#i just stabbed myself in the face

[sovonight]

it's taken 2 months to get to this point but i'm finally making some progress :')

#hand embroidering on this fabric hurts so much :( my poor fingies #i use pliers to pull the needle through sometimes and one day i'm gonna pull too hard and just stab myself in the thigh #anyway i haven't started on radri's face yet bc xan is my test subject. we'll see if his face can survive the wash #also i forgot to stitch a guideline on her bangs so i have to fix that before i can get to her lol #sovo art

[todayisafridaynight]

i completely forgot i had this on my screen underneath all my other programs and when i say i screamed

#snap chats #OH NO IVE REIGNITED MY ANGER #his stance is so fucking funny #get stabbed idiot !!!!!!!! #aoki makes the funniest faces known to man i love him <- wishes i stabbed him myself #anyway i frgot it was the superbowl tonight :) i was reminded when my roommate started screaming loud as hell #american football fans scare me ill never forget the year the eagles won and a city was lit on fire #i TOLD YALL i was three seconds away from doing an autopsy ... i just might it could be funny ...

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is #all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much #because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions #mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect #and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it #it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter #but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but #mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read #cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about #how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron #separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward #the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not #allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i #talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand #so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday #and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having #a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself #sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like #reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for. #the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it #doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of #ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put #myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing #unrelated

[supercantaloupe]

trying hard to avoid the kitten this week cause i have to be off my allergy meds until thursday

#to reap the rewards (immunization therapy) one must face the Trials #(five days in a house with a cat without allergy meds and two hours of testing on wednesday) #i'm gonna treat myself afterwards though i found a really nice looking teahouse that looks like it does gong fu style tea service #and they have dim sum style snacks and a bento type lunch set to go with #which sounds like so much fun. and the perfect reward for sitting through being Poked and Stabbed and Itchy for two hours #(and then. very soon. hopefully. IMMUNIZATION SHOTS <3 <3 <3) #never before have i ever been this excited for shots lol. not even for my first covid vaccine #maybe that's kind of weird idk but i'm just so ready to not have allergies anymore #or have to take four different meds to manage them #i wanna talk about me

[stillagoodwitch]

just stabbed my hand with a kitchen knife…

#i’m fine it stopped bleeding and it doesn’t hurt upper part of my hand just Aches #i knew i was doing something stupid i’m jusy glad i didn’t stab myself on the face #oooh my bone aches because the knife hit it . right .

[baiboop]

one of the things that makes me the saddest about the production of supernatural is the fact that sam and dean don’t have all their scars.

i know, i know, budget and time constraint stuffs. (and it also wouldn’t be practical to apply scars to the boys for every single episode, i do understand)

but like, they cut themselves with silver blades so many times, for spells and for proof of humanity; their hands and forearms have to be littered with scars.

and beyond that, how many times have they gotten stabbed, shot, scraped, etc? their whole bodies have to be littered with scars.

i love love love when fan artists include their scars in art, it just feels so much more real?

#tw self harm? i don’t know if this needs it but i do briefly mention sam and dean cutting themselves so i just rather be safe than sorry #it’s just so real #like when i picture them i picture their scars #cas’ hand print is still there #lots of little lines on their forearms from the monster checks #scars on their torsos from getting stabbed and shot #maybe a little bit of scarring on either of their faces #dude i’m going to make fan art #i cant help myself #even tho i kind of suck #WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT #I NEED TO WRITE MY ESSAY #fanart later #spn #supernatural #sam and dean #dean winchester #sam winchester

[frecklystars]

When there’s a high quality version of the Barbie movie out for me to 🏴‍☠️ it’s over for everyone. You know how many gifs I’m going to make of Ken???? [counting on fingers] at LEAST... four

