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letstalksymphogear · 5 years

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Symphogear, EP. 6

Last Time on Grand Theft Auto:

Tsubasa recovers from the world’s gayest coma as Hibiki trains her mind while putting aside such silly concepts as “the love of my life” and “literally being with my girlfriend.” After cooling Miku’s paranoia with her brand new washboard abs, Genjuro prepares the team for a pizza run across the city to deliver a dangerously hot pizza pie named Durandal. Chaos emerges as the delivery is intercepted by a rival pizza gang, lead by the nefarious Gremlin known as Yukine Chris. But, before the pizza could be claimed, dedicated pizza deliverywoman Hibiki not only steals it back, but eats it, harnessing the power of the pizza and unleashing cheesy pasta based chaos around the location.

Ryoko is so into it that she taps into her superpowers and protects Hibiki after she passes out. The delivery is considered a failure, and no tip is given.

And so, the journey continues...

Meanwhile, in this weird, tricked out mansion...

Chris meditates on some water metaphors of her own.

“that pacman colored freak took only touching it to activate a cheap ass french sword that gave her weird demon powers and its taken me YEARS to use this dumb stripper outfit and the funny cane that goes with it, what the FUCK man, what even is my life”

“maybe... maybe honeybaked hams ARE that powerful...”

“NO! turkey is the superior meat! it’s healthier, lower in fat, and way more tasty! fuck you! i’ll get my goddamned revenge!”

Chris begins musing about Fine’s motivations to capture Hibiki; during these, we’re treated to some brief image flashbacks of Chris’s life.

Suddenly, those jokes about food are a lot less funny.

It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together as to why this young woman is helping a strange nudist dominatrix spread alien terror across the city of mumblednoises, Japan. She doesn’t really have many an option on the table. It’s either help the weird kinkster with her plans, or die.

Despite everything, she has a high opinion of Fine, for the same reasons someone might have a high opinion of a television show if it were the only show they were ever exposed to. She is deeply afraid of being alone again, because she has lived through such misery that the very thought of existing out in the cold again terrifies the shit out of her.

The Sun rises casually amidst Chris’s thoughts.

“ah shit. it just hit me. i literally have spent the entire night standing here instead of actually going the fuck to sleep. goddamnit.”

On such a devious metaphorical twist, Fine stands behind her as the Sun rises.

“yeah, jokes on you. i couldnt sleep for shit either. turns out, all nude, no blankets? in japan? real bad idea.”

“thats why i decided to GO GOTH, babey! whattaya think? do i give those witchy vibes, huh? real ‘black magic woman’ santana hours? feeling cute, gonna head out with the girls and summon satan in the woods kinda aesthetic looking shit? come on, be real with me. does this not look baller?”

“you look like morticia decided to go to the grocery store to buy some wonder bread, but other than that, its a step up from your usual pussy out attitude, so sure”

“you know i decided to get some brain cells on loan from Brain Cells R Us, and ive been thinking this solomon cane stuff is solomon lame. i dont need this dumb oversized harry potter cosplay prop to get shit done. also, murder is... sorta bad? im still trying to get the brain cell stuff down.”

“i can punch just as good as goody two shoes if not better.”

“lol go do it then champ, im gonna go cut down a forest of trees now”

And so, they both just kinda... stand there.

“QUACK, NEXT SCENE, QUACK”

Meanwhile, Tsubasa is rapidly trying to rehabilitate herself from her wounds like walking like a madman, her IV drip presumably filled with Taco Bell brand Doritos Locos Tacos super spicy nacho cheese. Taco Bell: Live Mas.

“im gonna clear every fucking taco bell in your goddamned memory, kanade”

“think outside the bun! wait, what? that was a taco bell slogan? ah fuck it, im dead. what nerd’s gonna try and correct me?”

“i would, kanade. i am that nerd.”

Tsubasa is hell bent to try and understand Kanade’s simple philosophy of helping others selflessly. Unfortunately, when Kanade died, she took all the brain cells between them in the process, so coming to this epiphany is a work in progress.

“listen its a fucking miracle you are 1. alive and 2. able to have your blood run on the garbage melted plastic taco bell tries to dupe people into believing is cheese so why dont you just lie down and think of better franchises to eat from”

“no! you dont understand! taco bell is a franchise of the PEOPLE! their meals are cheap and filling and- and the chicken quesadillas are of good quality for their price! i promised kanade- my vow to the death. taco bell... ergh... now and forever... i-”

“wait. my gay senses are tingling.”

It’s Hibiki, probably running track with Miku.

“oh yeah... her... i should probably apologize to her. about trying to kill her. and then letting her almost be kidnapped. and just giving her a general hard time about something that wasn’t explained to her in the slightest for months. she’s a good bean.”

Tsubasa proceeds to never canonically apologize to Hibiki throughout the entirety of all 4 seasons of Symphogear.

Look at em run. See, it’s a metaphor, because they haven’t communicated yet and they’re running from their problems! But they’re running towards Tsubasa, who is part of the representative problem these two share! Clearly literary genius.

It’s like someone went halfway into writing an NTR plotline and went “maybe this isn’t a good idea to market our songs on.”

Hibiki is still thinking about her Hellshake Yano moment with Durandal. Mainly how she nearly killed someone with it. Hibiki is very starkly in the “killing is bad, and wrong” camp of morality, a trait currently unique to her that she’ll wind up teaching literally everyone else she meets one way or another.

Some could argue the L stands for Lydian, and they’re wrong. It stands for Lesbian.

“that was one hell of a run, hibiki! im pooped! why dont we go to the locker room and call it a day, have a nice shower and just get some dinn-”

“this is the last straw.

i clean your plates. i cook your food. we eat, shit, shower, and sleep in the same FUCKING area, and this is how you repay me? huh? you think being your wife is easy shit, hibiki? half the damn time you’re running off like clark kent having food poisoning and the other half ive gotta babysit you, the emotional equivalent of a preteen clown, to make sure your life doesn’t self destruct harder than Atlantis sinking into the ocean. im done! i am DONE. im reopening my tinder, im slamming my ass BACK into okcupid, and im gonna date some CUTE ACADEMY GIRLS that treat me BETTER than this ABSOLUTE BETRAYAL OF HEART AND IM NOT CRYING I SWEAR ITS JUST THE SWEAT IN MY EYES AND HIBIKI HOW COULD YOU-”

“oh yeah, sure! hey, lemme just do a few more laps, ive just been feeling judgmental about myself and my figure, you know? gotta push myself further...”

