#i just crave the agency i feel i have lost

[impala1967dwinchester]

Sam Winchester: Fate

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Fem!Reader

Pov: Reader/Sam

Warnings: Monsters as usual (Dijnn), depression, pregnancy, fighting

Summary: With Y/n on the run, Sam's depression can't help but get the best of him while the fate of his relationship and child hangs in the balance.

WC- 2.677k

A/n- @firefly-graphics for dividers, This is a part 2 of something I wrote nearly a year ago. "Sam Winchester: Running Away" I

Main Master List // Sam W. Master List

It's weird hiding from the Winchester boys. Weirdly, people are so much nicer to me now. The summer sun in Texas is hot on my back as I walk out of the grocery store. I tried my best to settle down and got a small job at a travel agency. I'm renting a small apartment from an old lady who helped me when I first got off the bus in Bay City.

In the past few months, my body has changed in many ways. I have a larger belly and more cravings than I've ever experienced. I talk to my belly almost every night after I calm down from work. I tell them stories about Sam and Dean. I tell them how their father is a hero, how he's saved the world, and how he has taken my heart with his bright, kind smile.

Like clockwork, every night, there's a message from Sam asking me if I'm doing alright, or begging me if I can just respond. It breaks my heart, but no matter what, I can't bring myself to type back a message. It didn't take long after I walked out of the bunker to know that I was walking away from the person that I love and that my home was disappearing into the background of the Kansas sunset.

Yet I couldn't bear to walk back into the bunker; somewhere in my twisted mind, it told me I had to go. I had to leave it all behind because I wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth the stress, the worry, or anything I might bring down on the Winchester boys.

I thought I had gotten away from it all—the grueling monsters, the death at every corner. I guess I was wrong because one second, I was shopping in a local baby store, and the next, I was somewhere completely different. Some places had air that felt lighter, and some places had my hopes and dreams feel like reality.

There's a warm hand wrapping around my middle. "Good morning, sweetheart." It's a voice I know, a voice I haven't heard in such a long time. One that makes my heart soothe from the racing it's currently doing in my chest. Then, I realize we aren't in the bunker but in a rather nice-looking bedroom. The sound of smaller feet pounding on the ground brings me to look at the doorway. "Anna must be up," Sam says in a whisper, his soft words brushing against my ear and giving me a round of shivers.

Anna comes busting into the bedroom, uncaring to knock on the bedroom door. You think you care but don't after you look at her. Hair as dark as Sams but eyes like yours. A gigantic smile on her chubby cheeks. "MOmmY!" She shouts as she climbs up the bed to get onto your body. You can see Sam out of the corner of your eye. It's a smile you only ever see reserved for you, and you don't know how you managed to be back in his arms and a kid you share together. You're lost in how you got from the store alone pregnant to here in his arms, in bed together with your family.

The feeling stays with you as the day starts, and you watch Sam shift from sweats and a white t-shirt to a pair of shorts and a hawwin shirt. "Aren't you gonna get dressed, baby?" He asks as he catches you staring at him from the bed still. "I… Where are we going?" You ask him, unsure still by the normality of this odd life. "Don't tell me you forgot about the barbecue that Dean invited us to?" He says, a knit-in his brow. You lick your lips and try to think, but there's nothing there, just white clouds that fog your thoughts.

"It's alright if you forgot, babe, just get dressed. It's warm out, so wear that pretty little sun dress you bought a few weeks ago." Sam says as he comes over, planting a kiss on your forehead. "I'm going to get Anna ready, I love you." You stare at the door for a few moments longer, waiting until he's left, and you can hear Sam and Anna talking down the hall. You get up feeling the carpet under your feet and the warmth that radiates through the window.

You do get dressed in the sun dress Sam mentioned. It still had the price tag on it, so you assumed it was the one he was talking about. It fits you perfectly, curved around your hips with ease, and giving everyone who might look at you a perfect display of your breasts. You find a nice pair of sandals and make your way towards the echos of voices.

"There she is," Sam says, happiness and warmth seeping from the kitchen. Anna turns around whipping her head in your direction, she too is dressed in a sundress pinks and purples mixed together with her hair up in braids. "You look good, Mommy," Anna says as she comes over, hugging your leg. You breathe it all in, getting deeper and deeper into it. You aren't sure still unsure how you managed to get here, but you can't say you're mad about it.

The ride to Deans is off, but everything is off for you. Sam can sense it; one hand from the wheel comes to the rest of your exposed knee. "You doin' alright, honey?" he asks, worry laced in his words. You shake your head, giving him more to worry about, but you don't know. All you can think of is the tiny giggles coming from the back seat.

Anna is watching something on a tablet, and her smile glows from whatever she's watching. "Come on, honey. You can talk to me about anything," Sam says, trying to trigger the conversation to continue. "I know, Sam. I'm just trying to be in the moment." You say, and that's the reality of it. Because this moment and the one this morning had been everything you were dreaming about.

"Dean, I just know something is wrong!" I say to my brother as I continue to stare at my phone. The text messages aren't even being read anymore. At least when Y/n was reading them, I knew she was safe; I knew that she was doing alright. I can hear the sigh of frustration fall from my lips as I put the phone back down the library table. "Sam, we can't do anything if she doesn't want us to," Dean says, trying to support both of us.

I lift my head, staring angrily at my brother. "I don't give a shit anymore. I don't care why she ran away. I don't care at all. I just want her back in my life. Now I'm pretty sure Charlie can figure out where she is." I huff out. With a grunt and shake of his head, he's got his phone beside his ear, calling our good friend Charlie.

I can hear the slight argument between Dean and Charlie as I sit, waiting for a quick answer. "I know, but can you just help us. Y/n hasn't been reading." Dean says, looking over at me. "She hasn't been looking at Sam's messages. Can you just give us a location so we can restart this?" Dean finishes. There's mumbling on the other side of the phone, but then I see Dean hidden. "Okay, text that to me, Charlie. Thank you," he says and then drops the phone from his cheek.

ASnxeity has set in when we get to where Y/n has been staying for the past few months. Her car is there, but the door to her apartment is cracked open; my blood runs cold, and just like that, I'm set on finding her. Dean tries to calm me and reminds me that not everything is terrible. She might just be doing something, like taking out the trash.

I glare at him and bring my gun from my hip to sweep through her apartment. Baby books and a few baby clothes are in the living room. Her bedroom is perfect as if she had never made it home. "Is she just taking out the trash now, Dean?" I snark at him, "I was trying to help. So… we have to work this like a case now?" Dean questions, I nod, and just like that, I'm searching for Y/n all over again.

Dean is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, and the kids run all over the house. His wife easily kisses his cheek, and he holds her close to his side. "Uncle De!" Anna screams, and Dean smiles broader and brighter than you've ever seen him. "Hey, kiddo," Dean says warmly as he picks her up and puts her on his hip. "You guys made it." Dean's wife says, and she comes over to give you a hug.

"What about us, baby girl?" a stranger asks. When I turn, I'm struck by the Winchesters' parents—happy, healthy, and very much alive. "Hey, Dad," Sam says happily, hugging his father and wrapping his mother tightly. You watch as the day goes on with absolute ease. Dean talks about adding a new portion to the Winchester auto shop; John lights up with joy at the idea of more business and growth for the business he's known since he was a young adult.

Sam holds you close to his chest as you two dance in the yard, the sky turning purple and orange. You rest your head on his chest and let the movement of your feet guide you into contentment. "You know I love you, right?" Sam asks you as his large hands hold your waist and back. You hum, but you are not willing to open your closed eyes. "And you know you are everything I've ever wanted, right? No matter what happens between the two of us, I'll always want you." Sam says you can feel the tears brimming in your lashes.

"I know Sam." Your voice cracks and gives away the way tears are threatening to fall. "I love you too." As you lift onto your tiptoes in the cool grass, you mutter back and press a needy kiss to his lips. You two are sadly interrupted by John. "Anna is sleeping; if you wanna, you guys can come to pick her up tomorrow." John offers, and Sam pulls me closer. "Thanks, Dad." He tells his dad, then turns to me, "Let's go home." You nod and take his hand in yours.

"What did I fucking tell you!?" I knew she was in trouble; I knew something was wrong. To be the cherry on top, she's pregnant, and she's been taken for whatever fucking reason. "It's just a dinner. We've dealt with enough of them to know the deal," Dean says. I slam the trunk of the baby shut, my molars grinding as I look at the depleted cave that's currently holding my girl and baby prisoner in a fake world.

Of her own imagination.

The silver blade drips all over the ground as I enter the cave. The dark walls hold secrets and horror that I hope and wish Y/n would never experience. It's all a blank somewhere between entering the cave and getting to Y/n. The only thing I feel is the splatter of blood onto my face and my eyes searching for that beautiful face.

She doesn't look like she's been there for too long, but her arms hang above her head, her belly prodding out. I'm stuck standing still over the djinn. Dripping its own blood back onto the dead man, Dean is quick to get over to Y/n, pulling the attachments out of her arm and pulling her down gently.

"Sam, get your ass over here. We… we are gonna have to take her to the hospital." Dean says, and somewhere in my frozen mind, my legs move to get a closer look at her. Her cheeks are a little sunken, but her face is still full of color. I know why Dean said we would have to take her to the hospital.

It's not too long before the large white building in Texas appears in the Impala's view. "I'm going to stop by the emergency doors to help your girl and that baby get some help. I nod and wait for the red letters to appear. A nurse is already waiting for us, and she takes a view of Y/n. "What happened?" the nurse asks, and for a moment, I think of telling the truth, but something else comes out. Something like, "She went for a walk a few hours ago, and then I didn't hear anything back from her." I say, my voice wanting to crack. The nurse nods, and I follow them for as long as possible.

Y/n is stuck in the cold hospital room for way too long. Fluids and IV being run into her system, the baby had been pretty much okay. Besides needing extra fluids, everything was fine, according to the doctors. They allowed me to stay in the room with her. The ICU has too many beeping machines, and there's constantly a team over Y/n making sure her and the baby's vitals are alright.

"Sam," A small voice calls out. "Y/n," I say, alerting half of the ICU floor that she's awake. She smiles slightly and then looks around her surroundings. "Where… why am I here, Sam?" She asks me. The happiness that was once there filters out and hits the bottom of my stomach. "You… Dean and I took care of what caught you," I answer her. "What caught me?" The heart machine starts to pick up speed. "Calm down, baby, please. I need you to breathe slowly and out before I tell you." I say to Y/n. She takes a few breaths and then squeezes my hand, wanting me to continue.

"You were caught by a djinn," I say, swallowing hard. It took Dean and me about three days to find you and another two beforehand to figure out something was wrong." There's silence from Y/n, and then she looks up at me with tears. "What about our baby?" she asks. I nod. The baby is fine; I did all sorts of tests to ensure everything was good," I tell her.

The silence continues until Y/n brings her attention up from her belly. "I saw a few things." "Did you?" I ask, wondering if she's going to explain. "I saw us, Dean, and your parents. I saw a life I so desperately wanted with you but thought I wasn't allowed to have with you because of our life." She says with a heavy sadness in her voice. "I thought I had to leave to take that burden away from you and Dean. I thought…" She hiccups, and tears roll down her cheeks.

