#i hope everyone who goes to those parties is forced to quarantine

[mellowasinyellow]

100daysofwriting - Day 1

So I thought for the first day I might just briefly outline all of the WIPs I have actually made a start on and that might help me to decide where I want to focus some energy. I have some for Katniss/Peeta in THG fandom and some for Natasha/Clint in the MCU.

Everlark

folklore series - so I started this series of fics inspired by songs from Taylor Swift's album folklore because honestly those songs just immediately bring to mind so many scenarios that made me think of Katniss and Peeta. I made a start on chapters based on peace, my tears ricochet, invisible string, this is me trying, and mad woman. I also have a bit of an outline for continuing the story that was started in 'the 1'.

I've had this one WIP ongoing since about 2015(?) which is a bit of a monster that has grown beyond me but basically it involves Katniss and Gale being raised in the Capitol in relative poverty after their fathers are conscripted into the peacekeepers because of traitorous activity. Mrs Everdeen is still from 12 but was moved to the Captiol to be married (this part is sketchy) and she still had a little childhood romance with Mr Mellark. Peeta gets reaped and Mrs Everdeen reacts to this as he looks like his father. Katniss gets a crush on him as she watches him prepare for the games. She hates herself for it but finds herself checking up on how he is doing even during non-mandatory viewing.

Arranged Marriage - I feel like this is such a cliche for thg fandom, but I just imagined my own way that the pairings happen but I'm so bad at writing slow burn so this will probably never materialise, but if you want a semi-decent thought out pairing/arranged marriage system I would be happy to lend you mine.

Miscarriage fic - I will never post this, but it's in my WIP folder. It's full of nasty feelings that feel a little better when they are written about.

Modern AU Pandemic Quarantine! - ofc, this is essential. Katniss and Peeta end up as the only people not to move home from their dorm for the quarantine. Slow burn that I can't fucking write should ensue.

Canon Pandemic Quarantine AU - pandemic a few years after the end of the war forces Katniss to admit she wants Peeta as more than a friend with whom she hunts, bakes, rebuilds the district. Cue sexy pandemic times and a resentful Haymitch that keeps accidentally breaking the rules.

Divorced but co-parenting Everlark - obviously finding their way back together

Another classic of their children being reaped and dying - I don't know why I write things this depressing. They just tend to come out in one big rush and then I never address them again.

Real weird teen pregnancy modern day AU - don't know where it's going or why...

Modern day AU dead Prim - Peeta and Katniss just met each other through mutual friends and are kind of flirting. Peeta is a bit infatuated. Katniss stops going to mutual friend parties and he finds out it's because her sister died. Instead of staying away he gets tangled up in her grief and does all sorts of practical things while Katniss wallows. Also it's E rated but not that much fun... can't entirely explain where this one came from either...

Single Parent AU where Finnick and Annie play match maker. Probably my fave Everlark in the works but it's another one that has grown so big for the 20 minutes I can dedicate to it each week.

Clintasha

Red Room Take Down - Nat and Clint are retired and living a quiet family life with their child. SHIELD appears asking for Nat's help in taking down the red room and dealing with the fall out, specifically what to do with the girls that they get out. Nat is torn but chooses to go. Chaos ensues with the 'rescued' girls. I need to actually develop some OCs a little if I ever want this to be good but tbh the pending Black Widow movie is kind of holding me back on this one too because I hope we find out more about the red room.

So I have a weird habit of writing from Lila Barton's POV. I can't explain it. I have AoU and like to pretend it never happened but anyway I have a WIP about Lila detailing the collapse of her parents' marriage after Clint retires and he and Laura actually have to spend time together without Natasha. She then goes on to describe the custody settlement and her utter joy that Auntie Nat sleepovers with them at her dad's place. She feels utterly betrayed when she finds out they are getting engaged.

Fluffy AU - Clint and Natasha in an established relationship with a son born between infinity war and endgame. Natasha still sacrifices on Vormir, but Steve gets her back no bother and it's so nice and happy and fluffy and Clint and Natasha are together and they have a son who has both parents back and Steve gets to make all this happen and he is so happy too and they have a barbecue and go swimming in a lake and clint/natasha have private time, and their kid wants to be captain america, and did I mention how HAPPY everyone is?

Another fic similar to the above just about everyone being so HAPPY. Endgame reverses the snap and instead of weird farm family coming back Clint and Natasha get their daughter back and it's just a cute moment about her reappearance and their race back to the spot she disintegrated from. (Steve/Bucky go to Vormir and Steve is sacrificed, but that fucker CHOSE to leave).

This is another one that has just grown bigger than my brain. it's based off the idea that Natasha helped with coordinating fosterings during the blip time. Clint loses his mind when he loses his family and crashes in BedStuy but finds a neighbour girl (Kate Bishop) who is fending for herself in post-apocalyptic Brooklyn. He helps her out and tries to get children's services involved but it has collapsed. Finds out Natasha is the one getting everything in order. He gets in touch. She's at the end of her tether and asks why he can't keep looking after her. In the end he does and she ends up getting involved and all three get overly attached to each other. I haven't got as far as the events of endgame and idk what's going to happen. It might be tragic.

Pregnant Natasha but nobody knows what is wrong with her because they don't even suspect her being pregnant is possible. Just a real vivid description of the early unpleasant pregnancy symptoms.

Another absolute monster - Sort of canon compliant to begin with aside from before the farm family disappear. Clint and Laura are in the middle of separating and tensions are running quite high at the farm. Snap happens. Nat and Clint accidentally run into each other while both a bit low during the blip and get drunk and share home truths. Begin working together from HQ and both get a little less sad. He convinces her she doesn't have to be responsible for the world's fate every moment of every day. Clint has a break down at Morgan's 1st birthday and realises that things will have to change. Nat has this realisation later. They begin sleeping together. Accidental pregnancy. More feelings come out between them. They enter a more conventional relationship and have baby. Baby is really hard work (colic) and they struggle with comparisons and feelings of inadequacy. Pepper helps them to identify the colic and improves everything greatly. Happy times with baby while also running the avengers. Opportunity to reverse snap. Some good scenes between Nat and Tony. A big conversation between Nat and Clint about what it will mean. Steve and Nat end up going to Vormir together. Nat is obviously about to commit suicide. Steve over powers her and gives her a pep talk about the situation she is running away from and how to deal with it. He self-sacrifices. Clint goes back to farm fam and Natasha goes back to BedStuy with baby. Clint has to tell Laura and then the kids about the last 5 years and their new siblings. Nate is super into it. Cooper is a bit aloof and cynical. Lila is confused. Laura is quietly seething. Clint helps put the farm back together about 5 years of neglect and the kids meet baby. Family gets happier. Laura and Nat eventually meet again and it's civil/friendly.

My own version of what happened in Budapest.

The Call - inspired by a post here on tumblr. Nat calls Clint as she bleeds out. Just needs a beta reader and then I would consider publishing.

AoU reimagined but with Clintasha - I'm not sure where this one is going it's like a massive spider web right now with lots of ideas shooting off, but basically it is inspired by this post and just involves a lot of hoodwinking the other avengers.

Accidental Baby Acquisition - Natasha becomes Yelena's child's legal guardian after Yelena gets taken out. Natasha and Yelena are estranged at this point and Natasha things the whole thing is a trap and brings Clint along. He is surprisingly good with the baby so she ropes him in to teach her. The three of them end up bonding.

5 times there's only 1 bed + 1 time they choose to sleep in the same bed.

non-superhero AU Clint and Nat both think they have adopted a stay cat but actually the cat has owners and just likes strokes and eats a lot so has many 'families'. They get into an argument over which of them the cat belongs to only to find out the cat has owners and they are moving away. They decide to adopt a cat between them as both are not hope that much and the shelter refused them as single people. Slow burn ensues, which I am shit at writing.

#100daysofwriting #everlark #clintasha #thg #mcu #clintasha fanfic #clintasha fanfiction #clintasha fic #everlark fic #everlark fanfic #everlark fanfiction #natasha romanoff #clint barton #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark

[spectrumed]

3. sadness

Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.

I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?

This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.

My diagnoses are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

Agoraphobia

Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Asperger syndrome (AS)

No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.

Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.

Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.

Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.

The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.

How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.

No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.

This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.

At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.

#neurodiversity #neurodivergent #autism spectrum disorder #autism #aspergers #mental health

[publiccollectors]

QUARANZINE #14

QUARANZINE #14: Rachel Herman. Rachel was diagnosed as a presumptive positive for COVID-19 after a test for Influenza A and B turned up negative. She's been fighting the virus for just over two weeks. Yesterday she posted this long message on Facebook about her experience so far and I asked her about publishing it in QUARANZINE. She had been thinking about reaching out to me, so we were both on the same page. The text is very long for the format I adhere to so the type is quite small, unfortunately. Here it is in its entirety: Dear friends,

This is the week many of us will get sick. Social distancing is working, but most cities waited too long to declare shelter-in-place orders and many others have yet to. So, we will see spikes in confirmed cases within the next week or so. I want you all to be armed with pragmatic and useful information if this happens to you or someone you care about.

I am on Day 14 of what was diagnosed as a presumptive positive for COVID-19 after a test for Influenza A and B turned up negative. (I am still waiting for my COVID-19 results.) I’ve had a relatively mild case, and I’m on the mend. My congestion is clearing up, I can breathe deeply again, and going up and down the stairs doesn’t make me winded. My energy and appetite are coming back though I still have had a fever of 100+ for 14 straight days. Most of us will get a mild case. 40-70% of us will get it, but so much of the media frenzy right now is focused on things that were important last week and yesterday (every day feels a year these days, though, to be fair). I have seen shockingly few articles or helpful testimonials advising how best to treat ourselves at home, and, trust me, I’ve been looking. So much of the information we’re focused on now is preventing transmission, but there is woefully little on what to do IF and WHEN we get sick.

Being waylaid during the time that so many folks have been still frantically trying to avoid getting sick has offered me a strange bubble of calm and insight. I’m grateful for that because the fear out there is palpable. I would like for this to be an offering to assuage at least some panic. That is my hope anyway.

The CDC and the WHO have labored and lengthy instructions on how to prevent transmission to someone else in the household or orders to quarantine. This creates a new problem for us as caregivers. A potentially critically ill person separated from everyone else drastically reduces a caregiver’s ability to monitor, replenish fluids, and generally take care of the person who is sick. On top of that, these two trusted sources offer only the most basic (honestly, negligible) recommendations for treating symptoms: sleep, keep hydrated, and take Tylenol (or the generic acetaminophen). This kind of bare bones advice is, well, skeletal. We all want to know how best to take care of ourselves and each other so that we can avoid having to go to the hospital. We want to be able to recuperate at home because we want to prevent putting a strain on the system and, face it, the idea of going to the hospital in this scenario is downright daunting. The better we know how to nurse ourselves back to health, the better our odds are healing well in our own beds.

So, I wanted to share what I’ve learned.

Caveat emptors/disclaimers because I’m making this public and shareable: This is based on my own personal, lived experience. I am not a doctor, so this does not replace or supplant solid medical advice from a professional you trust. I have had relatively mild symptoms but still a longish case. I am one of the freakish 5% who has had never-ending nasal congestion that went into my upper respiratory tract, but I somehow avoided the dreaded cough. YMMV (your mileage may vary). I have no underlying health concerns, I’m 52, a non-smoker, and fortunate. I have a comfortable apartment to myself, and I was able to spend $500 to stock up on essentials before the lockdown and before I got sick. (For the love of all that is holy, I swear I did not stockpile anything, especially TP. Stocking up is simply incredibly expensive. I dwindled my account down to almost my last dollar, since I’m adjunct faculty at two local universities and don’t make a whole lot.) Still, that is more than so many of us are able to do, and I am grateful for all that I have. What follows goes a bit beyond common sense, because this virus is unlike anything I’ve experienced before, even though to be clear, this is certainly a far cry from the sickest I’ve ever been. I hope it can be a boon to friends and strangers alike.

Here are the things I did that helped:

WHILE YOU ARE WELL

1) Start taking your temperature in the morning and at night so that you have a baseline.

One of the first signs of the virus can be a low-grade fever, though this virus does present in different ways. Full disclosure: I was one of those people who had to go to 3 different drugstores on Wed Mar 11 looking for a thermometer amid decimated shelves.

2) Before you get sick, change your diet.

Stop eating and drinking things that will make it harder to fight off the virus. Mellow out on the processed foods, dairy, and sugar (alcohol and gluten are in this category too, sorry).

Increase your intake of immune-boosting foods like green vegetables, fish and other omega-threes, garlic, ginger, and citrus. You don’t have to give in to the whole elderberry craze (though it does taste pretty good). Replace coffee with chaga, a fungal immune booster that you can brew into a strong, soothing tea, for a few weeks.

If you think these dietary recommendations are extreme, consider that you are in a temporary but dire situation where everything else around us is collapsing. Change your eating habits this month, even if it’s just a little for a little while.

3) SLEEP at least 8 hours a night. (I know, I wake up at 4am in a blind panic too. But, still, try.)

4) Make a pot of soup NOW while you are healthy or at the first sign of any symptoms.

