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complicatedandstained · 4 years

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358 Nights: Poker Night

If it weren’t for Saïx’s schedules, the entire Organization would crumble. At least, according to Saïx.

Overnight patrol duty is just one of many, many rotations assigned to each member each day. Its purported, primary goal: to protect the hallowed halls of the Castle That Never Was in the midnight hours. Its actual goal: to enforce curfew, so Saïx can get some shut eye.

Once overnight patrol duty kicked off, it became quickly apparent which Organization members you don’t want to run into alone in a dark hallway in the middle of the night, and which you don’t mind so much.

Because Luxord has no interest in reporting anyone for being out of bed past curfew any night of the month—he is typically the best option. That is, provided you’re willing to go in on a little quid pro quo a.k.a. poker night a.k.a. buy Luxord a pint once a month and go in on a hand, or two, or twelve of dealer’s choice.

And if it feels kind of like blackmail, well, Luxord’s not above that.

Lately, poker nights have been held in the drafty back rooms of boozy pubs and disreputable inns on a messy little island called Tortuga. Frequented predominantly by pirates and smugglers, it’s the kind of place where nobody asks a Nobody too many questions and everyone’s too blitzed to remember a face. So, it’s the kind of place the Organization likes to be.

The original plan had been to periodically switch up locations, but that was a pain in the ass because nobody ever portaled in at the same time and someone was always going to the wrong place and waiting around for a half hour, then getting pissy about it—which was fine when it was Demyx, but less fine when it was Xigbar.

So, lately, poker nights have been held at Gibbs’ place—Gibbs being a graying old sailor bearing a kind, round face and fluffy white beard with high sideburns and a ponytail.

They like Gibbs well enough. The pub owner’s the solid, reliable sort, with a lively, certain cadence to his voice—always ready to hear or tell a good story, sing a sea shanty, or call for another round.

And, yeah, maybe Gibbs has been getting a little too familiar with the lot of them. And, yeah, maybe he asks way too many questions. But, despite his claims to a former career in piracy under the service of Captains Barbossa and Sparrow—not to mention the Royal Navy—he’s, generally speaking, harmless as a slice of cold cheese pizza.

Most importantly, he gives them complimentary beer bread if they don’t start a brawl in the first half hour of coming around. So, they let ‘im slide.

Xigbar’s the first one in. He likes to be. More time to get the lay of the land and drink in peace. Outside of that Cuddly Duckling joint in Corona—the one with all the fucking, god-awful, pitchy flash mob song and dance numbers—Tortuga’s among the only places he can travel where he can walk up to a bar and take a seat without turning the heads of everyone in the joint.

The tables and booths of Gibb’s pub are pleasantly crowded as usual, accordion music drifting through shouts and tipsy conversation. Xigbar’s got half a stein down before Gibbs notices him. A couple more gulps before Gibbs works up the nerve to approach, false cheer marked with frozen dimples. “Why, Sniper, me lad, you’re early!”

“Yeah.” Xigbar chuckles into the foam of his drink. “Thank the Lord.”

“Ah, crews be like families,” Gibbs reasons in his infinite wisdom, borne of the sea salt breeze, “and we all fancy a break from the family every now and ag’in, I always say.”

Xigbar rolls his eyes but nods.

Gibbs glances around the room for more of Xigbar’s usual company, but doesn’t spot them. “Haven’t gotten a table for your crew o’ thirteen together yet, but I—”

“Don’t bother.” Xigbar interrupts with a quick slash of his hand. “We ain’t expecting much of a crowd tonight.”

Gibbs’ brows go up, finding something in Xigbar’s tone rather ominous, but before he can ask, the door to his pub swings open, near off its hinge, and brings with it a jaunty gust of guitar music and a lanky blond.

Said blond strums and sings like the sound’s possessing him, sashaying in with fast, certain steps, each synced with the rhythm of his next note. The tune reminds Xigbar of a soft rock ballad, entirely out of place in this world, though the pretty young women hanging on Demyx’s arms, swaying their hips, don’t seem to mind.

“And after all~ You’re my wonderwall~”

Xigbar chokes, the ale burning his throat and nose. The nearby patrons of the pub nod and sway along. Feet start to stamp as Demyx twirls and plays, steps light, and the women on his arms whirl, their skirts billowing and their giggles airy.

“You’re my wonderwall~”

Xigbar sighs, sparing the ruckus over his shoulder the briefest of glares before plunking down his drink. “Dumb little shit…”

“Now, wait just a—” Gibbs’ grin at the music dims as Xigbar eases onto his feet, but Gibbs doesn’t dare make a grab for his arm.

Xigbar ignores the objection and strolls up to Demyx with heavy, confident steps. He claps his gloved hands together, slow and out of beat with the song, and Demyx stops dancing to turn his way.

The young women retreat behind Demyx’s lanky height as the large, muscular man draws nearer, but Demyx remains where he is—rather idiotically, in the opinion of the spectators—only a foot out of the doorway, strumming in challenge, an easy grin on his face.

“I said maybe~ You’re gonna be the one that saves me~ Because after all—”

No more than a foot apart, Xigbar stops clapping and Demyx stops playing.

And probably, Xigbar figures, he should give Demyx a hard time, but on the other hand, it is his night off.

Xigbar sets a hand on Demyx’s shoulder, the rigid line of his mouth twitching just enough for Demyx’s eyes to catch. “Why you always gotta make a fucking scene, kid?”

“Psh.” Demyx tilts his head, a strand of hair flipping into his eye, and grins up at the scarred, muscled man, strums another chord, swishes his hips. “You liked it.”

Demyx’s fangirls shriek as Xigbar moves in on Demyx, but the shrieks muffle and abruptly die as they watch the scarred, older man crush their mouths together. Demyx grin brightens, guitar shifting behind his back, body molding to Xigbar’s like water.

People shout, jeer, laugh, and in the distance, after a few hesitant squawks, the accordion starts up again.

Their mouths break just long enough for Demyx to manage, “Now who’s making a scene?”

And Xigbar to counter, “It’s your own fucking fault,” before scooping him up by the ass and pressing their lips together again.

A throat clears loudly beside them, and Xigbar maneuvers them closer to the bar to another round of catcalls.

The throat clearing follows them, punctuated by an, “Um, Sniper, sir?”

Xigbar sets Demyx up on the bar, lifting his drink and turning around. He petrifies the pub owner not with his golden, one-eyed stare or the slosh of his tankard, but with the murderous smirk he follows it up with. “Yes, Gibbs?”

Gibbs swallows, motions a bit loosely with his hand, then eventually just nods over his shoulder. At a corner table amid the bustle, Luxord sits alone, silver-backed cards fanned out in one hand and a brimming mug of amber grog in the other. He raises the cards in their direction.

Xigbar salutes back, then turns to pat Demyx’s cheek though he’s pouting something fierce. “Game time.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Demyx complains, sliding off the counter in resignation. He starts thrumming “Luck Be a Lady Tonight” as Xigbar signals the bartender for another couple drinks. “Game time.”

Together they make their way to the card table.

#kingdom hearts #xigdem #xigbar #demyx #luxord #saix #organization xiii #potc #gibbs #wonderwall #my writing #358 nights #to be continued #probably

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babybirdgyeom · 6 years

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how to survive a hearbreak ✧

✎ jb x reader » lowkey angst, lovers to friends

✎ summary: breaking up is hard, getting over it is harder and becoming friends again was the hardest challenge you had to face yet.

✎ word count: 3.5k

✎ warnings: jaebum crying y’all, it’s emotional and shit

Emptiness would be the best word to describe your current situation. Since you and Jaebum broke up emptiness was all around you. You were well aware that you were over and there was no way of getting back together. You broke up for the better, your relationship was slowly going to pieces and both of you couldn’t deny that so one day, a few weeks ago, the two of you sat together, both too afraid to speak the truth out loud. In the end Jaebum made the first step, just like he did when the two of you became a couple, and addressed the situation.

A few hours, many tears, harsh truths and a few goodbye kisses later the two of you decided to bring your relationship to an end. Certainly it was a big and unfamiliar step for the two of you, both of you were suddenly faced with being alone again after having a loving relationship for many years and you could swear the sky was getting a bit darker when you parted your ways.

The worst thing of it all was that you couldn’t be mad at anyone, there was no one who you could hate or blame for the pain you were feeling In the end the bitter truth was that there was nothing you could do once the magic dies. So now you were trying to get over Im Jaebum, the man you shared a bed with for many years so you and him could become friends one day. That was the shared goal both of you settled for when you broke up.

You haven’t seen Jaebum since this day, you didn’t hear from him and you stayed strong and didn’t ask any of your mutual friends about him - but today you had to face him. Your best friend and her boyfriend, Jaebum’s best friend were moving in together today and of course it was mandatory for both of you to be at their housewarming party. Actually, all sadness aside, today was actually a day you were looking forward to since weeks - not only did you have a reason to get out of bed and dress up but also you’d see all of your friends and everyone will be in a good mood, your best friend has been planning this for over a month and was beyond excited.

So you took a long shower, trying to wash the exhaustion away and got ready - today you’d go full on make up and hair, not shying away from maybe using a bit too much blush or hairspray. Of course there still was a small desire in you to impress Jaebum but more importantly you wanted to impress yourself.