"Baby, you will never be a burden to me, nor will our kid. I want nothing more than for you to come home so I can keep both of you safe and protected. I worried about you every single minute of every single day. It was hard to know that you thought you would be better off elsewhere." I say to her, wrapping her tightly in a much-needed hug.

"How'd you know where I was?" She asks when I release her from the hug. "I had Dean call Charlie," I say without a single ounce of regret. She giggles a little, "It wasn't funny; I'm pretty sure the next time we see the girl, she's gonna slap me across my face." Dean says, making us both look up at him.

"Thank you." Y/n says, "Of course, you're family, after all." Dean says from his spot in the doorway. When can I go home?" She asks, "Let me go get the nurse, and we will figure it out, baby." I say, letting go of her hand before pressing a kiss on her temple and running out to get a nurse.

Completed on: 03/15/24

Posted on: 03/15/24

#supernatural #supernatural x reader #supernatural fic #supernatualfluff #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural imagine #sam winchester headcanon #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester #sam winchester x you #sam winchester x y/n #fluff #angst/fluff #pregnancy

[reixtsu]

Ichigo no Ai - Strawberry Love - 苺の愛

Author-kun's notes: Never in my life have I imagined anyone asking me a Fukuzawa x female reader. This is an interesting idea! I shall indulge. I hope you enjoy!

Btw, I'm sorry but this will not contain NSFW. I tried to write a few drafts, but it's so hard for me to write Fukuzawa NSFW. I hope you understand apologies again. *Bows*

Btw, I caught you, simp *Points*

Character: Fukuzawa (Our respected god in Bungo Stray Dogs)

Genre: Romance

Warnings: None 🙂

It was a beautiful spring day. The birds chirped happily outside as they fluttered in the breeze. The atmosphere at the Armed Detective Agency was unusually calm. The sun cast a warm glow over the office, and everyone seemed to be in good spirits. You, however, were slightly preoccupied with your favorite fruit—strawberries. You had always adored their vibrant color and sweet taste, and you couldn't help but crave them almost every day.

Lost in your thoughts, you didn't notice Fukuzawa approaching you until he cleared his throat gently. Startled, you looked up to find his kind eyes fixed upon you. "Is everything all right, Y/n?" he asked, his voice calm and soothing. He looked at you with his head slightly tilted.

Blushing slightly, you nodded and managed a small smile, looking up from the pile of papers from your desk. "Yes, Fukuzawa-san, everything's fine. I was just thinking about strawberries."

"Strawberries?" Fukuzawa repeated, his expression softening with genuine interest. "Ah, they are delightful fruits indeed. May I ask why you were pondering them?"

You felt a slight flutter in your chest at his attention. "Well, I absolutely love strawberries. The way they taste, their color... they're simply enchanting to me."

Fukuzawa's eyes crinkled slightly at the corners as he smiled warmly. "I can understand that. There is something captivating about their simplicity and elegance."

You nodded enthusiastically, feeling a connection forming between you. "Exactly! And it's not just the taste. It's the memories associated with them too. They've always been a source of comfort for me."

Fukuzawa listened attentively, his presence calming and supportive. "Food can indeed hold powerful memories and emotions. It's wonderful that strawberries bring you such joy."

A moment of silence passed between you before Fukuzawa spoke again, his voice gentle. "Would you like to accompany me to a nearby strawberry farm this weekend, Y/n? They have a beautiful selection, and I believe it would be a delightful experience for both of us."

Your heart skipped a beat, and a surge of excitement coursed through your veins. "I would love that, Fukuzawa-san! It sounds perfect." You said with enthusiasm.

Fukuzawa's smile deepened, and he extended his arm toward you, looking at you with care that came deep from his core. "Then it's settled. We shall embark on a strawberry adventure together."

Blushing profusely but unable to contain your happiness, you placed your hand in his and felt a warmth spread throughout your entire being. In that moment, you knew that this trip would be the start of something beautiful—a bond nurtured by the love for strawberries, and perhaps, something even deeper between you and Fukuzawa.

Headcannons: 

You and Fukuzawa established establish a tradition of visiting a strawberry farm ever spring.

He enjoys seeing how your face would brighten up at the sight of strawberries. He thinks it's cute, but would never admit it.

When he has the time (which he makes an effort to), he will surprise you with a romantic and intimate picnic in the best nature places in Yokohama. He would present you a basket filled with ripe fresh strawberries or however you like them! It's his way of showing you he loves you even though he's a busy and well respected man.

Over time, strawberries become a symbol of love and happiness in your relationship. Fukuzawa often surprises you with strawberries, using them to express his affection and to remind you of the special moments you've shared.

——————✧◦♚◦✧——————⋆——————✧◦♚◦✧——————

@peytonsan

#Bsd #bsd anime #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bsd x reader #anime #bsd x y/n #anime x reader #bsd x you #fukuzawa x reader #Fukuzawa x y/n #bsd imagines #strawberries #Bsd Fukuzawa #Fukuzawa #Bungo stray dogs x y/n #Bungo stray dogs x you #Bsd fluff #bungou stray dogs #bungou gay dogs #Bungou stray dogs

[raayllum]

not sure if you've been asked this before, but do you think callum will do dark magic a third time or more? do you think his arc is in any way building towards him coming to terms with it as a concept or will he continue to reject it on principle?

I've talked a little bit about S6 specific predictions and I do think there will be something along the lines of Callum reconciling his dark magic use with his identity (aka that those things don't have to be opposing, as long as those aspects feel/become understood to him) but...

I think the tricky thing is that there's a lot of elements at play all wrapped up in each other. A few things to get out of the way:

Dark magic has two main purposes in the story. The first is as a literal magic source (practical, usable, more unlimited in comparison to primal magic in some ways). The second is what it represents theme wise (desperation, short term power and agency vs long term lack of agency and subsequent powerlessness, destruction and vulnerability).

For most of his life, all Viren saw was the short term power and gain. Obviously we know he did something awful to save Soren, but we don't get the indication that sort of thing happened... More? We see from Claudia that there's lots of casual uses for dark magic and that Viren likely did so as well (needing to use his butterflies on a semi-regular basis for spells off screen). The next time we see a "dark magic to save a personal loved one" is the soul switching gimmick for Harrow, which is part of why Harrow, I think, shows up in Viren's dreams:

But as Viren says, going to sacrifice himself for King Harrow is his attempts at returning to form, to "I need to be the man he once believed I was." A Viren who was more selfless if not also as idealistic as a dark mage can be. Because in the years since healing Soren, Viren steadily lost himself and lost sight of protecting his children ("You're going to be okay now, that's all that matters" / "But Dad, Soren could've died!" "That doesn't matter!"). That's not to say he was morally irrefutable before, but he genuinely cared for his children and prioritized them. Finding his way back in S5 is what his journey is all, ultimately, about. Coining Kpp'Ar and getting his job ("His death creates opportunity for you") was the inciting incident - seemingly? arguably? - that set him on the "I always knew you'd go far, but I didn't know how far you'd go to get there. [...] You made the same choice you always made: the one that gives you power." Because power, not family, is what poisoned Viren's head — and why only by removing it does it have clarity; only by choosing powerlessness does he have freedom from Aaravos (at least in theory).

V: My whole life I've been chasing after things I didn't have. Status, influence, power. Maybe I should stop.

While Viren rejecting dark magic is ultimately a good for him, I do wonder what he would've done if faced with "kill Sir Sparklepuff to spare Claudia's life" > "kill Sir Sparklepuff to save yourself". He may have indeed made the same choice, now being more cognizant and also fearful of the bloodprice Harrow had spoken of, how dark magic always tends to inevitably have Consequences no matter how delayed, but it definitely would've been a different sort of choice.

With that in mind, I say all this to outline that Callum is starting from a fundamentally different place with dark magic and his loved ones. Like Viren he has pride, but Callum overall has very little ego. He doesn't crave notions of status (if anything he's typically uncomfortable with it) nor is just 'power' a desire for him. If he desires power, if he desires magic, then he does so out of a desire of agency, not self-importance or recognition. Callum doesn't want to be admired in an attempt to feedback-loop prove that he subsequently has worth. He wants to be tangibly useful; he wants to helpful.

One of the confines/constraints of the way arc 2 is structured is that we don't get much of Callum's feelings about dark magic use pre-the reveal it allows Aaravos to possess him. While he rejects it and mandates that it's wrong in S2, of course, he is still tempted by it and the potential 'good' it could do. He rejects being a Dark Mage™️ and refuses to have that as his primary form of magic > primal magic, but — as I've said before — that's different than ever rejecting doing dark magic ever again. That's different than swearing off this would ever be an option you turn to. I

A life with no dark magic is undeniably Callum's canonical preference, as far as usage and existence goes. That's clear to surmise even post-S2. But still, as soon as he used it, I always figured that if put into that kind of situation again — Ezran or Rayla's life on the line, and this was the only way to keep them safe — he'd do it. And then he does (5x08).

However, 5x08 does add important context to Callum's feelings about dark magic. Although I think he probably would've said everything he said to Finnegrin in 5x08 even without the possession bomb ("I'm not a dark mage. I don't do dark magic!" and his refusal even under torture), it's undeniable that learning his dark magic use allows Aaravos to possess him has rattled him. It's not clear how much of his staunch aversion is because now he knows the full consequences, compared to how he might behave if he didn't know it leaves him open to Aaravos, but I think the knowledge here, accordingly, is a burden and just makes all of it worse for him.

In 2x07, Callum didn't know the full potential consequences of his actions, if in fearful imagination and nothing else. But because of 4x04, he does:

C: I'm not afraid that he'll hurt me. I'm afraid that he'll use me to do awful things, or hurt people I care about. [...] I'm afraid, Rayla. What if I'm on a path of darkness?

(We'll return to the "path of darkness" concern in a moment, but pin in it for now.)

The tricky thing, though, is that if you have a character say they'll Never do something, and then they do it (and for a good reason), it's very hard to convince the audience that they'll really never do it again. There are ways to — Rayla said she'd never abandon or kill for her family (Bloodmoon Huntress), then she did abandon Callum (for an understandable but not a good reason, though, I might add), and now we're working on being convinced (painstakingly slowly) that she can learn how to stay — and this could be the route they take with Callum. But unlike Viren, I don't think Callum has as much of a lesson to learn surrounding dark magic because he's always used it for genuinely good reasons and with full awareness of his actions. He doesn't lie to himself over it (he doesn't have Viren's greater good schtick nor interest in it) and it was in literal life-or-death situations.

Viren needed to change because his dark magic use escalated in the de-prioritization of his kingdom but — more importantly to his interpersonal development — his immediate relationships and family bonds. Thus far, Callum's shown no hint of that, and I'm not sure that he will, given that interpersonal relationships — not glory or the greater good — are his primary motivations in all things, usually, but especially when it comes to dark magic.

Therefore, I don't think Callum's issue (as it stands now; S6 could make him start to go on a Viren "I can sacrifice my loved ones path by proxy of paranoia") is as much "I have to reject dark magic and subsequently de-prioritize my personal relationships" because... Him loving less is not the solution, to me. He should be prioritizing his personal relationships. Even, unfortunately, to these current extremes.

