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thedankfaerie · 4 years

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i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you.

and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself.

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time.

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive.

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’.

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once!

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately.

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class.

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point.

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore.

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us.

someone please help me.

#help #lol

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thefeckisthis · 4 years

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i’m baack!

nope, you might have hoped that I stopped writing and Im sorry to disappoint you because i didnt. #sorrynotsorry

just havent written for a while, things happened, world shut down and all. now im back with bit of bitching again. and again im not sure how long this will be, and what exactly will i write but i feel like giving out about some stuff and some people, so stick around! first of all, in a way i wonder how antisocial my life is because this staying at home isnt much different than my everyday introvert (people hating) life. im surprised tho, i still work full time, finished dan browns origin that took me over a year to finish (might tell you how interesting it is compared to all his previous ones that I read in under a week). started new book, finished it in a week and a half, started a new one. so book reading is going well, i walk my dog often sometimes for over an hour, almost finished better call saul (great show if you watched breaking bad, explains a lot!), went back to my laptop gaming (sorry ps4 and sorry money i spent on it), btw im playing witcher 2 and sims 4 mostly. spent hours sometimes watching YT. worked out every second day, did online dancing classes, my time was fullfilled. work has been hectic because of some people, then this virus making it bit more hectic, then people making my life hectic, my anxiety was spiking, ya know, usual march in your life. dont ask me how did i manage to do all that

im not actually anxious because about getting virus, im happy to stay home, but things chained up, one after another and i used books and games to keep me occupied :D

things come and go, you just need to know how to control not yourself, but how you react to those things.when times get tough, you need to get tougher!

now lets get to the bitching part.

ha notice the new ‘’keep reading’’ part? stupid of me to not put it sooner.

Im a weird one. i know. ive been told that many times. with that im difficult one as well. just mixture of everything. what im mostly interested in is people and peoples minds, and no, i would never be a sociologist or psychologist as im at the same time really annoyed with people and lack of communication. and you know that most of people are assholes. at the same time im an introvert, and i have social anxiety but i also like to experience new things and go places and do things that involve other people. i dont say im smart or better than anyone, i did experience in multiple situations that many people are not on the same level as me and makes me wonder how did you survive till this point in your life?

take this pandemic for instance. all the panic buyers and people reading and believing everything they see on tv (watch V for Vendetta and it will make you question things). the simple rule is dont go out. and what people do? they go out. like since when do you hike every day? bullshit sit at home and watch tv. if youre smart youll do something useful. kids coughing at people around as part of the challenge, like wtf? how are we still allowed to reproduce as a race? is brain dying out with every single generation? Maybe the world did deserve this virus, survival of the fittest, if you get what i mean.

anyway lets go back to people again. (like i talked about something else). im such a why person and i tend to see through peoples bullshit. i always say that honest communication is best way to avoid bad situations.

and being honest requires some balls, and this year some people have been proving they dont have any. usually i dont believe in second chances, if i do give someone a second chance then there is a good reason. but like when i give someone three opportunities to be honest and the other person keeps on bullshitting and they know i know its not true, thats where i draw a line. its mostly for me to see how far can one person go and treat me in that way. if i do persue that long be sure that i know what youre saying is not true, i just want to know how far can you go. one thing is if people change their minds, ok, i dont mind, let me know. treating me as im stupid thats downright disrespectful and low blow. i keep seeing that thats more reflection of who they are and not who you are and you all should keep that in mind.

as said, im an introvert, i wont text someone first mostly and my close friends know that and dont mind, they dont think i hate them, we’re still friends. my method is mirroring, how you treat me thats how i treat you. if youve ever wondered why i treat you the way i do, step back and think about your own actions.

in these days of modern technology our everyday communication is through mobile phones and the easiest way is to pretend you didnt see something or something like i didnt have my phone with me.

like cmon, it 2020. we both know its bullshit. just stop being an asshole and be honest, grow some balls and tell that person what is actually up. whether its your friend, family, someone youve been talking to - little honesty goes long way and can solve many problems. no one deserves to be treated that way and it only reflects bad on you.

i know its hard, it is way easier to just ignore and pretend it doesnt exsist and hope it goes away, but its not the way. i had situations like that, and being a person who always wants to know why i always want to give people the reason why, either if they ask me or if the situation requires it. i had situations when someone was trying so hard around me and i wasnt feeling the same way but i told them honestly what is up, yeah, some of them stopped talking to me which i completely understand and with some i still talk to this day, some of the even thanked me for being honest.

