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hannie-dul-set · 3 years

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hello its me again !! yesterday I told you I followed u bc of your love for jaemin and your funny humour but today I want to add something else, and thaTS YOUR AMAZING WRITING SKILLS !!

i just finished reading the masterpiece that is Top of the world and I'm so shaken up by the excellence of the rich vocabulary, the sentence structure and just the way you wrote the various events that happened. I'm such at a lost of words to express what I feel you have no ideas, I will never recover from the high quality of this story. it couldn't have been better than that what you delivered and I'm just so so relieved to have been able to live this amazing experience of reading such an outstanding story. I'm sorry maybe you're thinking im showering you in too much compliments but you deserves to be praised for having written Top of the world.

I will always be amazed with how people who write are able to wrote down their imagination and wow, im still shaking like.. Im so impressed by you you have no ideas 🙈

moving on, this is the first time ever since I'm reading nct fics on tumblr that I came across this characterization of jaemin, and it is a real take of fresh air in the best way possible even tho he's really such an asshole like wow the popularity did go too high in his head I was so scandalized (in a good way lmao it made me amazed) with how an ass he was and like the way he ordered around jisung ???? djjdjffjhf I- I wanted to punch jaemin so hard 😤 I wanted to dive into the story and beat his ass lmaooo im sure you too, like I was rolling around in my bed bc I couldn't stay still and laying down without reacting ㅠㅠ

I dont know at what length of words the ask can tolerate but let me tell you something before I forgot ! I realized that every situations/events you wrote had a purpose, like you didn't wrote basic actions that we would pass over without much attention, and bc of that you held our attention during the 15.6k of words and it was so much overwhelming I couldn't stop reading just to breathe lol, you kept me going for so long and I really liked it im so sad that I lived this experience and I couldn't live it again *sobs* this is so revolting I want to pat your head you did so so well 🥺

alsooooo, when you introduced yn's character in the beginning, I was kinda afraid that he would bully her physically you know, like I couldn't imagining you daring to write him being more than despicable than he was but thanks god that wasn't what I imagined fjdjfj, the way he exercised his 'dominance' towards someone he didn't know just for a seat lmao, wow he got some real balls ?¿ I was scandalized a lot fjjfjffj but I was curious too about jeno's character in the story, he was so chill (I think?) about yn's being involved with jaemin from the start and I was expecting him to be an asshole to her just like jaem, u know ? could we know your motives about jeno's character in the story ? why didn't you wrote him like jaemin?

I will speed up a little fjfjj or else I will write you 6 pages of my thoughts lmao

but yeah !! so, I really liked the contrast between how we perceived yn's outside facade and inside, like when he make her kneels in front of him, you made us look at her from jaemin's view and how she looked not so bothered by his behavior and then you switched the second after into yn's point of view and how she tried to not show her emotions... *mind blowing* 🤯 not gonna lie, I was rotting for her to not let him mess with her head but instead her doing that to him and it kinda worked fjfjfjf and then I knew the moment he was surprised about the non effect he had on her that it was the start of his fall anD I WASN'T A SECOND DISAPPOINTED

I FUCKING LOVED THE BLOSSOMING REALTIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM anD the slight graduation of jaemin's becoming soft to her oh my god I had hearts in my eyes. I loved every moments of this story (I loved the entire 15.6k words of it, I cherished them), but the pool scene toward the end made me go feral for a lot of minutes like the picture you implanted in my head of him in the water made me post all my thoughts (also blonde jaemin? as in, make a wish jaemin?, god I hope bc fucking damn, he was so so so hot)

I was so emotional at the end, they got together and just, being the witness of jaemin's character development was breathtaking, I couldn't stop thinking about how smooth you made it for his character development during all the story, it wasn't forced or too quick...

It was perfect

omg.... [CLUTCHES HEART]. help oh my god first of all thank you ??? for leaving such a LONG long review omg ???? made my entire day ?? week ??? HQGSBWJ IN SUMMARY THANK U AND I LOVE U FOR THIS AAAA i really appreciate it when people just ramble abt my works it just makes my drive go ⬆⬆⬆ yanno HHHH.

when i was first writing this is was like "oh gosh....is it....okay to turn jaemin this much of a dick?? IS IT??" like i was so SURE people wouldn't like this characterization of him but i literally got the reverse 😭 never expected anyone to jump with me on my asshole richkid jaemin agenda bUT HERE WE ARE....IT BEING MY MOST POPULAR FIC YET HAHSJ. i both hate and love this kind of jaemin and yes i definitely wanted to drag him down from his high horse while writing (at the same time....i will let him drag me around as he pleases too 😳).

i'm very gratified that u think its cohesive and each scene has a purpose because to be honest i didn't fuckin know where to go with this entire fic at first LMAO i was just in a richkid jaem brainrot after talking abt it too much with my friend and this was....the result 🕴.

as for jeno oh mr. jeno lee....HAGSNSK to be honest, as this fic wasn't rlly that deeply planned HAHA, i just wanted a contrast to jaemin's personality LMAO if he had the same personality as jaems....insanely egotistical god complex and all.....i think this would have turned out to be a love triangle AHAHS GM SKW. bUT— but hehe. i have another richkid fic in the dusty corners of my google docs rn. a 00’ line fic in fact HAHA so totw jaemin and jeno will be making a comeback here (ofc this is an entirely different universe but their characterizations are essentially the same HEHEHEHEHEH).

anyway !! thank u so much for sharing ur thoughts on totw ;o; 💞 this rlly made my day no joke HAHA i'm so happy to hear you liked this aaaaa. and yes. maw jaemin was the cause of all of this. something snapped in him during that era and led me to write this very self indulgent fic. thank u HAGHSKA.

