#i just legit have no idea how it works

[swordsmans]

finished writing the last section of The New ZoLu Fic on my work break today................ tonight after ~job 2~ i will finish the epilogue, then i'll update with the final wordcount. accounting for a few days of line edits and possible beta-reading..... it will be up in its entirety by this weekend.

i am almost free

#try not to cry at work challenge failed #im so excited about this fucking fic you have nooo idea how hard ive worked on this #legit nonstop for like ten weeks now... falling asleep writing. waking up writing. writing on my breaks. my poor partner has barely seen me #world's most self-indulgent AU but you know what??? who cares. im literally just excited to sit down and read it when it's all finished #90-ish k tailored to my own specific interests #also fuck you(affectionate) kenshi you said make it 100k but HA i held back. we are still in 5 digits #pulled out of that death spiral at the last minute. i dont think my heart could take 100k #(jumps in front of 17k in deleted scenes shh you didnt see anything) #gyro.txt

[adozentothedawn]

Six Sentence Someday

Tagged by @orime-stories thank you!

Despite what it looks like, I am in fact ocasionally still writing, I just tend to word vomit about my current obsession and then never finish it.^^° So yeah, my last game that I finished was Fire Emblem Fates: Conquest and it made me go insane, so have a part of my 1k monologue that I wrote for a potential time travel fix it. It is only 5 sentences because 6 would have been awkward, but if I ever get to it again you'll get a lot more.

"They ordered me to kill you but I couldn't do it. I would have ruined everything because I looked at you and remembered cherry blossoms and warm nights. I remembered off key lullabies and larger hands than mine on my back. I couldn't do it. And I think when you looked at me you knew that."

Gonna tag @adraveins and @stylishanachronism if you have anything you'd like to share.^^

#thanks for tagging me! #i know I don't respond to a lot of tags these days but i promise i see and appreciate all of them #i'm just writing my bachelor's thesis and that takes a lot of my brain power #i am in fact currently procrastinating on that #anyway wanna guess what that scene is? #it's not hard for anyone who's played the game probably tbh most of that monologue right now is just recounting what happened #with a bit of personal perspective #that game is wild in how it fluctuates between legit punching me in the teeth with emotion and being absolute garbage #the idea of that potential fic is that the corrin of all paths is the same #kinda like how some 3h fics work #time travel back to the crux and try again #my excuse is magic dragon bullshit cause no one can stop me #i am ironically also somewhat itching to write an Odin and Camilla ship #cause i have opinions about that #might write a separate post for that some time if anyone's interested #would be another opportunity to procrastinate xD #anyway orime don't be confused about my follow message for some damn reason tumblr unfollowed me a while back and i didn't notice #tumblr shenanigans

[drbtinglecannon]

Goddamn Alador's face here.

He said he hasn't had a day off in 5 years and it fucking shows in his appearance & demeanor -- things that were chalked up to just be his personality but are maybe actually signs of his suffering -- but when you see Odalia threatening to really put the kids to manual labor the palpable fear on his face is devastating. (Like, her own kids!!!! It probably would've fallen mostly on Amity as she's the one skilled with abomination, but also probably would've resulted in forcing the twins to get abomination sigil sealed instead of studying any of their actual interests)

I feel bad hating him before, like yeah he was neglectful to the point of not talking to his kids prior to this pivotal moment of him finally standing up to her, but with this context revealed he probably hasn't really had a chance to talk to any of them since like... Amity's bday party where they forced her to ditch Willow, lest they become worked like cattle too. He's beaten down and mistreated but if he just shoulders it all himself at least the kids won't get too much of the overflow abuse, right?

Makes you wonder what his side of the bargain was to keep her from exploiting the kids, or how it got to that bargain to begin with. If the closeness they displayed back at Hexside was ever genuine, or if Odalia sought him out specifically thanks to Oracle magic and seeing a wealthy future and it was all some long con, or if maybe it was genuine at one point but then eventually over time it rotted from the core and suddenly Alador found himself locked into this nightmare.

