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#i just maybe could have used that space/time more effectively. put more punches in them?
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what if we were two mentally ill kids in a society that has no words or tolerance for that. what if we killed someone and unavoidably our identities and relationship were built around that trauma. what if we spent the rest of our lives trying to grapple with what we did to each other, still without words for it. and what if we were both girls/boys/it’s complicated ashkdjhdgjhg
Words: 28735, Chapters: 8/8, Language: English
Fandoms: Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Twelfth Doctor, Missy (Doctor Who), Theta Sigma, Koschei
Relationships: Twelfth Doctor & Missy, Theta Sigma & Koschei, Twelfth Doctor/Missy, Theta Sigma/Koschei
Additional Tags: The Vault (Doctor Who), Doctor Who: Academy Era, torvic - Freeform, Trauma, Dissociation, i think. or something like it, wibbly wobbly memories, Self-Harm, Hurt/Comfort, Bathing/Washing, Vomiting, only in the last chapter, Non-Linear Narrative, Flashbacks
alternatively, what if youre like 10 and you almost get drowned by a bully and get that memory warped so that instead of the victim you become the murderer. what if you did that for your best friend. i mean what if your best friend did that to you. did you die?
theres love, somewhere in your body. theres death, somewhere in your body. you are remade so many times by through because of love. you die so many times by through because of love. are you dead yet? were you ever alive?
you were remade before you were made. you are a person inside out. you are a body without a soul. your friend did this to you for what you did for them. have you decomposed yet? why have you not decomposed yet?
#the koschei is dead saga#i like the ending#natural conclusion to making her symbolically dead#im not killing her theres no love in that. besides shes already dead. i did something better#i will not finish the thasmissy fic before the arbitrary deadline i set for the 30th but thats okay bc i did finish this one#it's silly how much i devalued this fic in my head once i got going on the thasmissy fic#as if i didnt write them in conversation with each other#as if this isnt the longest fic ive published until i finish the thasmissy one#it's not my best i dont think im particularly made for longform fiction#but im still very happy of what i managed to say#about thoschei and what torvic's murder did to them#i think the actual story in this is chapter 1-6-8#or maybe even just 1-8#but i also think the space between them is important. like the more space between 1 and 8 the better#i just maybe could have used that space/time more effectively. put more punches in them?#i feel like now they maybe meander a bit although there are still moments in them that i use in ch1 & 8#like most chapters Are i think in some way building to chapter 8#but also i started out writing this as just vignettes of Stuff I Wanted To See#and i in the end didnt quite manage to spread out the loadbearing stuff evenly over the chapters#THAT BEING SAID. it was a good learning experience probably. not sure i learnt anything much about plot bc im messing up in the same way#with thasmissy. but even so. practice makes better#and im very happy with the point i eventually manage to make with this. even if it takes me a couple of self-indulgent chapters in themiddle#anyway#im gonna log off for a bit#feel free to send me stuff you want me to see if i miss it
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jpitha · 1 year
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The Long Way Round
"No" Cellmenian was adamant. "No." Her fur bristled and stood out straight, making her look fluffy. Without knowing why she did it, humans would call it cute. It was not.
"Look. It's the only way." Kat said, shrugging. "We're too far from the warp gates; we lost one of the reactors in the blast, we don't have enough energy to open a wormhole. Hibernation is the only way to get back. It won't take that long. A few years at most. Maybe a decade."
The humans explored space for a long time before they found other sapients in the galaxy. Long enough to try out just about every different kind of way they could think of to shrink the distance between stars. Most other sapients think the humans insane for the different ways they made "canned mammal" and flung it into the abyss.
They assumed it was some Deathworlder thing; a desire to leave their planet by any means necessary. They were right, but not for the reason they thought. It wasn't escape the humans sought, but exploration.
Among the more gossiping sapients were whispers that there were still generation ships, soaring in the interstellar darkness between stars that don't even know that their compatriots back home can now warp between stars in days and (for the truly in a hurry) punch holes in spacetime and link between planets with a wormhole. When asked, the human authorities get quiet and make noises that make it clear that this line of conversation is done.
Only the humans still make wormholes, the other sapients shudder at the insanity of it.
Never mind the side-effects.
"No!" Cellmenian was screaming. "You can't consign me to spend however many years it takes for us to get to a place where we can be reached when I...when I..." She broke down, sobbing. "When I have my family to get home to." She sat down hard on the deck, tears streaming from her eyes. "This was supposed to be a one month trip!" She cried "One month!" Kat's mind marveled at the fact that the K'laxi cried just like humans did.
Kat sat down next to her friend and said nothing. After a while, she put her arm around the smaller sapient. "I'm sorry Cell." She whispered. "If I could wave a hand and fix it, I would."
They sat in silence together, the gravity of their situation pinning them to the floor.
"Okay" Cellmenain said, with a sniff. "If we're going to go into hibernation, I want to do it now. I want the shortest possible time conscious before I see my family...again." more tears welled, but she stood.
"City of Troy?" Kat addressed the ship. "Are the hibernation berths printed?"
"Yes Kat." the ship replied. "Luckily, I had some data left over from Contact about K'laxi needs in hibernation. You can both hibernate safely for the boost home."
"Let's go then. No time like the present."
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ebachan · 9 months
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Sonic Prime - Part 02 - Trailer 01
Yo,
so the trailer for new episodes of Sonic Prime arrived, and it was packed with quite a number of awesome scenes! I also want to point out some neat details I've noticed, and I haven't seen many people mentioning them. Also, this will be a rather long post ^_^;
EDIT: See the end for new info about the last trailer scene!
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Shadow's hand is hilarious here XD That stretch and squish animation technique is just perfect XD There is a reason this style still has its charm after all those years.
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Also, Shadow packs a punch! Sonic's body literally shattered part of the "Space-shard". See the small pieces floating away from Sonic's body.
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Upon entering Prime Green Hill, Sonic's shoes and gloves become "Digital"(?). Despite there being a Paradox Shard his gloves and shoes "don't" change their form? It's hard to tell, or this may be their form for this "ghosted" world.
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I love Shadow's face here! It's like "Seriously, and YOU are my rival?". It's a mystery how Sonic can go toe to toe with Shadow if he has trouble landing! XD Could this suggest Shadow is half-hedgehog and thus his other bloodline "eliminates" this hedgehog's problem? Well, he is canonically a Black Arms hybrid, so, it's possible.
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I can't help, but this Shadow has a serious lack of sleep! The dark areas under his eyes are more visible than Sonic's! But it may be just the lighting. It's also nice to see that Shadow may feel pity or empathy for Sonic since seeing him so down is not just rare, but this may be the very first time for both of them.
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Ghost Big? Okay, this confirms we may see the rest of the gang and Dr. Eggman in their ghost forms. It seems their "spirit" stays where they were in the moment of Shattering.
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Shadow has the TECH! This scene is after Shadow explains to Sonic how to fix the world and before he realizes he has to work together with Sonic! So far we have seen Shadow take only one Tech piece, but I think he may take all of them, but ultimately won't be able to travel between dimensions (T_T). And that's because he doesn't have any Paradox energy inside.
But Sonic has, and he demonstrated he can travel between worlds without touching the shards now.
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Dread returns right after getting the Shard. Notice the weather. It's calm, which happened after Sonic touched the Shard. My theory is, Sonic absorbs the energy from Shards. Making them perhaps a little bit less powerful, allowing himself to touch them (as seen later in the trailer and during the leaked No Place fighting scene), and to travel between worlds without touching them (and maybe being able to choose where to go).
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This scene is cool in two aspects.
Nine is rubbing under his nose, which is a gesture Sonic does. Meaning, Nine may pick up a few of Sonic's habits to calm himself down by pretending this gesture is done by Sonic.
See the purple behind him. I think this is a window and we see the portal to Void.
My guess is, this is shortly after Nine will make his escape from captivity.
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Chaos Councill will get their hands on their shard, Boscage Maze, and No Place ones. There is still one on Grim and Prime Green Hill. I suspect this scene is from near the end of the 15th or 16th episode, creating a cliffhanger like the last time -_-. Or it can be somewhere in the middle and the batch will end with them gaining the Grim's shard too.
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My guess here is, the dimensions will start merging, but in the wrong way as the proper anchor of reality is in Green Hill. I bet all of this will be triggered by them obtaining the shards. And it may be their work or a side effect of the shards being close to each other.
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I swear Shadow is so reluctant to work together with Sonic because of his chaotic energy! XD Given Sonic has all of his techs, it may be during their first time meeting. Also, the dialogue will probably be from a different part, but it fits this scene so well XD.
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Sonic is putting on his tech! Does it means he had lost them to Shadow, but since Shadow can't use them, he gave them back, so Sonic can travel while Shadow may be able to do something in Green Hill? Like collecting Chaos Emeralds? It would be so cool if it turned into Paradox Vs Chaos Emeralds fight in the end with both hedgehogs going Super!
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Froggy is hiding under the hat XD And the Pirate Froggy is copying their Big joining the battle :-D This is so sweet!
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We have officially Super Badniks too! They seem to be at least twice the normal's size :-O Their design is very similar, so that's kinda boring (but I get it). But they seem to have the fire blades Dr. Deep has on his Suit-Armor, so that is a nice add-on.
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Why is nobody talking about this?? Rusty and Black Rose are working together! There is definitely no Nine to control Rusty since her eye is red/dark pink! Rusty is fighting alongside them because she wants to. And I love how Black Rose supports Rusty to do a big spin kick while shielding the Shard. My guess is, Rusty somehow unlocked her old memories and realized what has Chaos Council done to her. She was showing signs of glitching in the 8th episode after seeing Black Rose after all.
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I wonder... what if Dr. Deep went into No Place world while Dr. Bable went into the Boscage Maze? They are this confident with their strength and this would speed up their search for Shards. Also Sonic is in the background of Thorn Rose, but it seemed he wasn't moving. Maybe he was waiting for the right time or was cautious to not endanger Thorn.
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There is no way there isn't a scene where Nine interacts with his other selves. I bet it will push him forward and make him question himself.
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I love how Dread makes this ship his own! And there is a big fight happening on board as I can see Catfish, both Amy, and Dread fighting Dr. Deep. I suppose Sonic will return here after his talk/fight with Shadow.
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This scene is both funny and wholesome. Nine reunites with Sonic which leaves him perplexed, confused, and both happy. Nine isn't one to hug, so this takes him aback. And Sonic is just happy to see Nine is alive and okay. And given Sonic is theorized to be autistic and ADHD, for him to give such a big hug is a huge deal!
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There is a holographic screen on top of these Super Badniks. This one seems to represent Dr. Bable's mark. But I wonder if there is more to it.
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It's cool to know others can visit other worlds too, but will be Shadow able? I so wanna see him! But here we see Dread falling down. This begs the question - Is any of the Knuckles able to glide? Or able to learn it?
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And the biggest reveal is - Metal Sonic!! Like in for the Part 01 with Shadow! At first, their design is kinda odd. Especially from the front, but from the side they look really good. And the most strange part is their personality. They are nothing like any of the previous Metal Sonics!
We can see them emote, and make victory/peace signs. No way they were made by Chaos Council! Nine had to be responsible for making them! And all of it in an attempt to have "Sonic". One that won't leave Nine. That has to be the reason he is so "cheerful". And it's important to note, this Metal is running not flying or hovering. That itself is very unique!
EDIT: Watch the trailer on Netflix! There are about 3 extra seconds for Metal by the end. As they show V, they outrun Sonic who seems to be in shock and even halting!
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Oh my gosh, this was long! But well, this was a fun trailer! I hope we get at least one more or a scene or two like for Part 01. Feel free to tell me what you think or if you have spotted something interesting too :-)
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epicfranb · 4 months
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@mortpee: if you could come up with a manga, what would it be abt ?
Hmm well i have an idea that i would love to make a comic abt, and it is strongly inspired by the mahou shoujo genre, so it counts hehe :3 it's about magical girls whose powers are based on forms of art! I think about a lot of things that bother me about this genre, missed opportunities, or limitations due to the fact that most of those series are for kids... But my main gripe is that, if you look at action shounen series, even if they're made for young teens, they're still interesting to watch for older ppl, but with mahou shoujo it's like you always have to keep in mind: this was made for kids, and so the conflicts (even tho they can be pretty mature) are aimed at kids, so can be pretty watered down or underdeveloped :"3 and you get SOOOOOO many cool shounen series that do very cool things with the tropes and expectations (mp100, one punch man, hxh), but in the mahou shoujo genre you get the sub-genre of "edgy magical girls" inspired by Madoka (and i don't personally think Madoka actually belongs to that genre, it's a deconstruction of the mahou shoujo genre, but it is still a pretty traditional mahou shoujo). Edgy magical girls rely on shock factor a lot of the time. Like, Magical Girl Site and Magical Girl Raising Project are literally just shounen series but with magical girls - it's not really the same. Funnily enough, Kill la Kill, which is literally a shounen series, leans into the mahou shoujo genre and borrows a lot from it, to the point where it feels more like mahou shoujo than the previous 2 i mentioned 🙃 So i would really really love if the mahou shoujo genre continued to evolve, be taken more seriously, more experimentation to be done within it, etc while still remaining a mahou shoujo genre, with magical transformations and friendship saving the world, and turning into a big god-like magical being and having the final battle in space :"D
So, after explaining my motivation, here are a couple of things i would do in my story:
- older characters. Magical girls in these series are usually aged between 13 and 17, and any more is like an older magical girl. The magical girls in my story would still be young, but i would set the minimal age of all characters to 18.
- a lot of magical girls! What i liked in Magia Record (the game, idc about the anime) was that there was a lot of them! It was established in the original madomagi that girls establish their territories on which they work (i think they did it in Raising Project as well), which implies there are a lot of magical girls. They did do too many in Magireco (they didn't ALL have to be in this one city xD), but i love the idea. With my idea, it would also mean i get to create a lot of unique characters based on different forms of art :D
- RULES!!! It isn't always explained in stories HOW people use magic. In Witch Hat Atelier, you draw your magic! In Tweeny Witches, you need parts of fairies, such as their hair or feathers! For my story, it would make sense that the girls can use any magic they can imagine. But with them doing different arts, they would naturally imagine things differently! "How to use magic?" "What is magic?" They would all have different answers to these questions. Maybe one music girl would use sound waves to deafen their enemy, but another one would play relaxing melodies to put a monster to sleep, a third one could heal their allies because they believe music has a healing effect.
- Worldbuilding! Why are magical girls a thing? What is their bigger purpose? Where did their cute mascots appear from? What are the monsters that keep appearing? How did nobody know about all this before?? How long has magic even been a thing??? I'm certainly borrowing from Madoka with these questions, and i plan to have a "FUCK. OUR LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS" moment in the end, but 1) nobody dies 2) ppl recover from this and find new hope 3) they defeat the evil and lose their magic as an exchange, but it's ok because their art and their friendships are the real magic 🥰🥰
- more diversity! I can't represent absolutely everyone of course, but i would want to have characters of different ethnicities and genders and sexualities at least. There isn't a rule that only girls can be magical, it's just that I'm going to focus on girls, but there will be magical boys and enbies too lol :D i have ideas for some disabled magical girls and trans magical girls and i just have sooo many ideas for designs and backstories in my head!!! (⁠☆⁠▽⁠☆⁠)
So yeah, hopefully i could get to that at some point.... ^_^; and i hope you liked reading my rambles :"D
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furiousgoldfish · 1 year
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Hi, general TW for physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental health topics (just to be safe). Apologies for the length.
(i sent this twice in case the first one didn't go through, I know sometimes long asks disappear in the system. If you got two please ignore this one, thank you for understanding)
This is.. going to be odd but I'm the person that sent the ask about learning how to be more like a typical human after being semi-feral? you asked a few questions and I can answer them, and maybe get some advice too on it as well. Sorry if this is disjointed, I'm in a bad head space right now but I haven't seen your inbox open in a while so I wanted to answer you while I could.
You asked me about how I survived. And honestly it was mostly because I didn't have an alternative. For physical abuse, I developed a high pain tolerance and don't much have the ability to cry or react to pain. I genuinely don't understand why people describe certain things as being painful, I can handle punches, cuts, etc without reacting.
For starvation my body has stopped reacting to hunger. I haven't felt hunger in many many years, and even then it was a rare occurrence. While it's most likely that I have stunted physical growth because of malnutrition, I can go days without eating without feeling any negative side effects. This is similar with water as well. I can go over a day or two without water and still be okay, actually most of my childhood I drank some water in the morning and then didn't drink anything until 5pm.
As for everything else, I wasn't really allowed to express emotions growing up after my birth parents. While my birth mother would sometimes beat me just to see me cry because she thought it was funny, in the foster home I spent the most time in any reaction from me that wasn't positive or praise was considered problematic. (more about the foster home later)

I'll also add that one of the things that kept me alive, ironically, was the thought of how easy it was to die. The first time I tried killing myself was when I was 5, where I had trained the dog I was living with to lay on a pillow wherever it was put. I'd then lay down and get the dog to lay on that, effectively suffocating me. The dog left after attacking a different kid (who tried killing it) and I was removed after.
My entire childhood I planned my own suicide in all sorts of ways. I've tried stealing and taking pills, I used to keep cups of bleach by my bedside to trick myself into drinking it, I tried laying on streets so cars would crush me, all the way to more elaborate plans I won't share. I don't remember when I started self harming, however I always was sneaky about it because I was always under what was called "arm check" watch. So it stuck mostly to things I could get away with.
I, though I don't know why, have an unnaturally high tolerance to medication, drugs, anaesthetics, and alcohol. I need 3 to 4 times the regular dose of medication for it to impact me, I've never been put under anaesthetics because they've never been legally able to give me a high enough dose to knock me out, and though I've been pressured to drink by adults when I was younger I've never gotten drunk, not even when I was a teen and drank a whole 6 pack.
This has stopped me from overdosing many times, because I've reached the point where I've taken enough medication to actually overdose but didn't. Perhaps this is due to overactive survival instincts, perhaps it's a bizarre quirk. Perhaps my birth parents used to drug me and I gained an early life tolerance. But in summary, only the idea that if I were to die it would be under my own terms was what kept me alive. That and spite, and a fear of abandoning any current foster siblings or pets that I protected from foster siblings that tried killing/maiming them.

To answer you about alters, I'm not entirely sure if I have fully formed alters or not? While my dissociation isn't as bad as it was when I was younger (I'd zone out to the point where I was completely gone for hours. No matter what anyone did I wouldn't react at all) and I eventually learned how to at least move and somewhat speak when it happens.
I do have like a co-host? There's two of me inside my head, and majority of my communication in life has been us talking to each other. However I think it's important to mention that when I was 6 there was a shift? I'm unsure how to word it but this is the closest way I can put it: when I was 6 the original person of the body died and left us two behind.
We had completely different interests, reactions to things, thoughts and dreams and everything. It's to the point that I was moved to another foster home because I was no longer the kid the previous foster parents wanted. And it felt like we had to re-learn how everything worked all over again, because I only knew how to survive.
Every few years that "rebirth" cycle happens again, and the two co-hosts seem to shut off for a bit and then turn back on, but when they turn back on we loose sense of "us" and have to relearn a bunch of things. And not just small things, but big things like school concepts, social rules, what is and isn't acceptable to speak about, how to properly move our body, all of that. Everything feels brighter and more real for a week or two after before it goes back to being dull.
But after that we're still like a new duo living in the head and living in this body. We may have different interests and do differently in school, and I have no clue why it happens. If it is all alters, maybe we're stuck in a perpetual loop of being born, barely surviving, and dying over and over again. It's the only way I can keep track of periods of my life, on which 3 or 4 year period certain iterations of us control the body.
I guess this sort of internal cycle also adds to me not feeling like a real person, because I often loose all the person-ness I've gained and have to read-build my illusion of humanness all over again. What comes naturally to me isn't what a human should be like, and it's unsafe for me to ever be me, at the very least until I can someday find a place safe enough to live.

My main reason for learning how to speak, even though it physically hurts me to do so for any length of time, was so I could learn how to beg people not to kill me. As soon as I sensed adult disappointment I would crouch on the ground and cover my head and beg the adult not to kill me, which got me moved from another foster home after the school called the foster parents too many times asking why I did that.
Eventually I learned that doing that would make people more likely to kill me, so my general perspective of the world my entire life has been "everyone in the world belongs on a ranking system of how much power they have over another person. Teachers and parents have the most, while kids older than you will always have more power. I have less ranking than everyone else around me, so any hurt done to me will always be acceptable. If someone kills me it's well within their ranking to do so." I still struggle to not have this outlook, as I'm used to being treated as more of a pet or novelty than a person.
I don't know if that answers your questions, but that's the best I can do. If there's any more questions you have I can try answering them whenever I find your inbox open again.

Here's the more about foster care, and what I have some questions about. I've mentioned this to someone once, and they said it sounded similar to human trafficking? though I consider it normal.
In the one foster home I stayed at, the one I stayed at the longest, was one where every child that went there had a "ranking". For some extra context: every child there was a legal orphan, all through having birth parents so bad they couldn't stay with them.
The ranking system was based on how "adoptable" the child was. For instance, if you did well in school, didn't have attention put on you, stayed quiet and followed chores and "requests" at the foster home, and basically did what you were told you'd keep a good ranking. This also included not reacting to any trauma you have, not mentioning previous parents (foster or birth), and basically being a child that raised themself. HOWEVER it didn't matter what happened at home, just keeping up appearances and not bothering the foster parents.
While at that foster home over the years I had over 8 foster siblings, though only 5 of them stayed for longer than a few months. When I was 6 the boy already living there tried, and likely succeeded at some point, raping me. The only reason why he was ever caught (he was left home alone with me to babysit, despite him being no where near capable of doing so.) was because a new girl (around 8) had moved in and caught him in the act. She had just come from a place where she'd witnessed rape and freaked out enough that they eventually moved the boy.
Even though she saved me then and at times acted like an older sister, she also was... not happy with her life. She tried killing me multiple times, usually through drowning (both when we were left alone and her telling babysitters that I could swim and putting me in situations where I'd nearly drown). She also tried attack me with a knife a few times, however all the cabinets and drawers in the house were locked so it was rare for her to get anything too sharp.
She also had been planning to murder our foster parents and blame me for it, however someone reported her for trying to get a teacher to have sex with her when she was 13 and got sent away. There was another boy that lived there around my age a few years later that also tried killing me multiple times, usually through strangulation, pushing me onto the road, trying to hang me a few times, attacking me with a knife, and in other ways. He was rather sneaky and had been 2 weeks away from being officially adopted by the foster parents before he tried threatening someone on the school bus.
He had threatened people before and had never actually attacked someone at school, but the bus driver had gotten mad enough that he was suspended. Our foster parents only called him "devil child" and terminated the adoption process and sent him away, despite him doing that and worse to me for years at home.
I had a few other foster siblings similar to that, two other ones that showed sexual interest in me. One simply harassed me while the other raped me nightly for years before eventually being sent away because 3 foster kids at once was "too financially difficult" (even though the foster parents were paid to care for all of us, covering school supplies, clothes, and more. The only clothes I got were the clothes of older foster siblings, sometimes even stuff from previous foster kids I'd never met that was kept in garbage bags in the attic).
There's a lot more I could add, like how in that foster home I was often put to work in their construction business, and how the foster mother was grooming me to have a "special" relationship with her, and more, but first I want to talk about the foster home.

So the ranking system was used not only to basically tell us foster kids whether we'd be able to still stay there/not get abandoned again. It was also used to consider how "considerate" our removal would be. If you had a poor ranking you'd get insulted and lose certain privileges, and if it got bad enough the foster parents would refer to the kid as "devil child" (regardless of age).
A "considerate" removal was where a foster kid would be told they'd be removed a few weeks or months in advance, a bad removal was being kicked out suddenly with all the things you were allowed to keep in garbage bags.
Part of the "considerate" removal (and what the person said sounded like "human trafficking") was the videos we had to make. We would make videos about us doing homework, our likes, us doing chores, stuff like that. A sort of general introduction to the kid, and why anyone watching would want to foster/adopt that kid. These videos would show off all the best qualities of a kid, be burned onto a special CD with the kid's legal name on it, and then played to groups of potential foster/adoptive parents.
The foster parents and the potentials would meet in a room and watch the disk, and whoever was interested would stay behind and ask the foster parents more questions. Whoever was the kid that was staying at the foster home the longest would go and act as a sort of "fact checker" of sorts, because "children are worse at lying".
That, after a few years, ended up being me. I've been in many meetings with groups of adults I don't know and asked about how good my foster siblings were, and sometimes even asked which potential foster parents I liked the most, which would get taken into consideration on which potential foster/adoptive parents my foster sibling(s) would go to.

I'll admit to being selfish and not wanting them to leave, even if they had hurt me. It hurt more having to lie about where I was, but it hurt more seeing adults I mildly recognized come to the door and take my foster siblings away. I always tried to get my foster siblings controlled in some way to avoid them having to be removed, which often made them more mad at me and more likely to lash out, but we'd all been abandoned and I didn't want them to be abandoned again. But perhaps they were luckier, because they got to move out.
Those foster parents of that foster home has a copy of every CD made for all the foster kids, though there's a few that didn't get time to make CDs before they were kicked out. It was all through our local child protective services, but I wasn't allowed any internet presence and few photos of me which means there is a possibility that I was kidnapped (or "misplaced") in the system.
Those foster parents were also... not great. It turns out that the foster mother had had her own biological children removed from her decades ago, and they couldn't have biological children of their own. They wanted a child to replace the one they couldn't have, and were cycling through children until they found one easy enough to control (i remind you children all with birth parents abusive enough that we were all declared legal orphans).
I ended up being controllable enough, though that was also because my social worker abandoned me and I had no outside contacts and a panic-attack inducing fear of adults. Eventually they adopted me and changed my name to one of the foster mother's birth child's names. They forbade me from learning anything about my past OTHER than whatever terrible things my birth parents did.
Unless I was physically working for the foster father (construction business he mostly ignored me. By the time I was 7 I was tiling bathroom floors, and by the time I was 9 I had helped (without ladders or any safety measures) put roofing on roofs). He ignores my physical ailments and always changes the topic whenever I mention anything that isn't "positive" or school, so we lack much of an emotional bond. However he also has never hurt me physically, touched me in any way, or purposefully made me cry. He does ignore everything the foster mother did.

