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pippytmi · 2 years

Note

if ur still taking them #13 with supercorp for the prompts

It’s just past five in the morning when Kara blinks awake without knowing why.

She has become used to the sounds of early-morning commuters pattering through the halls, the rhythmic beeps of cars being unlocked downstairs, the coffee maker in the kitchen hissing like it always does when Lena uses it; at first she used to resent her roommate and all other early risers, but now she’s been able to sleep through it like nothing. So it puzzles her now, to be awake for no reason, and especially this time of morning.

“Kara?” comes a sudden whisper, and okay, that makes more sense—Lena sometimes has to wake Kara up whenever Kara accidentally blocks her car, and at this point Kara has maybe-sort-of become attuned to the sound of Lena’s footsteps. Even subconsciously, it seems.

Kara immediately sits up, unsuccessfully hiding a yawn behind her arm. “Hey, sorry, give me a second,” she says. Sometime during the night she’d swept the blankets half off the bed, and as a result she all but tumbles out of bed.

Lena is biting back a smile when Kara catches up to her in the doorway; her hair’s just a touch wet the way it always is after a blow-drying session, her makeup soft and pretty in the light of the hallway, the one that only has two bulbs instead of the usual four because the landlord keeps on making excuses not to come by.

“What happened to being up in time for a drive before the sun rises?”

“Did I say that?” Kara’s head slowly begins to clear, and it dawns all at once; it’s a Saturday. “Oh, shoot. The traffic!”

“Somehow, I think we will survive,” Lena says, and she brushes aside her damp hair and tilts her head down the hall. “I just wanted to make sure you were up. I’m going to pack for the ride if that’s okay?”

“Yeah, of course.” Kara reaches to adjust her glasses but realizes she’d forgotten to grab them in her haste to get up. “So is that a definitive no to the—”

“Nope, absolutely no flying,” Lena calls over her shoulder without so much as a pause, and Kara grins.

Kara has brought Lena to Midvale with her every holiday since they were roommates in college, and even though it’s been a few years since they graduated, the tradition has stayed—and so has Lena’s insistence that she will never, ever allow Kara to take her flying. (She cites a fear of heights, but Kara will forever argue that if Lena hadn’t been drunk the first and only time they tried, she might not have thrown up quite so much).

Today isn’t so much a holiday as it is her grandma’s birthday, but Grandma Danvers loves Lena more than half the family anyway; Lena had been the one to even receive the invite, and Grandma Danvers had lovingly penned at the bottom “bring your roommate if you want, I like that Kara girl” with a smiley face that Kara had taught her how to draw.

In any case, it’s still early enough to beat the morning rush, and Kara uses superspeed to cheat in getting showered and dressed. She also finishes packing everything into the car before Lena even has time to ask, including the half-packed snack bag that Lena is filling. Lena gives her a flat, unimpressed glare in response like she does every time Kara shows off, and Kara laughs because she knows Lena really doesn’t mean it.

They’re on the road before the streetlamps are even out, and as easy as it would be to fly to Midvale, Kara also really likes their drives—Lena plugs in her phone and makes Kara listen to whatever she wants, and she’ll idly tap along on the seat while Kara belts out her best Stevie Nicks impression. And as the drive gets long, Lena will dutifully hold a bag of chips so Kara can drive with one hand and snack with the other. It’s a system that just works, and one Kara would be content with for the rest of her life, probably.

(Not that she spends a lot of time thinking about that. Or anything.)

“Oh, Alex is calling,” Lena announces as they’re nearly halfway there; she’s been playing whatever games Kara has, while her own phone remains faithfully cycling Fleetwood Mac’s entire discography. “Hey Alex. Yeah, we’re on our way, sorry we didn’t come up last night but I was working late. Yeah? What about?” A pause, steady nodding, and then a sharp scoff. “Shut up, no she didn’t.”

“What?” Kara asks, but Lena pays her no mind.

“You are a liar,” Lena says. “Do you have me on speaker? What sick, twisted bet do you have running?”

“What’s happening?” Kara tries again, admittedly a bit more concerned now, and Lena does not spare her a single glance before she smacks Kara on the shoulder. “Ow.”

“You did not feel that,” Lena spares a single ounce of attention to say. “And focus on the road, please.”

“I am,” Kara grumbles, but she stays quiet as Lena finishes the conversation she was meant to be having with her sister.

Lena hangs up without so much as a goodbye, which must mean this is serious. “Alex says hi,” she huffs.

“…and is that all she said, or—?”

“And she’s being an ass,” Lena adds, as if that clarifies anything. “Apparently, your grandma was talking her ear off last night about us.”

“Us? You and me, us?” Kara casts a quick glance in Lena’s direction to gauge her expression, but it’s hard to tell; Lena has an uncanny ability to appear stone-faced, a habit she’s developed in order to keep her sanity whenever it comes to work.

“It’s my fault.” There’s a crack in demeanor there, not visible, but in the softening of Lena’s voice. “I was talking to your grandma last week about a surprise we had for her birthday.”

“Her present?” Kara and Lena had decided on a joint gift: a certificate naming a star for the Danvers family. It was the kind of gesture Grandma Danvers would adore, and it’d been a stroke of genius on Lena’s part. “What about it? Don’t tell me Alex had the same idea.”

“She wishes.” Another tell of Lena’s mood is the way she begins to fidget, the sound of the drum of her fingernails against Kara’s phone case ringing clear as “The Chain” fades out. “I guess your grandma is expecting the big surprise from us to be that we’re together. Like, as a couple.”

Kara has always prided herself on being a rather unfazeable person, but that—that is enough to make anyone choke on air. “Uh,” she stammers, “and is that—that’s something Grandma wants?”

“The way Alex said it, she’s about to throw a wedding on the spot,” Lena grimly replies, and Kara pales.

“Oh.” She mechanically switches lanes as they merge onto the final highway of their journey, mind racing all the while. And as if compelled, her eyes keep drifting back to Lena, who has turned to face the window. Lena’s jaw is set tightly, her shoulders tense, and Kara doesn’t understand why. Is Lena—repelled at the thought? Is she annoyed by Kara’s meddling family? Both answers are disheartening and she really, really hopes it’s neither.

Because, well, of course Kara’s thought about it before. Many times, even. She already loves Lena as a best friend, as a roommate, and there’s been moments when she smiles at Kara while adorably half-asleep and Kara wants to kiss her. Like, in a normal, not-crushing-on-the-best-friend-she’s-ever-had kind of way.

Kara clears her throat. “I’m sorry,” she breaks the quiet. (Or, more accurately, the opening of “Landslide.”) “If her saying that made you uncomfortable.”

“What? No, it’s not that.” Lena reaches across the seat to quickly rest her hand on Kara's shoulder in a silent apology. “I just, I don't want to disappoint her with our actual surprise.”

“I didn't even think of that,” Kara sighs. “Okay. Well, um…” She gnaws on her bottom lip, trying to form thoughts, and is distracted by the dumb bumper sticker of the car in front of them which reads I ❤️ my girlfriend but my wife hates her. And suddenly, that's when it hits. “Wait. What if we did tell her we're dating?”

“What?”

“Think about it,” Kara hastily continues. “I mean, she loves you so much, it makes sense why the two of us being a couple would make her happy. So what if we pretend we're together? That will make her day, and the next time we see her won't be until Thanksgiving so we can just make up an excuse for why we broke up or something then.”

Lena twists in her seat to face Kara, and there's no mistaking her disbelief. “You want me to lie to your grandma?”

“Not in a bad way,” Kara is quick to reassure her. “Just, in a, what-she-doesn’t-know-can’t-hurt-her kind of way.”

“That feels like the opposite of a birthday gift,” Lena says slowly. “For the record.”

Kara's eagerness deflates as quickly as the idea had come. “You're right,” she says, feels her face grow hot in embarrassment. “It's dumb, I don't know what I'm thinking.”

“I didn't say it was dumb—don't put words in my mouth.” And Lena rests a hand on Kara's wrist, skin soft and too warm because she always holds her hands right in front of the car vents while the heat is blasting. “I suppose if she doesn't find out it's a lie, well…it would be harmless.”

“Right,” Kara agrees automatically. “And she wouldn't find out.”

“Because you’re an absolute master of fooling people?” Lena has the ability to quirk an eyebrow, and she always, always, does it whenever there’s even a hint to the whole Kara-having-powers-and-being-an-alien thing. She takes way too much pleasure in teasing Kara over the fact that, well, the fact certainly was never a secret for long.

“I feel like you’re making fun of me.”

“I would never,” Lena hums, all too pleased, and she cranks up the music and gets that distant, faraway look to her eyes as she gazes out of the window. “It's your call, Kara Danvers. If you want me to be your fake girlfriend, then I'm in.”

“Why do you do that?” Kara wonders aloud before she even realizes she’s speaking. “Um, the whole…’Kara Danvers’ thing. You always have a habit of calling people by their full names.”

Lena shrugs. “I don’t know,” and she kind of smiles over her shoulder, a shy smile just hovering on the cusp of amused. “Is it weird?”

“No,” Kara says, and she feels her whole chest ache with the word, because what she means is I like it. And, maybe in the strangest turn of events, she understands what she really means is I like you.

By the time they arrive in Midvale, it’s bordering on noon; Kara stops to put gas while Lena insists on running inside the gas station for a soda, and she emerges holding a new pair of sunglasses and about three sodas too many—at least for her. Kara gives her grief over the fact that she buys all these sodas to taste and abandon, while Lena just rolls her eyes and points out it’s not a waste because Kara will drink them anyway.

(And she does, but not without having an internal freakout about placing her lips on the same can Lena did.)

“You know,” Lena says as Kara pulls up to her grandma’s house after a million Lena-requested stops, “we should probably have a story before we go inside.”

“Huh?” Alright, maybe not all the stops were Lena-related. Kara is currently four bites into a burger from the diner down the street and her attention’s pretty much laser-focused on how much she’s missed the food here.

“Of how we got together,” Lena clarifies, and Kara almost chokes.

“R-right,” she manages—coughs—out. “And we probably have to seem…couple-y.”

“Right,” Lena echoes, voice sort of tight, and Kara nervously adjusts her glasses.

“We can do this,” she says, more to reassure herself than anything. “It can’t be too different than being friends, can it? We’re good at that. Being friends.”

Lena awkwardly clears her throat. “Yeah,” she says. “Best friends.”

“Okay, then, how about we were hanging out—as friends do—and then…” Kara kind of trails off; it’s harder than anticipated, to spin tales about the entirely hypothetical situation of asking her best friend out. And it’s especially hard when Lena is looking at her, biting her bottom lip in a way that has Kara zeroed in on her mouth. “No, scratch that. We need a real story.”

“What do you mean?” Lena frowns. “The whole thing isn’t exactly real, so…”

“It still needs to be believable.” Kara sits up straighter, the perfect image already forming. “We can say we started dating two months ago, when you went on a blind date with Victoria-or-whatever, except in our fake story we say that I got jealous and blurted out I had feelings for you. And obviously you liked me back, or else this would have ended very awkwardly.”

Lena shoots her a very fond, and very exasperated, look. “I know you know her name is Veronica.”

“—and,” Kara goes on, ignoring the comment, “we kept it quiet because we wanted to take it slow. Since, you know, our friendship comes first.”

“Obviously,” Lena says. “So we have the story, but what about the…acting?” She grimaces slightly. “God, it sounds so sketchy the more we discuss it.”

“Only if you make it that way, Lena,” says Kara with a straight face, and Lena balls up a diner napkin and throws it at her. “Hey!”

Before she can initiate a proper war using whatever tools are at her disposal (a Slim Jim being an especially enticing makeshift sword), Kara’s phone starts ringing again; it’s Alex, and Lena answers because of course she still has Kara’s phone in her hand and not her own.

“Hi, Alex.” A pause. “Yes, we’re outside, how did you know?” Another frown, this time deeper. “Ew, why are you watching us? That’s creepy. Tell—tell Maggie I can hear her. And is that—” All at once, Lena bursts into a laugh. “Hi, Grandma Danvers. No, Alex is a liar, you know she is. Kara is just pretending she isn’t eating lunch for the second time before she comes in to raid your pantry.”

“Hey,” Kara repeats, and Lena crinkles her nose at her and just keeps on smiling.

“Okay. Uh-huh. Bye.” Lena finally passes her phone back. “Looks like it’s showtime. Are you ready for this?”

“Yes,” Kara says firmly. Then, “Wait, let me finish eating first.”

Afterwards, as they stumble out into the dust and dirt, Kara watches Lena—Lena, who wears Kara’s flannels with the sleeves rolled up, who insists on a full face of makeup even when it’s just Kara’s family she has to be with, who consciously reviews every step carefully so she will not step on any bugs. She gives a frightened yelp as a bee flies past, stumbling back automatically, and Kara is immediately there to steady her.

“Can I hold your hand?” Kara finds herself asking, and Lena’s face turns a soft pink when she says yes, and Kara doesn’t even know if it’s due to the heat or some other reason.