This reveal alone really gives a lot of justification to all of Alador's previous behaviors, and thanks to King of all people he finally got to get out of dodge and save the kids in the process. Good for him. Happy divorce, dude

#toh spoilers #alador blight #odalia blight #tho she aint a blight anymore huh haha #cant believe i like alador now but hes a sopping wet paper bag of a man w a sad backstory & cool aesthetic so. well this is classic me #i have to formally apologize to this sad man. we were led to believe he was also abusive but hes just sadly unable to save the kids #no wonder darius became a hater. like 'youre choosing THAT over ME? fuck this im out. gonna go become bffs w a furry & overthrow the govt' #but legit this really puts a whole new light over his everything up til this point & its so sad to see. he was shouldering it so much that #the kids clearly had no idea & thought he had any chance of reasoning with her about anything meanwhile he doesnt even get a lunch break #even if this is a rushed reveal cuz of disney cutting so much stuff i do appreciate the time to show both separating parents when its #legit for the best & men being victims in a relationship. there was a lot going on here but hes a very powerful ally to have & the kids #deserve at least one parent that doesnt suck #no one @ me about hating him before cuz it doesnt matter my opinion changed but also he was still framed as ultimately uncaring back then #now its revealed just how wrong that was. it wasnt that he was distracted he just legit wasnt allowed to do anything but work #toh #tc posts

[hellsbellssinclub]

When you think you might have bombed an interview and won’t get a job just keep this in mind;

I forgot to mention doing vital signs on a patient who in a scenario is having a heart attack. Vital signs is the one thing you start off with for any patient who is in a possible medical emergency.

I was just offered the job I applied for. They are sending me a letter of offer once they confirm my start date (as it is an internal transfer).

You didn’t do as badly as you thought. Everything works out in the end.

#holy fuck I was not expecting this phone call #I am legit writing fanfic at the moment and I get the call and had to stop myself from freaking out on the phone #I thought I bombed that interview so hard I wanted to cry after #but now I have a 12 month contract which is awesome because I should be finishing school then #and then I can apply as an RN either at ED or apply for grad program either way #and this works out well because next year I am moving down to where the hospital is anyway because there are cheep places there #guys you have no idea how excited I am #I have been so exhausted on my ward and I am very much looking forward to the fast pacedness of ED #I am also terrified btw because I have anxiety and don’t like new things or places #new chapter about to start in my life and I can’t wait #just gotta get the letter of offer now

[bitchesgate3]

mizora fans are the only safe side of the fandom for me

#from most safe to less safe #mizora tag i can enjoy evil woman and the occasional hate post #but she deserves that and it doesnt overrrun the tag #m*nthara tag is ok but some fans see her as more evil and more masc than i see her as #weird to me - cant relate #love Lae but the shadowzel hatef*cking ruined my engagement with other fans of hers #mystra tag i instafollow mystra-defenders #instablock mystra haters #literally on sight #because i read the whole post in the tag and i deserve compensation #mystra aint on the same level as c*zador #shes a pompous bitch who withholds blessings not a fcking p*mp/ tr*fficker #love shadowh*art but shes disrespected constantly and stripped of personality in the fandom to be: the woman #i dont follow the tags of the male characters anymore because the amount people will woobify them is legit unsafe #man puts a bomb in his chest because he couldnt take no for an answer #but people want to say “poor baby girl” the fuck? #man is just stupid and a tad scary #honestly sexy but i would be mystra 2.0 if i got with him #larian woobified ast*rion by removing the nuance on whether or not he deserved redemption #fandom performatively “likes” w*ll only when someone makes a big enough stink about him #i feel bad for actual fans because they love something that isnt actually there #his writing literally removes all agency for him #larian infantalized a grown ass black man to constantly be humiliated and removed the rightful anger he had in EA #i need people to admit that the writing is bad and IS racist and enables people to be racist in being dismissive with him #sometimes i do dip into the ast*rion tag tho because those artists know how to draw s*x with women #like those girlies have had s*x before and know what they want and they are so right for it #the wlw art in this fandom has no idea how s*x works #or its so male gazey and prnified it legit makes me squeemish

[tittysuckersworld]

THE PEOPLES LIKE MINE ARTTTTT AAAAAAA

#i legit screamed a lil #which is bad cause really gotta sleep #but golly golly golly #wish i could just make a buncha fanarts rn #have at least 3 really good fics/poem thingies asked and have permission to make art for #so gonna do that hopefully soon #i just need to get school work done then work on the other stuffs yes #golly geebers glob heckers am so happy constantly now what #the beuty of humanity and connection never ceases to amaze me #asked in la class for a discussion if peopkes would give the housing to people with alergies or guide dogs and insted of choosing a side #they asked questions and proposed actually really really good ideas for how to find a semi sutible middle ground #and like so many really good artists and writers and just amazing people so much more all of sudden im getting to talk to a lil #and the mutuals/artists ive loved for a wile have been getting even better at arts and im wufbsudbsh #gosh i need to find the person again cause remember they felt down about their art but its just so so stunninggggg #like is so amazing i love art i love others creations i love how can just see so much positivity in world #being a sap but i dont care people can be so good!! people want to be good!!!!!! even if horid things are happening and some people are ick #the majority will try to be good in own ways and thats smth #thats all can hope for #i may just only be looking for positives but heck it im a lil positive thinker now abd the world has such beuty in small and big thingies

