#i just don't know. i wish i could have a life and have a future but i cannot think beyond that

[ninothebirb]

WE WERE ONCE ONE

Content Warning: Angst, fluff, implied sex, gn!reader, one sided love, minors dni, cheesy stuff?, mental trauma, etc

Please read the previous chapters (1, 2, 3) and the prologue if you haven't already!

Chapter 4: You and me

Might be the last chapter I think.

You spent the next few weeks locking yourself up, refusing to interact with anyone. Jing Yuan would visit you everyday, only to be told by Bailu that you weren't taking any visitors. Until he snapped, and snuck into your room from the window instead.

"Jing Yuan- seriously?" You threw the pillow you were clutching onto, on his face. "Hey, I can't stand seeing you like this." He rolled his eyes, shrugging off the pillow and walking over to your bed. "I'm pissed at you. So much." His tone changed almost immediately, it was somewhat a mix of worry and frustration.

"Why are you angry? I should be pissed at you, not the other way around." You glared at him, those gorgeous orbs of yours were hurt. He could see it, he could see the pain behind them. "Fuck (reader) you don't get it...you just wouldn't move on! You- went ahead and blindly depended on his existence- without considering any fucking factors!!"

This was the first time you had heard him raise his voice, and your natural reaction was to flinch. "Do you have any idea- how much I care for you- how much I worry every time for your mental fucking state. I wish that we would go back to them time when you trusted me with your life!" His hands were gripping your shoulders tight by now, trembling and shaking.

You were speechless, Jing Yuan, the smug general was on the verge of tears in front of your very eyes. "You refused to- to even hear what I had to say a-and- you left me alone- I hate you so much for that, but I fucking love you too." The intensity of the moment was eating you up, you thought he was the one without any suffering. Turns out this man had been going just as crazy as everyone in the post high cloud quintet.

"Y-You- you what?! Jing Yuan- you know I've devoted my whole being to Dan Feng how could you ever-" You were suddenly interrupted by him pulling you close to his heart, and you could hear his sniffles and sobs. "Please...give me a chance-" Nothing could describe the amount of emotions you were feeling. Confusion? Anxiety? Whatever it was, it was incomprehensible.

The two of you stayed like that for a while, his heartbeat was loud and his crying had fainted away. "You're an idiot." You mumbled against his chest softly, not sure how to respond to what he had just said. You gently retracted from the hug when you got no answer, only to find out he had fallen asleep.

The thought of Jing Yuan liking you all this time led you to a plethora of confusing thoughts. He had been your best friend- but you never saw him in that way. But- your heart worked in a different way. Being so deprived of affection and the feeling of being wanted for all these years made you have second thoughts.

You placed a blanket on him, and walked over to your balcony, indulging in the unsolved puzzle that your mind had turned into. You glanced back at Jing Yuan, going into a completely different relationship wasn't the best idea- but it was something you desired deeply. Dan Feng had moved on- going so far as to change his name. He didn't do it on purpose however, his memories had been wiped out.

Maybe...you needed some change. Maybe you could give this a chance and let yourself go for the time being. After all- you could never had predicted at that time what a future could uphold, so you couldn't predict it now either.

After a few hours, Jing Yuan had woken up with you sitting by his side. "I'm sorry..." He whispered softly, getting up. "Why?" You placed down the book you were reading, he was about to leave. You immediately grabbed a hold of his hand, making him stop in his steps. "I really shouldn't have said all that I-"

Your lips were now connected in a soft and sensual kiss, it was a gentle touch between you two. As if nothing mattered in that very moment except for you and Jing Yuan. He was left gaping after the kiss- completely jaw dropped. "I...thought about it- I s'pose...we can try.." You spoke so gently, walking up closer to him. He wrapped his arms around you once again- keeping you in his embrace. But this time it wasn't for comfort- it was to share what you had made. Together.

And that very night you guys fuck. Be top or bottom you can imagine whatever you want.

#jing yuan x gn reader #jing yuan x reader #honkai star rail #slow burn #honkai star rail x reader #gn reader #gender neutral reader #hsr #wewereonceone #romance #hsr fluff #fluffy #Jing Yuan x gender neutral reader

[icewindandboringhorror]

There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz #ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and #then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc. #Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific #cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or #etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as #you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on #accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have #as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence #of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate #versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a #neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest #ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling #and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for #documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like #sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I #can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If #I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my #ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ?? #Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be #accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor #focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it #were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan #that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is #some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my #kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means #i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m #in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in #one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability #& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

