#i highly doubt anybody reads these tags lol

[kindestegg]

random question, but id love to hear any headcanons you've got regarding the Collector species! i know you have a lot to say about Colly, but what about the others? 👀

hmmmm bites down on this ask n shakes my head aorund like its my beloved toy YES YES YES!! thank u for asking.. i WAS JUST talking to my besties about this

(oops this got long... i promise i only wanted to say this in a very informal manner without much thought... ooops)

from the way the lore book is written, i'd like to infer that the collectors as a species highly value acquiring and mantaining knowledge, i sort of view them as very pompous, scholarly-like, they view themselves as above other creatures and therefore have decided the best way to spend their unusually long lifespan and use their insanely overpowered magic is to brave every corner of the universe (and dimensions, if the peeking book pages are anything to go by) to find new creatures to observe and study. collecting is the purpose they have chosen to give themselves, hence the species name.

the way that the archives seems to contain a large supply of books, along with the fact the book collector read seems ancient but fairly well preserved, and the fact collector himself is pretty intelligent when it comes to knowledge about spells and magic (considering he was able to prepare the draining spell for belos and claimed to have "taught (him) magic stronger than anybody's"), i think they definitely pride themselves in collecting knowledge as much as they do collecting creatures. "to preserve, to observe". in a natural manifestation, collectors would typically not just collect but observe the anatomy of these creatures, likely making notes on it. its like if biologists didnt just tag and release the animals they grabbed to study but instead instantly taxidemied them, or at least put them in a zoo for no good reason. but what im trying to get at is that theyre huge snooty nerds who study biology in suuuper unethical ways.

i also like to think that the archive house collector made is reminiscent of the same structures collectors in general would have, it makes sense hed try to mimic what he knows n has seen n its structure definitely looks pretty alien n also with a name like "the archive" it makes me think he pulled it straight out of the archives collectors would keep back in their home. im willing to bet a "collection room" was also a thing in said original archives collector is copying. i also doubt he is reading ALL those books and they seem like they contain info not from the isles so he definitely materialized those like he did that ancient lorebook, and it makes me think he just did that because he knows any good archive needs to have books.

on the whole part about "if they meddle in our affairs we fucking blow everything up lol", it seems, super brutal and overall an incredibly exaggerated reaction to have and counterproductive to preserving things and it makes me think that because they already see themselves as so self important and naturally powerful, they believe anything that dares defies them must not be worthy. collector culture i imagine is one of supremacy and high disregard for other living things. they see everything else that exists as something to just be conquered, to be observed, to be experimented with. if it tries to escape this fate, they will reign down their fury. in a way, it reminds me of how some religious figures are said to react with fury and extreme punishments if their authority is questioned. it also makes me think of how imperialistic powers react whenever their rule is met with resistance. also just plain old alien stories about abducting random people and animals to study them lol

moving onto something a little lighter, it fascinates me that collectors seem to have a concept of family. judging by how our collectors family is shown next to him, its likely that young collectors are made to accompany their parents on trips to visiting new worlds to observe and collect from from a young age, brought along to experience what it is like and told to follow whatever the adults are doing. like a fucked up "bring your own kid to work" type of deal. and if my theory with the elders is correct, then that also indicates they have higher hierarchical beings that watch over the general affairs of collector families, and help decide when a young one is ready to be assigned to go collect from a planet on their own. which tells us they DO have a hierarchy with figures of power calling the shots and ALSO that collectors start training from a young age and already can begin collecting on a planet of "their very own" (so to speak, we know they shouldnt own the planets but its how the species views the relationship).

collectors also?? maybe dont need to eat??? i know colly was joking when he asked king what mortals eat but it makes me think there is some truth to the fact that although colly knows what mortals eat and was messing with king, he STILL wouldnt eat in normal circumstances. which like, okay, but then they also sleep? so it makes me wonder if they acquire energy through other means (for example, plants photosynthetize, so i wonder if they absorb light around them or something) or if they simply are born with a certain quantity of energy they can use in their lifetime, and that will eventually dwindle once they grow older, yknow, like stars do! maybe the younger a collector is, the more powerful they are, yet when they near the end of their very long life, they have barely any power left. that could also explain why they are introduced to collecting from such a young age.

but like, they also sleep? collector seemed like he was genuinely sleepy and actually sleeping soundly in multiple shots?? so they still conserve energy in some way, even if they arent putting in more energy in their bodies. its possible sleep is important to them because it helps them keep track of time and also marks a break from periods of activity, letting them keep their supply of energy also for longer. to collector society, maybe sleep is really valued because it ensures they will live their long lives as long as possible. again, would also explain why his outfit looks like pajamas- maybe collectors are always wearing soft comfortable clothing that allows them to sleep in it as well as move around in it because to them being able to sleep at any time is valued.

i cant think of anything more at this current moment... but maybe ill think of something else later on!! might also compile these in a more eloquent post if people are interested lmao

#Commander's answers #sorry i was telling myself i wasnt gonna wrtie much #but then i blinked blacked out n then i woke up with a page written out

[averykedavra]

Are We There Yet

Hey look it’s losleep that might be *knocks on wood* actually somewhat short? I’m doing these prompts way out of order because I’ve accepted that I won’t finish them so I’m just doing the ones that call my name.

(Tagging @tsshipmonth2020! You can find this fic on Ao3 here.)

Prompt: The temperature of your chest gets hotter when you are closer to your soulmate and colder when you move further away.


Pairing: QPR Losleep.

Words: 6856

Warnings: self-deprecation, food mention, arson mention, death mention, sleep deprivation, minor injury, swearing, hypothermia kind of, and this whole thing could be read as a metaphor for touch starvation

Remy is not clingy.

Okay? Okay.

He doesn’t need anybody. Sure, it’s nice when Logan holds his hand, pretty cool when Logan kisses his cheek, but if no? Remy’s fine with that. He made it like twenty-something years without the boi, after all. Besides, physical affection is ew. He only puts up with it ‘cause Logan likes it.

And if sometimes he flops into Logan’s lap and whines about work until Logan plays with his hair, that’s to annoy his babe. Not because he likes it.

And if he always sticks close to Logan? It’s because Logan drives the cold away.

Which is also not a problem. Remy likes being cold. He’s a frozen dream-come-true, a cool and collected boi, a chill and fabulous being. He’s got his jacket if things get too bad.

Besides, again, he made it twenty years without warmth.

(Twenty pretty fucking terrible years, if he’s honest, but just because he’s half-delirious sometimes from the feeling of being warm doesn’t mean he needs to be desperate about it.)

He’s not desperate. He’s not clingy. He does what he wants and his stupid partner doesn’t control him.

Remy’s not clingy, and Logan’s going away this week, and it’s fine.

“I’ll be back soon,” Logan promises for the fifth time. “You can call me if you need anything, and there’s extra groceries in the fridge, and the keys are by the door--”

“Babe, I’ll be fine.” Remy rolls his eyes. “Tbh, I think you’re more nervous about this than I am.”

“I’m not nervous,” Logan argues, although the way his eyes flicker around says otherwise. “Remember to turn off the stove, and--”

“Darling.” Remy gives Logan a kiss on the nose and enjoys the way Logan flushes and wrinkles his nose. One year of being partners and Logan still stammers under affection. Clearly, Remy needs to give him more.

(It’s just for the reaction, though. It’d be fine if Logan didn’t want kisses. Remy wouldn't sulk.)

“Starlight,” Remy says, placing another kiss on Logan’s cheek for good measure, “my good bitch, I’m capable of managing one week without burning the house down.”