When Callum states he's scared that he's on a path of darkness in 4x07, it is a little odd, mostly because at that point there's not much to indicate — at least not as much interpersonally (because as an audience member I was screaming crying throwing up) with the knowledge we had at the time — as to why. He was obsessed with the mirror and Soren warned him not to be like his dad ("My father was obsessed with it. Callum, I know you love magic, but be careful. Cause it can change people") over it, but his primary concern seems to be from what Aaravos has told him: "Already tainted by darkness, and destined to play right into my hands." Those are all external forces/warnings, and they worry him. S5, specifically 5x08 I think, is when we see the big internal shift there.

But I do think the "What if I'm on a path of darkness" and his doubt when Rayla reaffirms otherwise is important, because it plays into his tendency to tunnel vision. He's afraid of the dark because in that moment, and in some ways in 5x08, it feels like it's all he can see.

With that in mind, I think Callum's arc will maybe not be a Relinquishing of dark magic entirely, but dismantling the systems/circumstances in place (through acquirement of more primal magic) so that he has less need of it, and a reminder that he Also has Light inside him, too. Dark and light reconciled — for worse and for better.

#tdp callum #callum #arc 2 #s6 speculation #thanks for asking #requests #afishes #predictions #tdp #the dragon prince #tdp meta #mini meta #analysis series #i'm a moon arcanum callum truther #symbolically if nothing else

[ilynpilled]

I like your jaime opinions but you have such bnf takes on jb and marriage that kind of baffles me

bnf takes 😭😭? cmon man. im just not that interested in that. like i am just not crazy about the marriage/children endgame aspect, simply out of preference. do not care for that kind of clean happy ending for any of my faves, i think it would emotionally resonate with me less. i also internalized what george had said about what romances he likes to write and read and the “we’ll always have paris” example he used. i do like some kind of tragedy or bittersweetness in romantic stories too. and the love was and would still always be there and all that. i do want some kind of departure, some key choice and sacrifice perhaps. i see the possibility of jaime dying too, which could achieve the same, but not executed the way it was in the show. i do not at all deny the possibility of interpreting the set up for what u guys r saying either, i think you can find foreshadowing for it (certainly has more of a basis than a majority of what ppl skew as marriage foreshadowing for other ships), i just dont feel crazy about it as a “happily ever after” scenario, dont think it would fit:

like i see this. i even thought that stage direction (if it was that and not a directorial choice that was not in the script) in the lion and the rose could be alluding to a union. the one where loras and jaime discuss the cersei-loras marriage and the dialogue ends with “you will never marry [cersei]” “neither will you” and then brienne enters the frame while the camera is on jaime. followed up by the cersei brienne convo. grrm wrote it after all. this is the technique he kept using with olenna regarding joffrey’s murder as well.

i am just fine with if all this just indicates future romance between them, and is being used to emphasize their desire for each other that they both repress in different ways (oathkeeper itself can be read as an engagement metaphor: “He will bring a rose for you,” her father promised her, but a rose was no good, a rose could not keep her safe. It was a sword she wanted.”, “Ser Galladon was a champion of such valor that the Maiden herself lost her heart to him. She gave him an enchanted sword as a token of her love.”) i do not think it would be made lesser if the relationship does not necessarily operate within the boundaries of westerosi society. i dont care if the marriage is a symbolic one rather than a literal one (like a knighting.) i do not think that would take away from the romantic relationship. we will see. i know jaime deals with failure when it comes to fatherhood but i am still pretty lukewarm when it comes to that kind of ending for him. i would prefer that remaining a tragedy. could that change? idk.

brienne too is a complex character. her relationship with her desires is complicated. part of her does crave marriage and a child etc. again, it is not as simple as her not at all desiring any aspect of the role she is assigned due to her gender. it is a role that society made for her, but also did not allow her to fit due to how she looks. so that is already very loaded and highlights the contradictory nature of this strict binary. but she also is a knight. she likes it. there is a reason she is a little relieved as well. she has agency to be what she wants to be. she is operating outside of society’s moulds in her own way. is there a way to make these things compromise? maybe.

if you want an “anti-bnf” 😭 opinion from me i do absolutely want their relationship to be consummated, and i disagree with the ppl who want it to be/read it as just a courtly love/chivalric romance type deal in that sense. sexual themes permeate the dynamic, and i wouldn’t like it if george, who does not shy away from dealing with sexuality, didn’t deal with this one relationship, ESPECIALLY because Brienne is an unattractive woman. would unironically rub me the wrong way if she ended up being the one ‘major’ female character, with a key romance, who is also an adult, to not have that. do not want her to be desexualized in this context. i am also tired of the relationship being “purified” in this sense in a lot of general discussion bc i think it often ventures into backwards territory. i would not be really happy with them only getting sex metaphors (which there are plenty of already) + i do believe it would actually mean a lot for both of their characters too.

#getting bnf takes allegations in the ask box is it fucking over everyone #ask #i think i would prefer something that is between tragic and bittersweet but not as doomer as the show

[uglynicc]

Listen, I avoided this movie for AGES thinking it fit into the Bro Movie Torture P0rn™️ genre which really isn't my thing, but after going down a rabbit hole of video esays and analysis, I decided to watch it.

And I actually loved it. There is SO MUCH commentary about this movie but I enjoyed it enough to dive into my own analysis of it lol, even if it's one that's been done before.

The book does sound like it's a bit too gruesome for me (plus the author's comments about "women can't make movies" definitely rubs me the wrong way), but only going off the movie I am blown away how some toxic trolls out there entirely miss the point and unironically idolize Bateman.

Firstly, I interpreted this as a comedy, a real dark satirical one, and I laughed a LOT.

Second, I do think the murders are in his head. I know there's room for commentary about The Rich And Elite Being Able to Literally Get Away With Murder, but I'm fairly certain someone would, at the very least, complain about a naked man running through an apartment complex with a chainsaw after a screaming woman. All the little hints that a lot of events didn't happen also lead me to think this.

I think he's still a D Bag who abuses sex workers, but that the killing was either a fantasy to give himself a sense of power, control, and greater agency in his life, or that it is a product of untreated and worsening mental state.

Ignoring his potential neurodivergency/mental illness here purely for the fact I think it's a separate interpretation from the one I have, and focusing on the idea that he's getting lost in the dark fantasy world he's constructed, my greatest takeaway from the movie:

Bateman is a loser.

Yes, he's wealthy and attractive, but what does he actually have going for him, even in his shallow little group of elite toxic fuckwads?

For his inflated sense of importance, no one gets his name right or even remembers who he is most times. His fiance doesn't respect or even like him, and he doesn't like her either. He pays women to be part of fantasies where he is awe inspiring, a rich, muscular sex god, and even they are bored and unimpressed, they can't even act like he's worthy of their admiration. His male peers don't think he's anything great either, and how could they when they're constantly wrapped up in meaningless pissing contests. He's so insecure in his masculinity he is close to tears when someone mistakes him as being homosexual. He can't even buy his way into Dorsia, can't use his good looks or cash, the only things he has going for him, to get a dinner reservation at his White Whale restaurant.

He's failing to achieve anything even in his shallow little world, so his Wall Street job (with a business card no one thinks is particularly great), fancy apartment (which he grudgingly admits isn't even as nice or as expensive as his rival's) and chiseled good looks mean nothing. He craves status and recognition, which he fails to achieve.

And yeah, he's a misogynist, racist, classist, homophobic dishrag too, can't forget that.

He's the archetype of toxic, impotent-with-misplaced-rage, insecure yet inflated male ego we see everywhere. If people don't perceive what Bateman feels is his inherent "greatness" or "importance," he lashes out, through mistreatment of those more vulnerable, and/or through dark fantasies which give him that sense of greatness and importance.

It's almost too real, because there are so many real world examples of this kind of privileged dickwad (which makes it even more baffling when these same real world dickwads put Bateman on a weird pedestal thinking he's actually great), but I loved the way the movie examined it. I don't think it's celebrating Bateman or men like him at all, I felt more compelled to laugh at him as a figure of jest, a ridiculous caricature of entitlement and failure. Hell, even his "confession" falls flat, he can't even get that right.

Anyway, just my musings after my first viewing, 20 some years late to the party lol.

#american psycho #american psycho movie #don't come for me #patrick bateman #movie analysis #kitchen sink rambles #long post #also it was super tame compared to movies I've seen recently like Barbarian

[ppnuggie]

TFE WHEELJACK X HUMAN READER HEADCANNONS PLEASE?!?!? 🙏 (I forgot you only do human readers for a second sorry!😅)

　　　　　　WHEELJACK x gn human reader

　　　　『　wheeljack ,, gender neutral human reader 』

　　-> wheeljack relationship hcs

　　— fluff ,, sfw ,, crack

　　— WHEELJACKKKK 😭🫶🫶 I LOVE HOM HELLO ?? HIS ACCENT ,, DAD2??? SIR PLEASE 👁👁 these are quite long 😏 im very normal about earthspark wheeljack i promise 👹

• when he first saw you it was probably when he was searching for arachnemechs ,, not expecting anyone to be in the woods

• though the first meeting was quite chill ,, you two talking about different things ,, before wheeljack was called by optimus

• the next time you meet was when ghost had hired you ,, and then assigned wheeljack as your partner

• since then ,, the two of you had stuck together ,, laughing about the odds you’d see each other again

• the most you two did was tinker around ,, you helping him with spots he couldnt reach too well and all

• the first you two went out for a ride was when wheeljack was searching for his lost drone ,, which is how you met twitch and thrash later on

• though you kept that stuff secret from ghost agency ,, as bumblebee was also there and optimus didnt trust ghost with that information

• for the most part ,, you two stick together and are mostly away from others doing your own things

• wheeljack had been the first to confess ,, via an invention he made that may or may not have malfunctioned

• after that you two were closer than before ,, date nighte arent too often as youre both busy ,, but they do happen :)

• mainly it consists of you two just chilling together and talking about something random or showing wheeljack a show you had been wanting to seen

• pda isn’t something you two can do in front of ghost agents ,, they may be working towards a cybertronian-human relationship but lord knows theyd flip if you and wheeljack came out as couple

• the other bots know about it ,, optimus is happy for you two ,, megatron doesnt really say anything but hes glad that you’re not like most ghost agents and that the cybertronian-human relationship is getting somewhere 😏

• twitch and thrash call you parent2 ,, since wheeljack is already dad2 ,, bumblebee was shocked but he doesnt discriminate ,, sometimes telling you old stories of wheeljack and his many past incidents

• arcee just smirks to herself about it ,, before teasing wheeljack about it all ,, of course she also offers to beat him up if he does something to hurt you

• elita has pretty much the same reaction as arcee ,, but she also caves in and tells stories about wheeljack’s incidents as well

• your first kiss was one you initiated ,, making a sneaky move when he bent down to grab something from you ,, and you took the opportunity to place your hands on his face and give him a small kiss

• he was definitely flustered to say the least ,, letting out a few chuckles as he hid his face away ,, but he definitely loved it

• after that day he definitely craves for more ,, picking you up and kissing you all over your face ,, laughing as you start to complain jokingly

• hugs and cuddles are a definite <33 wheeljack is quite affectionate with you ,, not bothering which bot is around to see ,, he’ll pick you up and kiss you and smother you in his love

• he also makes inventions for you in his free time ,, 👉👈

• your relationship is quite healthy <3 lot of conversations happening and talking about feelings ,, if you’ve had a bad day hes there to listen and vice versa