Walking In Two Worlds & The Everlasting Road

YA sff set in the near future where an opensource augmented reality is commonly used like social media, and there’s also a completely virtual fantasy game version

follows an Anishinaabe girl who who’s the top player in the VR game, and is constantly fighting to keep her place against the misogynist neo-nazi group in second place

as well as her real life, dealing with being a shy and self-conscious teen growing up on the Rez, and her brother having cancer

and a Uyghur boy who’s moved to her community from China after finding acceptance in an online community (even when he doesn’t agree with their more extreme views) - but when he gets to know Bugz, he has to decide who truly deserves his loyalty

great mix of sff and culture, the future while also very real community traumas of the past (and present)

#walking in two worlds #the everlasting road #wab kinew #aroaessidhe 2024 reads #This has some REALLY interesting and important concepts! #I just think it could have used some more development… Obvs this is YA and I’m an adult I know I’m not quite the audience! #There’s a lot of depth in the setup of the characters but I feel like it skips a lot of the progression #I think there could have been space for more development in a lot of places to make the story feel more dimensional #- but also has so many plot threads that maybe that would have bulked it out too much #It does also jump around quite a bit between the different parts but I think that makes sense with how juggling with irl / online life. #she’s got a lot of internalised fatphobia at the start (and the love interest going “I don’t think you’re fat!!” when people call her fat.. #then in book 2 suddenly she’s okay about it - again I wish there was some progression! #her brothers cancer journey is. basically all offscreen lol mostly as set up for plot in book 2. so it doesn't have the emotional impact it #could have.. #I liked the way it integrates her culture into the game in a really cool way (though I would have liked more detail there) #also having auto language translators but they regularly don't translate quite right / still run into issues - realistic! #the parallels drawn between his being taken from his family and put in a state education school and Indigenous residential schools #the way that a future world will never be as separate from the past as ur average sff future often portrays #but yeah anyway lots of good ideas execution not so much for me..

[prehistoric-rat]

in finland our biggest pride event canceled their partnership with our biggest political party because the party hadn't voted in agreement about our new trans law (to allow self-ID and remove requirement of being sterile (yeah really)) (the party had ruled it a “matter of conscience” and abt 1/3 voted against), and now our news are full of the members of that party being pissed abt it and our likely next prime minister commenting how this is “sad and offends many people”, and ppl are flocking to lament and mock how pride is so intolerable and how u have to have 100% correct opinions in order to participate and i'm

#rat.pov #i KNOW cis ppl who don't care really don't care and can't even pretend to care but somehow it still shocks me how unbelievable this shit is #they're literally like #''OH SO WE AS A PARTY HAD TO BE unanimously against forced sterilisation to be welcomed to your lil gay festival?? you ungrateful shits'' #NBSFBEJFBEHJBHRNJETNJRMGNRGRGNERM #THEY DON'T EVEN GET THE ABSURDITY OF WHAT THEY'RE SAYING #some MPs of the party have literally said they won't now attend pride because of this #ok that's cool really don't care except that #yes we know you really Really REALLY don't care abt human rights but could you at least think of a less ridiculous way to announce it #can you imagine your members voting against our human rights might also have offended some people CAN YOU IMAGINE H BHBHRH #(they can't bc ppls brain are full of ''this is not an issue that touches normal real life people'' and ''your everyday person doesn't #even understand trans issues''. if only trans people were real everyday people :/) #also the future prime minister just said ''this is very sad and it does feel like a political move instead of an appropriate one'' #??????????????????? i'm at a loss #what the fuck do you even mean. #how. HOW do you expect politics to not be political what the. fUCK is wrong with you grow a GODDAMN BRAIN? #and ppl in general like ''oh so pride is full on political now'' #I'M BEGGING YOU.WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN WHAT HAS IT EVER BEEN EXCEPT POLITICAL #i know people think it's a funny gay carnival just to piss off straights and conservative christians but I WISH I COULD LAUGH. #it would be funny if it was #. #sorry to rant on side but i had to scream into a void somewhere

[bunnyb34r]

I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse

#marquilla #im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's #gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a #dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you #incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and #theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future #and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to #be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS #so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff #bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then?? #like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist #s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with #the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit #like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and #that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man #i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully #but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL #affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow?? #idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.

[seapasture]

feeling unprecedented levels of alienation, fear, and depression tonight <- said for the 292nd time this year

#i really don't feel quite right afsgdggs i seem to have a very myopic perception of my life and future at the moment and it's not good! #i feel a perpetual mix of anger and envy when i'm around other people to the extent that isolating myself is increasingly appealing #at the same time i generally feel very miserable about the direction of my existence and my prospects and everything feels pointless #i don't really feel happy about things anymore haha #i don't know... i'm honestly really minimising how i'm feeling because i don't want to seem whiny as usual but i feel really bad #i just wish i could live somewhere quiet and rural and write and paint and have no expectations hanging over my head #but i constantly feel sad and dissociated so that fantasy seems worthless and out of reach #i'm in therapy but it's not doing much... i don't really know what else there is haha :( my brain is truly broken #i know i should try and distract myself with books and games and things but i can't seem to. i'm too far back into my own head #i don't know how to pull myself out :( i want to scream #sea rambles

[meltedhorror]

I always hoped we'd rot together, that the day the earth reclaimed my bones it'd be by the side of you. . . Maybe if I close my eyes and believe enough, it'll come true eventually. . .

