#i just know it's weird as fuck and i have no way of controlling it or preventing it

[talkbycolor]

monster x mediator headcanons . . . ↷

A/N; mghmgh lo necesito (sexual)

Pairing; "NauseAxe_404" x GN!Reader

CW; weird shit? no bro only him mutilating you / feeling unsafe (cutely) / MONSTER COCK MY FAVORITE / smooching the monster under your bed

i need him to have a long tongue, its canon in my head

before you even met, he swore you were a couple, he'll propose to you in a cringe-y way if you decide to stay in the room for more than five minutes

He will cut off your arms and legs as long as you don't escape, but don't worry, he will take good care of you and will look for other ways so you can continue writing

if you stay in the room, you can sleep in his bed, he will sleep under it (we all know he will get up while you sleep to hug you)

you can't talk to another human or monster anymore, you were supposed to be together forever, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE ELSE, IF THEY SEE YOU THEY WILL LOVE YOU AND HE DON'T WANT THAT

the walls of his room are full of drawings of you and him, photos too since his artistic skills cannot portray your beauty very well and to be honest, neither can the cameras but he loves to see you wherever he turns his gaze

no matter how scared or angry you look, in his eyes, you would never do anything wrong, it is impossible for his superstar to make a mistake in any way, all your writings are perfect, your voice, your body, your eyes, your skin, your teeth, your hair, everything

he's basically a dog, he can't help but gasp with excitement when he sees you, rubbing his crotch against you, drooling in your face even if you complain, he's not going to stop

"you bruise so beautifully", imperfections do not exist, he may be fucking you until he tears you but his look of love will not disappear, on the contrary, he will fall in love with your whimpers, with how you scream in such an adorable way

on the contrary, if you seem bored, he will ask you to hit him, take off his pants, cover him with bruises, all for love (cuarteto referencia)

you are still human, you need to eat, sleep, breathe. WELL FUCK YOU, you won't go anywhere even if it's just to look for food, you can sleep in his bed, you can breathe his air if you have to but don't go DON'T GO DON'T GO DON'T GO DON'T GO

to be honest, you wouldn't be able to stand his pace, he'll fuck you until you vomit, even if you're bleeding, he'll feed you his saliva and your limbs will give in sooner than you think. but don't worry, he will continue loving your corpse

how many opportunities would you have to dress your superstar? He would take the opportunity to get adorable clothes and dress yourself with his own hands, putting slippers on your feet, cute bows in your hair, you don't need underwear, awww, look at you! such a pretty doll

he would never let you touch his axe, i'm sorry my love, but you have to respect his limits in the relationship, if you don't, do you really love him? of course he would never doubt the love you have for him! he just want understanding from you, dear

if you are willing, i also understand you, if they do give you the option to fuck a monster, you just take it but keep in mind that you will not be able to go to the hospital, that night you will know the true meaning of monster cock, it does not fit through your mouth and i highly doubt that it will fit your ass

even though he looks so desperate and willing to do unethical things, your biggest fan is a little shy. if you show him affection or interest, the red on your lips will sync perfectly with the red in his eyes. isn't that romantic?

he's smarter than you think, he probably used his ax quite a bit before you showed up at the hotel. it is a relief that you had never covered the camera of your cell phone or computer while you masturbated, after showering, while sleeping even, and yes, he obviously hacked your electronic devices

idk man, he seems pretty acoustic to me, you and axes as special interests, unstable reactions to changes he cannot control, poor understanding of other people's body language or facial expressions, specific way to organize or have his room

"babe give me a reason not to kill those who look at you" "you can't fuck me if you're in prison"

no es un chico malo, solo quiere ser él mismo

"everyone is so mean to me"

MAN I JUST LOVE HIM MY DELULU KING UEUEUUE

you don't have to say "I can fix him", he himself will tell you "FIX ME" (spoiler: you cant)

he looks cute when he cries, doesnt he?

♡

#yandere visual novel #yandere #yandere x reader #headcanons #nauseaxe 404 #404mxm #monster x mediator

[fastrainbowdas]

Hi hello I saw you didn't want to reach the tag limit on that reblog but I would very much like to hear your full character analysis on dsaf Jack

!!!