Suddenly it’s like she is a teenager again, all fumbling fingers and sweaty palms, but Lena is remarkably unfazed. She just squeezes Kara’s hand tighter, allows Kara to grandly sweep open the front door, laughing at the way Kara trips over the loose porch step as if absolutely nothing is different.

Grandma Danvers is all over them in an instant. “I knew it!” she crows. “You two have been keeping this from me, haven’t you?! Oh I’m so happy for you both!” She’s hugging them before Kara can even drop their bags, and from over her head, Alex is mouthing you motherfucker because she most certainly must have placed some sort of bet about this.

“Grandma,” Kara whines, as is her obligatory right as a grown woman being smothered. “Who says we’ve been keeping anything from you?”

“It’s one thing to be keeping secrets, child, but another to lie about it,” Grandma Danvers huffs. “Lena, you’re sure you want this one?”

“Grandma!”

Lena does not bother to hide her blatant amusement. “Unfortunately, yes,” she says, making a show of batting her eyelashes up at Kara, and Kara swallows hard because she’s just—very close. Close enough that she could almost kiss her.

“Gross,” Maggie chimes in, and Lena flips her off behind Grandma Danvers’ back (because as far as she knows, Lena Luthor is the saint among their group). “But I totally called it. Alex owes me twenty bucks.”

“You’re betting on my love life?” Kara asks, half-scandalized and half-unsurprised. “Does Eliza know about this?”

“Eliza also owes me twenty bucks,” Maggie says all-too-proudly; now Kara finds it in herself to be a tad concerned.

“Well,” Lena cuts in, “this is a very…touching reunion, but not why we’re here.” The Lena Luthor that Kara knows has always been able to charm anyone, and she can commandeer a room without trying, but this is the Lena that Kara likes the best—the person whose face practically glows as she hugs Kara’s grandma. “Thank you for having me, Grandma Danvers. Happy birthday.”

“Oh, you know you’re always family, sweetheart,” she replies. “Even if you and Kara weren’t dating, you know I’d pick you first.”

“I’m still here,” Kara is sure to remind her, and Grandma Danvers just laughs and shoos her off to carry Lena’s bag upstairs. This, of course, is what causes her brain to start snowballing. If they’re “dating,” the family will undoubtedly expect Lena to sleep in Kara’s room tonight. And then they’ll have to share the bed. Together. Very close to each other.

(And together).

Lena comes to find her eventually. “I can’t help but notice you didn’t raid the fridge yet,” she says. “And we’ve been here almost half an hour, so…you must be sick, or possessed, I’m assuming?” Teasing as her words are, her voice is decidedly gentler, an unspoken question held in the way she waits patiently at the doorway.

Kara sort of blinks back. “Yeah, no, I—I’m getting to it,” she says. I’m okay is what she means, and even as she’s sitting on her childhood bed and clasping her hands too tightly between her knees, she hopes Lena gets it.

She must, surely, because Lena’s shoulders relax. “Okay,” she says, and takes a seat beside Kara. “Do you feel weird about what happened?”

“Not really,” Kara says. Pauses. “Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel right now. I thought we could just come in here and pretend and we would all laugh and move on and—and nothing would change. I mean, nothing has changed,” she’s quick to add.

Lena rests her hand on Kara’s thigh. “I get it,” she admits. “It’s weird. I never thought your family would like the idea of us dating so much.”

“Right! It is weird!” Kara laughs a little too loudly. “Um, not the idea of us dating, just that they’re really on board. With it.”

“Exactly!” And Lena’s—looking right at Kara now, green eyes framed in mascara that’s a little smudged from falling asleep in the car, so beautiful that it makes Kara’s heart skip a beat. “So, um, are you ready to keep on playing along?”

“Definitely,” Kara promises, and she feels the itching need to brush a flyaway strand of hair behind Lena’s ear, and so she does it. “Thank you, for this. You’re…a really good friend.”

“Your best friend,” Lena corrects, not in the usual smartass way that she would say it, but quietly—quietly, like a reassurance they both need, and even as the space between them seems to grow smaller and the air feels heavier on their shoulders, they don’t look away.

“Yeah,” Kara whispers. “Always.”

(And she knows—she knows—that it is definitely not just friendship they’re talking about here.)

#had to write this for u too obviously ❤️#i had to cut it v awkwardly but MAN this was fun!!! tysm :')#supercorp #supergirl #i need a fic tag #lyssa #this is for the prompt: 'my grandma is in love with you and she lives far away #so why not pretend to be a couple for the few days we see her'#i could have written a whole 10k fic on this this is DANGEROUS its why i dont take prompts ...#i have zero (0) self control ok

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anodymalion · 23 days

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Oh man oh man I just saw an Outer Wilds fanart done in the style of a tarot card and I had to immediately drop everything I was doing to think through what an all-Outer-Wilds version of the major arcana would be. I think I have it, it's under the read more because it's long and also there are major major spoilers (unsurprisingly).

0. The Fool: The Hatchling This one is easy. The hatchling is at the beginning of their journey, stepping into the unknown.

1. The Magician: Pye Bringing intention and direction, choosing a path, and channeling cosmic power - yeah I think Pye of “science compels us to explode the sun” fame fits this pretty perfectly.

2. The High Priestess: The Nomai Statues Ok, I kinda struggled with this one, but I think it works. Hidden knowledge, dealing with the mind, the subsconscious vs conscious, veils between worlds. The statues are mysterious and they transmit your knowledge to your previous selves. That fits decently well and also I don’t have a better idea.

3. The Empress: Timber Hearth Ok, I really struggled with this one. I’m going for the themes of creation, life, nature, and nurturing by choosing Timber Hearth since it is literally where life in the solar system grew. I'm not happy with this but whatever.

4. The Emperor: The Vault Authority, establishment, control to the point of domination. They sealed the Prisoner in the vault for defying the system. Plus the Vault looks cool and imposing so we have that going for us.

5. The Hierophant: Solanum Connecting to the past, passing on wisdom, initiation into a spiritual practice (aka reaching the QM). Yeah this is Solanum.

6. The Lovers: Nomai Graveyard (Emotional damage pt 1) I’m so so sorry but it works so well. What says love besides holding your friends close as you all asphyxiate to death?

7. The Chariot: Your Ship Maybe this one is a little too literal but I still think it fits. Determination and drive, knowing where you want to go, overcoming obstacles. Also it's literally your ship. It works.

8. Strength: Chert I’m going to be honest.... Chert is here because they were the only traveler that didn’t have a card that clearly fit, and I couldn’t leave only them out when I gave all the other travelers cards, and I didn’t have another idea for what Strength should be. Hand-wavy explanation: view Strength as getting to the core of confronting your fear and anger and pain and coming out the other side, and, well, Chert having a existential breakdown and then coming to a place of calm acceptance about the inevitability of death sort of… fits…. look just pretend this one makes sense and let’s move along quickly -

9. The Hermit: Feldspar Self-explanatory. The literal solitude, yeah, but also Feldspar is this mentor figure who guides you on your journey, and is apparently happy to just sit and chill in the nightmare hell that is Dark Bramble. It works.

10. The Wheel of Fortune: The Advanced Warp Core in the ATP Change, fate, turning points, cycles - and the breaking of cycles. This is another easy one.

11. Justice: The Prisoner There are a lot of ways you can interpret this. You have the Prisoner defying their society’s rules in an attempt to do what is right, and the strangers believing they were dispensing justice by imprisoning them but actually causing harm. The more I think about this one the more I like it.

12. The Hanged Man: Gabbro Another easy one. Taking a pause to rest, passivity, acceptance, independence, seeing things differently. Plus you even get the literal imagery of them hanging on the hammock, floating in zero-g. This is a slam dunk.

13. Death: The skull + flower from the Strangers’ visions of the Eye Letting go to allow the world to change and let new things grow is literally what this vision is about. Plus it’s a skull! I mean it’s right there.

14. Temperance: Riebeck Steadiness, moderation, plus the duality of Riebeck being terrified of space but still choosing to go out into it.

15. The Devil: The Eye Signal Blocker Destruction, complicity in oppression, avoiding accountability, confronting fear (or avoiding doing so). Oh yeah I’m so on board with this being the Eye Signal Blocker.

16. The Tower: The Interloper (Emotional damage part 2). The destruction of the status quo, disaster, tragedy, upheaval. There is no question here.

17. The Star: The Eye Searching for purpose, navigating a path, themes of renewal. Plus it even kinda has a star-like shape. It’s the Eye.

18. The Moon: The Quantum Moon Look, sometimes the literal choice works. Mystery, secrets, illusions? Yeah, that’s QM alright.

19. The Sun: The Sun Who could have seen this one coming??? ….The thing is… the meaning of the tarot Sun card absolutely doesn’t match the purpose the sun plays in Outer Wilds. But there is nothing else that could be the sun. It’s the sun!

20. Judgement: The Campfire in the Starry Forest Facing yourself, facing the truth, acceptance, ultimately letting go so that you can reach the end. Yeah.

21. The World: The Big Bang The end, and the beginning.

#I *need* to learn to draw fr so I can do this aghhhh #outer wilds #outer wilds spoilers #echoes of the eye

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dietcokedemise · 11 months

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Confessions of a Junkorexic

june 6, 2023 | entry #13

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

I’M BACK IN THE 190s! it has been damn near two years since i last weighed this low!! wtf!!!! it sounds a bit pathetic out loud (ok very pathetic) but i’m sooooo happy to finally be out of the 200s 🥹 don’t get me wrong i’m still obese, especially for my height, but i’m still rlly proud of myself. my never ending b/r cycle has wrecked havoc on my life for YEARS and it’s been a long time since i’ve had the strength to fight it and actually stick with my self control efforts.

this being said, i did cave and let myself have some simple carbs today 💀 i was supposed to be cutting simple carbs out of my diet this week but of course that only lasted what? two days?? i simply cannot help that i am a slave to pb&j sandwiches! (honestly i’m a slave to anything starchy) that loaf of brioche bread my mother bought has been taunting me ever since it entered my sacred home and i’ve been fighting the binge demons ever since. i want it GONE! i actually had to talk myself down from eating an extra slice of bread while making my sandwich 😭 i took one bite out of it but i had to force myself to rip it up and throw away the rest of it.

tossing food i shouldn’t eat has been a exponential struggle of mine for god knows how long. i so desperately wish i was one of those people who could just douse their food in dish soap or bleach to avoid eating it, but i’m never brave enough to actually follow through with it when the opportunity presents itself. being able to toss that extra slice was definitely a mini achievement for me and i’m proud of myself for being able to get rid of something instead of just caving and eating it. food addiction is a bitch, but i’m determined to make it my bitch!

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

egg white bites w/ cheese (51 cals)

2 slices of bacon (80 cals)

zero sugar vanilla greek yogurt w/ cinnamon + sliced almonds (70 cals)

small vanilla iced coffee (136 cals)

lunch

pb&j sandwich (379 cals)

dinner

grilled chicken w/ creamy salsa (243 cals)

12 oz diet coke (0 cals)

snacks(s)

water + sugar free drink mix (10 cals)

total cal intake

969 cals 👍 (lol 69 🤭)

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

daily stats

197.8 lbs (89.7) [-3.2]

bmi

37.4

lbs until current gw (180 lbs)

17.8 lbs

lbs until ugw (100 lbs)

97.8 lbs

steps

967

hrs fasted

days binge free

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clownarry · 3 years

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I might of fucked around and gotten Harry tickets for next year just for fun 🤩🤪👍🏻

#I have zero(0) self control but hey I might get to see him #might is the key word I live in America so y’all already know #anyways my moms gonna murder me once she finds out but it’s ok 😁#harry styles

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roadstoeveryway · 5 years

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Guess who’s curled up on the couch, out like a light, with his tentacles wrapped around him? This octopus.

#open rp #go ahead toward tomorrow ;; ic #listen i have 0 (zero) self control #i had to make this ok #i already love this hc #him...sleeby.....

