#i just feel like the older i get‚ the less vivid i become‚ & i'm just constantly trying to etch myself into my friends' & families' brains

[accidentalshifter]

Writing fanfiction is a gateway to shifting, I swear!

Before working on "Dawn Misplaced," my Originals/TVD fanfiction project, I didn't dream of characters breaking the fourth wall or know it was possible to interact with them within my sleep... And I certainly didn't think it was real that another version of me could exist in a fictional world much less this Universe! OK I did. But, I figured there were huge margins of separation between me & myselves. And I figured that it was "more logical" to assume that what I was really doing was ✨️ using my imagination to combat a deep sense of inner loneliness ✨️ with extra steps involved. The dream worlds I'm used to exploring seemed way easier to explain. They were metaphors for psychological forces or archetypes in my psyche. Not real. Not truly.

That idea has recently changed. It's real. It's all real. At least, it's very real to me. Antis get fucked.

When Netflix (*hiss*) removed The Originals from their selection, I lost interest in writing Dawn Misplaced, tried to move onto another endeavor, and put vampires out of my head. Tried. Apparently, my imagination had other plans. I started having weird, vivid dreams of being a character within The Originals-verse. Despite resisting these dreams, they ramped up, becoming much stronger, until they were leaking over into my waking life as intrusive daydreams. Sometimes, they lasted for just a second. Other times? It felt like hours had gone by even though it'd only been minutes in my CR. These daydreams felt like tugs on my brain from somewhere I couldn't explain.

Who is tugging on the other side is still very much unknown. Maybe it's my DR-self? Idk.

Half a year has passed doing my damnest to deny the pull. After all, I had my own dreams to play in!! And the (theoretical) Mikaelsons have plenty of shifters on their payroll... Why the hell would they want one more shifter???

Especially someone like me:

✅️ 35 years old

✅️ no money

✅️ no prospects

✅️ a burden to my family

✅️ frightened

No accounting for their taste but six months and countless intrusive daydreams later and I am FED UP with taking a passive stance on this. I've decided to treat this like any other dream world I explore and get to the bottom of these tugs! And possibly fist fight the one who's responsible for them. Before I do that though, I want to make a list of all the "mini shifts" or intrusive dreams that I've had since this ordeal started. Thinking back on them, I can see a disconnect between the dreams I'd have when I was asleep vs. daydreams I have when I'm awake. Tw: this list of scenarios are NOT for those uncomfortable with violence, blood, death, or manipulation. My version of the Mikaelsons don't play nice in my dreams.

Asleep dreams: Seem to play out as if I'm in the body of a character within The Originals and important to the plot somehow.

Awake dreams: Seem to play out as if I'm an invisible ghost of my CR self just watching things unfold around me while being unable to communicate or be seen by anyone.

List of TVD/Original-verse Minishifts (Part 1)

⚜️ Walking down the main staircase of the Mikaelson mansion (the one way out in the country) while hearing arguing voices. I see Hayley first. She's eating a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios nonchalantly. Rebekah is on her phone, swipping left on an app. When I get half-way down the staircase, Elijah and Klaus (the ones who are arguing) stop their bickering to drag me into it. Elijah turns to me, asking: "You agree with me, don't you?". Klaus makes a sarcastic face & asks "Surely you won't agree with my *morally tiresome* older brother?" At this point, I become lucid inside the body of this person I'm in. I pause for a second before responding, "Uh, maybe, I don't know??". Elijah looks at me weirdly at that reply. [Asleep]

⚜️ I wake up in a bed I don't recognize. It's a four-poster bed, carved out of polished dark cherry wood. The sheets smell clean & feel good to the touch. Morning light is pouring through a window. It's warm on my skin. I'm groggy as the body I'm in slides out of bed & stumbles over to the window to peer out of it. I can see an apple orchard and a driveway running straight through it. I notice how red the apples are, fixating on that for whatever reason. As soon as I do, I hear a sort of wind noise. Like an errant breeze just ran through the room. Elijah's voice drifts into my ear but I don't catch what he said. My body turns to face him, I feel my mouth moving. I'm saying something. I can't hear what I'm saying, tho. [Asleep]

⚜️ Kieran is kneeling at the foot of the altar inside St. Anne's. The heavy smoke of bitter incense clouds the air, wreathing around the priest as he mutters prayer after prayer. I'm not inside a body this time. I'm nowhere. It's like I'm viewing this scene remotely in a 3rd person perspective. The candles burning at the memorial altar in the alcove flicker, their flame suddenly growing huge. Whispers are heard all around. I hear Father Kieran reply to them, "Yes, I understand." [Asleep]

⚜️ "Now, Elijah, we've tried mercy and peace and leniency, but these witches are officially out of control-" I hear Klaus ranting before I gain my senses. I'm back inside whoever it is I'm possessing (?) standing in the kitchen of the Mikaelson mansion while Elijah & Klaus are arguing. Again. Rebekah makes a snarky comment about Klaus and how his tolerance policy usually involves a dagger, so she's on the side of the witches. Klaus snarls, pulling up the long sleeves of his shirt to display his arm. It's covered in a weird tattoo that seems to be growing, crawling towards his chest, & neck. It almost looks alive. "We have to think about this sensibly, Niklaus," Elijah says. And Klaus, in turn, snaps that's it's a little hard to think about anything but dead witches with this curse on his arm. I begin to speak. But, I wake up in my CR a second later. [Asleep]

⚜️ Again, I'm walking down the staircase. It seems like that's where I become lucid in my dreams the most. The mansion is silent, too silent. Maybe everyone is gone?? The minute that thought crosses *my mind*, I sense the air shift and feel the body I'm possessing get slammed hard into a wall. Even in the dream, it hurts. I look up to see the livid, pissed-off face of Niklaus Mikaelson. The tattoo on his arm has progressed. I can see it peeking out from behind the material of his V-neck shirt, nearest towards his collar bone. He tips my chin up with one finger while his other hand pins me to the wall of a secluded hallway I've never seen before. "You...haven't been honest," Niklaus says to me in a voice that's nearly a seductive purr. Well, it would be if it weren't so bloody fucking terrifying. "You've been keeping a secret from me and Elijah..." The body I'm possessing is going crazy with panic and adrenaline. I can feel my (?) heart pounding. It's distracting me from focusing fully on Klaus & his paranoid rant. He seems to realize this, tightening his grip on me. His voice is a threatening snarl when he speaks now. "You think you can just run off to your little world any time you want, don't you?! I don't think you understand-" And to be real honest, I don't, because I immediately woke up in my CR before I let Klaus finish his rant. [Asleep]

#desired reality #shifters #shifting #shifting blog #tvd shifting #tvd universe #shifting community #shiftblr #shifting realities #shifting stories #reality shifting #tvd dr #shifting to tvd #reality shifter #shifting diary #reality shift #mini shift #shifting to tvd is great until you have to deal with Niklaus

[geminijade]

Calamity, Catastrophe and Calliope Chapter Two:

Age Gap ( reader is college aged and bucky is in his 30s)

Minors 🚫

Trigger Warnings: age gap romance (reader is college aged and bucky is in his late 30s) reader is going through an existential crisis, slut shaming if you squint. Mentions of sexual assault. Smut below the cut. Fingers in V. Female orgasm. Calliope is Y/N's code name. Happy reading, everyone! Hearts, comments and reblogs are always appreciated! 💞💕

Bucky's POV :

I drain a second cup of coffee, brush my teeth, and straighten my tie in the bathroom mirror. Just a regular day.

I scoff at my reflection because he knows that I was almost balls deep in the President's daughter last night, and nothing in this world is going to erase the memories of her because she felt too damn good.

Getting attached to the people I protect isn't unusual in this line of work, but Y/N Y/L/N is different. For more than a year, I've gotten to watch her transformation from the dutiful daughter-a good girl- to a young woman spiraling out of control. I've quickly learned not to underestimate her. She's a clever girl with determination, always finding new ways to get in trouble even when I'm constantly on her ass. But she can't hide the sadness in her eyes or how empty her eyes are when she's trying to become someone she's not.

She's not a slut, but she's trying it on for size. My best guess is that it's to punish herself as much as it to punish her family that has seemingly cut her out of their daily lives. My job is to protect them all. Y/N from herself, and her family from her behavior. Last night, I came thisclose to failing them all.

I walk through my apartment and belt on my holster. I haven't had to use my gun around Y/N, but I got pretty damn close last night. The vivid memory of Samuel Craigstone attempting to push his semi hard dick in her had me seeing red. The look of complete and utter fear in her eyes was undeniable. Whatever I heard last night through the bedroom door wasn't a cry of pleasure. She was frightened, and in turn I wanted to scare the shit out of the little prick on her behalf.

I had to think about my job. I sure as fuck wasn't thinking about it when I had Y/N squirming all over my cock last night.

Fuck. I have to see her in less than an hour and hope to hell that we both can pretend like it never happened.

I shrug into my jacket, grab my keys, and head out.

"Coffee?" Clarence hands me what would be my third cup this morning. I enter the control room. "Sure, thanks."

We're dressed in the same standard issue Secret service uniform so that there's no misunderstanding who's protecting Y/N whenever she goes somewhere. It doesn't deter some people as much as it should.

"Anything I need to know?"

Clarence shakes his head. He's older than me by a couple of decades, it shows in his grays and deep wrinkles. "Nope, she's been pretty quiet today. She's been sleeping a lot. You two must have had quite the night. "

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. "Never a dull moment. "

That gets a chuckle out of him as he takes a sip of his coffee. He knows better than most what my daily, or I should say nightly life consists of where Y/N is concerned, he gets it. But he can never know about our litte indiscretion.

Clarence has been assigned to Y/N since the move into the white house, he knows her routines and behaviors now. But I have to wonder if he was on duty last night, would he have known that Sam was hurting her?

He sets his cup back down on the pretty silver serving tray and straightens his tie. "Well, I hope that you're ready for round two."

I struggle to school my features, there's no way that he knows what happened between us last night. Because if he did I wouldn't be standing in front of him, feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. "Excuse me?"

He laughs a little bit louder this time. "She got invited to another private party again tonight. She's getting ready. Should be out soon. "

I paste a smile to my face and nod as if that's going to happen. "Have a great night, Clarence. See you in the morning. "

He arches his eyebrows and gives me a nod. "You too. Good luck. God knows that you'll need it. "

He knows Y/N is a handful, but because he's a lot older than her, he treats her like a daughter. Better than her actual father treats her. He doesn't want to fuck her. Thank God, if he did, I'd probably have to kill him.

I wait until he's left the building before I make my way to Y/N's room. Her door's shut. I knock. Loudly. I wait for a minute, I hear her making her way across the floor. She opens the door and I get my first look at her since last night. She looks tired, but beautiful. Her makeup done professionally. Her lips are stained red and glossy. She's wearing another little black dress with thigh high boots. My cock likes what I see, and I have a fantasy of her straddling me wearing nothing but those boots.

I slide my eyes up her body. "Private party tonight?"

"Yep." She fluffs her hair, it's wavy tonight but she's focusing on the floor. I'm glad she remembers her bullshit behavior at the last party. I'm not as thrilled as she is, remembering our litte dalliance in the car.

"Do you really think that is a good idea, after what happened last night?" She doesn't look at me, but shakes her head. "I'm fine. It's not going to be like last time."

She rolls her eyes, and I take a deep breath in to keep myself from treating her like a spoiled child. I put my hand on the door, silently saying that we're not done here.

She turns on her heel, walking farther into her spacious bedroom, and I follow her like a dog in heat. Her living quarters are a full suite, a large and opulent bedroom, with an en suite bathroom, and a cavernous living room. She walks ahead of me through the living room and into her bedroom. Her entire closet is on her bed, and an untouched tray of food and drinks sits on her bedside table.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Not sure why you care," she mutters. "I care because they pay me to."

She remains silent and carries on picking out some jewelry for her private party. It takes me a second to realize how shitty I must sound. Her own parents don't care about her, and they're the ones who are supposed to.

"I'm sorry, that's not how I meant it. " I am sorry, but I hide my emotions behind my voice out of habit.

"Forget it, okay?" She spins on me suddenly. "I don't need or want your sympathy, Bucky. I don't need you or your fucking opinions. "

"Just my cock. "

Her eyes narrow on me. "Excuse me?"

I walk towards her, my hands casually in my pockets. "You just need my cock. Or was that the alcohol talking?"

Her chest moves unevenly. I can't tell if she's aroused or pissed off at me. Probably both, if I'm being honest. "I can get laid whenever I want to. Maybe next time I will if you don't go all caveman on me and break down solid wood doors. "

She keeps me at arm's length, but close enough that I can smell the expensive perfume that she's wearing. Her words piss me off, but I don't show it.

"Maybe I won't, and maybe you'll have someone like Sam taking whatever he wants from you, and all that you'll be left with is regret that you let it happen. That I let it happen because you said that you wanted me to. "

Her features are tight, and I can see the memories playing in her beautiful eyes.

"You don't need to save me. "

"No?"

"No," she spits out.

Little fucking brat. She's an adult, and I've never met one more in need of being punished. She has no one in her world who will give it to her. No one willing to take the time and put her in her place. No one stop her collision course with self destruction. By the time someone notices what she's doing to herself, her reputation will be compromised and God only knows what she'll have put herself through.

Were my threats valid? Could I really sit back and do nothing? Could I stop caring about her so goddamn much?

No. Hell no.

This is going to be the either the best or worst decision that I ever made, but I'm going to stop her, here and now. And if this goes wrong I could lose everything. Including her.

"You're not going to that party tonight. "

She looks pissed. "You don't get to tell me what to do. "

"That's all changing now. Today, tomorrow and every day in between that I'm protecting you, you're going to listen to me. "

"Or what? You're going to tell on me? News flash, Bucky. No one cares. "

"I care. And if you don't obey, you won't be able to sit down for a week. I promise you, I can and I will do so much worse than that if you continue to push me. "

I see her throat move as she swallows hard and her eyes search mine. I give her nothing, my face remains calm. I try to keep my private life out of work, but that's all going to change.

"You're certifiable. " She shakes her head and tries to move past me.

I get to the door first, drag her against me, and take her lips in a kiss that brings back all of last night's memories. I can feel her anger melting, and I push her against the door as I close it. She groans against my lips as I shove her hips against me, I'm hard and I swallow her pretty moans with another all consuming kiss. Her arms tangle around me. I know that she'll let me take her right here, right now. But that's not what this is about.

I step back and spin her so her chest is against her door.

"Spread your legs for me, Y/N."

She hesitates for a split second before sliding them a couple of feet apart. Perfect.

"Hands on the door. "

She slowly slides her hands up and over the wooden door. Then, one by one, I take her arms and put them behind her back so that I can hold both of her wrists in one hand.

I lean towards her so that I can feel her heat, but I'm only touching her where I hold her. Her perfume settles over me, reminding me that she's a weakness. The way that I feel about her, the way I quietly want her.

I ghost my lips over her neck. I want her so fucking bad

"Do you trust me, Y/N?"

"Completely. " She answers with no hesitation or doubts.

I'd do anything to protect her, and she knows that. But am I really protecting her?

I kiss and lick my way up and down her neck. She lets out a quiet sigh and I feel her shift against me, but she's going nowhere. I suck on one particular spot. Not enough to leave a mark, but enough that I feel her shudder against me. I bite down on her sensitive skin.

She gasps a tiny breath in and exhales in a quiet groan. The sounds that she's making go right to my dick, she makes me instantly hard. I long to pull her against me and use her to torture me with more of her touch. But I need to stay in control. I tighten my grip around her wrists and she whimpers and leans back against me, trying to bring our bodies together.

"Are you wet for me, Y/N?"

"Yes."

"Show me."

Her breath catches in her throat, and I let her hands fall to her sides. She turns around and leans against the door. Her skin is flushed pink, and her neck is red from where my lips assaulted her.

"You have a tendency to be less than truthful. Show me what I do to you, or I won't believe you. "

She blinks slowly and reaches for the hem of her dress. She's frozen in place.

"I've seen you in more compromising positions, Y/N. Now do as I say and lift up your dress and show me."

Her breathing is ragged. She gingerly lifts up the black fabric up her hips and slides the tiny scrap of fabric that she calls panties down her long legs. I'm so fucking turned on I can barely focus on her movements. Her dainty hands frame the patch of light hair between her thighs, making a V.

Open up for me...open up...

I plea silently in my head. Suddenly, I'm seeing the petal pink skin of her wet pussy and it's the only thing that I truly care about. She still hesitates.

I shrug out of my suit jacket, undo my tie, and unbutton the top of my crisp white button down. I glance towards her and see the lust she has for me in her heavy lidded eyes.

"Do you want me to fuck you?"

She lets out a sharp breath. "Yes."

"Are you going to the party tonight?"

"No."

I wait for her to continue. "No what?"

"No, sir."

A satisfied smile tugs at my lips. "That's what I want to hear. Now, pretty girl, I need you to spread your pussy for me so I can see exactly where you want me to fuck you and how hard. I need you to show me how wet I make you. "

She closes her pretty eyes and her head falls back against the door. "Oh, God. "

I slowly make my way towards her. I cage her in with my hands beside her head and I lean in to whisper against the sensitive skin. "I'm bigger than any of your college fuck boys. If you're not wet enough for me, I'm going to have to tease some more out of you. I'm going to fuck you slowly until I know that you can handle me." I trail my fingers from her beautiful slender neck down to her ample chest that heaves under her dress. I pull the top of her dress down, revealing her beautiful tits. "Once I get you drenched I'm going to fuck you hard and fast. I'm going to make you cum, again and again, until you're so fucking drunk from my cock that you can't think about making any bad decisions. Understood?"

She nods. She's shaking. I silence her softly and take one of her rosy nipples between my lips and suck until she whimpers.

"Show me."

She does exactly as I ask, she spreads her legs a little bit wider and pulls her lips apart so that I can clearly see the inner folds of her pussy.

She's fucking perfection. She gives me a little bit more, trailing her fingers to her opening and dragging her slick up to her clit. There's no denying it. She's soaked for me.

"Good fucking girl," I rasp out against her soft skin because I can barely breathe.

Y/N' s POV:

His eyes own me.

Panting with anticipation, I drop both of my hands beside my body and lean back against my solid oak door. He's captivated me. I can't look away from him. He doesn't break our connection, he leans into me until his mouth is lingering above mine. He starts to inch his hand slowly down, stopping only when he reaches my cunt.

" Do you know what I can make good girls do, Y/N?"

The warmth of his breath against my mouth sends shivers through me. I shake my head, my eyes feel heavy. My voice comes out as a whisper. "No. "

He presses his fingertips against me, I'm swollen and throbbing for him. "I make them cum, hard."

He gives me no warning, he sinks his long fingers into my warmth, taking my breath away as he deepens his reach. My lips open with a gasp.

"You can be a good girl for me?" He sounds breathy too, I nod quickly in between thrusts as he finger fucks me against my bedroom door.

Harder.

Faster.

Deeper.

I surrender to his skilled movements, he quickens the pace, the ache in my core is hot and heavy. I crave more than his fingers, but the chance to plead with him vanishes. My inner walls are tightening around his fingers. I need him to make me cum. I fist my hands into his white dress shirt, wrinkling it as I'm climbing my crest.

"That's it. Let me have it," he rasps.

His heavy, authoritative voice pushes me over the edge. With a shudder, I lose myself in the darkness, allowing my climax to overtake me.

"Oh, God!" I collapse against him as I cum on his hand. He slowly lifts his fingers against my lips, achingly coating them with my juices. In one delicate moment, he drags his tongue over my lips.

He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, and then he licks his fingers clean. "You're too sweet not to share. " He leans against me, crushing his soft lips against mine. I moan against him and that allows him to slide his tongue into my mouth, allowing me to taste myself on his lips. He's raw and erotic, not like anything I've ever experienced with a lover before.

I begin unbuckling his belt, beyond desperate to have him inside me, but Bucky grabs my wrists. He makes my core throb, the pressure on my wrists causes me to whimper and arch my back towards him.

A look flashes across his face-something calculated, dark and unreadable. Before I can draw my next breath, he's spinning me around, he shoves me against the wooden door. He's pinning me with his bodyweight, grinding his erection into my naked ass.

"I should make you earn this. "

A shiver makes it's way down my spine at the feel of his warm breath against my ear.

"Beg me, Y/N."

My hearts pounding out of control. "P-please. "

He lifts his weight off of me. Yes, it's finally going to happen, he's going to fuck me-

Whap! His big palm collides with my ass,it's a painful sting.

"Beg me like you mean it. "

His voice is all hard and sharp angles. It usually pisses me off when he tries to tell me what to do. But this is different, he's different.

"Please, Bucky. I'm begging you. "

He slaps my ass twice in quick succession. "Please? Please what, Y/N? What does your greedy little pussy want?"

The sting of his hand on my skin is delicious, my need for him sky rockets. My hands are sweaty against my door. My pussy clenches with the memory of his fingers. I'm buzzing with fantasies of him taking me however he wants to, pushing into me with the passion his tone promises. I want him to possess me.

"Please, Bucky, take me. I want you. I've wanted you for so long. " The words fall from my lips- things that I never realized until right now. Who am I?

I'm a good girl. Bucky's good girl. He runs his hands over my ass, he's not making a sound. Knowing his touch without knowing his intentions is a special kind of torture.