And you did. You haven’t felt that good in a long time, at least not from the outside. Your hair was falling perfectly and your make up looked sharp. “Good job.”, you said to yourself before leaving the house.

Arriving at your friends house you felt your jaw dropping down bit, you knew she really knew how to decorate but what she did to this small flat was literally breathtaking.

“(Y/n)!”, you heard Sara screaming out of the kitchen, “Wait, I’ll be there in two seconds.”

When she came out of door she was wearing an apron, a spoon in her hand and a bit of flour on her face, making you chuckle a bit. She might be the softest person you ever got to meet, always smiling and ready to lighten up everyone’s mood. “Damn girl, you look hot. You really wanna take revenge, huh?”, she asked laughing while walking down the floor to you before giving you a hug, “Welcome to my new flat. Get used to it, you need to visit at least three times a week.”

“If you pay the gas money, sure.”, you joked while looking around, “You really have magical hands.”

“Oh, that’s nothing.”, she winked, “Wait until you see the rest. But first follow me to the kitchen, I’m baking.”

The next hour went by almost in no time, helping Sara prepare the rest few things before the party could start was definitely giving you joy. In the end a good friend is worth more than any money.

After the two of you were finished she let herself fall down on her couch, “We’re done bitch.”, she said laughing, “Thank you.”

You sat down right beside her giving her a high five.

“So, today is the great reunion, hm? Are you nervous?”, she asked you worried, taking your hand.

“I had four cups of coffee, I don’t know if I’m nervous or if I’m having a heart attack soon.”

“Oh, shut up.”, she said while playfully hitting you with a pillow, “I’m being serious. I’m worried about you, babe.”

You knew she was worried but you were just starting to enjoy yourself so you didn’t want your mood to be killed again, “I’ll be fine. I miss him so seeing him might be even a good thing.”, at least you wished it was.

Within the next hour the whole flat was filled with people, some of them you knew but most of them you didn’t. It always amazed you how many people Sara and Mark, her boyfriend, knew - it wasn’t like you didn’t had a lot of friends but their apartment was currently having a party with at least a hundred people. It started to become dark outside and the music was getting louder, cups were filled with alcohol and more people started to dance.

While you were chatting with some people here and played some drinking games with some other people there you always caught yourself looking for Jaebum. No matter how much you tried you couldn’t stop yourself. And you weren’t the only one who noticed.

“He’s not here yet. He wrote me he’ll be here soon.”, Sara raised her eyebrow at you, “You’re way too obvious.”, she laughed.

“I have no idea who you’re talking about.”, you said sarcastically before downing your drink.

While turning around to get another drink your eyes met a pair of eyes you knew too well, the two moles on his upper eyelid and his strong eyebrows, the almost black colour of his eyes that you used to stare at for hours - his gaze hit you like a sword and you were sure that actually being hit by a sword would feel just as painful. You swallowed when he nod his head at you, a small smile on his face that was nothing compared to his usual smile that was shining so bright - he was being polite, you knew that, but you felt like stranger. You forced yourself to smile at him, a proper smile, not a small and weak one. As soon as you did you could see his smile growing a bit wider but before anything else could happen between the two of you Jaebum was getting company by Mark and a woman you’ve never seen before. Remember when you thought seeing him hurt? Well, seeing a woman right beside him where you used to stand was worse than that.

You knew that whoever this woman was she didn’t mean anything to him, you knew him well enough to be aware of the fact that he still was hurting too and the last thing he’d do would be sleeping around, he knew just as good as you it wouldn’t help him. There was not a single reason to be jealous - he wasn’t your boyfriend anymore and he definitely wasn’t the boyfriend of this girl beside him but in the end it was still not a nice sight to see.

As he hugged Mark and this random girl you found yourself staring so you fastly shook your head looking away just as Jaebum’s glance found yours again - Right now all you could think of was fleeing, not the most mature thing but then on the other hand, you always tried to act mature so it would be fine if you didn’t for just one night. So your feet carried you straight to the table with the alcohol. Sometimes you just gotta drown your feelings.

You tried to drown them and for a hot minute you were sure you did - as the room around you was rotating and you felt your cheeks turning red and warm you sat next to Sara and another friend, laughing and chatting loudly, dancing stupidly and enjoying yourself. In this moment you didn’t think of Jaebum, you were convinced that this pain will pass soon, just like you always told yourself.

And so the night continued, you barely saw Jaebum which made you a bit more relaxed even though the thought of him and the blonde girl truly made you furious everytime it came to your mind. Even though you lowkey had the urge to talk to him you stopped yourself from looking for him until the bitter end that was around 3 a.m. for you.

“I’m leaving babe.”, you said to Sara while hugging her, clearly not sober, “Where is Mark? I want to say goodbye.”

She laughed at you, “Alright honey. He’s on the balcony. Get home safe. Don’t talk to strangers. Go straight home.”, she nagged.

You let out a sigh, “I promise, mum. I’ll write you when I arrive.”, you mumbled.

“Good kid.”, she said as you turned around to walk to the balcony.

“The queen is leaving!”, you said with half closed eyes as you stepped out. What you didn’t expect was Jaebum right beside Mark and as you saw him you suddenly felt stone cold sober, your eyes opening wide, followed by a small ‘Oh’ that was escaping your mouth. Next to Jaebum was the girl, next to Mark a male face you’ve definitely seen before but you couldn’t remember who he was.

Mark let out a chuckle, ignoring the awkward vibes between you and Jaebum. “Looks like the queen had a few drinks. Is she sure she can go home alone?”, he said while standing up and hugged you.

“You are just like Sara, always worried about me.”, you laughed at him, “I appreciate that.”

“You’re just our favorite.”, he messed up your hair, “Text us when you’re home.”, he sounded almost commanding.

“I will, I will.”, you said while rolling your eyes, “Goodbye!”, you said while waving to the rest, gathering up all your courage and looking Jaebum straight in the eyes, “Much fun.”

As you made your way to the door you were looking for your headphones in your bag, trying to untie them as soon as you left your friends apartment, ready to go home and just let yourself fall into bed.

Just as you put your headphones and tried to have a peaceful walk home, enjoying the chill breeze someone took your wrist. You immediately turned around, ready to punch someone if you had to just to find no one else but Jaebum looking at you with an amused glance. “Just how much booze did you have?”, he asked soft and you wanted to puke when you felt the butterflies in your stomach. This didn’t seem fair. You were doing just fine the whole evening thinking you could actually get over him but as soon as he was standing in front of you all the confidence vanished and you felt small.

“A bit.”, you said silently, “Maybe a bit too much.”, you admitted, making him chuckle. In this moment you either wanted to punch or kiss him, the feelings you had were way to overwhelming, “What do you want?”, you asked a bit harsh even though you didn’t want to sound that way.

“I saw you leaving and I had the urge to walk you home.”, he admitted just as silently as you were before, he even seemed a bit embarrassed as he started walking, waiting for you to follow, “Old habits die hard, I guess.”

As you were a bit baffled by his actions he tried to lighten up the mood, “Your nosering.”, he mentioned, “That’s new.”

You chuckled at his bad try, “Yes. I thought that’s what people do after a break up. Get a piercing or dye their hair. So I wanted to try.”

Confused by how relaxed your answer sounded you immediately tried to be more serious again. Of course your plan was to befriend Jaebum again but you needed to be ready for that and you definitely weren’t at this point yet. “Jaebum, I can walk home alone, I promise.”

He shook his head without looking at you, “Let me walk you home.”, he almost insisted. His voice sounded weak but he cleared his throat and continued, “Can we talk this out, please?”

Your heart hurt while listening to his voice, your glance was glued to the ground. “Jaebum.”, you sighed while burrying your hands in the pockets of your trenchcoat, “Don’t.”

The two of you were slowly walking down the streets, the air between you two getting thicker. You hated that it had to be awkward between the two of you, it shouldn’t be - you dated each other for years and have known each other for even longer.

“You’re angry with me. I know.”, he said while kicking a stone away.

“I’m not.”, you said immediately and surprisingly determined, “I’m not mad at you. I’m still hurting. That’s it.”

“I’m hurting too. I’m sorry I am making you go through this. My goal was never to hurt you.”, he said and you felt his gaze pierced to you but didn’t dare to look at him.

You didn’t say anything even though you wanted to. Everything you could’ve possibly said wouldn’t be enough, too meaningless. Both of you were very well aware that you broke up for a good reason: There was nothing you could do once the magic was gone.

“We need to find happiness without each other before we can be happy with each other again, Jaebum.”, you finally said. It was harsh to say something like that, you never thought you’d have to. Jaebum immediately stopped walking, making you do the same, wondering what was going on.

When you looked over to him you found him looking up in the night sky, you saw him swallowing and immediately knew what was going on. Dating him for many years you knew by now what he looked like when he tried not to cry. To your own surprise you managed to stay strong and not break out in tears with him - after all you felt like you cried yourself out.

“I can’t even look at you right now.”, he still was looking up, his voice was shaking and there were tears rolling down his cheeks. Your first instinct was to hug him but you knew you couldn’t. Your heart hurt just as much as his, not being able to feel and hold him even though he was right in front of him.

“I miss you too.”, you almost whispered but he heard and swallowed hard another time before finally looking at you. As soon as he did you felt tears coming up in your eyes, “We’ll be friends again someday, right?”