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thiswaycomessomethingwicked · 2 years

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for the character ask game: Madam, lady Roberta Messerole? 👀

Madam!! Ah, be still my beating heart. I'm going to spouse her. Watch out, gentlepeople of the Disc. I'm in town and I'm winning her love.

one aspect about them i love: her pragmatic realism. She gets how to do coups and I respect that about her. I love all her meddling in politics and how she'll get bored of a city's political field and move on to the next and it's just like...a past time of hers. Shit disturbing on a large level. Chaos demon. Beautiful. I love that for her.

one aspect i wish more people understood about them: She's such a minor character, it's hard to say on this one. I suppose people don't lean into the fact that she's a sex worker as much as they could? She's like the very expensive Venetian courtesans, but that's still sex work. The ones whose houses were used as spaces for political intrigue because of how tightly controlled aspects of Venetian political society were. Plague by-laws had to specify between situations where brothels closed and when courtesans couldn't host dinner parties anymore. Anyway, that's Madam.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character: She's Vetinari's mum, obviously. Aside from that? She definitely plays the field in terms of all genders. She's bi of sexual and it shows because her favourite colour is purple. You're welcome, world. Also, I think she very much climbed her way to the top of her field, so to speak, and is self-educated, self-taught in a lot of things so when she got knocked up via Money Pants von Money Pants Lord Vetinari's dad, she's like GREAT THIS IS EXCELLENT and sent him to all the best schools, hired the best tutors, made sure he never wanted for anything in his life ever. Did this mean she was a bit of an absent parent? Yes. Did she struggle in how to Parent Properly at times? Especially for someone like Vetinari? Yes. But boy howdy did she at least make sure his monetary and physical needs were always met in spades. Vetinari has zero (0) idea what it is to not have money/financial security. Madam is the exact opposite.

as well as

one character i love seeing them interact with: Vetinari, of course. Because she's such a Mom(tm) and he's being a snotty sixteen year old. All like, "if I told you I'd have to kill you" and she's like "ok honey. sure dear, you're very scary and ferocious. You better not tell me then. Also, you missed a spot wiping off your war paint" and he's all "MOM DON'T CLEAN MY FACE I AM NOT A CHILD." Madam stares. Vetinari stares back. Vetinari is snobbish about her cat not being suitable for someone who is a political mastermind then turns into his mom and adopts a dog not suitable for a tyrant. It's all so chaotic and I love it.

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more: Downey. Rosie, probably. I would love to see what their relationship was like in detail. Like, was Madam a mentor to Rosie? Were they more business partners? Did she overlook Rosie's potential, somehow? Like, I'd love to know the details on that.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character: I think Madam is rather chaotic in a lot of ways. I don't think she's neat or tidy and her office is like a hurricane whirled through, her closet is insane, her house very clearly Lived In. She's like Downey and very of the opinion of "That's what servants are for". But also, she's just not a tidy person with or without servants. And that is one of the reasons Vetinari is the extreme opposite. Madam is opulence and gold and designer everything everywhere and Vetinari would live in a minimalist Scandinavian-chic modern house if he could. Loves his mum, but she's a sensory overload for him sometimes.

(I have Downey being more of a balance since he's outgoing and chaotic but also appreciates order and Things Being in Their Place - literally and metaphorically. Madam is here to be a trickster chaos demon and I'm going to marry her.)

Thank you so much!! <3 <3 she's a fun one because there's like nothing out there about her. She's such a blank slate.

#madam #madam roberta meserole #friends call her bobby you may call her madam #discworld #vetinari #lord downey #ask #reply #ask meme

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verfound · 3 years

Text

WIPWED: Festering Edition: 6/2/21: Smutember Fantasy

@bloody-no-kissu @amstupid0-0 hehehehe y'all found the Oops Baby 😂

So back when I started the Smutember Prompts, I was not doing this one, too. But then a Plunny Bit, and y'all should know by now I have zero self-control.

So remember when Sandman showed up and brought all the nightmares to life? This one has an akuma named Sweet Dreams, who just wants everyone to have good dreams. The problem is, if you get hit and succumb to your dream/fantasy, you then slip into a coma and won't wake up until the akuma is defeated. Knowing she can't afford to get hit, Ladybug calls on Viperion's help.

The problem? Luka was in the middle of his own sweet dream when Ladybug showed up, and really hopes he doesn't get hit himself...

(More M than E below the cut - limey fresh at best~)

“I don’t like this plan,” Viperion said, narrowed eyes landing on the utility shed they had thrown Chat Noir into not five minutes prior. Ladybug sighed, shifting beside him.

“Do you have a better one?” she asked, fidgeting with her yoyo. A really indecent sound that had his partner blushing but set his teeth on edge echoed from the shed.

At least someone was enjoying themselves.

“Not really,” he sighed, tapping his fingers anxiously against his knees. “Still doesn’t mean I have to like this one.”

“You’re grumpy tonight,” Ladybug said, shooting him a small smirk. He at least smiled back at her.

“I was in the middle of a really good dream when you came calling, Mlle. Bug,” he said. She snorted and looked back at the street below them.

“You said it was intense, not good,” she chided, scanning the street for the akuma. He couldn’t help the wry little grin that twisted his lips as he tried not to think too hard about his dream. Running here with her had done wonders cooling him off, but he knew he was one errant thought from…

“Maybe it was both,” he hummed, shaking his head slightly to clear it. He could revisit his dream later – he had to focus.

“Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll get hit,” she said, and from her tone he could tell she was teasing him. That didn’t stop his back from feeling like a bucket of ice had been dumped down his suit. “Then you can go back to it.”

As another indecent moan – that sounded too much like M’lady! for either of their comfort – sounded from the shed, Viperion had to admit that was exactly what he was afraid of.

Hawkmoth’s latest akuma was called Sweet Dreams and, as far as they could tell, simply wanted people to enjoy their sleep. From what Ladybug and Chat Noir had gathered before bringing Viperion in, the victim was a young woman who’d been kept up the past few nights by thin walls and noisy neighbors. Hawkmoth had given her the ability to give everyone pleasant dreams, in return for the Miraculous of Ladybug and Chat Noir, of course.

What that had ended up looking like, at least in Chat Noir’s case, was a Ladybug with a modified (skimpy) supersuit, who was more interested in ripping his own suit off of him than she was in defeating the akuma. Sweet Dreams was bringing fantasies to life all over Paris, and while Chat was clearly not complaining…Ladybug had always been the more sensible of the two. After all, they had already seen a few instances where the fantasies had been allowed to play out. Once you were fully in the thrall of your sweet dream, you fell into a sleep they were pretty sure only the Miraculous Cure could wake you from.

That was, ultimately, why Viperion had been called in. They couldn’t risk Ladybug getting hit and slipping into a sleep she couldn’t wake from. They hadn’t wanted to risk Chat, either, but Viperion hadn’t had a chance to set his bracelet before the Chat was showboating and throwing himself into the line of fire. And when it became clear he was all too willing to let his Fantasy Ladybug slip his Miraculous off his finger, they had locked the ‘couple’ in the shed before Hawkmoth could claim a partial victory.

“She’s harmless enough,” Ladybug said. She crouched lower as Sweet Dreams floated past them, a shimmering cloud of silvery dust that swirled around her feet carrying her around the city. The akuma passed by without incident, and Ladybug let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Ok. You ready?”

He fidgeted with his bangle before nodding. He wasn’t, not really. He hadn’t been lying to Ladybug: he’d already been in the middle of a really good fantasy when she’d entered his room and slapped him awake. After seeing what Sweet Dreams had done to Chat…there were about a hundred reasons why he wasn’t looking forward to this akuma, and he could count them all on the spots of the hero beside him.

And of course, because Chat had already been hit, he was the one they had to use as bait. No. Not bait. A distraction.

…he still felt like bait.

“Viperion?” she called, and he jumped when he felt her hand on his shoulder. He glanced down at the black gloves that were now part of her suit before looking up at her face, framed by the short pixie cut she had adopted a few months back. The same blue eyes stared back at him through the mask, narrowed in concern. The same eyes that…he shook his head to clear it. Now really wasn’t the time.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding after a moment. “Sor-”

“Watch out!” she cried, pushing him back, but it was too late.

A cloud of silvery dust slammed into his chest. He gasped, inhaling some of it, and immediately started coughing. His heart was pounding, and he thumped a fist against it as his vision swam. What…that had…there was a giggle behind him – a painfully familiar giggle – and a lead weight settled in his stomach. Ladybug’s eyes had blown wide, staring at something behind him, and they only grew wider when he felt small hands sliding over his shoulders. He glanced down at the arms wrapping around him, his heartrate picking up again when teeth nipped at his earlobe.

Shit.

#miraculous ladybug #luka couffaine #marinette dupain-cheng #lukanette #endgame lukanette #lukanette endgame #viperion #ladybug #wip wednesday #wip wednesday: festering folder edition #smutember #fantasy #sweet dreams are made of these #who am I to diss a bee #lb's fantasy is a pillow bc she needs a NAP #she doesn't tell viperion there was a half-naked luka draped on the pillow nope

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megumis-lashes · 3 years

Note

Hi can I request Megumi with a very touchy crush

Megumi with a touchy crush HCs!

Fushiguro Megumi x Reader ^^

An: Hello! Sorry for the late response but I hope you can enjoy this anyways! Since it’s not specified I made this headcannons since that was easier! If you want anything different in future requests please specify at least: format, POV and gender! If you don’t I’ll just do whatever ^^

Contains: Touchy reader/physical contact, Megumi x reader, written with a female reader in mind but generally left as gn!, angst if you squint lol, possibly mistakes as my genius self is writing this at like 12am, just fluffff :) oh and you’re shorter than Megumi lol. (Oh and sorry if Megumi is a tad OOC in the drabble cuz his reactions can be tricky to write for 😅)

Word Count: 1.7k (I got carried away once again lol)

Soooo.... Megumi with a touchy crush? Sign me up!

Now we all know that Megumi is rather reserved and pretty straight forward so I think at first his reaction to your touchiness may be a bit awkward

Not awkward in the sense that he’s uncomfortable being around you but more as in he’s a bit.... shy

He’s not adjusted to receiving a lot of physical contacts so initially, he wasn't quite sure how to react

His overall awkwardness really depends on how long he’s known you

If he just met you during high school he would probably be a bit shocked at how comfortable you were with casual physical affection

While you would think nothing of it and treated practically everyone you knew (and were comfortable with) like this, Megumi would still be surprised

While Yuuji and Nobara would adjust to your touchiness quite quickly, Megumi would probably stay blushy about it for a month or so until he wouldn't think much about it anymore

it’d be a bit different if he knew you for a while or even knew you as childhood friends

Typically being touchy doesn't become a habit overnight sooo he’d be a lot more used to it and barely think about it

I don’t see him as one to openly accept or adjust to physical affection without being a bit shy

He’d probably tease you or question you about it from time to time and be one to begrudgingly accept affection

Totally be one to act really annoyed by your touchiness but in reality, he treasures the soft moments away from danger

All of this would change when he realizes he has a crush on you though :0

Cue blushy, awkward Megumi and oblivious you featuring another oblivious idiot, Yuuji, and an all-knowing Nobara

Megumi isn’t one to develop crushes immediately or overnight since he must value that person’s personality most of all

He thought of you as purely platonically within these first few months of knowing you untilllll his brain just clicked

He was like.... ‘Oh shoot... I have a crush....”

Having a crush is refreshing for Megumi but also quite distracting with how touchy you are

Instead of just ignoring the affection or casually playing it off, Megumi forgets how to react

Now he knows that deep down he really likes receiving affection from you cuz he realized how he likes you more than just a companion or classmate

Cue Megumi being 10 times more awkward than usual

Normally if you were to walk up to him and throw your arm over his shoulder playfully or something like that he’d either ignore it, pretend it's not happening or just playfully shove your arm off his shoulder

Now he just freezes and is like ‘oh what to do’

Would be that person who googles ‘how to act normally around your crush’ but at the same time think its stupid and stop reading the article like five minutes in lol

He’d probably have one of two reactions:

Cease to function and just stand awkwardly still or

Awkwardly pull away

...

Now as much as Megumi pretends to hate your touchiness, you do know that he’s okay with you playing around so this reaction is pretty unusual

You probably are a little confused as to why he’s acting like this

Like huhh????? I thought we were good?????

Cue Megumi continuing to be awkward for a while

Everyone became more awkward than usual since that day because the friendly atmosphere was put off due to Megumi being even more closed off than usual

He practically avoids you at this point

Ofc you start to feel bad about it

Like did you do something wrong??? Take it too far??

Touchiness has always been in your nature and seeing someone react so sharply to it makes you feel insecure about your habits so you lessen the touchiness within the friend group

and everyone notices

Yuuji misses your playfulness and Megumi is simply overwhelmed and lost within his own thoughts and emotions

Nobara is the most.... suspicious

While examining Megumi lately (not in a weird way she swears) she noticed the sudden change in behavior

That’s when she realized ‘Does the Fushiguro Megumi have a crush????’

Ofc her curiosity gets the best of her so she just has to question Megumi

So she does

After a small mission the team had gone on, she asked Megumi to talk

‘So promise to answer truthfully.’

‘Yes I promise”

‘Do you have a crush on Y/N?’

“Huh’ Megumi deadpans. This came out of nowhere

As much as he wishes to play it cool and dismiss the girl’s thoughts, he physically cannot and instead goes into blushy cannot function mode

Nobara takes notice to this immediately

‘Aha! So I was correct! Take that Yuuji!’

Yes they totally made bets on this

Once again Megumi is lost

‘Huh? Bets on what?”

‘Bets on what?”Are you seriously that oblivious? On your crush! It’s so obvious it’s painful!” She sighed dramatically

Now Megumi is even more lost

Like sure he was confused about where his crush stands but he wasn’t aware that he was obvious????