HIIIIII THANK YOU FOR ASKING <333333333

ok um. so.

The biggest thing abt Jack's personality is his apathy. He doesn't really care about anything other than his own amusement (and one other thing but I'll get into that later)

Yes, he agrees to help Fredbear (but what was he supposed to do? Just die?) but he doesn't actually Care about the dead kids. It's why he agrees to kill w Dave so easily! In fact, all Dave has to do to persuade him is to tell him how it would benefit Jack and Jack never argues that it's wrong. (I don't think he doesn't know that - he simply doesn't care)

He also... doesn't really care about his siblings either. He says he does, sure, but he doesn't, really. He has no problems killing them on evil routes (and while technically it is only Legacy Jack that does this, it still applies to Regular Jack and I'll explain why in a bit)

Here is where we get into differences between Regular and Legacy; Legacy actually cares about his siblings' deaths (insane, I know). Yeah, that is different from caring about them bcs. as stated before. He kills them in cold blood. lmfao

But he also gets Pissed when Dave flaunts around Dee's scarf and says it's his "most prized souvenir" to the point where he rips his fucking head off. So clearly Legacy cares that his siblings were murdered.

But Regular never ??? does anything ??????? to imply he gives a fuck ??????????? Like sure he says he cares but like. idk considering he knows Who his siblings are now and he has no problem lying to and/or killing them. I'd say he doesn't really care.

Anyway to get to the other thing Jack cares about - Dave! There's no arguing on this, Dave is the only person Jack couldn't bring himself to lie to in the good ending of dsaf 3 and directdoggo has confirmed that that entire monologue was just Jack going around saying "I love you". And we can tell Legacy also cares about Dave, since in dsaf 3, you only solidify the evil path with the line "Dave... I missed you." Which is really fuckin weird to say if you don't care about the person you're saying this to and only want to kill people again? And it's not like Jack can't do it by himself, not to mention Legacy could've easily just. Said he wants to murder again, there's no reason for him to lie about missing Dave. He wouldn't gain anything from lying and Dave was desperate enough to the point where he absolutely would've taken "ok fine lets kill again" more or less the same.

And before anyone tries telling me that Legacy is possessed by Henry or whatever the fuck. That's just misinterpretation of the text. Please go back and rewatch the evil ending, Henry literally STATES he cannot directly control Jack, just talk to him.

SO ALL THIS TO SAY. Both Regular and Legacy Jack care about Dave.

And- that's kind of weird, isn't it? Why is caring about Dave like. More or less the only thing they have in common? Why Dave specifically? What's so special about him?

Well I've given it some thought and. Simply put - nothing. There is nothing special about Dave. What is special is the circumstances in which their relationship formed and developed.

Dave is the only person Jack has gotten to know after he became soulless. Not only that, but they've hung out repeatedly (both the child murder and vegas) so it makes sense Jack would care about him, no?

As for why he doesn't care about anyone he got to know before dying. The most accurate way I can think to phrase it is that losing his soul reset all his feelings.

Anyway. To the part that fucks w me the most.

The similarities between BlackJack and Legacy Jack.

This should Not be a section that I need to make. What the fuck is this. If anything they should be polar opposites, no? BlackJack is literally this guy's soul and they very much clash at the end of the dsaf 2 pure evil ending so what the fuck am i talking about

And I could mention the whole. killing in cold blood thing. But honestly, even Regular Jack does it? If you go w Dave but don't go for the pure evil ending, Jack is still a murderer and all.

So for actual things BlackJack and Legacy have in common that Regular Jack doesn't. The first one that comes to mind is absolutely the enormous ego. (BlackJack thought he could deal with Henry all on his own (which is like. fucking insane. when you actually get to the fight you realize all of blackjack's attacks are fucking useless lmfao) and Legacy LITERALLY LOOKED GOD IN THE EYE AND SAID "I AM GOD". THATS ALMOST KINDA SICK. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE) And because of said ego, they also treat everyone else as inferior!! So that's fun. (BlackJack's entire monologue about how everyone in your party is a monstrosity and he'll show Henry what he's created and if he doesn't feel bad abt it he'll kill him!! And Legacy straight up calling Peter his prey in that one scene)

The last thing is that they're... kind of the only versions of Jack that actually care about their siblings' deaths? Like I said earlier, Regular doesn't give a fuck and both BlackJack and Legacy make it very clear that they're upset about it.

