#i havent had a brain for the past couple of weeks

[novagrippia]

.

#my brain is being a little stupid right now #the past couple of weeks i have Not been in a good place mentally #i havent been brushing my teeth as much i havent been able to get out of bed on time i just lie there doing nothing like i used to #had a panic attack for the first time in like a year and ive been feeling so irritable and anxious recently #like damn brain dont be depressed youre so sexy aha #and im like. no i am Not going to be depressed again i am not going there again #ive been doing so well! ive been exercising and taking my meds and ive even been meditating and doing yoga and shit #i joined a club i started volunteering my work is going well #there is no. reason. for my brain to start being like heyyyy you hate yourself and everyone else should also hate you #like actually no thsts not true i quite like myself! and I'm enjoying where im at even if its a little stressful sometimes #and im doing so well mentally #and like it was just a panic attack it doesnt mean that all the progress ive made is gone #but combined with the everything else im just like. worried im slipping backwards

[swervdcity-arc]

hi hii i love you all. just wanted to drop an activity/life update on the dash since ive been almost radio silent. by no means do you have to read all of it, but just know i might not be online for a bit until i get my shit together! if inactivity bothers u at all, feel free to hardblock me if you so desire. tw for drug abuse, substance abuse, self harm.

ive struggled with substance abuse problems for a big part of my life, almost ALWAYS exacerbated by anxiety and my chronic stomach problems. i was clean from painkillers for almost 8 months (give or take) and i relapsed this week. i talked with my partner about it and weve already discussed plans of action, but so far, ive been good for the past 4 days so thats a winnnn.

i can already feel a MASSIVE difference in my body since. i've been trying my best to keep myself healthy these past couple of days, and at the least feel like a living person, and its really fucking difficult. i dont have a lot going on for me rn, so theres not much i can do to distract myself. i did hang out with one of my long time besties last night and had a blast, so that was really really awesome.

i have a support system, i'm safe, and i know from here its back to the uphill battle. it can feel really really bleak, and its honestly been incredibly embarrassing to even acknowledge a relapse or that i had a problem in the first place. but im really grateful that i'm truly in a place and surrounded by people who care for me and want to see me get better.

if ive been super silent lately, this is why. i try to tend to me relationships the best i can, because i do care for them truly, and i love chatting with my tumblr besties. ive just been exhausted and havent had the capacity to even say "heyyy im going thru it im going dark for a bit." but please know im not ghosting you or anything, i just havent had the brain power to say whats going on.

i will be here though! soon! when i feel better and capable of doing so! i wont lie, i LOVE writing here even though it kicks my ass sometimes. its become such an important creative outlet for me, and despite the Problems, i feel safe and happy in my community. i love writing with yall, i love the people with make up and making them kiss, i love reading and writing lore. its really important to be as a hobby, so you definitely will see me back.

i might pop on the dash every now and then to say hi and yell about stuff, i might draft sum shit up soon, but im going to be prioritizing getting my shit together for the time being.

xoxo godsip girl

#tw: drug abuse #tw: drug mention #tw: substance abuse #if theres anything else i need to tag please let me know #ooc

[mugiwara--ya]

heyyy hi a little life/med update !!

ive been super super busy these past couple weeks w a ton of socialization etc and ngl i think i burned myself out lol last night after we got back home from a con (and the bar stop after it) i had a massive shutdown that lasted hours and im still reeling from it, but ANYWAYS!! med update med update wooo

so! on top of the lifesaving bupropion ive been taking all year & the eszopiclone for sleep i finally !! got put on something for my ocd, lets give it up for fluoxetine to join my beautiful, beautiful cocktail, mwah 💖💝💗💕💞💓

i know it supposedly takes a few weeks to fully Work but im already feeling a MASSIVE difference right off the bat, like yesterday i was at the mall and i ✨ touched the escalator's handrail ✨ i was literally so excited i kept looking at my hand going yoooooo im DOING it im making it HAPPEN like even my friends congratulated me on it kdsfjhakjg it felt silly but massive at the same time lol and of course i still immediately disinfected my hands but the important thing is that I Did It