[liquidstar]

woe the agony of having a funny idea for an oc comic with characters i haven't even designed at all yet let alone shared publicly

#the ''design'' process for me is more than just drawing them too #like all the info i jot down before that is sort of just concepts before i actually design them #its when i actually get to it that they become concrete #bc i have to think abt what makes sense for the design and what that may say abt them and ik it doesnt seem like much #but it legit helps me figure out ''who'' they are. their personality and how to best express it #so like. while i have the concepts for the characters they are no where near complete as characters or designs basically #and thats why it takes me forever to put out new sets. im usually actively working on character traits along w the design #ohhh but im so close to being done w this next set. i hope to be by next week at least #im in the middle of a character rn and then ill have one more left #i have a trick: i do them alphabetically so i dont just draw whichever designs im the most excited for first and then lose interest #that way by the time i finish all the ones i have more concrete ideas about ill be like half done #so i wont psych myself out of it lol

[autumnsoldier13]

.

#today I discovered a dent on the bottom of my water cup at work (a very nice $40 cup I got for Christmas) #I have no clue how it happened. legit no idea. #I wouldn’t mind a simple dent the thing is stainless steel. #but because it’s on the bottom it wobbles and I’m so unreasonably upset about it. #like I’ve almost cried like 3 times about it. #it’s just a cup and it still works why do I hate it now #I feel like it’s ruined and also this keeps happening. I get nice things and they get ruined.

[marypsue]

Related to that last post -

I have semi-followed jfashion/lolita fashion blogs for pretty much my entire internet career. One of the things that I see really frequently on 'outfit of the day' posts from these blogs is that they'll list the brands where they got an article if it's a Known Brand. Then, at the end of the post, there's an 'everything else offbrand'.

I get why this happens. But I've rotated in my mind for a while now the concept of doing a fashion blog where the outfit info breaks down where every single item comes from, not just the expensive fashion brand items. Because I think there's an unintended impression that comes from these kinds of posts that, if you want a coordinated outfit in a specific style that looks good, you have to spend a lot of money.

You can do that, if that's an option for you! And there are ways to get that Brand Look, if it's the brand you're attached to, without spending Brand Money. Secondhand sales are major in that sphere of fashion, as are (at least in lolita fashion) replicas, which have been controversial but I support on the simple principle that they extend the size range in which certain designs that are never produced above a Large are available in.

But moving outside the circles of jfashion and lolita fashion (and, heck, even including them), I do think there could be value in more people who dress up in cool outfits providing a source for everything they're wearing. Because sometimes an investment item can make an outfit. But more often, I've found, it's everything else you wear with the investment item that really showcases the investment item and creates a look, instead of just...wearing an expensive thing that came from a big name brand.

And I don't think it'd be a bad thing, especially in this age of internet fashion people and conspicuous consumption and kids getting the impression that subculture fashion has to be expensive and brand-name, to remind people how your own personal taste and judgment can be used to create Outfits and Looks without having to spend a lot of money or own any big name brand items, at all.

#i get regular compliments on my 'unique style' and legit a good 45% of everything I own is just clearance stuff from joe fresh #another 35% is from winners and the remaining 20% is investment items; handmade; thrifted; or handmedowns #it's about having an idea in mind of what you want to express #and being creative about using the pieces you've got #and being able to imagine how you might use a potential piece with other pieces you already have #or pieces you might be able to easily acquire or make #and always being open to and aware of the possibilities in what's available to you #(including shopping outside your 'section'. I could have spent $35 on an oversized white dress shirt in the women's section. #i instead got a size large white dress shirt for $10 from the men's clearance section. looks exactly the damn same.) #(AND it's better quality cotton too!) #and knowing what you're willing to spend a little more on to get Exactly The Right One #(and/or what will be of high enough quality and work well enough with enough different styles as yours develops > #< that you'll get much MUCH use out of it for a long time) #it's absolutely a skill but it's one that you can learn! and develop! and get better at! #i just think everyone should have clothes that they feel good in #and not be made to feel like that's impossible for Them In Particular for any reason

