#i have been hard at work today with e2ing

[spiderh0rse]

Stark's Mind notes! Pt1, e1-5.

e1

Before I get into the video itself, the description does carry some interesting tidbits! Going forward, they'll always be listed as such:

Desc. Vincent Stark is 24, used to work at Black Mesa, and considers that place his personal hell. Right now, he reluctantly serves as Dr. Freeman's body double.

We start with an intro beyond the "face, series name" format! Going down the tram tunnel.

He is not happy to be doing this today.

When he left Black Mesa, it had the same tram monologue as it does now.

He is late.

He jokes about hiding in the bathroom stalls for a while, then implies he genuinely did used to do that.

Knows about Freeman being on parole! How!

Tries to rationalize being late.

Concerned about the safety standards of people welding stuff

Tourists apparently enter the facility from time to time

He's getting into character as Freeman by acting like he's still part of the company

hums Military Precision

"ba donk"

Does like how the area around Black Mesa looks

a tad unnerved by the tram shaking

talks to people when they're far out of audible distance. He doesnt know why he does this.

hums Hard Fought

SO bored by the train. Narrates the dramatic lights turning on

Thinks the decathlon sounds fun. Might stick around and do that in Gordon's place. Used to get first in it :>

considers himself an "athletic superstar" even if in a joke

Some of the departments the tram passes aren't ones he's really that involved in

Doesn't want any of his relatives to work at Black Mesa

"All of the gates today have played the waiting game with me. And so far? I'm winning." Silly.

Familiar with Star Wars, but mixes up the Republic and Empire eras.

GREEN GOOP PUDDLE. OSHA INCOMING

horrified at some guy being in danger. Can't do anything about it, really, so he gives up

his freeman impression SUCKS

Knows Barney, forgot he works at Black Mesa.

nervous laughter

"Horn"? Someone! Who works at Black Mesa

doesn't know Gina Cross. :(

e2

"Subtitles by Prinnamon" PRIN IT'S YOU

Freeman impression has improved slightly

attempts to assist with the computer crash

He's coming off as awkward and not neurotic. This is blatantly not a Freeman trait

Makes a very similar joke to Gordon's about the techno hell room

Stark Also does not know his way about

The architecture is new!

Gman's stare scares him

BAD PUN ALERT

He's... Hungry. He didn't eat breakfast.... Plans to steal a casserole.

doesnt know Freeman's locker combo. Implies he used to know

no mirrors in the bathroom,,,

applies an idiom about money to toilet paper

thinks the mk.v looks better than the mk.iv. calls it the 4.5. Ugh.

wants to turn off the HEV suit voice.

does Not know what "you're in the barrel" means

Sector C is not open to visitors.

It's 2009!

He did something when he left Black Mesa that could severely put him in trouble if people find out he's here

Deeply concerned with ethics and safety in the workplace. Blames Breen for it. That's part of why he left.

Warning signs are written in blood

Knows Otis Laurey. Considers security guards far more foolish than the scientists.

knows Dr Vance

bothered by safety issues

assures Eli the issues here aren't his probably

Breen wanted to recreate the big bang

tells someone to report a safety concern

drinks coffee

glib about his lack of a helmet

fun to watch a sample be bombarded with antimatter

thinks the AMS is pretty and likes the white noise

goes from pretty happy to be working to scared for his life

Scared and Whimpering at the vortigaunts

e3

wakes up having a hard time breathing

overwhelmed, can't think clearly

IMMEDIATELY puts all the blame for the ResCas and resulting deaths on himself

sees a bloody handprint and promptly breaks down about it

he's still on the security database in Black Mesa. Has level three clearance.

constantly torn between guilt and panic

does try and run down a list of things to do in this situation

he guesses a large amount of the facility has been impacted by the ResCas

"by Schrodinger's cat! He's alive" met with an "unfortunately." HEY.

immediately clocks a headcrab as an alien

goes from somber talking to Eli to yelling panicked swearing at some lasers

states that this is Literally Hell and the headcrab zombies on fire are Literal Demons

gets MEAN when he's scared and has a target he won't feel guilty for attacking

continues to have bouts of nervous laughter

familiar with Alien

witnesses some deaths directly, the elevator crash, promptly starts blaming himself again

repeating "I did this." on loop. There are better things that don't make you feel worse to say on repeat, pal (as prinnamon once put it: vince you have got to think of a better vocal stim than "i did this" and i do hope the quote is not minded. it sticks with me always)

e4

okay yeah he's just in the middle of a panic attack and has been for multiple minutes

implies the only reason he's not curling up and waiting for death is because he still has a task at hand to perform

doesn't want to get blood on his suit

makes a little tune about wanting to have a gun

stark you will cook slowly in that metal suit of yours

admits he suffered a breakdown, claims he's not crazy yet

you are not in fact staying calm, sir. You're in shock.

not impressed by Gordon's locker

deeply snarky surrounding near-death circumstances and his panic in them being derided

doesn't really like trophy hunters

can't save someone's life and promptly blames himself for causing his death

resolves to be strong and stand his ground. Runs from a zombie immediately

immediately attached to his crowbar

fine with killing the zombies

longs for a gun

"is it not?" <3

e5

"leaks"? I think, given a later line i poorly remember, he's talking about whistleblowing

"why are you Broken are you Jokin" kdfjkjf

LAUGHS he is DELIGHTED to solve a small problem

atheist

thinks he is going to solve all issues caused today. sounds SO happy about that

keeps snapping at the zombies and headcrabs

checked a clearly dead body for a pulse. doesn't know why he did this

internal monologue fullnames himself

still looking for weapons in random crates

comes up with a nice little ditty about breaking crates

"laced with blood" is one way to describe this room

doesn't have enough upper body strength to perform a pull-up

knows gordon goes to the gym. stark, however, does not

rambling very quickly when he realizes hes in a bad situation

"i'm not in the right state of mind" for. killing zombies? when is ANYONE in the right state of mind for that

tells a double-dead zombie to stay down decompose and not reproduce

does Not want to go into the vents. vent sharks

gets choked by a barnacle. calls them something out of a bdsm fantasy

he thinks he will LOSE to vent sharks

names a barnacle david. gets goofy with it

calls a houndeye a dog :> ouppy. ham dogs!

watches The Price Is Right

still not entirely sure whether all this is real

almost tells someone he Isn't Freeman, decides he doesn't care

he says he's never used a gun before. confident he can use one anyways. fool. <3

wants to take a minute to do nothing and rest. also wants to radio the surface immediately to get help as soon as possible

tells some guy he's responsible for everything happening right now

#stark's mind #vincent stark #mindverse #rmanotes

[olde-scratch]

the end sequences of junji ito maniac transcribed (i can edit to put pictures later if anyone screenshots them)

personally i think theyre mostly telling whats in the next episode, but it’s also a very interesting story outside of that. not sure if it’s from a previous work or made up for the anime but i like it

e1: "I finally felt something was strange. A dark hole. A sweet scent filling the room. I must write down what's going on in front of my eyes, or at some point, people will say that I am the strange one. But I have no paper... I don't have a pen, either. I scraped the tip of my finger against the splintered wall. Oh, wait... there's some red ink here now."

