#i hope someone digs it up someday just. on happenstance and wonders what the fuck happened here

[rayinberkeley]

"Drinking the Sand"

That's pretty much how I'd sum my love life. This is a line from the movie, the 1995 film, The American President. In it, Michael J. Fox's character, Lewis Rothschild, says:

"People want leadership. And in the absence of genuine leadership, they will listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership, Mr. President. They’re so thirsty for it, they’ll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there’s no water, they’ll drink the sand."

The rather cynical, yet truthful response, comes from the president, Andrew Shepherd, played by Michael Douglas:

"Lewis, we’ve had Presidents who were beloved, who couldn’t find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don’t drink the sand because they’re thirsty, Lewis. They drink it because they don’t know the difference."

That's been me.

There seems to be a reason that Maury Povich has a career, and that's entirely that men refuse to be responsible adults. So goddamned many people never know their father, or at least, are never truly guided by their father. I think the reason the BDSM plays so much with the word "daddy" is because of the absolute desperation so many have to actually know and look up to one.

I didn't know what one looked like. I've always wanted to see what one looked like. And I was so desperate for one that I kept crawling through desserts grabbing whatever would pay me the slightest attention, hoping they'd be that. But honestly, they were mirages. Several couldn't interact in a coherent way of stability with two hands and a flashlight. And I drank sand.

I was drawn to the promise that maybe I'd find something like that. Because trying to meet people is challenging for me. I seem to lack the skill. You may think I don't because I seem normal, but I have no idea how to maneuver through human beings. I can fall for anything. I HAVE fallen for horrible things. I could easily be prone to abuse without seeing it coming. It's scary.

And I don't know how to play the game. People say just go meet people, but it doesn't work like that. You don't go up to people and say, "Hi, let's be friends." They run from that. That scares them. There's some weird game involved, and I don't know how to play it. It's a game with no rulebook. There's no structure involved. It's happenstance. Somehow I always say the wrong thing, if I can bring myself to say anything at all. The end result is no matter what, I end up never coming away with something healthy, or any connection that truly makes me connected with someone. Especially not someone of true worth.

So I crawl through the sands of that dessert, and lately, I can't even find any of those vultures are interested in me. Not even that. Not that I want that. In fact, that's probably a good thing.

I don't understand how any of you do it. I'm simply wired weirdly. Much the same way a dyslexic person is wired differently. And people would tell them to just learn to read, rather than realizing they needed something different than the usual teaching methods. I'm socially dyslexic. I don't get it. "Just go meet people" doesn't work. That's why I hoped for that leadership. That's why I crawled through the dessert so much. But I'm dehydrated now, and I've found nothing to show for it.

If people are tired of hearing me talk about it, that's kind of sad that so many have heard me, yet nothing's happened. That's also how we are. We are the dessert where a person could be screaming for water, and nobody offers a drop. We just say, "I'm sure there's water out there for you." And then we move on.

I'm just saying, there's no leadership. Everyone wants change. Nobody wants to change. And everyone runs away when it's time to step up and lead the change. And it leaves a lot of us at the mercy of the vultures. That's the kind of people we are. So it's no wonder this scene from American President resonates, why we are where we are as a country, and why everyone's bitching about the community, but nobody's doing a fucking thing about it.

We're all standing around, watching each other dehydrate and choke on sand, refusing to dig for water because then we'd have to share it, and nobody wants to do that.

So, for all these people posting to gay kids that if their mom didn't love 'em, they'll be your mom, or if their dad didn't love 'em, they'll be your dad.

My problem with all these posts is that they come from people. On the internet. Let's forget how it was a fad to put "I support the troops" magnets on cars. Where'd all that support go? It was an easy fad. This is too. Vets are dying. None of those people are supporting them. Gay kids will see that. Then they'll try to redeem that promise, and find a people who didn't mean it.

And they don't need another parent disappointing them.

Every time someone promised to be something to me, and then didn't act on that promise, I was crushed all over again. I've been crushed so many times that I'm terrified to try anything.

Don't say it if you don't mean it. Don't pretend you're going to mentor if you don't mean to fucking mentor. Don't say you're going to do something with a person someday if that someday is something you never mean to do... and if you do mean it, YOU come to the person you say it to instead of leaving them to chase after you or wait for you. In fact, just don't say it at all. Just do it if you're gonna or don't do anything like I already know you're going to.

I already know better than to believe in that shit. These kids don't. And I don't want to see them have to be repeatedly crushed like I have been. Don’t be the sand desperate kids drink. Be a leader. My god, please people, step up and be guides and leaders.