"Take me...please, " I whimper, pleading with him, hoping that he'll take pity on me. I hear a low growl, he's going to give me everything I want-

A loud bang on the door startles us both. I almost scream, but Bucky puts his hand over my mouth to silence my screams just in time. In one quick moment, his metal arm slides around my waist and he pulls me back against his solid, muscular body. The sudden closeness between us awakens an unsatisfied feeling that lingers, heavy and deep inside. He's holding me against him so close to him that I can hear his name when it comes through his earpiece.

"Barnes? Do you copy?"

Bucky slowly lets me go and takes a step back. I turn to face him and he places a finger over my lips. He brings his wrist up to his mouth, and speaks into the communication device.

"This is Barnes. Repeat?"

Fuck. My. Life.

I feel defeated. Not to mention very exposed. I pull my dress back into place and I take a glimpse at Bucky, his eyes are locked on mine and just like that, he's back to the Bucky that I have come to know. Cold. Unexpressive. Angry.

"Copy that, Calliope and I are on the way now. "

His arm drops back to his side and I begin to button up his shirt. "Get changed. Your parents are requesting to see you. "

@samfreakingwinchester @shamrockqueen @aya-fay @chvoswxtch

#bucky x y/n #bucky x you #bucky fanfic #bucky x female reader #bucky x reader #james buchanan bucky barnes #james bucky buchanan barnes #james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes #bodyguard bucky #bucky fic #bucky imagine #wip wip wip #wip #wip work #fic wip #my thoughts #my writing #my wips #my work #my fic #marvel men #marvel mcu #marvel #marvel fic #wip wednesday #bucky smut #bucky series #sebastian stan smut

[spacelizzbian]

S1ep2

Shoutout to that one time in tcw when someone saw a shadow of a Tooka cat and thought it was Ahsoka approaching

Love that the one most concerned about not blowing up is the droid

Ahsoka be like: "Im already dead inside, just do it"

Hm, I am curious about these dark jedi though. Like the girl still has the padawan braid so they actually do follow some of the teachings beyond the lightsaber techniques I imagine. What better narrative foils to Ahsoka than jedi who have also renounced the order but actually turned to the dark. Can't wait for that parallel to get brought up

This whole sequence in Correlia with the shipyard officer feels so much like clone wars. Like idk what exact episode, but a scenario where the heroes are being toured by double crossers definitely happened

Hera just doesn't sound like Hera to me? I feel like Vanessa would deliver these lines differently. Like it's defenitely similar and I could see myself warming up to it, but my inner Hera voice is not lining up with this Hera

Suprisingly, not having that problem much with Ahsoka. I feel like Rosario Dawson is a good fit for adult Ahsoka though I miss Ahsoka's sassy energy. But that has been mostly lost since rebels which makes sense in that she is older and hardened now but it does make me a lil sad.

"These people dont care about politics, just who is paying them" now that is a sentiment I'd love to see explored more since that is not the impression I got from most civilians under the empire who weren't uber rich and powerful but I guess we have Andor for that

Oh Sabine is the one who is not ready eh? 🤔

The more they tell us about Sabine and Ahsoka's dynamic the more I'm vibing to it??

Yes please give me two disasters desperately trying to cope with the loss they've endured by being disasters together.

Huyang really said "yeah your force abilities suck but could be worth a shot eh?" 😂😭

Hera and Huyang seeing these two absolute disasters and trying to get them to reconnect so they hopefully become less of a disaster is so funny to me? They're the real homies

Protocol droids being clueless to nuances going on around them has to be one of my fav plot progression bunnies in star wars

Ahsoka who has bodied inquisitors brutally before: "oh no a double bladed saber oh nooo"

Them shooting at that inquisitor that Ahsoka follows step by step is so silly

If you didn't care that you hit your own dude, just shoot some more at them so you actually hit them or don't at all

Hot take, but I'm gonna miss Sabine's long hair. The reddish orange and purple looked real good

Wish I made a bingo for this show cause "rebels epilogue shot gets remade" would've def been on there lmao

"It's more me" 🥺

I just realised the real threat to Ahsoka in this show is not any force user or Thrawn or whatever.

It's that she's taken on the role of mentor, a dangerous profession to have in any media but especially star wars

"Her determination is vivid" NO WAIT ANAKIN SAID THAT TOO IN TCW S3 FINALE. I LOVE THAT MOMENT 😭

#ashowka #ahsoka #ahsoka spoilers #sabine wren #hera syndulla #huyang #sw #lizzz makes a post

[masschase]

i saw the wholesome ask meme and i’m dying to know

16. What was the happiest moment of their life?

- snail-eggs :)

Wholesome OC Ask Meme

Firstly, I just wanted to say that as suggested by this meme, I have wrapped Casey in a blanket burrito.

I mean in my current posted canon she's really missing Matt, plus, much like an angry kitten, it's much safer for everyone this way.

Now, onto the question:

16. What was the happiest moment of their life?

Oh there are a lot of options here but would rather talk about one in depth than a load of them so...

I'm going to go with the day she found out Johnny was still alive. Now obviously in my HC, the whole time travel mission interfering meant that she found this out in 2016 rather than 2020 but really this goes for either of those occasions.

Now as I said, she has had a lot of happy moments, but to me it's the fact that it's the undoing of one of her worst moments that makes it so significant. Casey's life before the Saints was rough but nothing can compare to losing friends right before your eyes. She may not be the most open with her emotions but she has constant nightmares. Lin. Carlos. Aisha. The Earth being destroyed.

But she didn't really see Johnny's death in those nightmares, because she never saw him die. In fact she would frequently have far more pleasant dreams of going to Johnny and Aisha's old place and talking with him. Only ever there, she never really dreamed him anywhere else, and they were always so vivid.

She never saw Aisha but sometimes she would hear her singing absent-mindedly in the next room, always in the next room no matter which room she and Johnny were in. In their apartment, in her dreams they were both still alive. Sadly she's not really a lucid dreamer but she would look forward to these unpredictable meetings, even if they remained scattered shards of hope amongst the nightmares.

That hope spilled over into real life. She always was a big believer in signs from the universe. So maybe it was because she didn't see him die, maybe it was because of these dreams, maybe it was because she was the first older male figure in her life to treat her with any tangible compassion, but Casey never fully let go of the idea Johnny might still be alive somewhere in reality too.

Unfortunately people around her don't share this view. Her friends try to help her accept it. Her shrink tries to help her accept it. They are trying to be kind and rational but it doesn't normalise Johnny's death for her, it just makes her feel like she is crazy for disbelieving it. Everyone is unintentionally gaslighting her and she eventually starts to internalise it. She stops talking about it as often. She starts to accept that maybe Johnny only exists in those dreams of hers now. Which only makes it frustrating that as she starts to let him go, they are becoming less frequent.

So when she finds out he's alive after all, she doesn't just feel ecstatic to get her best friend back, she feels incredibly validated. It's like a giant "Fuck you, I was right!" to the universe. And honestly, what better thing to be right about than the undoing of one of those deaths that have been haunting her for years?

Unfortunately the chain of events that snowballed from his full return in 2020 was something she's maybe not so proud of.

OPE.

So yes, I would say that's probably her happiest moment up to this point. There are some pretty significant ones in her future but... well... spoilers. ;)

#thanks for the ask #saints row #saints row boss #casey clark #johnny gat #do i dare tag gatboss? #🤣

[o-avosetta]

The Returned sounds like a horror story, would you tell me about it? O_o <small> ps don't give up on me, maybe i'll potluck it yet... </small>

Ho-kay, you picked the one with the longest and most personal answer. 😂

So, in the first year of the pandemic, I had this recurring coping daydream that actually originated when I was 18. Dunno if I wanna call it maladaptive; there was nowhere to physically escape at first. But it definitely went on longer than I wanted it to.

Sometime when I was 18, I had just changed majors (we used to start college kinda early in this country), but I was still hanging out with my friends from my old course. One golden afternoon around finals, we were all having this big hangout in a field on campus by a line of trees. Changing majors had done wonders for my mental health and my self-confidence, and in a moment of teenage vanity, I was feeling especially pretty that day and hoping one of my crushes would notice. But if anyone did, I never knew.

Anyway, for some reason, my brain started setting a lot of daydreams in that particular afternoon. It would rewrite that afternoon so that some handsome stranger-to-everyone-but-me comes by to say hi. We proceed to have the kind of funny-flirty interaction that reveals to everyone that I am close to this person and he is close to me, and there is definitely potential for something to go on between us if it isn't going already.

Now that I'm older, I think I just wanted to be liked, to be desired, to be interesting, and for people to see that someone so cool was into me. And maybe I wanted to be whisked away from the old self that I must have feared my old friends still saw.

And sometimes, in those daydreams, the stranger has magic, or knows martial arts, or is a classically trained musician, or is an acrobat, or has come from the hidden dimension where we're really from — because it's time for me to go off with him and fight crime, or work on a song, or rehearse, or save our people.

During the first year of the pandemic, this daydream came back to me. It basically became habit, a scene I kept revisiting and varying and rewriting in my head to entertain myself while I cooked or did laundry or brushed my teeth or just spaced out under lockdown.

My SO and I were long-distance. I think daydreaming about doing fun stuff with him made me sad because it wasn't real. And, this might sound silly, but I didn't want to daydream about being able to do fun stuff with someone else imaginary in my present, because that felt like a betrayal. So maybe my brain picked this time from when I was younger, before I met my SO, and that made it okay. It could be an alternate timeline, or I could go on and grow up and still fall in love with the same person.

When I finally came home and reunited with my SO, I started to be bothered by how much of a habit this daydream had become. I now had someone who actually loved me, physically close, but my mind was still hooked on going back to that afternoon.

"The Returned" was my attempt to write a whole original story out of the daydream in the hopes of finally getting it out of my system. (I went with the interdimensional plot.) It kind of worked. Writing put me back in my 18-year-old frame of mind, and I soon realized that I didn't want to be there. All that banter and at least half that confidence had come from me in the present, anyway; I wasn't that witty at 18.

Also, the more I wrote, the more it just felt like bad YA sci-fi (and please don't take that as a diss on YA or sci-fi). I just couldn't make the plot interesting enough for me to keep wanting to work on it.

Eventually, the handsome not-stranger and that golden afternoon grew less vivid and went back to whatever mental compartment they're typically stored in. And I got new ideas for other stories.

#personal #writing #asks

[here4theheartbreak]

Cruella Hongjoong is God Tier Hongjoong. All hail Hongruella~!! The little ponytail was amazing. Probably the most iconic of all the HJ styles!

Waterbomb was A LOT to process. I am also not their strongest soldier! I was not only wounded by all the footage and photos, I was nearly fatally wounded. Choi San? Deadly. 💀😂

Oh my godddd! Those Woosan photocards?? They are SO cute. Ahhhhhhhh. I can't handle it. The ears? Wow. I totally get it, I would also want to take them everywhere.

This is probably because I had no internet for 10 days straight, but I had a dream about Mingi last week? I'm a vivid, lucid dreamer anyway.... but I touched his arms and istg it was the realest thing I've ever felt in a dream?? And then, when I woke up, I was thinking about it and I think it's kinda rare that I actually touch people in my dreams. It's happened, but not that often. And that made me curious about dreaming and dreams in general. What a strange, interesting thing it is, to be able to dream when we sleep. ☁️💤 /dream tangent

Let's see... some Ateez things that have caught my attention over the last fews days....

✨Yunho dressing up as Saiki for Mingi's birthday? ADORABLE. INCREDIBLE. AMAZING. FRIENDSHIP GOALS. I'm loving this whole 'dress up as a character they love' trend that's happening on the members' birthdays. I'm really looking forward to seeing what happens for Jongho. I literally have no idea what character it might be.

✨Mingi released his song?? I'm SO in love with it?? Ahhh, the talent!! It makes me feel SO much. It's sad but beautiful. 10/10. What a king. 👑🐺🐣

✨The clip of Mingi talking to a fan, asking her to show him the back of her 'Mingi' sign, only to discover it says 'Yunho'. The way he says 'ahhhh, it's okay, it's okay' ... it's so soft?? Heart? Melted.

✨San being so offended/upset on that show where they were discussing a husband selling all of his wife's merch without her knowing? I LOVE HIM SO MUCH FOR THAT. And he was right! The husband should get it all back, even if he has to beg. The actual audacity of that man. I would literally divorce him. 😑

✨Oh, and the YT live they did together! Wooyoung talking about the pregnant fan and San's expression in the back?? Hello?? He's too cute. ☺️💗

✨Also, Yunho witnessing SH basically caressing (????) HJ's hand in the same YT live?? Will Yunho EVER catch a break?? It's not looking likely. He must have witnessed so much. I feel like we've barely scratched the surface on the things he's seen.

✨Talking of Yunho... he really looks like Mingi in that T-pain dance insta he did with Wooyoung?? Just his outfit and the way his body moves... it's crazy.

Also on insta... The dinosaur/nyahhhh video of Hwa, Joong, San, and Jongho?? It makes me laugh so much every time I see it. We are blessed by these fools~!😂✨🦖

*hums the Jurassic Park theme tune*

On a slightly negative note. I wish they'd do more YT lives and less short videos on their app? Like come onnnnn. I miss Seonghwa's hour long lives of him just chatting. KQ are becoming monsters of capitalism. Let me have my silly men for free. Don't make me fight you.... 😩

Random but whenever I glance back over the previous ask to see what all I said/you’re responding to I realize that I make such an embarrassing amount of typos that I don’t catch. 🤣

Anyways, yess I love those cat ear pcs; I ended up adding San’s to one of the photo card holders that I keep on my bag.

That sounds like the absolute wildest dream! I almost never dream about idols either, the random one esp from back when I was writing fanfic still, they’d crop up here and there, but not often. That sounds insane. Those sort of super realistic dreams can be wild and so unsettling, so it’s a good thing this one wasn’t lol

✧ Mingi’s song was so pretty - what is this trend of super sappy/sad sounding birthday songs tho??? Please guys, getting older is not the end of the world V_V lmao

✧ I haven’t seen that clip of Mingi with the fan! But that’s so sweet, he is so soft for Yunho. During the zombie game this most recent wanteez they were adorable too.

✧ And that show was hilarious - San and Hongjoong were so delightful with them. I cracked up at the beginning when they brought up the period question and both their faces just O.O — good boys but still boys in the end 😂 (I appreciated the polite “we’re not qualified to speak on that” comment - rather than being grossed out, they knew they’d be entirely out of their element which was cute). San was so into these situations too, it was fun to watch him get so passionate about them.

✧ Yunho has had enough of this queer shit, someone give him a vacation far away from his group 😭 - I mean he’s just as bad but I’m sure he doesn’t see it that way. (Also yeah that TikTok he did with Wooyoung is going to be my new sleep paralysis demon - but yeah no you are 100% not the only one that thought that was Wooyo and Mingi; I watched it twice through before I realized the jaw was wrong for Mingi…. I think he raided his closet for the video though lol

✧ I am 100% sure that they convinced Jongho to do the dinosaur video by promising him an all you can eat meal, or his dorm to himself for a weekend - sleep or food, the ultimate motivators. (Either that or he lost a very massive bet).

✧ Ahh the TokToq situation. Like, okay I get the point of the one on one ability and all that, but they really need to make it more easily accessible. Do like maybe some for members only (and make those ones covered by the membership people pay for) and then do others for everyone, if they want their own app. Also please please for the love of god fix the translation problems. And make them not disappearing. It really needs a lot of work and unfortunately I think considering every other sms app like this is getting absorbed by the Langolier that is HYBE rn it’s just not a smart move to do - esp when YT and IG are already super accessible and everyone likes them. Hell even TikTok lives if they must. It’s just frustrating considering they could do so much more if they weren’t tying themselves to capitalistic gain (KQ, fans will spend money, I promise, put out more merch, more international fanmeets - you don’t need the 5-10 bucks that this app will gain you, I promise you can make more if you just promote your international group internationally.

✧ On a happier note tho I got my membership kit! The last group I bothered buying a membership for was bts and it took BigHit literally 11 to 13 months to bother sending it to me. And considering how small KQ is, I expected the same and wasn’t too worried about it - so when it showed up at my door on Friday I was so delighted. The tarot style cards are so cute. I decided to pull out 22 and sleeve them to use as an actual major arcana readings deck (some conversions ofc - like The Emperor is now The Sea King, Death is now The Wolf, The Devil is now Desire, etc) - I’m waiting on the sleeves to come now. I was so happy to see that they put the little fortune telling answer book in both english and korean, and it’s such a nice cute little size. I don’t want to give too many spoilers if you’ve not gotten yours yet/don’t want spoilers but it’s so nice.

✧Oh! Speaking of tarot I learned they’re making a Good Omens tarot deck, it’s coming out end of November. I preordered it, call it an xmas gift lol - I love Good Omens, it’s by far one of my favorite novels of all time and I adore the show (David Tennant has always been a favorite actor and he’s such a good person, and Michael Sheen is so sweet… Ironically rn my kid is watching Dr Who for the first time with me and we just finished Tennant’s arc, he was so upset when he regenerated - I felt bad but also… a whole mood kid, 10 is my Doctor).

And! On the tarot path, so my friend and I were joking around when I was trying to figure out how to convert Ateez’s deck to a proper tarot deck, and we joked that I have enough idols now that I could make a whole kpop deck and now I can’t get the idea out of my damn mind 🤣

Also I found this photo a few days ago and may have had a stroke and I simply cannot stop staring at it lol

#answered #ask #daegu-flowjob #long post

[kajillionaires]

yo where are my bitches who haven't felt a thing since 2014

#well okay heres the thing i have cared about so many things since 2014 but never in a substantial way #i just feel like the older i get‚ the less vivid i become‚ & i'm just constantly trying to etch myself into my friends' & families' brains #as someone more alive and more vibrant and colorful that i don't feel i've been for the past 6 years #and somehow i've managed to completely lose any sense of being i've ever had yaknow because i just started molding myself to people #and having to be alone for awhile i've realized that without having someone to build myself around or anything really to commit myself to #i just don't know how to be alive alone without having anyone or anything to completely immerse myself in #and that's completely my fault also because it's not like those people i used to define myself by abandoned me‚ b/c most of them didn't #i just have this tendency to love people completely and wholly until one day i just stop and everything about them annoys me #i'm 97% sure it's a defense mechanism so that i never get attached to anyone long term & i will never be left #but anyway i haven't formed a longterm and meaningful connection with anyone in over 5 years and that scares the hell outta me so holla! #i always whine about wanting to be loved but i refuse to let anyone be around for long enough to love me yafeel #i am the toxic one! #also as far as things go #i've never had a passion i've just been walking through the motions the entire time and it scares me because I'm really fucken GOOD at it #i am a capitalist's dream i'm a goddamn workaholic b/c i don't know how to measure my own value in a way thats not tangeable #so i build my entire self esteem on meaningless busy work to the point where without it i feel like im worth nothing #n e way add these to the things i should probably talk to my future therapist about #shut up itzel

[jjaeong]

The Heiress, & The Twelve. Act I.

Episode II: The World, Turned Upside Down.

Series: KPOP Girl Group: 이달의 소녀 (LOONA).

Pairing: OT12 & Mafia Heiress Female Reader.

Summary: As Haseul told Y/L/N Y/N of her origin and purpose, her life had quickly shifted in preparing for her upcoming initiation. And if Y/N thought coming back to take the position that had been destined to her by blood was going to be easy, she'd yet to think again—as she'd been blatantly deemed unworthy by a few members of her own Family.

"So what you're telling me is that.. My real name is actually Y/L/N Y/N, Sooyoung-unnie isn't my real sister—and that I'm supposed to be an heiress to a Mafia Family that's currently the most strongest running Family there is..?"

"Yes."

"..And I'm just supposed to become a boss? Just like that?" The orange haired lady whom had introduced herself earlier by the name Vivi giggled at your puzzled expression, before looking back at the acting boss, Haseul, that studied you carefully as she sat rested back on her seat.

"Precisely."

"But I'm barely of legal age? And I'm still in High School?"

"You Grandfather became our boss just when he graduated from Middle School."

"This doesn't even make any sense!" your eyes snapped over to Sooyoung's who looked almost just as exasperated as you were. Though the woman had been revealed to not be your actual sister, the way you both seemed to have acted with one another after the revelation was exactly the same—even though she knew of it from the start, she still looked at you with the same gentle eyes as if nothing had been said. Jinsol, the woman with the defined jawline shot up from her seat to stare directly at you.

"She's right, this doesn't make sense anymore," Jinsol turned to Haseul with a pleading look while the other girl just kept her eyes dead set on you, "Haseul, we're good now! We've peaked over the last year under your leadership—if we hand it to this.. Child, we'll lose control over our own people before she even gets past initiation!"

"Jinsol, don't—"

"Don't what!? You know damn well what I'm saying right now is what's going to happen after this! What more do you guys need to hear!?" Hyunjin stood from her spot to make a move towards Jinsoul who shot her a warning look just when Jungeun grabbed ahold of the younger girl's wrist, Haseul then tore her eyes off of yours to nod at Jungeun before looking up at Jinsoul's dejected expression.

"Go outside and keep watch with Gowon's team, I will speak with you later." Jinsoul clenched her jaw, practically scowling at you before bowing in Haseul's direction, slipping out of the room just as Jungeun stood from her spot to follow after the girl. Haseul then looked over to Hyunjin, who remained standing stiff on her spot with eyes stuck on the entrance of the living room.

"Would you like to follow too, Hyunjin?" Haseul asked just as Hyunjin blinked, shaking her head in reply before sitting back down and staring vacantly at the ground.

"At your command, Unnie."