#ok spoilers in the tags incoming #every time I see the movie I want so badly to gif that part where #he is on the beach goin to war and he’s shaking. eye twitching. breathing erratically #and his dancing AGH i wanna gif those body rolls so baddddd it's so hot #or when he stabs his chest that move is so good too. but luckily that gif is already out there #I want to gif the part where he’s crying his eyes out and he looks down at his trembling hands and clutching them to his heart #and you SEE those tears on his face and his breath is hitching and he looks so fukcin BROKEN #BRO-KEN IF YOU WILL. #I hype myself up for literally every single scene he’s in #doesn’t matter what he’s doing in the scene he does SOMETHING cute or funny #whether it’s a laugh or a way he moves his hands or the way he tilts his head... #there is always something that catches my attention and holds it so tightly #like literally almost every single line he says is so fucking funny #or the way he looks at barbie while he's walking away and not takin his eyes off her #THE BOW? WHEN THE LADY ASKED HIM FOR THE TIME? AND HE BOWED SAYING 'I SHALL SEEK MY FORTUNE THERE'? #LIKE HONEY BABYGIRL ANGEL DARLING SWEETHEART WHAT WAS THAT. AND CAN YOU DO IT AGAIN #'I have all the genitals' knocks me out every time #and not even just funny moments but the moments where he's DEVASTATED I live for that shit #him breaking down yelling 'NO *YOU* FAILED *ME' while SHAKING and then he falls onto his knees #i really went into this movie not expecting anything. but most of all i didnt expect to be THIS in love with Ken of all characters #I really entered that theater expecting Barbie to be my main f/o and yeah she is one. but the MAIN main f/o is Ken?????? #that’s when you know it’s a good movie when you make me give a shit about a Ken doll #barbie movie spoilers #woof #love notes #that being said can anyone let me know if u find a HD version of the movie floating around... #i only see ppl recording the movie screen w/ their phone dfjsfjdf

[unusualshrimp]

hmm gender thoughts

#the people who made pronouns page have another website right #and one of the options there is you can pin your gender on a gradient that goes hypermasculine -> androgynous -> hyperfeminine #and it's like a linear gradient and i hate that SO MUCH. this is hostile architecture for Me Specifically #[disclaimer that if you find that type of thing helpful that's completely fine] #but anyway my gender is like. im a guy but not in a trans guy way #and im a girl but NOT in a cis girl way and i call myself girl in my head a lot but i am a bit Sensitive about how other people use it? #and im always thinking too hard about ''are they acknowledging my 5D chess gender or subconsciously saying it because of my appearance'' #if someone called me androgynous or whatever im stabbing them though. idk that just feels so... gender neutral? and im not gender neutral #do ya feel me. #i feel a bit silly typing all this but ah this is the transgender website i think u all would understand me #im a guy like. you know the weird guy who shows up overdressed to casual events but he looks nice so its fine really #and also like. guy who always wears black and looks cool [the cool might just be in my head but thats fine] #and. i might have to think harder abt how i feel regarding Girl ™. i dont want to discard it because i do love doing my own thing with it #but also like being perceived as a cis girl (intentionally or unintentionally) makes me want to jump out of my body. lol. anyway #this is all so sucks honestly my favourite gender is just creature. #you see a thing so weird you just go '' oh god what is that'' and not gender. although i do like the flavour of it/its that is so niceys... #like yeas i want to be a scary looking thing (unattainable) but also.... what if i was jus a lil creature. #and i sat at your door and made 🥺 faces until u let me in and then i sat cosy near your fireplace for a bit... thatd be nice #i dont want to worry about gender anymore i want headpats....................... #oh jesus uhh #long post #<- for the tags

[thatoneluckybee]

Y’know how you’re just sitting there chilling and suddenly experience the JOLT and then you’re fine. Like a shiver but v i o l e n t

#idk ive seen other people mention these #not like a tic or stim #just the jeRK #rambles #caught i just did that and accidentally stabbed myself in the face with my nail #o w #like #RUDE. VERY RUDE OF MY ARM. STOPPIT

[gontagokuhara]

just watched ep 3 of dr3.

#connor watches dr3 #spoilers incoming in the tags. ready. are you ready. i know the anime came out 5+ years ago but whatever. OK #AOI FUCKING DIES??????????????? ALL THAT SHE WENT THROUGH IN THH JUST TO GET STABBED RIGHT NEXT TO MAKOTO?????? #FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK I GENUINELY THOUGHT SHE WAS A LONG HAUL SURVIVOR IM KILLING MYSELF #TAKE HIRO OR BYAKUYA INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!! GIVE HER BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! MAKOTOS FACE WHEN HE SEES HER FUCK

[mickgaydolenz]

the world loves me so much and said here asia we would like you to have your cluster cycle start on new years eve this time :) . also to anyone out there that suffers with cluster headaches, i fucking see you dude and it fucking sucks and i’m so sorry

