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the-heaminator · 2 years

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Day 5 Pruk week, Family/first kiss:

This is what inspired me to write one of my fics "but muum", but i havent gotten around to writing up to it yet, this will be added as a chapter later, but i think you should probably read the fic first to get a vague gist of what the fuck is going on, but this could perhaps be read as a standalone.

@prukweek

Both Arthur and Gilbert, to say the least, were a fucking adorable pair, everyone in the family and most out of it agreed.

And right now, in Arthur's incredibly tired state, and Gilbert in an emboldened one from his chat with Matthew, they were both in the same bed, as usual.

To anybody else two men sleeping in a bed together and cuddling was kinda gay, and it was kinda gay just the two had managed to put off admitting it for far too long and just about everyone was incredibly done with their shit.

Even fucking Ireland and Belgium who both had their little thing going in between them were done with their shit.

Being a man of both far too many and far too inhibitions, Arthur had decided to not sleep for about 3 nights straight, and aside from looking absolutely more undead than usual, sleep deprivation tends to make him more clingy, though only to people he trusts, otherwise. He becomes a whole other universe if grouchy, snapping at everyone and everything.

The rest if the family had managed to covince Arthur to lay the fuck down, and by convince i mean that Ireland and New zealand threatened to kill both him and Alfred with a spoon to get them to sleep, and in instead of risking a slow painful death from brain damage, they decided to actually go the fuck to sleep.

Matt had given Gilbert an encouraging thumbs up, Zee had given him a high and wished him luck, India gave him a look that said "teenagers" as if he wasn't nearly a thousand, well that was about a quarter of India's age.

Anyways Australia asked Gilbert to promise him, that if this worked he would treat Arthur well or he would be dead, and this was said with such honesty and actual familial love, that Gilbert swore on his own life, wondering how Arthur had managed to be blessed with such amazing children.

The British isles gave a similar sort of threat, but with concern for both, Dylan saying "I know he's a bastard, but he is very bad when it comes to matters of the heart, so please be gentle with him please."

Spoken like a true older brother, speaking for his entire emotionally constipated brood.

Denmark gave him a rather interesting text that detailed far too many things about the Englishmans sex life that seemed to be written by France, why Denmark had the text was beyond him, also leaving him with a couple words of "encouragement", Denmark warned that if Arthur murdered him, he wont be paying for his funeral.

Gilbert knew this was the jest of a close friend, he was not dim enough to take it seriously, but as he apprehensively walked up the stairs and down the corridor to Arthur's room, he started to have second thoughts.

I mean I could always wait a few more days.

Or years.

Or centuries.

The thought of waiting much longer was so utterly miserable to Gilbert's mind that his psyche went.

Nah fuck it.

And allowed him to walk into the room where Arthur was decidedly not sleeping, somehow still awake enough to be tapping away at his laptop, though slower than usual, Gilbert approached him.

"Arthur, you really should sleep?" That was not what he wanted to come out at that moment but for once Gilbert did not have a plan and was (as some would say) going with the flow.

And currently the flow was about as smooth as the Volga in midwinter, which was to say that it was barely flowing at all, but when Arthur didn't move from his chair, Gilbert had to try a more imaginative approach.

"Come lay down, we can cuddle?" That sounded to fucking cheesy to Gilbert and Arthur looked at him, a little wistfully if he would say so himself, though it could very much just be a trick of the light.

"What makes it look like i *yawn* want to cuddle?" Arthur was speaking a bit too quick to be normal, great he was jacked up on caffeine too.

"Well, you're always cuddling me when you do sleep, and you look absolutely adorable." Ooh bit too direct, I hope he doesn't think in an ass or something.

"You're an ass Gilbert, you know that."

WHAT DID I SAY, I KNEW HE WOULD SAY THAT.

Gil thought he fucked up good as Arthur's eyes travelled from him to the computer, back and forth as if to decide which would be more profitable for him, and to buy Arthur's and Gilbert's surprise, Arthur chose Gilbert.

Tips of his ears far too red Arthur grumbled "Don't get any ideas, I'm just tired." Before getting into bed and mentioning for Gilbert to join him after switching off his laptop, on some tab about trade reports and governmental deficits that seemed so frightfully boring.

The room now cloaked in darkness, and the house being unnaturally silent, even as everyone was awake, the two lay down on the bed together, as if they'd been doing this for centuries.

Which I mean they had but this time it felt a bit different.

Arthur on Gilbert's arm, a bit too close for Gilbert not to think that maybe Arthur actually did love him back, Gilbert's hand slowly going through Arthur's birds nest looking hair, slowly smoothing it out to some semblance of cleanliness before Gilbert, in an odd moment if courage, gave Arthur a chaste kiss on the forehead while both were still awake.