“I know, I know.” Logan gives him a small smile. “I’m just--I wish you could come with me.”

“Plane tickets are fucking expensive,” Remy says, “and I’d rather go broke buying espresso than flying in some tin death trap, ‘kay? Go do your conference thing. It’ll be fine--I’ll hold down the fort.”

Logan frowns. “What fort?”

“Expression, honey.” Remy gives Logan one more kiss because he can’t help himself (but he’ll be fine without these for a week, of course.) “Good luck, show those assholes what you’re made of.”

“They’re hardly assholes.” Logan touches his forehead to Remy’s and Remy does his best not to melt in the warmth. “You’ll really be okay without me?”

“Of course,” Remy says, grinning. “My life will go on without you. I’m not that clingy.”

Something flashes over Logan’s face, but it’s gone before Remy can parse it. Logan gives him a final kiss and grabs his suitcases, pulling on a blazer that makes him look fucking stunning, in Remy’s opinion. Goddammit. Logan’s wasting his hella fine looks on some conference assholes when he could be here with Remy, sipping coffee and making fun of every episode of Gilmore Girls.

Well. What the hell does Remy care? He really does get that Logan needs to go to that conference, since Mr. Serious Professor is the only real income-giver in the household. Remy’s just a layabout who pays meager rent only on months when the coffee shop doesn’t fully fail.

He has no idea why Logan chose Remy, of all people, because he figured professor-types ought to stick together.

(He knows why. They’re soulmates. Without each other, they’re cold as ice, and tbh, Remy gets it. Logan would rather be with a mess than freezing to death. Fair enough. Still, it hurts, knowing you could be replaced with a fucking space heater.)

Logan gives Remy a little wave, and Remy gives him a cocky smile in return, adjusting his sunglasses and already planning the five-shot espresso he’s gonna use to drown his feelings.

Just one week.

This is gonna be fine.

Remy circles the end of the week on his calendar, once, twice, three times. Just so he’s not surprised. Sometimes time slips away around him and he’d like to be clothed when his partner shows up again.

He spends the rest of the evening watching TV. He heats up some macaroni, burns his tongue on it, and eats two brownies because why the hell not? It’s only like nine when he’s done, but the apartment is eerily empty. Logan’s usually busy with grading these evenings, face lit by his laptop, and Remy teases him and passes him some coffee and pulls him to bed when he’s really wrapped up.

Remy runs his hand idly over the spot where Logan usually sits.

Ugh. This is setting him on edge. He doesn’t like empty places and he has the urge to yell just to fill up the pockets of silence.

Remy makes himself one coffee. He shouldn’t. If Logan were here, he’d chide Remy and say Remy needs to sleep soon. Remy dangles his coffee mug in midair but Logan doesn’t catch it. ‘Cause Logan’s not here.

Duh, Remy, what’d you expect?

Remy chugs the coffee, tosses the mug in the sink, and tells himself he’ll clean it tomorrow.

He curls up in bed and stays on his phone until midnight. As the night wears on, he grows colder and colder. He pictures Logan flying on a plane to somewhere else, maybe sleeping with some stupid sleep mask on, his hair all messy and his glasses in his hands.

Remy’s phone vibrates.

If you’re still up, go to sleep.

Logan signs the text with a blue heart. He always does. Remy has done his goddamn best to teach Logan how emojis actually work, but Logan insists that words are “a highly more productive and lucid way of communicating.”

He always adds a heart though. Says it’s a quick way to remind Remy that he loves him.

Logan’s such a fucking sap sometimes.

(Remy ignores the fact that he’s smiling at his phone like it’s his firstborn child.)

lol hypocrite smh, he decides to write back.

I, at least, have the excuse of jet lag. Get some sleep, dear, we can talk tomorrow.

Remy sighs and doesn’t ask him to stay. He really is tired. And he’s not desperate.

He tosses his phone onto the nightstand and pulls his blankets up to his shoulders.

He’s cold.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep. But he wakes up and he’s still cold. Damn, the universe is a bitch.

Rubbing his arms and swearing, Remy stumbles into the kitchen and fumbles for the espresso machine. He tosses a good morning behind him and then remembers Logan’s not here. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and shakes himself.

He’s not gonna think about Logan right now.

Besides, Remy could use this alone time! Right? He’s always complained about Logan getting in his personal space.

(It’s a joke. It’s a joke and Logan always sees right through it, and Remy hates it.)

Remy nods to himself. He gets dressed in his usual jacket and pulls it tighter around him, as if clothes can get rid of the cold in his chest.

He takes a sip of coffee, pulls on his sunglasses, and gets ready to face the day.

His first shift goes okay. A bunch of couples come in, giggling and blushing, and Remy can tell the newest ones from the way they cling to each other’s arms. He fucking hates the universe sometimes. Depending on how sensitive a soul is, the cold can mess with people good. Some people never find their soulmate and freeze inside and out, unable to fix it, suffering from a cold that physically doesn’t exist. It’s all in their head, or their soul, to be sentimental about it.

Soulmates are bullshit if they hurt someone for not being there enough.

And being forced to be with someone...there are problems. Remy’s heard the stories. Seen the tears. Soulmates might be “made for each other” but sometimes shit happens, and the problem is nobody can leave that mess, because soulmates and because going from warm to cold is terrifying.

(Even for the relationships that work out--like Remy’s--there’s always the undercurrent of doubt. That it’s all about the temperature, the destiny, the expectations. And not about real love. Remy tries not to think about that.)

Still, watching the younger couples trade coffees and smile, Remy gets why everyone falls in love with the idea.

He spends his lunch break staring at his phone and hoping Logan will text him. Logan’s probably asleep--time zones, right? Plus the babe always gets conked out after plane rides.

Remy could text Logan, just to know. But it hasn’t been a day yet. He’s not gonna be needy.

He does his second shift, downs two espressos, and pretends the caffeine rush eclipses the cold settling into his bones.

He only grabbed a bun for lunch, so for dinner he cooks up some chicken. Then he watches more TV. Without realizing it, he grabs several blankets and pulls them around himself until he’s a blanket burrito. It’s warm. He almost falls asleep right there but manages to drag himself to bed, because an annoying voice in the back of his brain told him Logan would be mad if Remy stayed on the couch all night.

What does it matter, though? Logan isn’t here.

Remy still goes to bed.

He piles a quilt on top of his shoulders. The weight drowns him and he drifts off to sleep.

He only wakes up once.

Logan is texting him. Remy fumbles for the phone, ridiculously excited.

I hope you are well. Talk to you tomorrow morning, if you are willing.

Remy swallows and texts back sure.

Too quick? Too desperate? Nah, Logan likes punctuality, and anyway, it says he hasn’t read the text. He probably sent it, turned his phone off, and went to sleep. Logan’s responsible like that.

Remy watches his phone for a few more seconds, sighs, and turns it over. It takes a while for him to go back to sleep.

Day two and day three are a blur. He crosses the days off on the calendar, resolving to burn it before Logan sees. He’s run out of espresso so he makes a quick trip to the grocery store. They’ve turned the air conditioning on, even though it’s fall. Remy shivers his way through the aisles. He buys Logan’s favorite ice cream without thinking and sticks it in the back of the freezer. He’ll be here in four days, after all.

Remy bites his lip, pulls on his jacket, and goes back outside.

He goes to Logan’s favorite bookshop. The door tinkles when he opens it. At least this place isn’t air conditioned, though Remy still shivers, remembering all the afternoons when Logan dragged him here. He heads for the astronomy books and runs his fingers down the shelves. He has no idea what book to get. Logan’s the smart one. Remy’s just the bitch.