• wheeljack also uses emojis ,, but not as much as optimus thankfully ,, hes more fond of the ☃️🌞🧗‍♀️🏎🧪 emojis ,, especially the rock climbing emoji ,, you dont have any idea why either

#transformers x reader #x reader #x gender neutral reader #tfe wheeljack #earthspark wheeljack #transformers earthspark #tfe x reader #🌎.earthspark #🌎.wheeljack #wheeljack x reader

[spookfished]

media roundup february

hi everybody :3 i didnt really read a lot in february i was busy 'doing school' and 'looking for employment.' sad! i have spring break coming up so im planning on using that time to read a bunch (and also apply for more jobs -_-) this post and previous can be found on my neocities!

books:

revenant gun by yoon ha lee: the last book in the hexarchate series, starting with ninefox gambit. (slightly edited from my discord review, SPOILERS INCOMING). in machineries of empire, there a disconnect between what the audience craves and what the book is willing to give them-- for example, things like Whats up with the calendar + the hexarchate, why did jedao do all that, etc. this works in the books favor (imo) by increasing tension, creating a sense of discovery, and avoiding clunky exposition.

however in the two sequels it expands not just to what the audience wants but also what they like. care about? some big examples are the weight of the remembrances* and less cheris, but also stuff like jedaos focus. which isnt bad like i like jedao. but like, if you Dont you sure do get a lot of him. also did anyone actually like brezan sorry. hes fine like for example with the end of a memory called empire, when the protag (forgot her name sorry) loses her brain buddy, it feels like a second coming of age almost--her brain buddys been a crutch but now she gets to stand on her own (albeit as a changed person, with brain buddys influence). vs cheris who kinda starts to feel like a cameo character who literally fucks off for nine years??? there is also a sort of ongoing sense of "these sacrifices for the greater good are ok (if sad) and these are not" whihc ngl sometimes feels pretty arbitrary to me. and given that machineries of empire focuses on like the Littlest most downtrodden people it really is wild yhat we dont see a lot of civilian life? anyways i enjoyed it and i think its worth finishing out the trilogy but it wasnt as satisfying as i could have hoped (ALSO NINEFOX GAMBIT IS A REALLY FUN SOLID READ. I LIKED IT A LOT)

*the rememberances are a set of ritualized tortures that create a power structure that literally powers a lot of the empire's technology. this is a very cool concept! a big part of jedao and cheris' rebellion is about making a place that Doesnt have to run on torture. except that like, besides the intellectual knowledge that Torture Is Bad as a reader i didnt really feel that invested in this? like we only get to See a remembrance happening midway thru book 3. im not like advocating for torture porn or anything but it seems weird to have that be the focal thing when neither cheris nor jedao had any scenes where they were affected by it (and so the audience didnt have anything like that either). idk it kinda just stood out to me. like yes i care about these characters but why should i care about This specifically

hexarchate stories by yoon ha lee: an anthology set in the world of machineries of empire, expanding the world and fleshing out some stories. this was pretty solid! theres a wide range of stories and lengths, and i liked the variety :3 its like a little charcuterie board. (yoon ha lee's bias for shuos jedao really stands out here though..) its kinda essential reading to me imo though bc otherwise the ending of revenant gun isnt that satisfying :| lol anyways once again if youve read ninefox gambit check it out! spoilers for the whole series tho

exordia by seth dickinson: hard scifi about agency, impossible choices, and how they shape you. also, international geopolitics! like ninefox gambit, exordia demands your attention and concentration. you kinda have to read it at a time when you have brainpower to spare. however, exordia rewards everything that you put into it :3 i ended up learning so many random facts during this book… like AGL meaning above ground level. i feel like i need to read a book about democratic confederalism now also. a couple of my other friends read this book and got lost in the large cast and intricate web of events--i didnt have as much of an issue but u might need a piece of paper or sth. exordia is a book that's dense enough to feel like three books, and that can be good or bad. seth dickinson has this really spare, concise prose that leaves a lot to your imagination but also like. can sum up a person or situation in just a couple sentences? and that leaves a lot of room for the reader to investigate which i like :3 hm what else to say…. i really liked clayton (clayton!!!!) but i found erik super annoying ymmv. the ending kinda leaves you at a loss which i honestly kinda like? like yeah obv a sequel would be nice but i like it the way it is. anyways not for the faint of heart but id still recommend<3

accidentally engaged by farah heron: f/m romance aww so cute <3 really nice contemporary romance which tosses together a bunch of tropes--arranged romance, fake dating, baking together--into something that actually works really well! the two leads were very charming and i liked reading about the good food. i liked the way the protagonist's almost-stereotypical portrait of a loving but strict south asian family (am i allowed to say this) gets fleshed into a group of honestly kinda bizarre people that love her and that reena can genuinely connect with. yay family! overall, not especially memorable to me personally but still enjoyable. rec if youre into contemporary romance

last breath: the limits of adventure: realistic fiction (?) about what it feels like to drown, die of dehydration, fall from a cliff, etc. lots of research, very thorough! (well sometimes they live and sometimes they dont). an expansion of this absolutely fantastic article about hypothermia. honestly none of the stories quite live up to this one imo but this is still a really solid and exciting read! i couldnt put it down! although it does have a touch of the orientalism that you get from like, a lot of extreme sports circles lol. i would definitely recommend reading the article, and maybe read the book if it especially interests you.

video games:

pokemon legends of arceus: a pokemon game set in the past that breaks the mold by letting you dodge roll. my opinions here coincide pretty closely with the dunkey video, which is that this is a really fun game that is also literally half finished. controls are clunky, story is paper thin, graphics are fucked, overworld is extremely empty but its also just very fun?? it took over my life for like two weeks and i missed class???? anyways i would not get this at full price but if you can borrow it from a friend its super interesting to experience. im looking forward to the kalos one :3

slay the princess: a horror? romance? visual novel about saving the princess, slaying tbe princess, and everything in between featuring the vocal chops of that one magnus archives guy. dudeee this is so fun! i think its very kind to the guy inside of me who is Embarrassingly Anxious about any and all video game choices that can like, affect the narrative. lmfao its fun to fit in a couple runs or two between other things, but i did start losing track of what previous paths id taken after a bit of a gap. however!!! i would definitely think about playing this game if you like visual novels or Narrative or Loops! or girls who kill lol theres a free demo if you want to try it out

movies:

velocipastor: action movie about a priest who turns into a velociraptor to punish the wicked!!!! so fucking cool a lot of love put into this (low budget) movie made me so sad i dont speak cantonese (? at least i think thats what it was) watch this with friends

music:

Gato by nobonoko: really fun 80s synth jazz? album written by two fictional gay furries. no wait come back ok this is one of those things i got recommended by youtube and then actually listened to it a bunch of times its just very soothing and nice :3 ive been listening to jazz pretty much my whole life so i have a huge bias. also im a sucker for fictional bands eg splatoon… also the art is so cute?? those two guys?? its hard to pick a favorite song but i think i like the titular gato! also theres a bunch of other stuff made by the same two artists

option by Crosses: i totally forgot what the genre for this is but its like when metal guys are like i need to have a song for my metal wedding. song recommended by neil -_- anyways very sappy im fond of it nonetheless. i definitely did think it said "can you promise me to the grave"

Roy by Idles: from british rock band idles new album tangk! im going to be honest i did not like this album as much as some of the other ones by idles, but thats ok! hmm when i play this song out loud during crew shifts i feel embarrassed. but i really like seeing how idles' vocalist's voice has evolved over time! the way hes branched out into more melodic and belty stuff over time is very fun. the prechorus + chorus are very fun to sing along to as well :3 its just a fun song

anyways if you read any portion of this thanks as always :3 what else to say.. i made pandesal recently and its been my only successful bread that i can remember. go me! anyways see you guys in a bit

#txt

[ranposbabe]

Infidel | Johan Liebert x Reader Chapter 1

It felt as if for the first time the deep stream was calm. Typically the water raced down the line and yet here it was steady. Why couldn’t you be steady ?

You can’t help but to desperately crave an answer as to why. Just the weighing thought has you clenching your fist and digging your nails deep into the skin of your palm.

Despite wearing shoes, you slightly hover over on the grass and splash a bit of water using the tip of your shoe.

Can’t be steady forever.

“y/n !” You snapped around to see the sight of your father sticking his out of his bygone car. Shoving your hands into your pockets you grudgingly make your way back to the car. “I’ll never understand why you like visiting this field so damn much !” He groans, pinching the radix of his nose.“It calms me.” You mutter. Lie.

“The amount of animal piss and shit round here is god awful !” He complains without hesitating to start the car.

“We’ll atleast we know your one with nature, father.” You mutter, slamming shut the car door.

11 months earlier…

“You really need to start thinking about university y/n, I’m getting concerned.”

You sink further into your chair hoping it would just swallow you whole.

As your poker face remains the more agitated your father became.

Maybe this was your purpose in life.. pissing off your father. Nothing too difficult. You can’t help but to raise a brow. You don’t even feel the need or want to exist yet this man has been wanting you to occupy yourself with university ?

“You know what ?” He calmly states, patting his knees. “Join the agency with me. Try out the detective life for a change hm ?” He rambles, leaning closer.

“Alright.” You simply state, practically jumping out of your chair.

Anything to get the conversation over with. “Doesn’t take much to convince you huh, y/n ?” He says with a smirk present on his face.

Present…

“And then I said to the asshole, the bitch is dead get over it !” The drunk man howled, practically spilling his beer while trying to down it. Every Friday night (realistically midday) your father and his coworkers go down to the pub as an excuse to slack off and yet here you were practically handcuffed to the table being forced to spend your own time with the slobbering drunken men who spat out profanity while their shirts were covered in vile stains from their drinks.

You couldn’t help but watch in disgust as they all just rambled on complaining about their hard life. Hard life ? If only they even had an ounce of knowledge of what a hard life meant. You couldn’t help but feel disgusted by the entitlement of them all.

“Damn it.” One of the men cries, staring down at his watch. “I’m supposed to be having a meeting with a professor down at Brno University.” He says, unsteadily raising from his seat. You raise a brow at the man. “I’ll go !” You state, already clutching your coat.

“You sure, little lady ?” The man inquires, despite already willingly handing you the files needed for the case. “Better then being here.” You mutter while putting your coat on.

“Great ! Head to the University ! Maybe then you can make some friends! Shame you never applied to university you’d be out there buzzing with the crowd !”

Buzzing. That’s all you could hear from their rotten loud mouths as you hurriedly gathered your things to head out.

These past year when everyone had started to head off to university leaving you behind to decay and leaving your father forced to hand out a job pulling you out to face the cruel world on your own as if time was ticking for you to have a life.

Ticking, no buzzing. Screeching.

Time Skip…

As you finally made your way to the premises grounds you can’t help but find yourself somehow lost. Of course it being a university there were expected for students to be on the premises yet it felt like you were stuck to ground as bait and everyone else were predators itching for a taste.

As you sluggishly make your way through groups of buzzing it suddenly dawned on you that..the buzzing was getting louder.

“Shit.” You wince, attempting to soothe yourself by rubbing your temple.

Suddenly, your shoulder bangs into someone and your files fly out of your arms and settle onto the ground.

“Ah !” A voice screeches from behind.