You were afraid of the answer - you loved Jaebum so much and if you couldn’t have him as a lover you needed him as a friend. “The worst thing about this is that you might have been my boyfriend but most importantly you were my best friend. Not texting you and not knowing how you are kills me.”, you said while a tear rolled down your face. Jaebum’s facial expression almost seemed tortured under his tears and at this point he was almost sobbing. Both of you definitely wanted to hug each other but you tried to resist, knowing it would be too hard to let go.

He came a bit closer, standing right in front of you but didn’t dare to touch you in any way. This had to be enough for now. “(Y/n). How do I survive this heartbreak?”, he asked clearly and his words felt like sharp cuts. If only you knew what to answer to that. There you were at three in the morning, standing in front of each other, crying and trying to find out how to not lose each other. Who knew that love could be such a mischievious thing?

He looked at you, studying your face while waiting for an answer. You cleared your throat, “With me by your side.”, secretly you knew that you needed a break from him to get over him but how could you not be there for him when he needed you.

In response to your words he hold your wrist, making you jump a bit since you didn’t expect any physical contact. “I can’t imagine my life without you, (y/n).”

Silence. Luckily, it was a comfortable one though. Both of you tried to calm down and thought about the situation.

“This is so cheesy, huh?”, Jaebum asked after he wiped the tears out of his face, “The only thing that’s missing is heavy rain and we could be actors in the next big movie.”

You chuckled at him, happy to see he didn’t lost his humour. In this moment you were sure that everything will work out for the two of you once you’re ready. “We’re just too dramatic.”, you added laughing. His hand was still holding your wrist. “Are you a bit better?”, you ask him worried.

“I’m fine now. Not talking to you is killing me.”, he shut his eyes and took a deep breath, “It’s good to see you.”

“Well, don’t let the blonde girl know that you spend your evening with.”, you said half joking but immediately regretted it, ruining a moment like this. You’d definitely blame the alcohol for that.

Jaebum raised his eyebrow at you, “Jealous?”

Letting out a loud laugh while walking away from him you decided to ignore this question, “Do you want to walk me home now or not Jaebum?”, you asked walking away from him.

“I’m coming.”, he said while following you.

The rest of the walk was almost peaceful - you talked about light topics after you decided that there was enough crying for tonight. It hurt a lot to think that this might be the part where the two of you ended a beautiful and very long chapter but you could still smile about it, knowing the next chapter would still include him and would be just adventurous, exciting and breathtaking like the last one. Im Jaebum was your favorite person in the world and losing him as a boyfriend was suffocating - but having him as a friend made flowers grow in your heart.

He’d always be there and you’d be right by his side.

#thank you so much for reading #feedback is always always always appreciated ♥#im jaebum #got7 #im jaebum imagine #im jaebum scenario #got7 imagine #got7 fanfic #got7 scenario #got7 jb #got7 imagines #jaebum imagine #jaebum scenario #im jaebum scenarios #jaebum scenarios #im jaebum imagines #jb #jaebum

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pepperoniwhirlwind · 5 years

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🌼~Honesty Hour~🌼 (pt. 2)

I was asked by @lovelynhiddenkittens to do 150 questions in the honesty hour tag quite a while ago, and only did a third of it. But no longer will this be the case! Midterms are mostly over (the two biggest ones are done at least) so I can focus on more fun things, like answering these questions! Here’s my answers to questions 51-100:

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yes. I have a lot of internalized shame about my body type (petite and curvy) that whenever I see someone super tall or toned I just want to be them. Even if it’s only for a day. I don’t have these wishes so much anymore though. Alex and I have been dating for 5 months (on the 21st of this month) and he loves my body type. Thanks to him, I’m learning to love myself, and learning that I don’t have to be a model to be loved~ 💕

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My depression. I feel like it makes me a burden on everyone, and although it’s shaped who I am, has it really changed me for the better? Maybe I’m more understanding and empathetic because of it, but it’s also caused me an inordinate amount of pain, and unnecessary pain for my loved ones.

53. Favorite make-up brand?

I don’t wear make-up often enough for me to even have a clue.

54. Favorite store?

What I’m buying changes which store I prefer. If it’s food, I generally hit up Fry’s. If it’s home decor (Which Alex and I needed quite a bit of in recency, given that we just moved into an apartment together a few months ago) I shop at Target. If I need to buy shampoo, face wipes, deodorant, shaving cream, etc. I typically go to Wal-Mart. Does anyone really have just 1 store that they shop at? I know if I bought non-food items at Fry’s I’d go bankrupt. 😂

55. Favorite blog?

That’s a real tough one. I love all of my Tumblr friend’s blogs. @im-here-cause-im-not-all-there posts a lot of stuff I relate to, same for @theperksofneurodivergency, who always posts great content. Seriously, I could sit here for ages and list off all the people on Tumblr that I follow, but that would be ridiculous. Rest assured that if I follow you, it means I generally like what you post.

56. Favorite color?

I love darker colors on the cooler end of the color spectrum; mainly green, blue & purple. I even like pastel colors occasionally. Though that’s more likely when I’m being influenced by some of my alters who like lighter colors. Like Honey, who loves pastel colors, and all things sweet really. That’s why sunflowers are her favorite flower. She appreciates all the sunny and cheerful things in life. ☀️ In our inner world, she even has a garden that she tends to regularly, and grows (you guessed it) sunflowers, among other things.

57. Favorite food?

Oh look, another tough one. Hmm... It really depends what I’m in the mood for. But my boyfriend recently started taking me to Schlotzsky’s, which has a lot of really good sandwiches. Though, I’m always down for some Arby’s. I’m in a rut there, but I don’t care. Their roast beef classic and curly fries are to die for. 😋

58. Last thing you ate?

Speaking of Arby’s... 😆 I ate there for dinner last night in celebration of passing my proctored exam for my math class. It was worth 75% of my grade, and I wasn’t allowed to have anything (they even confiscated my bottle of water). It took 2 hours and was suuuper stressful. So my BF rewarded me with Arby’s when I passed~ 😄 This is just one of the many reasons why I love him~ 💖

59. First thing you ate this morning?

It’s the morning right now, and I haven’t eaten yet... 😅 Does the two sips of my boyfriend’s coffee count?... No?... Okay. *sighs* I should go eat now actually, so I can take my morning meds. Thanks for reminding me, Tumblr ask!

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I got first place in a race once... then immediately quit the track team. 😂 Running just wasn’t for me. I’ve won blue ribbons for art (culinary and painting mostly) before at the 4-H Fair, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in a proper competition that I won. I recently participated in a Drag Show at my college, and even signed my performance (I know ASL, and I hoped it would make me stand out a bit against the competition), but I didn’t win. It was actually a really close call between all the participants, and the host/judge couldn’t decide who the audience cheered louder for, so the lady who’d set up this event had to come up and make the decision. I was one of the first people she decided should leave the stage. So, needless to say, I felt a little embarrassed and defeated afterwards.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

I never even had detention 😂 ; I was a goody two-shoes growing up. I was always the teacher’s pet, so no, I was never suspended or expelled.

62. Been arrested? For what?

⬆️ See the point I made above for your answer. ⬆️ I’d have to cease being a goody two-shoes first before being arrested is even a possibility, so no, my record is squeaky clean... we won’t speak of the songs I’ve illegally downloaded from YouTube though. >-> <-< Don’t tell the po-po about this, or else I’ll be forced to participate in court-ordered rehab for my music addiction. 😂

63. Ever been in love?

Yes~ 💘 I’m in love right now, with the most supportive and understanding man I’ve ever known~ I shouldn’t have to say who at this point, but I will. It’s my BF, Alex~ ❤️

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss.

Well, this was back when I lived in Indiana. I had a core group of friends, that all happened to be on the LGBT+ spectrum, so we were practically dripping in rainbow-y goodness. 🌈 Mich, essentially the leader of the group, is trans. While Levi is gay and Laci (she thought she was a lesbian originally, and identified as such for the time that I knew her; I don’t really have contact with any of them anymore) is bi. That just leaves Sasha, who is also bi, and she was my first kiss. Mich, Sasha, I, and others (Levi and Laci weren’t there though) all decided to play spin-the-bottle. Sasha was the first person I landed on, and I still remember her kiss. It was soft, like a cloud, and tasted like strawberries. 🍓 It was a wonderful first kiss, but I definitely prefer kissing Alex the most~ 😍

65. Are you hungry right now?

Well, considering I just ate a mini donut with my pills... yes, yes I am. 😂 ...Don’t you judge me either! Alex and I bought a bunch of mini donuts for our last D&D gaming sesh at Tyler’s, and there was still a bunch left over, so someone has to eat them, and I didn’t feel like making a proper breakfast. Plus, the one I ate is strawberry flavored, so how could I not eat it? If anyone turns down a strawberry donut, suspect immediately that they are a lizard-person.

66. Do you like your Tumblr friends more than your real friends?

What a savage question. No, I do not. I like all of my friends, equally, whether they’re online or offline. I only care if my friends are good people or not; and if they care and respect me as much as I do them. Whether they live nearby or not is of little importance to me. I base my friendships off of their character, their morals; not their place of residence.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Well, I don’t have a Twitter, and only really check my Facebook once in a blue moon. So... neither?... What, is that not an option? Fine... I choose Facebook... I guess.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr.