"I'll go," Sooyoung answered, rising from her seat when you opened your mouth to protest—not wanting to be left alone with these people you barely knew—but your older sister only shook her head at you, "you can trust them with your life, Y/N. I'll be back when they leave," her eyes then moved to the two girls that sat closest to you.

"At least when the majority of them do."

"We're not asking you to immediately become the boss, Y/N. What we're asking from you is for you to accept the role which was bound to you by birthright." Haseul didn't waste a single second as she quickly resumed from where she left off—just before Jinsoul's outburst. Sooyoung then bowed as well, leaving you with only four members of your Family with you as Haseul turned to look at Heejin this time, motioning for her to present you something.

"You are to be trained, to take all the necessary steps until you're enough to not just be an image to our Family—but as an actual boss, the matriarch of thousands of our associates who's loyalties lie only to you, to the blood." you felt your throat dry up as Heejin reached over to place a small, golden plated box with twelve colored gemstones that surrounded the outer rim and the lid of it with the first letter of your last name engraved on the top. The girl pressed what seemed to be a hidden lock on the box, for it to slowly open and reveal what reminded you closely of Jungeun's pin from earlier—except this one had a clear image of a golden full moon in the middle, surrounded by what you'd initially think as blue gem stones but from how it practically oozed of vivid clarity..

A blue diamond ring.

"You can't escape this, Y/N. Your predecessors had carried this through for thousands of years—none of them even dared to attempt a decline. And so will you."

"Is that a threat?" your voice almost failed you as you tried to muster up the courage to talk back, to which Haseul only returned a disappointed expression at.

"If that is how you want to look at it, then so be it."

You leaned back on your seat, feeling defeated as everyone looked at you expectantly with the ring that sat in the golden box taunting you—as if it was asking you to take it and just accept your destiny. But would it truly be such a loss if you didn't bother to try in the first place? How would you know how deep this entire.. Bounded by blood to the Mafia would be any different to how you've always lived your life? Other than the usual days spent doing your chores and diving into your hobbies once they're done—would it be replaced with dropping out of school to do combat training and sign paper works?

The saying with "curiosity killed the cat" echoed in the back of your head, but then will your curiosity get you killed as well?

"We're not like the usual Mafias you see on television, Y/N. Your grandfather had always been clear with the Family values," you looked back up to find Haseul's lips pulled up into a tight lipped smile, eyes seemingly in deep thought though she kept them on you, "for all these years that we've worked under his care, he lived a simple life and wanted all of us to have the privilege of living the same way."

"You mean after years of slaughtering who ever got in the Family's way got repetitive so he decided to stop?" Haseul's thoughtful eyes quickly shifted into an expression that looked as if she was stung by your choice of words.

"We never resort into such barbaric actions—until it is just."

"And how do you know that? Aren't you just taking orders from him because that's where your loyalty lies? To the blood? Because he's a Y/L/N?" you pressed even further, slowly finding yourself disapproving of whatever statement the acting boss was trying to convey about your Family. The thought of the current highest ranking member of your Family speaking of the group as if looking through rose colored glasses had rubbed you the wrong way.

To you, this is just another Mafia—you've heard about the association well enough to understand that they kill when needed to, but that doesn't justify all those who could've possibly felt the wrath of your Family name when they were barely proven guilty. But to Haseul, as you've observed, she holds the Family at such a high place that it even convinced all four members that were present in front of you, everyone seemed to have understood where she was coming from.

Only you didn't understand, having the perception of a complete outsider, a civilian that was about to be dragged into the dark depths of an underground business empire.

"Y/N, please. Keep an open mind.." Haseul pleaded through her teeth, making you look away from her to stare at the wall behind her. She seemed to have paused for a moment to see if you had wanted to push even further, but when you kept your mouth shut she released a sigh, feeling disheartened at how little you expected from them when they've anticipated for your return for over a year.

"When you become boss.. You will be able to turn the Family around, your beliefs will be weighed along with the members to find a common ground. We can shape the values to what you'd want under your command, Y/N—your grandfather did his best to undo the mistakes of the past bosses as well," your eyes locked with Haseul's yet again, but this time, she had a knowing look set on her features, "you can turn this Family around, just like he did when he took us in."

Took them in? So all these women were all under your grandfather's care? He took care of over seven or more girls yet he couldn't even pay you a visit?

"Why did he.. Keep me away?" you dragged slowly, keeping your eyes on Haseul even though she could clearly see the pain in your eyes as you spoke. Heejin turned to look away from you, not wanting to make you feel any less of yourself at the slightest hint of vulnerability in your voice as Hyunjin inhaled deeply before doing the same.

"The night your Mother was assassinated—was your Father's initiation. You were with her in that separate room, supposed to be kept safe until it was done but.."

"We were attacked," Vivi continued, speaking for the first time since she introduced herself. The lady who was claimed to be the eldest of the group had a calculated smile gracing her features as she looked at you, "at the ceremony, I was the one that first identified the traitors—they were interrogated after that night. It was a coup, they didn't approve of your Father becoming the boss."

"Why?"

"He had the same vision as your Grandfather, he wanted everyone to live a simple life just as he'd experience when he left with you and your Mother a few years back."

"He returned because your Grandfather fell ill. But when your Mother died, his guilt got to him and.." the grim expression that fell on Haseul's face already said enough of how it all ended as you sat there, moving your eyes from Haseul to Vivi who eyed the Leader before she faced you again, nodding slowly.

"And so your Grandfather left you with the Ha's to make sure you were kept alive."

"You're our only hope in finishing what they both had wanted for your Family, Y/N. We can't achieve this on our own, we need a true Y/L/N to stand for us.." Haseul started to sound desperate, the collected girl looked as if at any given moment she would lose it and shut herself down. You still couldn't entirely understand what these girls were trying to persuade you into—but something inside of you just gave into it, they barely even look like the type of members that would end lives without a second thought.

They were following what seemed to be a great cause before, there must've been some sort of oath that had been pledged among these girls with your lineage even before meeting you.

You’d be lying if your curiosity didn’t catch up at the thought of uncovering more.

"Okay." the members tensed up on their seats as you sat up on your own, eyeing the ring that made your heart race up at the thought of it slipping it on your finger.

"You'll guide me, right? Tell me how everything goes and.. Not lie to me about it?" you mentally cringed at your lack of proper vocabulary that would be suited with your destined high position.

Haseul made it look easy.

"Of course, you'll be the future of our Family—coming clean with you is the least of your worries with us." Haseul waved her hand dismissively as you hummed in acknowledgement, eyeing the ring yet again when you heard Vivi giggle yet again.

"Go on, you're supposed to wear it to officially become one with us." she pointed at the box before standing up on her spot, grabbing the empty tea pot that she had practically finished herself before slipping past you and your members to probably make some more. You took note of Vivi's informality with the acting boss when Haseul barely tore her eyes away from you, anticipation practically dripping from her expression.

Reaching over to the box and pulling the ring from it's velvet cushion, the members seemed to have held their breaths as you inspected the delicate designing of the ring closely, eyeing the material in awe at how luxurious it seemed. And with the thought that Jungeun's pin looked expensive, this one looked almost ten times more than what it's bargained for. You slipped it in your left pointer finger and the three practically sighed at the image, your eyes still stuck on the golden full moon crest that lay on the top of the ring.

"Just like your pins." you breathed, looking over to Heejin’s tie to observe her pink gemstone pin with a golden silhouette of a rabbit in the middle. The girl smiled charmingly back at you, eyes crinkling into crescents as she did so.

"Just like our pins."

"I'm going to call Sooyoung-unnie and tell the others we're finished for the day." Heejin simply pat both her knees before standing up with a grin on her lips, smiling even further when you looked up at her which made your cheeks flush before she literally skipped out of the living room. Hyunjin rested the back of her head on the couch, covering her face with both hands as Haseul continued to smile warmly at you.

"We'll be meeting again soon, but for now this is where we'll cut it short. I've assigned Jinsoul, Heejin, and Hyunjin to stay here with you and Yves starting today—just a precaution if the news about your return breaks out." Haseul said as you blinked at her before knitting your brows, thinking to yourself about how fast the leader had planned everything out—as if she already knew how this meeting would end up.

"If I'm guessing the.. “Aliases” correctly—Jinsol is Jinsoul, Heejin is.. Heejin, Hyunjin is—"

"I use my real name too." Hyunjin's muffled voice uttered against her palm, which made you look at her and she just winked at you, completely expressionless.

You wonder why the girl acted like that.

"Okay, then.. Um.. Why is Sooyoung named Yves?"

"The Ha's had been part of the Family since before your grandfather's time, when your grandfather named us—he had certain ideas in mind. Yves refers to the first woman to ever grace the Earth." you looked at Haseul in astonishment.

"So he's sentimental?"

"He named Jiwoo-unnie 'Chuu', I wouldn't go that far." Hyunjin snorted as you almost followed suit, clasping a hand on your mouth at the thought of some Mafia member beating the living daylights out of them, only to remind them to remember her name.

"Kahei is Vivi, Chaewon is Gowon, Hyejoo is Olivia Hye, Yerim is Choerry, and Jungeun is Kim Lip." Haseul named them all for you to only furrow your brows in puzzlement at the information that there were actually more of them.

And why was your Jungeun-unnie named Kim Lip?

"We don't always use our aliases when we're just with one another, we only use them when we're outside doing errands." the acting boss added, holding a finger up as Vivi came back from the kitchen with what seemed to be a handful of the brownies that Sooyoung had made the night before. Vivi then gave you one before handing another to a suddenly perked up Hyunjin that shoved the entire thing in her mouth in one go. You stared at her as she stared right back at you with a mouthful of brownies, tilting her head as she chewed.

"Sooyoungie needs to make more of these." Vivi said as she bit a piece from her brownie to which you followed with your own. Haseul stood up to then bow at you which quickly got you up on your feet to bow back but she shook her head, smiling as she straightened.

"You need to get used to the formalities soon, you'll be our boss after all."

"Please, call me Y/N. And tell them outside as well.." Haseul nodded as she walked out of the living room with Vivi following suit, but not before smiling back at you. You felt your brownie being snatched from your grasp, only to find Hyunjin shoving it in her mouth as she stared at the entrance of the living room with a pondering expression before turning to look back to you.

"You're oddly informal with me—compared to your leader." Hyunjin wiped her mouth with the back of her hand after she swallowed down your brownie, scrunching her nose up at you before eyeing you from head to toe for the second time since your meeting.

"Aeong."

After the events had settled in, you found yourself squished between Jungeun and Jiwoo's embrace as you all managed to fit in your small bed. The two kept apologizing as you gave them a look the moment they stepped foot in your view and had you in theirs arms in no time, and it didn't stop until the two were sleeping peacefully in bed with you, Jiwoo mumbling an apology as if she was still dreaming about it. You'd expected your room to be packed as Jinsol, Heejin, and Hyunjin had made this place their own as well, but since Sooyoung shared her room with Jinsol—the guest bedroom was then occupied by the two other girls, after much to Heejin convincing Hyunjin you'd be safe since your two Unnies have decided to stay with you just for the night.

But Hyunjin swore that the next day, she'd be sleeping in your room whether you'd wanted it or not—to which Heejin only sighed at and asked you if she could as well, not wanting to be the last one to wake up if there was an emergency. 

Breakfast was practically the liveliest it’s ever been since you and Sooyoung moved to the house in the city, with both of your parents staying in the country side and Sooyoung graduating High School just a year ago—you both had barely seen each other in the house, but when you did you check up on how the other’s been until your workloads caught up with you again. And so watching Hyunjin and Heejin arguing from who’s getting the last pancake, Jiwoo and Jungeun singing a duet song you’ve heard too many times in one morning—and a silent Jinsol sitting next to Sooyoung who then stood up to grab Hyunjin and Heejin by their ears to tell them to just cut it in half.

But as you found your eyes lingering Jinsol, she tore her eyes off Sooyoung's prepared breakfast to set on you, a grim look setting on her features before she pushed off of her seat to leave. Jungeun stopped singing with Jiwoo to watch the woman retreat, to which you'd hope was just back upstairs to her room but only to feel disheartened when you heard the front door shut close—looking back down on your plate without seeing Jungeun and Jiwoo's worried eyes trained on you.

You could already tell that being stuck with these girls wasn't going to just smoothly pass you by, adding up the fact that this was a Mafia, with real lives on the line under your name—you understood the cold shoulder that would've come from a member sooner or later.

The way to school had you sitting in the back seat of the luxurious yellow car from last night—that had been revealed to be Hyunjin’s—with a void expression set on your face as your mind did it’s best to decline the image in front of you. Hyunjin tailed Jungeun’s electric red car in front on the way to your school, with your mind making up some excuse that you wish the two that sat in front were only kidding as they donned your school uniform which you had merely glanced at earlier—only realizing what was about to happen the minute you squeezed in the back seat. As if it couldn’t get any worse, Heejin popped open the compartment to rummage what you couldn’t see at first—until the girl pulled out a golden plated pistol from the container, as if it was completely ordinary for her to do so.

“Heejin, what are you even—we’re going to school, not a battlefield!” Hyunjin glanced at Heejin who looked at you as if you're the one that had grown two heads.

“We need to be ready at all times, Y/N. They won’t hesitate to kill us, trust me—I’ve seen it.”

“You guys can’t be serious!” Heejin kept her concerned eyes on you the entire time she loaded her gun, glancing down at the magazine to pop it back in and easing a bit of your tension when she put the safety on before handing it to Hyunjin, who only needed one hand to hold the wheel to shove the tip of the gun on the band of her skirt behind her—concealing the gun with the uniform coat. And so there you sat, watching in complete despair as the two supposedly simple High School girls—looking almost like an image of pure innocence in their uniforms—continue to arm themselves on the way to school. Just before Hyunjin parked the car, Heejin attempted to at least hand you a combat knife which made you shoot her a look.

“You’ll get used to it sooner or later.” Heejin nonchalantly said as Hyunjin pushed her door, exiting the car to quickly pull her seat to the front so you could also get out. You suppressed a groan once you found almost the entire student body standing still on their spots to gawk at Hyunjin’s car and the two new students that had easily won the hearts of the onlookers. The only thing that stopped you from stomping to your class was Jiwoo exiting Jungeun’s car that had just shut it’s engine next to you, she let her usual excited squeal out as if the three of you didn’t just tail after them or came from the same place as they had.

“I told you I had someone in mind to park in my spot! Aren’t you excited Y/N? You’re finally going to have friends in your class!” Jiwoo wrapped her arms around your body to spin you around while giggling, correcting herself mid way to drag the word “family” before releasing you from her hold, smiling adorably at Hyunjin who looked at the older girl in horror. As Jungeun and Heejin rounded the car to join the three of you, Jiwoo bounced on her feet excitedly before squishing her cheek against an endeared Heejin who did her best to reciprocate the energy.

Wait.. Did she just say your class?

“Why me..?” you stared up at the sky in dread when an unfamiliar voice called Hyunjin from the other side of Jungeun’s car, the familiar wavy haired girl smiled brightly at the sight of the five of you, followed by the short girl, the mint hair colored girl, and the expressionless dark haired girl who almost fell over when Jiwoo ran up to smother the girl with affection. 

“Unnie! You look cool in our uniform!” the girl with the bright smile complimented Hyunjin who’s expression quickly shifted into an endearing one, reaching over to ruffle the younger girl’s hair to which the girl laughed at, attempting to shove her hand away.

“Girls, introduce yourselves to Y/N.” Jungeun cut the encounter short, the four girls turning to look at you.

“Choi Yerim, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you Y/N-unnie!” the wavy haired girl beamed up at you, no hesitation as she reached over to grab your hand and shake it excitedly—for her to only gasp when she stopped mid-way to stare down at the ring on your finger, to which made your eyes subconsciously look at her tie to find purple gemstones and a golden resemblance of a bat.

“Park Chaewon, and this is Son Hyejoo. Yerim, Hyejoo and Hyunjin are triplets.” the mint haired girl motioned to the girl with intimidating eyes next to her, but as Hyejoo seemed to have assessed exactly who you’d be in her life—she bowed in greeting, to which Yerim gasped at before she did the same.

“No, it’s fine guys—please, I’m not initiated yet,” the stood back up on their height as you turned to look at Hyunjin who seemed to have been staring at you the entire time, “and you three bizarrely do.. Look alike.”

“We’re not related, it’s just what we’re known to be called for. Chaewon always tend to give off the wrong impression.”

“Im Yeojin.” the shortest girl bowed without directly making eye contact with you, turning to Jungeun to tell her she’d be heading to class now and left without another word. Yerim gave you an apologetic look.

“She’s Haseul-unnie’s younger sister, she’s just worried for her," she shyly smiled this time, looking around at your group before placing a hand on Jungeun and Hyunjin's arm to glance at the commotion behind her to Jiwoo shaking Hyejoo as she coo'ed, with Chaewon groaning at the sight and Heejin laughing—arms wrapped around Chaewon's arms as they both stared at the other two, "we did our usual rounds, no signs of threat today too."

"Good, that means no one's caught up on our rendezvous yesterday. Stay on guard, they could easily get someone in the vicinity." Yerim nodded at Jungeun's calculating look before the older girl looked at Hyunjin with a stern expression.

"And if it comes down to a fight, Hyunjin and Heejin are with Y/N. That's the closest they can get to her."

"They'll have to figure out which one of us is the boss first." Yerim's lips started to pull up in a grin when you looked at her in confusion just before Hyunjin nodded, grabbing hold of your forearm gently to then eye the two.

"Get to class, we'll talk more later." and with that, the expressionless girl tugged you over to Heejin whom she also practically dragged away by the forearm. Jiwoo and Yerim waved at your retreating figure with big smiles as Chaewon apparently followed behind the three of you, staying close but not too close.

"Why wouldn't Chaewon just walk next to us?" you asked once Hyunjin let go of you and Heejin, the older of the two scurrying from Hyunjin's opposite side to take her place on your left with a contented smile on her lips. Hyunjin merely glanced down at your curious gaze before facing the bustling hallway again, not paying an ounce of attention to your fellow students that gawked at the two girls that walked beside you.

"She's guarding our rear," Hyunjin stated before looking back at you with a knowing look, "if she's seen with us, the enemy would assume she's part of our group. So if she guards from afar.."

"We're at an advantage, got it." you finished, to which Hyunjin nodded at, turning back to the hallways—with you not being able to see the impressed look on her face as you caught up quickly. Heejin peeked from next to you, smiling with her hands behind her back.

"Did you ever catch Chaewon following you around?" Heejin asked when you looked at the girl in bewilderment.

"What?"

"She's been ordered to guard you since the boss passed, over a year ago." Hyunjin said beside you, making you look behind you at the striking girl with flowing mint-colored hair who looked as if she was gliding smoothly past the people around her—something about her aura lit the halls up yet at the same time, she camouflaged in them.

Park Chaewon had been walking behind you for an entire year, and the only time you've actually seen her was that one time in the gymnasium assembly—and the other when she talked to Jungeun in the lot.

The girl was damn good at her job.

"Don't stare at her too long, you don't want rumors of being connected to her floating around. You'll make her job harder for her." you heard Hyunjin say, feeling her hand on your forearm yet again to which made you turn back to the front—but not before shooting Chaewon a tiny smile, making the girl's lips twitch before nodding ever so slightly.

"But she's in the class next to ours, right..?" Heejin laughed, gently bumping her shoulder to yours which made you also bump into Hyunjin who didn't even look back at you two. The soft-featured girl slinging an arm loosely around your shoulders to grin at you.

"Just trust in Kahei, Y/N. She knows what she's doing."

Oh, so the team's strategy is Vivi's role.

When you sat on your assigned seat, you've decided to finally drop the continuous surprise at how fast the group had seemed to settle in your life when the two seats by your own that were usually occupied by your classmates had now been moved to sit in the back of the room—to which Heejin and Hyunjin then taken as if it had been theirs all this time. It didn't stop them from their class introduction though, with Kim Hyunjin staring at the back of the room with a vacant expression—the complete opposite of Heejin's shy smiles and sparkling eyes setting on each student in your class.

You winced at the boys cheering and the girls quickly trying to chat them both up in front of your class advisor, telling them to settle down when Hyunjin barely spared a glance at them as she walked back to the seat next to you—with Heejin apologizing and waving along the way.

You wondered how much longer the day would drag before something else comes to continue flipping your world upside down.

Hello~

I started to write on my laptop and this is way more fun than doing it on my phone (specially proofreading overused words) but as far as this series goes, this chapter did not go the way I envisioned it but.. It still came close. And this is fine too, but now that Y/N and the girls have met—I wonder how this is going to play out. A soft next episode? Maybe a hint of action? We won’t know until it’s there~

Are you guys liking this too? I kind of am, but I need more foundation to the lore in my head and I’m trying to plan out each episode the best I can. All writers want to achieve with their writing is giving a clear picture of their vision through words, you know? Vibe.

Anyways, here’s an episode~ I hope you guys really are enjoying this, I’m slowly easing back into my writing style back when I used to be passionate about writing—so it’ll continue to be lengthy, and more so when I keep at this~ But that’s all for this Author’s Note. The idea of the pins and ring though, had me giggling like a school girl to myself lmao.

And yes, the title was a Hamilton reference aha!

Laters,

JJ.

>ovc: Mnet-KPOP (200206)

https://youtu.be/BRgfqbu3GdE

#loona #loona imagines #kpop #kpop imagines #heejin #hyunjin #haseul #yeojin #vivi #kim lip #jinsoul #choerry #yves #chuu #gowon #olivia hye #y/n #loona x reader #loona 1/3 #loona odd eye circle #loona yyxy #alternate universe #long reads #series

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Sixteen)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Fifteen ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Seventeen

Luke pov.

