#i haven't been able to brain enough to write the past few days | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

drewsaturday · 4 months

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i've had such a weird relationship with making fanon things lately for a few diff reasons i think.

i haven't rly been inspired enough to take things beyond my thoughts and make an actual thing out of them. part of this is probs bc of my medication. the other part is that...

i don't have the time to dig too deeply into my favorite things rn. this means i don't dig up new parts to feel excited about, i don't feel Qualified to carry those ideas out bc my understanding of the source material is so limited and people expect waaaay too much quality from fanworks these days, and i feel like i'll never be able to finish what i start anyway.

lastly, i've been doing fandom so repetitively i'm just... tired? of the same thing over and over again. i work on a thing, i polish the thing, i post the thing, i wait for feedback that is either nice/mean/empty, rinse and repeat. the solution would be to just not post these things, but why go through all that effort to carry something up out of an idea stage then since that's what makes me most excited? and if i spend the time drafting, it feels like a waste of time since it's not going to go anywhere.

i do think a lot of this is medication, because it dulls Just how insane i am capable of getting about a thing. in the past i would have sooo much drive because i felt like if i didn't make a thing, i'd explode. i don't rly get that anymore, at least not in a big enough burst to keep me working on things very long.

i've instead been thinking a lot about diving into original content because... although i make everything for fun, i think original stuff has way less of the above issues attached.

there's no time limit. i'm not... "competing" for being able to get an idea done first, or trying to get a fanfic out while there's still hype over a show, or worrying about my work being ooc compared to someone else's, or worrying the fandom landscape i vibe with is going to change when people move on.

it's theoretically not as repetitive. i'm sure the things i'm interested in shows are similar to what i come up with from my brain, and i could just try to make different things for fandom than i'm used to. but i am kind of tired of my inability to do anything besides hurt/comfort oneshots for the same kind of pairing over and over again. this would force me to actually develop other shit too lmfao.

it's Technically something i could profit off of if i really wanted to, making it less of a waste of time. for fandom, it feels like a waste of time if i'm not putting a fanon thing out for other fans to see. it also feels like i put a ton of work into my own little understanding of a show--fleshing out backstories and worldbuilding etc. so if i move onto another fandom... it feels like it was all for nothing, esp if i don't make something from it all. ideally i would be doing it just for the fun but there needs to be some balance with what i consider pay-off. and since i usually don't stay motivated long enough to do these big huge projects, or people move on, or other people do the idea first because i work so slow, it's just gotten rly un-motivating.

there's like, layers of motivation imo. i like a thing and i get excitement about making stuff for it and exploring certain parts of it. and i can do that for myself, but to make it stand on its own enough to post for other people to see isn't something i currently get enough motivation for. and because of that, it makes the fun part feel like a waste of time i guess.

i usually stay away from my own original stuff bc i honestly just don't feel the level of excitement with it as i have felt with fandom in the past, and... it's just harder lmao? but i think it would be good for me to at least fuck around with it.

fandom started as a vessel for creativity for me. i wanted to make videos, it gave me footage. i wanted to draw, it gave me designs for characters. i wanted to write, it gave me a sandbox to play in. and i still find those things fun, but i guess it just feels like i'm limiting myself by only playing with other people's dolls in a public park for all to see. like i'm just not as connected to the Making part as a hobby or to the parts of myself i would put into it.

idk, i am just rambling and i think honestly if i Did have more time it would help take a lot of the above pressures and risks away and balance me out so that making silly little fanfics sometimes would feel more worth it because i'd feel free to do other things as well.

i also do sort of get glued to the screen when i'm in mode of making and posting things and i'd like to uhhh. do other things with my life too sometimes lmfao. part of this boredom does probably stem from being chronically ill and therefore barely leaving my house. i haven't been able to do other things beyond fanon creations in years. so no wonder i'd feel less inspired and more bored.

i also think i've gotten tired of watching things feeling like a chore. oh shit i need to write down this scene so i can use it on a fanvid, or make sure i take note of this piece of dialogue for this character's backstory, etc. i know i bitch about how i don't hate the word "content creator" bc it is just an easier catch-all for me as someone who makes lots of diff things, and i still agree with that, but i do think because of my own levels of perfectionism, mixed with honestly how weirdly expectant of quality fandom has become, it's become a chore to engage with source material.

another thing is i've always felt like i've needed a purpose in what i've made and that purpose tends to be justified by the community interactions. it makes me feel less lonely and it helps me feel inspired and like... it doesn't hurt to know you'll get feedback on something because you've found so many supportive friends in it. i rly just haven't landed in any new communities i vibe with a ton for the things ive gotten into lately, so there's less motivation there. that's not to say anyone's Bad, just... discord servers are too big, tags are too dead or all over the place, i don't message people to become friends, and the communities and friends i do have from fandom are all kinda doing different things rn, etc.

the other form of purpose would be challenges--exchanges, bingos, etc. this fanwork isn't just a random thing for fun, it has a reason for me to work on it enough to let it see the light of day. and i think i've kinda broken my brain a bit using those for motivation so much, but the alternative would be to never get anything into a publishable state, but without it being a publishable state and interacting with communities through it there's no reason for me to really spend all that much time on it in the first place, which means i'm really not getting to Create.

i think the biggest issue these days if every part of the creative process now feels like it's "for show" and original stuff that has literally no audience is the only way to kinda undo the amount of rules that's put on me and my creativity.

tl;dr i'm just not feeling the same fulfillment from making fanon stuff as i used to so i guess i need to experiment with making other things so i can still do the Making part and see where that lands me, and see if it can help undo some of the toxic mentalities being an exclusively fandom girlie for so long has kinda instilled in me.

i'm sure i'll still make fanon shit every so often--i honestly have been so busy that output won't be noticeably different from my usual once every five months contributions. i just need to get back into the right blend of circumstances for it to feel worth it, and until then i guess i need to dig out the dolls from my own attic instead of someone else's so i can have a less complicated vessel for creative hobbies because i'm fairly certain i'd still like to create.

#txt #this is just a v long ramble that im not sure makes much sense honestly or will be readable to anyone but myself at this point but eh #just needed to word it all out #...also just remembered another reason that causes that imbalance of fun #is chronic pain making certain art forms like drawing quite painful so although i've been wanting to learn art techniques #and practice generally in non-fandomy ways #i'm stopped by how it's more worth it to sketch a blorbo every so often #but idk i want to try figuring out better ways of going about that for myself and #since i can't have both fandom and original without pushing myself too far i kinda have to Choose art advancement #over stupid blorbo drawings #same with if i spend too much time typing etc #and that plus time constraints are why im making it out to be such a one or the other thing #but it also... is...#because i rly don't think i can keep doing fanon stuff without at least mixing things up somehow #if not moving to original stuff altogether #i do think that once im out of school and i have a more stable schedule #i'll be able to set aside specific free time each day as opposed to being all over the place #and that will help as well so i don't feel Guilty over creating things #when i should/could be doing something more productive bc i also do want to move my life forward rather than being SO escapist #and the guilt aspect gets in the way a lot more than it when i had more passion to beat it back with #that rly is my own fault tho for being in charge of my own schedule and being so bad at it lol #one last little note for myself is i think a lot abt non-fandomy hobbies i have like music #where yeah ive made some filks but for the most part idk what im doing #im just there to have fun and enjoy myself bc it's just... the entire reason i do it #and i dont rly get that from the things i also can use for fanon creations these days more readily

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maerinhearts · 2 years

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Camping

I watched life lessons with Uramichi for the second time and fell in love with Kumatani all over again. Ever since I posted asking for recommendations on which anime guy to write the camping one shot about, I've been lost. But while watching Uramichi again a light bulb went off in my brain and was like "KUMATANI". So here we are. If you haven't watched Life Lessons With Uramichi-Oniisan please do so. It is such a severely underrated show.

Warnings: fem!bodied reader, fingering, Kumatani is possessive, teasing, creampie, fingers in mouth. Let me know if I missed anything.

Word count: honestly have no clue since I typed this all on my phone for once. But it's gotta be over 3k.

A/N: I've been royally sucking at posting lately, but I've had a few great ideas in the last couple of weeks that I will be posting. Please enjoy, even if you've never watched Life Lessons!

Life had been rough the past few weeks. It felt like you and Kumatani didn't have any time for each other anymore. It sucked. And it made the days drag. You had only been dating a couple months, trying to make time for each other whenever you could, but with his work schedule and his friend constantly wanting to go out for drinks, it had been insanely hard to see him. In fact, you barely received texts from him anymore. He made time to tell you good morning and good night every day, but you've never felt more lonely.

And on the one random Sunday he was able to get off, he was sprawled out on your couch, head resting against your thighs, eyes closed. He was soaking up this time with you, trying not to fall asleep as you massage his scalp with your fingernails.

You're trying your hardest not to ruin the moment. You wanted to jump his bones from the second he walked through your door and pulled you tight against his body. You especially had to restrain yourself when he pressed his soft lips against yours in a sweet peck, pulling away to admire the pout you were sporting. You wanted him so bad. If he could tell, he didn't say anything, just stepped around you and flopped his lean body onto your couch. And thats how you got into the position you were in now. He had insisted he needed a pillow, but when you moved to get him one for your room he complained that he needed your plump thighs as his pillow.

"Oh," he finally says, breaking the silence, "Before I forget..."

You raise an eyebrow at him as he opens his eyes to look at you. "Hmm?" You hum in response.

He sighs. "I got invited to go camping with a couple of my coworkers this weekend. They want you to come," he informs you.

You feel your heart skip a beat. An entire weekend with Kumatani? Your heart was soaring. You didn't care that you would be surrounded by his coworkers, you just wanted to be with him.

"Okay," you say in response hoping that you sounded calm enough. "Do you have a tent?"

He closes his eyes again. "I do. I also have an air mattress."

You continue planning out the tent set up and the meals for the weekend, coming to the conclusion that you would bring sheets and blankets for the air mattress. Why? According to Kumatani you had the softest sheets in the world. You felt like that was an over exaggeration, but didn't question it. Later in the week, he informed you that one of his coworkers was taking care of the food and another was taking care of the drinks. You knew him and his coworkers were fond of beer, so you told him you would bring drinks of your own. You also stocked up on your favorite snacks and even grabbed a few of Kumatani's favorites.