This is especially important if you are sheltering in place alone. When/if you get sick, trust me, you won’t have energy to cook. You will barely want to eat anything anyway. But you will force yourself to have two bowls of it every day, and it will help. The pot should be big enough so that you can eat from it for a week. Make your favorite broth-based recipe: chicken, vegetable, or bone. Bone is most healing, obviously. Avoid dairy and noodles because these ingredients increase congestion and inflammation. Freeze it if you don’t have any symptoms at this point, so you will be able to thaw it when you start to feel oogy.

WHEN YOU GET SICK

1) At the first sign of fatigue, a tickle in your throat, aches, or a fever, go to bed and stay there. SLEEP. Don’t try to keep working. Your body needs to heal, and it can do that most effectively when you are sleeping.

Early symptoms reportedly vary. Some have aches and fever, scratchy throat, and chest tightness with a dry cough. Headaches, sneezing + nasal congestion, shortness of breath, nausea, and diarrhea have all been reported. I woke up on Mar 14 with a headache, body aches, congestion, and a fever of 101. My fever spiked to 102.5 on Day 2, and I’ve had a fever of 100+ every day since along with body aches, nasal congestion (my nose opened up like an actual running faucet on day 5), chest tightness and upper respiratory congestion, exhaustion, lack of appetite, and some lower GI distress (though not full-on diarrhea, everything just felt labored and different and, sincere apologies for the vivid image I’m about to put in your head, my poop seemed to be covered in a gauzy cloud). The two aberrations from most commonly reported symptoms: I have only had a negligible cough, and I never had a sore throat. My baseline temp leading up to getting sick was 99, but I am usually a straight-up 98.6 kind of person.

I had a dinner party the Monday before I got sick, and a friend who helped me in the kitchen came down with the same thing at the same time. My friend has asthma and has had a much harder time of things. But we are both on the road to recovery, in large part because we have been sharing what we’ve learned, checking in with each other, and doing some intense jobs taking care of ourselves while in isolation. (No one else from the dinner party has gotten sick to date.)

2) DRINK WATER, every 15 minutes when you are awake. Every time you wake up or roll over, drink. It should be room temperature, not cold. Cold liquids exacerbate the illness.

3) Drink WARM liquids like herbal tea and broth. Hot liquids keep everything in your system moving. Make soothing, healing, and warming remedies out of whatever inexpensive supplies you already have available.

4) In the giant void of an antiviral treatment that works on COVID-19, I have turned/returned to plant medicine, and it has helped me a lot.

My cousin, who is taking a Chinese medicine course in Singapore right now, sent me directions on how to make a ginger and licorice root decoction that was used throughout China during the Hubei lockdown. It’s easy to make. You bake the licorice in molasses, and then you boil the licorice root and the ginger for an hour. The ginger licorice decoction has really helped my friend who also got sick at the same time I did.

Making tea from Chaga – an Alaskan mushroom – has been so incredibly helpful. I’ve made a large pot of it every day, reserving the chaga and re-steeping over and over again for the past two weeks. Was it the chaga or the fact that I was drinking a gallon of warm soothing liquid daily, ladling out a mugful every couple of hours, that helped me get better? I’ll go with a little of both.

Other natural antiviral immune boosters that might help include vitamin C, C60, and olive leaf extract, oregano oil, and Manuka honey. Since stores are closed and Amazon has stopped shipping, we have to make do with what we already have. Make a tea with citrus peels and cloves and sliced ginger, if that’s is in your fridge.

5) The word on the street is to manage fever with Tylenol or acetaminophen or paracetamol, which are supposed to be more suited to treating respiratory illness than other alternatives. Frankly, I have been taking acetaminophen as sparingly as possible to avoid putting strain on my other organs. Cool compresses work too.

Some people are saying NOT to take Advil and its generic ibuprofen, as they have anecdotally said to propel otherwise healthy people to hospitals for oxygen. There is a lot of noise and confusion in this debate, and I’m going to sidestep this thorny conversation for our purposes.

6) Zinc lozenges and elderberry syrup help with a scratchy throat and cough. A friend of mine prone to bronchitis recommended Myrtol, a German cough syrup made from natural ingredients, including elderberry. If you have a pharma protocol in place for managing a persistent, chronic cough, you are probably already on it.

7) The fatigue is real. It also becomes really hard to think clearly. That’s why it’s so important to have soup and tea and other supportive supplies ready ahead of time.8) When you think you are getting better the first three or four times, STAY IN BED.

The arc of this virus is really rollercoaster-y: up and down and up and down. After the initial alarm passes, (and it is alarming at first because you don’t know which way it’s going to go and that seizing up can make everything feel worse), I was able to focus on getting better, calmly. I made it through the first scary fever spikes, but right when I thought I was feeling better, I would get knocked down again. There were critical junctures around days 3, 5, and 7 where I was certain I’d turned a corner, and, well, yesterday.

I’d get up and do dishes, take out the trash, take my dog for a walk around the neighborhood (face covered), and try to get some work done (end of quarter grades were due at both my schools and my departments have been preparing like mad to take our classes online in the spring). Then I would feel hot and light-headed again, taking my temp only to see it had sprung back up to 101.5. You will feel better and want to get back up and do things only to get knocked right back down. The moment I ease up on drinking water and tea constantly, I start to feel horrible again.

Remember: YOU ARE ESSENTIALLY PREVENTING YOURSELF FROM DEVELOPING FULL-BLOWN VIRAL PNEUMONIA. I would say the new mantra needs to be SLEEP + DRINK WATER. Start now, to the extent that you can. Please resist the urge to get up and do things. Rest. Do your Zoom meetings from bed with a virtual office background, if you absolutely have to be on a call. But, truly, you shouldn’t because this is the time to sleep sleep sleep and binge watch The Good Place (my choice for existential dystopian laughs/insert whatever makes your socks go up and down). For the past few days, my temp has been normal in the morning only to spring back up to 100+ if I try to do too much (e.g. read: ANYTHING). When I let myself sleep, my temp goes back down.

9) A humidifier has helped. Some recommend running a hot shower and sitting in your own makeshift bathroom sauna. Steam eucalyptus or rosemary, if you have any, and inhale deeply. I just made a homemade vaporub with a base of coconut oil and a few drops each of clove, thyme, rosemary, and peppermint oil. It is wonderful.

10) My breathing never got dangerously shallow. But this virus can potentially fill your upper and lower respiratory tracts with mucous until you feel like you are drowning. A physical therapist wrote with life-saving advice about the importance of Postural Draining, a method of draining mucous from the lungs using gravity and percussion. It involves physically moving your body so that you tilt your lungs and bronchial tubes upside down and then firmly clap the back or chest. This allows the mucous to flow up out of the lungs along with deep, prolonged exhales. Then you can cough it the rest of the way out. You can do postural draining alone or have someone perform it on you. Google postural draining diagrams – there are different for positions for each of the five lobes of your lungs. Do these exercises for 3-5 minutes a day before you get too sick. You can get into position in a chair or laying over a yoga ball, bean bag, or pillows for support.

Failing steps 1-10, if you have difficulty breathing or your temperature spikes beyond what you and your doctor are comfortable with (I’ve heard different numbers), please go to the ER immediately. Some of you will develop dramatic and dangerous symptoms quickly. Please do not wait to seek care if your lungs are struggling beyond what you can manage at home. My advice is geared to keeping as many of us comfortable for as long as it takes to heal, but that obviously is only going to go so far for those who suffer from chronic conditions, are older, or are immunosuppressed. If you have a finger oximeter, and are able to monitor your oxygen levels numerically, then you will know when you have to go to the hospital. But very few of us have those, and they are way sold out.

THE OTHER SIDE

Healing from even a mild case (and mine IS mild) takes about two weeks to a month.

As my dad would day, take it easy. It is unclear how immunity works with COVID-19. Some have said that there was a patient in Japan who tested positive a second time. There is speculation that this, in fact, was a relapse and not re-infection. We need more time to learn about the virus. In the meantime, please give yourselves time to heal.

We don’t know how long immunity lasts, and we don’t know about immunity to slightly different mutated strains even if we have recovered from one of them. I do hope that we get to develop a fair amount of herd immunity in the next year, but, again, there is a lot to learn. We will obviously still need to protect our vulnerable populations, and our society will continue to bend and contort itself around the virus.

But I hope to be in a position to assist when others get sick. I will happily help you to the best of my abilities. Looking to a future I can hardly conceive at the moment, I anticipate learning more about plant medicine. Scientists will develop new antivirals, retrovirals, and vaccines. I look forward to donating plasma as part of a treatment for those who get sick in the future, whenever that near-distant moment may be.

And thank you, friends. I am good. I have everything I need. My inner circle is incredible (I love you, mom!). I have been quarantined since developing symptoms and went out for a half hour only to get tested (thank you, Howard Brown for your invaluable service). No one else I spent time with beforehand has gotten sick (except my one friend whose illness coincided with mine, and they are also struggling a bit today with the ups and downs. Please hold them in your thoughts).

May you and your loved ones stay healthy. Or, more to the point, may we all get well and stay well. Sending love to all corners.– Rachel Herman

#QUARANZINE #Rachel Herman #Public Collectors #Marc Fischer #Zines #RISO #Publications #covid-19 #coronavirus

[ofpensandpapersblog]

FROM CALM TO CHAOS: A year into the COVID-19 pandemic

It was January 30, 2020. Everyone was beginning to execute their game plan for their goals set for the year. And while everyone was getting busy, life had its way to changing its course – getting everyone caught off guard because of the ‘unprecedented’ arrival of the novel coronavirus (COVID-19).

At first, majority dismissed the matter when a suspected COVID-19 case was reported, and everything seemed to have died down a month later with no additional cases reported.

Calm.

Beginning March 2020, the very first local transmission of COVID-19 had been reported and from then on, the confirmed positive cases continued to rise day-by-day. This has prompted the Government to devise a plan in a bid to stop the spread of the disease and placed Luzon into lockdown. It was March 15, 2020.

Nobody knew what to do after that day. Everyone was panicking; there’s confusion and fear everywhere.

Visayas and Mindanao soon reported local transmissions and followed suit, declaring lockdowns to contain the outbreak. Soon, the whole of the country was placed into a state of calamity.

Although people were able to cope with the ‘new normal’ after a while, several serious problems came to light – in the Government, in the community, in oneself.

Chaos.

For the whole of 2020, everyone hoped for the better like I did.

Was the COVID-19 contained? No. But everyone made the most out of the situation.

Everyone tried to move on with life and optimistically looked forward to a different year ahead.

Calm.

Beginning 2021, the Government have opted to gradually relax restrictions, reopen the economy, and allow some of the things people dreaded for.

At the office, we were almost back to the ‘normal’ daily operations. Instead of working at home, majority of us in our unit were already reporting on site four (even five) times a day.

In the Church, we have reopened physical service at 50% capacity (in adherence to the IATF guidelines). Physical meetups and fellowships were also being done.

Yet when everyone looked to end the year-long agony brought about by the pandemic in 2021, all hell broke loose once again.

---

Since the start of the year, we were already wrapping our heads in one of the agency’s project for its 25th anniversary – a coffee table book.

Aside from the internal documents that needed to be prepared, we also coordinated with different companies and groups that will be featured in the said project; we sent emails, prepared scheduled visits and trips, and many more. It is stressful to the core – in work and in principle.

We started the company visits and trips beginning March 2021 but had to halt it for a week due to poor planning and coordination of the third-party supplier. We had to step in to ensure proper communication with the stakeholders regarding the feature.

It was March 15, 2021. During this time, there were already reports of increasing COVID-19 cases but there was no clear plan to be done by the Government yet again. It seems like a repeat of last year...

The same day, a photoshoot for a certain group of people was conducted at the office in relation to the coffee table book project. This was the nth time that we breached the guidelines on mass gathering – yes, I had to state that out – although, there were fewer people that time compared to the earlier scheduled shoot. We are to resume the company visits starting the next day.

March 16. There were already rumors of positive COVID-19 cases at the office, but no one confirmed nor denied the information, so we went on our day as usual.

March 17. The rumors were eventually confirmed – two staff from another floor tested positive of COVID; however, employees were suspecting that there’s more. In the afternoon, the management has decided to suspend operations for the rest of the week to conduct disinfection of premises. At the same time, the reported COVID positive cases around the country was once again ballooning rapidly.

Despite tbe suspension, we continued our scheduled company visits for the project, but the scheduled flights for the next week have eventually been postponed due to the worsening situation.

March 20. There have been additional confirmed cases among the agency’s employees. We were getting quite concerned on this as we’ve heard that we might be primary contacts – AND WE WERE IN FACT EXPOSED.

We were informed the next day that three staff from our unit, including me, turned out to be primary contacts while the rest of the group were our secondary contacts. As such, we were ordered to immediately have our swab tests done and go on quarantine.

In the back of my mind, I was taken aback as just in a matter of days, things went out of hand.

Due to the escalation of events, the agency had been placed on ‘lockdown’ and mass testing of employees was ordered. This time, the Government has announced that the Greater Manila will be placed under ECQ again.

Chaos.

Of course for the safety of everyone, we immediately complied to the instructions.

