#i have an exam in 3 days and cant bring myself to study anything | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

okeylokiyuh · 2 years

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lokiii ))): i miss chatting with u 😭😭🫶🏼🫶🏼 im taking break on tumblr bcs of uni geez even in holiday week im still busy and dont have time to finish my fics!! anyways are you doing great?? how abt ur study is everything okay? and abt yedam and mashiho, i really want to burn all yg staffs thay responsible for the mistreatment!! they act like mashi and yedam left the group!! ffs yg, you cant even pay the bills without treasure🤥

also i hv been exploring new things these days! i start watching anime (i never watch anime hehe) and currently i watched spyxfamily. the anime is so good🫶🏼 but i heard from my friends usually happy anime will ended up sad ending....... (a moment of silence here) and i also starting writing my personal thoughts into some journal, i am type of person who love to hide my true feelings and didnt talk much abt anything that bothering me, so i decided to write all of my thoughts in one book, i can say it's a yes from me cause i felt relieved?? when i shared my feelings on the paper, somehow i feel like ease the burden??

lastly, i dont stan le serrafim(idk how to spell) bcs of garam's case but their debut song is on another level, every second i find myself dancing the chorus😔🖐🏻 and kazuha, one of their members..... lord she is so beautiful LIKE HOW I CANT FALL IN LOVE WITH HER WHEN SHE SLAYED?😔😔 japanese blood is something else i tell u

so how's your day/week/month?? mind to share with me!!

ahh, jaecha!! 🥺 it's been so long, i missed you too!! gosh, i totally feel you. my exams are over and it's the holidays, but i'm still so busy (+ my mum keeps telling me to lower my screentime, so that also sucks!) but i hope you are doing well, my love! even if things get too busy, i hope you have time to rest! please make sure you are eating well and drink lots of water to stay hydrated! 😤👊

(this got very long, so everything is under the cut!)

i'm not really sure about the mashidam case, but i saw on the dash that yge cut off their pictures or smth in a promo post? like hello ??? my babies are on a hiatus, they didn't leave the group. like, yge this is the product of your own work? 🙄 y'all forced them to work so much, they were forced to go into break ?? in fact, this should be everyone on break and not just two members, bc after a comeback, comeback promotions, plus two concerts, that's a lot of work! "yge, you can't even pay the bills without treasure" ndsfjsdhbf say it louder, jaecha!!! 😣🙏

that's very nice!! i also started watching spyxfamily and started reading the manga too bc i'm too impatient to wait for the series! hm ... about that theory, tho :( i mean they are right in certain instances, but since this anime is still being written, i'm sure the author will bring a happy ending BC WHO CAN BREAK POOR ANYA'S HEART 😭 </3

wah, i don't remember the last time i had a diary bc my entire family would go through them! that is great, jaecha! i'm glad you found smth to let out your feelings on, bc bottling your feelings isn't great in the long term 😊💖 i usually record a voice message to send to my best friend, but as soon as i'm done, i delete instead of sending it. but my mind feels at ease bc i feel like i've said it to someone? idk it's just me tricking my own mind into thinking so, but it helps!

oof le sserafim's debut song is just 😘🤌 a masterpiece frz. the chorus is so catchy i'm wondering if they've done some magic on it to make sure everyone gets hooked once they listen to it. AHH KAZUHA 😫😫 IS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL I FEEL YOU 😭 omgomg frz japanese blood has some different like magic innit bc like dang everyone be visual sculptures

my month went okay-ish, i guess? 😕 i finished my exams, and they were very hard, so i guess i might have to repeat some? but that is not an issue bc our lecturers have told us that no one passes exams on the first try, esp in second year. but still it terrifies me bc my mum keeps pressuring me since she's stressed these days too 😔

but in good things !!! my best friend's brother's wedding on the 8th, and i was invited to it which was exciting bc i've never been to big functions like that without my family! 😅🥰 it was amazing, i kinda teared up seeing the ceremony, and then had my fill of good food and desserts and even danced a little! i was introduced to my best friend's churchmates and everyone was like 'oh yeah ik you bc you are always on xx's whatsapp statuses' 😳 and literally i just realised how much my best friend posts about me for no reason. everyone and their mums knew about me and it was so 😬 overwhelming, but also a relief at the same time, bc i'm not the most social person! 😅

then i also met my friend's ex (they broke up on mutual terms) and it was my first time seeing him irl and his eyes are so pretty but then he reminded me that he's seen practically every message i've sent my bestie (none of them were bad!! i'm just very crazy when it comes to texting) and i was so embarrassed but he was very kind about it 😔🙏

and i goofed around while we were waiting by singing thinking out loud by ed sheeran (bc that's what the live band was playing) and i didn't think was that loud bc the hall was pretty noisy but my friend's churchmates all complimented my voice and asked if i wanted to replace my friend in their church's choir! 😂 it was fun bc we all kept collectively teasing my best friend, and she didn't mind bc she said she was like i was making friends since i was always home and never went out and stuff

this was all in one day, but i feel like i made a month full of memories, honestly!! 💗💗💗

#[💌] all my favorite conversations #jaecha 🥺

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animated-moon · 3 years

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Good morning my little lamb! How was your sleep? I hope you have been getting more sleep since you haven’t been for the past week.

*blushes* if you really must know then yes, I do dream about you my moon *turns head away*.

About you though, some birdies on the team have been telling me about how you keep having mental breakdowns. Do you want me to come over? I know that it isn’t a full solution, but since you love me so much I figure I can at least make your day shine my sweets <3.

My day could’ve been better my lovely. Wakatoshi-Kun and Semi semi have caught me practicing when I wasn’t supposed to, and have lectured me for hours. I It wasn’t that bad though! It was only 3 and half hours of extra practice, I would’ve called you but then I would be risking getting you caught as well.

But how are you doing so far Mx.Tendou? Should I send over some chocolate milk to your place? Or just bring to you directly if you want me to come over?

Love you my paradise~

- your husband💜

ah, my sweetest! it’s been a while hasn’t it? i’m so sorry for responding to this much later than i usually do, but i know that you know things haven’t been the easiest lately :,) i’ll explain more at the end of this reply!

yup!! i’m getting more sleep than usual! all thanks to you, my lovely~ <3 oho? it was just a teasing statement, but now i’m curious. what do you dream of me? hmmm?

oh! you DARE go to extra practice WITHOUT ME? forget getting caught, my sun, i’d do practically anything to spend time with you <3 besides, i’ve been playing more volleyball recently (my thighs and arms are SORE :,) and i have bruises on my arm from the stupid balls, but SOON! i’ll be good enough to at least play in the court)

FROM THIS POINT ON IT WILL BE ME RANTING ABOUT MY PROBLEMS AND THERE MAY BE SENSITIVE TOPICS. PLEASE PLEASE DONT READ IF YOURE UNCOMFY. I DONT GUARANTEE ANYTHING

well,, about that. since we ARE wedded, and i’ve been running from my problems, i think it’s time to come clean to this. i’m not exactly doing well anywhere and my mental health has been far from okay. still better than many, though. i should really be grateful for that but i just can’t. anyways <3

also tendou anon: ily. the short version is just: i have insecurities and i am mentally unstable and i am being unnecessarily sad about it 👍👍 followed by me being stupid and having parental issues <3 summed it up in case you didn’t wanna read all t h a t

i’m having a series of small but important exams recently and i can’t say i’m really doing well in school either, so i’ve taken it upon myself to at least work hard and try my best to finish all my schoolwork, get enough sleep and still have time for some more relaxing things, like tumblr. i dont know if you know just how alleviating it is to see people pop into my ask box to chat or to request or just ANYTHING, which is why i really, really love and appreciate you (i’m getting off topic, let me steer back). well, anyway, how should i say this? tumblr has been like my escape from reality, like my paradise. somewhere i can be without having to meet already-made expectations, without having to pretend like everything in my life is fine and without having to simply pretend. lately i’ve been less and less active because of all the personal problems i’m facing, and i do apologize for that, although i know i don’t need to.. i just- gosh i don’t even know where i’m going with this at all.

since i’ve addressed my inactivity, i’ll talk about my mental health. it’s been months since i’ve had any insecurities popping out randomly to taunt me and pick at every single thing i do. since around the start of july, though, everything started falling back onto me. i started realizing and criticizing every little thing i did and myself as a person. recently it’s only gotten worse, and it’s disgusting for myself to doubt some of my closest friends and their friendship with me, but i cant help but think they’re all going to leave me for some newer, more fun and more interesting friend. after all, in reality, i’m just plain old me. i sound so unbothered by everything, i look unapproachable, i’ve even given up on almost every aspect of myself. why would they want someone like me, right? it’s stupid, and i shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts, but i can’t do anything about them. sometimes it feels like i give so much but they never give in return. i pick up their siblings from classes, i take time out of my already packed schedule to help them solve their boy problems, i always try my best to take their feelings into consideration. at least in my point of view, i did nothing wrong? did i? i don’t know why everything’s going wrong and why everyone’s slipping out of my lives when they’ve barely even been there.

tw//suic*de and de*th and starving and really bad parents under this

i’ve been suicidal since a few years back and i only have a single reason to live. that single reason is my one of my two best friends. he’s amazing in every way possible, and i don’t truly know what love is, but if i loved someone, it’d be him. he brought me out of my darkest times when i’d attempted suicide and we made a promise to both live on. we still do talk, but since he’s older and busier, these times just get less and less frequent, and i’m so scared to lose the one thread still tying me to the world.

and, my parents. i think they’re the largest contributing factor to my current situation. lord, i can’t tell you how many times i’ve passed out from exhaustion, being fucking forced to study for exams. how many times that woman has threatened to k*ll me and starve me for the tiniest things ever. in my entire life, no matter what happened to me, she’s never said a genuine sorry to me before. her nonexistent social awareness is almost funny, if it weren’t so fucking annoying. whining and babytalking with my dad all fucking day at max volume as if i weren’t in the house. all that slandering of the lgbtq+ community and being racist, all that shittalking about me as if i can’t hear them at all. all they know is how to be disgusting, manipulative shitheads, thinking theyre the boss of everyone and that they can order me around like im an inanimate object. IM EIGHTEEN, FOR FUCKS SAKE. IVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MYSELF SINCE 13. LEAVE ME TF ALONE.

i just,, i dont know. fuck them, fuck everyone, fuck everything. i want to just end it all so bad but i know i’d just be more of a burden to everyone like that, or so i’d like to believe.

that is all. that’s the longest i’ve ever ranted in ages, lord. i won’t say i’m fine right now, but i won’t say i’m doing good. i’m just barely hanging in there, and i don’t know what else to say about this.

sorry for the long rant! i have lots more i’m upset about, but i’m not ready to share it with anyone yet, sorry. for anyone who actually read until this part, please just somehow ignore this. thanks

#tw suicide #tw death #💫.clash #miracle boy ! — 🌕

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joan-prod-sigh · 3 years

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So, Joan here... I just need something to really really really help me study. Im not doing this for the notes or anything (as if anyones gonna see this)

Ill do it in a 100 days of productivity type of way.