#i also love having one of this chronic pain issues. that is very hard to be diagnosed because it is cyclical #*those #and mine is especially small given i tend to have 1-2 cycles a year predominantly falling around late august- january #when i brought it up to my doctor she essentially was like hmm that’s hard to deal with so no point getting any diagnosis 🤷‍♀️ #so thanks girl. but mine are very typical cluster. always on the right side of my face. the violent stabbing pain behind my eye #i also have the nice after cluster hangover headache tenderness that just fucking knocks me clean off my feet #rocking and counting tend to be my go to distractions. not that they do anything. but when it’s really bad i unfortunately tend to hit #myself for some fucking relief :s #oh also i get the classic wake up from a dead sleep clusters. and mine are reliably every two fucking hours :) #and usually i get anywhere from 1-8 a day during my cycle period. although 4-5 is pretty average for me #my last cycle was hell. my clusters were lasting upwards of an hour. that is really what i’m hoping to avoid this time around…. #sorry i just really needed to rant about this it fucking sucks. they don’t call them suicide headaches for nothing #cluster headaches

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

if anyone needs me i will be rewatching trigun 98 and tristamp over and over until my brain explodes

#had a bad time in therapy today sigh #first time i cried in front of the new therapist wooooooooo #and we havent even started talking about the painful stuff yet. how tf am i gonna handle that #(spoiler: im not <3 we dont have to talk abt it if i never bring it up) #also being. slammed with nostalgia (/neg) and i cannot get rid of it and it fucking sucks #got a. bad taste in my mouth. from like. everything rn #anyway. if anyone needs me i will be bolting myself into a shitty tin can and sending myself to the bottom of the sea. #not to see the titanic bc im not dumb and full of hubris. but just like. in general #im down there now. i want to fucking explode #sorry bad joke <3 i wanna kms so bad. i wanna wake up tomorrow and be in a universe that is Not This One #aaughrggghrghr. im angry and j dont know what im angry at . i wanna. fling myself into space #so instead i will watch trigun and if i start posting about max in the next day or so well can you blame me. #i hope someone draws him for artfight. specifically. hes rlly cool #i have his page uploaded already but im sooooo bad at making descriptions #oh fuck i also learned how to fucking tag things on artfight now omg. i didnt know that was a thing. #how did i do three years of this shit and not TAG anything. what the fuck #anyway. wish i was a guy covered in blood rn. maybe i should watch hannibal instead #is it time to bring out ol reliable and watch the stab scene from mizumono on a loop again #and perhaps i will listen to sodikken misery meat and people eater. idk. spice it up a little #girls when they say they want to be held: screenshot of the way hannibal holds wills face before gutting him like a fish #im feeling rlly normal rn if you cant tell

[gaminegay]

I just had what feels like every stress dream ever in a single hour

#Strangers coming to my house for a party unannounced when I'm trying to sleep #Cant find my phone (this is still true) #People from work also at my house going nuts #Fish and worms have somehow grown in all my glass bottles and now I gotta find tanks for them but i cant afford that but i also dont wanna- #-kill them and they've started eating each other. The people are still at the party. Still cant find my phone #Random ladies show up demanding I answer questions that make no sense and I wanna help but idk how to respond #People from work are still losing it. It's raining and pitch black out. Still can't find my phone. My father is there. #Some guests get their hand on a device that let's you shape shift?? But you gotta jam a giant needle right into your chest #And I was down at first but then i see people whose faces shift between multiple people frozen in agony #And people whose faces just look like objects an it looks painful and a friend from work wont let me leave and is gonna stab me #And finally one person who got the shot gets like. Millions of tiny mushrooms growing out of every pore #Their entire body transforms into a fungal bed in the slowest most painful death imaginable. And this happens to everyone #And I just fucking booked it out of the house finally acrew the phone screw the rain screw work. #And at THAT point I'm like wait fuck this is a dream. If I keep going something terrible will definitely happen again #Thankfully just the adrenalin was enough to wake e up and I didnt have to dream-kill myself #I gotta write this down in more detail somewhere #Alda rambling

[noxtivagus]

ahh i'm so tired sorry i haven't been really active lately but i promise i'll fix all these stuff up n be well for the new year soon

