly bit down on your ear making you wince and shudder, tears streaming down your cheeks already.
He tossed you down and pinned you to the ground, his strong, heavy body on top of yours knocking the wind out of you as he began to tear at your clothes and, annoyingly, not seeming to find them much trouble at all.  You whimpered when you felt your pants torn down your legs, hating how exposed and vulnerable you felt, hating the undeniable fact that you couldn’t stop this.
You tried to get up when he reached down to open his belt and jeans, but Steve’s boot came down on your shoulder and held you still again.  Bucky was rushed and brutal as he pushed his pants down and pressed his cock against your ass, guiding it between your legs as you hissed and tried not to think about what was about to happen.
He pulled back briefly to spit on your hole, spreading the forced wetness with the head of his cock before suddenly pushing into you as you gasped and choked on a sob.
"Oh, that's it baby,” he groaned, “scream if you want, nobody can hear you but us."
Already he was thrusting with wild abandon, his hips slapping into your ass as his hot breath came down against your ear and neck, his face pressing yours into the cold ground.
"Fuuuuuck,” he moaned lowly, “so tight, Jesus Christ… fuckin' missed this, went almost ten years without burying my cock in a wet little cunt like this.  Shit, it's even better than I remember."
You just cried and bit down on nothing, pain making violent shivers run up your spine as the width of him split you open, pushing deeper than you’d known anything could go.
Each thrust seemed somehow rougher and deeper than the last, pushing you further past your limits, making your toes curl inside your boots.  He was unabashedly using your body, treating you with less care than some men might a blow-up doll, moaning loudly as he split you open with every moment.
So why did it almost begin to feel good, now that the worst of the pain had faded?  Why was the ridge of his cock brushing over your g-spot just right each time he moved?
He pinned more of his weight on you as he changed his angle slightly, enough to add just that much more brutality to every stroke, the loud slapping of skin echoing through the desolate trees.  You could tell he wasn’t lying about how long he’d been celibate in prison, because he fucked you with every ounce of pent-up frustration, hissing through his teeth and holding you tight enough to bruise.
Everything he did, he did enough to bruise.
“Yeah, take it, bitch,” he moaned when you made a particularly pained noise.
“I thought you said you weren’t gonna take long,” Steve remembered, staring down at the two of you from where he was leaning against a tree with his arms crossed.  
“I’m almost done, you waited this long you can wait five more minutes,” Bucky dismissed, voice a little strained as he kept fucking you.
“Just stop and give me a turn and then you can get back to it,” Steve suggested.
“Nah, no fuckin’ way,” Bucky laughed, “feels way too good to stop.  Trust me, Stevie, this pussy’s worth the wait.”
“Get her on her knees then,” Steve instructed as he came closer to you and kneeled in front of your face; Bucky manhandled your hips into place while Steve pulled your hair until you yelped and brought your head up.  “I wanna fuck this pretty little throat.”
He cut off your protests with another hard slap to your cheek, tugging your hair again as you struggled to hold yourself up on shaking arms.
“Gonna teach this mouthy bitch a lesson,” he explained as he hit you again before using one hand to open his belt and jeans.  “You know what’s gonna happen if you try to bite me, right?  I’ll just knock you out and fuck your throat anyways.  So you’d better make it good if you wanna breathe.”
You tried your best to nod with his fist tugging your hair, gasping slightly when he pulled his cock out and stroked it right in front of your face.  
“Come on, baby, open up— this is the most you’ve kept your mouth shut all day,” he laughed, tapping the swollen head of his cock on your lips until you finally opened them.  The flavor of his skin on your tongue made your lips curl in disgust but he held your jaw and pushed deeper, quickly hitting the back of your throat.  “Fuck, so warm… come on, suck it, make it good for me.”
“She’s gettin’ wet,” Bucky informed Steve with a chuckle.  “She likes it— don’t you, little whore?” he prompted as he slapped your ass suddenly, making you cry out around Steve’s length.  “You like choking on a cock like you deserve?”
You made some sort of gurgling sound, and apparently they took it as a ‘yes.’
"Aw yeah, fuck, gonna fill up this little cunt,” Bucky promised.  Funny thing is, you weren't sure if "this little cunt" meant your hole, or you.
“You’d better not, m’supposed to go after you,” Steve reminded him.
“Fuck, I dunno if I have the heart to pull out,” Bucky admitted with a laugh, slapping you on the ass to make your walls suddenly clench around him.  “I know a sweet body like this just needs to be bred.”
Your sob was louder around where Steve’s girth stretched your lips, making Bucky laugh darkly.
"Oh shit honey, what would Daddy Sherriff say if he found out you got knocked up by a couple'a criminals, huh?  By murderers?"
Steve pulled his cock out just enough to let you sob weakly before shoving back in and penetrating your throat.
"Yeah, you like it don't you?” Bucky continued to taunt you.  “You like being bred by some strangers who caught you in the woods… dirty bitch."
Steve's head fell back as he started to thrust into your mouth faster and harder, the base of his cock flexing against your tongue.  You assumed it was a sign that he was close and it made you hopeful that this would be over soon, but he suddenly pulled out with an exhausted laugh.
"Oh no you don't," he breathed, "not gonna come yet, still need to feel that tight little pussy of yours… if Bucky would hurry the fuck up."
"Fuck, I'm close, I'm close," Bucky rasped.  "Shit, babydoll, this wet cunt is gonna make me come, aren't you so proud?"
Steve held your mouth open and rubbed his cock on your tongue, occasionally shoving two fingers in with it which were salty with his sweat. 
"Fuck, fuck, fuckfuckfuck," Bucky hissed, "oh god, fuck, I'm—!"
He pulled out suddenly, rubbing his cock against your clit as his seed shot onto the ground beneath you.  You sighed with relief although you hated the way your body was actually disappointed, craving more and clenching around nothing in protest.
Bucky was hardly even finished when Steve reached under your arms to pull you up and flip you onto your back, groaning as he settled between your legs and rubbed his cock over your folds.  He didn't waste any time pushing into you, and apparently being fucked by Bucky wasn't enough to warm you up for Steve because you hissed at the sting as he filled you.
"Fuck," Steve mumbled as he grabbed your wrists and pinned them down beside your head.  Already he had begun to pull back only to spear into you again, reaching deeper inside you than Bucky had until you were gasping and choking on nothing.
Bucky stood up and stepped back, pulling his jeans up as he watched you two on the ground.
"You got any cigarettes back at camp, sweetheart?" Bucky asked you, and it was hard to focus on his question but you shook your head.  "Damn," he breathed, pondering for a moment before coming up with his next question.  "You got any candy bars?"
"Do you mind?" Steve hissed, still thrusting into you— a bit slower than Bucky but not exactly more gentle.  "We're kind of busy here."
"No, I don't particularly mind," Bucky smirked.