When Kumatani arrived at your apartment Friday afternoon to pick you up, you were stocking up your cooler. You close the lid and lean over to greet him with a kiss before he starts loading your things. Much to your dismay, he doesn't allow you to lift a finger to help. So there you were, pouting from the sidewalk while he tried not to glance your way as he worked on rearranging the car to fit your things.

He worked some tetris magic and within 10 minutes, all your things were loaded snugly in the trunk of his car.

"Ready?" He asks as he approaches you.

"Finally!" You exclaim and run past him to launch yourself into the passenger seat.

The ride to the countryside was beautiful. Since you lived in the city, you didn't see this type of scenery often. You were in awe of all the greenery on either side of the car. You guys even passed a lake that had you pressing your face against your window to take it all in. Kumatani watched you with admiration. He loved seeing you get excited over nature and thought it was cute to watch you be amazed over all the sights. You were pointing everything out to him from willow trees and flowers to wildlife. You even spouted off random facts about the animals you saw that had Kumatani impressed.

Suddenly, you gasp. "A tanuki!" You exclaim, pressing a finger against the glass of your window. You watch as it dashes into the trees and turn to your boyfriend who had a brow raised at you. "Did you know that tanuki's are the only canine species that hibernate?"

Kumatani turns his attention back on the road so you don't crash, but raises both eyebrows in surprise. "No, I did not know that."

"They also don't hibernate alone," you continue. "They're communal hibernators and hibernate with other tanuki's! Ugh! Isnt that so cute?! I'm just thinking of all the little tanuki's snuggled together for the winter, sleeping." You sigh dramatically and turn to press your face back up against the window so you don't miss anything else.

Kumatani just chuckles at you, but continues to enjoy your excitement and random facts. You just couldn't contain the jitters as you thought about spending the weekend with him. You were excited to meet his friends, but you were even more excited to get away from the city. You lived in the city your whole life and never got to be around nature much which is why you had so many random facts in your back pocket. You spent a lot of time in your childhood studying nature since you couldn't experience it. Luckily, it seemed to come in handy as you noticed Kumatani seemed to be enjoying your little facts.

The ride to the campsite didn't last much longer and before you knew it, you were helping your boyfriend set up the tent. He protested at first, insisting that he could do it and you should get out your chair and watch him.

You come up behind him as he is bent over driving one of the stakes in the ground and touch his shoulder. He turns to look up at you before standing up and taking you into his arms.

"Let me help," you plead and bat your eyelashes.

"Baby, I got this," he assures you. "Just sit back and relax. Watch me do all the work."

He goes to turn away, but you tighten your arms around his waist and frown. "As much as I would love to watch my hot, sexy boyfriend do all this work-" Kumatani raises a suspicious eyebrow at you as you stand up on your tippy toes to press a kiss against his lips. "It doesn't feel right."

Kumatani sighs and let's his head fall back at your antics. He stares at the sky, hands on your hips as he contemplates what you can do without the possibility of hurting yourself.

He finally brings his chin back down to look at you. "Okay, fine," he laments. "You can put the poles together. But only the poles." You push your bottom lip out in a pout, but digress. Putting the poles together is still doing something. You just hated feeling useless.

By the time his coworkers started arriving, you guys had your tent all set up and ready to go. As far as you were aware, you were the only significant other in attendance. Kumatani's female coworker had a boyfriend that he said she needed to get away from for a few days and thats why they orchestrated this trip. She also asked that you come along so she wasn't the only girl.

As all of his coworkers arrived, you watched as your boyfriend jogged over and started helping them set up their campsites. He was so helpful and caring, it was rewarding to watch him with his friends. The only one he seemed hellbent on not helping, was the blonde. Kumatani insisted he could do it himself while the blonde whined for his help. Kumatani remained stoic at his friends antics. You noticed none of them were actually helping him so you decide to approach the group.

The female of the group saw you first and you swore you could see her entire face light up. "Oh!" She exclaimed. "Y/N, right?"

You smile at her. "That's me. The one and only."

You could see her brimming with excitement before she turns to Kumatani. "Kumatani, you aren't going to introduce us all?"

"Right," he mutters before coming to stand next to you, wrapping a protective arm around your waist. "That is Utano." He starts, pointing at the woman in front of you. "Over there, sitting in the chair spaced out is Iketeru." You turn to your right to see a very handsome guy indeed spaced out. "This is Uramichi." You turn back to see him pointing at a man off to the side lighting a cigarette. "And that's pretty much everyone of importance." He concludes, hand squeezing the flesh of your waist.

"Hey!" A whine sounds from off to your right. You turn to see the blonde again who was now walking over to you with a pout. "You forgot to introduce me!"

Kumatani stares blankly at him. "Who?"

The blonde glares at him before turning a smile on you. "I'm Usahara, Y/N. Pleased to meet you!" He introduces himself and then it clicks.

"Ohhhh," you drawl out before turning to your boyfriend. "So this is the guy who always drags you out drinking after work and cries because he wishes he was funny and had a girlfriend?"

Usahara gasps, offended while Kumatani turns away from you to hide his laughter. "I've never said any of that!" Usahara defends.

"Yes you have," the whole group deadpans.

Usahara glares at Kumatani before you step in between the two. "Usahara, do you need help putting your tent together?" You finally ask. That was the whole reason you approached the group in the first place.

Usahara turns his attention to you and you don't miss the way his features soften when you address him. "I would love some help, Y/N," he accepts.

You step away from Kumatani to help, completely oblivious to the fact that your boyfriend was shooting daggers at Usahara. You innocently saw this as a way to bond with one of his friends.

Kumatani swears he could choke Usahara out solely for the way he looked at you when you offered help. He stood off to the side and watched your guys' interaction like a hawk, ready to tackle him if he got too close.

Helping Usahara was fun. He could be funny in his own way, and he was very sweet. He held the stakes for his tent, but gave you the mallet to drive them into the grass beneath you. You were enjoying that a little too much, getting yourself out of breath and sweaty. When you're on your third stake, Kumatani finally interrupts.

"Okay, I think you've helped enough, sweetheart," he announces. You stand up fully, turning to look at him with a confused face. "Let's get dinner started, hmm? You said we would cook tonight."

You frown. "I don't remem-"

"Come along now, baby," Kumatani interrupts and steers you away from Usahara with a hand on the small of your back. He guides you back to your guys' tent and you swear you can hear Utano giggling at the two of you as you pass.

He opens the tent, stepping inside and ushers you in. You stand with your arms crossed over your chest at him, refusing to budge. With a sigh, he reaches out and grabs a fistful of the front of your shirt and yanks you into the tent. You let out a shriek as you crash into his chest. He holds onto you as he leans down to close the tent so you could talk in private.

You pout at him when he finally straightens to look down at you. "Kumatani, what-" you start, but he interrupts you by grabbing your chin between his finger and thumb and tilting your head back to press a gentle kiss to your mouth.

When he pulls back and looks down at you fondly, you feel your body relax. Without thinking twice, you snake your arms up around his neck and kiss him again. His arms circle your waist, pulling you tight against his chest as his tongue darts out to lick at your lips, asking permission. You open your mouth to him, sighing in content as you feel his tongue reach in to stroke your own. You don't bother fighting him for dominance, submitting to his assault on your mouth with pleasure.

He pulls away slightly, millimeters of air separating your mouths. "Now, what was it you were saying?" He asks breathlessly before moving to trail sweet, hot kisses slowly down your neck.

You let out a tiny gasp as he places an open mouthed kiss right below your ear and smiles against your skin. He knows you're putty in his hands now.

He pulls back to finally look at you. You look at him through heavy lidded eyes, a dreamy smile on your face.

"Kiss me more," you say softly.

He chuckles at you before pressing a chaste kiss against your mouth and pulling back to look at you again. You pout up at him.

"Listen to me, sweetheart," he says, hand coming up to tuck a stray hair behind your ear. "You need to be careful around Usahara. Especially when he drinks."

You frown. "Why? Whats wrong with Usahara?"

"He has no shame. He will flirt with you in front of me just to get me riled up," he tells you. "Not only that, when he drinks I'm afraid he'll make a move on you."

You raise an eyebrow at him. "You shouldn't worry about me, Kuma," you tell him, hands moving to rub his chest soothingly. "I only have eyes for my sexy boyfriend." You smirk up at him and he scoffs, rolling his eyes.

"Is that all I am to you?" He asks. "Just sexy?"

"And hot. And handsome. And wonderful," you continue. He scowls playfully down at you.

"And good in bed," you murmur seductively. This statement catches him off guard and the next thing you know, you're patting his back as he is bent over with his hands on his knees, coughing aggressively. You were normally this sweet, innocent little thing that a comment like that made him choke.

You're suppressing a laugh as he holds a finger up at you and leaves the tent. You follow closely behind and watch as he grabs a bottle of water from the cooler and chugs it. After downing at least half the bottle, he turns a glare on you.

"You think thats funny?" He asks.

You let out a small snicker before pursing your lips and aggressively shaking your head no.

"Kumatani! Y/N!" you turn towards the shouting to see Utano waving you over. Kumatani caps his bottle before waving at you to follow him over.

When you come back to everyone else's campsite, Utano requests that your boyfriend build a fire in the fire pit before the suns gets too low in the sky and it becomes too dark to see. He immediately obliges without questioning it and gets to work on positioning the wood in the ring. While he is doing that, Utano pulls you to the side and asks you to help her with setting up the small portable grill and burner so she could cook everyone a quick meal.

Within the hour, everyone's bellies are full and you're all gathered around the campfire sipping alcohol and sharing stories. The sun had completely set and the moon was bright in the clear sky. You held your drink tight in your hand as you hugged your body. The temperature had dropped pretty significantly with the disappearance of the sun.

"So what is it like working on a children's show?" You ask as a shiver rakes through your body. Kumatani leaves his chair from beside you and heads to your tent. You frown after him, but turn back around with a pleasant face to hear their answers.

"Debilitating," Uramichi answers, lighting another cigarette.

"Uramichi!" Utano scolds.

"What?" He asks innocently around the butt of his cancer stick.

"I think it's quite fun," Usahara chimes in.

You lean forward in your seat. "Tell me more!" At that moment you feel a blanket being draped around your shoulders and you turn to see Kumatani sporting the tiniest of smiles as he covers you with the blanket he brought. You smile up at him and pucker your lips for a thank you kiss, which he dodges, pressing his lips to your forehead instead. You pout at him before turning your attention back to Usahara.

"Kids are just fun," he answers before turning thoughtful. "Insightful little things, too. They can tell when something is off between the cast members. Its weird." He takes a swig of his beer.