#and no worries ur grammar is perfect !!! :D hehehe thank you once more aaaa and very sorry for replying late ;o;#💌: byunfirstlady #feedback #top of the world

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ones-delight · 3 years

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I unfortunately won’t have therapy until the end of this month (I should have scheduled one earlier this month ugh lmao I thought one later this month would be better) so I’m doing what my therapist suggested, write down all what’s going through my head even if it doesn’t make sense to help bring myself back to reality. lol. I’m very much lost in my own sauce of feelings and thoughts. it’s allllll about my ex again so ugh lmao. My main anxieties are just feelings about my ex and what’s coming up this semester.

I’m currently in my apartment in Iowa City since we’re about to start back up my usual routine. I’ve been here for almost two weeks now which is nice because I’ve been trying to take my time to relax and get myself mentally prepared for this upcoming semester. I’m also low key glad I’m having these overwhelming anxieties right now instead of later this week. I need to ask my therapist again what exactly I am feeling (if it’s like a panic attack because i truly dont know) because I’ve been feeling hella anxious the past few days (in general) and yesterday my anxiety was so intense that I barely ate and I felt sick to my stomach. idk if others have the same too but when I also get hella anxious, all I want to do is go to the bathroom so tmi lmao. I feel this way now and I just cannot stop crying so again, I’m just writing everything that’s going through my mind lmao.

#1) Related to my ex, heart break

Yeah.. I literally keep talking about this/him and I’m glad I have multiple outlets that I can say what’s going through my mind because if I keep these thoughts to myself, I keep spiraling. I’m also very thankful I have multiple strong support systems from people where it truly doesn’t get annoying to them when I keep talking about him/my overall heart break/healing journey. I know I don’t want to burden my friends with my own thoughts (it can be a lot) so overall very thankful for friends, family, and my therapist lmao.

I think the last time I talked about my heart break was the letter I wrote to him. I wrote it and sent it to him lmao. I also wrote his mom a letter in Spanish because I want to stay connected with her and very thankful she reciprocates the same energy, Apparently, he never received the letter even though I sent it over 3 weeks ago, but anyways yeah that’s a story I will tell later in this post. Anyways, it’s legit easier said than done to completely stop checking on his social media. I was doing great before winter break. Now that winter break has happened (still kind of is for a few more days), I have relapsed where I was checking very often. The break was great since I got to spend quality time with family, however, unfortunately being back in Wichita still floods a lot of my emotions where there are still a lot of memories of him and I that still makes me feel sad (luckily no longer sobbing about but I do still feel some type of way. It’s getting better thankfully). It also hurts that he’s making new memories with his new girlfriend Kylie so I was def feeling all sorts of things. Sorry, I’m trying to go onto chronologize order of events that have happened. I’m jumping back and forth lmao

First, did I mention his mom called me the day before Christmas? I was SHOOOOOK when I saw her name on my phone. I legit froze because I wasn’t sure if it was actually her so I accidently missed her call. I’m so glad she left a voicemail so I could listen first and immediately call her back LMAO. But basically, she wanted to check in to see how I was doing, wish me and my family a merry christmas/happy new year, and asked if I could come see her. We joked a bit back and forth like how she was learning English for me while I’m learning Spanish for her. lmao. so after this phone call, I wrote her a letter to update her on what I’ve been doing. I wrote it all in Spanish since that’s her primary language so thank god for google translate. overall, I told her about how I’m about to earn my masters degree in may, I’ve lost now 30 lbs of weight/having a better relationship with food, how I’m honestly still hurt about her son cheating on me (I was in my feels. You know if you ever get those feelings like you want your mom? She legit is like a mom to me since my mom isn’t an active part of my life so yeah I guess you can say I got mommy issues but anyways) I also told her that if she’d still like me to come over, I’d love to come over and see her.

Few days go by, I’ve been creeping onto his social media, it stings to see how he has flaunted his relationship with Kylie. It hurts because I keep playing this comparison game because he truly has NEVER allowed me to post about us and he would himself refuse to post about us on his social media. So, just to see how he’s been basically spending every single day with her and posting her throughout all of his social media, makes me feel an extreme type of way. during new years, she had a party at her house where it was him, her, his brother paco (which I was SHOOOK because she met paco and not everyone has ever met paco, who is his oldest brother), miguel and his girlfriend (both are super cute btw), Blake (surprisingly), and Erik. I felt some kind of way because obviously I know they would share a new years kiss even tho they’ve only been dating for literally a month. I dated him for 3 years and NEVER got a new years kiss (because he wanted to be with bros). Valentines day is coming up and it’d be their “two month” anniversary and I just KNOW he’d actually put EFFORT into spending that day with her. 3 years I dated this guy and he never ONCE did ANYTHING for me for valentines day. ok I’m getting more hurt thinking how he’s treating his other girls better than me so anyways BACK TO THE TOPIC