You turn to come face a young girl whose knees now look red and rather scratched.

“Apologies !” You sigh, lending out your hand to the girl. “Oh ! Thank you.” The girl smiles, taking your hand to help raise herself. But then it happened.

Something never happened before.

The buzzing. It had stopped.

Then two girls came rushing over to aid the girl you tripped into.

“Nina ! Are you okay ?” One girl panted.

Your widen eyes were stuck in a trance onto the girl. “I’m fine.” She laughed.

“But are you alright ? That was particularly my fault too.” She said, turning her attention to you. “Oh I-

You suddenly noticed the slight cut on your hand and watched as the blood rolled down to your wrist.

“I’m okay.” You state, pulling your hand behind your back. You turn to walk away completely confused as to why the buzzing was now gone when…

“Hey ! You almost forgot this !” Nina yells, handing you the now crumpled files.

“Oh um thanks…Nina.” You nod.

As soon as the girl walked away..

the buzzing returned.

#johan liebert x reader #johan liebert #monster #anime and manga #reader instert #x reader #dark aesthetic #manga #johan #yandere #yandere x reader

[husbandomail]

Hi! I'm currently rewatching Zexal and I'd like to ask for some headcanons about the Arclights' (all four) love languages!

PS: Love your hcs!!!

Michael is fairly adaptable, and he can mold with your love language pretty well no matter how you communicate. That said, he naturally leans towards acts of service; he’s incredibly observant, so he’s well aware that you’ve been too tired to fold your laundry. He knows you hate washing the dishes. You keep running out of time to cook. So, while you’re at work, he quietly lets himself into your home with your spare key— he feels guilty for sneaking in, and it’s hard not to call you and confess what he’s doing, but he wants to surprise you too!! The role of a caretaker is something that comes naturally to him, so he has no trouble finishing the chores you haven’t done, and by the time you’re home, he’s made enough food to last for several days. He’s thrilled to take care of you no matter how you need it— even if you’re just having a bad mental health day, he’s perfectly content to climb in the bathtub with you and wash your hair so you can just relax.

His receiving language is gifts, which is something he feels a bit guilty about; he worries about coming across as materialistic or greedy, especially because he grew up with his family’s money and has never struggled to afford anything. If he breathes in the direction of something, his father will buy it for him. But there’s just… something about knowing you saw anything and thought of him. You were willing to spend your own money on something that reminded you of him. And now he’s laying in bed in the middle of the night, turning this little trinket over and over in his hands even while you’re not here— it’s reassuring. It’s easy to remember you’re loved when you have something you can hold.

Thomas is a gift-giver. He’s spent such a long time crafting his public persona—the grinning duelist who exists only on television and magazine spreads— that sometimes he feels he’s lost himself in it. And then he crashes in the opposite direction, so tired of keeping up the facade that he turns cruel and angry, even though he actively wants to be sweet to you. He feels like the only way he can prove himself is with gifts; even apart from the family money, he’s got plenty of his own as a result of his spotlight career. He’s had to be out of town for a tournament? He buys you that collector’s edition set of books you were wanting. He snapped at you while he was tired? Immediate apology in the form of expensive jewelry. Admittedly, it’s an unhealthy mindset for now— he doesn’t quite feel like he’s buying your affection, but he does feel like he has to earn it somehow, no matter how much you assure him otherwise.

For receiving, although he refuses to say it out loud, he absolutely craves physical contact. He’s not sure if it’s natural to him, or if it’s just a direct result of his childhood, but either way he’s had so little of it throughout his life. He remembers how his mother used to hold him and keep him safe; he remembers his older brother leading him along by the hand… and that’s about it. It’s not like anyone was affectionate at the orphanage— it’s not like their father was happy to hold them when he returned— as part of his career, his agency never allowed him to date publicly. The first time your hand brushed against his, he jolted backwards, not because he hated the feeling— for the opposite reason, actually. He was afraid he’d enjoy it too much. You’re too warm, and it sent a tingle of electricity up his spine, and when you actually thread your fingers with his, Thomas feels like he might pass out. As he gets used to your affection over time, his favorite thing to do is just drop himself in your lap and fall asleep as you drag your hands through his hair.

Christopher’s giving language is quality time together, which is somewhat ironic, because his grueling work schedule keeps him out of the house for days on end. It’s exhausting to be stuck in a lab for so long, surrounded only by white walls and his droning machinery; he always wants to see you, but his yearning is especially strong when he’s faced with how dull and repetitive failed experiments can get. He comes home at odd hours, and is always relieved to see that you left a light on for him— but then he sees you’re still awake, propped up on the couch with a book, and he feels guilty you stayed up so late to wait for him. He’s too tired to string a sentence together, though, so he just sets his stuff down and goes to curl up with you on the couch, holding you all night… even though the couch isn’t the comfiest place to sleep.

For receiving, it’s a tie between quality time and acts of service, precisely because of that same busy work schedule. Part of him hates it— not only is he away from you for most of the waking hours of the day, but he’s also relying on you to do chores or prepare food while he’s gone. He doesn’t want you to feel unappreciated, and he’ll be seriously tempted to find a different job just so he can actually see you more often. But then he comes home at 1 am again and finds dinner left in the oven to keep it warm for him, and he doesn’t have to worry about fixing that one leak under the sink because you did that already, and the laundry he kept forgetting about has already been washed and put away— he doesn’t have to waste his rare free time on chores, so now he can spend every spare second with you.

Byron is more similar to Thomas than either of them are comfortable with; he’s a gift-giver, for precisely the same reasons. He feels guilty all the time, for who he is and for what he’s done, and even though you’re insistent that you’ve forgiven him he still feels like he has to earn everything you’re offering for free. You’ve been driving that car for a while, right? Do you want a new one? Since you’re coming along with him to the next event he’s hosting, you might as well have an extravagant new outfit, tailored specifically for you. And hey, will you like him better if he buys you a house—?

His receiving language is a bit hard to pin down, because he’s resistant to most of your attempts no matter what. Kind words don’t seem to work on him; even if he’s smiling and nodding along with your praise, you can see in his eyes that it’s not getting through. He doesn’t dodge away when you reach to run your hand across his back, but he doesn’t lean into your touch either. In the end, simply love him in whatever ways come naturally to you— he’ll learn to understand what you’re getting at, and over time he might be convinced that he deserves it after all.

#yugioh #zexal #michael arclight #thomas arclight #christopher arclight #headcanons #imagines #x r #larmegliamori

[delucadarling]

OC asks! 11 and 13 for Barbie and 15 for Lucas, please! 💕 (~agentnatesewell)

oooo okay. I'll be addressing all of these from a perspective of the Usual AU @crownleys and I play with for our detectives, because I've basically adopted it as my personal canon at this point. In this, Kira is the detective, Bobby's her ex, and Rebecca is her mom. Barbie and Lucas are siblings, both work for the Agency. Barbie meets Kira during the events of Book 1, while Lucas and Kira meet at the tail end of Book 1. He pops up here and there to be a big brother nuisance and make Kira (accidentally) cry.

Barbie

11. What does your OC believe in? God(s)? Monsters? Love? The power of unbreakable bonds of friendship to overcome any obstacle? The ability of money to open any door? Or are they indifferent?

Barbie used to believe in God. When she was 10, her father left the family for another woman and pretty much never looked back. Her mom really struggled at this time and turned to religion for comfort. She'd always been churchgoing, but this led her into fundamentalism. Barbie, who was young, tried to please her mom by being a very good Christian girl who knew every story in the Bible by heart. She decided she needed to believe EXTRA hard to make her mom happy.

Being of a curious nature though, Barbie was always filled with questions. This doesn't mix well with Christianity, and led to her realizing she was better off keeping those questions to herself.

Eventually, Barbie started to notice things about the world that were...strange. No one had answers for her, and she didn't like to ask much anymore, so she just observed. She wrote everything down in her journals, drawing pictures and taking detailed notes.

When she's 15, she manages to track down a Facility, and that's what starts her path towards working with the Agency.

(tossing the rest under a readmore)

13. How important are romantic relationships to your OC? Do they prefer casual sex, short flings, or long term relationships? Do they want to get married or are they content with what they have? Or do they have no interest in romance whatsoever?

Romance is really important to Barbie! She wants nothing more than to build a lasting love with someone else. In truth, she craves the idea of being important to someone. Her ideal would be a lover who is totally obsessed with everything about her. She wants love, marriage, and children.

I like to pair her up with all vampires (though I'd say Mason is definitely her main love interest) so I always get to play with something new and fun, depending on who she's with when she realizes she's fallen in love.

Lucas

15. What places hold significant meaning or memories for your OC? Do they have a positive or negative association with those places?

The house he and Barbie grew up in, in south Georgia. He was 16 before his family really fell apart, so he has good memories there. Mostly because he always had a bike and a group of friends to run around with.

There's a cliff in Germany, near a beach, that Lucas thinks of all the time. He and Adam "fell" over the edge during a mission, and while Adam came out just fine, Lucas nearly lost his leg and is permanently disabled because of it. He can't bring himself to view it negatively. The change in his life was so huge it's just a lot of feelings. He'd definitely undo everything that happened there if he could, but he's mostly chosen to let the bad feelings go. Lucas hates holding grudges, even against the supernatural the maimed him.

#darling speaks #me rule #THANK YOU #this is super fun #ask meme #twc #wayhaven #the wayhaven chronicles #barbara 'barbie' robertson #Lucas Daniels

[messysketchyobeyme]

A Foggy Mind

Lucifer/Gender-Neutral Reader (One-Sided)

Summary: Now that Lucifer was alone, stuck in a cave, and surrounded by fog with no idea how to get out or find his friends and family, he had to admit that the rare instances where he loses that sense of control could be quite unsettling.

A/N: This is loosely based on the Yokai event, but I've changed a few things except for some dialogue lol. You don't need to have played it to understand what's going on. The context is that during a Yokai parade/festival, "Raphael" leads the gang to a cave, some magical fog forms, and everyone gets separated/lost. They're trying to figure out a way out.

Word Count: 2615

---

It is rare for Lucifer to be truly at a loss for what to do. Even in the Celestial Realm, he was always the one who constantly had to save his brothers from any inevitable trouble they got themselves into. Although Lucifer would never admit it, he was a little fond of being the one to swoop in and save his loved ones from any harm, whether that be from petty arguments to genuine life or death scenarios. It made him feel like he was in control, something that Lucifer craved.

Now that Lucifer was alone, stuck in a cave, and surrounded by fog with no idea how to get out or find his friends and family, he had to admit that the rare instances where he loses that sense of control could be quite unsettling. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as he took one cautious step followed by another one. The white mist covered his vision entirely, preventing him from even seeing his hand stretched out in front of him. Lucifer squinted while he slowly transversed the cave. It didn’t do anything to help his vision, but it still provided a little agency over his actions. 

For now, Lucifer’s main plan was to find a way out of this cave, figure out what was going on, and find a way to dissipate the fog. If he came across his brothers or one of the others, then that would be a bonus. He briefly wondered if they were safe–if you were safe–but he quickly chased those thoughts away. Worrying would do nothing to fix the predicament he was in. Although he wanted nothing more than to get to the bottom of this and severely punish whichever creature was responsible for this, his priority was to get out of the cave.