I got tested on March 22 and, thankfully, the results went back ‘negative’ the next day. Or so I thought…

March 24. I woke up feeling sick – my back aches, my head hurts so bad, I was coughing, and I have high fever. I immediately told my mom what I was feeling. I also informed my supervisor and three of my closest colleagues about what’s happening.

For the rest of the day, I monitored if my temperature would go down and all that’s aching in me would go away. It didn’t.

Since I wasn’t getting better, I reported to our company nurse what’s happening. I was told to undergo some laboratory tests and take a swab test again.

In my mind, I was already preparing for the worse. I prayed to God, “Lord, if this is my thorn of flesh, I am willing to accept, but please help me see the bigger picture.”

Praise God, all laboratory tests were clear. But I tested positive for COVID-19.

It was morning of March 27 that I confirmed the diagnosis, 8 days since I was exposed. It broke my heart, but I trust that the Lord will be with me in this journey. I prayed to God for understanding and healing. I also prayed that my parents and my brother’s girlfriend, and those people around me, will be spared from this. “As much as possible, Lord, ako na lang.”

For the next few days, my condition worsened: my fever wasn’t going down despite the round-the-clock paracetamol, I developed cough and colds, I lost my sense of taste and smell and my appetite, but I had to force myself to eat because I need to take antibiotics and other medicine. I also experienced uncomfortable breathing.

Due to my condition, I was already thinking of scenarios that didn't even happened yet – what if I needed to go to the hospital? All hospitals near me are at full capacity. What would I do? What will happen now?

During those times, I wanted the comfort of my parents, but they can’t even go near me. Literally so close, yet so far. Never have I ever felt so alone in my life… but I thank God for never leaving my side. Even when I can’t see Him, I was assured that He was with me all the way.

That very moment that I wanted to give up, kaleidoscope of memories flashed in my head, and I remembered my mom and dad, and Kuya, and his girlfriend, my friends, the people I cherished the most… And I heard a gentle whisper that said, “Hold on.”

In those moments, I uttered the same prayer that Jesus said to the Father in Luke 22:42, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

Thankfully, I started to get better at the start of the Holy Week 2021. Majority of my symptoms were already gone by the end of the week. It’s funny, but I felt like I was resurrected alongside the remembrance of that momentous time when Christ took on the cross the weight of our sins, defeated death, and resurrected on the third day to sit at the right hand of God.

It was the hardest and scariest week of my life. It was as if I would see the light any time. But it was also the same time that I met God again.

For the longest time, I had set aside the Lord. But the moment I was alone and I had no one to turn to, He was there. He never left… He never will.

I really appreciate those people who constantly checked on me and prayed with me during those times. Thank you, Lord, for using them to remind me that You are with me.

I am continuously getting better twenty days since I got the virus. But praise God because I do not have any symptoms anymore and I am already back to doing what I usually do while on continuous recovery.

My heart goes to those who lost their fight against this virus. I pray for God’s comfort, guidance, peace, and protection be upon their families. I also pray for healing and provision to those suffering from COVID and its drastic effects.

---

Was COVID contained now? Still no. The cases are still at record-breaking peaks. Frontliners are still suffering. Hospitals are still full. People are still frustrated and mad at the Government for their lack of concrete plan.

COVID IS REAL. And this situation must be taken seriously. It's not anymore a matter of 'what if I get COVID' but more of 'when will I get COVID.' Sad, but it's true.

But beyond the current situation, GOD IS ALSO REAL. He knows everything that is happening, and He accounts every one of them – justly and fairly.

1 Peter 3:12 says:

"For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.'"

Let us continue to pray for the better; He listens. He is closer than we know. #

#devotional #testimony #COVID-19

[solara-bean]

This is the very extensive and detailed rant of a fed up black, female student of class 2020

-You are free to scroll past this if you want. I really just needed to get this off my chest. But if you have advice or are experiencing a similar situation, feel free to message me-

So first off, I haven't liked going to school since I was 9. And highschool has only deepened my loathing of it. But maybe I don't hate school in general. Maybe I just hate the schools I've gone to ( 4 in total ). This rant is about highschool specifically. Perhaps what I'm about to type is normal and I'm overreacting. But I'm tired of not talking about my problems because I'm worried that I'll sound like an ungrateful brat. Typing/ writing about my issues makes me feel better. And I really need to feel better.

So here are the main points in order of severity: Low income, Advisory, Graphic Arts and Discipline/Work Ethic

Low Income:

I've only ever gone to low income schools in my neighborhood. I hoped high school would be different but thanks to the crappy education of my old school and an even crappier selective enrollment test score, I couldn't get into the schools I wanted. Then again my single mother probably couldn't afford those other schools anyway.

My highschool shares a building with another highschool. And unfortunately they called dibs on the best features and have control of the heating and ac. We don't even have our own gym. We also have the least amount of space with the smallest class being mine of 144 seniors. So there's a lot of packed classrooms.

Speaking of having way too many students, recourses are slim as a result. Our best equipment, chromebooks, need to be reserved weeks in advance by the teacher and even then they still may not be able to get enough of them for their class. Said chromebooks can often be missing keys, not work at all or be stolen easily because of their small size.

A few other issues are terrible lunches ( I've been bringing lunch from home since sophmore year), very limited field trips, mice infestation, very few clubs ( if we have any idk ) and teachers have to pay for just about everything class related.

Advisory:

Advisories were created to prepare us for greek life in college. I honestly think it's to keep everyone in check but ok. Even so I have absolutely 0 interest in anything frat or sorority related ( no offense to those who do ) as well as many of my classmates but advisory is mandatory.

My first 2 years of advisory were hell. Most of my advisory sisters were either people I'd never talk to because we weren't in the same class, had nothing in common or they were straight up terrible people. I should mention that freshman year has the worst students because about 30% don't make to the next grade or just transfer. Most of my advisory sisters I had problems with were in that 30% ( a few had already repeated ).

Since I kept to myself there were very few incidents were I was put into a tense situation with them. The main conflicts involved our advisor, who I guarantee you was not the problem. She was essentially a poor, white, optimistic, young math teacher from out of town that was thrown to the slaughter. And my cowardly self watched not wanting to be next.

She ended up leaving by junior year so what was left of my advisory merged with another and got a new advisor. The only downside is that our new advisor is a firm believer in " sisterhood " and no cliques ( even if you converse easier with a certain group of people and advisory is already a forced clique in itself ). Maybe I'd be more up for advisory events , which we rarely have , if my advisory experience wasn't sullied so early on.

Graphic Arts:

The reason I chose my school was because it had an art class. In seventh grade I knew I wanted to have a career in art and that my talent was lacking but had potential. So you can imagine my horror when I learned that the art teacher had left once I'd gotten there.

I was sad but stayed positive and even highly recommended them to get another art teacher. Then by sophomore we got an art after school program ( 4:25 to 6 twice a week ). I managed to keep my grades the same and take the classes every week for the entire school year. I only missed about 4 days total. For once I actually enjoyed staying after school.

The class taught me so much and I didn't have to wait for the summer to take an art class downtown. Even better I got to interact with other young artists of my race ( there was usually only one other black kid at the summer classes ). Everything was finally looking up.

Then the art galleries happened. The school hosted one per semester. I brought my art to display but I couldn't stay cuz of a shitload of math homework. I got complimented the next day but still regretted not staying. So I vowed to attend the next one with even more pieces than before.

The night finally came and I was hyped. Me and two seniors were in charge of doing caricatures for free ( one senior gave me a dollar tho ). I had fun with that but noticed something weird...none of our art was displayed.

Apparently they cut it out for time along with the theatre clubs performance. And I would've been fine with that. If my family hadn't come.

The icing on the cake was when they turned off the lights in the hallway where we were drawing the caricatures so they could start the show for the performing art groups. I couldn't contact my family until the show was over and booooiii were they pissed. Especially my mom. I was more sad than anything. I had a feeling my school valued the performing art more and this just proved that. At least now we have an actual art class. And my art teacher is awesome and supportive as hell.

Discipline/ Work Ethic:

These are together cuz they've equally fucked me up. Don't get me wrong. I have a 4.2 gpa and 0 detentions.

The problem is my classmates.

I have been to soooo many class/school meetings about behavior and grade issues over the past 4 years. One of which a staff member said " now i know all of ain't bs-in' but why aren't those people helping the ones who are."

Like wow! Thanks. I hate it.

I'd be happy to help my fellow classmates. It's just that their version of help is cheating off my tests and copying my homework.

So yeah my bad. I've been sooo selfish.

I can count on my hand the amount of times I've been told that I'm doing a good job directly and not in front of a class as a way to embarrass them.

This year behavior was so bad that they made a competition to see which advisory would get the least demerits. Big mistake. My heart goes out to all the poor well behaved students who lost because of a few advisory mates. It only takes one. The record for most demerits in a day was 30 I think.

I forgot the competition was going on at some point cuz I've only gotten 2 demerits in 4 years. My advisory won second and we played the waiting game for our prize only to have a pizza party with 17 other advisories. The winning advisory was salty as hell. But hey we got free lunch at least.

I managed to get good grades simply by doing everything on time and having no social life. This was by choice really. I promised myself I'd do better in college but now I gotta study for ap.

It was actually ap literature that gave me a new perspective on my classmates work ethic. We were given a lengthy reading assignment but the due date was stretched by two class days and the weekend. Even though I'd been mentally drained lately ( by lately I mean since the 1st week of school ) and had other work to do, I completed it with slightly less annotations.

Upon the due date I discovered that I and one other classmate completed the reading. Even the valedictorian didn't do it!!! And this wasn't a one time thing either.

In fact my class is notorious for never doing work on time. I'm talking completing-a-project-in-the-class before-the-it's -due- for bad. And some people I understand. Some of them really need help and resources. But every one else. Excuses excuses. The extended due dates gave me extra free time but it made the work I completed on time feel pointless. Like I could've just not done it and not face any consequences.

I tried that and was stressed out all day to the point of doing the work anyway. School's got me whipped I guess.

So if I hate highschool so much why do I go on time everyday, miss at most 3 days a year, do my work, behave myself and study??? Simple. I'm trying to get out. Having a good gpa and test scores will get me more scholarships cuz God knows my mom can't afford art college ( I got into my first choice so yeah:). Really highschool has just been a means to an end.

I've had my good days and have made some friends but I really just wanna run to hills with my diploma in hand. And thats what's kept me going. But now we're quarantined.

And my school has decided to make work optional.....and I have all A's......

Needless to say I've barely done any work at all. If we never have to go back theres a good chance I won't. I'm so numb at this point that I don't care that we may not have a prom ( aka the only dance I was ever going to go to ).

I'm just done. Done and fed up.

But thank you to my mom, family, bestie, teachers and my classmates that actually want to have a future for keeping me going. If I don't completely give up it's thanks to you. Future me, I hope you get everything you want at art school:)

#school #highschool #class of 2020 #2020 #senior year #rant #lomg rant #if anyone wants to share their shitty highschool experience feel free #i actually left a lot of stuff out #like the freshman year camping trip #and social media drama #and spanish class #ughh im getting flashbacks #if you read this thanks it means a lot😊💗💗💗

[suiciderealestate]

Midnight - June 15, 2020

What a strange time and what a wonderful thing to be alive to see it. What started as something so incredibly dark is now transforming into a cleansing fire. I’m only disappointed that I’m not in New York to be more a part of it. Still, being home has been oddly good for me. I dreaded coming back to Nashville and being inexorably bored, but that hasn’t really happened. I find lately that it has been difficult to be bored when there are so many things to be done. Even when I am doing nothing, knowing that my world is suffused with things to be done has deprived me of the possibility of boredom. To be home again with my friends and family who understand me, to be able to do work in things I enjoy or at least aspire to enjoy, all of it has allowed me to get closer to my center. And yet, I still feel that lingering sensation of missing out. It always feels like the most important things are happening somewhere else, and I’ve never quite been able to shake that. But then I suppose it’s just what goes along with being human, being this atomized lump of agency and desire in a swirling universe of invisible singularity.

Everything is so uncertain right now, but it feels like there is a reckoning. It feels like the conservative forces that have left me feeling less than human all my life are finally being seen for what they are. I admit that I have internalized some of it, that there are biases within me as a southern white male that feel contradictory sometimes. But this racial revolution is so much more than just a demand for actual freedom for black people. It is a demand that we all be seen as human beings, that we are all treated with the dignity and respect owed to everyone. Sure, “All Lives Matter” may be another tone-deaf rightwing trope, but I think it’s the real meaning in “Black Lives Matter.” We are fighting for equality for black people now because we are fighting for equality for us all, and we must start with those who are most vulnerable. Yesterday in New York City there was a peaceful demonstration of solidarity with black trans women, who have proven to be one of the most vulnerable populations in our country. Around 15,000 people were there. All of my friends in New York were there. It feels like something good may yet come of all of this.

When Donald Trump was elected, I remember being vaguely disappointed but slightly amused. I never wanted Trump to win, but the fact that he did win meant something big was going to happening, and I hoped it would be the destruction of the Republican Party as we know it. I still hope for that. His entire presidency was like a game of chicken. Something big would happen and you’d think he would finally be held accountable, and then he wouldn’t be. Against all odds, he won the presidency against Hillary Clinton, even after the “grab ‘em by the pussy” comment and all the nasty, incendiary behavior that kept him and his rallies in the headlines. I mean it was really such a catastrophic political upset that you just knew the wheels of history were about to go into overdrive. Trump survived all the damning books written about him. Trump survived impeachment. Things even began to assume a sense of eerie normalcy for a moment, the feeling that a Trump presidency was a one-way train and that there would be no going back for our country.