"Can't you just entertain yourself for a few minutes while I finish this?"
"Why should I entertain myself when I've got this pretty little thing to entertain me?" Bucky smirked, kneeling down beside you as Steve buried his face in the crook of your neck.  "Wanna help me out here, dollface?  I'm still hard…"
He freed one hand from Steve's grip and brought it up to the front of his jeans so you could feel the hard bulge there.  He opened them for you, reaching in and pulling his hard cock out to wrap your hand around it.
Feeling the thickness of it in your palm now, you couldn't imagine how it ever fit inside you.
"Yeah, that's it, I'll teach you how to stroke it right…" he groaned.  "You know how many times I had to do this to myself, just imagining claiming a little slut like you?  Your hands are so much softer, sweetheart…"
His hand tightened around yours and guided every movement, which was good because you had no chance of focusing on anything while Steve was slamming into you and moaning right by your ear.
"So wet," he whispered to you, "so warm.  All mine…"
You felt your insides grip him harder and he smiled, lips tickling your sensitive skin.
"Yeah, you like bein' mine.  You like being owned, I can feel it.  I can feel that this is exactly what you needed.  Is that what you were hoping for when you came out to these woods all by yourself?  That a big strong man would show up and stretch out this pussy?  Well I'm here now, angel, and I'm just about ready to fill you up real good."
A few more thrusts, faster and harder than ever, were enough to send Steve over the edge as you felt each pulse warm you from the inside out.  Steve groaned loudly and buried himself as deep as he could possibly go, painting his come right onto your cervix while you gasped at the sensation.
Bucky stopped moving your hand and looked down at Steve.  "Are you fucking serious— did you just come inside?"
Steve took a moment to catch his breath before answering: "duh."
"How come you get to come inside but I don't, huh?"
"Cause I went second!"
"Yeah, that's some bullshit," Bucky scoffed.
"Will you just leave now, please?" you whimpered weakly from the ground.  "You got what you wanted, now just go."
"Oh, sweetheart, we are nowhere near done with you," Steve promised, sighing as he pulled out of you slowly.
You wanted to try to get up, but your limbs were weak and numb, and your head heavy with confusion.  It made it easy for Bucky to scoop you up and carry you back the way you'd run, your tent quickly coming into view which made you realize how pitifully short your chase had been.
“Looks big enough for the three of us,” Steve noted as he tilted his head to look at your camp.
“We’re not going in yet, I think somebody needs a little creek bath first,” Bucky smiled as he started to set you down on your shaky legs.  “Go ahead and strip, doll.”
You shivered, considering resistance but deciding it wasn’t worth the trouble as you started to peel off your shirt and jacket, then your boots and slightly torn leggings.
They both smiled and watched you, Bucky snorted a little when he saw how hard your nipples were.  “It’s chilly,” you defended meekly.
“Sure it is,” he nodded, “don’t stop, get in the water when you’re done.”
You nodded slightly as you tossed the clothes aside, trying to cover yourself with your arms as you slowly walked into the stony creek, wishing the water weren’t so clear so it would cover you better.
You made a weak attempt to clean yourself, watching goosebumps cover your skin from the cool water.
"Wash yourself up good,” Bucky instructed firmly.  “I don't want any of Rogers' jizz still in you when I take that pussy again."
With a grimace, you washed between your legs and winced when your touch reawakened the sting of soreness there.
“You’re gonna have to push it out, honey, it’s real deep,” Steve grinned pridefully.
You did your best to clean up, not for Bucky’s benefit but for your own, because you hated how it felt to have Steve’s spend still within you.
“How am I supposed to dry off?” you asked nervously as you looked around, knowing you hadn’t brought a towel as you hadn’t really planned on a full creek bath during your trip.  You hadn’t planned on any of this during your trip, shockingly enough.
“You can drip dry,” Steve suggested.
“So you want me to stand naked in the cold for an hour while I dry?” you realized, irritated but still scared.
“Something like that,” Bucky confirmed.  “Unless you want us to keep you warm…”
“I’ll freeze,” you decided, stepping out of the water as Bucky snatched your clothes away to make sure you couldn’t dress.  “Gimme those!”
“Come and get ‘em,” he challenged, leaving you to huff and cross your arms, teeth chattering as the wind picked up.
You couldn’t imagine why they cared so much about testing your will when they’d already proven that they could take you however they wanted.  Perhaps it was just that they wanted to know you’d accepted that.  Better yet, they probably hoped you would participate willingly if you understood that you never had a choice.
Closing your eyes didn’t help, you could still feel their hungry gaze on you; rubbing yourself with your hands didn’t help because it just spread the cold water around on your skin, rather than actually warming you up.
It was probably less than a minute but it felt like half an hour before you relented, walking up to Bucky and looking down to avoid his stare as you meekly requested, “can I have my clothes, please?”
“But I can think of so many better ways to keep you warm,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around you, Steve moving behind you to press his chest against your back.  You sighed with relief because even this was already making you feel better,  the warmth of their bodies taking out some of the chill while their size blocked you from the wind.  You mewled, ever so quietly, when you felt Bucky’s lips on your neck, your eyes falling shut as your head fell back onto Steve’s chest.  
They showered you in gentle touches and teasing kisses as they picked you up and carried you into your tent, the small space beginning to warm quickly with the heat of three people inside— or was it just you that was getting hot from what they were doing to you.
Steve was groping your tits and pinching your hardened nipples, while Bucky focused most on sucking your neck or biting just beneath your ear.  It was overwhelming, and impossible to ignore though you wanted so desperately not to be aroused.  There were only four hands exploring your body but it might as well have been a hundred because you couldn’t tell the difference, they were touching you everywhere all at once.
"Now, are you gonna behave or do we need to tie you up?" Steve asked quietly.
You shook your head wildly, tensing up just imagining that.  "Then say it," he instructed.
"I-I'll be good," you promised weakly.
Bucky grinned and slid his hand up your thigh, and though you didn’t mean to, when Bucky reached between your legs you tried to shut them and squirm away, it was instinct.
"Ah ah ah," Steve tutted.  "You said you'd be good."
"Think we oughta tie her up," Bucky nodded, feigning disappointment.
"No, please, I'm sorry—"
"Too late for sorry, dollface," Bucky smirked, grabbing a shirt from your pack and tearing it into strips like it was no effort at all.  
Steve held your wrists together for Bucky to tie, and they even tied your legs up bent and spread wide, finishing it off with a gag in your mouth.
Now you were helpless to Bucky pinching your clit, circling it with his thick and calloused finger, applying pressure to it until your eyes watered.  At first it was exploratory, delicate, but once he’d found the most sensitive places he began to rub your clit hard and fast, laughing every time you moaned and flicking the sensitive bud to make your body jolt.
"Yeah, this little cunt's getting all wet, y'like having your pussy played with?" he smirked.