A few things for anyone that may find this..

• I'm greek so my notes and whatever photos i may post will be in greek

• The greek school system is divided in 6 years of primary school, 3 of middle school (gymnasium/γυμνάσιο) and 3 of high school (lyceum/λύκειο)

• In the last year of hs we are put through certain exams called Πανελλήνιες (kinda translates to "all greece") and we have to reach a specific grade to pass in the university of our choice depending on the field we want to pursue (meaning that if one wants archaeology they will have to write a grade equal to 16/20 and if someone wants law they have to write a grade equal to 18+/20)

Its kinda difficult to explain the whole gist of it you dont really need to know it either but it may help you understand.

• We have different Universities in different cities and the grade in each uni for the same undergrad degree is different (so in athens for sociology one might need 17 but in Thessaloniki they might need 16+)

• Those grades change each year depending on how the students/participants of the exams write.

• I want to pass in the History and Archaeology department in Athens (which was 15.150 last year)

(we dont count it out of 20 irl we count it out of 20.000) (so schools have 16.000 or 17.000, thats why i wrote 16+ at some instances, cause it might be 16.350 or smth)

• That means that i have to write the lessons of Ancient Greek, Sociology and History in Panellinies (we call them panelele sometimes so i might write it like that now and then lmao) and also Essay/Literature

• I have 3 months and 2 weeks till june when we write so thats about 106 days which MEANS i have to sit down and study hard

Which brings me to my last point

• I'll be using this to remind me that i HAVE to study. And i have to post about it daily. And i cant lie to the whole internet even if i lie to myself

If anyone wants to know more feel free to private message me or i will figure out a way to make asks open for business!

Lets hope i make it guys!!

(Btw english is not my first language obvie, but i will be using it cause i feel less self conscious when i communicate in english on the internet. I will probably write in greek here and there but like... Thats so not the point.)

#studying #education #long post

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urirealvibekiller · 4 years

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Heyy just wanted to talk to someone about this and i felt comfortable doing it with you so i hope you dont mind. So im 20 yrs old and am in college. I first joined a university that was on the level of Cambridge in our country just because my dad was working there and i didnt know what i wanted to do yet. I joined a course in chemistry. I couldnt understand any of the classes but tried my best to atleast take notes for the first month but after that i stopped attending classes.(💙1)

i’m putting a trigger warning just in case.

tw: suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, and abuse

I used to stay in the library the whole day avoiding my dad and used to just read novels. I failed all of the exams and my dad also found out i was skipping classes so i told him i couldnt do it and quit after a semester. After that i joined the college im currently studying in which is not that great but i could cope with the studies atleast. For the first semester i failed four out of six subjects because I just couldnt bring myself to study for some reason.(💙2)

At this point my dad got angry at me and said i was humiliating him because i graduated high school with a gpa of 9.5 and i was being like this now. He spent a lot of money on my high-school so he called it a waste. And I lost my mom when i was 11 in an accident and since then my dad has raised me. And now im in my final year and atill cant bring myself to study. I just hate studying. I dont want to do this. My dad had started calling me names since i failed the second time and i hate it.(💙3)

He also hits me once in a while when he's very angry. I just hate it so much. I tried to end my life but failed in that too lol. He doesnt know it. He sometimes says he regrets having me and that i should have died instead of my mom in that accident. And that he'll kill me someday out of anger. He just criticizes me in every single thing i do. I am really really skinny and am very insecure about it. I hate going out cause sometimes i catch people laughing at me and pointing at my body.(💙4)

I found nct last year and looking at them living their life happily and watching them have fun and laugh makes me feel better. I keep trying to end my life but i just cant. I hate studying. I wish i had some other goal in my life which could make me work hard. I dont blame my dad. Im such a waste of life. I wish i would just die. I dont know what to do with my life anymore. And thank you for this i just wanted to get this off my chest. I wish i had a way out of this mess. (💙 end)

______

hey love <33 i don’t mind in the slightest so don’t worry <3

i’m really sorry that you went through and are going through all that. it’s horrible and you deserve so much better. regarding your college situation, it would be easy to say just drop out and find something you love to do but i know that that’s easier said than done especially because you’re already in your final year and have already spent so much time for it. i understand how you feel about studying. i used to feel that way about some subjects i really hated too but what i found helpful was i tried to find at least one thing i liked about it and i tried to build up from there. i hope you find some way love <33

and about your dad. it’s absolutely not okay how he’s treating you. it’s abusive. do you have anyone - a relative, a teacher, or even a friend - that you can talk to and that can help you with this situation?

you are not a waste of life. i know you feel otherwise but just the fact that your heart is beating makes you worth it as a person. honestly you really don’t need a reason or a purpose to be alive. you are alive. and that’s reason enough to stay alive. but you know, when you’re alive, you have opportunities to do and discover things that you love and that will surely lead you to your purpose. it’s okay to feel like giving up but please don’t give in to it.

i understand it is hard but i believe in you and the fact that you’re even reaching out to me right now is a good step forward and i’m so proud of you for being so strong and brave. i really wish there is more i can do to help but right now, i think seeking professional help (if possible) might be best.

i’m always here for you if you ever want to talk about anything so please never hesitate to message me <33

#anon #<33

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shytiff · 3 years

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Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be.

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt.

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100.

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf.

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner.

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live.

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aesthetic-survivor-of-twd · 5 years

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My mom has an appoitment for doctor because well she might have cancer ı dont know what to do the appointment is in 4 days and I have an important exam this year that will determine which uni ı will go it is like the biggest exam in my country but ı just cant study all im doing is laying in my bed and cry u are the only person ı tell my problems to (yeah ı know it might sound pathetic but ı dont have any friends)ı just want to go to that appointment and make sure she is okay I love her so much

(I really hope this posts since Tumblr has failed to do it like 3 times now.)

Oh hun, I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through.

Also it’s not pathetic at all! We all need someone to vent our emotions to and so long as you aren’t keeping it all bottled up inside, then that’s what matters most.

I know you are terrified right now and going through distress. Is the exam near the end of the year?

Though it may not be wise for me to say this, I suggest giving yourself at least a week to deal with your emotions and focus more on your family. Your mother’s diagnosis is still uncertain, but I feel like trying to juggle education on top of this will be bad for your health and will just make it even harder for you to deal with both of these situations because you will be under so much stress.

Allow yourself to cry and focus on your mother right now. Let all of your emotions out, okay? Don’t try to repress them.

With that said however, I would also try to remain positive for now as you don’t know if she actually does have cancer or not.

Also regarding school, is there a way you can bring this up to a teacher? I’m aware you can’t push back an exam, but maybe you can figure something out with them that will allow you to do work at home for a bit (so you are still studying for the exam but allowing yourself to stay close to family for a bit). Take your studying in small chunks at a time so it allows you to properly digest the information.

And dear, it’s perfectly normal for you to be feeling this way and I know it’s easy to panic over everything, especially when you also have an exam coming up. But as hard as this may be - try to take some deep breaths and clear your mind.

Lay down flat on the ground or on your bed, close your eyes and slowly count your breathing. Keep doing that until you start to feel a little more calm.

After that, get some paper and write down all the things you need to study and break them down into chunks - organise them throughout the weeks leading up to the exam so you are giving yourself small areas to study each week instead of info dumping your mind at once.

After you have written it all down. Put the paper away - you’ve made a plan for the exam already. Don’t stress yourself over it for now.

Now do whatever it is you need to do in order to cope with your personal concerns.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Cancer is never a pleasant subject and it takes a lot of strength to hold yourself together when the topic comes up. I myself have had to experience it with family members twice, so I know what you are going through.

I don’t know if my words are helping at all, but feel free to vent to me as much as you want, okay? I’m guessing by the time this posts it will be 2 or so days before your mother will find out her result.

I don’t want you to tell me anything unless you personally want to, but if you would like to update me on the circumstance then feel free to do so.

Stay strong, Anon *hugs*

#asks

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babeejeon · 5 years

Text

tag tag tag

@livlovesbangtan and @gukieyoongles tagged me, thanxx 🤭🤭🤭

I wrote too much stuff and also stupid stuff, feel free to pass it if it bores you. But it really relieved me to get these of my chest.

little rules our game has is;

*tag the person who tagged you

*answer the questions

*tag 10 people

i am starting ahahaha!

1. how tall are you?

I am 163 cm i guess, but I haven’t have measured since 8th grade and actually I feel like I haven’t grow since then. And my lil sis is even taller than my ideal height, ugh cryyy... Is there any one magic to spare me a few centimeters 🙏🙏

2. what colour and style is your hair?

My real hair colour is dark brown but i colored my hair with some temporary hair dye at the end of 2017 and around february 2018, 2 times. I dye it to a colour ‘Toffee Caramel’ and since my hair has really dark colour i didn’t expect it to change my hair colour too much but i think it did. Actually the dye was popular and also under nice brand. So i trusted and it was saying only for 28 wash or something <sorry i couldn’t translate 🤭🤭🤭> But i still have that dye at the ends of my hair but it looks horrible but my hair is so damaged. I cut it short, it doesn’t get longer and i don’t know what to do. I want to dye my hair in darker colour, similar to my real hair color and have my own colour back but my sister doensn’t let me do. HELP!!!

