#i just want to be done with this semester because it's kind of a shitshow tbh

[firthycreature]

Watch out, personal stuff!

Next month I'm moving into a new apartment and although the room is not big, I already love the place, because comparing to my old place it's so much better, I mean where I've been living for the past 8 months the at matter, also there was mold in the bathroom 🤢 and the new apartment is cleaner, brighter, aesthetically pleasing. And besides me there are going to live 3 people, of which 2 are not in the apartment for most of the time. Also, it's located in a great part of the city where there's a lot of nice coffe shops and pubs etc. (Even the building has one coffe shop downstairs, I went to check it out right after meeting with the owners). Oh, and there's tram stop like next to it, and train station nearby. It will take me about 10 minutes to get to the university.

And I'm just very excited about that.

End of the rant, you may return to scrolling.

#personal #apartment #life's not bad lately #i just want to be done with this semester because it's kind of a shitshow tbh

[ghost-in-the-hella]

I hope it's cool for me to drop another one, you just write them so well. Z: “Zip me up?” PriceMarsh

Absolutely! Prepare for a near-lethal dose of pricemarsh fluff.

CW for referenced homophobia and implied internalized homophobia. Also references to Rachel’s death because I can’t not at least mention that.

---

There’s no reason for Chloe to feel so nervous. It’s only prom. She’s never been one of those girls who considers their high school prom to be a pinnacle of her life to be surpassed only by her eventual and inevitable wedding day. Before she and Kate started dating, Chloe would’ve laughed at the idea of even going to prom. She was way too cool for all that mainstream, cliche high school shit even before she dropped out.

But here she is, sitting in the cab of her truck in the parking lot for the girls’ dorms, sweating through her tuxedo shirt as she tries to work up the nerve to go meet her prom date. Nervous. She and Kate have been official for a few good months now, but they’ve never done anything this, well, official. Chloe bought a corsage and everything. She’s wearing her dad’s old powder blue tuxedo from his prom, taken off mothballs for the occasion (lucky for her he was a total beanpole when he was in high school; Joyce barely had to take it in at all). It’s fucking go time.

She flicks her lighter a few times to steady her nerves. God, she wants a cigarette. But she knows Kate hates the smell even though she tries not to complain, and she wants tonight to be perfect. Not for herself, of course - she’s still too much of a hardass punk to care about going to prom, much less about having it be some kind of magical experience - but for Kate. Because Kate cares about going to prom, and Kate deserves a perfect night. She deserves, at the very least, a prom date who doesn’t smell (and taste) like an ashtray. If Kate’s going to risk outing herself to her family with prom photos of her with an obvious lesbian on her arm, well, Chloe’s going to be the best goddamn arm candy she can be.

She tosses her lighter into the glove box and switches off her stereo, silencing the pump up mix she’d been playing to get psyched. She takes a deep breath to ground herself. Okay. Okay. Now it’s go time.

She grabs her tuxedo jacket off the passenger side of the bench seat and slings it on as she opens the door and hops out into the parking lot. She pulls out her phone and texts Kate. 

Me: im here

Me: u ready to wreck shit up w ur hella hot prom date?

Kate: Almost :)

Kate: I need your help with something. Can you come up?

Chloe suppresses the instinct to shout NO EMOJI and restricts herself to a polite: sure

She checks herself out one last time in her side mirror. Her hair’s freshly dyed and combed to a silky sheen, every strand perfectly in place. She’s got a tasteful amount of eyeliner on, like any good pirate, and it makes the blue of her eyes pop. The tux looks surprisingly good for something that’s been packed up in the attic for longer than she’s been alive, and it accents her hair and her eyes both. 

“Your father would be so happy for you. I wish he could’ve seen you.”

Chloe swallows down the sudden lump in her throat. She already sobbed her eyes out enough when Joyce was helping her get ready; she’s not picking up her prom date with raccoon eyes if she cries her eyeliner into a mess (again). She adjusts her lapels (what was it with the late seventies and ridiculous lapels?!) and her blue butterfly boutonniere and strides toward the dorms. 

There are several people standing outside, copping a last smoke before prom. Victoria Chase is one of them, flanked by two girls Chloe only vaguely recognizes. She’s pretty sure the bottle blonde smoked her out once at a Vortex party after she’d lost track of Rachel, but she’s not sure they ever exchanged names. Victoria flicks some ash off her cigarette as Chloe nears, but she pointedly avoids Chloe’s gaze rather than engaging her. So, still kind of an ice queen but maybe she’s learned a modicum of civility in the wake of the absolute clusterfuck that was last semester, between her best friend getting arrested along with her favorite teacher for a gross assortment of sex crimes. And murder.

Chloe’s stomach twists violently at the memory. Fuck, last fall was a shitshow. She’s pretty sure she wouldn’t have survived learning about Rachel’s murder (officially “death by misadventure” because the Prescotts have lawyers out their ass, but Chloe’s nobody’s fool) without Kate’s shoulder to cry on. Chloe still doesn’t believe in god, but if she did she’d say that Kate’s been an absolute godsend.

Chloe spares the girls by the door a quiet nod in greeting as she passes, and two out of three return it (fuck you very much, too, Unnamed Brunette Sidekick). She climbs the stairs to the second floor and hustles to Kate’s door. Her whiteboard is blank today, so Chloe takes a moment to draw a cartoon heart on it before she knocks.

“Chloe?”

“The one and only,” she replies.

“It’s open; can you let yourself in? Alice is being a handful.”

“Ooh, bunny shenanigans!” Chloe opens the door and slips into the room, closing the door swiftly behind her in case Alice is in danger of escaping. Alice’s cage is, indeed, empty, and the bunny is nowhere in sight. What Chloe can see, however, is about half of Kate poking out from beneath her bed. She shouldn’t laugh. She really shouldn’t. She does anyway. Kate’s legs just look so formal as they stick out from beneath her bed at awkward angles, politely wrapped in dark tights and the jumble of what is clearly a very pretty dress that deserves better than to be mangled and coated in dust before it can even get its moment in the spotlight.

Kate giggles, so at least she’s aware of the ridiculousness of the situation and probably isn’t mad at Chloe. “She just will not go back in her cage! Can you help?” Kate flails out a hand in Chloe’s general direction.

Chloe crouches next to the bed and takes Kate’s hand, helping to slide her out from under it. “Hey, bun-bun,” she calls softly to the bunny beneath Kate’s bed. “Your favorite person is here! Come say hello!”

Kate gasps in mock offense and swats Chloe’s arm. “Her second favorite person, thank you!”

Alice hops tentatively out from under the bed and wiggles her perfect little nose at Chloe. “Ah-ha!” Chloe reaches down and gently picks her up. “Got you, you little rascal. Were you making life difficult for your momma?” She gives Alice a nuzzle.

“She’s been such a naughty bunny tonight,” Kate sighs. “I can’t tell you how many times she tried to nibble my dress. And poor Alyssa! Alice got half her corsage before either of us figured out what was happening.”

“Aww, I missed Alyssa?”

“Sorry; she had to finish her own makeup. She did mine, too. Is it too much? I haven’t gotten a chance to check.”

Chloe looks over at Kate and nearly topples over onto her ass, bunny and all. Kate looks beautiful, but that’s nothing unusual; she always looks beautiful. The subtle makeup that Alyssa’s used on her sets off her natural beauty perfectly, understated but lovely as always. Her hair’s in a braid with loose tendrils framing her face, which is a style Chloe’s never seen on her before and definitely could get used to seeing. And her dress is… Well. It’s a lovely dress; Chloe’s no great authority on dresses - she hasn’t worn one willingly since she was about four - but she can tell that much. It’s definitely picked up some dust here and there from Kate’s adventure under her bed, but it’s still obviously a nice dress. Tasteful, of course, or at least it would be if it were zipped in the back.

Which it definitely isn’t. 

On anyone else, it would still be a modest look. But on Kate… This is by far the most of her that Chloe’s seen in months of dating. Kate’s very much a “take it slow” kind of person, and even though historically Chloe’s tended to be more of a “take it as soon and as often as I can get it” kind of person she respects Kate’s boundaries and is happy to let her girlfriend set the pace. So getting an eyeful of Kate’s naked collarbones, the round curve of an exposed shoulder, the suggestion of a bared back is basically the Kate Marsh equivalent of a nip slip.

“Um.”

“Oh, no, is it too much? I asked her not to do anything too excessive…”

“No, no, makeup’s fine. Great, even. You look… amazing.” Chloe wobbles onto her feet and holds out a hand to help Kate up. She presses a kiss into Alice’s soft fur and walks her over to her open cage. “Okay, cage time for bunnies. No more mischief tonight.” She tucks Alice inside and locks the cage door behind her.

“You’re so good with her,” Kate says, wrapping her arms around Chloe’s waist from behind. Normally she’d burrow her face into Chloe’s back, but she restrains herself and Chloe appreciates the effort to preserve the integrity of her suit even as she misses the contact. “This is the best behaved she’s been all night.”

“What can I say? You’re her mom; of course she’s going to rebel. Me, I’m more like the cool aunt.”