e2: “It’s amazing. The red ink turns black when it dries. Good, good! That’s good for me. Hm... where does this poignant smell of iron come from? Ah, well... And, what’s that thing with my face that’s flying around? I must write down every little thing I see and hear with the ink. Oh, but there’s... no paper.”

e3: “See? Here it is! Right here! It’s not high-quality paper, but still, it’s better than nothing. I slide the soft pen over its bumpy surface, preparing to scribe. What I saw last night was a sad man who could not fall asleep. And there, a cicada out of season is crying out in an insane frenzy.”

e4: “Long black hair protruding from the wall. It was swaying from the letters I wrote on the wall, and I was wondering what it was, but it was hair. What exactly is it trying to do? Is it growing in an effort to touch me? I just tore off that curious clump of hair. When I did, that mound of mane became very docile.”

e5: “No... It was white. Was it white to begin with? The paper is filling up with black insects. Where did these things come from? If you look close enough, those insects are in the shape of letters. It’s almost as if they’re trying to tell me something. I need to know more about these strange insects. If I open the putrid library, will I find the answer somewhere in there?”

e6: “Gather round and listen closely to the tombstone thrusted there! To the many tombstones. See, now, I can also hear the voices of a conversation, you see. The fact that I can hear it means that you can clearly hear it as well. But for those among you that can’t hear it, I must find a way to share. I’ll teach it to the insects...”

e7: “Ha, that is what the insects are teaching you today! They’re piling up. What’s piling up is the bottom of the ocean! The insects multiplied and filled up the paper. They keep screaming. It’s getting hard to hear them. There are three large pieces of paper. The other side has many poles sticking up from the ground. If the insects left from here, it would be very bad.”

e8: “Hey, Mr. Insect. Do you want to hear the story about the woman who came here yesterday? I was surprised to hear that there are people like that out in this world. Oh, yes, you feel the same way, don’t you? You know, that woman also had an insect on her face! My life was spared only because the insect on her face allowed me to take notice of it.”

e9: “Oh, it appears the insects are starting to argue with one another. My, oh, my! This might not be an argument. Is it... bullying? Everyone’s watching this. It’s better if you stopped. I’m watching as well with my very own eyes. Oh, the ink... It’s no longer coming out. I need more red ink.”

e10: “Oh, it seems that there’s quite a bit more ink. But I’m running out of paper! Oh, there’s paper in the other room, isn’t there? Is it possible to get there? Yes, but to do so I must traverse this twisted back alley. The spot where the ink stopped flowing is white, hard, and pointed now. If I dig with that, maybe I can bore a hole...”

e11: “I decided to head to the room next door through a new, gaping hole. The insects were whispering and that made me realize. Ahahah... what a fool I’ve been! I’ve only been following the orders of the insects until now. I won’t listen to what they have to say anymore. I rammed my bony body through the open hole and jumped out of the room!”

e12: “And so the warden read the bloodstained letters on the wall. The squiggly letters representing insects filled the entire space. It was quite difficult to decipher, most likely because the letters were written by the man who drilled through the wall with the bones of his fingers in an attempt to escape. The first sentence reads as follows: I finally felt something was strange...”

#junji ito #junji ito maniac #junji ito maniac: japanese tales of the macabre #not sure if theres any differences between eng and jap versions cause the subtitles of the jap one matched the first 4 eps #anyways hope this is helpful to someone i figured id transcribe it anyways in case someone needed it for some obscure reason #ill probably use it as inspiration or fodder if i want a junji ito reference somewhere #idk maybe someone will make a theory that the narrators souichi or something like that and needs the transcripts idk lol #i dont know if this counts as spoilers but #junji ito maniac spoiles

[exoticalmonde]

So in today's day of eventful events that were not supposed to happen but they did:

I got Carnelian. It's actually a double slap to Dr. Kryo who got my Gnosis, because not only did his wife Surtur visit (for which I have her at pot 5 now and subsequently - folded and leveled her up to 45 with an M2S3) but his other operator of preference came home after he was wondering if it's worth pulling when he barely has anything saved up for Yato-alter.

I'm slowly driving it back to 12K orundum for those sweet 40 pulls that should definitely totally get me the Noir Corn-alter.

How many posts is it that I mention him? Countless at this point.

Dr. Kryo just picked me up and set off guiding me along the chapters. I finished at 9-14 last time with S9-2 being my best work yet because I need to start unlocking the Salt.

While miles away from the actual goal of 11-2 where I get the T3 Salt, it's still advancing at a speed I doubt I've moved with alone before.

Can't even believe most of these were a two-OP runs. Mostly using Kal'tsit and people like Thorns, Blaze, Mountain. Of course I had the support of Chongyue. And morally supported by the presence of Ling since I need her 100 trust because that ark forsaken Module.

The AFK Lee and Mountain level was really funny, definitely recommend if your Lee is E2 lvl60 to bring a Myrtle or Bagpipe to block the other side until he charges up good. I leaked twice, learned that lesson the hard way.

Chapter 10 baby, it's time for the Sanguine Arc. Where we fight not the Sanguinearch but definitely something hideous and simmilar. I saw the worms yesterday when Pinkie showed me around the enemies for Chapter 11. Imagine... Leeches. In a trenchcoat. I hate them so much, looking at the enemies is putrid and they're all just slowly moving 20 pixels.

Yet here's the GORGEOUS video for the start of Chapter 10, which is supported by stunning vocals and a goosebump-indusing energy when you see it play on your own screen.

Gosh, I don't even know what this is but it sure looks like another set of achievements I will need to be getting. Nothing to be tryharding about, surely, as we leave the border between 'Tier 2 hardness level + Challenge Mode' and we sink right into 'Tier 3 hardness - which IS the CM' .

Amiya, it's been a pleasure working with you. Disappointment happened only during the Mandragora fight because I forgot turning Mon3ter skill... So we leaked...

And also one gargoyle got through...

I should go back and do that before future me hates for losing the will to fight Mandra again + just forgetting the run.

Which, spoilers, if you know what you're doing, is actually quite pathetic to fight. Just throw a rock at her and she sits down and pouts for long enough to Surtur/Texas-alter her.

But moving onto chapter 10!

Oh, I remember the good old days of being chapter 7 and suddenly CC10 operation Nuke (Ashring) landed with its fully charged Orbital Space Cannon to give me the sad news that, no, I will not in fact get all the medals.

Dr. Pinkie joins the conversation just on time to reminesce over how they used to guide me during Ashring. Very fun times.

---

Pinkie: "It's good that you're well aware how the Orbital Space Cannon works now, because for the next 16 operations you'll be doing just that."

Me: "..... WHAT?"

---

Pinkie: "It's alright, the Nuke does only 3000 damage, so as long as your defender has more than that, they should survive."

Me: *Checks Hoshiguma's health*

Hoshiguma: 3158 HP

Pinkie: "Oh, oh no."