3. what colour are your eyes?

Dark brown 🤭🤭🤭 listen this song 😉 this song for all the jungoo lovers..

PS: I might write somethings about this song 🤭🤭🤭

4. do you wear glasses?

Thankfully no. Because glasses never look good on me, even sunglasses. Maybe because i have sharp and thick eye brows but i love my eye brows 🤭 🤭🤭 But everyone in my family wears glasses due to eye problems so i might wear in the future.

5. Do you wear braces?

I never wear braces and actually i am scared of dentists so i am glad.

6. what’s your fashion sense?

Actually it is very complicated. I might like anything. But i am not so into popular fashion sense, i sometimes find it weird or can’t like some fashion trends no matter what.

I like to wear anything i found stylish and what wanted to wear and if feel that suited me. Actually if i feel confident with my clothes, hair, make up and over all look, my day starts so nice but if not, nothing helps too much. But lately i am in a depressive mood, especially at college and i feel super fat and ugly and i had other problems. But i am in a spring break and i hope to start motivated to new semester.

I love high waisted jeans and short tshirts. I dont like thick sweaters because i feel suffocated idk why. I love wearing short sleeves any time. I love sneakers. I love cute clothes.

7. full name?

I dont want to expose my real name here, I mean friends i have here know it but this post can be seen by everyone and i dont want anyone from my real life to find me so i am passing this question, sorry 🤗🤗🤗

8. when were you born?

I was born in 1999 and @gukieyoongles i definetely agree to you about being 90′s child ahaha if my older sister read this she would laugh at this 90′s child part but yes i am 😒😒😒

9. where are you from and where do you live now?

I will pass this question too, sorry 🤗🤗🤗

10. what school do you go to?

I am in college or university, I don’t know the difference between them, please enlighten me. We use university in my language but to be exact i am undergraduate student.

11. what kind of student are you?

I used to be number one student because my mother was primary school teacher, my father is professor at university and my sister studied in best schools. So i had the effect and actually i was so focused and used to this thing. But in last semester of 10th grade my life turned upside down in the aspect of success. I lose it so fast and it added up my depression, I felt like only speciality i had was being a succesful student and now i am nothing. But i actually lost my motivation that times so i didnt put some effort. But due to my 10 years of hard work, I get the chance to get into nice university.

I am still lazy and unsuccessful but lately trying to get better so wish me luck 🙏🙏🙏

12. do you like school?

I dont like it but that must be something with my self. Because after 2 semesters i still couldn’t adapt it totally. I hate being alone at school but also i am not such a social butterfly. So i feel confused. I have friends but i feel awkward sometimes. I don’t know adult life is so hard.

And also i sometimes feel like i hate my major but sometimes i love. So when the lessons are hard i cry and feeling like i dont belong here. So my advise is studying your dream job. but i dont have one, so yeah 😫😫😫

13. favorite subject?

Actually none, engineering majors suck. I love English lessons because i only feel confident in them and understand things easily and sometimes enjoy. But it is also about academic sides of English, so not very fun.

14. favourite tv shows?

I don’t watch tv, also i don’t watch tv shows online too. I sometime start series on Netflix or some korean dramas but lose my interest soon. I AM BORED BORING 🤐🤐🤐

15. favourite movie?

I don’t have an exact one but I love Harry Potter films and Midnight in Paris as the ones i remember. I recently watched To All The Boys i Loved Before, Like for Likes(korean film), Shazam and enjoyed all there of them. But i don’t have a favourite one because i don’t watch a lot.

16. favourite books?

I am not a good reader of real life books because i might lost my consciousnes with fanfiction and fangirl stuff. But now i really want to read somethings, but have no time, but will try my best. This year i finally read Pride and Prejudice and love it too much. *searches for her Darcy hopelessly* 🤭🤭🤭 I also read a book related to Pride and Prejudice, it’s name is Austenland and it slapped me in the face about reality. If someone read it, dm me, i really need someone to talk about it without giving spoilers.

Also i read last year Stranger by Albert Camus. I don’t think i understand it exactly but it gave me this feeling in my chest. I think a lot of people probably read it, I would also love to talk about this book if you dm me.

I read all Harry Potter books except the last one idk why. But i read them in 8th grade. I know I was pretty late to read them but I was scared of Harry Potter 🤭🤭🤭 But now I reminisce that year as the best year of my life despite the fact that i was preparing for high school enterance exams. So Harry Potter holds a lot of emotions and memories for me.

17. favourite pastime?

Wasting my time! Spending all my time on social media. Sleeping too much. Listening music with my earphones and stare outside dreamily. Doing some penpal and bulletjournaling projects(i cant do lately tho)

But in everyday life my favourite past time is listening songs we like while my sister is driving us to school. We also talk, gossip, laugh, sing along. We do it everyday while commuting and i enjoy it too much. Our school is pretty far and i dont really enjoy car rides but sometimes i enjoy this time too much that i want it to last longer.

18. do you have any regrets?

Too many. But i can’t change them. So best thing is focusing to future but I am a person who lives thinking past and lost chances or mistakes so it ruins me. But actually to live it free, forgetting and trying to not to do them again is the best.

19. dream job?

I dont really know, but something that can make me happy. I want to go to work eagerly, enjoy my work and be proud of with my life. Something that can satisfy me and make me improve myself.

I had dreamed to be singer similar to @livlovesbangtan . But I might hate singing if I have the responsibility so no. I would love to sing and annoy people while showering like Namjoon. 🤭🤭🤭

20. would you ever like to be married?

Yes, i would love to. But actually for a very long time marriage scared me. Because of the people around me and our culture. My dad and mom had rational marriage so it also made me lose my faith. Also i see like everyone marry and streotypical life starts. People work, have childs and WHAT!!!

I am not necesserily living for marrying. I would never, if I can’t find the love of my life or i can’t trust someone. But i am such a hopeless romantic, I want to experience pure love for someone and get the same love back. It doesn’t sound so realistic so I might find it ever. But still i wish.

I want to have someone I can trust but actually it never happens in real life. Or i can’t like someone in that way, i always find some flaws. So i really need to fall in love miserably to not to see anything and love someone too much, but i don’t know if i can.

I want my s/o to propose me in a night picnic, alone and out of sudden. I would love him to carry the ring in his necklace and didn’t plan to propose exactly. Like he wants to but doesn’t know when, so he carries it with him. And that night with outbursting love, he would propose me and i accept and we have surprise weddding that night by our selves. UwU *dead*

21. would you like to have kids?

I am not sure. First of all, I would marry to spend all my time with my s/o not for having childs. <saying this just because a lot of people around me does like that>

I love kids but I am not sure. Like they are so cute as a baby and child but what if i can’t stand while they are in puberty?! 🤭🤭🤭

Also i sometimes feel like ‘why did i born? i didn’t want this? i don’t want to live!’ . Also feel like what if my child feels the same? Also think it is selfish to bring someone to life because we want to but life is just for suffering. Idk, i am pretty pessimist sometimes. And i dont know 😭😭😭

but i love babies, especially when they hold my forefinger with their whole fist. *cryyyyyy*

22. how many?

Idk, bro.

23. do you like shopping?

Yes 😉🤗🤭 i love to buy stupid things that i dont need or use.

24. what countries have you visited?

I only visited UK and actually i loved it 😍😍😍. Also spent one day in Georgia, see around in a one day trip. But i would like to see more.

25. scariest nightmare you have ever had?

Let’s not talk about this. I see stupid, weird, annoying, scary dreams too much and i hate it.

26. any enemies?

I used to have too many, but actually i realised it was one sided hate. They annoyed me but didn’t give any fuck. I hated but it only effected me, they continued carelessly so i decided to not to have one. I feel annoyed and dislike and hate people but control it to not to effect on my life. Also i try to not to have any fights with anyone. If i really don’t like them i ignore them etc.

27. any significant other?

Not yet but waiting for him to find me!

But i can’t pass this without mentioning jeon the dork jungkook. I love him 😍😭🤭

28. do you get along with your family?

I love them and i am very attached to them but also fight with them time to time.

29. do you believe in miracles?

I believe but don’t believe i will have one.

30. how are you?

I dont know. Not too bad, not too good, enjoying but sometimes bored but sometimes tired of this life but sometimes enjoying too much???

I warned at the start so i don’t know if someone is reading still. but thanks for reading and feel free to talk to me about this stuff.

I tag everyone who wants, please tag me so i can read your answers. as the 10 people thing;

@teanites @artjjk @nochuuuenthusiast @yoongspeach @iamsadsstuff @mintseesaw @jeons-wasabi @arthoejaebum @yoongithes @kayakookie

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turquoisequiche · 5 years

Text

Need to vent

Ps: this is long and I'm on mobile so I cant add a "read more" divider. Just scroll thru it real fast thanks.

So I'm a recent graduate and I've been feeling and thinking about a lot of things. I feel like I've just sprinted through 3 years to achieve my degree, and that has been my goal the whole time. So now that I've achieved it... what next?? All I know is that I need to secure a job but hahaha this is where I start worrying.

I feel like I DONT KNOW SHIT. I dont know anything about the real world and wtf have I learned in uni? No fucking idea. Second, I fucked up in uni by not getting an internship. I tried applying but it was extremely competitive (got none), applied for part time jobs (went for some interviews, got none) so I told myself to focus on my studies cause I cant be failing! Because as an international student one subject costs about $4000 hahahfuck. Basically I have jack shit to show for on my resume, I would say i have decent grades... and small sections of previous part time jobs which counts as work experience... but other than that zilch :/ like i know im not good enough and i just think what's the point of applying if I'm going to fail anyway??

Another thing is now that I'm back in my home country for a break, I have to make a decision on whether to stay OR apply for a work visa back to Sydney which would be valid for 2 years. The thing is: to apply for this visa I gotta do it within 6 months of my graduation (which is by june), and I have to be in Sydney while applying it (also there's a hefty fee ofc oof). I feel like at this point and from advice I've received from relatives is to try something new that you wouldn't have done otherwise, just do it ya know. So if I follow that advice, I feel like I should go back to sydney, apply jobs there and gain work experience there for 2 years . Sounds dandy right?

bUT what if I dont get a job? I'mma be realistic here: fresh grad with less than impressionable resumes are gonna have a hard time landing a full time job. not to mention employers favor citizens and permanent residents over immigrants because of Visa and paperwork BS. From what ive read some ppl take 8 months ++ to get one. If that happens, that 2 year work visa is gonna be an absolute waste. And I feel so bad because my parents would be paying for that visa.

