Tumgir
#i hate that i cant make myself see that people care
columbusswift · a month ago
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finalgirldeanwinchester · 2 months ago
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at this rate the trajectory im on and the choices im making one day im gonna crack like george bailey
#this isnt a joke or for rbing #yeah i guess you could call me protagonist coded haha #just. shit man im never gonna leave am i #i just get too involved and other people keep making dumbass choices and apparently im the only one who cares enough to clean up after them #i always promised myself i was gonna leave this state just hightail it out asap #now like. im just at this crossroads standstill where i act selfish and self serving and leave and go to a school i actually want to be at #and get the education i want and push myself in a way that i want and be around people i want who i can learn things from and who will #treat me right and i can. just learn how to live. and ill get to breath #OR. i stay and look after my neice whos due this week. her parents have already failed her. in so many ways they already failed #or. its not that they FAILED. nothing happened to them they werent subjected to anything. they chose this they chose it all #her parents have already given up on her and shes not even born yet #thats in ways im not even gonna talk about but these people are fucking evil. these are evil evil evil fucking people #and i cant LEAVE HER. i stay and be a figure in her life she can depend on she might be okay and maybe whenever her parents inevitably #split she wont be in the crossroads. or someone will be around to make sure they dont beat her. i hate them i HATE them for plunging into #this. i hate them so much. so here i am cleaning up their mess and im gonna be here for their daughter. by the time shes able to be on her #own im gonna be twice the age i am now. my fucking life is gonna pass me by man #and. heres the thing. like the next option for my major is the school He goes to. like im pretty sure hes stayed local cause hes got a LOT #going on here but. that school just isnt nearly as high as i want to aim. its like. i think it started specifically as an education school #so. but like also its just. man im sorry but i want to aim for the PRESTIGIOUS shit just to see if i can get it. and. like i think i can i #think in academia i can shoot pretty high. again dgmw its all horseshit i KNOW. but still i want to see #and a lot of higher up schools have more extensive stuff in education and thats stuff i WANT to delve into yknow #just. man i dont know. also i dont want to just Happen To Transfer There itll seem like im clingy and if we do get together then split itll #be awkward yknow. just. i wont be learning from moving away ONLY for academic stuff. i need to get out because!!!! I NEED TO GET OUT!!!!! #i just dont know. im sick and tired and just when i thought i could shoot high and do maybe Maybe MAYBE something i wanted to do #im just. like its not happening and once again things are underwhelming and im still gonna be stuck here. i hate this. #sia vents
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sketiana · 10 months ago
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Happy International Women's Day! Now take off your burqa and scarf and veil and dress how we tell you too :)
yeah its just. exhausting if i think about it much. i tend to not yno. what else could i do but Not
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opalite-sunlight · a month ago
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I’m out here hanging onto getting coffee every day and nothing else
#back on my bullshit but i have no reason to be here #nobody knows me #i cant trust anyone no matter how hard i try to re wire my brain to trust again #i dont fucking believe a single thing anyone says #ive been completely numb for 2 months like i just dont care? or feel anything #i feel nothing towards anyone like no feeling #literally bro im just a husk lol #i wake up clean this god forsaken hell hole house get insuloted guilted and all types of fun transphobic comments hate myself listen to musi #go to bed #repeat #cant function around others #not in school have no job #i see my only trusted person once a month maybe #but 2 days every 1-2 months doesnt feel like alot of reason to be alive and be miserable and hate life the other 58 days #everyday is just be being numb or completely given up miserable and at a loss of faith in the world #and thats every but the 2 possible days i see my favorite human #and i dont even wanna trey making friends or talking to people cause it ALWAYS aLWAYS ends in getting fucked over #thought i found a forever friend #he was the best person #not a red flag in sight #until i found out he shit talked me behind my back and called me a hoe phase cause he wanted to sleep with me #the people you think are on ur side and care about u always fucking turn around asnd stab u in the back #my childhood friend turned on me and ghosted me over me being trans and bi #i had a friend where again no fight no anything just messaged me going off on me one night #my parents make life a living hell #like u cant trust shit lol??? #how to hell do u live in this world #i cant even go to the store or order food or make phone calls but im suppose to get a job #and then u work ur ass off for bare minimum bullshit money thats still not enough for anyone to survive on #so im stuck at home