---

Me, Kryo and Pinkie: "HERE IT COMES."

---

Me: *Pauses to think what to do after the Nuke blows because I can see that Hoshiguma will be blocking and Archetto will be in her range.*

Pinkie: "Oh, it would have been so nice if you had an operator whose skill 2 makes them invulnerable."

Me: *Knows it's not Ethan so I click on Archetto to read what her skill does*

Pinkie: "Oh, you know. Someone who can, potentially, block." *Nervous because the enemies are coming* "Especially since you have one place to guard."

Me: "Do I put her IN the range?"

Pinkie: "YES."

Me: *Drops Specter there*

Pinkie: *Sighs*

---

Hoshiguma: *Dies after the second Nuke*

Pinkie: "A wonderful opportunity to use reinforcements."

Me: *Positions Archetto and Ethan*

Pinkie: "I MEANT SPECTER SKILL."

Me: *Barely surviving the stage* "They're fine, they're all doing very well."

Pinkie: "I think you need to go to more morning sessions."

Me: "NOOoooo..."

---

Me: *Doing kissy noises at the scren*

Pinkie: "There Eve goes, licking the sweat off his armor. Like a dog."

Me: "Hoederer is just so... Mm..."

---

Me: "Can I catch you for a screenshot with your eyes open?"

Me: *Looks at him*

Me: "Well... Eye... Open..."

---

Me: "Pov, every time I see that my operator who is E2 level 50 is not doing enough damage on an E1 level 30 operation."

---

Operation 10-4: Warning Shot

Me: "Haha, warning shot."

Pinkie: "Imagine what they'd do if it was a threat."

Finally, here is a silly bird boy being deployed.

#arknights #friendship #doctor of ri shenanigans #chapter 9 arknights #chapter 10 arknights #guiding #handholding #Doctors braincells multiplying #working hard for that salt #lee arknights #kal'tsit arknights #mountain arknights #simping for HIM #elysium arknights #Youtube

[every-marveler-ever]

Steve Rogers Bingo 2022

Steve Rogers, gave me a hard time in this bingo I will admit, but some of the fills I wrote are some of my favourite I've ever written. I found myself looking outside my comfort zones, enjoying my writing more and more as I continued to write.

I think the most discoraging thing about looking at my fills is that I didn't fill the free space because this bingo has certainly write much more then I use to.

Thank you so much to @steverogersbingo for hosting! Can't wait for the next one.

Marveler - SB2083

A3) "I'm not looking for forgivness. And I'm past aksing for permission.": Laundry Day - Steve is looking for his jumper, his and his alone, Tony thinks the jumper he's wearing fits him just right. [GENERAL] [0.5K]

A5) Music Discovery: Blueberry Mornings - Some things are the same in the mansion, just like a nice Saturday morning, and Steve prefers it that way. [GENERAL] [0.4K]

B5) Royalty: Shine Brighter - The stars shine brighter from inside the castle walls, and Bucky is glad to be there with Steve. [GENERAL] [0.3K]

C2) Snowed In: Snowing Birthdays - It’s snowing outside but it’s still Steve’s birthday and Sam wants to still make it special. [GENERAL] [0.4K]

C5) "Something's strange in the air today. The sun is gone and the clouds turned gray. Just what's comin' is hard to say, I don't know/": The Clouds Have Always Been Gray - A glimpse into the life of prince Anthony Stark and how escaping was a much better idea. [GENERAL] [0.6K]

D5) Holidays: What I Think A Hallmark Stucky Movie Would Be - Bucky is a lawyer, Steve works for ends meat, Bucky moves his parents into a new home and never visits, and Steve is their next-door neighbour and makes himself helpful. Christmas is slightly awkward when you haven’t been home in years and you are fairly sure you’re parents are replacing you. [GENERAL] [0.6K]

E1) Steve "Back in my day" Rogers: Moving In - College move-in day is always a stressful one for not only students but families as well and it’s sweet. [GENERAL] [0.6K]

E2) Hurt/Comfort: College Days: Ch1) Bias - Sam is just a column writer who graduated with a degree in journalism and he writes the sports column at Stark Media, that’s it. Steve Rogers on the other hand is a masterpiece on the American Football field, but that’s not it. [GENERAL] [1K]

#SGRBingo2022 #Steve Rogers Bingo 2022 #Steve Rogers #cait's masterlist #every marveler ever #every-marveler-ever

[bekaito]

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀✧ Next Gen S2 E2: Preparation & Performance Interview

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

kaito was one who always had inner battles with himself, even more so when it came to his dreams. today and the days leading up to the performance itself had been like a major battle in his head with all of the worries that he had.

not a day went by since the results of the auditions came out where kaito questioned what exactly stood out about him to the judges that led them to the decision. he wanted to know why they decided to put him so high up there, though he figured it would be best to not question it ( at least not to their faces that is ). instead he would go with it, do his best, and make sure to not disappoint them nor let them regret their decision.

even now as he's there, ready for the interview, he can't help but wonder what will happen to him next but there's really not much time to think as the interview begins. this can only go one of two ways, either very well or terribly wrong, and kaito can only hope that it's the prior rather than the latter.

"what was the greatest challenge during this mission?"

the first question has him pausing to think already, running through the long hours of practice to even the performance itself, momentarily sorting his thoughts before finally speaking to answer. "i think that the greatest challenge was probably pushing myself too hard. i tend to overwork myself when it comes to various things, in this case practicing and not being completely satisfied with my personal results."

kaito pauses once again before continuing. "my friends tend to tell me that this is one of my flaws, that i overthink everything and push myself way beyond my limits, but i can't help it really... i'm not as bad as i once was, though i still put a lot of pressure on myself even when it comes to dancing." it's true. kaito was too much of a perfectionist to the point that he sometimes lost track of time and had a bad habit of working too hard in the end. he had done just that while practicing over the past few days.

"was there another participant who was especially helpful?"

he slightly smiles as he thinks of those that he had spent time practicing with, those who had helped him throughout the mission. "there's a few that were helpful and helped open my eyes to see that i was even more on edge than usual. so, i'd say that it would be a tie between inho, touma and ara for sure." his smile grows. "inho helped by giving advice when i was too preoccupied over telling my parents about the show, touma actually I've known for a while now... he's one that really helped when i was pushing myself too hard, again, and helped me realize that i needed a break before i ended up probably passing out, or worse." he chuckles softly at himself.

taking a short moment, he thinks back to both males before speaking again. "ara, well she was helpful with helping me relax with some jokes and breaks in between. i honestly felt bad towards all three of them for having to 'take care of me', so i told myself that i would be sure to pay them back in some way the first chance that i got."