[the-cookie-of-doom]

One thing my relationship (+ maturing in general over the last 2 years) taught me is confidence wrt relationships, and now I’m?? Lowkey flirting with a coworker??? Like I all but asked him on a date, and I’m seriously trying to be normal about it bc I’ve been broken up for a 10 DAYS, no way I’m emotionally ready to get any kind of involved with anyone/anything, I’m gonna be focusing on myself for the next few years, but also? I’ve had a Lowkey crush on this guy since before my ex boyfriend and I even met, and the fact that I can even talk to him now, with it without flirting, reach out and ask if he wants to go do something with me later, etc. Shocking. Like I’m genuinely just trying to make friends, and that is Not Something I Do, especially towards someone I’m even remotely attracted to. Even towards someone I’m not!

And like. We didn’t make any concrete plans bc I’m in the middle of finals. I have no idea if he’ll follow through. And even that feels kinda good? I’m secure enough in myself that I’m not riddled with anxiety over whether or not I overstepped, if he was just being nice, if I have to change how I interact to be more palatable. Just a super casual “hey, I do this thing that I think you would really enjoy, I’d love to introduce you to it if you’re interested,” and move on without any awkwardness. For someone that used to have crippling anxiety with social interactions, it was great.

Adulting is wild. To anyone under 20 seeing this, thinking they’ll never make friends after they leave school. Don’t worry baby, it gets better.

#cookie speaks #I legit haven’t had a strong irl friendship since my best friend moved in 2017 #I have no idea how to form connections with people #I always assume no one wants to spend more time with me than they have to #and god FORBID I ask if anyone wants to do something with me outside of our specific conditions #in this case work #but I’ve been trying really hard to start building those connections #adult friendships are h a r d #but they can work if you just put yourself out there #having gone through my first breakup now #I’m definitely not as afraid of rejection #I don’t have to base my self worth on what someone else thinks of me

[piierrote]

finally legitimately sorting out my shit around my shop i have NO IDEA how ive been running my etsy since like 2019 and havent organised this before,,, i was relying on shitty little checklists in lost notebooks

#legit have no idea how things have been running so semi smoothly #im hoping that ill be able to do more cool things cause im trying to Organise myself #also sadly having to look at legit financing and profit/costs breakdowns.... #previously ive kinda just threw myself into it and hoped it was running at a profit #which it has been luckily!! #im just trying to generally... organise myself a little here #Im going to divide up my time with portfolio stuff and like running everything over here #which means maybe more youtube vids!!! im trying out tiktoks/reels a little #feels strange to speak of these things here cause i feel like my tumblr presence is so different than everywhere else #tragically i am trying to actually make money from being an artist... making a living and all of that #i would also like to afford to do bigger and cooler projects!! #desperately want to afford printing some risograph zines #and prints #i also so so so badly want to do consistent youtube vids but god they take work #lots of ambition rn #okay this got so rambly #personal #piierrotes clown house

[peapod20001]

I actually do have very complex thoughts about many different things, it’s just a bit challenging to connect the inner voice to the outer voice sometimes </3