“Do it again.” Ashton asks, staring at me intently.

We were about to leave my house for my surprise party, which I discovered in less than an hour. I was rehearsing a face of surprise so as not to end the surprise, cause I know everyone worked hard for it.

I widen my eyes, breaking into a smile.

“I can't believe you deceived me.” I say with my voice altered by the ‘surprise’.

“Don't say that, it will be very obvious that you know. Says ‘I can't believe you threw a party for me’.” he suggests.

"I can't believe you threw a party for me." I redo the entire acting.

“Yep! Me either. But what doesn't M&Ms ask, that I don't do?” Ash dries the water bottle with a shrug. “I'm just kidding.” he laughs after seeing my face.

“Speaking of her…” I fill my glass with some more wine, since it's too early for us to go. “Something new?” Ashton denies, frustrated too.

“I commented that she was acting weird, but she just changed the conversation and said that she's been busy and that she was nervous about the party.” he sighs. I massage my forehead, annoyed.

"Am I going to have to put her against the wall to get something?" I look at him, not knowing what to do.

“You know this isn't going to work. She's going to run away, you're going to fight, she's going to walk away and you're going to be more annoying than you already are.” I appreciate my friend's attempt to change the mood with provocation, but it has no effect.

"I can't find any reason to give me any sign of what's going on. Was it my fault? I knew I shouldn't have stayed with her that Saturday, I pushed the situation too hard and now she's pulling away, avoiding me-”

“Oh shut up! Don't even start with that.” Irwin raises his voice, cutting mine off. "Marnie isn't like that, she doesn’t do these things. If she wasn't comfortable she was going to talk. You said yourself that she asked you to sleep there. She let you pick her up on Monday and asked you to take her home, even after you dedicated Best Years to her. She didn't run away there, because it was remarkable how much she liked the song. You should pay more attention to the way she looks at you.”

A silly laugh escapes my lips when I see Ashton imitate her looking at me and smiling. My heart warms at the possibility that she is actually falling in love with me, just as I already am with her.

"Luke, if she didn't want to get back together, she wouldn't open up so many gaps and opportunities for you to be together. She must just be confused about the feelings. That's how it looked for the first time. Look, let's analyze her behavior today, after all the stress of the party and then we get stressed.”

I agree with my friend. I'm freaking out over something that shouldn't be very important. Maybe it's all the pressure with finishing the album. The release date is approaching and sure enough, Jim freaking out in my ear for the publicity trip we were supposed to be doing, but we're still going against it due to Marnie's accident.

I don't know how many times I have to tell him I'm not leaving LA yet. This delay wasn't hindering anything, so I don't know why he makes such a point.

“Go, get rid of that dead face and let's enjoy your party.” Ash slaps my shoulder.

We left the house, heading to Jack's house, where the party would be. I've been training my face the entire way, wanting it to be as realistic as possible, even though everyone already suspects that I know.

Even if I didn't know it, the moment I see the street full of cars, I realize that I would find out there. Irwin tells them we're coming and I notice the noise of the music fade away. Discreet.

We entered the house, finding everything quiet and tidy. But when we turn to the kitchen and garden, a lot of people scream in surprise. I take a step back, like I'm really shocked.

"I can't believe you did that." I look at Ash, wanting to see that I did well. But his expression ‘so so’ disappoints me.

“In the car it was better.” he says before walking away and letting people get closer.

I don't know how many people I hugged, but I know the only one I wanted to see was the last one to arrive. I hold my breath, seeing her in a black leather skirt and a transparent black blouse, highlighting her tattoo between her breasts.

I swallow hard, cracking a nervous smile as she approaches with a huge grin, almost jumping into my lap. Unlike yesterday, where I just got a congratulations message, M&Ms hug me, leaving a lingering kiss on my cheek.

“Happy Birthday!” the gleam in her eyes proves to me she's already a little high.

I resist the urge to steal a kiss from her lips, just kissing her cheek back but giving her waist a squeeze, pressing her against my body. She seems to notice my intent, drastically changing her breathing.

"I wanted to talk to you later. If possible.” I say against her ear.

“About?” her eyes sweep me for any clues.

“Surprise.” I reveal, seeing her roll her eyes in agreement.

I watch her walk away with the girls, but she doesn't fully break eye contact with me, looking at me from afar. I let out a breath, realizing it's going to be a long night and another long battle to resist her and the urge to take her to a dark corner.

In the kitchen, where most of the drinks are, I start my work, drinking the alcohol, enjoying the burning sensation that the liquid leaves in my throat. I get distracted with video game conversation and allow my mind to relax with lighter, more relaxed topics.

The party had been going on for a few hours. My head is already light, due to the high alcohol content my body retains. I know I'm laughing at some bullshit Brian is talking about, even though his words don't make any sense in my mind. Maybe I've already had too much to drink and it's better to stop for a while. I don't want to be sick at my own party.

The term vibrates in my mind and I start searching the crowd for the cotton candy hair, worried about her condition. The feeling pulls my head out of the air, sobering me up for a few minutes.

I find her dancing hand in hand with Noah, laughing at the older man's exaggerated steps. I stare at the scene, happy that she is enjoying herself. Unlike at the beginning of the week, Marnie is now upbeat and not acting. Maybe Irwin is right and she was just stressed about the birthday party.

I push my thoughts away, concentrating on yet another beer pong game. I've played more times than I could count and I'm starting to doubt the two arms Jack has won since my last drink.

“Problems.” Michael sings beside me, pointing to the door. Pam walked in smiling excitedly, holding hands with a guy who sure as hell didn't want to be there. It's not possible…

Sobriety hits me like a cannon. All the alcohol and smoke that was in my body is gone and I am able to think clearly for the first time since I arrived.

I massage my forehead, bringing my gaze to Marnie, who's already staring at Pam without a specific expression. I cross the room with incredible ease, reaching for her, hugging her waist, pulling her to me.

“We can talk now?” Marnie didn't even seem to hear me, still staring at Pam, who was greeting some people. "M&Ms?" I call closer to her ear, but no effect. “Hey!” I drop a kiss to her temple, squeezing her waist.

Her green eyes cross mine and I can palpate the insecurity in them. Marnie just nodded, letting me lead her out of the room. We went up to a room, being alone. I look at her face, still half lost, and I approach slowly, feeling that little box weigh tons in my pocket.

“What do you want to talk about?” she gives a slight smile, turning her full attention to me.

“First I wanted to apologize for Pam. I didn't know what she was going to come.” Marnie rolls her eyes, shrugging.

“It’s OK! No need to apologize. My head is so full I don't even care about her anymore.” she sits up in bed, crossing her legs.

“And I believe she won't even mind us today, after all, she came with someone” I sat beside her.

“Yeah! Poor guy.” I let out a laugh at her pity for the poor boy. “It was just that?”

I lose myself in her eyes for a few seconds, wondering if that's all. I draw her face in my mind once more, recording every feature I fell in love with. My lips tingle as I landed my eyes on her mouth, slightly reddened by the drink.

At another time, right now she and I would be locked in some bathroom or bedroom, succumbing to desire and the alcohol in our blood. My fingertips ache amidst the memories of all the times I have run across her skin, feeling it burn under my touch.

My mind starts to cloud and the flashes of the two of us become more and more vivid. I try to push those thoughts away, but they seem to sink into my mind with force. My body heats up with every scene my mind plays. I feel the blood running the wrong way and I don't know how to stop it.

"Luke?" I'm startled by your touch on my hand. Marnie was looking at me with a mixture of curiosity and concern. “Are you okay?” I watch her hand squeeze mine, like she always did when I was angry or upset.

And just with that touch, everything stops inside me. The fire is gone and now I'm seized by a gigantic pain and rage in my chest, a rage for her being ripped from me so abruptly. I stare at her fingers moving gently, transmitting a caress throughout my body.

"Luke?" now she was looking at me extremely worried.

“Sorry. I think the drink hit.” I open a smile, trying to calm her down. M&Ms don't seem to buy much, but she smiles smugly.

“I already told you you're drinking a lot. In a little while you'll be passed out and won't even enjoy your own birthday party.” my smile widens in the midst of her care. "Don't give me that smile." she pushes my face away. "Is that all you wanted to talk about?"

“No!” this time I answer faster. “Actually, I wanted to give you something.” I fish the little white box in my pocket, feeling my fingers as soft as jelly. What if she doesn't like it? What if she gets angry?

“You know it's your birthday, right? You're the one who should get presents, not give. Especially for me.” she looks at me angrily, not wanting to accept the box.

"Well, it's my birthday and I'll do what I want, in which case I give it to you." I place the object in her hands. “I wanted to wait until your birthday, but it's still far away and I can't take it.” I lift my shoulders quickly, making her laugh.

Taking advantage of the fact that she was involved with the present, slowly, I move closer to her body, contenting myself with the least contact we have. I notice Marnie hold her breath at the sight of the blue quartz necklace, just like the one she had.

With no more reaction than that, I start to convince myself that I've fucked up and she hated it. It wasn't the time yet, as much as everything was going well, it wasn't the time yet.

“I can't believe you did this.” her voice comes out in a breath in surprise. I let my mind race to our first Christmas, where she gave me my necklace and I gave that star to her.

“If you don't like it…” my voice trails off as I see her eyes watery and filled with joy. It was the right time.

I'm not afraid to advance towards her, covering your lips with mine in a short kiss. The cherry taste becomes my favorite for the rest of the night. Marnie wipes her tears as she calls herself pathetic for crying.

"I know we used it as a dating ring, but it doesn't have to be-”

"Could you put it on for me?" she interrupts me, not caring about my fear. With my hands still trembling and cold, I close the necklace around her neck, enjoying the scene of her smiling enchanted by that stone. “Thanks!”

This time it is she who steps forward, stealing a kiss. The mood changes drastically. The screams outside seem to die in my ears, leaving only silence. The music that used to burst had ceased to exist.

That little kiss breaks, but she doesn't pull away, keeping her forehead still glued to mine. I'm startled when her eyes return to mine, I can see her perfectly there, in front of me, in my arms. I recognize that glow, that look and what it wanted to convey.

It was her there. The reason I get up every morning. The reason that makes me want to be better and better. The person I always want to impress. My girl. My Marnie.

I bring my hand to the back of her neck, bringing our lips together once more. I feel goose bumps as our tongues touch and her hand cups my face, holding me there. If she knew the last thing I want is to run away…

I'm surprised I feel despair on her side. The urgency on her lips. The need for the touch of her hands, the way they ran through my hair, the back of my neck and chest.

Easily, I pull her onto my lap, moaning, feeling her body against mine after so long. The fire that had previously ceased inside me, runs again through my veins, making everything too cloudy. I can't reason whether this was right or not. We both drink too much. She still hasn't given me full openness to so much attitude, even though she's still here, kissing me.

I try for a few minutes to clear my mind, to be a little rational and not get carried away by emotion, but the sound her mouth makes when I touch her neck with my lips ruins whatever train of thought I was building.

I touch the exact spots that make her moan and scramble for more friction. I watch thirstily as her eyes roll back and her lip is bitten in an attempt to control the moans. Her nails scratch the back of my neck, releasing an electric current that migrates between my legs.

I gasp when I feel her rub against my groin, spreading a current throughout my body. I want to beg her to do it again, but it's not really necessary, she knows and she does. So excruciating, but so good. Again I am startled to find that glow that I knew so much. I wonder where this Marnie was all along.

I shove my hand inside her shirt, enjoying her burning skin. I stroke the spot below her bra with my thumb, wanting not to frighten her. I suck the skin under her ear, lapping it with my tongue. My body combusts as she stirs and presses her crotch harder against mine. I cup her breast with enjoyment, hearing her call my name the way I liked it best.

Her desperate hands run inside my jacket, wanting to throw it away. I was ready to help when a heavy knock on the door disrupts our moment.

"What the fuck is it?" anger rips up my throat, causing a very angry scream. So much time to interrupt.

"It's time to cut the cake." I hear Calum's voice and feel like throwing him from the second floor.

“Serious? Stick the cake in your-” two small hands cover my mouth, preventing me from continuing.

“We're on our way, Cal.” Marnie yells louder and breathless.

I watch your body soften, lost and, I fear, even regretful. She is no longer there. She avoids looking at me, perhaps out of shame.

“It was better this way.” her sweet voice comes closer to a whisper.

“Was?” I stare at her, not wanting to accept that I was the only one to feel it. I know I wasn't, because her expression tells me I'm right.

“Was! You know it was.” her tone is still sweet, but her gaze is hard. "I think we'd better go downstairs." she gets up carefully, getting out of bed. I throw my head against my hands, visibly frustrated.

"Go ahead, I need to get both heads in place." I throw my body against the mattress.

“Sorry, Luke.” I can't stand her feeling guilty when she's the biggest victim of all this.

"M&Ms?" I leap out of bed, grabbing her before disappearing through the door. “It's not your fault. I'm the one who lost control, I'm sorry. You didn't give me the opening to attack you like that and I let myself go…” her lips silence me.

“It wasn't anyone's fault, can we do that?” I nod, stealing the last kiss before I let her go. "I'll wait for you downstairs." she announce.

I turn around, heading back to bed, still feeling frustration coursing through my veins.

“Hey!” I turn to see her there, standing in the doorway. My chest races with yearning from the many times I've seen her do the same scene. My ears and heart ache wanting to hear those words that always came next. Those three words that were so beautiful in her mouth. “Thanks for this.” she smiles and leaves.

I stare at the wood, snapping back to reality. I'm such an idiot for thinking she was going to say she loves me. I hide my face, exhausted. I look across the bed, able to see the two of us there, so given to each other.

I replay the scene in my head, tasting her kiss on my lips. Feeling my body tingle, still wanting her touch. The pressure on my pants becomes bigger and more uncomfortable. I need to make this go away. I scramble my mind for many things to calm myself down, but I can't. I can still feel her hands running around the back of my neck and her groin against mine.

"Shit!" I give up, going to the bathroom and locking myself in there. I don't care if I'm late, or what they think. I won't be able to eliminate this with thoughts alone.

I lower my pants and underwear, releasing my already throbbing member. I run my hand over it, making my body vibrate in relief. I let my mind flood with all thoughts and memories with her, feeling my body inflate further.

I increase my speed, being able to feel her touch through my body. I punch the wall, feeling my stomach contract. I rest my forehead against the cool coating, letting out several sighs. Her eyes flash in my mind.

The many times I've seen her face twist in pure orgasm under my touch. That smirk and that vulgar glow she always lets off before pulling me aside. And I always did, like a puppy.

My breathing gets out of control as I reach my orgasm. A wave of relief and lightness overcomes me, along with a wave of guilt. It must have been the 15th time since it all happened.

I can't have her. I can't stand the idea of ​​looking for someone else, even though we are not officially together, so I have to get by with baths and my bare hands, but as a result I feel like the dirtiest human being, as she doesn't even suspect.

I walk down the stairs, not attracting any attention. I find her sitting on the couch, on Leah's lap, laughing at some imitation Ashton was doing. I approach the group, who make no fuss about my delay.

I pick up the bottle of white wine on the coffee table, flipping half the contents. I feel her green eyes burn on me and I don't even have the courage to reciprocate by ignoring her.

“Is everything OK? Sorry if I messed something up.” Hood says next.

“It's OK! In fact, it was better, if you didn't show up, we would have done something stupid.” I say dry.

"Is that why this sour face?" he raises an eyebrow.

"I'm feeling awful for almost bringing her to this and not having the conscience to stop." I reveal a part of the guilt that burns in me.

“Luke, you are not complete strangers. And maybe she really wanted to go further, she just didn't know how. After all, at that moment she was supposed to be your f-”

"I know!" I cut it off, not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence.

For my salvation, someone starts to sing happy birthday and the matter is closed. I open a smile disguising the shit my head was on. Michael puts a little purple hat on my head, blowing a plastic horn, very excited.

The scene makes me laugh, relieving the stress. I watch Leah and Kyleen swing colorful pom poms behind Marnie, who is holding a small cake with several candles.

I look deep into her eyes, noticing her happiness to be there and somehow mine too. After all, she's here, even if she doesn't remember much, she's still here. The accident could have been a lot worse and I could have lost her forever.

I push the damn thoughts away, blowing out the candles and driving everyone crazy. I'm surprised when Marnie leans in, stealing a kiss, not caring that she's in front of everyone. Her rosy cheeks manage to steal a smile far bigger than Michael did.

In the back of the room, I notice Pam with her arms crossed and sulking. I don't know if Marnie did it on purpose, intent on teasing, but something she did, and if Pam is pissed off, we're happy.

The clock was already showing around 5:00 in the morning. I've already fluctuated my alcohol level more times than I can count. While the boys filled me with rum, M&Ms filled me with water and food, afraid I would go into an alcoholic coma or whatever. Of course I took advantage of her concern and all the attention she was giving me.

At some point during the party, Michael took over the DJ's table and there we were, jumping up behind him, singing I Want It That Way at the top of our lungs, with the lost girls trying to do the choreography. That was definitely the best thing about the party, right after my moment with Marnie in the bedroom.

Right after his moment commanding the party's playlist, Clifford decided to climb on the roof to jump into the pool. Something that was already taking a while to happen. What he and no one expected was Marnie yelling at him, worried.

“It's comical, because if it weren't for the amnesia and the lack of alcohol, she would be the one on the roof.” Irwin comments lying beside me, watching the scene of her yelling at Michael, asking him to come down.

“And we called the fire department because she got stuck again.” I shake my head, wanting not to laugh at the memories. “Good times.” I'm toasting my friend, still watching her worriedly behind the older one.

Sitting in the garden, talking to some friends, I watch the girl laughing in a circle with Noah and Calum. She gets up, walking into the house, returning in a few minutes. I watch her come around, stopping behind me.

“Now the one who needs to talk is me.” she whispers in my ear. I don't think twice about taking your hand and heading out of the wheel chat.

I can see a large package in her hands and the idea of ​​being my gift makes me anxious. A little farther away from the mess that remained, she hands me the black box with a gold bow on top. Before opening it, I take a look at her excited smile, letting out a laugh.

I find five rings and three necklaces arranged around the box. I can't hold back the smile, seeing what she's chosen. I know I might look like an idiot for some jewelry, but it's amazing jewelry she picked out.

“You liked?” she bites her lower lip, curious.

“I loved!” I hug your body, thanking her. I know she has no intentions other than to give me a birthday present, but of course I will wear these rings and necklaces with more affection than usual. “Thanks.” I mean, still ecstatic.

Hand in hand, we approached the crowd again, bumping into Kiki, Sophie and Michael.

“We were thinking about going to Michael's house. The party is already boring and I'm hungry.” Kiki comments. I look a little offended at her, after all, that was my birthday party. “Oh! Nothing personal.” she laughs, slapping me on the shoulder.

“What do you think?” I ask the M&Ms, who shrug their shoulders. "Have you talked to the rest?"

“Leah was going to call Noah and Ash, we were going to rescue Calum.”

“OK! We'll get our stuff and meet you at the door.” Marnie agrees and so we disperse.

Still holding hands, we walked back upstairs, looking for her bag. In the kitchen, I grab a bottle of vodka, a tequila, and a whiskey, trying to put everything in my bag, but it doesn't quite work.

“We should take advantage of the gathering and have your liver funeral.” I turn to Marnie who glares at me, seeing three bottles in my arm and me struggling to open one of beer.

Easily, we made our way to the front door, finding Kiki and Sophie. Gradually, everyone arrived and so we left the party, without saying goodbye to anyone.

“Uh, tequila?” Hood comes towards me, hugging the bottle.

Michael's house was the closest and, having drunk too much, we thought we'd better walk.

On the way, we stopped at a bakery, buying a bunch of things to eat. The day was already showing signs of life when we arrived at Mike's house. At the dinner table, we spread out the stolen drinks and food, starting our round table, as well as picking up several board games that Michael kept.

“I wanted to propose a toast to Mr. Luke Hemmings.” Noah draws the toast, making everyone raise their glasses and bottles. “One of the few people worth meeting in this hellish city where you can't trust anyone. The other people are unfortunately not present…”

A shower of paper balls and food flies towards the 20 minutes older twin. I'm surprised when I watch Marnie leave my arms, standing up.

“I also wanted to give a speech.”

“You didn't have to, babe.” I say, shaking her hand that still had our fingers intertwined.

“It's not about you.” she sticks out her tongue, causing everyone to scream.

“Ouch!” I put my hand to my chest, accepting the blow and still feeling my heart race.

“Shut up.” she screams, laughing. “Well, I wanted to make this toast in thanks to all of you. I know it's been three years of friendship, but for me it's only been a month and even with all the confusion and breakup.” her fingers squeeze mine and I move them, giving them a light caress. “You still took me in and took great care of me. I am eternally grateful for that. Leah doesn't even start crying, I need to get this over with and if I cry it's going to go wrong.” the mood breaks a little with the laughter. “Bottom line, I just want to say that whatever the future holds, I like you all a lot and that this isn't just a bunch of crazy friendship the universe threw at me, it's the family I've been looking for. As Noah said, you're the few people worth living in this hell of a city and I love you all so much. Cheers!”

Everyone raises their glasses once more, toasting her speech. I cross my gaze with Leah, who has also noticed something odd. She still hadn't commented on Monday's episode and I still had it hanging around in my mind.

