#i hope im infertile ugh. but i agreed to it. even though i only want to adopt. so this is compromise for us.

[holylacydoll]

🖤

#like it really haunted me. i had intrusive thoughts worried about her for like a month and i could barely sleep #my friend told me to stop letting it bother me so much. bc even his sister who these things had happened to didn't act this way. #and idk i cant help it. i lost sleep when my like then 12 year old cousin was assaulted by another cousin who she was close with. #i just. it makes me so sick. but its so much worse when its someone you know personally suffering the way you did. and you cant do anything #i just want to keep all the nice people safe & then castrate & t*rture everyone who's hurt someone i cared for. everyone who's ever hurt #anyone in such an awful way. i really hate violence bc i was ab*sed and 99% of the time will always try to solve things in a clean way but #my blood just absolutely boils and i feel disgusting. i hate anyone who ruins innocence and purity and trust in such a way. they're just #monsters. how can you live with yourself? i hate them. they have no souls. i would personally t*rture them all but i wouldn't kill them. #bc i think they dont deserve death. death is escape. i would want them all to rot in prison for their remaining days & just be hurt. often. #its sick & sadistic of me to want this. but i dont care. i hate them. #in the future alex told me we can adopt a child or two. &i really really want to adopt children who were also victims of abuse. i can't take #the pain of their past away but i just want to help give them a better future. #ideally i wouldn't give birth at all & just adopt but alex wants us to have kids or whatever. #i hope im infertile ugh. but i agreed to it. even though i only want to adopt. so this is compromise for us. #i dont see the point in bringing more life into this cruel world when i could just take in those already victim to it's antics and #try my best to help them instead. but fcking compromise. #i cant help them all and i wish i was dead #why do i have to live in a world like this #i want to die i want to die i want to die i wajt to die #let me leave this fcking shitty world behind i HATE EVERYTHING WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE #i feel the screaming at the top of my lungs & throwing sh*t. i hate the human race with every fiber of my being and im ashamed to exist as #part of it. i wish that earth would get hit by a gamma ray burst and that we'd all die #well no. other animals are good. besides dolphins & other animals that r*pe & stuff. i really hate dolphins. they're considered very smart #but apparently with higher intelligence comes terrible morals? like i want all the sweet animals to live. ones who only kill to survive. #not for fcking sport. lately ive been having crises over my arachnophobia. im so terrified of spiders that i cannot move if one's where i #need to go. but like. spiders are pretty good animals if you think about it and most are harmless. but i still have my brother or cat kill #them for me. i really do this with any bugs. but its so cruel and unfair. to cut an innocent creature's life short bc it scares me. it's #very hypocritical. i get bullied and judged for how i look. yet when i see bugs all logic goes out the window & i do the same to them. #all i can think about is getting it away from me. i think most people view me the way i view spiders. i should sympathize with them and not #judge them for how they look on the outside. but im so scared