69. Are you watching TV right now?

No, I’m currently typing this... I am listening to music though, of course. 😆

70. Names of your best friends?

Well, Tyler’s the only friend I have IRL that knows me, like, truly knows me. By that, I means she knows about my DID, among other diagnoses, as we’ve talked at length about both of our diagnoses before. Since she has Bipolar disorder, she gets what it’s like to have a “scary” mental illness; the ones that get characterized by media to always be violent and unhinged. She didn’t judge me or fear me, she only asked questions and tried to learn as much about my system as she could, which tells us that she truly cares and understands. I’ve told other people before, but they’re either no longer a part of my life, or were creeped out by my DID, and are choosing to forget that I ever told them in the first place. My Tumblr friends also know about my DID, given that I post about it and mention it in my blog bio, but there’s a certain level of anonymity on the internet that allows for me to be more open about it. Telling someone IRL? Now that’s terrifying. It takes a lot of trust, and given that I have had some bad reactions in the past, it makes it even more daunting.

71. Craving something? What?

Honestly? A vacuum. And a mop, while I’m at it. I’ve been cleaning for most of the morning, and those are the only cleaning supplies that I need and don’t have. I keep trying to talk Alex into buying them, but he’s not as bothered by dirty floors as I am. He even walks around barefoot on these filthy floors! IDK how! Even if I’m wearing socks it bothers me. I don’t like stepping on anything, and the only way I don’t feel what’s on the ground is if I’m wearing shoes. So... I basically never take off my shoes except for when I’m in bed. 😂

72. What color are your towels?

What a weird question. 😆 Before I moved in with Alex, I lived with my parents, and we didn’t have a standard color of towel. We had an assortment of colors from multiple old sets of towels, a lot of them raggedy, some of them bleached, most of them ancient. Then when I started living with Alex, we still have some towels of differing colors, but most of them are blue and soft~ ✨ The sheets and pillow cases are blue too, though a lighter shade.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Not anymore. I used to when I was younger though. When I was a kid my stuffed animals felt like my children. I would rotate which ones got to sleep with me each night, hug and kiss them all goodnight then tuck them in. If one of them fell out of my arms in the middle of the night, it would wake me up immediately. Not even a slow, groggy wake-up. It was like my motherly instinct was an alarm clock, so I would wake up instantly and be wide awake, frantically searching for the stuffed animal that fell out of my arms. I would then pick them up, dust them off and apologize, then snuggle them and drift off back to sleep. When I was a teenager, I mostly cuddled them when I was lonely and needed some companionship to fall asleep. Now that I snuggle and sleep with my boyfriend each night, I no longer sleep with my stuffed animals, but I still love them and keep them as decoration for my bed at my parent’s house, since I never really sleep there anymore. I nap there occasionally, but that’s about it.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Uhhh... I’ve never actually counted, but at least a tub full.

75. Favorite animal?

Elephants and foxes, equally~ 💖

76. What color is your underwear?

I’m wearing black panties at the moment. It’s satiny with lace, so it’s cute and comfy; the best of both worlds. 😉

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Definitely chocolate, 🍫 provided it’s not too rich.

78. Favorite ice cream flavor?

I’m obsessed with matcha green tea ice cream right now, OMG, it’s sooo good~ 😋 Same goes for the matcha green tea frappuccino at Starbucks. It’s the only drink there that I actually get. I’ve tried other beverages they have, and generally don’t like them, but the matcha green tea frap is too delicious for it’s own good.

79. What color shirt are you wearing?

I’m actually wearing a really comfy dress right now, that I slept in as a nightgown last night. 😆 It’s gray and has a lace band on each sleeve.

80. What color pants?

⬆️ Once again, reference my previous entry. ⬆️ I am pantless, given that I’m sporting a dress at the moment.

81. Favorite TV show?

Oh geez... another hard one. Let’s see... I’ll just put the name of the show I’m watching the most right now. That would have to be “Crazy Ex Girlfriend” on Netflix. Before that I watched the newest seasons of “BoJack Horseman” as well as “Orange Is the New Black”, but I’ve already finished those.

82. Favorite movie?

Honestly, I’ve been really obsessed with “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” recently. When I re-watched it as an adult, I noticed how much more serious that movie is compared to Disney’s other films. They cover some pretty dark subject matter, and do it well... *sighs* if only they’d nixed the addition of the gargoyles. They ruin every emotional or tense scene that they’re placed in, and make the lighter scenes just plain cringey. I know they wanted to make it suitable for kids, but I think Disney underestimates what kids can handle, especially considering they reference the darker scenes subtly enough so as to keep the movie’s G rating intact. Like what about the goat, Djali, that belongs to Esmeralda? The goat could have been the comic relief, but instead they brought in the talking gargoyles. They couldn’t even do something cool with the gargoyles, like make them a part of Quasi’s imagination. He’s been alone in a bell tower for his entire life, so it would make sense that he would begin talking to the statues and giving them personalities... but no... it’s shown at the end that the gargoyles can interact with and impact the real world, making them a part of it as well.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Well, considering I’ve only ever seen the first one, and didn’t even know there was a second one, I’m gonna have to go with “Mean Girls”.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

I’ve never seen “21 Jump Street”, so once again, “Mean Girls” takes the cake.

85. Favorite character from Mean Girls?

Oh, that’s hard, especially when they’re all such fun characters. Janis is pretty cool, so she’s up there, but Karen is probably my favorite. She’s such a simple, naive soul, you can’t help but love her.

86. Favorite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory, hands down. But I wanna give a special shout-out to Bubbles, the character from the fish tank that, (you guessed it) is obsessed with bubbles. 😆 He cracks me up every time.

87. First person you talked to today?

Alex. Considering we both wake up in the same bed, it would be nearly impossible for him not to be the one I talk to first thing in the morning.

88. Last person you talked to today?

Once again, Alex, given that it’s still early in the day and I haven’t seen anybody else yet.

89. Name a person you hate?

All of my abusers. Every. Single. One. They made me feel small, worthless, and unloved. So I hope each one of them feels that way for the rest of their miserable existences.

90. Name a person you love?

My boyfriend, Alex~ He’s my world, my hopes and dreams, and everything I aspire to be~ 💖

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

No. I want to punch all of my abusers in the balls. With a baseball bat. Repeatedly, until they’re infertile.

92. In a fight with someone?

No.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Only one. I want to buy more, but that requires that I have money, which I don’t.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

I have my Nirvana sweatshirt, my “Nightmare Before Christmas” sweatshirt, and two hoodies with my college logo on them. One’s gray and the other is red.

95. Last movie you watched?

“The Hunchback of Notre Dame”.

96. Favorite actress?

I have no idea. So I’m gonna go find a list of the top 100 actresses and go from there. *some time passes* So, I found an actress I actually know, and that’s Krysten Ritter, who played Jessica Jones on Netflix’s hit series named (you guessed it again! Wow, you’re really good at this.) “Jessica Jones”.

97. Favorite actor?

That’s a tie between Robin Williams (I really miss him... He was such a vibrant and energetic actor, who also knew how to portray more serious, and heart-felt scenes. He was a skilled actor and a good man. May he rest in peace.) and Tom Hanks. I like quite a few films starring those actors.

98. Do you tan a lot?

Never.

99. Have any pets?

No... 😭 RIP Batman and Robin (my previous pet hermit crabs).

100. How are you feeling?

Productive! I practically cleaned the whole apartment in like 2 hours this morning, and just finished another third of this ask! I’m on a roll, and intend to do homework in a minute. For now though, I’d like to thank everyone who read through to the end, as well as thank @lovelynhiddenkittens for sending the ask in the first place! Sorry it’s taking so much time to finish it, but I’m over halfway done now! Whoo~! 🎉 *sets off a confetti popper and basks in the confetti shower* Anyways, take care everyone! I hope you all have a fantastic rest of your day (or night, wherever you are, just have a wonderful time!) See ya ‘round the bend~! 👋

*grabs a broom and begins sweeping up the confetti, muttering to myself* Why do I do this? Every time, I know I’m gonna have to clean it, but I do it anyway...

#honesty hour #asks #tony

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familyvisionis2020 · 4 years

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Day 1 - Asheville (2 of 2)

We got to The Mothlight around 6 and loaded in our gear. The sound guy is kind, learns or names, gives more bass mix in the monitor when the singer asks for it. I see our band name on the big movie broadsheet sized monthlong show poster and feel excited. In Asheville we take a walk and make fun of the murals, I tell the band about the Asheville 11 riots and the vegan restaurant that used to hook us up and memories of the anarchist scene that fees antique on my tongue. Kabir passes the rose water spray and so I take off my glasses and spray my face.

There’s a green room beneath the stage floor with a ping pong table and two dozen Battle Star Galactica VHS tapes and two water bottles with pee and an abandoned rocks glass. I beat Kabir in ping pong, Jeremy beats me, I think about the basketball game I quit last month because I habitually got too competitive and hurt or upset someone every week for weeks. I’m still on the group text for that game but I have it muted but I still read the texts.

We go upstairs and I read the first chapter of The Left Hand of Darkness over the course of an hour on a dusty velveteen mustard colored couch. Labor and Jeremy and John socialize and I’m happy to be left with my book, the sunset comes, the bartender arrives with a fuzzy jacket on, turns down the lights, puts on a playlist, takes plastic wrap off of limes. I’m able to get my friend from Carrboro who’s visiting in on the guest list which is nice. I get to share the kit of the headliner which means nicer than usual gear and mic’ed drums too which sounds so solid and big when I kick. I bring my own breakables though: snare, cymbals, sticks.