#🌙.vents #i'll just ramble for a but ig. i can't.. let myself go to anyone at all for stuff like this but it hurts more when i keep it all to myself #oh wait good morning i guess i got around 9 hours of sleep huh #lovely going to sleep n waking up w tears in my eyes yeah absolutely Great #the future i want is. unrealistic i suppose #god i hate being pessimistic i prefer holding unto hope n i truly know better than all these burdens but #it hurts. all this pressure n then it just feels so lonely. i don't know if i belong in this world #every now n then when i just think of.. stuff my heart feels like it's being sharply stabbed with cold n then suffocated a bit #n then i'm crying even more as the whole emotion overwhelms me everywhere #but i suppose it's better this way. i'll hide this part of myself from the rest of the world n heal on my own #perhaps it's stupid of me to think i could do that on my own but i'm just so tired i might as well do it on my own now #it feels like everything is falling apart. wishes dreams hopes. every word forgotten #n.. i know it's not entirely this way but fuck it feels like it's all my fault for messing everything up #my mind is in a dilemma n it's like i'm just constantly fighting w myself inside #it's so draining #but i have a reality to face so i'll just. i'm sorry i'll bury it #i'm sorry to the words i used to write to myself then. i don't want to let them go but i suppose they were too 'naive' for this world #i don't have anymore energy to reach out. ffs i just want to be better n do better but i'm so tired #i don't want to forsake my younger self but.. i'm sorry maybe i'll just live out all this in my head instead. as i used to do #i have a lot to do dw i'll get up n face them #it hurts. i don't want to hurt myself but i can't be productive like this n #the other better way is. not for someone like me yk i don'r have much friends i'm too shy but all of them have closer friends n #apollo deserves more my family deserves more than me i'm sorry i just want to be myself but maybe that's not needed at all in this world #i'm not enough so i might as well go along this path. i know it won't make stuff better but. it fucking hurts i'm sorry #that sounds so sinister without the rest of the context dw i'm not gna do anything too extreme but. i have to be well enough to live in this #world. yeah. #i'm. oh my god this hurts bcs i know better i really do but these thoughts just persist n it hurts so much. it hurts so much #i don't want to lose myself to these negative thoughts bcs i rlly know better but god it hurts it hurts #i'm afraid bcs if i.. hide properly or wtvr i know i can be good enough to. idk pretend cleanly that i'm fine n destroy all the progress #i've built. but i don't want to lose myself. i know better but i'm stuck in my head n it hurts so much i'm sorry

[taardisblue]

.

#i should have gone into fucking acting bc apparently I’m goddamn Oscar level #just got told I would be given additional responsibilities on the pilot perimeter #bc ‘clearly you’re having a blast with it’ #which is just. mhhm. mhhm. #unless ‘having a blast with it’ means ‘hating it so much it occasionally makes me want to die’ #then I must be doing one hell of a fucking job on my poker face during our briefings for him to think that #i did freeze up a bit when he said it as evidenced by the slightly awkward silence that followed but well #i didn’t break into hysterical sobbing/laughter when he said it which is already impressive and like #I haven’t actually done theatre in years so yk I can cut myself some slack on that #but yeah. the one perimeter I actually did vaguely enjoy working on (by which I mean it doesn’t make me want to stab a pen through my eye) #is getting cut #and the one that actively Does make me revert to thought patterns I worked very hard to leave behind #is getting multiplied and actively delegated entirely To Me #good times. love living and being alive and getting up in the morning. #.txt #next challenge: two day business trip where I will have to continue conning everyone on my team into believing #that I somehow Am the competent and well adjusted person (they think) they’ve been working on #it’s a relatively easy image to maintain when it’s all teams calls and strategically switched off cameras #it’s going to be trickier in person from 8 am to 10 pm for two days nonstop #ah well. in the meantime. back to it I suppose #don’t mind the morning angsting on your dash I just need to put this somewhere #it’s part of the ‘not breaking into vaguely concerning hysteria during meetings’ process #working with* not on

[ordinarytalk]

The plan is to stay in this hell job until I get public service loan forgiveness but damn if I'm not having a month that's making me consider just quitting right now and having all $50,000 of that debt fall right on my head just so I don't have to be here one single solitary second longer

#this job has made me the villain to hundreds people's stories and the worst version of myself #and I am still very very very bad at it #I've crushed so many people's dreams and at least once a week someone tells me I'm destroying the only way someone can feed their families #I'm ashamed to tell my parents what I do for a living. I'm ashamed to tell anyone what I do for a living. I'm ashamed to be alive. #I'm not helping anyone and all I'm doing is hurting people. I feel like I've been hired by hell to stab the damned. #I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. I've been crying every day. #And they just put the pitchfork back in my hand and tell me I'm not stabbing hard enough. I'm a bad person and I'm bad at my job. #personal stuff #local beloved holiday festival might shut down because of me. They didn't realize their licenses weren't good here. #Maybe it's not all my fault but I'm the one they're going to pin it on. I can't even go places to eat anymore. People recognize my face. #Had a lady greet me with “Oh‚ look who's here! Great to see you! BYE! ...ha ha. I'm kidding. Obviously. Come in.” #It's like...even when I quit‚ can I still live here? Everyone recognizes me‚ and they hate me. I don't know if this can still be my home.