It was very visible that something was troubling her. Her eyes wandering lost, her disappearance since Monday until today, claiming to be super busy and out of time. Everyone was sensing that something was wrong, but she wouldn't let go or comment on it.

“Especially you.” I focus my attention on her, who settles back into my arms. “Regardless of our future, I like you very much.” she whispers, before pressing her lips to mine. “Please never forget that. Promise?”

I get lost in her eyes, noticing a hint of fear and pain in them. It's horrible to see her like this and not know what to do. For nothing in this world I want her to feel unprotected or alone, she said herself that we are a family, so she wouldn't have to face anything alone.

“Only if you promise me you'll tell me what's going on.” I play hard, not caring if this becomes an issue between us, or if it pushes her away a little.

“Luke…” my name comes out in a painful sigh.

"Marnie." I say her name harshly, wanting her to understand that I won't change my mind.

“I'll tell. Just not today. Today is your day and that's what matters to me. So please let's enjoy?” she begs. As always, I surrender, nodding. I drop a kiss to her forehead, before pulling her to my chest again.

Hastings still looks at me suspiciously and unfortunately I only have reason to agree with her. Something was up with Marnie and she didn't want to tell us.

A minute of silence, our baby is turning 25 today and I am not knowing how to handle it.

#5sos imagine #5sosedit #luke 5sos #5sauce #calum 5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos blurbs #5sosfam #5sos fanfic #5sos #ashton 5 seconds of summer #ashton 5sos #ashton fletcher irwin #ashton irwin #calum 5sauce #michael gordon clifford #calumthomashood #calum hood #michael clifford #memorieslrh #michael 5sos #luke hemmings fic #luke hemming imagines #luke robert hemmings #luke hemmo #lukey #luke hemmings smut #luke hemmings #lrh #5sos smut

[dedkake]

Hi Lauren, you seem like a grown up person (tho I'm older than you ;-;) so I'd like to take something off my chest/ask for advice(?). I may be on the ace spectrum, not sure, never tried a relationship, but I really like romance stories/slash stories. The situation that has been bothering me is: I was working somewhere and I realized an older colleague was trying to flirt with me, to the point that he confessed to me (although I had been politely turning him down for ages). (1/2)

(2/2)I felt extremely annoyed and even offended by it?? (but I still was polite to the end) I know technically he did nothing wrong. But man, I was so mad internally. I'm still mad to this day, it literally haunts me. I wonder what I did wrong, how I should have avoided that confession from happening in the first place... Thinking I'll lie and say I'm not single from now on. But u know, if it all had been the plot of a slash fic I'd be all over it! wtf is wrong with me! And how do I get over it?

💜💜💜 please feel free to talk to me any time! talking through stuff is always helpful. i'm not an expert on relationships or asexuality by a long shot--i'm just. shuffling through life trying to figure it out as i go. but sharing experiences with one another is a hugely validating thing!!

there’s nothing wrong with you!! and you didn’t do anything wrong!

the situation you've described sucks! i so so so hate it when i find myself in a situation where people are flirting with me. particularly when i don't realize until later or when outsiders point it out. hate it. can think of a dozen times this has happened over the course of my life in vivid detail because like you said, it's haunting. when it is particularly sexual, it feels like a violation. i don’t view myself that way and it is disconcerting to be reminded that others might. particularly people i have to interact with regularly!

but in general, i think we need to be kinder to ourselves. so i try to keep these things in mind:

i can't control other people. i am not responsible for someone else’s feelings or the way they act on those feelings. i'm not doing anything wrong by putting up my boundaries. i'm also not doing anything wrong by not noticing their feelings in the first place 🙃 literally just not on my radar, my flirty friends. 

intention is the entire basis of any relationship--it's what makes a romance different from a friendship, or one friend different from another. the intention one person has in a relationship can change (bc people change). communication and boundaries are important, particularly when things change.

to your other point:

i don’t have to have experienced something to know i don’t want it. ‘try this food you might like it’ is not the way to go for relationships, particularly if the smell or sight of it makes me gag. i think fish looks good as a picture on the menu, but when you bring it near me, i literally have to walk away because the smell is so nauseating to me.

what i enjoy in fiction has nothing to do with what i want for myself. enjoying romantic/sexual fic or even having fantasies about it doesn't really have anything to do with what i want irl. people who like genres like horror and war do not want to experience those things themselves. even allo people like reading about romantic/sexual scenarios they don't want for themselves.

the time that my lawn guy asked if i was single (true story!) was fundamentally different than an au where character a does character b’s lawn and asks for their phone number. because in the fic, it usually becomes clear that they are both into it! i love the idea of this story! my friends loved the idea of that guy asking me that! i did not want this for me and had to find a new lawn guy! the idea of it and it happening to me were Very Different things.

as for advice. i don’t know. people do things to protect themselves and people do things to comfort themselves. people share more about themselves or less about themselves. it’s a deeply personal choice.

you said in your ask that you’re uncertain if you want to use the aspec label, and you seem upset by the mismatch in your feelings, hobbies, and experiences. i found it worthwhile reading the experiences of people in the aspec community (irl or fiction). regardless of whether you end up feeling more comfortable with an aspec label or deciding it’s not for you, it might help!

reading the experiences of other ace and aro people has helped me So Much. i’ve been lurking on some big ace blogs and reading any ace fic i can get my hands on for years. and it’s also helped me feel more comfortable with myself--embracing being ace and embracing the questioning nature of my aro label is much easier when i’m hearing other people express similar experiences and feelings! 

#hi anon #i hope you're okay #!! #sorry for a delayed response #anonymous #also thank you for thinking i'm a grown up person #ldkfja;sld #i appreciate it #idk if any of this makes sense #or if it's helpful at all <3

[julies-butterflies]

Honestly, your writing reminds me a lot of the buffyverse. Just the perfect balance of humor and sadness and romance and heart that just feels like a vivid window into the world you've created.

God the Body...the best forty minutes of television I may never watch again. I've rewatched Willow and Tara's kiss (because I'll adore them forever), but just...the weight of it. It took me a full month to work up the nerve to watch the episode, to be ready to cry that much.

What you said about not wanting people to suffer, because of your work...It's never once felt like that for me. And I've cried a LOT while reading your work. I'll try to explain it the best I can

Grief can be so isolating, and disorienting. Your world goes topsey-turvey, supports you took for granted go flying into the abyss and suddenly it's a minefield of those glass shards. And no one's grief is identical. No two circumstances are the same. It's not possible for anyone else to know exactly how you feel, because no two hearts break alike.

Sometimes, it's because people just don't understand. Sometime's it's because they no longer want to. But some days, that feeling of aloneness can be crushing.

Then one night, I stumbled upon Let These Shadows Fall Away Like Dust. That one hit me way harder than I was ever expecting. The question of how to grieve the living, the dilemma on when forgiveness is deserved...Alex's anger, his devestation, the rawness of it all....That's my broken glass. Those are concepts I've been struggling for over a year. I'm still picking up pieces every day.

I sobbed, because it was such a relief. To see the feelings that had been scrambled up in my mind just reflected there, on my screen. The reminder I had desperately needed, that I was not alone. That even though my circumstances were different, I was not the only one trying to unravel those messy emotions.

Then again, I also read your deathfic for fun, so maybe I'm not the best judge of this. I tend to like angst. I tend to get a lot of "WHY WOULD YOU MAKE IT THAT SAD" in group chats :D

Please don't feel any pressure to respond to me quickly or anything. I never mind the wait. I'm so sorry for the rough times. Wishing that you and your family gets whatever you need to help ease your storm. Sending love and support as well.

(sorry for all the metaphors. I'm super sleepy and apparently, I resort to purple prose when tired lol)

I know exactly what you mean about Emily. I understand why people don't like her, but I just love to see her written as such a grey character. It's just so much more powerful when the love is so clearly there.

I mean, that's what a tragedy is, really. Love cut short. Grieving a future that could have been everything, if fate had not been cruel. I don't know if you know musical theater, but I like to think about the Barber and His Wife, from Sweeney Todd: the whole tragedy of that show, is that they were happy all together, and then permanently broken. How their paths keep crossing, but they never connect to heal. Never lost, but never found.

And that's the tragedy of Luke and Emily: too stubborn and too late. You find that grey area, the messiness so well, and just bring it all out so wonderfully. You do the same with Bobby/Trevor, ESPECIALLY in the horror and the wild. God, that absolutely devestated me. I'm not a big fan of horror in general, and I haven't explored the genre that much but...if all horror is like yours then DAMN, I might just have to become a fan.

This got super long (lol) so I'll wrap it up now but! THE SIC FIC QUEENS TOGETHER???? When I tell you I lost it.... all too well Bobby and what you've lost reggie in the same story are killing me. I am hooked and incredibly hyped. Loved both updates so far, and cannot wait to see where the story goes!

Oh yeah and I forget: I have to ask, do you have a fan cast of the one, the only, the incredible Keith Richards? (and that goblin is so cute!!! I really want to pet the blood thirsty monster. So badly)

Love, your totally-not-undead-pen-pal, :D

-Vampire Anon

Know musicals? Vampire Anon my beloved, I am a musical theatre bitch. Take a look at my high school graduation cap! (Anastasia is my favorite musical... something about the themes of home, love, and family, the idea of always finding a place in the world even after enduring incredible hardship, that anything is survivable with faith and love in your heart... I'm also a Romanov history bitch, and Christy Altomare is such an incredible talent and human being.) Literally, talk to me about musicals anytime!

And yeah, I definitely see your metaphor... the tragedy of The Barber and his Wife was how close they came to each other throughout the whole show, existing within reach the entire time, after being separated for so long. But it wasn't the same; it never could be. Time and trauma had changed them both into something unrecognizeable, and when they came face-to-face, they could only hurt each other. At a certain point, the ghosts of your past are meant to stay ghosts. Sure, you might want them back more than anything --- but what would it mean? What would you truly be getting back?

Luke's "back", of course, and he comes home to visit his parents multiple times... but they're not the same people he left. They're older, greyer, changed by grief... while he's just the same. A snapshot forever frozen in time, a memory crystalized in amber. You can't hold memories in your hands. You can't pull them close and refuse to let them go. Eventually, they'll slip away... and to Mitch and Emily, a memory is all their son is, now. That's what's so heartrending about the situation we see in the show, especially --- so much love still exists between all of them, but it has no place to go.

Okay, sorry, it's 3am here and I'm rambling too, haha --- mentioning musical theatre was a mistake.

I'm so glad my stories have been able to connect with you, especially 'shadows' --- that one resonated with a lot of people, more than I ever realized it would. It's not the most personal story to me... but definitely one that needed to be told, and the emotion in it... hits home for a lot of people. It means so much to me knowing that story, and Alex's internal struggle, has made people feel less alone.

I think I'm going to have a hard time looking back on that one, though. We were staying at my aunt's house for the weekend where I wrote most of it; I read a few excerpts to her, and she said she liked it. She was always interested in my writing... I kind of wish I'd gotten the chance to share more of it with her.

Like you said. Grief's a funny thing. Disorienting, relentless, and crushing.

Please just remember, though --- whatever you're dealing with, you're not alone. You don't have to cut yourself on those broken pieces... one day, you'll wake up, and realize you feel whole again. It will never feel the same, and the pain will always be there... but healing around it is what makes us stronger. You don't owe anyone your forgiveness; it's okay to grieve when you've lost something, regardless of whether death has taken them from you. Grief doesn't have to be earned, it simply has to be felt.

You'll be stronger for it, in the end. I'm sorry you've been hurting so much.

Anyways! Oh gosh! On to lighter, happier topics! Please tell me...

What are your favorite fics? (Like, my fics, obviously, which fics of mine do you just go gaga over? Please praise me or else my ego will shrivel like a worm on hot pavement.) No, okay, I'm kidding --- what are your top fics for this fandom? Like, what are the ones that really resonate with you, that you could read over and over? The JATP fandom has so many greats, but I'm always drawn back to Some Killer Queen You Are by pearlcaddy (buffyverse meets jatp!! iconic!!), Lantern's Light by thefairhero (literally the SOFTEST reggie), the sky's not empty tonight by firefall (just... devastating and beautiful in a dozen ways), and literally anything by foundfamilyvevo.

How long have you been in the JATP fandom? Who are your favorite characters? What's your favorite JATP song?

And finally, most importantly... what are your favorite musicals?

(also... since u asked... behold keith richards and tremble)

#vampire anon my beloved #also... vampire anon... you're a writer #i can tell!! i can read it in your words #youre so eloquent and put things so beautifully #do you write fic?? have you posted any for jatp??

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

The Best Things ~ J.V. (Part 5)

A/n: I... really like this series. I hope you guys do too. It's gonna be a tad different from the show, but I also have like a lot of things I find quite clever about it so I'm just super excited lol. Hope you guys like it as much as I do.

Word Count: 5100+

Playlist

MASTERLIST

Jerome's hand tightened as he gripped Y/n's side. His arm was draped around the other boy's, both of them asleep. The movement woke Y/n though and he looked over, confused until he saw the look of soft distress on the redhead's face. It was an odd expression for someone who was asleep. There was a strain, but it battled for place on features that obviously wanted to relax and rest.

Y/n frowned before reaching up and stroking Jerome's face. This was an extremely rare sign of softness or affection. With Jerome it was destruction and sex. Being stuck in a prison for the criminally insane didn't allow for dates, but Y/n got the feeling that Jerome wasn't much of a candle light dinner kind of dude. He didn't mind. There was a time and a place for romance, and this was not the place but it did seem that this was the time. "Jerome?" His hand moved to the redhead's shoulder and he shook gently.

There was a soft jerk and a little squeak as Jerome's eyes slammed open like someone ramming open a door. His body began to shake a little and Y/n immediately became intensely concerned. He sat up, leaning over Jerome and looking to see if he was hurt or something had happened to him. He seemed fine... but he obviously wasn't. "J? What's wrong?"

It was at that moment that Jerome finally took a breath in and Y/n realized he hadn't been breathing since he'd open his eyes. That was only a few seconds, but still. Y/n stroked his face and neck very softly, leaving a little kiss on his shoulder. Jerome took deep breaths, his body shaking a little. He didn't speak. He didn't move. It was as if he was trying to pretend he wasn't awake or that this wasn't happening. It was incredibly out of character for him and it made Y/n feel very scared for him. The boy just kept touching Jerome and saying his name softly and leaving little kisses here and there. Neither boy spoke for a very long time.

Finally Jerome calmed. "Did I wake you up?" He asked very quietly. He was continuing to make the choice to be still, and between the complete lack of dramatics and the chilling softness of his voice, Y/n felt like they were hiding from something very dangerous. It felt for a second like they were in some horror movie. Y/n could almost hear the soundtrack. It was unnerving.

"No," he lied. "I have a habit of waking up at random times at night. I don't usually sleep solidly." Which was a partial truth. Ever since his parents had died he hadn't gotten many nights of solid sleep. He hadn't had much of a problem with it since being with Oswald though, and it had lessened even more when Jerome and him had started sharing a bed. The redhead was warm and comfortable- there wasn't much room for anxiety.

That didn't seem to be the case for Jerome.

Jerome sat up. "It seems I fell asleep in the wrong bed." He looked at Y/n and giggled, but the sound was choked and weak. Y/n offered a small smile because Jerome seemed to want it. He had been right- Jerome immediately relaxed. The older boy leaned over and planted a sloppy kiss on Y/n's cheek before standing and moving sluggishly to his bed. Or, sluggish for him I suppose. He was still putting up a solid effort to seem normal.

Once both boys were in bed, it got quiet again. It seemed both of them were waiting for the other to fall asleep. Y/n fell asleep first. Hearing the younger boy's even breathing was incredibly soothing to Jerome, who closed his eyes. He pushed away the far too vivid images of a trailer and a twisted expression red with rage. He tried to push away the memories that had translated into a nightmare. One he should have been used to having, but could never seem to adjust to.

Y/n helped. It was like he drained all of Jerome's pretenses. They could just be themselves around each other, unapologetically. Jerome was never sorry for being himself, but it was definitely refreshing to have someone feel the same way. Y/n wasn't bothered by the way he did things or the things he said or anything. Jerome could relax. He could let down his barriers, just a little. Which meant he felt less of a need to put on a show and instead just had fun with it, but it also meant that the things he blocked out of his mind came crawling back, begging for attention after a lifetime of hiding them away from even his own mind.

Maybe Y/n was bad for Jerome. He'd been fine before. Now he was damn near happy, but he was also suffering from nightmares again-something he hadn't had since he had finally gotten rid of his bitch of a mother. Maybe Jerome should stop with the whole Y/n thing. Get someone easier. Someone like those fun people from that cult of his. Those who held high expectations and were thrilled every time he met them. Who expected bigger and better each time and were never disappointed...

And yet, the thought of Jerome not having Y/n in his life anymore made Jerome feel terrible. No one was as fun as Y/n. As adaptable. Y/n had a softness to his insanity that was very... alluring. He had never woken up to someone comforting him before. He'd never had great sex and then gone to bed with an even better cuddling partner. He'd never had someone who fit everything he wanted and needed. Someone to do anything and everything with. They could kill. They could have sex. They could just sleep. They could make jokes and flip off all of Gotham. They could do anything. It was amazing. Y/n was special. Jerome didn't want anyone else...

Fuck! What was HAPPENING to him?

His arm felt right around Y/n's shoulder. It had become their usual position. Whether Jerome was walking or sitting or laying down. Whether Y/n was next to him or being pulled around by him or being whiny or willing or horny or sleepy or whether the boy was sitting down or tucking into Jerome's side, half asleep and mumbling quietly because he was ranting about something or another. Whether the two boys were talking or silent - they were always connected by that arm.

Jerome tried to do it with someone else. He lounged his arm across one of the other inmates, dramatically monologuing about a vision of the future he had. His other hand moved through the air, fingers spread, as he painted a picture that he wanted the other person to see. It didn't quite fit though. The shoulders were too broad, and Jerome was too tall. Most people brushed his arm off of them, or kept their distance from him in general. Y/n was the only one who liked being by him. The only one who sought out his touch, and missed him when he was gone.

It was becoming a problem. Jerome could always fill a single space with many different possible candidates. That way if one left: no problem. Next person please. Jerome could not, for the life of him, fill Y/n's spot with anyone else.

The problem was that he'd never had a person that took this role in his life before. He'd never had a steady sexual partner or someone who really cared about him. He'd never had someone gentle and sincere who also fulfilled his sexual needs. He'd never had someone who was both sexy and loving. Someone who knew him and didn't mind what they saw. Jerome hadn't put Y/n into a role- the boy had entered into Jerome's life and made his own damn place. Carved an Y/n shaped place just for him to lounge in. Jerome had never seen anyone like him before- how would he find a second someone?

Long story short: he wouldn't.

Eventually he stopped trying. Y/n really was special. Everyone had that one person. The best friend or the boyfriend or the sibling. He'd thought he had Jeremiah but that had quickly been cleared up. If everyone else was allowed to have that special person, so could Jerome.

It was nifty too. Y/n was down to do anything for him.

Anytime he was horny, he didn't have to hide it or go hunting for someone who was down. He could just kiss Y/n and pull him close and he was satisfied every time.

When he was bored, Y/n kept him entertained with people and places that didn't exist. Y/n was very interesting- past just how much he enjoyed Jerome's twisted mind. He also had ideas for little stories he had created a long time ago and characters in those stories that he had drawn. Jerome wanted to see Y/n draw. He wanted to see Y/n draw him. That would be cool.

If Jerome was feeling needy or upset, Y/n was there to comfort him. Jerome didn't even have to say something. He could just lay his head in Y/n's lap and the other boy would play with his hair. He could lounge across Y/n and Y/n would rub his back. Jerome could put his arm around Y/n's shoulder and he would immediately lay his head on Jerome's shoulder or pay attention to the redhead. Y/n was always listening and paying attention, intently, like every word that Jerome ever said was the most interesting thing anyone could ever say.

If Jerome wanted a change, Y/n would cut or style his hair or switch up the conversation or the way they had fallen into sex since the last time Jerome had gotten bored. Y/n seemed to be learning Jerome's very small cues for different things, to the point that Jerome didn't even have say anything for Y/n to respond appropriately and begin fulfilling whatever thing had been bothering Jerome just a second before.

Jerome tested it time and time again, but Y/n never failed to take up the unspoken task and solve the problem with efficiency. Even if it wasn't really a problem, like Y/n's elbow was pressed into Jerome's side. It wasn't painful, just a little uncomfortable. Jerome shifted; Y/n immediately moved his arm into a different position until Jerome stopped being bothered by it. Even if he ended in the same position. Somehow Y/n just seemed to know exactly what the problem was, and then it was gone.

"Why do you do that?" Jerome asked one day.

Y/n had talked one of the guards into getting him books, for good behavior. He was reading it now. He had been reading it alone before, but then Jerome had sat next to him and began to lay down. Before he had even moved more than an inch, Y/n was moving the book out of the way and shifting his legs to where Jerome preferred them. Now the younger boy looked up from his book, as if he hadn't really noticed Jerome at all. "What do you mean?"

Jerome frowned. He didn't know how to word it. "Fix everything." He tilted his head like a child looking at something odd. Jerome often did very childish body movements. His emotional expression was very young-looking... unless he was having sex or murdering someone, but that wasn't the point. "You know when something is bothering me, and then you kind of just... it stops bothering me."