I find out there’s a few arcade cabinets in the back, make a b-line to the 1989 Atari Tetris cab. It’s not my favorite Tetris iteration but it’s a good one, joystick and two rotate buttons, kind of a soft high score situation because you can feed the machine quarters and prolong a game indefinitely. The longer the game goes the harder it gets though, and I’m rusty so it’s still a challenge. It’s a joy to play. The ecstasy of order, the familiar grid and cascade; the solid thunk of the joy stick isn’t unlike the satisfying fullness of a mic’ed kick drum. With a dollar I put up a casual second place high score and stop short because the opening band, Yeller, is playing. The lead singer is a femme with a merit colored crushed velvet cape, exaggerated mascara that I would call ‘corpse paint lite,’ dainty lace socks, torn fishnets, middle length brown hair that’s pretty but that has split ends. They remind me of how I looked when I dressed femme in Philly in 2015. I miss the way my girlfriend used to treat me when I dressed like that; I don’t miss the way most other people treated me. I miss feeling superior to boys who dress the way I dress now. I think about whether or not I’m much of a feminist as I was since I have conceded the battleground of the aesthetic, since I won’t show up for that fight anymore. I feel a wisp if fear and I am very comfortable. Earlier Jeremy Sharéd his kimchi with me; he said sometimes he just eats a whole jr in a sitting. Their band is hard to describe, it is rock, there is some bass solos. It does not sound like black metal or power pop or glam rock which are the genres my mind assumed the singer’s outfit signaled. The vocals remind me of folk punk, which in my narrow experience tracks with Asheville. Here are people in the front of the crowd bouncing around to the music and they look like they’re having so much fun and I try to let myself dance how they are, I find myself stiff but not too stiff to bounce a little. My body hasn’t done this movement pattern in a long time. In 2010 I would’ve called these people ‘muppets,’ a derisive epithet used primarily to excoriate such people for their putative positivity, lack of dourness, loud outfits and their bubbly interpersonal comportment, something like crunchy twee. Or is it deportment? I’m unbound by rigor typing with my thumbs in the van on the way to Knoxville. It’s nice to write slower and imperfectly.

The opener mentions us before finishing up which fees nice. We set up, slapdash soundchceck, I set up the breakables, change into shorts, fill up a water bottle, settle in to the cage of hardware, make it to the throne only after nearly falling over the cables slopped over the stage like black spaghetti. Big black electric udon, and is it the amps or the guitars who eat the noodles?

Before I know it Kabir has done his intro banter and my body knows it’s time to start the set, and it’s my responsibility as drummer to count off the first song and luckily we practice plenty and so my body knows just what to do and we’re playing and it’s smooth and tight and I let myself loosen up and I head bang and make faces and bounce all around. I know I don’t need to but I think the crowd likes it and I know the band likes it and as long as I don’t get too carried away and forget where we are in the song then it’s a great way to drum as so fun and exhilarating for me. I’m not so nervous like I was last tour. The set is smooth, over before I know it. I pack up quick and try to be courteous by coming back on the stage to ask Kabir if I can help him break down and I carry his combo off stage and get some water. The set was 20 minutes and my shirt is soaked with sweat, it’s a little gross but I feel proud like I have proof I worked hard for my band and the crowd.

I go back to check out the headliner, Yawpers, mostly to be polite and not at all because I am interested in hearing them play. I catch up with my friend from Carrboro before it gets too loud to talk, he tells me about when he was in his early 20s trying to teach his daughter to potty train and not doing a good job because he didn’t understand, anatomically and ergonomically, how exactly girls peeing worked. I like hearing about the story and when the band cuts the conversation short it feels like a mercy because I don’t have to respond or find a way out of the conversation. I wish that I didn’t treat conversations like a trap. I want to not be scheming for a way out of connecting with people. It’s something I can work on improving. I bounce around to the headliner, they sound like Led Zeppelin I guess, no bass at all, cool effects on the vocals modulated by a hdand-operates effectsbpedal mounted on the mic stand. After ~2.5 songs I slip into the back room where he Tetris cab is, pull up a stool, feed the machine 3 quarters and settle in. I push earplugs in and wipe sweat from my palms onto my jeans. I feel really really happy. I love playing Tetris so much. I forbade it for the most part in the last two years, one of dozens of activities I associate with a less stable past, a throwaway activity in a life where nowadays I believe my time is valuable, where I avoid ‘wasting’ time, which is the only way I used to spend my time. It is silly and pointless to play Tetris and I am the best at, here and now. I’m in the zone, my mind feels sharp, the joystick is responsive, I shake off the rust and I am knocking pieces around and finessing rotations in a groove, in the pocket, rhythmic and precise ad drumming, plus with visual proof. I lose track of time! That never happens lately anymore it seems like. Out of the corner of my eye I see Jeremy has trickled in and is spectating from a respectful distance. I love this, I love showing a small audience my curious pointless skill, I play harder and focus and do well. I get out of tight jams with ease. My play is a silk tightrope, or like watching a diligent curling pushbroom operator and the stone slides just exactly right into place. And I do that over and over and when I see my score surpass the high score I point to the score on the screen and later I find out Jeremy captured this on his phone and that makes me feel special and talented and seen.

I finally die but only after I’ve beaten the old high score by 100,000 points, a solid and respectable showing of ~488,000 over 3 credits and about an hour of play. I’ve gotten more than a million points on this same cabinet at the Quarter Horse in Durham but it took more than Han two hours and closer to $5 in quarters if I remember right. I get off the stool and Kabir is losing his mind in that warm exited way he does over my play, tells me I’m incredible, he kept thinking I would die and I kept not dying. This reminds me of how I felt about myself almost exactly two years ago. I feel happy and healthy and hale and held and whole, Kabir gives me dap and somehow Yawpers has not finished yet. There’s a weirdly long spoken word soliloquy from the frontman about his cocaine habit, ex wife, their divorce, some other stuff. Evidently this band had a write up in Pitchfork describing their sound as ‘an expansive vision of Rock.’ Expansive is the watchword as their set tips the scales at about 75 minutes and mercifully ends. I get to introduce my friend from Carrboro to Kabir and watch them connect which is lovely.

We get our cut of door plus extra plus we sold merch so we leave in the black which to me is a shock bc im used to playing show costing money. Our band is good and people really liked it and danced and came up to us after and gave what get to me like sincere earnest praise.

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dearsadgoat · 6 years

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recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

#text post #dear sad goat

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chmpn-remix · 6 years

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Okay I’m gonna do that end of the year meme now because I’m surprisingly bored

First things first, did you have a good year? ~ it’s been weird. Honestly speaking it’s been good. I did so much travelling compared to the other 22 years of my life. But I also lost friends and things were shifting quite a bit in that department (mostly for online friends) and that part was meh

How old did you turn this year? ~ 23

Do you feel your age? ~ both yes and no. This year /was/ the year of finally feeling like I’m going somewhere, career wise. and I think it’s more accepting the fact that it’s okay not to feel like an adult yet even though I am

Did your appearance change in anyway? ~ ooh! I started stretching my ears in January and now they’re at 0g! I dyed hair and went through colors I’ve used before so that’s not super new

Post your favorite selfie. ~ it’s not on my laptop so maybe I’ll post it later

If you traveled, where did you go? ~ on March @notpassingfascination drove us to Boise, ID to see panic at the disco!! and then at the end of June I went to Calgary for Otafest

Which fashion trends did you love? ~ none for this year really, though I updated my wardrobe to include office casual stuff ahaha

Which fashion trends did you hate? ~ none that I can remember immediately

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible? ~ my fuckin space pants!! tho im fairly sure I didn’t buy it this year I think? maybe??

What song sums up this year for you? ~ What’s My Age by Blink-182 hahahahahahhaHAHAH

What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then? ~ oh man After Laughter definitely

What was your favorite movie of the year? ~ Guardians of the Galaxy volume 2!!!! also wonderwoman

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year? ~ nope but for bands it’s Waterparks and Set It Off

Favorite new TV show? ~ none that are new, but the main ones for this year are Game of Thrones and Stranger Things

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears? ~ uhhh tbh I’ve been all over the place but I’m still in the top fandom. In mostly correct order I’ve gotten into Set It Off, Halsey’s new album, Paramore’s After Laughter and also their self titled album, Voltron, GoT, Stranger Things, Waterparks and rn I’m really into Doki Doki Literature Club and kinda watching let’s players play games?

What food did you try for the first time? ~ nothing I can think of tbh

Did you make any big permanent changes this year? ~ not really, but I think I’m getting new glasses before the year is over

What was one nice thing you did for someone else? ~ this year I decided to buy my friends christmas gifts!

What was one nice thing you did for yourself? ~ set tasks/goals that are more achievable and changed my mentality a bit about getting work done. it’s getting a lil better or at least I’m feeling a lil better about it

Did you develop a new obsession? ~ nothing that was as big as twenty one pilots was in 2015 ahaha. I did have a long phase where I listened to Paramore’s self-titled almost every day

Did you vote? ~ yes!