COMMUNICATION is the key kids, dont be cowards.

#communication #honesty #talk #follow #followme #newpost #bitchin

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kineticwordplay · 3 years

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2020 roundup

its been awhile.

i used to write in here because i felt like i should. but now i dont feel that way anymore. paying homage to the longest kept online journal i have had. i vow to write when my mind is filled. let’s go :

- the 2020 before : i was in my final year in medical school, doing my clerkship, i was tired all the time, and i complained a lot as well. but even through hell and fire you learn what the job entailed really. from knowing to doing and everything in between, it’s a harsh slap of reality and a taste of what the practice of medicine is like.

- the pandemic : started at the eve of March 2020, foreshadowed by small infection news bites by large media conglomerates. we all thought it was just a few weeks off, maybe a month? then it morphed into 3 months, and gradually extending until now. The Philippines has the longest and harshest lockdown here and ever since then, i haven’t stepped foot inside a hospital

- the online graduation: we watched as my batchmates and I saw our faces flashed on a live facebook feed from our university, it sucked honestly. not because it was online because it was haphazardly done. i remember blowing up due to that. we worked 4 years for a measly live, but a grossly unprepared one? i could not permit.

- the workouts: filled with anxiety not knowing what comes next due to the pandemic, i decided to work out. a lot. it became an hour everyday then getting a fitness watch, watching my weight, using myfitnesspal, and daily instagram stories, i got considerable attention for it i even kept a small IG page for awhile. filled my head with much needed endorphins and activity. i wanted the VS Angel body. and i did get it(@rob.triestobefit) . gradually i tapered off to a healthier schedule and less intense. i felt like my bones and joints needed it, and i wanted to enjoy it. so i tried yoga, dance fitness, freeletics, weights, bodyweights, until i finally settled on a routine i actually kept.

- the online internship : with no choice but to continue training, internship online started early August. it was weird and felt like attending a less intense medical school lecture via Zoom. it did give me a chance to study the management better. though i miss the work i used to do and the involvement in patients’ lives i used to have

- the habit building : i read james clear’s Atomic habits and put it to work, stringing along good habits for an average of 66 days. i used my white board and made 66 boxes, i accounted for my progress in a discord server, and after that it was meditation. then duolingo ( though i fell off the wagon with this one). it was a very fruitful endeavor and a great read. right now im stringing in journaling before sleeping, right after reading stoicisim again. tracked my progress through journaling in Notion.

- the books i read: atomic habits, the daily stoic, the marshmallow test, the next door millionaire (current read!), Meditations + fiction, these books spoke to me. i felt like i was rebuilding myself after time i spent in medical school. i learned to make peace with my life and my emotions, to build a wealth mindset, and how to start and maintain a habit. in hindsight these were the most fruitful things i have always wanted to do. and im glad i did

-the studying : i decided to prepare for the board exams and maybe gun for a good board rating as well. my schedule of studying took the spotlight for these and i must admit they did help a lot during my internship. but i keep falling off, getting bouts of activity and laziness in the middle of it all. i joined a study discord and it did help me maintain some focus and i met new friends who were productivity minded. i must admit i havent done much in this area.

re-reading this small entry i feel like, “hey, thats not bad? considering how long you’re still stuck at home”. maybe it wasnt so bad for me.

and maybe ill write here more frequently? even its just for myself now.

#2020 #productivity #medical school #meditation #atomic habits

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suchalonelysunflower · 4 years

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#tw: covid #i am so upset right now #i havent seen my best friend since december and with the pandemic going on ive sen her less #and finally today was going to be the day that we were going to hang out #before uni starts again and she has to go back to work. we took all procedures carefully and we were safe to hang out for a few hours #i miss her so much. she wouldve been the first person i saw after lockdown in march #however. some stupid and careless girl from her work didnt use a mask and she was showing covid signs #and she still went to work even though they told her to stay at home #and now my friend cant come because she might be infected #thats so scary #i havent seen her in almost a year and i might never see her again because of some careless girl #while covid cases are been treated. my country doesnt have enough supplies for everyone. so you cant eliminate the idea of death there #and i miss her so so much. we had everything planned and dont get me wrong. im glad she decided to be responsible and stay at home even tho #its not her fault. but i was so happy to see her and now...#i cant even process this the right way. im frustrated and angry and sad and worried sick #shes the only friend i got. been my friend since primary school. i lost so much already i cant lose her too #im scared #please. for the love of everything thats good. wear a mask