few days go by and I got another call from his mom. I actually picked up this time because I was really excited to hear her voice again. I legit would die for this woman legit #1 mom. She asked if she could see me and I happily said yes. It really means a lot that she still gives me the same energy that she gave me when I was still dating her son. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was the potential of losing his family too because they are all truly good people and I am NOT the CEO of letting people go lmao. okay back to subject, I had TONS of anxiety driving over to her house because I had so many thoughts. I asked on the phone if 1.) is Lalo there. She said no. 2.) Is Paco there. No, he apparently flew back to California that morning. I was low key hoping paco would be there still because it would be cool to catch up with him but anyways my main concern was if eduardo was there so since he wasn’t, I was like “ok vroom vroom let’s go” lmao. WOWOWOWWO seeing her just made my heart so happy. She def has a lot more gray hairs since the last time I saw her lmao she’s the cutest anyways, I’m really shook that HIS DAD FREAKING HUGGED ME. THIS MAN NEVER USUALLY HUGS ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE. Typically how we greet each other, it’s like a wave from a distance and we obvi acknowledge each other. so WOOOOW I was very thankful and shook he hugged me. Anyways, his mom showed me around the house with the Christmas decorations, I noticed her birds were still doing well, she even showed me her new plants she got lmao. We sat at the dining room table and talked and ate mexican snacks. She has broken English and I have broken Spanish so literally thank god for dualingo because it has helped me. I love how when we are together, we talk really slow and try to annunciate for each other LMAOOO. Anyways, THIS WOMAN ALSO GOT ME A STOCKING filled with Mexican Candy. omg this woman i love her so much. Anyways, I showed my tattoos to her and she legit wanted to murder me lmao but she says she likes them but hates them at the same time. She also sat me down and we had a serious conversation in terms of how she sees me. She said that I am no longer known as lalo’s novia, what I am to her is a daughter. I am evelyn’s sister and yo boi that got me crying in the club because that’s what I would love to have, to maintain my relationship with them . Okay, to kind of speed things up, basically we kept talking about Evelyn’s quinceanera that’s happening this year AHHHHHH, dropped Evelyn off and her friend to a friend’s quince, and his mom took me to eat at paleterias tropicana where I tried elote for the first time and had a jugo verde WOOOOOW SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD. literally cannot stop thinking about it. Anyways, random note, I noticed my old K-State beanie in the car and his mom said it was Evelyn’s. It gave me a weird feeling because it was originally mine that he gifted me on our first Christmas together but obviously I knew he wouldn’t keep it so I’m not suprised he gave it to Evelyn. It made me wonder then what did he do to the other gifts that he originally gave me but I gave it back to him once we broke up.. okay that was a tangent, anyways, that was it with the night with his mom and ughhh it was a really fun night and I really am looking forward to seeing her again.

Now fast forward to now-ish, me not doing good of not checking his social media, I got triggered because they now made it “facebook officlal” that they are dating. it triggered me because again, he refused to publicize our relationship and it really threw me off that they’ve only been dating for a month (technically interested in each other since October, started dating November) and already publicizing they are together. they moving hella quick and basically, I got hella bitter. I felt reckless and I texted him. I KNOW I shouldn’t have texted him because I immediately felt a sense of regret after but also low key glad I did text him. ugh i hate me lmao. Anyways, i texted him and he asked if he could call me so I said yes. Luckily, the conversation was better than I expected because it was simply like two old friends catching up. It was a really good feeling even tho I’m honestly still hurt about the way that he treated me. It caught me by suprised when he said that he has talked about me with Kylie and he actually stated that he knows what he did and feels regretful for the choices he made. That was a huge shocker and I do still have trust issues because I try to take things that he says with a grain of salt. He may be saying things to me that I want to hear but it’s not the truth so anyways lmao. Our conversation was good and it really got me thinking what exactly am I doing/how am I really feeling.

I really am happy for him. Yes i’m still deeply hurt and feel a type of way about how he treated me, but I can’t do anything about the past and all I can do is just simply be happy for him. I will always love him without a doubt, but he isn’t my person. I hope this doesn’t come off as selfish but he will never find someone better than me, he is simply finding someone better suited for him. What helps me the most about this is thinking about ME because that’s the situation for him, however, I know I will find someone better than him because I deserve the best.

I felt bad for asking because I am just fucking nosy and I’m glad he was okay with me asking about what happened with his relationship with Lila (the girl he left me for) and how did he start dating Kylie. He shared with with me that even though it was all great in the beginning with Lila (and let me tell you dude, he totally was hella infatuated with her lmao), they started becoming two different people. She apparently wasn’t emotionally there for him when he needed her (IRONICCCCCCCCCCCCC BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY HOW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGHOUT OUR 3 YEARS TOGETHER) and she ended the relationship. It did make me sad to hear because everyone needs support and it is sad when you go to someone for support and they don’t give you it, ya know? anyways, he said with Kylie, they’ve been friends for two years (I knew who she was when we were together but they’ve always only been friends since they worked at the Sunflower together. This will sound extremely bad but I never thought about her being a girl to worry about because she did a lot of “white” things that we make fun of white people for and so it kind of shocked me that he is dating her now but anyways) apparently he said that “they were hanging out and next thing he knows is that he kissed her and that’s how they started dating.” dude didn’t want to go into detail which was fine but I’m also in my head like “ok lmao you literally just got broken up by your ex and then immediately start hanging out with another girl? ok” ANYWAYS, I really am happy for him and wish him the best.