The path in front of him cleared up, and Lucifer took a sudden step back. He balled his hands into fists and steeled himself for who, or what, would dare to cross him. You stumbled into view, and Lucifer’s arms dropped to his sides. You were safe. He let out a tiny exhale as relief coursed through his veins.

Wobbling slightly on shaky legs, you warily swung your head side to side. When you made eye contact with Lucifer, you smiled broadly. “Lucifer!” you ran forward and leaped into his arms, “I-I was so worried!” The fog closed in around the two of you, preventing him from seeing where you had come from.

Selfishly, Lucifer hugged you back. He buried his face into your shoulder and basked in your body warmth. Hidden within the expanse of the fog, he was more than tempted to allow himself the tiniest bit of vulnerability. He badly wanted to admit that he was the one who was terrified that something had happened to you and how glad he was to see that you were okay. He didn’t say any of that, though, because he knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong. 

He pulled out of your embrace, “How do I know it’s really you?” His question was low and icy. 

Your previous beaming face suddenly dropped, which tore Lucifer up inside. You whispered, “What do you mean? Did–did I do something wrong?” You anxiously wrung your hands together as you stared at him with wide, watery eyes.

“No, you didn’t,” Lucifer responded a little too quickly. He didn’t want to give his suspicions away so easily. He cleared his throat and continued, “It’s just that I believe a lower-level demon was masquerading as Raphael earlier. I am not certain of its intentions, nor its capabilities, so I want to ensure that–”

“I get it, I get it,” you fidgeted with the hem of your costume, “You want to make sure that I'm not an imposter. That makes sense,” you swallowed thickly, “Just, uh, give me a second to prove to you that I really am me.”

Lucifer gave a terse nod and crossed his arms as he waited for your next course of action. Slowly, you brought your hands to his face and cupped his cheeks. Lucifer stood rigid while his entire body flushed hot. You inched closer, and for one exhilarating second, he thought you were going to kiss him. You stopped short of his lips, but he could still feel your warm breath against his skin.

Your thumbs massaged circles into his cheekbones. “I love you, Lucifer,” you gazed at him with a dazed, half-lidded expression, “Is that proof enough?”

Lucifer forcefully pulled himself out of his brief trance, “Yes, that was proof enough.” He pushed you off of him, whatever ‘you’ were. 

You staggered back and balked at him, “L-Lucifer…?” you yelped in a high-pitched whisper, “Why did you…?”

His expression hardened in a way that he hoped masked the painful pang in his chest. He now knew for certain some sort of creature was impersonating you, and he intended to make it pay. Lucifer aggressively stepped towards it, a whizzing purple ball of magic extending from the palm of his hand. Beads of sweat appeared on its forehead as it tried to slowly back away. It tripped on a loose piece of rock and fell onto the ground. It continued to crawl backward with short quick breaths.

“Don’t do this!” it pleaded as tears pricked in the corners of its eyes, “Please, I’m begging you!” That was just enough to cause Lucifer to hesitate and for the magic to fade from his hand. He stopped in his tracks and had to remind himself that thing just looked like you. It wasn’t you, no matter how much it cried, screamed, or shouted.

Lucifer heard someone call out your name somewhere from behind. He didn’t flinch and kept his eyes trained on the figure in front of him, who seemed as though it was about to vomit. He recognized that voice and didn’t need to look to know that Simeon had found him. That blasted angel couldn’t have come at a worse time.

Simeon ran up next to him and smiled, still a little out of breath. “You’re here, too, Lucifer,” he nodded in relief before turning toward the creature on the floor. He reached his hand out toward it, “I’m glad that you two are–” Lucifer jutted his arm in front of Simeon to block his way. “Lucifer? What do you think you’re doing?” He shouted incredulously.

“That isn’t them, Simeon,” Lucifer answered quietly, "It's an impersonator."

"Really? How do you kn–oh!" Simeon whipped his head from Lucifer over to where it was pathetically sitting on the ground. Just five seconds ago, tears were streaming down its face, but they were all dried up now, replaced with a deep and upsetting grimace. Simeon held his hands in front of his chest, "Oh, I see."

The creature rolled its eyes and swiftly stood up. Simeon took a couple of steps back while Lucifer growled under his breath. He stood on edge, steeling himself for whatever that creature would try next. It flashed a peace sign. "Well, gotta go!" It laughed and ran in the opposite direction, disappearing into the blurry expanse of the fog.

"What…" Simeon paused and chewed on his bottom lip, "...was that, Lucifer?" 

Lucifer shook his head, "I suspect that it was some sort of lesser demon acting as them, but I don't know their motives behind this."

"Whatever it was, we need to stick together, so we don't get separated again."

"Yes, right now let's focus on finding a way out of this cave. We can figure out what this imposter wants later."

"That sounds fine, but," Simeon scratched his cheek, "how do you suppose we escape?"

Lucifer sighed. He could feel the wrinkles forming from all of this tension, "The only thing we can do is pick a direction and go from there."

Simeon shrugged and pointed in the opposite direction from where it had run off, "Then, I suggest we go there."

He didn't have any reason to object, so he nodded and began walking side by side with Simeon. This entire experience was uncomfortable, to say the least. Not only was he trapped inside a cave, but he was also trapped in a cave next to Simeon of all people. Lucifer spared a glance toward the angel. He was using his D.D.D. as a flashlight, but instead of using the app, he was using the screen to light the way. It kept falling asleep every ten seconds, so he continuously had to tap it to keep it on. Lucifer contemplated telling Simeon how useless he was being, but he decided to let it go. Even if Simeon had managed to get the flashlight working, it wasn't as though any sort of light could penetrate the thickness of the fog. 

Lucifer and Simeon were only walking for a couple of minutes when Lucifer noticed a vague figure shrouded in the darkness standing in front of them. Simeon quickly put his D.D.D. away (without turning it off) and gripped Lucifer's shoulder, "Look, over there, is that them?"

You casually strolled out of the dark and into the small clearing that formed as Lucifer shrugged Simeon's hand off of him. You jerked your head up in brief acknowledgment, "Lucifer. Simeon. What's up?"

Lucifer internally groaned. Only you could be so nonplussed about getting lured and trapped in a cave. It infuriated him as much as it made him want to scoop you into his arms and never let go. 

Simeon held his hand up to his mouth to stifle his laughter, "I've been so worried about you, and all you can say is 'what's up?’"

"Well, yeah," you kicked a random pebble. It flew away and disappeared into the white void, "I saw Barbatos and Levi earlier, and they were alright so…" you shrugged like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Simeon laughed out loud this time. He was about to walk about to you when Lucifer spoke up.

"Simeon, wait," he called out, stopping Simeon in his tracks, "I want to believe that this really is them, but we need to make sure." In all honesty, Lucifer was more than certain that you weren't the imposter. Nobody could mimic your standoffish attitude so easily like that, but he didn't want to take any chances.

You raised an eyebrow, "What?" Lucifer's chest tightened slightly, but he ignored it the best he could. 

"Well, you see, earlier on we ran into an imposter masquerading as you," Simeon patiently explained, "So forgive us for being on edge."

"Oh, so, you want me to prove that I'm not an imposter?"

Simeon clapped his hands together excitedly, "That's right!"

"Cool," you pointed at Simeon, "On the day before your first birthday we celebrated together, we went to the Devil Planetarium, and you told me a story about a demon and a maiden."

Simeon's smile turned bashful as he ran his fingers through his hair, "Ah, you're, um, completely right," he chuckled slightly, "Only you'd be able to recall such an…important memory."

"And you," you flippantly gestured towards Lucifer's vague direction, "I'm pretty sure your favorite food is that Princess Poison Apple thing or whatever." 

Lucifer clenched his jaw tightly when he heard Simeon snort next to him. 

"Well, that's all the proof I need!" Simeon chirped as he walked over to hug you tightly, "I'm so sorry for doubting you. I'll make it up to you once we get out of here."

You stood limply in Simeon's arms until he let you go. It made Lucifer feel slightly smug, but he didn't dwell on those feelings for long. "Do you have any idea how to get out of here?" He asked you. 

You shook your head, "Nah. The only thing I can suggest is that we start walking until we find a way out."

"No, if we walk around aimlessly, then we're just going to get separated again," Lucifer responded, "Let us try staying where we are for a while."

Simeon chimed in, "We tried to walk in one direction for a bit, but that wasn't particularly helpful,"

"But that's how we found each other, isn't it? So it did help."

"I suppose so…" Simeon said, "But I think Lucifer is right. If we stay here, then some of the others will find us eventually."

"Or we'll be stuck here forever in one place," you argued, tapping your foot against the ground, "It's better if we start walking."

Simeon tried to reason with you, "No, it's unsafe, especially considering how we don't know how this cave or the fog works."

Lucifer hung back, tuning out your argument with Simeon. He was too busy mulling over what happened with your impersonator earlier. He had known right away that whatever that thing was wasn't you. Its sweet words and soft, loving actions were the exact opposite of what you embodied. You were callous and harsh towards him, refusing to give him a second of attention longer than necessary.

Though it was alluring, your cold personality wasn't why he was attracted to you. Rather, he admired your confidence and can-do attitude. He was fond of your reckless nature, even when you got his brothers evolved. He even secretly loved how easily you disobeyed him: how you'd stand up to him, look him directly in the eyes, and declare with a full chest that you refused to follow any of his 'stupid and meaningless orders.'

However, Lucifer couldn't stand how clear it was that you despised him from the bottom of your heart. His chest grew heavy whenever you'd scoff, roll your eyes, or even frown at him with disdain. He wanted you to love him so badly, just as he had grown to be obsessed with you, but Lucifer knew this was all his fault. If only he had been nicer to you when you first arrived in the Devildom. He deeply regretted the times he had threatened you or attempted to take your life, for they had permanently driven a wedge between you two that Lucifer could never get rid of.

That was why Lucifer so easily succumbed to the affectionate gaze of the imposter. He leaned into 'your' warm embrace, drank in 'your' sweet, calm words, and soaked in every second of 'your' touch because he knew that he'd never get the chance to experience it again. Lucifer was so ashamed to admit that he was so desperate for your love that he willingly took it from someone he knew was trying to trick him. He let out a shuddery breath. He hated this. He hated feeling so weak, but that was how he felt whenever he was with you, and a part of him felt addicted to the feeling.

"Lucifer!"

Hearing his name snapped Lucifer back to reality. It sounded like Simeon, but he couldn't see him. The intensity of the fog around him had worsened, and he mentally scolded himself for letting himself get so distracted. The thick fog prevented him from seeing anything at all, so he stayed rooted in the same spot. Something dark moved in the corner of his eye. Lucifer snapped his head around to try to see what it was. He saw a dark mass that looked roughly like Simeon.

Lucifer could only watch as the mass tried to call out to him again, "Lu–" Simeon's voice faded into the fog, along with the rest of him. Lucifer looked around to see if you were still there, but he could see nothing but fog. You were long gone. 

Once again, Lucifer was left alone.

#Obey Me #Obey Me Lucifer #Obey Me MC #Obey Me Simeon #Lucifer x Reader #Lucifer/Reader #Fanfic #Reader-Insert

[lavenoon]

Ok, so now the last chapter made me think. Robin in canon AU wasn't always a star agent, and we know they never lost that spark that made them love their job. But I do wonder how hard it must have been for them at the start.

