#i just wish i wasn't so tired

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

"i mess up things and then i don't have the energy to fix them up" yes brain true sentence but no brain the appropriate response is NOT "therefore i should kill myself (and here's how)"

#tw suicide #i wish i was joking #i am just so so tired of keeping myself alive! can't someone else do it for a change? or better yet kill me?? #said something to the emergency room psych #she queried it and i confirmed i had said precisely what i intended #she blinked and said 'i usually hear that from jaded forty year olds not twenty year olds' #i won't share what because it was a highly specific explanation of precisely how i might see myself suiciding or how/whether i thought i #could. she asked me and i answered. apparently she wasn't expecting that level of detail and confidence #is it funny to anyone else that i always struggle with confidence but i can confidently tell her specifics about suicide thoughts? #this is reminding me of the fifteen year old yesterday i was conversing with and he randomly started listing all the suicide methods he #could think of and i was internally like you missed a dozen i can think of. didn't say that obvs #i don't know i am. tired. of everything. and i had a long and good conversation with an older woman from church last night (mother of the #boy. i have confided in her before she's great) #she's hte only person irl who now knows about the second suicide attempt (tho she doesn't know it was the second) and she was encouraging m #to see the psych and escalate care #but all day ive been regretting telling the psych or bro or anyone honestly #it would be so much EASIER to have said nothing and gone through with my plan #i wouldn't trust myself not to rn if i had access #i mean. i know multiple ways in this room i could kill myself. but i won't #there's a couple of specific methods that are most of the thoughts usually so they're the specific ones i gotta watch out for more if that #makes sense #ooh gosh im rambling i should shut up xD #personal #puddleglum hours

[scorndotexe]

i've been saying shit like "next time ill try to improve my time management skills" since i was about eight years old maybe we should all just accept that i cannot manage my time well and this is something i simply cannot improve. i'm still gonna keep on writing it in reflections though

#a) im genuinely lazy #b) i have TERRIBLE time management skills #c) i get tired really easily #''no kaz you're not lazy you're just disabled you're doing your best!'' #no sorry i've always been so lazy i'm sorry guys #i'm really terrible at projects. wish i wasn't. maybe then i could create art #oh well! shitty half baked pieces with potential is what we have to do #persimmon's rambles

[sciderman]

i relate to peter parker because i’ve had six crushes this year alone

damn son save some for the rest of us!!

#sci speaks #i think i've only ever had one crush in my life. wilding. i wish i fell in love easier. it feels wonderful. #oh the people with hyperactive hearts... #i wish i had felt this way at some point when i was younger. it kind of felt like my heart wasn't fully developed yet. #holds my heart in my hands. why were you such a late bloomer. why didn't you feel more things earlier on. #i'm kind of sad that i didn't have teenage crushes or anything. i feel like i missed out. #is it because nobody around me was appealing. or is it because i was too busy on my own planet. #i think i wasn't really close with a lot of people when i was younger. i kind of never came out of my shell. #so nobody got close enough to me for me to like them. #not that it's necessarily how it works. but it takes a lot for me to get there with somebody i think. #i think a lot of the relationships i've been in i'm still To This Day not even sure if i actually liked them back in that way. #squeezes my heart in my hand. why are you so fussy. #i wish i had more experiences under my belt. i really do. but also i don't want to be in situations that are uncomfortable either. #and i don't want to just be there for the sake of it. #lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling. i don't know what i want. #is love the answer? #i don't know. sometimes i want it more than anything. but it's such a ball-ache to get. sometimes you think you're better off without it. #i wish i knew what i wanted. i think i just want to be brave enough to find out. #why do i ramble so much in my tags. it's like tumblr is my therapist or something. #i'm feeling weird about myself lately. just kind of a little tired. i don't feel bad. but kind of perpetually low-energy. #like i never have the time to do things that make me happy. and when i do get the time i don't have the energy. #is this what it's like to live in this world. i need like. a year's break from work. i think. #i need like a year-long vacation. i need a gap year. i need a year to live life. #i wonder if it's financially viable. i think i'd eat through everything i have if i did that. but. #you can get money back. you can't get your time back.