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sausages-n-chicken · 4 years

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I miss my lads :/

#personal #ive seen one of my friends a couple times during this pandemic #only because she works from home and ive been home unemployed #my other friend I havent interacted with hardly at all since march #i dont feel safe traveling to see him though unfortunately #i miss people that i dont even talk to ngl #there are so many people i want to talk to but just dont lol

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baekwin · 3 years

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No worries about being absent because of the elections! It was definitely a huge madness — in my house too since there are apparent political divisions so I was like ahhhh haha I hope everything is better now :DI only like Twitter because everything gets updated so fast ;_; I’m trying to move away from it but where else can I find news so fast? But I just want EXO updates haha And not everything else LOL (1/?)

I love teaching and sometimes I know it’s not me but it can be super frustrating, especially during this time (because sometimes parents are not very… helpful). I hope you can find a better job or maybe just take the time to relax. It sounded like your job was very stressful! I had to google to see what a Biomedical engineer did and wow! Especially during this time, you would be an essential worker (I guess technically so am I? But I’m lucky to be able to see teach from home, but 2nd sem) (2/?)

i think i’m gonna try something new and respond per paragraph this time, idk why i didn’t think of this before kjsdhfjs anyway yeah election madness! my house was keeping sane only because of the nevada memes LMAO there were some real gems in there. even though i don’t even have twitter, i was just creeping on there the whole couple weeks because yeah it just updated so fast!!

hmm yeah i’m sure it’s been very frustrating. i’m sure you’ve had to navigate the transition to remote learning and that must have been hard and i’m proud of you for it!! 🥰 i know you already know about my new job so i don’t need to update you (thank you for checking in on me btw!!!! so sweet 🥺)

(3/?) we’ll see ;_; then I’ll have to go back to CA for sure and away from my family) and then mix it with not so good things from coworkers, it could be very toxic too! To answer your question, I’ve been living in WA due to the pandemic but technically, I’m supposed to be in CA because work-wise haha I have family in CA but more like cousins and aunts… while my intermediate moved up to WA with my older brother/kids and my mom right before the pandemic. I can’t imagine being without them during this time.

oh okay gotcha, hence the kind of back and forth. that’s nice that you still have extended family out in CA though! yeah i’ve been living at my parents’ place for a couple months, will be moving back to start work. i agree though, the one good thing is being with family during this time - it has honestly been really nice to be here because I was alone in my apartment for 7 months and so it’s nice to wake up and have someone else there and just people to talk to throughout the day. also it’s literally been 9.5 months since my roommate and I both lived in our apartment together (she went to her parents place march-october and came back when i left for mine) so i hope it won’t be too weird of an adjustment for either of us LOL

(4/?) So far the glasses are working! I think I was still adjusting and did get a headache or two but sometimes with teaching, I get them. Too many decisions at once haha (But it’s super cold here, I’m dying a bit lol My brother came down with me to SD before school started again and he was all “IT’S TOO HOT” hahaha) Ahh! Yes! When NU’EST, VIXX and even BAP came for the first KCON, I was like oh!!! How nice!

I’m glad the glasses have been working!! meanwhile i’ve just been watching a lot of tv in my time off lately so i might need a real eye exam soon and i hope i havent developed a prescription >< hahaha san diego is probably too hot compared to washington, he’s right!! i live near the bay so it’s moderate all year which is nice.