Did you move? ~ nope

Did you get a job? ~ yes! tbh I’ve worked at like 3 places this year woah

Did you get a pet? ~ yes! I’m taking care of my boyfriend’s cat Luna (who is kinda also partly my cat)

Do you regret not doing anything? ~ buddy I have a constant feeling that I’m not doing enough s o

Do you regret doing something? ~ deleting that friend off snapchat ahahah that was honestly an accident but oh fuckin well

Have you done anything that scared you? ~ taking on new responsiblities at work

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days? ~ I have a family friend who is a 14 y/o foster kid and he’s always getting into trouble. At least once a month he’ll tell me something worrying and it’ll make me mad but also frustrated and worried and everything else

Did you lose anyone close to you? ~ not in the death sense no

Did you fall in love? ~ with beb, always!! I also recently fell in love with 21 Questions by Waterparks ;D along with Paramore’s last two albums and the album Duality by Set It Off

Did you fall out of love? ~ platonic love yeah. it’s getting a lil better

Did you start a new relationship? ~ only platonic relationships m’dude

Did you go through a break up? ~ ONLY PLATONIC BREAKUPS M’DUDE

Did you have to cut ties to someone? ~ I already answered this

Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year? ~ b!! they are precious. Also Allie! she is a positive vibe in my life

Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year? ~ One Person *looks straight into the camera*

If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it? ~ yes I would’ve approached Reeve Carn*y and asked for an autograph ahaha

What was the best moment of the year for you? ~ almost straight up bawling right after PATD performed Nine in the Afternoon

What was the worst? ~ teaching this one class of two students and I was just...not on the ball that day the lead teacher was observing and I was so fuckin nervous and it was an absolute mess. that was the worst moment but the worse thing happening this year happened really slowly over time so

Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t? ~ ngl these past 2 years are just me thinking about when I was 12 and thinking “yeah 20+ y/o me will have it figured out all the future adult stuff is her problem!” and here I am realizing I’m still that 12 year old and struggling to deal with so many things. i dont think i answered the question but tbh I’m p sure getting a job and being in grad school would Change me but not really? I’m still me but maybe a tiny bit better?

Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did? ~ I wasn’t expecting to go into therapy this year and it change me more than I expected it to and I’m really glad

What are you most proud of accomplishing? ~ being a sub teacher! It’s an important step to being a real teacher!!

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior? ~ that I am still a petty lil shit that can’t let go (though this was for good reason tho)

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better? ~ not really?

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse? ~ meh

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year? ~ haha no

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year? ~ I don’t really make resolutions bc i know I won’t keep them ahah

If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do? Who would you go with? ~ ngl anywhere in a car with either Randi or beb would be an adventure to me

What do you wish for others for the coming year? ~ define others because I can’t think of a blanket wish for Everyone

What do you wish for yourself? ~ to move the fuck on and also actually like...be in the moment? I did so many adult things but I feel like I’m just going through the motions...idk I also wish I’ll be able to handle more responsibility

#this is a post #bleh I feel fuzzy #my memory is shit

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sunflowermochi · 7 years

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“How can a lamb fell in love with a lion” || Jikook One-shot || t.a

He sits there again looking at the departing sun with a cigarette dangling in between his fingers. "yo" you started off as you walked closer. "here again, huh." a giggle and like the other days there's no response. so you just stared at him as he take the cigarette to his mouth and inhale the killer. you tried to stop him though but he didn't. you sighed, averting your sight to the horizon. "it's beautiful isn't it? it's been a very long day. are you hungry?" you tried your best to talk to him but still no answer. so you emptied those airbags again and just played with your pen. it's been months since you swore to help him, since you swore to always stay by his side. you thought it'll be a give and take relationship since he was this cheerful person when you first met him but you got the opposite. it's only you but instead of getting tired of his constant behavior, you decided to stay by his side because it's the only thing that you can do. that is what you always think to stay by his side no matter what happens because once upon a time you saw him smile and you want to see that again and keep that smile forever. "why are you here? i told you to stop doing this" his cold voice pierces to your ears. you looked at him but he's not looking. he continued to inhale the nicotine in between his lips and blew the death that was already pregnant inside him. "because you're my friend." you said and finally he looked at you "how can a lamb fell in love with a lion?" and it left you speechless. 'in love' of course you are in love with him. deeply and madly in love. yes he kept on pushing you away but it will not work, you swore under his tears one night. not in this lifetime, you said because once upon a time, he said he likes you and you're keeping that though you won't have the love that you're giving but because he said those words, because he makes your heart feel this way, because he makes you undeniably crazy, you won't let him go because you know deep inside, he likes you. "i....i don't know. must be cupid's little game" you answered as he threw the cigarette and stood up. it's always like this. he'll leave you behind the dark rooftop with only his thrown cigarette with you and you'll sigh for the last time before following him. "jungkook-ah!" you put your arms around his shoulders as both of you go down the stairs. "ramen or pasta? or meat?" you asked playfully "anything." he answered and both of you headed to your favorite food stand near the university. he is not eating well this days. so you said that you'll take care of him. you talked to the ahjumma and ordered a lot of food but he's still not talking. "thank you" a pause, what happened yesterday night? you thought but you set that aside and smiled. you always try to smile at him in hopes that he'll smile back but its been months since you last saw him smile "how was the practical today?" you started the conversation again "fine" he answered. sometimes you find it hard to have a conversation with him especially when he's having those 'nights' but you still try. "ahh. i didn't made it" a laugh "too many things to memorize" and he looked at you with those cold and bloodshot eyes "are you even studying?" finally, you said to yourself and you smiled shyly trying to hide the light red blush on your face "of course but i forget things too easily" you explained and he just stared at you "you're crazy" he mouthed and you just laugh. his small words make your heart beat so fast how can you let him go? how can you let your only happiness go? the food finally arrived and his big doe eyes become bigger. he's very cute but you also worry because he's not eating properly if you can only move into his house or better yet just live with him alone, so you can protect him, so you can take care of him, but you can't. "let's eat" you said and he started to gulp down the food in front of him. it makes you happy but at the same time, it makes you sad. "if only." you thought to yourself. after eating, both of you walked home. his house is far from yours but he’ll always walk with you. you don't know if he really wants to or he's just forced because he doesn't want to go home yet. silence. nothing but silence. "did something happened last night?" you're itching to ask, you thought about certain things as you walk with him and you didn't realize that you're in front of your house until you bump into him. you looked at him and he was just looking at your house "what's the matter?" you asked "can i stay here for tonight?"

so here you are, at your room. he was sitting on the chair near the window. his hands on his pockets. his eyes on the moon and you just looked at him. it's the first time that he asked for something like this and it made you worry more. you bit your lips in hesitation as he exhaled. he then looked at you "aren't you tired?" he said, the moon light hitting his face perfectly "uhm...no....no im ok" you stuttered "ok." he said as he avert his attention to the moon again. and you want to know what's the reason, so badly that it caused you to sweat cold crystals, so badly that it made your hands shudder. you want to know it badly so you stood up "jungkook-ah" you started "why?" he answered without looking at you, still "why---why are you here? what happened?" and the words just came out in the pace of a waterfall current. he rotated the chair and looked at you, he sighed before taking his jacket off and rolling up his sleeves and there it lies, shallow and deep cuts, from his olecranon region up to his carpal. you looked at him "why?" is the only thing that you said. "i wasn't able to help it. i need to release it" he said "what happened?" you asked while holding onto his arms gently, he looked at your hands on his forearm and looked at you after "it's over now" and theres something about his voice that gave you terror.

it then came back, the moment when you witnessed it----

it was late at night and you decided to visit him since you visited your relative there. everyone's shouting so you hurried and there he was with his little sister on the floor. blood's covering his sister's lower limbs, her face covered with bruises. he tightly held his sister on his arms as he pointed a knife to his uncle. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU IF YOU EVER TOUCH HER AGAIN!!!!! I SWEAR!!" and you just stood there, stiff and dumbfounded

the second one is the night where he cried and he cut in front of you "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. IT'S FUCKING UNBEARABLE. MY SISTER DID NOTHING WRONG WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE ME?!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???!!" and then he gave you the blade and asked you to just kill him and take care of his sister. you remembered everything and the most recent one is when he got raped by his own uncle and he called you to drink with him, that was the second time that he cried in front of you, his sister sleeping on your car, he asked you to kill him again and he vent out all his emotions and then "I SWEAR IF I HAD THE CHANCE I'LL KILL HIM"

you looked at him "wha---what's over?" he turned his back at you and said "i killed him"

#jikook #bts #jimin #jungkook #oneshot #fanfic #Original composition

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skiasurveys · 6 years

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1. When did you both get together? we started to flirt/hang out around april 2016, we officially started dating in may 2016 though.

2. Who made the first move? he did

3. How long have you been a couple? its been 2 years and 2 months

4. How did you first meet? online dating app

5. Were you already close friends before going out as a couple? not rly, we tried to date before and that lasted for a week..didnt talk for a while. when we got back into contact around end of the march of 2016 we kinda were “friends” but not rly.