I imagine those same comments being dismissive of their enthusiasm, of how they don't take things seriously, of how other agents would rather not work with them because of it. How much that must have exacerbated the loneliness until they got used to it and convinced themself that it is how they like it. How it should be. How they work best. (Because not having constant attacks to their confidence doesn't interfere with how they do perhaps?)

And the fact that it's been years! I wonder if there was a very early doubt that kept growing until they had to decide ok, am I crumbling down and leaving this job, or am I pushing through, and they decided to push through, but it came at the cost of lifting walls to protect themself and sacrificing some of the openness they had been willing to show and can only now crave (unitl the arrival of a certain pair of rookie agents of course <3)

Ahh, just some thoughts I wanted to share, because I love Robin very much haha

And you're entirely right!

Working at the agency is not the best job for anyone's mental health, which is why we have the theme of senior agents providing the comfort they never got, trying to keep the newbies spark alive. They know how much it hurts, and while they might not be self-aware enough to realize the parallels, they instinctively step in.

For senior agent Robin in particular, the road wasn't easy. While they did evade the gut punches of a senior agent they actually admire making them feel bad about having fun, the scathing remarks they were met with still stung.

It balanced out a bit more because they worked alone most of the time as soon as it became somewhat obvious that they just don't click with any of those agents. So while solo missions might be lonely, and they can't share that joy, it's... Better? They don't second-guess every idea, they trust themself more, and don't feel like they have to adapt to someone - so yeah, they work better alone.

It's not quite what baby Robin imagined when they joined the agency - but they do get their fun! They get that secret agent/ spy movie vibe, they get to parkour, and they have impeccable insurance because the agency sees their employees as investments. They have their house, even though half of it is empty, and their life is good!

It's...

good.

Right?

It's fine. They have everything they need, they don't need to worry about paying the bills, they get to do what they love for work.

But then they gain a rival, and boy does that change the game. There's someone who doesn't have an issue with their little quirks, or only teases them about it without actually dismissing their ideas. There's someone who sticks around, even if they feel threatened by the quick rise of ranks.

Because that's the thing. Robin is so deep in their isolation, they cannot fathom that anyone would want to simply be with them, or enjoy their company. They have to aim for their spot, or something similar. That's the only explanation Robin can come up with.

But then it becomes a pattern, and despite their wariness, Robin gets used to the contact. Just... Someone to actually talk to. They missed it, they realize. Frequent and regular contact that is not a supervisor, and it's more than the small talk they get when they run errands.

So that’s why they - so coincidentally - decide to finally do something with that other half of their home. Roommates are a built in social circle - surely tenants can’t be too different, if they get good ones? 

It’s an important step for Robin, actually. Because before that they were very, very defensive about any vulnerability, any friendship in their life. With that, they go down to “just” defensive, and, thanks to their years of social isolation in their “this is fine” cage, awkwardness when they do want to talk to someone they like

It’s also why they step in to defend their rival, so early in the rivalry, because that is the one person who tolerates them and their antics, and the one person they at least somewhat get along with. I joke about the boys being simps and getting attached so quickly, but really, Robin looked at the guy who offered a crumb of friendly socialization, and went “actually, that’s mine now. My rival. No one gets to talk shit about him or they’ll have to deal with me.” The fact that some of those derogatory comments are about how the things unique to Dusk/ Dawn and how they enjoy their work only makes that sentiment stronger.

The respective rival entering Robin’s life is what convinces them that maybe, they are lonely, and that’s why they are the one to start and take off a couple bricks from their metaphorical walls, and make all of AU possible in the first place

And, bonus, because I’m unhinged and it’s past dinnertime so I won’t start writing on the next drabble but I CAN write this, the situation breakdown in Hatchling AU! 

The scorn Dusk/ Dawn face is different from the one Robin faces, just a bit. Yes, they’re both a little peculiar in their methods, Dusk with his bedtime gimmick and Dawn with his flair for the dramatic, but they’re also an animatronic. And as animatronic they simply face a lot of prejudice still, up until and including the rumors that they aren’t actually that good, and only get the attention and reputation because they’re not human. 

(No one seems to have any braincells dedicated to the idea that perhaps being a very memorable animatronic could have disadvantages too, but yknow)

But it’s enough of a parallel that even these two (individually, of course) look at a newbie agent who is so obviously having fun with it all, and while they are already deep in their denial of fun (I’ll get to it), they just… They don’t actually want Robin to lose that. They don’t want to be to Robin what other agents were to them. 

They didn’t want it for themselves, either. They just can’t admit that they were actually hurt yet. 

So, their denial! Both Dusk and Dawn are somewhat subtle - Robin has the personalized gadgets, and very boisterous when actually on the job and not defensive towards the newbie. But Dusk only applies his gimmick when he meets hostiles, and otherwise it’s just the hat, which people look past easily enough once they get used to the sight. Dawn is simply over the top, and follows his scripts religiously, but doesn’t do anything that’s really considered out of line, or unusual for secret agents. 

So they can easily convince themselves that they’re simply shunned for their animatronic status (pointedly ignoring the admittedly few other animatronic agents, probably) and that they’re super serious secret agents - but to them, it’s not as fun as it is for Robin. They joined because Eclipse paved the way, and they were very used to job hopping. The agency makes sure they do enjoy the benefits enough to stay - but their metaphorical hearts aren’t really in it, and so where Robin kept some of their spark, Dusk and Dawn don’t even allow themselves the idea of the job being “fun”. It’s a job, and it pays the bills, and they like the insurance and that there doesn’t have to be any secrecy between them and their brother, but that’s it. It could be any job - is what they tell themselves. 

But it couldn’t, really. They had fun with the idea, and started their own little “thing”, and they still stick to that! They just also feel lonely, and like something is missing - approval, and validation, and friendly interactions. 

As newbies, one half of them does get that from the get go (after training), and the other half is 1) kept uplifted by his counterparts enthusiasm, and 2) gains a friend himself in his neighbor, and 3) gains a rival himself before things get that bad. 

All of canon (up until the confessions on the cruise mission) plays out within like one and a half years, plus minus a couple months. For hatchling au that timeline stretches a bit - closer to two years, maybe - because their relationships were a little tenser, and because there it was Robin breaking down their walls, and not them out of their own volition. But when I speak of years that the senior agents were on their own for, I usually think along the lines of 3 to 4 years (of course, go wild - this is my guideline for myself, not a rule), so the isolation sits deep for the senior agents. 

So in Hatchling AU, they start getting those missing things in Robin! Though our little bird struggles to break down the walls the boys don’t even realize they’ve built, they do! With enough time Dusk and Dawn realize that socialization can be nice, actually, when the other person is also nice and not a complete and utter cactus (shocker), and slowly warm up to their rival/ neighbor. They’re still stuck in their old mindset though, which makes them very, very awkward (sound familiar? <3), even as they do try to be friendly. 

And that’s where we are right now with those drabbles - while the reveal is not canon, everything up until Robin’s name slip is. In canon, and the way I originally intended to write it out, they simply say “he’s not so bad”, and Dusk simply goes “hmmm, respectfully, I’m pressing X to doubt”, making them laugh even more, and then they leave for HQ. 

The next part, for which I’ve scrapped the title I originally wanted (I’m keeping that one for an unspecified future drabble, maybe - it has potential), will be titled in tone with “Closer” - “Home”. We’ve seen Dusk awkwardly tip toeing the line of friendship and rivalry and what’s more than just a little crush, and in the next part, Sun will get that same attention, so do look forward to that <3

#answer let luce #chaotikanvas #accidentally undercover #au alt timeline #hatchling au #alrightly then this is over 1.5K words have fun <3 #I went a little beyond just your question #no one is surprised and no one is complainining #now to wait until you tell me you've reached your goal >:3c

[failurefemmegf]

Vent of something I've had on my mind lately. Any advice is welcome.

tw: discussion of sex and sexuality, sexual trauma, kink

I don't have a healthy relationship with sex. Maybe I've never had, and maybe no one does.

First things first, I am in my early-mid twenties, and I am a virgin. The only shame I find in being a virgin is the shame that's be instilled in me by society. I am also sexually attracted to women.

I have been sexualized and exposed to sexuality from a very young age. I have unclear memories of CSA, along with some very strange memories with my sister when we were children. I won't go into detail on those.

I went through puberty earlier compared to my peers and developed breasts earlier than my peers. This lead to comments from the boys in my classes and body image issues I still struggle with, including gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. When I attempted to vent my struggles online to women who I though could help me, I was instead sexualized and predated on by men, the attention of which I welcomed because I was a young, barely-teen girl.

I exposed myself to porn and misogynistic content against women from my early teens onwards. Kink, especially hard kink in fiction/fanfiction like rape, age gaps and pedophilia, and incest became a major part of my life from my teen years onwards. I was fascinated by these topics, and that fascination was encouraged by my peers. I engaged and consumed roleplay, fanfiction, and hentai on a daily basis. The entire basis of my sexuality seemed to be sculpted around sexual violence, and I feel lucky that I was never taken advantage of during this time.

I continued to be sexualized and pursued by men, especially my male friends since I struggled to make female friends (autism + niche interests + mental health issues). I welcomed male attention but I hated waiting for their attraction to become overt. I liked being pursued, hated being caught. Eventually this culminated in me being severely sexually harassed by one male friend in college, white-knighted by another male friend who proceeded to isolate me away from everyone else int he friend group, and then both of them dropped me when they realized I wasn't going to fuck them. I became actively suicidal and agoraphobic during that final semester of college, and fell back into fiction and hard kink to escape.

Now that I've become much more critical of the content I consume, and have begun to explore my sexuality as a lesbian, I find myself so lost. Any depictions of sex, especially sex with men, make me uncomfortable. I refuse to watch live-action porn for good reason, and drawn porn/hentai seems so alien to me now. I can't read erotica, as I find most erotica male-centric, whether that be because it's meant for straight women, or it's lesbian erotica written by men. And I can't fantasize anything because I don't knwo what a healthy sexual relationship looks like, and I'm so dissociated from my own body I can't imagine myself as a sexual being with agency.

I do crave intimacy. I just don't know what it looks like. I can't even imagine what it looks like. I cna't even talk about sex or pleasure without feeling a gnawing sense of guilt and shame. I feel like I went from drowning to dying of thirst (ha).

I don't know where to go from here.

