#i haven’t explained to her how exactly I feel abt my gender bc I’m terrified she’s going to think I’m making shit up

[mulletmammon]

......

#having like a weird disconnect w myself and my personal identity #I can’t tell if this is a gender thing or a dissociation thing or what #my name doesnt feel like mine anymore ig??? like none of the names I’ve ever used feel right rn #and like. I started thinking abt how my rsd has affected the way I interact w media and other ppl so heavily #like I’m afraid to tell anyone anything abt myself bc I’ve been made fun of for things in the past and I’m so terrified of it happening #again #only one of my irl friends knows I’m nb but she doesn’t know that I go by a different name around new friends I’ve made #i haven’t explained to her how exactly I feel abt my gender bc I’m terrified she’s going to think I’m making shit up #I mean damn I can’t tell her or my other irls abt my life online at all bc they don’t even know I have a tumblr #they have no idea I play otome games or watch anime currently (god forbid I’m in a fandom for these things) bc I know they’ll judge #they may not tell me they’re judging me but I know who they are and what they think is cringey and Ik they would judge me for it #idk I feel like I’m living a double life #and I’m terrified of even introducing my new friends to ppl who’ve been in my life for a long time #bc I’m terrified of being accidentally outed #and like u could tell me u won’t mess up u won’t accidentally call me mars in front of those ppl all u want but #I won’t believe u bc I’ve been accidentally outed on 3 separate occasions in my life and every time it’s been fucking disastrous #anyway this was a long ass rant if u read all of this I’m sorry #I have issues I guess #chatterbox