I really like what my friend said on this matter - that BlackJack and Legacy are coping with their tragedy in a similar way, while Regular Jack is coping differently. For BlackJack and Legacy, revenge seems to be a big thing, so it's not really a shocker that the more they care, the more cruel and violent they are. Simply put, caring serves as motivation for doing terrible things.

Um. I am very passionate about Legacy Jack.

Moving on from him though. Regular Jack is really interesting too.

Bcs he doesnt really. change between the different endings. Really, the only difference in Him Specifically between whether he saves the kids or not is just. Does he regard the promise he was forced to make as more important? or does he not give a shit and only think of his own amusement?

Frankly considering that he murders children for kicks and that BlackJack is implied to have been. Very Brutal when killing Henry. It really makes me wonder about what Jack was like before he died (or Alive Jack as I call him).

To me, Alive Jack is the biggest mystery regarding Jack because it's so hard to say what behaviors of all other versions of Jack are a result of Jack's tragedy and what are simply What he's Like. I'd love to say more on this topic but there simply isn't anything to say, all we can do is speculate.

Anyway yeah!! I think that's everything!! I didn't expect it to be so long lmao rip

Thanks for readinggggggggggg :]

#dsaf #dayshift at freddy's #jack kennedy #jack dsaf #dsaf jack #jack kennedy dsaf #dsaf jack kennedy #this has been done since fuckin january #but i never posted it #all bcs i wanted to add a section abt the parallels between henry and jack #but i was lazy as fuckkkkkkkkkk #and only today did i realize that. i dont have to do that #teehee!!

[pinkandpurple360]

Octavia content!

I feel like if this show was good and actually portrayed an affair well, we’d have more scenes where the sex transaction goes on while the camera stays on the family portrait/pictures of stolas with Octavia. More scenes where Octavia texts her dad, he’s about to reply then notices blitz texts him and responds to that one first. The hospital scene, he asks Blitzø to visit and gets no response, he turns his phone on silent, turns over in his bed with his back to it, and laments over Blitzo, only for it to light up behind him the instant he turned his back.

Octavia: DAD?? Dad-What happened ??

Octavia: I saw in the news you were stabbed what the fuck

Octavia: Mum is acting weird I don’t understand!!! I thought knives don’t hurt you this bad ??

Octavia: Dad are you okay?! Please answer!!

Octavia: I just ran out of school, what hospital are you in??? Please PLEASE just say if you’re ok

(Some kids of divorced who witnessed parental infidelity may relate to this scenario)

Octavia comes home early one weekend because her uncle is making her uncomfortable, and she forgot some of her video games or CDs, only to hear her dad behind the door cursing, knocking things over in his haste (think of the tv and cereal scene in Ozzies) and answers the door disheveled, wearing strange leather, and looking like he really wants her to not be there right now. Hiding partly behind the door, insisting she stay right there and does not come in (to her own home) and he’ll fetch whatever it is she needs for her.

He takes a long time and she loses her patience “it’s my room dad, I know where my stuff is, it’ll be faster” and she enters the palace ignoring his meek protests. Only to see a mess leading the path to his room, and an imps tail slithering around a corner hiding from her as stolas shoves the other man behind the bedroom door.

Blitzø: WHY is she here??! You said she leaves at the weekend and I told you I’m not doing this shit with your damn kid around.

Stolas: I’m sorry Blitzy but it’s not as if I can control that girl?! You know how impulsive she is. This is probably her mothers doing, that damned witch just wants to turn her against me. Wait where are you—don’t get dressed!! No please please Blitzy (there’s a scuffle)

Blitzø: Hands off me! I didn’t sign up for some unprompted melodrama spat at me. I got other clients besides you. The murdering kind.