“o-oh yeah, sure. no worries, ill wait for you. love you too, hibiki...”

The girls bathe together, as good friends typically do.

“hey you ever notice the showers here have like, weird psuedo-luxurious minipools to bathe in? like, how rich is this school?”

“whoever made this place is either rich or a pervert. or both, probably!”

Miku remarks that Hibiki has changed since she’s entered Lydian, in a manner most unheterosexual.

“oh FUCK you really DO have washboard abs now! ohhh my god.”

“damn, those abs were heavenly. let’s get pancakes later.”

I won’t screenshot it but something to note is that they actually wear each other’s corresponding underwear colors (or even, if you want to examine more closely, each other’s underwear). Here’s an equivalent scene to give you the mental image.

This is the face of someone who knows what they want and already have it. Such is the power of Kohinata Miku.

Meanwhile, Genjuro comes back from the funeral of the guy the Americans filled violently and with impunity.

“yo that all black look looks baller. i should borrow that look... id look pretty gothy in it.”

“ryoko i sympathize with your sharp, fashionista eye but this was for a funeral, i was paying my respects to the dead. thats the usual dress code.”

“didnt know they updated that. i remember back in my day, we just went in white garments and chanted in latin!”

“shit was fire. literally. lots of funeral pyres.”

“lmao ryoko buddy your larping sessions arent actual history”

“hey dont shit on larping around me. i used to be a professional larper while i was majoring in acting. helped really sell my career when i had to pretend to slay the Dark Lord Jyarloen atop the mountain of skulls in Hargobor after my family was killed by the Dark Army. asshole.”

“haha yeah, larping, thats cool yeah, i do that

i...

i larp.”

“oh yeah? you wanna join my larping session sometime then? we’re gonna do an ancient babylon plot thats inspired by some anime, itll be fun”

“.....................................im super into realism.”

“i know im dressed for a funeral but id like to not part ways with my dignity yet. besides, we’ve got serious shit to talk about. basically, we’re on the verge of getting shitcanned.”

As it turns out, the death of this politician removed the last obstacle of opposition to maintain the 2nd Division, as the average criticism against the 2nd Division is “why are we funding this mystery division when we don’t know what they do”. Of course, the sensible idea for an organization that defeats the Noise is to declassify it, given people of different jobs and positions have physically seen the Symphogear in action, but you know. “Oh no, the other governments will come after us” stick gets shaken.

“im in a union. i know my rights. you’re not taking my acting job here away from me.”

“im not going back to be a preschool teacher. its been ten year. the bites on my ankles still havent healed...”

“yeah man, shit sucks ass. i cant fund my adoption habits if im fired.”

Look at these cinematic parallels. Symphogear truly is a franchise made by someone living in 3030.

“worst part is the new minister is super into america. he’s a... westaboo.”

“a westaboo?”

“westaboo?”

“did he just unironically say westaboo”

“he said westaboo. oh my god. this is the hell timeline.”

“i mean people kept calling me that for worshipping all these fighting flicks so i guess it fit? i dont see the problem here”

Meanwhile, in Lydian Academy...

“so it hit me, right? we’re ALL girls. and we ALL sing. now, humor me a moment. what if... what if we’ve all been recruited to potentially be superheroes... through our singing? like, there’s no coincidence that all this shit happens around us, right? and a famous singer LIVES here? i saw the black cars outside! weird shit is happening here- im not even gonna eat the all you can eat bar anymore!”

“kathy there is literally no such thing as superheroes who sing. this place is more likely to be a organ harvesting op than whatever madness you’re saying”

“what? you need me, a singing superhero, to go stop a problem happening underneath the school, a location meant to recruit young women into potentially becoming fellow crime fighting singers?”

“yeah im too busy poppin’ caps in asses so go kick ass in my place”

“sure!”

“.....................................who ya talkin to, hibiki?”

“the boss! gotta go do a thing again...”

“hibiki, i dont like the fact that capitalism is tearing us apart.”

“you’ve gotta join me in the revolution, hibiki. you. me. luxury automated gay space communism. aint it the dream? share my vision, hibiki. its glorious.”

“n... no...? no gay space communism today? well, what about tomorrow? or the next day? or... maybe the next day? baby steps, you say? but, direction action, hibiki! we’ve gotta strike now!”

“it’s okay hibiki. when i take over the world and destroy all first world government leaders, and unite the globe in my encompassing reign and love... ill make sure to spare you, and be my bride to be.”

“thanks miku. im just not ready yet for the globe to burn in an unending ball of fire as the continents fuse into a new utopia composed of our combined wills. also, ive really gotta go, its genuinely an emergency.”

“for the cause!”

“yes hibiki... for the cause...”

Admittedly, you can see the stages of grief Miku goes through when she sees Hibiki say she can’t join her for pancakes. It’s sad. This side story sucks.

Meanwhile, as it turns out, the problem Hibiki needed to resolve was checking on Tsubasa to see if she hadn’t dissolved into Taco Bell brand hot n’ spicy Tabasco sauce.

“god, cant believe taco bell was closed. now i gotta deliver these lame ass flowers”

“cant wait to get threatened again. wonder what she’ll say. ‘hibiki, i should have killed you when i had the chance.’ or ‘you’re so goddamned weak. i could break your spine with my fingernail’, or some other stuff about metaphors. oh, my stops here”

“HEY BITCH WHATS GOOD-”

“HOLY SHIT”

“you are already”

“dead.”

#symphogear #recap #anime #comedy #sponsored by taco bell

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fergalamorous · 4 years

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9 Years Later

I always forget about this survey for a few years and then stumble upon it. I wrote it years ago for facebook notes and dig it up to add to it when I find it. Its nice to look back on who I was at the time and reflect on how I’ve changed. I think each time I’ve taken it so far I’ve been with a different boy. I think I’ll keep up this tradition as long as I remember it.