“Hmm. Cool step-mom, maybe.”

Chloe’s face warms with blush. She reaches down to place her hands over Kate’s and gives them an affectionate squeeze. “You, uh, you almost ready to go, babe?”

“Almost.” Kate pulls back and Chloe turns around to face her. It’s a struggle, but she keeps her eyes fixed on Kate’s face even as they long to trace the delicate, graceful line of her clavicles. Then Kate turns her back to Chloe, glancing back at her over her shoulder with a soft smile. “Zip me up?”

Chloe blinks stupidly for several seconds before she answers with a silent nod. Her mouth is too dry to speak human words. She has to close her eyes and collect herself for a moment when Kate turns her head away again, waiting patiently for her assistance. Her hands are actually shaking as she reaches for Kate, which is stupid. She’s literally stripped women before. She’s just helping one put more clothes on. Her hands shouldn’t be shaking over that.

She tenderly sweeps Kate’s braid aside with one hand, draping it forward over her shoulder to keep it clear of the zipper. Her fingertip barely skirts against the bared skin of Kate’s back, but she can feel her warmth like a brand. Chloe takes a deep breath in and blows it out slowly to steady herself as she reaches for Kate’s zipper pull. It’s only when she sees Kate squirm slightly that she realizes she’s released her breath directly against Kate’s exposed back. She freezes.

“It’s okay,” Kate says when she feels Chloe tense up. 

Chloe tries to force herself to relax. She attempts to ease the zipper up and it catches within the first inch. Tentatively, she reaches to brace one hand against Kate’s hip for leverage. The zipper slides free and Chloe delicately zips up the back of Kate’s dress. It traces the elegant line of her spine up toward the perfect points of her shoulder blades (Chloe notes two small birthmarks on Kate’s left just above her bra and suppresses the urge to lean down and kiss each in turn). 

Chloe reaches around to gently guide Kate’s braid back to its rightful place when she’s done. She leans in boldly to press a kiss to Kate’s (still bare) shoulder, pausing millimeters away to give Kate time to signal her yes or no. Kate gives a small but unambiguous nod and Chloe kisses her shoulder firmly. Kate reaches her other arm across to tangle fingers in Chloe’s hair, holding her there gently for a moment.

Kate gives a contented sigh when Chloe pulls back, slipping her fingers free from Chloe’s blue locks. “Sorry if I messed up your hair.”

“Worth it,” Chloe tells her with a grin. She steals a quick moment to check her hair in Kate’s mirror, prompting a knowing giggle from her girlfriend. The damage is minimal; definitely worth it. She tidies it with a few quick sweeps of her hands. 

Kate steps into the frame and slips an arm around Chloe’s waist. Chloe reciprocates with an arm around Kate’s shoulders. “What do you think?” Kate asks. “Prom Queens?”

Chloe wrinkles her nose. “I’ll be happy as long as they don’t dump pig’s blood on us. Anyway, I think someone would have to stuff the ballot box pretty hard for me to get elected anything at Blackwell after I dropped out.”

“A year after you left to pursue other options,” Kate corrects her. “Now that you’ve got your GED, I don’t think you technically count as a dropout.”

“Aww, but it’s my whole identity,” Chloe teases. She dips her head to drop a light kiss to the top of Kate’s head as Kate scowls playfully.

“Guess you’ll have to develop a new one, then.” She squeezes Chloe’s hip hard enough to shut her up. “You look really good in that tuxedo. I can’t wait to show you off.”

Chloe raises her eyebrows. “Yeah? Not still worried about what people are gonna say when they see our prom pictures?”

“I’m still concerned,” Kate says thoughtfully. “But I’m more excited. I never thought I’d get to have this.” She turns to look at Chloe, and there’s so much warmth in her eyes that Chloe feels a sudden threatening prickle of tears in her own. “My mother and aunt fed me so many… bitter thoughts about what being gay might mean. All the things I’d never get to do or have because I didn’t think that gay people were allowed them. I never thought I’d get to love someone so much. I never thought I’d get to be loved in return. I never thought I’d get to just be a normal, happy girl on prom night, getting ready with her prom date to go and dance with her friends and have fun like anybody else. But look at me. Look at us!” She turns back to the mirror, leaning into Chloe’s arm. “We’re doing this. I’m going to the prom with my girlfriend, and we look amazing together, and we’re going to pose for stupid pictures and dance until our feet hurt and celebrate with our friends, and at the end of the night you’re going to walk me back to my room and kiss me goodnight because I won’t have to worry about my lipstick anymore and it’s all going to be perfect. And even if it isn’t perfect, it’s going to be ours.”

Chloe feels like she’s going to shake apart she’s so close to crying, eyeliner be damned. “H-hey, Katie?”

“Mm?” Kate turns to look at her sweetly, and god how did Chloe get so lucky to end up with this incredible girl.

“How much do you really care about the lipstick thing? Because I really want to kiss you right now.”

A dimpled smile breaks out across Kate’s face and Kate goes up on tiptoes, touching Chloe’s face lightly as she tilts up her face to kiss her. Chloe does her best to kiss her back like a normal person and not like a drowning woman. “Not as much as I care about you,” Kate answers when they pull apart again. She wipes a stray tear from Chloe’s cheek. “Are you okay?”

“I’m so fucking okay. I might be the most okay I’ve ever been in my whole stupid life.” Chloe plants another kiss on Kate’s forehead. She’s about to start leading Kate to the door when she realizes she’s forgotten something important. She fumbles the corsage out of the inner pocket of her dad’s jacket and presents it to Kate. “Come on, let’s finish getting you suited up so we can light up the fucking dance floor and give all the haters the middle finger. The metaphorical middle finger,” she amends when Kate starts to open her mouth. “Not gonna get myself thrown out of your prom; don’t worry.”

Kate holds out her wrist and Chloe has to bend to slide the corsage into place. There’s a surreal moment when she’s holding Kate’s perfect hand in hers and gently guiding the corsage into place, practically down on one knee to get the proper angle, where she wonders if this is what it might feel like to propose. She can see it so clearly in her mind’s eye: getting down on one knee, probably wearing this same tuxedo because that way it’s like her dad would get to be there, still holding Kate’s hand, still looking up into her beautiful and shining eyes as she gazes down at her with more love than any human heart could hold, Gramma Price’s ring resized to fit Kate’s finger…

Chloe wobbles, suddenly lightheaded, and Kate reaches out to steady her the way she always does. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Kate asks again, brow furrowing slightly with concern.

Chloe presses a reverent kiss to Kate’s knuckles and rises back to her feet. “I’m good,” she says, trying not to sound as dazed as she feels. “I’m great. I’m fucking amazing. You’re amazing. We’re amazing. Let’s go show all of Blackwell how fucking amazing we are.” 

Kate nods, grinning. “Yes, please.” She holds out her hand and Chloe takes it. Before they can make it all the way to the door, Chloe’s phone buzzes in her pocket. With an exaggerated sigh, she pauses to check it.

Mom: Chloe Elizabeth Price, don’t you dare forget to send me pictures!

Kate reads over her shoulder. “Maybe we should show your mom how amazing we are first?”

Chloe grumbles and rolls her eyes but obligingly opens up the photo ap on her phone. As annoying as Joyce can be (seriously, wtf with the Mom ESP?!), Chloe knows that Kate relishes this kind of maternal approval and that she’s never going to get it from her own mother. Joyce has her faults - fucking hell does she have her faults - but even Chloe has to admit that she’s been pretty awesome with Kate. She’s all but adopted her, honestly.

Chloe holds up her phone and lets Kate nestle under her arm. A perfect fit as always.

“Say ‘prom night!’” Kate says, grinning giddily.

“Prom night!” Chloe says without taking her eyes off of Kate, and she takes the picture.