and idk its like!!! i knew it was BAD like especially these past few months its been just. VIOLENTLY out of control but god the absolute relief ive been feeling is making me feel like i was still grossly underestimating it, it had completely taken over my life. right now its like, i encounter any random trigger and i brace myself for the anxiety spiral to come and then it DOESN'T and its so ??? like i still have The Thought but then i just go "ok" and dismiss it like an annoying notification and thats IT, while the last time i was on therapy i literally described my ocd as having hundreds of those cymbal-banging monkey toys of different sizes just sitting there in my brain Waiting and every single time i got triggered one of them would start losing its absolute shit - for example if im at the supermarket, on top of the everything about existing as an autistic person at the supermarket, thered be like a dozen of them constantly going ALERT ALERT CONTAMINATION CONTAMINATION EEK EEK DANGER DANGER BANG BANG BANG- and now the monkeys r GONE. get turned into mostly-dismissable phone notifs, idiots !!!!!!!!!

the only monkey im willingly keeping!!!!! is the low poly 3d model of monkey d. luffy constantly rotating in my brain <3 kfngskjdfs

also like i still do like, say, my cleaning rituals when i get back home, but idk i just. i feel Normal about it?? like calmly wiping my phone bc phones r Gross and not bc i literally see a green film of Germs And Various Pathogens enveloping it lol. anddd i havent been attacked by violent intrusive thoughts in a minute !! lets see if it stays that way. im generally super sensitive to medications too so im on low doses of everything and i wanna keep it like that lol so heres to hoping it keeps goin like this so i dont have to up my dose 8)

uhh thats about it ! having a bit of Personal Issues tm at the moment tho but im so relieved abt my ocd i kinda have the bandwidth to deal with them lol. i prolly jus need some sleep quiet and to not be perceived by anyone for a solid week.

in other lighter and unrelated news my queue is completely empty rn so it'll be just a liiiittle quiet around here for a bit but ! yeah. also i just watched the latest op anime episode and urhgrhghrghrgh it was so good hhh <3333 so yah if you read this whole thing i am giving you a little kiss on the forehead, mwah, hope you have a great week !!

#a lie. this turned into a long ass post lmfao #tw ocd #sol.txt

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Hey so. its been a while. I havent had a lot of energy these past few weeks and when I did I didnt really wanna spend that energy on this bad book series, but its the weekend and its been wayyyy too long and I need to finish ACOMAF before shit starts falling out of my sieve of a brain. As always, I am motivating myself with the prospect of contuining to work on a proshot of the takarazuka production elisabeth after this, the 2014 flower troupe one specifically ^-^ or maybe I'll watch a fucked up black and white movie from the 20s thats two and a half hours long, we'll see

Today we're reading chapter 53, the precursor to The most infamous chapter 54. Im not gonna lie, I kinda forgot most of what happened last time. There was a mate reveal, Rhysand was being really pathetic which made him hot to me for the first time in about 600 pages of me knowing him, Feyre was super pissed so they sent her to the mountain cabin to cool off a bit and paint, i think thats it

is it just me or is it kinda weird that Feyre is fantasizing about green grass and flowers and flowing rivers when the NC so far has been defined by being a very wintery place. Like yeah, obviously they have seasons in the solar courts but like, theres a lot of mountains which means a lot of snow, its the most nothern court etc

And Feyre didnt like winter in the first book because she associated it with bad times at the cabin so that makes sense but idk. I feel like if youre retconning her so much already you could easily wrie something about how she actually likes winter now that she has the power to withstand it or something but no, sure, have her fantasize about very spring-y weather in the book where the spring court gets demonized to hell and back why not

'[Rhysand] would give me the money for my shop, for what I was offering would cost nothing. Maybe I would sell my paintings to pay him back the money. Because I wanted to do that under any corcumstance, soulmates or not.' I was gonna write something snarky about Feyre in ACOSF but then it hit me that shes never going to have financial independance from Rhysand ever again and now Im just sad and anxious for her

(sry, im too lazy to translate this whole paragraph rn) '[Rhysand and I would do a bunch of fun stuff that couples do.] Never again someones slave or whore.' Its so wild to me that shes saying all this about the guy who made her his slave and whore MULTIPLE TIMES AT THIS POINT. like hey sarah, do you think your readers dont remember all that? do you think constantly calling back to it will make them forget somehow