Just for reference here is the numbering of the years I’ve taken it.

1. 2011 possibly. 17yo, dating one boy (M), thirsting after another(J).

2. 2012-13 I think, 18yo with J, either long distance or about to be long distance

3. 2015-16, 21ish in Boston again, post break up, dating Z

4. 2018, 23yo still in Boston, single, working on degree and career.

5. 2019 25 yo still in Boston, single working on degree, no longer a woman

[[(3 commentary)found a post I made 3 years ago when I was still with John where I went back and answered questions I had answered when I was still with Malcolm. I have decided to continue this tradition now that I am with a new boyfriend and have many years of experience to boot. Who knew what an old facebook survey would evolve into over 4 years.

(2 commentary)I found a note on my facebook that I wrote 4 days before I broke up with M and J and I started dating. Here is me retaking the quizy doodle with original answers still in tact. John had commented “interesting.”]]

Do you think things will change in the next 3 months?

1. Positive

2. Moving up to Boston is a change I do believe.

3. Enough has changed in the past two months that three months of no changes seems like a godsend.

4. Aside from the commitee i’m on, this semester is pretty set in stone.

5. I will have applied to all my grad schools and released my second album Look On Songbird and officially be in my last semester of undergrad

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?

1. Mom

2. John.

3. Quack

4. my father

5. My momma

Waiting for something?

1. Sanity

2. John to be done with homework, I’m hopelessly bored.

3. short term, my first no shift weekend so i can finally relax. long term a visit from Quack Duck

4. Ski trip in the mountain with my fellow gays

5. December, self appointed due dates for grad apps and album release

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?

1. I (2.Definitely) can’t remember

3. Long Distance boyfriend

4. Last failed hetero-romance/now nearly best friend.

5. My best friend/ little sister Linda (who is 14 and the coolest)

You never know what you got until you lose it? True or false?

1. Definitely true, the truest true.

2. True. And then by some merciful act of God (but really you did it) you get it back again and you make sure to never let it go again. And that’s how I got my groove back.

3. True, but sometimes you know exactly what you have and still need to let it go. And thats when you realize you didn’t actually know at all what you had.

4. I could write a wispy answer about true love, but the most i’ve lost recently is my keys.

5. I mean, most recently, kind of. In a kind of opposite point of view, I thought I knew exactly what I had until he did something to lose me.

Do you want to see somebody right now?

1. I want to crawl underneath a huge blanket and have somebody take all my calls because I’m busy being a blanket. 2. John, constantly. Marissa too, it’s been forever since I’ve seen her. 3. My mom, my sister, Marissa, David, Quack, Michael. Its funny because (aside from david) when I first wrote this I was able to see all of them every day 4. I wish I could see my mom still. We talk every day but I miss her. 5. My little sister. I see her everyday but she really has become my rock recently and I wish I could see her all the time. And my mom.

Are you happy?

1. To some extent

2. Yes. I’m happier than I’ve been all month.

3. I have suffered through so much with the break up and continue to suffer through being back in massachusetts… but I am beginning to feel happiness from inside myself. Contentedness at the direction my life is heading.

4. Yes, to some extent. Things are looking up every day and I really am coming into my own in school. 5. I’ve honestly been having a terrible summer/semester. As I careen into the depths of winter and closer and closer to the submissions I have to make in December I cant help but fear for how it will feel to put myself out there, academically, creatively, emotionally, and if I can mentally handle rejection of that scale? I am very fragile rn.

Is any part of you sad at all?

1. Yes

2. Is it bad that some part of me is always a little sad? That if I try, I can dig it up and be sad instead of happy?

3. No past me, it’s not bad it’s called depression and if you let it, which you do, it will consume your life. But yes to answer the question, a large part of me is sad deep down. Deep down I’m not at all happy with where I am in life and even if I am in a wonderful relationship with someone who is so supportive and understanding I know that it is not enough to wipe away all my sadness of the events that have happened over the passed year.

4. I feel saddened by very little lately as I’m currently taking these amazing antidepressants that both treat my crippling depression and my ADHD in one fell swoop…. but yes. I still occasionally feel bad about how I left things with certain people. 5. Protip future and past Ren, the antidepressents sent you into a mania from all the good that happened in 2018, seriously strap in that was the best year of your life. And you knew it. But 2019 brought the pain. You came out as trans and crashed from a new pill to take you out of your manic state. So yeah, I’m sad. I’m on now two antidepressents and a mood stabilizer to keep me from wanting to die.

In 4 months, how old will you be?

1. 17

2. 18

3. 21

4. one month shy of 24

5. 25

How are you feeling at this moment?

1. flustered.

2. Bored.

3. Awake at 4 am you tell me.

4. nostalgic 5. Productive, about to walk to chemistry society and get shit done.

What made you laugh last?

1. Conversation last night

2. John making funny voices at me telling me to get online. :3

3. The fact that my boyfriend thought that saying “I’ll wait for the next elevator” and then hanging up is an appropriate way to end a skype conversation. I laughed for like 7 minutes. Its my favorite.

4. my physics lab group being dork

5. Someone having road rage, because whats the point.

Are you drunk?

1. nope

2. I’m constantly blasted. I’m like cheesy blasters but with alcohol and no hot dog.

3. Oh poor past lauren. Never touched alcohol. Just you wait til your first big heart break it happens when you turn twenty one and shit gets weird yall.

4. lol yeah its called signs symptoms of inherited alcoholism (exactly the reason you didn’t drink as a teenager) that can be linked with your disorder and the high impulsivity and low self control that comes with iiiiit. made you push your partner away, make increasingly horrible decisions over the years, and contributed heavily to the depression after the break up! so no I’m not drunk. I’m currently and for the past half a year or more been working on becoming completely sober. Life has been much better since.

5. Good news! Still sober! But like actually. Still can attest my life, though in a bad place now, would be much worse if I started drinking again. Soriety was the best concious decision I’ve ever made.

Have you ever kissed a blonde-haired, blue-eyes person?

1. Nope.

2. Still no. I’ve kissed a mirror many times though. Not anything more than a peck and a wink though. I was a weird kid. 2 years ago.

