Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
16K notes
·
View notes
the idea that the jedi order "should have walked away from the republic because of its corruption" is very reflective of the weird all or nothing style of political thinking that's so trendy on the internet and we could argue all day about at what point is it a good idea to leave a corrupt political system but it's also pretty divorced from the plots of the films and the themes of the saga and the worldbuilding around the jedi because like
the corruption of the republic increases rapidly in the 10 years between tpm and aotc, and during the clone wars, encouraged by palpatine. the increasing corruption due to palpatine is literally a plot point and part of the big villain's plans, not a base setting of the republic. there was certainly corruption and inaction before but it was often challenged successfully - even in tpm, though palaptine engineers the vote of no confidence in valorum, it is passed by the senate majority who clearly find valorum's response to the trade federation's invasion of naboo to not be strong enough. in aotc, even after 10 years of palpatine as chancellor, it is still challenged and seems to have a good chance of being beaten - palpatine feels threatened enough by padmé's anti-military position that he tries to have her assassinated, nearly blowing his whole secret army plot, so it seems like he thought she and the other senators who were against a standing army had a pretty good chance of winning the vote.
the jedi also regularly challenge corruption where they find it - tcw is full of examples of this and that's when the jedi are distracted by a whole galatic war. one of my favourites is mace windu telling a senator he and their whole planet can shove it in defense of the last living zillo beast. but it is also an important plot point in rots that the jedi are investigating palpatine. despite palpatine's best efforts, they were able to find the source of many things getting worse, and they go to arrest him, to cut off the head of the snake. would that have solved all the corruption and issues in the republic? no, but it was a good start and probably would have led to them investigating his connections.
and to those "it doesn't matter that some people were trying, the republic was Too Corrupt and had fallen from grace before the movies even started and there's no hope of it becoming a force for good" arguments, you're missing one of the most vital messages of the whole star wars saga - you can always choose good and you CAN be better than you were. the point isn't trying to cleanse the sins of the past, it's making a better future. but a real chance for better existing is essential, especially in the prequels, where anakin has the potential to turn everything around and do the right thing, but chooses not to (until episode 6). if there was never any hope all along, you've taken the biggest message and the tragedy of anakin completely out of the story. you've nothing left but fun special effects and action pieces without all that.
i never see people argue that padmé and the other senators should have just thrown their hands up and walked away from the republic like they do for the jedi, which is weird because they're explicitly part of the political decision-making process and the jedi are not, though they can give advice. in fact, one of their main roles in the republic is diplomacy, because it's a given that there will be disagreements, trade disputes, and planets happy to fuck over other planets if it suits them. but diplomacy and the idea that these things can be worked out is a core part of the jedi's role and their beliefs. another central belief is their mission to help people, which is why palatine and dooku encourage the the CIS (that acronym makes me laugh every time) to be so over the top evil, like attacking hospitals and developing weapons that target all organic life, to make it impossible for the jedi to ignore all the suffering and just stay out of the war. so in what world would these same people walk away from the republic because it's been a really rough 13 or so years? especially when they're pursuing an avenue (investigating palaptine) that might turn things around? it doesn't really seem like the jedi have "lost their way" by sticking with the republic, like some claim, given what they're doing is very in line with their beliefs, but rather you want them to be fundamentally different characters with radically different beliefs. which is fine, but it means that all your analysis of the jedi is built on what you wish they were instead of what they actually are.
should the jedi have gotten more involved politically? maybe - there's reasons we could argue yes, in that it might help address the causes of issues in the republic rather than just treating the symptoms, and reasons we could argue no, such as how pursuing power, even with the best of intentions, can be dangerous for both jedi and everyone else, given that the jedi could fall to the dark side and there's very little normal people could do to stop them. but that argument is the opposite of "they should have just walked away, the republic was doomed to fail" and has a lot more nuance than "any interaction with any flawed institutions thereby makes them morally bad too".
if you were in their position, would you genuinely believe that walking away would lead to a better overall outcome? or do you just say they should have walked away to maintain some kind of moral purity at the expense of all the good they did and could do?