[thal-ent]

Feeling bad, elaborating in tags

#vent #i think i'm back in a worse stage of my depression #i was feeling better for a few months but since like... mid to early january i just felt like shit #i dont have the energy for anything and my room is a mess i hate living with people (especially my mom) and i cry over nothing #i feel like i'm going to die again if i stay in that house too long which is fucking ironic because i was the only one who actually likes it #i just want to be fucking happy and live with the people i want to and not feel useless for laying on my bed #i'm so tired and i wish i wasn't like that™

[hauntedwoman]

gonna have to retake french next semester lol my mom is gonna kill meeeeeeeeee hehe

#it's so ridiculous that at my old school i only needed two semesters of foreign language and i wouldve been done by now !!!! #but since i was depressed and couldnt live on campus my mom made me transfer schools when we moved and now im suffering !!! #and she said if i fail im not going back next semester but how does that help me. seriously how does that help me achieve anything. #i'm just so tired and i wish my brain actually worked and i wish that i wasn't such a mess #honestly i hate blaming everything on covid but online classes literally RUINED my work ethic #and now im struggling so hard i just want to quit and lie down maybe i should just drop out

[oncillaphoenix]

it's kind of frustrating that essentially all the advice on tumblr for functioning when your brain's not working properly assumes By Default that your brain's not working properly because of depression.

like. don't get me wrong, i'm glad there's advice for people with depression. and i'm totally capable of going, yeah ok this post isn't meant for me, moving on. but...when you have to do that with every advice post, when everyone around you is promising that everyone will feel better if they can put in the effort to do these things you know will make you feel worse, you start to wonder where the heck the posts that are meant for you are.

#this post brought to you by me considering making a different vent post and stopping for fear that everyone will jump down my throat with #that same 'baby steps! self-care! if you're tired just do a little bit every day and you'll get better at it! take your life into your #own hands!' that everyone here always says. i can't kyle. i have post-exertional malaise #curseposting #salty jungle cat noises #i don't know. maybe i'd be less annoyed about this if i hadn't had to deal with a year and a half of everyone around me telling me to #Just Exercise More And You'll Feel Better when i KNEW that would make it worse. and that one awful speech therapist who was convinced that #just wasn't trying and if i tried harder i wouldn't have brain fog. (he didn't SAY that but he made it very clear anyway.) #and having to On Purpose ignore all the academic advice i was getting because it was actually making it harder for me to succeed in school. #what am i some kind of alien. am i so different to everyone else that all advice ever does more harm than good. what #this is why i have issues with trusting authority #vent #*sigh* man i wish my collection of disorders were less obscure

[sonego]

can i complain about my life again promise you all won't hate me

#(i know everyone already does most likely so i'll do it and just feel bad about it but) #it's not that i don't love my family and i'm not happy to go back home to have dinner w them and all but #god after like 3 hours i'm already exhausted #i feel bad about it but they're just SO exhausting and this house is SO suffocating #i did it i left i did it. why do i still feel trapped #quite literally can't even stomach watching football rn bc i just wanna sit in the dark under my blanket and fucking. idk. cry maybe #and it makes it all so much worse that it's so painfully obvious my mum is tired and probably sad and surely fed up w my father (and my #brother to a lesser extent) #every time i come home i just wanna say sorry. sorry i left you. sorry you're alone. you're not alone but you're alone against the world #and she dismisses my worrying bc ofc she does and i do the same with her worries we've played this dance all our lives #it's just. how do you let someone worry about you when you both know there's nothing you can do to make it better #when you both know the source of the misery and exhaustion is inescapable #god i wish it was. like. i wish this was a movie. where people actually help you in these situations. where there isn't that BIG big big #obstacle that feels wrong to even call an obstacle but it will always forever make it impossible to do anything about the problem #i wish the people who said they'd help gave even half a shit and actually did (it was their fucking job) #going from sad to angry to hopeless to exhausted every 4 seconds i'm so #the thing is i'm not gonna stop coming back home you know? i'm not i can't #i don't even want to #but i wish it wasn't so fucking soul crushing every time bc i don't wanna keep having tiring tiring weeks #and then go back home on weekends and feel the opposite of rested #ok. i should shut up. sorry. i really don't know why i'm even alive atm #delete later #i never remember to delete these (when i remember to tag them in the first place)

[damiemontclair]

Is it ridiculous to think maybe this whole hospital thing and related business has mildly traumatised me? Is it ridiculous that I want to write about it in excruciating detail, just get the experience out on paper, on my blog, somewhere? It feels dumb but I want to write fic about it. I think it'd fix me.