3. Yes we share the same first and middle name and weirdly enough this time it wasn’t me kissing a mirror. She was a real human.

4. Yes still the same girl though. More into brunettes. 5. Yes. still the same girl. Turns out I have a thing for dark haired people more so than blondes.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 10 days?

1. Yes

2. Jill has.

3. Yes my dad hugged me goodnight

4. T and I hug goodbye. 5. My dad after I had a big talk with him about his misgendering me and how it makes me feel. I was sobbing and he told me he doesn’t care what gender I am. It was a beautiful moment.

If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret?

1. money just because the regrets are what shape me and who I am. I’d probably just put it in my savings because I have no use for it now.

2. Still money. I need college money. Unless I use the ability to change a regret to change my answer to money again, because that’d be a pretty big regret.

3. Change a regret. No matter how much I need the money. My biggest regret in life hadn’t happened yet when I’d answered the last two times and it’s now two almost three years after it happened. If I could go back and change everything I would. That way I could say I’ve hugged jill in the passed 10 days since I havent even spoken with her in the last 10 months…

4. My biggest regret has since been resolved and my best friend of over 10 years is back in my life for good I hope. Lesson learned, apologize and show your friends you care for them and want them in your life. I would still change the regret though. 5. Still regret.

Where will you be 2 hours from now?

1. With Mal

2. Hopefully talking to John. If not I don’t know, sleeping?

3. Please god sleep. I hope sleep. And not still doing this quiz thing.

4. boring answer but sleeping

5. Working on grad school applications, or maybe eating lunch with friends.

What’s bothering you right now?

1. If you really must know, there are some very important matters on my plate currently, next to the peas and carrots, and the decisions I have to make to resolve these matters are bothering me profusely, to the extent of near madness. I like saying I know what I want but you see, I can not say I know anything. Saying that is sheer foolishness. I would like to say I know what needs to be done, but you seem I can not say I’m able to do anything, and what I’m able to do I’m sure would be useless in resolving these bothersome matters, so I’ve yet to attempt them. It’s the things I’m most unable to do that are the only solutions, and that is what locks me in this state of uselessness and flusteredhood. That is what is bothering me.

2. Mostly the boredom. And the way I talk in that answer. I wanna punch past me in the face.

3. I’m bothered I’m not asleep, I’m bothered I’m in the same situation I was in a few years ago, I’m bothered that I’m still not happy when I feel like I should be…. I don’t know.

4. I’m bothered of how I left things with each of my exes (besides the shitty abusive one, he’s the only one who got any closure and ended on a positive note despite him being a pile of garbage.) 3. The amount of work I have to do over the next month. I’m a busy person.

Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today?

1. (2. Still) No

3. Yeah “good morning sweetie”

4. My mom telling me she didn’t have a hulu 5. Linda laughing at a meme I sent her.

Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind?

1. Yep

2. Yep and I’m willing to bet it’s the same guy as the one from 2 years ago.

3. Yeah and I’m willing to bet its still the same guy… just for different reasons now.

4. Mostly same sex nowadays. Thirsting for a girl in my physics class. 5. Opposite sex has become a confusing term for me now, but honestly not usually. This survey is making me think of my old boyfs again.

Your best friend tells you, “you have a drinking problem”, you say?

1. You have a stupid. I… I’m fine, You! You are not fine, but I… I ammm fiiiiiine. I’m GREAT. We’re fine aren’t we… arrre fine. So go away.

2. thanks for noticing.

3. Please thank you for noticing it was a cry for help and I realize sometimes people need releases but I went way over board and everyone around me was just encouraging me so I’m going to move to massachusetts and avoid drinking as much as possible because I don’t want to end up like my father.

4. Ok maybe its been a bit more than a year that I’ve been trying to quit… maybe its been nearly 3 years. At least I’m getting a better handle nowadays. 5. My best friend when I actually had a drinking problem had a bigger problem then I did, so when I told him I didn’t want to drink anymore he asked “are you sure???” and continued to invite me to bars. for a year and a half. I didn’t truly quit until he stopped talking to me which honestly I thank him for.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?

1. Probably maybe don’t know blah blah

2. Yeah but it’s all fabulous.

3. Yes, I’ve heard what they say, and I know it isn’t fabulous.

4. Yeah. Got called a bitch behind my back for showing leadership skills in a laboratory. So it’s fabulous.

5. Yeppp, gossip is a bitch but so am I *shrug*

What was the first thing you did this morning?

1. Sat in bed and thought about life made myself waffles and ate them while thinking about life

2. Groaned because it was time to go to school.

3. Praised the lord I wasn’t hungover went out to the living room where my little sister and dad were watching star wars.

4. Got ready for organic chem lab.

5. I’m trying to drink a glass of water first thing when I wake up so at 6:30 I shuffled into the kitchen and did just that.

Is it possible to be single and happy?

1. of course.

2. Yes. Love yourself mother fucker.

3. Honestly I wouldn’t know anymore? Because I haven’t given myself a chance to be single in almost 5 years. Its been one boy after another with like a week tops in between. I’m assuming it is possible.

4. Great news, it’s extremely possible. Each and every boy you’ve ever been with, with probably the exception of Z, has held you back because you let them. I am thriving currently. It’s been just nearly a year of being single, a large factor contributing that hetero sex while sober is just not something you wanna sign up for and could not go through with last time you tried.

5. Yeah. Absolutely.

Do you have strange dreams?

1. Definitely

2. They mostly involve John dying or leaving me recently. Separation anxiety is a helluva drug.

3. A black tenticled entity in the water turned out to be radio active and my boyfriend turned into dale gribble and got submurged in nuclear waste and froze solid but then flew us to safety in his airplane. Yes. I have very very weird dreams.

4. I birthed a baby then immediately left it to go to an opera.

5. Man I wish I had an example. They get weirder every year

What’s more important In a relationship, trust or happiness?

1. Trust

2. I love how I answered trust here when at the time I was planning on leaving my ex for my current boyfriend. I really should have answered happiness. Maybe at that point I was still a scared little pussy (LANGUAGE YOUNG LADY) and pretending I wasn’t hopelessly in love with John. Or at least crushing mad hard. Anyway, I still think it’s trust, because trust fosters happiness.