"do you feel confident in your performance?"

kaito starts with a couple nods of his head. "i'm actually really confident. with the amount of practice that, not only myself but as well as the others, put in i'd like to say that individually i did the very best that i could. as a group? honestly, i think we all did amazing in the end." pursing his lips in thought, kaito hums softly. "since i'm not really used to being on a stage or anything of the sort i was a bit nervous before the performance, though once we began and i realized that there was nothing to really be nervous about. i think as individuals we need to have that confidence in these moments because it helps us do better while we're performing, and helps us to avoid making mistakes which could easily be made if you're thinking too much and not focusing on putting the hours of practice into play."

even though kaito was normally confident in himself and his skills when it came to dancing and rapping, this mission had made him briefly question just how well he was at either, or even both, but it also helped him realize that he did have some talent which he should continue to be confident in no matter what happened. after all, he was mostly self-taught and not having gained his experience of rapping or dancing by being a trainee like a lot out there had.

at the end of the day, kaito was just a normal young man pursuing his dreams. the only thing he could do now was work hard and show the judges that he really wanted this, that he was determined to prove his worth to them by the end of it all.

#be:ngs2p2

[immigrationlawyernaples]

#immigrationattorneyNaples #immigrationlawyerNaples #Naplesimmigrationattorney #Naplesimmigrationlawyer #Naplesinvestorvisaattorney

[thebutcherkane]

Today marks one year since we released our first album 'Existence to Entrails' and what a crazy year it has been for us. We've been playing it up and down the country and have had some brilliant nights with you all.

We're working hard on our next release but we want to celebrate this past year and get you excited for our next hometown gig on 26th August.

Anyone who buys their ticket to 'Summer Savagery' from now until the end of the month will be entered into a draw to win an E2E bundle that includes a CD, cassette and E2E album shirt. The winner will be randomly drawn, live, on 2nd August.

This is going to be a mad feast of death with 8 killer bands from across the UK so get your ticket using the link below and win yourself some heavy duty merch:

Ticket Link - https://blitzkriegpromotion.bigcartel.com/product/the-trve-northern-deathfest-i-summer-savagery-2023

See you there and thanks for all the support 🪓

#rendthemasunder #deathmetal #existencetoentrails

[littleravenonahill]

God Has Already Written Your Life | The LukeStrong Foundation

"Like many Christians, in hard times I have found myself considering Jeremiah 29:11, which says “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for you to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. It is reassuring in the midst of trouble to know that God has a plan for us, and that it is a good one. 

We need to stop holding on to our own idea of what the Lord’s plans for our welfare, future, and hope include. Instead, we need to let the whole of God’s Word define his planned goodness to us. Our Lord has been very clear in the New Testament about his intentions regarding those who have come to faith in his Son. And as we continue to place our trust in him, we begin to see that these plans are deeper and more satisfying than even our own ideas about “the good life.”

God is taking care of you, you just have to let go and surrender everything to him! Allow him full control and trust him! Remember God is so much better at orchestrating our lives than we are. Ask the Lord to help you learn how to better trust him. Today I’m sharing  a prayer to trust God with everything. I don’t want to try to hold on to anything that might slow the Lord’s work in my life and the lives of others. Pray with me?

Dear Heavenly Father,

What an incredible and awesome God you are!

When I look at the beauty of your creation,

I’m in awe of your mighty and majestic ways.

When I see the work of your hand,

I’m overwhelmed by your love for me.

Lord, I believe that you saved my soul;

Help me trust that you have made me whole.

Lord, I believe that you hear my prayers;

Help me trust that your answer is best.

Lord, I trust that you created the mountains;

Help me trust that you can move them.

Please forgive me for trying to be in control and allow me to let go and surrender my life to you. Increase my ability to give you everything. Your ways are much higher than mine.

Thank you, Jesus.

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https://lukestrong.org/god-has-already-written-your-life#:~:text=Like%20many%20Christians,the%20Valley%20%E2%86%92

[pesdyuk]

How To Keep Productivity And Motivation During The War?

It is my first post on Medium this year. And it has nothing to do with Vue.js. That doesn’t mean I suddenly quit programming. I have a full-time job, which regularly provides me with coding challenges. Recently I was writing the E2E tests for the first time, which was painful. Also, I am currently working on a small pet project, where I’m trying to implement new features more flexibly and less stressful. I have a project board on GitHub, but no sprint goals or strict deadlines. Besides, I am a participant in the WWCode Kyiv Mentoring Program, where I met a talented and motivated mentee. I’ve been consulting her on her way to becoming a web developer, and I hope the process is insightful for both of us. Today I want to talk about mental health and motivation during the war. It is hard to believe and accept, but more than a year has passed since the russian troops invaded Ukraine. Over this time, Ukrainians learned what russian people were capable of: while their propaganda machine was spreading lies, the opposition kept silent, and the whole world was watching how their ordinary young men were looting, raping, and mutilating innocent civilians. But it isn’t a movie — we cannot press a stop button or leave a cinema anytime we want.

I’ve been staying in Kyiv for half a year now. The winter here was severe: the residents faced and courageously endured frequent shelling, several total blackouts, and the risk of potential evacuation. As for me, for the last couple of months, I mostly stayed at home, suffering from fear and apathy. Every time I went shopping, I couldn’t get rid of the thought: what if the russian missiles target my building next time? That affected my productivity and daily routine. After doing some work, I spent the rest of the day in bed. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t read books or watch movies. I couldn’t even use social media to distract myself. My feeds on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and even Linkedin are full of messages about someone’s death on the battlefield. When I look at their pictures, those brave women and men, lots of them were younger than me, my heart clenches in pain.

The human body reacts differently to stress. I’ve read an article where Ukrainian IT specialists describe how the war affected their productivity. Most of them say that they experience difficulties focusing on tasks. Many people had to leave their homes and look for new places to live and work. That caused a loss of a favorable working environment and a general worsening of working conditions. Some people complain about problems with concentration and memory. They procrastinate, continuously read the news, and worry about the safety of their family. Some specialists lost their jobs. Admitting a problem At the same time, fewer people claim their productivity, on the contrary, increased. Work helped them to distract from the news; they felt enough energy and motivation to earn more money to support the Ukrainian Armed Forces. I wanted to be one of them, but how? The first and hardest step was to admit the problem. I spent day after day trying not to think about the future, eating sweets to reduce stress, until one day, I weight myself. The number I saw shocked me. All at once I realized I needed to change my way of life. Creating a plan I asked myself: what can I do besides working and sleeping? The first thing that came to my mind was to increase physical activity. I set myself a goal to spend more time outside walking and running. On the 1st of March, I went for my first run this season. 2 km for 14 minutes — that was the result. I used to run 10km+ daily a few years ago. Now I had to start from the beginning. So I tried to be patient. Two weeks later, I was able to run 4 km. On the days free of running, I go to the gym or walk. I plan to get 8000 steps per day no matter what. Sharing tiniest progress Daniel Lieberman, a paleoanthropologist best known for his research on the evolution of the human head and body, wrote a book about physical activity. He claims that sharing information about what you do can help to save motivation and not give up. So, I posted a thread on Twitter about my progress and got a lot of positive feedback. Also, I use apps to visualize my work and get some stats. I loved Avocation: you can plant a tree and watch how it grows after you do a planned activity. Awesome. Asking for help This week I am having a short vacation. I have a job where management cares about the wellness of employees, but not everyone is so lucky. Many people in my country cannot afford a break during the war. They have to make for living and support their families. That is why the advice to quit a job and go to Peru does not make sense. At the same time, physical exhaustion and permanent fear of your life cause anxiety, sleep disorder, and other mental health issues. It seems like a blind corner, and the only one who can help is a psychotherapist. War experiences for soldiers and civilians are different, but there is one thing we have in common — we all are traumatized. I did not mean to write a positive article. The honest answer to the question in the title is: there is no way to keep productivity and motivation while your nation suffers from violence you cannot imagine. I described a personal attempt to preserve the remains of mental health. I gained weight, and that was a signal for me to change my habits. I accept the possibility that my plan may not work. But I will enjoy the process, as long as I can, and that is what matters.