He accentuated his question with a few sudden spanks to your clit that made you jerk and yelp.  The worst thing was that each slap made a wet sound that made you sure you were soaking by now.
“I know you want it so bad, don’t worry doll, I’m not gonna make you wait anymore…”
He caged you in and opened his jeans one more time, the process going much more quickly since he didn’t have to hold you down— you could squirm and cry, but that was about it.  
With a little grunt, he pushed into you, and with how wet you were it actually went it much more easily.  It was by no means painless though, especially since he was already moving and giving you no time to adjust.
"Yeah, that's better," he sighed, grinning as he watched you whine into the gag.  "Now I can really take my time with you, show you how good I can make you feel."
He was certainly more relaxed than the first time, his pace measured and calculated as he made sure his hips met with yours fully at the end of each stroke.  His width wasn’t as challenging in this position but his length certainly was, bumping into your sore and delicate cervix until you were forced to bite down onto the gag to cope.
But, in spite of the pain, or perhaps because of it, something deep and strong was forming inside you, tightening and twisting until it took all your effort not to let it spill forth.
He reached down and roughly rubbed your clit again, forcing a muffled scream from your throat as he grinned down at you.  “Close already, huh?  Good to know I haven’t lost my touch after all these years.”
You almost heard Steve scoff beside you, but it was hard to hear anything when your ears felt like they were full of cotton, only your own echoing heartbeat ringing louder than anything else.
"Yeah, I wanna feel you fuckin' come,” Bucky growled.  “Bet you get even tighter every time."
As much as you wished not to, you fell over the edge, back arching until your chest bumped into Bucky’s where he hovered above you.  He coaxed you along in his words and movements, your walls clenching in a nonsensical rhythm.  More than anything you just wished he would stop moving so you could catch your breath, but his pace never faltered and it felt like you’d never stop coming if he never stopped fucking you.
“That’s it, good fucking girl,” he groaned, “makin’ you feel so good, aren’t I?  Answer me.”
You hesitated, and sniffled, but finally nodded.
Even worse, your clit was so swollen now that he didn’t even need to rub it with his thumb anymore; his cock rubbed against it with each movement, the ridges of his shaft massaging you there until it felt like every part of your body had become the most sensitive place possible.  You shook violently beneath him, each wave of pleasure stronger than the last until you felt like you had lost all sense of time, and space, and really anything that wasn’t being fucked in this tent like the fate of the world depended on it.
"Get outta the tent, Steve,” Bucky instructed suddenly.
"Why?" Steve protested with a scoff.
"I can't come with you starin' at me!"
"I'm not looking at you, dumbass,” he sneered, “I'm lookin’ at her.  So pretty when she cries…"
"Whatever, either way, just go outside please?" 
Clearly irritated but relenting anyways, Steve grunted under his breath as he got up, stepping unceremoniously over both of you.  Bucky sighed with relief when Steve zipped the tent flap shut behind him, turning his attention back to you.  “That’s better, isn’t it?  Just me and you… way it oughta be.”
“I heard that!” Steve called from outside.
“Then stop listening!” Bucky suggested through his teeth before leaning down to whisper in your ear, holding your hips tight so he could fuck you harder than ever.  "I don't give a fuck what he says, I'm coming in you this time.  Not pulling out until I know every drop is in you, wanna see this pussy stuffed to the brim with my come… you want it too, huh?”
Another electrifying pulse inside you made your channel flutter around him, and how cruel that the moan he made actually turned you on more.
"Fuck, that's it, squeeze my fuckin' dick, honey.  Wanna milk all the come outta my cock, don't you?"
You nodded again, hearing him moan in that perfect way one more time before you started to feel him pulse and swell within you, streams of hot come pouring into you.  The amount was pretty impressive since he’d already come once, although you didn’t exactly feel ‘impressed,’ so much as horrified and confused.  And numb, from coming so many times.
Bucky smiled down at you with an exhausted sigh, smacking you lightly on the face a few times to try to rouse you from your blissed-out state, but all you could do was hum sleepily into the gag.
“M’gonna untie you now, you’re too out of it to try anything,” he explained, releasing the gag first before working on your wrists and your legs.  A rush of warm come oozed out of your abused hole when he pulled back, making your face heat up as he smiled and held your legs up to see it better.  “Yeah, filled you up real nice,” he informed you.  He gave a reassuring pat to your thigh before getting up and getting out of the tent, leaving you to stare blankly into nothingness for a while.
Eventually, you knew you had to face the world again, though you were more sure than ever that you weren’t prepared for it.  Grabbing a blanket from the floor of the tent and covering yourself with it, you took a slow breath to try to stabilize yourself.
For how slow time seemed to have passed so far, you were surprised to see the sun setting when you opened the tent flap and stepped outside.  You realized, with a sick feeling in your chest, that they had been using you nearly all day now.  And considering they were waiting for you around the fire, giving you a glance up and down as you emerged from the tent, they still might not stop for a while.
In fact, they’d made themselves very comfortable from the looks of it.  The fire was burning stronger than ever, three logs positioned around the sides of the firepit to sit on; a pot was over the fire, and you recognized the contents as some of the food supplies from your pack.  Best of all, Steve had found your battery radio and adjusted the station, blues quietly playing from the speaker as he used your hunting knife to whittle a stick.
Serves you right to suffer, the smooth voice crooned from the broadcast, serves you right to be alone...
For a moment, the three of you sat in silence as you took in the scene.  But when the wind changed and the heat of the fire no longer reached you, you remembered you had business to attend to.  
“C-Can I have my clothes back now?” you asked Bucky quietly, seeing them draped over the side of one of the logs.
“I think if you get dressed you’ll try to run again,” Steve mumbled, not even looking up at you.
“No, I won’t, I’m too tired,” you explained.  “I just don’t want to be cold.”
“Fire’s hot enough,” Bucky dismissed.  “Why don’t you just lay down a while, hm?  Get some rest.  You earned it.”
You weren’t just tired physically, but mentally, which is partly why you didn’t put up more of a fight before going over to the log and laying beside it, the blanket around you protecting you from the cold ground while you used your clothes as a sort of pillow on the log.
It couldn’t have been that you were asleep, because you could still hear the fire and the radio and Steve’s whittling (a constant reminder that he had a knife), but with your eyes closed and the darkness getting darker it was almost like sleep.  A draining, restless sleep that did nothing to shelter you from the memories of what you’d become.
So, you opened your eyes, staring into the flames instead and venturing the occasional glance at Bucky or Steve; the former always met your stare, the latter would only look up if a sound got his attention.
“You gonna take a turn?” Bucky asked Steve casually, motioning to you by cocking his head.
“Not yet, need a while to... you know, build up some energy,” Steve explained.
“Mind if I have another go then?”