#prompt fill #prompt fic #prompt ghost #fanfic #life is strange #chloe price #kate marsh #pricemarsh #ghost writes

[shkspr]

:~) dj khaled voice another one.. (big bad feelings post)

my problem is i just have so many problems at once and it’s so overwhelming and i can’t properly talk about any of it without sounding like a lunatic because i AM a lunatic and i can’t do anything right and like. i want to talk about the things i’m struggling with but it’s so so hard because if i start then i can’t stop and there’s so so so much of it like i’m taking the semester off of school because i still owe them money and i don’t mind taking the semester off if that was the only thing but i was supposed to graduate after this semester which means now i have to tell my dad and my grandparents and everyone who was counting on me graduating that i’m putting it off and also i already submitted applications to four grad schools and admissions are only valid for the term for which you apply which means if i want to start later i have to submit new applications which means new application fees and i doubt my zaidy would be willing to pay for that since i’m the idiot who wasted his money in the first place by applying and then having to postpone graduation and also i want to take summer classes so i don’t exit the grace period on my student loans but summer financial aid is so difficult and confusing and they don’t offer all the classes i need so i’d just be taking one or two classes in the summer and then one or two in the fall so i could graduate but i really just wish i had just a little bit more time so i could take classes this semester and graduate like i was supposed to but it’s almost two weeks in so i can’t do late registration even anymore and anyway i don’t know if i’d be able to look a prof in the eye after being such an abysmal dunce and if i have to reapply to grad schools that means i have to ask for letters of rec AGAIN and i’d probably have to ask the same profs because they’re all really good and they all love me but that’s so embarrassing to have to say listen i know you already did me this gigantic favor but will you do it again because i’m a fuck up? and i feel like all i do and all i’ve ever done is just be shitty and rely on other people to fix my messes and i really don’t have anybody and i really am not ready to move on in life like i am a-okay with taking a semester off notwithstanding the domino effect shitshow just because i need a break so fucking bad because everything is so fast and so scary and so out of my control and what? i’m gonna graduate and IMMEDIATELY move across the country? i’ve never lived away from my mom for longer than three months and i don’t have any life skills and i can’t be trusted by myself like that and how am i gonna survive so far away from everyone i know because i can’t make friends i’m profoundly incapable of putting myself out there in any capacity and i’m never gonna be able to make it in grad school or in life because i’m so utterly fundamentally fucked up and if i leave everyone will forget me and if i don’t leave everyone will pity me and i don’t know which is worse i just want to be able to go to school and graduate and live on my own and keep the friends i have and be near them but also be far away from here and i want to have a steady job and a good therapist and a favorite coffee shop and i want to have a life that moves at a reasonable pace i want to have time to read before bed i want to have time to hang out with friends i want to have time to fall in love and do yoga and drink a cup of tea i want to never have to worry about money ever again because that’s always always always the biggest issue in my life and i’m fucking sick of it i don’t deserve this kind of stress i just want everything to be normal and okay i’m not asking for anything extravagant i just want to not be struggling and worrying and fucking up all the time forever

#p.txt #txt #block of text -- #yikes sorry!!

[queerasinfvckyov]

housekeeping, or something

so uh, hey all (for anybody who was wondering where i’d gone). long time no chat? blog? i was mia/private for the past while due to being busy with my classes this semester. the semester is coming to a close soon so i figured i’d unprivate the blog now, though i probably won’t be active much until i’m done my final assignments and exams. well, for that reason i’m unprivating as well as because of the shitshow that is tumblr’s upcoming content policy. i’m gonna stick around on this website until the entire thing shuts down, after which i’ll probably move to pillowfort eventually, assuming it gets off the ground. i’ll make a post with a link for that account when the time comes. 

for those of you who found me because of fics (or care about that kind of thing) i do have a newish blog on tumblr specifically for my fics: binarysunsetsblog (i don’t think we can embed links in anything anymore if we want people to see the post? so i’ll just leave the username)

i still have my ao3, which is linked in my profile and it’s under the name binarysunets.

i’ve also created a dreamwidth user under the same name, which is binarysunsets(dot)dreamwidth(dot)org. just replace the dots and parenthesis with periods. i’m not sure how active i’ll be on there. i never was big on the livejournal format as a content creator even when i still used livejournal, but we’ll see. 

#bri blabber #larry fanfic #fanfic #fanfic writer #tiddy free tumblr #is my tag for this tumblr nonsense #housekeeping #tumblr alternatives #i'm 90% most of y'all don't care #but i figured for some of you who do #like maybe mutuals who wanna keep track of me later #i'd just update y'all #this semester has been v busy #and tumblr has had a lot of nonsense in the past few months #i didn't wanna take any risks with my blog #bc i've had it for years now #i'll have to archive it soon #make a backup or something #also y'all are welcome to go drop messages on my fic blog #especially about stuff i've written or maybe plan to write #if that interests you #i figured it'd be easier to have one place to keep track of the stuff i write #where the url doesn't change all the time #LOL

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

#hinatalks #long post

[forgetspecifics]

Such Sights are Bright - Chapter 4: I Believe in Night, I Believe in Day

Yang's plan to have Blake join her for Christmas gifts her more than she anticipated.

Other links: Ao3 FF.net

Notes:

I feel bad that almost half of this chapter had been written for a long time. Got my ass into gear and it turned out better than I hoped. But hey, it's the longest one yet, if that makes up for my absence?

December (Winter)

/

Blake had never particularly liked when Winter rolled around. There was the incessant cold weather; waking up and dreading stepping onto any tiled surface with bare feet, going outside and feeling the chill of the air – or worse, the dreaded snowflakes had invaded the land.

Then there were the holidays. Being alone got old very fast.

While Thanksgiving wasn’t technically a Winter holiday, it was still cold and it was still lonely. That had changed when Yang Xiao Long walked into social studies class late, and into her life (thanks to Ms. Peach). Because Yang was a wonderful person despite her easily judged outward appearance, and had made quick work of walking her way right into Blake’s heart. Which was why she had accepted her new best friend’s invitation to join her and her uncle for Thanksgiving.

And thanks she gave, because it had been the greatest Thanksgiving Blake had in five years.

It should have come as no surprise that Yang had approached her the next day of school and handed her a formal invitation (she claimed that, but it was just a piece of notepad paper) to Christmas day celebrations – this time with pre-approval from the whole family, she’d said.

Yet, Blake was surprised. Especially learning that her Thanksgiving invitation had been impromptu and not quite as thought at as she had assumed it was. Now Qrow was again opening his door to her, and Yang’s father and sister were just fine with sharing their family time with a complete stranger.

Yang definitely had a way of charming people.

Looking back on the past three months, Blake included herself as someone under Yang’s charm – the amount of things she’d never dreamed of doing, let alone voluntarily, she’d done. All because the girl had been enthusiastic enough to do a school project on discrimination. She hadn’t known at the time, but hearing Yang openly support Faunus made Blake like her all the more; there was no benefit for Yang to have said that back then. But along the way she’d shown her support time and time again. When they were deciding on what way to present their information, Yang had immediately gone for an essay – because a serious issue needs a serious platform, was her reasoning.

Now they were on the home stretch of finishing their serious essay, and to say that Blake was proud of her partner for her efforts was an understatement. They’d come a long way.

There was no way Blake could refuse Yang; she’d been talking for weeks about how she was looking forward to Christmas, and if Blake had gotten an invitation, then there was no reason for her to not go.

Despite that, the closer the twenty-fifth got, the more anxious she became. Blake was suspicious that it was some internal need to impress her best friend’s closest family members, but she couldn’t fathom why. It wasn’t like she was marrying Yang. Not to mention that Qrow seemed to like the affect she’d had on the rambunctious youth.

Yang had made sure to mention every couple of days to her that there was nothing to worry about. It was now the twentieth of December, they were discussing finalising their social studies project to be submitted in two days, and pretending to listen to one of Nora’s recounts of a crazy dream she’d had­. Which was another indication of Yang’s dedication, since she was usually enthralled by those stories.

Like some infernal alarm clock, Yang had slipped into reassure-Blake-so-she’ll-come-to-Christmas mode while Sun had the whole table distracted with how great the festive celebrations were in Texas. “So Blake, my dad and my lil’ sis’ are getting here Christmas Eve morning. They can’t wait to meet ya.”

“Are you sure you want me there on the Eve? I don’t want to impose,” Blake chewed her lip to distract herself from the nervous flutter in her stomach which arose every time Yang brought this topic up.

“Don’t be silly! You being there for Christmas Eve is imperative to the Christmas experience!” Yang said a little too loudly. Though her use of vocabulary was a pro, she’d brought attention to their conversation, and everybody knowing that Blake was going to someone else’s family Christmas was a con.

“Excuse me,” piped up Nora, looking awfully intimidating for someone that was incredibly short. “Why am I not invited to your Christmas, Yang?”

Ren looked defeated as he chastised his best friend’s behaviour from behind his facepalm.

Chuckling nervously, Yang tried to diffuse the situation as best she could with all her friends eyeing her. “It’s not that I don’t want you there Nora,” a lie, “it’s just that Blake’s special! Uh, I want her to meet my family!” Not a lie. The whole thing equalled a half-truth.

“Isn’t that the kind of thing couples do?” Sun asked as he tore off a mouthful of his banana, looking pointedly at the black and yellow duo as he chewed.

Yang gaped at how quickly she’d gotten herself backed into a corner, left helpless as Blake had hid her face on the table muttering, “Why has God forsaken me.”

“Uh. She’s not that kind of special…” Trailing off, Yang made a mental note that Sun needed some sort of punishment for being such an ass.

Recovering, Blake added with a neutral face, “I’d prefer to keep the reason private, if you all don’t mind. And it’s not a couple-thing. We’re friends. Which, by the way, is a descriptor that no longer applies to ourselves and Sun.”

Yang felt a pang of satisfaction as the monkey Faunus choked on his fruit snack, Neptune coming to his aid and whacking his back as everybody snickered at Blake’s sass. The bell rang, and the group separated, Sun struggling to compose himself as he complained. “Dude, that was harsh. It’s not like I’m wrong,” Neptune dragged him away, having chosen not to infer the girls’ wrath, and Yang almost felt like going back to tell Sun to knock it off. She chose to ignore it and get to class, but it seemed that Sun liked pain, as he popped up after school in the parking lot bugging her about it.