3. Trust. Communication comes first. Communication fosters trust fosters happiness. If you are not happy communicate. If you are still not happy medicate. If you are still not happy get the fuck out of there.

4. Trust. I’ve been told I’m gullible but this explains it, I’m so trusting in relationships that I’ve had men lie to me and walk all over me. I trust so openly, but its such a two way street. I remember J near the end would just tell me all he used to lie about, which was a lot, and it really opened up my eyes. Most recent train wreck abusive sh*t hole did the same thing but I don’t trust that easily anymore.

5. Trust. My last relationship ended because he broke every bit of trust I had in him. He broke it once and then after we talked, set boundaries and I made it explicitly clear this was it for me, a handful of months later he broke it again. And I was so happy with him -- over the moon in love. But as soon as I lost the trust I left him a week later.

What time did you go to bed last night?

1. I don’t remember. I fell asleep a few times on the phone :) <- AAAAAAAWWWW

2. Awwww this is adorable, it’s when I was still talking to John late at night. That little smiley face says it all right there. I didn’t smile when I answered “with mal” a couple of questions ago. There’s no way I would have not chosen John. I was way to into him.

3. Literally like 5 am I got high as a kite and sang songs to my boyfriend over the phone on the curb somewhere in my neighborhood and came home watched 2 minutes of chowder with him and passed the fuck out.

4. 12ish. Have an 8 am T W TH so I sleep pretty early usually. Still adjusting from winter break. Also those phone conversations were mostly lies. Less adorable knowing that information. 5. 11, I recorded backing vocals for my friend’s album and came back and passed out.

Did you accept or deny your last friend request?

1. accept

2. don’t fucking remember.

3. Probably accept.

4. Probably deny.

5. Left on read I dont know them

Did you speak to your father today?

1. (2. Still) no

3. Yes I (4. still 5. still) live with him. (4. after a year in my own apartment) (5. I’m eager to leave but I’m gonna miss him)

What do you think about the weather?

1. it’s hot as hades need sprinklers

2. It’s pretty chillbert, but it’s not as bad as it’s going to be when I move away from the warmth of florida and into the icy winters of the northeast.

3. This is hilarious I think I wrote this sometime in december in the second answer in Florida, and it was probably like 50-60 degrees. It’s august in massachusetts and it was 66 all day. I LOVE the weather and the icy winters of the north east are rad as hell snow sculptures are the BOMB.

4. haha even more hilarious, it rained all day yesterday near freezing then today it was below freezing so my soaking wet jacket and gloves were miserable to wear also I slipped on one of the death patches of ice. but yeah icy winters of the northeast are rad.

5. Winter fuckin slaps, it snowed for the first time this season yesterday. I’m cold as hell but snow is the prettiest thing in the world.

Are you ticklish?

1. Yes, but only, for some reason, to people who I really care about and I’m comfortable around. You kind of have to earn being able to tickle me. and once able to, I’m extremely ticklish. Mostly just jumpy though

2. I let myself be ticklish for certain people. Currently that person is John.

3. I’m just fucking ticklish I don’t know what I was sniffing when I wrote those other two, but anyone so much as touches me I’m done.

4. I kick people when they tickle me now. I give them 1 verbal warning, I say I do not like to be tickled do not do it, I will kick you. If they try again I kick them.

5. Still tell them not to tickle me. I feel hella violated being tickled now adays

Who’s car were you in last?

1. Allison’s

2.Michael’s

3. My own. (actually a VERY recent development.)

4. My dad’s

5. Mine driving back from my circuit theory class.

What was the last thing you drank?

1. Koolaid

2. Damn I had koolaid? sweet. Uh, I think water.

3. Still stoked about that koolaid I was drinking 4 years ago. Does chowder count if I wasn’t using a spoon? God what has new england turned me into.

4. Damn how do I, an adult, not buy koolaid every day. Also water.

5. Hot coffee

Have you kissed the last person you texted?

1. No

2. If you count facebook IM being sent to the phone then yes. Lots of times.

3. Yes. Lots of times.

4. Yes and i wasnt a fan so we dont do it anymore.

5. Ew no alabama 100

Does that person want to kiss you?

1. no

2. Yes he does.

3. I sure hope so.

4. Maybe? I don’t know, but he respects my decision not to want to anymore.

5. Ew no alabama 100

Are you single?

1. i am not

2. I am not.

3. I am not.

4. I am!! Look at me now ma.

5. Yes

Do you want to be single?

1. I like the freedoms

2. God no.

3. I like the freedoms, but no.

4. Any time you see me say “I like the freedoms” meant I rushed into that relationship and I wanted out secretly. And yes I want to be single. but I wouldn’t mind a girl to spend my time with, come home to, dote upon.

5. I need to be single. Transitioning is one of the most terrifying confusing things I’ve ever done, and the idea of adding any kind of relationship or sex on top of that when I don't feel comfortable with my junk region is a big nah from me

Do you secretly like someone?

1. Yes (2. but it’s not really a secret)

3. No.

4. Yes, but its just a little school crush since she cut her hair and smiles at me every so often.

5. You know it, I have about five hundred crushes. I’m starting to look more into polyamory, two (4?) of them are on couple-friends I have and how much I love being around them, and a girl in my chem society who ??? touched? my butt? but probably just as friends. Others are on just the general public, and every woman/nonbinary.

Why did your last relationship end?

1. Because when you have a relationship with someone who’s secretly still in a relationship things don’t work out too peachy. But see, I didn’t find that part out until a month or two after things were said and done. It ended because he had a mental break down and we decided friends was a better option. Though we aren’t really friends anymore.

2. I left him for someone who made me a million times happier, who wasn’t in love with his best friend, and who had so much in common with me it was creepy. Sure leaving someone is not cool to do I guess, but it turned out alright, and I feel like it was the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire 18 years of life.

3. We mutually decided that we were not happy in the relationship anymore and decided it was time to walk away from it. We loved each other very much but love is not enough to make a relationship work. We aren’t speaking anymore though. He’s done with me I guess. I hurt him too bad, I got hurt too and said some things just because I knew he’d see them and now he wants nothing to do with me. (5. ps its good he’s done with you, even though it dipped life got 5000 x better.)