#my art #own art #oc #ask to tag #wewo #ik I'm drawing wewo a lot rn but he's just become my comfort character atm #comfort character that I hurt and project all my hurts to <3 #it hurts so fucking bad when you just want things to be okay for once and want to get a chance to breathe and then it just... ends up worse #a friend told me recently they didn't know whether I forgive people easily or if I'm impossible to get forgiveness from at all #and at this point I don't know either #I'm a puzzle even to myself at times and it's frustrating when at least I should know what's going on in my own head #to quote a great game #now all that remains are our regrets #and I have a lot of them for a lot of things #can never take back what happened but can at least try to look towards the future and make the best of whats to come #if I pretend enough maybe it never even happened and everything would be okay again #could have life back to normal again #it would be easy to just lay down and never have an opinion again and take the fall for everything like I've always done #depression is a vile thing that only ruins everything it touches and I wish I didn't have it

[scarletcomet]

ngl besties but i am not doing so great right now. anyone else not able to function because of constant thoughts of hurting yourself and crushing depression?

#im good dont worry #i don't even know how to feel better #all i do is try to keep myself distracted 100% of the time but that means I can't do things that i need to do #im in a therapy program 25 hours a week #but i don't know what to share during process group because there was no trigger for all of this. i just feel so shitty for no reason #i did a lot of cbt and dbt when i was younger so the skills aren't very useful to me even if i wanted to use them #when i talk to the therapist one on one i just tell her about how i want to kill myself and stuff #i don't even really want to get better because that means that i won't kill myself and have to be alive #but i know that i can't kill myself so i need to get better. i don't want to though. #i feel like no one can help me including myself even if i tried really hard because i just can't stop these thoughts #i can't go on like this. when you feel like this and don't feel safe then you're supposed to go to the emergency room #and they will probably send you to the psych ward. but i was just there and they barely helped me. #i know that i have a bright future ahead of me and i will get my degree next year from a good university in an employable field #i know i have such a good life and a bright future but i don't want it #i feel like a horrible person and so ungrateful for saying that #anyways i guess i just need to keep trying to get through each day even though i don't want to and it's so fucking hard #my suicidal thoughts are actually getting a little better but they are still almost constant and overwhelming #and sometimes i can't help but make suicide plans which i know if concerning but i haven't actually taken any steps towards carrying out #those plans #i just wish that that i could be dead. it would solve all my problems. but my family and ffriends would be sad. #if i can't kill myself and i always feel so bad how do i keep getting through each day? #i don't know how much longer i can live like this. ive already lived longer than i thought i would before i was hospitalized #but if i can't die and i can't feel better then what do i do? i can't function like this or do the things i need to do #and each day it gets harder and harder #i think i need to share some of this shit during process group tomorrow lol #i guess just about feeling stuck and like i'll never feel better and not being sure if i want to get better?

[longagoitwastuesday]

.

#I talk too much #Cyrano de Bergerac #I feel like dying because of this play again. I don't know if in a good or bad way #I feel exhilarated and nervous and I would like to drink existence from a silver cup‚ #but at the same time existence is hazy and misty and barely there at all #All that seems real is that which is nor real. The concept of what is written as if in its platonic form #and not even the words on paper that make me want to tear my chest apart and left me frustrated and trembling with emotion in equal parts #All that seems real is the shadow of someone desperate begging to someone else to not call a third person. And that's it. That's all #All of existence‚ past‚ present and future‚ is sustained just by the emotivity that evokes a scene that never took place #The condition of possibility of this scene existing in some way‚ even in a falsehood‚ as cause of reality itself #What I mean is that I'm reading and it feels like this is all there is to existence‚ #but in a falling onto the realisation that is more a forgetting life than anything else‚ #and yet that forgetfulness tastes like the closest rawest way of feeling alive #What I mean is that I'm reading and forgetting I exist while feeling more alive than I've felt in years‚ #so alive I am no longer here‚ a 'no longer here' more present than anywhere else I've been in years #What I mean is that I'm reading and it's such a joy I wish I could die of it‚ to make it stop‚ because of how much it hurts #But the blood tastes so sweet I wouldn't change it for anything #I should probably delete this later #And read something else‚ or go back to not reading and do something useful #This is why I stopped reading. I'm unable to have a normal life if I love something‚ entirely incapable of getting anything of profit done

[somelazyassartist]

.

