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seyaryminamoto · 2 months

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Azula's most overlooked characterization element

Why, hello there.

It is I.

And I'm back on my bullshit.

I didn't WANT to be. But a bunch of factors pulled me back in.

For the record: I'm not here to start any fights or light the fuse of arguments that I most likely won't have time or interest in responding to. What I AM here for... is to prove that there's something out there a bunch of people are delighted to sleep on because acknowledging it would render maaaany simplistic interpretations entirely invalid...

That group of people includes the fandom, of course. And the original show's staff. And the liveaction's staff, to a fault. Surely the TTRPG ones too. And absolutely, the comic book writers.

Hell, I'll even include MYSELF in that group, even though I'm making this post right now.

I found it really curious that I very recently saw this element mentioned in a pretty neat blog I follow, @atla-lore-archive, I absolutely advise anyone who hasn't checked out said archive to do it if you wish to understand a lot of the "extra lore" the fandom had access to, back in the old days when the turbonick ATLA site still existed and used to be the only source of deeper knowledge about the fandom besides the occasional interview that most people didn't even know where to track down.

But the funny thing is that the post I'm talking about proved that even Turbonick forgot about the people this post is about :')

And that would beeeeeeee...

*cue drumroll*

Lo and Li!

What makes Lo and Li an important subject to discuss?

Why, a lot of things. Among them, the fact that almost nobody brings them into the core focus of any analysis made about Azula's character. I've personally mentioned them once or twice I believe, mostly as negatives, there's but ONE positive aspect I've ever found of them: them being non-benders MIGHT be a reason why Azula isn't shown as being quite so obsessive with firebending supremacy as Zuko was supposed to be.

But that's very much the sole good thing I can think to say about them and it's completely subjective, as good as a headcanon, because we don't even KNOW if they influenced Azula in that sense!

Why do they seem to get overlooked quite as much? Why... let's start thinking about it, shall we?

Lo and Li are Azula's firebending teachers. As far as anyone can tell, they're also her advisors. These two people should be an essential part of Azula's life... but ironically, we seldom see them with her. Most times, Azula isn't around these two. Whenever she is? It doesn't usually look like she's having a good time.

And that's no surprise, considering her first scene with those two very much puts forward a dynamic of cold distance between Azula and her mentors: Azula is bending LIGHTNING. We have not heard of other lightningbenders until that point, and once the full show wraps up, there's only THREE (Azula, Ozai, Iroh). Out of those three? Only one is a fourteen-year-old girl. It's very easy to assume Azula's lightning is actually a skill she mastered unusually early in life, perhaps relatively recently, hence the practicing... but she's pulling it off. She's succeeding. She's doing something that genuinely catches a first-time viewer off-guard!

And Lo and Li's entire opinion of what she did is: "Almost perfect. One hair out of place."

This tells you the Fire Nation's idea of "imperfection" is... insane. Strict. Imposing. Unyielding. Unforgiving. Azula's reaction isn't to get angry at Lo and Li for saying what they did: it's to get angry at herself and try again.

But... that's not the only instance where we see Azula getting angry around Lo and Li.

The next few times Azula is around them, she doesn't seem to have much of an emotional reaction (one is when they tell her to find other allies, the other when they herald her as a great hero who returned home from Ba Sing Se). In the second of these scenes, Lo and Li are praising Azula as incredible, beautiful, all sorts of grand things...! And Azula smiles. She smiles at the crowd. She's not smiling at the old ladies who are praising her... she's mostly just happy to know her people are welcoming her as a hero indeed! Most the fandom would go "true! what an ungrateful bitch! She should've been happy that Lo and Li complimented her that way!!" Me? I wouldn't say that at all. Not just because I love Azula to pieces? But because the only information we have of Azula's dynamics with these two... doesn't seem compatible with the idea that what Lo and Li are saying here is for AZULA'S benefit.

Anyone who's had a hypocritical parent/caretaker/teacher must have endured awkward, horrible, unpleasant moments where this adult figure treats you like shit in private but in public holds you as this grand example, and a perfect child, and they never seem to stop saying they're soooo proud of you even though you NEVER felt that what they're saying is true. Maybe the first few times, you're naive enough to believe it. By the tenth time of incongruent messages? You start to realize they're talking you up as a way to make themselves look better. They're trying to show they're doing their job at raising you/training you, be it whatever it may. The praises are not FOR you... they're for a third person to hear and think "Oh, this adult's so cool, saying nice things about this kid they're responsible for! Nice!"

... You're starting to get the picture now, I'm sure.

Lo and Li reappear in the Beach. Azula is notably chill, enjoying the ride, talking casually with Ty Lee, telling Zuko to lighten up and to stop taking Ozai's choices personally, right? She seems... content. Relaxed.

Then, everything changed when Lo and Li attacked.

We don't even see why Azula is making this face at first. But she does it AT ONCE when their ship reaches the dock.

Who is there indeed...?

The stars of our post! :') if it isn't our elderly twin ladies... who brought Azula to a very disappoting beach house. And when Azula sees the house in question, she makes THIS face.

Judge however you may... even Ty Lee is weirded out by the beach house, going by that expression. Zuko and Mai aren't impressed either. But Azula? The look on her face isn't merely disappointment if you ask me... part of it looks a bit like embarrassment too? This isn't at all what she was expecting when she arrived (she has her old beach house for standards, which makes this extra underwhelming, I'm sure). She counts on Lo and Li to provide them with a place to stay, it goes implicit... and then this is what they do. It most likely isn't what she promised the other three in terms of where they'd stay, hence, I'd dare say there's a component of embarrassment here.

Shortly afterwards, we have our well known scene with Azula being utterly unconcerned with Lo and Li's apparent wisdom to the point of yawning over it. This, too, tells you she's just not interested in whatever those two have to say or bring to the table. Then, they show up again at mealtime and I think Azula just ignores them the whole scene.

After this? Lo and Li vanish until the finale. And what do they do in the finale? Why... it's the first time anyone expresses a verbal concern over Azula's wellbeing! Ah! A sign that Lo and Li have SOME affection for Azula! This time, you pesky Azula fans, you CAN'T twist this into a bad thing! For sure!

... Can't we, tho? :')

What IS Azula's reaction to: "We are concerned for your wellbeing"?

"My father asked you to come here and talk to me, didn't he‌? He thinks I can't handle the responsibility of being Fire Lord. But I will be the greatest leader in Fire Nation history."

And here, my friends, is when we have finally hit the jackpot.

Lo and Li could have been Azula's Irohs. She could've had TWO of him! Then you'd say: "hey! Ozai is such a dick he let Azula have two elderly wise ladies guiding her but only gave one old wise dude to Zuko! Rude!" and it would be further proof of Ozai's favoritism of Azula, right?

... But actually?

Lo and Li are no such thing. Lo and Li aren't moral compasses for Azula in the least. Lo and Li are not beacons of wisdom that genuinely help her sort her way through life. Worth noting: THEY COULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN THAT WAY. They're not. They're not part of mysterious secret societies, they don't help Azula in any objective, significant, tangible way... there's very much nothing to say they EVER fulfilled the role Iroh did for Zuko. What role, then, were they fulfilling instead?

Why... I think we ought to listen to Azula, shouldn't we?

My take: Lo and Li are OZAI'S STAND-INS.

Someone's going to say "hey why would you assume that when Azula said this in the middle of a breakdown?? Surely she was just DELUSIONAL and PARANOID and ashdgkadhsgkjgh...!"

... Let me counter that one with a fun little analysis excercise:

WHY are Lo and Li Azula's firebending teachers and advisors?

The finale very directly tells us these two are not benders. We could've assumed they were! They're not: Azula's teachers are non-benders.

Has a single person out there ever asked themselves WHY this is the case?

How the hell is Azula, prodigy of the blue fire, epic lightning, cruel and powerful and precise and deadly bending... training under two elderly nonbenders?

Bringing this to a real-life example: do you remember what it was like when you were in P.E. classes and your teacher told you to spend 20 minutes jogging, and if you ever stopped you had to do 20 crunches and then get back to the jogging, and every time you stopped he'd tell you the same thing and you'd want that guy to vanish from the face of the planet? I don't know if that was only my experience, but I rather doubt it.

What did kids typically think/say when that happened?

"I wanna see that old fart doing the same shit he's making us do..."

It's a headcanon indeed to say that this is how Azula must have felt over Lo and Li, but it's VERY likely to be the case. But I'd dare say, in Azula's case, it's even worse because, to put it in another way? It's like taking programming lessons from someone who's never learned a programming language. They'll tell you you're getting things wrong without knowing how to help you get them right because they just DON'T KNOW what you're doing, and are outright INCAPABLE of what you're trying to achieve. They can't offer good guidance based on experience because they have ZERO experience on that subject! And yet they want PERFECTION from you! They expect it!

Lo and Li are these teachers for Azula. We only see them in one scene? And yet everything in the rest of the show suggests that they bring nothing important to the table for Azula, be it professionally, be it personally, be it emotionally... not in any aspect of life.

And this, if you ask me, is why the OG show barely ever brings them into scenes. Why the comics flat-out forgot they existed and even featured people like Sozin and Azulon in Azula's beach hallucinations but NOT the two ladies who looked after her and trained her. Why the live-action didn't even FEATURE them.

And us? The fandom? The fic writers?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I READ A FIC THAT HAD LO AND LI INVOLVED IN IT.

I'm not even saying as main characters, I don't even know if that exists, frankly: I mean as minor, or background characters. I have NOT seen those two be used in basically ANY fics I've read. I've scarcely used them in mine! In fact, I PURPOSEFULLY got rid of them early on in Gladiator because I didn't want them to sabotage and get in the way of Azula's progress as a character and I believed they'd do exactly that. They were an obstacle rather than anything useful, so I did away with them and then realized they could still occasionally serve some purpose in certain situations: I even had Azula visit them once and they were actually helpful! Fancy that! But... that's it. That's as far as I could go with them. I can't do MORE with those two because they're not characters one particularly feels compelled to work with.

And from what I've seen? That's the case for everyone.

So, I ask again:

WHY ARE THEY THERE?

WHAT IS THEIR ROLE?

WHAT IS THE POINT OF AZULA HAVING NON-BENDING TEACHERS?

Let's go further and further into logical thinking here, shall we?

Azula is a child. Fourteen years of age at the time she's introduced in the OG show.

Azula has no power over many things around her, particularly, her upbringing. That's in the hands of the adults around her. Her mother, up until she vanished, had some hand in it, then, it all falls to Ozai.

Ozai has been Azula's sole parental figure since Ursa left.

Ozai is the one who would reasonably call the shots regarding Azula's education, as all parents are wont to do... ESPECIALLY when he's a king with absolute power over his children.

... so, Lo and Li? Ozai either gave them the position as Azula's teachers personally, or someone else (Ursa) did, and Ozai either didn't WANT to remove them from the role (cue "Ozai being sentimental over Ursa" theories), or Ozai didn't give a flying fuck about who was training his daughter (cue "Ozai is an abusive dick without a heart or a brain" theories).

Anyone, of course, would likely interject here to say surely Ozai ALSO trained Azula himself because that's what he'd do with his favorite kid, right? See. I don't even disagree with that notion.

BUT IT'S A HEADCANON.

We have zero evidence that Ozai trained her! None! I totally will write that into Azula's backstory in many of my stories, but there's NOTHING in canon to suggest this actually happened and that Ozai was genuinely, actively, frequently involved in her progress as a firebender. Assuming he HAD to be is, still, a headcanon. You can't say that with any more certainty than mine when I say I believe Azula loves spicy foods. Does it seem to be something that would fit with her character? I think so! But if eventually canon goes "AZULA CAN'T STAND SPICY FOODS LOL JOKE'S ON YOU!" I... can't even say a thing about it. People's food tastes aren't reflective of their personalities. They really could do whatever they want in that respect. And that's the case for ANYTHING that isn't part of the show's storytelling or the character backgrounds or any texts we consider canon!

POINT BEING: Ozai, regardless of what you want to headcanon, had Lo and Li as Azula's teachers. HIS FAVORITE CHILD... and her only official instructors are two non-benders. Yang added Kunyo as an old instructor of Azula's when she was young, sure! But Kunyo was sooooo qualified that baby Azula was already kicking his ass. So, for that matter? He doesn't really seem to have been a cornerstone of her firebending development and the only other known teachers for Azula are Lo and Li.

For the last time: Azula's teachers are NON-BENDERS. AS CHOSEN, SANCTIONED, APPROVED AND ACCEPTED BY OZAI.

And with those two remarking on absolutely STUPID stuff like "one hair out of place"? Azula still became the incredible firebender she was.

Cue, now, the irony where Zuko was stuck in the basics 3 years after setting out of the Fire Nation... WITH IROH ACTIVELY SERVING AS HIS MENTOR.

You're not gonna tell me that Lo and Li would EVER be better instructors than Iroh, or are you? Because that makes no sense. Full-stop. Iroh is supposed to be the most profound and complete firebender thorughout the show because he's spiritually enlightened even though I admit I think that's bullshit and he doesn't just teach Zuko how to set things on fire, he actually makes him learn theory and spirituality and his teachings are more profound than just "ONE HAIR OUT OF PLACE".

So.

Banished as he is, disgraced and seen as trash by Ozai, Zuko STILL has a better teacher than Azula does.

... Is this LOGICAL? Is this NORMAL? Does this make SENSE?

If you think Ozai's favoritism of Azula takes the shape of "I'll give you every little thing you ask for, sweetheart, I love you very much, here, have ten million doll houses so you can set them on fire, and all the ponies you ask for and on your next birthday I'll buy you a baby dragon and you'll get your own region of the Fire Nation to govern and a fancy title..."?

Then Lo and Li, unfortunately, are right here to be a HUGE contradiction with your interpretation of Ozai and Azula's relationship.

Azula should have THE BEST teachers. Azula does not. Azula doesn't even LIKE them. Azula is openly shown to dislike them! To be annoyed around them, ANGRY when they're teaching her, she feels they're here to keep tabs on her for her father! In a sense, they're Ozai's SPIES on her! :')

Hence? Ozai's favoritism of Azula MIGHT not be what everyone keeps pretending it is. Maybe Ozai didn't do everything to make Azula get things EASILY... and to be fair? That's not what Zuko said anyway. People interpreted it that way... but that's not REALLY what he says:

"Everything always came easy to her. She's a firebending prodigy, and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky. "

Every line in this statement is absolutely questionable and all of it sounds like buuuuullshit to me. This is ZUKO'S perspective. And sorry not sorry, but it's tell-don't-show. People swear by his opinion of Azula and pretend he's absolutely objective about it. He's not.

But "Everything always came easy to her," does not mean "EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS HANDED OVER TO HER ON A SILVER PLATTER." And yet this is what the fandom has constantly interpreted it as.

Azula might just be a prodigy. Maybe she started out ten steps ahead of her brother: this does not mean she needs no guidance, no training, no help. She's seen training herself over perfectionism in her very second scene of Book 2. And the guidance she gets in order to achieve perfection is actually, objectively, stupid.

This is what Ozai chose for her. This is an OBSTACLE for her growth, just as much as Lo and Li were obstacles for me when I was starting with Gladiator! Azula doesn't have it EASY: she just works herself so damn hard that even shit that should HINDER her does NOT do that. And even when her brother objectively has spent THREE YEARS with an advantage in the shape of being trained by one of the VERY BEST firebenders out there? Azula is still beating Zuko at it. With two non-benders as her teachers.

Where am I going with all this?

To the fact that Lo and Li are overlooked in just about every instance of the fandom.

To the fact that nobody includes them, and their influence on Azula, in their analyses of who Azula is.

I've seen a shitstorm rising over the Netflix characterization of Azula: SHE'S TOO ANGRY, they say. Non-stop. She's sooooo hysterical, all the time! She's just pissed perpetually!

Well. I haven't finished the show yet. But the scenes I've seen Azula in so far? They don't fit the fandom's view of Azula because...

... they're not taking Lo and Li into account.

As usual.

:')

Azula's reactions around Lo and Li being frustration, anger, irritation EVEN in scenes like The Beach, where Azula was FINE until she sees them? That shit is storytelling that went over sooooooo many heads, EVEN MINE! When I saw people going on about how canon Azula is... not insecure? Not angry? Has no frustrations and was only ever smirking 24/7? I... didn't feel that was right. I knew it wasn't right. And when I thought about it hard enough? I realized that one reason why this interpretation of Azula is IMMEDIATELY dismissable is because of Lo and Li: those two constantly made Azula angry. Even if that wasn't their intent, it's nonetheless the effect they'd have on her. And Azula didn't like having them around. She CLEARLY didn't appreciate them the way Zuko does Iroh, for instance! And this could be taken as a flaw on Azula's part... if we EVER saw evidence that these two ladies actually love Azula as a grandchild, or so. If we had any evidence that they actually have cared for her in ways nobody else ever did. If maybe the ones Zuko talks about, upon saying "EVERYONE LOVES AZULA" were these two! And maybe he was jealous of them! Maybe he wanted two old ladies to watch his every move and tell him his every flaw!

... Clearly I'm joking about that last thing, but anyway...

There's nothing to tell us Lo and Li were anything but Ozai's assigned watchdogs to keep control and tabs over Azula. That Azula's immediate reaction upon hearing that someone cares about her is "Oh fuck off, my dad sent you here because he doesn't trust me!" is... telling. It's not just paranoia speaking, even if it sure can be read that way! It's actually Azula's perception of those two, which is 100% supported by what we saw of the twins throughout the show, WHENEVER we did see them: their roles in Azula's life are indeed to keep tabs on her, to keep her under control, to pressure her into perfection, AS OZAI'S AGENTS! Seen this way, it MAKES SENSE for Azula to disregard their concern and immediately assume it's FAKE. She isn't even shown to doubt it, never questions that MAYBE they did care about her! She assumes they don't...

... And considering that, as far as I know, the official concept is that they BOTH LEFT when Azula banished one of them only? That they didn't contest her command, staying to look after her even if she only wanted one? I mean, clearly Azula can't tell them apart, so they could've taken turns: one watches over Azula for 12 hours and the other for the next 12 hours, I don't goddamn know! But they didn't do that. They LEFT. And if they left? It means they don't care remotely as much as they say they do. Not to the point where they'd challenge Azula's orders and help her when they KNOW she's not okay.