Ive seen some people describe this book as gaslighting and honestly, its not even that its just lying. this story is just a bunch of lies that keep contradicting or otherwise disturbing eachother because the person telling it isnt even a good liar

Okayyyyy this chapter was a lot shorter than anticipated can you tell i dont plan these out at all but i dont feel like doing more than this and also while I was reading i got a really good idea for an Anastasia AU for a different fandom im in and I keep getting distracted and I wanna start working on it as soon as possible. And also, I'd like to be focused when I finally read that most infamous of chapters, thank you and good afternoon

#flames and darkness liveblog #anti acomaf #anti sjm

[mojavepumpkin]

2/21/24

11:00

i just deleted instagram. i want to get off of the internet. i want to use my time for something that makes me happier. i just am unsure if i am able to. i wish that i wrote here more in the past couple of days, but recently i've felt drained - i havent been busy - i just FEEL drained. today was... interesting? saw H. went well. but ive had a serious case of dread concerning the upcoming return to school. i do not anticipate it. im failing public speaking; and theres little i can do to fix that. i pulled my math grade up, im proud of myself. yesterday felt like a good day at work.

this whole president's day break has been weird. spent all of it in dahlonega. visited colleges (UGA n UNG), went on a hike - which i enjoyed. the UGA tour thoroughly impressed me, sucks that i wont be able to go probably. UNG was extremely underwhelming.

i wish i got to spend more of that break with myself instead of fulfilling other peoples prerogatives - oh well. i need to schedule the SAT. i have work tomorrow. i have a weird condition (rash?). its on my arm, its not a visible rash, feels like a burn, very tender to the touch. i put some liquid benadryl on it, i woke up with it. i also have an ulcer, but last week i had three, so i cant complain. reminds me of a john prine lyric. listened to jason isbell recently - "southeastern" - new favorite album of all time. full stop. period.

i dont feel like i really got anything out of me, which is usually how i feel when i write these. brain is still just as crowded as before.

#blog #post #r196 #196 #girlblogging

[rosebury-archives]

CalmWriMo Log November 29th - 24 Hours Remain

okay. okay here we go. update for today:

i've been writing- good enough. a little bit every day. since my last update, I actually caught up to my goal a LOT. i've mostly been at 1-2k words a day the past week which I'm happy with! i hope this can become a habit even if i don't have a monthly goal set. chapter 16 has been finished a couple of days ago, and chapter 17 has JUST been completed, with 9.8k words, which is a LOT more than i had expected. i feel like a lot of that could probably be cut down, or not! a little bit of filler here and there is alright ive been drawing a bit too lately, i'm working on very simply profiles of the main five because i havent drawn most of the characters only a single time so far. it's going good it's going well! i've been reading a lot more, i've been sleeping a little more, and overall the weather is making my brain overflow with various juices, so I'm having a good time!

only one day remains, so let's see what my goals for tomorrow are:

get those 30k. come on. the last stretch. i have maybe 2-3k left and i wanna try to power through. get as far as i can with chapter 18, which i'm intending to be very short anyways. if i can, i'd like to start editing chapter 14 so i can post it on friday as soon as i can get home from work. i do want a big conclusion post for this entire month, but i'll probably work on that on friday/saturday instead!