He buys a few books. They have space on the cover so Remy figures Logan’ll tolerate them. It costs like twice his week’s paycheck. Remy tries not to be salty about it. It’s not like Logan’s forcing him to buy this stuff. He did it himself.

Why, he’s not sure.

It’s only when he’s walking home with a bag of books and swilling the dregs of his coffee around when he realizes he’s gonna have to find a why. He’ll have to explain to Logan why he impulse-brought the babe some books. And he’ll have to make it somehow sound not-pathetic.

Well, that’s a problem for Future Remy.

Present Remy sticks the books in a closet--is that where books go? He usually just reads cafe menus--and cooks up some fried rice for dinner. All boxed, of course. It tastes like crap. He wonders if he should buy takeout tomorrow, but he just spent a bunch of money on fucking books, so maybe not.

He takes the books back out of the closet. He slips them into place on Logan’s shelves. They’re probably out of order. Logan has a wack organization system. But they look at home on the shelf, and none of the titles seem to be repeats, so that’s cool.

Remy takes a deep breath. They smell like paper, duh. Paper and leather and Logan, just a bit. Or maybe Logan smells like books.

Okay, now that’s pathetic. Remy backs away from the bookshelf. Why’d he even buy those stupid things?

(Because he can imagine Logan did. Because that bookstore reminded him of Logan and he feels like he could summon Logan with his favorite things. Like Logan is a demon or something. Well, tbh, he is a demon if his ability to recite the periodic table is any indication. Also, demons are pretty. And Logan is unfairly pretty, with fluffy hair and dark eyes and a little scar on his cheek and a dip in his chin.)

Remy sighs and watches a bit of TV. He turns it off soon enough because the words slip through his brain and leave no trace behind. Then he grabs the vacuum and turns it up.

He never vacuums. Logan does the cleaning and the cooking. Remy does the...lounging about? And the complaining. Logan also fixes anything that’s broken. Remy--well, maybe he does the errands? He does the errands. It’s not much, though, and it suddenly hits him how much Logan does every day. He’s got a full-time job teaching some college babies how to spell, and he still cooks dinner every night.

Remy narrows his eyes, rolls up his sleeves, and vacuums.

It’s loud. Plus he can’t remember which attachment goes on the carpet and which on the floor. So he might be doing more damage than help here. But fuck it.

When he’s done, he shoves the vacuum back into the closet. Then he grabs the laundry basket and does the laundry. He gets detergent on his jacket, which is not cool, and then he has to fold the fucking laundry. Remy looks up how to fold stuff. He’s pretty sure he’s made everything wrinkly, and some of the clothes didn’t fit in the drawer so he had to smush them.

As an apology, he washes the sink. It’s not bad. Then he washes the mirror--not bad--and the bathtub--worse--and the toilet--hell on earth. By the end of it, he feels like every bit of slime and muck has been transported onto his skin.

He takes a warm shower. He keeps turning the heat up because he forgets the cold inside doesn’t match his actual temperature, and he can’t help it because for a second, it’s like he’s actually warm.

The air is freezing when he steps out. He wraps himself in three towels, stumbles into his bedroom, and throws on two pajama shirts and some extra-fluffy socks. He feels like shit. He has no idea how Logan manages to do all this stuff.

His phone vibrates as he’s collapsing into bed.

If I’m not disturbing you, would you like to talk?

Remy snorts to cover up his huge smile.

hey babe

Greetings. how was your day?

p cool.

Remy pauses before adding: did some chores.

Really? That wasn’t necessary.

im still in this apartment so ye, it was.

That reminds me. Are the groceries running out?

Something twitches in Remy’s stomach. He doesn’t know why. What, did he expect Logan to comment? To thank him? To come flying back home because Remy cleaned the sink?

(Yes. Maybe. Hopefully. It isn’t about Logan’s approval--except it is. Remy wants to know he’s not a screwup. That he did something right. That Logan can ease up because Remy can help out more. And maybe it would make the cold in his chest go away, just a bit.)

Remy sighs.

course not. it’s been like three days

I was just checking. What are you having for lunch?

already had it. it’s like midnight over here

Oh. Apologies. I’ll let you get some sleep.

Remy could say no. He could say stay with me. He could say nah, I’m bored, let’s chat.

He’s not clingy, though.

night babe

Goodnight.

Remy doesn’t even bother putting his phone away. He plugs it in and holds it next to him. It’s warm. And with the many blankets piled up on top of him, he can almost pretend Logan’s there, a fire that sears him inside and out.

He barely sleeps.

Day four is rainy. Remy usually asks Logan to drive him to work, so today he dashes down the sidewalk with an umbrella and curses wildly every time a drop of rain lands on his jacket. All the customers leave puddles on the floor. Remy has to mop them up.

He’s pissed. Pissed at nothing in particular, pissed at the customers who are all a little bit rude, pissed at the cold rattling in his chest.

(He’s more than halfway through the week and he’s barely managed to get this far. Pathetic.)

He chugs coffee right from the pot. It’s blistering hot and he can feel it trickle through him. He’s burning warm now and yet so, so cold. He bets he could burn to death and still feel freezing.

Goddammit.

Fucking soulmates.

Remy is cold. Remy is annoyed. Remy would like very much to go home.

And he gets his wish--because he slips on a puddle by the front door and his ankle skews out in a direction ankles should not go.

He’d try to stay and do his job, but his manager insists he should go home. He asks Remy if anyone’s picking him up. Remy shakes his head.

Remy should stick it out and get paid. Instead, he limps home.

His ankle isn’t swollen much, but it hurts like fuck to walk on, so he props it up on a table and watches TV. Maybe he should be doing more. He just got the afternoon off, after all. But he doesn’t fucking feel like it. So Logan can fight him.

Logan’s not here to fight him.

Ugh. Fuck Logan. Fuck soulmates. Fuck Remy’s stupid twisted ankle. Everything hurts and he wants to commit arson.

Maybe that’d warm him up.

He stays up most of the night. Logan doesn’t text him, or maybe he does and Remy doesn’t hear it over the TV. He doesn’t check. Fuck Logan. Fuck everything in the whole fucking world.

By the time it’s three in the morning, his ankle is still throbbing and he’s about to punch something.

He groans and burrows deeper into his mass of blankets. He’s still really, really cold. He wishes he wasn’t so fucking sensitive--some people feel the temperature super acutely, and Remy’s one of them. Usually he likes being acute, or, more accurately, a-cute piece of ass. This, though? This fucking blows.

Remy drifts in and out of a doze for the rest of the night. He dreams he’s sinking into a frozen lake and nobody’s there to help. He wakes up to the credits playing and his ankle sparkling with hot pain.

Hot pain that he almost doesn’t mind at this point, since it’s a respite from the cold.

Fucking soulmates.

Remy hopes Logan never comes back. He’ll just freeze to death sad and alone and that’d serve Logan right.

(He doesn’t mean that. He never does. Logan would probably be sad if Remy died. And Remy likes being alive. He’s just...he’s just unraveling right now, a snarled mess of red-hot wire in his head, burning his thoughts but never warming the rest of him.)

Remy pulls a pillow out of his head.

He feels like shit, everything’s on fire except cold, and morning is a long way away.

When morning comes, he calls in sick. Because he still feels like shit. Except the special kind of shit he always feels like after pulling an all-nighter. His back is stiff and his ankle throbs dully and his eyes itch. The TV stayed on all night. Remy wonders if that contributes to the electricity bill--Logan always handles that kind of thing.

Logan always handles everything.