4. I told him I just wanted to be friends because school is too hectic for me to commit to a relationship but as I reflected I realized I wasn’t attracted to him and so now I’m spending some time with the wlw side of myself. An (5. seriously still) amazing friendship and music partnership blossomed from it so I don’t regret anything. (5. I ended up singing on his album this week!)

5. He broke my trust. I have a lot of trauma from a relationship I had where I trusted when I shouldn't have. He knew this and still crossed a boundary two too many times. That was a big one. It hurt a lot. Even though I broke up with him he really broke my heart. Somehow we have made it work where we are still friends, because mutual friends, and mutual classes, but I dont know how long that will last.

Where is the furthest place you’ve traveled?

1 and 2. Maine

3. That’s hilarious because now I live in massachusetts and Maine is like 2 hours away… now the furthest i’ve traveled south is tampa

4. Seattle WA to visit my love Marissa, who tragically I have not spoken to in a very long time.

5. Still Seattle, but I am going to start planning a Europe trip for next summer.

Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?

1. God why make me choose

2. Sleep. I haven’t been getting enough sleep and I’m not hungry.

3. Sleep eating is a chore most of the time.

4. Sleep. Currently in my semester I wish I could sleep 10 hours but I’m only getting 6 and then working my brain like a maniac.

5. SLEEEEEEP

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?

1, 2, 3. Still Mom

4. I dont know my dad and I look super similar when he shaves his beard. I have his eyes and his dimples.

5. Hopefullyy when I start T I will have a lucious beard just like dave >u<

How long does it take you to shower?

1. 10-15 minutes

2. 5 minutes.

3. 1 hour and a bottle of wine.

4. (5.) 10-15 miinutes. Yeah shower wine isn’t a good sign there, Lauren.

What did you do on New Years Eve?

1. Watched the Archer marathon on FX with padre.

2. :) New years eve. God that night was like magic. I spent it with John on navarre beach, and watched fireworks happen across what ever body of water that was.

3. shit that was when i punched my vcard. at midnight new years eve on the beach. um this new years… man its been so long oh shit i was at a party getting hella crossfaded with all my best girl friends from highschool, my exboyfriend, my current boyfriend and all of their friends. good times.

4. I spent it sober playing video games and watching best of monty python flying circus with Ty. went to karaoke for a song.

5. I believe I was in florida with my family and B. I cant exactly remember though.

Can you speak any other language than English?

1. some spanish

2. I know a little klingon. qamuSHa’ = I love you. (3. fuckin nerd)

3. Puedo hablar un poco espanol si tengo un momento a pensar acerca de ello. Pero esto es solamente algo eso estoy aprendiendo hacer con mi novio. Tengo una clase en septiembre. I doon’t know klingon. i could not speak klingon if i tried. still a nerd tho.

4. shit I know more klingon now, the new star trek series is spoken entirely in it. seriously though 2 is such a pataQ

5. Duolingo is a hell of an app.

What is the last letter of your middle name?

(1. 2., 3, 4)h

5. in a year it will be s (hopefully)

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

1. Cant remember, enough

2. Well I got home from the concert at 1:50, fell asleep around 3:40, and woke up at 7:40. So 4 hours.

3. fell asleep at 5 woke up at 11. 6 hours. keep track of your sleeping chillins. Sleep is so important.

4. about 6

5. 6 hours and 52 minutes. Sleep tracker app.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?:

1. If I don’t forget

2. All the time.

3. ALWAYS.

4. Literally used to put my seatbelt on to hot box a car that we did not plan on moving. But now a days I’m a bit riskier.

5. Yes I feel uncomfortable.

Are you scared of flying?

1. (2.Still) in an airplane no, theorhetical “flying” yes.

3. I wouldn’t mind the ability to fly.

4. (5.)I have zero interest in having the ability to fly.

What would you say is your worst flaw?

1. :/ I don’t know. Indecisiveness, my inability to accept that I’m much more than I allow myself to be. Don’t ask me that question. In fact that’s a horrible question to ask someone. It makes them feel bad and think about it. Here, new question.

2. Good answer. But my worst flaw in my personal opinion is not taking medicine correctly.

3. pushover.

4. impulsive. fuels a lot of bad decisions, bad addictions, i blurt things out that hurt people. I know it’s a part of the bipolar and adhd but I wish it wasnt as bad, even at 23

5. I’m kind of annoying. that might be the adhd? I don’t know

What would you say is your best trait?

1. I’m nice.

2. I am understanding.

3. I give advice to those who need it. Even if I can’t follow it myself.

4. I dont give up easily.

5. I am always preparing for my future. I have so much faith that I will do well and work my ass off to achieve it.

How many times a week do you shower?

1. 4-5

2. Yeah.

3. HAHAHAH what bitch that goes down to 1-2 times a week real fast. Um I shower almost every day now, but thats just because I have a new shampoo and hot showers relax my old achey muscles. If i could i’d say a good amount is 2-4.

4. (5.) every other day just about, which I shouldn’t because I dye my hair.

Would you say that people consider you a major flirt?

1. I don’t know what they say, but I don’t go around flirting with just everybody

2. Said the girl who flirted with a boy she just met at relay for 12 hours and every other night for 4+ hours until she broke up with her boyfriend for him.

3. God I’m such a bad flirt I really am put me in a room of men or women and I will hit on all of them even when I’m in a commited relationship. it’s just fun. you flirt you laugh you have a good time they give you weed and alcohol and then you slip into the night and cry because snakes dont have arms.

4. hahah today I’m a wreck at flirting but its mostly because I’m used to flirting with men. Flirting with women is so much more difficult, the most I do is make eye contact long enough to plan our life together then get nervous and walk away. Fell in love briefly with a girl at the library tonight. Said one word to her then left. Tragic.

5. I’m a huge flirt. I flirt mostly with my friends because I’m the most comfortable around them and flirting is how we communicate. But then when its serious or I get flirting back I get so nervous and clam up. I’m useless

If you could re-live one memory, what would it be?

1. (2. Still) Relay and the after relay. Relay was the best night/morning.

