#i just... i dont want to have to hold myself back

[scekrex]

TW(If you dont want to do it it's completely fine)

Can you do a adam x male reader where the reader is depressed because his life when he was living was shit and he thought it would be better but it still haunts him, and he starts to date adam and a few months into dating Adam saw reader SH and gets all sad but becomes more protective of reader and explains to reader how much he loves him and he bandages reader and they cuddle together(I love your writing BTW, you don't have to do this if you think it's shit)

I absolutely do not think it's shit, I hope I did it justice - as a person who suffers from depression myself this kinda is/was my view on the world. Really hope it's to your liking :3

Burning, I feel it too

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language, hurt/angst, suicidal thoughts, self harm

note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers

With him around, heaven seemed brighter. With him around your past life felt less heavy, the burdens you carried were easier to lift and he seemed to bring a reason to all of existence.

But when Adam wasn’t around for a couple hours, the world turned dark again, like he was purposely taking all the bright colors and the joyful emotions with him when he left. The burdens turned insanely heavy again, unable for you to lift, let alone carry on your shoulders and every reason that caused you to take step after step was gone. Adam knew your life had been a dark pit of hopelessness and tiredness. There had been nothing that held you, what was holding you now? A single person and that person wasn’t even yourself how it should have been. It was Adam.

Heaven, the paradise of afterlife that everybody dreamed of, not you though. You just wanted to rest, not continue to suffer above earth in another world. You wanted peace and quiet, eternal rest. But that had been denied, not only by God, but also by Adam. The first man was worried about you and while others thought of it as cute, you felt like a burden to him by making him worry so much. He cared, that you were aware of, he let you not only hear you about it, no, he also showed you that he cared about you. And that caused the clouds that covered your view to lift temporarily. But once Adam left - even if it was just the room - the clouds came back, painting the worlds in black, white and gray again until he came back.

Extermination days were the worst, not only was your partner gone the entire day, no, he was also at risk of getting injured, maybe even killed. Who was there to promise you that Adam would make it out alive? And what would you do if Adam wouldn’t make it out? If Lute would come back alone, nothing but his halo in her hand that she would hand over to you as proof. Would it hurt? Would it hurt worse than the pain you inflict on yourself?

You flicked the lighter on and for a short moment you watched the flame dance in front of your eyes, then you moved the lighter close to your thigh until the flame licked on your skin, the burn that followed felt save, it felt like coming home after a long trip, it welcomed you with open arms and you were so used to it that you closed your eyes and enjoy the silence the pain brought. That was a thing you had missed so much, the silence in your mind that pain brought with it whenever you invited it to visit you. You had been so lost in the quietness that you hadn’t heard the door to the bedroom slamming open. Your eyes cracked open when the lighter was harshly ripped from your trembling fingers, the usually so calming voice of your boyfriend was now the reason for you to flinch away from his body, “What the fuck are you doing?” He sounded mad and you hated the way anger made his voice sound. Why was Adam back already? Was it already that late, had you lost track of time again? Did it even matter if he was back earlier?

Paralyzed you watched as he pulled you off the bed, you weren’t reacting to his words at all, not because you didn’t want to, but because you found yourself unable to. The brunette pushed you flush against his body, you felt the soft golden feathers that wrapped around your nude body to shield you and just like before, there was silence in your head - not because of any pain, but because of Adam. Adam, who had returned the colors to your world, Adam, who was drowning you with his body warmth. “I don’t want to fucking lose you,” he mumbled against your head as he buried his face in your hair. He spun the both of you around slowly, then he let himself fall backwards onto the soft mattress of your shared bed, pulling you with him. “You can’t fucking leave me too, I- for fucks sake Y/N, you can’t fucking-” he interrupted himself and it was only then that you felt the salty tears that were streaming down his cheeks. “I don’t fucking want you to-” he tried again but failed yet again, a sob fell from his lips and you couldn’t help but hate your self for making him feel that way. Adam deserved better, you had tried to explain that to him ever since the both of you had started dating. Yet the brunette had always disagreed. “Please,” he whispered and his voice sounded so unusually broken it tore you apart from the inside. You hated the way it voice was able to sound so unstable, so broken, so sad. You hated that you had caused Adam to feel that way within seconds. “I fucking love you, Y/N,” he mumbled, clearly out of words. You knew he wanted to scream and yell, that he wanted answers. And he knew screaming and yelling would only push you further away from him and that you’d give him answers once you were ready to. So he bit back all the questions he wanted to ask you, all the things he wanted to get off his chest and placed a soft kiss on your head instead. “I’m sorry for being such a mess,” you whispered quietly and maybe, secretly, you hoped it had been too quiet for him to hear. But it hadn’t been, “You’re not, babes, you’ll never fucking be.” But the both of you knew that wasn’t true, that he was lying. You were not only ruining your own mental health but also his. It was only a matter of time until Adam would either drop you or fall into the same hole you were already sitting in.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel adam #adam x male reader #male reader #adam x y/n #adam x reader #adam x you

[lesfir]

From "Triumph of Evil" analysis, I would like to pay attention to the final part.