(5/?) Because of course I heard of them but never really listened. I wasn’t even that into EXO haha I was transitioning from other groups but I had knew all the songs so I was like yay! What is love! I had liked Soo for the same reason you liked Baek! But nowadays, I say I don’t have a bias, but I think it’s really become Baek… sorry Yixing ;_; I love the boy but his music style isn’t really what I like while Baek’s songs, pretty much are ^^;

yes i really got into a lot of new artists after that kcon!! of course it was short lived, because college started a year and a half later and i immediately got too busy to keep uo with anything lol. and omg i can’t believe what is love did the same thing to both of us, exo has really had power since day 1 ;; hehe who’s to say you can’t have multiple biases for different reasons?! literally that’s all exo does, sucker us all into different members all the time. i don’t blame you one bit lmao

(6/?) I love EXO-royalty concept! Every time I think we’d get it, we don’t. But definitely love all the performances with them wearing outfits close to it! Haha I agree. LMR was pretty “cutesy” compared to other ones but not like Power. What did you think about Jongin’s teasers so far! I had the timing off and was just putting my phone away for something when it came on and I was like WHAT!? I had it in my head that was going to be tomorrow morning at 7am but it was Wednesday at 7pm lol But yay!

yeah those awards shows outfits keep me going in the meantime lmao. i really hope they do royalty after all the military service is over....they really are the kings of kpop let’s be honest. OMGGGGGG don’t even get me started on jongin right now he is the only man!!!! the only one!!! literally i don’t think i listened to a single other song for 48 hours after the album dropped lmao. what’s your favorite track?! and which was your favorite out of the film? my favorite is definitely reason, and i think my fave video was nothing on me (which is also my second fav track) but literally everything is good. i’m so proud of him and happy for him, he deserves all the success!!

:(((( I think tumblr ate #7

(8/8) And then I’m super excited with Baekhyun’s Japanese album! I ordered all the versions ^^; but yay for preorder so it’s not charged… yet lol Do you have a favorite one so far? We didn’t get much but the covers and small behind the scenes of shooting it haha I tried to make this short, but I think I talk to much! Sorry about that! I hope you great day! I got my Photoshop working so I’m going to see what I can do to start making for you :D Oh! Happy thanksgiving… if you do it XD - ss anon 🤶

omg all the versions! they’re so cute, i bet they’ll have some nice photocards and stuff in there! i don’t think i have a favorite one, i just thought the bubble gum one was adorable hehe. omg yay for getting photoshop working, i’m excited!! I think i’ll be happy no matter what you make me, i love having a secret santa! speaking of, i need to get going on my gift for my person lmao i think i got a little too ambitious but we’ll see 😅happy (late) thanksgiving to you too! my family doesn’t really do much but we made some mini pumpkin pies which i’m still snacking on lmao anyway have a good night (or day, whenever you see this) 💕

#anon #ask #ss anon 🤶🏻

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vinegarcoffin · 4 years

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hi folks. im coming back to this account. a lot of things happened.

this february i ran away from my family’s home to live w/ Sunn (my bf). we were hoping his landlord would let me live there since im his partner and shed previous allowed couples to live there but unfortunately after a week where i was staying there she decided she didnt want me there bc she was very strict about zoning laws and didnt tell anyone abt this beforehand so i was effectively homeless.

i stayed with my friend Earth for abt half a month during which time the landlord was “””deliberating””” whether or not she’d actually let me live there. Sunn and i were sure she’d say yes (she’d indicated such herself) but she decided to spring it on us that, due to laws she never elaborated upon, it was literally illegal for me to live there even though i was his partner and shed allowed partners to stay there before. (i feel i should make it clear that he was living in a separate part of her house that she rented out to people so the laws probably had smth to do with how many people were allowed to live in one house. i still never found out what exactly those laws were and she never elaborated.)

i always had a roof over my head (many times staying illegally w/Sunn and being very sure that his landlord never saw me) but i changed places of residence i think three times during that span of time. it’s very hard to keep count. i was staying (illegally) with three other people (they were aware of my presence and let me stay with them, i just wasnt allowed to) when quarantine happened.

even though I wasnt living with Sunn at that time, i was still able to see him bc my housemates understood the situation and were okay with us breaking quarantine for that reason (we were all rly conscientious abt social distancing and hand-washing and cleaning and that kind of thing), and since i cant drive, i needed someone else to buy my groceries for me, so Sunn would take me on grocery trips with me. and since he had a v small fridge and i didnt have a lot of space for food at the place i was staying, we had to make grocery trips rather often. after going grocery shopping we’d spend some time at either my place or his (ostensibly to put away groceries, really bc we wanted to be around each other because we were both losing our goddamn minds and being around each other was the only thing that gave us any idea where our minds even were.)