[perpetual-fool]

So, I'm trying to figure out how to write a song. I'm putting off thinking about what I want to say, what I'm feeling, as that's going to seriously hurt. But working on the minutiae, I feel pretty okay.

Like, I was humming up and down my range in the hopes of being able to project in two full octaves. And while I pushed myself too hard and can't use my head voice at the moment, it feels good? I think? I feel some kind of way about only being comfortable with E2 yesterday but D2 today ('today' being yesterday). I'm not sure what I was feeling while I was doing it, but I did lose myself in it, so it's probably good? And even if my vocal range can only match that of an ocarina, that's not meaningless. I am a beginner, and writing something that restricted would give me something I can actually practice until my voice fills out. Or, I do actually have an ocarina, it would be nice to have something to play besides those tiny things from OoT. Or, I want to write stuff that's very approachable, restricted would work for non-singers as well. (Though since those are my ideas I feel like they're wrong and I'm a liar, and I'm a piece of shit for feeling slightly good about it. Hypothetically I'm working on that.) Or, right now I'm working on figuring out the 'meaning' of intervals, which I'm still not clear on. I'm trying to separate the elements and map out consonance/brightness/whatever, and hopefully I'll be able to make some kind of sense of it then.

But with these simple things, it's like there's nothing to be wrong about it. I'm just discovering and assembling new ideas. Is that how things are supposed to be? Or, is that how things should be but people don't want them to be? Like, surely figuring out what I think and what I like should work the same way.

How is it, hypothetically, I could like how something sounds, but then someone tells me it's wrong so I think it's wrong? Violence. Does it count as violence if someone doesn't physically strike me? Though that also happened. It's moreso that my emotional needs were emotionally punished. Ya' know, "I'll give you something to cry about" or whatever. And I had to believe it to protect myself. I was punished and bullied for being anything, so I became nothing. And I'm still doing that to a great extent. Like, a couple doctors ago I answered something honestly about my mental health, then they were supportive harassed me about it every subsequent visit, so I had to find someone new. The one after that, I think, demanded I answer about mental health to be seen at all. So now I just have to lie and play along with everything. I suppose if I were a healthy person it would just be lying, no big deal. But I'm not a healthy person. Every time I do that I have to bury all my feelings. Which is for good reason. If people get a hint of anything they'll take that as an opening. 'You're slightly agitated about what just happened? now I'll yell at you about it for ten minutes.' The only way to not show anything is to not feel anything.

And I suppose the same kind of thing applies to people pushing their beliefs on me. I was far too young to even know how that started. How would that work? "You're making excuses!" for instance. The most straightforward example was when I was forced to go out and paint the house, despite having a fever. So being demonstrably ill is not a valid reason to be excused from being forced to do things that don't make sense for no given reason. What would that have been like? "I don't feel good", "You're lying, fuck you you little piece of shit" (paraphrasing). So, I ask for accommodation, I get punished for asking instead. How would it have 'helped' for me to believe that I actually was lying? Because then I wouldn't ask for accommodation? No, that doesn't feel right. I had a more recent version of that, and it was like if I could just be the thing they're saying I am, then I could fix it, and then maybe they could love me. So it was the need for connection. And not just the crushing loneliness, but also the guilt and self-loathing of believing it was all my fault.

And aside, this seems to be the system everyone runs on. People don't say "I think things are this way because of this thing I've observed", they say "this is how it is". Or, if I say the former, they say the latter in response to 'disagree'. I'm tempted to start speculating on how that might explain what I did. I guess I was looking for not-that. Inappropriate 'acceptance' is just as threatening as an imposition that I'm lying or lazy or whatever. 'something something your parent's faith'. I knew it was all wrong but I didn't know what 'right' would be. So I just had to try everything, ultimately. It hurts more knowing that they were really trying. Like, I can just think my father is an asshole and get on with my (lack of a) life. But everyone else? No, not everyone else. I mean, that sucks too, but I can more or less move on. It's just her. Why? There can only be two reasons. She was the first person who actually nice to me, and I really trusted her. And I loved her. I can feel that it's the latter. But I greatly trusted others too, just not as much. I suppose further that would break down into the idea of love or the idea of her. Though again, I've loved other people too, just not as much. And I can feel that it's about her, really. God, it's like every little thing about her was enthralling. Even later, taking issue with the religious stuff, I'm sure she meant it. Even though I think any good that Christians do is just to sweeten the poison, I know there's a good person in there. I still believe in her.

But there's just nothing to connect to, 'cause I'm a fucking freak. Like, she told me once about trying out DADGAD tuning, only saying that it sounded neat. And I don't think I had the presence of mind to dig into that, but I don't think there would have been anything more to it. In contrast, I was investigating a possible tuning for seven-string guitar. Firstly, reason being that the less than perfect intonation of parallel frets bothers me enough that I can't stand playing regular guitar. But a multi-scale guitar with fanned frets, though not ideal, is close enough for my ear. And the easiest way to get a multi-scale is to buy a seven-string. But there's no standard tuning for seven. Standard six-string tuning is for chords. The top four strings in particular seem obviously arranged to more easily fret chords, using the same pattern as ukulele. And the bottom two strings, far as I can tell, are extra. I presume they're tuned the way they are to allow playing chords across all six strings, though that could be incidental. But that no longer just works when you add another string. There's a few different things people do with it, but the whole point of guitar is to play chords. So what makes the most sense to me is to repeat the pattern of the top strings on the lower strings, conveniently overlapping on the middle string: CFADGBE. And I call that 'witch tuning', as in 'as above so below'. Though now that I think of it, I'm not entirely sure that's actually a Wiccan thing. B'yeah, that's the kind of discussion I've never been able to have with anyone. Even to just explain, people take what I say to mean something else. And there's nothing I can do to convince them that they really don't understand.

I'm inclined to say that I'm sorry for what I am. But that's kind of the whole problem, isn't it?

I miss her. Love just isn't enough, ya' know?

- (https://youtu.be/98CQvMHDTOA) (https://youtu.be/FV7gw26T5V8)

[giffingthingsss]

More Terra Prime rambles.