“Come on, you don’t have to pretend! I’m your friend, even if Blake said I’m not. You can tell me anything,” he insisted, placing his hand on Bumblebee to prevent Yang from getting on and leaving.

“I’m not pretending. Blake and I are just friends. And get your hand off my bike,” she said irritably. The guy meant well, but he was wrong.

“Just friends?” He repeated. “Sounds like you wish it was more than that,” his hand casually left the chassis of the motorcycle to rub at his chin.

Letting Sun get to her was the last thing she was aiming to do, but he somehow had a knack for it. “It does not,” Yang crossed her arms defiantly. That’s not what she meant by just friends.

“You like her, don’t you!” He accused. It wasn’t even a question in his mind.

“You need to pipe down, Sun,” she shut him down with a glare. “Blake has crazy good hearing, what if she heard you!” The prospect made her mind panic, and for so many reasons. One of those reasons was totally not that Sun was right, though.

“What does it matter if she hears, if you’re so sure you don’t like her?” He sure was persistent. Persistently annoying.

Yang rolled her eyes at such empty logic. “It just does! It’s not some secret Christmas couple rendezvous, I just invited her for friendly company,” she explained.

Sun looked at her like she was speaking gibberish. “Ron-day-what-now?”

“Rendezvous,” she repeated, “it means Blake and I aren’t a couple and you should stop insisting that I’m hiding anything,” she ended in a growl. He could search for the real definition on the Internet, but Yang had a feeling he couldn’t spell it anyway. Stepping past the now sceptical blonde Faunus, she swung a leg over the seat of her motorcycle and sat, fishing the key out of her pocket to start the engine.

“I’m not buying that, Yang,” Sun spoke with confidence then, but Yang went right back to ignoring him and started Bumblebee, revving it loudly.

“Didn’t hear you! Too loud! Bye!” She yelled over the noise, both of them knowing full-well that she had.

Yang had been nervous for weeks about handing her and Blake’s social studies assignment. When they’d given Ms. Peach their essay, the teacher had congratulated them on their teamwork. She’d said that if the quality of their writing was as strong as their friendship had become, they’d do well – to their embarrassment.

Now that the school semester was over with, their project submitted and Yang no longer worrying over the academic obligation she had to Blake, she found herself worrying over something else. Sun’s pestering had made her edgy about Christmas eve, because even though he was totally not right about liking Blake.

He’d made it awkward, when it shouldn’t have been. And Blake shut him down so hard in the cafeteria that Yang was now overthinking everything. Even though Blake had said the flirting didn’t bother her, and had made it pretty clear that sexuality didn’t either…Yang couldn’t help but wonder about all the what ifs. What if Blake got the wrong impression? What if Sun told her something that mislead her? What if Sun saw something that they couldn’t? What if-

“Somethin’ on your mind, Firecracker?”

Yang blinked as the road signs flew by on the other side of the window, her head turning to face her uncle.

“I thought you’d be excited, kid,” he said, eyes briefly flicking towards hers before returning to watch the road.

She was excited. They were on their way to the airport, the same one she’d landed at five months ago, to pick up Taiyang and Ruby. Qrow didn’t know about her internal battle she’d just been having, and felt it best to avoid a shitshow where she spilled the beans about something as trivial as non-existent schoolyard crushes.

“Ah, well, you know dad. Just don’t want him embarrassing me in front of Blake,” she lied. She wasn’t technically thinking about that, but it still was a possibility.

An amused smile found its way onto Qrow’s face. “You know damn well that he’s gonna do exactly that, intentional or not.”

“Ugh,” Yang said, realising that he spoke the truth. Although, maybe Blake would feel more comfortable if the attention wasn’t on her. It might be a good idea to set down a few ground rules to avoid any awkwardness. She’d have to remember that for later.

It wasn’t long before they were standing at the gate, eyes flitting from face to face as the small crowd exited the plane. Yang heard Ruby before she saw her, the teenager’s high-pitched voice talking a mile a minute; a squeal of her name was the only warning she had before her younger sister nearly bowled her over in a hug. And before she could gather her bearings, Ruby had moved to latch onto Qrow’s arm, happily chanting his name.

“There’s my girl!” Taiyang greeted, his arms opening as he emerged, at a more reserved pace.

“There’s my old man,” Yang teased light-heartedly as she accepted his embrace. “I missed you guys so much!”

It was incredibly nice to finally have them here after many months of waiting. As much as she was enjoying her time away from home, she still loved her family dearly. She briefly wondered if everything would have been different if Raven had never left. The thought immediately was shoved out of her brain as Ruby began telling her about everything she’d missed, as they all walked towards baggage claim, Yang feeling like everything was at a good medium between her normal life and her new one.

On the ride back to Canton, they were entertained with stories from Ruby about her German friend, who was a mixture of friendly snobbery and hilarious indifference. To Yang, this Weiss Schnee seemed like the kind of person she’d love to not get along with. The girl also had a soft spot for their dog, Zwei, which was a plus in her books.

Then they arrived at the Branwen family home, Taiyang even commenting that he got a weird feeling being in his ex’s home. Yang told him that you get used to it. They gave a tour, and got around to eating lunch, then Tai and Yang got to work on preparing dinner. The early evening crept up on them as they caught up and told of funny memories from ages ago.

Qrow glanced at the kitchen clock, addressing his nieces, “It’s getting late, are you two planning on dressing up for our guest of honour tonight?” Placing a sarcastic emphasis on what he referred to Blake as, only to get on Yang’s nerves.

Ruby gasped comically, seemingly having forgotten about that part of the occasion. “Oooh, yes! I’m so excited!”

Yang, luckily, recalled that she’d wanted to prepare her dad and her sister for their guest.

“I wanna establish something here. Blake’s really important to me and I hope that me trusting her is good enough for everyone,” she said, getting nods from all three of them. “Cool. Can you please not ask any personal questions of her? I invited Blake because I don’t want her to be alone, and not because we’re dating. Just to be clear about that.”

“Why would you have to clear that up?” Qrow asked, yet he sounded like he was being sarcastic again.

Yang grumbled in frustration. “Sun got wind of what was happening and tried to convince our friends, and even me, that we’re secretly in love or something. I just don’t want everyone getting the wrong idea,” she glared at her uncle.

“Don’t worry! We’ll all behave, won’t we!” Taiyang tried to settle any animosity between the two, not even bothering to phrase it as a request, rather just hoping everyone would play nice.

Qrow raised his hands in surrender. Two Xiao Longs was a little too much for him to go up against. “Sure, sure.”

Yang made sure to keep her eyes locked on her uncle as Ruby dragged her out of the room. They ascended the stairs, both entering Yang’s bedroom to no doubt give each other sisterly advice on what to wear. As her little sister unzipped her suitcase, immediately destroying any semblance of order in it, Yang tried to think of her options.

It wasn’t long before Ruby spoke up, but it wasn’t what Yang was expecting. “Soooo,” the brunette began, “you don’t have a crush on Blake?” The kid almost sounded guilty for asking.

“Not you too, Rubes,” Yang spoke regretfully. She wasn’t going to go off at her little sister, she was only fifteen after all. “I almost had to knock it into Sun’s head that I don’t,” she added with a laugh, though in retrospect, it wasn’t really that funny.

“But you always talk about her like…” the younger girl didn’t finish her sentence.

“Like what?”

Ruby scratched her head, a nervous tick she’d had as long as Yang could remember. “Like she’s the smartest, coolest, prettiest person you’ve ever met?”

“That doesn’t mean I want to go out with her,” Yang said dismissively, but all she got in return was a face that said it doesn’t? “Look,” she thought of how she could explain it. Ruby was innocent enough to still think that romance was as simple as checking a few boxes. At least the kid wasn’t caught up on the fact that they were talking about a gay relationship. “Blake’s great. But I don’t think I’m what she’s looking for. And even if I liked her that way, it isn’t gonna happen.”

“How do you know that?” Ruby asked, obviously in disbelief.

“When Sun asked if we were a couple, she acted like that was the craziest idea in the world,” though she may have been exaggerating it, Blake definitely hadn’t seemed open to the idea at all. Surely that was proof.

“What if she just didn’t want you to know that she likes you?”

Now that was farfetched. “Trust me. She doesn’t. And I’m okay with that, alright?” Yang signalled the end of their conversation by leaving the room, Ruby hearing something along the lines of her going to take a shower.

Still, the younger sibling was not persuaded to give up her wingwomanly duties. “We’ll see about that,” she said to herself, returning to rummaging around for appropriate clothing.

A short time later, Yang was having a crisis. What the hell was she going to wear? Why now of all times was she being indecisive. Why did it even matter? Ruby was of no help; the hyperactive girl having disappeared before Yang returned from the bathroom. Was it better to go with something casual or something a little classier? Maybe she should save the classier outfit for Christmas dinner.

When the doorbell rang, she might as well have imploded, because now she had no choice but to settle for the clothes she was wearing. Black jeans and a modest tank top – not the pinnacle of fashion, but it’d have to do. “I’ll get it!” She yelled down the stairs, “none of you even go near that front door!” There was no way she was letting any first impressions go unsupervised. Blake probably heard her shouting, but that was still better than any other prospect.