Stolas starts to cry, his voice cracking, the balcony doors can be heard locking: No. No, not if you want my grimoire. I’ll send her on her way…I’ll make sure she goes.

Blitzø: Are you crazy?! Don’t lock me in here—-STOL—

Via doesn’t wait to hear the rest, she leaves the palace in a hurry, tears streaming and her hands pressed against her heart as if it’s been stabbed. Her chariot races off leaving stolas in the dust looking deeply pained and conflicted.

#helluva boss

[grimrester]

i lied! i did big fibs, i have more to say about the watcher situation after all. some assorted thoughts:

1. i'm a little surprised at just how big the rift is in the fandom post-apology. if i go into the tag, it literally alternates between "you guys are twisted sickos for bullying them into walking back the new platform" and "you guys are major chumps for accepting the apology and my trust is permanently damaged." this is a fandom that previously seemed pretty monolithic to me as an outsider, so i wonder if this will have long term implications for the sustainability of their fandom.

2. they said there'd be a "free subscription" to the platform for patreon supporters. makes sense, since their patreon tiers are mostly more expensive than the watchertv sub. this was presented as an indefinite sub dependent on continuing to pay their patreon, but patrons are receiving emails saying the sub is actually only for 3 free months. i'm like 90% sure this is the same kind of situation where they encouraged password sharing even though the platform doesn't enable it. they once again just seem to not fucking know what the vimeo ott platform they're using is capable of doing. they have to stop making statements like this until they get a better understanding of it because it's continuing to make them look bad.

3. there are multiple reports on reddit that at least ryan and sara (shane's spouse) are deleting comments on their instagram. look, i get it, some of the things people are saying are downright vile. the pointed targeting of steven and the borderline fanfic-writing quality of some of the theories about what went down interpersonally on the team during this decision is fucking weird at best and racist/invasive at worst. furthermore, i dont think making comments on personal instagrams is a good way to be heard. but on the other hand, controlling what people say on your platform right after you made a "we hear you" statement is really bad optics. obviously i think they have a right to delete anything that's outright bigoted, but it seems like they're deleting anything decidedly negative.

4. some of the comments getting deleted are about potential "fake" or "plant" patrons trying to skew the narrative positively on the watcher patreon. i frankly think this is unfounded conspiracy shit until i see substantial proof, but deleting these comments in particular without responding can cause some straight up streisand effect. this can really quickly start snowballing if they make it look like they don't want anyone talking about it. overall i just don't know if they understand just how much they're under the microscope right now. i didn't have to search very much to dig this stuff up - people are watching and documenting them. i think the variety article revealing they did initially intend to remove their backlog and them trying to pretend they didn't walk that back has caused a lot of people to hyper-inspect their every move. they're already in the youtube drama content cycle, and they risk someone making a blowout exposé if they aren't careful.

#watcher #long post

[jittyjames]

ptsd is being such a bitch to me tonight guys. your girl is not doing well.

#i don’t want to feel this way #but i don’t know how to stop it #i just feel myself spiraling out of control again and all of these thoughts keep coming with it #it wont leave me alone #i want it to leave me alone #i don’t want to go on more meds bc they fucked me up even more and i want to be able to think #but my heart has started pounding so quickly again that i can’t focus on anything else #i feel so empty and weird and vague #december is always a bad time and it’s hard when i don’t have class or work as a distraction #i’m always on the verge of crying and #i just do all these breathing techniques that don’t work #and i just lay in a ball on my bed shaking and hurting #you know it’s bad when even writing doesn’t calm me down #ocd combining with ptsd is a hell of a thing #how can you calm yourself down when you’re not thinking rationally and it won’t leave your head #part of me just wants to panic and get it over with but i feel like if i start i won’t be able to stop and just simply fly into hysterics #idk #just haven’t felt this bad in a while #i just want to get out of my head so bad #i wish i could turn thinking off #sorry i know y’all aren’t my therapist and i should get my own #but im still on my parents insurance and i don’t think they would allow that #i don’t mean to vent #i just feel really hopeless and shit rn #anyway #i’m going to try to sleep and hope it will be better in the morning #it wont be tho lol #nothing is ever better #bc the universe and god hate me