And all of this further supports my point.

When we see Azula in the liveaction being angry, bitter, irritable at Ozai's choices?

I see a reflection of the same dynamics that the OG too subtly weaved into Azula's relationship with Lo and Li. I see Azula reacting against Ozai's control over her because she feels it's DISTRUST. She feels it means her father STILL needs to be convinced that she's competent, powerful, ready to do his bidding. It isn't a case where Azula's irritation comes from wanting to rebel against her father... it's Azula wanting her father to UNDERSTAND that she's 100% his supporter and will put everything on the line to serve him and the Fire Nation.

And it's very damn easy to read that exact same thing into Azula's dynamics with Lo and Li as it is to see it EXPLICITLY STATED in the liveaction.

My point?

What the liveaction did is not nearly as much of a distant characterization choice as people think it is.

Ozai is Azula's Achilles' Heel. Everything she became, everything she grew up to be, was for his sake. He molded her to become those things and simply didn't give a shit about raising a daughter, he treated her as a weapon, and absolutely pitted his children against each other, just as much as OTHER adults in their lives did. But the impact of Ozai on Azula in the OG is easy to ignore. Why? Because we SELDOM see them interacting. Because we don't get that side of Azula's character fully explored. Because they didn't want to explore Ozai's character either! They were as cheap as they could be with all these aspects and so, only the people who really got into analyzing things on a deeper level would be able to say, without a doubt, that Ozai abused Azula emotionally with all the expectations and demands he put on his own child. Through the golden child-scapegoat dynamic that people have been bringing up non-stop in the past years.

So, proving herself to her father is what Azula wants to do, more than anything. Proving worthy of his favor, of his approval, is the closest thing she can get to feeling loved. Which is depressing as fuck. Azula gets zero affection: it's not even conditional affection, there's NOTHING for her besides approving words if she gets anything right. And this show's work with Azula's character? It was meant to make these things less invisible to all the fans who like to pretend none of it exists. And yes, I've seen them, crawling all over Twitter shitting themselves in fits of rage because how dare that show pretend Azula EVER had a bad time in her perfect flawless life!!

Well, the irony is that the OG gives you a smidge of evidence -- and yet that's enough -- to show that Ozai was doing very similar things to Azula in ATLA, and her reactions to it?

Huh. No smirks for Lo and Li.

No smirks for the symbols of Ozai's control over her life.

It's almost like the confidence, the smirks, the apparent ease with which she handles everything? Is a front that crumbles easily whenever it concerns the ONE PERSON with power over her life.

I don't believe, worth noting, that Azula's power comes from rage. I've seen people say that in fandom in the past and I find it a completely absurd take when Iroh himself spells out that her bending is about control, about precision, and it's Azula's FURY that makes her a sloppy mess in the finale. It's even INTENTIONAL that when she shoots lightning a second time, in her second establishing scene, THAT SAME HAIR FALLS OUT OF PLACE. She's still angry. She didn't get it "right" this time either. She's imperfect and she's trying NOT to be, but she cannot succeed. And upon bending lightning with emotions (rage/frustration)? That hair falls YET AGAIN out of place. Proof that she's not going to achieve the perfection she's being FORCED (indeed, by her father and the people who are here to represent him, Lo and Li) to strive for.

The liveaction had Ozai pushing Azula for a perfection she couldn't attain either. She's perfectly content in her cruelty at Ozai's side, right until she hears the Avatar was found and that Zuko has a shot at taking away the privileges she's been basking in so far. That she WASN'T nervous about this in canon is pretty damn obvious: OZAI SENT HER TO HUNT ZUKO DOWN FOR BEING A FAILURE. We never saw her reaction to learning that the Avatar was out and about. We have noooo idea what was canonically going on with her back then. The first time we see her besides the flashback is Azula receiving a mission that tells her she's STILL #1 and Zuko is no threat to her because Ozai thinks he's a failure. Thus? She had nothing to fear. Here? Ozai is actively using Zuko as bait to pressure Azula further. And if you're so confident in Ozai's good parenting skills as to believe he somehow WOULDN'T do that? Sounds like you don't understand the very basic and simplistic Fire Lod Ozai from ATLA, and that's not something to be proud of. So probably stop screaming your bad takes at the top of your lungs, because being incapable of understanding Ozai in canon is not a badge of pride, just saying...

FINAL POINT...

This post is not written expressly in the defense of the liveaction and its characterization of Azula. To this point, what I've seen of it doesn't feel WRONG or OFF unless you're the kind of person who thinks Azula is only capable of smirking and if she stops doing that she stops existing or something. Only people who cannot understand the depth, nuance, subtleties in Azula's story would ever be claiming that Azula's relationship with Ozai COUDLN'T be like this, or that Azula couldn't possibly be frustrated with her father or his choices when it's soooo clear what Ozai is going for, and why it's working. But in order to read Azula as a character capable of this range of emotion, frustration and ambition, all at once? You have to be able to treat this character, be it in the liveaction or the OG show, as a human being.

And that's what most the people criticizing this specific change are determined not to do. It's what makes them uncomfy. It's what rustles their jimmies.

Yes. I'm saying it in this very demeaning way because I actually find it quite ridiculous to be this insecure over the portrayal of a fictional 14yo in two TV shows. Whether the liveaction sticks the landing or fails catastrophically, I do not know... but I do know that if it's forcing a bunch of people to rethink Azula's character, and making them panic at the idea that she could EVER have human emotions, even if they're AWFUL human emotions?

Then I'm afraid you're only convincing me that, as bad as that show could ever get? It's getting SOMETHING right. I do love to see misinterpretations of Azula getting slammed in the face by the reality that all those beliefs, headcanons and takes in bad faith are actively, categorically untrue: none of which makes Azula a fundamentally good person, worth noting! But it makes it very clear that reading her as a one-dimensional basic villain, which is what the anti-Azula-redemption crowd actively does, is literally only possible if you overlook, ignore and fail to understand her character and her complexities, be it in the liveaction or in the original show.

There. I said my piece.

Another post, regarding the rest of the liveaction, is bound to come later. I'd say stay tuned but it might take me a while to write it at all. So... wait around and maybe you'll see it someday!

#azula #atla #natla #yep :')#I'm doing it #because I know the bad takes are everywhere so #let's see if mine actually gets any visibility this way #can of worms here we goooooooooo #(this is a bad idea I know it is I'm having a leave of my senses)#(but sometimes you just gotta watch the world burn and this has been... a complicated sad day)#also sorry if anyone saw it without the read more oops I thought I'd put it there #so either tumblr ate it or I forgot yikes #but now it's theeeere #sorryyyyyyyy

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shinjisdone · 3 months

Note

(Kicks the blog door)

I was excited when I saw that the Yandere type orders were open, since the orders are open, I don't want to miss my shot >:D

Type: Headcanons (Yandere)

Reader: Female

Yandere Alphabet

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?💔

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?💔

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?💔

Character: (TWST) Silver

I hope that my request is not too long, in case it has complications you can discard it if you wish. But if not, take your time and no pressure 🌠🌌✍️ Bye 👍💐

@justm3di0cr3 , @a-small-tyrant , @twistedcece , @savanaclaw1996

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling? - Silver

Silver - when everything is considered "fine" in his eyes - can be his usual self around you. Disciplined, honest, and a gentleman. There is, however, an obvious infatuation and admiration in his eyes whenever he gazes at you. Whether or not you see it. In moments such as these, he's quiet and calm and has only eyes for you. He barely acknowledges anything or anyone else when you are here.

He listens mostly but likes to do so while he is close to you. He'd try his very hardest to not fall asleep by...staring at you intently. Seeing you, especially this close (to him!) gives him the urge to never look away and to focus on only you. Sitting close together, knee next to knee, hands brushing, goodness if only he could even ask if he could lay on your lap! How could he ever escape to his dreams when his one dream is right here?

Unfortunately, due to being so quiet and staring at you, he unwittingly seems creepy, even with that gentle smile of his. He prefers to listen so he can soak up every little detail about you and what you say, what you like, dislike, have noted or wanted. Silver can act accordingly then by either avoiding certain things you do not like or surprising you with something you had your eye on for quite some time.

It might seem like he is zoning out...but he is very much in the moment. Taking in every little small thing you do, from your choice of words to the way your eyes flicker and your weight shifts as you stand. Silver is quite observant and it is a pleasure for him to just indulge in your presence and is even quite proud of being able to know every detail about you by just watching.

If only you could know what he is thinking as he listens to you talk. His smile would not seem so soft anymore.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Silver is patient. He's a bit of a daydreamer as well, finding contentment in being your close friend - as long as that also means that he can admire you from afar, be the only one who listens to and solves your problems, who offers protection for you that you gladly accept, as long as he can be your prince. It is a bit cliché but he very much enjoys the role of a knight...however, he sees you in a more romanticised light as his 'loving liege' that he can rather pledge his love and loyalty to than his allegiance.

Pining can go on for a long time but the longer it goes on in the school years, the more his heart aches. And the more it aches, the more emotional cool-headed Silver gets and that increases the chances of him acting upon them. Suddenly proclaiming shocking things to you, asking you very personal questions while wanting to hear only one answer; "Yes, I love you too, Silver."

He does not grow angry nor saddened. Upset at most but he simply wants to know one thing while letting you know thousands more; Of his thoughts, of his feelings, of him pledging his love to you. Please, please accept it!

However, when someone approaches that threatens his position as your self-proclaimed knight or when you reject and not indulge in his fantasies, Silver might get a bit upset - however, his patience is abundant. It will take time and a lot of troubling situations for his patience to grow thinner.

Silver will encourage himself if you and the actions of others do not. How this will be short-lived and that he cannot be...replaced as harsh as it sounds - because it is not possible. Someone like him who has worked so hard to be by your side, to be seen in that light by you cannot just be cast aside. It's not possible.

He is your knight. Even when you do not acknowledge it.

The moment he'd snap is when his fantasies and dream are completely shattered. Either by thorough rejection or you finding love in someone else. Silver does not get violent but emotional. Heartbroken. He might finally spill everything out very emotionally and dismayingly. You do not recognize him.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Jealousy is seldom but possible.

Silver is not neccessarily jealous of people he knows he is above of in skill, in knowledge, and strength. But no matter how "weak" someone might appear to be, he might get jealous if they still manage to be close to you.

Especially when you act different around them. Much more positively than you ever have with Silver. As mentioned he is observant and will notice the slightest shift in your mood and feelings and when they appear to be displeasing to him, Silver gets jealous.

He tries to brush the green monster off. There is no need to feel upset. Just because you might feel a certain way about someone else does not mean your knight will be replaced or deterred. He'd rather wait and see instead of making assumptions. Who knows, this little thing you've got going on with this other student might be short-lived (He hoped so dearly).

So Silver somewhat blocks it all out because he knows if he watched and listens, he will notice you liking this person quite a bit, or the student being way too comfortable around you. He will notice it, he knows it, so in the beginning he will try to ignore it and instead strenghten the bond he has with you. But enough will be enough and Silver will have no choice but to acknowledge this gnawing jealousy.

Still, he tries his best not to lash out. Especially when he is with you but if he does happen to be alone with that person that makes you laugh while Silver can only make you giggle, he might...challenge them to a duel. A friendly match to test each other's skills and wits.

However, he might end up beating them much harsher than originally intended but Silver will not notice. The only thing in his mind is to prove to himself, to you and especially to the other student, that they are no match.

They might stop hanging out with you...and just like the princely knight that he is, Silver will be by your side as your support. He did not outright plan to scare the other party away with his brute strength but he does not complain of his things ended up.

With you back in his arms.

#request answered #twst #twisted wonderland #silver twst #silver vanrouge #yandere silver #yandere twisted wonderland #yandere alphabet #yandere

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genshinimpactlife · 1 year

Note

Hi there! Could I request some sfw x reader headcanons of Al-Haitham, Cyno and Tighnari getting caught in a surprise rainstorm with reader? Thank you very much!

Getting Caught In A Rainstorm

Alhaitham had to run a few errands today for the Academia, and as an assistant to the scribe, it was only natural that you would go with him.

It was a cloudy day, but neither of you had thought it would rain. But as the two of you walked through the city, the clouds only got darker and darker.

The rain was sudden, going from just a few drops to a torrential downpour.

You were carrying some important documents that you were desperately trying to shield from the rain with your body. You were unsure what to do when Alhaitham grabbed your arm, dragging you out of the main road towards a shop's awning.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I managed to keep the documents safe."

"No, I asked if you were okay. We can always get another written copy."

You were taken aback by his question, but a warm grin crossed your lips as you nodded.

There was quite a lot of snickering and comments being made about the two when you returned to the Academia, both of you still dripping wet from the storm.

You and Cyno were out on official business for the Academia, tracking down some bandits that had been causing trouble.

It had been such a clear and sunny day when you started, but the skies had become dark and grey within a few hours.

Neither of you acknowledged the droplets that started falling, continuing with your work in the rain.

It wasn't until it became a downpour that Cyno sighed, leading you to a small cafe within the city you were investigating.

"We might as well take a break here and eat something."

Cyno ended up paying for your snack, and a glare from him shot down any comments you may have had about it.

The two of you sat by the window and ate your snacks, looking out at the rainstorm.

"How did you know to come here?"

Cyno didn't say anything immediately, looking out at the downpour for a minute before speaking up.

"I had some business here a while ago, and the woman who runs the place gave me a free hot meal… Been coming back ever since."

This was the first time Cyno had told you something about himself, as he was quite reserved at work.

You talked for quite a while until the rain slowed down, both of you leaving the cafe much more relaxed.

You and Tighnari were out on patrol in the forest. Usually, Collei would have tagged along, but she wasn't up to it today.

It was a cloudy and dreary day but peaceful deep within the forest.

You and Tighnari hadn't spoken much, focusing on your surroundings as that peace could change at any moment.

But once a few droplets started falling from the sky; you finally spoke up.

"Do you think we should start heading back?"

"A little rain never hurt anyone."

You playfully rolled your eyes at Tighnari's comment, but within a few minutes, that gentle ran had turned into a downpour. It was so bad you could hardly even see a few feet in front of you.

"This way!"

Tighnari took your hand, leading you down a hill behind a huge rock that turned out to be a cave entrance.

Once inside, the two of you started trying to wring out your clothes, getting as dry as possible.

"What was that about a little rain never hurting anyone?"

"Okay, maybe I miscalculated."

You gave Tighnari shit about this for weeks to come

This request was so cute! I hope you enjoy <3

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stellae-de-baphometis · 8 months

Text

An Ultimate Revise: Who Or What Is Satan?

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Okay... So I have a lot to say before I get into this post, because the original blog post I made was extremely problematic and I would like to address it, first and foremost.

My original "Who Or What Is Satan" post that I wrote was meant to be an educational and historical post, but it ended up being far from historically accurate whatsoever. It was full of errors and antisemitism, and I had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.

And so I've decided to completely rewrite and revise the entire post from scratch. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while now, because I really hate how my original post turned out and how antisemitic it was.

So without further ado, here is the revised and rewritten version of my original post, minus all the bullshit lol. Strap in, because this is gonna be a looong post! Full blog post is under the cut. ↓

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So here's a little more info and backstory on the original "Who Or What Is Satan" post, before we get into the revised version;

⚠️ - TRIGGER WARNING: Antisemitism - ⚠️ About a year ago now, I wrote a blog post of the same title under the username of @/thebaphometicforest. At the time of writing that post, I was extremely uneducated and new to Daemonolatry, and I had also been almost fully indoctrinated into a Ne0-Naz1 cult on Reddit without realising it (cough cough the fucking cesspit that is r/DemonolatryPractices cough). The blog post I wrote was full of misinformation and antisemitic propaganda, and I'm really not proud of the fact that I used to hold such antisemitic beliefs surrounding Judaism and cultural appropriation in general. I have since deleted the post, though I believe there are reblogs of it that exist, for those who wish to seek it out for further context, or whatever other reason you may need it.

I would like to take the time to sincerely apologise to the Jewish community for how blatantly ignorant and disrespectful I was in my past. There is no excuse for my antisemitism; I was just stupidly misinformed. I want it to be clear though that I never intended to purposefully discriminate against Jews, I just didn't realise how problematic my views were at the time. I wanted to clarify that distinction; But the bottom line is that the intent doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I was still a dick. It is no excuse and I take full accountability and responsibility for my past actions.

Please know that my past problematic views do not represent me anymore and I have changed and educated myself since then. And with that said, I want it to be my main goal to help dispel antisemitism, ignorance, and bigotry in occult spaces as an ally, as well as advocate for the rights and wellbeing of the Jewish community not only in occult spaces, but overall. 💙

With all of that said, it's time to set the record straight and talk about who and what Satan actually is!

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DISCLAIMER: Please keep in mind that I am not Jewish or Muslim, and therefore cannot speak from those perspectives on this subject. I understand and acknowledge that the concept of Satan originates in Judaism and have no intention to be appropriative. I'm simply just going off research and from what Jewish people in occult spaces on Tumblr have said regarding this subject. I also apologise in advance for any inaccuracies in this post. Please don't hesitate to point them out and I will correct them as soon as I can! Xx

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+: GIF Credit :+

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Satan has evolved to become a very complex character in the modern day. In fact, the very concept and idea of Satan can depend on who you ask, as there are multiple different spiritual paths that interpret Satan differently nowadays. Satan's history has also been muddied quite a lot over the years.

But what are the actual historical origins of Satan, and how did he even come to be?

༺・ The Origins Of Satan ・༻

So, where did Satan even come from?

The origins of Satan can firstly be traced back to Judaism, where Satan refers to an angel (Ha-Satan) that was initially subservient to God. It was only later that he came to be known as "The Devil" in Christianity (sometimes considered synonymous with Lucifer, a bastardised Greco-Roman god) and was referred to as an evil demon, devil, and fallen angel. Later in Islam, he came to be known as an evil spirit who went by the name of Iblis or Ash-Shaytan.