BG3 Epilogue. Original God Gale. Lord Astarion.

Astarion: You can't be serious. You miss being weak? Falling ill? Ageing? devnote. NodeContext: Slight stress on 'aging' Astarion: We can be honest with each other, Gale - one immortal being to another: this is great. devnote. NodeContext: "this is great" as if confiding a secret.

"That's great" - developer: "as if confiding a secret". If AA here is unhappy inside and not honest with himself, then the developer about the "Confiding a secret" can't lie. It can be twisted that it's just for acting, whispered, for voice expression. I dont think so. Honest with each other -> that's great -> developer: as if confiding a secret.

A Secret is a truthful thing inside a person, if it is confiding all the more.

The ghost of grief, guilt and lost happiness in AAstarion's eyes in animation at 00.1 seconds and kinda stuff breaks down, of course, not just on this kind of note. But it became a special moment for me.

About the notes and context of the author Astarion, Stephen Rooney says this: When we're writing the lines there was little contexts and kind of places you could enter context so I could say just a little bit of anger on this line, little bit sadness, this is what you’re thinking about. It’s kind of like passing notes in class. (Interview: Stephen Rooney | Idle Insights | Idle Champions | D&D. 24:44 The question starts at 23:06) Next. Entering Good Ending territory. Disclaimer: I am very not close to the idea of this path, so it's partly a criticism, I guess. If power, hedonism and decadence that feel great to be with - look like chains when it's all gone. When there's no way to get the throne, you tell yourself you'd cut yourself on it and bring bad things - that's my personal interpretation. The kind of "chains" Astarion would have gotten 200 years ago, perfect Kusarigama for anyone who wants to make him a slave. It's a sad fact that adds a complex moral. This path that has been stained with blood and evil, not everyone is willing to go, it's not always necessary, it's fine without it too and be happy - but if you reach it, as it turns out, someone don't cut yourself, and feel great.

Like a quite corrupt person, a narcissist. who is Astarion

I kind of don't call myself the "make him worse" team, he's already awful enough from the start, I don't even have to try, I just agree. Maybe what makes him worse now is the final belief in an evil worldview, he was already expressing agreement at evil answers so... point in an evil fairy tale well sort of.

This dark line of development can be seen from a whole analysis. This volcano of dark desires Astarion was always on the horizon.

Don't care about others, the world, or the consequences. Do whatever you want without holding back with full protection and autonomy, even if horrible things or good things, whatever pleases you - your personality and your choice. Literally evil success. When I talk about "evil" in regards to Astarion, I always mean an attractive and complex evil that is very important to him as a character, as a whole. And since Astarion's evil flourishes in the Evil Ending, all the more so in this one. Here about it.

#astarion #ascended astarion #lord astarion #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 #astarion bg3 #bg3 astarion #bg3 evil run #Bg3 Evil Path

[idolomantises]

there's something so comforting about artists you admire talking about their own struggles and insecurities

#txt #was watching supereyepatchwolf's video on chainsaw man again and listening to fujimoto express regret about things he didnt learn #and how he's clearly envious of his peers is so... comforting? #i think about my own strengths and flaws and often times i get so frustrated with my shortcomings #im not good at drawing feet; my backgrounds are purposefully simplistic and lack a lot of detail; sometimes my designs have a tendency to #overlap or feel very 'safe' in terms of what i really want to do #its why; despite my love for clowning on media and animated works. i never want to feel like its from a place of malice #the joy of art is always seeing those little mistakes and nuances. its also noticing the achievements other creators have made that you #still lack #even for a certain hell-based show i love to poke fun at for its many. many issues. its undeniable how incredibly passionate the work is. #and i do respect anyone who is willing to get their flawed media out there (myself included) #i see stuff about people calling me their inspo or how flattered they are when i compliment their work and its like. gee. i hold myself at #such a high bar and even still im always surprise when people tell me how much my work moved and changed them #i really love writing just little fun things that i just dont really see anyone else touching and its kind of fun how despite my own #personal grievances with my own flaws and mistakes #people really do find things that they love within them. #anyways I know this is getting long but I’ve just been getting sentimental abt the creation of art #sometimes people make fun of me for love of drawing women and lesbians and bugs and so on #and while I will never let me deter me from my process. sometimes it does get to me #but then I remember that I love doing this and could ever see myself holding back #and knowing despite how other people feel. I have so many followers who resonate with my weird ass shit #that it’s all worth it. ya know?