Can Logan handle Remy? Well, so far, he’s done alright.

Remy’s hard to handle sometimes, though.

Like now. He’s pretty sure if Logan saw him right now, he’d finally give up on the idea of soulmates.

Remy eats some chips for breakfast, binges a few shows, and eats more chips for lunch. He’s still hungry. Apparently chips aren’t that filling. Bullshit. Chips should count as food.

He nods off mid-afternoon and sleeps through dinner. His stomach is growling when he wakes up. He barely notices, though. It’s the cold that he really feels. It’s like he woke up made of ice, and any movement will shatter his joints and send him crashing to the ground in a pile of frozen splinters.

Dramatic? Yes. Justified? Also yes.

He feels like he’s on fucking fire. Except it’s cold instead of warm and there’s no way to put the fire out.

It’s supposed to be just the chest, but it feels like his whole body. From the tips of his toes to his hair follicles to his eyelashes to his chipped nails. Every blood vessel in his body is frozen, every patch of skin is icy, and when he blinks, he’s surprised no frost comes off of his eyelids.

Fuck, it hurts.

Why does he have to be so sensitive? Why can’t he last one week without his soulmate? Why did the universe look at Remy and decide hey, that’s the bitch we should saddle with super fucking sensitivity to this soulmate shit, so he becomes a clingy bitch and drags everyone else down with him?

Remy works his way into a sitting position and grabs for his phone. An unanswered text from Logan lights up.

How are you doing?

I’m chilling, Remy writes back.

Which is technically true.

(And besides, no need to worry Logan. He can’t do anything about the situation right now, so whining about it would only make Remy look like a mess. Besides, Logan would probably be annoyed--annoyed that his soulmate can’t handle it, that his soulmate won’t shut up, that his soulmate is Remy who’s just entirely wrong for him in every single fucking way.)

Logan doesn’t answer the text. He’s probably busy or asleep.

Remy feels so, so cold.

He frantically searches up solutions for soulmate-induced chills. He has flashbacks to middle and high school, back before he found Logan, cold every morning. People complained he was faking it, that there was no way it felt that bad, and eventually Remy learned to stop talking about it. Later the doctors told him he was abnormally sensitive, and even later he found out that Logan lived miles and miles away.

It had all been kind of justified. But that didn’t make him feel any better.

And today it just makes him feel worse. Great. Five days without his soulmate and he’s slipping back into old habits. Five days without his soulmate and he’s curled up on the couch and trying to find a way to make the cold leave.

Needy? Yes. Desperate? Yes. Justified? Yes, but also, not really.

All the tips involve stuff Remy can’t muster up the urge to go and find. He settles for rubbing at his skin, his wrists, his sides and his knees. For a second there’s a bit of relief, and then gone. It’s like itchy mosquito bites--the moment he warms one patch of skin, another starts aching with cold.

And he’s still hungry. And his ankle still hurts.

Remy curls deeper in the blankets and imagines Logan, Logan pressing a kiss to his hairline, Logan running a hand down his side, Logan close to him and Logan warm, like a bonfire Remy can never touch. Logan is the fucking sun and Remy is a cold, distant planet, trying his damn hardest to get close but knowing he’s just a blip on the radar. Logan can light up the world on his own. Without Logan, Remy can’t do jack-shit.

Remy is spinning through the universe, and it is dark and cold and really, really lonely.

He tugs a blanket over his head and tries to sleep.

When he wakes up again, it’s day six, and his eyelids are stuck together and he wishes fervently for coffee.

He fumbles for his phone. Logan’s texted him. Remy can’t muster up a smile.

It’s a long text. A paragraph. Logan’s walking Remy through his day? Cute. Logan’s so cute.

Remy tries to read it, but his eyes slip closed again and his stomach rumbles and his ankle stings and maybe he’ll just sleep until Logan gets here again, maybe he’ll enter hibernation--

He should answer Logan’s text.

He should call a friend. He’s pretty sure he has some, though he can’t remember why.

He should--maybe he should call 911.

But nah.

Remy’s not clingy, right?

He’s fine.

The phone slips from his hand as he falls back asleep.

Remy’s heard, somewhere, that having hypothermia means you get really warm right before you die. The cold kills you without you even feeling it.

And he can’t die from this. But he does wake up warm and that’s probably not a good sign.

Remy grabs his phone and checks the time. It’s...twelve. Twelve on the day Logan’s returning--and he’s returning at three.

Fuck, shit, fuck--

Remy scrambles to his feet, every bone in his body groaning in complaint. He feels like he got run over by a truck and he probably looks that way, too. His stomach is growling and his hands are shaking and his ankle doesn’t hurt anymore but it also won’t move the way it’s supposed to. He grabs his sunglasses and pulls them on, checking his phone’s texts.

A few texts from his manager. Because yeah, he just missed two extra days of work without even calling the guy. Fuck. Remy’ll have to work overtime or it’ll come down to Logan to pay the bills, and Remy doesn’t want to be even more useless.

One text from Logan.

I’m on the plane. I can’t wait to see you!

Remy wishes the feeling was mutual.

He pulls on his jacket and takes a look around. The living room is a mess of blankets that drown the couch and spill out onto the floor. The TV is blinking--Remy must have sat on the remote. He thwaps the side a few times until it turns off. Maybe he broke it. Well, problem for Future Remy.

Remy bundles up most of the blankets and shoves them haphazardly into the closet. Then he grabs the chip bags and throws them out. He’s starving--he pulls out a yogurt cup and downs it, then makes himself a triple-shot espresso. It’s scalding hot and he almost feels warm drinking it.

He doesn’t feel warm.

He doesn’t feel cold, either.

He feels--well, he’s not sure how he feels. Better, maybe? He’s definitely less of a lump. But everything’s kind of numb and lukewarm and hazy, and his hands won’t stop trembling.

He makes himself another coffee, just for good measure.

The sun streams through the window. Standing in it usually warms Remy up--today it makes him feel cold. He steps into the shadows and they skate over him comfortably. Chilly and numbing and safe, and this is very worrying, and maybe he should call a doctor.

Eh, Logan’ll be back soon. So it’s fine.

Remy tries to remember everything he should do. He was gonna explain to Logan why he bought those books. And what happened to his ankle. And why he hasn’t texted back. And how shitty everything’s been--well, no, not that last one.

Right! Right. The calendar. Throw it out so Remy doesn’t look desperate.

Remy stumbles over to the calendar and tears it down. It’s only marked halfway to today, because he’d given up on crossing off the days, but it’s still irritating to see.

Logan will be here soon.

Remy’s phone vibrates.

Logan’s in the airport. He’s driving home.

For some reason, Remy’s heart starts to race.

(Because the apartment is a mess. Because there are more astronomy books than there used to be. Because Remy looks like a dead rat. Because he hasn’t gone to work. Because Logan will see this mess and realize what a mess Remy is without him.)

Probably, the coffee didn’t help. Remy still takes a sip of it because the familiar taste helps ground him.

Okay. Logan’s getting here soon. And Remy will be warm. And everything will be fine. Everything will be fine and Remy can explain things later, when he’s warm.

He can feel Logan in his chest. Maybe that's why he woke up so warm--because Logan’s near. Logan’s near, and Logan’s close, and this should be enough.

It’s not.

Remy’s still numb in his extremities and trembling in his hands. He’s growing warmer but not fast enough. Logan’s not here yet and it hurts.

(Desperate.)

Yeah, he’s fucking desperate.

He paces back and forth across the kitchen. Back and forth. Back and forth. The exercise sends little tingles up his legs. He’s lukewarm right now. And it’s almost as painful as the cold, being so close to warmth but not quite there, hanging in limbo.