The foster mother had wanted a "special" relationship, and I don't know what else to describe it. Once I knew enough language to speak and make up stories she was telling me about her own trauma and the trauma of her self-help-group/clients. (The foster parents didn't want a disabled kid so I was forced to do home schooling over the summers to "make up" for "my defective brain". They weren't trained and it got ugly many many times because of my brain damage and general inhumanness. Due to the treatment of my birth parents I have brain damage that no one ever checked up on.)
I was raised on stories of rape, abuse, murder, and trauma. The only TV I was ever allowed to watch was construction-work related stuff (so I could better help in the business) or shows with murder. The birth mother would pit the other foster kids against me because I got the "special privilege" of being allowed into the foster mother's office (the only time we ever would see her, other than watching tv._
This "special privilege" included her removing her shirts so I could give her back massages (starting when I was 7), and her telling me about her clients/friends. It also included her sharing her delusions in a religious sort of way, and training me to "be more human".
No matter what i did I could never fully please her, because no matter what I do I will never be a real human. I was never allowed therapy and was the closest thing to therapy I've had was those "Special meetings" with the foster mother. And there the core lessons for me was the following:
No matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be worth less than everyone because I am fundamentally inhuman.
Everyone else is always telling the truth compared to me, because I'm fundamentally incapable of experiencing reality.
Everyone plans out their life before they live it. That means that I planned out every single thing that ever happened in my life. That means I wanted every bad thing that happened, and there was no one to blame but me.
That it's not actually that hard to hide a body, and if I try talking to outsiders I'll learn that first hand (this was partially why the foster mother had me watch so many murder and murder mystery shows. It was a reminder of how she could point out all the mistakes the murderers made, AKA how easy it would be for her to kill me and get away with it).
My life is a mistake, something that should have never happened, and if I talked to other people I'd only spread my curse them to be like me.
Never talk about what happens at home. Or your life.

When I was 17 the foster parents moved me to another place in the country where the nearest towns were over an hours drive away and the nearest town with police was 2+hours away. And where the age of adulthood was older than 18, all so I couldn't legally leave them (they have made far far too many stalking, kidnapping, maiming and more threats because they "love me too much to let me go"). And in general keep me as isolated as they could, a thing they've done since I was placed in their care.
There's so much more I could talk about, but this is already far far too long, so I have a few question I hope you could answer?
First, I'd appreciate any reaction or thoughts you could share, I find it helps give me an outside perspective from someone who doesn't think all this to be normal (and therefore more comfortable than the alternative).
Second, would the CDs and method of foster children getting new foster/adoptive parents be considered similar to human trafficking? I really don't think it is, but that comment the person made has stuck with me, and I wanted to get someone else's opinion (it's... not something I can just go and ask someone)/
Third, is it normal for parents (foster, adoptive or otherwise) to want you to raise yourself? I basically was feeding myself (making meals, packing lunches, etc) since I was 7 and helped my foster siblings do so too. I helped do everyone's laundry since I was 6 (my foster siblings and I were so small that just for one basket all three of us would have to grab on and drag it upstairs lol) and have continued to do mine and the foster parents's laundry since. I never got homework help, never did outside activities that would require the foster parents taking me places, I spent all my time in a forest (sometimes camping in it for weekends until I was old enough to be taken seriously if I complained about living conditions (around 13?). etc
Fourth, is it weird that I was required to do so much construction work? I've helped with the demolition and construction of many houses since I was 7-ish, ranging from taking down walls to plumbing to electrical wiring, creating walls, tiling, carpeting, roofing, making decks, etc etc etc. For a few years my bedroom was also used as a tool storage area, with tons of saws, knives, and tools all over the place. The foster mother was well aware of my suicidal tendencies and she would tell me to do it, put my in situations where I could do it, shame me for being "like that", and only cared if it ruined the foster parents' combined reputation.
Fifth, is it wrong for me to be upset at the idea that the only reason why I've ever been considered a wanted child (or wanted in general) is because how my trauma manifested as internal reactions rather than acting out (aka making me more controllable)? I should be happy that I had so many chances at having a family, even if I never stopped feeling like an orphan, right? (sorry, I've been thinking about this a lot for a while. I can't help but feel mad at the friend I have and school peers in the past because they never had to struggle at just the chance for family. They take it for granted. It's unfair.)

Last, does this fall into continued emotional and/or psychological abuse? Compared to my birth parents and other foster parents they seemed amazing to me, however from reading about other people's families I realize that my foster/adoptive parents sound equal or even worse (NOT to make it a competition, I mean "worse" in the sense that I didn't know those things were considered abusive, NOT that other people "have it easy". pain is pain, and no one likes being hurt.)
For instance, for a few months the foster mother was in the hospital and the foster father went to work and then went to the hospital, only coming home to sleep and make sure there was food for us to eat. I thought they were both at the hospital. We had no baby sitters, even though the oldest kid was 8 and the youngest was 5. Or the time that the foster mother threatened to break down my bedroom door and beat me because I was sick and didn't want to go out somewhere that gave me migraines. Or the many times the foster mother would keep insulting and berating me until I cried, but if I ever said anything I was "defending the fact that all I want to do in life is to suffer". Or how much the have laughed at me for trying to explain to them that I need psychological or physical help (the hardest I've ever seen them laugh is when I told them I was suicidal as a kid. They made jokes about me killing myself and how for months after). Or not being allowed water, or having food withheld, or how the foster mother's delusions have grown to the point that for years I've been denied not just the idea that I'm human, but the idea that I'm a living individual.
According to her I'm an extension of herself without autonomy or personhood, no one but her exists, everyone in the world is an illusion, and far far more. Constantly having to not just listen to multiple hour long rants and having to repeat/speak about how right she because she'd remove my access to water or food or online school (this was during the pandemic, which for me was 3 years straight of being in a new place knowing no one and left with 100% of my interaction being her or the foster father. Those years of psychological mind tricks (I have no clue how to explain it, brainwashing is the closest thing but I don't want to say that in case I'm wrong) definitely not done me good.

(That's also ignoring what happened at other foster homes I've lived at. There was a foster father that was... too "loving" towards young children, another who would lock me in a closet if I was in his eyesight too long, and a foster mother that had gotten frustrated at me for only meowing and hissing as I was had been beaten so many times I was afraid to try learning how to speak so she threw me outside to live with the dog. She'd clean me up and say I was telling stories if I said anything about it through my limited language skills, basically just wanted the money).
Apologies for how long this is, I completely understand if it takes you a long time to answer, or if you choose not to answer at all. Thank you for what you do for everyone, and thank you for taking time to answer everyone's stuff. I hope you have a good day and a good life.
Thank you for answering all of the questions and explaining to me how you survived. I appreciate all of the time you spent explaining it, and everything you said makes sense to me. This is going to be a long response as well, so I'll put it under 'read more'.
The way you survived is something I wouldn't even think possible, your entire body has adapted to the point where all of your senses have turned off, almost permanently, in order for life to still be possible. It is scary to know that this can even happen, and I hope dearly that this doesn't mess up your health (and I want to say, quality of life, but, uh.) I am sorry the lack of nutrition stumped your physical growth.
While your endurance over pain, hunger, and resistance to medicine might seem impressive, it is a sign of how harsh and dangerous your environment was, and how far you had to adapt in order to survive. It's understandable that it's very hard for you to relate to other people, when you're adapted for much different circumstances of life.
It's also incredible you managed to survive at all, and it makes sense you were always look for a way out, it would not have been possible to survive what you did, without hoping that you could end it. It is devastating what you felt compelled to do, but I'm going to try and stay collected to answer this, because I don't feel like you're looking for a display of emotions.
What you describe as co-hosts in your head, that definitely sounds like alters, but I've never heard of a case like yours, where they're shutting off, dying, and then regenerating and re-learning everything, in order to survive. Again, it makes sense with your living circumstances, that it has to be like that, anyone would burn out and shut off in any way possible, and you have to go thru that cylce in order to keep being alive. Still, I'm very sorry that you have to suffer thru this, and struggle to keep any personality you develop. It sounds like your personality forming was shattered into pieces, and it might take a long time to start recovering it, if it's even possible (I'm not smart about this, I really can't say.)
It would make sense that it stops you from feeling like a person though. I doubt there's a lot of people you can relate to, or even talk about this.
I said I would stay collected writing this, but when I read that you learned to speak only to beg people not to kill you, that felt like a physical blow. I had to close my laptop and take a few minutes. That proves unimaginable cruelty and life danger from humans that you had to endure, and your instincts had to over-write everything, even pain, in order to give you a slight chance of survival, and I know that this type of danger erases everything, your personality and sense of self, until there's nothing but pure survival instinct and it takes over.
People who called the foster parents asking why you did that, likely also understood what kind of cruelty trauma this implied.
The ranking system you described, it makes sense. It's not supposed to be like this. In a humane world, we do not have a ranking system, we are, in theory, supposed to all be equal, and none of us is supposed to do harm to another, thats the theory that society's foundations are set on. There are laws protecting it, or at least in theory, there are laws protecting people from the greatest harm. However, what you experienced from society was not like that. A lot of society is not like that. There are people who are intent on building a hierarchy everywhere, and they do feel entitled to do harm to anyone they set on a lower level. It happens in systems of corporations, education, economy, government, family, any system where there are people with authority over other people. And you have experienced the absolute worst of the worst of it. So you had to pick up their rules, the rules of those who need this hierarchy in order to get away with hurting others, who feel entitled to it and constantly need victims. Me and most other people are disgusted by it, and a lot of people want to believe that people in authority would not abuse the authority to cause harm, but by vast majority, they do.
The reason why this hierarchy is so prevalent among children, is that children are always the most vulnerable demographic, being small, defenseless, and in complete power and dependency of others. So they are the ones who get hurt first from the hierarchy system, who are most likely to fall victims – and not only that, but children will mimic whatever behaviour is presented to them, so they will mimic the hierarchy as well, and continue building it among themselves. This also means that the bigger, more aggressive and opportunistic children, will abuse smaller, more scared, more vulnerable, and more sensitive non-violent children. It is not how things are supposed to work, all children are supposed to be protected and safe from abuse. But you have lived the reality of it, and you know how the system works. Anyone who wants to do harm, will pick someone who can't fight back, and who will not be believed, and they can do to this individual whatever they want to, leaving this person with trauma to recover for ages. This isn't right, it's not humane, normal, or compatible with human life, it's an evil hierarchy that not all humans subscribe to. But it is, in the systems that people with power abuse, extremely common. And utterly devastating to live thru, as someone with no power over anyone else.
And I know that the rule 'anyone who kills you is well within their ranking to do so' feels incredibly true (I've felt this in my family as well), but it is not. Nobody's ranking gives them an authority to end your life, or to take it from you. Nothing can grant people the right to do this. What they're doing is getting away with it, when they shouldn't, and they have no right. This is people acting out of their right, out of what is normal, allowed, or humane. I know it doesn't sound real when so, so many people have done this to you, have tried to kill you, and acted like it was the most normal thing imaginable. But all of this was wrong. I'm sorry if what I'm writing right now is painful, I'm not sure how much I can say without making it worse – if something I said feels bad, feel free to disregard it completely.
*
I think the ranking you describe in your foster care is built in an inhumane way. Rewarding children for being extremely convenient, hiding trauma, hiding emotions, obeying and doing work, and punishing them for any actual normal child behaviour, like being openly traumatized, in pain, defiant, acting out, that's not done in child's benefit. Children deserve better than to be suppressed and play pretense in hopes that someone will some day find them worthy of love. It also invites foster parents who only care about 'keeping appearances' and nothing else to benefit from this system. I want to believe there are foster parents who'd want to help a child recover and live a happy life, and not just to have a convenient person who obeys them in the house.
I am so sorry about the amount of sexual violence, murder attempts, and abuse you had suffered in your foster home. I can see you're writing about it as if it's nothing, so I can assume this was very normal and common for you, and not something devastating and life-damaging (you've been thru worse at that point, so it's no surprise that this doesn't come to you as a huge deal). I'm glad you noticed that it is incredibly hypocritical of the foster parents to send that boy away for threatening someone at the bus, when he'd been doing way worse to you for ages – it had only mattered to the parents when someone else was involved, while you were treated as if your experience didn't matter, and he was again, allowed to do anything. This is wrong, and he should have been sent away for hurting you right away.
I can also kind-of, understand that you bonded strongly with your foster siblings, even if they were hurting you or trying to kill you. Your sense of bonding at this point is so strong, because your survival within the community depends on you having someone on your side, at least a little, at least sometimes. And murder attempts are so common for you, it doesn't seem like a deal breaker, what you needed was someone to make life a little more livable, and despite all the harm, your foster siblings still were that for you. So you didn't want them to go away. That is human and normal. We humans will pick abuse and harm over being completely neglected, alone and isolated. I think your reaction was completely understandable.
It is terrifying to find out that foster homes have removals of kids in such brutal and punishing manner. This is cruelty to children, and I didn't know how horrid the reality of it was. I am so sorry that you were forced to live in such a place.  
About the human trafficking claim, the thing is that the ranking system they had for you, and the videos, do sound extremely oppressive and messed up, almost like they were training you to be obedient and then creating a catalogue for potential 'owners' to watch. It doesn't sound like something loving parents would want to do when picking out a kid, they'd want to spend time with the kid, get to know them personally, not hear about 'qualities' and watch a video that proves obedience. Coupled with the fact that after you were adopted, you were forced to work from the age of 7, and construction work as well, makes it sounds extremely like human trafficking to me. I mean, it's not a 100%, because I assume even in these circumstances, it's possible for a kid to get adopted without necessarily being put to work for no wage (which is human trafficking, being put in a position where you're forced to work to survive, often in bad conditions and without money, or benefits, you only get your life), but the situation they set up sounds like it was made specifically to attract traffickers – in this case, people who wanted a child laborer, with a promise that the kid would be extremely well behaved, obedient, and would do any work required of them. While for complete diagnosis of human trafficking, the foster home would have to take money from the parents in order to take the kids – and I don't know if this is the case or not, I'm not knowledgeable about how foster systems work, it's possible that the money exchange is secretly taking place, or that the person who set it up this way did it on purpose, and is financially benefitting from kids being given to those who are most likely to use them for free child labour. So what I think is that it definitely does cause human trafficking. It created the perfect setup for it and it attracts people who can pick out who they want for free labour. If anyone reading this knows more about it, or could give a better analysis of this, please do. It does look like trafficking to me. Not even necessarily because of the CD's, more because of the obedience training and hierarchy, but the CD's sound so cold and alarming and not like something genuine adoptive parents would want to experience.
It's alarming to know that your foster parents changed your name, modifying your entire identity, and forbade you from learning a lot about your past. It sounds like they were set on controlling who you are allowed to be, and who they are in the story (it's probable they were trying to build a story of saving you, from your horrible birth parents, they would surely look good in comparison no matter what they did, given how extremely you were abused in the past.)
The fact that you worked construction, without any safety measures, without protection or any regulations or rewards, proves that this labour was extracted from you in return for your life, which is trafficking. Even your physical illnesses and pains were ignored. This is something that would be brutal even to an adult to endure, and is generally considered a cruel and unsurvivable thing to go thru. I can tell that after your past, a person who doesn't physically hurt you or make you cry is a big improvement and gave you a sense of physical safety, even if you were required to constantly offer labour in return for life, at least it wasn't pain, damage, life threats and murder attempts, so it makes perfect sense that this just felt, a little off! It's extremely common for victims of abuse, to continue going thru life while suffering some lesser amounts of abuse and thinking it was nothing, or it's no big deal, because we're so used to horrid treatment, anything better than the worst seems like a walk in the park, and we're just grateful that things aren't worse for us. So your reaction to it is completely logical. It's only in the context of looking at it from the eyes of a not-abused person, that it looks pretty horrifying, having to work construction as a child, with a person who fails to have any bond with you, while having effectively no caretakers, nobody to emotionally rely on, all while just being grateful things aren't worse.
Your foster mother was parentifying you, meaning she wanted you to take care of her, instead of it being the reverse. It's disturbing that they called your brain 'defective', because it's anything but that, your brain is one of the most brilliant masters of survival, you should be given a lot of credit for going thru all of what you did, and ending up this intelligent, coherent, communicative, clear and understanding. I understand you had to become this way out of necessity and because you had no other choice, but I believe you should still be given credit that you did all that, despite how little you had to work with.
It's also disturbing they only allowed you to watch construction and murder, it's like they wanted your entire world to be reduced to working, and knowing that you can be killed at any minute, it's almost like a threat and a blackmail in order to keep you obedient and working at all times – not that they needed to, you were already in so much terror it was unlikely you would disobey.
The 'special privilege' your mother was claiming to give you was really just parentification, possibly emotional incest (asking massages and expecting you to emotionally cater to her needs). It's very likely that she could be narcissistic. The core lessons she taught you were so dehumanizing and put you in a position where you could only have worth as much as you can be of use to her – which is how narcissist view others. This is not normal or common. You were human the entire time, more human than she was.
You are more than capable of experiencing and effectively describing reality, the way you described it here to me is both eloquent and easy to understand, regardless of how horrifying and dark your reality is. You are good at expressing what happened, and at analyzing it as well. So why would she set rules that would blame you for everything bad that ever happened to you, when you had absolutely no control over it? In order to be able to do more bad things to you, and never be held accountable. She also wanted to keep you silent from ever telling on her (if you talk to others you'll spread the curse) and if you are inconvenient or troublesome we can kill you (it's not hard to hide a body). I feel like you already understand that all of the rules are only self-serving for her, and made so that again, she'd have so much power over you, she could get away with anything.
But in reality, all of those core values are bullshit, and only a cruel, inhumane and evil person could ever impose that on a child (or any other person, really).
I know it can feel devastating that even after all that abuse, you ended up in another threatening, dangerous and exploitative situation, but again, this is pretty common for victims of heavy abuse, that we often find ourselves in some other version of abuse, and usually we go bit by bit until we reach a healthier stage. You can move on from this and find a better environment that will value your humanity in a real way. You were never anything other than human, but you were put in a lot of situations that made it hard for you to feel that, or rather, too painful to feel it. It's easier on the heart to believe you do deserve all this, and that you are to blame, rather than to think that you were a helpless, blameless kid subjected to cruelty for no other reason than someone wanted it, and could get away with it.
To answer your questions:
Even though your life is so dark, I find myself relating to the parts of the story, which scares me, but also gives me hope that you can find a way to freedom, even with a situation this dire. I can tell that you're calm and collected thru it all, which I admire, but it also makes me think you are completely numb and dissociated from the pain you're experiencing, so that you could talk coherently and calmly. However, you're asking for an outside perspective of someone who doesn't think it's all normal – while I don't think it's normal at all, I might not be the best outside perspective, since I'm also viewing it from the lens of abuse. I think true outside perspective would be to be completely and utterly horrified, shocked, devastated and shaken by everything you've been thru, which I do feel as well, but I'm not going to be of much help if I give in to feelings.
The CD's themselves, I don't think are a proof of trafficking, though they are weird, cold, and combined with everything else, do play a part in enabling the trafficking. It is good to ask questions, there are people who know and understand far more about human trafficking, and you should keep asking, and pointing out what feels off to you. You did end up in a situation where two people with absolutely no desire to care for a child, have gotten a child who was sure to obey their orders, work for them for free, take care of one of them emotionally, and endure dehumanizing and threatening environment. This is a form of trafficking – and I should say, trafficking doesn't always feel like you're trafficked. It feels like 'this is just what life is and I should be grateful that it's not worse, because I know worse, I could be dying on the street right now, but if I do this I'll be allowed to live'. And I believe that you are in this situation, and it's not your fault, and there's not much you can do about it immediately.
I don't think its normal for any kind of parents to expect you to raise yourself. That is just severe neglect and parentification (expecting the child to act the role of a parent or a caretaker). You should have had meals and clothes provided to you, you should have had actual care and gentleness and opportunity to talk about what happened to you and what is bothering you. And you should have never been give to people who would mess you up even further, do damage to your brain, threaten you or try to convince you that you're not human. You should have gotten help with homework and everything else. You shouldn't have been put in a situation where you're responsible for the care of very young children when you were 6. You should have been taken places and given happy experiences. You should have been given good living conditions and peace of mind. You should have been told that you're a good child, that you're doing well, and that everyone wants you around and is proud of you.
I'm curious about the forest, because I love the forest, does it feel safe for you to be in the nature? I want to be in the forest forever.
4. And your fourth question about the construction work – no, thats trafficking. Your room should not have been used as a storage either. You were used as a free worker and a servant, and not treated as a child there to be cared for and healed from sever trauma. Also your foster mother pushing you to suicide, thats hateful and gross. It should have never happened.
5. It's not wrong for you to be upset. You were wanted as a free worker because they realized it would be easy to threaten you into obedience, and that you're way too scared of adults to ever disobey, or complain about anything. Your trauma put you in a situation where you would once again, be exploited. It's also normal for you to still feel like an orphan, since none of your parents did any caretaking, or took the role of actually parenting you at any point, they did not build a bond with you, they only kept using you, and you had no idea of knowing that this wasn't normal, or that it was neglect and abuse. It's normal to be mad at other people who take their families for granted, when it's something you sacrificed everything for. It really is not fair.
6. You did well to figure out that your foster parenting experience is not normal, that could not have been easy. Compared to your birth parents, I believe, anyone would seem amazing. Just less violence and less murder threats is amazing compared to constant attempts and constant violence. The only way you could have judged them is by comparison, and your birth parents were off the charts, most cruel and vicious beings imaginable. And I appreciate you pointing out that you're not making a competition out of it, it's true, we're not making a competition, but we can say one type of abuse is more life threatening than the other, and that different abuse brings out different kinds of feelings and consequences, and that some types of sever abuse, make other types seem invisible, harmless, no big deal, or even amazing.
What you describe about your mother saying 'all you want to do in life is suffer' and laughing at you for needing psychological and physical help, even when you're suicidal, is once again, hateful and cruel behaviour, and nobody should have done this to you. Accusing you of 'wanting your suffering' is insane. Laughing at a suicidal kid is inhumane. That is not funny, to normal humans it's devastating.
Your mother treating you as an extension of herself sounds a lot like she's trying to achieve enmeshment and engulfed relationship, like what narcissistic mothers do, because she wants you to be bonded to her, but in a way that you care for her, while she doesn't care for you. This isn't fair, and it's not normal. You are not an extension of anyone, you are yourself, and you have the right to do things that benefit you, and only you, and it does not make you selfish. You also have the right to refuse the things that hurt you, and everyone should respect that. Removing access from food, water or online school, is violation of your human rights, and not a punishment that is normal, or legal to use. I am so sorry you were alone with them and brainwashed for so long. I feel that you are so incredibly intelligent that you will see thru it, and I'm sure you're right to say it. Being isolated with people who see nothing human in you, would brainwash anyone.
Again, I am so sorry for what everyone have put you thru, they had no right. The other events you're describing are also horrifying and sound too painful to bear. You were treated worse than people treat animals, and they could have not do any of this to you, and they would have been just fine. It was their choices to do this.
Thank you for reaching out and for answering my questions, I knew it was selfish of me to ask, but I'm glad you got back to me and responded. I hope my answer helps you a bit, and you can keep talking to me if you want to. I'll try to open my inbox sooner this time.
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geminisecrets · 2 years
Text
Left Me Like Summer Part II
Warnings:  18+ ONLY! explicit sexual content, oral sex (female receiving), smutty dirty sex, coarse language, a lot of angst, a lil fluff, mentions of alcohol, drug use.
Word Count: 8,000
If you haven't read Part I of this story, go check it out here :)
Summary: “I catch my mind wandering as he works on my knee; his face soft in the light of the flashlight. I’m not sure if it's the leftover effects of the mushrooms, the beer, or the flood of emotions I've been battling this weekend, but at this moment, I’m noticing things I haven't before. Like the crease in the tip of his nose. The length of his eyelashes as they swish up and down when he blinks. The hair in between his eyebrows that don’t quite meet but bunch together in concentration as he takes my left hand in his to inspect it for scrapes and dirt. I notice the sharp peaks in the cupid’s bow of his top lip and how plump and soft his lower one is."
Things with Jake have been rocky for a while now, but what’s to come isn’t even the half of it. aka “A How-To-Guide on The Best Worst Camping Trip of All Time” 
Authors Note: This is the second part of a three (?) part series we are working on for Jake and Sam. Let us know if you’re into it and what you think will happen next!
Sorry it took us a minute to post, we've really put our blood, sweat and tears into this story line and we hope you guys like it!
Y’all are so fuckin rad for following and leaving notes. 
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“Since when does having the slimmest hips in the car mean I have to take the hump seat? Poppy should have to sit back here, she’s tinier than all of us.” Sam whines from beside me. 
“Samuel, if I have to hear your voice one more time, I swear to God I will swerve into oncoming traffic.” Josh scolds, squinting a glare into the backseat through the rear view mirror. His hand goes to rest on the headrest of the passenger seat where his girlfriend’s head is tipped back, eyes closed, trying her very best not to vomit. “Just ignore the pest in the backseat Pops, he has no manners. We think he was raised by wolves.” 
Josh’s girlfriend, or ‘Poppy’ as we all know her, is the kind of partner you want your friend to have because they’re madly and deeply in love. (Josh introduced us to her as ‘Poppy’ because of the tattoo she has of her August birth month flower- and to tell you the complete truth, I couldn’t tell you her given name if you paid me). She also happens to be the kind of girlfriend you want your friend to break up with because she’s completely and wholeheartedly insufferable most of the time. But, I digress. She did plan this whole weekend and honestly does have the purest of intentions. 
It’s been two hours. Two hours into a five hour drive. Between Sam pissing his siblings off with his constant griping over seemingly everything, Poppy’s car sickness, and my anxiety ridden, borderline panic induced state, you could safely say we’ve all had better road trip experiences. I just thank whatever god will listen that Jake is in Danny’s truck. Sam, I can deal with. Sam, I’ve been dealing with even longer than Jake. I met Jake through Sam, in fact. 
“It’s not my fault Ronnie has the pointiest elbows known to man.” He mumbles low enough that only Ronnie and I can hear. 
“Maybe if you kept your knees on your section of the seat, I wouldn’t have to fucking fight for my life for some personal space over here.” Ronnie bites back, tiredly. 
“I’ve got long legs, Ron. I don't know where exactly you want me to put them.” He complains, yet again. 