“She’s all yours,” Steve approved, making Bucky grin as he got up and circled the log you were slumped over.  
“Y’hear that, dollface?  All mine,” he cooed, picking you up and adjusting you until you were bent over the log, facing Steve and the fire.  Your clothes kept your naked torso from rubbing against the bark, thankfully, but nothing could spare you from Bucky’s incessant touch, running up your back, over your butt which he spanked a few times for good measure, and finally to your entrance which he pushed two fingers into first.  “Mm, we stretched you out pretty good… you’ll be back in shape by the mornin’, but until then, I just slide right in…”
And he proved himself right with one long stroke that pushed his cock to the deepest parts of you, pushing your hips forward into the log as you tried your best to keep your breathing steady.
He was uniquely quiet this time, still moaning and grunting occasionally but otherwise sparing you from the constant taunts and filthy whispers.  Steve, meanwhile, was doing his best to look unaffected, but the subtle adjustment of his legs along with the increased vigor of his carving made it clear he was distracted by the sight in front of him.
Bucky’s strong hands on your hips were sure to leave marks, fingertips digging into your curves and pulling you back onto him, spearing you on his length.
“Yeah, that’s it,” he sighed, “gonna come.”
And it was actually a relief because this was going to end (for now), which was definitely the only reason you moaned in response.  He got more talkative after that, smacking you on the ass a few more times as he chuckled darkly behind you. 
“Fuck, take it, doll… take all my fuckin’ come.”
It was sort of a meaningless instruction, since you had to, but he seemed to enjoy reminding you that he was about to take his pleasure from your body one more time.  He made a weak little moaning noise, almost pained, as he filled you once again, slumping down on top of you and for the first time really showing signs of exhaustion after coming three times in a day.  You were so out of it that you hardly noticed his weight on you, or the little kisses he gave to your ear, whispering praises that tried your best not to hear.  
He pulled out and came back around to look at your face again, pulling you up slightly by your hair so you looked up at him.
“Such a good fuckin’ girl,” he groaned.  “Open your mouth sweetheart,” he instructed, spitting onto your tongue as soon as you’d done it, then lifting your jaw to make you close your mouth and swallow.
He tugged your hair harder before he kissed you, more possessive than affectionate, but unexpected regardless.  His tongue tangled with yours as he reached down to circle his hand around your neck, feeling your pulse but not going so far as to choke you.
A little groan from Steve caught both his attention and yours.  "You wanna fuck her, Stevie?"
"Oh god, I want that ass, I want that fuckin ass," he answered through his teeth, making you gulp as Bucky laughed.
"Go for it, man," he encouraged, and only a second after he stood up you both heard and felt Steve appear behind you, one calloused hand spreading your cheeks; you whimpered from embarrassment when you felt a finger circle your tight rim, before slowly pushing in.
"Fuck," you whispered, and it sounded much more like a curse of pleasure than you intended.
"Yeah, you want it don't you?" he asked through his teeth, giving you a hard spank that made you cry out.  Bucky slapped you when you didn't answer, grabbing your jaw roughly.
"He asked you a question," he reminded you firmly, the sound of Steve spitting into his hand and coating your hole and his length distracting you slightly.
"Yes, yes, I want it!" you sobbed.
"Where?"
"In my ass!"
Your body put up significant resistance against his swollen head, but it was no match for his rough thrust forward, the tip of him popping inside and stretching you painfully.  You bit your lip but it was impossible to stay quiet when he slid the rest of the way in.
You cried out as he moaned with satisfaction, already moving so much faster than you could handle (which, to be fair, was a low bar).
"Oh my god," he breathed.  "So fuckin' tight…"
The pain was sharp, and it felt like the base of his cock was impossibly thicker than the rest of him since you whined every time he pushed in.
"Aw, does it hurt baby?  That's my cock ruining your little hole, sweetheart…"
"Stop," you rasped, "please… please stop…"
"Nah, I think you like it… I think what you really needed was just to be put in your place, fucked in every hole so you know exactly what you're meant for."
Bucky appeared in front of you again, stroking himself in front of your face, still slick from behind inside you.
"See what a mess you made on my cock, dollface?  I think you need to help me clean it up," he groaned, holding your jaw open to stuff his cock into your mouth and stifle your sobs.  The taste of your and his come was potent and musky on your tongue, his head pushing right into your open throat when you tried to gag.
Steve held you tighter as he thrusted a bit more vigorously, Bucky simultaneously using your throat as he stroked your hair and cheek.  
You couldn’t remember how to do anything but just take it now.  At times their paces synchronized and you felt like you were being filled to the brim at both ends.  Other times they were in a syncopation where one pushed in just as the other pulled out, meaning you had no real breaks at all.
Bucky was too weak to come again, that much was obvious, but he was happy to choke you anyways; and Steve, well, Steve was moaning more now than he had from your mouth or pussy, apparently trying to hold himself back even though he had no reason to try to prolong this— unless he actually wanted to see you in pain more than he wanted to finish?
“You want me to come in your ass?” Steve interrogated you with a spank to your thigh.  “Beg for it.”
You shook your head around the length in your mouth.
“It doesn’t stop until you beg me for it, isn’t that what you want?  You want it to stop, right?”
Had you really fallen into his trap that easily?  
Bucky pulled back to give you the opportunity to meet Steve’s request, and you sucked in a lungful of air before finally whimpering: “Please, Steve… please come…”
“Where?” he pressed, ever-determined to make you remind him where he was fucking you.
“Please come in my ass…”
“If you say so, sweetheart,” he snickered before starting to thrust faster and more erratically, chasing his peak which you prayed was close.  It was, thankfully, though never close enough, and you forgot that the swell of his pulsating cock would stretch your tired hole even wider.
And, you forgot that he had no reason to pull out just because he’d come.
“Fuck,” he groaned, “that was good.”
You tried to kick him away but it was impossible with how hard he’d pinned you down to the log.
“Just stay still and keep my cock warm in this pretty ass of yours, alright?” he instructed, all the while Bucky stared down at you with a satisfied smirk on his face, combing your hair a bit with his fingers.
“You’re tired, huh?” he noticed.  “We’ll get you to bed soon.”
“Will you leave?” you instantly returned.
“We need somewhere to make camp for the night, too.  And since there’s already a perfectly good camp right here…”
“No,” you whined, “no, you’re never gonna leave me alone, are you?”
“We’ll talk about it in the morning, alright?” he offered.
//
It was truly a testament to how physically exhausted you were that you managed to fall asleep squished between your two personal monsters.
Bucky was behind you, essentially spooning you while Steve had an arm draped over your chest.  And even with the heavy weight on you, physical and metaphysical, you would’ve slept through the night easily if it weren’t for the feeling of Steve running his hands over your body, groping you wherever he could reach.