Remy checks his phone again and again and again.

He doesn’t text Logan, though. That’d be really needy.

Time ticks on and Remy wonders if the world has frozen instead of him.

He wants to scream. He wants to throw open the door and run to wherever Logan is and collapse in his arms and never leave. He wants to be near Logan. He wants to be with Logan. He wants Logan to never leave.

He wants.

Remy paces and back and forth and wants, more than he’s ever let himself before.

He probably looks so pathetic.

Maybe Logan’s late. Maybe Logan’s stopping to get groceries. Maybe Logan got mugged, or maybe Logan just isn’t here yet because it isn’t time yet, and Remy’s waiting--

A key turns in the lock.

Remy almost drops his coffee. He scrambles for it and manages to slam it on the counter. Then he puts his arm next to it, stares at the window, and tries to look nonchalant.

The door opens.

Logan.

Logan, his partner, his starlight.

Remy wants to run to him and tackle him and never let him go.

“Oh, hey, babes,” he says instead, glancing at Logan. “Back already? Time flies.”

“Don’t mention flying,” Logan complains, closing the door behind him and rubbing his eyes. “My flight back was a nightmare.”

“Really? Spill the tea, babe!” Remy casually grabs one of Logan’s suitcases. “I’ll cut a bitch if they fucked with you.”

“It was a baby,” Logan complains.

“Oh, damn, can’t kill it, can I?” Remy leans in to give Logan a quick kiss on the cheek and veers away just as quickly. Logan is a furnace. Remy’s melting in the proximity and he wants to get far away and he wants to burrow into the center of the warmth and let it envelop him.

Logan gives Remy an odd look. Remy grins and takes another sip of coffee.

“How are you?” Logan asks, peeling off his jacket. “You didn’t text me back. Were you busy?”

Remy shrugs. “Busy, bingeing Riverdale, what’s the difference?”

“Riverdale is a ridiculous show.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Logan rolls his eyes and leans in to press a kiss to Remy’s forehead. “I’m glad to be back, dear.”

And Remy almost shoves him away.

He realizes the instant he’s done so that he’s made a mistake. Logan’s staring at him in open confusion and--oh no--a bit of hurt.

“Is something wrong?” Logan asks. His voice is way too soft.

(He’s too close. He’s too far. Remy is going to burn up from the pure kindness in Logan’s eyes because fuck is he clingy.)

“Remy?” Logan asks.

Remy’s gone too long without talking.

“’Course I’m fine, babe.” Remy laughs. “You must be tired, right? Jet-lag and all that jazz. C’mon, let’s put your stuff away.”

Logan gives Remy a searching look. “We don’t have to right away. We can...watch a movie? Or cuddle, if you’d like.”

“Nah, you’re probably exhausted.” Remy tosses his coffee into the sink and waves at Logan to follow him. “I’ll get your stuff and you can go to bed, it’s fine--”

“Remy,” Logan says.

“Yeah, babe?”

“Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”

Remy looks back. Logan’s eyebrows are pulled together and he’s almost glowing in the afternoon sun. He’s tired. Remy can tell. Bags are smudged under his eyes and his hair is rumpled up. (Remy would reach out and rumple it more if he dared to get any closer.)

So why is he still here?

“Lo,” Remy says, and it comes out softer than he wanted. “Talk later. Sleep now.”

“Talk now, thank you.” Logan steps closer and Remy steps back. “I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” Remy protests.

“Are you?” Logan reaches for his hand and Remy pulls it towards his chest. “I--I apologize if I’m overstepping, I promise I didn’t mean to alarm you--”

Remy takes another step back. Logan’s too close and too warm and too--

His twisted ankle slips.

He falls towards the kitchen floor and braces himself.

Warm.

Searing warmth around his chest.

Logan caught him.

Logan caught him and is holding him upright, eyes wide, face inches from Remy’s own. Where his skin meets Remy’s skin? Fire. Explosions of fireworks and the warmth of a hot bath and Remy’s missed this. Fuck, he’s missed this.

“Are you alright?” Logan asks.

Remy opens his mouth to say something and doesn’t.

“I--” Logan moves to step back. “Apologies, I didn’t want you to fall--”

No.

Maybe Remy’s clingy, but no, Logan is not moving away.

Remy throws his arms around Logan’s shoulders and curls into him.

Logan makes a small noise before returning the hug, hand coming up to cup Remy’s neck. It sears his skin and Remy should be in pain. He’s not. He actually whines, turning his face into Logan’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Dear,” Logan whispers. His hand rubs down Remy’s side and Remy shudders. “Could you tell me what’s going on?”

Remy looks up, and his whole body is warm, and he realizes far too late that he’s starting to cry.

“Oh." Logan looks absolutely terrified. “Remy, what’s wrong?”

Remy doesn’t know how to say absolutely nothing and everything at the same time. So he settles for clinging to Logan’s shirt and disappearing into the warmth again, letting Logan hold him, knowing soon he’ll have to pull away but unwilling to let soon be now.

“Remy, dearest.” Logan brushes a kiss over Remy’s forehead and Remy whines again, goddammit. “Please, I can’t help you unless you talk to me. Or if you’re not ready, at least--at least signal to me what I can do?”

Don’t let go.

Fuck, Logan, don’t let go.

“Sorry,” Remy mutters, and tries to force himself to move out of Logan’s arms. “I--sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Logan sounds even more confused and upset. “Remy, I’m very confused right now.”

“I--” Remy manages to scoot a little bit away from Logan. The cold hits him like a blast and he shivers. “Don’t mind me.”

Logan reaches out and catches Remy’s hand. He folds it in his own. Remy stares at it and looks up, and he realizes his vision is blurring. Shit. He’s crying over held hands--he really is pathetic.

“Remy.”

Remy almost gasps as Logan presses their hands to his chest. Remy can feel Logan’s heartbeat, fluttering under his fingers.

“Remy, please,” Logan insists. “I’m worried.”

“I--you--” Remy tries to roll his eyes. “I’ve just...missed you, is all.”

“Oh?”

“And it’s--” Remy shrinks into himself, looking away. “I’m not trying to be needy or anything. But it’s--y’know. It’s been kinda cold without you.”

“Oh.”

Remy stares at his feet, eyes stinging.

“Remy, dearest, please look at me.” Logan’s voice is unexpectedly soft. “You’re cold?”

Remy nods.

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“You couldn’t have done anything about it,” Remy points out.

“I still would have liked to know.” Logan places two fingers under Remy’s chin and tilts it up. Remy’s eyes meet Logan’s--Logan is so pretty, with those dark eyes and that ruffled hair and such a concerned look on his face. (Remy doesn’t deserve him.)

“Would you like to cuddle now?” Logan asks. “It will probably help.”

Remy shakes his head.

“Why not?”

“I don’t--” Remy waves a hand. “You’re tired.”

“I’m not, and even if I was, you’re more important.” Logan sighs. “We can even cuddle in bed and I can sleep, if it’s that necessary for you.”

“No thanks,” Remy says, trying to wipe away his tears surreptitiously. “I don’t need that.”

“But you want it,” Logan says. “Don’t you?”

Remy presses his lips together.

“Remy. Dearest.” Logan looks pained. “Why aren’t you letting yourself get what you want?”

Something stabs into Remy’s heart and stays there.

“I love you,” Logan pleads. “You’re cold. I--I’m afraid I don’t see what the problem is--”

“Because you don’t want to!” Remy bursts out.