i made another unofficial move after that and then right when i was going to graduate, i moved into what was going to be my official long-term place of residence with another roommate. i didnt get to see Sunn very much during this time and i honestly hated it a lot. the roommate was kind of an unstable person and he didn’t take the pandemic very seriously, which rly scared me, but he was never violent or anything so we just stayed out of each others ways.

during that time i impulsively threw away my benzodiazepines bc i was scared i wouldn’t be able to get my therapist to write me another prescription (this was when healthcare was still closed). withdrawals were shit and i honestly wanted to return to this blog during that time but i’d forgotten the email associated with it (whoops) and couldn’t log in. (i’ve since remembered the email hence why im here.) i stopped self harming the same day too, more or less bc my boyfriend told me to stop. that was really hard bc it was one of my few sources of pleasure and i had barely anything else i enjoyed. Sunn introduced me to 100 gecs during this time and i listened to their album 1000 gecs pretty much every day, sometimes multiple times in a row. i didnt get to sleep til 5 AM most nights bc of withdrawals and insomnia resulting therefrom.

in May i finally got to start HRT (i was supposed to in March but the doctors at the LGBT center i had gone to to make my appointment decided not to let me because covid). i’ve been on it for three months now.

i relapsed after a month or so after realizing i was not a functional human when i was sober and i didnt like who i was when i was sober. fortunately by then i’d had a phone meeting with my psychiatrist and she was able to give me another script for klonopin. by that point Sunn had moved into the apartment with me (the agreement was that he’d do so after graduating - we were both graduating that year - the only reason he waited was bc he couldn’t handle moving and his school workload at the same time, which was understandable). he didn’t like that i was relapsing and i disliked it even more but we both understood why i did it and i havent tried to get clean since then and i probably never will.

we were more or less stable and more or less happy for like two months until our roommate - we’d all agreed we’d live there together for at least a year - decided to move in with his partner and left us with absolutely nothing in the way of help w/finding another roommate or anything and no apology at all.

we tried finding a new roommate and got some promising leads until our roommate dropped on us that he had signed a thirty-day notice for the lease to end and unless we were able to give proof of income (which we hadn’t been required to before but were suddenly required to now ig), we’d have to leave. he told us this ten days after he’d done it. he’d done that w/o our knowledge or consent. we weren’t able to make that happen so we looked into other housing but couldn’t find anything before the day we had to be out.

fortunately Earth and their family were willing to let us stay with them again (they’d recently bought a trailer that they were going to keep in the backyard and rent out to anyone they knew who wanted or needed to stay there). the trailer was sort of a disaster; we had no running water (only bc the water wasn’t working, they didn’t keep us in those conditions on purpose) and the AC died during a historically bad heatwave. the place we had been looking into moving into with a REALLY cool roommate we found that said we would probably get to live there turned us down bc although Sunn had found a job by that point and both the prospective roommate and I both have SSI (we’re both disabled) we didn’t make QUITE enough money for them.

we finally found a place and we moved into it yesterday. we have a roommate whose name is Izzy. they’re very stable and i don’t think they’re going to do anything awful. i’m afraid of them but that’s just bc i’m afraid of just about everyone i don’t know too well. Sunn’s at work three days of the week (he works from home two of the weekdays and he gets weekends off) and i’m here to cope with the isolation and also reblog trauma stuff that i don’t feel comfortable reblogging on my main blog. i think that’s all i have to say.

#vinegar.txt #sorry it's long #self harm mention /#drugs mention /#relapse mention /#idk how else to tag...it hasnt been a good year for me.#it hasnt been a good year for anyone but i've had some extra stuff piled onto it that i dont think most people have had

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nestleeds · 4 years

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Being pregnant during the Covid-19 pandemic. Real life story.

Corona virus and social distancing. Well there's something I definitely never thought i'd have to think about in pregnancy!

I'm Anna, one of the NEST mental health ambassadors. I write to you from my kitchen table at home where I shall be stationed for the foreseeable future. Im 18 weeks pregnant and signed off from my day job to work from home. It's been quite a crazy week, I thought it might be good to write some of this stuff down as I suppose my experiences will be very relevant for some people reading this, plus I want to take the opportunity to record what is going on right now as no doubt it will be a significant historical event and I want to remember how I felt.