Usually if either ever did a kiss they were drunk or the other was asleep, but now both were very much within consciousness and lucidity.

Gilbert braced himself to get an earful from Arthur, perhaps him even getting out of bed in a huff, but none of that happened, instead Arthur seemed to be mentioning to kiss him again.

WHAT THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKED WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK.

He repeated the kiss, this time it lasted a little longer, lingering for a second or two on Arthur's forehead, and if this wasn't such an odd situation Gilbert would have laughed at how the kiss immediately eased the tension within both of their bodies, but this was just too surreal to even be actually happening, and was miles away from Gilbert or Arthur being able to think full cohesive thoughts.

Finally, through a silence that could not be considered awkward, yet not considered incredibly comfortable either, one of them, Arthur, rasped "Gilbert...Gilbert why did you do that?" He sounded far more disbelieving than angry, yet Gilbert still thought he managed to mess something up.

"Shit shit shit, I'm sorry Arthur, really!"

Arthur looked at him, dead in the eye even in the dim light of the room, and seeing the actual fear and misery in his eyes, and the fluttering of his heart in his own chest, Arthur replied with "Why ever so?"

"I-I kissed you, are you not mad?"

"Why would I be Gilbert."

The room descended into silence again, this time loaded with tension and anticipation, which was shattered, rather brutally if I may add, by Arthur saying "Plus that was barely a kiss, let me show you how it's done."

With a surprising amount of agility from someone so sleep deprived, Arthur crashed his lips to Gilbert's, whose mind took a little longer to catch up with what his body was doing, too busy being distracted by this to respond immediately, god this felt so goodboth both their bodies so close together as they kissed.

But when he finally pushed back, he was not expecting such fervent from Arthur, he was even nipping Gilbert's lips as he deepened the kiss far beyond anywhere Gilbert had ever gone younger exploring Gilbert's slack mouth.

The poor soul had had around 3 romantic kisses in his life and was not prepared for this at all, Arthur tasted like coffee and tea with the vaguest taste of old cigarettes

Finally separating, both breathing hard, Gilbert whispered, a garbled mix of English and German "that was amazing."

Arthur looked both very embarrassed and incredibly relieved, one would after waiting so long and having it all come down like this was incredibly satisfying for the both of them.

Arthur slid off Gilbert, tucking himself back in the blanket as if nothing happened, as Gilbert's mind raced at a million miles an hour. Which started to exceed the speed of light as Arthur snuggled up close to him and fell asleep almost immediately, after mumbling, so quietly that Gilbert could barely hear it.

"I love you."

#Prukweek2022 #Yes they're gay and stupid #Hws England #Hws Prussia #Pruk

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thetotalfailure · 4 years

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ok i dont feel like randomly bursting into tears ruminating on how stupid i am anymore

but i dont know if thats because ive had coffee and its 3am

which is another problem in of itself

my next counseling appointment isnt for another few weeks

but the first one feels like the dam broke

but it couldve been because of my intense hormone imbalance

but ive felt completely paralyzed

overwhelmed

i havent done anything all week and thats because i end up feeling like i want to cry instead of working so i go do something else which makes it worse

classic. there’s many articles about that online. fascinating. couldnt read them through the tears. why did i even try. i already know what i need to do.

but knowing and doing are two different concepts. ideas. actions.

i havent acted on any thought i have. good and bad. nothing

i dont know what to do at this point

i know venting isnt very productive because then i just end up getting stuck on the negative. and i dont want to shove the negative onto someone else. it helps no one.

its hard being nice to myself.

getting a proper diagnosis would get me on the path to not being like this

taking the steps to get such a thing is. i have so many other things i need to do.

i keep putting everything off.

the cycle

im trying but im not trying but i am trying but its really more like thinking about trying

how do i ask for help

i dont want any help. with doing things that is. i do want help. but not help to get to the help. which is ridiculous of me and why im stuck here not tearing up about it.

i wish i wasnt like this. but wishing isnt doing. i just need. to. do. something.

they told me to just sit down and stare at what im supposed to do for only a scheduled time. schedules. right.

i even failed that. instead of just staring at what im supposed to be doing, i would do other things instead. i couldnt even not do what i wasnt supposed to do. ugh.

be nice to myself? how do i do that.

just turn something crappy in

i know that. i cant even get myself to do that. i cant even crap out the work. and now its late. i dont want to turn in crappy late work. but i know its better than nothing. but now im stuck in this stupid loop about it

its so fucking stupid. i cant use my own advice for myself. be nice to yourself. just turn in something crappy who cares. lower your expectations. dont care about what other people think.

i dont. but i do. but i dont. but i really do.