[just-your-average-tangerine]

I'm making a full post about this because I think it's important. I've reblogged other posts on this topic, but this is my own experience because trans man apparently can't be artists without our own communities ripping us apart for it.

I'm mainly an actor, but I do music on the side. I've been in 5 stage productions, a commercial, and a short film. For music, I've done a few gigs at charity events, won a community talent competition, and made some money on the side as a street performer. So I feel decently confident in saying that I'm fairly good at what I do.

When I talk to other trans people about my desire to build a resume that doesn't out me as a trans, and to market myself as a gay actor and not a trans one, I'm called a traitor to the community. And told that I'm depriving trans kids of a role model. Nevermind the cis queer people who think I'm stealing roles from 'real' gay men.

What they don't understand is that work for trans men does not exist. The modern professional canon of dramatic work does not include a single trans man. Not one. I cannot work as a trans man. The best I can hope for is what I've been getting the last year and a half, small background characters whose gender doesn't matter.

When I won the community talent competition for my music, I was told afterward that it was a shame that I won because "the last thing the queer community should be celebrating is another guy with an acoustic guitar". Several people in the trans social group I started attending agreed with that sentiment, telling me to stop playing altogether and saying "the world doesn't need anymore straight men with acoustic guitars". (Side note: I'm gay and explained that but the consensus of the people there was that trans men can't be gay because we're still 'female' (side note to the side note: all of the other people in this group were trans women lesbians and did not see the irony in that)).

I dont understand how other queer people can contribute to this without realizing the harm. I would ask how trans masc artists are supposed to want to keep creating their art but I think that's the point.

#transandrophobia #transmisandry #its just hard you know #i havent been able to work consistently #between transphobia within the industry #and my ex roommate making things difficult while i was living with him #and then having to completely take a step back and put my career on hold #and now im trying to plan for the future #and i dont know if its worth it #i know im not going to be happy doing anything else #ive tried #but im an actor and thats where i need to be #but is it really worth it to force myself into something where im clearly not wanted? #op

[sebek-zigbolt]

I don't think I'm strong enough not to pull for bday sebek even tho I want to save for ch 7 cards...... bcause yea........

#text #i remember when I first got the game I had a wishlist w my faves and like #i realised how bad the chances are and yeeted it #halloween vil? in this economy? #masquerade or groom idia? HAH #wasted like half a pity in portfest and harveston each #n then decided NOPE ur either silsebe or u get NOTHING #n then general lilia and rollo cards dropped but IRRELEVANT! #I NEED SB TO HOLD ME BACK I LOVE BLOOM SEBEK SM #AND I JUST.. WANT THE OTHER 2 BCAUSE ITS SEBEK!!!!! TALKING ABT HIS FAM N SILVER N AUGH #but like ok consider. My luck is... questionable. I want to have a Full guarantee saved for the cards i want. Problem is.. including the #ones that havent been released yet but we know will happen soon ish(AND EXCLUDING bdays)... thats..... #like 7-9 cards.... #so 1400-1800 pulls... #gaslighting myself into believing i dont want em but it doesnt work bcause i already DO THAT W MOST CARDS I WANT #deuce event cards... sniffle sob #i NEEED diasofam ch 7 AND rollo ok #NEED em #and equestrian club... personal attack... theres a chance they will suck n not even have horses so that would save me but also would b sad #gacha rambles #thats y u should enjoy this game as utube fan translations and nothing else

[seariii]

*getting out of bed stumbling* let's send the last couple gifts... (< Can barely open her eyes)

Also... I always forget how pretty it feels to gift things to others... Some have big reactions, some have smaller ones, but... Most of the time you get to see them happy, a small smile, a warm feeling.... That's beautiful... So beautiful

And Im still not used to the receiving gifts jajajaja and it's... So pretty... It's such a warm and gentle feeling but so so strong... "This was made for me, thinking about me" "this was chosen for me".... I'm... Heh...

Giving and receiving gifts is always so beautiful.... This is why I love Christmas, Valentine's, birthdays.... I'd love to actually bake everyone brownies... To give them little cards...