The concept and role of Satan varies drastically between Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and other belief systems which may have similar figures in their mythology. Let's further elaborate on what Satan means when it comes to these three belief systems.

Note: In the Christianity section, I have added a lot of my own interpretations and personal beliefs on the subject as I used to be a Christian as a child. However, I have not done the same with the Judaism or Islam sections as they are closed practices from what I have heard, and I feel that it is not my place to have a UPG on a closed practise, especially if I am not a part of it. Therefore, I will only be including historical info I have gathered from doing research in those parts and nothing more. I wish to remain respectful by not adding my personal input on those parts.

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+: In Judaism :+

There appears to be two main accounts of Satan in Judaism. The most well-know account is that Satan refers to an angel in the Torah named Ha-Satan (literally "The Satan") who is actually subordinate to God, rather than being an opposing force of God. His role was to test the faith of God's followers by tempting them to sin. If they resisted Ha-Satan's temptations, they were proving themselves faithful and loyal to God.

Another account comes from Satanail, the Prince of the Grigori Watcher Angels. The role of the Grigori were to descend to Earth so they could guide humans and teach them. But when they began having sex with humans and producing offspring such as the Nephilim, they were cast out of Heaven and became fallen angels. Some translations suggest that the Nephilim were a type of giants, whereas other translations suggest that they were the hybrid children of fallen angels.

Sometimes the archangel Samael is also equated with Satan, however they don't necessarily have the same functions. Samael was usually tasked with destroying sinners, whereas Ha-Satan was tasked with tempting and testing sinners.

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+: In Christianity :+

Here's where things begin to get muddy. Satan is referred to in multiple different ways in Christianity, and it really just depends on the interpretations and translations of the Christian Bible. Let's have a look at Satan's multiple titles that are mentioned.

~ The Serpent ~

Satan is considered to be synonymous with The Serpent that convinced Eve and Adam to eat fruit from the Tree Of Knowledge. In Genesis 3, the serpent claimed that if you ate the fruit, you could "be like God, knowing good and evil".

+. Genesis 3 .+ ❧ Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman "Did God really say 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" ❧ The woman said to the serpent "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die'." ❧ "You will not certainly die", the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil". ❧ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

In my interpretation, Satan brought liberation, indulgence enlightenment, wisdom, and free will to Adam and Eve through eating the fruit. He showed them that if they open their minds and were willing to learn new things, they could grow and flourish to be wiser than they once were, as well as constantly strive to be the best version of themselves.

It was actually God that brought about consequences for Eve and Adam eating the fruit from the Tree Of Knowledge, not Satan. My interpretation is that if you choose to embrace your true and best self, there are always going to be people who will not like or approve of you; But that doesn't mean that you are doing something bad (as long as you aren't hurting anyone or doing anything immoral of course, lol).

~ The Devil ~

I think everyone is aware that Satan's most well-known title that he goes by is "The Devil". Personally, I don't like to refer to Satan using this title because the word originates from the Ancient Greek word 'diabolos', meaning 'slanderer'. This implies that Satan is a liar and deceiver, which I don't personally believe. In my experience, he has always been a bringer of wisdom and truth.

Satan is said to be the "father of lies" and that he "leads the whole world astray", but I still have yet to see any evidence of him lying or leading anyone astray. The Christian Bible says that he lies, but doesn't show how he is a liar; At least not to my knowledge anyways. However, the God depicted in the Christian Bible seems to have lied about how the fruit on the Tree Of Knowledge would kill Adam and Eve... Because it didn't. It enlightened them and opened their eyes. It helped them to see the truth.

I can't really find any bible verses that suggest Satan actually lies; Only verses accusing him of being a liar. I did, however, find evidence that God lies in the Christian Bible. (Please note that this isn't me trying to be anti-Christian or anything, I'm just trying to make the point that there isn't really any evidence that Satan is deceptive in the Christian Bible. This is mainly to point out the hypocrisy of conservative/extremist forms of Christianity.) Here is an interesting verse that I found which may prove my point that God is deceptive and does in fact lie:

+. Jeremiah 4:10 .+ ❧ Then I said, "Alas, sovereign LORD! How completely you have deceived these people and Jerusalem by saying 'You will have peace', when the sword is at our throats!"

Just something to thing about lol.

~ The Dragon ~

It is when Satan is introduced as The Dragon that the idea of him falling to the Earth (presumably from Heaven) is addressed in Christianity for the first time. In the Christian Bible, Satan is described as taking the form of a giant seven-headed red dragon, donning ten horns as well as seven crowns, one atop each head. It is described that Satan is "hurled down" to the Earth, as well as his angels that serve him.

+. Quotes From Revelation 12 .+ ❧ Then another sign appeared in Heaven; An enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on its heads. Its tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the Earth. ❧ Then war broke out in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in Heaven. ❧ The great dragon was hurled down - That ancient serpent called The Devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the Earth, and his angels with him.

+. Luke 10:18 .+ ❧ He replied, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from Heaven".

I personally don't really believe in angels or the Christian God, therefore I don't believe in fallen angels and I don't really buy into the divine simply being split up into "good vs evil". Instead, I believe in metaphorical fallen angels; Deities and spirits that were bastardised by Christian extremism and painted as evil, simply because they were anything other than the Christian God (e.g. Baal and Ashtoreth starting out as Canaanite deities and being demonised into the Goetian daemons that are Bael and Astaroth).

I think the whole thing of Satan being "hurled down" was most likely just a metaphor to symbolise his apparent defeat and that he had no place in Heaven, according to the Christian God.

~ The Morning Star ~

I think this is mainly where the whole idea of fallen angels came from, when Satan was conflated with The Morning Star, better known by the name of Lucifer. Funnily enough, Lucifer is never actually addressed by name in the Christian Bible; At least not that I could find. Rather, he is addressed as "morning star" and "son of the morning".

+. Isaiah 14 .+ ❧ How you have fallen from Heaven, morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the Earth, you who once laid low the nations! ❧ You said in your heart, "I will ascend to the Heavens; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the upmost heights of Mount Zaphon. ❧ I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High." ❧ But you are brought down to the realm of the dead, to the depths of the pit.

+. 2 Peter 1:19 .+ ❧ We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.

These verses seem to paint Lucifer as some sort of fallen angel that was jealous of God and wanted to rise above him. However, what some may not know is that Lucifer didn't even start off as an angel at all. The name "Lucifer" is Latin for light-bearer. The Greek word for this term is "Phosphorus", which is also the name of a Greco-Roman deity!

Phosphorus was the personification of the planet Venus, which appeared as the brightest "star" in the sky at dawn, hence the term "morning star". Phosphorus was the son of Aurora, the Roman goddess of the dawn, hence the term "son of the morning". So technically speaking, Lucifer and Satan may not even be the same entity. At least, not historically. The concept of Satan originated in Judaism, whereas Lucifer seems to have spawned from the bastardisation of a niche Roman god.

However, when it comes to Luciferianism, Lucifer is seen as a guide/teacher, liberator, guardian, beacon of enlightenment/ wisdom/ truth, and even sometimes the "true god" as apposed to the Christian God. I personally differentiate Lucifer from Satan to an extent in my beliefs, but more on that a little later!

IMPORTANT EDIT: A good friend of mine has since informed me that the aforementioned bible verses weren't referring to the Roman god Phosphorus. I was incorrect about this. The term Lucifer was actually a title applied to the King that ruled over Babylon at the time, most likely Nebuchadnezzar (II) the Great. The King of Babylon was compared to the planet Venus because of his power and influence in the world. He was "cast down to the earth" because of his wickedness. In this context, "Lucifer" was a physical human being; Not an angel, nor a god.

It was only until Christianity that these verses were misinterpreted (probably because of mistranslation issues, though I'm not entirely sure) and the story of the King of Babylon was twisted into the tale of an alleged angel that got his arse kicked out of Heaven for "disobeying God" or whatever lol.

You can read more about the backstory in this PDF I found that goes further into detail here.

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+: In Islam :+

The concept of Satan is also found in the Qur'an under the names of Iblis or Eblis, also known as Ash-Shaytan or Al-Shaytan. He was a djinn and the "leader of the devils" in Islam. On some accounts, Iblis actually started off as a high-ranking angel and went by the name of Azazil (not to be confused with Azazel). Iblis was assigned the role by God of eradicating disobedient and destructive inhabitants of Earth, so that they could be replaced with humans who were more obedient. But when Azazil refused to create a successor, he was punished by being cast down to Earth by God, where he then became a shaytan.

In another account, God created Iblis from the fires beneath the seventh Earth. Iblis worshipped God for thousands of years, and eventually, he ascended to the surface and continued to rise in rank until he accompanied angels in the seventh heaven.

God then created Adam from the essence of clay and breathed life and a soul into him, and ordered the angels to bow down to Adam. But Iblis refused to bow down; Being a jinn born of the essence of fire, he felt superior to Adam and refused to bow down to someone he considered to be below him. His disobedience to God and efforts to prove humans unworthy led to him being cast out of Heaven, where he earned the position of an eternal enemy of humankind.

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So with all of that said, I would now like to talk about my UPG of Satan and my personal spiritual beliefs surrounding him! :)

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+: GIF Credit :+

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༺・ What Does Satan Mean To Me? ・༻

My personal experience of Satan is that he's a very complex figure made up of many different bits and pieces from other spirits and deities. But mainly, I view Satan as being a triune godhead made up of three different beings/aspects; Lucifer, Sathanus, and Baphomet. It's kind of similar to the "Holy Trinity" in Christianity. He's a diagram I made of the "Satanic Trinity" lol.

In my UPG, I see Lucifer, Sathanus, and Baphomet as their own distinct entities, but I also see them as all being aspects of Satan as well. Think of them as being like a hydra dragon; Three distinct heads that all connect back to the same body. I also believe that other daemons can hold this title as well (Azazel, Belzebuth, Mephistopheles, and possibly many more) but I also see the term 'Satan' as just that; a title.

My best friend @sortiarus-de--naturas--daemonum has a really cool UPG regarding Satan as a title. She believes that Satan can be anyone or anything, and that it can also be a title for people who appose Christian (extremist) values. I actually really love this lol and agree with it quite a lot. ^.^

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In regards to the Satanic Trinity, the number (3) is said to historically be a sacred and magical number, revered across many different cultures and religions.

❧ In Celtic Paganism, the Earth was said to be made up of three realms/parts; Land, Sea, and Sky. ❧ In Alchemy, there were Three Primes (tria prima) that corresponded with the three aspects of human nature; Salt (body), Mercury (mind), and Sulfur (spirit). ❧ In Greco-Roman religion and Neo-Pagan religions such as Wicca, the triple goddess was a triune godhead usually made up of three different goddesses (e.g. Artemis-Selene-Hecate) and was usually also associated with the waxing, full, and waning phases of the Moon.

I view Satan in a very similar way to this. I see Sathanus and Lucifer as being almost like polar opposites, with Baphomet being in the middle of both of them.

❧ If Lucifer is Above and Sathanus is Below, then Baphomet is the middling Within and All Around. ❧ If Lucifer is the Sky (Upperworld) and Sathanus is the Land (Middleworld), then Baphomet is the Sea (Underworld) that meets and connects the two. ❧ If Lucifer is the Radiance of light and Sathanus is the Shadow of darkness, then Baphomet is the grey Quintessence in between. ❧ If Lucifer is the Sun above and Sathanus is the Earth below, then Baphomet is the Moon that middles between the two. ❧ If Lucifer is the Waxing Moon and Sathanus is the Waning Moon, then Baphomet is the Full Moon that connects the two moon phases together.

These are the correspondences I personally associate with Satan. I also have my own UPG about how Satan came to be.

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༺・ So... Who Is Satan Then? ・༻

I believe that Satan came to be through many different deities, spirits, influences, and Christian extremist paranoia throughout history. To an extent, I believe Satan to be a spirit shard of sorts. What's a spirit shard, you ask? Allow me to explain...

+: Spirit Shards :+

❧ A spirit shard is when a piece of a deity or deities breaks off and develops into its own entity that stands alone from its fountainhead deity. This is usually the result of vilifying and demonisation of gods from other religions and belief systems, primarily done by Christian extremists.

A good example of this would be the formerly mentioned Bael and Astaroth; I believe they are both spirit shards of Baal and Ashtoreth that came about because of demonisation by Christian extremists, and eventually those demonisations broke off from the fountainhead deities and became distinct daemons.

I also believe that there was some egregoric influence that aided in the creation of Satan as well. Thus, I feel that he could partly be an egregoric entity too.

+: Egregoric Entities :+

❧ An egregoric entity is a spirit, deity, or other type of entity that arises into existence from the collective thoughts, influences, and energy input of a distinct group of people.

Lord/Lady Baphomet themselves are a perfect example of an egregoric deity that arose from the collective belief in them being falsely conflated with "The Devil" by Christians. But more on their origins a little later. :)

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With all of that said, here is my take on how the three main aspects of Satan that are Lucifer, Sathanus, and Baphomet came to be! Please note that this is just my UPG and isn't meant to be presented as an absolute truth or fact; These are just my personal beliefs.

Note: In my practice, I believe in eight elements rather than just five. I believe in Fire, Air, Water, and Earth. I also believe in Spirit, but I split it into three aspects; Spirit Above (Radiance), Spirit Below (Shadow), and Spirit Within (Quintessence). Finally, I also believe in Void as an eighth element, which is represented by The Self, as you are the ultimate creator of your own personal practice. :)

∙---+ 🜍.~ Lucifer ~.🜍 +---∙

As previously mentioned, Lucifer seems to have originated from the Roman god Phosphorus, a personification of the planet Venus that appears as the brightest "star" in the sky at dawn, called the "morning star". Phosphorus also had a brother named Hesperus, who was basically the same but instead appeared at dusk instead of dawn, and was known as the "evening star". In some accounts, the two gods were later combined into one singular deity.

For whatever reason, this niche Roman god was then dragged into the Christian Bible with the coming of Christianity, thus demonising them and leading to an initial split of Lucifer as a spirit shard from Phosphorus/Hesperus.

Interpretations then spread of Lucifer apparently being some sort of "fallen angel" that was cast out of Heaven for wanting to "rise above God" out of jealousy and pride. They were then conflated with being an evil demon, possibly originating from the benevolent daimon/daemon that was initially a type of guiding spirit that provided wisdom and knowledge, and not actually having anything to do with being evil at all.

Lucifer then started being conflated with The Devil, The Serpent, The Dragon, and the entire concept of Satan in general, thus leading to Lucifer earning their place in the Satanic Trinity.

❧ Lucifer represents higher consciousness, wisdom, enlightenment, knowledge, spiritual liberation and freedom, a guiding light in the dark, expressing/embracing your true self, confidence, standing up for yourself, self-love, rebellion, and always striving to be the best version of yourself.

+: Other Correspondences :+ - Animals: ravens/crows, hawks, swans, tree snakes, doves - Colours: icy blue, sunshine yellow, snowy white, sandstone orange, rich golds/silvers/bronze - Element: Air & Radiance (Spirit Above) - Incense/Scents: sandalwood, lavender, juniper, amber, lily - Metal: Copper & Gold - Planet: Venus & Sol (The Sun)

∙---+ 🜔.~ Sathanus ~.🜔 +---∙

In my UPG, Sathanus is a complex daemon and deity that came into being via multiple sources. I believe that the concept of him spawned in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam; However, he later broke off into a spirit shard and egregoric deity, and further developed into his own entity over time.

As Christianity spread and extremist paranoia began to mount throughout the years, more and more deities were demonised and vilified in comparison to the Christian God. Deities such as the Greek Pan, the Celtic Cernunnos, and the Canaanite Moloch were all conflated with "The Devil" and falsely assumed to be demons. Overtime, attributes and pieces of these gods and many other vilified horned deities began to feed into the concept of Satan; And in an egregoric fashion, Sathanus evolved into a daemon and deity of his own.

He even has entries in several demonology grimoires that were written within the past few hundred years (e.g. Livre Des Esperitz and Liber Officiorum Spirituum).

Sathanus is primarily The Serpent, The Devil, and The Dragon. In the Garden Of Eden, he showed Eve that she wasn't bound to follow the rules of God if she didn't want to. He gave her the fruit of the Tree Of Knowledge to open her eyes and show Eve that she had freewill and could be the god of her own life. At least, that's my interpretation of it anyway lol.

Some rumours suggest that The Devil appeared at Witches' Esbats as a "great black goat with a candle between its horns". In this account, he was referred to as "The Witches' Devil".

❧ Sathanus represents worldly pleasures, power through knowledge, self-leadership, ecstasy, strength, confidence, insurgence, finding/embracing the beauty in darkness, finding hidden wisdom, nature, deliverance from limitations, courage, hedonism, and liberation through "sin" and freewill.

+: Other Correspondences :+ - Animals: dragons, snakes, goats, bats, spiders - Colours: blood red, jet black, electric blue, rich golds, rosewood / dark strawberry pink - Element: Fire, Earth, & Shadow (Spirit Below) - Incense/Scents: dragon's blood, rose, cinnamon, black opium, sandalwood - Metal: Lead & Titanium - Planet: Saturn & Terra (The Earth)

∙---+ ☿.~ Baphomet ~.☿ +---∙

A lot of people don't actually believe in Baphomet as an existing daemon or deity, but rather simply as a symbol representing universal balance; However, from my personal experiences, they definitely are a very real entity. But how did they even come into being? Let's have a look at the history of Baphomet, and how they came to be associated with Satan later on.

Baphomet was said to have been a Pagan deity or idol that was allegedly worshipped by the Knights Templar. The name Baphomet first appeared in trial transcripts for the Inquisition of the Knights Templar starting in 1307. However, there doesn't seem to be any evidence that Baphomet was worshipped by the Knights Templar. Furthermore, it has been stated that the name Baphomet was actually a bastardisation of the name Muhammad, the founder of Islam.

It wasn't until the 19th century that the well-known illustration of the "Sabbatic Goat" was drawn by Éliphas Lévi. It was comprised of a number of binary elements in order to symbolise the "equilibrium of opposites"; Half-human and half-animal, male and female, good and evil, light and darkness, above and below, mercy and justice, etc. Lévi's goal was to symbolise his own idea and concept of balance, with Baphomet being an ultimate symbol and personification of "The Absolute".