#sex negativity #sex repulsed #erotophobia #sex positivity #sex critical #kink critical #radfem #feminism #sexuality #lesbian #intimacy

[mal-zoya]

so ‘the invisble life of addie larue’ is a book, alright. i wanted a single, non-series, book for my vacation but since i’m sick, i binged this monster in day and a half. and...  i understand why booktok and booktubers love this, the writing style is pretentious as fuck, it’s like, i know the author is dark academia girl, i don’t need to google her, i know she is. on the other hand i don’t mind, it’s a vibe, i think this book is meant to be enjoyed in the autumn evening, somewhere cozy with hot cocoa. unfortunately, it’s almost summer and i’m on cough drops.

this is my review, with spoilers. buckle up. i went off.

three main character. addie, miss main girl. henry, “the boy” and luc aka lucifer. the devil.

i very much appreciate luc. he is a straight up cunt. no darkling-like motives to even delude himself that he tries to do good, no no, he is just a freak. which is great, i like him and i hate him. but as everything in this book, he lacks depth. with him, i could forgive it for the sake of mystery. addie is fine, i like her with henry but she is fine. problem i have with her that she lacks agency, she has no goals, no plans until the very last page. yes, she is an invisible girl but damn it girl, do something, be something, anything! henry tho... yes, hello, it is me, who when she sees self destructive boy, i’m like ‘yes! that one!’ his pov is by far the most interesting one but

i hate the fact his addiction and depression are treated like something that can be fixed by love. which is crazy because it is said that it can’t be, he is literally suicidal because of his ex-girlfriend, he makes deal with the devil just “to be loved,” cue 200 pages later, he is fine because he experienced “love.” (yes, the quotation marks are there for a reason, hold up.) i don’t even think this was intentional by the author but i had that feeling and i did not like it. point is, henry strauss didn’t need addie. he needed a therapist. which he didn’t get and as far as i remember no one even suggested it.

speaking of addie, she is a human who no longer feels like human, who craves human connection and in the end she is like eh, it’s fine. this was nice 12 months break in my 300 years of living. and that’s fine but i feel like we should’ve leaned into it more? where is some introspection? where is some soul searching? anything addie, give me anything, don’t be just standing emoji! you are main character ffs!

i already lost my shit over the generic love triangle. which is and isn’t true, it’s painted as a love triangle but no one is actually in love. luc doesn’t know what love even is. addie just wants to be seen and not be alone and henry is in the middle of depressive episode. and yet, it’s all painted as dark and sexy (luc/addie) and fluffy (henry/addie) and again - that would be fine, if addie and henry weren’t openly bi and luc immortal god. i’m sorry, why are we doing this? what is the reason??? i’m bi (myself) and i love representation as much as anyone else, and i am also a big fan of bi/pan people portrayed in straight relationships because that’s just how it usually ends up but it doesn’t erase the sexuality itself, so when i tell you there is absolutely no reason whatsofucking ever to write this “love” triangle as m/f/m relationship, i mean it. why is henry not a woman is beyond me. why is not luc’s and henry’s relationship explored at all is beyond me too.

i haven’t mentioned the side characters yet because honestly, just like with the main trio, there is not much to say. bea is best friend lesbian. she is nice. great. robbie is ex-boyfriend. he is cool. great. muriel is weird younger sister. awesome. addie met some one night stands that i forgot as fast as they did forget her. (there is a cat named Book, which is probably the best thing about this.... book)

i am actually really angry because this piece of literature had potential. it didn’t even need to deliver on all fronts, just one would be enough. i could ignore the weakass plot for deep and interesting characters. i could ignore the underdeveloped characters for the chemistry they have with each other. i could ignore the lack of it for exploration of darker themes. i could ignore the darker themes failing for representation of queer relationships. this book has all of that but it’s all just hinted. it’s a tea spoon of this and pinch of that - you are not making mojito out of this, honey!

here is the thing, i can actually recommend this book. yes, after i totally destroyed it in six paragraphs. this is a book that is meant to give you a vibe, immortal love story with dark stranger vs human love with antique bookstore owner. (my eyes rolled back so hard just writing this line.) if you want just that and cozy up by the fireplace when leafs starts to fall down, it’s perfect. go for it. you will probably love it. i knew going into this that this isn’t the book for me. i am way too cynical, way too critical and beyond fed up with enemies to lovers bad boy/good girl relationships. so all of this is just a rant of someone after reading the thing they never like.

5/10 if you are me. 8/10 if you are probably anyone else.

#the invisible life of addie larue #addie larue #henry strauss #luc whatever

[biblade]

Okay, so now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I’m gonna go ahead and dissect the issues I found regarding s2 pertaining to Mal.

It feels strange to say considering I was expecting the opposite when anticipating the new season, but I didn’t hate the direction that they took his character in. A lot of the other characters were changed to fit the narrative, but I feel like at their core book Mal and show Mal are very much the same with some parts omitted for the sake of the storyline.

But there still was a lot omitted and changed that left much to be desired. Ultimately, show Mal is the “best” version of him. Show Mal was catering to the people who hated him in the books, and for that, he was stripped of all of the struggles he faced and the pain and instead reduced to one thing: the simply happy ending for Alina, the obvious choice, the perfect endgame love interest. Is this what Mal was always meant to be on the surface regardless of portrayal? Yes. Does it work for the direction the show was going? Yeah, sure.

So, I didn't hate it. If anything, it feels like he was one of the least disrespected characters, and Archie gave it his all.

But here's the thing:

If you're going to entirely change a character's ending, you have to have some force driving behind that besides one randomly dropped line late in the game about him thinking "like Sturmhond." Because stripping him of characteristics that don't pertain to his relationship with Alina (like showing that he craves freedom, like letting us see how comfortable he is at sea and around people and him laughing and joking and being free) just doesn't work when you've made a character whose entire personality is Alina. Am I supposed to feel happy for Mal to have gained that freedom when at the same time it feels like he's lost everything, has lost everything? He's grieving that piece of himself that died, and now he's losing Alina too. Why don't I feel like he's getting something back?

And the running gag of "don't touch that" when he's on the ship, subjecting him to playing a character but given no control of the ship, just doesn't work. The humor loses all meaning when you feel like he's not suited for this. One scene of him being explained how being a pirate works, of being trained, of talking to the crew of the Volkvolny would have made a difference.

That's not to say I didn't like the ending! It worked for him, for who he is in this story! He's been given the chance to have agency and find a purpose beyond being the love interest, the promise of having some complexity that was taken from him to rush the narrative along. It just very much feels like, with everything they did in the season, his character went from Point A to Point B without much thought of what happened between those two. Isn't it supposed to be about the journey, the adventure?

I'm not going to discuss the way in which he was brought back. As much as I love the idea of "comes back wrong," if s3 happened did ANYTHING to him they would not be safe from these hands. It's a good concept, and probably makes more sense than the book's resurrection, but right now I don't like it. He has been a puppet to his bloodline and merzost for long enough, don't make it worse. (But also, if merzost brought him back, why did he still lose his amplifier powers? It feels like they just wanted him to lose something.)

Regarding the revelation of him being the Firebird — it worked well, but was a little too in-your-face about it. The entire appeal for me is that you aren't supposed to know, Mal is supposed to be Just Some Guy Who's Really Good At Tracking until he's the key to everything. But from the moment the season started, everyone was questioning why he knew what he did. It lost some of the gut-wrenching realization of what would have to happen to him, to see the pieces fit together so early on.

So, yes. I have problems with it, but I didn't hate Mal. And down the line, I will likely make an au to explore the show's storyline, but I will keep my focus on book based interactions because that's my Mal.

#grishaverse spoilers #s&b spoilers #this went on longer than i expected but i have so many thoughts and this is just surface level #mal is my boy. i own the rights to him now. #╰ 🗡 𝐎𝐎𝐂 — himbo energy but like lesbian

[psychelis-new]

Hey Lys, I'd like to give my two cents on what you said to fs/celeb crush anon because I have THOUGHTS on the way I see a lot of people treat the whole fs concept.

Sometimes it feels like people think about their FS kind of like an arranged marriage: the universe you put this random person in your life and you'll have no choice but to marry them because destiny has chosen it for you. And like, things are not like that at all. Your FS is your FS because you chose them.

You have agency in your life and your FS is simply someone future you thought would be nice to spend their lifes with. If I say that one year from now you'll have waffles for dinner it isn't because destiny will take away all the food in your pantry and waffles will be your only option, but simply because a year from now future you will be like "well I'm kinda craving waffles today" fir whatever reason and choose to eat it.

And, like you said, if it's someone you chose to be with it's because you like their traits, and if you like their traits it's only natural that you'll like other people that seem to have those same traits.

Sorry for ranting in your ask box, I just really feel like we should shift the way we treat this topic.

Agree with you generally BUT let me specify a few things too. I as well say that we're always in charge of our life and destiny, and it can change anytime, anyday, exactly cause we grow according on what we experience, the people we meet, the things we do and learn step by step. But so does everyone around us (not even rocks stay the same all the time, e.g. rain erodes them).

The "destined person/fs" is an energy that may resonate with you at the time of the reading, and it has traits that you are trying to attract in your life at that moment, be it cause of a lesson or as a treat (or traits that you find attractive in that moment of your life). Psychologically speaking, it's not uncommon for us to fall for people that also have traits we find attractive cause of our own hidden traumas (even when we're not aware of them): celebs crushes are the best example for people who have insecurities and abandonment issues, js. Ofc, it doesn't have to be so for everyone: as mentioned in the other ask and by you up here, it's also a matter of recognizing what we like in a person (maybe also confronting our tastes with those of other fans).

Anyway. As I also said, it is not impossible to have a (past life?) connection with someone, or to have a soulmate (not a random person). And okay, you don't have to end up marrying them (cause of free choice being always a chance as you mentioned, cause we're in charge of our life, and cause we cannot predict every single detail that will happen in the future), but it's a soul that somehow, you are supposed to end up meeting. At least at a certain moment of your life (reading time-wise: again, your choices may even change that; but i believe there's a soul for each one of us that we need to meet no matter what. Not sure abt the reason, so don't come at me telling me it's FS. It could be, but it could just be a lesson). This (not the lesson) is what I am talking about when channeling FS readings and when I speak about your "destined person": someone that, as everyone else in this life, experiences things, grows, and who is not supposed to have a fixed energy through their whole life (exactly as you change, and changes what you like or not, they do too. And this change in them may even correspond with you changing your likes and learning lessons through your life, and viceversa. It may not be for everyone, okay, but it could be. And ofc a lot has to say timing in this change and meeting: we may find the right person but something may be off, and it could even be for a reason too - e.g. the lesson above).

Now, this said, people these days are feeling lonely and lost, and because of this, they need to believe that they will meet this person, that they're destined to them and nobody else. That this person is just for them: it may be a toxic view caused by traumas (we have no idea how minds work sometimes), but is it that wrong to believe in this dream of having someone just for them? As long as it helps them feel good and stay hopeful, I don't see anything bad in it. Also cause it could really be the case, as stated above: I am not sure of anything when it comes to 5d, I only believe in fate, and I cannot know everyone's fate. If something has to be, it will be. If someone has a contract with another soul and they won't decide to break it (for any reason)... there's nothing I can say. I'm with you when you say many on here are taking this FS topic a bit too far and treat it as an obsession, but let's also consider the external factors of life nowadays (and also that many minors are here: darlings I'm not saying you're naive or anything bad, quite the opposite). Life is tough, we all have different problems, we heal and sometimes crawl through life, and we need to believe that something good is ahead, we need to believe that it's waiting for us, especially love (of any type: we're humans, we historically live to have relationships). As long as people learn to dream about their person and still balance this dream with living their present life the best they can, taking courage to go out and about and be present, and creating themselves occasions to get in touch with actual people and learn from these real relationships (also about themselves not just others), let's let them. We'll all likely find the FS of our dreams (or almost) this way.

#. #there's always more than a point of view to look at things and we never know which is right until we experience it oursleves #and its gonna be right for us anyway #not necessarily for others too #in short: what if you think you choose them but it's all cause actually you “had” to? :) #cause of all you went through and what you made of yourself #well never know ig