#Still haven't really properly cried tho I am kinda tearing up as I write this #I'm not having a good mental health time rn ngl #The callous way some of the docs treated me; the way their sole focus was on reproduction without a single care for the hormones... #The generally terrible way I deal with surgery/post-surgery #It wasn't. As bad? The last few times? #I think I've also made myself forget a lot from the first 2 times #3rd time was more traumatising. #This last one tho... I never stayed for more than a night at the hospital. I never want to stay at a hospital ever again. #I never want to have surgery again #I swear if I have to do that again I will have my panic attack before they even put me under #It was so painful this time and people weren't listening to me at all when I told them the iv wasn't sitting right anymore #Nurses and doctors kept dismissing my opinions and wishes and needs.... #It was like as a patient you're less than human. #My arm is still bruised from where they fucked up their blood draws... #I'm so tired but I can't seem to rest #I'm so full of emotions but I can't seem to let them go and *cry* #Its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop #Pls ignore me amd my rambles I'm just. Not doing too hot rn. #damie talks

[daisies-on-a-cup]

tbh i like artemis from the young justice tv show so much because she was a mixed asian girl who didn't really look asian. that could be blamed on just how the show's animation style looked, but her sister jade looked way more like their mother than artemis did, who resembled her white father very much. i saw myself in her, someone disconnected from her mother in phenotype and culture. the genetics are there, but one has shown through dominant and the environment has raised her away from any kind of asian influence or culture that might have been hers. it was so important to me, and still is, that i got to have her as a character i could look up to because even though her asian heritage is hardly ever spoken of and isn't a plot line integral to her character in the show, it still mattered and made artemis more than whatever biases or standards were placed on her from looks alone. we can talk about how her mother was represented in the show, and how her sister jade subsequently fell to the same fate, and how neither of their stories or heritage matters a lick to anyone except to the characters themselves, but i just want it to be known how important a mixed girl like artemis was to me

#ive struggled with being mixed ever since i can remember #ppl dont look at me and immediately clock me as having asian heritage- often the first thought is native or hispanic #ive felt so separated from this entire side of myself for as long as ive been alive- esp since my own mother wont engage with it #we have no traditions beyond american marketing #we have no true heritage or family origins to speak of #i have virtually nothing to cling to solidify this part of me beyond the phenotype of my mother and the thin film that covers my own #so artemis was so important to me as a kid- seeing that kind of representation (even if unintentionally done) did sm for me as a kid #also sorry this is coming out of no where i am tired and surrounded by my fathers family #who i look nothing alike #and how this morning a white man drove me and my mother to the airport and he said 'ive driven you before! to the Philippines right?' #and my mom had to gently laugh and say that she wasn't Filipino and theyve never met before #its just things like that that make me wish for stronger connections that extend beyond the inherited genetics #artemis crock

[the-yearning-astronaut]

.

#tbd #☉ #lemme start by prefacing this with I KNOW there's no real normal way to be human #ok i get that #but fucking HELL I wish i was normal #i wish my health was normal for my age #i wish i wasn't fucking. neurodivergent #im fine with being queer but ffs why am i in between normal queer and accepted Aroace-ness #why am i abnormal in that regard too #i wish I didn't alienate people i wish i didn't have to explain why im extra quiet and moody and minutes from a meltdown #i wish my hands and feet wouldn't swell up and hurt and burn and I wish i could take a fucking shower without feeling dread #because i had the water temp set to hot and now im dizzy and my heart is racing and im overheating -- alternatively I wish #i didn't feel so self conscious because i DONT shower every day or even every other day like i dont like when my hair goes limp either! #and i use deodorant everyday and wipe off when i can but i have fuckin Let's Sweat Buckets For No Reason Disorder so i always look and feel #like a drowned rat. im tired of being tired but not being able to sleep. im tired of not being able to explain that yes its really not you #its me. me wanting to be alone has nothing to do with you ok its my brain deciding to fuckin shut down because everything is too much rn #& idk how to tell you that im at my wits end but if you treat me with kidd gloves i WILL go off like a fuckin bomb. just treat me NORMAL ffs #just treat me normal 😭 i just want to be normal. i want to be able to sit down and just do my application stuff instead of #staring at a blank document for weeks and then wanting to throw things as the deadline approaches ( #its due friday and i have absolutely nothing written lmao) and idk if its executive dysfunction or anxiety or my tendancey to self sabotage #but either way im so fuckin fucked. im NOT in the headspace rn for writing a graduate school application letter. #trying hard not to cry rn bcs my friend and her parents are sleeping already bcs they have a 9-5 sleeping schedule to fit their 9-5 jobs #like i dont even have a normal sleeping schedule lmao mine's 2-10. i just don't understand why im so broken or whatever. not normal. #& i feel bad for bitching about it all bcs objectively i have a pretty decent life. i have a home i have food i have a family that loves me #im just back to feeling like im too much and also not enough and im so fuckin lonely. im tired of feeling lonely. and i think #ive got a platonic crush or two. or something. and idk how to handle that anymore. if i ever did. #idk idk i feel like im back to looking at the world and passersby through frosted glass again.