However what I'm gonna do for now is to send lots of resumes to employers in my home country and if I get a callback we'll see if I wanna stay or go. WHCIH BRINGS ME TO ANOTHER POINT: I FUCKING HATE JOB HUNTING. Why the fuck do I need to make an account on the employers website, craft my resume, peRSONALIZE THE COVER LETTER TO DIFF JOBS JUST TO HAVE HR GLANCED THRU THAT SHIT IN 2 MINS. I bet most of them don't even read the cover letter jFCCNJDJCKS. I absolutely hate writing that shit, it takes up SO MUCH of my time and just the whole process of job search takes like 5 hours. I'm also super meticulous about what I write and I'll make sure everything is done nicely down to the fucjing font size. So that's probably it as well. I hope I'll get better at this once I start applying for more.

This whole thing wouldn't stress me so much if there wasnt a specific time limit that I need to make a decision by!!! If I wanna apply for that work visa I'd also have to take an additional English exam (it's ridiculous but dont fucking ask why). Ok so the visa application takes around 50 days to process, that means I have to be in sydney by April if I wanna apply for it (to get the results by june). Which means I need to make a decision by March. My dad advised me to apply locally, and if I do get a callback before march, I can decide if I wanna accept any job offers and stay, or apply for the Visa anyway. But lets be real, I don't think I can get offers by March lol. I just dont really know what I should do. I don't know what I want at all and I'm so frustrated at myself and at everyone. Make wrong choices they said, you'll learn from it. But what if the choices you make comes at the expense of your parents pocket?

I just feel like my life is shit, I'm getting so worried, anxious and stressed that I'm literally having butterflies.

#personal

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ekel-a · 3 years

Text

What is 'Enough'

When It was time for me to go to high school, My parents spent an awful lot of time looking for good schools for me …we drove from Arusha to Moshi, Kibaha to Morogoro, Tanga to Bagamoyo. I did an awful lot of interviews. But I never got into any one of those ‘good gifted schools’ In my parents eyes I was smart and they, like every other African Parent, wanted their child in one of those ‘special’ schools one of those schools where kids speak in mathematics and dream in psychics.The schools my parents went to, They, unlike me, refused to admit that I was average and ordinary. Oh Mom and Dad. We went from school to school…but the answer was always the same, she’s not tall enough, she’s too young, she’s not quick enough, she’s not fast enough, she’s not smart enough, she does not know enough mathematics, she doesn’t know enough Kiswahili, she’s just not enough! She’s not good enough for commerce, she’s not good enough for science, I heard it over and over…and those words can break you as a child, because…what was ‘enough’ Of course they never said it to my face, they would say it in whispers in the school corridors as they walked my parents around. And I was too curious to sit around and wait so I would follow them, and I would hear over and over those words ‘not enough’. And I always wondered ‘What is enough?’ I honestly don’t like special schools, they made the rest of us feel like we were some sort of idiots.. my life goal was to make special schools for average kids, like us. Kids who who got 3 in the first try when they did 1 + 1, yes we’re special too. And no not 'crazy' kinda special (Geeees relax a lil bit) I remember I went to a certain school in Arusha and did an interview, I was with my Mother only this time. And I thought I did pretty well, I did science subjects and the headmaster, pretty nice tall slim guy. He offered me juice after the interview and talked to me a little, unlike all the other schools I was interviewed in. I really thought I was in, the kids there were lovely and I loved it, in fact I had already made friends and picked a dorm room, chose a spot to hang out and made peace with the school cooks. yes I was fast like that…all that in 3 hours only, if they gave me 2 more days I swear I would’ve been president…, you betcha I know how to mingle. Until well, I overheard the conversation he had with my mother ‘She cant get in, she’s way too behind in her syllabus she wont be able catch up’ Its like heaven was falling over me.I could see the devastation on my mothers face, the look in her eyes, her face dropped, I could see she was tired and it just broke me, I was tired of seeing her tired. So when he came to me to tell me how smart I was but there was no space I walked upto to him as he was leaving and pulled his coat. Pupils dilated you could almost pull a tear from my left eye. The words were sour in my chest and I felt a little pain in my chest as I uttered them…‘ I’ll catch up, I will work really hard, I will show you, I learn fast if you can teach me, please let me in, I promise you I will pass well, you will see I promise’ I remember saying words close to those, practically begging him. My heart was beating so fast vultures could hear it from ten miles away. This was my only shot. This man, in my eyes, held my destiny, I felt like I was letting my parents down one more time and I wanted to fix it.The smile on his face was gone and he was more serious now, He bent on one knee ( I was very short) to reach to my height and said right to my face, and I remember the sentence word by word….because they played in my head all through high school, all through university.‘ I cannot teach you what you don’t already Know’I stood there, I might have been young but I was not totally blank, what a way to tell a child that she was an idiot, I wasn’t gonna let him get away with it… ‘But I know more about Biology, Mathematics, Physics than I did in the test, I know more I can learn more’He said the last words in a whisper almost had me in tears ‘ My Child, You don’t know enough’Those words rang in my head throughout my whole childhood. Before every exam I ever did throughout my whole life, and I promised myself I will never use that word on a child, and If you’re a parent, please do not.I stood there my eyes glared as my mother walked in, never lost her composure, bless her heart, smiled and talked a little with the headmaster and we left, off to board a bus and walk on home. I could tell she was sad, But she never uttered a word of it, ever. We stayed for a while before she announced we had to do another interview, I was devastated, Do I really need to go to those special schools, I always asked them, Cant I just go to an ordinary school, But they would always remind me that those schools had better teachers and better classes and better education. Better education. So weeks before I went to interview at this new school, I studied every book there was and did all past papers this country ever had, I wanted to know enough and because It was catholic school I read the bible too, page to page From the apple in garden of Eden to how we will burn in a certain river for our sins ..., you never know what enough meant down there. As soon as I arrived I was received by a nun who was the headmistress at the school, she was kind and patient with me she showed me the waiting room as she talked to my mother, and to my surprise, there was no interview test, there was no entrance exam. They just examine your old school’s results and you’re in, and my old school results were okay so I got in.I had so many questions for the headmistress.‘Aren’t you scared of children who don’t know enough messing up your perfect pass rate?’ I asked her as she held my hand to show me to the gate. She looked at me almost in disbelief that this question was coming from a child‘What you know is an outcome of how much you’re willing to know’ The woman never spoke much. She said goodbye and I waved. I was just happy I finally got a school.When I finally went to that school, it wasn’t fancy, but the plus side was they had so much books and I was so glad, I read every single book there was, from history of roman empires to engineering books that were way beyond me. I read readers digests from 1930s and magazines from the 60s, all for my need to know ‘enough’. But that my friends is a quick history in my thirst and search for the feeling of ‘enough’… I kept reading, indulging obsessing over everything and anything but never quite got the hang of the real meaning of knowing enough.Fast forward my first year in college, I was sitting around with my 5 10 page assignments gazing outside into the trees daydreaming of getting married to a rich man with a house in 10 countries with butlers and maids delivering my breakfast from our other house in France because I like ‘french toast’ (don’t judge me like that, every girl has had this dream at some point of difficulty in her life, every girl!) The professor said something that woke me, in Economics, She said a quote from Thomas Sowell she said "The first lesson of economics is scarcity: there is never enough of anything to fully satisfy all those who want it" But What is enough? Enough for who? Last week I went to a graduation ceremony and met some wonderful children. They were pre form kids,. they acted out a beautiful play and kept making errors in the dialogue I could tell their teacher was furious but the kids were so jolly …and it was so hard not to laugh at their errors they were laughing tooo..we all laughed, and one of the kids was so nervous she ran outside and hid. I asked their headmaster what criteria they use to advance them to Form 1 and he said none. We teach them all they need to know and advance them when we see they have passed well.‘What happens if they don’t pass,?’‘They keep studying until they do, eventually they do, we are patient’I nodded. Glad they never got turned down. There was no pressure, to be Enough. I met that ol headmaster last month he was older, white hair not young and built like the last time I saw him, we were undergoing training for a project we were doing and he was one of the trainers, he didn’t remember me, not that I expected him to, I Imagine he must have met at least a million children or more in his lifetime. In my heart I had hoped he would remember and see how I had progressed and see who I grew into and became, but something told me it would not make a difference. So I just passed him by like I didn’t know him. When it was time for one on One training he came to me and went through my work and was rather pleased. He called all the other trainers and it became a long pleasant conversation, from history to science to community to economics to everything you could think of and I could not stop myself from talking on and on…my mind was saying stop but every thing the old man would say I would jump in with a word or two. It was a very bad habit, and I was ashamed later on. And as I was leaving he said in a whisper, almost in the same voice I had heard years ago. ‘ My child, you know a little too much for your age, where did you go to school? Did you study abroad?’‘In a little catholic school In some village you probably never heard of’‘You should’ve gone to our school’ he said as he looked around to his fellows ‘ we schooled professors, engineers, businessmen, in our time, perfect grades’‘ I would’ve, but back then I didn’t know enough….but thank you,’ I said, yes I was bitter and it was petty. It was 10 years ago maybe 12 and bringing it up wouldn’t make any difference but just a smirk of satisfaction as he looked somewhat puzzled. He probably never knew what I meant and will never understand what I meant, But it was better that way. So I kept it that way. Am I angry, That I got turned down so many times. Bloody yeah!! But I'm also happy because we have to realize we dont always need what we think we need to excel...we only need ourselves and our hunger to learn. We are enough for ourselves.