Nobara goes on to explain how stiffly he reacts to your touches and how his blush doesn’t really go unnoticed

She also explains how you were moping around lately cuz you thought you made him uncomfortable

Shocked at this new found information he rushed out of their real quick to go... idk possibly confess but be more focused on apologizing

AN: Here’s a quick scenario in first person of how that would go since I have zero self-control :0

I was settled on the small bed in my school dorm room. Placed upon a stack of pillows was my laptop, through which played whatever random Netflix show I chose. It didn’t really matter what it was as the media was quickly discarded by my mind and treated as background noise. My mind was swimming with rather..intrusive thoughts. As much as I wanted to relax and shut off my mind for the night I simply couldn’t. My thoughts continued to drift back to a certain ravenette and the issues that had circled around him for a while now. Fushiguro Megumi, a boy I met a few years back when beginning jujutsu. We were friends... or at least I considered us friends and I had taken quite a liking to the boy. Despite his distant and rather closed off personality, I had developed a casual and comfortable bond with the male... or so I thought. All changed when he started acting strangely, almost as if I had hurt him or bothered him a little too much with my habits. Admittedly I was a bit hurt over Megumi’s actions but I was more confused. I had always been touchy, so why the sudden reaction to it?

As if the world was messing with me, a knock sounding from my dorm room door shook me from my train of thought.

“Coming!” I quickly pushed the blankets and began walking towards the door. The person behind that door was definitely not who I was expecting. Behind the door stood Megumi Fushiguro, pacing lightly as his hand slightly ruffled his hair.

“Megumi?! Did you need something?” It was strange to see Megumi at my door as it was nearing 9 PM and he was usually one to avoid unnecessary intrusions.

“Oh hi Y/N. Sorry to bother you so late but I’ve come to apologize..” He explained, carding his hand through his hair nervously.

“Apologize for what exactly?” I questioned.

“For how I’ve been acting lately..” He stated. I shook my head.

“Ahh about that... I’ve been meaning to ask you something..” I mumbled. “Megumi.. do I uhh.. make you uncomfortable? I mean I know I’m kinda touchy and I’ve noticed that you uh don’t-”

“No no no! That's what I’m here to clear up about... Look it's not what you think! You don’t make me uncomfortable I’ve just been too focused on my own thoughts to realize why you may think that...’ We’re both way too oblivious’ or at least that’s what Nobara says..” He trailed off. I sighed in relief. I was happy, albeit a bit confused but still happy that he didn’t despise me.

“Ok ok.. I’m glad you don’t hate me at least!” I smiled, throwing my arm around his shoulder as I did in the past. “I do have one question though!”

“Ask away.” He quietly chuckled, finally at ease in my touches.

“What do you mean ‘we’re both oblivious’? And what does Nobara have to do with this?” I questioned, leaning my head onto the taller male’s shoulder. His eyes widened a bit as he glanced away awkwardly.

“Well, you see... I don’t really know how to say this but..”

“Just spit it out already!” I playfully slapped his back.

“I have a crush on you...” He mumbled looking away.

“....huh” I deadpanned. “That’s why you were awkward all of a sudden? All because you like me? Wait you like me?!” I shook my head, leaving the casual embrace we had settled into.

“Yeah... that’s not a bad thing is it?” He questioned, once again rubbing at his neck nervously.

“No no of course not!” I waved dramatically. “I’ll let you know that I like you too! Quite a lot actually!” I chuckled thinking of Nobara’s words. “Now I understand what she was saying about obliviousness... Now that I think about it you were sooo obvious! I'm ashamed that I didn’t notice sooner.” I sighed, coming down from my small laughing fit.

“ Hey well, I didn’t know how to act! I was trying my best ok....” He mumbled. I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his left cheek, chuckling at his blushy reaction.

“Don’t worry about it! I mean we cleared everything up didn’t we?” I pondered.

“So uhh.. do you wanna be my girlfriend then?” He questioned, looking as flustered as ever.

“I’d love that!” I smiled. Glancing at my watch my eyes widened.

“Hey, it's getting late! Why don’t you come watch Netflix with me yeah?!” I pulled the ravenette into my dorm, leaving him little time to respond. That night we drifted off together surrounded by the noise of old Netflix movies and warmed by the feeling of love.

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oh-boy-me · 4 years

Note

:0 could I have a beel,asmo,belphie,lucifer,mammon, satan (not including levi) and diavolo playing videogames? I thought it would be kinda funny since they're all really old- except for levi of course haha

Ohhh this should be fun!

Decided to do individual HCs for this one instead of a group thing so they wouldn’t be limited to multiplayer games.

Most of them, save for a certain prince, have been exposed to games a fair amount by proximity to Levi.

---

Lucifer:

Lucifer has a Mononoke Land account so that he’ll get the email notifications for events and can therefore keep track of Levi’s whereabouts. He’s never played the game, though, nor downloaded the app, and he has no intention of doing so.

In general, he’s not much of a gamer. The most gaming he gets done is minesweeper on Windows XP. He doesn’t have the time, and it was never something he could get into.

That isn’t to say that he owns zero games, though. His favorite genre is turn-based strategy, because he can afford to look away from them, and they make him think and plan.

He doesn’t like the hyper-realistic ones, though. Things like Civilization and Here Be Dragons are up his alley, Hearts of Iron not so much.

He doesn’t care too much about the story, but a good soundtrack is mandatory.

Also he’s an old man so the controls also have to be intuitive or he just won’t be able to play. Why is he jumping when he presses A he thought that was the attack button.

The type of player who needs to get every achievement. A completionist.

When the group gets together for the rare multiplayer night, he has no idea what he’s doing and yet still manages to do well. It’s kind of infuriating.

He won’t make alliances with anyone, no, it’s every man for himself. He also actively targets Mammon no matter what game they’re playing.

The fact that he doesn’t really get it protects his pride when Levi inevitably wipes the floor with him.

Mammon:

Mammon actually does game a little bit in his spare time, mostly with Levi. He’s got a couple consoles and is more open to different genres than Lucifer is.

He thrives in any game where the main goal is to rack up as many points or as much profit as possible. He’s undefeated in tycoons and pinball. (Tetris is an exception; he’s terrible at Tetris. Stupid spacial recognition.)

The RNG elements boil down to his insane luck, but he’s actually very smart when it comes to investments and stuff, so it’s not like he’s only using his luck to get by.

If the games have multiplayer, even better! Nothing like kicking Levi, MC and Belphie’s asses in a game of Fortune Street!

He also tends to like the action-focused games that Levi plays. Not so much into turn-based RPGs, but he enjoys stuff where the enemies spawn, like in Zelda or Rune Factory. And he’s great at button mashing in fighting games, although Levi, who actually knows how to play them, always beats him.

Mammon uses items as soon as he gets them, and is too busy rushing a boss to care about learning its patterns and strategizing.

Skips cutscenes even on his first run. Levi and Satan hate him for it.

Like mentioned before, he gets an unfair disadvantage in game nights because everyone targets him. Especially in those games with RNG, because otherwise he WILL win.

He’s banned from PTW games because he will indeed PTW.

Satan:

Satan is another one who doesn’t play too many games, and that might be for the best because he’s a nightmare to play with.

The sorest loser, and a pretty nasty winner too. He insists on the hardest difficulty and then rage quits at the slightest inconvenience.

He will play when prompted, though; he’s not above hanging out with his brothers. His favorite sorts of games are ones with a good story and/or good puzzles. His planning is more on the tactics side, as opposed to Lucifer’s strategy, so he would love Fire Emblem.

He WILL drop a game if the story isn’t holding his attention, and he’s done so in the past.

Overly cautious and hoards resources. He takes the safe route every time.

Also another completionist.

Beel would often ask Satan to help him find out which art pieces were originals and safe to buy in Animal Crossing, and Satan got a little bit interested and ended up making a resident on Beel’s cartridge so the donations could be in his name. He went on a mini-campaign to drive out the residents he didn’t like, but one of them turned out to be Beel's favorite and he felt terrible about it for weeks.

During family game nights, everyone is always torn between appeasing Satan and telling him to deal with it when he loses.

He also gets angry if he catches on to the fact that they’re letting him win, though.

Probably a genwunner.

Asmodeus:

Asmo enjoys video games. They don’t fit into his aesthetic so he’s never really tried to understand them, but he doesn’t dislike them by any means.

Gaming is becoming more mainstream though, right? That’s a whole new audience that could appreciate him. Maybe, just maybe, he can let himself be a bit of a geek.

Unsurprisingly, he’s got a penchant for games with customization options. Surprisingly, he also really enjoys FPS games. If he and Levi ever played at the same time, it would be chaos in the House of Lamentation.

As opposed to his in-your-face attitude, he likes to play sniper units.

He said he wants to tap into the gaming community, but he’s not very good at most of the games he plays so he’s too embarrassed to actually do so. He does, however, play the Sims on livestream. He does his best to make the steamiest and most dramatic scenarios happen, and he’ll hold strawpolls to let his viewers make some choices.

Asmo also plays Animal Crossing like a few other brothers, but his island is so well groomed and with just the right residents, it feels like you’re touring an uncanny dystopia and Asmo is the dictator.

When the group gets together, he usually ends up doing the worst. He’s more interested in executing perfect combos than actually dealing damage, so he’s not aggressive enough to get anything done against players like Levi and Satan.

He’s also not very good at teamwork; he starts yelling at his partner very quickly.

Beelzebub:

Beel doesn’t have a lot of “gamer” in him, but some of his brothers seem to like it so he decided to give it a go. Turns out his hands are too big, but he makes do. Kind of.

You’d expect a sports game to be the best for him, since he’s so athletic. However, it’s BECAUSE he’s so athletic that this sort of game isn’t in his library. He gets too antsy and bored tapping buttons instead of actually playing the sport.

Beel’s also not an aggressive player in any sense of the word. He feels guilty even hurting the most basic of slimes.

No, no games are better for Beel than the stress-free, casual life simulators. Animal Crossing is no surprise his favorite one right now. Satan handles the museum for him while Beel gets to do whatever he feels like in a world where the biggest threat is a wasp.

He’ll also play other low stakes games where living your life is the main goal, like Harvest Moon and Stardew Valley. His big heart can never choose who to marry in those games.

Horror is also ok for him, because while aggression is hard for him, self-defense is not.

He got the Cooking Mama app on his D.D.D. and bit the device in half, so he’s not allowed to touch that franchise anymore.

When the gang meets up, his non-aggressive side sticks around. In fighting games, he’s more likely to dodge and steer clear of the others, and in other versus games he’s so open to compromise you’d think you were on the same team.

Satan did get him his favorite resident back.

Belphegor:

Belphie probably games the second most after Levi; it’s something that keeps him entertained but doesn’t require him to move very much at all.

I actually have no idea how to describe his preferred genres, but League of Legends and Dark Souls is basically all you need to know.

League lets him socialize a bit, and it’s the game that he and Levi play together most often. As for Dark Souls, he loves the sort of game where learning your opponent’s every move and outsmarting/outmaneuvering them is the only path to victory.

I guess that would be described as “really hard action-adventure” games? He’d also like Sekiro.

He also has his own copy of Animal Crossing to visit and play with Beel, but his island is so underdeveloped you’d think he started that same week.

Belphie is the true wild card of family game nights; sometimes he sleeps through the whole thing, while other times he can take down even Levi.

He has everyone’s habits down to a T--Mammon charges in, Asmo does too much setup, Levi’s overconfident--and he knows how to counter each and every one of them.

For someone who’s so much of a cunning player, though, he also misclicks a lot.

He’s the most likely out of his brothers to make alliances. He’s also the most likely to break alliances.

If he doesn’t think he can win, he’ll choose a player and start sabotaging the game in their favor.

Diavolo:

Lord Diavolo had read about like, Mario? The little blue hedgehog guy? But he’d never owned a gaming console before. He probably thought Neopets was peak gaming.

Levi swore to fix this grievous error, and this was also a mistake, because now Diavolo keeps trying to get Lucifer to play all these hack and slash games with him.

He has legitimately told Lucifer that “if you don’t play Devil May Cry with me THIS devil may cry!”

The games need to always have something happening in them or he’ll get bored, kind of like Satan’s need for a good story, except with action.

It’s also worth mentioning that “play a game with Diavolo” actually means “sit in the same room as Diavolo while he plays.”

And oh boy… is he terrible at these games.

He just button mashes until either he dies or all the enemies die.

Never uses any of the items he gets because he’s sure he’ll need them more later on. When, Diavolo? During the staff roll?

Will bomb a door before trying the knob.

Since he’s usually only around Lucifer, who doesn’t want to get sucked into this, and Barbatos, who honestly couldn’t care less about this, he’s been left alone and free to develop these terrible gaming habits.

It’s rare that he comes to family gaming night. Legend has it that Lucifer’s piercing glare is somehow connected to the fact that his brothers always let Diavolo win.

Masterlist

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effodiantcorvi · 3 years

Text

Numerology and the Tarot.

—Tarot post 1.

——Using: The Antique Anatomy Tarot(Claire Goodchild).

Numerology is the study of the spiritual significance and symbolism of numbers.

This guide will give you an easy way to blend Tarot and Numerology and improve your Tarot reading skills.

TAROT AND NUMEROLOGY: KEEPING IT SIMPLE

The best way to learn the correspondences between Tarot and Numerology is to keep it simple and begin with the digits.