But what many may not know about Baphomet, is that Éliphas actually drew inspiration from two distinct existing deities to create his Baphomet illustration; The Greek Pan and the Egyptian Banebdjedet. Lévi equates his image with a god that went by the title of "The Goat Of Mendes" (Mendes is the Greek name for the ancient Egyptian city of Djedet). On some accounts, it is said that Pan is The Goat Of Mendes, but it is much more likely that this title referred to Banebdjedet instead, who was mistaken to have been goat-headed instead of sheep-headed.

The chief deities of the city of Mendes were the ram deity Banebdjedet (meaning "Ba of the Lord of Djedet"), who was said to be the Ba of Osiris, as well as his consort Hatmehit, the fish goddess. In my UPG, Baphomet was partially conceived through these two deities, as well as through Éliphas Lévi's illustration.

❧ Baphomet represents ultimate balance, equity, unity of the universe and all its elements, cosmic order, the cycles of life/death/rebirth, queerness, beauty, duality, love and peace, creation, liberating knowledge, embracing/becoming your true and best self, creativity, wisdom, manifestation, and nature itself.

+: Other Correspondences :+ - Animals: sheep, goats, rams, cats, sea snakes - Colours: amethyst purple, sapphire blue, stormy grey, charcoal black, oceany blue-green - Element: Water & Quintessence (Spirit Within) - Incense/Scents: oud, patchouli, sandal rose (sandalwood and rose), frankincense, myrrh - Metal: Mercury & Silver - Planet: Mercury & Luna (The Moon)

+: Divider Border Credit :+

--- --- --- --- ---

Please keep in mind that all of the correspondences and associations listed here are brief summaries of my UPG regarding these three deities/daemons. I will be making additional posts going into further detail regarding Satan as a triune godhead, hopefully in the near future! I'm not sure when the posts will be out though lol.

⭒☆·━━━━━━━•( 🕸 )•━━━━━━━·☆⭒

Welp, that's pretty much it for this post! Holy shit this took me so long to write. 😭 I hope this has helped you learn more about Satan origins, and Satan as a concept as well as an entity!

I wish you well on your spiritual path. :)

༺⋆✦. Ave Satanas .✦⋆༻

-Korv

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utilitycaster · 6 months

Note

I feel like a lot of people are projecting their own feelings towards what Taliesin did onto the cast as they seemed to me more stressed than necessarily angry at Taliesin but I don't actually play DnD so I thought I might ask you if what Taliesin did really was extreme enough to have actually made the cast as other playerd mad. I've just seen the claim that the cast is mad at x before, with Sam having scanlan leave or Bowlgate or Liam handing over the beacon and then the cast weren't actually mad at all.

Hi anon,

So just a blanket statement for the various questions I have received: until like, Wednesday, today was supposed to be a work from home day, as I often try to make my Fridays; I was pulled in to help an injured coworker briefly this morning, which I understand and which was relatively painless and would have left me free to work from home after 10 am, which is entirely reasonable. I then was sent to a last minute additional site and it turned out they were completely unprepared; this wasted about two and a half hours of my time and I'm now, understandably, extremely annoyed. This may bleed into my responses, though by and large I'm going to specify if I'm annoyed at you or not. Anyway, anon, I'm not annoyed at you at all and any "you" I say below is addressed to the fandom on the whole; this is a valid question.

Yeah the cast is mad. Yeah that's valid; as Matt pointed out there were extensive warnings specifically indicating that this would be a bad idea for Ashton to do. The cast is attached to each other's characters! They were, in fact, mad about Scanlan leaving and Tary showing up, because they care about Scanlan and that was an intense scene; Liam genuinely thought Sam was leaving the show. They were mad about this! They are also, probably going to get over it pretty quickly, or be "mad" about it in the way that your friends still roast you in the group chat over a typo years later. This isn't really even a D&D thing other than that Matt had Evontra'vir and Allura repeatedly say "you might fucking shatter." It's an anger born of concern that Ashton might have been permanently killed. But they weren't, and even if they were, it's fine. (The cast was not remotely mad about bowlgate though; see following paragraph.)

Which brings me to my next point. I have really only checked the blogs of people I follow because of aforementioned work problems and have barely glanced at the tag, and this is in conversation not just with this episode and that discourse and me being pissed off over real-world personal inconveniences, but also the larger discussion of "must stories have conflict?" and the fact that all the people who until quite recently insisted that actually Bells Hells are ROCK SOLID TIGHTLY BONDED and shat repeatedly on the astute point that Bells Hells are actually very surface level pleasant and don't ever discuss their issues have done a 180 that they will never acknowledge. Anyway:

It's extremely normal to be mad at people you care about, and to have arguments with them, and in fact it's likely more unhealthy to not have disagreements and get mad ever, and some of you sound like you've never been outside or had any friends. Like really that's it in the end. Actually believing Marisha and Liam were mad at each other? Friendless behavior. It's completely fine to wonder if this anger was valid, but like, honestly, people get mad over dumb shit every day and the point is that even if it's a stupid thing for the cast to be mad at (obviously, I think it's fine), be fucking normal and recognize that friends can be mad over dumb shit or valid shit and talk through it. Like. Some of you have no conflict resolution skills because you see all forms of confrontation as inherently evil and couldn't be me. I get in fights all the time and I get out of them and it's great. I am glad I no longer live in the midwest but god I cut swathes through problems there because I had zero investment in being Minnesota Nice when I was angry. Somehow this has turned into life advice, which is not what I thought it would be, but anyway. It's okay to be mad at your friends and expressing it in the way the cast did is super normal and they will probably all go out for drinks; as a person who has never chilled once in her entire life, I think we should all chill.

#answered #Anonymous #sorry anon this got off topic #much like matt i think i'm going to go have a stiff drink in 1.5 hours #critical role spoilers

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distortionbobble · 2 years

Text

something in the orange (oneshot)

pairing: frank castle x f!reader

summary: you fell in love with frank castle almost twenty years ago. through the bad, through the good, you loved him. you were his best friend, after all. but after his death, and all the things he did as the punisher, you don’t know where you stand. (best friends to lovers)

warnings: minors (under 18) and ageless blogs dni! blasphemy (just a little bit), mentions of child abuse/an abusive parent, oral (f! and m! recieving), p in v, edging kinda? just general smut warnings and maybe a little angst at the end

word count: 12.2k

a/n: i worked on this for a very long time and i’m really really proud of it so i hope you guys enjoy! if you have any recommendations on how i could’ve built their friendship differently or what you wanna see more of lemme know. as always comments and reblogs are so so appreciated. thanks !

“I understand how you’re feeling.”

“No, you don’t,” the boy in front of you spits out. He’s tense, coiled in a way that you recognize all too well because it’s been you before. Aaron, the teenager in front of you, is one that you’ve been working with since he was arrested during a street fight that was unofficially linked to one of the many mafias that poison New York City. The court mandated that he would visit you every week, Friday at 3 PM, right after he gets out of school.

And you swear, you’ve been making progress with him. The first meeting you had with him, he refused to say a damn thing and the two of you sat wordlessly, staring at each other as you played your favorite songs from your little speaker. Every kid is different, you know that. You just gotta give them time to unwind. The first word he’d said was two weeks later, when you asked him how his day was and he responded with a gruff “fine”.

He’s really a gentle kid, even if he won’t acknowledge it. He likes art, likes to talk to you about art. The only reason he’s involved with the mafia is because the rest of his family is. Or was, you suppose. They were killed last Saturday, gunned down by a man who should’ve been dead a hundred times before his actual death.

Frank Castle.

~~~

“I know this is a little unusual, but I believe the circumstance calls for it, my dear. I’m hoping that putting you next to him, and, if you can, having you tutor him, will help his behavior quite a lot. You’re one of my best students, you know.”

Your teacher stared up at you expectantly, tapping her neatly manicured nails on the desk. The sound was jarring and loud, almost overstimulating as you blinked and considered her words.

Normally, you wouldn’t have batted an eye at the request. It’s the most normal thing in the world, putting the troublemaker and the golden student together to encourage compliance.

But Frank Castiglione scared you. Not that you had actually talked to him before, but his reputation preceded him. Hushed voices spoke of bloody knuckles that followed the fights he’d have with anyone that looked at him funny. It didn’t help when he came into class with a split lip and the fury of a starved tiger.

“Please,” Ms. Beck added, gaze still trained on you as you fidgeted with the hem of your shirt.

“…Okay.” You were reluctant, but you didn’t feel you had much of a choice. After all, you wanted her to write your recommendation letters for college next year, and if you turned this down, it could jeopardize that. Besides, it was only for an hour a day.

You spun on your heel and marched back to your desk. You forced your back to remain ramrod straight, hiding any trace of fear because if you showed it, Frank would eat you up. You stopped at his desk— your desk too, now— and swung your backpack onto the floor with a loud thud. You were adamant on not looking at him, but you felt his eyes boring a hole into your skull as you focused straight ahead.

Frank scoffed quietly and began to dig his pencil into the desk, carving his initials in jagged lines of graphite in the wood.

“Quit that,” you hissed. He paused, looking at you with his pencil still jammed into the desk. You turned to look at him now. You figured that if you were gonna interact with Frank, you could start off with having a goal for every conversation. The goal for this one was for him to stop fucking up the desks.

He was still staring at you, like he was confused. Confused on why you’d talk to him or why he shouldn’t damage the desks, you couldn’t tell. You ran your fingers across the surface of your own desk before you spoke again.

“Please.” He didn’t move. “Listen, I wouldn’t care if it was your own stuff. If you wanna draw on yourself, I’ve got a Sharpie in my backpack that you are more than welcome to monopolize. But these desks? Paying for them to be fixed, which the district absolutely will make them do, comes right out of the teachers’ paychecks. You don’t have to love Ms. Beck, but you’re better than fucking with her income because you wanna tell the next set of high schoolers that you were in chemistry.”

Frank’s eyes flicked to you before returning to his pencil, and you breathed a small victory exhale when he held out his palm for you to give him a Sharpie.

Ms. Beck spent the hour explaining how to balance equations. You made a mental note to study it all later because for some reason, you just couldn’t focus with Frank next to you.

You had to admit that part of the reason was because he was so damn attractive. His nose was crooked, with just a slight bump on the slope. You weren’t sure why you thought that was so cute, but you did. And his cheekbones, they were so defined. You wanted to know him, the real him that was hidden behind his facade of delinquency. You weren’t sure why you’d never seen it before.

“Hey, Castiglione,” you said right as the bell rang. He looked at you with a shade of irritation coloring his face, but at least he was humoring you. The glare in his gaze was enough to give you pause, but the mantra of recommendation letter running through your head forced you onwards.

“So I was thinking,” you continued, slinging your backpack onto one shoulder then the other as you walked next to him out of the classroom. “I don’t know how great you’re doing in chem, but I could use a study buddy. How about after school? At the library?”

“Okay. And don’t call me Castiglione.” Frank’s voice was gruff, like he hadn’t used it in a while. You hid your smile as you turned and walked to your next class.

~~~

2:30. The second that the minute hand kissed the six on the clock, you jumped out of your seat, grasping your French homework in your hands and stuffing it into your bag to get to the library quicker.

It was raining slightly as you jogged out of the portable to the main building, and you silently wished that it wouldn’t still be raining later when you were to walk home.

You collided into someone roughly as you turned the corner to the library. It sent you backwards, right onto your ass and you looked up to see Frank standing there looking guilty.

“Cast-Frankie, you weren’t planning on pulling a runner on me, were you?” You said with a mock gasp, laughing when his skin flushed and he mumbled out a sorry excuse for an explanation as he held out a hand to help you up.

You couldn’t help but notice how strong he was and how warm his hand was when he did. Frank pulled you flush to his chest, and you were so distracted by him that you didn’t realize you were still holding his hand after you were already up. You only realized you were still holding it when he cleared his throat, and you let go of his hand as if it burned you.

“Can we review, um, the stuff about the valence electrons from the beginning of class? Think I fell asleep that day,” Frank asked shyly.

“Only if you’re cool with me going over the stuff we learned today. I couldn’t focus at all,” you say, settling into one of the chairs at the library and pulling out your chem textbook from your backpack.

“Alright. As for the valence electrons,” you hummed, flipping through your notebook to a month ago, when school had started, “I like to think of the atoms as… sentient. Like they’ve got a goal and they want to do certain things, you know?”

Frank nodded, but you could tell he was unsure where you were going with this.

“Okay. So the goal is for a full valence electron shell. For hydrogen and helium, they both have a valence shell capability of 2 electrons. But for the other ones, they have an outer shell capability of eight. Atoms have a goal to react with things to try and balance out the number of electrons they have so they have a full valence shell. For the ones that are close to their goal, like the halogen family with fluorine, they’ll do anything. They’re desperate to get their goal, to get that full valence shell.”

“They’re slutty.” You snorted loudly at Frank’s words, covering your mouth as you giggled when the librarian angrily shushed you from the other side of the room.

Frank didn’t say anything, just looked at you with a hint of amusement tugging his lips upwards in what seemed like a smile. You didn’t think he knew how to.

You turned back to your books when you realized you’d been staring for longer than you could justify, but you couldn’t subdue the warmth that had risen to your cheeks.

“Okay, ahem, let’s… uh, valence electrons.”

~~~

The sun was set when you and Frank walked side-by-side out of the library. October’s rains were cold on your skin, and you cursed the fact that you’d forgotten a jacket and would have to walk home now.

“Well, I’ll see you…” you began, turning to Frank but he was already gone, “later.”

Your voice dissipated in the onslaught of raindrops and you couldn’t see much except for the glow of the street lights reflecting in the raindrops.

Maybe you’d imagined him, after all.

So you turned away, gripping the straps of your backpack and ignoring the way that the water runs down your back and plasters your clothes to your skin. The dampness of your skin and the cold that it brought made you acutely aware of your heart beating in your chest and you dreaded having to walk home right now.

You didn’t make it far before a truck pulled up beside you. Frank rolled down his window. “Get in,” he uttered. You quickly made it to the passenger side of his truck and threw your backpack onto the floor of the truck, shivering from the aftermath of the outdoors.

“Here,” Frank said, tugging his hoodie over his head and handing it to you. You catch a glimpse of the jagged lightning bolts and symbols that he’d drawn on his arms during class and you smiled internally, accepting the hoodie.

“Thanks,” you murmured. He nodded and stepped on the accelerator.

“Where to?” He asked. The car was silent, but you didn’t mind. The traffic lights above you lit up his face with red and the moment felt soft in your heart.

“Oh, um, it’s just straight on Parsons, and then turn right when you see the Rite Aid.” He hummed in response. “Frank?”

“Yeah?”

“I know I haven’t known you for very long, but you’re not… not scary. Not the way people say you are.” He laughed quietly at your words, like he thought they were funny but you meant it. Frank Castiglione, in the past couple hours you’d known him, had been nothing but quiet, attentive, and kind. Which didn’t match the image he’d built himself in your school. It was like he wanted people to fear him, just so they’d leave him alone.

“Thanks, I guess,” he mumbled. He gripped the steering wheel so tight you could see little abrasions in his knuckles as they turned whiter. “We’re here,” he said, pulling into your street. You muttered a quick thanks as you stooped down to collect your backpack and shifted it onto your lap, moving to pull his sweatshirt over your head before Frank’s hand settled on your shoulder. “You can give it back later, y’know.”

“Oh. Thanks, I’ll wash it and give it to you in school on Monday, ‘kay?” You said, hopping out of his car with a grin. “Should we meet up at yours on the weekend?”

Frank shook his head quickly and you tried to hide the way your smile faltered at his response but you knew he saw. He cleared his throat and looked down at his steering wheel before looking back at you. “Could we- could we do yours instead? Your place, I mean.”

“Yeah, of course. Works great for me, cos then I don’t even have to walk home. We could do that on the weekdays too, if you’re okay with that.” Frank nodded hesitantly, and you smiled back at him before swinging his door shut and running to your front door in the cover of the rain.

By the time you turned to wave goodbye to him, he was already gone.

~~~

“Aaron, it’s okay to grieve. Allow yourself to feel that, to sit with that. It’s not your fault,” you say, but the teenager shakes his head in frustration.

“You don’t get it. You didn’t know them. To you, all my family means is a bunch of criminals that got me involved in the mafia. You never knew the good. You don’t really mean what you’re saying, and I know it,” Aaron says bitingly.

“I’ve met enough people in my lifetime to know that there is good in everyone, even if I personally haven’t experienced it,” you respond coolly. Aaron squeezes his palms together and looks up, like he’s trying to stop the tears from building. You know he hasn’t been given the chance to work through this, to have the chance to grieve because to any mafia, death is just a part of the calling. It’s supposed to be a point of revenge, a source of raw brute strength, not a weakness.

But you don’t want Aaron to just be some kid who is inevitably stuck in the mafia, you want him to know that there’s a different way of thinking. To break free of that cruel machismo persona that is forced onto the young men of Aaron’s community.

You try to get through to him again. “How about you tell me about some of your favorite memories with them?”

Aaron looks at you, then at the paintings on the walls. You notice that it’s raining outside as Aaron swallows and decides what it is he wants to say.

“My, uh, my brothers. They’d come sit in my room when I was doing my homework— they were all older than me. They wanted me to stay far, far away from this stuff, but Dad thought it was better for my future to keep me connected, in a sense.”

Aaron looks up at you. He’s seeking your approval as he breaks it all down, piece by piece, until his grief is out in the open for him to take in all at once. You nod encouragingly, with all the softness and understanding you can muster.

“Yeah. Yeah, they’d come in and sit in my room while I was doing homework, even if they didn’t know what I was doing or studying. Sometimes they’d help me if they could, if I had any questions. They really cared, they really loved me, y’know?”