Y/n smiled. "I don't know. I don't really think about it or mean to. It's subconscious." That was a big word. Jerome's eyebrows pushed together and his lips parted to ask a question Y/n was answering before Jerome could get it out. "Kind of like muscle memory. Magicians can do magic tricks without thinking. A painting style becomes habit, and the hand follows the learned path without having to even think about it. Or how people walk and they just do it without real, purposeful thought. The second you start thinking about it, you trip. Like breathing. It just happens. Your body reacts.” He shrugged.

Jerome was still frowning. "And how do you always know what I'm going to say or what I want? Like you can read my mind?"

Y/n giggled. Jerome felt his body relax. That sound. GOD that sound. "I cannot read your mind. I can, however, read your body language. I've always been very good at it actually. I learned from a young age, because a lot of people only wanted to be friends with me because I was rich or famous, or because they wanted some gossip or news about the Wayne son who everyone was deeming a failure from the very first time Bruce was talking. People have always been very easy for me to understand... for the most part. Mostly men. Women get a little tricky, which is probably why I'm gay." He sorted. "I don't like people who are hard to read. Makes em hard to trust."

"And I'm easy to read?"

"The easiest I've ever met, actually. You make your intentions clear, and everything you do means something. You don't hold back or beat around the bush- you express every little thing that bugs you. It's very easy to understand what is bothering you. Like when you didn't know what subconscious meant. Your frown got a little deeper and you turned your head just a little. I figured you didn't know what it meant, because there's really no other reason to be so confused by that word."

Interesting. "Do you do this for everyone?"

Y/n was quiet for a while. It made Jerome a little nervous, which didn't make sense. Jerome was never nervous. Jerome was also absolutely never this curious about anyone. He didn't ever care this much. Why did he feel this way for Y/n? Why did he... care for the other boy? Why did he care at all, when he lived a life where he ruled the world by not caring, especially for other people? "No." Y/n answered the question Jerome had forgotten he'd asked, knocking the redhead out of his thoughts. "You’re special."

Jerome looked away. He didn't say anything to that.

After a while, Y/n returned to his book and with his time back to himself, Jerome let his lips turn into a small smile.

He was Y/n's special person too.

-

Gonna be real with you: Y/n and Jerome were getting far too comfortable being gay in public.

It was less of a problem being in Arkham, where there were few people that weren't either afraid of or loyal in some way to Jerome. The redhead had used every free moment to win the favor of person after person, and now he practically ran the place. This was his turf. It didn't stop brave people from sometimes stepping up, or saying something, or guards being nasty every once in a while. No one would touch Jerome, but the same could not be said about Y/n, especially when Jerome wasn't around.

The two boys had spent the day cuddled up, with Y/n leaning against the wall, Jerome perched between his legs and Jerome's back pressed to Y/n's chest. Y/n had rested his arms around Jerome's shoulders, his clasped hands on Jerome's chest. Jerome had his elbows propped up on Y/n's knees. He was talking to one of the other inmates, telling a story about how much he missed killing and creating havoc.

Leaning forward, Y/n pressed a quick kiss to Jerome's shoulder before shifting to stand. Jerome leaned off of him with a begrudging sigh, making Y/n chuckle. The Wayne boy stood, stretching out his limbs a little bit. He did this every once in a while, walking around the room and profiling people, or just looking at the blank wall and looking at the pattern of the dots and making little pictures with them as if they were stars in the sky lining up to make constellations. Halfway through his lap around the room, Jerome finally stopped checking on him and Y/n was oblivious, completely relaxed. At least until a hand grabbed his shoulder, ripping him out of the room and into the hallway. He gasped, suddenly thrown into a situation that had totally taken him off guard, which didn't allow him to speak before there was a strong hand gripping his shoulder and a gun barrel pointed at his face.

"Quiet now," said the person in front of him. Y/n swallowed. At first he wasn't too scared, since it was a guard in front of him, but then he saw the look in the man's eyes. A look he had seen before. A look he knew belonged to those who hated people like him. Men who liked men; women who liked women. The man tugged Y/n forward before sliding behind him, now guiding him with a push instead of having to walk backwards. The gun rested threateningly against the back of his head. Y/n closed his eyes. How ironic was it that after all this time, it wasn't the criminally insane people locked up that were the bad guys- it was the people who were supposed to be in charge of them? One of the "sane", "good" people who were part of the community and trusted by everyone. The law keepers.

"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?" Y/n asked quietly, more to himself than to be heard.

The guard shoved him into a side room. The pair had passed several other guards, but none had even looked over despite the obvious sign of danger Y/n was in. Once again, the law had failed Y/n. Every second that passed was yet another second that Y/n hated human beings and this cursed city more and more. The world in general. Why did people like this deserve to live? Long story short: they didn't.

Once they were alone, the door closed, the guard smiled. "You and that psycho waltz around this place like you own it. You got a cell together and pretend we can't hear you both fucking like rabbits." The guard made a look of complete disgust.

Y/n sighed. "You call him a psycho, but he's not the one with a gun pointed to another person who's done nothing wrong to him."

"This is a jail," the guard spat. "And you're insane. He's a murderer, and you're with him like it's not wrong. It would be bad enough for a chick to be with that maniac, but you? Don't you have any respect for yourself? For your family?"

Y/n's expression turned dark. "My parents know I'm gay. They don't care."

Something hard smacked against the side of Y/n's face, and he was immediately dizzy and on the ground. "They KNEW," the guard seethed. "They're dead now, aren't they?" He snorted. "I bet they hired someone to kill them. They must have been so ashamed of you. And they're lucky too. Poor parents having to watch their son be locked up in a place like this, and acting like you are now with a person like that."

Y/n spit blood and then grinned, giggling softly. "Now are you mad that I'm fucking a murder, or are you mad that I'm fucking a man?" A foot planted in Y/n's gut, causing the boy on the ground to grunt. The guard went to speak, but Y/n forced himself to suck in a breath and continued instead. "Do you feel justified in beating me up because I'm gay?" He asked weakly. "You're a grown man- I'm a teenager. You're taller and stronger and more experienced than me. You even have your gun out. Are you so scared of me that you can't just face me hand to hand at the very least? You think that I'm gonna take you down?" Y/n looked up, still grinning even as his body began to ache. This he had gotten directly from Jerome. Enjoying the pain. Reveling in the look of fear and disgust on the guard's face. The way it made the older man so nervous to look at the face of such a young boy covered in blood as he lay curled up on the ground, but remained smiling nevertheless. "Big bad man is gonna put an end to the homos one prick at a time, huh?"

The guard kneeled down, gripping the front of Y/n's shirt and bringing their faces close together. "Shut. Up."

"Or what?" Y/n pressed. The guard was shaking now. "You're gonna kill me?" Y/n busted up laughing, spraying a little bit of blood onto the guard's face. The man shoved Y/n away, groaning as he stood, wiping off the red liquid hurriedly. "You should," Y/n finalized. "Jerome is going to destroy you if he ever finds out this happened. Maybe not while we're in here. But ater, when we get out. Because we will get out one day. One day you're gonna think you're finally safe, and that's when we'll come for you."

The guard looked genuinely afraid for a second. Then he was kneeling down again, pinning Y/n by sitting on top of him. Y/n immediately felt crushed. He couldn't breathe or move, and it filled him with fear. That pure terror that Y/n was becoming a little too familiar with. Maybe he was a little crazier than he'd thought. Maybe it wasn't just Jerome's influence anymore. Because, when he felt that fear, Y/n smiled even wider. It excited him. It riled him up. He saw the guard pull his fist back and he closed his eyes, ready for the impact before the man had even drawn his fist forward to make contact with Y/n's nose.

The first hit finally came. Then the second. The third. It went on for a while before Y/n's smile fell off and he groaned. The whole world was spinning and he blinked, trying to orient himself. The guard finally stopped, standing, only to continue again with kicking instead. Each blow hit a different part of Y/n's body. Chest. Stomach. Arm. The guard stomped on Y/n's hand and the young boy screamed as his hand light on fire with agony.

In the distance, the door opened. "Stop!" Someone yelled. "That's enough! You're going to kill him."

"So what?"

Someone slapped someone else. "Listen to yourself! He's not even a real criminal. He's a boy and he's in here because he got caught up with the real bad guy. Even if he is guilty for something terrible like they're thinking, or he's capable of doing something terrible, you're just as bad as he is for acting like this."

"You didn't do much to stop me before."

A pause. "Fuck off, Jameson. I have to make sure he doesn't die now." Another pause. "GET OUT! Someone's coming to visit him later and he needs to not be dead." There was a sudden drop in the air. Ah yes, fear. They were feeling it now. Fear of getting caught. Fear of paying for the shitty things THEY did. Fear of losing respect or their job at the very least. Fear of the repercussions of the Waynes coming after him for hurting one of their own.

If Y/n could be considered that anymore.

Footsteps. The guard left. Y/n finally opened his eyes and then immediately groaned and closed them again. Someone kneeled down, reaching out to touch him gently. He flinched away. "I know, but you're safe now. Well-" A sigh. "As safe as you can be. I'm going to help you a bit here, okay?" Y/n groaned. The person sighed again. "Take your time, until you can sit up. I need to make sure nothing's broken.

"Why?" Y/n demanded. It was a little muffled. A little slurred. His jaw hurt, especially when he tried to talk.

The other person seemed to consider that for a moment. "I can't stop guards from being assholes, but I can stop them from being murderers. I at least have that authority here. Couldn't stop it from happening, but I could help with the aftermath."

Y/n scoffed, causing him to have a headache. "What so now you're a good person?" He finally opened his eyes to see a woman. The world had stopped spinning and she frowned down at him, her head tilting. She looked sad. "Who are you?"

"I'm the therapist around here," she said with a heavy tone.

Y/n giggled then flinched. "What's your name, Doc?"

She smiled a little, weakly, lifted up a bit by Y/n's casual, light mood. "My name is Harleen Quinzel. You can call me Dr. Q if you want."

"Harleen," Y/n tried out. "Doc HQ." He gave short, soft chuckles and she smiled a little wider, taking the time to analyze his actions and state of being as best she could. He seemed fine for the most part, if a little cheery. His smile was very contagious. She liked it. "Do you have any fun nicknames?"

"How about you sit up really fast and then we can get to know each other, hm?" With her help, Y/n did sit up. She looked around before going into a cabinet, bringing back a first aid kit box. She opened it, taking out some things here and there. "Now I'm not great at this- I studied mental health, not physical. But I did learn a thing or two when I learned I was coming here. And then some more after I saw just how bad things are here." She pulled Y/n's arm into her lap as she began cleaning up the smeared blood here and there. "This might hurt a little bit, okay?" Y/n nodded. She moved to Y/n's face and he hissed, flinching away. "Don't move," she scolded.

Y/n sighed. "I hope you're not doing this because you want sex or something. I'm-"

"Gay," she finished, nodding. "No, it's nothing like that. You're the most decent person in here, though, and it's nice to see someone like me being so confident and chill."

Y/n started, his eyebrows coming together in confusion. "Like you?"

She smiled shyly. "I mean, I understand how you feel. I don't like men the same way you don't like woman." Y/n's eyes widened. She laughed at his expression. "What, you don't think you're the only person around here who's different from everyone else, huh?" He relaxed, smiling softly. "You can't tell anyone though, okay? I mean anyone. Not even that redhead friends of yours. I can't have anyone finding out. I could lose my job, or end up like you just now, and I can't take a hit as well as you can." She immediately frowned. "Not that I like the idea that you can take a hit. You've probably had to get used to that."

Y/n shrugged. "Not really. I'm just durable." She nodded then went quiet. Y/n suddenly had a lot of questions. "So, only girls?" She nodded, focusing on cleaning him up still. "Huh. Cool." He held his fist up and she paused before grinning and fist bumping it. "Solidarity."

And so a friendship was made.

She did her best to clean him up and then bandage some cuts and wrap his hand, which she determined was pretty messed up though not broken as Y/n was able to move his fingers. She also wrapped up an especially dark, tender spot on his arm to offer some buffer incase it came in contact with anything else, like a wall or Jerome. Then they both stood - slowly, as Y/n was immediately sick to his stomach as he got to his feet - and left the room. Harleen kept his arm around her shoulders and kept her eyes down as she passed other people. Y/n left his hand over his ribs, only allowing himself a few steps before pushing away from his new friend to show strength by walking on his own. As if reading his mind, she let him the second he moved away from her. The second they were around a corner with no guards in sight, Harleen was immediately there to make sure he was okay.

The pair ended up in a new section of the building Y/n hadn't seen before now. They went through a ton of check points, Y/n moving to stand on his own again as he limped next to Harleen. The pair were surrounded by guards as she got him through check mark after check mark until they ended up in a large room that had the same grey, bare walls as everywhere else, except that it was cut in half by a large slab of plastic. There were chair on either side of the glass, each lining up with little slabs that acted like a desk of sort, and a phone. It was the visiting room. Y/n had seen some rendition of it on TV before plenty of times.

He looked for the occupied booth that he was meant to be visited at. He didn't know who he was expecting, but when he saw Alfred he was surprised. Maybe he shouldn't have been shocked; it just seemed odd that it was Alfred, alone. It would have made more sense if it was Bruce, Alfred in the back to accompany him. That wouldn't have made much more sense though. Why would Bruce be visiting him? Why was Alfred?

Y/n finally picked up the phone as Alfred did. There was a moment of silence as Alfred took in Y/n's poor condition. He seemed torn between anger and worry. Despite everything, Alfred was still Y/n's caretaker before anything else. Even though there also seemed to be a little bit of relief in Alfred's gaze. Y/n wondered if it was because Y/n looked like Bruce that Alfred was worried. If it was that Y/n wasn't Bruce, even though he looked like him, that Alfred was relieved. "Hi," Y/n greeted shortly.

"Hello," Alfred said back. His voice was tight. He seemed awkward. "Master Bruce wanted to be here but-"

"He actually didn't?" Y/n interrupted.

Alfred's expression grew dark. "He was kidnapped."

Y/n paled. The calm and chaos he’d been holding onto and honing into mania suddenly shattered and he felt like the same kid who Alfred had to tell his parents had died. Like the last four years hadn’t happened at all. "What?"

#wayne reader #gotham #joker #cameron monaghan #valeska twins #jerome valeska #jerome x reader #jeroem valeska x reader #joker x reader #gotham x reader #gotham imagine #joker imagine #cameron monaghan x reader #cameron monaghan imagine #male reader #jerome velaska #valeska twins x reader #valeska twins imagine

[ariddletobesolved]

Days We Spend Under the Sun (Ten - End)

Written for @helsa-summer-event ❤

Fandom: Frozen

Genre: Romance, Family, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Whump

Rating: T

Summary: Summer is not her favourite season, but a certain Admiral from the neighbouring kingdom is going to change that.

Brace yourself for a long arse chapter, and maybe a little cheesy (idk). This is the last chapter of this AU (feeling emotional already, lmao). Sorry it took a while, I've been dealing with several things, but here I am. I won't write too much notes, as I've prepared another post just for that. Thanks for reading and supporting this AU. Enjoy!

Prompt 7: Free

—

Chapter Ten

"I don't know if I can do this."

Hans sighed as he put down the small box on the wooden table, pushing it closer to the queen's direction.

From her seat behind the desk, Anna gave him a look. She raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Would you care to elaborate?"

The former prince pinched the bridge of his nose, before turning to face the queen.

"I don't think she'll say yes." He replied, his hands clasped behind his back as he stood up straight. "We haven't been courting for that long, and the past we shared—"

"Yes, yes, I'm aware." Anna calmly interjected. Her hands were in her lap, eyes darting from the box towards him. "But you seemed so eager and determined a week ago, what changes?"

His jaw clenched, for the vivid memory of his dream last night came crashing at him, flooding his senses. It had been two months since the last time the nightmare occurred, about him, standing in the pool of blood on the slowly melting fjord, gazing at a pair of dull blue eyes that stared back at him. Elsa was dead, and he would become king like he wanted. The ice beneath him thawed, and he fell into the cold water. That was when he woke up, gasping for air, only to see Elsa, alive and murmuring sweet nothings to his ear. Realising that it was all just a dream, he pulled Elsa into his embrace, muttering how sorry he was.

It was a vision of what could've been, had he succeeded in ending the Eternal Winter by going for the source of magic. Even after years of punishment and redemption, the guilt was still there, eating him alive. Had it not been for Elsa's comfort, Hans wouldn't have known how to keep going.

"Hans?"

"I was a monster." He gulped. "Maybe I still am, knowing that some people still don't trust me. And for that, I know I'm not worthy of your sister's love, or anyone else's."

"You were." Anna grabbed the small box and a roll of parchment, then getting up from her chair. "Hans, you'd wronged me. I won't sugarcoat it. You left me to die in that room, you deceived me, and you were out to kill my sister. I admit, I took great pleasure when I punched you in the face."

The whole time, Hans didn't even flinch. He knew what he had done wrong, he was aware of that, and he would forever regret it.

"So I've noticed, even after all those dark months, some people still refused to look you in the eye, not wanting to acknowledge you as a person." She walked over and stopped before the tall redhead. "I did that too when you first came here after years. Elsa was the one insisting to lock you up, but I didn't see the point. There was something different about you."

When a roll of parchment was offered to him, Hans frowned. "Why are you doing this, Anna?"

"As much as I'm doing this for Elsa, I also believe you're not the same person who came to Arendelle with an ambition to become king." Anna spoke, her gaze showed kindness. "I can see that now, and it's not only because you won us war.

"That Prince Hans of The Southern Isles, who had a miserable childhood, dying to prove himself to his father and twelve older brothers, who attempted to marry into the throne to become king and was willing to commit a murder to fulfil such an ambition, was a failure. He wasn't born evil, yet he had failed to stop himself from being blinded by ambitions, and his tragic past doesn't excuse what he did." She paused, thrusting the roll onto his grasp. "But the man standing before me right now is not him. I trust you understand what I mean, Vice Admiral." Anna smiled as she mentioned his new title.

There was a beat, before Hans asked in disbelief, "They approved?" He unrolled it and began to read its content, green eyes were scanning the words over and over again. 

"It was a long discussion with Captain Larsson, but apparently, some people already accept you as one of us, even Admiral Goran." She was relieved and worried at the same time. She knew Hans doubted himself, at least she had heard Elsa mentioned it to her a couple of times, but she also knew that the two of them—Elsa and Hans were madly in love with each other. All they needed was a little push. 

"Hans," Anna called, and immediately, his attention was on her.

"Thank you so much! I don't know what to say, this is," Hans beamed, "does Elsa know?"

"Not yet." The strawberry blonde smiled. "I figured you'll be the one telling her, as planned."

Realisation began to sink in and he pressed his lips in a tight line. "Right."

"You're doubting yourself, aren't you?" The queen studied him closely. "I see how you look at my sister, and how she looks back at you. I know Elsa, and I've never seen her being this happy—different kind of happy. You might not notice it, but she is glowing whenever she is with you. She cares about you, and I know you care about her, a lot, I may add."

"Do you really think so?"

Anna rolled her eyes in a playful manner. "I know so!" She pressed the small box gently on his hand, and gave him a little push. "Now go and propose to my sister. You already have my blessing, and that means you have one less thing to worry about."

The gesture from his, hopefully, future sister in law brought a smile on his face. Hans glanced at her, feeling grateful for her kindness. He firmly held the box in his right hand. The queen was no longer that naive little princess, who would marry a man she just met because she was desperate for love. She had grown into a compassionate and caring Queen of Arendelle, whose prosperous reign was equal to her predecessor, her sister. Whether it was motherhood or her kind nature, he didn't know.

"Thank you, Anna." Hans didn't know if hugging the queen was the best move, so he went to shake her hand. But Anna, sensing his hesitation, pulled him in a quick hug.

"No, thank Elsa." She said, holding him by his shoulders. "I might be the one who opened the door, but she was the one who let you in."

The former prince nodded. The sisters' kindness was obviously contagious, and it was a part of several reasons why he wanted to change for the better.

"But," Anna said, her tone turned dramatically, "if you hurt my sister, I won't hesitate to punch you in the face, again, and I'll make sure that your nose wouldn't be the only thing that's broken." 

Hans gulped. Of course he knew better than causing the Snow Queen any pain. He nodded.

"Now, go!" Anna smiled, pushing him towards the door. "You have a date to attend. Also, it's a perfect place for a date in this castle, so might as well, not spoil it."

"Okay, okay."

"Oh, and Hans?" Just when he was about to close the door, she added, "welcome to the family."

—

Hans couldn't stop smiling. A sudden surge of confidence boosted through him, as he made his way towards Elsa's room. With a ring in his pocket, a bouquet of her favourite flowers and a new dress for her in his grasp, he began to think of how their day would proceed. If Anna was right, and Elsa said yes, Hans would be the luckiest man alive, he knew that for sure. Standing before the wooden door, he composed himself. As he turned the bronze handle, he heard voices talking.

"Oh, I don't know what he is planning, but I heard him talking to Anna about dresses and flowers." It was Olaf. "I hope he is not planning something bad."

Hans was frozen on the spot. Did the snowman think that he had a bad intention towards Elsa? He knew Olaf was probably not making any sense, but it was enough to make him think of the worst.

Elsa chuckled. "Olaf, why would he plan something bad with dresses and flowers? It sounds like something romantic, but I can be wrong."

It was a relief, but gone was the confidence he brought along as the next question came up.

"You said he had a nightmare, Elsa, what was that about?"

There was a silence, thick and hostile, from where he was standing. Doubts began to cloud his mind, as he wondered what she might be thinking. Not wanting to wait any longer, he pushed the door open. 