#calmwrimo #calmwrimo 2023 #nanowrimo #nanowrimo 2023

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

I had a dream last night. That. Me and some other people were maybe ghost hunters ? I dont fully remember. And there was a big mansion house that we had to investigate bc the previous ghost hunters whod went inside hadnt been seen in weeks, and nobody even saw them leave. So like, me and my team of Vague Dream People That Were An Amalgamation Of People From Irl And People From Fiction went in and yknow it was a normal fuckin ghost house thing there were some spooks n scares but all in all just normal rlly. And then we found the group from before us and were like what the hell man how r u guys alive and they were like dudr tf wdym and we were like dudes its been weeks u dont have that kinda food ans they were like errr ur like mixing us up w someone else weve only been here an hour or 2 so then we were like. Ok what. And then left the house w that group who fucked off to go do their own thing bc my brain couldnt handle keeping track of a group over 4 people. But like when we left some ppl were like holy fuck ur alive. And we were like. Yea. Its only been like. 20 or 30 minutes. And they were like nah man its been days. And then i was like. Man r u serious that sucks ive wasted days of july what the fuck i love summer i dont wanna waste it man what the hell and like yeah i kinda ignored how. This house was like Magic Ooooo Time Moves Differently Inside bc i was too upset id gone from the 17th to the 20th. And then i was like suddenly in my grandmas attic and lookin out the window and it was like. It was like the attic wad attached to the rest of the scenes like a sorta. Set almost yknow. So like i chilled in my grandmas attic and then i knew i had to go to school? So i just left her attic through the fourth wall and went to the set of the big mansion and went in there for like 5 minutes and came out and id skipped school but accidentallt skipped too far and it was like late night. But ye i figured this house could b used 2 my advantage but probably also could fuck some things up. Bc i hadnt figured out the exact like time exchange that it was. Bc my brain hadnt come up w it solidly yet so like a couple hours meant a couple weeks and half an hour meant a couple days and 5 minutes meant like 12 hours but also sometimes a full day but also sometimes less. But yea idk i played around w that thing until is skipped like a week and then realised id missed my friends birthday which was apparently the day before the one i was at. So i Left the Set and walked home and went to my primary school bc apparently all my friends were there even tho we all went 2 different primary schools and i found my friend id missed the birthday of and i gave her a cat that materialized out of thin air and then turns out all my friends had their cats with them so we like. Pet a lot of cats outside this primary school. And then it was like. I was on the fuckin set of jrweek yknow the second one they had w the like boat thing. And i wasnjust fucking lookin at them but apparently they were recorsing like a 3 hour long episodr and it was episode like 140 or smth. But they were just recreating what id done the rest of the dream and i tried to ask them what the fuck was going on n why was i there but it was like i eas fuckin invisible or some shit n they just ignored me. And then they kept mentioning genloss like ober and iver and over and insinuating that charlie was the only one of them that WASNT in genloss and i was like. Erm. Okay. What. And they only THEN seemed to notice me and were like dude what the fuck ur being so cringe right now like literally stop it go watch our patreon nerd snd i was like. Dudes i already am subbed 2 ur patreon. And they were like. But u havent finished pd yet u fucking pussy and i was like ok this is just uncalled 4 and then i woke up to big bin truck outside bc id left my windoe open and it was loud as FUCK anyways ir was a weird dream and one of the only times over the past few days ive felt neutral abt my dream in comparison to irl. Anyways. Goodbye

#day thoughts

[bearsgrove]

like i Have been feeling Really bad this week but now for the past couple of hours i just started feeling progressively more and more awful for no real reason. or like obviously i guess many Many reasons but it’s like. understandable that i feel bad because of XYZ but why worse. like i was already at the rock bottom lol why did my brain started digging.

idk. i really really miss playing with friends. i have played with them like. twice probably in the past two weeks. and today i finally felt like i had time but... i knew it the moment i woke up i still wouldn’t be able to hang out with them just because of how awful and angry i feel. and yeah true enough it was afternoon i finally got home and i felt so fucking tired and angry i was like no i can’t hang out with people. Again. but then my friend messaged me if i want to hang out and on one hand i was like no like i can’t because i know i don’t feel at my best and i wont be able to be as funny as usual but on the other hand i thought 1) i miss him so much and i miss my friends and i miss playing with people and 2) well if it’s just him i’ll be fine i won’t feel like i’m too quiet or not funny enough. so i was like ok you know what i need this i’ll join but then other ppl started joining, as they do, and eventually there was a whole group of us and while i just said that i missed them and hanging out with them i also just like. am not always in the perfect state to hang out with many people. as much as i like it i can’t always,, idk, fully enjoy it. so it Is bothering me that i wasn’t really in the right state to be with people and so i was too quiet and not funny enough and now i feel bad because. idk. i’m sad hanging out with them didn’t make me feel better. as it usually does! it does lift up my mood! but now i just feel bad because i feel like i underperformed and i will get a bad grade in hanging out with friends. which is a normal thought process obviously.

anyway i just needed to throw my thoughts somewhere. i can’t do anything else rn but think and feel miserable so i might as well write it down. might do something. might not. we’ll see.