It was cool to hear about what he’s hoping to do. He shared a lot more detail than usual which again caught me by surprise. Anyways, he shared that he is currently looking for a new place to live (a house to rent) somewhere in college hill (conveniently where Kylie also lives lmao) with Erik. He is also hoping to find another job soon because things at KWCH are no longer making him feel happier so he’s looking to see if he can work for a non-profit org which makes me happy for him because I’d also want to do the same. If I’m at a job where I’m not excited to be, I’d want to also try to make a switch. He also shared that junior (martin, his little brother) will be moving to Cali in May to move close to paco which wow made me really happy for them all. Anyways, he shared that he is hoping to stay in Wichita for about one more year and then possibly relocating to KC or somewhere in Oklahoma. i did encourage him KC because it seems that KC has much more opportunities than Wichita and Oklahoma. Only thing we both hate is driving in KC lmao

Okay, so overall, I’m still really hurt about how our relationship was and how it ended but I’m very grateful that I’m doing what is best for me to make progress because this is not an overall easy thing to do, move on. I do feel low key embarrassed that I still am not over our break up but I’m very glad that I know that He isn’t my person. we will and I cannot get back together with him even if he stated that he has “changed” Yes i invested so much in him to be my forever partner and it didn’t work out but that’s okay. I’m always willing to invest in people to be the best version of themselves and it really makes me happy to see people thrive. I truly cannot and will not take him back if there was ever a time where he wanted to give us a second try because I need to remember how he treated me. If he really was always thinking it was me, then he shouldn’t have cheated on me, treated me so poorly. I’m okay with us remaining friends, but as partners in life? that isn’t it. I deserve so much better and the man of my dreams will come. I’m 10000000% okay with being single because I know I need to work on myself so that I can be fully ready for my next. I really wish my next relationship is my one and only, but hey we’ll see.

so this is already extremely long but I’m very glad I got this all out of me. I know I have other anxieties such as starting school again, which will be my last semester before I earn my masters (FINALLY), RA training coming back up (so me working is coming back), JOB SEARCH. So much is coming up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to get my head into gear.

#personal

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shytiff · 3 years

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Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing. there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row.

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken.

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd.

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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652

We’ll do the last people I messaged, like before.

Friend One What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? JM. He’s a guy. How old are they and what month is their birthday? He is 22, but he blows his candles every July 6th. Does this person have a Facebook account? Yes he does. In this country, 98% of the time you kinda need to have a Facebook account, because work-related stuff is mostly conducted there (if you’re in school) and it’s a way to stay connected to family and friends. When was the last time you saw this person? Yesterday. He’s my classmate in my last class for the week, which is on Friday afternoons. Do you find this person attractive? Objectively yes, but I don’t have a huge crush on him lmao.