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krispiecake · 2 months ago
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ahh i love that heartbreaking feeling of knowing that people will never use the correct pronouns for me
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mrfoox · 5 months ago
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Okay but if I am wrong about this, I'll feel so embarrassed and stupid... But like... Mmmm
#I havebt wanted to be wrong this much before? #Fabian really is. ... Hes acting weird and im like... Am i imaging it? Please say yes #I want to be acting like myself and givw compliments and such and not care how it's possibly seen but im like... #If he is into me would this just encourage him? Would that be leading him on? Please i hate this #Im the one thats supposed to be crushing on friends ... Its illegal to be crushing on me #Miranda talking shit #He keeps having his cam on with me and i asked him if.... Hes comfortable with using cam and he said he basically wasnt.... #So im like... (why are you using it with me? Why ? Youve been faceless for the three years we have known each other and now you go from that #To live camming with me like i... Youre an introvert and generally quiet and rather withdrawn so i cant see this not being a big deal for u) #I have such conflicted feelings about this i am screaming! #I hate that i kinda like the attention ): ive never had anyone act silly and such around me. . Im usually that person #And hes obviously a cute guy and i like him a lot.... My better judgment is the one holding me back here #Because i know i am... A handful at best. And i know he wants to have a family/kids. #Plus i cant help but think he might just be 'into me' because im the one girl that is giving him positive attention #I just wonder...what changed? Like where was the line? I think ive always been kinda... Giving compliments and showing interest and such #Since day 1.... I cant read this man and its driving me insane #I struggle to read most people but hes literally an entity of all the things i struggle with put together #Quiet. Poker faced. Monotone voice. So im constantly feeling im making him uncomfortable ... Like dude im sorry im asking weird shit #But like i cannot read.... Your feelings... What are you feeling ? Whats up? #miranda talking shit #Its 4 am i need to sleep im scremaing
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johanz · 6 months ago
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My family came home yesterday and I immediately started feeling like shit again. They don't hate me or something, it's just that I don't have the whole house for me alone anymore, which means I can't eat or watch TV in the living room when I want to without them seeing me, it's so much louder since they're back, I can hear literally every single word they're saying downstairs and I just feel like I don't have any privacy anymore. I haven't stopped crying since they're back, I don't want to eat when they see me and I'm just lying around in bed. I never noticed how much better I feel being alone at home until I got to feel the direct comparison now.
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littlebabycrybtch · a year ago
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dude its so funny when regs talk abt how ‘sometimes’ they feel ‘guilty’ or ‘bad’ over discourse like............... you literally dont have to be doing this tho......... you literally dont have to reject minority identities suffering under the same majorities as you nobody is forcing you to do that to us.... i cant stop being my identity,,,,, like you make me ‘’’’feel bad’’’ too you make me ‘’’’’’’’’wanna kill myself so ill stop being my identity bc i have become so alone in my struggles’’’’’’’ like slf;ss;dlfsd guys you know that sometimes ‘feeling bad :(’ about something you’re doing to another person is just. like. literally having a conscience right. sometimes experiencing sympathy actually means something