Feeling like I’m one bicker away from punching the back window out and flinging myself onto the highway, I offer up a solution. “Here, Bambi.” I motion towards Sam’s legs, inviting him to drape them in my lap.
“Ahhh” He lets out a comfortable sigh, stretching himself out with his back to Ronnie’s shoulder. “Much better.” He smiles at me, reaching out to pat my head like a dog. I dodge his hand and slap it away. 
“Don’t push your luck.” I warn. Things settle down in the car after that and I finally let my head loll against the window. The last thing I hear before I nod off to sleep is Josh singing softly along to The Lumineers from the front seat. 
__________
“We’re here, pumpkin” I hear Sam croon softly as feel a finger poke into my cheek. I open my eyes and groan uncomfortably as I stretch the kinks out of my neck. As soon as I open the car door I'm immediately relieved. Nature has always been a solace for me. The smell of fresh air, the quiet restlessness of the woods, the sun peeking in through the leaves of the trees, shedding warmth and light on my skin. 
I step out of the car and close my eyes, tilting my head back to get a full deep breath in. Trying to focus my energy on the birds I hear chirping and the water I hear babbling, I barely notice the camp starting to get set up around me. I consider truly making the most of this moment or even sneaking away to take a walk and clear my head but I know I’m just procrastinating the inevitable. 
I try my best to help Ronnie stake our tent into the ground. We have three of them to set up. Josh and Poppy have their own. Jake and I were supposed to have our own as well, but given that our relationship recently imploded, we decided to break things up and have the rest of the boys in one tent, and the girls in another. At least I’ll have a separate tent with Ronnie to be able to decompress if things get to be too much. 
“My tent looks better than yours”, Sam taunts, interrupting my thoughts, sticking his tongue out at me. Mere seconds later, before I even have a chance to respond, the wind picks up and his rain tarp goes flying. 
“Hey, MacGyver, look alive” I point as it begins to blow into the woods between the trees. 
“Shit!” He takes off running after it. Taking pity on him, I start to help him chase after it. I swear to God I almost give up as we run further and further back into the woods, tripping on tree roots, getting eaten alive by mosquitos, but the tarp finally catches on a broken tree branch. 
“Oh thank god!” Sam yells out, grabbing the tarp and barking out a bellied laugh. I laugh along with him as I double over, hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I feel comfortable with Sam. He’s a safe person for me. Unfortunately all of the Kiszkas are, or, were. As safe as he feels, Sam and I have always had some kind of tension between us. I can never quite put my finger on what it is exactly–or maybe I would rather just not acknowledge it for the sake of our friendship. Sam finally breaks the silence in our gasps for air.
“So, how are you holding up? Like actually.” I panic immediately, the oxygen rushing to my brain from The Great Tarp Chase of 2022 has really proven to distract me from my own rambling thoughts but he’s snapped me right back into the present with one question. I don’t want to unload all of this on him and the way he’s looking at me makes me feel weak and pitiful. (Whether or not I am is not the point).
“I’ve been better. I’ve been worse.” I lie through my teeth, turning on my heel and heading back toward our campsite. He follows suit, striding beside me. He nods his head and gives me a weak smile. He knows I'm lying but I’m grateful he leaves it at that. Catching me completely off guard, he wraps his arm over my shoulder and pulls me in for a classic Sam bear-hug. “Thanks, Sammy.” I utter, the words muffled into the fleece of his pullover. Breaching past the point of the tree line, we see Danny’s truck pulled up next to Josh’s Jeep. Oh good. Just when I thought my anxiety couldn’t get any higher. 
“Savannah!” Sam yells out in excitement. I didn’t even think it was humanly possible for my head to swivel in the speed and angle it does because who in the fuck is Savannah? It feels like a scene out of a movie as I see a set of long, sleek, tanned legs materialize from the back seat, followed by a luscious head of perfectly shiny, honey toned hair being tossed from one shoulder to the other. 
Oh. That Savannah. 
“You’ve met Sav before, right?” Josh asks only to me, putting down the camping chair he was holding. 
“Um, actually no, I haven’t.” I try to play it cool. Try to act aloof but my blood pressure is absolutely through the roof and I feel like I’m going to pass out. 
“Sav is a close family friend of ours, we’ve known her for years. I can’t believe you guys have never met! Jake never mentioned her?” He asks. I force a smile and shake my head ‘no.’ “Poppy invited her after you and Jake ended things… we knew you were on the fence about coming.” I know he’s reading my body language and can tell I'm trying to keep it cool. He throws an arm around my shoulder and tugs me into his side. “Play nice, mama. And don't stress about it. You’re going to get wrinkles before you’re thirty.” 
“Hmph” I grumble. He pecks a platonic kiss to the top of my head, comfortingly and walks over to Poppy and Savannah.  
See, I’m not lying but I’m not being completely truthful either. I know who Savannah is. Her name has come up in conversations at family gatherings and I’ve seen her in pictures from Kiszka family vacations but I’ve never met her in person. In fact I remember a very specific argument Jake and I had a few months ago around why I’d never met the girl his mother claims is ‘like one of her own.’
I instantly have my guard up. Savannah doesn’t acknowledge my presence, instead catching Poppy in a hug; squealing out a hello. “Thanks for inviting me, Pops!” she says. Finally mustering up the courage to pry my eyes off of her, I look over to Jake who is walking towards me. 
“Hello, lo–”, Jake stops himself, “Uh, hey, glad to see you made it safely” He finishes. I feel my heart crack painfully. 
“Hey, yeah, you too…” I reply weakly. He wanders off, grabbing his bag to toss into his tent with Danny and Sam. Meanwhile, Ronnie shows Sav to my tent, making herself cozy instantly. 
“Haven't you heard that if you keep your face all scrunched up, it’ll get stuck like that?” I hear Sam’s voice in my ear. I didn’t even realize how furrowed my eyebrows were and how intense my stare was until his words hurled me back to reality. I relax my face immediately, closing my eyes. 
“I need a minute.” I breathe as I quickly and quietly shuffle down the path toward the creek.  
__________
“Shit, we really need more firewood.” Danny states from his camping chair. He’s been doing his very best to keep the dwindling flames alive. 
“Nose goes!” Sam shouts and instantly everyone touches their finger to their nose. 
Josh being the slowest to play along moseys back into the forest to fetch more wood. 
“Josh! Wait for me!” Poppy yells out, Josh gladly stops dead in his tracks and waits for her, turning around to smile, reaching his hand out to take hers. 
“If I were to light this joint… would anyone want to partake?” Sam asks, leaving half a grin on his face. 
“Dumb question, Sam. I call fresh greens!” Ronnie says, leaping over the pitiful smoking embers of what’s left of the fire to grab the joint from Sam’s fingers. 
“Next dibs!” I say, Jake huffing out a questionable groan from across the firepit. 
I am praying to whatever god is out there that this changes the tone for the night. We all pass the joint around, of course following the “puff-puff-pass” rule. 
By the cough Sav lets out, I'm going to assume this is her first time smoking. Odd, considering the group of people she’s so close with. 
“Now, everyone say ‘Thank you, Poppy’” Poppy sings, emerging from the treeline, hands full of kindling while Josh follows behind her, balancing full logs in his arms. 
“Thank you Poppy” We chorus back to her. As Sam stokes the fire, Josh and Poppy pour themselves drinks and we all gather around the flames, Danny pulling out his guitar, persuading us to start chanting our favorite songs. My mood has improved significantly from this morning and everyone else seems to be having a good time, too. 
As I go to grab a beer, I see Sav walk over to Danny’s truck, “Hey, Dan! Toss me your keys!” He hurls them over to her and she catches them in both hands. A beeping sound comes from the distance as the trunk opens and we see her rummaging around for something. I see a tiny glimmer of light flicker before I hear Savannah start to sing, “Happy birthday to you” the rest of the group follows suit and joins in. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear twins, happy birthday to you!” Walking towards the boys, she places a cupcake in each of their hands before settling back into her seat, a little too close to Jake. She pats his back, “Now make a wish birthday boy” Their birthday isn’t even until tomorrow…
I can’t seem to tear my eyes away from the candle on his stupid cupcake as I spiral. I should be sitting next to him. I should be whispering a wish into his ear, promising to fulfill it after we tuck into our sleeping bags. I should be wearing his warm socks because I forgot mine. Sharing the flashlight on his phone while we brush our teeth in the dark. Reminding him to take a tylenol before bed because he’s been drinking and to make sure he gets a good night's sleep because we have a big day tomorrow. I should be there laying beside him on his birthday morning and kissing him awake. 
When I finally drag my eyes up to his, he’s already looking at me from across the fire. Responding to Savannah’s nudge for him to make a wish, he says “Oh, I have.” He lifts his cupcake in the air toward Josh and they blow their candles out in sync as we all cheer. I Immediately break his gaze and scoot closer to the fire as it starts getting a bit colder outside. To be fair, I think it's been cold, but we’ve all been a bit too intoxicated to really notice. 
“It’s getting a bit chilly out here,” Sav says, rubbing her arms with her palms trying to create friction. 
Without even blinking, Jake quickly starts slipping off his flannel and hands it to her. Fuck. It’s getting harder and harder to convince myself that Jake is just being the sweet, generous friend he is and not anything more. I see Sam visibly wince from beside me and I feel him reach over and firmly squeezes my knee. Sam has always seemed to know exactly what to say and when to say it –even if he isn't using words. 
Allow me to interject and say that this is not a love story; don’t get it twisted. I’ve never thought of Sam as anything more than a damn good friend and my boyfriend's brother. I can’t say the same thing for him, though. Jake drunkenly let it slip to me, ages ago, not even a month into dating, that Sam had a huge crush on me. Jake and I both vowed to forget about it despite knowing that Sam is just shameless enough to admit it outright, if given the opportunity.  
Feeling like it’s time to start winding down for the night, I walk over to the cooler to grab some water. I need to take a few deep breaths and suppress the primal urge I feel to rip Sav–and Jake– a new one. Josh follows me, so I reach in and pull out a bottle for him too.
“Should've known you’d be the first to quit tonight, grandma.” He teases. I’m notoriously the first to fall asleep or call it a night when we’re all together. 
I chuckle, the water in my mouth nearly dribbling out onto my shirt. “What can I say, sleep is my first love.
“Speaking of love-” Josh starts 
“Josh, you don’t have to-” I interject.
“I just wanted to reassure you that Sav is a close friend. But that’s all she is. A friend.” Josh smiles warmly. 
“Yeah, you guys keep saying that…” I feel that pit in my stomach again as Josh gives me a pity smirk in return. 
“Alright guys, I think I’m off to bed. I’m gonna need my sleep if we plan on hiking tomorrow” I announce to the group. I go around the fire giving everyone a hug goodnight, accepting their ribbing and teasing over going to bed ‘so early’. 
Trying to be nice, I include both Jake and Sav a weak hug. “Ronnie and I will try to be quiet when coming to bed later!” Sav offers. I shuffle my way back to the tent, crawling into my mattress made of nothing but blankets. The mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion of the day catches up to me immediately and the second my head hits the pillow, I’m out cold. 
—------------------
I wake up to the maddening sound of someone scratching on the outside of my tent. My eyes fly open, completely confused about what time it is, what day it is- even unsure of the year. Yesterday exhausted me. I don't even remember hearing Sav or Ronnie come to bed. I’m about to roll over and go back to sleep until I see a tall shadow moving around outside the tent. Pulling the covers over my head, begging for just a few more minutes alone, I try to pretend I’m asleep. 
I hear the tent slowly unzip. Please just go away. I pray silently, but I realize God hates me as I feel someone grab my big toe and squeeze. Sam. “Jeez, Pumpkin, are you gonna wake up anytime soon?” He teases, stumbling into the tent and crawling into my makeshift bed. He lays on his side, body right up against mine, head propped in his hand. Absolutely zero boundaries or personal space with Sam and that's just something you learn to accept about him after knowing him for years. 
“Where is everyone?” I ask, poking my head out from the covers once I realize it’s just the two of us in here. I keep the blanket over my mouth because I can taste my horrendous morning breath. 
“Well, we figured we’d let you sleep for as long as you needed, but, breakfast is almost ready.” He explains, eyes meeting mine. 
“I’m fasting today.” I lie. “Gonna do some soul searching and meditate in here.”
“Bullshit.” He calls me out, finally pulling the blanket from over my mouth. “You’re being a pussy because it’s Birthday Day.” 
I gasp; a mock horrified expression on my face. “I resent that, Samuel.”
“Resent it all you want, Pumpkin, you’re gonna have to face the music at some point today.” He rolls so that he's flat on his back next to me. It’s silent for a moment, both of us just staring up through the mesh window in the ceiling of the tent. 
“Sam?” I ask. He hums out an acknowledgement. “I am a pussy.” I confess. It’s quiet for another beat. 
“I disagree.” He finally says. “I think it’s pretty brave of you to come anyway. For Josh. And for the rest of us. Despite. Ya know...” 
“Yeah. I know.” I reply, rolling my head to the side to watch him. “Thanks.” His head rolls toward mine and his lips quirk up into a smile. 
“Alright!” He claps. “As they say, ‘wakey wakey, eggs and bakey’!” He jolts upright and shuffles to his feet, crouching in the small space. 
“Literally, no one says that Sam.” I groan, trying to find the will power to move my body. 
He turns to me once more after stepping out onto the dewey grass.“And if nothing else gets you up, maybe brushing your teeth will ‘cause your breath smells like ass.” I throw a pillow at him, shy by about two feet. “Come on! You’ve gotta come see this fancy stove that Danny has” 
“Trust me, I know all about that fucking stove”, I mutter under my breath as Sam walks out toward the picnic table. 
I give myself one more minute to prepare myself for the day. It’s a new day. It’s Jake's birthday. C’mon baby, let’s just keep things light and fun today. I hype myself up enough to throw my shoes and beanie on and stumble out of the tent. 
Immediately, I'm regretting waking up in the first place, coming on this trip, being born, all of it. The first thing I see is Jake sitting on the ground in front of Sav’s chair, her fingers crafting a braid into his hair. He looks completely blissed out. He loves getting his hair played with. Eyes closed. Smile on his face. I know that look. My fingers used to be the reason behind that look. 
“Oh shit, I don’t have an extra hair tie… Ronnie, do you have one you could spare?” Sav questions, locking eyes with me instantly. A flicker of panic washes over her features but she masks it with a feeble smile.  
“Actually, I have one right here”, Jake quickly interjects. I watch him slip the hair tie off of his wrist. It’s my fucking hair tie. He must still have it from the last time I braided his hair for him. I know it’s mine because I specifically have to buy ones for thick hair. They’re wider in size and flat. I walk over to the picnic table, taking a seat next to Ronnie. “Oh, I didn’t realize you were up yet”, Jake panics as soon as he opens his eyes and sees me.
“Yep, happy birthday boys”, I say cheerfully, remembering the pep talk I gave myself this morning. The tension in this open space is palpable. 
“Pancakes?” Danny asks the group and we all grab our plates. 
Jake is relatively hard to read, he’s shy and generally beats around the bush. But I know him. I know his expressions, mannerisms, body language, thought processes and behavior patterns and at this point, I think it’s clear that he’s moving on. So, I’m going to try my best to accept that for today. One day at a time. We can hash the rest out at a later time. We don’t need to do it here surrounded by all of our friends–and family. 
“Check out the stove! You guys picked out just the perfect one” Danny credits us. I look over to Jake who’s already looking at me. I can’t help but chuckle out a laugh. I don’t think I have ever seen someone so giddy over a damn stove. Jake returns my smile and laughs along, looking down at his shoes. 
—------------------
After cleaning up from breakfast, we get ready for the big birthday hike. Josh has not stopped talking about this hike since the day he and Poppy started planning this trip, months ago. This ought to be interesting. Josh, Lord help him, is arguably one of the worst people in the world to hike with. The man can turn a two-hour long hike into a six-hour long journey. Constantly stopping at every peak, landmark, field of flowers, even the gravel pits, for Christ’s sake. I’m all for taking in the beauty surrounding you, but even I have my limits. Let’s just get this show on the road, it was after all, the twins' one birthday request.
“Daniel, my good man, please bring forth the magic fungus for our trip into Mother Nature’s bosom.” Josh bellows, emerging from his tent. Danny smiles, pulling a baggie of mushrooms out of his backpack, shaking it with the biggest grin on his face.
“Fuck yeah!” Sam cheers as we all gather around, waiting like baby birds with our hands out for Danny to give us each our share.  
“Bajabule!” Josh chants out, tossing back his little handful.
‘Fuck it’ I mumble to Ronnie, hooking her arm in mine as we place the mushrooms on our tongues. 
“Jesus” Poppy scrunches up her face “I will never get used to that.” She gags. Josh bellows out a cackling laugh, pulling her in for a sloppy, smacking kiss. 
“Onward, brethren!” Josh exclaims, outstretching his hand toward the mouth of the trail. We all follow suit behind him. This should be interesting. Without tripping, a 2 hour hike with the Kiszka family takes upwards of 5 hours, so I’m anticipating this to be a whole day event. We walk for about half an hour or so before the water in the creek starts to look like glitter and the highlights in Danny’s hair start to glow. 
We make a pit stop in a flower field–courtesy of Josh–so we can eat the sandwiches that we brought along for lunch. By this hour, the bread is soggy, the deli meat is freakishly warm, and the lettuce is wilted. But, on the brightside… I’m too inebriated to really give a shit. 
“I wish we would have packed anything, but sandwiches”, Jake says, as he chokes down another bite. Everyone giggling in harmony. 
“Yeah, honestly… Who’s fucking idea was this?” Danny asks. 
“It was Josh’s idea, I wanted charcuterie, but the birthday boy haaaad to have sandwiches”, Ronnie says, nudging Josh’s arm, making sure he knows that she’s playing around. 
After we finish up lunch, we head back onto the trail. Josh acting as our tour guide, pointing out different flowers and moss patterns and birds. He makes us stop a few times to instruct us to: “Just close your eyes and breathe. What is the wind telling you?” He asks. What a loaded fucking question for eight people high off their asses on psychadelic mushrooms. It’s the middle of the afternoon so the sun is high in the sky, beating down ruthlessly on us as we break out of the trees and into the open air. 
“Josh, can you carry me?” Poppy whines, dragging her feet. 
“We’re almost to the river, lover– then we can take a break.” He presses a kiss to her cheek. One by one we all start to strip layers of clothing. Sam’s shirt is gone instantly, Josh’s scarf is now around his head, keeping his hair off of his forehead. Jake’s flannel is tied around his waist and I’m down to my sports bra and bike shorts. “See, there it is.” He points toward the water. 
With a squeal of excitement, Ronnie takes off running first and we all follow suit, shedding clothing as we go. The second my feet splash into the water, I feel euphoric. I look down and watch as the water ebbs and flows around my ankles, licking up my legs gloriously. I imagine the minnows in the river stopping by to kiss my toes and suddenly there they are. Dozens of them. Some whisper ‘hello’s to me. I’m completely lost in my hallucination when I feel a cold splash of water rain down on me. I squeal as I’m pulled back into real life. Sam watching me, waiting for me to retaliate. I rush forward, splashing him back as he runs through the waist deep water until he’s swimming away from me. Trying to catch up with him to properly get him back, I slip on a slimy, algae covered rock, sending me plummeting into the water. 
The pressure of the water around me is comforting, like a weighted blanket. I feel myself longing to slip lower and lower as the water gets colder, the further I fall. Before I can truly appreciate the weightless feeling of sinking deeper, I feel arms around me, pulling me up through the water. I gasp and inhale dramatically as soon as my head breaches the surface. When I open my eyes, it’s Jake whose arms are around me. I cough and sputter water out through my nose and mouth.
“Jesus, what are you doing? You scared the shit out of me.” He states, slight panic in his tone and features. I’m still huffing in and out, trying to fill my lungs with oxygen. 
“Sorry, sorry” I say, my head feeling light from the effects of the psilocybin in my system. My hands are still clutching his biceps and his are around my waist, supporting primarily all of my weight. To my left I see that our friends have all drifted much further away from me than I realized. “I got lost in the feeling.” I explain. My heart clenches in my chest as his eyes sweep over my face, trying to read me. 
“Are you okay?” He asks. I’m about to reassure him that yes, I’m fine– just swallowed a little too much river water when I decide that I’m not quite sure he was referring to the water at all. 
“Um.” I hesitate. His grip on me loosens a bit and he settles me back on the riverbed, stabilizing me before letting go. “Yes.” I finally respond, head clearing a bit now that we’re not so close. “I’m fine, I might've acquired a rare parasite from drinking too much river water, but I’ll live.” His expression softens at that and I even see a glimmer of a smile. 
“Well then come on, no more water for you.” He scolds, playfully. “You can’t be trusted.”  He gestures for me to accompany him back to the shore, everyone else seeing us and following along to start the trek back to the campsite. 
—--------------
After a solid seven hour hike, we finally make it back to camp, everyone winding down and getting ready to make dinner and gather around the fire for the night. As if we haven’t had an eventful day already, Poppy starts passing out beers to everyone. The annual birthday shotgun; lovely. 
“Cheers to a fantastic weekend!” Ronnie shouts, all of us raising our cans in the air, taking a knee and chugging the beer. 
“Jake, will you make me a s’more?” Sav asks, puppy dog eyes on full display. “Gonna need a fire first, love.” He teases back. Before he can even say it, everyone touches their finger to their nose. “Sam, you’re up.” Jake calls. Sam whips his head around from where he was–distracted, and quickly trying to change the subject so he’s not the one stuck rummaging around in the forest for wood.
“Who wants a shot?! Shots anyone?!” Sam asks, making a desperate attempt to change the subject.
“I’d love one– you got tequila?” Sav asks, practically leaping from her seat. 
“Yeah, I’ll take one too”, I say. I can feel Jake’s eyes darting towards me. He knows I hate taking shots of anything, unless I'm desperate for an escape from reality.
“Okay, yeah, I guess we’re all taking shots then…” Jake huffs out, sounding a tad concerned, his hand running through his hair like it always does when he gets uncomfortable.
“Yeah, yeah… let’s have a couple more shots, and thennnn Sam will go get firewood”, Ronnie says, letting Sam know he is not off the hook. 
“Alright fine, but I need someone to come with me and hold the flashlight.”
—--------------
“Sam, you have to point the flashlight where we’re walking, I can’t see shit.” I chide, laughing as I hear him curse, stumbling over a tree stump. We’ve been looking for dry wood for what feels like forever, but I’m sure it’s only been about 5 minutes. 
“Sorry, I can’t focus, I think the shrooms are still fucking with my head.” He laughs back. 
“Clearly” I shoot back. 
“Oh, coming from you!” He heckles. “10 bucks says you couldn't even tie your shoe right now after the four beers you shot gunned back there.” 
“Okay, okay you’ve got a point.” I laugh, knowing he’s right. We’re both fucked up and probably the last two they should’ve sent out on this mission. Trying to walk and laugh proves to be too much of an obstacle and I feel my foot hook on a tree root--sending me flying forward on my hands and knees.
“Oh, fuck!” Sam cries out, still laughing. “Are you okay?” He kneels next to me, reaching for my bicep to help me up.
“Flashlight. That was your job, Samuel. The flashlight.” I reprimand as I let him help me to my feet. 
“Shit, you’re bleeding.” His tone softens a bit. “Here, come here.” He takes my hand, guiding me to sit on a giant rock a few feet away. He kneels in front of me, taking my calf in his hand. He hands me the flashlight-- “here, your turn” and with the tip of his finger, he prods the scrape on my knee.”
“Ouch, you fuck!” I shove his shoulder, causing him to fall back on his ass, laughing. 
“Sorry, sorry, I’m trying to help.” He apologizes. “Here. Just needs to be cleaned up a bit.” He takes my calf in his hand again and analyzes the mark. He makes a guttural sound, signifying he’s about to spit on my knee. My hand flies to cover his mouth immediately.
“Don’t you dare!” I shriek, biting back a laugh. 
“I’m joking, I’m joking!” He protests even though I’m 110% positive he was not, in fact, joking. I thank God that we’re right next to the creek bank as he pulls his shirt off and dips the corner of it into the water. 
“Innovative” I praise as he gently dabs the cut on my knee. “If I didn’t know better, I’d assume this was all just a ploy for you to take your shirt off.”
His smirk widens, but his eyes stay focused on my leg as he says, “If this were about getting our clothes off, I’d have made sure you fell on your ass.” My heart skips a beat and it's unfamiliar; this feeling. It’s been weeks, an entire month and two weeks to be exact since I’ve had any physical attention and my body is reacting on primal instinct. 
I catch my mind wandering as he works on my knee; his face soft in the light of the flashlight. I’m not sure if it's the leftover effects of the mushrooms, the beer, or the flood of emotions I've been battling this weekend, but at this moment, I’m noticing things I haven't before. Like the crease in the tip of his nose. The length of his eyelashes as they swish up and down when he blinks. The hair in between his eyebrows that don’t quite meet but bunch together in concentration as he takes my left hand in his to inspect it for scrapes and dirt. I notice the sharp peaks in the cupid’s bow of his top lip and how plump and soft his lower one is. 
Getting lost in his features, I find myself reaching out to brush the loose hair that’s fallen into his face behind his ear. So quietly, I’m sure I could be mishearing, a low hum escapes his throat in approval. Chasing that approval further, I move the same hand from behind his ear up into his hair, scratching at his scalp gently with my blunt fingernails. The hum that comes out next is louder this time, unmistakable as his eyes flutter closed. 
“Sammy,” I begin. 
“Hmm?” His eyes open again, slowly, finally meeting mine. 
“Wanna hear a secret?” I ask, tugging my fingers from his scalp and brushing them through the strands on my way down to his shoulder. 
“I love secrets.” He smiles, shifting on his knees until his face is only about a foot from mine. 
I smile back at his eagerness, cupping my hand and bringing my lips close to his ear, I whisper, “I heard you used to have a crush on me.” His hands move to rest on my thighs as he draws back to look at my face.
“Is that so?” He asks. I nod back, confirming. “Didn’t know that was a secret.” His head cocking to the side. 
My eyebrows raise in surprise. “Really? Well it was news to me.” 
“What’s with all this past tense verbiage, here?” He asks, his fingers tightening playfully on my thighs. “‘Used to have a crush’, ‘it was a surprise’.” I feel the blood rush to my cheeks, the blush ruining my cover instantly. 