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cockbiteproductions · 6 years

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im just gonna. off topic rant about like 5 different things with no connection. sorry for the word vomit if anyone actually reads this. i kinda hope not.

i hate me and the way I Am. even if it werent for the Mental Illness i’d still be a piece of Shit. Everything About Me Is Undesirable And Literally No One On This Planet Would Ever Like Me For Any Reason Whatsoever.

my expectations for when i went to college was that i would make 0 friends and the fact that that isnt the case is literally mindblowing to me. and im terrible to them and i hate myself for it but i cant fucking be nice because im an asshole.

and reflecting on myself these past few months im just. Yikes. im such a goddamn waste of Space. everything i do is terrible. my grades are terrible. im literally only taking 15 credit hours and yet i cant fucking get that right. some people work two jobs while being a full time student and here i am fucking complaining about 15 credit hours. im so goddamn pathetic.

and im so tired of studying. ive been studying pretty much non stop since sunday night and its literally only tuesday and im out of motivation to study but i have another exam tomorrow and i just cant get myself to do ANYTHING for it.

long term depression is like normally having 3/10 spoons every day and some days u wake up and have 6/10 and its a Good Day but then an Event happens and suddenly youre at 0 spoons but you still have to Exist and its just Too Much and everyone is like whats wrong and just. I Want To Cease. Everything Is Terrible. and some days u start out at like 1 spoon and those days are when i just start crying after my roommate leaves and try not to be Actively Suicidal. tho really lets be fucking real im too much of a coward to actually be actively suicidal so thats not gonna be a problem.

and recently i read this article about asian americans and affirmative action in college applications and it made me hyperaware of being asian and how literally everything i am is an asian stereotype except. im a fucking failure of that stereotype. my test scores are good but not Good. im smart but not Smart. im good at violin but not Good. im good at programming but not Good. im basically above the curve on everything but not at the stereotypical “asian” standard and god i know it sounds like such a douchey thing to say. im basically complaining about being smart. but its not fucking Good Enough and i hate that its not good enough and i know i dont have to live up to the stereotype but god im such a fucking stereotype what else can i be and i hate it. i hate the asian american overachieving image. i had all the advantages. socioeconomic status. concerted cultivation. fucking everything. but something went wrong in the process. and the only explanation i can think of is something about Me fucked it all up. because it wasn’t anything else that could have. and anyways i read this article right in the middle of a game night with friends and basically Shut Down and im such a fucking downer to the group like. what the fuck is wrong with me. why cant i have a good time and not bring everyone down with me. and then i left and sat in the bathroom for like 20 minutes trying to decide if i could get to the roof of my building. wow god i hope no one i know irl reads this. its such a fucking mess.

oh lmao thats another thing. im literally Incapable of talking about myself and opening up to people i know irl. it makes me feel way too vulnerable and i cant Handle that. its fucking mortifying if anyone i interact with on a regular basis knows Anything about me. which is why now i gotta vent to the void of strangers on the internet. except now there’s a bleed through considering some people i know irl know my tumblr handle. so i actually sat here for like 15 minutes debating whether or not to post this since i dont want people i know talking to me about this.

the internet is basically the place i can actually talk about myself and people i Know aren’t allowed to know about me. which creates a real fucking dilemma when i make posts like this. anyways i want to not be me thanks.

#teresa talks #not rt #personal #its seriously long #im such a fucking piece of shit

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jewel-s-blog · 4 years

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about me + bias list

hi there, I’m jewel :)

she/her/hers ・ 20 ・ kpop (writing) blog

Yes, Jewel is my real name although my parents admit I was supposed to be named elizabeth but changed their minds last minute after I was born how cute and I’m currently in university. I study political science and japanese for those wondering (because yes, I am japanese and it’s helpful when you live in hawaii to have that degree yk?). If any of this stuff is even mildly interesting and you have any curiosities, pls feel free to ask me!

I try to write some things when I can, so feel free to take a look at my masterlist. I also read A LOT of fics on this site, so also peep my recs if you feel like it. Warning: its mostly fluff and angst and almost always includes smut but there’s some really good stuff worth reading still!

Feel free to talk to me :) i don’t have any kpop friends irl :( all my friends are locals smh

I try my hardest to be active as much as possible but it’s taken me over a year to finally get used to tumblr lol marklee and i both struggle with complex technology i guess Of course, there are times when I get busy with college and will probably seem to drop off the face of the planet exam season kills but now that I’ve been in quarantine for a month, I figured now is the best time to start building an active tumblr routine.

That’s all for now! Keep reading below for my bias list :)

xoxo, jewel <3

Bias List

Before I begin, I will warn that this is basically a giant NCT shxtpost. With LOTS of hyperlinks for educational purposes and absolute crackhead-ery. I’ll eventually make a separate list for other groups I stan, but this blog is mainly NCT and this is already so long so I’ll leave it as this. Enjoy!

Biases are bolded in the beginning of each unit, so you can skip everything after if you don’t wanna see my ramblings following it.

A/N: After biasing nearly every member in NCT/WayV I’ve settled for now on my biases for each unit. This will most likely rotate fairly regularly as I literally fall in love with a different member every day cited here. solo stan? I don’t know her.

ULT

Jaehyun *ahem excuse me i mean*

Johnny Suh, it’s official. Don’t know how to explain, but I love everything about him. In the end, it’s always him. damn i sound like y/n thoughts but istg it’s true From SM Rookies to NCT Life to MV behinds, he’s the one. But I’ve also come to realize that I find myself most relatable to him as a person and I think that’s why no one else can trump him wow narcissist much jewel It’s kind of just my gut feeling. It also helps that hes the fluffiest tall, muscular tight booty hottie on the planet. See this black on black dance practice for further scientific explanation even in this jaehyun trying to wreck me so badddddd

Not gonna lie, I HAD IT BAD FOR MARK LEE still do and yet Johnny overcame that. If mark lee were my first love, johnny is my soulmate.

UPDATE!

Lee Jeno has officially been added to the ult list. *See the entirety of my april activity on my sns accounts if you would like to see how this happened haha :)

NCT U

im in love with him bc he literally reminds me of my boyfriend -- i like chill guys ok

Taeil is my little teddy bear who looks great in red hair and has a voice form heaven. Evidence? Here you go. He didn’t stand out to me much in the beginning because I was either deaf or blind but after Chain, the game was OVER. +moon taeil in shorts?? serve them thighs honey. Love you bebe tomato <3

BUT Doyoung is the #1 bias wrecker here because have you seen his cover of beautiful on masked singer?? have you?? if not, let me educate you. Also his collab with Sejeong?? Literally the cutest MV ever, perfect for Christmas, listened to it every year since it’s release.

Listen to Coming Home - NCT U for further scientific evidence that NCT has top vocals in the kpop industry.

NCT 127

THE Jung Jaehyun. For reasons that need no explanation. but ill give it anyway smh

After watching the performance of herin and jaehyun singing a whole new world I knew that was it for me. (I still watch it once a month for my jaehyun-related health and to honor SM’s biggest loss, seo herin and ji hansol but thats for another conversation) back to jaehyun His vocals are unique in NCT and bring a nice color to their songs, the man looks good in literally anything, and I’ll probably say this about every member, but I love his dance style--body rolls for days sis. Definitely my ideal type, which my boyfriend is 100% aware of; no secrets in my relationship ofc which explains the wreckage. Pretty sure 81% of the fandom gets wrecked by him daily, so I think I’ll stop here.

NCT Dream

Renjun. why? i just think he’s neat but no really, it was this performance (ok actually this got me ALL SORTS OF WRECKED) and this fancam that had me falling in love with him but were gonna ignore the fact that I get bias wrecked DAILY by all the other members GOd-tier vocals, personality for daysssssss, variety KING HUANG RENJUN. Safe to claim that I go into renjun feels about 3x a week. Check my twitter for proof. +dnyl renjun was a blessing and I sometimes cant believe that it actually happened. How do I explain?? He’s literally the best boy, but when he gets all worked up....let’s stop there before I have to go to confession again.

But for fun, lets list why I have biased every dream member at some point shall we? (in no particular order) Dream might just be my ult group, songs always bop, members at star quality

mark- yes i am including mark bc he was the reason i even started stanning dream dreamies leader since mmc days, mentor, A1 rap skills, ad libs go crazy, unparalleled dancing style, hardest worker, cutest watermelon advocate ever, all around amazing person can you tell he used to be my ult? + he’s a good christian boy and my catholic *ss has to confess my sins for being a simp for him 24/7

chenle- vocal GOD, most steady live vocals in kpop, laugh to die for

jeno- i cannot resist his eye smile i wanna cuddle and onstage charisma-2:54 “let’s goooooo” and i alskfdfjlkdldkfa.

jaemin- “other than my members, i don’t have any friends” and yet he’s literally the most caring and wonderful little puff in existence fight me pls dont im a pacifist

heachan- idk why but donghyukie feels like he could be my best friend and also cant stop staring at him in their dance practices his body proportions are unreal and his vocal ad libs?? don’t even get me STARTED on heachans vocals

jisung- he is my son, but also my son’s vocals?? MWAH that voice got me second guessing if he’s really my son

WayV

Ten Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul another member where it kinda just....happened? In the end I was like “damn, when did you sneaky bugger get in my heart?” He’s got a similar vibe as Johnny AND DO NOT COME FOR MY THROAT FOR SAYING THAT THATS MY OPINION Like Johnny, I see myself in Ten. There are so many reasons why I love Ten, so I’ll make it simple and provide them to you.

Reason 1 - Performance/dance he just hit different, he’s THAT good. Reason 2 - vocals the amount his vocals has improved?? UNMATCHED. Reason 3 - INTELLECTUAL (still trying to find the clip of him talking about different kinds of love) Reason 4 - multi-lingual KING ok so this vid is him struggling in mandarin, but imagine, you speak thai and english and learn korean to debut and all of a sudden your agency says “ok learn chinese now.” MANDARIN IS ONE OF THE HARDEST LANGUAGES TO LEARN. Reason 5 - bad b*tch he just radiates bad bitxh energy in everything he does, and I appreciate a bad bitxh

BUT I love wayv’s chaotic energy and chemistry so much that I literally love them all dreamies watch out

+special shoutout to xiaojuns vocals in Love Talk

+kun being a dimpled zaddy (jaehyun&kun type CONFIRMED)

+lucas holding binoculars like THAT @ 1:10

+yangx2 doing THIS (prepare to be blown away)

+hendery being a the best teacher

+winwin BEING WINWIN THE DANCE GOD

+winwin AGAIN and with Ten here i don’t even think i have to say that i tweeted about this everyday for a month and im still not over it. This specific dance really allowed winwin to shine even though ten is my bias. It really allowed others to see the fruit of his classical training even in modern dance which he never trained in. Not gonna be repetitive and SCREAM say that he’s underrated, because we all know that already. Just show winwin some love, ok? thank you.