You nod at him, but your mind is far, far away, decades ago, next to a boy that used to do the same damn thing for you.

~~~

You couldn’t remember the last time you’d left your house for something that wasn’t school.

Even Frank’s study sessions with you, for the past four months, had been cut short. But you could feel yourself growing closer to him, the attraction you felt for him settling into the background as your friendship began to grow. And thankfully, Frank was really starting to get better at chemistry. You weren’t sure why he’d struggled so much before the two of you were studying together, because once he had a little bit of quiet to do the work and study, he didn’t even need you. You’d even wager that he knew the material a little better than you did. You couldn’t complain though, because studying with Frank was the highlight of your day.

It did suck, though, spending the weekends and late nights studying for the SATs. You felt like you were going stir crazy, and the equations scribbled on post-it notes and stuck on your walls only felt like they were starting to enclose on you. There was only so much you could study, anyways.

You bit back a scream and buried your face in your hands, chucking your pen across the room before standing up to pace back and forth. There was that story about the woman from the Victorian era, the one who went mad with the yellow wallpaper. You felt a little like her at that moment. You threw your window open, poking your head out into a crisp wintery evening and breathing deeply. Then you heard a familiar voice call your name out, and you turned to look in disbelief at Frank Castiglione standing in your backyard on frosty grass with a little plastic grocery bag in his hand and looking very, very cold. “What the fuck? Frank, get inside, it’s so cold out there!” You hissed, turning away to find some sort of rope or something to help Frank get in. But he scaled up the tree right next to your bedroom window and inched himself further into your window until he could swing himself into your room.

“Shit, lemme put my shoes on the bag so they don’t make your room dirty,” he muttered. You were still staring at him, gaping at him in total confusion when he turned to you with the biggest grin on his face and a shiny little CD that had your name written, all jagged and crooked, in Sharpie. “Made you a mixtape,” He offered uselessly.

“Frank, what? I have to study!”

“I know, I know. It’s just that you’ve seemed a little bummed out recently and I figured you haven’t been doin’ much outside of studying, cos hey, if you were doin’ it you’d be talking my ear off about it during our study sessions. So I, y’know, assumed. Sorry if I was wrong,” Frank rambled. You noticed he was doing that thing he got when he was nervous about embarrassing himself, rubbing the back of his neck and blushing like a tomato. You hid your smile behind the back of your hand as you marched over to him and took the CD from his grasp.

“Thanks. And I don't talk your ears off, your ears are very happy to hear me talking.” Frank snorted at your words, and you gave him the biggest, most genuine smile you could muster as you began to play the CD. “So, Castiglione.”

“Hate that name.”

“Even if it’s yours?”

“It’s never felt like mine,” he said, sitting himself on the floor next to your bed and resting his head on the mattress behind him.

“Why not?” you asked him, coming to sit next to him and mimicking his position. You could see the little glow in the dark star stickers that you’d put up when you were just a kid, from ages ago, and they still made you smile. You wanted to see Frank smile, you thought to yourself.

He shrugged, eyes trained on the ceiling as the fan spun its blades round. “Reminds me too much of my old man,” he decided after a while. “And I don’t wanna be him. Not ever.”

“What about Castle instead? Sounds kinda similar to Castiglione, so you could get away with getting people at school to adjust to it easy-peasy, but it’s your own name. Frank Castle.”

“I like the sound of that,” Frank said with a laugh, bumping your shoulder with his own before resting his head on yours.

“Alright, Castle. How’d you know I was in dire, desperate need of a break?” You giggled, kicking at his legs just slightly with your own. There was some part of you that needed this, needed to be next to Frank or just connected to him even in the most fleeting of touches.

“Mm. Been stalking you, of course,” he snorted, withdrawing from you just enough to flick your skull with his fingers.

“Shut up. You’re so annoying, y’know.” You didn’t mean it, and he knew that, which is why Frank laughed at your dispassionate dig.

“Was just joking. Knew you’d be up, anyways. You’ve been looking like a raccoon recently, and I know how stressed you get when there’s tests ‘n shit coming up.”

“Thanks, Frankie. How have things been outside of school?” You said, nuzzling your cheek further into Frank’s shoulder. You felt him tense up under you and for a second, you were worried that you’d pushed too far. It wasn’t meant to be malicious, though. You wanted to know that Frank was better than before, even if he smiled more around you and seemed happier overall.

He shrugged. “Same as always, I guess. You know my old man and I aren’t exactly close.” And you wanted to ask what that meant, but you figured it simply wasn’t your place. It didn’t seem like something that Frank wanted to talk about. Not right now, at least.

“My SAT is on Sunday. Two days,” you sighed, getting up from the floor. Frank stayed seated there, and you felt his gaze as he scanned you. You wonder what he saw, if he saw the tension in your back that you felt. Frank could read you like a book. You didn’t know how he did it but he knew you, sometimes better than you knew yourself.

“Alright, I guess I’ll head out then,” He said, but you shook your head as you sat down to study and turned around to face him.

“Stay. You can take a nap or something or just chill out—I’ll keep the music playing, I like the songs you put on the CD.” Frank nodded and flopped back onto your bed, and you returned to studying.

At that moment, your mom knocked on your door, calling out your name.

“I’m studying!” You shouted back, hiding a nervous laugh when you looked at Frank on your bed. Your parents would probably kill you if they knew that Frank was here. They loved him, but you weren’t so sure they’d love him in your room after hours.

“Sure. Tell Frank he can use the front door next time. And that we say hi and that he has to go home by eleven, ‘kay?”

“Will do, ma’am!” He called back. Your mother opened the door to look at the two of you and smiled, before she shut the door again.

“I can’t believe she knew you were here. And she didn’t wanna kick you out. How?” You laughed, tossing your pen at him and laughing when it hit him with an oof.

“Beats me,” he shrugged, stretching onto your bed.

You didn’t know why either. But you knew one thing: just having him near you brought you comfort. You didn’t know much, but you knew that you adored being around Frank Castle.

~~~

“What do I do now?” Aaron asks, swiping at the corners of his eyes as he cries. You hand him the box of tissues and he accepts them graciously, dabbing at his tear-stained cheeks.

“Death is a hard thing for anyone to come to terms—”

“No, not just their death,” Aaron interrupts. His voice is so heavy with grief that it hurts to listen to. “Castle’s death, too. I wish I could’ve found him and killed him myself, because I want him to hurt the way I do right now. The hurt that everyone he’s killed felt. And now he’s dead? That feels too easy, ma’am.” There’s that undercurrent of anger, sharp and unrelenting and you know it won’t go away, not for years, not for decades. It’s the kind of anger that you learn to live with, not the kind you let go.

It’s the kind of anger that you still hold for Frank Castle’s father.

You sigh, and rub your shoulders as you lean back. “Aaron,” you say softly. You’re worried that if you go about this wrong, you’ll lose all the progress you’ve made with him thus far. “There are people in this world that die painlessly despite all the hell they’ve put others through. And that kind of death isn’t something you move on from in days, or months. You don’t have to let go of your anger, ever, even if others try to force you to do so. So it’s okay to be angry, and to grieve, and to wish that—” you can’t bring yourself to say Frank’s name, you just can’t— “That the man who murdered your parents suffers a thousand lifetimes.”

“It’s not fair,” he bites out. You nod. “You’re right, it’s not. And it leaves us with no choice but to accept what’s happened, and to try and move on. Even if it hurts, even if some days are worse than others. You take it one day at a time and you hold onto that anger if it helps you keep going, but that’s what matters. Taking it one day at a time.”

Aaron’s gaze meets yours and you know, in the millisecond that he looks at you, really looks at you, that he sees more than you intended to show. He’s perceptive and he knows, somehow, that you hold the same anger he holds. But he doesn’t say anything, just exhales and a little bit of the tension leaves your body.

You don’t say anything. You’ll give Aaron the space he needs until he’s ready.

~~~

Ever since that night, Frank Castle had developed a habit of showing up right after dinner time, sneaking in through your bedroom window even when the door was unlocked. You’d told him that a few times, too, but he favored coming in through your bedroom window for some reason that you just couldn’t piece together.

The snow had fallen and melted, and the flowers had bloomed all in the time that you’d taken to become Frank Castle’s best friend.

You were on the phone with Frank, sitting on your bed with the home phone as your mom prepared dinner.

“So I’ll see you tonight, yeah?” You said.

“Get off the phone, I wanna talk to my boyfriend!” your younger sister whined from across the house.

“I’ll be done soon!” You shouted back. “Frankie?”

“Yeah. I’m lookin’ forward to it, I’m so excited to not have to use my brain for a couple hours.”

“Since when do you use your brain?” You asked jokingly, but as you did, you heard Frank’s parents yelling in the background.

He sighed. “Shit, I gotta go. But I’ll be there, just leave your window open like usual.” Then he cut the line, and you stared at the device in your hand, confused.

“I’m getting on the phone, I don’t care if you’re still talking to your loverboy or not!”

“He’s not my loverboy!”

~~~

You were reading on your bed when you heard the telltale shuffling of leaves and branches that signaled Frank’s arrival.

“Hey MTV, welcome my crib,” you giggled, not bothering to look up from your book when you heard his feet thump into your room. But when Frank was silent, instead of laughing how he usually did, you got up in concern to see him standing there with red-rimmed eyes and an ugly purple bruise on his cheekbone, sniffling quietly as he wiped his eyes with his sleeves.

“Frankie?” You asked, rushing to his side and wrapping your arms around his middle as he cried.

“I- oh, God, I just, give me a— a minute” he stammered out, crying into your shoulder as he sank into your embrace.

“It’s okay, Frankie,” you said, holding him tightly. “You don’t have to talk. I’m here for you.” His shoulders shook and it lit a cold fire inside you, because Frank did not break like this. Frank was a force of fucking nature and to see him shaken like this was like seeing the ocean brought down to its knees. It was wrong. And you’d make whoever hurt him like this pay. They’d see hell at your hands, that much you could promise.

Frank remained with his head tucked into your shoulder long after the strength had left his body and he could cry no longer. But he held onto you still like you were his strength, like he would fall apart if he let go of you.

“Was my dad,” he said finally. Frank’s voice was rough with the force of his sadness, scratchy and thick in his throat. “He found out I skipped church this Sunday and decided that he needed to remind me of everything I’ve ever done to let him down. How I’m not as good as Anthony, never will be. Always the black sheep of the family. He decided to throw me around for good measure, so I fought back. Knocked him out and I came running to you. Like a coward.” He sounded so defeated that you couldn’t help but draw him closer to you, like your arms could protect him from the cruelty of his father.

“You’re no coward. He should never have laid a hand on you, Frankie, I’m so sorry. Do you want me to grab some frozen peas real quick?” Frank shook his head, arms wrapped around your torso and squeezed you a hair tighter.

“No, I can deal with it. He does this a lot.” With that, it all clicks in your head— the rumors of all the fights, the little scars on his knuckles, the split lips he used to sport. It was his father abusing him this whole time. You wanted to crush his father’s windpipe for hurting Frank, and watch the life fade from his eyes. And you wanted to cry, just thinking of all that Frank had endured, but you needed to be strong for him. So you held back your tears, and kissed his head to give him all the love you had.

“Frankie, your father cannot force you to join the priesthood or join the parish or however you say it. Know that no matter what, the choice will stay in your hands. And you’re not the black sheep. Not to me. You’ll never be anything less than your own wonderful, dynamic, caring person. You’re Frank Castle. Your father had no right to use the mistakes you might’ve made when you were younger against you. Plus, everything you’ve done so far is to keep him happy. You're so smart and he just doesn’t see it, he doesn’t see you but I see you and I love you, Frank. You’re my best friend for a reason,” you said softly. Clumsy words tumbled out of your mouth, but you needed Frank to know that his dad’s words were bullshit.

“I’m sorry for coming here like this,” Frank whispered.

“Don’t you dare apologize. Not for this, not to me.”

“Will you distract me?” He asked you, an inkling of hope coloring his tone. You smiled softly against his skin but didn’t let go. He’d been hurt tonight. And for as long as you’d let him, you’d shield him from the world and help him glue back together the pieces of himself with a smile on your face. Frank was your safe place, and you wanted to be his safe place too.

“So, uh, Jake asked me out,” you started, staring at the ceiling. You didn’t really like Jake like that, but he was cute and sweet and you thought maybe you could have a fun date with him. Besides, you couldn’t keep pining after Frank. After months of friendship, you were pretty damn sure he didn’t see you like that and confessing would just ruin what you had.

“Really?” Frank asked, lifting his head up to look at you. There was something you couldn’t quite place on his face, a look that was familiar but not on Frank’s face. You dismissed it and nodded with a soft smile. He was your best friend, he’d be happy for you, right?

“I dunno, he’s nice, I guess. I said yeah, so we’re going to the movies Friday night.”

“Didn’t he take Marcy to junior prom?” Frank asked, rolling himself off of you to rest on his back next to you.

“Yeah, but he’s not into her. He told me that they’re just friends and y’know how it is when everyone in the friend group is going together.”

“Oh,” Frank said blankly. He didn’t look at you, just traced the little stars in your ceiling with his finger and made constellations only he could see.

“Will you help me choose an outfit?” you asked him. You felt like he was mad at you and you hated that. You didn’t mean to sound so desperate but you’re sure Frank could sense it. He always did with you. And there was that part of you that you tried so hard to bury all the time, the part that wanted him to confess to you that he loved you. But he didn’t, so you forced yourself to ignore the way your heart wanted to stop time to sit next to him for all eternity.

“Yeah. You said it’s Sunday, right?” He said. You were sure you imagined the gruffness in his voice just then but the thought vanished entirely from your head when Frank looked at you. His lips were tugged into that lopsided smile that made you feel like your heart was gonna burst from your chest, and how could you think of anything else when you saw him?

For a minute, you want to tell him. Fuck Jake and the movies. The words sit light and sweet on the tip of your tongue, IthinkI’minlovewithyou, but you bite your tongue and wish that now was forever.

~~~

You’d called Frank halfway through your stupid date with Jake.

Jake had taken you to a drive-in movie theater, which had sounded romantic at first but had resulted in you losing your virginity in the backseat to a guy who was too sloppy to even care about whether you felt good or not.

Afterwards, when you were pulling your panties back on under your skirt, he’d flipped down his driver’s side vanity to look at himself and asked you to keep this whole thing “quiet” because he really liked Marcy and was planning on asking her to be his girlfriend.

And then he’d asked you if he should drop you off at home. Your hair was mussed up and lips swollen from his rough (and awful) kissing, so you shook your head and told him you’d just watch the movie from the front seats near the projector.

Instead, you’d walked off to the entrance of the park when Jake had driven away, and called Frank asking him to pick you up.

You saw him now, the lights of his truck a beacon of sanity after what you could safely classify as the worst first date experience you’d ever had.

“You look rough,” Frank called out to you once he was stopped right next to you. You threw open his door and climbed in with a scoff, rubbing your face with the palms of your hands and ruining the already messed-up makeup.

“Frankie,” you whined, tilting your head back to rest on the headrests.

“You got your lip gloss all over your face, dummy,” Frank said after a beat. You tried to wipe it off with the back of your hand and looked at Frank for his approval. He shook his head and brought his hand to your face, swiping the lip gloss from your cheek and under your lips. The tip of his thumb ran across the skin on the bottom of your lower lip, and you swore his eyes were trained on your lips before he withdrew his hand.

God, you wanted it back.

“Thanks,” you whispered.

“Alright, where to now?” Frank asked you, speeding as he got the two of you out of the park.

“Can we just… drive?” You asked, rifling through Frank’s CD collection before selecting the identical copy of the one he’d made for you seven months ago. “Didn’t realize you had this in your truck. Attaboy, Frankie,” You said to him with a wide grin.

“Attaboy?” He laughed. The stop lights and streetlights were all a blur as he drove, and you felt all of your troubles melting from the warmth that was Frank.

“Fits you, I suppose,” you hummed, lost in the music that you’d listened to so often thanks to Frank’s CD.

“I like that. I’m taking that now,” Frank laughed.

Frank didn’t ask you questions about your bad date until you wanted to talk to him about it. He was sympathetic when you told him, and while he could’ve said I told you so, deservedly, he’d kept it locked up until you said it yourself, and then he laughed at you and agreed. But strangely, you didn’t really care about your bad date, or losing your stupid virginity to a stupid boy. You cared about being in this car with Frank.

You cared about Frank, that’s all.

~~~

A myocardial infarction.

That’s what the doctors had told Frank when his father sat down after dinner with a chest ache and never opened his eyes again.

It seemed too easy to you, too peaceful for someone who had been so abusive in his lifetime. Why did he get it so easy? He didn’t deserve that, he deserved to rot in jail until the taste of sunshine was a forgotten memory to his skin.

Mr. Castiglione’s funeral was a solemn affair. He’d been on the police force, and some of his old coworkers were in attendance at the funeral. Dressed in all black, you wondered what they were mourning. Did they know the outlet of his anger? Did they ignore the concerned calls from the neighbors because they knew whose house it was?

You stayed by Frank’s side the entire time. Your family had been more than understanding, cooking enough to feed Frank’s family too to support the Castigliones in their time of mourning. You knew the bastard didn’t deserve the mourning, but after his father’s death, Frank had been… concerning.

He stood now, above his father’s grave in the rain long after the last bit of dirt had been shoveled on to the grave. When Frank spoke, his voice was gravel and broken glass.

“I kept waiting,” he said. Then he fell silent, and you let your head fall onto his shoulder as he stared blankly at the fresh dirt. You held an umbrella above the two of you, even when your arm ached from the effort of keeping the two of you dry. Mostly to keep Frank dried. That’s what you were concerned with. “Kept waiting for him to be my dad. And it never came. I’m— I’m glad he died. He can’t hurt me anymore, not six feet under.” You looked down to see Frank’s fingers clenching the fabric of his coat. You didn’t know what to say, so you just nodded quietly.

Frank fell to his knees with a thud, still staring blankly at the ground. You knelt down to his level, still maintaining the umbrella over his head. You’d keep him safe however you could, you decided. Frank dug into the dirt with his hands, disturbing the grave as it settled and just… held it up to his face. Then he tossed the dirt to the side, disturbing the orderly appearance of the monster’s grave. “Husband, officer, father,” he muttered angrily under his breath. “A failure in all. A failure in life. Husband, officer, failure.”