"Has there ever been any weird incidents on set with a child?" You ask.

Usahara taps his chin with his finger. "Other than the time someone lost their child in the studio?"

You gawk at him. "Someone lost their kid?!" You exclaim.

"It's happened on more than one occasion," Utano chimes in. "There was the one time they all decided to play hide and seek and Uramichi had to find them all."

"Ugh," Uramichi groans. "Don't remind me."

You ask for the details and Utano launches into a story about how Uramichi couldn't find one of the children and almost got fired for allowing them to play hide and seek. What was even better was that the child was hiding behind one of the camera's, in plain sight. As you all laughed at the outcome, Uramichi grumbled under his breath as he threw his cigarette butt into the fire.

The night continued with you learning more about your boyfriend and even you sharing stories about your childhood. You all continued to drink and, before you knew it, you had a feel good buzz going. Usahara was red faced on your right, clearly drunk, grumbling on about how he wishes he was funny.

"I think you're funny, Usahara," you state lazily, frowning at him.

He perks up at that. "You really think so, Y/N?"

You nod vigorously at him. "And you're sooooooo nice."

At the drawl of the word "so", your boyfriend scoffs. "I wouldn't go that far," he mutters.

"Hey!" Usahara shouts. "If Y/N says I'm funny, then I'm funny, dammit." He was clearly drunk, Kumatani knew this. But that didn't stop him from glaring at his friend.

"Yeah, Kuma," you join in, playfully pushing at your boyfriends shoulder. He turns a scowl on you which you ignore, turning back to talk to Usahara a bit more. "I at least thought your story of Uramichi smashing that melon by your head on the beach was funny."

"That wasn't meant to be funny," Usahara whines as the group stifles their laughter.

"It wasn't?" You ask innocently, frowning.

"He was trying to kill me," Usahara whisper shouts at you.

"Oh."

This causes Utano to burst out laughing, the others following closely behind. Usahara glares at all of them, but especially your boyfriend. Feeling ballsy, Usahara addresses you once more.

"You know, you're really beautiful, Y/N," he compliments.

"Really?" You respond, a lilt to your voice like it was the best compliment you'd ever received. Kumatani stops laughing almost immediately. "Thanks, Usahara!" Your eyes seemed to sparkle under the moonlight. And if Kumatani wasn't so pissed about Usahara making a blatant move on you, he'd admire you for a bit longer.

"If you ever find yourself in a fight with Kumatani, my place is always a safe space," he concludes, puffing his chest out.

You just giggle at him, thinking he is putting on a show. And he is... to piss Kumatani off. Kumatani knew this by the way Usahara was sneaking looks at him to see his reaction. You didn't. You just thought Usahara was being kind to you.

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind," you reply, smiling at him.

He beams back at you. "And if you ever need someone else to warm your bed-"

"Alright," Kumatani interrupts, standing, a glare plastered on his face. "That's enough." He grabs up your hand. "We're going to bed."

You bid everyone a good night as Kumatani is yanking you towards your guys' tent.

"What did I say?" You whine at him with a pout painting your pretty face.

When Kumatani shoots a look back at you, you swear you see his eye twitch. You were just joking with Usahara, what was so bad about that? You wanted to get along with his coworkers because you really liked Kumatani. It was important to you to get along with the people closest to him.

He keeps ahold of your hand as you guys stop in front of your tent which was around 50 meters from where the others were sitting around the fire. He bends down to take ahold of the zipper and you turn around to take a last glance at the group laughing together. Utano catches your gaze and stands up to wave dramatically at you. You send a small wave back before you're yanked into your tent and Kumatani is zipping it closed behind you.

"Kumaaaa," you whine again and he swears to himself that he will get prettier sounds to leave that mouth of yours before the night is over. When he turns to address you, you have your arms crossed across your plush chest and a glare aimed at him.

"Just tell me what I did!" You beg, damn near stomping your foot for emphasis.

Without a word, Kumatani closes the distance between the two of you, one hand fisting into the hair at the nape of your neck and yanking your head back to look up at him. A small gasp leaves your lips, your shaky hands fisting into his tee shirt, fingers brushing his abdomen. He stares down at you, pupils blown wide.

"Do I need to show you who you belong to?" He suddenly asks.

You feel breathless. The heat in his gaze makes you blush, blood rushing to your core. Instead of answering, you try to do some damage control. You unclench your shaking hands and press your palms flat against his torso, slowly moving them up his chest to wrap your arms around his neck.

"Kiss me," you whisper. You try to move to kiss him, but he has you locked in place by your hair. You can tell he is at war with himself, caught between giving in to your plea and punishing you for blatantly flirting with his friend.

His lips are on yours in a flash, hand leaving your hair and wrapping around the underside of your chin instead, fingers pressing against your face. You gasp at the slight pain and he takes this moment to plunge his tongue into your mouth. You let out a soft moan at the intrusion, heat pooling in your core as he kisses you. His hand leaves your face and moves to cup your ass fully in both hands, pulling you flush against his body. You feel his hardening member press against your thigh and you reach down to palm him over his sweatpants. He snatches up your wrist and pulls away, chest heaving. You feel your arousal pool in your panties under his gaze and you rub your thighs together, which does not go unnoticed by him. He smirks down at you.

"Flirting with Usahara, but who is the one that has your panties wet?" he taunts. You gulp at his words, unsure of what his next move might be before he turns you around and bends you over the edge of the air mattress.

Your hands catch you and you stare down at the fabric of your sheets, afraid of looking back to see what he might be doing. You nearly jump out of your skin when you feel his hands rub against the flesh of your ass before you relax, closing your eyes at his ministrations. Kumatani smirks to himself as he pulls back and lands a nice smack against your right ass cheek. Your eyes fly open, hand moving to quickly cover your mouth so you don't make a sound. You feel your arousal drip further into the cloth of your panties.

Kumatani is sure his hand print is burned into your skin and moves to pull down your leggings for the proof. You let him, only moving to aid him in the removal of the piece of clothing. He sits back and admires his work, eyes catching the wet spot on your underwear.

He chuckles to himself. "Oh, you liked that, didn't you?" He asks, genuinely curious. He had never spanked you before, but he's thinking maybe he should start.

You don't answer so he moves to flip your back against the mattress and you stare up at him, blush staining your cheeks a pretty pink color. God, he thinks he just might have fallen in love.

Pushing that thought to the back of his mind, Kumatani leans his body over yours, hands on either side of your head holding his weight up. He ducks his head down to press a gentle kiss against your mouth, a stark difference to the way he smacked your ass just moments before. Feeling impatient, you wrap your arms around his shoulders and pull him against you, opening your mouth to him. Kumatani grunts at the force in which you pull him against you, but opens his mouth to you nonetheless. He fights you hard for dominance, the intensity of the kiss picking up, leaving both of you breathless.

You slowly begin moving your body up the mattress to your pillows, and Kumatani follows, lips never leaving yours as he forces your legs open with a knee when your head hits the pillows. You gasp as his lips leave yours to trail hot kisses down your neck, his hands pushing your shirt up to reveal your lace bralette. He breaks away briefly and begins tugging on both of the garments. You finally sit up, taking them off and tossing them on the floor of your tent. Kumatani plants his mouth back onto yours and pushes you back against the bed.

You moan into his mouth as he moves his knee to press right against your core. "Shh," he shushes against your lips. "You don't want them to hear you, do you?" You softly shake your head. You were terrified of anyone hearing you. You normally weren't loud in bed, but Kumatani was being so incredibly hot tonight.

He had you wrapped around his finger. You would do anything for him right now if he asked, and you couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or not. Maybe it was because it had been so long since you last slept together, at least two weeks. Or maybe it was because you were seeing a new side to him. You weren't sure. All you knew was that you liked it a lot.

Kumatani dips his head down to take a nipple into his mouth, softly suckling on it as you arch your back into him. He pinches your other nipple between his thumb and finger before switching sides. You cover your mouth with your hand, hoping to stifle the moans that want to leave your lips. He still has his knee pressed right up against your sex and you were trying to subtly rub against him.

This did not get passed him as he presses his knee further into your sex, delighting in the soft gasp that leaves your lips. He squeezes the flesh of your breasts in his hands as he trails hot kisses down your torso, stopping right in front of your clothed core.

He tentatively runs his finger over your panties and you rock your hips up into him, hoping for more friction as you groan out in frustration. Wordlessly, he pulls your panties down to reveal your dripping cunt. He's mesmerized as he slowly reaches out to run a single finger through your folds, watching the way your slick coats the digit. He continues his slow ministrations over your pussy, enjoying the way you writhe underneath him, hand wrapping around his wrist to push his hand further into you.

He gets the hint and slowly inserts his middle finger into your aching hole, smirking down at you, loving the way your mouth falls open and your head falls back. He pumps his finger into you as he leans over to capture your lips once again in a searing kiss, tongue licking hotly into your open mouth, swallowing your moans. When he pulls his finger out, he promptly stuffs it into your open mouth.

This catches you by surprise, but you grasp his wrist and greedily suck your essence off the digit. Not thinking, he adds his index finger, suddenly aroused by the feeling of your tongue between his fingers. Kumatani suddenly wonders why he had never tried these things before. He had always been careful, gentle. You were always so cute around him and when you had sex before, you always held him tightly against you. But this. Seeing your surprised face, pupils dilated fully with last. Feeling just how wet you were from him being a little mean... he thought maybe he should do this more often.

He takes his fingers from your mouth and he nearly cums on the spot upon seeing the pleading look on your face, eyes wide, lower lip slightly quivering.

He tilts his head back. "Fuck, Y/N," he whispers. "Don't look at me like that."

You grasp at his shirt once again, tugging it. He glances back down at you, eyebrows furrowing. You're on full display for him. And he's trying to commit the way your body looks to memory, but you're pulling his shirt and he can't ignore you.

"Please, Kuma," you whisper, hands fisting tighter into his shirt.

He grabs your hands up in his, pinning them above your head and leaning down so you're eye level. You let out a soft gasp at the feeling of his hips pressed against yours, his hardening cock pressed against your core.

"Please, what, sweetheart?" He asks softly as he leans down to trail his nose up the column of your neck, inhaling your scent as he goes.

You're shaking in anticipation, but you don't think you can get the words out. You wish he could just read your mind and fuck you already. You're too embarrassed and you feel your cheeks heat up.