When the pandemic landed in the U.S., it just felt like the disastrous culmination we all knew was coming. We floated through Trump’s term with much political turmoil but much less unrest than I would have anticipated. Sure, the news headlines were never-ending until things that were once surprising became mundane, but we didn’t have a 9/11 or a new war, which is the thing I was the most afraid of. No nuclear disaster. No economic collapse. Just a lot of quiet social regression and the unavoidable feeling that now more than ever we are a nation divided. When the pandemic came, that’s when it really happened though. That’s when we knew why a president like Trump is so dangerous, and it’s because he just lives in his own world, the same way that many of us do, but in a way that the president of the United States cannot afford to do. It was a loss for diplomacy. It was a loss for the sanctity and decorum of the office. It was a loss for our national pride, or at least half of the country’s national pride.

When the virus hit I was so afraid. I felt like things really were just going to fall apart. Trump didn’t care about the virus. His response strategy was and still is, effectively, to ignore it, to refuse to wear a mask, to project not strength but the delusion of invincibility. He was so confident the virus would go away, it was almost like he knew something about it that we didn’t. Cases are spiking in Tennessee and several other states where people just don’t care about safety, but it’s mostly poor people of color that are being affected. A factory of minorities falls ill in a factory outbreak and it’s business as usual. Nursing homes all over the country become easy bake morgues and it’s business as usual. And to be quite honest, that kind of apathy easily rubs off.

As the rallies and demonstrations protesting the routine racial violence began to grow and spread like wildfire all over the country, we began to experience a kind of political paradox. The Trumpers are following their messiah’s lead by ignoring the virus, celebrating national holidays en masse, grilling out and thronging together in celebration of summer. At first the liberals criticized the behavior, but now even people on the left seem comfortable to travel in crowds during protests, as long as they wear a mask. To them, that seems to be the distinctive difference, but not every protestor I’ve seen has worn a mask. Neither side agrees with the reason the other side is going outside, and yet are all going outside. When I got home, my friend and I were spraying the ATM with disinfectant. Every trip to the grocer store felt like a dangerous foray into enemy territory. The news coverage of the destruction being caused by the pandemic was constant, and the reports, voices and opinions of the reporters and pundits were always in the back of my mind. Everyone on Instagram was urging people to stay indoors. Proper quarantine etiquette became an online rhetorical trend. But when the riots started and the political fabric of our populous seemed to be ripping apart, the headlines shifted and the attention shifted away with them. Right now in Nashville there are more cases of the virus than there have ever been, and it only promises to keep getting worse. I think it was just yesterday that I saw a picture of a girl’s lung infected by coronavirus that had been taken out during a transplant. It looked like a piece of rotting corned beef covered in pus. The lung belonged to a girl supposedly with no history of smoking.  And yet I am strangely at peace. Still, it’s the same kind of peace I felt when Mary Jane’s car got t-boned and was spinning out of control. I thought I was about to die, and in that moment I was prepared to die. But I didn’t. I can’t help but wonder if this newfound tranquility is just a false sense of security, or anticipation of an inevitable sort of death. All I can really do is hope that fate will smile upon me, and if it doesn’t then I just hope to have the strength to let go of whatever tragedy comes. We are all ready to get back to our lives. We are all ready to return to a world in which this pandemic didn’t exist, but wishful thinking isn’t enough to make this chaos go away. Here we are, a nation on the edge, and we are embroiled in perhaps the most controversial presidency in American history, a deadly global pandemic, and now a revolution. When George Floyd died I was numb.

But it wasn’t because of people like me that the world is changing. To be honest, I am well aware of my complicity in a system that has more or less afforded me a great deal of comfort. Within the context of everything happening, watching black people lose their lives for no reason over and over again to the officers who are sworn to protect us all reminds me that circumstance has not been entirely cruel to me. I am thankful that something is happening. I am thankful that the protests are ongoing. I am thankful that finally our country is being forced to stand still, that the wheels of capitalism are slowing down for just a moment, so that we can evaluate who we actually are, to make necessary changes, and to proceed forward to a higher consciousness of freedom. But I know that there is a greater battle ahead of us. The opposition is rallying its forces, and though I am confident that the worst elements of our nation are their own kind of minority that can be overcome, I know it will not be without a fight.

History is happening every day, and I want to be there to document it. I want to be there to take part in it. If I am going to continue my life as a voyeur then I want to be an active voyeur. I want to tell stories that will result in meaningful change. But these are dangerous times, and I don’t only risk my own life when I attend the demonstrations. Living with my parents has given me a needed sense of comfort, but I know that being here and continuing to live my life more or less is putting them in danger, and if I wasn’t here they wouldn’t be in danger. It would be nice to stay in Nashville for awhile and save some money, to spend some time with my friends and reacquaint myself with the city I was born in as I head out of my youth and into my 30s. I don’t feel as old as I am. At twenty-nine I still feel a lot like a kid. I’ve often said that I got stuck in the mind of a 19-year-old when I did acid on Halloween in 2010. That night has remained the most impactful night of my life, and yet I have always been at a loss regarding what to do with the experience I had. I want to begin my life as an adult, to continue or at least approach with more vigor the essence of what will be my life’s work. I’ve been searching for it, and to be honest I just don’t know if I’ve found what it is.

I’ve become mostly accustomed to a life in which my major depression has left me unmotivated by most everything. I’ve been looking for that motivation everywhere. I searched for it in Kansas. I looked high and low for it in New York. I expected that New York would give me everything I needed to find that buoy of inspiration we assume every great artist has, but if anything New York just confronted me with the hard realities of our vapid, money-driven world. But as everything is dismantled and falls apart, I’ve become more hopeful than ever for a better future for all of us. We might not be able to fix the money-driven part of things just yet, but I really do believe we are taking steps in the right direction toward building a more free world. If this is just the calm before the storm, then let chaos reign. 

[jmsa1287]

With Her Quarantine-Themed Opus 'How I'm Feeling Now,' Charli XCX & Her Clique Level Up

Charli XCX has been at the forefront of pop music over the last decade and with "How I'm Feeling Now," a quickly-made album created entirely in quarantine with a madcap collection of Internet musicians and input from fans, Charli goes to the next level.

Between 2014 and 2017, Charli XCX almost became the next Lady Gaga. She had released bonafide hits like her Billboard Hot 100 top 10 banger "Boom Clap," from the soundtrack for the tragic teen romance "The Fault in Our Stars." She wrote songs for huge pop stars like Selena Gomez, will.i.am, Blondie, the K-pop group Twice. She was also featured on chart-toppers like Icona Pop's "I Love It," and Iggy Azalea's no. 1 hit "Fancy." But instead of choosing a path where she'd work with producers Max Martin and Pharrell, Charli looked further ahead, stayed online and became the most interesting pop star currently working.

Last week, she released "How I'm Feeling Now," what she's calling her fourth studio album. It arrived on streaming platforms after the British musician announced its conception about six weeks ago on April 6 via a Zoom chat with fans, stressing that it would be a D.Y.I. project with them while she's under lockdown and in quarantine at her Los Angeles home. With 11 songs and a 37-minute runtime, the album, a collaborative effort to be sure, is a masterpiece where Charli makes the most vulnerable and powerful album since Beyonce's 2013 self-titled surprise release. It's an urgent piece of emotional art that finally unifies Charli's ethos and talent into an impressive synthesis of sounds, songwriting and style. And it arrives at a vital moment.

"HIFN" follows her eponymous album from last year — a collaborative effort in a different way as it features several popular artists (Lizzo, HAIM, Christine and the Queens, Kim Petras, Troy Sivan, Sky Fierrea, Cupcake, Big Freedia and more) contributing vocals and felt like, at the time, it was meant to elevate Charli's status in the pop world. It's Charli at her most polished — so much so that the edginess of her music was scrubbed too clean and not everything worked. Her frequent collaborator A.G. Cook, the leader of the internet-dwelling musical collective PC Music, had his signature 00s computer nostalgic sounds bump up against other producers' ideas. A few years before "Charli," she shared the four-track EP "Vroom Vroom" — a maximalist effort from Cook and SOPHIE (another prominent member of PC Music who has had a successful solo career while working with huge names like Madonna) that marked a pivotal career turn for her; a flag signaling that Charli had fully invested in PC Music's chaotically beautiful inorganic sound. In 2017, she released back-to-back mixtapes: the stellar "Number 1 Angel" and the critically acclaimed and fan-adored "Pop 2." Over the release of those four projects, her partnership with Cook grew, morphed and worked out its kinks. On "HIFN," Charli and Cook — both credited as executive producers — unite their best talents while welcoming other sounds from producers, like BJ Burton (a Bon Iver collaborator who is also credited an executive producer), Danny L Harle (who got his start with PC Music as well), Dijon, Palmistry and Dylan Brandy, one half of the mind-bending duo that feels like the logical evolution of PC Music, 100 gecs.

At a time when major-label pop stars are delaying the release of their music — like Lady Gaga, who put off her long-awaited sixth album "Chromatica" a month-and-a-half due to the coronavirus pandemic — Charli is seizing the moment. (Similar to Charli, rising pop star Dua Lipa bumped up the release of her disco-inspired sophomore album "Future Nostalgia" a week back in March.) By directly working with fans — asking them to submit phone footage for music videos and gathering their input on songs by sharing demos to social media and hopping on Zoom chats — Charli has turned her new project into something beautiful and hopeful during a time when most of us are craving any sort of interaction, never mind from a legit pop star. The pandemic is forcing everyone inside and closing us off from family and friends. But Charli is rising to the moment — a moment that feels destined for her —reaching out to her fans to make something that's so of our time.

Though "HIFN" is an impressively made album with music that sounds like it simultaneously comes from both the past and the future, it's untimely successful for being a cathartic and freeing album. Charli has full creative autonomy here and isn't constrained by label meddling. "HIFN" is loud, abrasive, sad, confident and sexy. It's a patchwork of sounds that are stitched together by Charli and Co. where she jumps from genre-to-genre (and sometimes from mico-genre-to-micro-genre) in a matter of seconds, similar to the 100 gecs album "1000 gecs" from last year. It'll give you whiplash where songs are so complex and intricate it's hard to believe it was made in about a month, like on the pulsating and glitchy "Claws," co-produced by gecs' Brady, bounces from love-song to a rave banger that gives way into an eruption of static. To call "HIFN" visceral would be an understatement as a number of tracks are and raw; walls of sound pummel you like on the opener "Pink Diamond," where she sings, "Every single night kinda feels the same I'm a pink diamond/ I need space" as a cacophony of synths and sound effects ram into each other.

"HIFN" defies expectations in many ways; not only that it exists and is excellent from start-to-finish, but the songs themselves are like puzzle pieces arranged in such a way that they pull tricks on what you expect from convention songwriting and producing. Production on "HIFN" is constantly shifting with some tracks initially feel like two or three songs slapped together but careful listening is rewarding as it's revealed how stunningly crafted they are, like "c2.0." That song begins with a sludgy beat but sheds itself to reveal a slick pop song, sounding nothing like the first 90 seconds. It also interpolates Charli's self-titled album cut "Click": "I miss them every night / I miss them by my side / Catch my tears when I cry / My clique on me for life," she sings about the lost days and nights with friends.

Songs you think are about to end go on for another two minutes (like the ethereal and wound-up "Detonate," an album highlight) and songs that you expect to climax collapse inward, like the epic "party 4 u" — the album's best song. It's a lovelorn track full of yearning about throwing a party for a crush who never shows up. It's a simple message (when you're into someone but they don't quite reciprocate those feelings) that's been expressed millions of times throughout the history of pop music - but not quite like this. It opens with an otherworldly synth and builds and builds until it reaches its apex. But instead of a release of sound that you expect, "party 4 u" — the longest song on "HIFN" (nearly 5-minutes) — goes silent and starts from the beginning, becoming one of the most powerful moments on the album.

The track also brings "HIFN" full circle in a profound way. It's a song that's been around for a few years and, after leaking online, it quickly became a fan favorite where people would request it at shows. Charli and A.G. Cook said they always considered putting it on an album but Charli said she was "hesitant...because I like the mythology around certain songs." Nevertheless, Charli said that including "party 4 u" on the album might seem "small and silly" but "it's the time to give something back." Indeed, it's a payoff for those who have invested in the world-building and mythology Charli has created for the last five years as "party 4 u" closes with a live recording from a concert in which fans are requesting the track itself, prior to its official release. It's a beautiful sentiment that propels the album and Charli and her team to a new level of artistry.