3. One memory I wish I could relive. Disney world. I was sooooo happy. Most magical place on earth fuck relay it was cold and that boy broke my heart. Disney world didn’t break my heart.

4. Walking the stage at my associates graduation. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come but I have two more graduations to look forward to.

5. Probably most recently going to Canobie Lake Park with my chem/dnd friends.

Do you give up easily?

1. no, honestly I don’t give up easily, that doesn’t mean I don’t get scared, and that doesn’t mean I don’t try and find a way out, but in the end I don’t usually give up. And when I do it’s usually the hardest decision I make. I give up on myself much easier than I do on other people.

2. I was talking about my relationship with malcolm here I’m pretty sure. :/ didn’t make much sense.

3. I normally used to give up immediately… I find myself wanting to do it again honestly but I’m just scared. I never gave up on us. I still believed one day we would be together and that now was just not the right time. You were the first person I worked the hardest to keep in my life and you still ended up leaving it.

4. No, I used to. I was very depressed and had such low self esteem. I don’t let things keep me down for long anymore.

3. No, but I really am starting to feel burnt out at school so on a smaller scale like working out every week or solving my homework perfectly. Not on my dreams though.

What is your lucky number?

Do you enjoy doing laundry?

1. No

2. It kills my back.

3. I did seventeen loads of laundry in 2 days to be able to pack it and move up here. Its safe to say I hate laundry after that.

4. Some times. I do it every week now which is more than I ever did before. Hate putting it away mostly.

5. Found the secret to putting away my laundry is calling my mom or Oliver and jabbering at them and suddenly its all put away. So now I love it because I get to talk to loved ones.

Do you like hot or cold showers?

1. Warm

2. dumb question, but i like hot showers. especially with boy.

3. ha live that up while it lasts sister. hot hot hot showers by myself so I don’t ever have to be cold.

4. Hot and with no man to hog the hot.

5. I hate showers with people in like a sexual way. No fun to be had there. No what’s fun is a caring shower where you wash their hair and the part of their back they cant reach.

What is the weather like right now?

1. Hot as hades

2. cold as a penguin fart. so not that cold I guess.

3. laughing because what if farts were cold. It’s delightful and i never want it to end.

4. Cold rainy/snowy

5. It snowed this week but its not face hurting time yet.

What celeb would you want to spend the day with?

1. Paul McCartney

2. future me.

3. Aw sweetie you’re still not famous 4 years later but thanks for the vote of confidence. You played your music in public on a park bench for the first time iin your life so we’re making baby steps. I’d spend the day with Bernie Sanders.

4. Aw 3 years later I played a few open mic nights and am opening for a festival in somerville. More baby steps. Patrick Stewart.

5. Bernie’s running again! Also I am putting out my SECOND album in about 2 weeks which is so cool. Uh. Eh, Lizzo or JVN

What colors would you like to have at your wedding?

1. (2.) I don’t know.

3. Yellow and Green. Spring colors.

4. blues

5. I don’t know but I found out wedding pantsuit exist, like a romper wedding dress and I’m living for them?

What is your favorite color?

Yellow

Do you drink?

1. Not as much as most land dwelling mammals, you see, as I am a camel.

(Alternate answer: I’m a cactus)

2. I’ve had jack in eggnog, which was nasty, and ale, which was alright but still too gross for me to finish. I’m not a drinker.

3. Oh man. Yes. So much. All the time.

4. Occasionally. I try to avoid it as much as possible but i do let loose once in a while. I usually regret it immediately.

5. No! Sober since April 2018. I have my 1 year chip my friend bought me in my fannypack at all times.

Can you see any stars in the sky right now?

1. Sun

2. Don’t know not outside. Probably though, it was a pretty clear day.

3. Still not outside too late to get up and check so no.

4. Nope

5. Yes and a spooky moon with wispy clouds

What are you craving right now?

1. Sanity

2. Something to do.

3. Sleep.

4. Lady cuddles.

5. Honestly a fucking cat. I want to move out for the soul purpose of getting one.

Who were you with when you last saw fireworks?

1. A crowd of people at graduation, but more specifically Marissa Jill and Meagan

2. John. I think.

3. I was with my dad. I had just landed in Boston for a second time with all of my things and we were in the parking garage and fireworks were going of on the harbor so we stood and watched them go off with the cityscape in the back ground. It was a pretty grand welcome home.

4. It’s been too long to remember.

5. The last picture of fireworks I have on my phone is with Dad linda and Allison on a boat in florida where we saw dolphins and watched the fireworks from the gulf. Fun memory. Beaches Do Science.

Do you have any weird things in your room?

1. I used to have a buffalo hat I made from a viking helmet… But now not really anything much is somewhat ‘weird’ save a few sock puppets here or there

2. The suitcase I’m supposed to pack my life in to take with me to massachusettes.

3. Artistic buttplug.

4. New amp, various instruments, shrine to darth vader above little sister’s bed. Plants that are actually alive.

5. clown mask, fake beard, fancy crown, balding stuffed beatles, plants at various stages of dying and two theremin.

What movie did you see in theaters last?

1. black swan

2. The Rise of The Guardians with John and Allison.

3. Trainwreck with Elsa in the lowes (?) theatre on the commons in boston.

4. Star Wars episode VIII with dad and Linda

5. ??? Maybe the queen one. Bohemian Rhapsody.

Who is the last person you hugged older than you?

1. John or my mother

2. John or my mother

3. My dad.

4. Tyler.

5. Oliver <3

Tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?

1. It’s a long story

2. he didn’t think I was weird when I tackled an 8 year old.

3. Oh man I forgot I tackled an 8 year old. I think what really did it for me was how he was there for me in one of the hardest times of my life, and constantly showed how he cared for me.

4. again, barely a crush. She cut her hair all cute and sits next to me when ever she can. We are both nervous and neurotic.