If it’s been a long time since math class or if math was never your favorite, recall that digits are the singular version of numbers. Dating back to ancient times, they were the numbers that could be counted on fingers, which also gives fingers that name.

Some consider them 1 through 10 but for our purposes here I will reduce the 10 to its digits, 1 and 0. So 0 through 9 are the digits we deal with first.

Rather than memorizing seventy-eight numerical combinations, right away we can see it is easier to deal with the meanings of the numbers 0 through 9.

0 – Beginnings, purity, innocence

1 – Manifestation, creativity, and attraction

2 – Balance, unity, polarity

3 – Abundance, fertility, expansion

4 – Structure, stability, sturdiness

5 – Shock wave, challenge, conflict

6 – Communication, harmony, mutual aid

7 – Stagnation, introspection, reflection

8 – Stability, protection, sturdiness

9 – Expansion, growth

Let’s start with Zero. In most versions of the Tarot, the Major Arcana begins with Zero, the Fool. If you understand the archetype of the Fool, then you understand the power of Zero.

But if you don’t that’s ok. Let’s reverse-engineer this interpretation. Zero is round, it forms a circle and thus represents totality and cycles. Yet it’s also empty and represents emptiness, openness, and nothingness.

Zero is the beginning. It is purity and innocence. It is defined by absence.

One is the individual. If you know it as the Magician, then you know it is the power of the mind, creativity, and attraction. Where does manifestation begin? It begins with One.

Being of One mind about a subject rather than divided. Singular focus. It is an individual act.

One is the starting point, the first number to be defined. It is the definition and formation given to open thought (Zero).

Two is balance. This is also symbolized by the number Two of the Major Arcana, the High Priestess. She balances the opposites: the intuitive and the rational, inner and outer, and the hidden and the revealed.

Two is also unity. It’s polarity, two ones trying to understand each other, like two people trying to figure each other out.

From a couple, from Two, comes expansion. We put our heads together and develop ideas or launch a business. A couple comes together and creates a baby.

From Two comes also the tension of polarity. This polarity is broken when a third factor is introduced. This is like a triangle creating stability because of the third point. So then we have Three.

Three is abundance, fertility, and expansion. Three is the Empress, who shows the fruits of the labor of Two.

With all these resources and abundance, family and progress you’ve generated, you now need boundaries and definition.

Three is like the wealth you’ve amassed from sharing your work by blending One and Two. Wealth needs to be put to good use. Who decides what to do with the wealth and abundance? Boundaries, structure, and protection are needed.

This is where Four comes in. Four is the Emperor. The guardian and overseer who delegates boundaries to keep things in order.

Four is another point of balance. Now, two two’s, four is able to create something stable. Four is a house where two was a plank of wood, held up at both ends. Four is a table. Four is sturdy.

Four is contentment. Four is also complacent. All the wealth in the bank, everything solid and protected, life gets a little flat.

Luckily, Five comes next. Five emerges on the scene and shakes the table Four was lazily resting on. Five is the shock wave, the challenge, the conflict.

Five is the Hierophant, challenging you to live up to your higher ideals and not just settle for basic creature comforts.

Five is also the number associated with the Pentacles which are an entire suit (more on this in a moment). Thus the number Five represents the four natural elements, Air, Fire, Water and Earth as well as Akasha, the Spirit element.

Five brings growth through disruption.

All of this disruption becomes chaotic. Six is the number of communication and harmony. The Lovers, bringing balance to each other’s lives, helping to settle the problems through mutual aid.

Six is also considered a mystical number. It is the combination of the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine as explained in many theories and even mentioned in Dan Brown’s book The DaVinci Code.

In this book, the six-pointed star, also known as the Star of David, is explained as a combination of Feminine and Masculine principles.

The upright and inverted triangles together that create a six-pointed star represents this balance of masculine and feminine.

After the harmony and balance of the number Six, Seven awakes desire within us. It tells you that there is more to this life and tempts you to pursue a goal.

Seven in Tarot is also a number of stagnation and introspection. The Chariot asks “What do I need to change before I can move forward?”. Which direction should he go?

Therefore, before chasing your dreams, first, take time to venture deep into your subconscious mind and try to connect with your higher self.

Seven is also known as a lucky number and in some religions is associated with positive mystical experiences.

Eight is a number of infinity because of its shape. It is a number that reminds you that everything comes full circle. This is also depicted in the Strength tarot card by the infinity sign.

Eight is associated with abundance and expansion, stability, and securing your foundation. It is a number of harvest times and to some, the fall of the year.

Analyzing this number, we have the power of Two repeated Four times. So the power of unity and polarity, times Four, the power of stability, protection, and sturdiness.

Nine has great significance. With Nine things are almost perfect, almost complete. Nine is three Threes and thus has the magic and meaning of expansion and growth three times over.

The Hermit is numbered Nine. The Hermit brings us on a powerful journey to transformation from which we remember our inner power and advance spiritually and ideologically. The Hermit is not about loneliness, it is about the power of the individual to follow a unique path forward.

Then we arrive at Ten. What is Ten? The combination of One and Zero. The Fool and the Magician together but also the Wheel of Fortune. A reminder that anything is possible.

TAROT AND NUMEROLOGY: THE MAJOR ARCANA

As you can see from this outline, each single-digit has at least one Major Arcana card associated with it.

And here comes the good news: you can apply what you know about the single digits to all Major Arcana Tarot cards. So, there is no need to learn double-digit numerology.

There are a few ways to do this, but we will keep it simple. Just add together the digits, to interpret the single number of the card and its meaning.

Now consider the Devil. Traditionally, the images on the Lovers and Devil card correlate to each other, yet the Devil is considered the inverse of the Lovers. Interestingly, what is the number on the Devil card?

It is the number 15. Reduce this number and you have 1+5=6. Therefore you have a numerical link between the Lovers and the Devil. This illustrates that the Lovers and the Devil share a lesson.

When the Lovers lose balance, they become the Devil. They become addicted, obsessed, controlling, jealous, and codependent.

NEXT POST WILL BE ABOUT THE MINOR ARCANA!

Also, hello!! How’re you doing today? My name is Raven, I’m a 16 year old trans boy, and I’ve been practicing witchcraft for about five years now!

If you have any questions about something that I’ve posted; or something you’d like to see me post, send a message to me privately or ask in the ask box thingy!! I’ll answer your question(s) as soon as possible!!

Oh!! And, if you’re a beginner witch looking for some help; I’ll be more than happy to help you out!! I love helping people!

Have a wonderful day and stay safe!!

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sebbytrash · 4 years

Text

Through His Eyes - Part Fifteen

Summary - Bucky arrives at the compound to start afresh but you and him have a somewhat colorful past, colorful being that you met him once before as The Winter Soldier and it did not go well. New beginnings, yeah? If you can learn to forgive.

Pairing - Bucky x Reader

Warnings - Not much, a little angst, a little implied sexual content

A/N - OK here it is, finally managing to squeeze a little writing in whilst the baby is sleeping! I hope this is still something you guys enjoy, love you all so much for sticking with this one for the last (2) years!!

Through His Eyes Masterlist

Shit. ShitShitShit. You did it again.

You’ve woken, once again, tangled in the sheets with a very naked Bucky Barnes.

Shit.

You meant what you’d said about being friends, how could you not? But then you’d seen him standing there with all that anguish and been overwhelmed with the need to soothe it, soothe him. OK, yes, that should not necessarily lead to hopping straight back into bed with the man, but here you are. Zero self control and an abundance of poor decision making skills that combined spectacularly, the gunpowder and lead, fired directly at your life.

As you lie there pondering those life decisions, you listen to the sound of Bucky’s deep even breaths, realising after a few seconds that your breaths match his when his arm knots around your waist. It fits against you like it was missing all along, like there was an arm shaped whole across your ribs that's now filled in perfect proportion, almost how your breaths match his, too. There’s no one, you think, less suited for Bucky than you.

You leave without waking him, again.

“Sam.” You say, as you walk towards him in the kitchen, and then more urgently, “Sam.”

“Marshmallow, are you okay?” He asks, instantly worried at your tone and the sudden closeness to him, his face searching yours for signs of your usual demons.

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” You sigh, step forward and lean your head on his chest.

“Okay, do you wanna maybe explain?” He says, like your tone wasn’t enough, when you’d so obviously tried to project your thoughts into his head so you wouldn’t have to say them out loud.

You bite your lip and raise your head, wondering how on earth you say what you need to say to him, watching his face grow tighter and tighter in concern and force out in a rush, “I slept with Bucky.”

His face. Right away, his eyebrows were doing something entirely different to his eyes, and his eyes were doing something different to his mouth. He had three expressions at once. They all fight for dominance, or probably more accurately, simply line up in a row to give you all three in quick succession.

“You…” He begins, and the stops, and you begin to wonder how badly he’s going to yell at you for this that he needs so much time to arrange his thoughts when Bucky appears beside you.

“Hey Sam, Y/N.” He says simply, like he hasn’t just walked in on your word vomit, and then to Sam directly, “You ready to go?”

“Go?” You ask before you can stop yourself, more confused by Bucky talking to Sam than anything else.

“Yeah, to the VA. Bucky has been coming along with me.” Sam answers, still staring at you in that three-expressioned way. You glance at Bucky, worried he’s going to pick up this weird vibe but when you do, you find he’s looking at you already, giving you a different kind of look but one with no less weight to it.

“Oh.” You say, glance between them a little too long, “Oh! Ok, that's good. Right? Yeah. Good. I’ll just...leave you guys to it then?” You trip and stumble over the words almost as much as you do over your feet as you back away from them, letting your eyes take up too much space on your face.

Double shit.

It’s a few hours since your confession to Sam, you're sitting in your room with Netflix on in the background, staring at the door. You know it will knock, you're just wondering when it will and, more importantly, who it will be. Or, more accurately, who will be first.

Despite the staring, your startled when the knock sounds, heart suddenly throat bound and climbing. You know who it is by the knock alone.

“Can I come in?” Bucky asks when you open the door, a soft, unobstructed smile on his face, his hair tied neatly at the back of his head. You open it further in answer.

He sets down a paper bag on your side table as he does, hovers awkwardly at the edge of your couch like he isn’t sure if he should sit and you hate that, hate that your making him feel like that after all your progress.

You sit, and gesture for him to join you, “How was the VA?”

“It was good,” He says, rolls his tongue like he's measuring his words, “I like it there.”

Truthfully, it surprised you that he was going there, that he was mentioning it so casually now, that he was taking steps towards his own well being after so long of not.

“I’m glad.” You offer quietly, “You deserve to.”

He smiles at that, loses an inch in height as he does, settling into the silence with a comfort you’ll never master with it. Finally, he offers a branch, “So, no more nightmares then?” His subtle way of bringing it round to last night, or nights, and you laugh despite your trepidation.

“It must be your bed, so comfortable, it feels brand new.” You joke, if only to stall.

“Hmm, yeah I guess it is. Never slept in it till you.” He confesses, his smile still light despite the nature of it.

“You didn’t?” You ask, confused because where else would he be sleeping then and a flash of a memory pushes against your eyes. The night you saw Bucky having a nightmare, him all tangled up with his sheets on the floor. “Oh.”

“Yeah, turns out it's pretty common actually. Something from the war, not from Hydra.” He explains with such ease that you assume has come from his time spent at the VA, his time spent with Sam. Oh Sam, forever the friend, always the healer. Your heart is fit to burst with pride for him.

“You think you’ll stay there now? In the bed” You try not to weigh his recovery on the edge of the question.

He looks at you solidly as he answers, “Yeah, think I’m there for good now.”

Both of you jump as the door swings inwardly, Sam waltzing in like he lives there too and then halting, comically, when he spots you both on the couch looking a lot more guilty than you should for two people having a simple conversation. Like there was anything simple about either of you.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt, just wanted to finish our conversation from earlier, Y/N.” Sam says your name a little thicker than usual, hinting at what’s to come.

“I was just about to head out, anyway.” Bucky rushes, looks at you carefully and adds, “I’ll catch up with you later.” You find yourself nodding, even though you know you shouldn’t.

Sam claps him on the shoulder as he passes, waits till the door is closed before turning back to you, eyebrows near the damn ceiling, “You!”

“Me?” Your smile turns to a grimace under his stare.

“Yes, you. Dropping a bomb on me like that and then running off before I can disarm it.”

“In my defence, I had no idea you were about to leave.” You remind him, avoiding the topic altogether.

He takes Bucky’s spot on the couch beside you, arms folded across his chest as he turns to face you, “All right, let’s hear it.”

And so you explain, tell Sam about each of the encounters and how you’d gotten to this point and to his credit, he says little, makes no expressions that might reveal his thoughts, just lets you get it all out.

When you finally finish, you push the heels of your hands into your eye sockets, the hopelessness of the situation suddenly overwhelming, more so now that Sam knows. Now that your actions can be judged by someone sane and separate.

“I just…” You start, trying to explain how you felt, feel, “It was just nice to feel something else other than all the dark stuff, you know? And as weird as it is, he gets it, that feeling.”