#I'm having another one of those 'i want to kill myself' nights #I'm a financial burden to everyone in my life #between all my medical issues plus needing a wheelchair plus probably needing my wisdom teeth taken out #all of which are incredibly expensive #it's not fair to anybody to have to try to deal with me like this #I'm not worth going into fucking debt over and I'm not getting any better either so what's the fucking point #if i was gone I'd stop being so fucking expensive to just keep alive #not to mention with my medical stuff i have to 'work from home' now which isn't exactly stable income #there's no guarantee how much money I'll make or how soon I'll make it which wouldn't be fair to any future roommates #i want to be able to put in as much as they would. i want to be able to pay my share of the rent and have extra to chip in with #and I'd never be fit to be a husband or father. as much as i wish i could be i just know i can't do it. #I'm in pain all the time and can't do a lot. I'm not very strong. my memory issues make it hard to keep track of anything #not to mention I've got some issues that y'know. could lead to a higher risk of maternal mortality #so even if i tried i might just fucking die anyways #I'm far too expensive to take care of. i could never make enough in 10 lifetimes to pay people back. i could never be a husband or father. #I'm so tired of being a burden to everyone i love #they deserved so much better and i want them to be happy and i just don't see how me continuing to be around does any good #they'd all be so much better off without me i can't do anything and i could never give back as much as i want to #i want to put in an equal amount of effort and money and care and love #and i know I'm not doing that and i hate it and I'm trying so hard to get to a place where i can but nothing's working #I'm so tired of being a burden. i just wish i wasn't so fucking hard to take care of. i wish i didn't need to be taken care of at all. #things really would be better if i were gone. i don't think anyone could convince me otherwise #I'd stop being in so much pain all the time and the people i love wouldn't have to put up with my dead weight (no pun intended) #everyone's lives would be so much easier if i wasn't in them #gods how fucking selfish is it of me that i haven't done it already? #i don't deserve anybody's kindness and my friends and family don't deserve to put up with my bullshit anymore #i just want them to be happy #vent #suicide tw #suicide trigger warning

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#sigh #i don't think im ever going to get over losing two close friends... #i can't believe im going through this again.. #Edward if only you were alive and not me.. you would have accomplished so much more than i have in these 17 years since you died #i still can't believe i lost my best friend at 10 years old and now i lost two close close friends again... #so much of me just wants to quit.. i have done nothing to build a future with and i know im not close to anyone #everyone of my friends have closer friends... im just here I'm only living for my parents right now #i can't fathom the pain they'll be in I already attempted before and failed and they have no clue of it that was in 2018... #and now its 2022 an ive lost such great friends again i wish i had the bravery to try again but i can't stop seeing my moms face man fuck #im such a failure of a son of a student and as a friend... i dont deserve to have good things... #I've been stuck like this for years this is all my doing and now im turning 27 and im still not doing anything with my life #i don't think i can take this much longer #i really feel my thoughts getting the better of me and im afraid of what ima do to myself in the future... #whats wrong with me i used to be such a happy cheerful person with always something quirky to say... #and now im just this lonely slob of nothingness that deserve nothing #im wearing myself out with these negative thoughts... i stopped taking my anti depression pills cause i want control of myself not sum pill #i still feel like yall are still here and we can just chill and smoke again #i wish i could be better and do better.. i just want to matter.. i want to feel seen and not forgotten of.. #im just a small note stamp in peoples pages left to be seen peripherally and skipped over i am nothing of use i bring nothing to anyone #i just wish i could die already i wish i could skip to my future death and leave this all behind.. i don't want to die before my parents.. #i can't bear to have my mom cry over me.. i was never good at anything other than being sad and lonely.. whats wrong with me #i just want to be loved to feel seen to feel wanted and not something they can just easily dismiss... i dont care about being a priority #i just want to matter and bring something positive to someone im never a good influence.. im such a horrible person...

[themagicalmedusa]

haha im not ok

#personal #knife talks #i need to lay in a moss patch in a forest and watch nature exist around me #I need a body that isn't broken #I'm unable to do so many things that i used to love and it's killing me #both literally and figuratively #fuck doctors fuck work fuck everything #i just want to see the love of my life #and spend time with my friends and family #not drain my limited resources endlessly for a system that wants me dead on several levels #i wish i could just live without the constant looming cloud of grief and helplessness #i know i have no future but i guess i don't get to enjoy the present either

[youngks-smile]

What I Want You To Know About Long COVID

Well lads, I've been suffering from Long COVID for over a year now. My life is at a complete standstill. I'm 25 years old and I'm too sick to go back to school, I can't work, I had to move back in with my parents and I'm still stuck here.