Also valentine's is so pretty because it's all about love! And at least where I live is literally called The Love and Friendship Day!!!! So I've always seen valentine's as a good day to show appreciation for friends ... *Happy sigh* I love Love

Jijiji as I was writing the notes, my brother knocked on my door and gave me a small cinnamoroll notepad and it's so cute... Such a cute day

Alr, now let's send those gifts

#OMG AS I WAS WRITING THIS I GOT A CALL FOR THE RANDOM EVENT THAT I NAMED ON MY SOFTWARE UPDATE #DUDE I JUST WOKE UP LMAO SO that was good because i was chill and didnt expect kt and im too sleepy to process stuff #but like was also really good because yesterday i wrote down everything i needed for this call #lets go #okay okay im done YAYYAYYAY #... the day i fall in love im gonna need someone to hold me back JAJAJAJAJAJA as to not spend everything in gifts #honestly... today does make me think about romantic love... and i do hope to experience the beauty of it some day #i dont feel like i need to rush it and im honestly a little scared because i dont see myself with someone on the future #(< wants to get married and have a family) #but... i dont feel like i should worry about it yet.... i dont know how all that works but im sure the right person will some day appear #seari talks

[droodlebug]

i think most people need to expand their idea of art so dipshits can stop saying ai art is actually good for physically disabled people who cant do art. what do you mean when you say art? can we ask that question? if you say that word and all you mean is a pretty portrait or an oil painting, then you need to open yourself up.

art at a base level is just something you made with some kind of strong emotion – some kind of passion – behind it. yes a hyper rendered portrait can still be art. a sketchy pen drawing is art. a mess of colors making shapes on a canvas is art. painting a huge canvas in paintstakingly light layers of a single color so that the end result is perfectly smooth is art.

a song on the speakers in a store is art. an underground indie song you love is art. singing a single sentence song with small children is art. voice acting is art. beading is art. jewlery is art. decorating your home is art. making a house or a person in the sims is art. making dumb ass tiktoks can be art. stuffed animals are art. resin crafting is art. sculpting is art. making little dioramas is art. collecting and cleaning dolls and figures is art. meticulously organizing your desktop and phone layouts is art. getting bored and spraypainting a shelf a new color is art. writing about your favorite show, whether theories or as a fanfiction, is art.

technology is art. engineering is art. architecture is art. science is art. sewing, modding, dress up games, hoke renovations, dancing, singing, fingerpainting, cooking, cross stitching, baking, making a blog or an essay about something you love, or hate, cmor care about, dearly, rearranging store shelves, crochet, making people laugh, icing a box mix cake, the way scientists talk about their field, literary analysis, printing shirts, personalizing your car, sex work, editing a picture to print, scrapbooking, getting really into planners, putting stickers on your things. its all art

when i say ai art isnt art, and it isnt a good tool for disabled people to make art. im not saying you have to be like me, who is physically disabled, and fingerpaint or that you have to learn to paint and draw with your mouth or toes or whatever. i mean art is something you are passionate about, and you need to find the kind of art that speaks to you and lets you express yourself. if that means you push your disabled (or abled) body to draw portraits of people like yours truly, then thats wonderful. if that just is not your art, thats wonderful too. theres so much out there to try.

you dont have to limit yourself to the first kind of art that pops in your head when you hear the word. and always remember. it doesnt have to be good or marketable. it just has to be yours

#idk im just thinking about some notes i saw on an ai post #about another disabled person saying something like..m well i shouldnt have to learn how to paint with my teeth to make art #and i agree. but thats not an excuse to take advantage of a skeevy ai program dubiously using art posted online. #it just means you need to find your outlet. if you arent willing to find your workaround to paint then dont paint. find other art #its okay to be dissappointed about that. its not okay to choose to let that hurt other people #its okay to yearn for something you cant do. im shit at any kind of fiber art and it hurts my physically and i wish it wasnt like that #but i do just have to accept its not the avenue for me and that is okay #conversely it does cause my pain to sit up and paint and i cant always hold a brush without pain and using needles bends back my fingers #but its what i need to do to express myself. so i keep working witg it and finding ways to make it accessible to me #im just not willing to do that with crochet or knitting #if you arent willing to find ways to do it. then it is worth thinking about if its something you need and really want to do. or if its just #a nice idea and something that would be cool.

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out) #we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

[cervideity]

Are there any FS manga ideas you've had which you haven't really seen anywhere but wish were more common?