#sometimes... just every now and then.. wanting to improve your behavior means you should #'i feel so bad when i see sad aces just bc i dont feel comfortable with them in my community :(' its bc the cishets hate us sire #its bc they wanna rape us or call us slurs is why we are so sad ur ignorant discourse post is just like an extra jab bc we're already tired #tw sui ment/ // ///// / / // #like dude i cant even put it into words ive just never felt more vitriol over smth so harmless that i cant change... #specifically from ppl who are Supposed to get that #bc they are literally experience most of the same things and from the exact same People #it just hits different like when strangers are lgbt+phobic theyre strangers when its my family it stings when its Other Lgbt People #its like. fuck it i really am nothing and my suffering is not worth a single thought and will never get better bc no one cares #and idk why no one cares. i think half the ppl that dont care dont know why they dont care. they just dont. #which makes it harder to rationalize if im supposed to feel this way or not. #and then you have the nerve to say 'i might feel bad' '''sometimes''' #i havent felt ok with this aspect of myself a day in my life and 50% of it is your lack of human sympathy towards my plight #and your intolerance to try and relate to or even just understand me. so frankly. you should feel worse till you change your mind #bc im tired of /me/ feeling that way towards my /Identity/ bc of your moral apathy thanks xoxo
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keys2mylock · 8 months ago
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i hate asking for someone to do smthg and they forget and i have to ask again bc im genuinely worried of annoying ppl lol
#like !! trying to get this done for DAYS now and the lady seems really helpful and nice #but like i end up having to ask multiple times for things to happen and it makes me so anxious that this is still not Done (tm) #like u know when theres this big thing and you cant focus on anything else at all until that Big Thing is finished #been living like this for a WEEK #my mind is so foggy with so many things to do #and i cant clearly focus on anything bc im worrying abt this #and im worrying that i annoy people by worrying so i worry more #and like i HATE asking for help especially this many times like damnnnnn #can we just get this DONE like i dont wanna ask again im worring abt everything pls #just 😭😭😭 #aaaaaaaaAAAAAAH you know #i just. sigh. the problem is Always me like i dont wanna come to this conclusion all the time but #if i wasnt like This none of these stuff would be a big problem at all #how to function normally how to be normal how to not have this mindset #im gonna go cry and try to do my assignments that i cant even focus on bc theres too much goimg on <3 #like objectively its fine it should be fine but here i am always feelin like this lol #genuinely cannot see myself livin like this all the time but i dont think i can be different than this so we will just try our best i guess #and once again dont even know why im writing these stuff for like no one cares no one even sees this i bet lol. i just want all of this to #be done but then when things r done other things happen and its pathatc but i cant handle things happening all the time lol #anyway.. to end on a nondepressive note im trying to find something lighthearted to say lol but i cant anyway byw #neg
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none-focus-with-left-gender · 6 months ago
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#wowww really thought i was getting better about not caring as much about strangers opinions of me but aparrently not lol #for context in middleschool everyone id known since kindergarden and was friends with suddenly decided they hated me and i didn't know why #and so id already cared a little to much about others opinions about me but that made it way worse #like for a long time i was terrified because in my mind if i made one small mistake then everyone would hate me and i would be alone #and then die #and in 9th grade i had good friends and i was getting better #because 6 and 7th grade were bad and eith grade they all pretended it never happend #so anyway 9th grade i realized most people wouldn't kill me for making one mistake #and in quarrentine like im talking end of school year this year #i was getting really good. like i was opening up more about my interests and allowing myself to not mask as much #because if they didn't like me doing that then i just would get other friends #but now im getting bad again and i thought i was better and it sucks #i noticed cause like. i listened to the magnus archives recently and really like it and i think im hyperfixating #and so obviously i want to follow tma blogs so itll be on my dashboard and ill see it #but i cant make myself because im a mcyt blog rn and what if they don't like minecraft youtubers and they hate me and then block me and then #everyone else hates me and blocks me and then somehow my friends find out and i know they think mcyts are the cause of everything wrong with #the world and then i have no one and just. all i want to do is follow some blogs and i cant make myself do it and thats never been a problem #before and i just. idk. it sucks. didn't mean to write this much i guess i wanted to talk about it more than i thought i did #and also im afraid of getting blocked and getting hate from every single blog active on tumblr but i knwo thats irrational. but im also #afraid that maybe just one person will block me or even just say something and itll feel like all me worst fears are coming true and ill #react badly and my brain will get worse because now theres proof it could happend #i just. idk. sometimes i do not liek being me.