Here are just a few things I wish people knew about Long COVID, including things I didn't know myself until I got it.

COVID destroys your immune system. Yes, even if you don't have Long COVID. Are you getting sick more often now? When you get sick, does it last longer? There are many studies showing that COVID causes t cell depletion, even in mild COVID cases! T cells are how your body remembers how to fight off infections you've had before so losing those cells? Bad news.

Your initial infection can be mild and you can still get Long COVID. Right from Yale Medicine, "Most people with Long COVID had mild acute COVID." (This is also a good link for a basic Long COVID overview).

There can be a gap of time between when you "get better" from the initial COVID infection to the onset of Long COVID symptoms. Some people get sick with an initial COVID infection and never get better. Some get better and then weeks or months later start developing Long COVID symptoms. Long COVID symptoms can even fluctuate over time, can go away for months and then suddenly come back.

So many people have Long COVID and don't realize it. Do you feel more tired lately but no matter how much you sleep, nothing helps? Is it harder to concentrate at work or school? Can you just not think like you used to? You could have Long COVID and not even know it. Even mild post-COVID symptoms are still Long COVID.

COVID can do anything to your body. Long COVID has over 200 recognized symptoms and can affect basically any part or system of your body. There is no one mechanism or cause of Long COVID which unfortunately also means there's no one cure either.

The effects of COVID are cumulative. Each COVID reinfection increases your chances of developing Long COVID. COVID is also affecting your body in other ways, yes, even if you're otherwise young and healthy! "Repeat COVID-19 infections increase risk of organ failure, death".

Once you have Long COVID, repeat COVID infections will make your symptoms worse. "80% [of Long COVID patients] saw their symptoms worsen [from reinfection]. In 60% of people who were in recovery or remission from Long COVID, reinfection caused a recurrence of Long COVID."

There is a lot more I want to say about Long COVID but I want to keep this post at least somewhat manageable to read. Like how when COVID is contracted during pregnancy, those COVID-exposed fetuses have a 6.3-fold increased risk of motor developmental delays, or that another study found 50% of babies exposed to COVID in utero had developmental delays.

You need to keep caring about COVID, for others around you and also for yourself even if you're "healthy". Everyone is at risk. And don't forget 40-60% of COVID infections are asymptomatic, which is why masking even if you feel fine is crucial. The only way right now to not get Long COVID is to not get COVID in the first place. It's not too late, if you've stopped masking it's never too late to start again! I know it's easy to get distracted by things in your life that seem more real than the possibility of getting sick some time in the future, and the peer pressure to not mask can be intense. But it only feels less real or less important until your entire life is having Long COVID. Trust me.

I know this is a complicated issue, many people can't afford to stay home when sick even if they want to because of their jobs, there are disgusting policies trying to ban wearing masks, but please if you can. Keep masking. Masking works, masking saves lives.

This post got a bit longer than I wanted so below the cut is a non-exhaustive list of my Long COVID symptoms and some of my experiences as one of the "healthy young people" who got "unlucky". cw brief mention of suicidal ideation.

Welcome to the Thunderdome that is my body with Long COVID. Keep in mind these are just my experiences and symptoms, Long COVID can cause any range of symptoms at varying severities.

Dysautonomia: Exercise intolerance, Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM), fatigue, and heat intolerance. What do those things mean? Here's some specific examples. Absolutely terrible circulation I am so cold all the time but also, if I get a little too warm I will pass out. Eating hot food makes my heart rate spike, I sweat, my body feels heavy. Blood pooling and pins and needles in my feet when I walk. Don't even think about exercising past walking, it's impossible. I used to work out an hour a day 4 times a week and now walking up one flight of stairs makes my heart pound and I can't breathe. Can't take even just warm showers anymore or I will pass out. Heat rashes from being in the sun for 10 minutes.

Digestive issues: Honestly too many to name but: constant bloating, extreme nausea, constipation, slow motility, lack of appetite, just so much cramping and pain. I lost 18 pounds from Long COVID, as someone who was already considered underweight their entire life, and almost had to get a shunt put into my chest to deliver nutrients because I was nearly completely unable to eat. For the first 6 months of Long COVID, if I could manage 600 calories a day, that was a good day.

Histamine intolerance: Oh boy. My worst symptoms, I don't even know where to start with it. If you know Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) it's very similar. I can only eat 19 foods. If i eat a single bite of something not on that list, it's 48 hours of absolute hell. Coughing, migraines, itchy eyes, such extreme nausea I cannot even describe it, panic/feeling of doom, racing heart rate, derealization, rash, uncontrollable muscle tremors. I only learned about histamine intolerance 5 months into having Long COVID so before that, I was experiencing these symptoms nearly every single day. Terrifying isn't even a strong enough word to describe how it felt to experience all this and have no idea what it was, how to stop it, or if it would ever stop. Really dark times.