I think its useful to give a little bit of my background here as it feels quite relevant - bear with me; My first birth didnt go to plan, my baby girl was in a breech position and despite feeling determined to wait things out as long as possible and have a natural birth, i was feeling more and more under pressure from the hospital to book a planned c section in. I decided to try an ECV (manually turning the baby) to take the pressure off and be left alone. A lot of things happened during those 2 hours I was in the appointment, but in a nutshell, baby's heart rate was erratic and they decided not to even attempt the ECV and instead decided on an emergency c - section. So with no warning, no preparation, no labour, hospital bag and almost no baby daddy, I was handed my little girl 30 minutes later in theatre, in complete shock. It was an incredibly traumatic experience and a few months later I was told by my GP i had PTSD. I had EMDR therapy around a year after the birth, which was really successful and for the past 18 months my life has been relatively back to normal - as normal as it can be with a toddler. And then I fell pregnant again late last year. So up until this Monday, i was feeling really quite calm and relaxed about the whole thing Corona situation. I was determined not to freak out and increase my anxiety. Which has been bubbling away gently since i found out i was pregnant again. There have been so many triggers bringing up memories of my first birth, hospital appointments, midwife appointments, going through my first birth again and again with various different people. BUT I WAS OK - holding it together.

And then we had the 'breaking' news delivered last Monday night by the Prime Minister, and I found out I had been moved into the 'vulnerable category' along with the most at risk people, the over 70s, those with serious underlying conditions, the people who could die from this virus. Now I couldn't stop the freak out. I sat glued to the TV screen as my phone started to light up with concerned messages from friends and family. My phone pretty much didnt stop then, right through until the following evening, people sending news links, articles, their concerns, advice, etc etc. I went into work as normal on Tuesday, mostly because I didn’t know what else to do - I felt overwhelmingly like I shouldn’t have been there but with no clear direction from anywhere I think I was just on automatic pilot. I cried in the car on the way into work.

For the whole of Tuesday at work I felt numb, like things werent really real, some of my work colleagues were equally affected, some in tears, some outraged at the lack of clarity from anyone, some insistent I shouldnt be there and I should be at home, my phone continuing to ping away... I havent felt anxiety like that in such a long time so I was incredibly relieved when I was sent home to work from home on Wednesday.

Working my way through the actual mountain of information online was so stressful, but I finally settled on 2 sources which seemed sensible and credible, but interestingly, in my perception of their message, they felt quite conflicting. The first was the government advice given on Monday 16th - which had initially made me feel so worried, and the second, the RCOG official guidelines which came out just after the government advice. After digesting both, I sort of merged them together in my mind to produce a more balanced view - im a Libran you see.

The government announcement felt scary, being placed in that vulnerable category was a shock, however the RCOG report is quite reassuring in that it states, (with what is currently known) 'Generally, pregnant women do not appear to be more severely unwell than the general population if they develop coronavirus'. SO - The Government is taking protective measures at the moment, which is actually fine - great in fact! and I am reassured that all the evidence currently points towards there being no known increased risk for me. As I am currently WELL and my family and I are not showing any symptoms of the virus - I have been advised to continue to attend all my antenatal appointments as planned, as these are essential and attendance currently outweighs the risk. For anyone else wondering about their own appointments, I strongly advise you to check with your local providers too though, just in case things change, as they seem to be doing a lot at the moment. So an air calm (if I dare say that) has returned today, i've started to try and take a bit more responsibility for my own mental health, i've been using some guided meditation from YouTube before bed, for the past week or so which has helped massively with falling asleep - which is when im most vulnerable to my anxiety taking hold. Ive also sought out some local online EFT sessions - Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping - so cool, and im getting stuck into my online hypnobirthing course. All stuff that I can do myself from home!

I plan to write more as things progress so watch this space. Would love to hear from any mums or dads in a similar position to me, its so important - now more than ever - to bring people together and share our experiences - although obviously following the stringent social distancing protocol in the process. Of course.

Stay safe out there!