6. Are you/Were you ever in the same class at school? no

7. Are you long-distance? nope

8. Are you in an open, regular or committed relationship? committed

9. Do you live together? we did for a bit. not anymore. were planning on finding our own place soon though now that we both have jobs

10. Are you engaged? If yes, describe your proposal. If no, what ring would you like? yeah we got engaged in feb. basically connor wanted this TV he found on kijiji and we went to go get it. it was in a town that was 40 mins away, anyways on the way back we pulls over on the side of the road and im like wtf and then he got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. it took me by surprised, bc i wasnt expecting it obvs and i didnt think he would ever ask me tbh bc he said he didnt like the idea of marriage.

11. Are you married? If yes, describe your wedding. If no, would you consider marriage? ^ yeah

12. Which one of you is older? What is the age difference? he is by 6.5 yrs

13. Which one of you is taller? What is the height difference? he is by a foot

14. Do you share any of the same hobbies/interests/passions? yeah we like the same movies, tv shows, video games

15. What fictional couples would you compare yourselves to? idk lol

16. Sum up your relationship in 6 words or less. were comfortable and happy

17. Doodle a little picture of you both as a couple. no

18. Describe your relationship using only emoticons. :3

19. Share a cute photo of you both together. check my instagram @ wolfkhid

ATTRACTION

20. Top 5 fav things about your partner. he is funny, handsome, tall, he understands me,hes smart

21. Your partner’s top 5 fav things about you. ask him

22. What physical traits do you find most attractive about your partner? his face and his arms/hands. mmm

23. What physical traits does your partner find most attractive about you? he likes that im small, he likes my body shape (short stacked)

24. What personality traits do you find most attractive about your partner? he is funny, he tells me the truth, hes honest

25. What personality traits does your partner find most attractive about you? he likes that im caring and that im funny

26. Do you hold hands in public? Any other public displays of affection? we do sometimes. he doesnt like pda too much. he’ll smack my ass tho lol

27. List your top 3 turn-ons about your partner. he is tall, his domiance, and hes funny

28. List your partner’s top 3 turn-ons about you. im small, my ass and im submissive

29. How would you seduce your partner? How would they seduce you? food obviously.

30. Innocently or not, where do you like your partner to touch you? my thighs or sides

31. Describe your partner’s eyes. Amber brown and round. theyre really nice. im not poetic 32. Describe your partner’s hair. dark brown, short and messy lol

33. Describe your partner’s smile. happiness

34. What is your partner’s voice like? deep and nice

35. What is your partner’s scent like? idk how to explain it

36. How does your partner impress you? How do you impress them? harfcore eating skills

37. What outfit would you like to see your partner in? What would they like to see you wear? he likes me in short skirts and thigh high socks. i honestly dont care what he wears as long as its nice. he looks good in skinnyish jeans

38. Show your fav picture of your partner that they’ve posted online. not sure if he would be okay with that LOL

ROMANCE 39. Do you have cute pet names for each other? yeah

40. What’s one of your favourite memories as a couple? theres so many

41. Describe your favourite date so far? when we played super smash bros at the college

42. What’s the sweetest thing that your partner’s ever done for you? paid off my credit card bill. made me a really nice salad, etc

43. Do either of you get jealous? i do lol cus im insecure. he doesnt unless he does and i just dont know

44. Is one of you protective of the other? we both are

45. How do you both like to kiss? passionate

46. How do you both like to cuddle? all tangled up

47. What’s a gift that you’ve given to your partner? And one they’ve given to you? i got him some nice cologne and he gave me some money to pay off my card, and also he got me a nice ring

48. Are you an openly mushy couple or a reserved couple? reserved honestly

49. Does one of you like to cook for the other? we both do

50. Do you have unique ringtones/images for each other on your phones? not unique

51. Have you ever had your initials written on a tree or in the sand? haha no

52. What’s “your song”? i cant help falling in love with you

53. Do you own any items that are a special symbol of your relationship? sure

54. What did you both do for Valentine’s Day? he proposed to me :D

55. Do you express your love lavishly or discreetly? both?

56. What’s the funniest thing you can remember your partner doing? theres a lot..lol he pretended to be a snake

57. Does thinking about your partner still give you butterflies? kinda

58. What’s the weirdest part of your relationship? everything hahah

BEING TOGETHER 59. Fav things to do together on a rainy day? playing WoW together, or watching movies, or going to get Thai food!

60. Fav things to do together on a sunny day? Same thing, go for walks maybe bike ride.

61. Got any plans together for next week? not really. hes going biking with his friends and im working lol but ill prob spend the night on Saturday

62. What’s your favourite thing to share together? Food

63. What did you do for your partner’s latest birthday? What did they do for yours? nothing for him, he doesnt like birthday parties so we didnt do anything, but i bought him a present. He gave me some money, and we hung out, except he worked that night so we couldnt do much.

64. Where would you like to go on holiday together? maybe Disneyland

65. You have a whole weekend to yourselves and 500 in cash- what do you do? maybe we go to Banff and have a nice stay there

66. How would you comfort your partner on a bad day? How would they comfort you? I would make him a nice meal maybe or rub his back. I would tell him everything is OK. It depends on whats bothering him. For me he would hold me and watch movies with me and kiss me.

67. Where would you both get takeout together? thai place downtown i forget the name

68. What’s the longest time you’ve been apart? About 1 month and 1 week, he went to Prince George to see his Dad and some family.

69. What things remind you of your partner? What things remind them of you? Pokemon honestly lol and idk honestly. maybe nuggets

70. Has your relationship changed at all since it first started? well yeah! we are more closer, i feel like i can be myself.

71. Have you ever worked on a project together? kinda. not rly.

72. Have you both influenced each other in any way? sure

73. Have either of you made sacrifices for this relationship? yes. Connor literally slept behind a couch for like 7 months because he wanted to stay in RD and didnt want to leave me, and he didnt have a place. (he couldnt stay with me b/c my family is really conservative and we couldnt afford a place together). He honestly is so wonderful. He now has a place

74. Has you discovered anything surprising about your partner? yes.

75. How have you both made a positive impact on each other’s lives? i would hope so.

76. What do you both mutually agree is the most important part of your relationship? honesty, conversation/communication, loyalty.

EVERYDAY LIFE 77. What are the everyday things you both do to show you care about each other? being there for each other, talking, etc.

78. Do you follow each other’s blogs/twitter/instagram? yes but he doesnt have IG or Twitter, but i follow him on other stuff

79. Is there a favourite place that you both frequently go to together? not really.

80. What TV shows do you like to watch together? theres too many to name honestly.

81. How do you relax together? chilling and netflix

82. What sleep positions do you tend to sleep together in? spooning usually, or tangled up. depends on how hot it is though

83. Do you borrow each other’s clothes or other items? not so much clothes but items yes

84. Do you ever share the bathroom together? yeah

85. How do you both keep in touch when you’re away from each other? texting

86. Do you share secrets between each other? yes

87. Do you rotate house chores or do you each have assigned chore duties? well we dont live together but i help him clean his place if he needs help. But if we were to live together we would rotate it.

88. Do you remember how your partner takes their coffee/tea/bar drinks? he doesnt like coffee or tea and doesnt drink so much

89. What does your partner think of your Tumblr? nothing?? i guess?? he doesnt rly care he doesnt check on it

90. What characters do you play as together when playing multiplayer games? we do a lot of rpg games

COMPATABILITY 91. Are you both introverted/extroverted or opposites? hes more intro than me, but im like a mix/

92. Who is the more dominant/submissive one? hes the dom for sure

93. What are some major differences between you both? he is more messy, and chill/care free than me.

94. When are you both “in your element” together? what

95. Who would win in an arm-wrestling contest? him obvs

96. What are each of your zodiac signs and how do they compare? he is a Taurus and im Sagittarius . and idk b/c i dont read up on that shit

97. What are each of your MBTI types and how do they compare? omg idk what his is! im an isfj

98. What are each of your Hogwarts houses and how do they compare? n/a

99. If you were both in a dating sim, what character tropes would each of you be? idk

100. If you were both animals what would you be? Would you be the same animal? he would be a cat, id be a raccoon obvs

101. How does your partner’s wardrobe differ from yours? he is more laid back, just jeans and tshirts, or sweat pants. I wear a lot of nice shirts, skinny jeans/ leggings and buisness casual if i have too

102. Have you ever both said something at the exact same time? yea

103. Rate your relationship on a scale of basic vanilla (1) to extremely kinky (10) um like maybe a 7

104. Mix your fav colour with your partner’s fav colour- what is the result? Magenta

105. If you were both ingredients, what would each of you be and what would be the resulting recipe? (e.g. PB & jelly sandwich) ummm lol idk

106. Which of you would win in a Pokemon battle? Assign yourself and your partner a fitting Pokemon type (e.g. water, grass, poison etc). Are either of you super effective against the other? he obvs cus he knows more about POkemon lol

CONFLICT 107. What happens when you argue with each other? How do you both make up? we stay silent for a bit or we talk it out.

108. What’s something that your partner does that annoys you? How do you annoy them? he doesnt text back all the time -_- and i probably annoy him with my constant questions or reassurance

109. What are some imperfections that you love about your partner? he is a derp

110. What are some imperfections that your partner loves about you?

111. Has your partner ever accidentally hurt you? Have you accidentally hurt them? i have scratched him by accident, and he has bruised me while wrestling lol

112. Is there anything about you that your partner just doesn’t understand? yeah my mental illnes

113. Is there anything about your partner that you just don’t understand? why does every little thing make him mad lol

114. When was the last time you cried about your relationship and why? idk

115. What is something you love that your partner hates? im not sure honestly.

116. What is something you hate that your partner loves? anime

117. When was the last time you had to apologise to your partner and why? when i got mad at him and was being a smart ass

118. Do either of you get too clingy? both of us but me abit more

119. Do you have any insecurities about your relationship? yep.

120. When was a time that your relationship was put to the test? never?

121. What would your partner have to do to make you end the relationship? cheat on me honestly, or just start changing completely.