“I don’t--what?” Logan looks utterly bewildered. “Of course I want you to be happy and warm!”

“But you don’t want--you can’t want--” Remy waves an arm at the kitchen, then at himself. “I’m just being clingy, it’s fine--”

“Clingy?” Logan repeats. And now he looks heartbroken.

“Yeah, needy, desperate, whatever.” Remy shrugs. “I’m just sensitive, it’s really fine.”

“Remy. Remy, please.” Logan shakes his head. “Remy, I love you.”

“I know.”

“Do you?” Logan asks. “I love you and I want you to be happy and I treasure your company. It’s not a burden on me to support you.”

“But you always support me!” Remy fires back. “You do all the work and I just lounge around! I don’t--you’re just stuck with me ‘cause I’m your fucking soulmate!”

There’s a long, frozen silence.

“I’m sorry,” Remy whispers. “Really am, starlight.”

“No.” Logan squares his shoulders. “No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I ever made you think you weren’t good enough for me.”

“What?” Remy asks.

“I’m sorry if I ever made you believe I felt ‘stuck’ with you. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you didn’t contribute anything to this relationship. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel needy for wanting comfort.”

Remy swallows.

“I’m sorry if--” Logan shakes his head. “Do you remember the time I got a flat tire and you singlehandledly convinced several different people to drive us, in small increments, to a repair shop?”

“Yes?” Remy blinks a few times. “What’s this have to do with--”

“Do you remember the time one of my students almost dropped out and I cried because I thought I’d failed them, and you helped me reach out to them? They graduated, dearest. With a solid B minus.”

“I know, but--”

“Do you remember all the times you send me to bed for sleeping late?” Logan continues. “Do you remember all the afternoons you flopped on my lap and watched TV with me? Do you remember how you always let me talk about whatever I’d like and you always listen?”

Remy stares at Logan.

“I love you,” Logan says desperately, “and you have helped me so much, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without you. Soulmate or no, I love you. And I will always support you, without hesitation, just as much as you’ve supported me.”

Logan opens his arms. “So...if you’d like to, I think you might like a hug?”

Remy presses a hand to his mouth. “I--”

“It’s okay,” Logan says. “You’re not desperate. You just need help right now.”

Remy chokes back a sob and collapses into Logan’s arms.

“Shh,” Logan whispers as Remy starts to cry. “Shh, I’ve got you, I’m here.”

“I missed you,” Remy confesses.

“I know. I missed you too.”

“I love you.” Remy suddenly feels he needs to say it. “I love you so much, starlight.”

“I know.” Remy can hear the trace of a smile in Logan’s voice. “And I’m all the better for it.”

They stand there a long time, Remy sinking into the warmth, head on Logan’s shoulder and arms tucked around his waist. There are things they could be doing. Logan still needs sleep and Remy hasn’t eaten much and they’ve got jobs and lives and a million little things to put back in order.

For now, though, it’s just them in an empty kitchen.

Remy feels like his chest is on fire.

It’s not uncomfortable, though. It’s like the flame of a hearth, guiding him home. Telling him he’s right where he needs to be. And so is Logan.

Together. In each other’s arms. Smiling.

And fuck, Remy feels like he could touch the sun.

General taglist:

@the17thmeatball

@most-likely-fandom

@csi-baker-street-babes

@caffeinated-cryptid

@thefivecalls

@ollyollyoxinfree

@the-gay-is-back

@dramaticsnakes

@stoicpanther

Taglist from @the-taglist-repository:

@katelynn-a-fan @dwbh888 @royal-stormcloud @somehow-i-got-an-account  @starlight-era  @just-your-typical-trans-guy @potatsanderssides @idont-freaking-know @aceawkwardunicorn @callboxkat @sign-from-god-complex @locked-prism @sign-from-god-complex @a-fandom-trashdump @dragonwithproblems @snowdice @just-a-random-enby  @nonasficcollection @enby-phoenix @sign-from-god-complex @hitmewiththatfanart33 @aceawkwardunicorn @callboxkat @supernovainthenightsky @evoodo123 @hekking-happy-nonsense @cottonwoolsocks @demoniccheese83 @legendsgates @intruxiety @brain-deadx0 @the-grounded-raven @grouptalekindnesssoul @the-hoely-bleach @anvil527up @fanficloverinthesun

#losleep #remy sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides #ts remy #ts logan #qpr losleep #averywrites #human au #soulmate au #ts shorts remy #tw self-deprecation #look they're soft and i'm soft and it's nine at night #idk what u want from me

[feynavaley]

Thanks to @mandelene for the open tag!

Name: My online pseudonym is Feyna.

Fandoms: Currently, only Hetalia.

Most popular oneshot: I’ve never written real one-shots so I guess it’ll have to be a ficlet. On tumblr, the one with most notes is Small Stream. However, Christmas Is with Family has nearly as many notes and also got quite a few comments on FNN and AO3 (while Small Stream didn’t) so I don’t know which one is objectively more popular.

Most popular multichapter: Needy Child. Because apparently, it’s the only fic existing in the Hetalia fandom set during those few years when America was a teen and Canada a child/toddler, so anybody who wants to read something like that has only this fic of mine available. 😅

Actual worst part of writing: I know this is cliché, but the hardest part is the writing itself, lol. Especially, as it turned out, when I was looking forward to writing that scene and had daydreamed about it million of times... Pity that I’m never able to give it justice when I write it down, which is incredibly frustrating.

How you choose your titles: I’m awful at choosing titles, haha. It’s a random process. I try to churn out titles (mostly going by words’ association) and hope for a good one to strike me. (Ideally, the title would have some sort of double meaning, both related to the theme of the story. I once wrote a better explanation of the process [x].) If it doesn’t happen, I go for the one I dislike less of those I had tried.

Do you outline: For fics that ended up being shorter than ~40k words, I’ve never done it (even though I did have the general plot and some scenes in my mind. I daydream a lot about a fic before writing it). For longer fics, instead, I write a very loose outline of the main events and how they can be divided into chapters. (I explained it better in answer to other questions [x] [x].) I don’t always end up sticking to that once I’m writing, though.

Ideas I probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice? Lol there’s so much stuff here... Something I’ve been thinking about a lot (since I got a question about it) is the fantasy AU with Matthew and Alfred as knights [x]. The more I think about it, the more I love the idea. However, I don’t have an organic plot in mind so it’s quite unlikely I’ll ever get around to writing it. (Even though a collection of full-length – at least 6k words – one-shots...) Of other ideas I’ve talked about in the past [x], instead, for how I love all of them, one of the most unlikely ones is the one with Arthur being a lawyer who has to help Alfred get custody of Matthew because... the idea is lovely. Pity that I know absolutely nothing of adoptions and all the legal stuff involved, the research required would be daunting. 😅 On a similar note, I’m quite enamoured with one of the fantasy ideas I had (the one with Alfred and Matthew as princes) and I keep adding details to that plot but I don’t think I’ll ever write it as, compared to a canon-verse setting or a more generic human AU, it would require a lot of effort in terms of worldbuilding, I would also have to describe wars and peace talks... honestly, I highly doubt I’d be good enough.

Callouts @ Me: I’m way too long-winded. A bit of introspection is fine, but too much is too much. 😅 Second, I’m writing in English. I need to stop relying on the more complex syntax of Italian. Third, way too self-indulgent. Shameless hurt/comfort in the way I write it is the exact opposite of good writing.

Best writing traits: I don’t think I have one, to be honest. But I guess my writing isn’t completely awful (at least, I hope!) so I’ll put it down as ‘my writing isn’t as bad as it could be’, lol. It’s still something! 😅

Spicy Tangential Opinion: Less isn’t always more.

