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#i have a feeling that this has been done before
hordakslegs · 24 days ago
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Setting one vague boundary and brain goes "Nice! Now we've done all the work!! Now to not say a word when you actually need to address the issue :)"
My communication skills vs my need to be better at boundaries vs my laughably fragile mental health who would win
#it's just...complicated and causes a lot more discomfort for everyone involved than necessary#feels like I'm being a partypooper and that people has to take precautions bcz my mental health is walkkng such a thin line#and I know that's not really how it works which only makes it more frustrating and it leaves me so frustrated w myself#like the effort doesn't feel worth it bcz it's not clear enough but doing nothing just makes me feel worse#the effort isn't clear for everyone else and yet my brain settles on a ':)) you've done what you can now shut up forever' mindset#which is really fucking irritating because I wish I could express myself better before I spiral#guess it's all a bit more triggering concidering The Spring Sentimentality on top of how bad a brain week it's been#but it's also something I'd really not think about because nothing is worse than feeling trapped with nowhere to go please don't rub that in#this is all v vague but I need to get it out#managed to talk a bit about it when getting picked up yesterday tho I have a habit of going silent when up in my feelings#which is...annoying if/when I actually wanna talk#it's just that it was going so well and yet it winded up back to something that makes me feel big sad#guess I needed to cry tho it did help a lil#at least I didn't have a breakdown but it could easily have led to that and I really don't fucking want that#having thoughts? disgusting I was busy barley having any which only happens every damn blue moon#personal#really just want one good cleansing cry tho I'd rather be exhausted that way
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tradingsunset · 28 days ago
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mhm. i’m trying to write my degree dissertation and like i know i have a point but it all feels so derivative.
i guess i’ll just email my advisor and nervously wait for her to tell me what needs fixing. which might be everything!
#anatxt#at some points i get the feeling that i should not tear into reagan so much bu then it hits me. it’s what he deserves#objectivity? hell yes he was objectively a terrible person!#koch too#and don’t even get me started on the evangelicals#ok march 25 edit because i need to vent but also don’t want to write this anywhere where i might actually see it again so it’s going here.#i just had a panic attack because i sent her an email this afternoon with part of my dissertation and asking for feedback#and she answered that she had written days ago to tell us (me and the other people she advises) that she had conferences and shit to attend#this week and that she would not be able to actually get through anything. and then she went on like she thought she’d been clear about how#we should all respect each other and that maybe in the future i should do like my peers and actually schedule check in dates#and she’s not wring about that! but she also never made it mandatory and more importantly i Never got any of those messages because if i had#i would obviously have done things differently because i’m not a dick#so i wrote back a couple paragraphs saying that you know actually i Have Been checking and checked again before responding and#i never got those messages!! but then i groveled and was like yeah of course i understood that she could not give me feedback and that i’d#try to set things up with more anticipation next time. and that i really appreciated all she does for us#and then i apologized again for the inconvenience and kept crying for a bit#because i’ve been running myself ragged for weeks and of course i understand that she has a lot of shit to do but i really just couldn’t#deal with that passive aggressive politeness. and at the same time i do feel that i did well by pointing to her that you know i’m sorry#about this but either i never got those messages or you never sent them to me so#on top of the fact that i just got a letter informing me that the doctor’s appt that i had last November that got postponed to april is#being postponed again. which i get but i’m just so fucking tired#god i just want to sleep for five months
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apolohgy · 3 months ago
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#an emptiness today !#i just here everyday and do nothing w my life huh.#and this can’t be imposter syndrome but i haven’t done anything in the first place to warrant feeling like a fraud ahshbsnsnsn#also i’m... trying to lose w****t and today my mom went to the store and before she left she asked me if i wanted a juice (that store has a#juice bar) and i said sure if it’s mango or something. they didn’t have that flower so she brought me a veggie/orange juice combo and i#tasted it and it was fine but i didn’t like it enough to finish so i said no thank you! someone else can drink it#there’s 5 people in our house so finding someone to finish it wouldn’t be a problem#but my older sister asked me if i wanted to switch w her (she had a diff flavor) and i tasted it#still didn’t like it and she was being a little pushy about it and i was like ‘why do you want me to drink this juice so bad’ and she goes#‘bc ma paid for them’ in a kinda defeated tone and i just ... UQWNNNSS!!!!!#i know it wasn’t her intention to ... bring up one of my sore spots about food but bc we were poor our whole lives this is what eating#was like!! not being allowed to leave the table until i finish - getting my plate cleared by an adult before being able to throw it away#being guilted for wasting money and food when we had so little and honestly i get it! my mom did the best she could raising 2 girls alone#but like... it’s taken me 24 years to realize i shouldn’t eat food if i don’t like it? that i’m allowed to not finish food if i’m full?#these are all normal things that i’m just now having to consciously remember when i eat#it’s like having an epiphany every time i realize these are normal things that everybody else does that my ass just clued into in 2020#i know it’s not my mom or sister’s intention to guilt me that’s shit i have to work out on my own. but damn when does it end 😭#i feel guilty when i eat or cook in front of my family. i feel guilt when i don’t finish. when does it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyways my eyes have tears now. it’s been a bad day. goodnight 😌#i know this is riddled w typos Welcome To My Twisted Mind#won’t be tagging this as m*** bc i don’t want any memories of this fuckass post!