#charli xcx #how i'm feeling now #music #pc music #a.g. cook #ag cook #100 gecs #bj burton #Danny L Harle #dylan brady

[theinsanecrayonbox]

Digging your tabletop pride icons! I like the filter effect they have! :-) Do you by any chance have a textpost of the characters and their sexual orientations/gender identities? I recognise some of your characters, but not all of them, and there are pride flags I've never seen before, so I'd like to learn more. :-)

well thank you. it was just a bit of photoshop work.

i do not have a list of that made up yet...so lets do that now lol

let me preface this though with two points.; 1) i am 1 of 2 females who play regularly in my dnd group of 6 (sometimes 7) people, the other is Dixon. so i am usually the only female in the party itself. i have only ever played 2 (and a half) male characters in the 6/7 years i’ve been playing; every other male character i do in my tabletop group arts are story characters, not player characters. i am also 1 of 2 (sometimes 3) people in the group under 40. romance isn’t really a big part of our storytelling...no matter how hard i try to put it back in there ^^; 2) i identify as quoisexual myself, so all my characters have that to some degree in them just because i’m the player and you bleed into your characters that way. i also use goggle as a helpful tool to learn about all the different identities, so my knowledge and interpretation is fallible.

ok so list now;

Paige-Cupioromantic, meaning does not feel attraction, but desires that type of relationship i went with this, because Paige....well...is Paige lol. as one player once said “it feels wrong trying to date her, because she acts so young and innocent” and to be fair, she isn’t really out here looking at people as romantic partners. she wants friends, she loves her friends. also you know, mortal embodiment of an eldritch horror terror, so...

Cizma-Fraysexual, meaning has strong attraction until a relationship is formed and then the attraction fades she’s the opposite of Paige, and this is mostly based on her “relationship” with InkShade honestly; she believes she’s madly in love with him, but he refuses her, so she pursues him more. i think if he gave into hr advances and reciprocated, she’d realized her feelings weren’t what she thought they were. i admit, this one’s new to me so my interpretation could be very wrong, but that’s how i feel it fits Cizma.

Ada-Quoisexual, meaning has trouble distinguishing between romantic and sexual attraction as i said above, my default is this, so if i don’t know a character’s leanings it’s their too (yes jelena is my icon and is this too fyi). BUT in fairness, it suits Ada because of how she was raised; she has very little idea how to properly people here. and she is developing some sort of a relationship with Til. also, her first dice bag was my pride bag with this flag.

Gauzra-Lithoromantic, meaning has desires of attraction, but does not want them reciprocated again, kind of supposed to be in opposite to Ada, and seeing as i still don’t know Gauzra’s personality this could change...but from my interpretation of her right now, this feels right. plus the flag goes with her color scheme.

Rosalba-Demisexual, meaning does not feel attraction until a strong bond is formed at the time i was playing Ro, this was how i identified primarily, but it still suits her i think. if you met Rico after meeting her, you would never know WHY they were a couple, but those two kinda fought against two life times to be together (three if you count the accent into godhood). Ro’s also never been good at getting close to people, but once she did, you’re stuck with her.

K’nessan-Nonbinary, meaning does not identify with a binary gender scale; Marsic, meaning is attracted to masculine qualities ok, ok, *technically* since Ness is a hermaphrodite they should be inter-sexed BUT they do prefer the gender neutral pronouns (followed by the masc; never use “it/that’ or you will die)...and their color scheme matches the flag, so... ^^; i also included in the list the Marsic because Ness does have a preference for male partners

Nemo-Asexual, meaning has no desires for attraction Nemo is nothing but a hero, so that pretty much screamed ace to me...plus it matched her color scheme

Mekala-Aromantic, meaning has no desire for attraction i wasn’t really sure about her, since you know 2 failed campaigns in a row didn’t give her much room to grow, but i could see this working. she’s not really looking for anything, more searching her past. 

Jass-Bisexual, meaning attracted to both males and females Jass is my sabretooth, so my sabretooth headcanons are canon for her lol. we only saw her have a relationship with fantasy!Deadpool in the game she was played, but hey

Tesla-Electio Aroace, meaning has no desire for attraction, whether sexual, romantic, or tertiary  i admit, this one is completely new to me, so my interpretation could be very wrong, but the idea that this is one that is uninterested in any form of attraction suits my viral android very well. again, she has gone on record saying that “the biological imperative for emotions is distractive” (more or less) which is especially funny since she was played in a valentines game where the goal was to let Cupid infect a town with horniness to make babies; Tesla was the only one unaffected and actively trying to stop that. so yeah.

Theo-Pansexual, meaning is attracted to any gender yeah, Theo’s just out there doing and being anything

Sean-Bisexual, meaning attracted to both males and females; he however has a stronger male preference i admit, one reason why Sean is bi and not just gay is for the “half and half” joke...but yeah, he started the game with a boyfriend, he would kill everyone for his boyfriend, he woudl die for his boyfriend.

Vitanya-Gynosexual, meaning attracted to feminine qualities still learning new things as we do this, but since Vita has had little development (but will be getting more) i’m kinda aiming to have her be a bit more into girls...we’ll see how that pans out

Lokaj-Androsexual, meaning attracted to masculine qualities originally i had him as something else, but when i saw that description i liked it better, since he ended up with Arkos and all

Arkos-Transgender, meaning identifies with a different physical gender than the one assigned at birth; Gay, meaning attracted to men going more off the latest version here than my previous one for this. but yeah, he’s just straight up trans here, not intersexed, and his tribe is cool with it. plus being a tribe means not enough money to get magic to physically change anything...but he’s ok with that. in his tribe it’s less what you have and more how to act.

Rikkar-Bisexual, meaning attracted to both males and females mainly because he did have a fiance...even though they weren’t super into the idea, they weren’t against it either...but he’s far more into Ark

Tarn-Lesbian, meaning attracted to women she has been a loud raging lesbian since day one, and nothing will ever change that. not even one continuity having her in a forced, bested in trial by combat, marriage to Starlord basically. she will only go for a dude if he’s a dragon...and he’s gotta be a hot dragon...and even then it win’t lasting dude.

Reyzah-Abrosexual, meaning one’s attraction is constantly changing or fluid Reyzah started as a knock-off tarn honestly and never got to thrive too much. but compared to her siblings, she was always the one learning and trying to figure herself out, so this fits well.

Margus-gay, meaning attracted to men Margus, similarly to his sister, started off as quiet nervous gay, and by the end of the adventure he had himself a doppleganger husband and confidence to boot, so yeah, my baby boy grew up good. admittedly a lot of his self-confidence issues were more from his half-orc heritage, BUT that fed into the “no one would wanna date me cause i suck” mentality. so yeah.

Nikkos-Asexual, meaning feels no desire for attraction he’s Margus’ twins, and was always intended to be some sort of ace. the joke being the Ironbrood kids are a full set; likes girls, likes guys, figuring things out, likes doughnuts. i waffled over making him a more defined type though...but since i’ve only played him for like one session as a background character, i’m not sure where he’s at. so general ace is fine. he loves and supports his siblings, and is best uncle to Margus’ kids anyways, so s’all good.

Jelena-Quoisexual, meaning has trouble distinguishing between romantic and sexual attraction i know i said up in Ada’s that Jelena was this too, but here i am saying it again since she’s my actual icon and not in the reffed to image set. i haven’t played her, so this could change...but i’m very self projecting on her during quarantine to begin with, so yeah she’s quoi until proven otherwise ^^;

so hope you found this informative...and that my information isn’t too terribly off ^^;;;

#kp answers asks #dnd stuff #pathfinderstuff #my ocs #my writing

[journeyintotheshelves]

Tuesday’s Treats is a weekly blog post dedicated to newly released books that I’m most excited for. (Books are in no particular order.)

All books featured this week will be released: JULY 9th

1. Maybe This Time: Kasie West (goodreads) (book depository)

Sophie works for the local florist in her small town, so she spends her days at every major event her town has to offer, from funerals to weddings. But with those parties comes Andrew, the arrogant, annoying, and entitled son of a chef in town. He’s at every event that Sophie is, but as the more time they spend together, the more Sophie starts to think that he’s not as bad as she first thought.

Kasie West writes the best summer beach reads and I cannot wait to pick this up as soon as I possibly can.

YA Contemporary Fiction, Romance: Point/Scholastic, Hardcover (US)

2. The Shortest Distance Between Love and Hate: Sandy Hall (goodreads) (book depository)

Paisley cannot wait to get to college and everything that that entails: new place, new people, new adventures. In fact, she decides to start early and makes out with the hottest guy she can find at her first college party. But when she learns that her mystery guy is actually her lifelong enemy, Carter Schmitt. Determined to keep her distance, Paisley decides that she’s just going to pretend that Carter just doesn’t exist. Which is a bit hard to do when he keeps showing up everywhere.

YA Contemporary Fiction, Romance; Swoon Reads/Macmillan, Hardcover (US)

3. Spin the Dawn (The Blood of Stars: 1): Elizabeth Lim (goodreads) (book depository)

All Maia wants is to be the greatest tailor, just like her father. But because she’s a girl, all she can expect is to marry, and to hope that she marries well. But when her ailing father is summoned to court, Maia goes in his place, as a boy. She knows that she’ll be killed if anyone discovers her secret, but she’s willing to risk everything for her dream. But, when she arrives at the palace, she learns that she wasn't the only tailor who was summoned, but one of twelve. Court is anything but safe for Maia as everyone fights for the job of being the royal tailor. And there’s also Edan, the court magician, who seems to be able to see right through Maia’s disguise.

The fact that this book is pitched as Mulan meets Project Runway is so fascinating, I can’t wait to pick this up.

YA Fantasy; Knopf/Random House, Hardcover (US)

4. Wilder Girls: Rory Power (goodreads) (book depository)

Hetty’s life was normal at the Raxter School for Girls. It was normal until the Tox hit and the school was put under quarantine. Left to fend for themselves, all the girls can do is wait for the cure that they were promised. But when Byatt goes missing, Hetty can’t wait anymore. So she ventures out into the wilderness that surrounds the school that has been corrupted the forest into something unrecognizable. But when she ventures out, Hetty learns that there is something more to the Tox, and about her school, than she knew.

Ever since I talked to a publicist at BookExpo about this book, I’ve wanted to do nothing but read this book. I’m so excited that it’s finally out into the world. (Also, this cover is the most beautiful cover that I’ve ever seen.)

YA Horror, Mystery, LGBTQIA+; Delacorte Press/Random House, Hardcover (US)

5. The Storm Crow (The Storm Crow: 1): Kalyn Josephson (goodreads) (book depository)

Elemental Crows were an essential part of life in Rhodaire until the Illucian empire invaded. An invasion that caused Princess Anthia to fall into a deep depression, leaving the ruling and all of the pressure on her sister, Caliza, after their mother’s death. When Caliza agrees to a marriage between Anthia and the crown prince of Illucia, Anthia won’t do it lying down. After finding a Crow egg in the destroyed rookery, the sisters devise a plan to hatch the egg and being to take back what was theirs.

YA Fantasy; Sourcebooks, Hardcover (US)

6. The Bookish Life of Nina Hill: Abbi Waxman (goodreads) (book depository)

Nina loves her quiet little life full of books, an awesome trivia team, and her cat, Phil. But when her father — her father that she never met — suddenly dies, Nina is thrown into a chaotic world with more siblings, cousins, and family that she never knew existed. Forced to (gasp) talk to strangers, Nina starts to step outside of her comfort zone and may discover that life is sometimes better than fiction.

Contemporary Fiction, Romance; Berkley/Penguin, Paperback (US)

#books #Tuesday's Treats #new releases #maybe this time #kasie west #the shortest distance between love and hate #sandy hall #spin the dawn #elizabeth lim #wilder girls #rory power #the storm crow #kalyn josephson #the bookish life of nina hill

[anarchy-in-the-pre-k]

absolutely pissed at a few friends i know dont go on tumblr. 

dont know anyone to talk to bc im down to two friends in my life so unless i want to lose them too then i guess i just have to scream into the void of anonymous blogging. ive had an crazy pathological FOMO for almost as long as i can remember. ive felt like an old old man since i was 15. all i can think about every day of my goddamn life is the passing of time and how my youth has been wasted in circumstances/a time and place where theres no cool counterculture/art for art’s sake/anything meaningful and social. im 20 now and ive been feeling like my best years are behind me for years. college is a nightmare. ive lost every friend ive had except for two and im not even entirely sure why. nobody wants to do anything. there are old friends in town, im always surrounded by old friends, but none of them leave the house. i dont want to live in a world where the only people in my life are friends from high school who blow me off every night for their millionth round of league of legends and my genuinely insane alcoholic dad who just goes on crazy rants that make me want to kill hiim and then myself. this is a crazy way to live. i cant move out. even if i could, id be miserable having a landlord/being a wage slave again. my god, all i want is the barest amount of social interaction that doesnt make me want to die. i cant believe ive never been to a crazy party, that almost all the friends ive ever had never wanted to do anything but sit around and play video games.

but onto what’s bothering me today. met up with the two friends i have left. known them for a while but we didnt use to be as close. they’re the closest to “interesting” or countercultural/artistic friends ive ever had, but they see all of that as mostly behind them. im incredibly resentful of not being “let in” on some of the more crazy times they had when we were growing up, but i can usually manage those feelings. today, they were just reminiscing about this secret spot in the woods they used to have wild parties at during high school. the way they described it made it seem like every stupid youthful experience that i’ve ever wanted. huge gatherings getting broken up by cops, a small pond for diving in from a gigantic vandalized cliff. glow sticks tied in trees for when it gets dark. ive known about this place forever, and ive always asked everyone to show it to me. i asked for years and years and years and nobody took the fucking 2 hours out of their lives to satisfy my curiosity. now i just have to sit there and listen to them talk about it like its the greatest thing that ever happened to them, so many life-changing experiences. so many true and completely authentic celebrations of being young and irresponsible. everything i always wanted, i begged them over and over to show me when we were all younger and they never found the time. now, they just talk about it, and i sit there, visually super uncomfortable, i tell them im annoyed that they never got around to taking me there- they dont take criticism well at all. they try to be polite, but they just want me to quit complaining. after the most hyperbolic shit you can imagine coming out of their mouths about this glorious place that shaped their young lives, i immediately hear a “oh, you wouldnt have liked it anyway, logan” just to shut me up. i didnt say anything to them for the rest of the day.