[mokeonn]

I have crawled out of my "only doing art studies pit" to craft a piece so full of love, and I shall now post that piece before once again disappearing to cry over anatomy

#simon says #i shit you not I dont think I've loved a piece so much before #it's like #i hand crafted this piece out of love for myself and no one else and it brings me such joy #and it's gonna be weird as fuck #i shit you not you're gonna think im joking after I do the alt text and post this one #you're gonna think 'haha what a funny joke they made' NO #this is SERIOUS #I made this piece with every single bone in my body and every ounce of love I possess to make myself happy #in the span of two days #forcing myself out of my comfort zone multiple times in the process #and learning so much #and I guarantee people will think it is a joke and that all of this is ironic #it is not #none of what my next post will be is ironic #i am just putting that out there now #i know as an artist one will interpret my art in their own unique way based off their experiences #and I have no control over that #nor do I want to #but I do want to put my own personal intentions loud and clear here #the meaning of the piece is very personal and I shant share it lest it ruin the viewer's experience with it #but I do want to make it clear that none of this is going to be ironic

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things???? #i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk ! #be nice its so easy ! #tbd

[skrunksthatwunk]

found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know. #at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow? #it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker. #i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time. #but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him. #im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more? #just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him. #she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on. #she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him? #so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea. #but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

[shadowed-yet-vibrant]

Wow turns out there's a reason every lawyer I'd ever met told me "don't be a lawyer."

#seven months into practice #most junior attorney at a litigation boutique #I've never felt more incompetent in my life #I felt pretty on top of things until last month #made a few mistakes and they keep coming #fortunately they're all different mistakes - not making the same ones twice #but jesus fucking christ #I spend probably an hour every day just worrying they're going to get rid of me #also it looks like the senior associate is leaving #which our firm structure is weird #but he's basically the only person in a mentorship role #and I feel like if he leaves I'm actually going to cry #because I feel so lost and the partners are all so busy #also my billing is shit because I'm so sad and stressed I keep just having non billable chunks of my day #which is me stressing out and just feeling bad #which isn't productive at all #stereotypical lawyer lmfao #I keep waking up at 3-4am with nightmares about my cases #I dream about work almost every night #usually fucking something up or getting fired or losing something important #I just want things to feel under control again #not spiraling just beyond my grasp #I've heard this is normal which is helpful in a small way #but consider: knowing it's normal doesn't make the actual feeling less shit

[harvestar]

oknim passing out but I did write chapter 4 of my stupid divorce!LO fic and I should like probably post it at some point somewhere. I don't think its good nor will it become so but I do think rachel could have wrote it ✌️😔

#ktxt #I'm like mentally creating the webtoon chapter in my head like. yeah I could condense this incredibly difficult dynamic into some sentences #I feel like I need to unpack more demeter stuff but tbh I do think in the beginning they would be very lovey on each other cause persie is #just very relieved to be home and have help with the babie who inexplicably needs to party all the time #we can pick it apart in a later chapter...... #I dont know how long this is going to be. maybe 20 chapters. but like real short little ones #its a weird format to think about because writing it in novel style while keeping the webtoon feel #but also keeping every scene self contained so it doesn't outstay its welcome. its a fun thing to attempt #anyways lemme think and ponder on where I wanna take the demeter thing. I don't like the whole abusive mom arc #Like ok canonically shes quite rational a lot but does have controlling behaviors. I think shes more on the level of fucked up mom #who has to watch her kid get wrapped up in just the All That that is olympus and has a freakout about it that exacerbates shitty behavior #idk it's hard to know what the line is but I just hate the canonical take on their relationship even tho its interesting to me in a way #that being said I still don't want them to magically be all good even though ch3 is kinda like that... #maybe I can finagle it to read as more unreliable narrator-y without feeling Sinister. we'll see #sorry for tag essay im too tired to makenit into a post. the new post button too far away 😔