The Xindi did just try to commit...speciescide. We saw a future where that happened, where not only Earth was destroyed, but the last humans were hunted down across the system and eliminated. Yet the Xindi were not necessarily cast as villains, but rather as people that were trying to save their own species. Earth is just like, ‘eh. No hard feelings. Glad you’re not currently trying to kill us. Let’s get together, yeah yeah yeah...’

Which is the right attitude, I think. For the record. You can’t bring back the dead, you can only prevent future destruction. 

That is a discussion you could have. What to do about the Xindi. Do we ask for compensation? Do we decide to forge ahead instead, etc...

There would be trepidation about going back out there, or rather, a more realistic approach. Maybe don’t tell every new species you meet that has much bigger guns than you exactly where your planet is. Crazy stuff like that. Archer himself deals with some of this when he gets back from the Xindi mission, advising Erika to take MACO with her and get those beefy phase canons. “You’ll spend a lot of your time boldly going into battle.”

The discussion could include that. About whether we let our fear of being destroyed (again, not an unrealistic fear, it very nearly happened) stop us from trying again. Is it worth it, what can we do to minimize risk, etc... Not just dismissing these things, but working through them. 

Fear is not to be simply dismissed, it exists for a reason. It’s part of what keeps you alive. One should determine first whether it is rational or irrational and what to do from there.

The fear of being destroyed through interspecies reproduction, that it will cease to be a unique species. Address it. T’Pol’s little speech about how species are not today what they were a million years ago and won’t be in a million years what they are today is kinda good. We do have that one episode with the super advanced dude that we get no details on, but who has a mix of alien dna. The future of humanity? Or just of this guy? Maybe there is cause to worry about the loss of a distinct type. Or maybe this is just the way evolution be and we should just let nature do its thing. 

Self preservation, species preservation, is a natural instinct. Other species probably also rarely mix. Vulcans certainly don’t make a habit of it. 

The argument could be made that the fear that humans will be wiped out this way is irrational. A certain percentage will mix, but certainly not enough to be an actual threat to species survival. Of all the worlds we’ve reached so far or that the Vulcans know about, have any of them been eliminated this way? If not, why would we think it would happen to us? 

Also, how many species are truly able to reproduce? The only reason these worlds are able to mix in the first place is for story arcs, lez be real. They at least try to nod to the idea that Phlox would have to come up with some way of making genetics compatible. Humans can’t breed with other life on this planet, why do we assume they could breed with Martians? Genetics doesn’t work that way.

The pool of potential mixes is probably very small. Vulcans are one, apparently. Vulcans are very unlikely to participate in such activities. One or two a century, perhaps. 

In other words, we’re not going to extinct; we’ll be fine. Chill. 

This is a discussion that could be happening around a conference table, is my point. Natural concerns that would arise, how to address them. But I suppose that’s not as exciting as reducing everything to hero and villain. 

You could also throw Lorian and the crew of E2 in there as an argument. Elizabeth is not the first baby. They had a whole ass son who grew up to command the Enterprise along with a bunch of other mixed people. This son and his crew sacrificed themselves to save Earth. Far from being a detriment to Earth’s survival, they were crucial to it. It’s weird that they seem to have just forgotten that whole thing. I know there’s a line about ‘well maybe it didn’t actually happen’ but then they did still remember it. Are we to assume the memory faded eventually? Idk. 

So there ya go. Terra Prime. Interesting topics that I wish had a more rational discussion surrounding them. In part because it would have made for a less depressing last episode arc before the end.

But we did get T’Pol and Trip running around together looking for their kid and T’Pol becoming Mama Bear. I mean, yes. Yes, I will take that, thank you. 

#enterprise things

[importantcollectionbasementus]

Croissant i would die for you.

#BAWS! #i have been hard at work today with e2ing #i did SIX units #i have also spent 24 oprime but we wont talk about that. #im bored ok #arknights

[cerastes]

E2 artworks are for the most part delightful, but today, I would like us to pay particular attention to certain characters’ Elite 2 artwork: Nightingale, Cuora, and Specter.

The three of them have two things in common: The first is that they are all amnesiac (or, in the case of Nightingale, partially amnesiac, but amnesiac nonetheless), the second is that they are all drawn by Skade. I think the Hypergryph writers just have an Amnesiac Hotline for whenever they conceive another amnesiac character and it connects directly to Skade’s temporal lobe, where all information about the new character is immediately uploaded to and then he just starts furiously drawing.

But let’s focus on the fact that they are amnesiac in this post, and how this is reflected in their E2 art in a way I found clever. Let’s begin with our favorite fashionable demon, Nightingale.

Nightingale’s name is a two-fold allusion: The most evident one is being an homage to Florence Nightingale, the mother of modern nursing. The other, perhaps least apparent but of equal importance, is to the Greek aesop “The Laborer & The Nightingale”, which tells the tale of a poor laborer who, enthralled with the beautiful song of a nightingale that sang every day atop a tall cedar tree, grew selfish and built a cage of iron and twigs to capture the nightingale to make its songs his and only his. Her lines make several allusions to cages and empty rooms,

and of only being let out of her ‘cage’ when someone needed her healing powers, her “song”, if you will (especially relevant when you consider how song and Arts seem to be related in Terra). Her E2 art, thus, represents her bursting out of her cage or iron and twigs. Unlike other Sarkaz Operators, her E2 is not a shape or a representation of a Demon, it is, instead, a representation of her inner Demon, the cage of her head, which contains all of her memories and emotions locked tight within in. She’s not there yet, but she’s making progress. It is worthy of note that Shining also doesn’t depict a Demon in her E2 art, her artwork instead centering on her shield, but while Shining’s E2 art is an allusion of her deep, deep shame of being a Sarkaz and the things she’s done as a Sarkaz (or, in other words, denouncing her own identity to focus on what she truly wants to do from here on, which is to protect others), Nightingale’s E2 artwork instead depicts her destroying part of the cage that holds her back: She’s not fully out yet, but now, it is only a matter of time.

Then, what about Cuora?

Some Operators show a manifestation of their identifying animal that might not be entirely physical but it’s clear, with hard colors and textures. Other Operators show their animal very clearly, as if it was truly there, like Perfumer and Siege, and in some cases, it REALLY is there, as with Eyjafjalla (who directly addresses them in a voice line), and this seems to be matter of artistic preference, but whereas Skade normally draws E2 manifestations with solid colors, in the case of Cuora and Specter, he chooses to make them almost phantasmal, with soft colors and an ephemeral feel to them instead. In fact, the turtle you can see above is as generic as can be, it doesn’t seem to be identifying of any particular turtle species, and all we know about it is that it is “a turtle”. This is deliberate, meant to represent Cuora’s amnesia: Her race, Petram, is not unknown, but she doesn’t remember what specific kind of Petram she is. There’s a lot of turtle species, so which one is she? We have no idea. We know Blue Poison is a Poison Dart Frog, we know Nearl is a Pegasus, so when it comes to species either real or fantastic, we usually have an accurate account of which each Operator is supposed to represent, but not with Cuora, because she’s amnesiac. Whatever specific kind of Petram she is, we’ll never know unless someone that can properly identify her or that knew her from before the amnesia can divulge that information. To represent this, thus, her animal manifestation is ephemeral, phantasmal, ambiguous: It shows us exactly as much as we know of it, that is, that she’s a turtle, nothing less, nothing more.