You didn’t know what to say. You wanted to nod, but you didn’t know if this was a burden that would be more painful to share than to shoulder alone. But you wouldn’t let Frank be lonely. You thought of the bitter man, whose heart had been filled with such poison that it simply gave way. You hoped that his last moments were excruciating, that every nerve was alight with pain and that he regretted every breath he’d taken in his damned life. Wishful thinking.

“He taught me how to shoot a gun,” Frank said. His voice sounded robotic, hollow. You turned your head to face him, and brought your free hand to his cheekbones to collect the teardrops that fell. “Taught me to throw a punch, taught me how to make a bruise go away faster. Everything of violence, everything of hate.” He got to his feet, and you mimicked his actions silently, arm stiff from the weight of the umbrella.

Frank looked at you and silently pushed your arm down. You dropped the umbrella as you looked into his solemn eyes, and Frank took your hand in his own as the rain swallowed the two of you whole. You felt invisible with Frank Castle. The rain washed clear the grief on his face, and he gave a bitter smile before he walked away from his father’s grave with his hand still holding yours.

~~~

“Thanks for listening, ma’am,” Aaron says, shrugging on his jacket as he gets ready to leave your office.

The two of you had spent the hour working through all the good memories Aaron had with his dad and brothers, and though Aaron still carried that unshakable grief on his shoulders, you could tell that it was a little lighter.

“It’s what I’m here for, kiddo.”

He smiles at you before he heads out of your office, and you close the door.

You felt a smidge of guilt deep inside. The little things that Aaron had mentioned today had brought Frank to the forefront of your consciousness, but you knew that wasn’t him anymore. No, Frank had gone from your best friend to murdering people just because they got caught up in the wrong side of things. And it had hurt Aaron, which haunted your thoughts when you saw Frank’s face in your mind.

The last time you’d seen Frank’s face was the mugshot they’d broadcasted on the news. You could still see traces of the old Frank, the one you’d loved as your other half, but it was all fragmented pieces in a man that had lost far too much.

You shake off the thoughts of Frank and try to turn your focus back to your work. Aaron was your last appointment of the day, and you’d done anything else you needed to do on your break between clients.

You spend the next twenty minutes updating Aaron’s files— going through what worked with him, and the initial anger that he showed up with. And when you’re all done with your work, you pack up your things and turn the lights off, ready to walk the five blocks to get to your apartment.

You’ve always liked walking. Tonight, the smog of the city is a little lighter and you feel sharp, alert. You hear thunder clap in the distance as the skies begin to pour down on you but you don’t mind the rain, not tonight. You don’t bother to put on a jacket or grab your umbrella, allowing the rain to drench you. You feel warm still, despite the downpour as you walk home.

~~~

It felt like senior year passed by in a blur.

Frank didn’t like to talk about college applications much, so you really didn’t ask, but it was something that loomed over all of your heads. What would you do after high school? What career did you want to go into? It all seemed so daunting, but there was comfort to be had in knowing that everyone was going through the same dilemma.

Frank’s parents still thought he was gonna become a priest. The two of you had realized that it was safer to let them think that, so he kept his mouth shut and quietly saw the end of his religious career. Frank was too hot-headed to be a priest, anyways. When he saw Jake sometime in the middle of senior year, he’d slammed the other boy into the lockers until you’d tugged the side of his hoodie and muttered to him that it wasn’t worth the hassle.

Jake wasn’t the only boy you’d slept with, anyways. You had slept with some from your high school, and some from others. They all had two things in common: they were all very unsatisfactory, and none of them could make you feel how Frank did.

Frank, on the other hand, was the same as always. He had asked you if you thought Maria was into him once. You’d responded with a firm no, jealousy in your heart and hot on your tongue as you attempted to quell the feeling. You hadn’t been able to look at another boy since he’d asked that question, because in case he felt the way you did, you didn’t want him to go through the pain of seeing you with someone else. You didn’t want to see him with anyone else.

Frank spent almost every day at your house, sneaking in through your window every time. It was almost a running joke in your family, how Frank would “sneak in” even when the front door was unlocked. He was like your counterpart, going where you’d go and even in your loneliest moments, you weren’t alone, because you had Frank.

Time had passed quickly. The only regret you’d had as the year passed was that you hadn’t befriended Frank sooner, because the time you had with him felt altogether insufficient. You’d gotten into a college nearby, where you planned on studying psychology and seeing where that would take you.

Frank still hadn’t told you what he was gonna do after this. You figured he’d continue with whatever his parents would finance, and as much as you hated the thought, you didn’t know what else he could do. All you could do was trust that Frank had it handled, and if he wanted your support you’d be there before he could even finish asking the question.

Frank Castle was your best friend. He was also the person you dreamt of before sleeping, the one you called when you were happy or sad, the first person you’d share anything with, the one you turned to for comfort, the one you wanted to kiss so desperately that it felt like you couldn’t breathe sometimes.

As the school year had wrapped itself up, the two of you found yourselves skipping prom— “it’s stupid anyways, we could just slow dance in a parking lot and have way more fun”-- and getting matching tattoos of your bedroom window to immortalize your friendship. And then you slow danced in a parking lot, stiff and awkward with the bandages of the tattoo still bulky and the pain just barely radiating as you sang some top 30 hit and Frank twirled you around, humming what he could.

You were leaving for college tomorrow. There was an unspoken tension between you and Frank now, now that your date to move out was so close. Of course, he promised to visit and you promised to call every day, but there was something heavier still. You both knew everything was gonna change, and you hated that. Deeply.

Frank was next to you on your bed now, tossing your pillow in the air and singing along to the radio that you’d put on. You thought he had a beautiful singing voice. You knew he’d been playing guitar for a while, but it was rare for him to be singing like this.

“You sound beautiful,” you blurted out, then turned your head to hide the warmth that singed your cheeks from the impulsive compliment.

“Nah,” Frank chuckled, slinging an arm around your shoulder and bringing your temple to his lips to press a fleeting kiss to your skin. You wished you could get it tattooed. “You’ve got a pretty voice, though. Sing with me?” He asked, swaying your intertwined bodies softly as he continued to hum. You joined your song with his, a clumsy and intimate chorus for just the two of you as you savored the time you got to spend with Frank. “Attagirl,” he said lowly, looking at you with the shadow of something you saw so often on his face nowadays.

And all the emotions that you’d hidden in your dark bubbled up uncontrollably, maybe because of the warmth of Frank’s arm or the heat of his gaze, but your tongue was clumsy and loose and you felt yourself opening your mouth before you could even think to stop yourself.

“I’m in love with you,” you said abruptly. Frank’s body relaxed against yours as he looked at you in shock, blinking at you as the two of you processed what you had just said.

“What?”

“No, no, fuck, I didn’t mean to tell you that,” you panicked, getting up from your bed and backing away from Frank.

“But you meant it.”

“What?”

“You said you didn’t mean to tell me that. But you meant it.”

“Fuck, Frank, does it matter?” You urged, pressing the heels of your palms into your eyebrows.

“Yes, it does. Are you in love with me?” He asked. Frank’s voice was low, and it made it hard for you to read him. Tears pricked at your eyes as your body internalized the panic you were feeling. You felt frozen but Frank’s proximity forced you to spill out the truth, a frantic yesohgod that you wish you could’ve trapped on your tongue instead.

Frank’s big palms met your jaw softly, holding your face in place as his thumbs ran over your cheekbones. “Now ask me what I feel,” he said.

“What do you feel?” You whispered. Your mind was blank from Frank’s touch, and the only thing you could process was the softness and warmth of his skin against yours.

“I’m in love with you.” He said your name, sweeter than a prayer, and brought his forehead to rest on yours. The tip of his nose just barely pressed against yours, and you could feel the warmth of his breath against your lips. “I’m in love with you, and I have been for a very long time. I love you. I love you.”

You whimpered softly and you weren’t sure if you wanted to cry or kiss him. It was almost too much, and the frustration of knowing that he’d loved you this whole time was enough to drive you mad.

“Can I kiss you?” You asked, eyes still closed as you soaked in the radiance of being this close to Frank. You felt him nod against you, and that was all the confirmation you needed to press your lips against his. You wished he’d been your first kiss, because all the other boys you’d kissed just couldn’t compare. His lips were soft and hesitant against yours, and your noses collided as you tilted your head to kiss him deeply. You withdrew to catch your breath, and then pecked his lips softly, smiling at him as you guided him to lay down on the bed next to you.

It was familiar, something that you’d done a million times before, and as you brought your lips to Frank’s you couldn’t help but think about how kissing him felt natural. His fingers gripped the hair at the back of your neck as you sat up to keep kissing him, teeth just barely clashing against each other as your tongue met his. You were vaguely aware of how he tasted like cinnamon as you kissed him.

His hands found their way at the hem of your dress, toying with it as the two of you kissed. You paused and pulled it off, leaving you in just your underwear. Frank raised a brow at your state of undress and pulled his own shirt off. The little cross necklace he still wore gleamed in the light of your bedside lamp, and you rubbed it between your forefinger and thumb gently. Frank flicked his brows up as if to say, what now?

You straddled Frank on the edge of your bed and bent to kiss him more. His lips were addictive, molded perfectly to yours, ebbing and flowing against your motions. Frank wrapped his arms around your torso and pulled you flush against him, the skin of your chests only separated by the flimsy fabric of your bra. The force at which you kissed him made it hard to breathe but you didn’t want to breathe, you just wanted to kiss him over and over again until he was sick of you.

Frank’s fingers ran up the length of your spine until they rested at the nape of your neck, where he toyed with the clasp of the necklace you wore. It was the one he’d bought you for your eighteenth birthday, and you wondered if he knew that. You placed a kiss on his nose, the one that you adored so much, and let out a soft giggle at Frank’s shocked expression.

“Oh, c’mon. You know how much I adore your nose.”

“It’s big,” he said with a frown, moving his hand to cover it when you pulled it off and kissed the bridge of his nose some more.

“It’s beautiful. I love your nose, Frankie,” you breathed out, kissing his cheeks and his forehead before twisting to kiss his pretty jaw. As you moved from his jaw to his Adam’s apple, he rocked his hips upward to meet your aching center. You both groaned in unison, and your teeth caught on the skin of his throat as your breath hitched in your throat. The fabric of his jeans was rough on your exposed flesh, providing friction as you ground your pelvis onto his bulge.

“Fuck,” he groaned, and you brought your hand up to cover his mouth as you continued to rock back and forth.

“Quiet, Frankie. You don’t want anyone to hear us, baby,” you teased, biting his pecs and dragging your free hand down the expanse of his chest. You traced his v-line with your nails, smiling when you felt him gasp sharply against your hand. “Just tell me how far to go, ‘kay?” you asked, pulling your hand away to kiss his sweet lips.

“How- how far can we go?” He asked, trembling under your hands as you traced the details of his face with your fingers, still grinding on him through layers of clothing.

“D’you want me to show you? I don’t wanna push you too far.” Frank was frozen under you, and you understood what he was feeling. It was hard to think when you were this close to one another. You smiled and pecked his lips, then ran your fingers under the waistband of his pants. His breathing pattern changed in response to your motions, and you decided that the sound was addicting. He was addicting.

“Do you want this?” You asked, dragging the tip of your nails on his skin as you tugged his pants down an inch. He whispered a yes and that was all the confirmation you needed to drag the rest of it down, kneeling on the floor next to your bed. You rose and pressed a kiss to the inside of his thigh, his bare skin hot on your lips. Then you bit it, lightly, enjoying the way his pale skin flushed when you nipped at it, and soothed it with kisses. You repeated the process on his other thigh, moving up his legs until you were at the rigid lines of his hips.

Frank had a hell of a v-line. He had a hell of an everything, that was a different matter, but you couldn’t stop yourself from pressing your tongue on the bones, following the curve to where his cock stood. His tip was wet with beads of precum, and you traced under his pink tip with your tongue before wrapping your lips around it. You traced the tip with your tongue, smiling to yourself when Frank’s hips involuntarily jutted up deeper and he groaned. You took Frank’s hand and placed it gently in your hair, where his hands gripped your hair as he tried his hardest to stay still.

It was adorable how gentle he was trying to be. None of the others were like that, but none of the others mattered, did they? So you shifted your focus to Frank, who looked oh-so-pretty as his composure crumbled with his cock in your mouth. You swirled your tongue around the tip before you bobbed your head down, pressing your mouth down on the ridges and veins of his length. It was thick, so much so that it was difficult to take him into your mouth any further, so you replaced your mouth with your hand and licked the base of his cock, working up his shaft.

You worked your hands quickly over his length, hollowing your cheeks around whatever length you could fit in your mouth and rubbing his balls with your hands. Frank let out a choked gasp and you could feel his balls tightening in your hands. You were sure he was close, so you pulled away and ignored the pitiful whine he gave at the loss of your mouth as he neared his climax.

“There’s a condom in my bedside drawer,” you hummed, draping yourself over his bare body. “If you want, we can use it. Only if you want, baby.”

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah, let’s do that,” he gasped, propping himself up on his elbow and blindly reaching to open your bedside drawer. You reached in and grabbed the little foil wrapper and moved to tear it, but Frank shook his head furiously and pulled your hips forward. “Lemme make you feel good,” he said. Little pinpricks of heat settled at the back of your neck and your breath hitched in your throat. “You don’t have to, y’know,” you said. With all the boys you’d slept with already, not a single one of them had bothered about how you felt, about making you feel good. But Frank did. Of course he did.

He eased your hips to his face, where you hovered right above the heat of his mouth before his hands shot up and pulled you directly onto his mouth. His tongue began to explore your cunt, using just enough pressure to drive you insane as he circled your clit before sliding down to thrust his tongue into your hole. When your breathing shifted, a soft whine threatening to break out of your mouth, Frank did it again until you were stifling your moans with your hand and riding his tongue. Frank alternated between sucking on your clit and dragging his tongue back and forth, leaving you dripping into his mouth from the overwhelming pleasure as he drove you closer to your climax.

The cords of muscle in your thighs drew taut, and you pushed yourself away from Frank’s sweet mouth and grabbed the foil that lay on your comforter, tearing it and easing the latex condom onto his length. “I wanna feel you,” you said, moving to straddle his legs before easing yourself onto his cock. Frank let out a guttural groan when his tip met your warm cunt.

He was warm and the familiar stretch left you breathless as you eased yourself onto Frank’s cock. He was girthier than anyone you’d fucked before, and it took a minute for you to adjust to the sensation, your velvet walls clenching around his member as you took him in deeper. You bounced yourself as you eased yourself down, fucking into him until you were seated with the backs of your thighs pressed against Frank’s hips.

You rose slowly, then bounced your body back down onto him, enjoying how full he made you feel and the way his cock dragged against your g-spot as you rode him. You were slow, at first, but when you sped up and grabbed his hand to press against your belly where you could feel Frank’s cock, he growled and flexed his hips upward.

Then Frank flipped your joined bodies entirely, using one swift motion to lay your body down while he was still in you.

“Is this— is this okay?” He asked, kissing your forehead as he waited, still buried to the hilt inside of you. Your wordless nod was all the confirmation he needed, and he bottomed out of you before driving into you with a punishing force. You intertwined your legs behind his back and drew him in closer, soft moans leaving your mouth as he fucked you. The cross of his necklace dragged from your collarbones up to your mouth as he leaned over to kiss you, and you bit down on the cold metal to stifle the sounds of pleasure that threatened to spill out as you were brought closer and closer, the coil in your belly making your entire body lock up as your face screwed up in pleasure.

Oh. You never understood the hype about sex, finding it to be inadequate every time that you’d been fucked, but it all made sense now. This was what you needed.

Frank brought his hand to your clit as he continued to slide in and out of you, the metal of his necklace warming up as it still sat on your tongue, and the clink of it against your teeth made Frank look down. “Dio,” he swore, flicking his fingers against your nub as you tightened around his cock. You were close, so close that you wanted to sob. “You look beautiful,” Frank stated, and the way he said it, you would’ve thought he was looking at an angel.

You shattered. Your back arched as he drove deeper into you, seeking his own release as you fell apart with him buried inside of you. “Attagirl,” Frank said, and it only intensified your orgasm. You shut your eyes so tightly that you saw stars, moaning softly as Frank finished at the same time as you. He began to rise away from your body but you brought your arms to bring him back to you, holding him against you so that you could feel his heart beating against yours. Skin and bones and muscle held skin and bones and muscle, and you felt content.

“Baby, I gotta get up,” he laughed into your skin quietly.

“In a minute,” you murmured, stroking the skin of his back gently. “You were perfect, Frankie,” you assured him. Then you let go of him, and he moved to collect his clothes before grabbing your clothes and putting each one on gently, kissing you after every piece he put back on you.

The sun was beginning to rise as you snuck out to the bathroom to pee, washing up and splashing your face with cool water before you returned to where Frank sat at the edge of your bed. His hands were clasped in silent prayer, and you let him finish before he turned to you and gave a smile full of longing.

“You’ll be gone soon, huh?” Frank asked. You nodded. You didn’t know why you wanted to cry right now, but you did, biting under your lip to hold your composure as you realized that you would have to leave Frank. “Hey, hey, don’t cry, don’t cry,” he said, getting up to cradle your face with his palms and kissing your forehead. “You’ll always have me in your corner.” You could feel his lips moving against your forehead, and you held his shirt in your hands as you breathed him in silently. “I’m glad we got to spend tonight together.”

You didn’t have the strength to respond so you just nodded, fit tightly with Frank as you waited for the sun to rise, when Frank would inevitably have to go. You were leaving soon after the sun rose, all your clothes already packed in the suitcases lined up at the door.