“I can understand that.” He says after a pause, reaches over to take those hands from your face and hold them in his, solid, steady. So very Sam.

“It doesn’t mean anything.” You say, looking anywhere but at him.

“Yeah? Then why did you tell me?”

“I don’t know.” You answer honestly.

“I think you do.”

-----

Later, when Bucky knocks on your door far later than is polite, you consider ignoring it. Or you consider that you should ignore it. That you should do the right thing for you both, for him and let this be washed away like a fever dream.

You don’t.

-------

TAG LIST: @manawhaat @theashhole @captainrogerss @higherfurtherfasterbby @peculiar-persephone @captain-rogers-beard @chrisevansnco @howlingbarnes @poealsobucky @samingtonwilson @vintagevalentinexx @abovethesmokestacks @imhereforbvcky @avengerofyourheart @carriefish-er @stormy-thomas @danijimenezv @angelicthor @betheboo55 @palaiasaurus64 @raxacoricofallapatoriuspotter @johnmurphys-sass @katbird787 @sexyvixen7 @jobean12-blog @justreadingfics @justareader @smoothdogsgirl @theliarone @aikibriarrose @timeladylaurel @badassbakers @earinafae @crushed-pink-petals @tardis-is-mine @httpmcrvel @bucky2-0 @mocking-rain @sociallyimpairedme @jezzula @bless-my-demons @ign-is @indominusregina @-supernatural-coffee-llama @alwayshave-faith @itsonlysarah @superwholocknda @shifutheshihtzu @mizzzpink @yknott81 @haven-in-writing @xtina2191 @reniescarlett @notsoprettykitty @wickedwerewolf @ayeputita @tori-medusa-belongs-to-bucky @tatalopes23 @pineapplebooboo @mizzezm @thefridgeismybestie @memory-of-a-goldfish @supernatural-girl97 @standing-onthe-edge @ruinerofcheese @rosescentedblood @mysweetcookie99

#through his eyes #kale writes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #winter soldier x reader #marvel fanfiction

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wordfires · 5 years

Text

whoops more good omens

ok so to sum up i have zero (0) self control and i wrote another good omens thing and like its not good but it exists

apologies for not having a keep reading blame mobile and as per usual feedback is greatly appreciated

Crowley did not like how he felt towards that angel. Over the centuries, he had kept himself on such a tight leash, but that angel seemed to break down all his walls. No matter what he did, that angel got through to him. His smile that seemed to shine brighter than the sun, his eyes always so bright with joy, a gentle blue that Crowley couldn’t help admitting was his favourite colour - even as he only wore greys and blacks.

No - he couldn’t let himself think like this. It would never work.

He supposed that since he was a demon and Aziraphale was an angel it could count as sowing the seeds of evil, but he- he couldn’t do that to his angel. He couldn’t push Aziraphale to go so fast, especially into something he probably didn’t even want. Much less push him into something so against everything he stood for.

He couldn’t hurt Aziraphale like that if he tried. He could never hurt Aziraphale at all.

And he didn’t want to.

But something had Crowley pacing beside his telephone anxiously enough that the plants were shaking, their pots rattling on the ground only adding to his anxiety.

And that something was definitely not his feelings for Aziraphale or that he had done this so many times that the floor was a slightly paler shade.

Done this thing where he let all his anxieties and worries get to him and think about calling the only person that could ease them and then get halfway through dialing - if he even got that far - before giving up. Aziraphale didn’t need his issues.

Especially not after the mess that was the whole Armageddon affair. Even if the whole Armageddon affair had made everything locked up inside him so much more real.

Aziraphale had just gotten back to his bookshop - he was probably anxiously making sure all of his books were in place, making sure they were all intact, caring for them like Crowley wished the angel would care for him.

Fuck.

Tonight was not going to end well. Not if Crowley couldn’t get a hold on himself.

Which was something he had gotten worse at over the past week. Being that close to him - his self-control was slipping ever faster out of his grasp.

He stopped pacing - maybe stopping motion would stop thinking.

It didn’t. If anything, it made it so much worse. All the energy pent up inside him with nowhere to go - before he knew it he was out the door and in his Bentley, outside Aziraphale’s bookshop.

This was so much worse than calling.

Crowley ran one hand through his hair, drumming the steering wheel anxiously with the other. How had he even gotten here? Of course he knew the streets he had taken, he knew them better than he knew almost anything else. But how had he gone from another night pacing beside the phone to sitting outside the bookshop?

“Crowley?” A knock sounded at the passenger window accompanied by the voice he had so longed to hear. He jerked, nearly hitting his head turning to see.

Aziraphale.

The angel’s eyes were wide with surprise, a small smile playing across his lips - oh Hell, that smile always ruined his control.

“Is everything alright? You look like something’s gone wrong.”

Crowley was paralyzed, too many thoughts racing through his head to make sense of. All he could do was slowly roll down the window, and croak out, “Can I come in?”

Aziraphale’s smile widened, “Of course.”

Crowley barely managed to get out of the car, clinging on to everything he could, which meant clinging to Aziraphale when he swooped in to help Crowley even get to the door. The angel gently placed a hand at the small of his back, guiding him forward into the shop as Crowley went into a state of shock.

Electricity raced through him, his only thoughts of Aziraphale and oh fuck Aziraphale. His knees almost gave out beneath him, and he wasn’t quite sure he had kept a small gasp from escaping. He could feel his pulse everywhere in his body and before he could quite catch up with reality he was sat in an armchair across from Aziraphale, a warm cup of tea pressed into his hands.

“Now I know you don’t necessarily like eating and drinking,” Aziraphale was saying when Crowley finally came back to his body, “But you look like you need something.”

He looked down at the tea in his hands, not making eye contact, spluttering out “I- I, uh, see, I was thinking and uh y’know how thinking works and-”

“Crowley.” He looked up, meeting Aziraphale’s strong yet so gentle gaze. “Whatever is troubling you, you can tell me.”

“I love you.” He almost dropped the cup with the suddenness the words had fallen from his mouth.

Aziraphale sat up a little straighter, smiling cheerily with eyes bright, “Well, I love you too, Crowley.”

He’d lost control.

“No - I love you. And I don’t mean it like something you say to a good friend, I mean it more than anything else I’ve ever meant,” He stood up, struggling for a moment with all the words he wanted to say before sitting back down, his voice running with a mind of its own, “I’ve loved you since you gave away your sword and I can’t stop and I tried - I tried for so long because I know, I know you don’t feel the same and I go too fast for you and you’re not comfortable with a lot of the things I do and I don’t know why - why I’m telling you all this or why I feel all this.” He held his head in his hands, mumbling down to the floor, his voice breaking, “I don’t know why I’ve lost control.”

There was the soft rustling of clothes, and then Aziraphale was next to him, rubbing gentle circles into his back. “Crowley dear, when I said I loved you, I meant it. Truly.”

Crowley slowly lifted his head, a small hopeful expression reserved for Aziraphale on his face as he met the angel’s eyes. “You really mean it?”

Aziraphale smiled, moving his hand to cup Crowley’s head and pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead before meeting his eyes again. “Of course I do.”

Crowley’s shoulders sagged with thousands of years worth of relief, and he let himself be pulled into the angel’s embrace, returning it within moments and not letting go.

#good omens #ineffable husbands #wylan writes #my writing #hhhhhh this is so bad but im also So Desperate #i mean i dont know why im bothering since its not like anyone except like one person will look at it #but yknow #i can be bitter another time :)

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bentenharuki · 4 years

Text

I generally don’t do these but...

I will do this because it’s a badge of honor and a thank you for @todayintokyo who gives me a daily vibe out of my second fav Country in the world (first one is my own, of course. My messy, chaotic, genius Italy).

So for everyone interested (I won’t tag people either... if you are among my 250+ readers, do it as freely as you like to share this unexpected hard time along others. Sharing makes us all feel less stranded I guess :))

1. Are you staying home from work/school? Yep. My University (Milano Bicocca) holds in-house lessons and curses and also exams and testing are/will be online. What I miss most are the lab works and the exchanges with foreign schools. I took one a few months ago in London and I was supposed to have another in May but... NOPE, of course.

2. If you’re staying home, who’s there with you? I am alone in my apartment. At first it was supposed to be shared rent with somebody else but then my parents just bought this out and lent it to me. I know. I am spoiled. But very grateful for what I have. I always try to give back the best I can because no one has merits in being born in a family instead of another. (pieces of second-rate philosophy in all my LONG answers courtesy of my mum and her influence on me. She’s a University Professor and her field is.. guess what.. ETHICS PHILOSOPHY)

3. Do you have pets to keep you company? Nope. Not allowed. But I like cats. Cats. CATS. They are elegant, refined, very clean, and they give you consideration and affection ONLY if they like you. I prefer to conquer somebody’s love instead than to have it by default. Then I am naturally a cat person instead of a dog’s. But I like all animals (I like snakes as well, so my range is pretty wide ;)), even though I don’t feel missing any in house. Generally I would be out of home most of the day and no pet would be happy in staying that much alone. I miss my grandparents’ kitty tho :)

4. Who do you miss the most? Family. Friends. Meeting new people when out. And... (is it fine to say it?) Well... in these lockdown times I miss... human touch. (You get what kind). I was seeing a guy when this all started and my old boyf also came back into the picture somehow. All on hold. And I avoid to think how that makes me feel because even in case I’d figure it out, what comes if one can’t act on the awareness? Exactly. So I put it all in a LONG pause. But yeah... I miss contacts. A LOT.

5. When was the last time you left your home? I go out every Thursday to buy all my grocery stuff. I am very methodic. My supermarket is pretty near and it’s BIG and I get there right before it opens (well... one hour almost before it opens, so I can be among the firsts in line). I look like a ninja: very sporty and technically dressed (like for a running competition!) with clothes and shoes which are easy washable, tech mask (it is for cycling competition, with filters specifically medical: the mask is washable as well after you’ve used it, while the filter is obviously not), cotton fit gloves and over them medical gloves (I can’t wear directly medical gloves because my skin is very sensitive and I suffer from nickel allergia, which makes latex gloves a NO NO directly on skin), teck googles which cover also the side of my face (those are from cycling items too) and of course PODS in my ear because I can’t live without music :)

6. What was the last thing you bought? I bought online a few garden tools for my biggest balcony. I have ZERO skill with plants (and I am supposed to become a biologist... the nerve! LOL) but I am keen at making grow at least rosemery for my recipes. I have a little peach tree and it is all fine so far. I have hope I can do better and anyway I have time now ;)

7. Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed? I try to keep my routine as it was before. I wake up and perform all my tasks exactly as I was doing before this all started. I am VERY organized and to lax on that would ruin me, so I carefully focus on what I can control the best I can. It feels strange to say it maybe but... this way my mood isn’t particularly affected by this heavy revolution in my (and everyone elses’s) life.

8. Are you a homebody? NOPE. I love people, I love my Milan and its being always full of people everywhere. I love living in my town a TON, I love meeting friends anywhere, go dancing, I love to live my University life in this beautiful and renewed part of Milan; I like being surrounded by my people and meeting new ones. So being stuck at home would seem insufferable for me. But I learnt from this (there’s always something to learn in any experience) that I can be surprisingly ok with staying home too. I came to know better my neighbors. I feel a sense of community with everyone living nearby and I have come to love my domesticity too. It was a surprise for me first ^.^

9. What movies have you watched recently? In Italy, Italia 1 channel has had the WONDERFUL idea to rebroadcast all Harry Potter saga every Monday and Thursday. Today and tomorrow there are the last two installments, so I can say that is what I looked out the most for as in movie things these past weeks (funny how I never particularly adored the books of HP, I mean, I liked them but... being a Tolkien’s devotee Rowlings’ literary efforts always seemed lackluster to me.. and still I have always liked the movies. It’s incoherent I know ;)). But I have Sky at home so I can watch whatever movie I like to whenever I want to. And that leads to VERY little watch actually. I am reading a ton though. I watch what passes on in the National channels actually, out of digital and cable and decide to watch it or not. For instance last Friday Rai 1 (main Italian Channel) broadcasted one of my fav movies from the past three years, GIFTED (with Chris Evans and Octavia Spencer) and I rewatched it with immense pleasure.

10. An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled? OLYMPICS. I was supposed to be back in Japan with a a couple of friends and my bro for experience the Olympics (especially the volleyball tournaments) between July and August and that got (of course) cancelled. We plan to move it all to next year of course. But it hurts SO MUCH because it was easily what I was looking forward to BEST for all 2020. Hands down.

11. What’s the best and worst thing you’ve had to cancel? Look up. For the other question, I never plan things I don’t like (or at least I try my best not to) and I almost never find myself in the position of being happy for something I had going on which I had to pass due to circumstances. I am a very honest (sometimes to the point of bluntness, though with age I got trained in the fine art of diplomacy, which for me is declined especially in the “IGNORE WHAT IS NOT WORTHY degree) person and if there is something I don’t like I tend to not get involved with it in the first place.