Neurological issues: More of that derealization. Inability to concentrate. Anxiety. OCD-like symptoms such as thoughts getting "stuck" in my head, repeating 24/7 completely unable to stop them, genuinely felt like my brain had cracked open and I had lost my mind. Constant dizziness like I'm on a boat.

Sleep issues: I sleep like garbage. I have insomnia, I wake up dozens of times every night and every single time I sleep I have intensely vivid dreams. I can't sleep longer than 7 hours total no matter how exhausted I am. It is exhausting. I'm exhausted, I'm so so tired.

And finally. Just. Really intense suicidal ideation. My body, my health, my entire life has been stolen from me because someone else decided my life was worth less to them than wearing a mask or staying home if they feel sick. Before I got Long COVID, I was preparing to go to South Korea to teach English, then on to a PhD in neurolinguistics, I was supposed to meet my long distance partner and had already booked plane tickets when I got sick. All of that has been destroyed.

Most of us with Long COVID are stuck in a cycle of being extremely sick, then if you're lucky you'll slowly get better over months, just to get reinfected and go right back where you started or worse. Honestly, I'm not scared of dying from COVID. I'm scared of living for a long time, suffering from Long COVID the entire time. This isn't living.

I don't know how to end this now. I'm still fighting, I'm trying experimental treatments, I'm not giving up yet. I hope everyone reading this stays healthy and well.

#long covid #covid 19 #covid isn't over #pandemic

[sastiel-is-my-serotonin]

Five years ago I didn't think I'd just be shitposting majority of the time, occasionally dropping original works, but mostly just having fun writing fics for fun while also having a crushing weight of sorrow from my family falling apart and being spread out. Having to ask for help, pushing down the guilt and shame I feel everytime that only washes away for a second as it goes to my family and doubles when I have to rinse and repeat. Five years ago I barely had the confidence to post silly stuff and no one knew anything about me really and now whenever I post I see the same three tags that I can't touch anymore because it weighs to heavy for me. And so many people are aware of my name something I swore I'd never share, I went by a different name so it wouldn't happen and it's useless now. Five years ago my family was strong and thriving, now we're barely surviving and I don't know what it looks like anymore. In some ways I'm proud of what I've become and in so many other ways, it doesn't feel like me, and I'm tired of constantly living in survival mode. Life's a beautiful disappointment.

#I didn't think I'd still be online so much #Thought I'd be in college doing something for me #Living the life I wanted to #I planned to cut my hair and donate it before college #Planned to pick up a job before so I wouldn't be too stressed financially #I'd be enrolled by now with my tribe so I wouldn't have to worry about the cost and could pursue whatever I wanted #I'd be someone my sisters could look up to - someone on their way to being someone they might want to be when they're older #And now I hope they live better and have bigger dreams because mine have always been small #I just know how to dress them up to make them sound important and like they mean something #Like I believe in myself and I don't #Thought life would be different #Thought I'd leave but my family would be okay - they'd still be whole #They'd still be the unit they've always been #How wrong was I #It's nothing like what I had hoped #And I can't blame them for it - none of us thought this would happen #Wish it was a lot different - I miss my sisters - I miss my mom #I miss the past so much #Even though it hurt - it never hurt like this #I'm scared to hope for five years in the future again when this is my reality now #So much more to say but I just going to bed #goodnight

[anantaru]

OH BABY! PLEASE BE MY BABY DADDY

— ꒰ synopsis ꒱ — the very moment wriothesley first saw you, he had already dreamt about starting a family with you, and now at present, when you were celebrating your two year anniversary, it appeared like he couldn't stop himself from showing you just how much he craved it.

— ꒰ word count ꒱ — 2.1k

— ꒰ warnings ꒱ — [ns]fw, fem! reader, established relationship, very strong breeding kink, mentions of pregnancy & mentions of starting a family with you (planning your future), madly in love wriothesley, rough syx, unprotected and hitting it raw, some teasing here and there, overstimulation, cumming inside

"‘had me all figured out, didn't you?"

wriothesley was a strong man, big and muscular from an external perspective and fundamentally— if you weren't quite familiar with the handsome duke and his deep characteristics and only knew of him through his significant work occupation.

in essence, you have known him for a little over two years now, in fact, your anniversary was just taking place this very moment, his absorbed little countenance fixated on no other than your ethereal beauty— on top of that, a trace was playing hard on the impulses lingering on your lower areas as wriothesley settles himself in between your legs, feeling a rising of your hips grinding over his exposed erection, throbbing in time to his quickening pulse.