Her beautiful smile was the first thing that greeted him. Still dressed in her nightgown, Elsa looked radiant, as she sat on the bed with a breakfast tray in her lap. Olaf beamed and waved at him.

"I wish they would allow me to join you for breakfast, since I'm feeling much better now." Elsa sighed when she saw him walk over. "What do you have there?"

Hans flashed her a smile, settling the neatly folded dress over the chair nearby and put the flowers in her grasp, before leaning in to kiss her lips.

"Presents." He let out, sitting on the bed next to her.

Olaf nudged her, "See? I told you!" The snowman then collected her tray, before getting back on his feet. "I think I'll leave you both to it. See you later!"

Once the bedroom door was closed, Hans put his hand on her thigh and squeezed it lightly. At the gesture, she let out a giggle, before shoving his hand off. "Hans, no!" She smiled gently, cradling the bouquet close to her chest. "Thank you." Fondly, Elsa admired the bouquet, inhaling the familiar scent. "It's lovely."

"I'm actually planning something for the both of us." He stated, tucking her loose blonde strands behind her ear.

Eagerly, her blue eyes widened with interest. "Really, what is it? Are we going to go sailing?"

Sailing was his previous plan, indeed, but since Elsa was only recovering from her fever, Hans decided that they should stay in. He didn't wish to cause her any more harm than he already did, although the rising temperature wasn't exactly his doing. Besides, if Elsa said yes to a lifetime with him, it means that they would sail forever in holy matrimony.

"You'll see," was all his reply.

—

Moments later, Elsa and Hans were standing on the balcony at the back of the castle, facing the perfect view of the open sea. Anna was right, Hans thought, it was a perfect place for a date. A table for two was set up, with cakes, a teapot, two cups, and some boxes of chocolate were served on the table. A bouquet of heathers was placed in the middle.

Elsa could recall how many times she would go there in between meetings when she was queen, just to allow herself to think. She loved the view, the blueness of the ocean, and the gentle caress of the wind, they offered her comfort. It was rather quiet, even during the day, but at least she wasn't alone this time.

Hans held her close from behind, one hand was holding the railing, and the other was around her torso. His mind wandered back to the conversation he had with Anna. He would never forget her generosity in giving him the chance to prove himself that he was capable of growth—the chance not everyone would grant him. She allowed him to stay in Arendelle, to serve in the navy, so he could be close to the love of his life, despite the dark past they shared. Then he began to think of Elsa's silence when the topic about his nightmare was brought up.

"You're quiet." Elsa stirred in his embrace and turned to face him. "What are you thinking about?"

"Things." He said, before letting out a sigh. "I'm sorry, Elsa, I shouldn't have ruined it for you. We can have some tea and chocolates."

Hans was about to move to the table, when Elsa stopped him. "You didn't ruin anything at all. I was only wondering why you were quiet." She paused, eyes were never leaving his. "Would you like to talk about what's troubling you?"

"What makes you think it's troubling me?" It was a little defensive on his part.

Elsa frowned. "Your reaction right now is what." She blinked. "Is it your nightmare?"

She wondered what made him act so defensive. The past few days, Elsa noticed how he had been acting strange, and she was under the impression that he was hiding something, but what? That couldn't have had anything to do with the recurring nightmare, could it?

"Hans?"

Ignoring her, the redhead let go of her hand, before turning around. He pulled out a box from his pocket, admiring the diamond ring inside. Oh, how he wished everything was easier for him.

"You've been hiding something." It was loud and clear in his ear. "What is it?"

"Nothing." He muttered, still with his back facing her. Putting the box back into his pocket, Hans looked back.

Thoughts were running through her head, and some of them weren't pretty. "Are you doubting us?" 

"It's not that." Hans shook his head. The frown on his face deepened.

Elsa, growing frustrated as the second passed, looked away. Her cheeks were flushing as anger began to build up. "I can't believe you don't even trust me, especially with whatever it is you're hiding."

"It's not that simple, Elsa." He took a deep breath, rubbing his face in an equal frustration. "You don't understand."

"Then make me!" Elsa pressed, taking a step closer. 

Her fingertips were cold, as she tried to contain her powers from exploding. She breathed heavily, the storm in her chest was raging, but there was something in his emerald eyes—remorseful and sincere—as she held his gaze. Closing her eyes, Elsa tried to calm her mind. Anger was never a solution, and one of them should hold their ground if they wanted to carry on with the conversation. Perhaps what he needed was comfort.

"Hans," The former queen called, after another minute passed with silence. She looked up, staring at him with her blue eyes, while holding one hand out. "Come here."

When Hans took her hand, Elsa immediately pulled him into an embrace. She wounded her arms around his torso, resting her cheek against his shoulder. Gently, he returned the gesture and pressed a kiss on her temple. Nothing could top the feeling of holding each other close, getting lost in the comfort.

Closing his eyes, Hans breathed in her scent. Maybe asking her wouldn't hurt, he thought, and he shouldn't be selfish if he wanted to take their relationship one step ahead. And with a determination, he let out, "Kaere."

A beat.

"Yes?"

He took a deep breath, still holding her hand. "I need to tell you something."

Taking one step back, his knee bended slightly, and Elsa tried to stifle a gasp. Is he going to propose? She thought, is this what he has been hiding from me? Her pulse quickened, anticipating what was about to come. Elsa didn't see that coming, but for some reason, she was glad.

The former queen was no fool, and she frowned when she saw him stand up straight. She put two and two together, and realised that he had been doubting his own self. She knew about his nightmare, and how remorseful he had been. To see him looking unsure brought a pang on her chest. She couldn't wait any longer.

"Marry me." Elsa blurted out.

Stunned. Her words got him frozen on the spot. Hans stood there, dumbfounded. Marry me. Those words echoed in his mind, and he had to blink to make sure that he wasn't dreaming. Did she just—

"Hans?" She whispered, taking a step closer to cradle his head. "Are you—

But before she could continue, Hans captured her lips with his. Gone was the hesitation, the doubts that had been haunting him, as he got lost in the passion. Her lips were firmly pressed against his, as if she tried to give him a proper reassurance. He held her close by the waist, as he deepened the kiss, savouring the taste of her tongue, before they pulled away.

"Is that a yes?" She asked breathlessly, smiling ear to ear, pressing her forehead against his.

"Kaere," Hans couldn't contain the joy. He let go of her waist, and held her hand. With a surge of confidence, he got down on one knee. "Allow me to do it properly."

He pulled out the small diamond ring and held it up. 

"Elsa," he began, "I know I'm not worthy of your love," seeing the look of disapproval on her face, Hans gave her hand a gentle tug, "hear me out, please?"

"Okay." Her heart swelled inside her ribcage, and warmth overflowing in her body. She nodded.

"I know I'm not worthy of your love," he repeated, "forgiveness, even a second chance. What I've done in the past is unforgivable, and I'm accepting that.

"But you, Elsa, you have given me the chance to get to know you, and I'm grateful for that. Anna, Kristoff, Olaf, and you are the kindest people I know. You have shown me kindness, and for that, I'm forever grateful. I love you, min Kaere, and nothing will ever change that. I've never felt this way before, and you don't know how hard it was to deny it. Because loving you feels so right, but also wrong at the same time. Our union is frowned upon because of our past, but we've proved them wrong."

"Hans," she gasped. Her eyes were glassy with tears at his confession.

"I have nothing grand to offer, and I may be pushing my luck, but," he paused, looking at her with sincerity, "Elisabeth," he gently said, taking her by surprise at her given name. "Will you marry me?"

Her vision got blurry with tears as she stood there. It was too much for her, the love and joy that she felt was overwhelming, but in a good way.

"Yes." She nodded furiously. "God, yes!"

He slid the ring on her finger, and got up to pull her into his arms. He spun her around, burying his face in the crook of her neck. There were sparks in his chest when he heard her giggles, and realisation began to sink in. They're engaged.

"I love you." He put her down, so they were standing face to face. One hand cradled her head, with his thumb rubbing her cheek gently. "I love you so much."

Elsa smiled, giving into his touch. "And I love you too, so very much." She covered his hand with hers, as she pressed a gentle kiss on the heel of his palm. "Don't ever doubt yourself, okay? You are worthy."

Hans nodded slowly. "Forgive me."

"It's okay." Elsa nuzzled his nose. "There's nothing to forgive."

"There's also another thing." He began.

Elsa tilted her head with interest. "Yes?"

"I'm staying." Hans smiled. "This time for good."

"Hans, what?" With her mouth agape, she gazed into his emerald eyes, searching for any hint of mischief, and when she couldn't find any, she blinked. "I don't understand."

He led her to a chair nearby, and helped her sit, before seating himself next to her. Taking her hand in his, Hans pressed his lips over the knuckles.

"So, I might have asked Anna a favour just about last week. I was applying for a vacant spot in the Arendellian Navy."

It did not take her long to guess. "The Vice Admiral?"

The redhead nodded. "Yes."

"And you got it?" This time, she was smiling.

"I did."

Elsa didn't know what to say. The news was another thing she didn't expect to hear, and it seemed as if her day couldn't get any better.

"It's," the former queen paused, "wonderful! I'm so happy for you, truly."

She cupped his face and showered him with kisses, from his forehead to his temple, then his nose, and down to his lips. Wrapping her arms around his neck, Elsa settled on his lap. She nuzzled the crook of his neck as he held her close.

"I'm so glad to have you home, Hans." She murmured.

"Home?"

Elsa nodded, looking up to him, fondly. "You're here now with me. We are home."

Home. He liked the ring of it. Elsa had been his safe haven, and then she was his home. In the end, things were working out just fine, and they were both alright.

"Thank you, Elsa."

"Hmm?" She eyed the new accessory on her ring finger with a smile, before darting her attention back to him. "For what?"

Hans felt his heart swell. He pressed another kiss on her temple. "For letting me in, and giving me a second chance." And he would be forever grateful for that.

Quietly, Elsa settled back in his embrace. Her blue eyes were gazing far ahead at the open sea. Once in a while, she stole glances at the symbol of their union, and she realised that the past few days they spent under the sun were leading up to that very moment. How their story went as the time passed, she would treasure that, and despite the rocky path they had to take to get there, Elsa regretted nothing.

Suddenly the future didn't seem to be uncertain. Hans is staying, and we're getting married, Elsa told herself. That steadiness, something to hold onto, was all she needed. And forever with him, she couldn't wait to spend.

END.

#helsa #days we spend under the sun #elsa x hans #hans x elsa #iceburns #helsa fanfiction #mary's writing #helsa summer event #helsasummerevent2020 #helsasummerevent

[wrightiverse]

Hello and this is me annotating/doing director's commentary for the last chapter of Crowd as a victory lap. There's no indulgence like self-indulgence.

“I’ll just make my hot young boyfriend help me,” Robin teases. “When I’m eighty, you’ll only be sixty-nine.”

I love to take a thing from the beginning of a story/scene and revisit it at the end. In this case, 'hot young boyfriend' is a light callback to 'sexy-ass, significantly younger boyfriend' back at the beginning when Robin was sad about the empty nest situation. This is, I think, the first time we specify their exact age gap. It is also the exact age gap I have with my own partner, because I’m very lazy like that. (None of this was written with any reference to what's gone on in the podcast over the last year or so, which is good because it sounds like the whole aging thing for Glenn could have gotten really confusing. Wrightiverse Glenn came back right after Ravenloft, none of that other stuff happened to him. It's all good. Canon is optional.) * * * * *

It’s not like the men in his family have much luck in that area, anyway; Glenn never met either of his grandfathers, and Bill didn’t make it much past fifty.

I think Meryl actually lived for hundreds of years and is still alive in Faerun and they should totally meet, but Glenn doesn’t know all that. * * * * *

Aesthetics aside, it didn't seem like there was much for Glenn to look forward to in middle age and beyond. Nick would grow up and wouldn’t need his dad anymore, and Glenn would be all alone.

From Glenn’s second chapter in Crowd, when Robin is sad about Connor leaving for college:

“I want him to be independent,” Robin is trying to explain into Glenn’s knee, “but also I don’t want to be all alone.” Glenn flicks his ear reproachfully. “You're not all alone. I’m right here, dumbass.”

Sometimes what seems obvious when we're explaining it to somebody else doesn't feel as obvious when it's our turn. Admittedly, Glenn is coming to this with a different set of experiences than Robin is. More on that later. * * * * *

His career would go to shit, because getting old only works for rock stars if they’re actually bluesmen in disguise, like Keith Richards.

I think I got this theory from something Chuck Klosterman wrote, probably Fargo Rock City. * * * * *

He starts his grounding exercise without even thinking about it. Five things he can see: one, an information sign for the city park. Two, a freshly-painted bike rack. Three, some big public art sculpture that looks like a giant rusty hairbrush…

This particular grounding exercise came up earlier in Crowd. I didn't make it up for the story, it's real and many people find that it works well. Feel free to try it! The exercise he alludes to when they’re on the beach, creating ‘safe spaces’ out of vivid memories with lots of sensory details, is also based on a real thing. Lauren, his therapist, is named after the therapist who worked with me on my own PTSD and taught me that and a lot of other good stuff. At least based on my own experience, I can highly recommend EMDR if you can find a good practitioner. * * * * *

It was a hella sweet gesture from the kid.

Connor’s introduction in Name has to do with him carrying shirts past Glenn, and one of those shirts becomes important later to Robin. Given how big the GC3 actually seems to be, I don’t think Connor did the majority of their merch. I assume they used a regular printer and Connor just did small runs of fun custom stuff when he feels like it, meaning not much changed after Glenn quit. * * * * *

Of course, Robin is the only member of the family wearing the shirt right now, because Robin is the only one who doesn’t care that it isn’t cool to wear merch from the gig at the gig itself.

I have no idea how widespread the ‘no wearing merch from the gig at the gig’ thing is, but that’s the rule I learned. * * * * *

Robin is chatting away about something, but it’s hard to follow with all the noise and distraction around them. Glenn decides to let it ride, and allows himself to zone out and just watch Robin talk.

As requested by my brilliant co-author, this is a callback to when Robin spaces out watching Glenn talk on their first date. Both Robin and Glenn are consistently very prone to tuning out when the other one is talking, but neither of them particularly care. As Glenn says on their dinner date - sometimes a man just wants to think out loud for a while and get a ‘hell yeah’ in response. * * * * *

It's vastly unfair that Robin looks so good in direct sunlight, but he probably pulls it off because he's the one person in Los Angeles who isn't trying to look younger than he actually is.

Glenn should spend less time in WeHo. * * * * *

There’s already more gray in Robin’s hair than when they met, although Glenn will only accept partial blame for that. Either way, the old man’s on track to be a full-on silver fox before he even hits fifty.

It felt necessary to drop a reminder that despite how Glenn talks about him, Robin is not actually that damn old. I mean, I'm sure that sounds very old to some of you, but when you're in your mid-to-late 30s like Glenn, somebody in their late 40s is not unreasonably decrepit. I think it has more to do with their respective energies than actual birthdays. * * * * *

“What is it?” Robin has noticed Glenn’s gaze, and he touches his own face to check if there's something on it.

Glenn grins. "Nothing, just ogling."

This is another callback to their first date:

“Do I have something on my face?” Glenn asks, and rubs at his mouth.

“No, you’re good.” Robin says. “You’re great.”

Because I adore a full-circle moment, that's why. * * * * *

“Your eyes were intense," Robin laughs. "It looked like you were going to start growling redrum at me."

This is my own fault for saying in the last chapter that Glenn was rambling about Kubrick moon landing conspiracies when he comes back from his walk. I tried like seven different ways to get them on the subject. I still don’t know if it feels natural. * * * * *

Glenn stabs an accusatory finger toward Robin. “Did you suggest not doing the show because you knew I’d argue with you and talk myself into doing it?”

Can’t outro this story without at least a little argayment.

Glenn usually finds him in the bathroom at the end of the night, looking grumpy about being up past his bedtime and holding some girl’s hair back while she barfs.

With what we've learned about Robin over the course of Crowd, we now have the context to understand that for Robin, this drunk girl is very much the ghost of Christmas Past. I don't imagine he goes to many of these parties.

* * * * *

It doesn’t bother Glenn a bit. Life isn’t a movie, the cheerleader doesn’t have to put on leather pants and start smoking in order to get her bad boy and her happily ever after.

I know that there’s more going on in Grease than that, but consider: would Glenn know that?

* * * * *

He and Robin are very different people, and they always will be. They don’t make sense on the surface, but they both know who they are, and who they are fits together perfectly.

Circling back to Robin at the end of Name, expressing his anxieties:

Robin rests his forehead on the steering wheel, avoiding Glenn’s eyes. “Like I don’t make sense for you, and everybody can see it.”

Some of the circles that I closed in Crowd were ones that were opened in Crowd, but some went back further. * * * * *

Love bubbles up in Glenn like a shaken-up soda, and he finds himself standing up suddenly and grabbing Robin’s shirt collar to tug him down for a kiss.

I wanted to mirror the ‘Hot Dad surges forward to kiss him, hard’ thing from the beginning, but given the established height difference, Glenn can’t just go for it unannounced unless he’s gonna stand tippy-toe. Thank you @whotaughtyougrammar for this art of what happens when Glenn tries the collar-tug and Robin doesn't notice fast enough.

* * * * *

Robin is caught off guard and stumbles half a step back, managing at the last second not to drop his drink. “One second, sweetheart, just one second. You surprised me. What was that about?”

Glenn gives him a lopsided grin. “Luck?”

“Oh, well, then. For luck.”

Luck and how to change it is a big theme throughout the whole series, both in the sense of ‘good fortune/unearned blessings’ and ‘random, unforeseen chance.’ More later about that. * * * * *

When Glenn presses his tongue forward to slip between Robin’s lips, he tastes lemon and sugar.

Same as the first time they kissed, when he’d been drinking whiskey sours.

* * * * *

“Right, yeah,” Robin breathes, but he doesn’t let Glenn out of his arms quite yet. “You know,” Robin adds, “Nick was telling me earlier that he’s going to sleep over at Grant’s tonight.”

So I'll be there when you arrive / The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive / And when you take me in your arms / And hold me tight / I know it's gonna mean so much tonight * * * * *

She’d found him there, and she'd saved him, like she always did.

We didn’t know Morgan’s name when we first wrote the scene where they discussed her in Name, so we wrote around it as though Glenn was reluctant to name her out loud. We maintained this throughout the rest of Crowd except for the line where Glenn says that he’ll tell Robin about the phone call with Morgan. Felt right. Her presence is very much felt but Glenn, at least, is not in the habit of talking about her unless he has no other option. * * * * *

They ran out of the venue and down the street, hand in hand and giggling like kids playing hooky.

@shrack was the one who began writing our Glenn with very physical methods of showing affection. I liked it a lot as a vibe and carried on with it. He and Morgan are also very young here. Glenn would be 21 or 22 at the oldest, which is barely older than Connor is now. I've always attributed some of his immaturity to the fact that he became a parent pretty young. (Glenn is 36 when Name starts and Nick is 13, meaning Nick was born when Glenn was 23 and probably conceived when Glenn was 22.)

* * * * *

It was like falling in love with every single person in the crowd, all at once. Glenn felt like he would never be lonely again as long as he could have that feeling.

Facing twenty thousand of your friends / how can anyone feel so lonely? * * * * *

By then, the GC3 performed in venues so cavernous that Glenn couldn’t see anything outside his own spotlight. He could hear the audience roar approval at him, making a wall of sound that he could feel like a physical force. It was loud enough to drown out the screaming in his head, loud enough to let him forget that she wasn’t out there among them. It was the closest he could get to forgetting, so Glenn did it as much as he could.

Part of a success that never ends / But I’m thinking about you only... * * * * *

Slowly but surely, he’d been learning how to go through life with his mind and heart focused on someone else’s well-being. It didn’t come naturally: that wasn’t the kind of family either of them knew. Still, they’d promised each other that they could do better than how they were raised.

I am never here for iterations of this dynamic that assume Glenn is the fuck-up and Morgan was the perfect parent. They both became parents at exactly the same moment, you know? The world does not need one more story with an incompetent sitcom dad and his smoking-hot wife who does all the actual parenting. * * * * *

Nick is long since asleep, but Adele fucking Close has stayed up until these sickening hours of the early morning.

Conveniently, Glenn’s brain has overwritten all his memories with the correct name and pronouns for Nick, because writing around it is a pain in the ass otherwise. * * * * *

“Hello, Glenny.”

Bill calling Glenn “Glenny” that time at Ravenloft really stuck with me. I don’t know if they ever revisited that in the actual podcast, but it was so slimy and chilling somehow. * * * * *

“I fucked up,” Glenn says bluntly, and his mother narrows her eyes ever so slightly at his cursing.

Glenn gets in his own head early in Crowd about comparing himself to Penny, and Robin later worries about putting himself on ‘the same level’ as Morgan. Neither of them are quite galaxy-brained enough to realize that there’s more than one person in Glenn’s life who uses a lot of terms of endearment for him, considers themselves old-fashioned, and wishes everybody wouldn’t swear so much. * * * * *

“Thank you, mother,” Glenn grits out. He sounds absolutely nothing like himself, not that she minds. “I appreciate your help.”

I assume that part of the reason Glenn has such a hard time offering genuine apologies is that when he was growing up, too much of his apologizing was forced rather than sincere. * * * * *

“You are out of chances. If you continue to neglect this child, I will get the state involved, and I will take custody myself. I’ve already spoken to the Freemans, and I have their full support.”