I know how crazy I sound, I dont care. I know there’s something wrong with me in the way i glorify those kinds of memories, how badly i want times like that to come back, but they know that about me too, and it was almost as if that whole conversation was designed specifically to torture me. it was like they took my deep-rooted, extremely sensitive pathological FOMO and said absolutely every combination of words that would set it off. i felt like some kind of incredibly cruel joke was being played on me at certain points. they went on for like 20 minutes. i think im really getting sick of this friend group, but if idecide to take a break from them, then ill be down to 0 friends. 0 friends and my only human interaction will be with my insane, narcissistic, racist, violent dad, who’s just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house anyway.

I hate the kind of person i am now. I hate having this much hate in me. I know that absolutely nothing in this environment is doing any favors for me mentally, but i cant think of anything else to do. I say that now, even as I type it, I dont feel any better. there is nothing cathartic about this. I can say it over and over again “I dont know what to do now” but that doesnt change the fact that when im done making this post, i will have to keep living this. i have no power to change my life. there are no new friends to be had. i dont know how to meet women beyond dating apps, and staying on them makes me miserable. i have no other relatives to complain about my dad to. i have no other friends i can complain about these two to. all i do is list my problems in my head with nothing productive to be done even after identifying my problems. I know that so much of it is “just me”, but my environment is forcing all the worst parts of me to come out over and over. im horribly, incredibly lonely, but i hate everyone i come to interact with. i dont know if theres any hope for it to ever be otherwise for me. i thought i would use isolation, especially during quarantine, to make some money and prove my worth to myself as an artist. ive had my stories published bought by a few magazines now and i still feel horribly empty. i feel too world weary to even imagine myself having a positive relationship/friendship with anyone ever again. im just so tired of every single person that i meet. im tired of everyone, and the most amount of pleasure afforded to me is sitcom reruns and fast food. the safest, most conformist material pleasures that there are. i hate my own melodrama, i hate that i care this much about small thinngs, i hate that theres something so deeply wrong with my psyche that im this crazed by the mention of a punk hangout spot that nobody ever showed me when i was younger, but i am going to live the rest of my life resenting that everyone around me only wanted to game, and nobody ever wanted to go to the shady/weird spots of the woods with me. how can i have missed my chance to childishly self indulgence, only to come out a whining adolescent still? how can i still be such a kid while missing what it felt like to be a kid? i dont know. ive always felt this way, but its only been especially bad for the last 3ish years. if it keeps going like this i dont know what ill do. again, no catharsis. again, there is nothing healing about my writing this. life sucks at every moment and then, somehow, i decide to keep living. im going to build a ted shed soon i think

[gloieee]

Limbo

Started this post sometime early July and could not finish in classic fashion because the heaviness weighed me down TOO much for me to continue writing. Usually for me writing is catharsis, but this time it felt laborious because it meant I had to sit with my emotions even more so than during my day-to-day (which was already too much to handle). It was hard for me to even listen to these songs then because it made my entire being ache. Yet, of course, cause I loved the pain, I did and anguished in it to paralysis. Most of these thoughts no longer resonate with me, to a surprising extent, but am attempting to pay respects to the pinnacle and hopefully, the conclusion of a long year+ of distress. Here goes, Limbo. 

 8/12/2020 

_______________________________________________________________________

Good News – Mac Miller 

I spent the whole day in my head Do a little spring cleanin' I'm always too busy dreamin' Well, maybe I should wake up instead A lot of things I regret, but I just say I forget Why can't it just be easy?

I think this sums up my days better than any of my own words can. These couple of weeks have been exactly this—spending whole days in my head (doing little else sometimes gleefully, sometimes woefully) attempting some “spring cleaning,” then going on some tangent on things I should fix in my life, attempting to constructively go down memory lane, then things getting too much and wondering the forever questions, “why can’t it just be easy?” 

Regret has become a salient gateway word into my life these past two years, not always consistently, but at least with some regularity. It feels especially shocking cause it really had so little presence prior to this. I suppose, some may say that before a certain age, there are no real consequences to one’s actions, hence, no need for regret. But under that logic, I don’t think at 26, I’m that old either, so I wonder what happened at 24 that began this trajectory. It seems extremely fitting that I couldn’t finish the blog post for “Mistakes” in May 2018, because to be frank, since then, a tinge (or more) of regret has persisted in my days. There have been some lateral moves for sure, but never a vertical move past the regret. Continuing on this thread of analyzing my own past actions, it also appears fitting that I started that 2018 playlist with Unhappy by Outkast/ Big Boi because regret rings profoundly (maybe only) when you’re unhappy with your current state. You don’t see a happy woman ruminating on a thought exercise of what could’ve been. At the time, I included the song based on feeling, (as with everything on this blog), but never really discussed it. 

Might as well have fun 'cause your happiness is done When your goose is cooked

I suppose this was pretty much how I lived my life this past year. I’m trying not to say it as a bad thing, cause it isn’t necessarily, and I have a tendency to romanticize tribulations. I had a lot of fun, even though at moments I got pretty millennial REKT in the process. It’s less the fact that I had fun (and was very healthy (physically)! Which I am grateful for), but that I had little else. I didn’t feel very fulfilled or feel like I knew myself, or my values, or even what I wanted. I lived nonchalantly, maybe even a little numbed, and got wrapped up in a LOT of distractions. Admittedly, it was nice in the moment to care about such light things, to not have to deal with so much heaviness. I remember reveling in it, in my personal conversations and on this blog as well. 

Yeah Right by Joji is my past year in LA told from the perspectives of cynics (aka Me). It’s a simple, almost grossly millennial song. Despite the extremely self deprecative lyrics, I love how the melody feels like a calming, boppy afterthought. There are moments in the track where you’re just super down in the dumps, but also moments when you’re singing with a lopsided, wry, self-taunting smile on your face. 

 Yeah Right – Joji 

Imma fuck up my life    We gon party all night She don’t care if I die  Yeah I bet you won’t try  But you know I don’t mind 

I don’t think my motives were ever as extreme or bleak as “imma fuck up my life” but the general sentiment rings true. There was definitely a pervasive detachedness to my days, and a total lack of “trying”.  And a lack of minding over that fact. 

Yeah, you know I feel right Yeah, you living right now She don't ever pick sides

I unfortunately discovered Joji during the small insanity of quarantine, and of course blazed through all his interviews. I hadn’t fully realized how not picking sides in my life and going along with the flow belied a sense of numbness or ambivalence. This is so how I’ve been feeling/ felt about so many aspects of my life—career, relationships, values, lifestyle. I couldn’t choose anything because nothing pulled at me. I remember telling a friend that I’m at a point of ambivalence where if I had two research projects I would not be able to pick which one to pursue because they would feel all the same to me. I feel almost no sense of what interests me.

Yeah, you bet I go to see you when I'm feeling like a drum without a beat Yeah, you dance so good And I think that's kinda neat

I am/was truly a drum without a beat, just noticing some insignificant thing of slight interest and noting “that’s kinda neat.” Really not a reason to go after a girl/ relationship in the slightest, but I get how it’s all that could be mustered at the moment. And then you shrug and run with it. 

 Another millennial moment of wisdom from Joji about this song:  

It’s not productive but it’s not destructive. And that’s how a lot of people get stuck, in relationships and in life in general. 

This was exactly what was happening during the year. I was not productive AT ALL, but I was still passing, still technically going through the motions, going through the hoops. Life was happening. And I was stuck. 

What you know about love? What you know about life? What you know about blood? Bitch, you ain't even my type

Honestly not super sure how it relates, but to these lines. Joji explains:  

I mean, the way I see life is like, no-one’s special. You’re not born special, if you’re lucky you’re given a certain set of skills and a certain set of resources and you run with them, and then everyone dies. So as long as they know that, and they’re not thinking in a God’s plan sort of way... So just stuff like that

This was interesting as this summer as I was trying to figure out my path and my direction, and grappling with whether I wanted to try to pursue things that I thought I should/ kinda wanted for extraneous reasons/ seemed practical and logical and well desired vs. what I may be better at/ what I knew I wanted before. And there was definitely this idea of a (lost) calling, a larger cosmic reason that I had blindly chosen this much harder and guilt-inducing path. Something that may make it all make sense. I was extensively looking back on my past self and aspirations. I felt like I had forcibly given up things that made me me without gaining the practical traits I had so envied in others; I had become a boring medical student who wasn’t even super productive nor good at medicine. I was obsessed with this idea of a passion, this abstract thing that I seemed to have perhaps had the inklings of at a certain point, but seemed to have lost entirely, all after having sacrificed much to pursue it. It was refreshing to see someone who is an artiste (hohoho) saying these things, since (successful) artists seemed to be the only people who were truly special or passionate enough in what they did, in that they had risked so much stability, and had made it. 

Returning to the song, I love how all these serious questions are raised only to be followed up by a super petty “bitch you ain’t even my type.” And indeed, my many deep queries have no conclusions and I find myself returning to the minutiae of daily life.  

Back to Good News. The utter exhaustion and endless circle of rumination on past days, a desire to fix the pattern, slight hope, and inevitable resignation Mac sings of make me close my eyes to take a deep breath. His tracks from Circle capture so well the fluctuating inner thought processes of those who are struggling to dig themselves out of something beyond their control:

When it ain't that bad It could always be worse I'm running out of gas, hardly anything left Hope I make it home from work Well, so tired of being so tired Why I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?   I'm no liar, but Sometimes the truth don't sound like the truth Maybe 'cause it ain't I just love the way it sound when I say it   But I heard that the sky's still blue, yeah I heard they don't talk about me too much no more And that's a problem with a closed door   Then I'll finally discover That it ain't that bad, ain't so bad

The coexistence of heaviness and hope is what I’ve always loved about Mac. I’m obsessed with duality, contradictions, and being conflicted because I think it’s what I have so struggled with for my young adult life (Joji also mentions this is a driving force behind his songs). Also, I think inconsistencies are just something that is so humanizing about people. It’s no wonder that my favorite works of art attempt to dissect or observe dualities—The Unbearable Lightness of Being; the esoteric song by the lead singer of a small Korean indie band that I had to pay 50 cents to download and save on my desktop cause it wasn’t on youtube (it is now huzzah). A minor tangent, in the aforementioned song Jo Woong implores someone to tell him what he did wrong because he sure as hell can’t figure it out. And a line that has stayed with me for years: Aren’t people’s fronts and backs inherently different? Or is it just me that’s lacking something... It’s a play on a Korean saying, but it points out the inconsistencies in people in an aching plea for understanding and sympathy. It’s what too many plagued, conflicted individuals are hoping for. 

내가 뭘 그렇게 잘못했는지 모르겠어요 누가 내 잘못 안다면 얘기 좀 해줘요  사람이 원래 앞뒤가 맞지가 않잖아요? 아니면 나만 이렇게 모자란가요  

When I listen to Mac with a clear head, aka not in the throes of depression, I hear the hope in his voice and lyrics. It strikes me and warms my heart even more because I know that the hope has shined through despite the darkness. But when I’m on the other side of the equation, I hear how deep the sadness and pain is, and how the hope is not enough to overcome that. It’s almost worse because I know the hope exists, and yet I can’t get there. It feels like a failure. 

Everybody- Mac Miller 

Everybody's gotta live And everybody's gonna die Everybody just wanna have a good, good time I think you know the reason why   Yeah, sometimes the goin' gets so good Yeah, but then again, it get pretty rough

The fatalism of this song coupled with Mac’s slight falsetto embodies a type of pain that is ineffable. The back and forth of things being good and rough reminds me of an addled and empty-eyed shrug.