"Please," you choke out again.

"Use your words, baby," he reminds you, smirking against your skin.

Feeling bold, you roll your hips against his and he stiffens, swallowing back the moan that threatened to leave his lips.

"Fuck me, Kumatani," you finally say, voice clear.

He halts his movements, surprised that you actually said the words. He was going to milk this for all that it was worth until you were a begging mess underneath him. But damn. He couldn't turn you down.

He quickly sits up to pull his sweats down and yank his shirt off, eager to be inside you. As he's pulling his shirt off, you sit up and take his cock into your hands and begin pumping his length. He nearly collapses on top of you at the feeling. You're pressing open mouthed kisses against his abdomen and he's a moaning mess above you, hand fisted into the hair at the nape of your neck, body hunched over your form as you rub your thumb over his leaking slit.

Finally, he gains his composure and grabs your wrists up, pulling your hands away from him. When you look up at him, he is panting heavily, heavy lidded eyes looking down at you in admiration.

In a flash, he has your back pinned against the air mattress again, bare chest pressed against yours as he ruts his hips into you, cock sliding through your folds deliciously, pressing and rubbing against your clit. Your mouth falls open in ecstasy, loud moans falling past your lips before his hand clamps down over your mouth.

His movements have stopped. "Shhh," he shushes you, but his tongue is tracing your collarbone. You roll your hips against him, moaning into his hand as he sucks a bruise into the skin below your jawline.

When he removes his hand, you go straight to begging him, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. He palms your breast, listening to your pleas as his cock twitches against you.

"How could I say no?" He finally responds. "When you ask so nicely..."

He positions the head of his cock at your entrance and slowly pushes inside of you. You moan at the feeling, head falling back.

He let's out a breathy laugh. "On second thought, let me hear you, baby," he says as he buries himself to the hilt into your dripping cunt. "Let Usahara hear who this pussy belongs to, hmm?"

"F-fuck," you stammer out as he slowly pulls his hips back and slowly reenters you.

"That's it," he whispers, reaching up to brush your hair out of your face.

You grip his forearms, nails digging into his flesh as he starts to pick up his pace.

"You feel so fucking good," he breathes out as he rests his forehead against yours. You whimper underneath him, teeth digging into your bottom lip to keep yourself from moaning. And god, you're looking at Kumatani like he held the whole world in his hands. He has to close his eyes before he cums too quickly.

"Harder," you squeak out at him. You feel a warmth spread across your abdomen, the familiar feeling of your climax approaching. You're sure if he were the pick up his pace, you would be sent teetering over the edge.

His hips stutter before his starts fucking into you harder, hips snapping against yours with a bruising force. You wrap your arms around him, pulling him closer against you.

You moan loudly now, not even trying to hide it.

"You take me so well, baby," Kumatani grounds out, breathless.

Your pussy clenches around him at his praise and he moans. "D-don't do that," he breathes.

He leans back to grasp your hips, moving so he can angle his thrusts upwards into you, right against that spot that has you seeing stars. Your hands cover his as he repeatedly hits that spot.

"Fuck," he curses. "You're so good. Feel so good." Your cunt tightens around him at your approaching climax and he nearly comes undone. Your walls are practically sucking him back in, he can't even pull out. "So tight," he pants.

He notices your moans becoming higher pitched, warning him that you're right on the edge. "Come on, baby," he encourages. "Cum for me. Want you to cum on my cock."

This sends you over the edge, orgasm washing over you strongly, body shaking and twitching against him as he fucks you through it. Your hands are pushing at his abdomen, knees pulling up to your chest in an attempt to close your legs. You're becoming overstimulated when he suddenly pulls your knees apart to watch his cock enter your now drenched pussy. You have his dick in a vice grip and it's taking all his strength to savor this for just a bit longer.

When he looks at you again, your eyes are glossy with tears, your fucked out expression gazing up at him with admiration.

"Cum inside me, Kuma," you tell him, legs wrapping around him once again and pulling him against you. "Wanna feel your cum inside me."

He groans against you. "You can't say stuff like that, Y/N," he complains. "I'm trying to savor the moment. I don't want to cum yet." You pout at him when he looks at you. He averts his gaze quickly, dipping his head down to capture a nipple into his mouth as he begins grinding into you again, movements languid and deep. You swear you feel him in your throat. You tangle your hands into his hair, holding him against you as he slowly builds you back up to another climax. He's smirking against your skin at your moans, knowing full well the entire campsite can hear you. He doesn't care at this point.

Just as your cunt clenches down around him, he feels his orgasm quickly approaching. He picks up his pace slightly, pressing his face into your chest as a string of curses and moans leave his lips. And finally, as you cum around him for the second time, he empties his own orgasm into you, moaning into the skin of your chest as your pussy milks him for all he's worth.

When he pulls out, he takes a moment to watch the way his seed spills out of you, a sense of pride that his cum is in you. You're both panting, trying to calm down when you sigh contentedly.

He presses a kiss to your forehead before moving off the mattress to get something to clean you off with. He finds a wash cloth in your bag and wets it down with the bottle of water that was thrown haphazardly next to it. He presses the cloth against your still hot sex and you suck air in through your teeth.

"Cold!" You gasp out, legs closing around his hand.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he murmurs. "I have to clean you up." He continues cleaning you carefully, brow furrowed in concentration as he wipes you down with care.

When he finishes he tosses the rag aside before covering your body with his once again, peppering kisses across your face.

You giggle at him and try to push him away, but he just nuzzles his face into your neck and closes his eyes.

You massage his scalp with your fingers. "You know, maybe I should flirt with Usahara more often if that's how the sex is gonna be," you muse.

Kumatani slowly lifts his head up to glare at you.

"What?" You ask innocently.

Kumatani pounces you like a predator on his prey, effectively shutting you up and convincing you to never flirt with Usahara again.

#life lessons with uramichi oniisan #mitsuo kumatani #kumatani smut #i think i'm one of like 2 people who have written smut for this man #truly sad #honestly #he's hot

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redgoldblue · 12 hours

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i'm uno reversing this, so for the get to know your writer asks: 10, 18, 22, 59, 74 💖

❤️ ♥️ ❤️ 🖊️

10. Cltr+f "blinks" on your WIP & copy paste the first sentence/paragraph that comes up

there are... 28 instances of 'blinks' in the roughly 28k of state of disrepair. a 0.001% prevalence isn't as bad as I thought. Let's see about the incidence (rate of new cases over time).

The one closest to where I was last writing:

“I did it for you. You know that, right?” Danny blinks at him, because he can’t even come up with a coherent question in response to that. Steve flexes his hands, like maybe better words are hidden inside his palms, and tries – unsuccessfully – with, “For my brain. For you.”

18. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

A bit of all of those - rarely before, but same sitch as you, sometimes there's either really long descriptive titles ('The Annoying, Infuriating, Irritating, (Effective) Seduction Techniques of One Steven J. McGarrett' comes to mind in the WIP folder) or fics prompted by very specific songs/lyrics that get titled at the start (Finding A Cure In You I think was one of the latter, and... state of disrepair (whose full name is 'you're in a state of disrepair, you're an answer to my prayers') might have been too, actually).

Usually it's either during or after, though, and which one of those usually depends solely on how long it takes me to write it. If it's quick enough that I do have to actively Come Up with a title instead of it being hand-delivered by either goblins or musicians in the intervening time, it's usually either a) going through my relevant ship playlist looking for a relevant lyric (singing yesterday's songs wishing i could be with you tonight, basically all my McDanno codas) or b) a lot of googling of idioms with relevant keyword/s (Calling The Shots, a lot of my original stories including the one I wrote last weekend, which ended up being called Sea Change. or the one I wrote for the same comp in the round before, Running On Empty) or c) staring at the doc trying to think of relevant objects / themes / verbs that seem vaguely title-ish (To Love (Verb, Transitive), Centrefolds / Distal Breaks)

22. Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

Tragedy. I think I've told you specifically this story before, but I was doing my favourite writing competition a few years ago, and the prompt in one round was 'write a tragedy where no-one dies', and because I'd already skipped one round I made myself do it against all instincts and I. should not have done that. It was a perfectly good story but it also triggered a genuine three-day depressive episode in me, a person who does not have depression.

Other than that... I think between fanfic and original I have written most styles, povs, and genres without issue, and would be happy, or at least willing, to revisit most of them. Same for tropes - there's probably a fair few there I haven't written, but I can't think of any off the top of my head (other than ones necessitating tragedy) that I'd want to say never about.

59. Does anyone in your personal life know you write fic? if not, would you tell anyone?

Most people! I don't know that all my family know, but that's just because it hasn't come up - most of them do. In terms of telling new people, it's mostly dependent on whether I think they know what it is and whether I want to go through explaining it - the fact that I write comes up semi-regularly in conversation with other med students, but sometimes that's talking one-on-one to someone in reasonably similiar circles to me who also writes as we walk from the hospital to the train station, and sometimes it's in a group of five people, three of whom have serious discussions about buying stocks, and we have a class in five minutes. y'know

74. You’ve posted a fic anonymously. How would someone be able to guess that you’d written it?

hm. i'm rambling in the author's notes? The content tags are randomly interspersed with also rambling tags. There's longsuffering hurt/comfort and it's just one step to the left of total canon compliance and. look, I probably do have a writing style. I'm faintly aware I do, I just don't actually know what makes it up. Feel free to tell me.

fic writing asks!

#my writing #itwoodbeprefect #fanfiction #writing #mine #ask games

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headcannonsbutwrittenbyasnake · 2 years

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Remember that Lucifer weapon that Dante used in dmc 4? Imagine Yuu using it and saying the same voice lines as Dante did while throwing the spikes to make a heart and a rose that crumbled the heart

The scene:

youtube

I forgot how the jokes made up for Dante's more lackluster sections of DMC4

Note: I kinda really fucking hate my writing here, may brain hasn't been working at 100% these past few months. So this is unedited and I haven't read it over.

Since arriving in Twisted wonderland, Yuu hasn't had a boring day. But that also meant she didn't have her usual routines to do when bored. She couldn't Frisbee pizza boxes at Dante or Vergil, or go out with Nico to demon hotspots to test her new weapons. She couldn't ask Nero if she could play with some of the kids from the orphanage... So Yuu found another way to cure her boredom, the devil arms! She let them roam Ramshackle and the forest behind is as long as they caused no trouble. Neaven often enjoyed staying inside and doing small domestic task she hasn't done before. She didn't have to dust her opera stage in Temen-ni-gru, nor did she have anywhere to plant pretty flowers! And in Dante's hands she spent all of her time as a weapon, so Yuu letting her wander was a welcome change of pace. Agni and Rudra guarded out side, falling back into their old routine. The only devil arm Yuu couldn't let roam was King Cuerburus. If she did he would probably destroy Nrc, maybe even all of Sage Isle! So he was kept under metaphorical lock and key.