———

Tagging: I’m tagging anyone who feels like doing this! I’d love to read your answers. 😊

#tag chain #about feyna's writing #fanfiction #hetalia #about feyna

[xenovia-senpai]

Tagged by @chrollos-girl bbb

You can tell a lot about someone by the type of music they listen to 🎶🎵

Rules: Hit shuffle on your media player (ex. Spotify) and write down the first 20 songs, then tag 10 people. No skipping songs.

Gonna use my japanese music playlist for this one.

“Love Dramatic” - Masayuki Suzuki and Rikka Ihara (A GOOD ONE RIGHT OF THE BAT LETS FUCKIN GO)

“Symphonicsuite (Aot) Part2-5th: Apple Seed” - Hiroyuki Sawano (that title gave me a stroke trying to type but trust me it’s good, plz give it a listen!)

愛をこめて花束を aka “Put Love in a Bouquet” - Superfly (loving how all the songs so far are ones I still listen to! Please give this one a listen as well!!!)

静寂のアポストル aka “Uncrowned Greatest Hero” - JAM Project (I FUCK WITH THIS SONG HEAVVVYYYYYY. Also for Chrollos_girl because I know you’re reading, this is the One Punch Man opening that goes “monstaaaahhhh”)

“asphyxia” - Cö Shu Nie (pretty sure this is a Tokyo Ghoul opening... it’s an okay song and if you asked me if it was good I’d say no... but I can’t stop listening to it lmao)

“Bloody Stream” - Coda (TO SAY THIS SONG IS A FUCKING BOP IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT MOTHER FUCKER. EVERYBODY SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS ONCE IN THEIR LIFE AND THEN 1000 MORE TIMES EVERY DAY UNTIL YOU DIE)

“~Asterisk~” - ORANGE RANGE (first Bleach opening, such a classic absolutely holds up even after all this time 😤)

アルミナ aka “Alumina” - Nightmare ( first Death Note ending, fucking fire song absolutely love it )

“One Thing” - Jeff and Casey Lee Williams (this is a track from the RWBY soundtrack, and while it isn’t japanese it’s from a series with an anime aesthetic so idk I count that. It’s a pretty good character song, give it a listen)

“Tenjou Tenge” - Miyuna (first black Clover song on here surprisingly, hope we get at least one more. This song is amazing and the ending it goes to is even better 😤)

ノーダウト aka “No Doubt” - Official HIGE DANdism (good song, sounds like Bruno Mars, if you like him give it a listen)

“POSSIBLE” - CloverxClover (FINALLY ANOTHER BLACK CLOVER SONG FFS. Not my fav but it’s fire none the less. Fun fact the voice actors for Asta and Yuno sing this)

エガオノマホウ aka “Magic of Smiles” - MAGIC PARTY (it’s the fifth Fairy Tail opening and one of the better ones at that. Very sweet song I like it still)

バラユリxxxx - Eri Kitamura (no clue what this translates into. It’s by the voice actress of Mina Ashido so give it a listen if you wanna hear her sing!)

“I beg you” - Aimer (ooooffff I started listening to this song recently and I HIGHLY recommend everybody go listen, it’s so good. Gave Chrollos_girl Egypt gives in case anybody cared)

“Karma 염라” - Dareharu (this song is actually Korean but I didn’t notice the first time I heard it but it’s too late now because I really like it lol)

スカイクラッドの観測者 - いとうかなこ (I’m getting lazy so if you really wanna hear this one just copy and paste this. If you can’t then tough luck. It’s track from Steins Gate and it’s fire)

“FANTASTIC LOVERS” - Iron Frill (Song from Zombie Land Saga, very good plz listen)

“Crossing Field” - LiSA (is this really gonna be the only LiSA song?? That’s crazy. This is the first SAO opening, huge classic, still holds up!)

“Gomenne” - Uru (kind of a random note to leave off on but yeah that’s it! This songs decent but kinda anticlimactic 😅)

Don’t know anybody on tumblr besides Chrollos_girl so like uh. Not tagging anybody lmao.

#music #japanese #this took me longer than i'd like to admit #okay it took like 2 hours lol

[mageicalwishes]

Ten Books I Want to Read in 2020

I was tagged by @captain-aralias :) So, in no particular order here are some books I want to read in 2020. Also, I really like reading, so I rambled A LOT. Sorry. 

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - I’ve seen so many really beautiful quotes from this book on Tumblr, and I bought a copy it a few months ago. However, I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet. It sounds like an incredibly moving story though, so I’m definitely looking forward to reading it soon :) 

Attachments by Rainbow Rowell - This has been sat in my TBR stack for at least 2 years now. Oops. I know literally nothing about this book, excpet that maybe someone gets engaged at some point? Idk. But, generally I really enjoy Rainbow’s more casual, laid-back style of writing (it makes her books incredibly easy to digest), so I’m excited to read some time soon. 

The Outsiders by S.E Hinton - One of my all time favourite books! I re-read this like 3 times a year, and I doubt 2020 will be any different. I studied this book in Year 8 and the story just captivated me. The book follows a group of “Greasers” (basically low-income working-class kids), and documents their struggle as societal outsiders. Their are some really well-written, lovable characters in the book (Namely Johnny and Sodapop). And, overall, it just has a really amazing, interesting plot. It highlights the class differences of the 1960s really well, and I particularly love the sort of “found family” element of the gang. Also, it’s only around 200 pages long, so it’s a fairly quick read. Anyway ... If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it :)

The Fever King by Victoria Lee - I found out about this book on Twitter last week, and the plot outline on GoodReads really interested me. Here’s a little snippet - “The son of undocumented immigrants, Noam has spent his life fighting for the rights of refugees fleeing magical outbreaks—refugees Carolinia routinely deports with vicious efficiency. Sensing a way to make change, Noam accepts the minister’s offer to teach him the science behind his magic, secretly planning to use it against the government. But then he meets the minister’s son—cruel, dangerous, and achingly beautiful—and the way forward becomes less clear. Caught between his purpose and his heart, Noam must decide who he can trust and how far he’s willing to go in pursuit of the greater good.” So, yeah. It sounds like a classic enemies-to-lover romance story (Which is, unarguably, one the greatest literary tropes IMO ;)), with elements of political intrigue (Sort of similar to RWARB and Captive Prince which I love). So, hopefully I can get my hands on a copy of this soon. 

Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray - I watched the ITV adaptation of this when it was on telly (Like 2 years ago now?), and feel in love with the wit of the main character - Becky Sharpe. Since then, I’ve wanted to read the book. But, I’m pretty sure it’s massive (we’re talking like 2000 pages). And, being a more classic book, I’m a little concerned I might find the language used a little abstruse. However, I really want to challenge myself to try and finally read it this year. 

Birthday by Meredith Russo - I saw this book on Instagram and really, really loved it’s cover/page design, and instantly really wanted to buy it (I’m an absolute sucker for a pretty book). But, looking into it more, I really like the idea of a love story told in snapshots taken over several years. It’s also multiple POV, which I love. Hopefully, I’ll get a hold of a copy soon. Just FYI - Based on my little GoodReads search, it does look like this book covers some pretty heavy topics, and has some potentially triggering content (I, myself, am not particularly sensitive to those things - But others may be, so I just wanted to throw that in here). 

Heartstopper by Alice Oseman - I saw these comics on Tumblr and fell in love with them - They’re painfully adorable. However, I much prefer having physical copies of books than trying to read things online ... So, I’m hoping to get the print books soon, so I can read the story in full at some point this year. 