Have you ever lived in the same house as this person? Nope. Where does this person work? We’re currently just students, so no job yet. And as far as I know he plans on taking law so assuming he passes, he won’t be working for another four years. Friend Two What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Gabie, she’s a girl and a very pretty one at that. How old are they and what month is their birthday? 21, June 5th. Have you ever been to their house? Yeah, plenty of times. I’d be concerned if I wasn’t allowed to visit them lol. Are you friends with any of their other friends? I’m civil with her two best friends but I don’t really mix well with her other blockmates. Where did you meet them? I went to school with her for 14 years. What are their siblings’ names? Don’t really feel like sharing that here. Have you ever cooked a meal with this person? Technically yeah. We had to run a small restaurant once for a final project in home economics, so we had to make hundreds of burgers and chicken strips hahaha. But other than that, the only thing we’ve made for ourselves is instant noodles, because we’re equally bad in the kitchen :/ Friend Three What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Andrew, boy. How old are they and what month is their birthday? I know he’s also 21 but I have no clue when his birthday is, which I should be partly ashamed of because he’s really into astronomy and always tells me about his star sign, which I’ve also forgotten about lmao. Have you ever hugged them? A few times. He’s not really someone I’d approach to hug. Do you know what their favourite candy is? LMAOOO we also talked about this with JM literally just a few days ago but I forgot already. I’m awful. But I guess it also kinda has to do with the fact that he’s incredibly talkative and some things he says just go into my ear and exit the other. Have you ever had a crush on this person? I’ve never had a crush on him. Do you know their parents? His mom knows of me, but I’ve never met her. He’s not close to his dad, so I don’t care whether I know him or not. Do they have a boyfriend/girlfriend or other significant other? Yeah, in a surprising turn of events he’s seeing my seatmate/good friend from high school, Leigh. Friend Four What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Angela, and she’s a girl. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She’s 21 and has her birthday on September 15th. Are you related to this person? Mmm nope. But I do know she and Chelsea, another friend of mine and who was in my high school circle, are distant cousins. Does this person have an Instagram account? She does. I think I’m the only person in all my circles with no instagram. Do you know the rest of their friends? I know most of her friends, but tbh she’s super sociable so there may be friends that I haven’t heard of or met. What are their parents’ names? Alain and Girlie. When was the last time you spoke to this person on the phone? A few months ago when she called me up crying because her boyfriend was being a jerk. Friend Five What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Sophie, girl. She is also my girlfriend’s sister so that 1/2 answers the question on the section on Friend Two, lmao. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She just turned 15. If I’m not mistaken, November 14? Something along that week, anyway. Do you know what their favourite colour is? I have no clue but knowing her aesthetic, she’d probably go with a pastel shade. Have you ever been swimming with this person? Neverrrrr. I remember planning it once at their village’s clubhouse, but it never happened because I just never brought any swimsuits whenever I go visit haha. Do you live in the same town/city as this person? You can say that. But our city’s divided into upper and lower parts, and we’re on either side so it’s still a bit of a drive to get to their place. Would you answer the phone if this person called right now? I’d be surprised, but I’d take the call. Does this person live with their parents? Yes. Friend Six What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Tina, also a girl. How old are they and what month is their birthday? It’ll always shock me that she’s a year older – aka she’s 22. She feels like such a 1998 baby, if that even makes sense lol. Her birthday is September 11. Have you ever gone out for coffee with this person? We’ve bought coffee for takeout, but I’ve never sat down at a coffee shop with her. Does this person take selfies? If she does it’s only meme-ish in nature, or selfies with her dogs. Would this person come pick you up in the middle of the night? No and she wouldn’t be the first person I’d call because she lives too far from me and I don’t want to burden her too much. What does this person usually wear on a day-to-day basis? Growing up in Abu Dhabi where it’s warm/super warm all-year round, she can’t go anywhere without a thick jacket or sweater as she’s constantly cold. Have you ever shared a bed with them? I don’t think I have. Friend Seven What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Hannah, girl. Because most of my friends are girls. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She just turned 20! January 16. What do their parents do for a living? I have no clue. It’s never really been brought up in conversation, so I haven’t thought to ask and she hasn’t thought to tell. Have you ever gone to the cinema with this person? Nah and I think we have very different tastes so we wouldn’t be able to agree on what to watch anyway. Are they older than you? No, she’s much younger than me lmaoooo. What is their middle name? Her second name is Millenne, pronounced mell-EEN/mill-EEN. Since she’s a January 2000 baby, she was named after the word ‘millennium.’ Does this person go to school or college? Yeah, we’re coursemates in UP and equally hate journalism jfkhkdjhgg. Friend Eight What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Gab, guy. We’re not that close anymore but he recently caught up with me because he wanted to lend me his WWE Network account, which is super sweet of him. How old are they and what month is their birthday? If I’m not mistaken he was born 1998. But my second guess is that he was born 1997. Either way, his birthday falls on May 11. Do you have any inside jokes with this person? We have some inside wrestling jokes here and there. When was the last time you messaged this person? Thursday. I realize I never replied to him :( so I’ll have to get on that soon haha. How long have you known this person? We applied for our org at the same period, and that was two and a half years ago. What was the last thing you did to help this person out? Keep him company when no one was talking to him during the Christmas party. Have you ever said “I love you” to this person? Maybe when Nacho died. But it’s definitely not something I’d tell him all the time. Friend Nine What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Her first name is technically Denise, but I don’t know anyone who still calls her that. We all know her as Mils, from her surname. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She’s also 22 and while I don’t memorize her birthday, I do know she’s a Scorpio. When was the last time you hung out with this person? It’s been...a while. We’re pretty close, but we’re from different circles and we never hang out. I think it’s as far back as 2016, when she invited me to her and Leigh’s birthday thing and they treated us to a screening of Doctor Strange. Have you ever set this person up on a date with someone else you know? Nope. Again, not that close. Does this person have any pets? Yes, her family has a dog. How far away is their house from yours? It’s pretty close, but she lives in the heart of Cainta whereas I live on the very border of it, and I never go to that area. Would this person help you if you asked for it? It depends. She’s a hit or miss. Friend Ten What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Blanch! Also a girl. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She’s 20 turning 21, but not until September 8th. Have you ever stayed the night at their house? Nope. I’ve never been to her place and I don’t think I’ll ever get to, because she lives allllllll the way in Las Piñas. When was the last time you spoke to this person? Friday. We’re classmates in a history elective. Do you knock on their front door, or just walk right in? I’ve never been to her place. Have you ever ignored a phone call from this person? We’re not close enough to just call one another, plus I don’t think she likes talking on the phone anyway. Have you ever kissed this person? No. Friend Eleven What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Apple! Still a girl. How old are they and what month is their birthday? Like Gab, I’m not sure if she was born 1997/1998, but her birthday’s May 4. Have you ever gone to dinner with this person? Yes, but along with a bunch of people. She shocked all of us when she quietly downed an entire bowl of ramen in like five minutes, which is why her nickname on our org’s groupchat to this day is still “Ramen Nagi Queen” hahaha. Do you know what their hobbies and interests are? She’s down for anything, but she particularly likes stuff that forces you to be active, like hiking. Does this person go to the gym regularly? It’s possible, considering she’s into sportsy stuff. I’m not 100% sure. But one thing I do know for sure is that her resolution this year is to cut back on rice. Have you ever been to a party with this person? Not yet but she seems like such an awesome person to party with, given that she’s in a sorority lol. Have you ever secretly checked this person out? I have not.

#survey #surveys

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dachi-chan25 · 5 years

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GoT Season 8 Episode 1: The Pointy End Recap

Gods I am back on my bullshit but I can't help it 'cause I had too many thoughts about yesterday's episodes.

Disclaimer: So if you know me or my blog you know I don't root for D Targy (I write it like this cuz i don't want this post to pop up in her tag) and that she sometimes annoys the crap out of me, also i don't root for her bland ass romance or anything magical lizard related. I support House Stark 100% so ofc I believe in Pol!Jon (and more over I am a Jonsa shipper so ofc Imma write about that) and if you don't agree or don't feel confortable with any of those things this Recap is not for you (if you come here to troll I'll just ignore you anyway so don't waste your time and energy like that)

With that said let's begin!

-The episode starts with a young boy running to meet the Queen's entourage, we already see a lot of peasants and common folk gathered there, Arya sees the boy and smiles fondly (she is totally reminiscing when she did the same when King Bobby B visited WF) This shots made me feel very nostalgic as they parallel very closely S1.

Another parallel that it's included here is Jon and D arriving all regal couple like, I was just remembering about Bobby B and Cersei, and things are already on a visual side not working for them (d looks totally out of place with that flashy awkward coat, I mean the color, the cut, the red details, all of it makes her stand out like a sore thumb. On a visual level alone she does not belong there). The music is also worth noting, it starts off on a very ominious tone and then gets some heroic B bright undertones as Dr and Jon ride closer to he camera, but again falls into an ominious conqueror-villian entrance song.