Anna RCOG link:https://www.rcog.org.uk/en/guidelines-research-services/guidelines/coronavirus-pregnancy/covid-19-virus-infection-and-pregnancy/ Boris Johnsons announcement on 16th March:https://www.gov.uk/government/speeches/pm-statement-on-coronavirus-16-march-2020 Government guidance on protecting vulnerable groups:https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/covid-19-guidance-on-social-distancing-and-for-vulnerable-people/guidance-on-social-distancing-for-everyone-in-the-uk-and-protecting-older-people-and-vulnerable-adults

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orbemnews · 3 years

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Staten Island Couple Says Tenants Who Have not Paid Hire Since Could 2019 Cannot Be Kicked Out Due To Eviction Moratorium NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) — A Staten Island couple is coping with an eviction moratorium nightmare. Their tenants allegedly haven’t paid lease in a yr and a half, however they will’t kick them out, regardless of lavish events and neighbors’ complaints. Instagram video reveals a home celebration full with a purple carpet resulting in the entrance door. Inside, there’s dancing and karaoke. In one other video, Christmas presents are piled excessive. Renters of the 5,000 sq. foot house seem like residing a lavish way of life, however their landlord says they haven’t paid lease in 18 months and may’t evict them. “It’s insulting to my household,” landlord Michael Mesheriakov informed CBS2’s Natalie Duddridge. “I don’t see any rational particular person can wrap their brains aroudn how can this household get away with a lot for thus lengthy.” CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC Michael and Irina Mesheriakov purchased the home on Edgegrove Avenue on Staten Island in 2007. To save cash whereas Irina went to medical faculty, they moved into his mother and father’ house in 2018 and rented out their home for $4,500 a month to couple Nicodemus Miller and Kim Demetro. The landlords say Miller and Demetro paid lease for eight months then all of a sudden stopped in Could of 2019. Neighbors began to complain about noise and rubbish. The Mesheriakovs have one other unrelated tenant residing within the basement suite within the house who pays her lease on time. “I’ve been right here for 3 and a half years, and just about from the second they got here, simply, issues began occurring. I imply, my mail disappears,” the tenant, who didn’t need to be recognized, stated. “Additionally they have loud events. One among them began at, like, 3 o’clock within the morning.” The landlords filed an eviction discover with the housing courtroom, and rigidity escalated. In a single confrontation, Miller claimed the home was his, telling Michael Mesheriakov, “Get out of my home.” RELATED STORY: Gov. Cuomo Indicators COVID Reduction Invoice For Renters And Property Homeowners The courtroom took months to course of the eviction, and in that point, the tenants stalled, submitting for chapter regardless of persevering with to submit a big way of life. Then the pandemic hit, and in March, the state banned evictions because of financial fallout from the coronavirus. “We had warrants for the tenants’ eviction manner earlier than the pandemic began. We’ve confirmed in courtroom that they’re not experiencing hardship. We’ve proof that they’re not following any social guidelines or tips, however but,” Michael Mesheriakov stated. “They’re protected by legislation,” Irina Mesheriakov stated. Underneath the present legislation, tenants can signal a type saying they’re experiencing hardship because of COVID-19 and they’re shielded from eviction till Could 1, 2021. Authorized consultants say it’s too straightforward for people who find themselves financially secure to take benefit and never pay lease. “Welcome to my nightmare as a result of I see this tens of hundreds of occasions,” landlord/tenant legal professional Robert Rosenblatt stated. “It’s a fragile stability. If you defend the tenants, you damage the landlords.” RELATED STORY: New York Extends Ban On Evictions Till 2021, Gov. Cuomo Pronounces To this point, the Mesheriakovs are out $80,000 in lease owed, to not point out payments and repairs. All through this complete ordeal, Irina completed faculty and is a entrance line physician, taking care of COVID sufferers. She simply needs her house again. CBS2 Information went with the couple to attempt to speak to the tenants. Somebody got here to the door however wouldn’t reply. As an alternative, they referred to as police, claiming the landlords had been harrassing them. The Mesheriakovs at the moment are submitting their fourth eviction movement in courtroom, hoping there’s an exception to the state’s guidelines, which they are saying are being abused. As soon as the tenants came upon we had been reporting this story, a authorized consultant stated they might return the keys by the top of January. MORE FROM CBS NEW YORK Supply hyperlink #couple #due #eviction #evictionmoratorium #evictionmoratoriumnewyork #evictionmoratoriumnyc #evictionmoratoriumnycenddate #evictionmoratoriumnycextended #havent #Island #kicked #localtv #Moratorium #Paid #Rent #Staten #tenants

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