You opened your eyes but it was still pitch darkness, giving you no distraction from the physical sensations of Steve's fingers delicately grazing over your skin.  Behind you, the quiet stability of Bucky’s breathing made it clear he was still asleep and unaware.
“Steve,” you whispered hoarsely.
“Shh,” he soothed below his breath, right by your ear.  “He sleeps like a rock, we’re not gonna wake him up with a little fooling around.”  
Amazingly enough, that wasn’t exactly what you were worried about.  But you discontinued your dissent as he lightly suckled the lobe of your ear, fingers tracing abstract shapes over your hip.  You heard your own breath catch, and he must have too because he smiled and nibbled on your neck.
You shivered when he started to pull you closer, laying you back to reach between your legs and toy with your overly-sensitive folds.  His fingers found your clit and rubbed it in slow circles, making you writhe and jolt as shocks of pleasure shot through you.
“So sensitive,” he praised darkly, pushing against you harder.  “Gettin’ wet, honey?  Want you dripping before I put my cock in you.”
Bucky stirred beside you, pulling you closer in his sleep though Steve kept a strong hold on your lower half.  It was nearly claustrophobic being sandwiched between them like this, made even worse when Steve adjusted your hips and you felt his cock rub against you.
“Tell me you want it,” he whispered in your ear, cradling your face in his large, rough hands.
“I— I want it,” you whispered back, biting your lip to stay quiet when he pushed in.  You were still sore, but the wetness helped ease his way as he filled you to the brim, groaning softly and thrusting much more gently than you expected.  It was all very relaxed, and languid, and… sleepy.  It was so much easier to pretend that you wanted this when it was gentle and patient like this, when you couldn’t see his face
“You two got started without me?” Bucky interjected, making you both gasp.   
"You seemed pretty busy snoring over there," Steve explained with an unamused tone.  “You know, Barnes, I actually broke out of prison so I wouldn’t have to sleep in the same room as you for the rest of my life.”
“Leave if you want, Rogers, I’ll keep the girl and you can take her battery radio, ya limpdick.”
“Limpdick?  Were you not here for the past twenty-four hours?” 
“Yeah, I was fucking this sweet little thing while you were out there by the fire doing your arts and crafts.”
And just like that, your sweet and gentle sex was gone; Steve was determined to claim you now, fucking you harder and faster until you couldn’t hold back your broken moans.  "Yeah, you like that?" he growled against your ear.  "You like gettin' fucked?  Say it."
"Y-yes, I like it," you gasped.
"We're gonna be on the run for a while…" Bucky mumbled against your skin as he kissed your shoulder, "sure wouldn't mind takin' you with us, keeping our own little pet to fuck whenever we want."
You tried not to stop breathing entirely when he said that, distracted by Steve slowing down slightly, offering some reprieve.
"Been so long without touchin' a woman," Steve added huskily, "I don't know if one day is enough."
"Yeah, plus we've already got you obedient, trained, fucked braindead and full of come," Bucky replied, biting down on your skin to make you whimper and he chuckled happily.
"Are you sure you can share, Barnes?" Steve pressed.  "I know if you had it your way she'd be ripped to shreds by now."
"Whatever man, you're the one who tore her ass up."
Steve scoffed slightly, while Bucky continued.
"You wanna come with us sweetheart?  We'll be real good to you, keep your holes wet and full for a couple months straight at least.  You won't have to worry about a thing, won't have to lift a finger, just keep your legs spread and you'll be peachy."
"Hey, that's what we'll call you: Peach," Steve decided.  "It's perfect, isn't it?  'Cause you're sweet… and soft… and I could just eat you up," he purred.
"Wanna be our girl, Peach?" Bucky prompted.
"No, please…"
You expected anger, you expected them to hurt you, but you didn't expect them to laugh.  "Looks like our sweet little Peach hasn't had a chance to realize how good it's gonna be with us," Steve announced.  
"Yeah, let's show her how much she wants to be our girl," Bucky snickered, holding your hips as Steve started to move inside you again.
Bucky, meanwhile, was grabbing handfuls of your ass and groaning as he rubbed his cock against you.  One finger explored your rim and slowly pushed in.
"Looks like you're still a little loosened up from when Stevie here gave it to you, huh?  He was real mean, wasn't he?"
You nodded, clutching harder into Steve's chest as he fucked you faster.
"Then taking me should be a breeze."
Truly, you had no idea how this was possible.  I'm the dark it all felt like a fever dream, but when Bucky pushed into your available opening while Steve was still fucking you… it was definitely real, the feeling was too overwhelming not to be.
'A breeze' was definitely an exaggeration but it was undeniably easier, especially since being half-asleep made your body so much more relaxed.  You still hissed when Bucky's hips met your ass, you still choked on a breath at the feeling of two cocks buried all the way inside you, but it wasn't from pain as much as being full beyond your wildest dreams
"You were right about this ass, Rogers, goddamn…" Bucky moaned, holding your hips tight and beginning to thrust.
"Fuck, can hardly believe you're takin' both of us," Steve sighed against your ear.  "I know you love it, Peach, I know you love bein' so full…"
Your lips fumbled with the desire to moan a name but not sure whose to say; so instead you just babbled mindlessly, sounded just as dumbfounded as you felt.
But they weren't having any problems speaking, in fact they were more talkative than ever, each whispering in a different ear and making shivers crawl up your spine with every word.
"You're making us feel so good, such a good girl, aren't you Peachy baby?"
"Such a perfect fucking whore, so wet already just from being used."
"Want us to come inside, huh Peach?  Wanna be full of come?”
Each time you arched your back, it only somehow pushed them both deeper, so deep you couldn’t think about anything else anymore.  Bucky was moving at a much slower pace than Steve, such that they would only occasionally thrust all the way in at exactly the same time— and when they did, you heard yourself moan but refused to believe it was you making the sound because it sounded nothing like you, it didn’t even seem like something you would do; enjoying this that much, that is.
“You’re close, huh?  Gonna come for both of us?”
You found yourself nodding, even though they couldn’t see it, but Bucky must have felt it against his shoulder because he laughed a little, grabbing your face and turning you back to kiss you hungrily.  When he moved his kiss down to the back of your neck, Steve captured your lips instead, less dominating than Bucky’s but no less intense.  The moan that undeniably signalled your orgasm was nearly lost against Steve’s tongue, but they both heard it and began to pump into you faster, keeping you suspended in your pleasure.
Steve lost it first, spilling into you with a choked groan and a tight grip on your arms that was sure to bruise.  Bucky was close behind, panting with each hurried thrust until he finally moaned and filled your ass with ropes of hot come, a sensation you never could’ve imagined, let alone predicted you would experience twice in one day.
Bucky rubbed your thighs while he caught his breath while Steve peppered your face in tender kisses, both of them showering you in affection you had no idea how to handle.