#random post #I have SO many thoughts and ideas. I love to create and I love to build on what I have and I like to connect to existing things #there is lots of oc lore in my brain! it graces my blog sometimes. not always. it’s hard to put abstract feeling and thought into words #and it’s challenging trying to find the best place to start talking about things yknow? like I as the creator of this whole unique universe #pretty much already know how things end up. how they’re going. how it started. some are easier to know than others. but that doesn’t stop me #from trying create for it. or searching for the missing piece to start the domino effect of development and fulfillment #it’s hard to see where the pieces fit sometimes. but getting a new angle or changing something about the piece can make finding where it #belongs easier. this is what I mean when I say I have very intricate and complicated thoughts. not spending too long writing my sentences or #overthinking them helps to keep things as they are in my head. since I’m not filtering them into something almost unrecognizable #writing a paper in a single sitting in a set time really helps me produce a unified and intricate product. I’ve been told I write well #which I find mildly humorous. I’ve never been a writer by choice really. I’m an artist that works with a physical visual piece rather than #letters that convey meaning. I’m more of a thinker than a writer. but in some instances they’re one in the same. I’m rambling but y’all know #that about me by now I’m sure hahagahaha. yea. my OCD makes me spend too long on words and that’s why I always talk in a short way #a more simplistic way. leaves less room for the mind to pick out flaws if everything is flawed on purpose yknow? haha yea. I like me yknow? #and other people like me too! that will never cease to surprise and amaze me haha. I’m one of those people that has an easier time with #people different from themselves. the people I’ve known and spoke to throughout my life are so very different from me. but they all feel #comfortable to share their experience with me. a lot of these people on paper would be ones I’d try to avoid I guess. differing opinions and #world views yknow? but the way I am. gives people comfort I’ve found. I’m not bragging about that it’s just interesting. it’s the same with #my whole household like we meet people that are like. idk a good descriptor but they’re very set in a specific way. and then we just?? they #like us?? idk it’s just funny to think about my dad getting along with legit crazy people or my mom being the person who’s the favorite of #the least liked / polite person in the office. or my brother and sister being very well liked in their schools but are just average students #who aren’t trying to be more than kind. or when I as myself. with the thoughts and opinions I have. am able to get along with anyone I #come across. I’m really not trying to be bright about that I’m just an. empath? I guess? I’m just very nice to people and meet them at their #level and don’t try steering the conversation to smth bad or controversial. but even then people will still talk to me and like me cus I’m #not putting them down or hating on them for how they think and feel. I listen. I can understand them. not agreeing with their views doesn’t #mean I can’t get why people think or feel how they do. I try to not be biased or entirely antagonist to things different than me #I’ve gone my whole life not understanding a lot of things. and over time I’ve learned them. I go into experiences with people like that #I may not understand yet. but I’ll learn to. that’s probably the main reason why people feel comfortable around me. that and also I have #a smile pretty much always lol. I’m small and non threatening lookin with a single dimple on the cheek and eyes so dark you could see the #faintest light reflected in them. anyways I have gone into several different directions with this and kinda lost the main point I was making

[gandreida]

hheeeuuurrgghppbbtttt

#my dad messaged me today sayin’ he hopes to see me soon and it honestly ruined my day luke #like please leave me alone :////// #then some general normal Every Day BS happened at work and I just had to dip I almost walked off the job no word to my sups #Just makes me think of my mom which #i feel more justified after it I guess ‘cause she’s the one who allegedly approves the messages her husband sent me when we had our fight #tbh life is better w/o her messaging me daily like I spent basically all of 2023 #wanting to cut her off and she gave me even the lightest reason to do it so i did and it’s been nice #the pointless guilt I felt for not wanting to see my family has turned into general resentment and annoyance #i don’t even miss her or him like I straight up just don’t want to see my blood relatives they’re not family to me they’re just people #i happen to share genes with like if you really wanted to build a relationship with the person #you forced into this stupid world then maybe you shouldn’t have been such insufferable assholes for the first 18 years #i spent most of my conversations with them over the phone last year basically just saying life sucks and that i want to kill myself #I need them to feel bad for conceiving me i need them to regret it #my cousin Aaron has the right idea tbh like last I heard he wasn’t talking to my uncle or anyone w/ blood relations really #following in his footsteps. I legit just got so full of rage and frustration when my dad messaged me it’s been like 3 weeks since we spoke #it was so obvious that I didn’t like my mom growing up everyone knew it and berated me for it like how am i supposed to accept that? #How am I supposed to take the hate and anger she exhibit and put out there in that unhappy home #and turn the hate and anger her and her family felt towards me for not loving her #and turn that into love? How am I supposed to turn unending anger and hatred and bitterness and just be like ‘yeah i love you’ #I love my parents in the sense that I am familiar w/ them and they have had a constant presence in my life up this point and when I was like #8y/o I had some pretty good times w/ my dad that were DIRECTLY related to my mom being out of the house #my mom was just so abusive to that man for 20+ years #and he took the love I had for him and made me hate him by just shoving jesus down my throat #We used to have CONVERSATIONS he & I but then he got his head stuck so far up his ass that he couldn’t see #how he was just ruining everything. Me: Hey so this thing thats goin on? #him: haha yeah that thing thats been goin on!! You know what tho #[starts pitching JC to me again] #that was all I could get from him from 12-18/19 #he killed whatever relationship we had together and now it’s a decade later and I have no interest in talking to him #I don’t care to try and rebuild. I don’t want to rebuild anything with him I don’t want him to want that either

[leviiackrman]

Hey! I’m bored af and can’t be bothered to make decisions so, out of these characters, who would we like to see drawn next?