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nuala-luna · 6 months ago
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Fellas, it’s not unreasonable or selfish to want some support and understanding from your nearest and dearest in the wake of losing a close family member and having the only other person in the household start to take out the stress that she’s feeling on you when you were already in the middle of a mental health crisis before this, right?? Asking for a friend, of course
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toftie · a year ago
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#....................................................................... #well its been a while since ive felt so down #ive been pretty normal for like a month or so now #but i guess it was cuz i had things to distract me like games and stuff and inspiration and work #now its just work for me #but yeah i think i feel. lonely? #but i hate admitting it. like i refuse to admit i'm lonely bcuz for some reason its like im betraying myself #like i geniuinely like my time alone and being alone so when i feel lonely its like.. that isnt enough anymore #like im not enough for myself #and it feels horrible. like i want to be enough for myself. #i hate like. feeling reliant on people to be wanted or needed or loved #even with my only close friend like i really want to relt #i want to rely on her more but i still feel so scared #and i know fear is jusr part of the process of being vulnerable but i just. i feel so ashamed of myself #ashamed that i would even let anyone see me at my lowest or needing someone #i need to get through this but i dont know how. i know im not supposed to reject loneliness but i absolutely hate this feeling #i cant even descrive it like ive known loneliness for like my whole life im sick of it i dont want it #on the contrary ive started to not like care about how i look to others or what people think of me #its worked better and i just do what i can at work cuz i know i dont need to make much of an effort to be likable #im such a boring person though. like extremelt uninteresting #so i usually do.my best in otger aspects of work so that i dont have to talk to anyone #i still feel bad whenever slmeone tries talking to.me like theres something wrong with me #i try not to let it get to me though. i try
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verytendou · a year ago
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hmm not sure how to convey this right but if youre feeling any sort of sympathy or pity for trump or trump supporters unfollow me
#im gonna explain this more here but like #theres a post going around right now thats trying to rationalize??? ig ?? all the trump supporters voting for him again? #and its the dumbest shit. like i consider myself a pretty open minded person who usually is able to care abt ppl but like #i cant find the post again but its basically like 'oh trump supporters are only voting for him again bc they feel so HATED' #'theyre voting for him bc he tells them he loves them and they need that validation and theyre stuck in a CON and cant get out oh NO' #and 1. there is so much fucking wrong with that and like if op came out and said they either used to support trump or #are very close with someone who does support trump. i would not be surprised even a bit bc that is the most rancid take i have ever seen #2. they are saying that like. so many ppl havent been congratulated or celebrated on socmed for even just saying they switched. i have seen #that man who is obviously making a fatphobic joke abt how much he 'improved' bc he supports biden now and the main difference is that #hes fat in the first one but whatever. i have seen him at least 7 times on my dash this week. and its bc ppl LOVE to hear that #there are so many other examples of someone posting their sob story abt how they supported trump and now dont and getting praised im p sure #there is like a subreddit or like 5 straight threads dedicated to it at least. and its like. this is the bare minimum. is caring for ppl #trump and his supporters and family are not victims. they are not 'trapped' they are not 'lost' they know exactly what they are fucking doin #whether they know it on the most intense horribly malicious level or on the most well meaning one. they know what theyre doing #theyre being ignorant. theyre not caring about anyone but themselves. they see tragedy after tragedy. horror after horror and they #do. not. care. #they dont! bc at the end of the day when they see that. they dont believe it. they dont care bc its not Them. #yeah they feel hated. and u kno what? its bc they fucking are. and they can pretend they dont know why all they want. but its bc guess what! #they deserve it. #i feel no sympathy for these people. i feel no sadness for them. i feel no pity. i feel anger only. and you should too. #you want to feel sympathy? you want to feel sadness? you want to spread the love in your fucking heart thats part of all ppl? #care about the ppl they hurt. care about the ppl fighting for their fucking lives right now. i cannot imagine where your brain has to be #to see these ppl get repeatedly hurt and screwed and shot down by their govnt and fellow citizens and then think #'huh. man i feel bad for the ppl trying to keep them down' #i could explain this more but i have shit to do and also would probably hit the tag limit. so u get the point #if i see the above mentioned post on my dash i will block you myself i literally do not care at this point i have thought too much abt this #politics #v.txt #and before anyone even tries to @ me i will say i know abt the being nice to ppl looking to leave a cult thing and this is NOT THAT AT ALL
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mrfoox · 5 months ago