The only issue is stupid nosy students who think they're invincible. No, not Ace and Deuce, they've been warned many times about the weapons. The only time the devil arms are off her person is when she has P.E class. Yuu has a bad habit of being on edge and always ready to protect her self, and since P.E can get physical she didn't want to kill anyone.

So leaving her weapons on the table. Yuu left for class, locking the door behind her. Agni and Rudra where in a deep sleep in the back yard, and Neaven on her way to Mr.S's mystery shop to pick up some plants she ordered. No one would be dumb enough to break into Ramshackle, steal arguable the most dangerous devil arm in her possession, and go deep into the forest to 'test' it.

...

Yuu felt a familiar shiver run down her spine.

"Oh shit..."

"Why are you 'Oh shit'-ing?" The trio of two humans and a monster cat looked at her with panicked and confused faces. Yuu quickly moved to the spot under the tree where she left her coat, and picked up the small knife that fell out of the pocket, and shrugged it on.

"Tell the teacher or dorm leaders to round up all the students and get them somewhere safe, I ...have to deal with something." Grim gripped the edge of Yuu's coat. "You have to go with them Grim, it's to dangerous to come with me."

" What'dya mean, henchman? What's going on? Tell us!" Grim refused to let go of her coat. She could see Ace and Deuce agree with him.

Yuu sighed "Something happened that caused a devil arm to go haywire and get out, no I have to clean up its mess." Yuu looked over at the forest to only to see smoke rising, "Well at least I can swing by the house on my way."

Yuu started off in the direction of Ramshackle "Now go tell an adult! Things could get more messy!" And with that, she ran off.

"Agni! Rudra!" Ariving at Ramshackle Yuu saw the Devil swords in the back, still asleep. It'd take to long to wake them. So she turned to go inside.

...

Someone broke the lock on the front door. Yuu walked in and looked at the table. King Cuerburus was missing. Most likely they stole it because it was the lightest looking weapon. Yuu sighed again and rubbed her face, thinking about what to do. Something long range would be best, but Yuu wouldn't be able to stop that mutt with only summon swords. Bullets would only piss the dog off more. Neaven isn't home and electric attacks wouldn't do much anyway. All that's left is Pandora's box and Lucifer. Since the box is tricky and kinda finicky to use, Yuu picked up Lucifer putting the... thing on her back, how it stayed on no one knows.

Finally making her way to the mutt, Yuu had to brace herself. She hasn't fought any Cuerburus, let alone the so-called 'king'. Yuu just hoped those three didn't get any ideas.

Yuu arrived at the spot in the woods. Two students passed out and tossed in the bushes. Alive, she thinks.

"Sparta!" Spittled flew every where.

"Well, hello puppy dog! Goin' alittle stir crazy, maybe I should walk you more." Yuu took a large, mocking step in front of him.

"You mock me, just like your father! Unfortunately you won't be able to see him again!" And with that the fight begun.

After some time and what was pretty much Yuu beatting down King Cuerburus with him getting a few lucky hits in.

"HEEY, PERFECT! WE'RE HERE AS BACK UUUP!" Ace... it was Ace, Deuce and Grim doing exactly what she told the NOT to do!

"Are you stupid or suicidal? I told you three to get somewhere safe!"

"Well, you didn't say that part,"

"WELL IT WAS IMPLIED!" Not having her full attention on the fight, Yuu missed the ice forming on her path. She slipped and got hit with an icicle.. "You stupid mutt! I'm getting tired of this!" Yuu yelled at the Cuerburus. "Fine you three wanna help? Shoot those icicles outta the air,"

"Alright!"

After wearing him down with the small explosive spikes, one finally stuck in his skin. Shooting more, Yuu decided to teach the dog a lesson.

She formed a heart with the spikes, and while holding one, she quoted her dad. "And in the end we're all satisfied!" She threw the final spike, "And you are set free..." The mocking heart exploded, " in spirit, you know I can't really let you go, now can I? I'm a sentimental person at heart." With how much damage the mutt did to the surrounding forest, he deserved to be bullied.

"Spaarta," he wheezed "just like him, unkillable, undefeated..." where his final words before he returned to his weapon form. Yuu scooped up the nunchucks and de-materialized them.

THWUNK! Ace walked Yuu over the head "Why the hell did you fight that weird dog monster on your own? What if something happened! You're lucky Grim is a sniffer hound when it counts."

"HEEEENCHMAAAAN~" Yuu crouched down letting Grim run at her, jump, and wrap his arms around her neck. "DON'T DO THAT AGAIN! DON'T GIVE CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS AND THEN LEAVE ALL WORRIED! IF SOMETHING HAPPENED WHO WOULD OPEN MY TUNA CANS FOR ME~" Grim held on tight, still crying and rubbing his face into the neckline of her jacket. She just rubbed his back and let him continue. She was happy to comfort Grim and the duo, after all, they where the closest thing to family she had at the moment.

#twisted wonderland #twst #disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #devil may cry #twst yuu #dmc!yuu

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amethystina · 10 months

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Hello, for the questions for fic writers :

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

<3 <3 <3

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

Since this question was listed twice I'll just go ahead and give two concepts/AUs!

The first is a Soulmate AU. I've always liked the concept but haven't really found an idea that I like enough to actually want to write it. I'm so busy and have so many other projects going on that I don't really have time to go searching for fic ideas. Instead, my brain has to present a fully formed idea and basically pitch it to me before I'm willing to even consider writing it. And since Soulmate AUs haven't really been high on my list of priorities, that hasn't happened yet. I guess my brain has been busy plotting other fics instead?

(Well, aside from that The Devil Judge Soulmate AU I suddenly came up with and am very intrigued by. So maybe? Who knows?)

The second is a Vampire AU. I cannot believe I've never written a Vampire AU. That's not to say that I'm necessarily obsessed with vampires (I like them a normal amount) it just surprises me that I've never written one. So that I definitely want to do at some point!

(And, unlike the Soulmate AU, my brain has actually tried to present me with a number of ideas for Vampire AUs (the latest one being a The Devil Judge fic, predictably) but I've kept myself at bay for now because I already have too many fics to write. Woe is me.)

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

The sequel to Gravitational Pull? Though "currently working on" might be slightly misleading in this case. I wrote 840 words two months back and have been staring blankly at the document ever since x'D I think I just need to sit down and force myself past that first hurdle because I know exactly what's going to happen, I just need to write it down. But yeah, here's an excerpt:

Ga On tried his best not to look at Yo Han.

The tension lay thick inside the car, the silence pushing against Ga On's eardrums. Judge Oh, who sat in the back, probably assumed it was because of the crisis at hand — apprehension at the thought of what lay ahead of them — but that was only partially true. Ga On was also struggling with an insistent, nerve-wracking hum of concern, making his spine stiff and throat tight.

Yo Han shouldn't be here. He was still injured — only just over a day had passed since he got shot.

No matter how grave the situation was, Yo Han should be at home, resting, not driving them to an area of Seoul that was quickly becoming as chaotic as an active war zone.

Ga On gritted his teeth — until his jaw began hurting from the strain — and looked down at his hands. They were tightly clenched in his lap, his thumb rubbing restlessly over the other. Perhaps Ga On was being too selfish, but he didn't want Yo Han to put himself in danger like this — not when he wasn't at his best. Ga On could admit that Yo Han hid it well but, since Ga On knew where to look, he could see the subtle delay in Yo Han's movements and how he held himself slightly more rigidly than usual.

Yo Han was still in pain.

He still had a hole in his stomach but pretended that he didn't.

And Ga On had to play along, since Kang Yo Han couldn't show any weakness. The people around them could know that the chief judge was injured. The fact that their opponents did was already bad enough — and was probably why they chose now to try and overthrow him. They didn't think Yo Han would be able to fight back as fiercely — with as much precision — as he normally would.

They were expecting an easy victory.

But, even injured, Yo Han was a force to be reckoned with and, as always, would do whatever it took to win.

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

Possibly TMI incoming and TW for bullying and verbal abuse.

I think I'll take this opportunity to say how happy I am that I started writing fanfics. Which is extra hilarious when you consider the fact that it started with a thought as basic as: "I want to write at least one before I die." And then, ten years later, here we are. And I'm in no way exaggerating when I say that it changed my life.

One concrete example is that had I never written Autonomy, I would never have met the people who finally told me I was a good person — after hearing the exact opposite for over two years. To make a very long story short, there were several people in my life at the time who, when in pain, took it out on me, often by projecting. They told me how selfish, self-centred, and unsupportive I was. That I lacked empathy and always put myself first. That I was arrogant and a bully, who belittled everyone I spoke to and thought way too highly of myself, my intelligence, and my worth. And, well, I believed them.

Because I can be very firm and dominant, especially in person. So it's very likely that I might (unknowingly) assert myself too much. And since this abuse only happened in private, none of my other friends or family knew about it. This narrative of me being a terrible person was, for about two years, the only thing I heard. Because, to all my other friends, I was so stable and confident — how could I possibly be doubting myself? And why should they remind me that I was a good person since, surely, I knew that?

Except no — I didn't. Because I only heard the opposite. For years.

Until, suddenly one day, I got a DM on Tumblr asking me if I wanted to join a Discord server because they'd read one of my Winteriron fics and loved it. And so I did. Despite being scared to death because oh no, now these people who really like my fic are going to find out I'm a terrible person and they're never going to want to read anything I've written ever again.

But, to my absolute surprise, the opposite happened.

The people on this server LOVED me. They genuinely seemed to enjoy my company. And I quickly earned the nickname Steve (it was a Marvel server — I promise it made complete sense to us at the time) because I kept everyone in line and, apparently, was always ready to throw hands for a good cause.

I even had my own gif! The command was !amy and was used when someone was misbehaving to signal "You're on thin fucking ice, buddy."

Sometimes, I'd even wake up to find that the gif had been used in my absence, when other members on the server had basically gone: "Oh man, Amy's going to be soooo disappointed in you when she gets back RIP it was nice knowing you."