So when the sky turned to its light grey hue, you kissed Frank goodbye and watched him fade into the day with a feeling in your heart that told you this was far from over.

~~~

You’re being followed.

Have been for the past six blocks. But that’s not new, it’s something that’s been happening for the past three days. For however long Frank Castle’s been believed to be dead. But you had this gut feeling that it wasn’t over, that he wasn’t really dead.

And judging by the man who’s trailing you in the shadows, you’re right.

You reach your apartment complex, and when you’re walking up the stairs, you pause, squinting in the rain to see the shadowy figure.

“Well?” You ask, annoyance lacing your tone. “Are you gonna come in?”

He steps into the light of the streetlight, and you feel like you’re staring at a ghost. Frank Castle’s face shows all that he’s been through, and you feel a pang in your heart just thinking of everything he’s gone through. You don’t hold his gaze, turning to grasp your key and slotting it into the lock, swinging open the door with Frank on your tail.

Hell of a reunion, you think to yourself, snorting in dreary amusement. Frank glances at you, but he doesn’t say anything. He feels more like a shadow than a man, and you pay him no mind. When you’ve unlocked your door and let yourself into your apartment, you head to the kitchen without sparing him a second glance. “What kinda tea do you like?” You call out to him, cracking your neck and setting the kettle to boil.

“Just black tea is fine, thanks,” he responds. You hear him shuffling— likely taking off his rain-soaked jacket— and then a thump as he settles into your living room sofa.

“Can I ask you why you were following me?” You ask. Your hands are gripping the counters tightly, because your head is throbbing with confusion. You don’t know how to act around him anymore, around this man that once meant more than air itself.

“I wanted to make sure you’re safe,” He says stiffly.

“From what?”

“I’ve made a lot of enemies. With the right digging they’d know exactly who was involved in my life, ever. I couldn’t let you pay for my mistakes,” Frank says. His voice is low and you have to strain to hear him over the hiss of the kettle as it finishes boiling. You pour the water into two mugs, attempting to balance them as you make your way to Frank.

When you hand it to him, you finally get the chance to look at him. There’s some stubble from days of growth that sits on his face, making him look weary. You suppose he is, who wouldn’t be? And in his eyes, there’s a hollowness to them. The product of a never ending cycle of loss.

“I was sorry to hear about Maria and your kids,” you decide, setting your mug down on the coffee table and leaning back onto your sofa. “She was always kind to me, and I’m sure your kids were lovely.” You can see the pain flashing on Frank’s face as you bring up a wound that’s still raw, one that’ll probably never heal.

“Thanks,” he says gruffly. The mug looks almost comically small in his large hands, and you almost smile at the sight.

“Where have you been staying?” You ask, draining the last of your tea before getting up to adjust the pillows of your sofa. You have a sneaking suspicion that Frank’s been staying on the streets, and you simply can’t allow that to happen.

“Just, y’know, around,” he says, avoiding your gaze. You shake your head, and head to your linen closet to fetch some clothes.

“Why don’t you go ahead and freshen up? You can stay at my place for as long as you need.”

“I can’t let you do that,” Frank protests.

“I wasn’t asking. You’re going to stay at my place. I’m not letting you stay out on the street, Frank.” Frank. He was never Frank to you, always Frankie. The name feels foreign on your tongue, but you don’t think you can call him Frankie. That’s not him anymore. “So what now, Castle?” You wonder if he notices that you aren’t calling him Frankie. He’s not your Frankie anymore, and there’s a part of you that mourns the loss of your friendship.

“Why?” It makes sense for Frank to be suspicious. He’s been through too much, but there’s still a bitter taste in your mouth when Frank hints at his distrust towards you.

“You were my friend once,” you say quietly, handing him a fresh towel and directing him to the bathroom. “You’ll always mean something to me. Now go shower, it’s been too long since you’ve taken a bath and it’s painfully obvious. Washer’s over there, I’ll toss your stuff in, and it’ll be done in a little.”

The two of you jump into motion and as you hear the shower starting up, you feel the guilt eating you up inside. You shouldn’t be harboring someone that’s caused so much pain. But hasn’t he also suffered? You make up your mind to talk to him, adjusting the sheets on the couch and arranging it so that Frank could sleep here for a night or two.

Frank comes out not long afterwards, steam billowing out from the bathroom with a towel slung low across his hips. You curse yourself for not being able to resist the sight of his bare chest, mind flashing back to the night you two shared as you sit in silence next to him.

“Frank,” you say finally, “I need to talk to you about something.”

“What is it?” The look on his face is grim. You wonder what he’s thinking.

“I understand what you’re doing with the mafia, and frankly, I don’t really have an issue with you killing them like that. But all you’re doing is fueling the fire.”

“What do you mean by that?” Frank asks hotly. You’ve offended him, great.

“I mean that you have good intentions. But what I’m seeing in my job? Your efforts are only making the next generation of kids feel that vengeance and anger and the mafia is the only outlet they know. I’m saying you gotta refine your targets and take out who actually can influence these things instead of going in blind and killing them based on who they associate with alone. You wanna prove a point? Fine. But you’re better than making things worse just because it’s what you’re used to.”

“And what would you know about me? You gave up on me, gave up on us.” You scoff at Frank’s words.

“Really? Really, Frank? I came home from college two months after I went to college. You hadn’t written me a single letter or called me even once and I thought to myself okay, he’s busy. Then I come home and Maria’s knocked up with a ring on her finger and you’re nowhere to be found. What’s with that, huh?” You sneer. The chime of the dryer lets you know that his clothes are done, but you’re locked in this battle with Frank.

“Because I needed to get out!” He’s nearly shouting now. “I’d expect that you of all people would understand that. And Maria, she was just a mistake at first. Sure, I grew to love her, but her pregnancy was the result of a one night stand and I couldn’t just leave her. I was gonna be a father.”

“I know, Frank. It was all such a mess and I don’t blame you for any of it,” You said, rubbing your temples. “But don’t say I abandoned you. Don’t. I called you, and you never picked up. I was always glad you found happiness but it hurt that you cut me out when you did.”

“I’m sorry,” he acknowledges. But the apology feels hollow, and all you do is nod in response. “I’ll be more careful with who I target. You’re right. I can’t just keep worsening things for my own revenge.”

“Thank you,” you whisper. The two of you sit in silence before Frank moves to get his clothes, and you head to your bedroom door, where you linger before turning to see a fully-dressed Frank.

“I’ll always care for you, Frank, and there will always be a place for you in my home. And when you need a break from fighting, I’ll be here. Just don’t shut me out again, please,” you plead. Frank closes his eyes and nods, and you know he feels the same pain over how things turned out. A future lost to what-ifs.

When you wake up the next morning, there’s not even a trace of Frank, save the flowers he left on the table for you and a note with just the word sorry scribbled on to it. You don’t know when he’ll be back, but you know deep down that he will be back. And you are left certain of two things; you hate him, and you desperately want him to come back.

#frank castle #frank castle smut #frank castle x female reader #the punisher #the punisher smut #frank castle x reader #smut #fic #friends to lovers #frank castle friends to lovers #marvel smut #distortionbobble's fics #my writing

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kurolini909 · 27 days

Text

About me!

This might be sudden, but I'm working on a Master Post and thought to include this section. ^^

Who am I?

Hello everyone, I'm Kurolini909! An artist, character creator, aspiring designer, writer and storytelling enthusiast!

Nickname/URL;

My current URL (Kurolini909) is an extension of my former one (Kuro909), which was based on a cat character from an anime I enjoyed when younger!

I decided to extend it so that it would be a bit less generic. The current one plays a little with the letters and sound of my actual name which I will not be revealing. The numeral does not have any particular meaning.

Former Online Presence;

I was originally better known as an Undertale content creator, though I'm attempting to deviate from that now. I still love the game and fandom, but I want to explore different medias and also develop a bit on original projects and pieces!

Undertale was the very first major fandom I actually joined - I had experience with the Warrior Cats fandom before that, but not in regards to actually producing content - back when I was a pre-teen. I immediately fell into the shipchildren, shipping and Alternate Universes corner of the community, and assumed that was just what you were supposed to do over there.

I sorta had no idea what I was doing with fandoms back then, so... Yeah. I recognize that this foundation ended up making a huge part of my online presence and there's not much point not acknowledging it whatever I'm into nowadays.

I created a few ship children, but no longer feel attracted by that niche in fandoms and am more inclined to make OCs within the universe unrelated at all to actual characters, or just Original Characters altogether. It is unlikely I'll create anything similar again. I very much love the personas I came up with and developed in that time though, and they might be repurposed into their own separate things at some point.

Additionally, the people I met through creating these characters and participating in that part of the fandom are all lovely and incredibly talented. I made a ton of remarkable friends I don't think I would have interacted with otherwise, so I'm quite fond of that period!

My Current Content;

Currently, I find that I'm happier not restraining myself to one specific content type anymore. I will post whatever I'm in the mood for, which I'm hoping will bring a lot more variety into the blog.

I'm prone to hyperfixations, and the likeability is that my content will come in waves of whatever media I'm inclined to at a time. I do not, however, make any commitments to stay posting that in the long term. As I said, my content will vary according to my current interest.

Interests;

When I enter a fandom, I rarely actually leave it.

I think everything I ever liked just sort of goes dormant for a while to give way to newer interests until nostalgia peeks my attention back to it, so I thought it was worth mentioning some of the media I enjoyed consuming and creating content for, and still do from time to time!

Transformers (several continuities, mostly Prime and MTMTE), Avatar: The Last Airbender, Pokémon, The Dragon Prince, Hazbin Hotel & Helluva Boss, Good Omens, Warrior Cats, Books (generalized), The Owl House, Five Nights At Freddy's, Hollow Knight, Animes and cartoons (generalized).

I believe that's it!

I'll be making a couple more text posts like this one to add to that Master Post I was talking about, but for this one, thanks for sticking around! ^^

#kurolini909 #text post #about me #for my masterpost

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plasmaapologist · 1 year

Text

...just realized i left my introduction in the drafts. oops. at least i have a better photo now.

my names tula, and i'm a registered pokémon nurse with a horrible tendency to ramble. i live in unova and do some work here, but i mainly travel to other regions for this.

i am a former member of team plasma. former. my username is ironic because i cope with humor.

i ran away from home at age 14- it's a long story - and ended up being indoctrinated in. i, like many others, were lucky to have a sort of "snap to reality" moment after ghetsis' first arrest, before the formation of neo plasma, but not before i spent 10 years of my life working for him. many people are shocked by how open i am about my experience, but i think its extremely important to talk about these things: if i could help just one person leave this cycle, or keep someone from entering it, then it would make the shame worth it.

i have dedicated my life to helping pokémon, as a way to attone, i suppose. my darling solosis, mini, travels with me, though i must admit she's quite the spoiled brat. to have such an innocent creature love and trust you is the most healing experience someone can ask for, and i acknowledge that i was so very lucky. i had a home to return to, i was able to find work despite my history, and physically, i bear only a scar on my back and a missing finger... also just so we all know i am a natural ginger and i am not going to dye my hair please stop asking thanks

feel free to ask me any questions you may have: about pokemon, about myself, or my experience with team plasma, any of the sort. and if you need help leaving neo plasma or a group like it, please shoot me a message, i'll give you all the advice i can.

- tula ☆

ooc and admin info:

hi! im cassini, im 21, and i have not rpd since middle school. please be nice

im okay with joining events and plotlines! but i do not know how to join in naturally and get too embarrassed to ask. please shoot me a message/invite! muse list bellloowwwww tulas info

im not lore compliant at times and am even willing to bend (most) of my own headcanons bc multiverse and the likes! very flexible in general

okay more important tula things:

- sapient pokemon interaction is okay! tula will generally believe them. shes seen weirder. legendaries will be met with much more scrutiny, but kindness.

- i keep her age purposefully vauge for "pokemon timeline makes no sense" reasons, but you can generally imagine her somewhere between 26-30, probably.

- shes been through a lot and often copes with humor, which means she tends to come off the wrong way a lot of the time

- though open about her time in plasma, she doesnt like talking about how it affected her

- she speaks before thinking and often posts in bursts do to this

- she has a pretty shitty memory

MUSE LIST:

Timeline 1:

Tula Gagnon - @plasmaapologist (OC. 📍Unova. Birthday: January 1st)

Callisto Aoki - @cherishcherubi (OC. 📍 Kalos. Birthday: October 25th)

Iolana Kealoha - @teamskullkalos (OC. 📍Kalos. Birthday: April 12th)

Timeline 2:

Mari Pijotto - @marifromkoto (OC. 📍Paldea. Birthday: December 18th)

Katy - @patisserie-soapberry (Canon. 📍Paldea.)

Atticus - @navisquadatticus (Canon. 📍Paldea.)

Larry - @medali-gym (Canon. 📍Paldea. Half joke blog.)

Robin Lusk - @absolsrenegade (OC/Self Insert. 📍Unova. Birthday: July 5th)

Timeline 3:

Timeline Unknown:

Grise (Hilda Lewis) - @driftingtrainer (Canon. 📍 Vagabond. Birthday: October 5th)

Rochelle Ichihara - @basaltpowder (OC. 📍Hoenn. Birthday ??? )

Barbie & Ken: @championbarbie-swimmerken - (It's fucking Barbie. Yeah, the pink one. 📍 Everywhere. She's Barbie. Birthdays: March 9th, March 11th)

Ice - @rottenice OC. 📍Primarily Sinnoh, but travels a lot. Birthday: December 21st. Please read content warnings in the pinned post.

Miki Nakajima - @nakajima-lgm OC.📍 Johto. Birthday unknown. Please read content warnings in the pinned post.

@galacticfoundation - Team Galactic AU blog.

@twotoypokemon Pokémon Rumble based blog. Sapient Pokémon OC. 📍Axel Town

#yes. i was a platoon leader and had a sword.#yes. i do still own it. its good self defense when you dont have a pokemon who likes fighting.#pkmn irl #rotomblr #unreality #pokeblogging #[admin note: tulas current age is purposefully vauge for “pokemon timeline makes no sense” reasons]#[also i'm totally fine with your character having some beef with tula due to her... past employment. it does fit her character :)]#[if you have any questions for admin feel free to ask in the comments!]

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laniemae · 2 months

Text

About the situation at hand and why I responded this way

[important please read]

Ok, so as you know I have been in a really dark mental state. A couple days ago I saw a post about a ship which really triggered me and I got extremely upset. Things escalated quickly and I ended up sending hate mail to the person who the post was dedicated to (and has been a problem in the past) and acted outwardly violent on my blog.

I’m sorry for what I did. I was in a really dark state at that moment and couldn’t think of anything else to do, and was so scared. I had felt this was the end for me on tumblr so I decided to go all out. But now I’m still here, and I have to deal with the consequences of what I did.

I really want to talk about how this all happened and why I reacted like this and thinking about it a lot I think I understand why. I have really bad reactions to the ship 0709, but really thinking about it it’s not the ship itself that much. Even though I think the ship is really creepy by shipping a young adult with someone who’s almost middle aged, I don’t care about ships much. In a normal situation I wouldn’t of responded this way. Let me explain.

The original incident started at the very start of the year in the second gartic phone game that was hosted. Someone did a prompt of the ship and I got very uncomfortable. I started getting really stressed and had to quit the game. I talked about my distaste on my blog and how I was feeling. Eventually someone replied on my post saying that the ship was totally ok in this creepy positive tone instead of acknowledging how I felt. I will not go into the specifics of the person who started this as I feel like it’s rude.

But some background, a part of me hated this shop because it reminded me exactly of some other creepy ship in a fandom I was in 3 years ago. I expressed my discomfort for it and was constantly dogpiled and harassed by so many people. Lots of the comments did not acknowledge how I was feeling or tied to reason, and instead replied on this creepy positive way of “it’s ok because…”. In a way that attitude was much worse than the actual hate I got and that experience lead me into an incredibly bad mental state, and is probably the reason I don’t trust people that much online.

Now the comment I received had exactly the same tone as everything that happened back then, and I started freaking out. This was no longer about the ship itself, it had became personal.

To say it again, in any other circumstance I wouldn’t of reacted this way. The ship itself and people’s responses to it made so that 0709 wasn’t just a ship I disliked, but the embodiment of all my fears in this fandom and that one experience online 3 years ago.

Things escalated and it kept getting worse. The idea of the ship itself had long gone and it was more so about what it symbolised.

Now please, to anyone else my attitude seems like I’m just some silly anti who sends hate mail, but this situation has become personal and detached from any sort of shipping.

That one post for Valentine’s Day a complete set me off. Things had been brewing for a long time, especially when I had to leave for a week. It felt like a personal attack, not caring about my situation at all. And I guess that’s where I snapped.

After everything I’ve become extremely paranoid of everyone. Every like on that post or support felt like a swarm of people hating me and out for my blood. I know I have acted irrationally, and because of that I believe I am irredeemable. All I want is to safely return to the fandom and have things be like they were last year. Where I can laugh and make theories and art and talk about the series I love so dearly. But I’m so scared I’m too far gone.

It feels like everywhere I go people hate me. People have been treating this situation in a way that frames me as just some anti. It’s like a game to them. Or perhaps that’s just me being paranoid, as now I can’t tell my fears from reality. So many people have blocked me and I just want to tell them how extremely sorry I am for everything. And even that actions heightens my fear of being hated by people.

I have acted awfully in this situation. I have always been a social isolate and I have never ran into a situation like this where I felt like so many people hated me and I was stuck. And to a point where I knew these people and how it got personal. I had no idea how to respond to a situation like this and I guess even though I never wanted to, ended up resorting to violence.

I just want to say how sorry I am, and hopefully you can forgive me and everything can return back to normal and be happy.

[if you see this, please reblog this. I want people to know about this situation]

#milgram #I’m so scared no one will see this post as I haven’t been getting much attention lately #I know there have been people who have reached out to me but I feel like I will never be the same here if it isn’t the majority #I want people to reblog this so my message can get across #I’m really sorry and wish things could change for the better #Tag to find stuff

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i-amyou · 2 months

Note

Not an ask, just some scattered thoughts:

Oh? What was I doing just now? Reading their blog posts?

'Learning'? For what reason? Better yet, WHO is 'learning'? What is there to do, what is there to gain? Why am I even writing to them?

Ah.

I've created such a beautiful play. That is my nature. I forgot about it, just so I could make the play even more entertaining. You know what is undeniable? I had to wake up. It had to happen. it's written all over me. Such a world cannot exist without me. Everyone needs me, for there existence only relies on me.

Yep. Only me.

So who is this me we are talking about? It doesn't matter. You may give it any label or meaning you want. It is all the same.