The Game of Kings (The Lymond Chronicles) by Dorothy Dunnet - From GoodReads - “ Dunnett introduces her irresistible hero Francis Crawford of Lymond, a scapegrace nobleman of elastic morals and dangerous talents whose tongue is as sharp as his rapier. In 1547 Lymond is returning to his native Scotland, which is threatened by an English invasion. Accused of treason, Lymond leads a band of outlaws in a desperate race to redeem his reputation and save his land.” I really enjoyed elements of the SOIAF (GOT) books, and apparently this series is similar in many ways, so it sounds like my sort of thing. I also, just love books with a bit of political intrigue, so the synopsis of this book really interested me. I already have a copy of the first book, I just need to get around to actually reading it. :’)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K Rowling - I have a confession ... I’ve never actually read this. My parents bought me a Harry Potter book box set for my 6th birthday, so I’ve read all the other books in the series, but the Deathly Hallows hadn’t actually been published yet. And, for some reason, I never went out and bought it. But, I think 2020 is the year I finally finish reading the Harry Potter books (I’m only like ... A decade late).  

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz - I read this a few years ago, but I have pretty much zero memory of it - So I think it’s probably about time for a re-read. I know a lot of people adore this book, and I remember thinking the romance plot was incredibly sweet, but that’s about it. I have no idea what actually happens in this book anymore :,) So hopefully, I’ll find the time to read it again this year. 

I legitimately suck at tagging people, because I know like literally nobody here,  and I’m too awkward to tag like strangers lol (Fun social anxiety thingssss). But, I thought it would still be fun to take part. Sooooo ... I tag anybody reading this who wants to join in! That’s a little bit of a cop-out but ... Shhhhhhh. 

[birdsong-warriors]

AAAH THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL THE KIND WORKS YOU GUYS (and I'm so glad to have therapist approval haha!) , I'll try and write down a few things, but I will say that going in to something like that is highly personal to whatever you need. And while at an amazing place, there were a lot of horror stories from other institutions there, so I think its individual to everyone. That being said, I'll try and share the most helpful things I picked up!!

(I'm gonna tag this as... let's go with "Bird's Psych Adventure" lol so if this isn't your thing, I won't be offended if you filter that tag!!)

First and foremost, look up the locations near you. I had two options. One place had one star on Google Maps, and I had heard many unpleasant things about it, so I took a risk and went with the very new but highly praised place and that ended up being a good choice. They do have rules about these places like controlled release of information and stuff (basically, you can choose I think just one person who they can update your situation to. Anybody you didn't sign an agreement for can't get any info from them about how you're doing!!)

I read this article before going in, and found it helpful on a practical side. ^^

1. SOCIALIZE. I'm not kidding this is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. The place I went to would let you hide, especially the first day, but they got a point; festering in your negative emotions will only make things worse. Start small, because it will be hard, but everybody else is in the same boat and there will always be those who have been there longer than you and can tell you the basics and what to do. And it keeps you out of your bad feelings and very distracted. They're gonna take away your phone, so you gotta find other ways to stay entertained haha. Even if its just doing crossword puzzles in crappy crayon in the common room. But whenever you can stay in said common room instead of your room, do it!! It helps you feel less trapped too.

2. Get outside, if you can. We had limited outdoor time, but they let us have sports stuff and I got to play Frisbee with a VERY PATIENT older gentleman who helped me learn to actually throw and not hit someone in the head. XD On a related note, they usually have showers and stuff you can basically use anytime, take advantage of that and take care of yourself. It's kind of the only way you can spoil yourself there, and it feels good to put time into feeling better about yourself. ;u; That being said, they got CRAAAP DEODERANT AND THAT GETS SUPER ANNOYING SO SHOWERS ARE GREAT.

3. Breathing exercises are super crucial to keep calm, and it's easy to get homesick and upset about the situation. But the good thing is it does make you appreciate what you have when you go back in a way you will never reach without the experience. Take the time to self-evaluate and plan for simple stuff you'll do when you go back. I focused on thinking about renovating my room to make it a safer place for myself and sorting through my stuff. And don't plan for other people, plan for you, you're all you can control and while its EXTREMELY HARD to let go of your limited control of others, focus on you and what you need for you. <33 Reach out to those you love, but as someone told me there, have no expectations of what they say, and if they dont say something that's helpful or worse, say something uncalled for, ignore them. Those that matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter. <3

4. They'll put you on meds to help, and you gotta tell them whether they're helping or not. If its making it worse, they want to know so they can help!! And eventually you should find meds that WILL help!

5. I know it doesn't help for everyone, but it helps me to think "five years from now, this hard moment won't matter and I'll be strong enough to move past it". Try not to say "I'm trying..." but "I CAN BE" or even better "I AM" AND GIVE YOURSELF POSITIVE TRAITS. If you deem yourself negative, you'll be negative, you can be better than that, you can be whoever you want and YOU ARE AWESOME AND WORTH IT DANG IT I WILL PERSONALLY FITE U AND TELL U SO DANG IT. <3333

6. The most important lesson I learned was "where did I get these doubts? Could I have learned wrong?" That's not how it was phrased exactly, but basically that you don't deserve these awful doubts and can KICK THEIR BUTT.

7. They should give you a journal, use it to put your feelings out there in a protected way and process them. My biggest stressor was a couple family members are big time triggers of mine and it helped me to write a letter to them that I never gave them because I was able to say "I don't care, I'm gonna work on my own life" but its still a big struggle.

TLDR; these people want to help you, but only you can help yourself. They aren't trying to """fix""" you, they want you to be the best you that you can be. You can do it, believe in yourself and you can get through this!!! I pray you can overcome any struggles you have, I believe in you even if I don't personally know you YOU GUYS ARE ALL AMAZING AND ILU AND I HOPE THIS POST IS AT LEAST VAGUELY HELPFUL IM SORRY IF ITS NOT BCOSHFBCKSBF

#bird's psych adventures #bird rambles #anon Im lookin right atchu i believe in you ten thousand percent i dont even care that i may not know you personally #we can all get through these hard times #RAWR MEANS ILU IN DINOSAUR #RAWRAWRAWR

[glassrunner]

Tagged by the amazing @sunlitdaisys​! <3

Name: Lauren Star sign: Gemini Height: 5′8″ Put your music on shuffle. What are the first 6 songs to pop up? The Lost Sinner - Dark Souls II OST Champion’s Gravetender | Gravetender Greatwolf - Dark Souls III OST Ludwig, the Accursed - Bloodborne OST Exploring Ocean (Demo) - SOMA OST Art School Wannabe - Sorority Noise The World Is Not Enough - Garbage Grab the book nearest to you and turn to page 23. What’s line 17? Organic Chemistry Chapter 4 (lol) Ever had a poem or song written about you? I highly doubt it When was the last time you played the air guitar? I don’t even remember lmao Who is your celebrity crush? Troy Baker!!! What’s a sound you hate? How about a sound you love? I hate the sound of crying, and I love the sound of rain and guitar riffs Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? yes I do, and thankfully I never have Last book you read? Wintergirls - Laurie Halse Anderson Do you like the smell of petrol? not really What was the last movie you saw? Arrival What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? I fucked up my left knee pretty badly during my final cross country season Do you have any obsessions right now? video games, as always, particularly Overwatch Do you tend to hold grudges against anybody who’s done you wrong? no In a relationship? lol no

I tag @frankbowers, @tyrelloit, @sheqard, @connorkenvay, @condvit

#sunlitdaisys #tag #tag meme #thanks love! <3