RELATIONS 122. Does your family approve of your relationship? yes

123. What do your friends think of your relationship? they like him

124. How do you both act together around others as opposed to when you’re alone together? when we are around others we can tease eachother and just be together but when were alone were more open, flirt more, etc

125. How did you first reveal to people that you were going out? told them..and also facebook

126. Do you think you and your partner look similar to each other? lol not really..i mean we both have dark eyes and hair, but i dont think we look anything a like. He has some turkish in him too so theres that lol im just a white bitch

127. How does your partner treat you special compared to everyone else in their life? he opens up to me, tells me his deep secrets, teases me, etc

128. Do you both have a mutual friend group, or only separate friendship groups? both, but his friends dont rly see my friends that much haha

129. What’s a common misconception about your relationship? earlier it was that he was too old for me. idk what ppl think anymore

130. Has your relationship affected any of your relations with others? i dont think so.

131. Has anyone tried to sabotage your relationship? yep

132. Quote something somebody has said about your relationship. “you guys are so cute together!! couple goals”

133. Quote something somebody has said about your partner. “he’s glad your dad is dead” - some cunt LOL

FUTURE 134. What do you hope for the future of your relationship? that we can live in a nice home and be happy lol

135. If you both got married, what would you want your wedding to be like? intimate and small.

136. Can you imagine what your ideal home would look like? something simple.

137. Do you have kids/want to have kids? What would they be like? we both dont want kids.

138. If you could do anything for your partner what would you do? make him happy

139. Do you think you’ll still be together when you’re old and wrinkly? i hope so, i believe so

140. Got any relationship advice? just the basic , dont be with someone all b/c youre lonely.

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callsmelovely · 7 years

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my goodbye letter to these two years

hi,

i remember the first time that i met you. it was at the hike. i saw you from afar and thought you were cute. we sat down across from each other at the picnic table and introduced ourselves to one another.

from then on, my attention was always transfixed on you. i know the leaders and others could probably tell; it was so painfully obvious how infatuated i was with you. but i tried poker-facing it, and you never acknowledged it, so i guess we’re okay.

one month into school, i moved into your dorm hall. since moving in, i started walking back with you after church. because i lived on the fourth floor, i would’ve taken the elevator. but since you take the stairs to the second floor, i decided to go with you just so i can get an extra ten seconds with you. i ended up taking the stairs for the rest of the year just so i could encounter you by chance.

our interactions had always been short. i tried so hard to converse with you because i wanted to get to know you more. your personality and interests didn’t quite fit with mine, but i nonetheless wanted to get closer to you.

you wished me happy birthday on my 19th birthday. i was so happy. we barely interacted then, and it was the first time you really spoke with me.

when winter break started, i was sad because i wouldn’t see you for three weeks. i missed you, and i began to want you. i almost went to shanghai during new years, but the plans fell through. nonetheless, i wished you a happy new year. you wished me a happy new year. i ended 2015 and started 2016 with the thought of you.

after winter break, you came back with some card games. you taught me how to play nerts. we played a few times at our dorm with 1-2 others. one time, the other person cancelled, and you wanted to cancel as well. i complained that you would do that, so you relented and played one-on-one cards with me.

around the springtime, you had a sore throat. i went out of my way to buy you honey and tea leaves. as i walked to your door, i took a deep breath, nervous but excited to see you. you didn’t answer, so i tied the bag around your doorknob and left.

i applied to an intensive study abroad program. since the first semester was in the city where you grew up, i could ask you questions about it. however, i was reserved about going, because it would cut short the time i had with you. i thought that, if i ever had a chance with you, that it would be lost completely if i went abroad.

towards the end of the semester, our church had a carnival. i teamed up with you to consolidate our tickets. we worked together, we hung out together. i felt so much joy just through spending that time with you.

our fellowship also took us to an amusement park. i ignored you for the most part — too nervous to engage in conversation and too timid to reveal my interest. we sat next to each other on two rides: a spinning ride and a 360 rotational ride. on the latter, i sat next to you, but thought that i was sitting too close to you. i didn’t want to make things obvious or awkward, so i scooted away to give you space. you laughed, asking “you don’t want to sit next to me?” but truth is, i really, really wanted to sit next to you. i was just too shy to do so or admit it.

summer break happened. i didn’t see you for months, and the feelings faded. i thought i had naturally gotten over you. however, i got close to a mutual friend of ours and she gave me hope that you liked me too. i started wondering if things could change.

our squad planned a trip in korea. you were supposed to go, but you had visa problems. i was disappointed that you couldn’t go. throughout the trip, our group got closer. we talked about a lot of things, and i eventually revealed that i had feelings for you. it didn’t come to a surprise to one person, but he also mentioned that he thought you felt the same way toward me too.

armed with the hope from these two friends, i went back to school, curious to see if what they said could be true. seeing you for the first time in months reawakened the feelings i thought i had lost. as you detailed your mission trip, i thought about how God was working in you, and if He could be so kind to let me be with someone like you.

at our church’s annual hike, someone commented that they assumed i was in your year because we were “always together”. they meant it in a platonic way, but i couldn’t help but think that our closeness could mean something more.

we had a mutual class. we sat next to each other during lecture, and always grabbed lunch afterwards. i got to know you more through those conversations, but i also got irritated when you would go on your phone or look at other things during our conversation. i started developing a self-hatred of my lack of intelligence and incoherence. i didn’t feel loved or beautiful, and i beat myself up after every interaction with you. i knew you didn’t like me as more than a friend, but i still clung onto those feelings.

the church leaders had us kidsit, and sometimes i would be paired with you. i wasn’t particularly interested in children, but i wanted to grow and learn to love them. i also wanted to spend more time with you, even if it was just a few minutes on the car rides to church. as i watched you care for the children, i often thought if i would be lucky enough to have that in my future.

that september, our conversations with our friends made me realize that i wasn’t what you were looking for in a girl. our conversations were short, our interests were different, and we easily got bored with each other. i prayed to God about it, and He revealed that you weren’t the right one for me. my heart was crushed. i had hoped that you had underlying feelings for me, so i went back and liked you again. but you didn’t feel that way.

for my 20th birthday, you wrote a card for me. you mentioned that you remembered the honey and tea. your tone was very platonic, but i still wondered if you had feelings for me.

soon it was winter break. you came to taiwan with me and another friend. you two planned separate dates, and i ended up spending three days with you. i took you around, and found that the time was too much — we had lots of silences, and you seemed bored a lot of the times. the real kicker was this: we lived in the same apartment for the entire time. i didn’t think too much into it, but i still stared at the two pairs of shoes at the front door and felt like we were playing house. you left after a few days, and i sent you off to the airport. i knew i would miss you, but i tried telling myself not to.

i went off to study abroad. my feelings had faded away by then. the first church i went to was yours, and i did enjoy it enough to return and stay there. i saw your family — i didn’t mean to intrude into that part of your life, but it just naturally happened. you came back after school ended at our university. we met a few times and church and once outside. we talked a bit, but our conversations were the same — they ended quickly and awkwardly. i was reminded again of how incompatible we were, and how easily bored we were of each other. you left shanghai after a few weeks, and you didn’t say goodbye.

summer passed. now it’s the fall semester; your last semester here. i had let go of the feelings, but they came back when i saw you. except this time it wasn’t infatuation; it was care, a longing to protect and care for you. you had your own plans and path to take, and it was divergent from mine. i wanted more time with you, and i didn’t want to let this go. i wanted to tell you, to ask you if you ever had an ounce of feelings toward me in the two years that we’ve known each other. a friend advised against that; he said you never mentioned liking anyone at our church, that this confrontation would have been a suicide mission. i decided that i needed to let you go; truly, really, completely let you go.

our story will end in 2.5 months. spending time with you reminds me of how much i liked you, wanted you, and missed you. i may have rose-colored glasses on that i ignore your faults and the reasons why we wouldn’t work out, but i may have also chosen to accept you in your ways. and i think that is the closest i’ve ever been to…to…love. but i won’t call this love, because i don’t know what it is and if i can even call this that. because every time i was disappointed or let down by you/the fact that you didn’t like me, i was not overly sad because i expected the truth. all this time, i knew the truth, but it’s hope and wishful thinking that’s keeping me here.

at this point, it’s all out of habit. i still default to ignoring you whilst being hyperaware of your actions, words, and presence. i think my feelings have vanished. i’ve accepted that we will never be more than friends.

but i find that i still come back. that i still yearn to be with you. you are the one who i find difficult to accept God’s “no”.

i need to be reminded that there’s better things now and in the future. you just didn’t happen to be a part of that.

so please, give me some time. time to release you from my wants and hopes.

thank you for our friendship. thank you for your grace. thank you for the knowledge and lessons you’ve taught me on politics, the world, life, and even…love.

i have to let you go now. “good bye”, and maybe if im lucky enough, “see ya”.

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