Almost rolling her ankle speeding down the steps at a speed Ruby would be proud of, she took in a deep breath as her hand turned the doorknob. It was time to kick off a great Christmas celebration!

“You made it!” Yang grinned a thousand watt smile as she greeted Blake, the Faunus clad in what appeared to be many layers of black clothing, and even sporting a beanie too. It was dusted with snow until she carefully removed it and shook it off.

“And you made it to the door first,” Blake commented, having heard Yang’s commotion.

“What kind of person would I be if I invited you, but didn’t bother to greet you? I was worried Rubes would beat me to it. She wasn’t upstairs with me.” The blonde ushered her in and took several coats off her hands; it almost looked like a comedy skit.

As if on cue, Ruby appeared in the hall and bounced towards them. “I’m here!”

The older girl ruffled her younger sister’s hair affectionately. “Blake, meet the most hyperactive person that exists next to Nora,” Yang said without a shred of insincerity. Those two would get along like Thor and lightning.

“It’s great to meet you Blake!” Ruby waved, resisting her inner urge to hug a stranger. “Yang’s said a lot about you!”

“Good things I hope?” Blake raised a brow towards the blonde; familiar with her reputation preceding her when meeting a relative of Yang’s. “It’s nice to finally meet you as well, Ruby.”

“The best things! Oh, would you look at that,” Ruby gestured with grandeur at the ceiling, putting her clichéd and corny plan into action, “mistletoe. Strange.” She shoved Yang back in front of Blake, racing off to avoid any retribution. She made sure to stay nearby to assess the success of her genius.

Her emotions ranging from shocked to angry, Yang’s face eventually settled for mortified as she realised she’d been set up. She’d told Ruby not an hour ago that this was not going to happen!

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that Ruby had been talking to Sun,” Blake said good naturedly, not offended by the younger girl’s prank. It was harmless, really. Well, harmless to her. Yang looked like she was on the verge of dishing out some punishment – and not the bad joke type.

Yang let out a huge sigh in exasperation; first Sun, then Qrow, then Ruby! “Sorry about her, she’s a little crazy sometimes. I don’t even know where she found mistletoe, let alone how she got it up there. Explains where she disappeared to, though,” she tried to land all the blame on Ruby – because it wasn’t like she had asked for this.

“It’d be a shame if all her effort went to waste,” Blake partially meant her words, but wanted to see Yang lose her composure once again. The girl had no problem mercilessly flirting, until she became the victim.

And composure she lost, but this time Yang turned a brilliant shade of red. “Uh, what?”

Blake smirked, finding herself to be enjoying herself already. “Oh, relax, I have no intentions of trading saliva with you.”

Yang visibly relaxed. “You had me going there for a second,” she chuckled, assuming it was just a joke as Blake continued to smile.

Ruby poked her head into the hall, frowning. “Yang! You can’t break the sacred tradition of kissletoe!” she reprimanded. Yang turned to her and stuck out her tongue, maturity thrown to the wind, looking back at Blake smugly as her sister sulked.

Only to be almost floored when Blake easily landed a small peck on her cheek as she brushed past.

“Merry Christmas eve,” Blake winked at Yang, returning the smug look as she walked towards Ruby who was now delighted that somebody was at least smart enough to go along with it. “That was for you, Ruby,” she claimed.

“Don’t encourage her!” Yang whined, thoroughly defeated. Ruby was going to take this and run with it. If the Earth was flat, she’d run right off the edge – but it wasn’t, so she’d never stop. No matter what she said, her little sister would stop at nothing to get her to admit to a crush she didn’t have. She would die right then and there on the spot if it weren’t for Ruby suggesting Blake go and meet their dad. She had to soldier on, and so she hurried after the two. Flicking Ruby on the back of her head, she exacted revenge. Two could play this game. “Ruby Rose, I swear to God, I’d ground you, but that wouldn’t teach you anything. I think I’ll just forget about making those cookies I promised.”

Before Ruby could protest, Blake butted in, “Will you make them for me?” knowing that the answer could only be one thing.

“Ugh, fine. I hate you both,” Yang gave up, opting to just try and get through the last introduction without a disaster. “Dad,” she called as they approached, the eldest Xiao Long turning to face them with a friendly smile. “This is my friend Blake. Blake, this is Taiyang.”

“Tai is fine!” he offered his hand, Blake extending her own as he continued. “I hear that you’re responsible for setting my sunny little dragon straight?” He asked, referring to Yang’s change in behaviour, but the innuendo was not lost on the rest of them.

“I wouldn’t use the word straight,” Qrow whispered to Ruby, the two snickering as Blake supressed a laugh herself.

Yang mainly groaned because she knew Blake was going to tease her about the nickname. “I wish I’d vetoed that name from being used in front of people,” she buried her face in her hands, effectively letting her uncle and sister get away with their mocking.

“I’d argue that we’ve been good influences on each other…but I’ll take the credit if you’re giving it,” Blake replied.

Yang’s father beamed at her. “I’m grateful Yang’s got good friends looking out for her. I’m sure we’ll talk more over dinner, but I’ve got a bit more catching up to do with Qrow.”

The three girls took that as their cue to run off and be teenagers, since dinner was already cooking. Tai and Yang had prepared dish of roast pork, which was their family tradition for Christmas eve. They migrated to the lounge, Yang plonking quite literally onto the couch and switching the television on.

“Yang, what could you be possibly looking for on TV? It’s Christmas eve,” Blake said as she took a seat next to the blonde, that looked at her incredulously.

“Uh, Die Hard?” Yang answered, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

The Faunus was momentarily shocked. “Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.”

Yang faux-gasped, “How dare you!”

Blake looked to Ruby for support, who sat on her older sister’s other side. “It takes place on Christmas eve,” the small brunette shrugged.

As the TV landed on channel after channel, Yang let out a noise of happiness as the film she was searching for appeared. She let out another noise when she realised what scene she’d come upon. As the main character spoke over walkie-talkie with the villain, and despite the tense tone of the scene, Yang exuberantly quoted, “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfu-”

“LANGUAGE, YANG!” Her father yelled from the other room, cutting her off, knowing exactly what she was doing. She did the same thing every year.

“Aw, man.” She slumped in her seat, Taiyang’s reign of humiliation never-ending.

Yang was just about ready to die when Blake hit her with a humdinger, “Remember, you’re on the straight and narrow now, sunny little dragon.”

Ruby burst into laughter, obviously enjoying herself. It was rare to see anybody tease her sister and get away with it, and it looked like Blake had mastered the art in a few short months.

“You are so not allowed to use that name!”

“Only dad calls her that. He takes a lot of pride in their similarities,” Ruby explained, and Blake could see, at the very least, that Yang was certainly a chip off her father’s shoulder in her appearance.

“Too much pride if you ask me,” the blonde muttered, “he might as well have named me Taiyang junior.”

“Technically, he did. Just in another language,” Ruby said, taking her opportunity to tease some more. An embarrassed Yang was easier to manipulate, and she intended to manipulate her into confession.

Yang whacked Ruby in the arm with an annoyed grunt. “Ruby, you’re not helping me here.”

“Yang, I don’t know what you’re complaining about,” Blake nudged her friend with her shoulder, “you allude to something marvellously bright, warm and powerful, and you have the ability to light up a room without even trying. My name translates, literally, to black. I know which one I’d rather.”

Lilac eyes glanced her way, taking in the Faunus’ choice of clothing…it was incredibly un-festive; more akin to funeral attire. “You can’t say that your name isn’t accurate, Blakey. Besides, even if you aren’t bright like you say I am, light shines brightest in the dark, right?”

Just like that, Blake found herself stunned. That sounded like something out of a movie; how did she think of that on the spot? “Uh, well, when you put it that way,” she said, not quite sure how she felt about how utterly sweet the sentiment was. They shared an awkward look as the pause turned pregnant, before Ruby came to the rescue.

“Jeez, when did you become such hopeless romantic, sis?”

So much for rescue…

“I’m not- ugh, Rubes, please…just watch the movie.”

And so, they sat in awkward silence, dinner-time drawing closer at a snail’s pace. Blake was mildly concerned that Yang had been pushed to her limit until she noticed that the younger sibling had cuddled closer with little resistance. The two seemed engrossed in the action onscreen, leaving the Faunus with little choice but to attend to her wandering thoughts.

It was true that Yang was quite possibly the brightest thing she’d ever come across in her life – next to the sun itself. Every time she wondered how exactly she’d made friends with someone so opposite to herself in every way, it always came back to one reason: her happiness was contagious. Over time Blake had come to believe that she would cast a shadow over anybody she got close to. How could she not, when it was all she got told? You’re a black cat, Blake, they’re bad luck to anybody that comes across one. Not only was she the darkness that her name suggested, she was the deadly nightshade, the poisonous belladonna. At least, that was what he had said.