“Whaddaya say, dollface?” Bucky prompted as he kissed just beneath your ear.  “Y’like bein’ our little Peach, don’t you?”
You stammered over a few different responses, none of them very good, until Steve finally instructed you: “say yes.”
“Yes,” you repeated instantly.
“I can tell you do, you soaked my cock real good,” Steve praised with a grin you could feel against your cheek and hear in his gravelly voice.  “We’ll head out in the morning, alright?  Soon we’ll be somewhere where nobody knows who we are, what we’ve done… doesn’t that sound nice, Peach?  A chance to start over?”
A fresh start never hurt anyone, right?
//
Months on the run made the night all blend together, you didn’t even know what state you were in anymore and you couldn’t find the energy to care.
It was definitely harder to hitchhike with three people, and a disturbing amount of truckers offered to take you alone but not your companions— and obviously they would never allow such a thing.  At this point, you were better off with the devils you knew, anyways.  At least with them you knew what to expect.
Specifically, you could expect Steve to be aloof and brooding until he occasionally snapped and became possessive over you again, asserting his dominance over you and Bucky however he could manage— usually by covering your body in his marks and every once in a while by covering your face with his come.  You could expect Bucky to taunt and mock you, cornering you into consenting to his relentless barrage of pleasure and pain, over and over again watching you struggle to maintain your sense of denial and disgust, reminding you that you loved being fucked just how he wanted.
In fact, today was a pretty typical day while the three of you crashed in a motel, Steve staying silent and distant while Bucky kissed his way down your stomach that rose and fell shakily with each breath.
“Bucky, p-please,” you whispered, closing your eyes so you could more easily pretend it wasn’t you begging him for more.
"What's that, Peach?  Want me to lick up your juice?" he grinned.
You shuddered and he chuckled as he knelt down between your legs to give a long, slow lick over your sex.  Your entire body jolted when his rough tongue slid over your swollen clit, so he focused there until your legs were quivering and your head fell back.  
"Mm, so sweet…” he cooed.  “Come getta taste a’this, Steve.”
“I’m busy,” Steve refused, turning the page of his newspaper.
“Are you fuckin’ serious?” Bucky sighed, standing up straighter and leaving your pussy ignored; you whined a little, but it fell on deaf ears.  “I’d love to see what you’re reading that could possibly be more interesting than this.”
“There’s an article about us,” Steve answered sternly, looking up from the paper to meet Bucky’s gaze, before glancing to look at you.  “All three of us.”
Bucky huffed and stood up, leaving you naked on the bed as he crossed the room to tear the paper from Steve’s hands.  His eyes scanned the page until he landed on the part Steve must have been referring to.  “Holy shit,” he breathed.  “Look, Peach, you made the papers!”
He brought over the article for you to read, and you sat up straighter when you saw that a photo of yourself had been included alongside the mugshots of Steve and Bucky.
Two escaped prisoners, one missing woman, spotted in woods near Schenectady, NY...
“When is this from?” you asked nervously.
“The paper’s from today, but we were in Schenectady two weeks ago,” Steve explained.  “They aren’t anywhere near us.”
It brought back memories of TV broadcasts you’d seen in hotels, radio news Steve had turned off before you heard too much.  Phrases like ‘statewide manhunt,’ ‘federal investigation,’ and ‘trafficked woman,’ which had once been foreign to you, now represented your deepest anxieties.
Bucky saw the fear on your face and knelt down on the bed beside you, stroking your face gently.  “Aw, Peach, don’t be scared… they’re not gonna find us, I promise.”
“If they did… what would happen to me?” you asked weakly.  You truly had no idea if you’d be returned home and treated as the victim of a crime, or if you’d be arrested and charged as a perpetrator, as a collaborator who aided in the escape and continued flee of two violent criminals.  They’d already gotten you in on a few robberies, even one bank— could you defend yourself by saying that you were forced to do it?  
“Nobody’s gonna take you away from us,” Bucky assured sternly, not quite answering your question but making it clear that was all you were gonna get.  You reached up to rest your hand atop his where it held your cheek, letting your watery eyes fall shut before you looked back up into his enrapturing gaze again.
“Kiss me, Bucky, please,” you whispered, making him laugh and shake his head.
“No, Peachy, I would but I know where that mouth has been.  Steve woke you up in the middle of the night to choke on his cock, thought I wouldn’t hear, huh?”
You gasped a little and Steve crossed his arms where he sat in the chair.  Bucky turned his attention back to Steve with a look of challenge on his face.  “She’s scared, Stevie, won’t you come over here and make her feel better?”
Steve sighed but relented and stood up, crossing the room to stand beside the bed and stare down at you.  For a moment you didn’t know what he intended to do, until he knelt down and grabbed your hips, pulled your spread legs closer to the edge of the bed where he latched his lips onto your slick and swollen folds.
“Oh god,” you moaned, reaching down to tangle your fingers into his hair, his tongue pushing inside you right away, twisting and thrusting and licking right over your g-spot until your eyes rolled back in your head and your back arched up off the faded quilt.  Bucky grinned as he watched you, leaning down to kiss your neck, then suckle on a hardened nipple, then lick over your hips until finally he bit down on the inside of your thigh.  You yelped a little and felt him smile against your delicate skin.
“I told you we’d take care of you, babydoll,” he mumbled, voice all deep and throaty like it got when he was about to spend an hour reminding you who you belonged to.
Sometimes you dreamed of the life you had before this, of the person you were when you only belonged to yourself, but that life was gone forever and it wasn’t coming back.  Each day you mourned it in a different way.  At first it was just the loss of dignity, then it was the loss at any chance of gaining that dignity back.  You missed your friends and family, but you realized they wouldn’t welcome you back with open arms after this long.
You realized it was well and truly over the first time a man on the news called you an accomplice to the ‘rampant crime spree’ of Bucky and Steve.  Just a few weeks later, the stories changed from two prisoners and their kidnapping victim, to three prisoners.  And yes, you were a prisoner, but the police didn’t see a difference between you and them anymore.  You had no reason to run, no motive for escape.  They were the only thing keeping you alive and free now, even if this freedom wasn’t exactly overflowing with liberties.
So, you accepted as quickly as you could that this was your new life; every morning you banished the memories of who you used to be, and every night you prayed that your lovers wouldn’t be caught.  And it wasn’t so bad of a life to have, even if it wasn’t the life you would’ve chosen for yourself— there was something nice about it, really, never very calm but still having its moments of peace and domesticity.  Like falling asleep in the backseat of a stolen truck while Steve played blues on the radio.  Like sitting in Bucky’s lap as he told you all about the beautiful tropical islands they’d take you to someday.  Like when Steve robbed a jewelry store and told you he’d picked that one because they had the ring he’d seen in a magazine ad, the ring he decided he wanted you to wear from now on.  Like being Mrs. Barnes when Bucky introduced you to his criminal connections, and being Mrs. Rogers when Steve did the same the next night.