“What are you trying to say, Sammy?” I dare to prod, teasing lightly but there’s a bite to my tone. It’s not until his nose is nearly brushing mine that I realize we’ve been slowly inching magnetically closer to one another. “Sam?” I whisper, so close now that I feel the strands of his hair tickling my cheek. His eyes flicker from my lips back up to my eyes and I can taste his warm breath on my tongue. 
My mouth is watering in anticipation and my heart is pounding. I'm certain he can hear it. The birds in the trees can probably hear it. I feel his lower lip graze mine and we both flinch as if we’ve been electrocuted. He whispers my name into my mouth and I inhale it like a vapor. A beat passes where we just exchange shaky breaths, our lips brushing every so often, his hands moving up my thighs, grasping my hips, fists clenching the denim of my shorts. “Sam.” I say once again, this time more like a shallow moan.   
“Do you want to know a secret, too?” He asks, pecking a feather light kiss to my bottom lip. 
“Uh huh” I whimper pathetically. 
“I think you have a crush on me too.” He whispers. “I can feel it.” He breathes. “Right here.” His hand moves from my hip to my chest, pressing his palm over my heart. “Feels like hummingbird wings.”  
“Sam.” I blink slowly, feeling lightheaded and blinded by desire. I rest my forehead against his. My only thoughts are yes and touch me and please. 
“Tell me.” He pushes. “Tell me you want me to touch you. I need to hear you say it.”  
“I-” I swallow thickly, feeling my pulse in my temples now, face getting hotter as my fingers thread through his hair. “I want you to touch me. Please.” 
And then… 
Finally. Finally, his lips properly smash against mine. It’s messy and it’s hot and there are too many teeth involved but my body reacts instantly. He presses his naked chest to mine, wrapping his arms around me, squeezing. Our lips make a smacking sound as we part. I lean away to tug my shirt over my head and pull him back into me. As soon as our lips meet again, his hands are on my chest, tugging the cups of my bra down. His hands squeeze my breasts roughly, making me cry out. I reach behind myself and unhook the clasp, giving him full access to my chest. 
He’s gripping my hip so tightly with his left hand that I can feel his pinky ring digging into me. It feels like it’s striking right through to my bone, but I can only hope that he squeezes harder. 
“Fuck” he groans, his lips darting kisses down my neck straight to the buds of my nipples. The expletives that tumble out of my mouth would make my mother blush as he bites down and rolls the hardened nub between his teeth and tongue. “Yeah?” He asks, completely and entirely sure of himself. 
“Yeah.” I answer. With one hand gripping the life out of my hip, his other goes down to play with the torn shreds on the hem of my cut off denim shorts, teasing his fingertips up the inside of my thigh slowly. “Do it.” I encourage him. His lips pop off my breast and his eyes meet mine. 
“Do what, exactly?” He asks, his fingers brushing the skin between my core and my thigh. So close. “Tell me how you like it, baby” he brings his cheek to mine, his lips to my ear. “You want my fingers?” His lips kiss wetly down the column of my neck to my collar bone and my hips roll against the rock I’m still sitting on, trying to get some friction. His tongue swipes a hot line from my clavicle to my ear and he bites the lobe, “Or my tongue?” I can’t help the whine that squeaks past my lips. Before I can respond he says “I want to taste you. I need to know if you taste better than I imagine you do.” 
“Fuck” I whisper.
“When I’m in the shower.” He adds, his fingers slipping past the cotton of my panties and feeling me properly. “Touching myself.” He presses a kiss to my cheek. 
“Thinking about me?” I ask. Instead of answering, he curves his finger inside of me, sliding it against my walls. I gasp when he hits the spot behind my clit. 
“There she is.” He smirks. “‘Course I’m thinkin’ about you, pumpkin.” His finger starts moving relentlessly inside me. “You get me so hot.” His other hand grabs mine from where it’s tangled in the hair at the base of his neck and he brings it down to press against the bulge in his shorts. These goddamn purple short shorts… 
My hand starts moving on its own accord and I palm him, squeezing around where I feel the head of his cock. Feeling brave, I ask “this for me?” He huffs out a breath, eyes closing briefly. “Jesus, Sammy you’re so fucking pretty.” His lips press against mine once before he pulls his fingers out of me and stands up, guiding me with him. Instantly settling back onto his knees, he pulls my shorts and panties down in one swift motion. 
“Sit.” He commands. I obey, my ass pressing uncomfortably onto the rock again. “Up.” He taps his shoulders with his hands. Getting the picture, I lift my legs up and bend my knees over his shoulders. Without any other warning, he dips his tongue into my slit. 
His cold lips meet my lower half and the stubble on his upper lip causes the slightest, yet most arousing sensation to my clit. The prickle makes me squirm in the best way. I flutter my eyes open to look down at him. Both of his hands are gripping onto my hips, pulling me as close to him as humanly possible. 
“Fuck, you taste so good”, he says, briefly coming up for air and then quickly heading back down, hands reaching up to feel my chest. 
He moves his right hand away from my hip and before I can process what's about to come next, he’s pumping two fingers in and out of me. “So wet for me.” He grins cockily. I respond by arching my back, pressing myself further up into his mouth. 
“So close Sammy– just a little more” I pant out. 
“Cum for me, doll”, Sam responds, replacing his two fingers with his tongue again. Softly suckling on my clit, and before I know it, my release is washing over me but he’s not letting up. He continues to tease my entrance with his tongue and lips, making sure to brush my clit with the stubble on his upper lip. 
“I have to admit, I didn’t think you had it in you, Sammy”, I poke at him, sitting up slightly. 
“There’s a lot you don't know about me” He responds, lightly biting on my clit, hands scratching down my thighs like rakes.
“You ready for me?” he asks, wiping his mouth and popping his two fingers past his lips to taste me again. Sam stands in front of me, brushing his hair out of his face. He grabs my hands and pulls me up to him, grabbing me by the small of my back and kissing me deeply. 
“How do you want me, Sammy?” I ask. He answers by spinning me around and pinning me over the boulder, my chest flat on the smooth stone. 
I feel him bend over me, his lips coming close to my ear as he brushes the hair out of my face. “I’ll try and go easy on ya, Pumpkin”, I can hear his shorts hitting the dirt below him as he kicks them off to the side. 
He nudges my right foot with his, signaling for me to spread my legs a little wider. My fingers grip on to the edge of the boulder as I anticipate what's to come. 
Taking his cock and dragging it up and down through my folds, I finally feel him slip inside of me and fuck. He feels so good. My entire body sings out in relief as my walls contract around him instantly. I hear him trying to keep his breathing even as he stills inside me. 
“Just how I imagined it, God, you feel so fucking good”, he breathes out, starting to move a little as I get used to the size of him. 
“Okay.” I breathe once the stretch starts to make my heart pound. “Fuck me, Sam.” I beg and I’d be embarrassed about just how desperate I sound if I weren’t so completely blissed out. 
Once he starts moving, he’s going at a fast pace. I swear I can feel every nerve ending in my body and it feels like tiny fireworks being set off all at once. I could break a rib on this rock by the way he’s pounding into me and could not possibly care any less. 
“Wish I could see your face.” I breathe. “I bet you look so pretty fucking me.” I say, feeling close to climax again. Already. 
“Next time.” he responds and I can feel myself tensing around him. 
“I’m gonna…” I begin to say.
That’s when I hear it. Tree branches snapping and footsteps in the distance. Before I know it, there’s a flashlight in our faces. Still bent over this fucking rock, Sam still pounding in to me, moaning. Eyes closed, completely oblivious. 
Jake. 
I reach behind me and grab Sam’s wrist, alerting him to the presence of his brother. He opens his eyes and pulls out of me immediately, searching for his shorts. An impressive string of expletives leave his mouth. I follow his example, reaching down for my clothes and haphazardly pulling them on. 
Jake is standing before us, clapping his hands, shaking his head. 
“Wow.” He jeers. 
I feel like a deer in the headlights. What the fuck were we thinking?
“Happy birthday to me, I guess?” He snidely remarks, making a pause to collect his thoughts. “Well, Sam- got what you always wanted, I take it? How was she? Good, right?” Neither of us are able to say a word, just completely shocked and caught off guard. 
“Jake, let me explain, please-” I’m finally able to find my voice. 
“Let me guess. It’s not like that? Because from the looks of it, my little brother was just railing you from behind in the middle of the fucking woods. Try and tell me that I was seeing things; try.” I can tell by the tone of his voice that he’s both irate as well as deeply disappointed. 
“Please, just let me talk to you. Jake, can we please go somewhere to talk?” I ask. 
“Jake, I swear, we just got caught up in the moment.” Sam admits, eyes darting to me, to the ground, anywhere but Jake’s eyes. 
“No, fuck this. I’ll talk to you about this some other time. Perhaps when we all get home from this God forsaken fucking trip.” Jake says, turning on his heel and heading back toward camp. 
We follow after him, trying to get him to turn around and talk to us but he just picks up his speed. Unspokenly, we decide to give him some space. Upon reaching our camp, Jake instantly shouts, “night everyone” and storms into his tent. The group turns their heads in confusion, I don’t think they would've ever seen this one coming. 
“Wait, where’s the firewood?” Josh questions. 
“Couldn’t find any.” Sam responds curtly, opening up the back door of Josh’s Jeep to crawl into the backseat.
“Is everything okay?” Sav asks him. 
“Yeah, the tent just gets a little warm, so I’m gonna sleep here tonight”, He responds, closing the Jeep door. 
All eyes dart toward me, looking for answers. 
“Um- Okay, well…” Yeah fuck that. “See you guys in the morning.” I nearly whisper; crawling into my tent.
What the fuck just happened. 
To be continued...
Part III
Masterlist
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coolattasclown · 1 year
Text
how mystic powers work in space au:
Mystic powers can only be harnessed through technology, and its quite dangerous to be around all the time in its natural form. Its not really known what mystic power is, it can behave like a solid, liquid, plasma, etc. some speculate its alive somehow. It’s mainly used for space travel, creating portals across the universe or speeding up time to travel faster, maybe creating a shield around spaceships and colonies. Mystic weapons are not common, but people like Draxum have been experimenting with them. Here are everyones mystic weapons and powers (also if i get the names of the weapons wrong I’m sorry, I did some research before going into this but obviously I’ll get something wrong im no expert lol)
Leo: portals. duh. Similar to his usual stuff, it just fits I cant change it :( he has 2 ninjato swords.
Mikey: Mikey can speed up/slow down time. I liked the whole time portal thing he’s got going on in the movie but its a little similar to leo’s powers so i changed it a bit. he can swing his nunchucks so that it looks like a clock yknow??? clockwise or counterclockwise to speed up or slow down time respectively. I also. wanted funny nunchucks. bc i didnt know how to fit the yoyo into the theme of weapons/clock motif.
Raph: I was thinking forcefield type powers? Like he’s able to create some around his fists and tonfa for maximum punch damage. Also, very protective of brothers. so it fits B)
Donnie: Donnie is hard to think of cus in the show he doesn’t really use mystic weapons??? and in the movie its just. not really that interesting to me??? So in this au he mainly uses his mystic weapon for energy, taking a bit of the power from his kamayari and putting it into other machines to power them. This may make some machines sentient but im sure its fineee.
April: I think at the end of the show April has some mystic powers??? Anyways in this au I’m not sure she would have one. Maybe April would find one :0 anyways if she did get mystic powers they would b very energetic, probably some lightning type things that shoot out from her weapon. Maybe a crossbow. idk.
If they overuse their powers they could possibly risk killing/destroying the mystic powers in their weapons, which would be kinda bad :( The amount of mystic power influences the strength/cooldown time of a ship/weapon. so if you have an engine filled with mystic power and you try portal hopping away from danger, you’re probably fine. But if Leo tried opening a portal the size of a spaceship with relatively little mystic power in his sword, he would probably damage it pretty bad.
ALSO ALSO. The krang do this cool thing in the movie where they kinda take the tetles mystic powers somehow and that will definitely be expanded upon. The krang and mystic power probably originated on the same planet, and the krang learned to harvest it more effectively and quickly than any other creature. this lead to a boom in their technology and allowed them to conquer other places so quickly, but in the process they spread mystic power and now it’s all over the place.
if anyone has questions or want to add on pls dont b afraid to my brain is so full of space rn
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unknownjpegs · 2 months
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employee of the month
“Ben!” Maran beams across the threshold at the other man. He feels lighter for the sight of him stood on the doorstep. In one piece…relatively speaking. Temporary that status, isn’t it? Kind of fucking flimsy. Maran feels the same sort of helpless anticipation that he had with Benji, distance and hurt feelings aside. He’s waiting for the day Ben will turn up bloody again. Or worse than bloody. Or worse than that, even. Maran thinks about what might happen if doesn’t turn up again at all. And he’d have to find out the news from, well, who exactly? Xavier? And how long after? Would he find out at all? Would he —
Maran is aware his smile’s fallen a bit, so he hides his face in the hug he pulls Ben into, fingers wormed under his arms to tuck around his back. He doesn’t pull any punches to smush them together as best he can.
“By the way,” he starts, dropping his head back to the ceiling to avoid a kiss. It gets placed to his throat instead. “Ben. Anika’s here.”
“Anika’s here?” Benny takes an involuntary step back, glancing back and forth between Maran and the entryway. His eyes narrow shrewdly instead of widening in fear.
He steps in front of the door to his bedroom, hands up. “Not, like, around here. Put her away when you texted.”
Benny stares at him, halted with one foot still behind. He’s poised like he’s ready to run at any moment — or maybe drag Maran between him and snapping jaws. Not that they ever would, just that Maran’s got the funny image in his head now. He smiles and is snatched up quickly, jaw cradled for the brief entirety of a chaste, yet firm, kiss.
“B-because you know I don’t like dogs, you put the d-dog away.” He squishes Marian’s smiling cheeks, shakes his face. “The dog you’re w-watching for your best friend? Because… you’re just th-that nice a guy?”
Maran raises a corrective finger. “Anika is my god daughter, actually, so get that straight. S’basically law that I’ve gotta babysit.”
In response, Benny snatches him close again. This time into an iron-tight crushing thing that might not even be a hug. Like he’s trying to atomize them both. Maran wheezes a bit for effect and then huffs out a laugh when he does feel really truly breathless, squirming to free his arms and push half-heartedly.
“Please, I’m a professional. I’m on the job, Ben.”
“I wish I could squeeze you into fuckin’ d-dust, man.” Benny’s groan is muffled in his neck. Maran shivers at the scratch of facial hair, making a hysterical sort of airy noise that signals a laughing fit. “And then snort it. Holy shit. Shut up, are you joking me? S-Stop. Jesus.”
*
Benny’s there for a few months, but Anika only a week. And Maran is determined to prove she’s a fantastic guest over the course of it. He’s not trying to fix or solve anything on Benny’s end — knows more about the live-wire linger of fear to even be stupid enough to try. So they take it slow at first. She sits dutifully in her crate at the end of the night and only looks at him a little morosely when she’s shut out from the bedroom. Maran is dutiful about keeping Benny warned when she needs to be let out and they’ll have to briefly occupy the same space.
And when they do, Anika watches him like a hawk. She always watches Ben like a hawk, her eyes big and knowing, chin dropped low to keep him in range. Maran can see why it makes him nervous, but that instinct isn’t aggression. It’s the same response Maran himself had received their first meeting. She’d squirmed into his lap belly up, using the demand for scratches as a method to distract him from some difficult story or another he’d been relaying to Benji.
Benny takes his cigarettes on the balcony while Anika watches from inside. Oh kid, is how she looks at him. How she looks at Maran mid-panic attack. Oh, kid. All sympathy, like she gets it. Maran imagines she’s got the pleasantly raspy voice of a veteran waitress. The honey-sweetheart-baby sort. Oh kid, that’s rough. Let me help you out.
*
On their third day watching Anika, Benny’s gotten comfortable enough sitting on the couch with her at the other end of the room. Maran calls her over and sends across the small space at Benny’s request. Sort of like a parade. Showing off how she’ll listen, stay focused, she won’t attack. Benny still watches her hawk-like in return, his feet tucked up on the cushions.
“You know,” Maran says, watching him stiffen upright as Anika passes by slightly closer than before. She sits near the door to the patio, her flank pressed against cool glass.“She doesn’t go after the ducks. Or anything, for that matter. She won’t bite you.”
Ben glances over, expression skittishly wary. His laugh is high, croaky, nervous. “Oh, thanks. You know, Mar, like how a picture of the ocean c-can’t get you from a screen, right? That’s on me. How fucking silly. Forgot how to act rational.”
Maran scrunches his mouth, feeling his mood sour. “Don’t be a prick.”
“Then y-you gotta try not stating the obvious.”
He scoffs. “Yeah, right, because everything I say should be taken literally.” Maran leans forward in the chair, smacking his hands together a few times. “Not like it was an example to attempt to, I dunno, help you be a tiny bit more at ease? ‘Cuz that’s what I’m trying to do. Help.”
Benny’s eyebrows hitch high, his look of guilt theatric and snide. “Oh my fucking God, Mar, I’m so sorry. Thank you so much. I didn’t consider how you were feeling about all this.” His arm tosses to the side. “In your nightmare scenario, dude. My bad.”
Maran sighs dismissively. Realizes as it’s leaving him, breathless and low, how cruel and condescending it sounds. It has a visible effect, that tone. Benny’s real in tune with how peoples’ voices go when they’re feeling cruel and condescending. Had to be. Maran, too. They’ve talked a little about those: the similarities. Not in great lengths, but enough to recognize the lingering ripple of that dropped stone in the pond.
All the heat of the argument goes out of him at that realization. At the tinge of panic beneath Benny’s own bubbling temper.
“You’re definitely transferring on me,” Maran says softly. He can tell the even tone pricks at Benny’s temper, sounds too much like pity. So he holds his palms up to placate the sharp glare his words earn. “Listen, okay? It’s hard. M’not saying it isn’t. But — look at how comfortable you are with her.”
“I’m not comfortable with the fucking dog.” Benny hisses. His throat bobs anxiously and his next blink is long. Maran watches his chest heave deep in a breath meant to self-soothe. “I am not comfortable with the dog.”
“Yeah?” Maran puts his elbow to his knee, chin propped in his palm. He looks towards the ground with a slowly growing smile. “Dunno, she’s good at her job I think.”
“Holy shit, I’m sure she’s employee of the month.” Benny grumbles. “Doesn’t mean we’re cool like that.”
“No?” Maran makes eye contact with Anika, where she’s sat beside his bouncing knee. “What’s that about, then?”
Benny’s own blue ones snap open, glaring at Maran in confusion before the drop. He stares for a moment at Anika where she leans against his calf, but more importantly, at pale fingers stroking rhythmically between her ears. Her tongue’s out, her shiny button eyes blinking slowly up at Ben. At some point, she’s crossed the room to nudge herself under his hand as it dangles off the couch, provide something tactile as he got worked up. Well-trained dog, she is. Maran grins.
“Mar.”
“Yeah.”
Anika settles onto her hip, one paw splayed out in a way that makes him laugh. But Benny doesn’t — Benny winces as the dog leans into him. And although his whole body gives a shudder, his hand doesn’t move from he top of her head. It pets once more, actually.
“She’s therapizing me, man.”
Maran tosses his head back and laughs. “Good at her job. Told you so.”
*
When it’s time for her to go home, Benny watches from inside. He peeks from one of the two windows in Maran’s unit as Anika is handed back off to Benji, leaping up into the backseat of their truck to be buckled in. Maran leaves both of them off with a squeezing hug and messy departing kiss to the forehead. Although it’s raining, Maran stays on his step waving for a second before darting back into the flat. When he slips back in, the big expanse of outside just starting to make his ears ring with anxiety, Benny falls over him like a draped blanket. He wipes the warm afternoon drizzle from Maran’s scalp.
“Thanks, Mar,” Benny says, using the leverage of his weight over Maran to stumble them both into the living room. They fall onto the couch, sliding it enough to knock against the wall.
“What’d I do?” He laughs, accepting the series of kisses over both his cheeks with a squirming giggle.
“You know.” Benny scoffs. He uses Maran’s chin to tilt his face to the side, make them look at one another. His breath catches in his chest. “Don’t act like y-you don’t.”
Maran tucks back into the pillows more, settling back in an invitation Benny accepts immediately, smoothly crawling up from the end until Maran is properly pinned.
“I told you that she was nice. And that you’d like her.”
“I don’t like her.” Benny lies. He trails the back of his fingers down Maran’s cheek, leaving it to flush at the gentlenesss. They bask in that for a moment until Maran is too shy to keep it up, letting his eyes slip shut. Benny flattens on top of him comfortably. He feels sometimes like he’s so hollowed out that he’ll float with too much air in him, so it’s good to have someone keep him grounded.
“Benji asked if I’d watch her next time they’re off somewhere exciting. She doesn’t get on with his sister’s old girl. Plus I’m closer.” Benny lifts up on his elbows. He waits for Maran to smile and finish. “I said sure…” he plucks at his knuckles, examines his fingernails, looks up through his lashes. Y’know. Long as you don’t mind.”
Icy blue stares down at him for a long, long moment. Then Maran’s gathered up into another biting, consumingly desperate kiss. Benny tugs him up off the bed slightly with a fist in his shirt. When he’s finally unhanded and bounces back down the mattress, he knows for a fact the smile on his swollen mouth is dreamy instead of smug.
“Because you’re always here, get it? So I wanna get your permission in case you don’t want Anika—” He’s kissed soundly again. Maran laughs breathlessly and, incentivized, goes for it again: “Fuckin’ hell, do I get to talk —”
“No,” Benny repeats between even more. “No. Now sh-shut up before I do something insane.”
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captains-simp · 3 years
Note
hey! so i love wanda and i was wondering if you could write one kind of enemies to lovers or something like that where reader and wanda don't get along well, jealous scene or maybe a very suggestive fight. very angst but happy fluffy ending please
Enemies to lovers owns my whole gay heart and I CANNOT write it without there being sexual tension so xksksjsks smut alert
@g-cordelia hope it's okay to combine your request with this too so there's a healthy dose of angst and fluff with it
Tumblr media
"Please don't go."
"Don't you fucking lie to me."
Warnings: choking, fingering, spanking, strap on sex, mentions of oral and hints at mild injury
6k words
[ masterlist ]
Buy me a coffee ☕
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Your actions jeopardised the whole mission." Steve said sternly before raising his voice when he saw he received no reaction from you or the redhead. "Whatever is going on between you has to stop!"
"You say that like it's ever been any different." Natasha added.
The pair that usually felt like the protective big brother and sister of the team where acing the role of disappointed parents. Admittedly that did make you feel bad, but Wanda showed no signs of giving an apology and you would be damned if you did first.
Natasha and Steve waited for any kind of response from either of you and got nothing. You and Wanda continued to glare at each other from opposite sides of the table, your stubnorness stopping either of you from looking at the two standing at the head of the table.
"Just write up your reports." Steve sighed, giving into the tension of the room before anyone else. If it had been just you, Wanda and Natasha there was no telling how long you'd be in there.
You both got up from the table at the same time, still refusing to break eye contact.
"Y/n stay behind a minute." Oh so they're switching it up to disappointed teachers now. Your attention fell to Steve in a look of confusion although that didn't mean you missed the smirk that played on the corner of Wanda's lips. You cursed her like a sailor in your head and hoped she heard but her back was to you and she was strolling out the room.
"I thought you guys were getting better." Steve sighed as he leant against the table.
"We were when we didn't have to talk to each other." You said honestly. There had been a few weeks prior where you and Wanda had had no missions together and therefore had no reason to talk or train with one another.
"You can't resort to avoiding each other as a way to solve your problems. All that does is make things escalate even more when you're actually together which will inevitably happen. Because believe it or not you two are on the same side and have to act like it." Natasha said sternly. You stared down at the table and thought about how how her words were. But it wasn't like you had that warning before.
When the pair infront of you knew you weren't going to say anything in response Steve filled the silence once again. "You're both suspended from missions until you can learn to work together." He decided.
"What?!" You cried as you snapped your head towards them and stood up. "You can't be serious."
"Deadly." Natasha said. You looked frantically between the two in disbelief.
"Alright." You said finally and clenched your jaw. You turned around and left the room without objection from the two Avengers, heading straight towards Wanda's room.
You never really knew why you and Wanda never got on. Maybe it was because she reminded you so much of the popular girls in high school you always envied while wanting them in your bed...no, it definetly couldn't be that. You just didn't know what.
It didn't take long to get there when you were walking like you were out for blood, that wouldn't be an unexpected result of what you planned. You banged on her door several times in a closed fist so it didn't take her long to answer.
She looked concerned when she opened the door and as soon as she realised it was you that same smirk from the meeting room fell back into place.
"Did they ground you?" She asked as she leant against the doorframe.
"Suspended." You spat. A shit eating grin started to appear but you wiped that off her face instantly. "Both of us."
"What the fuck? I didn't-"
"Yes you fucking did and now I'm paying for it too. You wanna know the best part? We can't go back in the field until we can work together nicely." You said bitterly.
"Why don't they just keep us on separate missions?"
"You can go ask them that later. Right now we're training." You said simply and you grabbed her forearm and pulled her out of her room down the corridor.
"We just got back." Wanda argued but followed you anyway after slapping your hand off her.
"Not prepared to put the work in, witchy?" You mocked, not looking at her as you marched through the compound.
"Don't call me that?" Wanda warned as she kept your pace.
"What are you gonna do? Read my mind?" You continued to taunt as you arrived in the gym and made your way to the mats.
Wanda put her red jacket on the floor and stepped away to take up her position as she eyed you. "I could snap all your bones into pieces so small they could be mistaken for ash." Wanda said stoicly.
"I don't think that's gonna get you another mission." You replied calmly, knowing that while there was a truth to Wanda's words she would never give you more than a split lip or bloody nose in the worst training sessions.
"Don't be a smartass y/n, it doesn't suit you." Your jaw clenched at her words.
Without warning, the entirety of your right arm lit up in flames and was aimed at Wanda in an instant.
You sent a wave of fire her way that she swiftly engulfed in her powers and sent back towards you. She looked less than impressed from your warningless attack.
"That was tacky." She said.
"I know, seemed fitting for you." You grinned but stopped when the red mist surrounded your body and lifted you into the air before a larger wave of fire was sent hurtling down to the redhead. The wall of fire blocked her view of you and subsequently dropped you to the ground as she dealt with the flames.