If Blake was the night, then Yang was the day. Bright and sunny, warm and comforting. Day and night couldn’t coexist…

...but maybe she could learn to believe that light shines brightest in the dark.

As the three sat through Die Hard – Blake still didn’t think it was a Christmas movie – eventually Tai called in Yang to finish off dinner preparations, so she left the other two to better acquaint themselves. Not without warning to Ruby to behave, of course.

“So, Ruby…it seems like you’ve missed Yang more than she anticipated,” the ravenette spoke up. She remembered the first day of school when Yang had mentioned she had a little sister back at home.

“Yeah, I missed her! But what do you mean?” The girl wore a confused look.

“I know mischief when I see it. Yang’s an expert at it, and all things considered, you’re likely even better,” Blake said, “I’ve had my fair share of poking fun too, but maybe you should go a little easier on her. Yang missed you more than you realise. She even talked about you the first day we met.”

Ruby smiled. Her big sis had apologised a million times for leaving her to pursue other things, and she understood, she did. “Oh, I know, I’m not trying to make her feel bad about that,” it was undeniably adorable that Blake was that concerned and looking out for her friend. She hadn’t realised what exactly this was all about! “I just think sometimes Yang can’t see what’s right in front of her. She’s used to taking care of other people, and not always thinking about what’s best for herself. And from what I can tell, you make her really happy.”

“Oh,” Blake tried not to blush at the implication. Ruby was actually trying to push them together, not just use romance as a source of embarrassment. At that moment, she tried to remember that the girl was only fifteen and that she would need to diffuse the situation carefully.

“I can tell you just want to help, but unfortunately not everything is as simple as that.”

“It could be simple! Yang thinks you’re the bee’s knees,” the younger girl waited, hoping that she was being convincing.

Blake’s reaction appeared to be disbelief. “The bee’s knees?” What an odd thing to say, for a kid. Did this family like bees in particular for any reason?

Ruby nodded, finding that she was running out of persuasive things to say. “…technically she didn’t say she wouldn’t date you,” she finally added, as if that was proof in itself.

So, in whatever conversation the sisters had, Ruby had asked if Yang wanted to go out with her? And she didn’t say yes, but she hadn’t said no, either. Why they were talking about it, Blake didn’t know. Perhaps there was more she needed to find out before jumping to any conclusions, but, there was one important thing they hadn’t factored in.

“It’s sweet you’re trying to look out for her, but by no fault of her own, I’ve never even contemplated Yang that way. I don’t think it would work,” Blake said in honesty.  Because there was no way.

The girl opposite her looked disappointed, “You don’t mean because you’re girls, right?”

Such an innocent question was at least reassuring. But it was hardly the problem. “No, no, not that.”

“You guys balance each other, you know,” Ruby tried again, not ready to give up.

But it was no use. Blake was adamant, “I know. We just…” Aren’t the same, was what she wanted to say, but that would only raise more questions.

“We don’t match,” Blake waited for a disagreement, but none came.

It took a moment, but Ruby made no further objections. “Huh. Okay, then,” she said with a little shrug.

Had the sisters planned to get an answer from her? “Okay, then?” Blake repeated warily; she felt like this was some sort of test.

“Yup! Forget about it,” Yang’s sister flashed her a happy smile and returned to watching the television screen, dropping the subject like it was hot.

Why did Blake feel that if it were a test…

…she had failed it?

Throughout dinner, Blake tried to quell her unease from her conversation with Ruby. Mostly, she had gone back to thinking that she’d been reading too much into what they’d discussed, and that Yang was oblivious to her sister’s antics – it really did seem like the kid hadn’t been that serious if she gave up like she did.

Besides, it was hard to stay worried when she was presented with such a happy situation. Finding herself sitting at the dinner table surrounded by a family was something she had been deprived of for many years. It may not have been her own family, but it was a loving one nonetheless. They certainly had made her feel right at home, Tai asking questions about school; wanting stories of the things they got up to; how on Earth she had managed to reign in the rascal that is his daughter; and all of them chatting amicably to her. Even Qrow seemed to be in a good mood – well, a better mood than usual.

They’d all finished their meals, Blake feeling particularly sated; Yang was without a doubt, talented in the kitchen – it hadn’t been just the tuna talking last time.

Ruby let out a hefty sigh. “I’ve missed your cooking, sis,” Yang giving her a subtle wink when their father made a noise of indignation, “uh, no offense, dad!”

“I take much offense! Don’t forget I also cooked.”

“You were helpful,” Yang chimed in, “as in, you helped me cook.”

Before their harmless teasing went too far, Blake felt it was only fair of her to offer her thanks, “Well, it was delicious. So, compliments to both the chefs.”

“Ah, see, my children? You’d fare well to be politer, like Blake,” she saw the sisters shrug their shoulders in unison as they giggled. “Since you’ve experienced a little of our family traditions, Blake, I think it’d be only fair if you got to choose our evening activity!”

As a child, her family had always been into all the typical family bonding things. There was one thing in particular she felt would be appropriate. “If all parties are willing, I’m up for playing a few festive tunes,” she returned the sincere smile the Xiao Long elder sent her way.

“Oh, no, no. I don’t do carolling,” Qrow spoke up, finally deeming the conversation worthy of his input.

Yang abruptly stood, her chair almost toppling over in her enthusiasm. “You’re gonna sing Silent Night, and you’re gonna like it, old man! Blake’s fingers are like a Christmas miracle- I mean, Blake’s piano playing, not her-”

“Alright, alright,” Qrow rolled his scarlet eyes at how bad Yang’s recovery was, “don’t hurt yourself, kid,” he rose and lightly shoved her while she was still stuttering out what sounded like an apology.

“Christmas songs, yeah!” Ruby sped off after Qrow, out the kitchen and down the hall, Taiyang chuckling at the sheer difference between their attitudes.

“If you can get Qrow to sing, I think you might be my hero,” he said to Blake as he also exited the room.

“How many songs do you have memorised?” Yang asked quietly, while nobody could overhear them.

“Only the ones I had to,” Blake casually replied. That could mean anything, to Yang. “Come on, I want to hear you sing,” the Faunus tugged the blonde along with a cheeky smirk, “maybe your mouth can be a Christmas miracle too.”

Yang instantly felt ten degrees warmer all over at the insinuation. Blake had been feisty all night; at this pace, Yang would be dead by midnight of embarrassment.

The mismatched family had danced and sung for hours to Blake’s piano notes. Well, she had taken a break an hour ago, and been replaced with a crappy CD – Qrow had fished it out from the depths of his music collection – when Yang had complained she hadn’t gotten to dance with her. Blake had finally lost all her composure when Yang had had one too many sips of her uncle’s drink and busted out what she called the slutty Jingle Bell Rock dance. “It’s from the most popular teenage girl movie everrrrrrrr,” she’d claimed. How she remembered the moves was beyond anybody at that point, but it had become too much to contain their laughter when Qrow and Tai even tried to follow her lead.

Ruby had cried, “I’m traumatised!” and covered her face with a pillow when the men curtseyed at the end while Yang just tripped on her own feet and fell down.

Tai tutted at his little dragon who was cackling on the floor at her own clumsiness, “Yang you’ve had too much to drink! No presents from Santa for you!”

Still laughing, Yang mock whispered to Blake behind her hand. “Should we tell him Qrow let us in at the bar?”

“Young lady!” Tai looked at her, then at Blake. “Ladies!” He corrected, “what happened to behaving!”

Yang guessed he wasn’t really that mad. She’d done worse at home. “It was only one time. Besides, we’re almost eighteen!”

Ruby poked her head out from behind the pillow. “But the legal drinking age is twent-”

“Actually, I think we’re gonna go to bed before Santa comes!” Yang quickly gained her footing and dragged Blake with her on her retreat. “Goodnight!”

Blake watched with amusement as Ruby followed after them, Yang stumbling as they ascended the stairs. “I swear to drunk I’m not God,” she laughed, deliberately messing up the phrase, “but damn, Qrow drinks some hard liquor.”

Blake gave her a slight knock upside the head. “For some reason I think you were probably aware of that,” she sounded mad, but just like her dad, Yang knew she wasn’t either.

The three crowded into the bathroom to try and brush their teeth. Ruby and Yang shoved at each other, thankfully leaving Blake out of their squabble. She had taken her toothbrush she kept here, that Yang insisted she have. If you’re always here, might as well have a toothbrush, she had said. It only occurred to her then that it was kind of a weird thing to do; and it only was due to how often she seemed to stay over.

“You have your own toothbrush here?” Ruby asked, almost spitting mint froth all over the place.

“Manners, Rubes,” Yang tapped her sister on the head with her own brush that she was yet to use. Ruby sped up her brushing under Yang’s stare, finishing up in record speed. “Uh, sorry,” she murmured. Looks like Yang had caught on to her. “I’ll see you in the morning! Bye!” She tried to squeeze her way out the door, but strong arms caught her.

“Hold up there, squirt,” Yang wrapped her sister in a bear hug that rivalled every other she had given before. She was giving equal parts love and punishment, after all. “Don’t let the bed bugs bite. Seriously,” she winked, “love you.”