And so finally, we’ve reached the end. Phew, this took me almost 5 hours to put together because I definitely got carried away. For those who made it all the way to the end, thank you, I love you. It’s so messy and I don’t have the mental capacity to do anymore editing but I hope you got something from this massive post <3 Feel free to let me know what you think! xoxo, jewel

#jewel-s-blog about me #jewel-s-blog bias list #jewel-s-blog

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mariajanec · 4 years

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Jane: Autobiography

I, Ma. Jane A. Constantino, was born on July 28. 2002 in España Manila. My parents are Elfleda Constantino and Jymar Constantino and have a sprout named Brian, I am the oldest. We were a complete family tree until the father leaf fall on October 10. 2003, i was just a 1 year old leaf still growing without knowing my fathers’ fall. After my fathers' funeral, my Mother decided to brought me in Sto. Domingo Albay, my mothers' hometown, and she gave me to my grandparents since no one will take care of me in manila and my mother is so focus on her work as a public school teacher. I was a 3 years old leaf with a happy-go-lucky but an awkward person. When our neighbors or even strangers encountered me, i greet them like a happy bird tweeting in the morning sky, but if they approached me and start to talk to me, my cheeks will burn, stuttered a lot and start to ran away.

I started nursery in a private school in Albay. I was so excited to go on a school because of the possibility that i will have many friends or even playmates. I was so happy on that time but my happy dream crashed when they make fun of me like a clown entertaining them. i was so confused on that time, why are my classmates makes fun of me? is it because i look ugly? When their laugh started to be loud even more, i started to cry with the feeling of confusion and sadness and start to run away and hide in a schools’ stock room. My first day of my first school turns out to be my nightmare. It continues on the second day and more. my eyes are swelling and warm. i cant even breathe properly because of my stuffed nose, and my throat is itching so i cough a lot. It really hurts like they hitting me using a whip. when i realized why they’re making fun of me, it is because of my speech problem when i stuttered a lot. they compared me in a sheep. In that specific day were my grandfather fetch me, he saw me, knelt and crying while holding my brought and wrecked barbie doll. He approached me and asked me what happen and your doll. Then i told him that one of my classmate ruined my barbie doll because it is ‘cheap and ugly’. I really cried a lot because that doll is my one and only doll and i brought it to make a friend even though they’re making fun of me. after i told him what happend, my grandmother cooked my favorite food, a warm and vinegary taste and smell with the variety of vegetables with pork meat all in one pot called sinigang na baboy. It was my comfort food when i was a little because of the sourly taste that tickles in my tongue. and the juiciness of pork meat that i really enjoy to chew like a bubble gum. I didn’t go to school in the other day but my grandparents are, they go talk to my teacher my experiences that i tell to them inside the school. I just do nothing aside from playing with my teddy bears when my mother suddenly came out of the blue. When my Grandparents came back, they talk to my mother about me bringing back to manila to continue my studies in the city. My grandparents agreed and also told my mother about my bad experiences in school. Saturday, me and my mother came back to manila, i was a 6 years old leaf and still growing.

I skipped kindergarten on 2007 and started grade 1 on La Paz Elementary School on 2008. A School where my mother is working as a grade 2 teacher. This School Is very far from our home, it takes 1 and a half hours to commute since our home is located in Sampaloc Manila. During my elementary days, I became quite talkative but still an awkward person. Because of my past experiences in nursery, I am picky on choosing a person who i feel like trusted like I’m picking a fresh fishes in the market. My personality slowly turning into a simple and a contented person. It feels like I’m opening my closet very slowly to be sure I am adjusting my self properly to the environment, but i suddenly shuts down my closet when I’m in sixth grade, compared to my previous problem when i was in nursery, this is the worse experience i had encountered. I really humiliated myself in front of my classmates because of my foolish mistake, I cheated during my final exam. I brought the test paper with correct answer during exam without doubting it and copied all of the answers. After my adviser and also my ninang find out that i brought the test paper, she told my mom about it and my mom was shocked and angry at me at the same time. Without hesitation, she pulled me forcefully in front of my class and start scolding my while spanking me. She is like an erupting volcano ready to explode and i didn’t do anything. I cried and cried until my face was flushed red and started to feel regret at what i did. I really regret anything because it is no just me who is humiliated, also my mother is humiliated because she is a teacher and she finds out that her daughter is cheating on final exam. After that problem, i apologized to them especially to my mom and back being under the closet until my graduation. I was an 11 years old leaf and still growing.

I studied in Carlos L. Albert High School in Quezon City Because it is just a walking distance from our house. This School level really REALLY changed me not just as a person but also a human being. I was grade 7 when i met my very best, trusted, and true friends. They are Angel and Daniellah. i thought they will avoid me when they learn what are my past experiences when i was in elementary. instead, they helped me to move on and to be a happy person. In 8th grade, we separated because we are from different section, but at least we are still best friends. In Grade 9, another amazing people came to my life. They are Carl, Sherrymae, Pamela, and ate Jewel. Also we have ‘barkada’ named ‘K-Patatas’ because all of us likes k pop and also broke and ugly so we came up to that conclusion to name our group in that name. They made me comfortable so i came out of my closet. I became a simple yet a happy and contented person like I am free to do what i like. They make me feel how I am important not just to them but to the other people because they said to me that I am their happy pill and i cried in joy because of that. even though i made a mistake, they corrected me to my mistakes that I've committed. They pulled me from my dark past and they made me a new world where I am happy and contented in my life, thanks to them. I was in grade 10 and we separated again but we’re not devastated because we have the same specialization which is Nihongo lessons so we are still together in that subject. I also joined C.A.T where we were training like a soldier but in school i joined because i want to experience it and also want to enjoy my last remaining year as a Junior High School student. I also have a friend in our troupe named Ramel. In this troupe, it also had a blooming love that will never ever avoid where my co lieutenant from another group has a big fat crush on me. He even created a song for me and gifted me a chocolates during valentines day. He send a long messages for me during Christmas break relating on how he first met me and how he fell for me. I, also feel like i have butterflies dancing in my tummy because i feel like I am the very special girl in his life. But the thing is, I do not like him. I feel like It is my fault on why he is in love with me.In that night after the moving up ceremony, i hesitate to tell him in chat that don’t have feelings for him, but i did and he reply ‘it’s ok’ and feel my heart is crushing into pieces because i don’t want him to feel sad so i reply to him that I’m sorry for not loving you back. My body slowly turns into a barbel and suddenly cried because he deserves to be loved and I’m blaming myself. But now, we are acquaintance. I was 15 years old leaf and still growing.

Senior High School Came and I’m still adjusting to the new environment. New school, New friends, New mentality. I was in grade 11 and I don’t have any friends because i wanted to be alone. But i still talking to them since we are classmates, we are helping each other. but when the stress came to my body, I feel like i am aching not just physically but mentally because of the activities in school. Sometimes when I’m alone in my bedroom after school, the glimpse of tears shed without a reason, but the feeling is like i want to cry and cry until my eyes are dry. As the warm water running through my cheeks and the redness of my stuffy nose, i realized that i need someone. In my life as a grade 11 student, I think that no one is interested in me because of my quiet and boring personality. And I really overthink that if i talk too much, they will get annoyed. but then, too many realizations that came to my mind but only one main realization really punched me to reality. I need to love myself to be more contented and to be more happy. Because of that, I study hard and make a goal and also have a me time where i meditate myself. and now, I am grade 12 student, with honors, a part of a school paper called ‘the estrellian lights’ under feature writing. I am still loving and enjoying myself and ready to be more open to the others. I am 17 years old leaf and still growing.

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perfectionistincrisis · 6 years

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-3-

so this is about the third thing. when i was giving my surgery finals, i was having horrible days. i could not concentrate; i felt so restless and my heart was so heavy. i really missed him so much. all i wanted was to talk to him. and not being able to do so was bothering me so much. i honestly could not focus much on my studies. i can say that it did significantly affect my studies those days. so many thoughts used to come to my head. thoughts about if there is any possible solutions which would finally lead to us being able to talk & how long is it going to take and blabla. i was so fragile, i was ready to do anything to just get to talk to him; not just for a moment, but to actually be with him forever. Now, i’ve had these moments where i felt so weak and helpless a lot of times earlier but idk, there was just something different about it when i felt that way during my exams. may be because i was under stress and i really wished he was there beside me to make things better? but idk, i mean i wasnt really that stressed, but what was happening to me was that my heart was getting ripped into pieces and i wasnt able to concentrate on studying at all because i wanted him so badly right then.. and then it was getting so late and i couldnt study much at all, so i finally freaked out. so yeah, idk. it was horrible; i never felt this bad. its like he has so much control over my emotions; any small thing he does has the power to bring back life in me and can also rip me apart. up to this very day, he has that much control over my heart.. What i learned all over again about myself is that, i am just not that person who likes living on their own. I mean yeah I do have my family around me, and I do need them, i do. The amount of support they give me; I swear I woulve been dead by now if I wouldnt get that. But that is just not enough for me.. I need way more than that.. I need him too..

And i dont have him.. And there were 2 days during the last last week, when I was home alone because I had to study for my finals. I just can’t be alone.. I already feel alone all the time. Even when I am in a crowd. But when my family is around, idk how magically I am fine. My heart may be tearing apart inside my chest but then when you look at me, you see me smiling, laughing, chatting with them. It is like there are 2 of me. One which weeps 24 7 because it feel alone. And then theres another me which keeps the first one caged and doesnt let it come out. And it is in control most of the time; it manages to do it so well. It is wickedly wise and tries so hard to smile and just breathe peacefully. But the moment, I am actually alone - no humans around me - It just loses all its strength and cant keep the inner me caged anymore - and all of me just crumbles and i end up in bed crying. it starts with me being extremely sad and heart broken, and then randomly bad memories, anything at all just keep coming up, oiling that burning flame inside of me. and it just hurts and it hurts and i cry out loudly.. and then when the sound of my cry echoes in my ears - this is it - all that sadness just turns into fear - i get scared of my own self - like, what the hell is wrong with me? why am i crying like this? is it even normal? Do i have a problem? and and.. this is it.. it starts with so much sadness but ultimately it turns into fear, and then the impact just gets weaker and weak and I slowly fall asleep.. This happened to me both the days I was home alone.

sigh.