Surf – Mac Miller

And the days, they go by Until we get old There's water in the flowers, let's grow People, they lie But hey, so do I Until it gets old There's water in the flowers, let's grow   Yeah, well Sometimes I get lonely Not when I'm alone But it's more when I'm standin' in crowds That I'm feelin' the most on my own And I know that somebody knows me I know somewhere there's home I'm startin' to see that all I have to do is get up and go

Surf speaks more quietly of possibility even during dark times. The faint sense of having known at a certain point that someone knows you and gets it, and that you could feel at peace again, like in a home of sorts. The desire to grow, the slight feeling that maybe, it we let go (of societal perceptions, of greed, expectations?), something could change. But in the here and now, it’s just a sense and not a reality. A hypothetical thought that has not yet passed the threshold for action:

Gotta get goin', goin', goin' before I'm gone

A break from the melancholy for a throwback to myself, which made me chuckle as well as feel a sense of wistful nostalgia. This short and sweet track seems like the perfect modern-day ode to me. My conflicted state of being in awe of and yearning after impractical aestheticism but simultaneously being terrified of and slightly disgusted by the indulgence and recklessness of art and its values has led me to eschew it as a profession but try to implicate myself in it in other ways. I think one of the slightly problematic ways this has manifested is not pursuing art in my own life, but seeking to be a muse in other’s’ artful endeavors. I’ve definitely probably contributed to the problematic male gaze I’ve written papers on, but in all vulnerable honesty, that is how I’ve been in the past. The redeeming qualities of Kota’s muse reminded me of the past, some of the qualities that I had prided in myself. I woefully feel as though I have lost all these qualities--Doing my own thing, riding my own wave, not being affected by others’ values, particularly the more superficial ones, being grounded, reading (hah, but never self help), low-key taking care of my life, knowing what I want.  

She – KOTA the friend 

She do her own thing, she ride her own wave Only twenty people on the 'Gram that she followin' Only post work, she ain't tryna be a model chick She believe in white wine, feet up on the ottoman Low-key, got her own business and she mindin' it If she get your number, you'll be lucky if she lock it in She hella grounded, but the plane trips to BnB stay booked Told me I should read the Four Agreements, it's a great book Cracked a little smile and she threw me back the same look, yea 

Slowing it down, this song sounds like a warm afternoon sunset on a lake in New Hampshire that’s not even sad. Which is rare for me since I find sunsets heart-wrenchingly empty most days.

Hand Me Downs – Mac Miller 

Get away to a place where the lakes such a great view Leave the bank, couple hunnid thou' I made it, but I hate once I build it I break it down Might just break me down   And all I ever needed was somebody with some reason who can keep me sane Ever since I can remember I've been keeping it together but I'm feeling strange

As long as I could remember, this is what I wanted. Yet in recent months, I’ve felt so confused about what I want. I’ve been feeling strange, and things don’t seem right, with no proper conclusion:   

Get away when it ain't really safe and it don't seem right But what's new? You get used to the bullshit, the screws they go missing It's likely they might be but...

I almost wish that there was something I distinctly missed, since that would at least show that I cared about something. But to be fair, wanting the wrong things have led me down many wrong turns in the past, so maybe this blank slate is not so bad. I’m so very unsure of what I want, but I suppose I just need to keep it up and act like I do* want something. That’s been the conclusion for this past year. It’s sometimes nice and fine, sometimes so difficult, and I’m in the latter end of the spectrum now, but perhaps it’ll click eventually. In the meantime, the detached voice of Giveon soothes me that I’m not only lost soul goin back and forth on the lost young adult pendulum:  

Like I Want You – Giveon  

I guess I'll just pretend until it all makes sense   Like I want you You, ooh, ooh Even if it's true, ooh (Even if it's true)

Early-ish July 2020  

[recommendedlisten]

The pattern of new music this past week was wonderfully all over the place, from the hardened edged escapism of Regional Justice System and the wickedness of Trash Talk, the idiosyncratic pop of Sad13 saving the world, No Age’s head full of daze, Wicca Phase offshoot Pay for Pain’s gothic indie rock gatekeeping, the Spirit of the Beehive experimenting with opening the door to new outer limits, Julianna Barwick spiriting a state of peace, and Arca tempting time. Meanwhile, newly minted Recommended Buzz band Ohmme are redefining art rock.

Here’s the best of the rest from the week of May 17th, 2020…

Field Medic - “better way” [Run for Cover Records]

Helping getting us through the quarantine has been The Field Medic Show, a YouTube series featuring a glimpse into the world of San Fran-based paisley country songwriter Kevin Patrick and friends. It’s produced the singles “talkin johnny & june (your arms around me)”, featuring Great Grandpa’s Alex Menne, and more recently, the warm, busking “-h​-​o​-​u​-​s​-​e​-​k​-​e​-​y​-​z-”. On Field Medic’s latest single “better way”, Patrick wants to let you know that everything’s gonna be alright through a tendril finger-picked ballad. “Remember that this is your life / So feeling fine is the better way,” he sings. It may be hard to hope right now, but strength doesn’t need to sound mighty. Patrick’s delicate reflection will do.

better way by Field Medic

Healing Potpourri - “Laney” [Run for Cover Records]

The recent Recommended Buzz band Healing Potpourri are readying the release of their Run for Cover Records debut Blanket of Calm, due out on june 12th, and during these anxiety-ridden times, the San Francisco band’s chillaxed indie-pop has provided comfort in the sun. To date, the band has shared two listens in “Thinking of Us” and its LP’s title track. It’s latest, “Laney”, writes a love story’s history from a distance, as vocalist and guitarist Simi Sohota fantasizes on what something could be. “I’m in love with a girl, and she goes to community college / I like her style, I could see us hanging out for a while,” he sings. “Relax, it’s gonna be great.” Because sometimes you need to get to lost in the daydream.

Lavender Diamond - “Look Through the Window” [Petaluma Records]

Lavender Diamond were their own spiritual force within the Aught’s freak folk scene, and the project, led by Los Angeles-based songwriter Becky Stark, was to make an even greater comeback this spring on the road opening for the now-cancelled-and-postponed Bright Eyes dates. Stark hasn’t released any new music as Lavender Diamond in eight years, but presumably there is something on the way, as she’s released a new single entitled “Look Through the Window.” The listen is decorated by beautifully ornate arrangements provided by Bright Eyes’ Nate Walcott on trumpet and Sasami on French horn. Stark says it “had come to speak to this moment of trial and transformation -- and contained within it a prayer for the healing of our world.” People who’ve given up on church, but miss the singing will feel whole after giving Stark’s enduring hippie folk faith a try. She also directed its animated visuals.

Matt Berninger - “Serpentine Prison” [Book Records]

The National’s Matt Berninger began discussing his debut solo effort Serpentine Prison last fall in interviews. We now know that the album will arrive on October 2nd through Book Records, an imprint he formed alongside the album’s famed producer Booker T. Jones under the Concord Records label. The album’s first single& “Serpentine Prison” is a familiar version of Berninger’s deep thoughts songwriting, minus the National’s singularly brooding cityscape and instead backed by an organic arrangement of fingerpicked guitars and raw composures. “Total submission, I've seen a vision / Everyone's screaming, I've been daydreaming,” he sings with a lull in his gaze. Berninger’s brother Tom, who directed the National documentary Mistaken For Strangers, helmed its live studio visuals.

Phoebe Bridgers - “I See You” [Dead Oceans]

Punisher, the highly anticipated sophomore effort from sad rock songwriter Phoebe Bridgers, arrives this June, and has already won the world over through the wit and craft of its first two singles, the ghosted “Garden Party” and timelining a bad relationship with exuberance across the sea on “Kyoto”. The album’s latest preview “I See You” is a middle-ground between those two fashions that opens the window to orchestral arrangements as Bridgers puddles over the breakup up with her ex-boyfriend and drummer. There’s a heart helping of self-flaming, but also some comical fire aimed at the dude’s mom (”I hate your mom / I hate it when she opens her mouth / It’s amazing to me how much you can say when you don’t know what you’re talking about.”) Until Punisher arrives, you can also check out the 1975′s new album Notes On a Conditional Form, in which Bridgers guests throughout.

#the best of the rest #songs #field medic #healing potpourri #lavender diamond #matt berninger #the national #phoebe bridgers #new music & videos #new music and videos

[hudsonmemories]

That Time in Quarantine

As I listen to my classmates speak about their worries of having to stay in isolation, I realize that I actually can’t relate. In fact, I’ve rather enjoyed having a “break” from going to a building that I am still not 100% comfortable being in, even in my senior year.

I may be bias as I have grown accustomed to being a homebody my whole life, but I think online education has worked better for me, and it has given me more time to work on my mental health. Of course, it has occurred to me that many feel differently from me, and this isolation period could have a highly negative effect of my peers’ mental health, so my following opinion is strictly limited to myself.

My heart goes out to everyone who is struggling due to the inability to work and those who do not have a safe place to stay, which is what I am mostly worried about. I know those in the class of 2020 are especially heartbroken because we were forced to miss prom, graduation, and the last couple months of our high school experience, but I feel as though this is especially the time for us to focus on what we have to be grateful for rather than what we have lost.

I don’t mean to belittle my classmates’ concerns, because I do feel for them, but we shouldn’t rush back into going to parties or hanging out with friends. Instead, we should take the precautions we have to take now, so we don’t have to for even longer in the future.

I hope everyone reading this is safe and healthy. I know it may be hard, but please, try to make the most of this situation!

[muddyhippo]