Maybe you’d forgotten how to be anything else but their sweet, quiet, obedient Peach, but maybe it wasn’t such a bad wrap after all.
2K notes · View notes
babyboibucky · 9 months ago
Text
The Match - Part 3
Pairing: CEO!Bucky Barnes x Reader
Summary: Bucky’s becoming extra horny around you in the office.
Word Count: 2,697
Warnings: still smut, boss x employee affair, unprotected sex everywhere, hints at misogyny???
A/N: And a mini series was born 😂 no but honestly, I didn’t expect for parts 1 and 2 of The Match to receive such amazing feedback 😭 I really enjoy reading everyone’s reaction to this series and trust me, all comments keep giving me ideas. Thank you all so much!!!!!!! 😘😘😘 and btw, this part isn’t their promotion “celebration” because that will have a chapter on its own. Long story short, that will be pure porn with no plot at all so stay tuned for that 😂
The Match Masterlist || MAIN MASTERLIST
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It’s been a rollercoaster ride since you matched with James— Bucky, on Tinder. Maybe not a literal rollercoaster ride but with how Bucky had you bouncing on his cock as he sat on the couch, or that one time he asked you to sit on his face inside his car, it was a ride nonetheless and an exhilarating one at that.
Despite your relationship with him, the both of you surprisingly managed to keep things professional when there was work involved. Of course there were times when quickies in the office took place, given that Bucky was fucking insatiable (let’s all admit it, so were you). Work was work and you excelled at being the head of your department, but once office hours are over, you excelled more at giving Bucky head.
Oftentimes you found yourself worrying about getting caught. You’ve always been careful but lately, Bucky seemed to be slipping up. He just couldn’t seem to get his hands off of you and he was becoming more and more obvious. You were pretty good at being discreet but sometimes, it was hard not to react to Bucky when he would look at you with a naughty glint in his eyes, a smug smirk tugging at his lips as he watched you present. He’d tilt his head sometimes as he looked at you, lifting a brow as he smirked whenever he was impressed.
You ended up stuttering when he gave you that look one time. It was proud and it made your chest swell and your pussy throb. He rewarded you that night in his office by making you cum on his face twice.
That look was going to be the death of you and he was giving it to you now as you entered the conference room for the monthly mancom meeting. Bucky eyed you as you went around the desk, lifting a brow and pulling the empty chair next to him, commanding you to sit beside him without having to say a word.
You cleared your throat and pulled the chair, noticing how Bucky eyed your ass before you sat down.
“Is everyone here?” He asked after ogling your backside for a good five seconds.
All the department heads affirmed their attendance and soon enough, the meeting began with the HR manager reporting first. Lights were shut off and as soon as the report was projected onto the wall, Bucky began his little game. You were paying attention to the slides being presented until you felt Bucky’s foot nudge your ankle, hooking around it to slightly open up your legs.
You side-eyed him and subtly shook your head. He had never done this in public, at least, not during meetings. So you weren’t sure why he was being so frisky now, placing a hand on your thigh. You grabbed his hand and moved it away gently before slightly moving your seat away from Bucky, crossing your legs in the process.
“What do you think Mister Barnes?” The HR manager asked.
All heads turned towards Bucky, who obviously wasn’t paying attention provided that his hand was trying to sneak back onto your thigh. He cleared his throat and straightened up on his seat, fixing his tie before pursing his lips.
“I’m sorry, can you please repeat that?” He asked and you fought the urge to snort.
“I was wondering if we can hold another seminar about workplace etiquette.” She said.
Bucky hummed, “Do we have problematic employees?” He asked curiously.
The HR manager sighed, a blush creeping up to her face. “There have been rumors going around the office about employees engaging in...lewd acts within the workplace. I thought that we should revisit the topic about workplace code of ethics.” She explained.
You ended up in a coughing fit, quickly apologizing and reasoning out that you were having allergies today. Bucky tensed in his seat but managed to remain calm. He stole a quick glance at you before turning back to the HR manager.
“And have we identified these employees?” He asked, rubbing a hand on his chin. A nervous habit of his, you noticed.
This was what you have been worrying about! Bucky has been fucking you around the office and now everyone was catching on to it. And although you wanted to blame Bucky for this, you knew you were just as much to blame. Damn you and your hormones!
The HR manager shook her head, much to your and Bucky’s relief. “No sir, but some employees have been noticing and hearing things, especially after office hours. Janet for instance, filed a report last week about hearing hushed whispers from the pantry, followed by the creaking sound of the table. The following day, shards of someone’s mug were found in the trash. There was an assumption that there might be employees behaving inappropriately.”
“Oh my god, I’m close. Bucky I’m—“
Bucky’s hand clamped around your mouth as he shushed you, hearing footsteps approach the pantry. You stilled as you nervously watched shadows move beneath the door, but of course, this didn’t stop Bucky from snapping his hips against yours.
His thrusts were slow and languid, but he slammed back in with such force that made the pantry table scratch against the floor. Once the footsteps faded, Bucky wasted no time to get back to fucking you. He lifted your legs up and rested the back of your ankles against his shoulders, slightly bending down over you so he can angle his cock to perfectly hit that one sweet spot.
A single, powerful thrust sent you reeling, your hands finding purchase on the sides of the table.
“Cum, baby. Cum.” Bucky growled.
Another thrust made you gasp out loud, feeling the head of Bucky’s cock nudge against your cervix. One hand reached for his bicep, your nails digging into his dress shirt while the other reached back for the edge of the table only to knock off the mug resting on top.
You made a face when you heard it crash against the floor. The mug was soon forgotten when Bucky leaned down to kiss you, his tongue sliding into your mouth as his hand reached down to rub your clit.
You wiped the sweat on your forehead upon remembering that incident. Fucking Janet just had to file a report. It was after office hours, for fuck’s sake! Who cares what employees do after their shift?!
“I see.” Bucky responded, fixing his suit. “Okay. I approve of the seminar. Who’s next?” He asked, quickly changing the topic as if it was no big deal.
The head of the Finance department began with his presentation and just like that, Bucky returned his hand on top of your thigh, prying your legs open. You turned to him with a look of disbelief on your face. He was acting as if there wasn’t any close call earlier. You couldn’t believe this man, sure he was hot as hell, but you weren’t giving in to him. Not today, not when the both of you were almost caught.
The entire mancom meeting was pretty eventful, with Bucky teasing your legs with his hand despite your half-hearted protests. You hated how Bucky was able to familiarize himself with your body and how it reacted to him. Your eyes might be saying no but with how your legs eventually spread on their own, Bucky knew you were desperate for him too.