i just. i miss my friends so much. it’s not like they disappeared but i feel like i did because i haven’t been myself for a while and i feel horrible interacting with people when i can’t be fun and chill. when i’m just. bad miserable vibes. so i don’t hang out with them i don’t talk to them. and i just wait and wait and wait for this to pass so i can talk to people like normal again and it doesnt. it doesnt fucking pass. and fast forward months later i feel awful i feel alone. and its not like i havent talked to Anyone At All, obviously i still do talk to ppl but. i just dont feel good. i want to be myself again.

but then i think. ok What is “myself”. because i think it’s time to admit and accept that this Is myself. this Is how i am. and it’s horrible but it is what it is i guess. it’s not passing. it’s not going anywhere because this is how it is.

#fern.txt

[ddontyyoukknow]

a wave

I hadn't realized just how many self improvement challenges i embark myself on until now! I was reading over a letter i was writing to my 30 year old self that is comprise of 3 entrees and in all of them i am doing a challenge and in the first two i didn't actually finish them like i actually gave up of them but i feel like during every attempt at a challenge that i do, rather than getting my entire life together i learn one thing at a time and piece it together little by little and thats whats gotten me to the point where i am rn. i must not fret if i am not completing the challenges as a whole, and i must take it for what its worth, adjust and continue. I am at a point of acceptance and gratitude and appreciation. I am fixated on going on lavish vacations and having a fabulous life. i want to go to japan and hawaii and france and i want to have a walt disney world vacation and i want to live in nyc and i want all my money ( a-lot of it) to come from my art. is that too much to ask. I think i am morphing into that person slowly and i think in this transformation the journey matters more than a transformation bc it will be me doing so many 180's. I have already changed so much in the past couple of months. I have garnered more and more maturity and so much patience and love for myself that my broken relationship with hard work and cleaning has started to heal in big ways- something like this is not accounted for in past challenges ive done and is very telling of why it didn't work out- I am still riding the high of cleaning up and flossing and showering and doing my chemical peel and shaving the other night! god did that feel good. I was feeling so horrible and i still got stuff done. thats something i havent expressed in these terms before but i sometimes feel so bad in my body when my mind is ok and wants to get up to do things and the number one thing i feel it could be rn is the whole way that my brain is structured into victim mode and how it expects everything to go awry. literally everything. i have felt this so deeply that i use to live in constant panic and learning about how untrue it is has been magical. little by little i come into power of myself and i learn that things are not scary or impossible. more and more i step forward to do things i once found scary and more and more i learn that there is nothings i cant do. which then brings me back to the mindset of wanting to start a challenge. its definitely a way for my brain to feel like its taking control of my life and its outcomes by telling it this is exactly what the next 3 months will look like when i know at this point that my spirit will take me on a joyride and will show me and give me wonderful things that i didnt even know i wanted. but yet the challenge will give me some structure to base my days on and at least for the first couple of days while its still fresh it should offer some excitement. i will say as well before talking about this challenge that i have a therapist/ doctor/gym/dentist/lawyer for the first time now! i got a teeth cleaning, a checkup, bloodwork, help with nutrition and i go to therapy every week. just having someone to listen to me has been so healing and nice. another highlight of my life right now has bee finding a community art studio where cool artist hang out to create, they meet every Wednesday. there is also aztec dance class every thursday i really want to go to, and i just went to the art institute with teddy it was so inspirational, i 2 weeks ago got to see the strokes!! and in about a month im going to see ESTERHICKS! when i found out she would be in town i almost had an existential crisis at work. teddys bday is in a couple weeks and idk what he wants to do. there must be something in the star rn. apparently for those of us that pluto in capricorn affected, the waves are leaving us and the astrological new year has happened and everything that we want and everything that we have worked hard for will start to come to us and our lives will 180 this year. its just in the stars. let me see...