[woundedheartwithin]

x

#kimura takuya #my gifs #gotta describe this as slutty as possible #riding that low e fingerstyle #very funny that he left the pick threaded in the high strings #all there is to playing bass is plucking the e string 😂😂😂 #on a strat cuz why not #I’m just kidding bassists love you guys #I like that he was just out there noodling between takes tho fr #that’s how you know he really does play #like if you didn’t know before #like he’s literally out there just fucking around playing a guitar like a bass #love that #it is weird how he's got his thumb on his pick hand tho #usually folks rest it on the pickup #more control that way #interesting that it has a floyd but no whammy tho? #did… did they take it away from him? #over there doin dive bombs and shit makin the tech have to retune every four and a half seconds #lmfao I hope that’s what happened 😂😂😂😂

[mainfaggot]

tw eating disorder talk, pt.2 to the last post in the tags (once again, no mention of numbers that could be triggering, just a heartfelt rant bc I've been so afraid of talking about these things on here, but i really just need to get everything out bc . I feel crazy)

#so basically it was bad. this past summer the relapse was so sugarcoated in the sense that #i was telling myself it was fine. it didn't look the same as it did at my very worst #it didn't even feel the same #but it wasn't fulfilling either. it was stressful. it was exhausting. i was using my anorexia as a way to distract from having depression #i needed to feel a sense of achievement and i got it! but at the cost of my physical health #and my mental health was all over the place like less depressed sure. but way more anxious #it was weird. because even now i have to tell myself it wasn't okay. it wasn't fine. it's not worth it it's not WORTH IT #part of me keeps romanticizing it bc i was so in control and i was still working a little and still functioning in a socially acceptable way #but i know how much anxiety it gave me on a daily basis. only i know how my body ached and how low i felt from my immunity going to shit #only I know what it's like to have horrible circulation and constant weakness #no one else will live my life for me #I'm sure there are people who can live the way i was. im sure there are people who thrive like that #but they only thrive for a short time before it all comes crashing fown #and it's not worth the comparison bc when im suffering theyre not going to help me out!!!!! #when im struggling with the weight of it all. the people that promote tiny little portions and academic excellence with no room for #self compassion #they're not going to nurse me back to health #i won't feel a sustained sense of satisfaction from restricting and studying until i pass out from exhaustion. I've done that before #perfectionism is a parasite and this is a disease. it's a fucking mental illness and it's not even about vanity for me like thats just a #fraction of it #anyway #z.post

[dyke1]

no way I'm experiencing ptsd like symptoms with this job woke up from a nightmare and threw up cause of how scared I was 💀💀💀

#weve had like 3 customers start fights this week and it usually happens w the ppl at the front im worried for them mostly #like it feels weird having so much stress for them when technically nothing happened to me i cant control their #lives and how they deal with it but last time someome got hurt and idk if this is normal cause i can guarantee u they #themselves are not this worried like im having panic attacks at work again idk like this always happens in the summer is it ever that #serious i just think my lack of control is making it so fucking scary for me idk. it shouldnt affect me in any way i dont know whats wrong

[lzrdprsn]

It's really weird when you know someone in a context different from how everybody else knows them so you look at them and you still kind of see that person they used to be

#this post is about the boy i dated my senior year who was so incredibly sweet tbh wouldnt be the person i am today if i hadnt met him #but he was so fucked up he had so many issues it was really hard so it didnt work out but i loved him and i think he loved me too #but hes in a moderately successful band now which i just found out about do i looked them up and theyre good #but its so weird because its like i know that when you were 17 you wanted to be an underwater welder #i helped you clean your room at your grandmas house because you were so sad you couldnt do it yourself #i ditched 5th period AP English to sit on the steps behind the auditorium and listen to you talk about whatever #you pushed me on the swings and we took the bus to the movie theater and you liked cherry wraps and you played me my favorite songs #i havent REALLY thought about that guy in years and we were only together MAYBE 6 months but its so weird what you remember about people #and especially how you remember how they made you feel because he made me feel so good like i was in control #all my previous relationships was me trying to desperately please someone who wouldnt do the same for me #and honestly a lot of my relationships since have been the same especially in college and with the one girl who honestly if she called me #today i would drop everything and go be with her again no questions because i cant get her out of my head #but stuff witj him was never ever like that it was so easy it was like breathing even though it ended messy i have 0 regrets #and its nice to know that things are going well for him because honestly he changed my life a little bit #the way i dont give a fuck now is something i learned from him #ill probably delete this later but you know

[mrpsychokiller]

.