So i was thinking a lot, and although it there couldve been chances of us being together if we came from a different society; but the one where we come from - it’s pretty hard to be together right now. it will take time - more likely a really long time. but possibly could be faster..idk.. i do trust Him and know that whatever He does is for the best of our interests.. but He did tell us to do everything we can in order to get what we want.. and then to pray to Him and trust Him with it. So yeah.. I really dont know how much i can do.. but i really want to get somewhere with my life where i can take care of myself, and provide for myself soon.. I don’t know why i feel like reaching a stage where i can be independent would increase our chances of getting together, inshaAllah.. but i am not really sure.. but i have to try.. and He knows the best

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identitycris1s · 5 years

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so this is the new year

im finally taking time to sit down and reflect on the past few months. the new year came and went and its been a bit of a whirlwind. i suppose i’ll just go by chronological order cos i dont really know how to start...also i dont think im an abstract thinker so really my life isnt ordered by “themes” or “lessons” or whatever but i sort of think of it in terms of events and the epiphanies or lessons that flow therefrom. this is probably just gonna be a stream of consciousness exposition cos im lazy to organise my thoughts and this is basically my journal so WHATEVER!

November

X told me he liked me and asked me out. i was shocked. but sort of saw it coming (what else could “r u free after lunch, i have some stuff to say” mean...LOL). i reacted awkwardly - distinctly remember saying “huh..what does that MEAN!!!” (LOL) i told him i would think about it but could probably only give him an answer after part b was over.

tbh this was probably just me stalling for time. i think instinctively i knew that i didnt see him in that way, but he seemed to tick so many boxes in terms of who i was “supposed” to be with - that sounds dumb, but what i mean is he’s a steadfast christian, a good boy, similar values, similar tastes in music / movies / books, same bloody industry LOL...

also he seemed really serious about it - ermmm he brought up marriage on that first day :0 ok i suppose thats unfair and it sounds insane without context - he said it with reference to how dating is always with a view to marriage which i do agree with but yes it was a lot to absorb in one conversation. and then he cracked out this book about dating and marriage and i was like woah. so, given how much thought he seemed to have put into this (he also said he chatted with his CG leader about me yikes) i felt obliged to at least think it through properly and give myself some time to consider rather than immediately rejecting him.

and so i mulled it over whilst studying for part b. he was overseas for a while towards the end of my studying period (ie when i was freaking out the most and generally being a headless chicken) and this probably contributed to me feeling like i liked him more than i really did hmm wonder what this says about me. i like to feel like someone’s out of my reach i suppose. so fucked up lol! and so during this period we were texting everyday and i would look forward to his replies and he was a real source of comfort during that stressful period and i never told him this and i probably never will.

December

exams were over and i had to face D DAY!! so i went to meet him to give him my answer and honestly even on that day i didnt know what my answer was. we met at BTM and he literally had written down a list of things to talk about and i think in that moment i knew this probably wouldnt work out. hes so damn thoughtful about every little thing and he thinks everything through and even though he seems to think he “doesnt take things too seriously” I THINK HE DOES...and i really dont...so i felt that showed how incompatible we were. its not a bad thing to be thoughtful. its just that i felt so pressured by how seriously he was taking things...i thought “trying this out” would be casual and chill and we would just hang out as if we were friends but with this overarching agenda of potentially being together but no his conception of “trying things out” is much more intense and serious and thought out and in his words “intentional”. which i realised is some christian dating jargon haha.

dinner was normal until he cracked out that list i was talking about. then he started talking about what he wanted out of a relationship and asked me what i wanted out of a relationship. like it was a damn interview. you know what, im saying this in a really condescending tone and i wouldnt ever be this hurtful if i knew he was gonna read this - in fact i really do think this kind of approach would suit many people and perhaps a more emotionally well adjusted person would think this was normal but i felt so bombarded and i really didnt know what to say in response. so i blurted out some nonsense about wanting to be with someone who was God fearing and “kind and compassionate” and “ambitious” LMAO...what bullshit (that last one i mean). and he had clearly thought out his answers a lot more and he went on a whole spiel about wanting to be with someone who could stand on their own as a christian and who he didnt have to “drag along” on their walk with God and i was like ok cool but i think im not that...im not what youre looking for...but of course i didnt say this. idk why. maybe i enjoy being wanted and sought after and i didnt want to shatter his illusion that i was what he was looking for, even though i was kinda seeing that he wasnt what i was looking for.

anyway, being the shitty person i am, i told him it wasnt a no but it wasnt a straight out yes either i.e. i would be willing to try with a view to potentially saying yes. and we left it at that. but even as i said bye to him that night i kinda knew this wasnt gonna work...but i wanted it to! i wanted to like him! i want to be the kind of person who can accept love from a well adjusted person who’s not afraid to be real and to take things seriously...but i suppose i have some emotional growth to work on...or is it perfectly valid for me to not want to be with him? tbh i never found him attractive (physically or even personality wise oops) - he doesnt make me laugh, hes kinda too uptight, he doesnt get my jokes (i have to be like “JUST KIDDING” a lot of the time..ded) but somehow we worked as friends. but to be with someone requires something more than just working as friends doesnt it?? ack

so we met a few times in dec (i think we went on four or five “dates” in total...im so reluctant to call them dates cos throughout i just couldnt see him in that light, but thats what they were i think) and through the course of our interactions i started picking up on things that i didnt like about him / about our interactions. this sounds awfully petty and i dont wanna be mean about this cos im sure i have MANY MANY MANY flaws that one could nit pick but these were just some signs that we would not work (quite apart from my lack of physical attraction to him)

1. our conversations always end up argumentative. i think this probably stems from both of us being law students and so whenever we disagree on something we both cant seem to fucking let it go. i distinctly remember one stupid conversation, i shall put it here (not verbatim but this is the gist of it)

X: what are your new years resolutions?

S: i dont like making new years resolutions because they always end up in disappointment because i never stick to them.

X: but disappointment isnt always a bad thing because you can learn from it and improve from there

S: yes but that doesnt mean disappointment isnt a bad thing - cos disappointment in itself is bad (like duh the feeling of disappointment is bad) but what comes after disappointment can be good or bad i.e. you can choose to work on yourself and improve or you can wallow in the disappointment.

-some more argument and confusion about what we are even talking about-

S: ok lets not argue on this its a semantic point.

X: is it semantic? its not semantic.

S: it is semantic. we are disagreeing on what the word disappointment means. i think it is necessarily negative but you are saying that disappointment isnt always negative because of what can come after but i think thats sidestepping the point of disappointment being negative in itself.

do you see what i mean. what kind of petty argument is this? whats the damn point? of course im definitely not blameless in this at all. i perpetuate it. but what im saying is i feel like talking to him brings out this argumentative side of me that im not a fan of. also its fucking exhausting haha.

2. he is so. fucking. serious. every conversation involves some heavy thing like spirituality or self evaluation or Godliness etc. which i suppose is good but i just found it tiring...why cant things be light? why cant things be fun? why do we always have to talk about *important* or *weighty* things? tbh i think he sorta compartmentalises me as a friend whom he can talk about these *weighty* things with cos im also a christian and i get what hes saying when he talks about God but i dont want to only talk about that...

3. we dont have similar senses of humour. i dont think he thinks im funny...but i think im bloody funny ok haha also i dont think im deluded on this? my friends think im funny too? yeah i think its a major problem that we cant really laugh together...hes not someone that makes me laugh at all :(

ok enough bashing X haha i really do think hes a great person we are just NOT compatible romantically.

ANYWAYS! sometime in dec i also met up w SM for the first time in aaaages. but things were like normal again. sounds stupid but i think ill always think of him as the one who got away LOL....emotionally unavailable and not interested in me?? IM DOWN! haha. ok hes not emotionally unavailable tbh i probably was more emotionally unavailable in the course of our friendship but he defo never really expressed any interest in me other than always hanging out one on one but that doesnt really count for anything does it. anyways! he told me about his BTO plans and im honestly v happy for him :) friends r growing up and moving on in life mang..

sad part was i dropped avo toast on my new everlane pants and that honestly ruined my day lol

January

NYE was spent w S and some of her friends plus R and A (who went home after dinner cos of family drama lmao angie is siao) - we went to AL’s fam friends party at fullerton for countdown and the fireworks were amaaaazing, lasted about an hour (which made us question the budget allocation on this tbh isnt it a bit of a waste?? fireworks are insanely expensive??) and we promptly went home after the clock struck 12 which was perfect haha i have no stamina to stay out late anymore.

work started on 2 jan! its been fun tbh - back with the trainees and meeting some new people and using my brain again. i like feeling useful and being stuck in a routine...at least for now haha. check in on me in about 3 months and we’ll see.

and....i finally mustered up the courage to tell X the truth ie i didnt see this going anywhere and we should just be friends. we had kind of an awkward dinner (i could feel myself being rude to him and being dismissive etc but i think it could partially be attributed to me being tired from work..but mostly cos i didnt wanna be with him!! as a romantic partner!! it felt wrong!) and so i told him after dinner otw to the mrt (funny, we always have these convos otw to the mrt haha). he said he understood and he sort of felt it coming. and i felt bad - he mustve picked up on my coldness and rudeness over text and in our meetings also...why am i like this. i shouldve been up front with him on the first day. but i didnt know!!! i didnt know for sure this is how i felt. ahhh well u live and u learn right. next time ill be better at this. hope theres a next time LOL God pls send me someone whos right for me

ok bye for now! this was a lengthy post haha

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shytiff · 3 years

Text

Small Nov Wins

1 - cant bring myself to study, got out of bed 10:30-ish am. While lazing around i read royal servant and do random internet stuff and watched romee's vlogs. Ate breakfast and i somehow has no appetite?? This is rare. e, cicil kompre began at 15:30 pm (i know, i waste my time a lot). Pengumuman wahana mpi wow yay kalideres makara and budi asih