Only 1 day to answer so PLS tell me what people are interested in seeing!!

#personal* #jess talks #I am gonna work on willow next cus she’s been on my mind #BUT #I do have an idea for another new oc - mika and Alyssa thank you for encouraging this new obsession #so it may be between 6 more characters #but how mental is it that I only have 6 more characters to draw in general!!!! #excluding revised DA characters and self inserts #and??? then it’s just their cartoon versions??? #I’m legit like !!!! HOW DID I MANAGE TO ACTUALLY FINISH THIS PROJECT?? #well actually you’re not finished yet Jess so don’t jinx it #but having 6 left compared to the 39 ocs I have… #anyway pls answer this or I’ll still be stuck in a rut lmao

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

#delete later #did a good compromise today. my therapist will be proud. only minorly panicky now #and have been making my chainmail things and it makes me very happy #have started designing the arm bracers abd bought fabric glue for the material ill be using #probs gonna make it velcrow abd add decorative buckles so dont have to worry about flaps of material #have the shape sorted and am gonna experiment with foam and stuff #have a good idea pf how to attach thr chainmail to it. just how to make it all stiff enough that it keeps its shape #ive been using cardboard for a lot of things but i dont like using it for wearable stuff bc i worry about washing things #im a messy person i need to be able to wash things without it falling apart #i have a yoga mat that might be good. i would just need to figure oit how to set it in a certain position #i have a tube i can dry it over. it might be a douse in pva and dry over cellophaned tube sorta deal #the cape is going well. hood is finished. cloak itself needs to be sewed around tge bottom and the front edge hemmed #thrn its just attaching thrm and decorating #i have fake autumn leaves abd acorns and i want to sculpt some shelf mushrooms out of my super light clay #but idk if thats overkill. i mean its my costune so that doesbt matter i guess. im very proud of myself on this project and i love it #and i even nabaged to do sone work roday despite only being able to think about chainmail #legit spent entire morning making the main piece. needs lengthening but its looking good abd solid #OH ALSO I FUCKING CALLED THE DENTISTS. i havent been in four years bc of anxiety abd TODAY I CALLED A PLACE #REGISTERED THERE AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR NEXT WEEK #i did SO WELL TODAY

[beeseverywhen]

god the duality between 'I don't want someone in my house' and 'yeah I'd like my own kids and no way I'm doing that alone'

#like ppl who don't want kids should be free to live their lives without ppl being like 'watch out! your biological clock is ticking!' #that's bullshit ppl shouldn't say that. but also. i would like kids and #after so many years trying not to get pregnant and that seeming like a worst case scenario. so desperately wanting to not become my parents #now i am an age where I'd happily have a kid if i were in the right life situation & i don't feel I've got all the time in the world anymore #lol like. the space in between 'too young to have a baby' and 'old enough that i risk more health issues/ will be an older parent' #feels way way narrower than i ever would have assumed lol. esp. because all the parents in my family are so young. the idea of being an #older parent is so strange to me. I'm so aware of the things you can't do when you're older and how it's harder work to run after them #and like my body is already wearing out way faster than anyone elses. my health's only gonna get worse so. #being an older parent just doesn't seem an option. not to mention like. the older i am the less generations I'll get to see. #i want to be a great grandmother damnit. lol. #like I'm on a clock. to get over my commitment issues or it legit won't happen. but yeah. can't think of anything worse than having #to have someone in my house. if i was rich enough to have lots of space that's one thing but. I'm not lol. #and rich ppl rub me up the wrong way whenever they try and chat me up so doubt I'm gonna marry in to money looool #like i have come to terms with the fact that. if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. id rather not get to be a mother than to settle #like that whole 'looking for a partner' dating life is not for me i can't think of anything worse. if it happens it happens #I'll either meet the right person who im willing to give up an empty house for or i won't looool #and it's not like im giving up the whole raising kids thing completely. #like I've got to play a significant hand in raising my siblings even if i didn't ask for that. I've got to see them grow and #help them reach those milestones. and whatever the circumstances I'm blessed to have had them in my life #even if i don't have my own kids I'm always gonna have kids in my life even if I'm an aunt rather than grandmother you know #I'm lucky to be in a family where raising kids is a communal thing. but yeah id love to have my own kids & have someone that looks like me #but I'm not willing to bring someone in to the world in non opportune circumstances deliberately. #like if it's up to me i want them to have 2 parents to look out for them and 2 parents that at least stand a chance of liking each other lol