[maddyrps]

they took away Twitter circles so now I have to come here to vent again

my anxiety has been so bad these past few weeks to the point that I had my very first panic attack (yay!) a friend of mine from high school ended up coming into work a couple days later and we ended up talking about anxiety and how she had a panic attack so bad earlier that week that she ended up going to the ER, which is exactly how I felt. (I ended up going to the doctor the day after mine bc I wasn’t trying to rack up that ER bill) she ended up recommending this place about 45 minutes away from us where she goes for therapy and it’s a mental health clinic

ended up finding out later that my coworker had to go there to get her ADHD testing done

so while I’m thinking about making an appointment or getting a referral or just SOMETHING. i had my boss’s mom do reiki on me. it was good. she said my mom was watching over me and that made me cry a lot.

fast forward to this week, i went to go vote on tuesday but since i havent changed my address yet, my polling place is still based off my old address. so i went to go vote before work and i had the smart idea to drive by the ruins of my house in the way back. big mistake. huge. everything on my old road has changed. trees have been cut down to make room for new people building houses. the school on that road got a new sign. it was just weird and overwhelming. but at that point i was fine. i think because I was going to work and being distracted.

then later that night, before i got ready to go to bed, my heart rate increased again like it did the first time. i tried not to freak out as much as i did the first time because it made things worse before. i was terrified to go to sleep like the first time and i just tried to do my breathing exercises to calm down. i did find that placing a cold bath cloth on my eyes and face did help a bit. so I ended up barely getting any sleep. which caused me to ask my boss if her mom could do reiki on me again. and she did.

while anxiety isn’t NEW to me, the panic attacks are. i’m lucky that my anxiety has never been this bad up until now. but now it’s bc of the trauma of losing everything i’ve ever owned in my entire life. and it sucks. and brains suck. and trauma sucks. and maybe i just want to live life normally for like 5 seconds!!!!!!

#anxiety tw #panic attack tw

[substanceuser971]

made the connection between my addictive tendencies and my attachment issues both stemming partly from a feeling of wanting to recreate initial happy memories. it feels like other people are able to move on with their lives easier than im able to. people seem to n=be able to move on from me as soon as i stop being interesting and novel to them, while im stuck wanting to keep replaying what we had when we started, and it plays out the same way with drugs, trying to recreate that same way i felt those first few times i got drunk or high. it feels like i keep trying to create a tiny little time loop that i can live in forever instead of accepting when things arent as good as they used to be. and one feeds into the other too, people have left me for struggling with substance dependence and i depend on booze and weed to cope with feeling abandoned. its a really vicious cycle

ive been doing pretty okay with staying sober lately, but its mostly because i cant afford to stock back up on weed and the only alcohol i have is beer which isnt kosher for passover. today my landlord and his friend came over to do some renovations and they shared a joint with me, and it felt great to finally get high again but i also feel like it sent my brain right back into the mindset of needing to get high daily and keep it in my system. another part of why i get intoxicated so much is because i get fucking horrifically bored and understimulated, and weed and booze are the easiest way to stave off the feeling, so lately ive been trying to put my energy into hobbies and find other ways to stay stimulated as replacement behaviors for using. its been effective and its been a great feeling to be more productive and have more mental capacity to do things i enjoy. but after smoking this afternoon, once i came down from the high, i felt more bored than i have in a good while. the experience makes me think that maybe pot in particular causes me to be dependent on it to fight off boredom, and the lack of boredom it temporarily provides me makes anything i do while sober feel more boring by comparison.

honestly, i dont have faith right now that ill be able to refrain from buying more weed as soon as my paycheck comes in. my finances really arent great, but i have a slight buffer from my upcoming tax return covering my rent for may, and its way too easy for me to just take a bus downtown and hit up one of the many many dispensaries we have here. i can try to put it off for as long as possible, but itll only take a quick moment of my self control faltering enough for me to end up on the bus and then ill come home with enough flower to last me at least a couple weeks. sunk cost fallacy, if ive already bought the bus pass ill feel guilty if i just change my mind and go right back home. maybe if that happens, i can try replacing a dispensary trip with a bit of wandering downtown, check out the shops i havent gotten to see yet and maybe buy myself a cheap trinket or two, or a little snack. i think that would be a good idea, and it would most likely be cheaper without making me feel like i wasted money on the bus pass. i might try to do that if i end up on my way to a dispensary. but really, i dont know if i have the self control to keep from restocking my stash even with that backup plan in place, because its just so fucking easy to get my hands on it as long as i have the money to pay for it, and its so tempting because it feels so good to get high that i end up disregarding the consequences until they hit me.