Morgan’s parents are not mentioned very often and don’t seem to be a big part of the Close boys’ lives. I imagine that whatever tenuous relationship Glenn had forged with them post-accident was pretty much destroyed by Adele forming this alliance with them and telling Glenn about it. * * * * *

Her patient demeanor is meant to remind him that she's here to clean up his mess again, like she always does, and his proper response is humble and apologetic gratitude.

And that is why Robin being patient can set Glenn off so bad, such as after the bike accident when they were arguing:

Glenn doesn’t really hear most of what Robin’s saying. It’s all just soothing, pointless stuff in that obnoxious tone that means Robin thinks he’s the smart, calm, mature one here and Glenn’s the immature asshole who lost his temper again. He’d never say it, but Glenn can tell what he’s thinking.

I hope it came across clearly in that part that Robin doesn’t actually see the situation that way and isn’t saying or thinking anything to that effect, but Glenn feels like he is because he’s had this somatic/emotional reaction triggered. Spatially he's arguing with Robin, but his body and a lot of his brain thinks he's arguing with his mom. Trauma can be like that. * * * * *

His mother keeps talking like he didn’t say a word. “We can all stay in each others’ lives, Glenny. I’m not trying to cut you out, I’m trying to help you. I know you think I’m a monster, but I’m just trying to do what’s best for my family.”

Sometimes the monster will tell you it's not a monster. * * * * *

From that night forward, Glenn will always know that he’s not a good person, because he almost takes his mother up on the offer.

I don’t think being tempted by this offer means Glenn’s a bad person, but we write Glenn as somebody who wishes he was a good person but is really afraid that he isn’t. He was at a very low point here and he needed help. Feeling drawn to the only help on offer, even if it was from a toxic source, is pretty understandable. * * * * *

"I'll get Nicky ready for school tomorrow and you can sleep in. We’ll finish talking about this when you feel better.”

Man, I hate that abuser thing when they start being sweet as soon as you muster the energy to fight back. You get a little bit of steam built up and then they dodge you like a matador so that it dissipates again. To be clear, Nicky isn't Nick's deadname or anything, it's just the somewhat baby-ish diminutive form that Adele uses for him, like how she calls Glenn "Glenny." * * * * *

“Family is important,” his mother says sadly. Just before she closes the door, she gives him a look that’s an exquisite mix of regret, tender affection, and a tiny spark of hope. Adele would have been a great actress, but Glenn can’t imagine who that particular performance was for.

Performance skills run in the family and Adele comes by her acting chops honestly, although she doesn’t know it. I picture one of those situations where a young woman from a good background gets pregnant by some rakehell actor and her family covers up the scandal by raising the baby as a new sibling. That would mean that as long as Adele’s “older sister” never spilled the beans, nobody in their family at this point knows that they’re related to Meryl. If Nick ever decides to do one of those ancestry DNA tests, things are going to get interesting. * * * * *

He certainly didn’t find it very compelling. Family? All the family he will ever need is sleeping soundly down the hallway, tiny arms wrapped tight around a stuffed plush Babar.

I wanted Nick to have a stuffed animal that was sort of his parallel to Mr. Lion. Robin is drinking with Mr. Lion in the beginning of Crowd when he’s upset about losing Connor to college, and Mr. Lion appears again when Glenn comes in to talk to Nick and Connor after Robin’s accident.

“I… I guess I don’t know.” Nick looks down, avoiding eye contact by staring into the darkness under Connor’s bed. Mr Lion is under there in a clear plastic box, along with some other stuffed animals. Even when Nick first met Connor, the stuffed animals were already banished underneath the bed instead of on top of it. But over the years, Connor’s never thrown them away.

Mr. Lion is one of the various ways we played with the theme that Connor is, as Nick puts it, “somewhere between a kid and an adult.” Connor is a very confident and clever guy, but you don't magically get a giant box of maturity and life experience on your 18th birthday. At various points, he asks both Nick (at the campus concert) and Glenn (after Robin’s accident) to try to understand that he's still growing and figuring stuff out. Nick has definitely been deprived of some chances to be a kid, but in some ways Connor has as well. He started hanging out with Glenn after Penny and Robin split up, and although he and Nick obviously hit it off, Connor was closer to Glenn for a while. In a different universe, that might not have turned out as well - I mean, tell me you wouldn't side-eye that arrangement in real life. I sure would. Robin just sort of flings his hands up at the role Connor plays for the Close boys, but I strongly suspect that shit would not have flown on Penny’s watch.

It’s funny - he thought Connor was so grown-up when they met, but the guy was only 16 when the Wrights moved in next door. He wasn’t much older by the time he was over at the Close place almost every day, helping Nick with homework or cleaning questionable leftovers out of the fridge. It didn’t strike Nick as weird at the time, It was just another thing about his life that wasn’t like anybody else’s. He never questioned what was in it for Connor. Back then, Nick didn’t even realize how lonely he himself was - he wouldn't have figured out why a kid whose parents had just gotten divorced might want to come over to the chaotic Close apartment to get away from the quiet in his own home.

Everybody was doing their best, and everything worked out for the best, but Connor over the course of the stories is sorting out the balance that works for him in terms of responsibility and playfulness. Fortunately, now that he has less responsibility for Nick, he can enjoy Nick more as a friend and brother. In Name, Robin and Glenn both sort of assume Connor will act as a babysitter to Nick while they go off on their first date; by Crowd, Connor is hanging out playing Smash with Nick and Grant as the gents get ready for their dinner date, but he's there socially, as a peer. Him being goofier and more immature also frees up Nick to do the same, since if Connor is cool and Connor is being playful, then "it's not a little kid thing, it's a bro thing" They both get to be kids now in a way that they weren't before, and I love that for them. Anyway, the point of Mr. Lion and why I wanted to give Nick a stuffed animal as well was to draw the parallel between the sons more directly and to anchor the stuffed animal component. So far there hadn't been any moment in which an actual kid was holding an actual stuffed animal.

#to be continued #wrightiverse

[astroismypassion]

Hi I'm the June 17th birthday. I couldn't respond to your message on Kofi but I am totally fine with you putting my reading on your blog. Thank you for doing your best to work around the messages issue!

Hi!

Thank you for buying me this delicious hot beverage. I drank irish cream black coffee with rice milk while writing your interpretation. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I did writing! I listened to some old George Ezra while writing. ;)

Your dominant planets are: 1. Sun, 2. Jupiter and 3. Pluto. Your dominant signs are: 1. Scorpio, 2. Gemini and 3. Leo. Your main mode is Fixed. You are Water dominant.

FAMILY, SIBLINGS, EARLY LIFE

You have Aquarius IC. You had an unconventional, unique upbringing. Your 4th house is in Aquarius and Pisces. You like to play on your own. Or you created an imaginary world for yourself. Or you could have escaped through music, arts, TV series or film. You were sheltered from what was really going on around you. You might have a hard time establishing healthy boundaries with your family members. They seem to completely merge with you and rely on you emotionally or be completely cold and detached. There were many traditions and superstitions in your family that might have been passed down through generations. If you have any siblings, they are Capricorn, Aquarius or Pisces. In your elementary and high school years you might have been drawing a lot during classes you didn’t find stimulating. Or you daydream often. You were a mature and responsible student. You seemed a lot older than your peers. You might have viewed your schoolmates as weird sometimes, but they viewed you the same back. You might have often asked yourself if you’re the “weird one” or they are. You have Uranus in the 4th house. You may have changed residence or moved around often, even change schools. There were a lot of unpredictable, sudden changes and events in your early life that were hard to control (and to grasp). You have Sun square Moon. Your mother and father have different personalities and traits. They did not agree on the parenting style, how to raise you. They might have had different views. You have Sun conjunct Mercury. Your father emphasized the importance of communication or that you keep good relations with your siblings. This is also a writer’s placements! You can flatter or cut deep with words. You know how to appeal through words and find exactly the right words. You can sometimes think you “feel” words, because some words would be funny to you or have a “weird” sound to it. You might visualize a lot in your mind. Words, think in imagery and pictures and you have a strong, vivid imagination. You have Sun conjunct Mars. He probably met your open emotional expression with resistance.

PARTNERSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS Your friends are Pisces, Aries, Cancer, Sagittarius, Libra and Virgo. In your romantic relationships you attract Taurus, Gemini, Leo, Virgo and Aries. You have Taurus Venus in the 7th house. You desire, respect and value (also attract) stable, loyal, stubborn, highly opinionated people. Those who like to debate with you. People that have “go to” phrases and are polite, kind, have good manners. You might easily sense fragile egos, self esteem and weak points of other people. You have Gemini Mars in the 8th house. This is how you take action. How you approach your crush. You like to play mind games a bit, use a bit of world play and double entendre. You like to know everything about them and how their mind works. You wonder how they are thinking, what their thought process is. You like to have shared learning experiences with potential partners or dates where you go to an escape room or take a cooking class together and learn a new skill. You like to constantly evolve, expand and regenerate. You need a mental connection and great mental rapport to introduce physical intimacy into a relationship. You have Aries Moon in the 5th house. You have the potential of a serial dater. You need some passion, excitement and playful energy to get the connection started. But even in the early stages of your love affairs, you need a great deal of emotional comfort. You have to feel safe and secure around the person, like they are your family already. You know what you like and you might cut off people instantly when you notice red flags or just something that you don’t like. You know you can’t save people, so you understand the person needs to help themselves first. Otherwise, they would become another one of your problems. You have Venus sextile Jupiter. You might be very generous when you’re in love. You like to spoil your partner and take them out for dinner often. You might be over generous or over loving. With you money, time, affection, attention, praise and compliments. You have Venus square Uranus. You might like some odd, quirky, hard to figure of people. You are fascinated by those. You might have a long distance relationship at some point. Or you could date your friends or online date. You might even have a platonic connection with someone before it being romantic. You have Venus trine Neptune. You might idealize your partner or they do that to you. You might view them through rose tinted glasses. You are attracted to musicians, artists, singers, creators and people who play instruments.

CAREER, PROFESSIONAL LIFE, PUBLIC IMAGE

You have Pluto in the 2nd house. You fear poverty, homelessness and being hungry. You are very private when it comes to your financial matters. You don’t discuss it openly or ever. It’s a weird topic for you. Sometimes you fear it, it’s like you’re scared of what it can do. You are very passionate about gaining financial stability. Sometimes your dreams scare you or you might think “too big” or see just the bigger picture and forget to focus on the now as well. You have Sagittarius and Capricorn over your 2nd house. You might be over indulgent and flashy when you have money to spend. But with Capricorn there you also work hard for it. You have Leo MC. You might gain recognition for your accomplishments. You could also be attracted to film, theatre, drama, modelling. Or politics, governmental jobs, administration. Even publishing, media, public relations and public affairs. You could be a representative for a company. You might like to post on your social media. But you perfect your image, caption and you check for grammar errors. You like to be seen as creative, funny, healthy, bright and hard working. You have Virgo North Node in the 10th house. This indicates your life purpose. In this lifetime you are called to organise, to establish healthy boundaries with others, routine, daily habits. To take care of your daily duties, responsibilities, your health and even your pets if you have any. If you don’t. You’d benefit from owning a pet greatly, so that it calms down your Virgo mental restlessness. You could work in accounting, counselling, therapy, even health fields, such as nutrition, dietetics, nursing etc. You could be interested in physical and mental wellbeing. You could be into fitness and wellness. You might like communication, publishing, bookkeeping or even library work. You could use your keen eye for details. You have Leo and Virgo over your 10th house. You will shine and be in the spotlight, yet you’ll have to learn humility as well. Sometimes you might feel underappreciated or undervalued by authority figures, such as your parents, mentors, teachers, bosses. You might feel like you are putting much more effort in your responsibilities and work than you get credit for it. You have Aries and Taurus over the 6th house. This means you like a stable job, because it means stable income (Taurus in the 6th, Capricorn in the 2nd). But at some point in your life, you might desire to be your own boss, be self employed or become a businessperson, since it gives you the freedom of expression, expansion you value (Aries in the 6th house, Sagittarius in the 2nd house). You might even do something athletic or sporty daily or even as a part of your job! You have Cancer Mercury in the 8th house. You need to communicate a lot with your intimate partners. You like to think about your family, siblings, your home, your comforts and safety. You like talking about deep, occult and taboo topics. You might entertain the idea of conspiracy theories as well. You have an excellent memory. You can remember scents, colours, how people made you feel like no other. You have a long term memory. You have Mercury square Jupiter. Sometimes you might be a bit judgemental or be prone to overthinking and overanalyzing. You might also read between the lines. You have Mercury sextile Saturn. You have great power and focus to concentrate for long periods of time when you have a tunnel vision.

ADDITIONAL OBSERVATIONS

You have Pluto, Jupiter and Saturn currently transiting your 3rd house. You might spend more time alone and less with your friends, siblings and family members. You might have to work hard daily or commute to another city for work or just travel daily to a different part of the city. You might reevaluate and reconsider, rethink and transform your attitude to the local community, neighbourhood, city, to your siblings, peers, schoolmates. You might meet some new people, some new friends too, when Jupiter enters the scene since it’s a one and a half to two years long transit. You have Scorpio Chiron in the 1st house. You might not like your own name, or there is a visible spot, mark on your face, body that you don’t like. Or you could have been picked on by others for that. You might not like your physical appearance and you’re self conscious about it. You often nit pick it. At some point in life you might have had an identity crisis or just really doubted your personality, ego, self worth, character and traits. You might have been bullied or the power was taken away from you. You often felt powerless. Or scared of your own potential and power. You have Taurus Ceres in the 7th house. This represents how you wish to be nurtured and how you nurture others. You like to cook for them, buy them food, share meals with them and buy them little gifts. You like to listen to them. You might be a therapist for many. I’m sure you received compliments as “you’d be an excellent therapist”. You might empathize with them and really try to understand the other’s perspective and where they are coming from. You like to put yourself in others' shoes. You have Virgo Juno in the 11th house. This indicted your “ideal soulmate”, ideal partner, be it platonic or romantic. You like someone friendly, intelligent, who isn’t afraid to discuss social issues, society and question it all. You like someone who is clean, smells nice and grooms themselves. You like platonic, friendly connections at first. You need a lot of mental simulation. You have Libra Lilith in the 12th house. You might have been accused that you lack ambition. But you just don’t like competition that much or participation in the rat race. You value the inner core and being. You have rich inner workings. You have Leo Part of Fortune in the 9th house. This is where you experience good luck and charm. You might be praised for your views, beliefs, opinions on life. How you choose to constantly expand your horizons. You are at your happiest when you travel, even when you get lost in a good book, TV series or a foreign film. You like to constantly learn something new and you’ll be a life long student.

CHART RULER

Your chart ruler is Pluto. The chart ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. Your ego is directly tied to your self worth, financial status, your talents. You might develop your personality, character, ego, self esteem through 2nd house topics, such as working on your talents and pursuing new skills, earning money and becoming financially independent, self care and developing your own set of values.

HOUSE RULERS

The house ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. The way you look depends on your self-esteem. Life is oriented to discovering personal values and creating self-esteem. Appearance is a source of security issues. The house ruler of the 2nd house is in the 5th house. You use your money for artistic projects. You are possessive of creative projects. Financial security depends upon your personal creativity. The house ruler of the 3rd house is in the 6th house. Daily conversation revolves around work and health. Your mind is oriented to daily life. Thoughts are oriented to daily routine and work. You are curious about diet and nutrition. You have an efficient mind. You take information and organize it. You have an actively curious mind. The house ruler of the 4th house is in the 4th house. You want a home of your own. Private time is spent with family. Home and family bring up strong core feelings, for better or worse. You want a family for the sake of having a family. The house ruler of the 5th house is in the 3rd house. Creative talents and gifts are hidden. Hobbies revolve around the taboo or occult. The house ruler of the 6th house is in the 8th house. The daily work environment must serve your need to form deep relationships. You use your knowledge of diet, nutrition and exercise to help other people transform. You want an intense work environment. The house ruler of the 7th house is in the 7th house. The partner needs to be willing negotiate and cooperate with you. Marriage partners are business partners, business partners are marriage partners. You want to be with someone who is cooperative. You want a partner who is a good negotiator. The house ruler of the 8th house is in the 8th house. You enter sexual relationships for sex. You get emotionally entangled with other people to form deep connections. Your attitude to life and death affects your ability to deeply connect with other people. The house ruler of the 9th house is in the 5th house. You are philosophical about the way you raise children. You find meaning through the creative arts. You like to take romantic getaways. You enjoy the artistic expression of other cultures. Traveling is for leisure and pleasure. The house ruler of the 10th house is in the 8th house. You bring a professional approach to depth psychology. You find your true vocation by exploring occult subjects. Your career revolves around the need for intensity of experience. Your career involves working with other people’s emotional baggage. Your true vocation involves depth interactions with other people. You achieve recognition as a researcher. You receive awards for your work with people on the fringe of society. The house ruler of the 11th house is in the 8th house. You associate with people who are involved in the occult. Your friends have emotional baggage. You keep your group involvements hidden. You don’t talk about your long term hopes and wishes. The house ruler of the 12th house is in the 7th house. Your partner desires to escape from reality as much as you do. You lose your boundaries when it comes to significant relationships. Your grief and sorrow affect your relationships. The desire to escape reality affects your ability to maintain a serious relationship.

#astrology #astro chart #natal chart #birth chart #chart reading #chart interpretation

[jessisreadingblog-blog]

Anna Karina - Review

So I finished the audio book “Anna Karenina” a few days ago and here’s what I think:

Firstly, the title is misleading.  About half of the novel is not about Anna or Vronsky or even Alexei Alexandrovich Karenin, the guy who was unlucky enough to marry Anna (I guess you can already tell that I'm not a big fan of hers). A huge part of the book is also about Konstantin Dmitrievich Lëvin and his love for Kitty (Princess Ekaterina Alexandrovna Shcherbatskaya), the Oblonskys, Stiva (Stepan "Stiva" Arkadyevich Oblonsky) and his wife Dolly (Darya Alexandrovna Oblonskaya, Kitty's older sister), the families of these characters ... and farming, religion and politics.

You have to know that before you read that book. You will have to deal with seemingly endless monologues about the aforementioned three topics. Are there any characters to root for? Personally, I only really liked Stiva.

And Laska, Lëvin's dog, who actually gets two or three POV chapters.

I couldn't have cared less if the others had joined Anna on her way to the train station. Except for Anna's children, I actually felt sorry for them.

But let's start from the beginning.

The writing style is beautiful and vivid and the only thing that kept me going through some parts of the book. I liked the symbolism Tolstoy works with (the race horse Frou-Frou for example) and the various point of views.

The story is actually interesting and would be even more so if it wasn't constantly interrupted by page-long discussions, inner monologues and descriptions about agriculture and other topics that have nothing to do with the story. Call me ignorant, but I didn't care about most of it.

The characters are very vivid, you get to know them through and through, which is good, unfortunately it doesn't make most of them very likeable.

Anna is extremely obnoxious to me. She's spiteful, doesn't know what she wants, she has every possibility offered to her on a silver plate but is never brave enough to take it. People could have made it much harder for her, especially her husband (at least before he met Countess Lidia Ivanovna, until that he was actually quite understanding, especially after Anna almost dying), but they didn't. She's jealous, extremely selfish, can't find anything good in anybody, not even her own daughter, she's very quick to blame all her "misery" on others and she's so full of self-pity that it's hard to stand. Towards the end, all I wanted was for her to finally go to the train station and end everybody's misery (including my own).

Vronsky is far more sympathetic than Anna and I really felt sorry for him in the end. He might have been a little immature, especially in the beginning, but compared to Anna or Lëvin he wasn't all too bad.

Konstantin Dmitrievich Lëvin is another character I can't stand. Sorry, I know he's everybody's favourite and the character Tolstoy himself identifies with, but every time I started to like him even a little he was sure to ruin it very quickly. His self-pity matches Anna's, he doesn't know what he wants (except for Kitty and when he gets her he's still not happy but jealous and distrustful), he changes his opinions and feelings about almost everything and everyone extremely quickly and is on the top of that so naive that it's hard to believe he's over 30 years old. To me he seems like an overgrown child and not like an adult, an annoying and sometimes very unfair child.

Kitty is alright, nothing special, but I mostly liked her.

As I already mentioned, the only character I really, really liked was Stiva. He brightens up every scene he's in. Yes, I know, he cheats on Dolly, but I still like him.

As to Karenin - on the one hand I feel sorry for him.  Anna is extremely unfair to him while he's (although understandably unhappy) trying to be decent and respectful. What I didn't like about him was how he treats his son and how he makes him suffer for Anna's infidelity at times.  

His character becomes more annoying under the influence of Countess Lidia (a horrible woman, I have no more to say about her) but I guess I understand his motivations. He didn't have anyone he could turn to and so he clings to her, to religion and to ... a weird French psychic. Seriously, after that scene I was just as dumbfounded as Stiva.

Anyway - did I enjoy "Anna Karenina"? I guess I did at times. Tolstoy's writing is extremely good, when it's actually about the characters the story is interesting, although often frustrating.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have minded Tolstoy adding some information about politics and for all I care even agriculture, but these endless rants are very hard to get through.

The Audio book

I listened to the German audio book masterfully read by Ulrich Noethen.

It’s unabridged and the translation (although I don’t know how accurate) seems very well-done and coherent. 

The audio book, Noethen’s reading and the translation deserve no less than five stars. 

#anna karenina #leo tolstoy #tolstoy #books #audio book #book #book review #review #classical books #classics #russian literature #russia #audiobook #ulrich noethen #audible