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7suns · 4 months ago
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tomorrow.
#my surgery's tomorrow and i have confirmed it and i will check into the hospital at 8:15am tomorrow#then my surgery is at 9:45 and after that i'll be staying overnight in the hospital#and on saturday after i'm awake and feeling good my parents will come pick me up in seattle and bring me home#and ngl i am having a LOT of anxiety and doubts today#rationally i know this is what i want and that i'll be so much happier and i'll be able to go running again etc etc etc#but part of me is like 'derek ur making a mistake wtf'#like with starting t it was super gradual and if i wasn't happy a month or 2 in i could Just Stop and go more or less back to where i was#but with this i'm really scared i'm gonna wake up and be like 'oh god this is awful'#but for real i Know i won't feel that way#and to remind myself of that i wrote down a huge list of reasons i'm getting surgery and what i want to do post op#and i keep looking in the mirror shirtless today to remind myself that that's why i'm getting it done. bc i'm not happy w what i see.#but still. it's scary. and i've never had surgery before so anesthesia is also scary and i won't be able to have any visitors bc rona#i am glad my surgeon chooses to keep top surgery patients in the hospital overnight. makes me feel better#also btw i'm getting DI w dr alexandra schmidek at virginia mason in seattle#and herself and all her nurses and assistants are all so nice and i've seen pics of her results and i like them a lot#plus she's just in seattle which is only like a 40 min drive and at a reputable hospital and keeps patients overnight#and she's done this plenty of times. i know i'll ultimately be happy w my results even if i end up needing a revision#i've also been lurking on r/ftm and looking at posts from guys w similar anxieties who all say they're happy w their results:)#anyway. long tags ramble over. didn't have much of a point to this i just wanted to share what i'm going thru today#also if anyone has any questions feel free to ask#derek's ts adventure
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path-of-my-childhood · 4 months ago
i was just thinking about how much emphasis taylor put on the four seasons in a year (during willow premiere and while talking about these two being sister records) and i realised that now she actually has a partner who's seen all these seasons with her. no more summer romances no more winter romances, it's all year around and i just -
Yeah... there’s this strange thing that happens when you’re in a stable, solid relationship and I generally don’t like acknowledging it too much cause I’m all like “I’m an independent strong woman hear me roar!” and “I don’t need anyone!” which, you know - I don’t... but it’s still nice that he’s there. Like, I can do everything and go through everything on my own, but the fact that my boyfriend still chooses day-in-and-out to still be there in the background, just in case I might actually need him... it’s nice. And it has to go both ways in order to work long-term. It’s the CHOICE that is nice - like he doesn’t need to, and I don’t need him to, but you both still choose to go through stuff together. It’s always nice when you find that in life.
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gotchaocha · 4 months ago
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It must be interesting to have a vampire who’s in kinda of a greyzone when it comes to age. 
Not 150 years, not 16, but like in a place where people genuinely think they just have a great skincare routine.
‘‘How old are you exaclty?
‘‘Oh, I’m 57.’‘
‘‘Wow!You don’t look a day older then 22.’‘
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william-afton-positivity · 5 months ago
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I haven't been able to vibe in a while...