So where does this leave Specter?

Nightingale has partial amnesia, Cuora is amnesiac but her Oripathy was caught in time and she’s been stabilized, but Specter’s nervous system has been ravaged, and not only is she amnesiac, she’s also prone to bouts of insanity and of sometimes saying some rather concerning things, such as wanting to take Doctor to the “place where secrets are imparted” or how “some people were never ever meant to be one, so it is her duty to cut them into many”.

Nightingale’s art, if you look above, is ‘solid’, bereft of particles or separated parts: It’s an iron cage, the twigs, and herself. Cuora’s art is somewhat more ‘loose’, with some weaving loose lines on the lower part of the drawing to presumably represent low tide, where you would normally find small turtles, as well as to represent her somewhat deteriorated but overall well-preserved psyche. Specter’s art, in contrast, is very loose: There’s an emphasis on aquatic trails all over the composition, representing the deep sea, as well as her flowing cloak, hair, and habit flaps. There’s many loose ‘particles’, like smudges of splattered ink, representative of her shattered psyche, and, most importantly, there’s not one but two sharks of different species as her animal representation. I believe they are representative of how she’s currently ‘two’ people: The somewhat manic but otherwise harmless Specter that can be found roaming the halls of Rhodes Islands’ dorms, and the completely silent fighting machine named Specter that can be found roaming the battlefield like a vengeful ghoul, following orders to the letter, her own safety be damned.

But there’s another meaning, I believe: Cuora at least has one turtle in her art, which can at least let us approximate which species it could possibly be (likely a freshwater turtle judging from comparative size and shell shape, bigger than tortoises, smaller than sea turtles), but Specter has two sharks, which means properly approximating her exact species becomes a lot harder. Skadi and Deepcolor, fellow AEgirians, make it very clear which animals they are supposed to be (Orca and Dumbo Squid, respectively), which further proves that this is a Specter-specific conundrum and not a Deep Sea trait. Likewise, her outfit has several allusions to the overall shape of a shark, but not to any specific shark.

If we want to dig deeper, and boy howdy I bet we do, we can take a look at the Chinese Hanzi that composes her name:

“幽灵鲨”, or “Yōulíng shā”, which translates literally to “Ghost Shark” from Chinese to English. Fitting that her codename is given as Specter. So, what’s a “Ghost Shark”, exactly? Aside, from, you know,

a really bad B-Movie.

Sounds like it’s just a cool poetic name for someone who is but a specter: a fleeting existence, with no memories, only a shadow of her former self, no?

Well, that works out, to be frank, but it turns out, Ghost Sharks are a real species. This is the Bahamas Ghost Shark:

And this is the Australian Ghost Shark:

They belong to a species of fish known as Chimaeras, and they live in temperate ocean floors down to 2,600 m (8,500 ft) deep and are some of the oldest fish alive, they share plenty of characteristics with their prehistoric ancestors (or, to translate this to Arknights terms: keep in mind how Specter looks just like a regular human). These are deep sea fish, with only a couple of them coming close to the surface rarely, and it fits with what we know of Specter, what with her background of fighting giant Deep Sea monsters as an Abyssal Hunter. Of course, whether she is supposed to be a Chimaera of any sort remains to be seen, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she was, given the thematic similarities.

I found all of these little nudges and nods to be plenty fascinating. Am I perhaps reading too deep into this? Always within the realm of possibility! Are Skade and Hypergryph planting seeds of lore that will bloom much later, making every piece of evidence given until that point suddenly make cohesive sense? Wouldn’t put it past them! So analyze, analyze, and analyze, because even if it takes you nowhere, lord knows it’s fun to do so.

#arknights #long post #specter #cuora #nightingale

[megstudies]

I might be depressed: an essay

I wake up, and the first thing I think is “I can go to bed at 11 o’clock.” It’s 8 now, so that’s twelve hours plus three, 15 hours. I can go to bed in 15 hours. Every day feels the same. The whole world paused last March, and we haven’t picked up again. It feels like everything is happening on 0.5 speed. Ironically, I only watch recorded lectures sped up now. I wonder if I do that because I don’t want to waste time, or because I’m itching for anything that feels like it’s fast. Anything that pushes me to keep up, keep moving. I can go to bed in 15 hours.

Once I’ve established that, I get up. I shower. I toast a bagel. I know a bagel isn’t the best way to start my day, and I feel guilty for it, like I’m failing my body already. But it’s something, it’s energy. I wrestle with my mind, justifying my choice to myself. I eat half the bagel and five raspberries from the container in the fridge. I feel like I need a nap. 14.5 hours. 

I sit down in front of my computer. 9am zoom class with my favourite prof. It’s a small class, only about 10 people, all from the same major. All cameras are off. It doesn’t feel worth it. I have a small burst of energy, anger. It is so hard to feel like this education-- this experience-- is worth the tens of thousands of dollars a year I am paying. I remind myself that I’m not paying for the experience, I’m paying for the privilege and necessity that is a post-secondary degree. The energy I had is replaced by a yawning expanse of apathy. What can I even do about it? If I drop out I’ve wasted endless amounts of time and money to work a minimum wage job for the rest of my life. If I take a year off, I have to start paying back my loans. There’s not a lot of options. Class is over, 12.75 hours left. I open Word and start a paper.

At 2:00pm (9 hours), I have the overwhelming desire to be in bed. I’ve been fighting it all day, but it just doesn’t seem worth it any more, why not be in bed? It’s a nice day out, beautiful even, despite the wind. This fact doesn’t make me want to go outside. Really all it does is make me feel guilty for not enjoying the weather. I sit with my back to the window. 

3:00pm, another lecture. This class has nearly 75 people enrolled. 50 attend the zoom call. 7, including the professor, have their cameras on. I am not one of them. I have facebook open on my laptop, the zoom call minimized. I scroll while I listen to the lecture. The third article is about COVID-19. I close the window. 

741741. “BRAVE”. I text a crisis line. And I feel ridiculous, because it’s not like it’s that bad, right? There are people that have it much worse than I do. And yet, I don’t know where to turn. This pause has gotten inside my bones. Made my own self and my own time feel heavy. It’s so hard to take a deep breath and settle into the moment when it feels like this moment is never going to end.

I heard Matt Haig talking once (I listen to any interview of his I can get my hands on, he makes me feel known, which is oddly comforting for someone who doesn’t like to share), and he said that he was feeling suicidal, not in the way that he wanted to end his life, but in the way that he didn’t really see the point. When the person on the other end of the crisis line asks me if I am safe, I can say “yes” without hesitating. But when they ask if I have had thoughts of suicide that quote pops into my head. No, I don’t want to be dead. But it’s hard to really want to be alive right now. 