As soon as you landed and the fire parted you sent another blast Wanda's way only for her to do the exact same thing. You both ducked at the same time, your powers hitting opposite walls and leaving marks Tony would be on your asses about when he found out.
Wanda was clearly thinking the same thing. "We can't use our powers in an enclosed space, especially not yours." She said, her accent thickly woven into her voice.
"Okay then, let's see if Natasha's lessons have paid off." You said as you raised your fists and got into your defensive stance. Wanda mirrored you the way she had been taught and narrowed her eyes.
"They definelty have." She insisted as her eyes flickered over your form to try and identify your weak points already in a very obvious way.
"Just try to keep up." You mocked and swiftly moved to swipe her legs out from under her but she was surprisingly prepared. She jumped up to avoid your attack and kicked her leg out mid air and landed it on the center of your chest. You stumbled back in shock while Wanda looked very proud of herself. The last time you saw Wanda train it was clear she wasn't familiar with close range hand to hand combat. You hadn't expected her to improve so significantly in such a short amount of time.
You gritted your teeth and went for her stomach this time which she easily avoided but wasn't expecting another attack to follow so quickly. She blocked the continuous blows from you until you saw your moments and kicked one of her legs out from under her. Your mistake was thinking you succeeded the moment she was down because she spun around and kicked both of your legs out. You caught yourself partly as Wanda stood up so you were on kneeling.
Wanda's smirk was quick to take place when she saw your position, not missing the opportunity. "You look good when you're on your knees." She quipped.
Your eyes widened at her boldness and a heat rose up your neck that you knew wasn't your powers. You rolled back on the balls of your feet and swiftly stood up to look anywhere but the smug redhead infront of you.
"No snarky remark for that?" She challenged and you charged at her again. Anger feuled your attacks making them miscordinated and all round bad.
"Shut the fuck up, Maximoff." You huffed and made her grin even more at the clear signs that she was getting to you.
One of your punches was pushed to the side and Wanda took the chance to show you just how much she had learnt from Nat. You weren't entirely sure how she even did it it was so quick. Your arm was outstretched behind your back painfully due to Wanda's unrelenting grip on it and made it that much easier to push one of your legs down onto the floor. She held you like that for longer than necessary, soaking up the view of you struggling in her grasp.
"Get off." You snapped and winced when she pulled your arm back more.
"What's the magic word?" She teased.
"Now." You demanded. She tutted and pulled harder. "Maximoff!" You ordered through the pain. She leaned down beside you as her voice dropped to a low whisper.
"Beg." It was one word but you couldn't deny the effect it had on you. It was as though her light breath on your ear shot throughout your body and settled in a place you really didn't want it to.
You were about to object and tell her to stop being a bitch but her grip tightened and she pulled to a point where you thought your arm might just snap off under any more pressure.
"Please." You cried through gritted teeth. She instantly let go all too quickly and you collapsed onto the mat on your front. You heard her chuckle menacingly but cut herself off when Nat appeared in the doorway.
"We told you to write up your reports, not train." Natasha scolded as she watched you massage your shoulder and glare at Wanda.
"Sorry, just got a bit carried away." Wanda smiled, her innocent and sweet act that she put up for everyone except you returning. "Y/n's had enough now anyway." She smirked to herself.
"Fucking psycho." You muttered loud enough for her to hear but not Nat. Her jaw visibly clenched from that making you revel in the small victory as you finally got up from the mat.
"Just get on with the reports." Nat sighed and turned to leave as Wanda called out.
"On it."
"Aww, you trying to be a good girl, Maximoff?" You mocked as the pain subsided and your need to overrule what had happened came through.
"I don't have the time to stress over that, not when I'm busy putting brats in their place." Wanda said as she advanced towards you with a look you had only ever seen aimed at those you were fighting against.
"What?" You whispered as you backed up and felt your back hit the wall. Wanda's hand came up suddenly and wrapped itself around your throat firmly and cut off your breathing. Your eyes widened as you grabbed at her hands but she didn't budge. She looked amused at your efforts as her head tilted slightly to the side.
"And you certainly need to learn your place." She took her hand away and left you gasping for air for a split second before grabbing your arm and pulling you out of the gym.
You stumbled a little as you tried to keep up with Wanda's long strides you could usually match. Your whole body was already trembling in anticipation, more so by the tension filled silence between you both as you travelled through the compound and ended up outside the redhead's room.
She opened her door and shoved you into her room swiftly. You didn't have much chance to take in your surroundings because the Sokovian gripped the back of your neck and forced you to lay on your stomach on her bed.
She made quick work of your clothes, discarding them to some soon forgotten about corner.
You turned your head to the side and gripped the sheets as you felt Wanda's slim fingers trialing up the back of your thighs before she gripped them roughly and forced them apart and lifted your lower half up. Her fingers returned and glided along your drippikg folds, collecting your arousal as she reveled in the effect she had on you.
"What was it that made you this wet, slut? Was it being on your knees for me? Begging me? Or did you enjoy the pain? I bet you enjoyed me choking you too." She chuckled darkly and didn't wait for you to respond.
She slipped two fingers inside your soaking cunt without warning making you gasp out in pleasure. Her fingers curled inside you beautifully, brushing some kind of nerve ending every second they were buried inside you. She had you a moaning, quivering mess in no time.
"Wanda...fuck! Right there, oh God!" She snickered against your skin as she worked her fingers expertly. Even then she wanted to test you. Well it was more that she was setting you up for failure.
"Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear another sound from that whiny mouth." She ordered and you couldn't help but shiver from her dominant nature.
Of course it didn't last long. Her fingers felt so damn perfect inside you and you couldn't help but moan at the unspeakable pleasure.
She brought her hand down fast and landed it on your ass with a harsh smack that echoed through the room. She did it to both of your asscheeks until they were bright red and you were trembling. The sadistic redhead didn't stop there, she continued to rain down smacks that edged you further to your edge with the pleasurable pain.
Soon, you were moaning into the air as you came around Wanda's slim fingers, desperatly clenching around them in an attempt to prolong the pleasure. Thankfully, she kept pumping her fingers inside you, not caring when the overstimulation kicked in. She even started scissoring her fingers inside you, stretching your walls in a way that has you whimper loudly.
"Gotta stretch you a little to get you ready for my piece, sweetheart." She said in a sinister tone. "There's no way you'd be able to take it otherwise, it's already going to reck you with its size." She husked into your ear and withdrew her fingers, spanking you again when you whined.
Wanda got off the bed and disappeared into her closet, shortly returning with a large strap secured around her waist and pointed at you. You whimpered at the sight of it, not sure you could handle its size.
The Sokovian kneeled behind you and gripped your hips with both her hands as she lined up the strap with your entrance.
"I'm going to fill you up so nicely, Princess. Gonna have your cumming in no time." She husked, her voice dripping with lust.
A scream was ripped from your throat when Wanda thrust the entirety of the strap into your pussy. She set about her harsh, abusing pace instantly and preened at the sound of the pleasure filled cries that left you.
She grabbed a fistful of your hair and slammed your head down into the pillows on your side do she could still hear all of your desperate moans. The rough action earned the redhead a cry of her name.
Her pace was unrelenting, everytime she thrust back into you she somehow managed to hit deeper, pounding the toy against the most sensitive and pleasurable part of your cunt.
"Mommy!" You moaned loudly, not realising your slip up until the words left your lips. Your eyes widened and you feared Wanda's response, but what you got was a smack from the redhead that stung your ass in the best way. Her fucked you with increasing vigor too, wanting you title to spill from your lips again. And it did. Over and over, each time going straight to Wanda's pussy.
"Fuck, I'm gonna cum." You whimpered as you gripped onto the sheets tighter to prepare yourself for your release. But Wanda pulled the strap out the the very tip and held it there as she leant over to whisper in your ear.
"Beg me." She ordered and you whimpered again. It wasn't like you hadn't already submitted to the red head you hated but begging would be something that would loom over you for a while.
Your thoughts clashed with the overwhelming need from your pussy as it desleratly tried to clamp down on the tip that didn't provide nearly enough pleasure.
"Please, Wanda." You whispered.
"Please who?" She asked sweetly, clearly testing you making you groan.
"Please, mommy just let me cum." You whined and Wanda smacked your ass hard. She edged the dildo in further ever so slowly and stopped again.
"Mommy, please! I need to cum." You tried again, desperation seeping into your voice. Wanda hummed.
"I can see that." She mused as she rubbed small circles on your throbbing and soaked clit. "I just don't see why I should, brat." She punctuated the name with a harsh slap to your ass again and you caught onto what she was hinting at.
"Please, I'll...I'll be so good for you, mommy."
"Yeah, baby?"
"Yes! Please mommy I'll be so so good for you. Just please please let me c-" You were abruptly cut off by your own whorish moan as Wanda snapped her hips forwards and filled you up entirely.
One of her hands tangled itself in your hair and forced your head down into the pillows, not stopping your incoherent babbles filling the room along with the sound of your pussy being fucked by Wanda and her thighs slapping against yours.
The Sokovian tugged on your hair again so your head was off the pillow.
"I'm gonna cum!" You cried out into the air.
"That's it, baby. Soak my fucking cock." And with that demand you came harder than you ever had around Wanda's strap and moaned continuously as the redhead prolonged your pleasure by continuing to pound into you.
But it soon became too much for your sensitive pussy. You squirmed away from Wanda but she placed one hand on the middle of your back to keep you flat against the bed.
"Too much." You managed to say, however the redhead didn't seem to care.
"I'm nowhere near done with you, Princess."
*
Laying panting and gripping onto Wanda's bedsheets like a lifeline wasn't exactly what you expected to be doing on a Thursday night. You were drenched in sweat and although Wanda had pulled out the toy minutes prior, you were sure you could still feel it filling you up, the faint throbbing a forewarning of what was to come.
It took you a while to gather the strength to get up. With anyone else you probably would have just stayed the night in their bed, but you weren't sure you could do that with Wanda. Although she wouldn't kick you out, you didn't like the thought of sleeping beside the redhead. It seemed far too...soft? Whatever it was, you were sure Wanda would agree.
You searched for your clothes while she took a most likely deliberately long shower, images of her naked figure covered in water invading your mind.
Once you cursed them away they were just replaced with flashes of what you had been doing for all those hours, remembering how she pulled on your hair as she praised you when you went down on her. Of course you did that while on your knees.
What happened between you and Wanda wasn't a one time thing. In fact it became increasingly common until you were in each other's beds almost every night. You would have been fuck buddies if you had considered each other a friend.
It worked. You and Wanda were able to work out your pent up frustration towards each other in a way that didn't hurt one another....well, if that didn't include the scratches along Wanda's back and the constant aching between your legs.
You didn't even make snide comments about each other in meetings or during training. You were able to keep everything in the bedroom.
The success of what you two had going forced you to ignore the noteable change in feelings you had towards Wanda. You saw her differently but couldn't quite tell how. Sometimes it was as though the unplaceable emotion you had towards her from from start spiked and other times you were purely confused.
It was always most prominent after she made you crash over the edge of bliss or when she came undone beneath you. Those moments when your bodies went limp and you were caught up in each other's embrace because you didn't have the energy to move. Hearing her exhausted breathing match her rising and falling chest and faint heartbeat if you had your head on her chest. Those tender moments were the ones that caught you off guard.
You refused to make a big deal out of it though. You refused to investigate your feelings or even acknowledge them. What you had with Wanda was the most efficient thing you could do. You didn't want to muck it up but you knew it couldn't go on forever. Another labelless feeling emerged at that thought.
Natasha was the only one who knew what you were doing. Neither of you told her, the spy was able to figure it all out on her own quickly and confronted you both about it once, only saying to be careful. That was the only time she addressed it verbally but you could always feel her watching you both carefully when you trained.
You thought it was going great. You and Wanda had finally been cleared for a mission that you would both be on, the team certainly needed the man power. That was until Nat told you otherwise.
"What do you mean I'm not going?!" You exclaimed across the room. You had seen Nat in the meeting room looking up something on her tablet and had gone in to enquire something about the mission that was long forgotten.
"I've thought about it and you and Wanda still aren't deemed the most reliable when put together for a mission, with this one being as important as it is we can't afford to make mistakes." Natasha sighed.
"So why don't you take Wanda off the mission? I have more experience."
"Her powers are perfectly fitted to this mission, we need her."
"And not me." You knew you came across as petty, but you had been dying to go back into the field.
"Y/n." Nat tried but you scoffed and glared at the screens with those assigned to the mission. Your eyes found Wanda's picture first and your jaw clenched at the sight of her ridiculously attractive face.
"What did she say to you?" You demanded as something clicked in your brain.
"She didn't say anything, this is my judgement." Natasha began but you didn't buy it.
"We both know if it was you you would have told me as soon as you decided it. You had no issue with me and Wanda being on this mission before. Hell, you cleared us both for the field." Nat glanced down at her tablet guiltily as she searched her brain for another hopeless lie.
"This is unbelievable." You scoffed and turned sharply on your heels to storm out of the room, ignoring your name being called by Nat.
You soon found Wanda in the kitchen making herself a coffee as she hummed softly. You willed your brain to ignore the warmth you got from seeing the redhead in her own, peaceful world.
"Do you have a problem with me?" You demanded, snapping her out of her trance. She visibly figited when she saw you approach her and lean on the edge of the kitchen island on you hands with an expectant look.
"No?" She said, seeming unsure.
"Don't you fucking lie to me." She seemed startled by your increasing aggression.
"What are you talking about?" She asked as she stirred her drink.
"Don't play dumb with me, Maximoff. You got me off the mission!" Wanda stopped her movements as she froze, clearly caught off guard by your discovery. Given how Nat had acted you guessed you weren't meant to find out it was Wanda who said something.
"It's for the best." She finally said but avoided your eye.
"It is not your place to decide what's best for me, you don't get to do that." You argued.
"There should only be a few people on the mission." She tried.
"I know that, I've seen the intel. But we already discussed that those people should be powered. Why am I being taken off?" You demanded again.
"It's dangerous." She muttered as she stared down at her drink.
"It's my fucking job. You think I don't know that."
"Of course you do, but there's a bigger risk than the usual missions we've been on. A bigger risk of you getting hurt." She muttered the last bit, like she wasn't entirely sure she wanted you to hear her. Granted, Wanda showing concern for your safety was new.
"Any one of us could get hurt." You said, lowering your voice marginally.
"But it's you I'm worried about." She insisted. It was your turn to become uncomfortable, shifting slightly under her gaze that held something new.
"I can take care of myself." You said as you crossed your arms, feeling a sudden defensive need to protect yourself.
"I know... but I care about you." You exhaled slowly, becoming increasingly uncomfortable at the tone of her voice. "If something happened to you..." She continued, "I don't know what I would do." Her voice was barely above a whisper, the softness laced in it undeniable. It sparked something in you. Something you didn't want to accept.
"Good luck on your mission, Maximoff." You said through gritted teeth and went to leave but Wanda was behind you instantly and took ahold of your hand to pull you back.
"Wait, I wasn't done-"
"Well I am." You snapped and yanked your hand out of her grip.
"What..?" She said slowly.
"If you don't want to work with me then we won't, no need to keep fucking anymore." You huffed and went to walk away.
"That wasn't what I-"
"Stop!" It wasn't a cry of anger. It was pure desperation. Your pleading look took Wanda by surprise and pained her to see. "Just stop before you say something you can't unsay." You said shakily. Your unspoken message was received. You didn't want to hear about Wanda's feelings towards you. She just didn't know it was because you were afraid that it would uncover what you had been feeling all along. You couldn't handle it. You were scared.
Wanda nodded, defeated, and let you go. You were filled with grief as you walked away, your footsteps feeling heavier than usual. You wanted to look back, to go back to her. But you couldn't.
*
You distracted yourself with a particularly ruthless training session the day of Wanda's mission. Carol showed you no mercy in sparring, weight lifting and boxing - even encouraging power use every now and then. But your mind still wandered to the redhead the way it usually did.
When you finally collapsed on the mat in defeat Carol chuckled and tossed you your waterbottle before encouraging an ice bath and strolling out of the gym for her evening flight.
You stayed on the floor for a while after you finished your water, only stopping staring up at the ceiling when Nat's outline blocked the lights. You sat up and looked at her hopefully, seeing that she was back from monitoring the mission and didn't seem distraught or upset.
"How did it go?" You asked as she sat down across from you.
"It was a success." She said but she didn't seem all that happy.
"And everyone's okay?" You asked cautiously. Nat gave a half shug and sighed lightly.
"There was ice - a lot if it and it was so cold. Dangerously cold." Nat started. You tried not to clench your jaw or show any signs of annoyance, knowing there was no need to point out that mission was fitted for you and your powers that would have guaranteed everyone's safety.
"Wanda got a little cut up, it was impossible to fight on that ground." You eyed the door and bit your lip, refraining from giving in to the urge to go see her.
"She doesn't want to talk to anyone right now, but she needs seeing to the cut." Nat said as she placed a first aid kit down infront of you. She was back already? And why did you have the kit?
"She won't see anyone either." Nat said before you could verbally question her. It took a moment for you to understand what she was saying.
"I don't think she wants to see me, Nat." You said as you pushed it back her way only for her to toss it into your lap.
"Goddmit, y/n. Can you two stop dancing around each other and actually talk?!" She exclaimed.
"We tried that-"
"Talking, y/n, not shouting or arguing. Talking." She said firmly and got up before you could protest further.
You pondered over what Natasha said for a while. You knew she had a good point, that talking was exactly what you should have done from the start, but it was just another thing that frightened you.
"Your job is facing your fears." You muttered aloud to yourself.
You finally got up from the ground, first aid kit in hand, and trudged along the compound towards Wanda's room. You tried to figure out what you could say on the way. But it all came out a jumbled mess that made no sense. Multiple times you stopped in the hallways and considered turning back before convincing yourself to keep going.
You knocked softly on Wanda's door and was surprised that it opened for you. The redhead in question was sat on her bed with a pillow in her lap, fiddling with her hands the way she always did when she was anxious or deep in thought. That evening it was both.
She glanced up at you as you closed the door but turned back to her pillow quickly when you gave her a short smile that didn't quite meet your eyes.
Regardless, you cautiously walked towards her bed and sat down next to her with the small box between you. You brought one of your legs up under you so you could face Wanda and eyed the cut above her eyebrow in concern. She still didn't say anything, neither did you.
You opened up the small box and got out a pack of wound closure strips and carefully unwrapped one. Wanda didn't object to you gently holding the area around her cut as you placed the strip on and lightly smoothed over the edges until you were sure it would stay on.
"I let my emotions cloud my judgement." She mumbled as you prepped another strip.
"It happens to all of us." You said.
"But I didn't listen to you. I should have." You sighed and stopped unwrapping the strip to look up at the redhead and watch her closely. She looked back at you with a guilty and pained expression that was full of regret.
"Yeah." You nodded slowly as you went back to the medical tape and raised your hands to put it on but the Sokovian held your wrist to stop you. "What's done is done, so just let me put these on and we're good." You said but she still didn't let go.
"Just like that?" She questioned.
"The mission was a success. If I'd had been there you wouldn't have gotten hurt, that's all."
"You were really mad though." She continued and you put your hands down to rest them, not failing to notice that Wanda was still holding your wrist but with a much lighter grip.
"It's hard to stay mad at you." You admitted.
"You've always been mad at me."
"Well it wasn't exactly like you were the friendliest person to me." You pointed out. "I was never mad at you, Wanda. I just hated that... that you made me feel something I've never trusted, so I didn't trust you. It was never your fault, I was unfair." You admitted as you stared down at the tape the whole time, afraid to meet the redhead's eyes.
"What did you feel?" Wanda asked, her voice void of emotion making it more difficult for you to say. You gulped as you continued to stare at the tape, willing yourself to give Wanda the answer she needed. The answer she deserved.
"Love." You voice shook. "I loved... love you." You were shaking more as you finally looked up at Wanda. Her eyes were wide and her lips slightly parted like there was a million thoughts trying to be heard but without the ability to.
She didn't say anything for a while. A long while. She stared at you in disbelief then at her pillow as though it would give her all the answers.
Tears rushed to your eyes that you tried to blink away as your head swam with curses to yourself for admitting your feelings. You had opened up and been vulnerable to Wanda, and the result was the exact reason you had sworn to never do it again.
Once you were sure she wasn't going to say anything to you, you took it as your cue to leave. To leave so Wanda could prepare her rejection speech for you. However, as soon as you put your hand to the door she spoke out.
"Please don't go."
You turned around slowly and met her light brown eyes you had always found impossible not to get lost in when you had your fingers or tongue inside her. You timidly went back to the bed and paused before sitting down next to her, facing the wall instead of her this time.
"I thought it was one sided." She started and you felt yourself begin to shake with nerves again. "I thought you didn't love me back." You looked to Wanda quickly and searched her features for any signs of a lie, any signs that she was setting you up to push you down but she was gazing back at you longingly with tears glistening in her eyes.
"When you confronted me about the mission, I was going to say it then, you knew that." You squeezed your eyes shut and nodded, remembering the fear you felt in that moment.
"I wasn't ready, I thought I wouldn't ever be but," You took a deep breath "I want to try, for you." You took ahold of Wanda's hand to reiterate your point. "I care about you too Wanda, so much. More than I could ever express or even handle and I didn't know what to do about it. I mean we've tried a fair few things now," You both laughed a little, "but it I don't think any of them are going to work as well as accepting it and...and I don't know." You looked to her for guidance because fuck did you need it. You needed Wanda to guide you down whatever path you chose to take, as long as she was there with you.
"Maybe we could start with something small." She suggested with a small smile that made her eyes shine.
"Like a coffee date?" You tried.
"Exactly like that." She confirmed, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze.
"Then I'll pick you up around 2." You said cheesily making Wanda laugh. "But first, I have to finish tending to this cut." You declared as you turned around to face her entirely and crossed your legs under you, pausing for a moment to give Wanda a short and sweet kiss.
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h0neypjm · 3 years
Text
Just for practice | kth
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↳ Summary: “I think we should normalise giving head to your friends as practice.”
↳ Pairing: Taehyung x Reader, slight Hoseok x reader
↳ Genre: Smut, pwp, some plot i guess, best friend! Taehyung
↳ Rating: 18+
↳ Word count: 5.3k
↳ Warnings: swearing, lip biting, hickies, oral (both female and male receiving), rough blowjobs, spanking, fingering, squirting, big dick! Tae, possessiveness/jealousy, unprotected sex (wrap before you tap pls), dom/sub themes, Taehyung calls reader lots of pet names (sweetheart, darling, good girl), degradation, biting, slight cockwarming
↳ a/n: I’ve been having major writer’s block while writing confident :( however, i saw this tweet which prompted this lil oneshot hope you enjoy
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Jung Hoseok [ 2:15 PM ]
Am I gonna see you at Seokjin’s tomorrow?
You [ 2:16 PM ]
I’ll be there :)
Jung Hoseok [ 2:18 PM ]
You’re not gonna run away from me this time, right?
You [ 2:20 PM ]
No of course not haha
Jung Hoseok [ 2:21 PM ]
Is that a promise princess?
A sigh flies out of your mouth like wind through a window and you’re shucking off your glasses in an instant. Hoseok’s texts bringing back a flurry of memories that you wish to forget.
“Do you need help with your essay again?”
Your eyes are strained when they try to focus on Taehyung, your shoulders shrug in defeat. “No, I’m fine. It’s just-”
Taehyung knows immediately, he is your best friend after all. “Let me guess, It’s Hoseok isn’t it?” 
You slump in your seat while a pout is cutely drawn onto your face, you nod with dismay. “I really like him Tae, and every time we see each other, It’s like the universe has it out for me and tries to make sure I embarrass myself in front of him.”
Taehyung shuts his laptop because he knows there's no use in trying to write an essay while you speak about your utterly tragic love life. He thinks about your situation for a minute before he speaks.
“Yes, you might’ve spilled your beer on him and accidentally punched him in the eye, more than once. But, if he’s still texting you he’s obviously still into you. It’s a good sign sweetheart.” Taehyung pats your hand across the coffee table, a comforting smile adorning his handsome face.
Taehyung doesn’t know the full extent of your problem and the more you think about it the more embarrassing it becomes. So you smile back at him uttering a small thank you before turning back to your laptop.
Taehyung raises a brow, “wait, wait, hang on, something is still bothering you.” 
You frown, “it’s embarrassing.”
Taehyung shuffles around the corner of the coffee table as if you’re about to tell him a secret, though it’s just the two of you in his small apartment. “Just tell me, it can’t be that bad.”
“Taehyung it is that bad.” You tilt your head at him, pulling up the sleeves of your sweater around your tiny fists. “You’re gonna laugh at me.”
Taehyung feigns shock at your words, his hands placed on his heart for dramatic effect. “I would never laugh, and frankly I’m offended you think that low of me.” 
You roll your eyes, turning your body more towards him, deciding it wouldn't hurt letting Taehyung know the thoughts plaguing your mind. “Well, you know how Hoseok and I have been kind of flirty lately, right?” He nods in understanding. 
“I can tell he wants more than that, you know? His touches are small but I know exactly what he’s suggesting, and don’t get me wrong, the feeling is completely mutual because trust me I want that too. Really bad.” 
Taehyung hums, interrupting your soon-to-be graphic rambling. “I totally get it Y/N. Now let’s stop beating around the bush so I can help you.”
If Taehyung were a girl, this would be so much easier. You curse your eight-year-old self who just had to become friends with a boy because God, how do you even start?
Taehyung is a patient man, always giving you space before helping you but, in this situation, you feel it’s best to just rip the band-aid off. Taehyung if you can read my mind, please don’t laugh at me.
“I’venevergivensomeoneablowjob.”
You speak so suddenly, Taehyung’s not so sure he heard you correctly. “Huh?”
“Goddammit Tae”, you rub and your temples and avoid his stare. “I’ve never given someone a blowjob!”
His eyes are wide. “Oh” 
You hide your face into the table while your body internally cringes. At least he didn’t laugh. “See! You do think it’s bad.”
“I’m just surprised to be honest”, he reassures, leaning back onto his palms, strong brows pulled together in thought. “Shit Y/N, have you really never sucked a dick before?”
Sure, you’ve had sex many times (most of which have been extremely disappointing) but, it seems that most of your hookups want to get straight into fucking. No foreplay, no nothing. Just unseasoned, pleasureless fucking.