And rarely have I been so confused. Or felt so much like a liar.

Because that's what I thought I was doing. I thought I was lying to these people about who I actually was. That I was somehow able to masquerade as a Good Person all while actually being a despicable, selfish monster behind the scenes who hurt every single person I came into contact with.

And, eventually, I cracked. Not in a very visible way to most people, but enough to ask my most trusted friends on that server if I was a bad person. And I was unanimously met with a VERY confused: "What? Why do you ask? You, of all people?"

Because, according to them, not only was I the one who kept everyone in line, but also one of the kindest, most considerate people on that server. I was the conscience. The voice of reason. The one who always listened. The one who always knew exactly what to say when people were hurting. The one who made sure to de-escalate a situation before it could turn into something dangerous or hurtful.

And that changed my life.

Because, all of a sudden, I had a completely different narrative that competed with the one I'd heard for two years. In a matter of days, my world was turned upside down. We're talking a full-blown existential crisis. Because everything I thought I knew about myself was suddenly called into question and I had to figure out where I ended and the lies I had been told by other people began. It was a painful, gruelling, and utterly exhausting process but well worth it for how much it helped my mental health and self-image.

All because of a fanfic. Kind of amazing, isn't it?

The point I'm trying to make is that you'll never know in what place or what shape you might find the support and stability you need to have the kind of epiphany that I did. Perhaps it starts with a gigantic Space AU you wrote because it sounded fun, followed by an invitation to a whacky Discord server? Who knows?

And that's why I still write. And why I still post. And why I try to reply to every comment and ask if I can.

Because I know there are people like the old me out there. People who aren't seen or heard in the way they deserve. And maybe I won't be able to give them that with my limited reach, but I can at least try. I can write stories they relate to, stories that give them solace, stories that make them realise things about themselves, that make them question the abuse they've been submitted to, without even knowing it. That makes them see. That makes them want to forgive themselves and love themselves. That can help them find community and like-minded people.

If my writing can offer comfort, safety, and a feeling of belonging, then it's all worth it.

If I can help one person in the way those people on that server helped me, then it's worth it.

And that's why I'll always be grateful for deciding to write fanfics. Not just because of how it's helped me, but because it's given me the opportunity to help and bring people together.

It's never "just" a fanfic.

So, if you've ever read one of my works, I'm so grateful for your time and attention. And I hope I was able to make you smile or, perhaps, made you feel a little less lonely, even just for a short while.

I appreciate you and wish you all the best. Take care 💜

Questions for fic writers

#Amethystina Does Ask Memes #Anonymous #Well #That went to places I didn't plan #I guess I'm a little sentimental or something xD #But genuinely #Find your people #Find your support #It doesn't matter if it's through fanfics #Or music #Or knitting #Just whatever #Find the people who will help and treasure you #It will do wonders #Also brief sidenote:#No my name is not actually Amy xD #It's just the shortened form of Amethystina and it caught on #So to many I'm known as Amy

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its-really-dry · 2 years

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𝔻ℝ 𝕊𝕋ℝ𝔸ℕ𝔾𝔼 𝔸ℕ𝔻 𝔽ℝ𝕀𝔼ℕ𝔻𝕊 𝕀ℕ 𝕋ℍ𝔼 𝕄𝕌𝕃𝕋𝕀-𝕊𝕆𝕄𝔼𝕋ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾 𝕆𝔽 𝕄𝕆ℕ𝕋𝔸ℕ𝔸?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

before you start, please read [this] which is a summary of the series and disclaimer -> you should know that this au series will have a good few spoilers to the new dr strange in them. so if you haven't seen it and don't want to have it ruined, pls don't read ittttt. everything i write is fic NOT fact!

A/N: idk what i should say tbh. ummmm GO TEAM CAP‼

@goodness-gaycious @incorrectlycorrectfun @wandaspov @itsthescarletwitch @smallestavenger @n0idl1nq @windchaser1990 @tu-mama727

word count = 1.5k

photo is mine babes :3

chapter two: we goin peach pickett hill - county of sommarsile

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

"any luck?" you ask america as she walks through the old, rotting doors.

you both have been in 'hiding' for the past 2 days after the scary wanda incident back at the cafe in new york. whilst wandering aimlessly in a woodland for hours after your fast escape, you came across an old barn that looked to have been abandoned for a good amount of time. you and america walk up to the doors cautiously and scan the area, and once you both knew it was safe, it was your hide out. the barn was far away from anything and hidden enough that you two could be invisible for a good while.

"i'm surprised we're still alive!" you exclaim and america glances over to you.

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, it's shocking to me how we haven't starved to death, been eaten alive or dismembered by mc-maxi-witch yet."

america chuckles at you and takes a seat in the hay stack beside the one you were laying in with a sigh.

"can't you just magic something? aren't you a sorcerer ? where are the socerings?"

"yeah but urgh I WISH. stephs wouldn't teach me that cause i wAs nOT reAdY." you mock, a scoff following right after. america gives you a pout which makes you roll your eyes.

"i don't need pity, i need FOOD."

"you think you're the only one."

"......... we could just venture to a town? i'm sure there's one close by."

"don't you think that's too much of a high risk? being out in the open when there's a warrant for our abductions or possible deaths ?"

"ok facts. BUT what if we were stealthy? like black widows?"

"we could be as sly as a fox and she would STILL notice us y/n. our looks are our biggest give away!" the brunette points out.

you groan. you know she was right. of hecking course wanda would notice you even if you tried your best to fit in with the crowd. she was a goddamn witch after all. she'd sniff your lie out from a lightyear away!

you sit up and rest your cheek on your had as you rake through every possible idea your brain could muster. then you had it.

"I'VE GOT IT!"

"what? what is it?"

"witcho will never notice us if we wear a disguise." you say, wiggling your eyebrows.

america hums in agreement, "that's actually a good idea. sooooo how exactly are we gonna execute that plan?"

"i'll summon the disguises, obviously."

"hold on. so strange wouldn't teach you how to make food, but he taught you how to create a whole new identity for yourself?"

"no, he didn't teach me. i read his study book! not my fault he left it open in my curious presence." you shrug.

america shrugs too and gets up off the bale, pulling you up with her too.

"let's get to work then y/n/n!"

.............................................................

[ at the kamar-taj library with wong and stephen ]

.............................................................

"we have tried everything in this book! and all of those ones too! where on earth could they be hiding?" stephen asks, annoyance and worry lacing his voice.

"maybe y/n is using an invisibility spell?" wong suggests but strange shakes his head.

"i never taught her."

"you have not taught her one of the most simple spells in the program?"

"no, she wasn't ready."

"and how do you know that?"

"well, for some odd reason, her sorcery skills were FAR beyond what a beginner's should be! she was able to open portals with her sling straight away, lucid dream without getting caught in the underworld, cast manipulation spells on her piers and she could even work WITH the mirror dimension! how do you even do that!?"

wong frowns at strange, "there is no reason that those occurrences meant she 'wasn't ready' stephen. although that is extremely unusual, it doesn't mean that you should not have taught her."

"i-.... i just thought she had enough on her plate and she was already way ahead of all the other students."

"so? y/n is your student. you should always want what's best for her! and if she was mine, i'd always brag about her fast learning abilities. it's something to be proud of, not ashamed. i'd want her to learn as many spells and tricks as possible, hearing her understanding was so great." wong says.

stephen lowers his head in disappointment of his own actions. how could he let his fears get in the way of your future as a sorcerer? he knows it was wrong to keep you from learning new ones, but he didn't want you to end up having too many abilities at once. stephen knew there was a lot more he had to learn about when it came to your capabilities. he knew, you knew a lot more than the average student did.

"i'll apologise. when we find them, i'll let y/n choose whatever spells she wants to learn and i'll teach her without question!" strange says, "thanks wong. you really are an insightful man."

wong smiles at his friend and gives him a contenting nod, "you are welcome. now, let's get back to finding those kids."

.............................................................

[ back to wandering with the gworls 💅 ]

.............................................................

"did you really have to make me blonde?" america groans for what seems like the millionth time. you roll your eyes and stop walking.

"what's wrong with being a blonde mary?"

"are you foreal? i look like a bimbo!"

"no you don't!"

"in these clothes i do." she says as she points at her tight fitting crop top and flairs, "i look like i just came out of a 2002 britney spears music video!"

"oof.... well, who said being a bimbo was a bad thing?"

"SINCE WHEN WAS IT A GOOD THING?"

"i think you look great mary! bringing back 2k is quirky!"

"if quirky was a strip-club subsection, i'd be their favourite performer."

"bro! that is rude! i take offence on behalf of all the blondies out there!"

"whatever, right now, i'm illegally blonde." america scoffs.

after dragging yourselves aimlessly through the densely tree-d forests for hours on end, you finally come to a road that actually looks like it goes somewhere. reluctantly, you both follow the road for about a mile when you come to a huge sign.

"welcome to peach pickett hill, county of sommarsile, monta- MONTANA? you're telling me, of all the places you coulda slung us to, MONTANA was the best choice!?" america asks you in disbelief.

"babe. if we are hiding from red wrist watch, you really think i'm about to take us to cAliFOrNiA? what a stoopid lil cracker-nackle." you tut and you hear america huff, mumbling something along the lines of "i guess." nonetheless.

as you examine the metal board in front of you, that's when you realise.

"the hell? my grandparents live in montana! i've been here a ton of times but i have NEVER, EVER, EVER seen a peach pickett hill. hell even a sommarsile!?"

"yeah, that is actually quite weird. there's no sommarsile in any universe i've been to. maybe it's a new addition to the state?"

"do you really think it wouldn't be all over the news?"

"true."

"and if it was 'new', then how the freak are there so many people already?" you question as you point up ahead.

the sight was amazing! big, beautiful trees planted strategically along the sidewalks, finely mowed lawns and trimmed hedges, children running around on the streets, neighbours waving to one another as they pass by, people cleaning their front yards or fixing their cars in the garage. it was a picture perfect town.

"oh. my. gosh! this is so beautiful!" america says in awe.

"it looks just like something, straight out of a 1950s show."

you and america walk down the sidewalk, taking in everything peach pickett had to offer, including;

"HOT DOG STAND!" the pair of you shout, running to the stall.

"heya kids!" the owner says when he sees you, "what can i get for ya?"

"2 hot dogs please!" you reply and he gets straight to it, putting the dogs in their buns and putting them in the paper.