#i think ive been going way too overboard from what im actually comfortable with i dont actually like that #this is all weird and ive been acting weird and i feel bad maybe my mind has been way too foggy for me to. really think straight #like that sounds really dramatic i just feel weird and uncomfortable and wrong like my posts are weird and my attempts at talking #to people are weird and my conversations with my friends are weird #like im not acting like myself or im too out of it to remember how to act like myself #idk. i just dont wanna keep doing any of this but im not sure what ''any of this'' is #i got myself in some kind of spiral and im not having fun and i feel bad and gross and lame #i think im in an actual like bad mental health state #and i now im worried i have thousands of people following this damn blog and seeing my posts while im in a vulnerable state #and im acting erratic and weird and because i post my every thought in this website everybody is seeing me act erratic and weird #which just makes me much more anxious #i really hate how prone i am to letting my mental health make me act weird and how prone i am to over posting online due to a lack of #impulse control #and how i have an amount of followers that is way too large for it to be safe or healthy for me to be fucking myself over online #i am not minimally healthy or stable enough to keep my posture in front of a large audience and this should never have happened to me #i dont know that being said i should probably take a break for a bit #post less until i can get my head in place

[shaykai]

Oooooh I forgot how much I hate the end of Warcraft (ignoring the MMOs I don’t fuck with those djdjjd)

#hey gang- what happened to kel’thuzad???? where did he go? why was his character assassinated SO HARD? #Also hey hey hey Illidan fighting Arthus?? and not landing a single hit????? and Vashj and Kael not coming to his imidiate aid???? #ALSO SYLVANUS NOT KILLING HIM??? #look I’m sure some things like that get taken care off in WoW or something #but WOWZERS did that last bit of the game just feel straight up bad #like look Sylvanus can be racist because she’s complex and she isn’t a perfect hero #but I refuse to accept that five minutes after she’s freed from the Lich King’s control and goes on a whole monologue about how she is no #one’s slave- that she would turn around AND LITERALLY CALL OTHER PEOPLE HER SLAVES #LIKE SHE HAD A DEMON RIGHT FUCKING THERE- I forget his name- but have it force her hand! have the demon guy be like hey girl I know my #brothers and I know their armies and if you want even a chance against them you need more numbers #it just felt weird and bad to have her turn around and do that to other people without anyone pushing her to that??? she just did it? #and she didn’t seem the least bit remorseful???? also hey again kel’thuzad. what happened. #my favorite little guy got assassinated so hard. :( #you cannot tell me he would be friends with Arthus. you cannot tell me any sort of relationship that might have been there was not just for #him to use and manipulate. you cannot tell me he wouldn’t pry his way into the frozen wastes to get shit done and make some power plays #like nothing he has some suggests that he would just sit on the side lines and accept that he’s out of the game- he’s a goddamn lich #I’m upset djdjsjjsjsjsjs all of that felt weird and bad and I will forever be upset about the handling (or lack thereof) of kel’thuzad #and also how Vashj and Kael weren’t by Illidan’s side. they should’ve been sjsjsjjsjsjsjss it’s dumb that Arthus just got to kill him and be #done with it like. immediately #anyways I have a few complaints djdjdjjd clearly. mostly because Warcraft is a beloved childhood game and I didn’t remember the ending and #it just felt bad playing through it sjsjsjjs I love the games but o u c h was that upsetting #(also worse because kel’thuzad was my favorite and he just. wasn’t there djdjsjsjjs which I think is dumb- he’s power hungry and he deserves #to act like it. let him cause issues! more than he already has! sjsjsjsjskksksksm hhhhhhhhhhhh