A groan rumbles out of your throat, “It just never happened! They were all about that hump and dump lifestyle I guess.”
Taehyung is utterly baffled at your statement. In Taehyung’s books, It is compulsory to treat every women like a queen. Preparing and edging them the perfect amount of times to see them crumble so sensually by his very doing. To Taehyung, seeing a woman cry out his name from experiencing the most explosive, leg-shaking orgasm was always his favourite part.
This is why Taehyung is absolutely shattered for you. “So, you’re also telling me no one has ever eaten you out?” You miserably nod, “that’s actually fucking evil!”
His words do not ease you one bit as you throw your head onto the seat behind you. “The way you say it makes me feel even worse. This is the sole reason why I run away from Hoseok and make a fool out of myself.”
Taehyung doesn’t say anything, the air floating around carrying an awkward silence. You don’t really care and you don’t expect Taehyung to think of a solution. Plus, you’re already embarrassed enough.
You might as well leave and ask one of your girlfriends for help, maybe finish your essay while you’re at it. You sigh, shutting your laptop and stacking your books together. 
However, the next sentence that flies out of Taehyung’s mouth makes you stop dead in your tracks.
“I think I’ve figured out how I can help you.”
Wiggling back into a comfortable seating position, you lean into Taehyung with interest. “And how might you help me, dear Taehyung?”
He eyes you nervously, his fingers fiddling with his chunky rings, “You trust me, right?”
You smile, “yeah, of course, you’re my best friend Tae.”
An exhale puffs out of his mouth. “Why not practice on me?”
You almost choke on your spit. You definitely did not expect him to say that. “Could you repeat that please?”
A new glint of mischief sparkles in his eye. “Why not let me teach you how to give Hoseok the blowjob of his life and in return, I’ll eat you out”
Your brain is having a meltdown. 
“You’re fucking crazy”, you wail. “You actually want me to suck your dick?”
He brings his hands up in defence, “I think we should normalize giving head to your friends as practice, I don’t think it’s such a bad idea. Think about it, you get to learn and cum at the same time.”
You won’t lie to yourself, the proposal is tempting and in all honesty, Taehyung is hot as fuck. You will forever thank the Gods above for blessing you with the delicious sight that is your best friend. However, the proposition puts you in an odd spot.
Apprehensive about your thoughts, you state your unease, “I-I don’t know Taehyung, don’t you think this might ruin our friendship?” An exhale, “have you seriously thought of me that way?”
Taehyung chuckles, it’s deep and totally unexpected to your question. “Sweetheart, there are many things that go on inside my head involving you. And to answer your question, they’re not completely innocent.”
A startled gasp is ripped from your throat and your stomach flutters with a dangerous mix of nervousness, thrill and dare you say arousal.
Never in your life would you have imagined Kim Taehyung, your best friend since grade school, seeing you in such an inviting way. To make matters worse, It was intimidating to think about his fair share of experience and the long line of women backing up the fact that Taehyung was indeed some sort of sex demon.
Of course, you felt the same way. How could you not! The man was practically an incarnation of a Greek God. Broad sturdy shoulders that sat atop thick muscular thighs, and how could you forget his gorgeous fingers.
You’d die before you admit it, but there have been many nights where you have found yourself thinking about what his pretty long fingers could do to you. Those nights always ended with a mess of your sheets and a wetness between your thighs. It was your dirty little secret, however, it seems Taehyung also had some of his own.
His sharp eyes storm with darkness when he speaks, “don’t lie Y/N, I know you’ve had some dirty thoughts about me up in that pretty little head of yours.”
Pink blossoms over your cheeks like wildfire because he’s so terrifyingly right. “I don’t even need to touch you sometimes, one look and you’re a goner.” You gulp. “Look at you right now.” His gaze drops down to your thighs. “All my talking making you so needy, you need to clench your thighs to keep it together.”
He smiles, though it’s not his usual boxy, boyish smile. It’s dangerous and seductive almost smirking and shit when did he get so close to you? Your breathing is erratic and you have no idea how you could be so anxious yet so amorous at the same time. 
Your heart beats rapidly in your ears. “This is just for practice, right?”
Taehyung curses under his breath, “just for practice sweetheart.”
You don’t get to respond.
His lips are hesitant at first when they meet yours, yet his hands say the opposite. They start at your waist and tickle their way down to your stiff hands. Ever so gently, he pries them open, intertwining his long fingers with yours, and God, did his hands feel so right.
Your nerves dissipate slowly but surely as you allow him to explore your mouth with his skilful tongue. 
Much to Taehyung’s dismay, he finds you releasing your fingers from his own. Your hands flying to the nape of his neck, ultimately bringing him closer to you, deepening the kiss. Taehyung moans in delight when you tug at his long curls, you bite his lip in reply while lust paints your vision and dampens your panties.
Taehyung never knew he would miss the feeling of your lips against his when he painfully pushes himself away to situate himself comfortably on the couch. It was time for the lesson to begin.
You pout at the distance, trying to wiggle close until he motions for you to get into a particular position. Your insides swell with eagerness.
His voice is sweet and his hands are delicate when he tucks a few strands of hair behind your ear. “Get down on your knees for me sweetheart.” You obey immediately. He smirks at your sinking form. “Good girl.”
You swear right then and there your pussy had gained a working heartbeat at his words. The unfamiliar pulse thumping as if it were trying to break loose from the constraints of your sweatpants.
Your eyes are big and expectant, slowly drinking up the sight of Taehyung’s delicious figure seated above you. He sits on the couch like it’s his throne, legs spread to accompany your kneeling figure, and dominating stare pinning you down. A shiver runs down your spine.
“Wh-what do I do now?” You utter, making it known to Taehyung that he is in charge. He is in control.
Taehyung cocks his head to the side, using a decorated pointer finger to hither your hands towards him. Hesitantly, you raise both hands, lightly placing them down on his thighs.
A click of his tongue makes its way to your ears and you know you’ve already made your first mistake. Taehyung’s brows furrow, it’s obvious you need to make the next move but your brain is fuzzy and flustered. 
He sighs at your confused silence, bringing your small hands onto his belt. Oh, you know what you’re supposed to do now.  
“I thought you were smarter than this, how else are you meant to get my dick out, hmm?” The blush across your cheeks has definitely spread profusely from his teasing. Its once peachy pink tone deepening into an embarrassing cherry red.
The buckle of his belt jingles under your fingertips as you nervously undo them. You’re apparently too slow for his liking, Taehyung finishing the job by pulling his belt off his pants, leaving you to stare down at the large bulge covered by the fabric of his tight jeans. You thought you had your nerves under control but the way your hands start to shake is an indication that this is real. You’re really about to suck your best friend off.
Ever the observant friend, Taehyung is quick to notice the slight shake in your fingers. “Wait, stop.”
You do as he says, quickly settling your palms back on the thickness of his covered thighs. “Are you sure you want to do this? your hands are shaking sweetheart.” His voice is laced with concern, a total switch to his previous words.
Clearing your throat you reply, “oh, no, no I’m fine.” You lock eyes. “I just want to make sure I’m doing good so I can be good for him.”
Possessiveness flares within Taehyung’s chest and he has no idea why. Although he doesn’t let it show, he can’t help the swell of his ego at the knowledge that he’s the first to get you like this. Not Hoseok. Him.
So, he grins his wide boxy grin, dragging a finger down your warm cheek. “Don’t worry darling, you’re in great hands”
The commanding smirk etched onto his lips sparks a surge of confidence through your veins, begging you to finally touch him.
With a tug of your small hands, Taehyung’s constricting jeans are pried off the taut muscle of his thighs and are left to pool around his ankles. The excitement of finally being able to suck dick coursing through your body like lighting, and just like his jeans, Taehyung’s boxers are off in a second.
His cock springs, tall, hard and proud. Your jaw drops, Taehyung chuckles at your reaction. You feel an ooze of wetness pooling in your panties.
His size is nothing you’ve seen before, thick and girthy with an impressive length to match. You wince at the thought of fitting him down your throat.
The cold metal of his rings against your hands brings your attention to Taehyung’s handsome face. Without breaking any eye contact, he wordlessly wraps your hands around the thickness of his cock.
It’s warm and swells in your palm, your two dainty hands stacked on top of each other. Fingers trying so hard to wrap themselves around the sheer girth of his cock.
You’re not dumb, you know what comes next. With a sharp inhale you begin to stroke up his length, paying close attention to his facial expression to get an idea of how well you’re doing
Taehyung’s head tilts to get a better view at your hands, “grip it tighter for me… yeah fuck that’s it.”
His praise boasts you on, holding tighter onto his cock and gathering the slick of his pre-cum with a twist of your wrist. Your eyes remain focused on the way the skin moves with your hands and the way his tip glistens with arousal. You want to lick it.
“When you’re ready you can put your mouth- Ahh shit Y/N!”
He didn’t need to finish his sentence when you’re already so eager to have him in your mouth. You do what you think would feel best, sucking on the head of his cock like a sweet ice lolly on a hot summer's day. Your tongue tracing the thick circumference before dipping into his slit.
A light groan falls from his mouth as he watches you lap at the remaining pre-cum that glistens in the afternoon light. Taehyung almost forgets why he’s here, lost in your plump lips wet with saliva.
Right, he’s here to teach you how to give a blowjob. “Try and take my whole length in darling.” 
You nod, taking a deep breath, your mouth opening wider to take him in as far as you can. You try to keep your throat relaxed taking him inch by inch.
“That's a good girl”, he praises, “you’re doing so well for me.” 
Your knees squeeze together, acting to relieve some pressure on your aching heat. It had truly been a while since you got some serious action.
Surprisingly you’re able to make your way to the hilt of his cock, a choked gag sputtering from your lips.
A few strands of hair fall in your face, blocking your eyes in the process. Swiftly, Taehyung brushes the hair from your eyes while simultaneously lifting your head off of his cock. 
You release him with a satisfying pop, your eyes wide and makeup a little smudged. Taehyung coaches you through the next steps. “I want you to try and do that again, but when you come back up, lick the length of my cock and look at me while you do it.”
Humming in acknowledgment you grip the base of his cock before pausing. “Isn’t this what you like though? What if Hoseok likes to be touched in a different way?”
An unintentional growl bubbles out of his mouth. Oh how he wished he could take your mind off Hoseok and have you screaming his name, thinking about him instead.
He pushes down his discontentment with the other man on your mind, “men are simple creatures Y/N, just making out sometimes can get them going. And judging by the way you’re sucking my cock right now, I’m sure Hoseok will be crazy for you.”
As Taehyung explains the ins and outs of a man’s brain, you don’t make an effort to stop the teasing of his cock. His words sound slurred, they go in one ear and out the other, and besides the delicious length in front of you is much more fascinating.
For the time being you stare up at him, your eyes wide feigning interest in his words, all while you grip his cock in one hand and continuously lap at his tip with a kitten-like flick of your tongue. 
Taehyung finally realises that you’ve stopped listening when he feels the small yet downright sensual pleasure shooting through his cock. He grunts, pushing your hair back once again, “fuck, that’s hot. You’re so fucking good.”
His preoccupied hand squeezes the pillows beside him, the veins of his hands popping out. You do what he taught you, seductive eyes laser focused on him while your wicked tongue leaves a hot trail up the prominent vein on his dick.
“Shit Y/N you’re doing so well-”
You release him from your mouth disrupting his sentence, “can you fuck my throat?”
Taehyung swears his whole body just convulsed at your request. He looks away just so he can contain himself because holy shit.
Obviously Taehyung has thought about you being in this position, saying those words. Yet, no matter how many times he fantasizes this scenario, nothing would ever prepare him for those words to actually come out of your mouth with the most bewitching grin plastered on your pretty face.
He stutters, “I- no, I don’t know if you can take it darling.”
You grip his thighs, pout forming on those dangerous lips of yours, “please Tae, I want it. Want you to use me.”
Taehyung pushes the curls of his bangs away, a hiss steaming from his lips. “Alright, but if you feel any discomfort pinch my thigh, okay sweetheart?”
You’re impatient, “yeah, yeah, I can take your monster dick.” You place a small kiss on his thigh, “do your worst.”
His movements are all too fast, all too sudden. His fingers securing a death-grip on the mess of your hair before holding his cock up to your mouth. “You asked for it darling.”
Your mouth automatically widens, welcoming the rough intrusion of his cock as it slides all the way down your throat. A lewd gag fills the room.
A dark cloud of lust of dominance fogs Taehyung’s vision, his biceps flexing when he brings your head up and down his thick velvety length.
The room resounds with the filthy wet noises of your saliva covered lips pumping repeatedly. Taehyung breathes heavily through his nose, tilting his head against the cushions behind him. He keeps his hips still, yanking your hair at an obscene pace. A slew of curses and moans fly out into the air as he revels at the complete state of ecstasy you’ve put him under.
The heat of his member burns the back of your throat but you fucking love it. You open your teary eyes, gazing at his chiseled jaw and the way he shivers and groans above you. It only spurs you on when he glances back down, meeting your mascara ruined eyes.
It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. Taehyung harshly pushes your head all the way to the base of his cock. Your face is met with his abdomen, the hairs of his happy trail tickling your nose.
He leaves you there, and the burn in your throat rises, leaving you gagging, your throat tightening around him.
Taehyung believes after this he could never get the image of your messy docile eyes and tarnished lips out of his brain. He feels your throat constrict, “sh-shit, fuck Y/N, breathe through your nose.” You inhale. “That’s my good girl.”
He releases you from his member only to push your lips back onto him, going back to his beastly pace. “You look so fucking pathetic, you think Hoseok wants a messy girl like you?”
You gurgle around him, tears freely falling down your cheeks as you try to shake your head no. He only mumbles out a groan, his cock abruptly pulsing under your tongue like a steady heartbeat.
It's all too sudden when he releases your head off his length, a glob of drool dripping down your chin and onto your shirt. 
“Fuck sorry I was about to cum.”
Although your heart swells with pride you wonder, “why didn’t you?”
He runs a hand through his messy locks, “the purpose of this was to teach you, don’t you still want to practice?”
You’re smug with your answer, “I think I’ve got the hang of it now.”
He swipes a finger under your tear stained eyes, “getting cocky now are we.” 
You were cocky indeed, “well I did get you shaking under my touch didn’t I?”
He rolls his eyes, “get up you brat, I’m gonna show you what you’ve been missing out on.”
Fucking finally.
You won’t lie, you were probably most excited to finally know what it feels like to receive head. Your mind is still fuzzy from Taehyung’s rough ministrations as you slowly get up. You wobble slightly and Taehyung is quick to stabilize you with two strong arms holding the curve of your hips in place.
With his arms already around you he pushes you towards the couch, kicking his jeans off in the process.
Back flat against his plush couch you’re already stripping off your sweatpants and panties together in one. “My, my aren’t you eager”, he teases, a glint of shamelessness twinkling in his brown orbs when he drinks up the plushness of your thighs leading to your dripping cunt.
Holding your knees in the palm on his hands, he spreads them open to reveal the glossy folds on your heat. He kisses his teeth, satisfaction and hunger clear on his face. “Fuck, isn’t this a pretty sight.”
His words bring back a blush on your cheeks, you pull him forward, your lips inches away from his own. “Shut up please.”
And he shuts you up real good. Smashing your lips to his, he envelopes you into a feverish kiss, your tongues dancing the devil's tango.
His hands are adventurous, feeling the mounds of your breasts over your shirt. “Why the fuck isn’t your shirt off yet huh?” He tuts, pulling on the cotton fabric.
“I want yours off too.” You cutely mumble tugging at the hem of his shirt, to which he complies, tugging it off in one fluid motion. 
You peel your baggy shirt off just in time to see Taehyung's arm flex as he takes his very own shirt off. “Have you been working out? My God Tae, you're as big as Joon.”
He inwardly smirks because yeah he’s been working out and it's clearly paying off. He doesn’t want to show his glee however, “can we not talk about other men when I’m about to eat you out.”
You chuckle, eyes trailing down his buff arms to his v-line that leads to his dick like an arrow directing you to his treasure. You bite your lip, unclipping your lace bralette, “sure, sure, let’s get the show on the road.”
It’s Taehyung turn to drink up the sight of your body. “Fuck, always imagined what these tits looked like under all those tight clothes you wear.”
He’s really feeding into your praise kink. “Well, were they what you expected?”
He sucks on one immediately and you arch your back at the unexpected pleasure. “Even better”, he squeezes them in his palms, “they’re fucking gorgeous.”
He sucks a deep hickey under your left breast, leaving you whimpering with a hand tangled in his hair. “Always imagined what you sounded like moaning for me.”
You can’t reply, his touches burning through your skin. He kisses down your sternum to your stomach until he’s hovering above your aching clit, a tantalising grin on his face before he’s diving in.
“Fuck!” You wail at the unfamiliar yet mesmerising feelings. His tongue is stiff and pointed, flicking quickly up and down your bundle of nerves. 
The grip you have on his hair is deathly but it's the only thing in your reach that can ground you. He licks a long stripe down your sopping slit, keeping his sharp eyes on you the whole time.
“F-feels so fucking good Tae!” You almost scream. He cups his lips around your swollen nub sucking on it with a shit-eating grin on his face.
You’re too dazed to comment on it, reeling in the new pleasures you’re experiencing. You stare down at him, your eyes half opened and so close to rolling to the back of your head.
However, they almost completely open wide at the sight presented before you. With two long fingers, Taehyung is shoving them in his mouth, soaking them with his spit before rubbing them onto your sensitive folds.
You beg. “Put them inside.. Please.” Taehyung doesn’t make a sound only kissing your clit as he plunges his ring decorated fingers into you.
You’re so wet his fingers slide into you with ease. He groans at the sensation, his view focused on the way your cunt greedily sucks him in.
“Look at you, getting my rings all dirty you filthy girl”, he scolds watching the way your essence drips into the crevices of his intricate jewellery. 
Taehyung increases the pace of his long fingers, finger fucking you into euphoria. He doesn’t stop there, his lips returning to your desperate clit in a wet mess of your juices and his saliva.
You can feel your orgasm bubbling in your stomach. It's hot and feels so unlike any other upcoming orgasm you’ve experienced. His fingers curl inside of you, his palm slapping your folds with his rapid pace and his lips don’t give any sign of stopping.
“Taehyung- Tae, I’m cumming!” You really scream this time, your orgasm taking control over your body like a demon. 
You swear your eyes black out, your body shaking, a warmth gushing out of your cunt as it spazzes out.
Your chest heaves and you blink, feeling a damp pool around you. Oh God, Did you piss yourself?
“Holy fuck Y/N, I can’t believe you just did that.”
You sit up, embarrassed, an apology falling from your lips.
“You just squirted on me.”
You’re flushed, “I- what?”
Taehyung almost looks akin to a wolf hunting down his prey. “That was the hottest fucking experience of my life, holy shit I’m so hard.”
Well at least you didn’t pee on his couch. There’s a surge of overwhelming need for his cock to be inside of you. You’ve never felt this way before, it’s scary but so is this whole experience. It’s definitely one for the books.
Getting up on your knees you hold onto his shoulders, Taehyung raises a brow. “Fuck, I need to ride you, can I ride you?”
You think you just saw his dick twitch at your words. He grins, “just for practice?”
Your smile is sickly sweet, “of course, just for practice.”
His arms are strong when he shuffles into a seated position all while holding your hips above his awaiting cock.
He pauses, a flash of his normal self resurfacing. “You’re on the pill yeah?”
You peck his lips, “yes, now stuff me full.”
That’s all the confirmation he needs before he’s sinking you down onto his length. 
You both let out moans of pleasure at the feeling of being complete. The stretch hurts so bad but hurts so good. He fills you up so well it has you speechless, the air trapped inside your lungs refusing to be released until your walls are comfortable around his impressive girth.
Mumbling a soft curse, you swivel your hips in slow circles, getting used to his large size. Taehyung watches you, hunger written on his face as he licks his lips and examines the way you fit so perfectly on his lap.
You test the waters, holding onto his shoulders for support. You lift your hips and settle back onto his lap. He groans at the wet squelch it makes and slaps your ass, grabbing it in his hand to squeeze it.
You pick up the speed, pumping up and down, whimpering at how well he fills you up. You keep your gaze trained on the image of his dick disappearing in your heat and pulling out with a wet sheen.
Taehyung tucks a finger under your chin, bringing you close to his face to push his soft lips onto yours once again.
It’s weird to say, but you don’t think you can get tired of kissing your best friend. He knows exactly what you want and knows exactly how to make your head spin.
With his large hands of yours, you pick up the pace, slamming your ass onto his hips. You leave his lips, kissing the side of jaw and suckling a few lovebites behind his ear.
His voice is deep and sultry, “fuck yeah, that’s it.” You wail in his hold, pushing yourself to meet his thrusts below. Your thighs burn but the pleasure burns so much hotter.
You feel your second orgasm of the night rising within you and can tell Taehyung is close too. Taehyung assists you, using his thighs to push up into you. Your juices drip down onto his pelvis and both of your breaths get heavier.
His thrusts are fast and rough, creating loud slapping noises that echo around his empty apartment. He grunts, folding his head into the crook of your neck. He’s about to cum and so are you.
With one final gasp your release hits you like a truck. Your thigh shakes in his lap and Taehyung bites at the delicate skin of your neck. His warm seed shoots inside of you, eliciting a small sigh from your lips.
Taehyung releases his hold to lean back onto the couch. He keeps his softening cock inside of you, lazily staring at your fucked out expression.
You play with his rings, “well, how did I do?”
The shit-eating grin is back. “Hmmm, I think you may need more practice.”
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Text
Day 125: Accidental Bonding (Part One)
When Harry woke up, his head was pounding and his heart was racing, he thought he might vomit. He staggered over to the floo to firecall in to work.
Robards answered, "Junior Auror Potter, good morning."
"Hello, sir," he said before his stomach heaved and he had to turn away and take a few deep breaths to steady himself. "I need to call in sick, sir. I think I've got a virus."
"What are your symptoms?" he asked curiously.
"Really bad headache, it feels like my eyes are going to pop out of my head; elevated pulse; and nausea."
His brow furrowed, "Who was your training partner yesterday?"
"Malfoy, sir," he said, his gut twisting uncomfortably.
"Where did you go?"
"Excuse me-" he broke off and held up a hand, turning away from the fireplace to try to get his bearings as his stomach tried to eject itself through his esophagus. After a moment he turned back, "We were sent to that old antique shop, sir," he said as quickly as he could manage.
"You're going to need to go to St. Mungo's."
"I don't-"
"That's not a request, Potter. Go there now and I'll be sending Junior Auror Malfoy right along."
"But-" Harry started.
"No buts, Malfoy called in with the same symptoms and I'm not taking any chances," and without another word he ended their connection.
With a sigh and one more longing look at his bed, Harry headed to St. Mungos.
(Read more below the cut)
They ended up putting Malfoy in the same room as him since they were there at the Ministry's behest and with the same symptoms. Harry tried not to look at him, imagining that getting irritated would only worsen his ever growing headache. Malfoy must have felt the same because he was less annoying that usual.
Healer Kenner, a stern looking woman who reminded Harry very much of Professor McGonagall, ran diagnostic test after diagnostic test and then finally said, "Well, you're bonded."
"What?" Harry yelped.
Malfoy groaned, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."
"Language, Auror Malfoy," she tsked.
"Apologies."
With a short nod, she continued, "The good news is that most of your discomfort can be alleviate by simple physical contact."
"And the bad news?" Harry asked wryly.
"There's nothing we can do to break the bond."
"What?" Malfoy spat.
"Surely, there's something-" Harry started.
She shook her head, "I'm afraid not. But it's not permanent," Healer Kenner added. "It'll only last a month."
"A month?!" Harry asked incredulously.
"Well it's certainly better than forever," Malfoy snarked, rubbing his hands over his face.
Harry wondered if Malfoy's head hurt as much as his did. He certainly hoped so.
But before he could say anything, Healer Kenner raised her wand and cast a spell the dragged their beds across the floor to the other. "Hold hands," she instructed.
He crossed his arms over his chest and Malfoy let out a pitiful groan.
"The sooner you do it, the sooner you'll start to feel better," she chided. "Just be glad that this particular bond only wants prolonged physical contact."
Harry shuddered, he'd heard the stories about some of the more archaic bonds.
"Oh, for Circe's sake," Malfoy grumbled as he reached across the space between them and clasped Harry's forearm in his hand.
A sense of relief hit immediately, Harry groaned as a weight lifted off his chest and the headache started receding.
"It will be faster if you both actively participate."
At this point, as the waves of relief were rolling through him, Harry was willing to do anything. He flipped over his hand, offering it to Malfoy.
The other man slid his hand down Harry's arm, as though he was afraid to break contact with him, and clasped Harry's hand in his.
She was right, his world seemed to right itself as they sat there holding hands and he let his head drop back against the bed as he took full, deep breaths for what felt like the first time in ages.
"How long do we have before it starts to feel like that again?" Malfoy asked, which Harry could admit was a good question.
She hummed, "I'd say two hours maximum before the discomfort starts affecting the way you function." After a short pause, Healer Kenner added, "You're going to probably want to spend nights together."
"Can't we just see each other in the morning?" Malfoy asked.
And Harry couldn't help but agree, "This wasn't that bad," he added. "And now that we know-"
She shook her head, "Now that your bodies are acknowledging the bond, the effects will set in quicker."
"Great," Harry grumbled. "Just bloody fantastic."
This day just kept going from bad to worse. He had no idea how he was going to tell everyone that he had an accidental bonding with Draco sodding Malfoy.
----------------
They argued about whose house to stay in overnight and finally decided to flip a coin for it. Draco won.
And that was how Harry found himself standing with a duffel bag outside of a surprisingly cute little house, knocking and waiting to be let in.
"Potter," Malfoy greeted as he opened the door to let him in.
And Harry wondered if he was feeling the bond tugging at his skin, too, if the bond was making his gut clench and making him feel irritable and like there was something crawling under his skin. "Can I-?" he started through gritted teeth, reaching a hand toward Malfoy but stopping a few inches away.
Malfoy nodded and closed the distance between them.
The moment he touched the other man his body sagged with relief, swaying back against the doorway.
After a moment, Malfoy released his hand and gestured toward the rest of his house, "Come in," he said. "It's nothing fancy," Malfoy said, "But it's home and it's not something that my family owned."