it feels better waking up in the morning when i fell asleep sober. in the past couple weeks, when ive barely gotten high or drunk, its been a lot less of a pain getting out of bed in the morning, and i always feel groggier on the mornings after using. its uncomfortable and i dont like how hard it is to wake up. on the other hand though, my insomnia has been a lot harder to control since ive had to cut back on weed. it was far from fixed even when i was getting high nightly, but it at least kept my brain fro buzzing so much that i couldnt relax. lately i keep staying awake for like 30 hours at a time even though i get delirious staying awake that long. even right now i just feel exhausted and i want to sleep, but i have too much going on in my brain thats demanding i stay awake and Do Things despite being too sleep deprived to actually do much of anything effectively. im pretty sure i have some kind of sleep disorder, because ive struggled with insomnia and fucked up sleep patterns for years, but i also kind of think cutting back on cannabis could be exacerbating it. the joint from earlier got left with me, and we all only took a couple hits, so ive still got like half a joint left and its tempting to smoke a little more. i think the main things stopping me are the fact that my body feels too exhausted to get out of bed, and the fear of rekindling my dependence on it only to have to go without weed for a few more days.

[wondermentishere]

i feel like experiences im having at work are metaphors for my discovery of self right now. so i work at amazon, right? yeah yeah, i know, i work for the devil lol. im not happy to be here but its slowly giving me some stability to get myself together. i work at an xl location that has smaller routes but bigger packages than usual. this experience has been so interesting to me because of how intimate its required me to be with men. keep in mind that i havent been this surrounded by and close to men since my childhood. ive been a helper of drivers for the last 3 months and this position has allowed me to see how men work in partnerships, how strong and organized they are, what they think on a daily basis, and how they are treated by others. im pleasantly surprised at the simplicity of their minds and how they be chilling for the most part. there are things & people i take issue with, but ive been pretty successful at managing myself and navigating relationships in ways i see fit. also, im comfortable with certain aspects of how men are treated, but i cant ignore the abuse they fail to confront either. (ill make a separate post about this eventually)

ive come to realize that ive been quietly comparing myself to my coworkers because of my new found gender identity. realizing i may be a man has thrust me into an abyss of curiosity and im dedicated to studying them harder than ever before. ive come to realize that im really not all that different. we’re all individuals, of course, but my demeanor and patterns align with them pretty well. as a helper i felt like i was taking a backseat and allowing other people to control how my workday went. i withdrew and was often on my phone, not really engaged with reality, which started to take a toll on me. in a way, i feel like thats how presenting as a girl feels for me. i cant help to have an dissociative attitude when im in this form and its clear im not fulfilling my full potential. i can feel myself playing a role instead of being who i am in this position. the day i decided i wanted more money and was ready to take on responsibility, i felt a light switch in my brain. now that im a driver and in control i feel so much less sluggish and… i guess submissive to forces around me. i call the shots and i have no problem being assertive and engaged. im pretty good at this role and my manager often echoes how sufficient i am compared to my peers (men) i work with. im sorry but… theres something about being told im better than a man that makes me smile. deep down inside im not interested in being compared to anyone, but im happy to know that i can hold my own.

this is how i know transitioning will feel for me. of course women are not “helpers” or submissive people by nature, but this is just how i feel being defaulted into this identity. i feel pathetic, dishonest, and disempowered. i am not a woman and i need to stand in that so i can get the most out of life. my soul is prepared to deal with whatever comes after or because my declaration. i just feel so ready and confident for life. this is who i am. a dream i had a couple days ago confirmed the peace transitioning & presenting masculine would bring to me. for the past couple of weeks ive just been stumped on imagining myself on t. its been discouraging me a little bit because i cant picture me transformed. in the dream realm i was introduced to this almost bald person wearing red with the *most* gentle spirit ive ever met. never have i ever felt so calm in the presence of another human being. i asked questions and they answered swiftly and with ease. i woke up and realized that that was me. my heart was warmed instantly and i cant shake the feeling i felt around that figure. they were an absolutely beautiful person and i no longer fear what i will come to look like on t. its just great! lately ive been exposed to more of the health risks testosterone causes and had to, for the first time, think seriously on the reality of me ever becoming a parent. ive come to the conclusion that ill do whatever is necessary to upkeep my transition and if i never have kids i am okay with it (even though i love children).

#diary #trans journey