-
It was an hour past your shift when you received an e-mail from Bucky with the subject being “Report”. Thinking it was one his follow-up e-mails (Bucky is an impatient man when it comes to the submission of reports and you weren’t an exception) you opened it immediately and choked on your spit when a photo of his dick showed up on your desktop. You started clicking around in an attempt to close his e-mail, but instead of hitting the “x” button, you ended up maximizing the window instead.
“Jesus fucking christ!” You cursed and covered your monitor with your hands as you frantically looked around the office.
It was like a fucking jump scare, like one of those computer pranks asking you to concentrate on a dot before a scary photo would pop out. Except that it was Bucky’s dick that appeared. A dick scare.
Fortunately, you were the only one left in your area since pretty much everyone else scrambled out of the office as soon as work hours were over. It was a Friday after all.
You sighed in relief and quickly scrolled down to see the message beneath the photo of Bucky’s dick.
Need you in my office in ten.
P.S. Bring the report I asked from you the other day.
Best,
Bucky Barnes
Who sends an unsolicited dick pic through e-mail followed by a work reminder? And the signature? It was the cherry on top. Bucky Barnes was something else. Sweet jesus, you really couldn’t believe this man.
Grabbing your report, you marched your way to the elevator and headed up to Bucky’s office. Seeing that his floor was empty, you didn’t even bother knocking on his door and simply barged in.
“I can’t belie— what the fuck?” You called out when you were welcomed with the sight of Bucky leaning back on his chair, his cock out for the world to see as he gently stroked it.
“Need your pretty mouth around my cock, baby.” Bucky cooed with half-lidded eyes.
You huffed out a humorless laugh and shook your head, “I’m not sucking your cock, Bucky.” You refused and walked over to his table, slamming your report on top of it before walking away, but not before stealing another look at his majestic cock.
“Are you mad?” Bucky asked but he was smirking with amusement. He was giving you that look again but you were having none of it tonight.
You stood in front of his desk, keeping a safe distance away from him. Crossing your arms over your chest, you scowled at Bucky and tried your best not to let your eyes fall down to his cock again. Which by the way, he continued to stroke.
“For someone as smart as you, I can’t believe you’re so fucking dense.” You said with irritation when Bucky didn’t seem to understand why you were agitated.
He licked his lips, bucking up his hips when he squeezed the base of his cock. Bucky let out a delicious grunt as he continued to stroke himself. As much as you were salivating at the sight of Bucky’s cock— tip red and swollen, begging to be sucked— you didn’t want to give in.
“You’re fucking priceless, James.” You said, exasperated and turned around, heading towards the door.
You were about to reach onto the door knob when you heard the sound of a zipper followed by the wheels of Bucky’s chair screeching against the floor before a pair of hands grabbed at your waist. Turning you around, you were met with Bucky’s worried face.
“Shit, you’re really mad. Talk to me?” He pleaded, eyes apologetic as he took a step back, urging you to speak up.
“You might want to take a seat because I’ve got quite a list.” You said.
Bucky obeyed and returned to his chair immediately, sitting upright as he looked at you with doe eyes. If you weren’t so mad, you would’ve melted at the sight of him like that. And the Bucky Barnes? The CEO? Obeying you like a good little boy? Huh, what an interesting concept. You mentally took note of a certain kink that you might enjoy. But for now, you were mad at him and you were going to make him understand why.
“Number one, I don’t particularly enjoy it when you tease me in front of everyone else. We talked about staying professional when there’s work involved and what you did during the mancom was definitely not professional.” You told him.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hold back not when your ass looked so fuckin’ tight in that skirt of yours. Can you blame me?” Bucky almost whined.
“Keep it in your pants, Barnes. I’m not yet done.” You reminded him and went over your second point.
“Number two, we almost got caught to the point of the HR deciding to hold a seminar on workplace ethics! Do you know how awkward it would be for me to sit there and listen to scenarios about office misconduct? Most of which we’ve probably done. I’d sweat like a whore in church!” You hissed.
Which scenarios could that be? Fucking inside the janitor’s supply closet? Check. Doing the nasty in one of the bathroom cubicles? Check that twice. Giving a blowjob beside the fax machine during lunch break? Triple check that shit.
“And oh, you sent me a dick pic using your work e-mail! You do know that the IT can access our computers right? Almost gave me a heart attack when it flashed on my monitor.” You asked in a huff.
Bucky snickered, “Are you forgetting that I’m the CEO? Baby, I can easily clean up our mess.” He reassured and stood up, approaching you.
You shook your head, “That’s exactly the point, Bucky. You are the CEO and I’m an employee. You may not understand it but I’m scared. If we get caught, it’s over for me. Whether you have it cleaned up or not, I’d still be the one at risk here. You’ll never be in the same position as I am. People won’t call you names if we get caught. No matter what happens, I’d always get the short end of the stick.”
You didn’t mean to be all serious, talking about the possible misogynistic outcome of your relationship with Bucky. As much as you enjoyed it, it still scared the living daylights out of you. Some were already spreading rumors about your promotion, getting caught would only add fuel to the fire.
Bucky sighed and nodded, “I’m sorry. I didn’t try to understand where you were coming from.” He genuinely apologized.
“If it scares you that much, then let’s make it official.”
You deadpanned at him, “Make what official, Bucky?” You asked, eyebrow raised in curiosity.
Bucky shrugged and motioned his hand between the both of you, “This...us.” He simply said.
You scoffed, “Tell the entire office that we’re fucking every chance we get? Are you out of your mind?”
Bucky ran a hand through his cropped hair, “Not like that. Look, we’ve been at it for what? Two? Three months now? We might as well make this into an official relationship.”
You blushed at Bucky’s suggestion. Sure, you practically jumped at the opportunity to fuck your boss when he asked you. But were you an easy bitch in general? Of course not, even with how thirsty you were for him, you still had a little bit of appreciation for the old-fashioned ways.
Pushing Bucky’s chest away, you shook your head at him. “That’s now how relationships work, Bucky. You can’t fuck your way into my heart.”
Bucky laughed and bit his lip, “Fine. Then I’ll do it properly.” He said so easily you were starting to wonder whether he was fucking with you.
You narrowed your eyes at him suspiciously, “I don’t believe you.” You said.
“You will, baby. I’ll make sure of that. We’ll do it old-school.” He said, caressing your cheek.
You were caught off guard but you didn’t want to get your hopes up. Bucky had been an amazing lover and in the past months you’ve fucked, he treated you with respect and took good care of you. He brought you dinner, drove you home and texted you good night. Sometimes he’d text you during the weekends too.
“Old-school it is then.” You shrugged as if it was no big deal but oh, it was a big deal.
Bucky nodded with a grin, “Okay. But...” he trailed, his smile turning upside down in deep thought.
“Does that mean we’d stop fucking each other for the mean time?” He asked.
You snickered, “I said you can’t fuck your way into my heart, not my pussy. So sit down and let me suck your cock.”
-
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