Harry wasn't quite sure what to make of that statement, so he just focused on looking around the house as Malfoy gave him the tour. Malfoy was right, it wasn't anything fancy but it was surprisingly cozy. It was nothing like Harry had expected; he'd imagined black leather and green decor, dark and broody. But the house was the opposite, the closest anything got to Slytherin green was the sea form green accents in the bathroom. "You have a nice house," Harry said.
"You needn't sound surprised," Malfoy said with a sniff, "I have excellent taste," he added as he opened the door to the bedroom.
The bedroom had pale blue walls and cream bedding, the dresser and wardrobe were both a dark wood that Harry couldn't identify. All in all, it was a nice room, very relaxing.
"You can use this drawer," Malfoy said, flicking his wand at the second drawer to open it, "And I cleared a space for you in the closet."
"Err, thanks," Harry said.
He rolled his eyes, "Don't mention it. I know it's hard for you to believe but I can actually be considerate when the mood strikes."
Before Harry could reply, Malfoy left the room, calling over his shoulder, "I'm making salmon and rice for dinner. If you don't like it you can make something for yourself."
This wasn't quite what he'd expected, Malfoy wasn't quite what he expected, he thought as he put his clothes away. Maybe Malfoy wasn't who Harry thought he was.
------------
Nope. Malfoy was precisely who Harry thought he was. The two of them had spent the entire night arguing about literally everything: about using coasters (when they were wizards and removing water stains was no big deal), about which clothes Harry should have hung or left folded, about the proper way to do the dishes, about their friends and the kind of people they were, and dozens of other things that made Harry want to tear his hair out.
They were still bickering when they went to bed because Malfoy had the nerve to critique the way Harry brushed his teeth and to demand that Harry wash his face before he get into bed.
"I'm not letting the oil in your skin damage my pillowcases!"
"My skin doesn't damage pillowcases," Harry snapped. "I have pillowcases too, you know, and none of them have oil stains."
"Potter wash your fucking face or I am covering your pillow with a paper bag," Malfoy threatened. "It's not a fucking hard request. It will take you literally two minutes."
"Fine!" Harry shouted, throwing his hands in the air and returning to the bathroom.
When he came out, Malfoy was already on the left side of the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard, reading a book. "Was that so hard?" he drawled.
"Oh fuck off," Harry grumbled as took off his glasses and he threw himself down on the right side of the bed, punching a pillow for the sheer pleasure of punching something.
"You're such a bloody neanderthal," Malfoy grumbled without looking up at Harry.
"Shut up!" Harry finally erupted. "For Merlin's sake just shut up and I will, too."
Malfoy glanced over at him, looking unperturbed which honestly made Harry even more frustrated.
"It's going to take me ages to fall asleep because I'm so fucking irritated."
After a moment, Malfoy reached over and put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "It's the bond," he said quietly. "We're not touching often enough and it's making us lash out."
"I don't think we need any help in that department," Harry grumbled but he could admit that he was feeling better already.
Malfoy chuckled, "You're right about that, I suppose."
He shook his head and reached up to cover Malfoy's hand with his own and expedite the process. "This does help though," he said with a yawn.
The other man hummed, "I think we should agree now that whenever either of us wakes up over night that we'll reach out and touch the other so we can get as much sleep as possible."
Through a yawn Harry murmured, "Sounds reasonable." He closed his eyes, surprised at how tired he was feeling all of the sudden. "Merlin, I'm knackered."
"Do you mind if I leave the light on to read for a while?" Malfoy asked.
He opened one eye to look at Malfoy's blurry face, "That's nice of you to ask," he said. "I don't mind."
"Are you certain?"
He nodded. "Night."
"Good night," Malfoy replied, going back to his book but leaving his hand on Harry's shoulder.
Harry drifted off, asleep in minutes.
------------
When Harry woke up again, the sun was peaking in through the curtains and he felt fantastic. He blinked open his eyes and realized that at some point during the night he and Malfoy had shifted, drifting until Harry's front was pressed tight against Malfoy's back, his body curled around the other man's.
He really ought to move.
But he was just so comfortable and his body was warm and loose and he just couldn't bring himself to move away.
It wasn't long before Malfoy started to shift, waking up slowly and Harry panicked. He did the only thing that he could think of and feigned sleep.
Malfoy arched and stretched, pressing his body back against Harry's for a long, delicious moment before he jumped, seeming to realize what he was doing. Then he held very still like he was waiting for something and Harry wondered if he was waiting for him to say something. When Harry didn't move and continued pretending to sleep Malfoy carefully withdrew himself and climbed out of bed to head to the loo.
Harry laid there for a long moment, missing the warmth of the other man's body, missing the way they'd seemed to fit together already.
Just the bond, he assured himself. This was all just the bond.
Right?
-----------------
Ahhh friends, I'm sorry. I hate to leave you like this but this one's going to need a part two. This girl is exhausted and this fic(let) is taking way longer than anticipated to write. I'll get part two written and posted tomorrow. <3 Lots of love, C
Part 2
Day 124: Joke | Day 126: Arranged Marriage
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Note
Omg I have an angsty request that I’m sure is going to rip my heart out and light it on fire. It’s a super long and specific request so sorry if I get carried away:
Okay so reader had an unspoken thing in the glade with Gally but then he “died” so over the course of the events of scorch trials she got closer with newt and they start their own unspoken thing. But then in the death cure, newt (realizing he has the flare) starts encouraging her to reconcile with gally because he knows that he’s gonna die and gally will take care of her? But she’s confused on who she loves but kinda clings to what she has with newt because he needs her. And she’s just heart b r o k e n over newt dying but gally helps put her pieces back together in the safe haven and eventually they have their fluffy first time together?
Thanks!
*Fanfare* *Triumphant Music* I finally finished this one! Sorry it took a while, I really wanted this to be perfect. But I think I'm quite happy with how this one turned out! I hope you like it too, sweet Anon. Btw, I know you wanted smut, but I just didn't think it would fit with this one. Sorry, maybe on the next one!
Over 5.2k words, so strap in for a long one y'all
Possible Trigger Warning: Self Harm
~~~~~~~~~~
During your time in the Glade, you were practically attached at the hip with Gally.
He was your best friend, your first go to whenever you had any issues, and you were the same to him.
After his supposed death, you felt a void in your soul. You took on a nihilistic attitude, nothing in life making sense anymore. You didn't care about what happened to you or around you, you wished you had died with Gally, the idea of it being welcomed with open arms.
The thought of dying brought no anxiety, no dread. Even the thought of dying painfully didn't scare you, you wanted it. Everyday you thought about that spear going through Gally's chest, wanting to feel what he must've felt. You wanted to feel the same pain and fear, you wanted to feel like you were dying too.
No rational side of you could explain why you felt this way. Perhaps, if you felt the same pain he felt, maybe it would give some sort of closure. Maybe it would make you feel like you were still close to him, even in death.
It wasn't too long before you decided to act on those feelings. You had been only a knife to your chest, right where your heart was, hyping yourself up to push the blade into your skin.
You didn't want to kill yourself, no. You wanted your death to be natural, not forced. You'd suffer your own existence until your time eventually came like it did for everyone else. But Newt didn't know this when he happened upon you that night, just a couple centimeters of a blade shredding its way into your skin.
Newt panicked, immediately stopping your from hurting yourself, his heart racing at the thought of being too late. But thankfully, he wasn't.
You tried to seem somewhat normal, but the laughter bubbling from your chest couldn't be withheld, making Newt fear that you had lost your mind. He wasn't too far off...
He knew how much Gally's death impacted you, he knew you were in pain every second of every day, but he never thought you'd go so far as hurting yourself. He just silently patched you up, fearing anything he would say from a good place would only upset you further.
Eventually, you explained why you had done what you did. It obviously didn't sit right with Newt. He wasn't particularly close with Gally back in the Glade, but he knew well enough that he wouldn't want you to be living with this mindset.
After a while in the Scorch, you stuck by Newt the most and you started to get better. You felt so empty after Gally's death, leaving a hole in your heart. Newt helped lead you out of that void, trying his best to fit that empty space. But you knew nobody could replace Gally, not even Newt. You knew that space could never be filled, but just seeing Newt try to be that person for you, it was too endearing not to pull at what heartstrings you had left.
Then the complications happened, so much time spent believing that Gally was dead came crashing down as he stood in front of you all, very much not dead.
You thought it had to be a dream, could he really be here?
It was strange. You thought you'd run to him, leap into his arms and kiss all over his face, but you didn't. You stood next to your friends awkwardly as he took off his gas mask. To think you'd be more outwardly happy that someone you cared about was still alive. But you couldn't help the guilt that you felt when Gally said that they left him to die. Sure, it might've not been specifically directed to you, but you felt the sharp sting of his words resonate through you. It almost felt like a strong invisible force hit your funny bone, the volt of uncomfortable aching pain spreading throughout your entire body and leaving you in a breathless agony.
For Gally, he was overjoyed to see you alive and well. He so badly wanted to go to you, feel you in his arms again. But he knew he couldn't, how could he after how he treated everyone back in the Glade?
He didn't remember a lot, but he knew he killed Chuck. The blurry memories of that day, he saw it every night in his dreams. He remembered the sound of the gunshot, the sudden pain in his chest and not being able to breathe. He saw Chuck laying beside him, his expressionless eyes trained on the ceiling, unmoving. His chest wasn't rising and falling like it should've been, blood seeping through his layers of clothing. The most purest soul Gally ever met was dead, and it was his fault.
Gally couldn't even bring himself to look in your direction, he was too disgusted with himself.
Thomas punching Gally wasn't a big shock, he knew he deserved it. But Newt quickly came to his rescue, stopping Thomas from acting out irrationally. But a part of Gally didn't want the Greenie to be stopped. Being punched wasn't something he enjoyed, but Gally would willingly endure whatever punishment that would be inflicted and he'd accept that he deserved it. But nothing he could do or say would bring Chuck back...
When Gally did finally force himself to look at you, he wish he hadn't. You looked indifferent, which never happened with you. He instantly thought that you hated him as much as Thomas did, but then again, he deserved it.
It was really tough for Gally to keep a conversation with everyone while he took them to see Lawrence, especially when he noticed how close you stuck by Newt. But, he supposed it was only natural to find another person to be close to when you've lost someone else, he still couldn't help the feeling of jealousy that bubbled up in his chest. He hated how good you and Newt looked together, you seemed...happy.
At the moment, you weren't even close to happy; you were confused, and angry.
It sounded terrible, but a part of you was angry that Gally was actually still alive. You had to go through the mourning process, and you hadn't even finished it and now all of a sudden, he was alive all this time. It put your emotions on haywire, the most you felt was confusion, and if someone would've told you what you were experiencing was some sort of a twisted dream, you would believe them. But your feet were too sore and sunburn too irritating for this all to be a dream.
You sensed Newt's eyes trained on you, you knew he was probably worried, but you couldn't decide what for. Was he worried that you'd go back to Gally? Was he worried you'd replace him now that he was still alive? Knowing Newt, he probably just wanted to talk to you, but even then, you would have no idea what to say. What do people feel or say in situations like this? You were certain not everyone has to go through the loss of a loved one just to find out that they weren't gone, right?
It was late, and you were exhausted, as was everyone else; but you stayed awake, attempting to sleep only causing you to toss and turn, and eventually giving up. But someone else was awake, you were shocked to see that it was Newt. "What're doing awake?" He asked, taking a seat next to you.
"Could ask you the same thing." You replied, only getting a look from Newt in response. "Couldn't sleep." You sighed, caving in to his concerned expression.
"I know it's not my place," Newt started, wringing his hands together nervously, "but, you haven't said a word to Gally." You knew he was going to bring that up, you had that feeling as soon as he saw you were still awake. "I know it was a shock, to all of us. But I thought it'd effect you the most, to be quite honest. You two were pretty close..."
You shrugged weakly, shaking your head. "I don't know what to tell you. Was I supposed to react a certain way? Was I supposed to drop to my knees and burst into tears or something?"
Newt grimaced. "No...of course you're not supposed to act a certain way. It's just a bit strange to me that you haven't tried to speak to him at all."
"I don't even know what I'd say to him." You chuckled bitterly.
"I know you and Gally had something, something special. That sort of thing doesn't just go away. You were absolutely gutted after what happened, this is a chance to reconnect. You care about him, a lot."
"Hey, that doesn't change the way I feel about you. I care about you a lot too."
Newt smiled weakly. "I know, but I really think you should go and talk to him."
You could tell he was being sincere, but you couldn't understand why. You two had grown close over the past several months, so why would he want you to reconnect with someone you used to be even closer with? You weren't really given the time to think over it more before Newt was quickly encouraging you to speak with Gally, telling you where his room was, somehow knowing this conversation would happen and finding out beforehand.
Just a few moments later, you found yourself outside of Gally's door, fist extended out to hover over the worn wood, but you couldn't bring yourself to knock. Thinking back to how hard you tried to avoid Gally when he came back, what if he thought you hated him? What if he didn't want to talk to you?
But before you could chicken out, you forced yourself to knock on Gally's door without thinking, soon hearing the thud of footsteps nearing. With bated breath, you waited for the door to open, anxiety gripping your mind so intensely that it almost triggered your fight or flight response. But Gally's almost hopeful and shocked expression when he saw you waiting relaxed you a little bit. "...hi." Gally voiced, the nervous and confused tone to his voice not going unnoticed by you.
"Hi." You replied, your voice probably just as shaky and nervous as his.
"Uh, come in." He said quickly, moving out of the doorframe, his hands slightly shaking when he motioned you to enter his room.
Your heart was beating out of your chest, so fast and hard that you were worried Gally would be able to hear it. Your hands were shaking, as well as your legs as you walked into his room, it was a miracle you didn't collapse right then and there. You tried not to jump as you heard the click of his door closing, you tried to take deep calming breaths before Gally turned to face you, the two of you almost on complete opposite sides of the room just standing awkwardly.
You stared at Gally, your gaze running up and down his body but ultimately stopping to stare at his chest. Tears quickly came to your eyes as you saw how healthy he looked, like a spear wasn't embedded in his chest months ago. You couldn't stop the flow of whimpers that came from your throat, putting your hands up to cover your face in embarrassment. You felt your face start to burn as you felt Gally's arms wrap around you as soon as you started to cry, but his warmth comforting you only caused you to let out more tears.
You never thought you'd be in his arms again.
Gally stood there silently, holding you and just trying to soothe you as best he could. In the back of his mind, he was astonished that you even let him come near you, you had avoided him altogether up until this moment. But the whimpers he heard coming from you, seeing the tears spilling from your eyes, he instinctively went to hug you. He also couldn't ignore the guilt he felt, thinking that you were crying because of him. He hated it. But you hugged him back tightly, burying your face in his chest and trying to stifle your sobs.
"You're here..." You cried softly, "you're really here..."
Gally's lip trembled, tears of his own brimming his eyes at how much pain you must've been in thinking he was dead all this time, your voice giving away your feelings. He exhaled shakily, "I am here." He placed a kiss to the top of your head. "I'm here."
For a few minutes, you and Gally just held each other silently. You both needed this, understanding how badly you missed one another. Soon, you were able to calm yourself, but you still didn't pull away. Gally only pulled away slightly so he could see your face, frowning when he saw your eyes were puffy and tearstained. "I'm so sorry, Y/n."
You furrowed your brows, shaking your head. "What happened wasn't your fault, Gally." You said genuinely. No matter how much pain and anger you felt about what happened to Chuck, you never once blamed him. You knew W.C.K.D. killed him, and every other Glader who died. But Gally's frown told you everything you needed to know; he still blamed himself.
"I should've gone with you." He whispered, resting his forehead against yours. "How can you even stand the sight of me?"
"Because I know you never would've killed anyone if you weren't stung, especially Chuck."
Hearing Chuck's name out loud made tears brim Gally's eyes once more, tightening his fists in anger at himself. "Chuck deserved so much better...he wasn't supposed to die..." He cried, causing you to pull him back into your embrace, rubbing his back while trying to not to cry again.
"None of us deserved to get experimented on."
Eventually, you lead Gally to sit next to you on his bed, holding his hand. It felt so right to be sitting there with Gally, you missed him so much that you despised ever feeling even the slightest bit of anger when you first saw that Gally was alive. But one emotion did not go away, you still felt confused.
While sitting there with Gally, you couldn't help but think about Newt. He was so adamant about you reconciling with Gally, was he hoping that something would happen between you two? You truly cared a lot about Newt, and you knew he felt the same way, so you couldn't understand why he was acting this way.
You sighed softly when you started to feel sleepy, standing up slowly. "I should probably head back."
Gally quickly stood up with you. "Uh, you could stay here if you want?" He stammered, causing you to smile a little.
"That's okay. I already had a sleeping bag set up for me downstairs, so..."
Gally tried to hide his disappointed frown, choosing to walk up to you until you two were face to face. Maybe it was too soon, but ever since he saw you, Gally had the strongest urge to place his lips on yours. He missed your soft lips that he only had the privilege of feeling a few times back in the Glade before everything happened. He gently grabbed hold of your jaw, tilting your face up and leaning forward slowly.
You wanted him, you wanted him so bad. But before his lips could connect, Newt's face popped up in your mind and you couldn't, you forced yourself to turn away.
You tried not to look at Gally's face, knowing that he'd probably look like a kicked puppy. You couldn't, it would be too painful. "It's Newt." Gally frowned, taking a step back.
Your eyes widened, finally taking a glance over to him to indeed see that his expression was one of disappointment and sadness. "I never said-"
"You didn't have to." Gally interrupted. "I see the way you look at him...it's how you used to look at me." You stayed silent, a feeling of guilt washing over you. "I don't blame you, Y/n, for finding someone else. I'd never expect you to grieve over me forever, that's too selfish."
Hearing this, you had a terrifying thought that you needed to voice out loud. "Did you ever find someone else?" You asked nervously, afraid of his answer.
"No..." He smiled weakly, "No one that could ever compare to you."
You hated that you felt relieved, you were the one who seemed to be selfish. But, you couldn't just drop what you had with Newt now that Gally's still alive. You couldn't say anything else, what could you say to that?
"You should get some sleep." Gally said, opening his door and motioning you to get out.
"Gally..." You whispered.
"Please. Just...we have a busy day tomorrow."
You sighed. You couldn't argue with him.
Newt watched you walk back downstairs, getting into your sleeping bag with a very prominent frown. Doesn't seem like it went well, he thought. He felt relieved and frustrated at the same time. Newt really cared for you, he could even go as far as saying he loved you, but he needed you and Gally to get back together, or become friends again at least.
It wasn't too long ago that Newt found out he had the Flare. He saw the black and purple veins slowly travelling up his arm, and the pain, the pain was the worst part. You had already gotten close to him, so he was heartbroken to know that you'd just lose another person you cared for. After Gally, he knew you wouldn't be able to handle another loss. So when Gally showed up out of the blue, it was like a miracle, Newt's prayers had been answered.
Newt felt jealousy, of course, he wanted to stay with you. He didn't want Gally to take you from him, but what use would he be when he was dead or a Crank? He tried not to be angry with you, it wasn't your fault how you were feeling, but he needed to know you'd be okay when he was gone.
Newt did try talking to you about it, but you always changed the subject or simply didn't answer him. Before you all knew it, it was time to start planning Minho's rescue mission. Thomas didn't want to use Teresa, and hearing that only made Newt's anger bubble to the surface.
It wasn't like Newt to lash out like that, he was always so calm and relaxed. Maybe the stress finally got to him, maybe it was something else...
You immediately followed after Newt when he stormed out after yelling at Thomas, not knowing that Gally's sad eyes were following you. You couldn't think of anything else, you just had to know that Newt was okay.
You found Newt on the roof, sitting on the ledge. "Newt?" You asked, concerned. "Are you okay...?" You stepped closer captiously, finally taking a seat next to him.
Newt only smiled bitterly. "No...no, not really."
You sighed, looking out to the horizon, trying to find the right words to say. "We all thought Teresa was our friend...it's okay to be angry."
Newt shook his head. "It's not that."
You furrowed your brows. "Then, why did you lash out at Thomas?"
Newt bit his lip to keep it from trembling. He never wanted you to find out this way. He didn't even want you to know. But after that scene he made, he knew there was no point in hiding it anymore.
Tears came to your eyes as Newt lifted up his jacket sleeve, revealing his discolored arm. You knew what it was immediately, seeing it on every Crank you came across. "No..." You whispered. "No."
"I know I probably shouldn't have kept it from you, but I was scared. I still am."
"We'll fix it!" You quickly said, it sounding more like a plead. "We'll find another cure!"
Newt only gave you a weak smile. "I don't think that's a possibility right now, love. Besides, Minho needs us."
"No, you're not allowed to give up like that, Newt. We'll find something to help you. If Brenda was cured, so can you. Teresa might-"
"Please, Y/n." Newt voiced sharply. "Please...just stop. I don't need false hope."
Before you could say anything else, you heard the roof access door open, Thomas walking up to the two of you. "Y/n, can I, uh, talk to Newt? Alone?"
You looked to Newt, who nodded, signaling for you to leave. You stood up, speed walking inside and down the stairs. The tears kept falling, blurring your vision, and you had no idea what to do. Newt was dying, and there was nothing that you could do about it, and it didn't seem like he was too eager to try and find a cure. You hoped Thomas could talk some sense into him. But in that moment, your feet subconsciously took you to Gally's little apartment. You stood in front of the door in tears, wishing that you didn't feel the urge to find comfort in him when Newt was sick. But, you knocked on the door, quickly placing yourself in Gally's arms as soon as he was in front of you.
Gally didn't know what was wrong, he barely got a good look at your face before you threw yourself at him. But the way you were shaking and whimpering, he knew you were crying, and he didn't have the heart to pull away from you. He walked backwards and shut his door, leading you to sit down on his bed with him. He just held you as you cried, leaning his head down on top of yours until you calmed down. He finally spoke when your cries were just quiet sniffles. "What happened?"
You exhaled a shaky breath, lifting your head to look at Gally. "Newt has the Flare..."
"W-What...?" Had Gally heard that right? Could his mind be playing tricks on him? He just assumed everyone that was in the Glade was immune, that's why they were there, right? But you repeated what you had said, confirming what Gally thought he heard. "I...I'm so sorry..." That's all Gally could say. He wasn't very well spoken in these types of situations, all he could do was bring you back into another hug.
You finally understood why Newt was pushing you to get close to Gally again; he wanted you to be close to someone when he died.
Yet another situation that had you confused. You knew you loved Gally, you always had, he was your best friend. But now you had Newt, he helped you through everything while in the Scorch, helped you try to overcome your grieve and probably saved your life multiple times. How could you possibly make a decision like this?
You and Gally never put a label on what you had in the Glade, and nobody asked either, not even Alby. You both just knew that you cared for one another, that you'd do anything for the other. But as time went on, you felt guilty knowing what you'd ultimately choose. It was always going to be a lose lose for you.
Newt needed you, and you couldn't leave him when he needed you the most.
Gally, deep down, knew what your decision was going to be. You had a big heart. You never would leave anyone behind, even if they were infected. Back in the Glade, Gally wouldn't have hesitated in sacrificing the few to save the many, but you were never like that. You cared about everyone, especially the people who were closest to you. You never were going to give up on Newt, you couldn't now. You would spend as much time with him as possible, what little time he might've had left. And you did, until he took his final breath.
You felt like you were a glass vase that had been shattered, and every time you tried to pick up the pieces, the glass would just cut deeper and deeper into your skin. It felt like life didn't want you to be put back together. Nothing felt real. Everything that happened in the Last City felt like a fever dream. You hoped that one day you'd wake up and you'd be back in the Glade, everyone was still alive. Maybe if you could go back in time, maybe you could save everyone, maybe you could've convinced Gally to listen to Thomas, maybe you could've held off Newt a bit longer in time for Brenda to give him the cure.
A lot of maybe's, a lot of hopes and prayers, never answered.
Now in the Safe Haven, you felt anything but safe.
You didn't talk to anyone for awhile, not even Gally. You had nothing to say, and you were afraid of breaking down in front of everyone. So, you isolated yourself. And then a couple weeks later, you finally felt everything bubble to the surface.
Sitting down somewhere along the coastline, not too close to the water, but close enough that you could feel the salty breeze of the waves hit you gently as the evening cooled when the sun started to go set.
You tucked yourself up into a ball, your knees as close as you could get them to your chest and your arms wrapped tightly around them. And, you cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. The ugly kind of crying. Your tears weren't coming out one eye at a time in a perfectly straight line down your face like in the movies, you weren't making quiet sniffles or whimpers, you were full on sobbing. Tears came out of your eyes so fast that you could barely make out the sun on the horizon, your shirt sleeves were most definitely covered in snot and whatever salty tears it had the chance to catch. Your throat felt like it was being torn apart by how intense your sobs were. The sobs sounded more like you were having a coughing fit, one of those phlegmy hacking coughs that made you feel like you were going to vomit.
You knew you most likely weren't far enough away from the camp to quiet your weeping, and you knew you were just embarrassing yourself, arranging for yourself to be completely humiliated the next morning when you had to face everybody. But in the moment, you couldn't care less. You loss someone so important to you, it felt like losing Gally all over again. But you knew this time, it was final. No surprise resurrections this time. You felt completely, and utterly, alone.
But you never were.
You felt so dissociated and detached from yourself, the wails of grief too much for your body to handle. You couldn't feel anything around you, not the warmth of the sand, not the slight chill breeze, not even Gally's arms wrapped around you tightly. You didn't realize until you passed out from exhaustion, waking up the next morning in a bed that wasn't yours, and a hut that wasn't yours.
Your vision was still a little bit blurry, all the tears from the night previous crusting to the creases around your eyes, making it a bit of a challenge opening them all the way. But, your other sense were intact enough to tell you that bacon and eggs were next to you on a bedside table. You hadn't eaten the day before, so it was mostly a primal reaction to quickly take the plate and gobble up the food.
You still had to rely on context clues to figure out where you were in the camp. As much as your eyes irritated you, they could now finally work once you were wide awake. You probably should've known immediately who's hut it was, but seeing that familiar grey knitted hoodie settled ungracefully over the backrest of a chair, you knew it was Gally's.
You blushed quickly after that realization. How did he know where you were, and how much did he see? The thought of him seeing you in such a state made you cringe. But what was more horrifying was that Gally was right outside the room, waiting for you to wake up. "Hey..." He voiced, his eyebrows knitted in concern, eyes full of sadness.