The perspective shifts to Arya watching Jon and D riding (she doesn't seem happy to see D she kind of looks confused) but smiles when she sees Jon, we also see The Hound (Arya looks really confused, cuz she probably thought he was dead) and Gendry (she gives the cutest smiles ever,and yassssss Gendyra lives!!) riding behind them.

We get Varys and Tyrion riding in a carriage of sorts, and an unnecesary enuch joke *sigh* even Varys calls out Tyrion for it, and he is like idgaf cuz i got ballzzzz!! (Classy dude)

The common folk is not diggin this dragon kween business and obviously don't cheer or grovel at d's feet, she is very upset at this and Jon is like "I told you so", then the dragons approach and the people are terrified, they scream and run, worst of all D smiles and seems so smug (fuuuck her a thousand times, this proves she doesn't give a fuck about poor people unless they adore her, and that fear is just as well for her as respect, cuz this bitch is just like Cersei but dumber) and we don't really get to see Jon's reaction but come the fuck on!! This people Jon knows, some of them he has seen since he was a little boy, these are the people he is trying hard to protect and you think he is not gonna care for them just cuz d is pwetty?? Nah dude, he knows she cares about being worshipped (I meaaaan her long ass list of titles) but he thinks she is mostly harmless (may i remind you he still doesn't know about the TARLYS)

The camera follows the dragons and we see Sansa looking at them with worry (my poor girl, that's the adecuate reaction when you see monsters terrifying your people)

K, now we are seeing Jon in the courtyard, he sees Bran and immediately runs to him (you can clearly see Jorah helping D dismount in the background and that's hillarious cuz 2 seconds in WF and he is already leaving her ass behind in favor of his family), we even get a forhead kiss and Jon is pretty emotional at seeing his baby brother all grown up (tbh i find Bran's deadpan deliveries so funny, Jon looks confused af) he sees SANSA and biiiitch (I wanted to screenshot his face but I just gave up cuz it's very quick) the softness of his stare, the parted mouth, the way he just dives into her arms (Sansa stares at D while they hug like bih fuck off he is ours) . I want to address something real quick, yeah it was a shorter hug than we expected, but not less emotional ( Sansa was smiling and the look on Jon's face when he saw her) still it was 10000x times better than any Aegony scene because the affection is mutual Jon goes straight for a hug and Sansa opens her arms as opposed as Aegony scenes that rely heavily on D. Also I think this hug was shorter (and we see Jon pulling apart first) cuz d is watching, not only that but a lot of people are and i do think this season until the parentage reveal is out in the open they will be trying to keep their distances cuz they have feelings siblings are not supposed to have.

Jon asks for Arya, and Sansa says she is lurking somewhere with a smile (this reminded me of Cat asking about Arya on ep 1) and D approaches with the most forced smile ever, Jon introduces Sansa with her proper title first and then is like she is the kween D Targy forsaking all her thousand titles thank god. Also the first thing Jon says is that Sansa is his sister which I'll talk about later. So D tries (and fails) to be charming, saying how beautiful WF and the North (she says it's as beautiful as Jon said) and compares Sansa's beauty to it which had me wondering stuff.

A) so we never get Jon and D talking about Jon's siblings (another aegony is doomed moment) but he does mention briefly Arya and Bran cuz he thought they were dead, but Sansa??? Unless a thrid party brought her up he never talked about her which leads me to think D had no idea about Sansa being Jon's sister and that is why he breaks the hug and introduces he as his sister frist of all.

B) By talking about Sansa's beauty and how Jon talked about it, it implies they did talk about Sansa and that Jon said she was beautiful ??? Cuz that's the way D made it sound xdddd.

Ofc i think the A to be more like lyrics cuz Jon is playing his cards very close to his chest, but I thought it was funny.

Sansa brushes her of and delivers the WF is yours your Grace bs. Duuuude she is not even trying to be charming (she is corteous enough but barely) like she would have played the modest naive Maiden and said "not as beautiful as you, your grace" (bihhh d would have loved this shit) nor even a gracious thank you. And i wonder whyyy?? As far as she knows she is an ally, and yeah she doesn't trust her damn she doesn't even like her but that hasn't stopped her before like damn she was all charm when she met Roose and Ramsey for the 1st time and she hated them!!!! What I think is happening is that LF'S words are still in her mind about Jon marrying D, and Jon separated too quickly from their hug, and now he is standing beside this woman calling her queen, and yeah I see the jealousy maybe she doesn't know why fully maybe she is just starting to realize her feelings and is all projecting them onto the he betrayed the north's trust but I do feel it goes beyond that and it shows.

Bran interrupts before things get uglier with D and Sansa, with news about the wall, D looks shocked (bet she thought she was the only one who could control dragons) Jon looks like he is about to have a pánico attack.

They have a meeting with the northern Lords in the Great Hall (it is very curious that Jon is seated between d and Sansa, when befitting her new title D should be in the middle, D&D are driving this love triangle home) but from the get go we see that Sansa is the one running stuff and doing everything a queen should, she asks Ned Umbr about his people, he says they need more wagons and horses (I am sideeyeing D so hard at this moment) Sansa bids him to go to Last Hearth and bring as many ppl as he can.