i know what im capable of and i want others to know to

my standards for myself are high so i should lower them

but i dont want to seem low to other people

but i will seem low to people if i dont do anything. which is happening because my standards are high and now i have anxiety procrastination

so i should not care what others think and lower my standards for myself and turn in something crappy

oh my god why am i not doing this

and now im upset about me not doing something even after logicking everything out

so annoyed and upset and frustrated with myself

i dont think counseling will work but i know its a step in the right direction and maybe ill take the next step into making an appointment with someone else to get me more help because its probably just a chemical imbalance that would be fixed with medication but the complex system to get to that point takes up so much energy that i barely even have any emotional or mental energy to do what i need to do in the present time to get to step 50 and i know what im supposed to do is to break everything up into smaller pieces and delegation is a good step in the right direction but i dont want any help from anyone which is frustrating because there’s nothing wrong with getting help and i really feel like im losing it and i might just drop out of life and just. leave the state or something, not literally leave life. i wouldnt go that far. something silly like live on a farm.

a decade ago i learned about a lot of psych concepts. rumination. ideas around self fulfilling prophecies and setting oneself up for failure. the big d word.

although. a decade ago i had a vague unspoken idea about myself then. one i wouldve never allowed to fully voice itself even in my mind. which kind of doesnt make sense but i cant be poetic at the moment. just that. perhaps i wouldn’t exist in a decade.

i guess in a way, the me of the past truly doesn’t exist

but im still here. i exist. i have to deal with what i didnt do a decade ago. which is get help in some way dont get me wrong it isnt making myself not exist.

it feels kind of awful. a decade of this nonsense with myself. a dance with high standards and letting myself fail from fear of failure. its a dark step in adulthood that i hope many don’t have to experience. the step of realizing that the future exists and i have to plan to exist in it.

i think ive seen posts like that on this hell site. not having made plans for the future because they didnt expect to make it past a certain age, yet here they are.

it wasnt that . well. i guess in a way it is. i don’t know what i expected. but i certainly didnt plan anything for the future. it was anxiety about it. maybe i spoke about it in a previous entry.

i hated. well. that might be a little too strong of a word. i disliked my so in hs because all they thought about was the future. their plans for it. their dreams. the little white fence with the 2.5 children and whatnot. i disliked thinking about the future. i enjoyed talking about Dreams for the future. oh lets live together with friends and who will be the DD and who will be the funny roommate and sitcom style adulthood with everyone graduating and having jobs and enjoying life. thats not a semi solid plan for a future. just a dream. something silly friends talk about. nothing serious. why think about what lies in the future when someone didnt really expect to. exist? im not sure what it was i thought. just my vague aspirations.

wherever the wind takes me.

i still think like that. but i suppose i have a more solid plan/idea for what i want

but its hard. its been easier these days for the dark thoughts to creep back into my brain. easier in the sense that they’ve just taken over completely. why did i think i could do this or that when its easier to just lay in bed all day with the blinds shut and blankets blocking reality from sight. why bother when ive already set myself up to fail. i knew i didnt have to do this. why did i do this. i could just work my way up from the bottom and secure a job thats just barely above minimum wage. but i dont even believe i could do that. everything is so much energy. im even writing this instead of writing what im supposed to be working on. why am i like this

i dont want to talk to anyone else about this because. i already know its not productive the way i think so it would just come out the same nonproductive way. ill drop a thought here and there. but not the full struggle. why tell someone when i can tell a professional and yet i dont even tell the damn professional.

but be nicer to myself

its hard. its hard on my and myself and im hard on me and myself. another horrible cycle.

im tired of all of this. and i dont like being treated as fragile i guess.

theyve been texting me the past few days with messages of affection and affirmations. its nice but. it just feels empty to me. which is frustrating. i know its just the bad side of my brain telling me to ruin it all completely. i dont know how to voice it without hurting anyone. i want to wait for my next appointment because i know its just my brain being illogical

but everything costs energy. i just simply feel like a time bomb. or maybe ive already gone off and im more like a candle thats burning out

i feel like im burning out

or that im already at the end and im just a whisper of smoke

i know that everyone can be compassionate or understanding and maybe accommodating, but im afraid ill only be met with sternness and a loss of respect somehow. like im just making excuses. especially because its not like im diagnosed officially or anything. i know im not the only one. but it feels like im the only one. and what if i am the only one. i dont want to be singled out

i dont want to be treated differently. maybe understanding. but. not differently. not negatively.

they. i dont want them to stop but i dont even understand what i want instead, so i dont want to stop them. in a way it shows they care because they do care but. it feels shallow. i dont know what i want from them at all. which is probably why i want to press the self destruct button and ruin it for both of us. but thats unfair to them and thats unfair to me. so i should just talk to them about it. effective communication.

back to step one i suppose. i need the energy to do. anything. anything at all. god d

be nice to myself. that’s hard.

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