You had to look away, the heat rushing to your face making you feel like you were going to pass out again. "Hi." You croaked, your vocal cords still sore and raw.
Gally shifted his weight nervously, taking a step closer to you. "I'm sorry, for bringing you here...I was afraid you were going to hurt yourself." You snapped you gaze back to him in confusion, him quickly blushing, scratching the back of his head. "Uh, Newt told me about what you did to yourself after...after the Maze."
You self-consciously rubbed the spot on your chest where a big scar still remained. "I wasn't trying to...you know, kill myself or anything."
"Forgive me if I don't believe you." He said softly, taking a seat on the bed next to you.
You sighed, crossing your arms. "I just...I didn't know what I was thinking."
Gally gently grabbed ahold of your hand, making you uncross your arms, letting his warm hand take yours. "I'm so sorry, Y/n. Newt should be here with the rest of us. He was a good person."
You nodded as tears came to your eyes again, burning enough to make you whimper, and you leaned your head against Gally's shoulder. "I miss him so much." You cried.
Eventually, you and Gally became close again. He was always there for you. Whenever you had nightmares, whenever you were lonely, whenever you needed anything, Gally would always be there. You started to feel your relationship had almost gotten back to the point where it was in the Glade, it had been almost a year, but you still felt it was too early to be moving on. A part of you didn't want to move on, but you knew that's not what Newt wanted either.
You didn't read the note Newt wrote to you when Thomas first gave it to you. The grief was still too near, and you didn't know if you could handle it. But a couple months after your breakdown, you finally read it. Newt loved you, he had always loved you. And he wanted you to be happy, he didn't want you to be sad that he was gone, even though he knew it would be impossible. But he knew you would be okay, he knew Gally would protect you no matter what. Reading his note was part of the reason you knew it would be okay to be with Gally, it just took you some time.
One day, you and Gally were taking a break from working, just sitting near the forest tree line, and you did it; you kissed him, and you couldn't stop, you didn't want to stop. And you didn't, and neither did Gally.
After that, it was almost impossible to spend any time away from each other.
You never thought you'd smile again, but Gally always found a way. He made you so happy, and it made you cry one night when you finally realized that you were happy, and you knew somewhere out there, it made Newt happy.
~~~~~~~~~~
Cries in Español
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niconebula · 3 years
Text
I was worried the show might just drop this plotline or retcon it. I should have had more faith, because after that tiny scene in Episode 9 I can say Koito is/was definitely in love with Ai. And it was probably mutual. I’m not going to lead into this one much, but heres a list of the ‘evidence’ to convince you. Just going to go chronologically here. By the way, notice the constant push / assumption of heteronormativity by characters especially later on.
When Ai enters the school we immediately see white lilies. A funeral flower but also the symbol of yuri in Japan. Very subtle. 
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Kurumi asks Ai if she ever had a boyfriend, to no response. She says best friends are forever, but you can break up and end things with a boyfriend.
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Koito is the one who got the closest to Ai, entering her bed (safe space and bubble) immediately. She compliments Ai on her heterochromia, which is the same thing this show uses to later indicate Sawaki’s interest in Ai.
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This shot. And then the hug where I’ve seen multiple people think  they were going to kiss. She asks to be ‘best friends’.
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A tear drips down from Koito’s face and Ai swallows it. 
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Ai’s sandals in the opening theme. 
People on Reddit were having fun with this one so I’ll include it; Ai being thrown into the closet by the Wonder Killer and Ai hiding in the closet while the girls are bullying Koito.
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Their picture in the ED, which seems to be a reference to Ai-Ai Gasa (two people sharing an umbrella as a symbol of romance) - it’s red, too. 
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First time Ai is suggested to have a crush on the teacher, and thats why she’s a shut-in. Ai says no, it’s because of Koito. Rika then tries to say Ai only was friends with Koito for her beauty, which makes her mad. But she was pretty. 
Ai says if Koito had only told her about her plans, she would have agreed to die with her. And earlier on she is horrified seeing them in the classroom together, though maybe anyone would be.
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Just this shot with the billowing curtains and breeze. 
In episode 5 girls for the second time gossiping that Koito has a crush on the teacher and was even dating him. This is their immediate assumption, of course - and this actually aligns them with the bullies way of thinking / assumption she was looking for ‘special treatment’.
The entire run of Punch Drunk Day (episode 6) being about Ai and the teacher, where the girls now suggest again that Ai is also in love with the teacher. They play with this the entire episode until the end where Ai finally declares -- she’s going back to school. 
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Now this great scene. Ai again just assumes that her crush is on the teacher, of course. But this time it seems somewhat weird and hinting at something. They play what is effectively a ouija like game (don’t know the cultural context here sorry) asking if Koito’s crush likes her back. The coin says yes and it makes Koito happy. The entire time we don’t see her face, which makes me think she was looking at Ai smiling and not the coin. 
Ai has likely never considered that Koito could have liked her, or she could have feelings for Koito. She has low self esteem in the first place, and with her idealized view of Koito probably felt lesser-than. There’s also this angle of heteronormativity here - there’s constant gossip about how they must love the teacher. He’s attractive and all the other girls at school like him so they must too. Ai has probably deeply internalized this. When characters insist so heavily on something being true yet there is a mystery going on - they’re probably wrong.
Meta Extras:
This interview with Wakabayashi after Episode 1. 
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Anemoneria (their music group) is said to be relevant with flower language on the website. The four meanings of Anemones are: 「はかない恋」「恋の苦しみ」「見捨てられた」「見放された」// “Fleeting love” “The pain of love” “Abandoned” “Forsaken”. I have my own small theory each of these correlates to a specific girl, and there’s two romantic meanings. 
My favourite little pun is if you put their names together like this KoitoAi; it can be read as love and love. 恋と愛
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rumblelibrary · 3 years
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Hello 👀❤️
So... I don't know if this will work or not, but I thought why not, I send it in... And if you don't like it, that's completely fine ❤️🔥
I really like how you write the characters' mind... What they are thinking or how they act... I was thinking, maybe a new mechanic (Reader) at Ferrari (yes, it's a Niki Lauda fic, you know me❤️🔥) who is really shy, but very good at their job, and Niki likes them and he is an asshole with everyone (which is normal from him) EXCEPT with the Reader... And like... Maybe at first he doesn't realize this, but then he does, and gets all conflicted like why is he getting soft suddenly, out of nowhere... (It is obvious, but not for him)... I'm curious how you would see this, write this... The ending of this story is up to you ❤️❤️
Love you ❤️🔥👀
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What Is This Feeling [Niki Lauda x Mechanic!Reader]
Word count: 2.5k Warnings: lot of swearing by our favourite Rat King Author’s note: Niki is quickly turning into my comfort character to unleash my sass, thank you for giving me the chance to write him!
Part 2
On your first day at Ferrari nobody took you seriously, but to be a mechanic wasn’t exactly typing letters, it was not a place where somebody high up in the ranks would set a lover to give her some benefit and a free pay check.
You didn’t talk a lot, you stood your ground from the moment you put hands on any part of the car, but you weren’t exactly the chatty type and, being the only woman, it took you time to be allowed to the after work beer, to the birthdays and all the balancing that came with a good team spirit.
In a world full of bias about women, you were spared thanks to your abilities and knowledge. Or maybe, because the mechanics team had someone bigger to fight: Niki Lauda.
To work with him was thrilling, but stressful.
He would walk in at any hour of the day, break some egos, pile up an amount of changes that to make a brand new car would be a faster option.
You sat on the floor beside the baby, yes baby was the car, it wasn’t like you had to stay on the floor, there were more than plenty working stations, but it felt more comfortable for you: it gave you the chance to stand and look at things from afar, you were in need to touch, to understand, to put things together. It was your skill, but also your curse, because it was hard to gain yourself a space on the floor in such a fast paced environment like the one at Ferrari. You were working on the ignition when he stormed inside, the soft chats died fast and the noise of the radio was the only thing left, but he didn’t seem to mind the effect he had on people.
In a couple of long steps he was in front of one of your colleagues.
“What is this?” The man looked down to his sandwich like it was self explanatory, but the following silence brought him to answer “my lunch”
“Nice” Niki said, his lips curling downward in a very sarcastic amusement “well, take your lunch out of my garage because I don’t want your crumbles in my engine” he hissed picking the crumbles that effectively fell on the working table and sprinkling them like salt on the man’s face.
The man frowned and left to eat outside and avoid to punch him as Niki proceeded to his next victim.
“And you call this a design development? I call this dog shit”
“If this is a well done job, I’d better retire already before I get your good job to crack my skull open”
“Just begin again, don’t even ask”
“Are you sure you don’t work for McLaren? Because by the quality of your work I am starting to wonder”
One after the other all your colleagues fell under the axe of Niki’s commentary.
Nobody was spared, it was a butchery.
“So? What is this?”
You looked up at him as he towered over you, Satan himself would be less scary, and probably less attractive, to your eyes. His standing figure with rebel curls and his Ray-ban glasses in his left hand, the polo shirt under the fancy jacket, even his bad character gave him the edge so many men more conventionally attractive lack.
“I am working on the ignition” you said as he bent down crouching beside you as you showed him, his cologne filling your nostrils like the best smell your nose ever encountered.
“Okay, in what way?” He asked resting his elbows on his knees.
You gulped softly “Well, I am trying to experiment if I change this in here” and you pointed to a section in particular “maybe the car will have a better performance at the beginning of the race”
“Have you considered that it could over work the battery?”
“I did, but I wanted to see if I make here something like this” and you took a little tube showing how you lace it around the section “if I use this to push the cooler to work into this part as well, we might avoid over heating”
He listened touching his chin with the edge of his glasses thoughtfully.
“Give it a try”
He just said standing up.
Your colleagues looked at you shaking their heads as he turned around and everybody looked down to their tasks again, so then he left.
______________________________________________________________________ This wasn’t the first time, he wasn’t letting you do things he didn’t approve, but he always listened to you, he advised you, and the harshest thing he said was probably “I think you’re not looking at the bigger picture”
Nobody commented on it and beside some joke here and there, the little preference he had over you seemed to pass unnoticed mostly by him.
“You know, you really need a girlfriend” Clay, the other driver of the Ferrari alongside him, said during some tests.
Niki looked at him.
“Why? Do I look like one that has to fuck a woman to be fine?”
He laughed as Niki was always so overaggressive “No, but you treat everyone like bullshit beside the new girl, so you either can be an asshole only with men or your seduction technique needs a real check”
He frowned, eyebrows furrowing together as his lips parted in disbelief
“You nuts”
“Maybe, but I haven’t heard you complain about her as much as you complain about the rest of the world”
He shook his head “You are just letting you Italian genes getting your head stupid”
Clay laughed at him nodding knowingly “Sure, sure” he patted harshly on Niki’s back knowing how much he hated to be patted around like that as he moved to talk to one of the mechanics working on his car.
Niki crossed his arms resting against the wall of the garage, his eyes instinctively looking for your figure finding you to one of the working table writing down some notes over the changes applied while looking at the projects.
His eyes dropping on your ass like it was the first time he checked it, realising it wasn’t the first time he mentally noted it.
Well, he couldn’t really say you were unattractive, or not his type, or a good mechanic.
His thought process was suddenly interrupted as Clay himself approached you and you moved on side showing him the papers you were just writing on.
He nodded and said something to you, his hand casually resting on the small of your back making Niki’s jaw almost snap for how much he was gritting his teeth.
You shuffled on side avoiding the touch with a casual smile, but Clay kept talking to you and from afar Niki saw him say something and wave his pointed finger between himself and you. You shook your head and smiled turning down whatever he just offered with all the politeness you had, Niki pursued his lips slightly in amusement for his best girl’s behaviour.
Wait a second. Best girl?
He glared at Clay that smirked at him from afar, a big ‘I knew it’ smirk on his lips.
Niki bit the inside of his cheek not liking it.
He was with you like with everybody else, what the hell.
Niki ignored you all day, when you showed him something he himself requested to be shown, he shuffled away, when you handed him something he was looking for, he looked for it somewhere else, he just wasn’t meeting your eyes and hell and thunderstorm fell upon anyone that even tried to engage a talk with him on that day.
“I can’t with your boyfriend anymore, I swear” one of your colleagues muttered to you.
“He is not my boyfriend” 
He looked at you “Then he’d better be soon, maybe he’ll chill out”
“Are you even paid to stand and do nothing?” Niki shouted from afar and you two parted ways faster than two kids smuggling candies during class. ______________________________________________________________________
The next day was the judgment day for all the changes done on the car, your nerves were cracking as Niki arrived in his driving suit and your eyes immediately snapped a mental photo on his figure.
Did you ever went home wishing to have his company? Yes.
Did you ever wondered if he was so aggressive ever in the intimate times? Way too much.
Did you have any chance? Probably no.
You let out a big sigh as your colleagues reassured you “Hey, if it doesn’t work we either get rid of the rat or have some more time to work on it” he joked but you didn’t feel any better.
Niki looked up as he noticed your worried look, your lips nibbling down on your lips, your foot tapping rhythmically and nervously, the sudden instinct to lean his hand on that waist of yours, to rest his leg beside yours to make it stop that nerve wracking dance, to forbid your lips any more damage not caused by him.
All of that crowded his mind and he growled tiredly.
Stupid Clay, with his stupid theories.
He finished getting ready and put on his helmet settling down in his spot rolling his shoulders back, he needed to focus.
The head mechanic came over him repeating all the changes and just annoying the hell out of him, he is not always around the car only to check you out.
“When you're done telling me what I know, tell me something I don’t, I beg you”
The head mechanic did a big effort not to spit into his face and just left him waving his arms in the air.
You touched on your forehead nervously, if you failed it would show in the timings or maybe the car won’t even start.
You looked at him, seconds before he pulled down the dark lid of his helmet, his dark eyes so focused a shiver creeped over you.
You gasped as the signal was given and the car started.
Your fingers finding their way to your mouth as you nibbled your skin.
The car was fast, that was sure, you leaned beside the head mechanic that was taking the time. You breathed heavily, your mind going through all the changes you did, all the small settlements, the little details.
An eternal list that kept repeating itself.
Then the question as he was halfway through the leap, what if you disappointed him?
What if he asked you to be sent away?
Then you looked down to the chronometer, he was already almost two seconds earlier than usual.
A smile started to grow on you, the excitement filling your veins.
The sound of the engine roaring beautifully, you made it!
Then it happened, some smoke raised up to the sky, one of the wheels snapped, the breath died in your throat.
The car flexed on side but Niki controlled it and guided it against the sandy side of the track that slowed it down until it stopped.
“He was breaking his record” the head mechanic sighed “now he is just going to break our balls”
Niki moved out of the car throwing his helmet on the ground pushing off roughly anyone that tried to help him or check if he was hurt, some of the mechanics moving to the tow truck to recollect the car, Niki moving past you, his face tense and his posture of someone ready to snap some necks. You didn’t see him for the rest of the day, nobody talked about him, nobody mentioned anything as the storm will fall on all of the team the next day.
Now it was the head mechanic to face it for all of you.
______________________________________________________________________
That night you stayed over time, the other colleagues told you to just go home, to not let the thing sink of you, to look at it with fresh eyes and all those circumstantial phrases people gift you when they try to cheer you up. 
As always on the floor, you had now the chance to spread the pieces out, collect them into branches of types and use. You pulled closer your notebook writing down the ideas and things to remember to check, the image of Niki almost crashing gutting you even if you soon realised it wasn’t your change that set off the wheel, but it was part of the cause, the car was now too powerful and the stress on the suspensions was deadly.
You yawned lightly pulling a catalogue of replacements parts trying to find the best mix you could manage, but you surely had to make up something about it. You didn’t expect to solve the problem or to find the solution for everything with a creative twist, but to, at least, plan a sequence of possibilities to present to your chief the next day.
A hand slowly leaning a mug of steaming coffee beside you.
You looked up to find Niki there, another cup in his hand, those messy curls calling to be touched, his impeccable style always winning you over with a dark turtleneck and his tweed jacket.
“Found the problem?” He asked sharply as always.
He was surprised to see you there, he spent the rest of the afternoon after the malfunction with the head mechanic and some of the administrators as he needed a solution in time for the upcoming race.
So he decided he couldn’t trust their promises and reassurances, but take the matter in his own hand, for a change. But when he arrived he saw the lights still on and you there. He was almost tempted to leave, it wasn’t a good moment to screw things with one of his most talented mechanics.
But you, again, were so into it, you looked so beautiful with your working jumpsuit and the hair messed up nibbling on that pen like it was a matter of life and death.
He couldn’t just let you stay so beautiful and alone, who knows who could approach you.
You nodded “I think so” you said showing him the piece, he leaned his head on side studying it 
“May I?”
You nodded as he took off his blazer before joining you on the floor, he crossed his legs, your knees touching as he stole those papers from your hand.
“Signal to the administration this night shift, or they won’t ever pay you” he muttered without looking away from the papers.
You smirked “I know, but it is more a matter of principle than money, I didn’t like the heart attack you gave me today”
You were surprised by your own words, maybe it was because you really were over caffeinated or just realising how it was the first time you were alone and how you felt comfortable around him. No, not comfort, it was trust, you trusted him.
He looked up from the papers up at you, he didn’t replied to your comment straightaway, he let it sink in, he let your presence sink in.
A one-sides smirk appeared on his lips
“It is going to be a long night, then” Tagged @cazzyimagines @lieutenantn @handmaiden-of-mischief@thesunflowersutra Let me know if you want to get added <3
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stolen-pen-name23 · 3 years
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EMIMH12, here
11 or 12 for some disaster trio? If you're still taking prompts 🥰
Hi there!! Thank you for the prompt!! //From these angst prompts.
Here's some post-deception, disaster trio angst for ya!
---
Obi-Wan’s comm crackles to life and he warms at the blue glow of his grandpadawan.
“Ahsoka, it’s good to—”
“Master!” Ahsoka cries. “Obi-Wan are you there?”
“Yes, little one, I’m here,” Obi-Wan says, his senses jumping to full alert. He analyzes her expression — the way her markings are raised in alarm atop widened eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“You need to come here!” she exclaims.
“Where is here?” Obi-Wan asks, already gathering his things.
“Mine and Anakin’s quarters. Hurry!”
“Why? What’s wrong?” Obi-Wan repeats.
“It’s Anakin. Something’s wrong. His skin is so hot and he—”
“Is he sick?”
“Yeah, but he—”
Obi-Wan stops gathering his things and frowns. “Then maybe you should call a healer. I don’t think he’ll want to see me,” he says, trying to keep the tightness out of his voice. Ahsoka is not deserving of his or Anakin’s ire.
“Master,” Ahsoka says, and Obi-Wan can hear the desperation in her voice. “He won’t wake up.”
Obi-Wan’s heart stutters.
“He won’t wake up?” he repeats quietly.
“Obi-Wan,” Ahsoka whimpers, dropping the title from his name altogether. “You have to help him. Please.”
“I’m on my way, Padawan,” Obi-Wan says. He tears out of the archives, garnering a glare from Master Nu. He doesn’t care. He can apologize to her later. Anakin needs him now.
Obi-Wan hasn’t spoken to Anakin in days. Anakin had all but sealed off their bond, leaving Obi-Wan entirely unaware of his physical and mental state, though Obi-Wan has his guesses about the latter.
He runs through the halls of the Temple, just like Anakin used to — no matter how many times Obi-Wan told him to stop. He reaches Anakin and Ahsoka’s quarters and punches in the lock code.
It doesn’t open.
Obi-Wan doesn’t pause to feel hurt by Anakin changing the locks up on him. Their petty disagreements don’t matter right now. Instead, Obi-Wan centers himself and coaxes the lock open with the Force. The door slides open and a balm of warm air immediately settles over him.
Obi-Wan’s eyes land on the couch where his former padawan is currently laying. Ahsoka is crouched down on the floor so that she is at eye level with him. Obi-Wan crosses the room and drops down right next to her.
This close to Anakin, Obi-Wan can feel the heat rolling off of his skin. His eyes are closed.
“Anakin,” he says in the same stern voice he used when Anakin overslept for one of his classes. It is even less effective now than it was then. Anakin’s eyes remain closed.
He shakes Anakin’s shoulders and pats his cheek. He still fails to receive a response. Obi-Wan rests his fingers on Anakin’s neck and grimaces. His heart rate is elevated — a sure sign of illness — as if the high temperature were not already enough.
“Wake up, Padawan,” Obi-Wan says softly.
“He’s been complaining of the cold,” Ahsoka says. “That’s why it’s so hot in here. He just kept turning up the heat. I thought… he’s always cold, I just thought… And then he got sick and it made sense, but I didn’t know how sick until he wouldn’t wake up.”
“It’s alright, Ahsoka,” Obi-Wan soothes. “Anakin’s not exactly good at conveying when something is wrong.”
“Wonder where he gets that from,” Ahsoka mutters.
Obi-Wan narrows his eyes before returning his attention to Anakin.
“How long has he been like this?”
“He’s only been unconscious for an hour, but he’s been sick for two days,” Ahsoka confirms.
Two days. Two days and Obi-Wan didn’t even know about it. Were they really so beyond mending that Obi-Wan could no longer sense when Anakin was in pain?
He places a hand on Anakin’s burning forehead and closes his eyes.
“What are you doing?” Ahsoka asks when he doesn’t pull his hand away.
“I’m trying to heal him,” Obi-Wan says through clenched teeth.
“Master! You aren’t a healer, that’s dangerous, you should—”
“I just want him to wake up. When he wakes up I’ll stop.”
“But—”
“I need to wake him up,” Obi-Wan says firmly.
If Ahsoka wants to protest, she stops herself. Obi-Wan sinks into the Force — its embrace warmer than any room where Anakin had control of the thermostat. He pulls upon the strength of the Force — the strength inside of him — and focuses on transferring it to his former padawan. His palm starts to burn as energy flows through him to Anakin
Dizziness starts to slow his progress, just as Anakin stirs beneath him. Obi-Wan opens his eyes and pulls his hand away.
“Anakin?” Obi-Wan questions hopefully. “Can you hear me?”
“‘Wan?” Anakin slurs. His eyes are fever bright and brimming with tears. “Thought you were dead.”
“No, Anakin,” Obi-Wan reassures. “It was just a mission. It’s over now, I’m right here.”
“Yeah,” Anakin says weakly. “You were shot and you fell and I saw it and…”
“Hush, we need to get you to a healer, alright?”
“Don’t wanna.”
“I don’t care.”
“Are we both dead?” Anakin asks. “That would make sense. I can’t feel you.”
Obi-Wan’s heart clenches.
“Your shields, Anakin,” Obi-Wan whispers. “You’ve shielded yourself from our bond. You just have to let me in.”
Anakin’s face scrunches up. “Oh. Okay.”
Anakin blinks. His shields are gone.
Obi-Wan gasps as the overpowering essence of Anakin Skywalker saturates the space around them. Anakin rarely lets his full Force presence shine through his shields, even when they aren’t fighting. Even Ahsoka flinches at the sheer intensity of it all. Obi-Wan squeezes his eyes shut and rubs his temple in discomfort.
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan breathes his name. “Anakin that’s enough. Please.”
“You’re alive,” Anakin says with a soft smile. Pure, unadulterated happiness rolls off of Anakin in waves. “I can feel you.”
“Yeah and we can feel you too,” Ahsoka says sharply. “Can you tone it down a bit, Skyguy?”
That pulls Anakin further out of his daze. “Hey Snips!” he says enthusiastically.
“He’s delirious,” Ahsoka says. “We need to get him to a healer.”
“I concur,” Obi-Wan agrees. “Easy now, Anakin.” Obi-Wan pulls Anakin’s arm over his shoulder and lifts him to his feet. Ahsoka steadies his other side and together they hobble over to the halls of healing.
“What happened to him?” Vokara Che asks as they practically burst through the front doors.
“He’s sick,” Ahsoka supplies. “Obi-Wan got him to wake up, but he’s really out of it.
“Yes, I can sense that,” Vokara says, wincing at the sheer power still coming from Anakin’s unshielded presence. “Bring him here.”
Obi-Wan and Ahsoka drag him over to a bed and lay him down. Vokara begins assessing him.
“His fever is dangerously high,” Vokara Che says. “I’m putting him on fluids and fever reducers. He’ll be fine, but he really should have been brought in sooner.”
Ahsoka shrinks into herself.
“This is not your fault, Padawan,” Obi-Wan says quickly. “Anakin is an adult. He should know his own limits. It is not your fault that he did not seek medical attention.”
“Wonder where he gets that from,” Vokara mutters before exiting the room.
Obi-Wan sighs. “I wish people would stop saying that,” he says, more to himself than to anyone.
“We only say it 'cause it’s true,” Ahsoka says, the beginnings of a smile curving one side of her lips.
“Oh, shut up.”
Obi-Wan and Ahsoka settle themselves into uncomfortable plastic chairs beside Anakin’s bed. Obi-Wan wonders for a moment how Anakin will react to seeing him when he is not in a state of delirium. He considers leaving, but the larger part of him that cares for Anakin’s well-being more than his own wins. He cannot bear to leave without first seeing his former apprentice awake and on the mend.
Of course, it does not take too long for that to happen. The fever reducers injected directly into his bloodstream have served their intended purpose and Anakin’s eyes crack open slightly. Obi-Wan and Ahsoka perk up.
“Master?” Ahsoka questions. “Master, are you feeling better?”
Anakin groans before looking at her. “A little. Not really.”
Obi-Wan hums and Anakin startles, seemingly just noticing his former Master for the first time.
Anakin’s eyes narrow and zero in on Obi-Wan.
“What are you doing here?” Anakin questions menacingly.
“Anakin,” Ahsoka chastises, before Obi-Wan motions for her to stop fighting his battles.
Anakin blinks. His shields are back up.
Obi-Wan recoils at the sudden loss. In a heartbeat, Obi-Wan would have taken back the turbulent ocean waves of Anakin’s presence — crashing into him over and over — if it meant he did not have to suffer the emptiness left behind in his wake. But every tide is destined to recede at some point or another.
“I’m sorry, Anakin. I’ll leave you to rest,” Obi-Wan says. “I do hope you feel better soon.”
He does not await a reply, fearing that it will only strengthen the emptiness.
Obi-Wan walks away, holding onto the hope that the Anakin that was so happy to see him alive is still in there somewhere — smothered, but not destroyed by the pain of his deception.
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