Lyanna Mormont then proceeds to rip Jon a new one (but Lyanna like everyone else isn't really getting the full picture) and Jon looks at Sansa for support (like curious, as Lyanna is talking about D and she is his lady love and stuff you'd think he would look at her to gather strenght or resolution for what he is about to say but nope) but she is like 'dude you deserve it' and I would say she is right but like wasn't Sansa defending him to everyone that would listen last season ??? She literally said she respects Jon's desicions, nah this is her jealousy this is a go on prove me wrong, talk, give them (and me) and explanation of why u betrayed our trust for her. And Jon does look crushed when he sees he is not getting any support from her cuz if pol!Jon is right he did it! He listened to her, he was smarter than father and Robb, he brought an army home, and Sansa the one he did all this for still won't trust him that the North is his heart and home and he would do anything to keep it safe (like still pretty fucking unfair he wants sansa's blind faith without giving her anything in return but I get where he is coming from) and if pol!Jon is not real then they really destroyed Jon's character in favor of the blandest romance ever and I can't get behind that way of thinking because before I even shipped Jonsa I was a fan of both Jon Snow and Sansa Stark and I believe and support them both.

Honestly my boy doesn't even try to sell D, he is just like we need allies!! Tyrion just about gives up cuz he thinks Jon is a bumbling fool with no idea of how the game is played (lmaooo) and tries to sell D plus the idea that Cersei is sending them the Lannister army (I think is very important jon didn't mention this and I will go on about it later) Sansa is just about fed up with this bs, and asks a real important question about how da fuck is she supposed to feed this big ass army plus 3 dragons that she didn't account for and she doesn't have any obligation towards, like that's d's job, even worse d's haughty response (you can see Jon doesn't like this one bit) like honestly I had never felt more annoyed by d she is already a villian threatening Sansa in her own home for daring to care more about her people than about d's lizards, and i don't know how people are ok with that, like dude y'all are entitled to your own opinión and to loving your faves, but this shit was awfull.

We see carts of dragonglass in the courtyard, Gendry is giving instructions and Lord Royce is just leaving Sansa looking at all this activity when Tyrion approaches Sansa.

This is already to long and I have much to say about the Tyrion-Sansa convo, so let's go on in part 2!!

#jonsa #got 8 recaps #episode 1 #part 1 #dachi rants #dachi rambles #anti daenerys targaryen #anti aegony #anti targaryen

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patchofsunlight · 4 years

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Aw Nina its okay I totally understand!! I’m sorry you’re feeling sad. Don’t feel pressured to respond to asks and stuff if you’re feeling down! It’s okay to take breaks! You taught me that 😂❤️

I don’t feel pressured to talk to you at all. I love talking to you. And I honestly look forwards to it everyday☺️ you’ve been so much nicer to me these past couple of weeks than my actual friends so I appreciate you soo much ❤️

Ofc I’m gonna tell you more about it!! I finished season 1 yesterday oop😗👉👈 it was sooo interesting so I just kept watching it instead of doing hw lmaoo. Um my new fav is Todoroki I think loll. He just seems really interested to me. Aww I see I see. I’d love to hear your thoughts about him! Hehe thank youu

Yess I love that movie. I literally quote it all the time and I used to think it was so ridiculous that she couldn’t drive properly and then I started driving and I was like woah why am I literally Cher while driving 🥴

Most of my friends are actually extroverts loll. Aw thank youu

Hehe that’s soo interesting. Who’s your favourite character of all time and why??

I understand how you feel! I hope everything works out ❤️

We should all play again soon!!

Omg I did!!! It was so cute my heart was just like 🥺 Sokka is so adorable. You’re best is good enough!! You got so much done and you have been so productive!!

Okayy! I mean I kinda don’t really remember them cause I haven’t been putting in the effort to but I remember that they were just so weird and specific. I’m pretty sure of one them had to do with work and I was trying to clock in and I couldn’t and had to get my password changed? (Lmaoo wtf) and then ofc the usual school dreams of me being in the hallways with ppl. I do remember one night I woke up gasping for air ☺️ so that was lovely. It’s been a ✨great time these past couple of days✨

I’m sorry you haven’t been sleeping well! And you don’t have to talk about how you’ve been feeling or anything but I just want you to know that I’m here ❤️ you’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met and I love talking to you so so much and it makes me sad when you’re sad so if there’s anything I can do to help to make you feel less sad or anything you need I’m here. I love youu. You are loved and appreciated!!! ❤️ -🌙

yeah cmwkxowksk thank you moonie!!! you’re very sweet!!!

🥺🥺🥺 i’m glad i can make you feel a bit more happy!!! you’re an amazing person and you deserve: everything (also wdym nicer than your friends who are your friends i just wanna talk how can they not be the nicest ever to you wtf is that)

OMG YES!!!! season 2 is great i’m sure you’ll like it!!!! but honestly i love season 3 because there’s just so much bakugou content + season 4 is beautiful and i cried almost every second of it oof

TODOROKI IS BABY I LOVE HIM i’ll start an smau with him after i finish allergies!!! i have a lot of ideas

fnwjxkwoz i have so so so many thoughts on bakugou he’s such a good character and i love him so much but i’d talk for too long if given the chance so let’s not do that lmao

LMAOOO IM SURE YOURE NOT THAT BAD MOONIE I BELIEVE IN YOU

my favorite character of all time is probably margaery tyrell from game of thrones or clara oswald from doctor who. i havent watched either of these shows in a long ass time but,,,,,,,, margaery is a MOOD and i LOVE HER and clara was just the best so yes, those two

aaaaaa i’m really really glad you liked it!!! i didn’t like it a lot but i’m glad you did!!! and yeah i’ve been somewhat productive but idk cmwkxiaoks it’s fine tho

omg dnwkxwoskwjos moonie no you don’t deserve bad dreams!!!! i hope you have only good dreams starting now!!!!!!!