I’m sobbing now. Sitting on my bed, tissues beside me, my nose raw. They ask about my support system. I have wonderful friends, I have a mom who loves me no matter what. But I don’t want to go to them with this right now. There is so much guilt in my heart about putting these things, these feelings, these worries on my friends’ plates too. I am so grateful for them, but I want to feel independent sometimes, even when it’s talking to someone outside my circle. I made this choice, I’m doing it for me.

They ask me what I like to do. I remember that I haven’t eaten since the bagel this morning, and I know I have vegetables in the fridge. I tell them I like to cook, and that I like to read. I’ve been reading Jane Fonda’s memoir lately, My Life So Far. I finished Grace & Frankie and wanted something more. These three things: food, my book, and Grace & Frankie. I know they all make me happy, and I can feel it, just a little. It’s a dull prodding in my belly, the feeling that I want more than sitting here. A feeling of responsibility to myself. Or maybe I’m just hungry. 

I get up. I wash my face. I heat up the stove and make a stirfry. While it’s cooking I pour myself a glass of water and read about Jane’s childhood. I think this book is here for me at the right time. 

I don’t feel peaceful, I don’t feel happy. But I feel like maybe if I sleep that tomorrow will be better. I doubt it, but it’s possible. 

I put on Grace & Frankie while I fall asleep. Something to distract me. I smile, these ladies are so talented. I realize that’s the first time I’ve smiled today. It’s 10:50pm. I can go to bed.

Things I Reference:

Crisis Text Line: US/Canada (741741), UK (85258), Ireland (50808)

For More Hotlines Visit https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html

My Life So Far, Jane Fonda

Grace & Frankie on Netflix

Reasons to Stay Alive, Matt Haig

Notes on a Nervous Planet, Matt Haig

“How to Fail with Elizabeth Day” S10, E2, with Matt Haig

#essay #writing #mental health #university #online uni #uni student #student essay #creative writing #depression #anxiety #resources #zoom university #zoom lecture #zoom student #study break #studyblr #studyblr gets real

[kindofvertigo-m]

Reggie’s Views on Romance & The Effects of His Parents’ Relationship (Main Verse).

I’ve been thinking a lot about Reggie’s views on romance, and I thought it’d be fun to develop some (super informal) context around those ideas. This is mostly based on my own headcanons, with some supporting evidence from the show, and more informed details about what I headcanon Reggie’s Myers Briggs personality type to be, which is ESFP-A. I wanted to also include some headcanons about Reggie’s dating history, but because I would have to make up some NPCs and more in-depth narratives, I didn’t get as specific as I hope I’ll be able to in the future. I’m also not going to be discussing Reggie’s bisexulity in-depth, because I don’t really feel like I have anything new to say about it.

This is probably also something I’ll never shut up about and will write more about as thoughts develop.

tl’dr he’s just a big ol sap who wants to find the love of his life and once he finds that he’s gonna do everything he can to keep it and be happy okayyyy

His Views:

Reggie is the type to believe in things like love at first sight, soulmates, true love, and whatever other sappy romantic cliches you can think of. He’s looking for The One™, but interestingly enough, he’s not thinking of his search in a planned out, long-term, big-commitment-right-away sort of way. He thinks of love as a natural, unpredictable, spontaneous sort of thing. For people with the Entertainer personality type, relationships aren’t about slowly building foundations for the future, or planning out a life – they are bubbling, unpredictable things to be enjoyed for as long as there’s enjoyment to be had.

He doesn’t think carefully or strategically about the partners he pursues. He acts based on feelings and connections he has in the moment. He catches feelings quickly, and if doesn’t act on them quickly he sees that as a missed opportunity. How is he supposed to find his soulmate if he doesn’t take advantage of every opportunity he has to click with someone? How is supposed to know who’s right for him if he doesn’t take enough chances to get to know people? Entertainers are fortunate that they take the time to find someone they truly enjoy being with every day, rather than settling too soon for stability over happiness, only to lose both.

Falling hard and fast for people has its disadvantages. Jumping into something quickly might mean that it fizzles out quickly. Or that there are more opportunities to be rejected. Or that the initial spark he felt was purely circumstantial. Or it might turn out that his partner doesn’t get along with his friends, which is probably one of the most ugent red flags/deciding factors. He usually goes into things with the best intentions, but he’s not great at being able to see when people are taking advantage of him or trying to get close to him for the wrong reasons. Taking more risks in romance means there’s more risk for heartbreak.

Highly emotional people, and sensitive, Entertainers respond poorly to outside “suggestions” on how to manage their love lives. They respond even worse if criticisms come from their partners, and trying to take emotions out of the picture by telling Entertainers to “not take this personally” isn’t helpful either. Handling these situations better is a definite area for improvement for Entertainers, as there are entire dating strategies (pretty distasteful, manipulative ones) that revolve around exploiting this very trait.

On the other hand, the issue can be a lack of criticism at all. Entertainers value social input a lot, and are almost as affected by their friends’ opinions of their dating partners as their own.

Something about Reggie, though, is that once he knows something isn’t turning out to be the be-all end-all, he’s pretty adept at moving on. Entertainers reevaluate their situations and commitments constantly, regardless of professions of love and dedication today. If a week later they just don’t feel the same, that’s it, and Entertainer personalities have no problem seriously considering breaking things off. If something isn’t working out for reasons of compatibility, he’s very understanding about letting it go. If something doesn’t work out for a reason of ill will ( say, someone cheated on him ) then the results can be devastating because of how highly he values romantic connections.

When Reggie does make a connection with someone that develops into something long term and genuine, he’s all in. While they do last though, relationships with Entertainers are simply unforgettable. People with this personality type always have some new and exciting activity up their sleeves, and they genuinely enjoy spending each moment with their partners. 

His Parents:

We don’t get a lot of info about Reggie’s parents from the show. What we do get is that, according to Luke, none of the boys were “that close to [their] families” and that Reggie’s parents were “literally a fight away from a divorce”. We also know that Reggie did care about his parents, enough to ask the guys, “Can we go see my family and see how they’re doing?” after getting teary-eyed when Ray talked about Rose (S1:E2 about 26ish minutes in). I’ve already written some headcanons about Reggie’s relationships with his parents. One of which can be found here. And I also mention it briefly here.

What I haven’t talked about as much is how seeing his parents’ relationship play out has affected his views of romance. What I really want to emphasize is how Reggie has not become jaded, cynical, or pessimistic about romance because of his parent’s failed relationship. He sees that they tried to force something that wasn’t going to work out, and that if they hadn’t stuck together for the wrong reasons, they both would have been able to find the person they were meant to be with. He sees having a successful, life-long relationship as sort of a duty. To be able to have what his parents deserved to have in their life.

He also sees their relationship as a warning. A warning to constantly reevaluate his relationships and to not force a relationship that isn’t working out. This can become an issue if Reggie becomes too paranoid about a relationship not working out, or if he mistakes a conflict that can be worked through as something that is irrevocable. While Entertainers can be willing to work on their relationships rather than swap them out, it takes a great deal of maturity and experience for them to realize that it can be worth the bother.

#🚫 : m.014.001 : 《 about 〈 reggie 〉 》

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