#things aren't looking good tbh#its all heading down the drain#been craving physical affection dispite having a fear over it due to trauma#been feeling like I'm accomplished nothing in life other than driving and barley holding onto a job#I still have the job simply because its a family business...I would've been fired 100 probably#I'm slowly killing myself by giving into sugar cravings at night and keeping stashes in my drawer or always having ben and jerrys ready#my level of basic caring has plumeted so much#and idk what to do anymore#I've had pep talks that made me feel like shit#pretended to call my mom out on all of the abuse and not caring I got molested by her ex bc all she cared about was her feelings#or calling her out on the several years she's lied to me and others that she didn't break my arm and that I was at fault for being stupid#over a cheap plastic horse#or sending me to school with half of a bruised face I had to cover with a scarf#and ive had these pep talks to myself pretending to call her out on everything. it made me mad#and it made me feel like shit because I know I'd never be able to stand up to myself bc ive done it before and it ended horrible#and that imma end up taking these secrets to the grave and no one around her will know the shit she did to me#I just at least want a hug or smth. idk. cry as I'm told everything is going to be okay.#but I cant because of the fear after all of that#all I have to substitute are my blankets pillows and plushies to try and get by but it's not the same as a real person#and it just makes me cry trying to replicate this feeling of being held or hugged with pieces of fabric and cotton stuffing#so yeah#....my vibe is just wrong lately#and honestly? idk if it'll get better. it'll either steady itself or decrease#vent#tw abuse#tw implied suicide#tw molestation#ask to tag
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the-lemon-snek · 5 months ago
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#i feel bad#im feeling all kinds of bad rn :)#i feel bad bc i cant get anything done for school so i have worse grades than ive ever had before#which is bad and horrible and scary bc i was The Good Kid Who Always Does Good In School#and ik its not that bad bc other people struggle way worse etc etc etc#but idk ive never had a grade dip below a high c ever#which feels like such an entitled thing to say ahjajs#but im just constantly freaking out about it bc ive got a d and a low c#which like! again isnt bad! so i feel bad for feeling bad! but idkk#and also i feel bad bc im not feeling bad about the election#bc rn my brain is just going brrr on worry about school#and this is even dumber: im worried that im too hyperfocused on one game to be excited about a big update on another game#which is?? so fucking dumb oh my god#but like#im so scared something big will come out and i wont be able to feel anything about it bc im too focused on smth else#and i feel bad for feeling bad about those two nonimportant things when theres something thats VERY important that i SHOULD be worried about#which pile all that on top of the fact that today has been a natural day#so today was a double i feel bad day#and ive got a thing right next to me thats burning a hole in my mind. im not gonna say it bc it could be potentially triggering for others#(dw its not dangerous!! its not like. drugs?? or..pills..? idk)#tldr i feel bad for reasons i think are dumb and not about more important things#vent#tw vent#personal#delete later
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aerois · 6 months ago
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Hey guys so I have this thought for a Harry Potter fic, more of a humorous concept that could be good for some one-shots/vignettes but like... I was thinking about an isekai/self-insert modeled in the style of Who Made Me a Princess, and true to WMMAP style, the protagonist soon comes to realize the key to their continued survival is actually in the hands of the person who hates them most, and so the protagnist is like “oh shit better charm this person from the get-go so that they no longer utterly despise me” which honestly in Harry’s case that person would be Voldemort but building a plot around that premise is definitely impossible so let’s go for the person who hates him second-most, which would be Snape. And like. Yeah he’s already looking out for Harry but you could argue Harry would’ve had an easier time at Hogwarts if he’d had a better working relationship with Snape, like probably would be in less danger generally and Sirius’ chances of survival would go up like 200% so yeah
and it’s called Who Made Me a Wizard ;_;
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zoehanji · 7 months ago
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Picrew Tag!
Soooo... I found this really cool picrew and I just really wanted so share with you guys! Here’s a link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/137904
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Here’s what mine looks like!
I’mma tag peeps who migghht wanna do this! (no pressure though!) -> @thecordoniandiaries​ @bebepac​ @miss-smrxtiee​ @txemrn​ (hii there!) @missdreamsalot​ (hello!) @dcbbw​ (and anyone who wants to do this!)
(I am so so so so sorry if this bothers you guys, you guys can ignore this if you don’t wanna do this)
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