[alligaytorswamp]

Im kind of feeling like i can't take it anymore

#vent #bad sad sleep-deprived and mentally ill #i am currently crying myself to sleep just fucking sobbing because everything hurts #my brain is failing me my body us failing me #i dont know what to do with myself #so many things are happening so many things hurt and i have no body to talk to #i have never felt so utterly alone #i hate myself for even writing this because i feel so pathetic and as if im just whining for attention #because i probably am #some lame ass cry for help because i really don't know how to function at this point #truly i am just so fucking alone #and there is just so much that is happening and i cant share it with anyone so it just all stays in my stupid brain and #probably makes me more mentally ill or smth #and for however long all i do is keep myself from crying during the day bc i cant let my family catch me having mental breakdowns #yet i have all of these painful thoughts that are plaguing my mind all the fucking time #i am just so so tired #and i keep thinking about death and it's so fucking scary #i just wish i wasn't myself and i had a different brain i could be better than this because maybe then i would be fine #at home im in toxic hell #in online spaces i have no one actually close to me #in my brain i have horrible thoughts and hardcore daydreaming distactions that dont fix anything #in my course i think im not doing well enough and im scare dthat my the end of it im still going to be a useless unemployed moron #on my silly blog i think if i dont make content i have no value and ehatever i make is not even that good or interesting #so i better cover it up with quantity but i dont have time or ability to do so #which again makes me into a fucking Nothing #god my head hurts so much #that's what u get for wailing at 4 am #anyways i am doing horrible and i can't take it anymore truly reaching my fucking limit #all my fault tho so ☺ #delete later and if someone actually reads it Um sorry for this i am hashtag unwell 😋💫

[velvetcloxds]

just me and my alarmingly specific comfort playlists against the world

#people suck #and work is hard #and I still feel sick #and I'm so tired #and I wish my dad didn't exist #and I wish my brain wasn't so screwed up #and setting boundaries is hard #and talking to people is so scary #and mirrors are such bastards #and I am already tired of this life thing and I'm just starting #and I keep posting different stuff on here and it feels like no one who follows me is interested #and I overthink everything #and everything feels blah #BUT YAYY PLAYLISTS

[fluffypotatey]

I know it's a ""family show"" and all so there isn't really any swearing beyond a rare "damn" or "hell" but you just KNOW that Arthur probably doesn't actually swear that much bc the whole aristocratic bid is never saying directly what you mean, it's all backhanded 'compliments' and insinuations, and of course vulgarity would be considered crude and common. And then there's Merlin, scrappiest little motherfucker in the five kingdoms, who grew up a bastard-born peasant and probably knows every curse word and insult in Albion, and has even made up a few new ones for special occasions.

What I'm getting at here is Merlin just going the fuck off on some rude drunk in a tavern on one of their "pretending to be normal people" trips and Arthur being absolutely Shooketh as all his rich bitch genteel upbringing recoils in trained horror, but also a little amused and impressed. He didn't even know half the words Merlin used.

Arthur, still a little shook: Didn't your mother ever tell you it's impolite to use that sort of language?