Ruby returned the sentiment and left for the spare room she would be sleeping in with their dad. There was only one spare room, after all; with Blake joining them there was no choice but to have sleeping arrangements that way.

The older girls remained, tending to their dental hygiene, Yang making silly faces in the mirror every time their eyes met. Blake attributed it to tipsiness, but was proved wrong when they finally retreated to the privacy of Yang’s room and heard Yang apologise.

“I’m sorry if Ruby’s said anything…weird to you tonight.”

“If being greeted under mistletoe didn’t scare me off, you have nothing to worry about,” Blake let herself laugh a bit, because it was kind of funny seeing Yang grimace at the mention of the incident.

“You so shouldn’t have kissed me. I think my little sister is going to ship us together like TV characters,” Yang wore a pensive expression, and Blake wasn’t sure how Yang really felt about it. It was the best time to find out, though.

“I’m not entirely sure what Ruby wanted to accomplish, but she did bring that…topic up. While you were gone.”

That prompted Yang to groan for the umpteenth time that night. “I told her we weren’t a thing and we aren’t going to be. For the record.”

The blonde began stripping herself of her clothes haphazardly. Her statement had sounded a bit forced. The sisters hadn’t agreed, that much was obvious. She still didn’t know why Yang was annoyed, and frankly, if they had both denied it then there was no reason to keep talking about it.

“She stopped when I said the same thing, basically. Really, Yang, it’s fine.”

Yang looked at her then, and Blake made sure her face said it’s okay. Because it was. Everything was okay.

“I’m actually surprised that you’re still single,” Blake decided to steer the conversation away from them, “there should be guys lining up at the mere sight of you, but they’re not.”

“Are you patronizing me?” Yang mocked offense, scoffing snootily. It would have been a great act if she had any shred of dignity left; it was hard to take anybody standing in their underwear and socks seriously. At least they’d gotten off the awkward topic.

Yang put on her usual sleeping ensemble while Blake busied herself finding something to wear in Yang’s dresser. She’d been given permission for unlimited access after Yang had found it too bothersome to give the okay every time her friend asked. I’m not hiding anything in there you wouldn’t want to see, was her reasoning. It was both comforting and unsettling that Yang knew exactly why she was apprehensive, because that meant she now knew that Blake wondered about certain things she shouldn’t be thinking about.

She opted to slip into sarcastic indifference to mask her slight embarrassment at the memory. “No, not at all.”

They lapsed into momentary silence and Yang climbed into bed. “Maybe it’s because everyone saw me hit Cardin. They probably think I’m a savage or something,” Blake could tell that she’d actually hit a sensitive topic just by Yang’s words. Though she was genuinely curious if Yang had prospective partners; whether the bombshell blonde had neglected to inform her altogether, or rejected anybody, really wasn’t any of her business.

But, her business was to be a supportive friend. “They’re probably just afraid,” she dismissed the preposterous self-notion. All teenagers had second-thoughts about asking someone out. She was pretty sure of that, at least.

Yang looked up with her brows furrowed. “Oh.”

The Faunus felt her cat ears droop instinctively at Yang’s dejected tone. She elaborated, “afraid that they’re not good enough for you.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I mean it.” God help her if she felt this bad about an insecure Yang Xiao Long. The confident girl was disarming, but this was worse. It made her say things she didn’t know she thought. “In my opinion, nobody is good enough for you.”

Not even me.

Blake undid the bow atop her head, incredibly conscious of what had just run through her mind. It was true, but it didn’t mean she understood why it made her feel worse. She had perked up her friend, and that was what really mattered. She started to undress as Yang said nothing more. Usually, she’d prefer to change without an audience, but, Yang wasn’t looking anyway…and Blake had come to learn that she really didn’t care if she was. Flaunt what you’ve got, right? Even the voice in her head had started to talk like Yang, and it was growing stronger every day.

When she lay down and switched off the lamp, she could see Yang next to her; eyes searching fruitlessly for her own in the dark.

“Can I tell you something?” Blake asked, feeling that this was another opportunity to let her guard down.

“Anything.”

“My father started a Faunus rights activist group before I was born. He used to tell me that it was different, back then. The others members eventually worked against him to change it to…something akin to a religion.

“He let them take over. He didn’t want to fight with humans, let alone his own kind. So my parents practiced with them, and I was raised with their beliefs. But, once they were gone, things began to change,” Blake trailed off, unsure of how to describe what her Church had become. The White Fang had gone from activist protesters to organised preachers, holding sermons of how one day they’d save every Faunus and eradicate humans.

As she listened, Yang’s hand presented itself in a kind gesture. Blake was glad for the reassurance and held on to it with her own. Her friend said nothing, but remembering Blake’s night vision allowed her to give her plenty of physical signals.

Yang’s hand squeezed hers, encouraging, go on.

“I think I grew up in a cult.”

“But you left, right? That’s why you moved here?”

“Somebody I trusted changed. It wasn’t in an instant, it was gradual. Little choices began to pile up, and they became too much to bear. Eventually I realised I wasn’t doing the right thing, so, yes. I left.”

“You are not defined by your past, Blake. I hope you know that.”

“If you keep telling me that, I might start to believe you.”

“Then I’ll tell you every day. And I’m really glad you’re here,” Yang said quietly.

Blake knew that those were grateful words. “So am I,” she replied, and hopefully, that conveyed her thanks too.

But, just in case, she got a little closer to her own personal sun. Yang was quick on the uptake and pulled Blake to her chest, but when she released the hug, the Faunus did not move away; content to share the comfort of another. Like the rumbling of thunder, Yang’s strong heartbeat almost echoed in her head, the rhythm of a rolling drum lulling her to sleep.

Blake felt like she woke in an instant, but it seemed that it was now early morning, and neither of them had moved in their sleep. Her ears picked up no voices in the house. She wondered if this family rose early for Christmas, like hers once did. She was not against lying in wait, for it was oh so very warm with Yang. Eventually, she did feel the blonde shift and sensed the change in her breathing.

There was a slight grumble. “Blake?”

“Hey,” she acknowledged the sleepy call. “Merry Christmas.”

“Huh? Oh, right,” Yang moved again, but away this time. When Blake whined just slightly at the loss of heat, Yang chuckled. “I’ll be right back, you leech,” she rolled over once Blake relented, and opened her bedside drawer and pulled out a nondescript envelope.

On her return, she looked slightly sheepish. “I know I told you not to get me anything, but I still wanted to give you something. Merry Christmas.”

Blake took the gift with a little huff. “That’s entirely unfair.”

“I don’t need you to reciprocate everything I do,” Yang dismissed, “just let me have this one.”

And she did, if only because of the sincerity. Flipping open the unsealed covering, she took out its contents, and the simplicity of it came as a shock somehow. Inside was a gift card to one of the local bookstores, and it wasn’t exactly a small amount of money. Her face must have betrayed her head, because Yang didn’t let her protest.

“I know you love reading, and now you can buy whatever you want. Maybe you won’t forget about me when you’re having the time of your life buried in a book.”

“This is very thoughtful,” Blake said, not quite sure what that was supposed to mean, but she smiled nonetheless.

Yang looked very pleased with herself. “I know.”

“Wow, humble,” Blake teased. It was a wonderful present. “Got anything else for me in that drawer?” She joked.

With a smirk, Yang murmured, “Nothing you’d wanna see.”

“Yang Xiao Long, you are an idiot,” Blake swatted her pest of friend for such a despicable joke, but was forced into a bone-crushing hug as Yang giggled.

If her crushed bones didn’t kill her, then the heart attack she had when the door was almost blown off its hinges as Ruby barged in yelling, “WAKEUPIT’SCHRISTMAS!” would have. Blake squealed adorably – in Yang’s opinion – when Ruby jumped onto the bed and landed on the both of them.

Great, Yang thought, they were caught in such a compromising position. Ruby had the worst timing. “Holy crapoly, little sister! Have you ever heard of knocking?”

For some reason Blake had pulled the covers up over her like she was naked. It made them look less-than-innocent, that was for sure. It was kinda funny too, though.

Ruby looked confused. “What, you guys aren’t being gay are yoooohhh my gosh Blake you have four ears,” her face lit up as her words transitioned from her sheer joy.

In an instant, Blake had disappeared under the bedspread. “That is why you knock,” Yang said, exasperated.

“Don’t worry Blake, I can keep a secret!” When the Faunus did not emerge from hiding, Ruby added in earnest, “I promise.”

Yang couldn’t help herself. “You could say you ­paw­-mise.”

Blake rose up then just to assault Yang with punches for such a crappy pun.

It turned out that the twenty fifth day of December was every bit as good as the twenty-fourth. They all gathered around a small plastic pine tree – that Qrow had deemed festive in air quotes – for a brief trading of presents. Most were for the youngest attendee, but Yang did receive a particularly well-fitting motorcycle jacket that Blake couldn’t help but admire.