12. Do you have any new hobbies? Eh... the longest list... I love so many things. Sport don’t count as hobbies to me because I treat them as part of my daily life constantly. So take them off. I like to write, to draw, to paint... I like reading, I like learning... I am a tech geek; I like gaming (but that I have to cut it or it would absorb me too much)... I like TRAVELING (that is cut off too of course nowadays), and many other things so I guess I don’t literally have SPACE for new hobbies. My many ones makes it impossible to fall for new things though lately I am becoming a better cook out of needs ;)

13. What are you out of? My lists are made as soon my things become “two items in from having 0″. This way I can’t run out of anything. Did I say already I am a HUGE control freak? THAT ;)

14. What music are you listening to? My itunes collections lists so far 12376 ALBUMS. Then I have the random songs. Latest one I bought (because I buy them all) is Achille Lauro’s latest 16 Marzo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb-9RESbeWA

I am also listening a lot to one of my bro’s fav bands Radiohead and as usual a lot to my beloved Imagine Dragons. My mum and dad are also telling me to listen to Bill Withers (who recently passed away) whole discography because he was amazing. I love many music genres. I love ALL which makes the spirit soar and rage and evolve and love and cry and hope.

15. What are you reading? So far in quarantine I read 5 books. I have now to start ORIGINS by Dan Brown. I pick the books I have left unread randomly and that was the pick this time (people gift me with books constantly because they know I am a bookworm when I have spare time).

16. What are you doing for self-care? Keep loving myself and life and the world exactly the way I used to before this all started.

17. Are you exercising? Yup. Tapis roulant, golf training, stepper (all in my house lucky me) and mat and weight training. I have a routine for which I have to train at least one hour a day. NO EXCEPTION. I miss swimming but I will do. I am also in recovery after January’s knee meniscus intervention so my schedules are also taking that into consideration.

18. How’s your toilet paper supply? I'm OK. :)

19. Have you made any changes to your hair during quarantine? Nope. I love to stylize my hair but I don’t have specific cuts. It grows long and then I play with them hairstyles: braids, buns, ponytails, partitions and the likes.. But I have bleached hair and I had to follow my hairdresser advice because I can’t allow ugly roots to take dominance of me ^.^ So I bought the necessary to self bleach them. No need to say as soon as I will be able to, Hairdressers and Massages and SPA will be my first destination ^.^ (beside visiting family and friends of course).

I am fairly sure I put lots of typos and mistakes in this but I have my online lesson just starting in 8 minutes and I can’t review this (I generally never do it anyway). So forgive me and have a beautiful day ;)

STAY SAFE OUT THERE!!! Hugs K.

#ask list #wow my first one #and probably my last #covid19 #quarantine #lockdown #italy #milan #tag your friends #coronavirus

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volentixio-blog · 5 years

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SIAN: Identity 2.0

Intro

S.I.A.N. stands for Sovereign Identity Attestation Network. This network is designed to provide users with the ability to control their identities online.

The following article creates a parallel between the physical world, and how data and identities are managed and the digital world. The overall conclusions of this article are that our digital identities, in function, do not reflect the behavior in the digital world. It is therefore theorized that changes are required in the digital world in order to better reflect the physical world in order to create a baseline architecture for our identity online.

The premise, for a system like SIAN, is that it all begins and ends at the data level. Whoever controls that data, and access to it, controls the narrative about you and your identity. The long and the short of the article is this: You should control your data online. All of it.

The Physical World

Let’s begin by looking at our day to day and how identity plays a part. Think about how you interact with the environment. To the barista, you present a version of yourself and they present a version to you. The identity you share is likely to be pretty surface stuff. At best they know your first name. A tiny piece of data. But they do not know any other data about you. Your address, government ID, passport number, or anything else of relevance about you remains with you and is not shared. You are still you, however, you are controlling the data you are leaking which ends up forming the identity presented.

Your work identity manifests, in all likelihood, more data about you than the barista identity does. Your first name, email, phone, LinkedIn, specialty, and rank are all available to the entire group, and, for the most part, this seems sensible. But your work identity is unlikely to share details about your more intimate self. Weekends with close friends. Moments alone with your spouse. The time you almost got into some real trouble. Whatever. A million things and a million things more.

Beyond these two simple identities, exist many others that all share one common aspect. You are in control of the data presented through each one of these identities. To the barista, it’s one you. To your boss, it’s another. Your friends. It’s not you being fake. It’s not dishonest. It’s not a mental issue. It's reality. It’s the way it works.

Let’s discuss the elephant in the room. People talk. You tell someone something, what’s stopping them from telling another? And so on and so on. In the real world, how people respect the data you provide them is something that remains outside of your control. It’s the element of trust you need to both shares. Sometimes that trust is broken. Sometimes it is not. In the real world, once you share something, you cannot unshare it.

Over time, humans have evolved in how they trade and form communities. In the beginning, the form remained mainly tribal. You knew everyone and everyone knew you. If you turned out to be someone who cannot be trusted, then the entire tribe, in effect your entire world, may turn their backs on you. You would be alone.

As civilization began to expand, new ways of trust needed to be developed. Away in which trade could be conducted without knowing the other party intimately. This new form of trust took the form of councils, guilds, clergy, banks, and governments. A third party that would be accountable to provide trust between two parties. A middle man. Basically, this third party would reside between two entities. Both parties trust this middle man to attest to the character, identity, and honor of the other. And in such a fashion, a business can be conducted.

Just a note. Much can be said about the current mechanics of these third-party middlemen. Without a doubt this function is required in any large scale ecosystem, however, they are not without their flaws. Centralization is the most pressing followed quickly by the behaviors driving data hoarding. In truth, both subjects are well beyond the scope of this article.

The Digital World

Now think of identity in the digital world. Who owns your identity? Certainly not you. Worse still, its federated into silos that do not share your data even if you wanted them to. Adding insult to injury, sometimes these silos do communicate between themselves, generally for profit, think ad networks, without your permission. No doubt that buried within the user agreement such a clause exists, however, for all intensive purposes we are being held at gunpoint.

So to be clear, the problem is, you do not control your data. That is the problem. Your data is how you manage your identity online. It’s those little nuggets that tell your story or at least the story you want to tell. When you are seeking employment, you know they are checking your Facebook and LinkedIn. Is that you? Do you feel that is the right way to tell your story at that moment? I don’t think so. I believe that all of us are far more complex and rich than any diluted ‘reflection’ a centralized provider can offer.

Note:

To be honest, the problem of social networks will persist for a long time to come. We are a victim of our own willingness to connect with each other. We have been exploited for profit and the whole social network thing is just going to have to play itself out. So for now, ignore the massive change that needs to take place to shift from a centralized social network into a decentralized one. Instead, I would ask you to think about other use cases such as biometric data and other emergent streams of information about you.

All this new data should be owned by you and you alone. You should be able to control what data apps have access to rather than the other way around. Developers of an application should require zero back end infrastructure because the hard part, data management, is being managed by the network itself. This alone significantly lowers the bar of entry for entrepreneurs and engineers to enter the marketplace without the longest of uphill grinds.

This small shift in computer architecture, the pivot of applications owning data to you owning the data, cannot be understated. App developers will be able to use data generated through other apps with no restrictions. You, after all, control if this new app can view this data, not the original application that generated the data. For example, if your watches biometric data gets stored in your data store, then another application developer will be able to leverage this data in order to provide a service. Simple services like heart monitors are obvious, however, other services would also be viable to construct with a small team of developers that provide advanced services for use cases such as outpatient care.

Just like the real world, the digital world will need middlemen in order to provide trust between two parties. However, just like the real world, you will also need centralized authorize to parley this trust for you. That's ok and SIAN has been architected to accommodate this scenario. For example, sometimes you must provide compliance for the region you are conducting business in, and, as a result, need attestation from the region's government. This scenario is unlikely to change for a very long time.

But let’s be honest, we all aren’t making large investments in foreign lands, we are just looking to trade online. In this case, will still require third-party middlemen to broker trust between the parties. Some cases will require a formal entity, however, other cases can be rectified in a much simpler fashion just as it is in the real world. For example, if Joe wants to work with me on something, and I don’t know Joe but my friend Susan does, and Susan trusts Joe, and I trust Susan, then I will trust Joe.

The mechanics, use cases, and functions of the trusted network continue and get pretty verbose as they go along so I will save it for another article. However, in closing, I would like to make it clear that, as with the data, you, the user, the control of your identity, also remain in full control of who you trust as a third party when conducting business. As they do not control your data, they become pluggable and can be replaced at any time for another trust verifier. As long as both parties trust the same verifier they will be able to derive trust between each other.

Conclusion

The SIAN network is a baseline protocol for people to manage their identities in a digital world. Is the underlying understanding we need to share in order to achieve true self-management of identities online. The main two facets to this protocol are:

You own your data outright

You decide what data is shared with someone else.

In an ideal world, we would also add a third protocol. That protocol would be decentralization. However, we must admit to ourselves that centralist interests will still retain control over many of our identities for the foreseeable future, and, as a result, make room for them within the architecture.

Wrapping up, we require, as a community, a system that will protect the user, their data, and their identity online based on the same principles we find in the real world. Today's centralized systems control your data and identity online in order to exploit it for their own benefits. However, moving forward we need new mechanics, tools, and techniques in order to decouple data from the applications they serve in order to ensure the user is in the driver’s seat moving forward.

Read More->https://volentix.io/en/sian-identity-2-0/

#Cryptocurrency #Volentix #VTX #SIAN #Sovereign Identity Attestation Network

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douchebagbrainwaves · 5 years

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OK, I'LL TELL YOU YOU ABOUT MEN

If you use a threshold, make it through a PhD program in physics at Berkeley to do this is to treat some as more interesting than others. I've mentioned here. But I know the power of the forces that generate them.1 CEOs, movie stars, hedge fund managers, professional athletes. But companies do.2 For years I've been telling founders that the surest route to success is to be actively persecuted. Just as you can and watch what it's doing. And so the kids become one another's opponents. But in both cases the default is something worse.

It feels that way for everyone.3 And anyone who makes the same mistakes probably didn't do it. I can't think of them is that when you look at an incoming mail you find more interesting tokens, meaning those with probabilities far from. It's hard to imagine a topic less interesting than symbolism in Dickens. The most common is to grant patents that shouldn't be granted.4 By conventional standards, Jobs and Wozniak must have had to work in a place where there was infrastructure for startups, big companies are extremely good at denial. But there might be things that appealed particularly to men, or to prevent you from competing with them, but nowadays data about who gets selected is often publicly available to anyone who takes the trouble to attack them from an oblique angle, they'll meet you half-way and maneuver to keep you in their blind spot.5 Instead IBM ended up using all its power in the market to give Microsoft control of the PC standard in their lap. 9198 Url free 0. And yet you can see and fix it in yours; imitate writers you like; if you want to patent an algorithm, you have a big advantage.6

If this paradigm is crowded, just wait for the next Bill Gates.7 There's no manipulation in that. I now had to write in school is that a real essay, you already know most of what you need to learn to watch from a distance. Ideally, no one will return your phone calls. One wrote: While I did enjoy developing for the iPhone, you could presumably get them to switch.8 Chardin decided to skip all that and paint ordinary things as he saw them. And unless the forms of technological progress that produced these things are subject to different laws than technological progress in general, just as an engraver needs the resistance of an audience, just as they do for standardized tests?9

They found that even when the radiologists missed a cancerous lesion, their eyes had usually paused at the site of it.10 Even the newest apprentice could be a problem. The way you get big returns is not by trying to ensure you get some of the time we were all, students and teachers both, just going through the usual channels to become one yourself, and perhaps whether you want to take money from, if you can arrange that we keep hearing from you, you won't have any artists. Another way of saying: we don't like your type around here.11 For tokens that occur only in the sciences that heresy pays off. Have you ever seen an old photo of yourself and been embarrassed at the way you looked?12 Both self-control and experience have this effect: to eliminate the random biases that come from your own circumstances, and tricks played by the artist. Which topics engage people's identity depends on the people rather than ideas. Before that, kids' lives are dominated by their parents, not by other kids.

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, says the Old Testament Proverbs 17:28. And if you feel you have to choose projects that can keep them all busy. I ignored the headers too.13 And practically all startups, even the smallest minorities can achieve a critical mass if they clump together.14 You already know where you're going, and you need some ability to ferret out the unexpected? The huge volume of the spam, which has so far worked in the spammer's favor, would now work against him, like a digital image rendered with more pixels. You plonk down a bunch of startups die. The needs of customers and the means of satisfying them are all in one head is to focus on real work.

Notes

The greatest damage that photography has done to their returns.

If your income tax rate is 10%, moving to Monaco would give you term sheets.

Cell phone handset makers are satisfied to sell early for us, they have zero ability to change the world of the most surprising things I've learned about VC inattentiveness. The way to do is say you've reformed, and that he be spared. Moving large amounts of money. Google is not to pay employees this way that makes you a question you don't know of any that died from releasing something full of bugs, and suddenly they need to do with the Supreme Court's 1982 decision in Edgar v.