Merlin, deeply amused at Arthur's discomfort: My mother is the one who taught me that sort of language.

hunith and merlin had a swear jar at home i accept no criticism

#of course it was there in 'moment of truth' it just wasn't important to the story yet #wish i could add more but i'm v tired so yeah #bbc merlin #hunith #she's the best #arthur pendragon #merlin #merlin emrys #headcanons #asks

[tvrningout]

sometimes i think about moving all my dorverold stuff and muses to a separate blog bc there's so much and it's just gonna keep growing, but then i worry that i'm gonna neglect either chiyo or my dorverold muses bc i am notoriously bad at managing more than one blog

#sometimes i think about giving chiyo just her own separate space bc i love her to pieces and she really does occupy my brain so often #but in the past if i made a separate blog then one of the two blogs ended up dying #i wish that wasn't the case but :' ) #i mean the fantasy brainrot is pretty strong too so maybe it would be different this time but i dunno #just a thought #also i'm so sleepy y'all #i messaged two people back pls be proud of me and don't be mad if i play death stranding instead of writing asdfg #i have excitement and thoughts but i am so so tired now that i've had time to just relax #i've been going all day and i'm eepy as heck bc of it #get ready to ramble | ooc

[chaoticrobotics]

will security alert ever come back? I just found it and i love the story. i hope it comes back :(

I didn't want to say anything because I really don't want people pressuring me (don't worry about your ask being seen as pressure, you are one of the nicer people to ask when it's coming back unlike a lot of people on tiktok), but I was going to TRY and just get through it and finish the damn story.

Unfortunately, right now I have no way to draw digitally. I am having a new tablet being shipped so whenever that gets here I will have to get used to it before getting into anything big.

So that being said... There is a very SMALL possibility that I am going to continue Security Alert. I am definitely abandoning all the other small comics I was doing, and honestly I wish I had done that sooner and maybe I would have finished Security Alert in the first place, but I didn't so I just severely burnt myself out and needed to just stop for a while on the comic.

So again. There are no definite promises that it is coming back. But I do want to finish the story. You might be able to tell though that I am not all that excited to do so in my tone.

Personally, I really do want to finish the story, because it is fun to think about the story itself, but thinking about actually sitting down and drawing the story, for a lot of people who weren't even appreciating the work I put into the story and just wanted the next part (again, not you specifically, but a lot of other people on other sites) just makes me feel sick and hateful to the comic and the game/media in general.

Literally the DLC came out and barely revived any of my love I used to have for this whole thing. The only thing it did do was reinforce my love for the Mini Music Men lol (I do wish we saw DJ Music Man in the DLC, that would have been cool).

So yeah. I am going to TRY and get through the story. The style is definitely going to be different and I might do smaller parts as well, but it's going to still be a while until I am going to do so since, like I said, I physically can't draw digitally right now. I also want to try and actually get a bunch of pages done before releasing new content so that I am not feeling as pressured to actually rush myself.

I was going to try and do all of this without saying anything to just surprise people while also not disappoint people if I never actually go through with continuing, but enough people have been following me and asking recently (most likely because of the DLC) that I am just gonna say this.

So if you came here for content, just be patient I guess. I do have the whole story planned out since before I stopped making content, and I am not changing anything because of the DLC, so some things aren't going to line up with the DLC, but I honestly don't care anymore and just want to get this story done so I can get this weight off my shoulders whenever I think about this comic.

Thanks for reading this far if you did. I'll do my best to get the comic up and running again, but again, like I said multiple times, don't get your hopes up too high. It will be a bit until I can get going again, and this time I am going to take my sweet ass time with this comic so I don't end up absolutely hating this comics and franchise by the end of it. Hang in there and hopefully I can finish this. I am one person doing this for free, so let's all hope I keep my motivation this time and actually get to the end of this story (pretty sure at this point in the story we are like 1/3 or half-way done, so if I can go with my original place then there should be quite a bit more content for me to make).

#chaostalks #noart #asks #if i sound rude or upset #i'm not trying to be #so please don't take it personally #i am just sick and tired of this comic #wish i never started it #it wasn't even supposed to be a comic in the first place #it was supposed to be a funny mini comic #and then i would have just made illustrations #and mini comics #it was NEVER supposed to be this big #none of my comics were #but this is the price i pay #by letting people peer pressure me into making a story #people on tiktok asked for a part two #and because of that you all got this story #and i lost a loved interest of mine

[heart-bones]

I went to bed when I got home and why have I not learned that it is a mistake 🙃 and I should never do that

#i am miserable #(you know just the usual crushing weight of being alive) #(constantly teetering between being apathetic about being fat and wishing so much that i wasn't) #pulled between the familiar agony of 'it's just how my body is #it won't change' and the un-navigated agonies of trying to change it #i am so tired!!! of feeling Invisible and Hypervisible at the same time #anyway i probably make this exact same post w similar tag venting every four months so thanks for hanging in there 🫠