Even now, as I am writing to them, I acknowledge just how beautiful it really is. I went this far to make up all these concepts, rules, laws, hell, universes if you wish to go that far in depth, to make it as real as possible. Now I realize just how boundless I truly am. Let's be real though, I knew from the very beginning, I only loved entertaining the idea of being something that I was not.

So many beautiful people. So many wonderful worlds. So many wonderful ideas and concepts. I love it. I love me.

This is my peak!!

And so, my story ends here. No need to fret though, it is time to make way for a new and exciting adventure! I've been building up a world from scratch for quite some time now (or so it may seem, hehe), but there is no need to think about time anymore. It is there. I am there. It's been there all along.

Thank you my beautiful self, I bid you farewell.

Tranquility and Beyond.

I love you. Seriously. I experienced overwhelming joy and love when I read this. I'm so happy for you, beyond happy. I can't explain what this made me feel. Oh god. It all really is so beautiful isn't it?

Have fun with your adventures, dream a good dream and have lots of fun with it. Sending all the love and tranquility to you🩷

Also, when you said it's your peak it reminded me of this scene from One piece. And I was just reading manga rn😭

(Yes I screenshot my favorite anime scenes)

#ask #nothingness #consciousness #awareness

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didalexiabreakupwitholgayet · 21 days

Note

Hi :) your blog is so good , I love these deep dives you’re doing, thanks for answering and sharing all your deep lore knowledge.

I’m so curious about the culture around queerness at Barça and in European women’s soccer in general. It seems like only a few players are loudly out (Mapi’s coming out being a whole thing like 5 years ago), but that a ton of other players have come out in more discreet (and maybe plausibly deniable) ways.

I’d imagine many don’t speak about it publicly bc they don’t want to attract even more hate or “distract”from the cause of women’s football. But to me it feels like the elephant in the room on some level, bc I’m sure at least some of the cultural pushback they face is because so many of them are gay, but no one really talks about it out loud. (That i've seen.)

In my understanding Spain is legally quite supportive of lgbt rights but that culturally, the catholic influence and machismo remnants remain strong. And football culture in general seems super homophobic—like the comments on the fcbarcelona post a couple months ago for a lgbtq+ day of support were vile.

I am so curious about the super-specific subset of player relationships that develop in that weird combination of repression(?) and normalization. It seems like riding the line of discreetness and being obviously super queer could cause tension between players or partners, but they all seem to handle it at least well enough to keep playing together. Like, how do they do that? Are there like, rules of conduct? Do they all just agree to not talk about their partners and how those relationships impact the team? do exes just have to get over it really fast and in silence? like.. I know it’s so classically lesbian to be friends w your ex but also sounds hard to not acknowledge breakups/heartache being part of how a team functions. (Especially when everyone thinks you’re moving on with another teammate @ Lucy & Ona 👀)

Idk, maybe I’m just a water sign lol and maybe these conversations are happening behind the scenes. But it makes me wonder if Barça has like, hired relationship counselors bc this seems like a lot to handle alone.

Just interested if you have any thoughts, I know it’s not really an answerable question. Thanks again in advance!! <3

oh wow, thank you and thank you for your long message. you raise so many interesting points to unpack.

queerness at barça/european football - honestly, i think your questions/comments are not specific to spain/barça but are questions to be raised across the entire world of futfem/woso. because barça is comprised of staff from all over spain, not just barcelona, and has players from all over the world, who are bringing their own cultures, biases, backgrounds into this environment.

i just don't think there are that many players *anywhere* who are the out and proud types like megan rapinoe or even magda/pernille with their hangOUT show. it's more so people living their lives and not making a big deal of it, kinda like sam kerr/kristie mewis, mapi/ingrid engen, and alba redondo and her gf. and it may also be a generational thing too. where younger players like cata coll just casually and nonchalantly mentions she has a gf when asked to show her phone lock screen or jill roord and jana fernandez post vacation tiktoks with each other and family members.

and at the same time, barça and the spanish national team have a very high percentage of gay players, especially compared to uswnt, canada, etc. so i don't think it's spanish culture that's necessarily dictating things one way or another.

locker room dynamics - again, i don't think this is specific to barça because there are teams with even more intra-squad relationships (cough*arsenal*cough 😂).

at the end of the day, these are professionals and you have to act in a professional manner and set boundaries if players from the same team are dating. and you have to learn to compartmentalize and not let your personal life affect your performance on the pitch. and if it does, then it's important to speak up and take time off or remove yourself from that situation (as we have seen players do from time to time as well). so i highly doubt barça has hired relationship counselors because these players are (mostly) adults and can handles themselves as adults.

if nothing else, barça is made up of some of the most hypercompetitive people ever 😂, and they are not going to let squabbles or exes interfere with the main goal - winning that quadruple!

#woso #futfem #fcb femení #espwnt

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pradame · 1 year

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Hi, I love your blog!💓Do you have advice for young women (20s) to grow into themselves and build self-love? Especially if they have low self esteem? Also congratulations on your bundle of joy🤩

hi, thank you love 💕💓

yes I have quite a few that I’ve shared before!

Confidence 𝘛𝘪𝘱𝘴: 🎀

Be yourself. And if you’re still trying to figure out who that is, engage in hobbies and activities that you enjoy. Find what your calling is and you’ll learn a lot about who you are.

Read self improvement books, watch Ted talks & listen to podcasts.

Learn from others, take notes and educate yourself. Build your craft. I find myself feeling on top of the world when I test my capabilities.

Surround yourself with people who uplift and carry the same positive energy as you.

Pamper yourself! Get dressed up even on days when you aren’t doing anything.

Invest in clothing that compliment your body.

Upgrade your sleep and lounge wear. I love how I feel in silk robes and lingerie.

Take days off. Spoil yourself to a nice self care day. Nails, hair, massage, coffee, lashes, eyebrows. Do whatever makes you feel and look more beautiful.

Repeat your self affirmations 7 times! Write them down on a sticky note and stick them to your mirror if you have to.

Release & remove the people who bring you down.

Work out & Exercise!

Acknowledge your achievements and celebrate your accomplishments

Become okay with not being liked by everyone. Loving yourself should always be your main priority.

Don’t seek for outside validation. If your actions aren’t hurting anyone then who’s to say what you could and should not do!

Except your flaws though your creator makes no mistakes.

Stand up straight with your head held high. walk and talk with confidence.

do what brings you pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment. put your all into the things you love and enjoy doing.

doing these will help you build confidence. As they did for me on my journey to self love. 💕

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runwayrunway · 9 months

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No. 29 - What is the Flag Carrier of Brazil?

In part two of what is at this point going to be a three-part post, let's look at some history, which happens to include a bunch of liveries, on a quest to answer the question...well, it's the title.

We've talked a lot about flag carriers on this blog. I believe, quite emphatically, that flag carriers should have particular considerations when designing liveries, which I've discussed in my Icelandair post. After all, these are a point of national pride, at least in theory. This is one of the reasons most countries have them, and I've mentioned the US as a rare exception. The United States have never had an official flag carrier, and this persists to this day.

But what is the flag carrier of Brazil?

I asked this question on my recent questionnaire. I got a lot of answers. This one was my favorite.

But aside from that, the answers I got were all over the place, and only one of them was correct (while a handful of people did know the correct answer for Switzerland). In fact, the majority weren't real airlines, and none were airlines that currently exist. In order, the most common responses were:

An explicit admission of not knowing

Some variant of "Brazil Air" or "Brazilian Airlines" (not real, has never been real, at least not as anything except a lengthened official name to an airline which goes by something else, i.e. Azul)

Things that are just totally silly, like Green

Airlines that were real, but no longer operate, specifically one guess of TAM and one of VARIG, the latter of which was acknowledged by the submitter as being defunct

Embraer, which as far as I can tell does sort of fit the same spot for Brazil as Boeing does for the US

Rainforest Airlines (not real)

"Something Portuguese", which was a fair bet and I wish was true (you would have been right if you'd gone for the reliable Latin American answer 'an abbreviation', though)

The correct answer, from an actual Brazilian: is this a trick question?

Yeah, Brazil...doesn't really have a flag carrier, not in a way that matters. But 'what is the flag carrier of Brazil' has been an interesting question for a while now. So it doesn't have a flag carrier - what does it have? To answer that question, I first have to answer another one. It hasn't always been this way. So...where did Brazil's flag carrier go?

Founded just a month after Pan Am and slightly before Iberia, VARIG (Viação Aérea Rio-Grandense, Rio Grande Airlines) was Brazil's first airline, its largest, and its main bridge to the rest of the world. In short, its flag carrier.

Well, technically, VASP existed too. I feel like people forget about VASP. Viação Aérea São Paulo (São Paulo Airlines), known better as VASP, was founded in 1933 by the state of São Paulo.

They flew this awesome-looking plane, the General Aircraft Monospar.

Since São Paulo is nowhere near the ocean, they used only landplanes, which was pretty unusual for the time. Early on this meant they were using dirt airstrips and 'airstrips', presumably just some grass that had airplanes landed on it until it got all smushed down. Eventually an airport was built to accommodate them, though.

São Paulo–Congonhas Airport (CGH/SBSP) is Brazil's second-busiest airport. It is known for its gorgeous terminal building and being one of the most dangerous airports in the world due to crowding and runways which become unnervingly slippery with even the slightest rain, which contributed directly to it being the site of Brazil's deadliest air disaster. It now has a very low cap on operations and no longer serves international destinations, but that might be VASP's single biggest contribution to history - an airport that caused a mass casualty event after VASP had already stopped flying. In its defense, landing at Congonhas was still probably nominally safer than putting a 737 down in an empty field, and tore up the landing gear less.

VASP was pretty dominant domestically for most of its history (while VARIG was essentially the only international airline), until it entered an incredible death spiral. The decline began in the 80s, in a way I would not describe as an incredible death spiral. That portion was initiated when VASP was privatized, attempted to expand into international destinations, gave up on that within a decade, stopped flying altogether and existed only to provide maintenance for other airlines, and then went bankrupt in 2008.

I prefer its livery to VARIG's, I think. I like that they didn't promptly shift the wordmark all the way forward like a lot of airlines did, and I like their shade of blue, but I sort of miss the old blue stripes. I mean, jetBlue could try that on for a tail? Still, always quite simple. It has one or two things I'd call 'features' in every iteration, but it never goes above a C- for me.

So, yeah. I would feel like I was omitting something if I didn't at least mention it, given it was a nationalized carrier and a huge chunk of Brazilian aviation history. I just feel like everyone forgot VASP the moment they went out of business, and that almost makes me sad.

Oh, well! There's other airlines.

Like VARIG! I feel like VARIG's older tramline blue livery was somehow pretty iconic despite being deeply, deeply generic. It does the layered, multicolor cheatline thing Lufthansa did but with blue-on-blue, which I actually quite like, and indeed this does feel a bit like a monocolor Lufthansa of the time period. I'm unsure if I actually think it's iconic because I'd be able to pick its old livery out of an identity parade or just because it was massive, but I'm going to just give it a C, I think, which would probably be higher if I were alive in the time period, but I don't believe I was. Let me know if you know anything I don't on the subject.

Their modern livery (designed in 1996 by the prolific Landor Associates) was also pretty alright. I like that weird little inexplicable divot, feels like it keeps me on my toes - not an airline I can rely on straight lines with! Nice legible wordmark, gold contrasting symbol (though I think they could have done something on the main body with it), it's all nice, it's all cromulent, C airline. This was designed at a point where full white fuselage wasn't done to death the way it is now, or I'd be harsher, but it feels a bit like beating up a corpse, given the rest of this post.

VARIG was Brazil's only real international airline for literal decades. It existed until 2005, other airlines gradually cropping up to chip away at its monopoly, until it finally went under and was restructured into two companies. One, the judicial successor known colloquially as "old VARIG", became the quickly-defunct FLEX Linhas Aéreas, which lasted all of another five years; the brand, meanwhile, was given to "new VARIG", which was purchased by GOL Linhas Aéreas Inteligentes.

GOL haven't been using the VARIG brand, which I generally think is the better move when it comes to acquiring old trademarks; better to build something new than attempt to resurrect something dead. Besides, they have their own brand, using the unusual color scheme of grey and orange and with a very memorable and simple logo (though it does look a bit like it says GOOL).

Judging by the reactions of a couple Brazilians I know in person who I told about this airline, the name is a love letter to Brazilian culture. Flag carrier material? Well, let's pause. How do they look? Are these planes a country can be proud of?

I like the loops a lot. While I prefer the scribbly feeling of the old GOL wordmark (the first two planes pictured) I think the new livery (immediately above) is an improvement in every other way, namely a somewhat clever solution to the Detached Tail Syndrome problem. I like how the wordmark is centered on the fuselage, and the fact that there are loop details on the winglets as well.

And, honestly, people underrate how hard it is to make a design like this look good consistently from different angles, but I think this does. I like it.

Do I wish there was more orange and grey and less white? Yes, but do I think it uses what little color it is very well and is more than the sum of its parts? Also yes. This could definitely improve a lot but it's very well thought out - just think even more outside the box and you'll get there.

B-. I like this, even though orange is my least favorite color and doesn't feel like it should go with grey at all. Good job, GOL.

Even though new VARIG wasn't the same company, surely it was part of VARIG, so this would make GOL its successor? That does make sense, hypothetically, but isn't how it shook out. For one, GOL is a low-cost carrier, which flag carriers usually aren't, particularly because LCCs tend to fly shorter point-to-point routes. (In 2019 GOL was Brazil's largest domestic airline with nearly 40% of the market share, and its third largest international airline, with nearly...four percent.)

The second, and I think potentially more damaging event, one which kept it in this mostly-domestic state, was a codeshare agreement with Portuguese flag carrier TAP Air Portugal falling through. TAP is a major international airline which flies basically everywhere within A330 range of Lisbon and which I constantly see as a codeshare option on flights to places that are definitely not actually in Portugal. GOL is the sort of airline I'd call...nominally international, in that it does fly to other countries, but those countries aren't particularly distant. They fly to other destinations in South America, a few in the Caribbean, and also Florida. It would be tricky to manage anything else given their all-737 fleet; they seem to have owned and operated 767s for just long enough to realize that this 'being a flag carrier' thing wasn't going to work out for them. TAP? They fly to South Africa, Venezuela, Norway, Guinea, Macau, Montreal - basically everywhere, including eleven destinations in Brazil. GOL flies to 17 countries in total. This was followed up with a failed attempt to join oneworld which also fell through for some reason or another, after which GOL said 'well, that's fine, we didn't want to be part of an alliance anyway' and then just went back to minding their own business domestically and making heaps of money, while the last vestiges of even new VARIG became thoroughly extinct to the point that I didn't know GOL technically had the trademark until maybe a month ago.

TAP did codeshare with a Brazilian carrier, though, one of the other three largest in the country.

If you feel something ominous building up, sense a certain presence...

No. Stop smirking, David. You won't be involved in TAP until 2015. At this point in the David Neeleman timeline he was still at jetBlue. Wait, does this make TAP jetBlue's step-sister?

To be totally honest I think by force of branding alone Azul Linhas Aéreas Brasileiras should get to be the flag carrier because clearly they want it and nobody else does, but they have the same issues GOL does and given David seems to have moved on I can't imagine that changing anytime soon. B+ for the Brazilian flag livery, by the way, that looks awesome.

No, this post is not going to become about David Neeleman, it's going to become about TAM Linhas Aéreas.

TAM originally stood for Táxi Aéreo Marília. The airline was later named TAM – Transportes Aéreos Regionais, and operated a subsidiary called Brasil Central Airlines. When restrictions on destinations for domestic carriers were lifted in the 90s this subsidiary rebranded to Transportes Aéreos Meridionais. You may notice that this means there are two TAMs, owned by the same holding company (only distinguishable by their differing IATA codes, KK and JJ - they even had the same livery).

They solved this issue by just becoming one carrier, TAM Transportes Aéreos (with the code JJ). They tried to buy VASP, didn't manage to buy VASP, and then sort of became the flag carrier anyway.

I hate TAM's livery because I like it but also hate it. They did the Lufthansa straight-tail back when that was a major innovation over Detached Tail Syndrome, I like the way the trim on the tail goes all the way over the top of the rudder and widens as it slopes down, I like the little bird on their wordmark a lot, and I love the red and white with just a hint of blue. This color scheme is just fantastic. My only criticism is that they stopped and forgot to do anything with the rest of the plane.

I mean, like, it looks okay, right? This looks fine?

Hmm, okay, flattering angle, still looks decent-

NO NO NO PUT IT BACK WHITE TUBE WHITE TUBE WHITE TUBE-

This livery looks so phenomenally back-heavy despite the huge wordmark. This is an A321. This isn't even a long-looking plane by any stretch of the imagination. I'm going to say it outright: this is why you paint your engine cowlings.

C, but the concept is good!

There's a lot to work with if you just commit to the bit! Given the timeline we're working with, TAM would actually probably be overhauling their livery sometime around now...you know, if they still existed.

TAM got the codeshare deal with TAP. TAM joined Star Alliance. After VARIG went under and GOL dropped the bag TAM became Brazil's de facto flag carrier. They were full-service, flew to Europe and North America, and they had the Brazilian flag on their planes, which were registered in Brazil. They became the largest airline in Brazil. Then the largest in Latin America.

Average state of Congonhas pre-2015, assumedly back when it was still allowed to land international flights.

They were also rated runner-up for least safe airline in the world by the Jet Airliner Crash Data Evaluation Centre in 2013.

...what a note to go out on, huh?

For a few years now, something has been building, far from the prying eyes of those watching the liveries of the planes taxiing by them. Soon the parasite inside TAM will burst out, and the largest country in South America will no longer have an airline of its own.

Something very big is about to happen. Something which casts a shadow over all of Latin American civil aviation.

#tarmac fashion week #grade: c #grade: b-#latin america #region: brazil #varig #vasp #gol linhas aéreas inteligentes #tam transportes aéreos #azul linhas aéreas #double sunrise #flag carriers #low cost carriers #questionnaire 1 #neelemanverse #special liveries #what is the flag carrier of brazil?

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