I could pick them, initially, were ways to help a society generally is to write your dissertation in the next round, no one is harder, the government. As Clinton himself discovered to his house, the only way to be their personal IT consultants, building anything they could be adjacent. This is what you do in a difficult position.

There is nothing you can do to get significant numbers of users comes from. In the Daddy Model that it refers to instant ramen, which shoppers used to do the startup after you, they'll have big bags of cumin for the future, and graph theory.

We currently advise startups mostly to ignore competitors. If an investor they already know; but random is pretty bad. I've also heard them called Mini-VCs.

Lecuyer, Christophe, Making Silicon Valley it seemed thinkable to start software companies constrained in a couple predecessors.

It took a shot at destroying Boston's in the life of a severe-looking little box with a neologism. In fairness, I would go farther in saying that good paintings must have been lured into this sort of idea are statistics about fundraising is a meaningful idea for human audiences. It's worth taking extreme measures to avoid sticking. Super-angels gradually to erode.

If he's bad at it he'll work very hard and doesn't get paid much.

The angels had convertible debt is a facebook exclusively for college students. See particularly the mail by Anton van Straaten on semantic compression.

Because it's better and it has to their stems, but they seem like noise.

92. It would probably be a problem later. Which in turn the most successful startups looked when they decide on the summer of 1914 as if the potential users, however, by doing another round that values the company.

So if you're attacked in this article are translated into Common Lisp for, believe it, I'm not saying that if colleges want to.

Or you make money from mediocre investors almost all do, I'll have people nagging me for features. Except text editors and compilers.

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chloemill · 5 years

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On what I’ve been up to the last nine years

I have always been obsessed with food. It seems silly, honestly, to be obsessed with something that’s a basic human necessity. Food, water, shelter. Too bad there aren’t water disorders or I’d be all over that. Alcoholism, I guess, is a liquid-based disorder? This is getting dark quickly but I guess we should all know what we’re getting into with this one, shouldn’t we.

So, yeah, I’ve always been obsessed with food. I have alarmingly clear memories of food from childhood, and the sad(dest) part is most of it’s not even real fucking food, it’s like, cartoon food. I could probably describe every illustration from the Berenstain Bears installment where the dad bear and the kid bears randomly decide to go balls to the fucking wall and just mainline junk food until the mom bear is like “what the fuck is going on here” and gives them all apples or some shit and then everyone chills the fuck out. The pizza in A Goofy Movie when Goofy and Max randomly stop at a themed motel and the kids eat pizza while Goofy and Pete share what I remember to be a vaguely sexual moment in the hot tub? (There was definitely at LEAST a questionable power dynamic at play.) The kid at school whose weird helicopter mom came at lunch and hand-delivered her McDonald’s nuggets to the playground. Bake sales in the second grade - the cookies and brownies and “nachos” that were just round Tostitos with that terrifying and delicious fake cheese sauce that still honestly casts a spell twenty years later. It wasn’t quite normal, but as a kid, I didn’t think twice. When your parents are feeding you and your brain is the size of a baseball, you just kind of roll with the punches and settle for buying as much crap as possible at the bake sale with the two bucks your mom gave you. Shortly after I finished elementary school, actually, I think they stopped having bake sales as fundraisers because the school was trying to promote healthy eating. Go figure.

In high school we were allowed to go off campus for lunch and once or twice a week my sainted mother would give me money to buy lunch. It very rapidly became the bi-weekly Let’s See How Much Shit We Can Stuff In Our Body For Ten Dollars Challenge, but that’s not at all uncommon for high schoolers. At home we ate healthily, and I have a pretty fast metabolism thanks to my Slenderman of a father so I was more or less the size of a pencil for first few years of school. We’re talking, like, size double zero at Hollister. I actually used to peel the 00 size stickers off my low rise (!!!) jeans whenever I’d get a new pair and stick them on the side of my desk in my bedroom, which, as I became a normal-sized adult with not-normal-sized body image problems, morphed into a very creative form of self-inflicted psychological torment. I have some journal entries from the first few years of high school with “diet and workout plans”, but in teenage girl fashion, most of them were quickly forgotten about or amended with “forgot and ate mac and cheese today - whoops!” Stupid teenage shit. It’s actually kind of hilarious reading it back now until I remember how spectacularly fucked up everything got. ANYWAY!

My first real memory of hating my body was on a school trip to Scotland my junior year. I was fully indoctrinated into the cult of high school musical theatre and we were performing at the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, which was an incredibly cool experience that I absolutely did NOT take full advantage of and instead did shit like drink way too much rum (fucking RUM because apparently I was a character in Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise), try to climb out the window of the dorms we were staying in to go see my boyfriend in his building, quickly remember I was on like the fucking fourth floor, throw up all over the carpet of my room and then pass out. My room smelled like puke the rest of the trip but that, though tragic in its own right, is not the point of this anecdote. Being both across the pond and left to my own devices, I was eating nothing but beige-colored fried food to the point that I’m certain ketchup and fruit juice used solely as a mixer for alcohol were the only things saving me from full-blown scurvy. My clothes felt tight, and not in the 2010s way that everything was tight, but bad tight. My stomach poked out of my jeans in a way that my stomach wasn’t supposed to poke out of my jeans. Keep in mind - I was probably a size 0 instead of 00 at this point, and most of this change was just a product of being sixteen instead of fourteen and growing, but to me it felt ominous in a way I didn’t know how to explain. During a group trip to some Scottish landmark or another (see how much attention I paid to this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity my parents spent their hard-earned money to give me?) I remember sitting next to my close friend on the bus as we pulled over to stop for food. I was having relationship trouble with the aforementioned boyfriend, one of the first of many Musical Theatre Straight Boys™ that I would lose my fucking mind over, and I was getting emotional - more emotional than I expected. I realized something else was bothering me, and I turned to her and said “On top of everything else, I just feel… fat. I know I’m not fat, but I’m fat, like, for me.”

Two things here: first and foremost, yes, for that I know I am now the recipient of the Most Annoying Sentence Ever Spoken Aloud award and will provide the mailing address for my trophy at a later date. Second, I said that over ten years ago, and I remember it so clearly that I’m entirely sure that’s exactly what I said, verbatim. We got off the bus, and I walked into the restaurant and, after scanning the menu desperately trying to convince myself I should order something “healthy”, I ordered large steak fries and got back on the bus. I think this was the first time I ever really, consciously used food as a coping mechanism - the first time something small but powerful snapped in my head that told me fuck it - who the fuck cares? You’ve done enough damage already, what’s the point of stopping now?

High school ended, I graduated and we sang “Journey On” from Ragtime at the ceremony (baffling choice but the school was doing Ragtime next year and wanted to squeeze a promo out), I got into several of my top-choice musical theatre colleges and was so excited to go to the one I picked, which, you’ll be charmed to hear, was the absolute worst choice I could’ve made. I was 18 and a little bigger now, firmly in size 0/2 instead of 00 territory, had maybe graduated to a 32B bra instead of A, but still very thin by most standards. This was my first summer as a Very Online Person - I would stay up tlil probably 3 or 4 AM most nights blogging and watching Harry Potter movies for the umpteenth time. Because the rest of my family was, how do I put it, fucking normal, they’d go to bed at 11 or whenever and I’d be up alone for hours on the computer. This is when I started bingeing. We didn’t really keep junk food in my house, nothing legit like Cheetos or Ben and Jerry’s or whatever, but we did have sugar cereal and reduced-fat Oreos and cheese and the occasional box of Triscuts. It became a nightly ritual for me - I’d wait for everyone to go to bed, then tiptoe in to the kitchen and, though I’d eaten dinner hours earlier, start eating again. Stacks of Oreos, multiple bowls of cereal, shredded cheese out of the bag. After a while my mom heard me banging around in the kitchen and told me (in so many words) to shut the fuck up, so my methods changed. I’d bring the box of cereal - Rice Krispies or Cocoa Puffs or whatever - a bowl, and a carton of milk into the bathroom with me. I’d run the sink and open the box and pour the cereal with the water running so no one would hear, and then I’d creep back out to the couch and eat it. Box of Oreos into the bathroom, water on, peel open the plastic, take out the biggest stack I thought I could with no one noticing, eat. Three or four granola bars into the bathroom, water on, wrappers off and hidden behind my bed or the couch or wherever, eat. Rinse and repeat.

I didn’t really know what binge eating was at this point, and some tiny, dark part of my brain buried way in the back told me that this wasn’t normal and it wasn’t good, but I pushed it away because of course I did. I did a few Google searches about it and came across the term “binge eating disorder” but was convinced that could never be me. This was just a thing, just a thing I was doing, and it would go away at the end of the summer when I went away to college because that’s when life was actually starting and it was going to be awesome and I wasn’t going to let this - whatever this was - fuck that up.

But I did, in fact, fuck it up. I fucked it up fast and hard (that’s what she said, ok back to being depressing) and college was not awesome, it was difficult and painful and I was drowning in something I had absolutely no chance of controlling on my own. I accepted very quickly that this thing I was doing had a name, and it was binge eating disorder, and I was all in. I gained weight - not a ton, maybe twenty pounds, and I was never actually overweight, but to me that didn’t matter. I hated how I looked. I overdrew my bank account spending money my mom gave me for groceries on binge food. I spent hours alone in the dining hall eating till I felt physically ill and sometimes threw up involuntarily because my body couldn’t handle what I was doing. One time I stood in the bathroom of my dorm and drank mustard mixed with warm water because I read online that makes you puke and I was so full I wanted to die (it didn’t work, please for the love of GOD don’t drink mustard water or, for that matter, anything else for the express purpose of making yourself vomit). I cancelled plans with friends and skipped classes to stay in and binge, or because I’d binged already that day and could barely move. I stole food from roommates, convincing myself no one would notice, even though of course they fucking noticed. I hid food and packaging and wrappers under my bed, in my closet, in my backpack, wherever I could because I didn’t want anyone to catch on. Lied about why I needed money so my parents would send me some and I could buy more shit. I ate stale food, food from the trash, once I literally ate straight up chocolate sauce (mustard water and chocolate sauce: 10 out of 10 doctors recommend!) because I had nothing else. Waking up for 8 AM ballet classes and seeing my body in a leotard under fluorescent lighting felt like a form of torture Dick Cheney might think was a little too harsh. I saw a therapist over the summers and ate with my parents at home, and things got better, and then I’d go back to school and everything would unravel again. I’m still kind of shocked I made it through.

I’ve been done with school and living in the city for five years now, and I can honestly say that things are better. I mean, not “better”, in the sense that this chapter of the book is still pretty fucking open. But I’m better at dealing with it. The majority of the time now, I eat normally. I still binge, sometimes a lot and sometimes a little, but I carry on and try again the next day. I don’t really restrict to make up for binges anymore. I can eat some foods now that used to send me straight into Eatin’ Town USA, like cheese and bread and maybe even Oreos sometimes. I started enjoying working out, not just logging time on the treadmill as a punishment and feeling like Jean Valjean in the opening number of Les Mis (look down look down you’RE HERE UNTIL YOU DI-IE).

To be honest, I think I’m writing this mostly because the last couple months have been hard. I’ve fallen into some old stupid shitty habits, and I’ve been plugging along like normal and trying to claw myself out. But it’s not quite working like it normally does, and I don’t know why. I know I’ll make it through, because I always have, and what other option is there? But some days lately, I feel like twenty-year-old me, sobbing (very theatrically, natch) on the floor of my apartment because I should be over this by now - how am I not over this by now? This is my ninth year as a binge eater. Almost a decade! Far and away my longest and most committed relationship. When I hit 10 years strong, I should take myself out to a fancy restaurant or something but I don’t know what I’d order.

When I tell people this, I usually get some kind of “I had no idea”/“I’m sorry I didn’t notice”/“I would’ve never guessed” and the truth is that I didn’t, and still don’t, want anyone to notice. Of course I don’t. You don’t hide candy wrappers and empty pizza boxes in your closet with your winter boots because you want people to notice. It’s a very strange and secretive brand of shame that binge eating disorder brings and no one really get it unless they get it, and that’s not something I’d wish on anyone. (Okay, honestly, I’d wish it on some people, like it’s hard as hell but some people suck ass and probably deserve it? Anyway.) As I’ve grown up, I’ve started talking about this more and more. The first time I went public with all of this shit - I think I made a dramatic Instagram post a few years ago whilst day drunk during National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (absolutely incredible and Very Me start to a sentence) - I was shocked at how many people reached out to me privately and were like, hey, me too, and thank you for saying something. I’m still ashamed, but I’m trying not to be, and the more I talk about it the less alone I feel. “There are dozens of us! DOZENS!”

I guess one nice thing about this whole stupid nightmare is it’s kind of a reason why I am who I am. Not the only reason, but still. I started using jokes to cope with this while I was in school, and my sense of humor, whatever the fuck it is today, grew out of that. Except now I don’t joke about this stupid shit because I’m in denial, I do it because it’s real and I’m staring it in the face and it’s not going away, and the absurdity of something so excruciatingly difficult yet so entirely in my control gets fucking terrifying. I guess laughing at it makes it seem small.

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