"that'll be $3 dollars."

you look at america, and america looks back. the same expression on your faces. panic.

"white sheets of heaven if forgorrr my wallet back at the cafe!" you whisper shout to the girl and she grimaces.

"damn."

the stall guy gives you a confused gaze, however, before he could query, a slightly deep, cheerful voice sounds from behind yall.

"oh not to worry! the kiddos are on me mikey! be a dear and make that three." the person hands the money to the stall guy and he smiles.

"you got it harks!"

you and america 180 dua lipa style and see a taller lady, late 40s. long and wild brown curls that were bought into a half up, half down. she wore a blue hippie dress with a big purple scarf, hanging from her shoulders and a sweet warm smile on her face that made her look so FRIGGIN CUTE.

"omg y/n. milf."

"urghhhh poggers moment rn."

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

comment if you would like to be added to the tag list 🏃‍♂️

#marvel fanfiction #marvel #dr strange #the multiverse of madness #multiverse of madness #wanda fanfic #wanda maximoff x female reader #wandavision #agatha harkness #marvel spoilers #fic series #doctor strange #america chavez #dr strange and friends in the multi-something of montana

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defeatsthem · 9 months

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“📔” FOR MJSEFF I AINT EVER SENT SOMETHING SO FAST

TW for anyone that might read this, as this extremely dark au has already been discussed with @twotonesoffun. Read this with the utmost caution.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicidal thoughts and ideation

This takes place after Max's surgery and beyond. All he could do with his free time was mull over every stupid thing he'd ever done or said in his life.

Day 1:

Yesterday you left. I don't blame you for it one bit. You should've left. Matter of fact, you shouldn't have ever even shown up at the hospital at all. I keep staring at the bottle, the temptation to grab a fistful of pills and just end it right here is so tempting without you here. This house is so bare and I never realized how empty it was until your laughter wasn't here to fill it.

Day 13:

Thirteen days post-surgery. My knee still hurts like a fucking bitch. I won't lie, the worst part isn't getting out of bed by myself or having to resort to an in-house nurse in the meantime to take care of me now. It's humiliating. My fingertip keeps hovering over your name in my contacts, wanting to send a message but I don't dare to. Instead, I just open the video of me fucking that blonde woman to remind myself why I hate myself. Still, the temptation to take all those leftover painkillers lingers. I dunno why I haven't done it yet.

Day 42:

Physical therapy is getting easier, I guess. I can finally get off crutches in a few weeks but... whatever. It's been three weeks since the New Year holiday came and went and I can't believe it's been nearly a year since Seth and I hooked up at that rest top for the first time. I still remember how he felt... how I felt. It's forever engrained in my brain no matter how many times I wanna just forget about him because I'm ninety - nine percent certain he's forgotten about me already. I really need to stop directing this journal to him so maybe with this entry, it'll force me to.

Day 99:

Fuck, I miss you. I almost sent a message to you today, asking you how you were as if you'd even fucking respond. I at least finally flushed the rest of my meds down the toilet finally. They were burning a hole in my chest every single fucking night sitting on my nightstand. It was hard to discard the only thing you'd ever race to see me for. Fuck, I'm writing about him again when I said I wouldn't.

Day 273:

Nine fucking months. I was told I'd be out for an entire year but I'm a damn machine apparently. The past nine months have been an absolute mindfuck, but weirdly enough, it was necessary. I had to be on the brink of killing myself to see what I really wanted out of life. All I want is for him to be by my side again. Luckily, after getting some insider knowledge, I was able to find out where RAW is tomorrow night. I'm gonna go see him again. I can't be caught by security or talent otherwise I'll be kicked out immediately and probably arrested for breaking and entering into his bus but... at this point? I don't have much else to lose.

Day 274:

I'm burning this motherfucking journal right away tomorrow regardless of what happens in the next couple of hours. No one can know I even did this shit or sounded like such a whiny teenager bitch, okay? I can hear his music playing and I'm watching the show, sipping back an IPA from his fridge. The same kind that was in there the first time we met. He never changed, did he? He shouldn't. I can also smell that body wash he loves lingering throughout this entire thing. I don't dare make a sound since his driver is right outside, mingling with the crew. [THREE HOURS LATER.] I can hear his music playing again. He must've done the dark match after the show. At least it gave me some more time to get mentally prepared to see him again. I feel nauseous. Maybe I shouldn't have come...this was so fucking dumb of me. Shit. I hear his voice outside... here goes nothing.

#* answered.#// would tag appropriately but i don't want this in max's tag lmfao

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rheallsim · 2 years

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I just wanted to make a little post explaining why I haven't been as active here lately, so here goes!

[Fair warning, there's discussion about chronic health issues (Chronic Fatigue in particular) under the cut.]

So I really, really miss the old gameplay posts I used to make, for the Velasquez Legacy, my LEPacy family, the Globetrotter Challenge, etc. I miss the engagement and I miss the stories and I miss seeing my sims faces pop up on my timeline when their queued post is published.

The issue is I've been struggling for the past few years with worsening chronic fatigue symptoms. Nowadays I sleep on average of 9-12 hours every day and I still wake up just as exhausted as when I went to sleep. Most days I don't end up getting out of bed until 2pm in the afternoon, and it's not for a lack of trying; I'm just a complete useless utter zombie if I try to wake up before my body is ready to.

I started a job at the beginning of this year, a really good one for my circumstances, working from home five hours a day, twice a week. My coworkers were fantastic, my boss was the best boss I've ever had, and they worked so hard to accommodate me and my fatigue issues, but after working there for seven months I realized that my CFS was getting worse, not better. So I had to quit. :(

It was the first real job I'd had since 2010. It was such a wonderful opportunity, and with such great people, and I was heartbroken that I had to leave them. They said they'd do their best to welcome me back if I started to feel better, which was so kind of them! But right now I have no idea when that will be, if ever.

I've had CFS symptoms since well before COVID-19 hit us all, but my doctors didn't get their act together to seriously try and find me a specialist to help until around the time COVID hit. And of course, so many of the CFS resources, of which there were very few to start with, are now taken up by folks suffering with Long Covid, which presents almost exactly like CFS in many cases and have been treated by the same specialists.

I've been trying to find a specialist to take me on for years now, and haven't been able to find anyone. I've taken all sorts of tests to try and figure out what causes my fatigue, and even though we've ruled out a lot of things, we've found nothing that's helped. I've just been steadily getting worse over time, losing more and more of my life to this brain fog and lethargy.

Just a couple weeks ago, a referral to a specialist I was waiting on since February finally got back to me to say "We faxed your family doctor back in June to say we weren't taking any CFS patients, didn't he tell you?" And of course, he didn't. This is the third time he hasn't told me that a referral has fallen through and I had to find out months later on my own.

Years of my life have been taken up by this. Waiting months and months on a referral only to find it's a dead end and having to start all over again. And because of the current family doctor crisis and other health system issues it takes months for me to get another appointment with my GP just to discuss this all and have the process repeated for another year and a half to year-long wait.

Anyway… I'm sorry for rambling at you all! Long story short, I've been losing myself into a lot of escapism-type games that require little brain. And unfortunately, taking screenshots and writing gameplay stories for the Sims takes just a little too much brain for me to be able to do it reliably. So I've been taking a break from the social side of Simblr, and just letting myself play how I want for a while at my own pace.

Other than playing games I've been getting heavily into embroidery. When I have good days where I can actually focus long enough to work on it I've been really enjoying myself! Here's an example of some of the things I've made:

I miss being creative. I miss drawing, I miss writing, I miss creating things. I mourn for the life I could have had if it hadn't been taken away from me by CFS. But I'm grateful that I'm here, I'm grateful that I'm not in pain, that I'm otherwise healthy, that my family and friends and pets are wonderful and healthy, and that I can still embroider and make nice things when my body allows me to. Things aren't all bad. <3

Thank you for reading this far, if you have. I miss you all, and I hope you're all well! Keep being awesome, you're all so good at it. 🥰

#Rheall Rambles #Text Post #non-sims #Chronic Health #Chronic Fatigue Syndrome #ME/CFS #Chronic Illness #fatigue

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koishua · 2 years

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hi, vienna! im a new reader of yours and i absolutely find comfort skimming thru your pieces and even you energy you give off yourself sm 😔 as a succesful writer here on tumblr would u mind me asking what can u advice for ppl like me who's just starting to showcase our works? (help to i sound to formal at that part 💀) answer just when u feel like it tho!

and have a nice day/night btw!

hi piper!! i can't thank you enough for your vv kind words omg :( i'd just like to say that i can't consider myself to be a "successful writer" or any of the sorts, bc i just... idk it's hard to explain but i just write these little drabbles in my own little writing bubble haha (im very grateful for the support and encouragements though!!) so im not sure what sort of advices i should give you 🤧🤧

dw about sounding too formal haha it's very endearing imo :') anyways, moving on!! i saw that you were an enhypen writer btw and that's cool bc there are a lot of engenes on this site and there has been a drastic rise since the past few comebacks whoop whoop!! so you actually have a pretty wide audience to cater to now ☝️my biggest tips (i guess) would be creating a nice social circle. get to know people and let them know that you've arrived and you're here, in a sense. it'll make your blog more seen and you'll probably get more support on what you do if you interact (that's just how it usually goes)

most people here are very nice and easy to get along with, so im sure that won't be much of a problem 😽 it's best to be genuine, tho!! another thing i'd recommend is having creative, nice formats for your posts/works/fics or whatever you like calling them. your theme is super cute btw :(( ppl tend to gravitate to certain fics with layouts that appeal to their eyes! even im guilty of that 😔 we judge a lot based on the cover, you could say </3

also another point that i want to add is that you shouldn't overdo it and write too much in too little time :( that'll burn you out and you might eventually become unhappy with the results </3 just take it in a pace you're comfortable and okay with! i used to post stuff every single day for a while and now i haven't been able to properly write for months now (dealing with a very harsh writer's block rn everyone pray for my brain and motivation ;-;)

so yeah, that's the gist of it. everything will come in time and i hope you enjoy it here!! you have a great day/night as well <3

#ii. ( pt ) —! asks

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theghostpinesmusic · 3 months

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youtube

So, when I first started writing about Goose jams regularly, I had a huge backlog of Euro tour shows to watch, and I thought it would be fun to occasionally write about a notable jam from the tour as I worked my way through the shows. Then I got to the end of the tour, weighed in on a few jams from Goosemas as well, and now...there's no more new Goose for the foreseeable future, for what seems like the first time since I started listening in 2019.