Blog Post- April 3, 2020

I’ve been informed by friends of mine who called to check on me today immediately after reading my previous blog post that it was, in a word, depressing. My response? Well, we are living through an incredibly depressing and traumatic experience. One that will go down in history as such. This landscape is incredibly scary and previously uninhabited. But since I so egregiously covered the negatives in my last post, I wanted to pick up where I left off with the upside to this whole shelter in place, socially distant, self-isolating, try not to use your hands or breathe... ever, crazy pandemic thing, if there actually is one to be found. The better world part. The part where we must do what needs to be done, what begs to be done. The part where we actually start living awake and expressive instead of sleepwalking like zombies with our face in our phones. The part where hope enters. Right now, in our homes, we are doing things we have never, ever done before. Out of boredom? Probably. Out of pure insanity? Yes! Regardless, we are doing them. Things like... baking brownies with our kids at 9 pm because bedtime is pointless right now, dancing in the living room in our pajamas after dinner because there are no ballgames, or ballet classes, or board meetings to go to. Video chatting with our adult siblings that we haven’t really talked to in years because they live so far away just to talk for hours about nothing. Singing to an onslaught of nameless Facebook members in a karaoke group at 2 am because it feels good. Reconnection. Exercising on decks in unison with strangers. Having social distance parking lot parties. Writing notes and delivering food. Helping those that need us. This isn’t an accident. This is, whether we know it or not, by grand design. I believe that. I spoke a lot in my last blog about faith. Moreover, my lack of it right now. There is a lot about what is going on that is absolutely horrible and devastating to us as a society. Just see my last blog post for more information on that. But there is a lot about what is going on right now that is miraculous and healing for our world. Isn’t the yin and yang of all things really odd and awesome at the same time? Think of a time where a bad thing happened where there wasn’t at least a silver lining. A sliver of hope. A lesson. A chance to redeem yourself. A metamorphosis. Hard to do, isn’t it? That is because it is meant to be. It is this way for a reason. It’s a fact of life. Just google the lyrics to the theme song for the 80′s TV sitcom “Facts of Life” and it will say that very thing. Even basic physics outlines this property of existence. Newton’s third law states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. With every interaction, there is a pair of forces acting on it. It’s the premise for every movie, the outline for every story and the message in most lyrics. Good and Evil. Dark vs Light. Happy and Sad. The miracle lies in the madness, not on the other side of it. We have to learn to see the miraculous events happening right now that we often miss because we are so hyper-focused on the devastation. That is what faith is. And not just our faith in God, but also a constant reminder of His unending faith in us. All of these things we are doing right now to pass the time, they aren’t just things. They are what makes us worth saving! They are all the things we should have been doing all along but were too busy to think about. This is a cleansing. It is forcing us back to our basic human selves. Healing us one day at a time. We are all equal at this moment. No one is above or below anyone else. Everyone is vulnerable. Everyone needs someone to help them. Everyone needs to connect. It is a basic necessity. And bringing us back to basics is exactly what we need right now, regardless of how we are getting there. The world as we knew it has changed and will never be the way it was ever again. But I think it’s really important for us to examine what is changing so that we can understand where we went off the tracks so we don’t do it again. Think of all the ways we have had to adapt in light of shutdowns, self-isolation, social-distancing, online learning, working from home and the list goes on. Isn’t it funny how these restrictions have freed us up to do so many of the things we made excuses for not having time to do before? And on the other hand, isn’t it just enraging how our current situation has exposed the open wound of inequity that our leadership, our government and our society as a whole, has tried to band aid for centuries...??? See, yin and yang. Think about it! In our current educational system, for starters, our school teachers are being forced by their districts and states, in many cases, to teach on a platform they weren’t trained on, with devices they aren’t skilled with, to students with colossal variances in ability level, who may or may not even have access to those devices or the ability to comprehend the online curriculum, by untrained parents who are now being forced to work from home, not work at all, or sacrifice their health at low paying jobs because they are now considered essential, when 2 months ago they couldn’t even get a decent wage and still can’t, even though their lives are on the line every day, only to then come home and have to set up classrooms in their homes, in order to keep their children from regressing in their education, all while trying to maintain some semblance of order and structure, not to mention, safety, while attempting to care for the social-emotional and physical well-beings of those children. And, since schools have become more about feeding hungry children then providing them with a quality education that prepares them for the 21st century, teachers, parents and volunteers are also being asked to provide meals to those students for free so that they don’t starve to death during this shutdown, further jeopardizing their health and taking away from their own familial obligations.  Oh and let us not forget where our students with special needs fit into all this. Oh, that’s right. Their rights are being “waived” away like a fly on a sandwich because they just don’t matter enough to anybody. And that, my friends, is just one system currently in place where the cracks are beginning to crevasse. Now, tell me... is there anyone that wants things to keep going the way they are??? Not convinced yet that this is the time to start doing something? Let’s take on healthcare then, shall we? Admittedly, this is not my area of expertise but I’ll take a stab at it. In our current healthcare system, people are getting sick by the thousands per day, going to doctors they can’t afford, because of health coverage they don’t have because that health insurance is tied to employment that they are losing due to being considered nonessential,  to get medicine they also can’t afford, or being put in hospitals completely overrun with patients, to be put on a waitlist if they’re lucky, for equipment that isn’t available, by doctors that are substantially overworked, or being sent home to get worse and die, or die in the hospital,quarantined from loved ones who, may or may not, also get sick due to lack of PPE. Oh, I’m sorry, almost forgot about the policies in place at some, if not all, hospitals, outlining which patients are more important and should be the first in line to receive said medical equipment should it arrive in time. Still not convinced? Ok, let’s talk politics. We watch news programs influenced by the powers that be to use scare tactics to get the general public to panic buy in order to generate more money into the economy, and more fear in the impoverished American people, while the President tweets about winning and barks orders at companies, while generating hatred and racist actions against every minority you can think of, all while lying to the general public about the status of the virus and using hope as a weapon of mass destruction in every press conference just to get your vote in November. And don’t even get me started on Pelosi and Devos. Not sold yet???? Ok, employment. Tied to healthcare, first of all. Which as a person with a disability, I find that to be terrifying. What am I going to do when I can no longer work? Go on SSI Disability and barely make enough to feed myself? No thanks, I’ll pass. But that is the reality. I keep going and I keep working despite my health setbacks or I don’t have anything. Millions of Americans are in the same boat.Teachers who are right now busting their collective asses to save our educational system barely make enough to get by in a system monitored by administrators and school officials who have barely spent ten minutes in a real classroom with a real child. Being forced to teach to standards that have nothing to do with how children learn but more to do with the bubbles on a spreadsheet in May which scores count toward school funding and teacher evaluations. One guess which schools get most of that money....????  People who have lost their jobs because of this pandemic are being forced to go on unemployment. Doctors and nurses on the frontlines are being asked to put their lives on the line. Why? Because, at the tender age of 18, they chose that career  and we let ourselves think that that is a good enough justification for their sacrifice, while the rest of us sit at home and complain about having to stay indoors. Essential business owners and employees are also putting their lives at risk for minimum wage or lower. Why? Because we, as a society, have a skewed view of who is more important. We pay celebrities millions and millions of dollars and where are most of them right now?... on YouTube and TikTok!!!!  Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying the arts are not important. I am not saying entertainment and creativity is not essential to survival. As a singer and performer myself, I know it is. I am simply pointing out the imbalance of our thinking. And last but certainly not least, how about our system of security/law enforcement? No injustice there, right? You cannot watch a video thread from the past 5 years without seeing some blurry, shaky footage of cops allegedly doing something to someone illegally or of someone saying that cops are being racist, or profiling or groups of people resisting law enforcement. And while we are on the subject of police, do I need to address ICE and the situation at the border??? If that is not enough evidence for you to see that God is trying to tell us that we need to change things, then I don’t know what will convince you. No wonder people are absolutely panicked at the thought of a virus... all of our systems set up to make us feel safe and secure are just mirages. Smoke and mirrors. Put in place and operated by people who, for centuries, have worked tirelessly to promote one simple lie... I am better than you. More worthy than you. More deserving than you. These mantras have been embedded in every single person on this planet at some level. These learned falsehoods, these biases, motivate and drive every decision we make. Don’t think so? Go check your refrigerator right now and see what is in there. Is it name brand or store brand? Go check your closet... High end or thrift or somewhere in between? What about toilet paper? Soap? Those priceless essentials that everyone is hoarding right now. Why do name brand products cost more? Why do they taste better, feel better, work better? Why can I get a coke cheaper than a water? Or a burger cheaper than a salad? Why does my wheelchair cost 13,000 dollars but I can’t even use the bathroom on a plane and probably wouldn’t get a chance at a ventilator should I need one? Do you have the latest iphone? So do I. Does it work better? Probably... sure does cost more too, but I can call and text the same on a much cheaper phone, but I chose this one. Why? Because it’s better. I’m just as guilty as anyone. Our entire infrastructure is set up to promote certain groups of people to succeed and others to fail. Everything is tied to money. The scriptures say... For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows (1 Timothy 6:10). To be clear, having money is not bad, loving it is. Obsessing over it is, and judging and keeping others from prospering is... and that is the problem that needs fixing. You think things are bad right now? Things have been bad for a while. We just were too busy to care. Now we aren’t, so what are we going to do about it? If we do nothing, then all of this was for nothing. Here is our chance to take a collective breath, indoors, under a mask of course, and push the reset button on these policies and procedures that are set up to keep people down. With all of this going on, God still has faith in us that we can fix this. Don’t believe me? You know as well as I do that God could snap his fingers just like Avengers Endgame and all of us would be gone just like that. So yeah, I still have faith. However broken my hallelujah is at the moment, I still sing it. Because I know He is there. I know we can do better. And I know He wants us to figure this out before it really is too late. So... How do we make a better world? How do we actually do that? What does that look like? Is it possible? Yes, I believe it is. I have based my entire career on it. I live my life by it. And I believe we can achieve it in one word... EQUITY! Stay tuned, in my next post we will dissect this word, what it means, and how it can fix everything. Stay well! Keep the faith and love one another!

[damajority]

DaMajority Fresh Article https://www.damajority.com/address-to-the-nation-on-covid-19-leader-of-the-opposition-hon-philip-j-pierre/

ADDRESS TO THE NATION ON COVID 19 | Leader of the Opposition Hon Philip J. Pierre

  ADDRESS TO THE NATION ON COVID-19

By Hon. Philip J. Pierre

Leader of the Opposition

SUNDAY 15th March, 2020.

  My fellow Saint Lucians, good night. 

The announcement on Friday 13th March, that Saint Lucia had recorded its first case of the COVID-19 virus who arrived in the country on 7th March and then another announcement on Saturday, evening of a second case has caused great concern and fear about the real threat posed to our people. 

  The Labour Party has championed and will continue to advocate strongly on healthcare matters and we have done the same on COVID-19 despite criticism and political banter in certain circles. In such crises, honesty and transparency are paramount. People need to be engaged openly and regularly so that they will have confidence and trust in the process. 

  On Thursday, the Prime Minister telephoned me to discuss the situation and we met and had an exchange of views.  The Opposition was invited to the first meeting of NEMAC and we are due to attend the second on Monday morning. Last night I received a call from the Cabinet Secretary to attend the stakeholders’ meeting at 3pm today.  The Saint Lucia Labour Party will attend.

The Saint Lucia Labour Party stands ready to support all meaningful efforts to prevent the spread of Covid-19 in Saint Lucia. I urge the Government to put together a Covid-19 Special Task Force involving Government agencies, the Opposition, Civil Society, Churches, health professional bodies to provide guidance and oversight. 

I urge all to listen to the Chief Medical Officer as she is the authority on such matters at this time. At the same time, the Chief Medical Officer must be fully empowered and resourced to take decisions quickly, communicate speedily and accurately and manage a modern command and control centre.

I wish to share with you tonight some of the recommendations that I will be proposing at the NEMAC meeting tomorrow morning and our perspectives on the way forward for our country.  

TRAVEL ADVISORIES & RESTRICTIONS

The first and most immediate step which must be taken is to ensure that travel restrictions are placed on countries worst affected with the virus. This has already been applied by many Caribbean countries which do not even have confirmed COVID-19 cases. The Saint Labour Party strongly recommends to the Government that additional travel advisories be applied on all persons with a travel history from the United Kingdom, the United States of America and all affected European countries. Persons from these countries should be discouraged from travelling to Saint Lucia at this time.  These should be reviewed regularly. Facilities for the quarantining of persons from potentially infecting others in the population through local transmission are urgently required; but such facilities must be humane, supported by trained and adequately equipped staff who can administer to the needs of those quarantined. 

Returning nationals from countries where travel advisories have been imposed should be properly monitored. We should also close our borders to all cruise ships for the next two months and limit th4 number of ports of entry into Saint Lucia.

  TESTING AND SURVEILLANCE

Essential to the control of our ports of entry and the containment of the disease is the ability and capacity to screen arrivals and quickly test potentially infected persons. Appropriate technologies such as infrared scanning thermometers are required to improve screening. It is said that testing is like turning on the light on the disease. The ability to do testing on-island is crucial in the battle to contain the spread of Covid-19. Widespread testing is vital but costly.  However, when the lives of our citizens are concerned, cost must not a determining factor. Republic of China (Taiwan) has been very successful in containing the virus and the Government should approach Taiwan with a view to procuring the necessary equipment and support that is required. Saint Lucia should also engage the Government of Cuba for assistance with medical support. 

  REDUCING LOCAL TRANSMISSION 

My fellow Saint Lucians, we must do everything in our power to prevent the spread of this disease in our country. For local transmission to be prevented, it re quires ALL of us to practice good hygiene and social distancing. We therefore recommend an immediate suspension of all mass crowd events and large gatherings in the country for the time being. While Carnival is still four months away, the responsible action for the future of the activity in July is to be postponed to later in the year, discuss with the bands, health officials and other players another timing of the event. Businesses such Cinemas would have to practice social distancing in their operations. 

While we welcome the early closure of educational institutions, it would have been better that our form IV and V students would have been going home with their laptops to complete their assignments and SBAs. 

As a responsible organisation, the Saint Lucia Labour Party will suspend all its public meetings and town halls and observe social distancing at smaller internal meetings.

Furthermore, Government should create a corps of sanitation crews with the right equipment to help disinfect busy public places such as public transport, markets, public buildings and the like. The Government should also pursue the installation of hand washing areas to aid in better hygiene. 

We advise businesses to ramp up their sanitation and personal protection efforts – ensure that all staff and trained in keeping surfaces clean.

We must also prepare for the eventuality that we will have to close down the country for at least a short period in order to contain the virus.

Once a case has been suspected, the work of tracing who this person has come into contact with begins. We recommend that the Government communicates honestly and truthfully with the population as to the details on all aspects of the disease generally. The Government must move speedily to ensure that the Hotline is up and manned 24-7 so that persons can quickly give and receive information related to Covid-19. It is essential that there is messaging in Kwéyòl on the disease, particularly for the older segments of our population who are most vulnerable to the virus.

  TREATMENT

We are relieved that after being placed on hold for over three years, the Government may be forced to commission the Owen King-EU Hospital.  We hope that Government will commit the necessary funds to acquire in short order more ventilators, respirators and ICU equipment. Our healthcare system will be stronger in the long run.

The government should also reconsider its position regarding the St. Jude Hospital.

  ACCESS TO GOODS AND FOOD SUPPLY

While it is true that we should prepare for any eventuality including large scale self-quarantining or even self-isolation, the Government must assure the public that there is a sufficient food on island to provide a reasonable amount of cover. The Government must also guard against price gouging of certain items. It would be a good idea for the Government to purchase supplies such as soaps and sanitizers for broad distribution. There must also be special support at this time for those who are most vulnerable (the poor, seniors and persons with disabilities) so that they can access food and other essentials. Now would also be an opportune time to ramp up local food production!

  SUPPORT FOR JOBS & THE ECONOMY  

We must find means to overcome the economic shock particularly on our tourism industry from COVID-19. There will be options available to the Government. The World Bank has already indicated its willingness to support countries in quick time. However, we will require a sizable fiscal stimulus to counteract the loss in tourism revenue. 

Therefore, the Saint Lucia Labour Party will support the Government if it goes to Parliament to break the lockbox which has been collecting airport tax revenue for nearly three years now. We believe it is the only large pool of funds the Government can easily mobilize towards the costs of directly fighting COVID-19 as well as providing the kind of support necessary to businesses, employees and the unemployed. 

We believe that the National Insurance Corporation should play a role in providing “sick leave” benefits to persons who are quarantined, isolated or temporarily lose their jobs.

We must remember that there can be no economy without people.

  CONCLUSION

This, therefore, is a time when we must put all our minds, our ideas and our prayers together to save our country from the disastrous scenarios that we have witnessed elsewhere from a laissez-faire approach to dealing with the virus. Our recommendations are based on consultations and sound advice from medical experts and best practices from other countries that have been affected by the COVID-19.

We must be resilient against this virus. It will take discipline. It will take the giving up of some liberties for a while to secure them for everyone in the future. It will take you changing habits and adopting new social norms. It will take you keeping away from crowds more, and practicing social distancing. It will take all of us to keep an eye on everyone. It will take perseverance.  

That will be an emotionally stressful time, the Saint Lucia Labour Party stands with the people of Saint Lucia. No one should panic. Yet we must be vigilant and take every precaution. 

We shall overcome this but we must all be really in it together. 

I urge the Government to take a bipartisan approach in defeating COVID-19. 

We in the Labour Party are ready! 

Thank you and may God bless Saint Lucia. 

  END. 

  BREAD * JUSTICE * FREEDOM

#Philip J. Pierre