Then, they’d eaten a delicious breakfast whipped up by the chefs Xiao Long. Yang also made the batch of cookies that she’d promised, and while they were baking, Ruby announced that she had a special video call to share. Apparently, her friend Weiss was dog-sitting Zwei back in Maine – and one of the care instructions had been to call on Christmas day so they could say hello.

It was oddly fitting how much Tai, Yang and Ruby babbled at a dog on a tiny screen. Blake and Qrow shared a glance of amusement behind their backs.

Once the cookies were out of the oven, Ruby was lost to the world. Blake would admit that she’d eat more of the treats than she normally would, they were that tasty. Yang was well equipped to tame the hyper girl, but her younger sister then wanted her father and uncle’s help tinkering with a new project that they’d given her, so the two friends took a few cookies back upstairs and let them go wild.

Yang noticed that Blake was beaming with happiness. Most of the time, Blake hid her emotions well, so it was a rare sight. “That smile looks good on you.”

“Yeah? Well, credit goes to you for that one,” Blake said, nudging her.

She was actually being open about it, to Yang’s surprise. She expected an eye roll or something. “What did I do?” She asked, thoroughly intrigued.

Blake became bashful at Yang’s insistence. “You, and your family too, are restoring my faith.”

“Like, in humanity?”

Blake hummed in agreement. “And my literal faith. Kind of. See, when I left the White Fang, I also left my beliefs behind. But now that I’ve changed, I think that whatever God is up there is rewarding me. Everything has been so much brighter since I met you. You’re like a blessing. I guess I didn’t realise it until now.”

Well, shit, Yang thought. She knew that Blake wasn’t trying to be, or implying anything romantic…but her heart suddenly jumped into her throat and she almost choked. She was a goner. This was it. This is what it felt like to fall for someone you shouldn’t.

“Blake-”

Yang found herself wrapped in a hug. Blake hardly ever initiated hugs.

“Thank you, Yang.”

“Yeah,” what was happening to her! Say something better! “I love you too, Blake,” she said it like a joke, and the irony was lost on the oblivious Faunus.

This is bad.

That evening, Blake left. Spend some time with them alone, Blake told her, you’ve done enough for me as it is.

So Yang let her go.

It was almost a relief, after the revelation of her true feelings. It was weird, knowing that she’d vehemently denied it – because how wrong could you be about yourself? Closing the front door, she was confronted with her sister.

“Blake’s nice,” Ruby said matter-of-factly.

Duh. “I know.”

“And she has cute little kitty ears,” a whisper.

“I know, Ruby.”

“Are you sure you don’t like her?”

Not anymore. “I am such an idiot.”

Song: God

Just hear those sleigh bells jing-a-ling, ring-ting-tingaling-telling-you 'you totally like her'. But the bells are actually Ruby.

I hope this didn't come off as preachy. I'm not religious at all. I am able to accept and live alongside any religion, because any reason to be a good person is okay in my books, and that's how I listen to such a song like that. Some worship-songs bother me because I can't relate, but I do like this one quite a bit. Unfortunately, when I planned the story, I had underestimated how I was going to write this chapter. I don't want religion to be a major contributor to Blake's character, but sometimes things pan out weirdly. It shouldn't be that intrusive from here on out.

Anyway, I apologise for taking so long. I've struggled a bit lately with concentration. I made vector art of team RWBY sometime on my break - if I took time to make it instead of writing, you deserve to download it if you want.

Let's hope that I don't take forever to write the next chapter lel :'( I've got two promt-fills I have to do, so you might see one or both of those first, idk. Shit's hard, dude.

#rwby #rwby fanfiction #rwby fanfic #bumbleby #rwby bumblebee #rwby bumblebee fanfiction #rwby bumblebee fanfic #bumbleby fanfic #bumbleby fanfiction #bees #the bees #slow burn bees #otp #yang xiao long #blake belladonna #ssab #such sights are bright

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

It’s the bubbles of nothing

The slightest mis-interpreted meaningless nothing can send my head spinning in a negative or positive direction.

Past history tells me that the nothings do end up getting treated as nothings and everything is fine. Or at least, it seems that way.

But no matter what I do, I can't seem to learn that lesson.

Which is ironic. For a while now, the whole Being Rational thing has been more than merely important to me; it's been how I've been dealing with most of daily life. That definitely includes learning from the past.

Something I'm good at is picking up the basics and learning pretty quickly. To help a friend with (now-finished) upcoming exams, I brushed up on set logic, then skim-learned most of an introductory/history course Sociology. I have learned things about Bourdieu that are cool. I have learned things about Michel Foucault that really make me wonder why anybody listens to him.

... and yet, I can't seem to learn from my own history. This is where my whole rational brain thing seems to fall over.

Because, I keep being afraid that whatever last emotion-driven, barely-brain-controlled thing I last said was a fuck-up, the straw that would break a friendship's back.

Because, it’s no matter that I could do many good practical things to benefit That Person. It’s no matter that I could do many good not-practical fun things to benefit That Person. I'm convinced That Person doesn't actually need me, the way I need them.

... okay. Want them. Strictly speaking, I don't need That Person either. I know that this isn't like the lowest two levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs>

My Physiological needs are pretty much cared for.

My Safety needs are mostly cared for. Well; as much as anything in this uncertain world can be.

My Social needs... ha. Are almost entirely unfulfilled.

       That was something interesting to learn from Sociology (well, I did really cram-rush this. I had to cover most of a semester in one day). A number of influential sociologists thought that individuality was... minimal? That people were thoroughly shaped or programmed by Society into something that would perpetuate society and Individuality didn't much come into it.

       But most of society leaves me cold. Well; cool. The older I get, the more I see how repetitive, meaningless, animal and unthinking it is. Note my previous post in this blog, where I mention that it’s difficult for me to remember that people actually can be good to each other. So I'm perfectly happy to float through or above it and occasionally observe, be entertained or despair.        But it DOES mean that, having found somebody I think is fascinating and amazing in virtually every dimension, in both actuality and in potential, I...        ... am terrified of fucking up and losing this amazing person who is already so far away and yet so important to my life. Someone I got to know by listening to them and reading their messages to me.         I don't need to be a part of a big group. I'm fine with that. I'm very happy with Quality over Quantity.         ... I haven't felt like I was in love like this for... for more years than I care to count.

My Esteem needs. Well. If you don't give a damn about society, you don't much worry about the opinions of others.

       But This Person chose to talk to me and seems, to at least some degree, to like me. Especially after the way the previous years of my life had gone, this was WONDERFUL.

My Self-actualization needs. Ha.

       I had pretty much nothing else left in my life but my job (which is something embedded in a bureaucratic shitshow ). But getting perked up by liking This Person... I even pull out art pencils like I haven't done in Even More Years Than I Care To Count.

And Self-Transcendence needs.

       Well. This Person is somebody I give a damn about. Studies fields near mine but not actually mine; much more in-depth, fascinating, higher, better. Makes me think more than anybody else I know. Is brighter than anybody else I know; including the self-diagnosed autistic ex-PhD I work with who's convinced (wrongly, self-referentially and both so irritatingly and so meta-irritatingly) that he's the most rational person he knows.

In short... I give a damn about this person. And that Damn-Giving has worked its way pretty thoroughly into my head. It seems like the most wonderful, loveliest thing to have crossed my path in ages.

It also means that anything that can unsettle my hopes is considered kind of catastrophic.

WELL. Except when I feel, once again, that I've fucked it all up and I subside even more deeply into a kind of apathy where I go right back to where I was before, feel like none of it matters and may as well just go on living a grey life one grey at a time.

My day job is to make things settled. Identify problems, fix them. Keep everything on an even keel (if not actually, gasp, *improve* things!). I have been doing that for years. Quite frankly, I'm pretty good at it.

Even when it's not about work, if a friend comes to me with a problem, even if I can't find a solution to suggest, I can at the very least listen and be sympathetic (ha. Too sympathetic?) and at least try making them feel better.

As everyone seems to say: I can fix everybody's problems but my own.

If I lay it all out on the line, if I give This Person the honesty that they deserve I'm terrified that everything, even the entire friendship, will end. I don't have any experience in telling somebody I care about them and would like to be a closer part of their life; getting shot down; and trying to still be friends. I still suspect due to my own emotional weakness, my inability to remain connected but not close to somebody I like so much - that is, my own stupidity - will wreck everything. Because I am simply not a perfect person.

Occasionally I think that if I do lay it all bare, at least I can get the pain over with and start trying to heal up again more quickly. Maybe despair is like plunging into a cold pool or getting that needle jabbed in.

On one hand: dragging it out means that this CHAOS will continue. And it's driving me easily half-nuts to the point of allergy.

On the other hand: it could be either one of the happiest days of my life; or more likely... one of the most miserable days. Of which I've had enough to know I'll come out of it.

Hating every minute of it. But I know I'll survive and go on.

... crap. Put logically like that it makes sense, even if it all goes wrong and fails, to admit it all. Something I would want to travel and do in person.

... just doesn't really seem too appealing, when I think of it in terms of LOSING everything I enjoy / adore / love / want / deserve feeling good about. Even if I’m used to having nothing... I’m sick of it. It would be nice to have that special, beautiful something.