I'm going to survive, probably: it's actually been really fun diving back into other music over the last month-plus since Goosemas. I've caught up with some artists I used to love that had sort of fallen off my radar (Fleet Foxes, Wilco, Tallest Man On Earth), tried a few things I'd been meaning to try that I bounced off of (Dawes, Mt. Joy, Lord Huron), discovered some great new stuff (that Andre 3000 album is legitimately good), enjoyed some other jam bands (Spafford, JRAD), and remembered that I do, in fact, love Phish. And that's just in a month of listening!

While Goose's break from touring might mean that the scope of the jams I write about will broaden (I'll definitely share some Phish clips soon, and maybe some Spafford stuff), and it will definitely mean I write less of these posts than I have been lately, I do want to take some of the band's time off to return to some of the jams and shows that have had the biggest impact on me over the last four years.

This band has not only constantly grown and improved over the last four years, they've also blasted out such a nonstop barrage of content over that time that a) it's been hard to even hear/see/absorb it all once, let alone ruminate over much of it, and b) now that the fire hose has been off for a month, the prevailing attention-span-addled fan's attitude seems to be that Goose is done, and it's time to move on to a new fire hose.

To be clear, I'm not writing these posts to argue with some internet strawman, but once you engage with enough of these people often enough, their negativity sort of burrows into your brain and sets up shop (at least if you're me). The best counter to this, I've found, is to stay off social media and write stuff that makes me happy instead.

So, in that spirit, expect to see the occasional "archival" Goose post for the next few months as I revisit jams from the past, both from shows I attended in person and from shows that I just like a lot.

We're going to kick things off with "Rosewood Heart" from the 2/3/22 Wonder Ballroom show, which I attended. Because I haven't covered "Rosewood" yet, I'll have to talk a little about the song first.

And, because this show happened in early '22, I'll have to briefly talk about COVID-19. COVID first, I guess.

So, I could fill (and occasionally have filled) virtual pages of this blog with my thoughts on my experience of COVID-19 and the various ways in which it (mostly horribly) divided my life into thirty-eight years Before and (as I write this) four years After. But I want to focus on the jams today, so suffice to say that 2020 through 2022 was rough for me, like it was for many people.

In tough times, I often turn to music for perspective, escapism, catharsis...you name it. And of course, during 2020, new music was in short supply. Live new music was, basically, not happening. Honestly, as much as I love Goose for their songs and their jams, I think part of the reason I fell so hard for them during this time was because they were the only band still playing. That not only meant they were still putting out new music, it meant that you could watch a livestream of, say, Bingo Tour, and see evidence that someone out there was still doing something besides sneaking to the grocery store at 10pm and hand-washing their tomatoes. This is why, to this day, 3/27/20 is still one of my favorite Goose "shows." It's a good show, but under the circumstances at the time, being able to livestream it made me feel like maybe the world wasn't literally ending.

To cut a long story short, things slowly got better. I saw a bunch of shows in the summer of 2021: Phish at the Gorge and Shoreline and JRAD at the Frost and the Hollywood Palladium. It was a bit freaky to be around such large groups of people at the time, but my mental health was such that I also couldn't imagine not going. Standing out under the sun on the Gorge lawn was sort of the first time I'd felt normal in a year and a half at that point.

Of course, all of those shows were outside and it was easy to socially distance on the various amphitheater lawns (the Palladium is an indoor venue, but it wasn't sold out and it was easy enough to wear a mask and stay out of other people's bubbles during the show). The Goose shows I had tickets for in the spring of 2022 - the first headlining shows of theirs I would ever see and my first in-person Goose show since 2/20/20 - would all be indoors. What's more, in the months before these shows, following the halcyon days of summer '21, more and more concerts had become superspreader events, and frequently shows and entire tours were getting cancelled either because the performers themselves got COVID, or because the band couldn't justify the risk (to themselves and to their audience).

In summer '21, seeing Phish and JRAD had felt like reassurance: not all of my old life was gone, after all. But getting to see four full Goose shows in person in February of '22 felt like a possible step forward into a life beyond whatever the last year-and-change had been.

I was, of course, totally terrified for weeks before the shows that a) someone in the band would get sick, b) I would get sick, c) the tour would get cancelled for safety reasons, d) my car would break down, e) the weather wouldn't cooperate and I wouldn't be able to cross the mile-high pass to Portland, which frequently becomes a death trap during winter storms...

...and so on. It almost seems silly now (and is sort of hard to explain) how desperately a lot of people clung to this or that one good thing they had to look forward to during those times, and for me, for most of early 2022, it was those shows. I had lost so much over the previous year, it sort of felt inevitable that these shows wouldn't happen, that there would be some tragicomic denouement to the one thing I had allowed myself to look forward to.

But everything worked out!

My first show of the run was in Bend, on 2/2. This was a bit poetic, as my first (and only) Goose show before this had also been in Bend (the 2/20/20 one). It was a great show, but the venue was way oversold, so my wife and I hung way in the back, where we could approximate social distancing, and we wore masks the entire time. Of the two Wonder Ballroom shows on 2/3 and 2/4, conventional wisdom is that 2/4 was better, and the band clearly liked it better, too, as they posted the entire show on YouTube...but, I found 2/3 to be way weirder and more interesting for my money, including the "Rosewood" that I'm actually, finally going to get to here shortly. My last show of the run was at the Neptune Theater in Seattle, which was an absolute scorcher of an "encore" show...suffice to say, I went home happy.

While I certainly wouldn't say that this "Rosewood" was the best jam of the entire run (in my opinion, it's in about fifth place), there's a great video of it, and like I said a million words ago, I haven't written about a "Rosewood" yet.

Despite my ranking-language in the previous paragraph, I try to avoid rating and ranking art these days ("Comparison is the thief of joy," and all that)...but if you put a gun to my head and commanded me to pick a favorite Goose song (this is a weird situation, why are you doing this to me?), there're pretty good odds that I would choose "Rosewood." It's an older song of theirs (first played in 2015!) but also always sort of a rarity (only played fifty-five times total over eight years). There's a version of it on their first album, Moon Cabin, which doesn't sound a ton like the current iteration of the band (because it's not), but still gives you a nice snapshot of what makes the song great. In short, it's got some of my favorite compositional flourishes (especially on bass and keys) without being overly compositionally complex, the lyrics do that thing Rick does so well where they allude to a sort of mythological or existential lesson without getting so abstract they lose meaning, and...it's just a real pretty song, you guys.

So, finally, this version in particular. I was stuffed into an oversold Wonder Ballroom in Portland with hundreds of other fans, I was trying not to whack anyone with my poster tube, and I had already sweated through my mask, but I was pumped to hear my first live "Rosewood Heart."

It might just be me, but I feel like this version draws out the introductory noodling a bit longer than usual, before the drums kick in earnest at 0:52. We move quickly from ethereal swells of sound to cascading piano and guitar lines before Rick comes in on vocals. You'll notice immediately during the softer parts of the song how fucking loud the audience was throughout the show. Please go to a concert only if you plan to listen to the music. There are many other places in the world where you can talk.

I love how the feel of the song changes with the bridge section at 2:22. Trevor's bass parts here are particularly great. The piano break at 3:04 is also fantastic. The jam proper starts after the song's vocal outro, at 5:52.

Rick starts off with the lead, and the first thing I notice listening back is how much tinnier and thin his guitar sounds than it typically sounds during a '23 show. This isn't necessarily a good or bad thing in my opinion, but he's almost got a '09-'10 Trey Anastasio effect (what we jaded Phish fans called "the whale call" at the time) going on here. I like it way better when Rick does it, actually.

This beginning section of the jam has a really jazzy feel, because of Rick's playing but also the beat Ben is laying down and the scattered piano chords Peter is playing. It's pretty abstract compared to your "usual" Goose rock jam, which is neat.

Rick starts building some momentum at 7:40, and the band picks up the energy to match his shredding. There is an absolute Wall Of Cymbals here that is just great. Post-peak, there's a few minutes of high-energy shredding before Rick steps back at 10:00, setting the stage for the next jam space.

After a short, spacey interlude, Peter starts developing a riff (do you call it a riff when it's on piano?) on piano. Along with some great, nuanced drumming from Ben, this sets the stage for the next portion of the jam. This almost-but-not-quite-disco jam is a great example of what I often think of as Goose's "default" 2022 jamming style. Basically, Peter homes in on a particular "sample" that he plays over and over on keys for a few minutes while everyone else plays around him. It's something that happens a ton during many of the band's twenty-plus-minute jams from this year. I don't know if it's a matter of Peter not wanting to or being able to lead jams in other ways (he's a fairly new keyboard player, as per my understanding), or if this is just a reflection of the band's electronica influence (see songs like "Creatures" and "Into The Myst,") but they got a lot of mileage out of the approach during this year, to the point that I enjoyed it at first, but was getting a little tired of it by December. They'll come back to it occasionally these days, but to my ears, Peter's approach to improvising on keys is way more varied than it was two years ago.

All that said, the keys "sample" does provide a great foundation for this jam, as long as you're not being a grumpy, jaded fan about it. Rick adds a lot of flavor on rhythm and melody guitar, the percussion dropping in and out adds variety, and Trevor builds a nice, comfy wooden fence around the whole thing to keep it reasonably contained.

Things slow down a little at 17:10, when the bass drops out and then the drums switch up. Rick changes his playing shortly after to something that sounds a ton like "Atlas Dogs" in a cool way and the lights even change to something a bit more nightmare chic to reflect the jam's dark turn.

This second build really feels like it's driven by Trevor, and I'm here (there?) for it. The camera's focus on Jeff tearing it up also brings into focus what the percussion contributes to the energy. Rick, of course, comes in at the end to cast out all demons and nearly destroy the FOH camera setup.

The video fades out at the end as the jam wraps up, though in "real life" this was a transition into a great version of "Indian River."

If you've read all the way to the end of this, God help you. I didn't mean to write this much, but writing about music is a) fun and b) a way to procrastinate doing the writing I'm actually supposed to be doing. So, thanks for enabling me!

I'm not sure what I'm going to cover next, but I'd love to rewatch/revisit some of the other '22 shows I attended, especially the Dillon shows and NYE in Cincinnati, so...maybe that's next?

#goose #goose the band #music #live music #jams #jam bands #tour journal #writing #traveling #Youtube #covid 19

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