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I know im a broken record but I really just wish I could find some happiness or at least peace that lasts for more than 5 mins when I'm alone
#miranda talking shit #Negative #I just want someone to love and who loves me and to live with them with a cat or two #But im so broken and i cant see anyone mangaing to be with me for more than a month before noping the fuck out #Being told from all places that 'things will get better ' when you've been feeling this way since you were 13 and having had sucidal thought #Since you were 8 is like... Uh... Its been 10 years i.... I have just aged and lost my youth to my illness haha.... #Having to come to terms with the fact that youre probably going to be one of those people who doesnt get a good ending is hard #I always love and wish the best for everyone i meet and want to help them but im... Not ever going to find anyone that want that for me #And even if i did i guess i would just deny it or not accept it because i have no right to any love because im like this. Im disappointing #My mom every year that goes by because i cant get an good enough grip of taking care of myself and doing the bare minimum to be alive ... So #I can study or work like hahahah how lame is that? I just want to convince my own brain that i deserve to be alive even if its an pathetic #Life. But it's been over 10 years with medication therapy three different schools and thousands of doctor visits but its the same im the sam #I cant escape the thoughts that i am long overdue. I have expired. Im the rotten fruit left in the fruit isle at a store thats a danger to #All other fruits. I need to die already so i don't make it harder for everyone else. And i have the audacity to feel bad and sad over not #Being loved... The fucking nerve is mind blowing. I hate this i do. And then I'm not bad enough to not consider others feelings if i kms or #Cut mself so i have no way of escaping it. My guilt is literally trapping me here and also wanting me dead its so inlogical i would laugh it #If it wasnt my real state of existence. Everyone has trauma theyre dealing with so why cant i just do it? Because im pathetic and weak obv #Anyone saying im kind is just so untrue too. Im thinking and feeling empathy for anything that is helpless because i am and wish i could be #Saved. Even my kindness is selfish. So i csnt accept anything nice anyone says about me. It isnt true they do not know anything if they did #They wouldn't be able to even look at me. I guess this is all punishment for something i have done in a previous life. I wish I could know #Because having s reason behind all this shit would make my state of mind easier. If theres no reason behind anything then im one excuse low #In my existence and i am just so done with hitting myself against this wall over and over #No not a wall its a box because even if i try other things the feeling remain and i am unable to leave #I am thinking about dying and ending it on a daily basis but everytime someone ask ill say im okay because in that moment they are there #With me so technically i am. But my okay is not okay. My version of okay isnt alright but no one can change it and it would just make the #Other person feel bad so im just fine... Im okay... Nothing happened ...
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713-4th-ward-g · a year ago
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hopefulproject · a year ago
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still on the floor lads
#txt #did not think it would turn into one of those nights but idk what i expected ive been goin thru it #it feels too weird and too much like begging for attention to outright ask but. i genuinely dont understand what people see in me #like why they like me or why they want me around im not special or anything. im not particularly good at anything #or really outstanding as like. a person. im just sort of Here i guess #i dont even really mean it in a self deprecating way im just. it confuses me. like of all people why me #i just am absolutely fucking stumped whenever i try and come up with any good qualities about myself or why i would be worth keeping around #and like i said i hate hate HATE asking people about it it makes me feel shitty. even talking about it like this feels wrong #i just. need to get it out of my head #and even when people HAVE told me things they like about me im just like..... ???? #because i cannot believe what theyre saying i cant see those qualities in myself #idk. idk. it makes me feel shitty and it makes me feel like im just tricking peoplw into keeping me around #maybe ive just spent too much of my life on people who fucking hated me lmao #*to the tune of the maybelline jingle* maybe hes born with it. maybe hes traumatized #it just scares me. people always seem to realize im not all that and leave eventually #so im always just waiting for that other shoe to drop #and THAT makes me feel bad too because i know i have friends who are better than that i just. cant shake that fear #i just. dont feel like im worth the amount of trouble it is to care about me #god this is such a pity party lmao. pathetic ass. whats wrong with you alphie why are you like this #i need to sleep #vent
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dearcarnifex · a year ago
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ughsdnfs impulse logged out of ig dont know when ill go back. could be tomorrow could be a couple of days could be a week or so could just be a few hours. no idea but ill still be posting here in the meantime
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edelwoodsouls · a year ago
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lepidopterium · a year ago
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