5. God I read into everything way too much? I get smiled at and I fall in love. Butt-touch girl? I don’t know she told me she was gay and is open and friendly and has similar interests? The couple friends who held hands with me while we walked to the girl’s car tonight? which reminded me of my last couple relationship and I’ve had crushes on both of them since we met and the guy is fun to joke around with and the girl is adorable and holds me and scratches my head. Or the long standing never ending crush I have had on my friend, that one? most likely the deep intimate bond we’ve formed for years. The idea of ‘liking’ is so broad a term for me now. I realize all these feelings I have for my friends are ok and no longer feel super ashamed for harboring them like I always have. I just have a lot of love.

What were you doing at 6:00 this morning?

(1.2.3.5.)Sleep

4. waking up for my 8 am organic lab

What was the last reason you cried?

1. Things are really hectic currently, and when that happens I shed a tear or two.

2. I had a dream that john wouldn’t help me because he thought I deserved being hit in the face with a plank and so I called him and started crying.

3. Someone stole money from my wallet after a long day at work so I cried because I was angry. Oh and then I cried because I was high and thought about that episode of pokemon with Charmander.

4. Sad things happened in the episode of Star Trek I was watching.

5. I cry at least once a day recently. This one was because I was thinking about how sad I am and told my friend/ex I don't want to be trans and started crying.

Are you currently looking forward to anything?

1. I would say my birthday, because it’s technically 5 days away, and because currently it’s looking like I don’t have a lot of things to look forward to besides that.

2. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT JOHN AND I WOULD BEGIN DATING ON MY BIRTHDAY! <3 I’m looking forward to moving, it’s going to be a fun change. But I’m really looking forward to staying with john all next summer.

3. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT JOHN AND I WOULD BREAK UP ON/NEAR MY BIRTHDAY 4 YEARS LATER! <3 I’m looking forward to the weekend I’m going to boston to play on the streets some more hopefully for cash this time.

4. I have a ski weekend on spring break with a big city LGBT organization to maine. I have a huge project with the YMCA I’m working on, excited to see how that goes. Excited for my first gig as Stars in Her Eyes.

5. Album release and being done with Grad School applications. And my friend who was in film school offered to do a music video for me which is pretty fuckin choice.

The person you like comes up and kisses you, what would you do?

1. Allow them to kiss me, giggle. I don’t know.

2. I can’t remember if I told John I liked him yet. But yeah I’d kiss him and ask if I can lick his booty then cop a feel probably.

3. Kiss them and tell them I never licked the booty because he wouldn’t let me.

4. Probably nearly pass out. Seriously the thirst is real for this girl she’s so cute ugh.

5. Depends on the person. One of them I’d say took you long enough and scoop them up and run away to the mountains to start a farm. One of them I’d cuddle and kiss on forehead. One I’d panic and tell I am a broken mess of a person and as attractive as I find them and as fun as they seem, I am in a place... right now.

What does your last text say?

1. lol im n real b/c lauren dosnt hav a cell

3. “I’ll be right there” quack

4. “do you wanna make art on friday?” Ty

5. yes and YES - butt touch girl

Its 2am and your phone rings, do you answer it?

1. Yep. If I’m awake.

2. If john will answer the phone for me I will for anyone else. If someone needs me at 2 I'lll be there for them.

3. If i know who it is if not fuck that noise i’m either sleeping or pretending to be asleep.

4. No thank you I have school. You can leave a voice mail.

5. The only people who have called me at 2 am have been drunk. I will answer my phone if people need me, at any time, but if they are drunk and bored they are getting hung up on.

Do you think age matters in a relationship?

1. Little bit

2. I think mental age matters way more than actual age.

3. Anything doesn’t fucking matter as long as it’s two legally aged consenting adults. You do you man.

4. Nah

5. Yes. Honestly. Depending on ages. My last relationship was with someone 3 years younger, and there definitely was a disconnect there. The closer you are to 18 the more it matters, and I read a good take where it isn’t oh you’re both adults. Fuck that. One has been an adult for one month and the other has been an adult for years. Or that time my 22 year old boyfriend was planning a trip with a 17 year old while we were dating. Then age matters in the relationship.

Do you miss the way things used to be?

1. Sometimes definitely. But then I think that tthis would have eventually happened regardless and i'ma horrible person so I start feeling a little bit better

2. a little. there I’m talking about missing when things weren’t so complicated and I didn’t like two boys and one of them didn’t turn my life upside down. Here I’m talking about missing the memories I have with John, if I could relive all of them I would.

3. Ugh. Yes. Exactly answer two. But then again I’m happy with where I am now. With John wee had a handfull of amazing spectacular and special memories happen in 2 to 3 months and we held on to them for 4 years thinking we could be as happy as we were at that time.

4. No, not with how well things are going now and how bright and shiny my future looks. I wouldn’t go back to any point in my life knowing what I know.

5. Absolutely not. I miss the innocence, and I miss the trauma-lessness, but I don't miss anything else. I’ ve been in a terrible place for so long, that medication and sobriety dug me out of and success is too sweet to stop now.

Is the last person you kissed more then 2 years older than you?

1. definitely no

2. no she’s a month younger. (<<4. shit that was the first time Jill and I kissed. In a baseball field in Pensacola. 5. Go blue wahoos)

3. no just one year.

4. No? I don’t think so.

5. Wow kissing, when did I kiss people? I guess it was B. He’s three years younger.

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?

1. yeah which bothers me because kissing in front of other people is silly

2. Michael (5. lmaoooooo)

3. Nah

4. Nope

5. Nope.

Think back to September, were you in a relationship?

1. I think so

2. I was. I love being in a relationship this long that I don’t have to think too hard about how much of the sluttest I was in the past.

3. Yep…. September is next month and I will be again.

4. Nope spent the better part of a year focused on school and work after the abusive boy made me very wary of relationships. Took me long enough to just focus on myself.

5. Nope, we broke up in May. I desperately have needed this time to be single. I’m trauma-filled, gender-fucked, and mentally ill. Good on people being close to me for right now.

[[(2) It’s cool seeing how much I’ve changed. How much happier I am with John.”

(3) Its very interesting seeing how much I’ve learned in the passed 4 years… happiness doesn’t come from the person you are with.

(4) This is already my best year yet I’m so proud of myself building a life around myself instead of the person I’m with

(5) 2018 was a year to love, 2019 has kicked my ass. I’m not letting it do me in though.]]

#personal #personal growth #me

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