1K notes
·
View notes
she says he won't let her get a dog, which is fine, because they're in an apartment, and that's the kind of thing people say about their partners. he won't let me get a dog. and you're at a dinner party and you tilt your head a little to the side just like that dog he won't let her get, because is this the thing that's going to upset you? you don't know every corner of their relationship, she could be joking, they could have had so many healthy conversations about the dog, right, and maybe she's not letting herself get the dog because of money and time and whatever. but, like, she did say let
and she wants to move away from his hometown and he wants to stay and then he tells you with a wink and a conspiratorial stage whisper don't worry i'll convince her and she laughs about it - so clearly this is something they laugh about. but you do just stand there and stare at him like what the fuck, man. you can't say what you want to say which is why do you get the final say on everything because they're both obviously aware of the other person's stance on this and have obviously had private conversations about it and what are you going to do about it except make a scene and then he'll be mad at you and call you one of those bitches behind your back and she'll cut you off, which is a loss that doesn't feel worth it just because he makes you a little skeeved out every 3rd comment
and they both agree he just isn't the type to get flowers which is fine because everyone shows love differently, and are you really gonna judge someone based on their sense of individual relationship responsibility? maybe he's constantly cleaning her car and writing her poems and making her furniture or something. maybe she doesn't even like flowers and this is perfect, actually. and no you couldn't date him, obviously, ew; but like, she tells you she's happy. you almost send her a tiktok that says don't be 25 and the cool girl that doesn't need anything, you'll hate not getting flowers at 30, but that's like, starting drama & you shouldn't start drama needlessly.
and you're a little older than her but not so much older you can pull the whole trust me on this one babe thing and besides that wouldn't have worked anyway (when does it ever) and besides you have trauma so you and your therapist both agree that you're always looking for a problem even when there isn't one. and you tell yourself that just because you see them for 15 minutes every month does not mean you can identify every single red flag based on a single shitty half-joking(?) comment
and besides, what are you going to do? she says i actually wanted another stand mixer but thankfully he stops me when i'm about to spend too much money and you're standing there like are you okay? is this normal? is this just something people say? and again - what are you going to do?
to your therapist you try to language it - it's not, like, any of my business. but sometimes, doesn't it feel like - you should do something. there's got to be something, right? you've tried dropping little hints but they sail right through and you've tried having a single serious conversation and she got upset because why does it matter to you, yes it's different but we're happy, it doesn't need to make sense to you and you're like. really unwilling to push a boundary about it anymore; because the truth is that you know logically it shouldn't matter to you, as long as both parties are happy.
and besides, you've been wrong before. it's just... like, every time you see them both, something else happens, some kind of shiver down your spine like do you even hear each other when you talk. it's their strange, bickering orbit. just the way he's on his phone through dinner or watching sports instead of helping in the kitchen or, fuck, another one of these little throwaway comments he makes about we'll see about that, babe. she laughs when he calls her passions stupid shit and meanwhile she gets him tickets to see the knicks and he tells you well at least she's smart about something and still! it's none of your business.
you say get the dog anyway and she laughs. like, this is is you being funny. and not you saying - no really. get the dog. get the dog and get out of here. pack up and start running.
5K notes
·
View notes
Nico and Percy's dynamic through the series is eternally funny to me, because it's just. like.
Percy's having a constant mental struggle between his fatal flaw of loyalty with a promise he made to Bianca to protect Nico, versus his Big 3 kid desire to maim other Big 3 kids / Poseidon descendant urge to totally maim Nico specifically. He hates Nico so so much. He thinks Nico's annoying and weird at best, and creepy/sketchy when he's older. The only positive thoughts Percy has towards Nico are "He's Bianca's brother and Bianca was my friend and I owe her/He's Hazel's brother and Hazel is my friend and would kill me if I was mean to him," "He's a powerful asset and useful ally (if questionable)," and "He's kinda pathetic and I feel maybe a little bad about it." Percy has multiple occasions throughout the series where he strongly considers - and on one occasionally actually goes through with - throttling Nico.
Meanwhile, Nico is following around Percy like a lost puppy. He explicitly can never bring himself to even dislike anything about Percy no matter how hard he tries. He has a whole bit in BoO where he's mentally going "UGH he's so stupid BUT IT'S ENDEARING HOW DARE HE." He's totally smitten. He's making deals with his dad for Percy. He's making convoluted plans to help Percy stand a chance against Kronos. During the entirety of BoTL it's like he's playing tsundere - "I'm helping NOT PERCY SPECIFICALLY with this quest! Me helping Percy would be SILLY because I DEFINITELY HATE HIM." Then he proceeds to show up to Percy's birthday party to basically ask him on a weird date and spend the entire next book scrambling around trying to help him or protect him or impress him. And Percy could not give less of a shit.
Just. That dynamic is so funny to me. Percy is the founder of the Nico Protection Club in that he's the one they're all protecting Nico from and meanwhile Nico is throwing himself at Percy to the point where the literal god of gay love calls him out on it.
934 notes
·
View notes