2 - the weather was pleasantly cloudy. poli anestesi anak, simul. went to what used to be calais, its called flavola now. at this point i quite need some calories because i only ate bubur ayam and its like 2-3 pm ish. Eventually the hunger is gone, arrived home at about 4-ish, drank protein to curb my hunger (nanggung dinner). dad said sumn that annoyed me so after maghrib i just lazed in bed, not feeling like doing anything (even though there’s lots of exams and hw lmao), fell asleep

3 - woke up at 2 am, prated, randomly searched for angel - chancellor and taeyeon’s lyrics and i basically wept at 4 am. i assumed the song was just like,,, a guy talking to a girl, his angel, you know. EXCEPT,,,,,,,,. the 2 MVs was also rly222 beautiful 🥺. Poli geriatri today, didnt even see patient because there was no more at that time (status salin nadia). ate ichiban salad (surprisingly quite good) at dm bcs i rly do be functioning better outdoors, made matcha latte with full cream milk ((powder)), cicil PT

4 - can finally wake up late. finished 1 sitasi pt, made ikk ppt, bujing lina called about diarrhea and nausea meds, laddered the leader for tomorrow’s exam and it,, was,,, me,, group call with shiko. frantically studied for EA

5 - PT (finished in 45 mins), simul as a leader, with STEMI, VF and hypoglycemia case. somehow made it through. i suck at dosages omggg. PP by car with mom (not rly that tired) but i SLEPT after i got home and had no mood to study helpppp

6 - did my first swab test today. i pushed the doctors hand when she’s doing oropharyngeal swab im sorryyyy 😂. slept. matcha. cicil kompre

7 - still havent finished ikk (deadline: today), and still havent studied for geri and ikk AND i still managed to take a nap. why. Read a bit of kompre. Not sleepy after matcha, but insted i reread bj alex and tsubaki chou lonely planet until 2 am the next day #rippriorities

8 - im having matcha latte seven days in a row as of today :))))) woke up at 10:30 am, went to flavola with atikah and got strawberry yakult (tasted like es mony), arrived home at abt 7-ish am and there no dinner, so i drank protein and ate japota honey butter. My breakfast was chicken porridge, so my diet is sooo liquid today. Rip proper nutrition (ate buryam, lumpia, japota for the whole day and drank 3 beverage). Cicil kompre and studied geri

9 - suma geri, slept, cicil kompre, ny head kind of hurts

10 - my head still hurts, suma ikk with dr herqu and dr retno, didnt take swab result by car because the TRAFFIC in soetta so my brother took it. Thankfully negative.

11 - lulus kompre alhamdulillah, the examiner were Prof Saptawati and dr. Dani from THT. Dr dani still remembered me :"") they were very kind. Went to tamel for first wahana: klinik makara UI. Picked up masker first at mahmudas place, and then went to depok. On the way i was interviewed by maba 2020 wtf im so old. Cleaned up my room with the fam, printed sumn in barel (its quite empty there)

12 - first day at klinik makara ui. i WALKED. such wow. fixed my shoes in kutek. had breakfast in barel and bahari for lunch-dinner. somehow i felt very drained. bought Dapur Alya (nutella and regal) and 2 salads from Salad Point since there was 11.11 promo. Put all of them in the fridge. Read Fools and its sooo good omg

13 - had salad and left over bahari rice for brekkie. went to clinic by grabbike :)))), had my first teleconsultation experience today, a chemical trauma case. suma ea with the help of shiko

14 - woke up at 5:20 ish and i jogged a bit at ui lmaoo. fisip - ft - fisip. By 6:30 im already back at my room. 1 hour can be spent a lot of different ways, it turns out. Washed my clothes. Ate monstercheese pizza. Slept a bit. Went to blok m with ara (she was late as always, surprised her with koi milk tea), ate futago ya (greasy cheesy milky goodness, enak tapi eneg afterwards), bought red bean bread at la mouette, bought discounted onigiri bento box at papaya. We went to m bloc space, looked around, ate gelato at kebunide (blueberry: yum, fresh, kiiinda feels artificial, salted caramel: delicious but makes me thirsty) and did photobox at connectoon. Walked to mrt asean but turns out!! for weekends mrt is closed at 8pm. Took grabbike to sudirman, seeing the pretty city and people just hanging out, playing skateboards on the wide sidewalks.

15 - planned to go jogging with salemba frens but i woke up late (06:45), so i just lazed around. Ate onigiri bento (super worth it for 25k for the proteins), fell asleep again 10ish to 14:30 lmaoo. The doms from yesterday was present even on the right side of my lower back 🙂 the red bean bread made me feel full, and the red bean was not too sweet, which i love. Reviewed some meshwork materials i missed. Fianti called and we talked abt her and hari

16 - had mujigae for sahur and fish bite for iftar. The fish was not as soft as fish streat, but the flour was definitely better and crunchy. But it doesnt have the seasoning micin like fish streat do. The pasta was quite a lot im in food coma afterwards. Fell asleep, and my stomach was so gassy that i woke up in the middle with a headache that does not play around. Fortunately it dissapeared in the morning

17 - breakfast is rice kimchi and abon lmaoo just pretend it makes sense. The scrubs i ordered finally arrived. I fell asleep AGAIN, WHYYYY. Lost my streak in DL, i guess i can stop using it for now.

18 - finished reading blood link, girlll i thought the human died at the end. Did not buy food today wow. Took a nap and cicil kompre.

19 - brekkie at barel. Helped measuring antropometry today at clinic, and also measured my own. The fucked up thing was that i THOUGHT my body fat is still at 28% compared to the past (dr rina's research). So i looked at the old paper AND. I USED TO HAVE. 35% FAT 🙂 even my memories are in denial and are fooling me. All this time i thought i was at 28 🙂 did swab at rsui. The one swabbing was from fkui 2012 and we had small talk. It hurted more than lmk :( now this does feel like drowning in water (cause before i said "nah its not like water in nose"). Took angkot back to tamel, bought piscok lumer pocin and its soooo gooood ugh

20 - i feel like if i have breakfast with leftover rice and abon and sozzis i get hungry faster lmaoo. Ordered ken karaage from kukusan, yaa okela for 25k with ongkir. Did online posbindu education through wa. BTS BE COMEBACK 🥺 i maximized my wifi time (no wifi at tamel) so i listened to the whole album. My mobile data is at 200MB lol. Read a good longreads from the atlantic, about down synd and genetic screening. The writing is so so good im just blown away. And teary eyed.

21 - ran a bit, solid class (gastro, rheum, infection), embryo, webinar about sleep by dr Gita Anindyajati, SpKJ, bought ayam geprek gold chick (lotsss of oil since i ordered tempe, jamur, egg, bought pop cookies. matcha cheese was actually better than i expected (the combination somehow fits), dark chocolate and marshmallow is very chocolatey like mom’s brownies, and vegan strawberry cookie with a hint of mint. i wonder how they replace the egg. I wonder why after i run i dont feel hungry for a moment. bloating just gooes away

22 - joined kris' healthy weekly event (lmao) in tamsur. They went to epiwalk first. Its difficult for me to run w mask, ngl. Went back to tamel, embryo, ate leftover meal from gold and chick, felt somehow drained to the bone so i just laid in bed and lazed and lazed. Theres no soreness, but the weakness was generalized lmao. Ordered bbq chicken almond salad from salad point, it was actually quite fulfilling and delishhh (added chili sauce to the dressing). Literally laid in bed from 7 until i fell asleep and woke up at 6 the next day. Finished readin shame application lmao

23 - i still feel tired ckckck. No doms, but i feel like i just want to lay down. got DV patient today at clinic, its most likely derm numularis??? Ate salad and dark choco marshmallow cookies in the evening and that cookie. Is so damn sweet im just thinking about the increase in my blood sugar. And i like sweets so!!! Never thought id find sumn too sweet. Washed my clothes and cicil ukmppd (i put things about studying ukmppd in habitica now)

24 - ate tanoshi sushi and ufo ramen for bfast, ate the sushi again for lunch and after waking up from my sleep i tried kokku ramen (so so, but the egg yolk's good)

25 - bfast: superbubur, protein shake and cookies. (did not make me feel full long enough). Ordered burger from EATG (so so, burger bener is better) for lunch. Last day at makara ui. Ara arrived coz shes staying here in tamel. Waiting for mom to arrive from cibubur, she arrived at about 20:30. I passed out at home

26 - first day in pkm kalideres, i volunteered to be pj to avoid RSUD. my room is a mess, i feel tired after i go back. maybe its the physical withdrawal (?) because i dont walk like when im on klinik makara. came to pkm thinking i wont do anything (orientation only) but the 6 of us ended up going. i was at igd. i saw nail extraction and injected ats for another patient

27 - talked for almost an hour with the doctor at poli lansia. went home, felt sooo tired, i slept and actually showered after maghrib. originally planned to go to sbux but i was just tired af. my mood was horrible at home.

28 - turns out i started my period today. i havent studied at all during pkm kalideres era. embryo. slept again. read some manga by nishin something with the psychological and BL genre.

29 - embryo. cut my hair, showered, and felt better. fell asleep on dr gita's lecture. Drank cimory banana milk with a bit of matcha powder. I dont know if its the sleep, or a bit of caffeine, but my mood feels better and im more awake. Cicil ukmppd with a slow pace. Read itasaku ff. Slept at about 2 am

30 - surprisingly, i dont feel sleepy when i wake up. poli anak today, surprisingly i got perinatology case (jaundice). presented it on pleno. for bfast i ate 3 slice of bread (2 with meat and cheese, 1 choco and cheese) and protein shake, lunch: a slice of choco cheese bread and a banana, fell asleep, dinner: 1 bakwan, a banana and nextar. i can feel that the calories i got today is even less than what i usually got (and usually i already try to limit calories that i am counting the intake amout and made sure im not too far from my bmr lmaoo (~1100)

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