🥺🥺🥺 thank you moonie you’re too good to me!!! i don’t deserve you!!!!! you’re loved and appreciated too, i hope you have an amazing day 🥰🥰🥰

#🌙 anon #nina answers

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milkygraveyard · 5 years

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yesterday was very overwhelming for both me and andy, with reminiscing about both our individual pasts and all and it was just crazy. i’m really sad tbh

i don’t really know what exactly to write about i just know that i want to write

i guess im just sad because someone i used to be really close to, doesn’t really give a fuck about me anymore. or maybe they do and i just don’t feel like they do,, idk. but hanging out with them was really nice, or so i thought. but then their best friend kind of made me feel a little sad when she came up to me and i was like “i know you and _____ used to be bestfriends so i was scared when you were coming over because IM their best friend and i just didn’t want you to take them away from me.” like idk that just made me feel super uncomfortable afterwards because it felt like she was watching my every move and i couldn’t even talk to my friend without her looking at me or hearing me. it wasn’t even like that at all and i NEVER saw it that way either.. she was a really nice girl though and honestly her and my friend make a really good pair. and i told them that a couple of times just to reassure her that i wasn’t trying to take anyone’s place. the fact is though is that me and my friend are just different now. and another thing that kind of hurt me though is that when i asked my friend how much i’ve changed, they said that i have changed a lot and that i used to know about the “newest” thing all the time and would wear cute stuff. and that’s all they left it at they didn’t really say anything else so that also made me feel like crap. in a way i guess i can say that i feel used? like i was so excited to finally see my friend again, KNOWING we’re not close anymore and knowing that we are very different now but also, my personality is still the same and so i really thought we were clicking, but i guess not? i’m pretty sad tbh and i don’t like crying about the situation but i guess it just hurts. i felt like a third wheel after hearing those things and i normally don’t mind that but it kind of just felt like i was used to be a DD and that’s the only reason i was invited. and to take care of them cause they were doing drugs, which of course i also wasn’t invited to do because i would be driving. they also said they’d give me gas money since the event was in LA but that never happened lmaooo. and there’s more to it tbh but i don’t really feel like writing out the rest cause i don’t want to get upset. it didn’t seem like they wanted me to genuinely be there.

anyways though, i still don’t know what i’m going to do. i still love my friend and i’ll always have love for them because at some certain point in my life we were super close and it makes me emotional thinking about how close we were and how now it’s just they don’t care. or maybe they do care but they just have a lot going on. i’m sure that’s what it is honestly, cause they really do go through a lot and i don’t want to stress them out by bringing out my problems to them. i want them to stay in my life and so i’m not going to mention or even bring it up to them because i don’t want them to feel hurt.

so after all that happened, i’m really glad i got to see andy. he really is my best friend and just understands me. it’s like we click right away as soon as we start talking and we just laugh about the same things. i guess i just really needed him after and i don’t normally go to anyone for my problems anymore except for kevin. and i also told kevin about my situation and god i just love him so much. he just always knows what to say cause his mind is always aligned with his heart. but anyways, i had a really fun time hanging out with andy. we walked around my old school and just all the old parks we used to go to. there were memories left and right and while he was spilling his, i was spilling mine. his stories were really interesting tbh, and i love andy so listening to him and being able to watch him reminisce was super cool. we are literally the same person in our feelings sometimes lol. but i’m so glad i have him and can come to him for shit. he’s an awesome awesome person. one of a kind and everyone who’s had a bond with him can relate to what i’m saying. he’s just a super cool dude.

anyways, i kind of wanted to cry because i kept thinking about how i used to feel and who i used to hang out with, specifically this one person and i don’t want to go into much detail about them just out of respect, but i miss them a lot. and it’s crazy because i saw them yesterday and they’re still the same person they’ve always been. it makes me sad because i know what they’re going through and i know that i can’t really talk to them anymore and they really really probably don’t even think about me at all. like i don’t even cross their mind and i think about them still all...the...time...

this person had probably one of, if not, the biggest impact on my life and i cry just thinking about it. i kept talking about it with andy and he kind of tripped out on some of the things i said. it’s just sad because in my life, this person will always have a place in my heart. like this person is seriously someone who placed a tattoo on my insides lol. but to them, im literally no one. like i don’t come across their mind at all. and i know it’s true so that’s why it’s kind of crazy. like this person just has so much on their plate and i’m just a little thing in their mind that just says hi and then leaves hahaha. i’m just so stupid. i think about our past and my situation with them and it’s just sad. i wonder what would’ve happened if i would’ve done things differently. i still think the outcome would’ve been the same but i don’t know if i’d feel okay? or better? or maybe worse? i don’t know

all i know is that my situation is sad. sometimes i just want to come clean and tell someone about how i truly truly feel. but i just can’t do it, also it’s just about being respectful too. i cant go stirring into someone else’s pot ig.

i have so many small memories with this person, and andy really talked about it with me and it just blows my mind how big of an impact someone can have on you and they don’t even know it. like i’m pretty sure they have absolutely no idea how much i give a fuck. i hide it pretty well. it’s been years and i still don’t want to forget anyone. i’m still so attached to those memories and this person, i’m honestly not ready to let go.

#fuck anaheim and the nostalgic feeling it always gives me #text

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