how fast a day could fly by, and you wished for it to go on much longer— just show him the love that surged from your core and resides inside of you, or the soft tremor building on your knees whenever he kisses you, or when he at last, catches the shuddering sweetness wringing off your toes.

for wriothesley, you ignited his heart, it was you that made love warm for him— as he always claimed it should be, and on the coldest nights of his life, he had sought after your familiar glow— much deeper could he barely await the day for you both to start a family, have children of your own and live a fulfilled life somewhere outside the city, perhaps a house on the outskirts of fontaine, with a large blossoming garden bristling of rainbow roses, where your children could play to their hearts content.

within this deep fantasy, although yet ungrasped, wriothesley found this to be his perfect goal— no matter how near, how far away, it shall never be forgotten.

you slowly press two palms on top of his cheeks as he looms over you with a raised eyebrow that he lazily flashed at you with a hum.

"you say it like it's a bad thing that i knew you were gonna surprise me, baby,"

you add, "it's our anniversary after all," with a steady glide of fingers through his silken hair, "i hope you didn't think I forgot all about it,"

a low purr hums over your lips as your boyfriend clicks his tongue through a deep chuckle as a response, vibrating his sounds against a breathless gasp as he places a featherlight kiss on your bottom lip. you feel how the pad of his thumb crosses firmly over the shape of your curves as your heart begins to thump faster at the privilege of having such breathtakingly handsome and ravishing man in between your legs.

"of course i know you didn't forget," wriothesley's hand inches towards the inside of your thigh to touch the skin while simultaneously parting your legs a little more as he kisses the bridge of your nose,

"happy anniversary, baby,"

you giggle, kissing him needfully as you slide your naked folds through his aching length when he effortlessly cages you in between two muscular arms, pressing his throbbing member all against you until his constricted balls bounce on your ass, eliciting a needful, much longing groan from the man towering on top of you.

"i need you," you complain now, "please baby, don't keep me waiting now,"

you squeal loudly at the temporary relief of your drenched cunt slicking him up with your arousal— and the more you'd douse him up, the better it would feel like, the finer you could taste and sense his throbbing veins grazing at your sensitive walls while he stuffs you— and every mindless urge wriothesley had fantasized about was manifesting itself, the dream to greedily pull apart and taste every soft piece of your body trembling under his much larger one growing.

or the lewd dream of cramming you with his milky whites, jamming his salty cum all into the pits of your wet sex until he's sure you'll end up pregnant, until you will feel your womb be all warm and jammed up.

"you make me the happiest man alive," wriothesley says soothingly, drawing the leaking head of his cock against your hole before brushing a kiss over your lips, fuck, just the smell of you, or those candid whines and begs of yours that would drive him mad, turning him on so damn much that his groin was beginning to ache and swell even more.

"so baby.." wriothesley whispers in one slow, silent motion, when he claims the space between your spread thighs with all his body surging forward and crowding your cunt.

"please let me show you just how happy you make me,"

you whine out as your back arches into his chest, your weeping cunt clenching down when he rubs his cock through your walls without much effort, the copious amounts of wetness aiding him wonderfully as the deep friction of getting stuffed turned you terribly delicious to him, your eyes criss crossed from being fucked with repeated thrusts into your cunt plugging his thick shaft deep.

"—still so sensitive," he coos, and you feel your face grow hot as your boyfriend smirks down at you through assured pairs of eyes, your body itching to feel more of that sensation, more of skin to skin as you slip each little noise falling from the tip of your tongue right into wriothesley's parted mouth gasping for air.

a dizzying contrast from the firing shoves through the tight ring of muscles on your cunt made his rigid erection go deeper than ever, with his hand remaining firmly beneath your cheek, forcing your gaze straight ahead— so you could look at him, so wriothesley could make sure he drinks in everything that you gave him, each crumbling moan of his name and higher pitch of your voice.

do you wonder why? of course, such question was easy to answer:

the sole reason being that for wriothesley— this was a privilege, that you allowed him to pleasure you, rub firmly over the shape of your walls while his wet tongue blindly maps into your mouth, your body rapidly growing addicted to the impossible smoothness of his skin greedily imposing true bliss on your body.

"i want— fuck," he groans through gritted teeth, "i want us to start a family," he speaks again, "want to put a baby in you," this time louder but with an added amount of gravel to his voice as your legs wrap and close around him as the burning stretch of his thick shaft parting you had you turn absolutely mad and dizzy.

you whine out, completely lost in the pleasure of getting fucked that open wide and especially through his lewd admittance, his hips rolling hard against your used pussy in relentless fucks forward, almost possessively to match his large weight that he kept from bouncing on top of you with his hands keeping him from crushing down and practically collapsing on you.

"i love you," you cry when your pussy twitches wildly, your hot and sticky arousal messing him up, "please, please do!" your breath burning hot and ragged against your throat, "please put a baby in me!" as wriothesley groans— wanting you more than ever, thrusting his length down to a raw, quivering need that shook your limbs apart and tore lewd sounds from the gaps between frantic gulps of air.

your body bounces back and forth the bed, your moans now much louder and broken as wriothesley pants hotly against your clenched jaw, your impatient hands finding refuge in his silken hair as you force him into a kiss, his cock ruthlessly battering your velvety walls— drawing his hips back and forth, back and forth, always nudging his cockhead against the sponge of your sweet spot.

"almost there," wriothesley rasps urgently, "going to fill you up so fucking nicely," he smirks and cuts off your needy gasps with another sharp, punctuated thrust.

the duke was indulging in how warm and soft you were, how nice it felt to be milked by a wet cunt smearing dozen amounts of fluids on the thin skin of his shaft, how you grip him with your weeping cunt, holding onto him so tightly that the duke thought he was about to pass out before you suddenly lessen the clench on his shaft, now alternating between gaping and constricting your pussy hole.

with a flurry full of intense spasms that you felt more inside than out, you cling on to wriothesley's defined back as his body kept going, his addictive thrusts infusing a bone-deep shudder that pinched your upcoming release— the precise attention he always have you, utterly intoxicating, dragging his fully hard cock in and out, in and out, his eyes darkened and drunk from pleasure as he groans out each time your cunt constricts around him, your addictive gasps aiding his pleasure as you moan out beautifully, your hole completely open as he pushes you over the edge with alarming speed.

his cock plunges and fuses into you as far as it could possibly go as he turns your stomach around, hitting the bristling bubble that had long since developed in the depths of your belly when it finally popped into a million pieces, your overstimulated hips helplessly rutting upwards as he swallows those tasteful mewls of yours, your hands tugging his face closer to you.

your orgasm slams you hard with a roaring intensity that nearly doubled you over, your fingers tugging so sharply at wriothesley's hair that you felt a softly pained groan vibrate through his lips as he kisses you in fierce hunger, keeping the pace of his cock steady and surging back and forth, your parted lips looking swollen and flushed with use as you kiss him with all the burning need climbing between your frames when you come undone together.

"there you go, sweetheart," he groans proudly, a slow smile breaking across his ruined lips when he fills you up with his warm seed— watching how you're so fucking drunk on his cock that you make him fill up each inch of space in between your weeping pussy, an engaging hotness coursing into your womb as you thread your fingers through his tousled hair gone and disheveled with sweat and the scent of you.

ugh, you realize you want it as bad as he did, always wanted his thrumming cock to crowd you up just as it did now, with his messy and sticky mess oozing down your hole and seeping everywhere— just how you actually longed for it to be everywhere, slithering from your skin into every curve and crevice, so wriothesley could not only knock you up, but also claim you— in some sort of demonstration of his undying love and his desire, the searing fervour of his white cum making you wince as tears collect in your eyes, the slow pumps of his cock overwhelming you as your walls hug him tight.

wriothesley keeps himself nestled deep in your cunt at your afterglow— and the reason was not unlikely to be revealed, because he believed that if he never were to pull out, you'd definitely get pregnant since the majority of sticky cum had no chance to ever exit your swollen pussy when he just keeps himself plugged in for much longer.

the gravel in his voice adopts a sultriness, spelling sweet nothings into your ear, calling you his good girl as he spilled it aöl into your lips when you smile at him all sweetly and shy, all flustered too with the mess in between your legs dousing down the soiled mattress.

"just imagine, my love," this particular delivery of his sentence was different now, each wording was practically dripping of adoration and hefty of his love for ypu, it was much softer as well despite wriothesley still being out of breath— and you simply look at him through a meaningful smile, heels resting against his back as you could still feel him deeply pulsate inside of you.

"imagining it right now," you respond when he silently slides one large palm down to your stomach before pressing hot kisses on your lips.

"i hope our little one gets your pretty eyes," he whispers lowly, his lips meeting yours right after.

it's quite silly, wriothesley thinks, that he cannot stop talking about it, nor stop dreaming about it either, or how unbelievably madly in love he was, how there would always be a beast inside of him that resided in his heart, that would crave you so badly.

after all the suffering in his life, you are his souls greatest desire, his bodies, his minds biggest passion, and for you to one day carry his child, was everything he wished for.

© 2023 anantaru  do not repost, copy, translate, modify

#genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin smut #genshin impact smut #wriothesley x reader #wriothesley smut #genshin drabbles #genshin impact x you #wriothesley x you #genshin x you #genshin impact wriothesley x reader #genshin impact fanfiction #genshin impact fanfics #wriothesley x y/n