RUBS MY HANDS. ok so bc i havent been here that long i havent really seen even a fraction of all the fan content for this thing (although i comb through oldER threads, fanworks, and deviantart fairly often) so i cant say anything on it not existing... plus this is pretty basic

but onw of my fav concepts i dont see utilized too often is pairing off two of the 4/maybe5 guys and putting them in a damn situation by themselves. most of the time , at least the fancontent I see has them all together, by themselves, or paired off like they were in the manga. which is FINE. maybe im just geared different. but what better way to enjoy their characters like its new. what better way to analyze . fuck you scoops up red and vio puts them in the Labrynth with devious creatures. .yaknow?

just for you anon N9BODY ELSE LOOK !! /joke. some very * rushed in the fervour of inspiration * [badly drawn] concepts for a green n shadow dungeon

#i once read a pretty good fic about blue and vio getting separated from the others in a dungeon and they had to fight a dark link. good shit #fandoms so small the person who wrote that may be reading this post.. hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii if so. #hope the she/her shadow doesnt bother ya because it shall CONTINUE TO HAPPEN !!!!!!!!!!! #hashtag girl /ref #i may be a hypocrite bc i dont put out as many of those situations as other just. various drawings. i think but . yeag. usually if i have a #truely Unique n singular thought i try to draw it and then i leave it. or else. the creative flow. desolate. #OH FUCK YOU MAY BE TALKING ABT INTERPS.... IF SO. UH. idk. #pretty adamant on my “vio talking abt being a hero when he betrays shadow is an indication of the inverse'' interp. thats why my first post #of em is named heroic nature. bc its Actually talking about shadow #smiles deviously #also you can ask me to elaborate on any of these anon ... if u want.... believe it or not this is me holding myself back

[ruinikaido]

i wish i was as social i make myself out to be irl, more social than the average awkward inept tumblr user is still not social enough

#anddddd i want people to like me a lot more #and i want to take care of my appearance more and not go in the same four bland legging-sweater outfits to school #wouldnt hurt to have a stable friendgroup and not be thrown around by the same couple of people 60% of whom i do not care about like that #would be nice if i was allowed to hang out in my old friend group and have them actually care when they never did also #i talk to everyone in my grade but because i do no one caresssssssssssss #well im going to uni next year i can fix all of this ^_^ #i dont like feeling people lose interest in me and feeling myself lose interest too im boredddddddddddddddddddd #(massively insecure) #extremely rude to say this but the majority of people i am currently in contact with irl to some degree annoy me if youre on here not you #btw i love you and i just mald over like #seeing other people i want to be friends with but cant get out to #i should be and im made to be more popular so whats holding me back #ughhhhh i feel empty ever since something!

[stamplerfag]

im gonna answer the other ask later but TRANSFEM SCARY I WAS. ALSO THINKING HBBBGNN

#willy goes both ways abt such things bcus. one he is a misogynist and a homophobe or at least was on earth. obviously #and he still holds you know that. hypermasculine toxic mindset as of s1 based on the uhhh #“overly feminine namby pamby” whatever he says #(kicking myself for not having it memorized) #but i assume that he encountered more variable things in the forgotten realms that may have made him more normal abt. gender variance there #god okay i. hes not. he has an opinion of “you can be a freak if you want whatever. ill play pretend with you. ill tolerate it.” #i really like transmasc ron for similar reasons.. of.... especially when they meet in the cabin where hes cooking fish #and willys like “thats right get some bass in your voice boy !!” #like i know its just regular like. ron isnt masculine enough. but it reads very sarcastic.... #“get some bass in your voice” like . you wanna be a boy so bad okay. ill humor you. hahahah. man up then. #um but transfem scary i like a similar. thing. of.... tolerating her being a girl and playing along but always being. #kind of chiding about it. #im so worried were not on the same pagw #which is fine obviously but i get so shy abt when. someone offers me headcanons that i dont agree with and i have to be like #“hahaha yeah whatever you say” like i cant say anything back cus its Wrong to me. BUT. #god though yeah her. visibly being hard around him & its both deeply sort of gross but very flattering to him like. i can work with this... #i think of him as a. opportunist. hes not into cock & not into kids really. dwindling upwards of teen girls but eh. #so when a cute troubled teen girl is literally. offering herself up to you at your feet man its like. why would i say no !! ♡ #hes more into taking advantage of her than any of her personal details you know. like her as a person doesnt really. matter. who cares #shes available and stupid and looking to him for advice and validation. #sorry again i havent LISTENED TO ANY OF THIS. I CAN BE WRONG #didnt anthony make the joke abt willy not being brave enough to try pegging. maybe this is his chance #who said that. who. said that #you really want to manipulate a teen girl then you humble yourself and suck her cock and shes yours forever. #im crazy. im crazy #.dxt #scary

[frecklystars]

god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!

there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;

#I’m gonna wear pink glitter in my hair too for opening night #woof #like i know im gonna be rly tense but i have been doing SO much better than i was just a month ago #if anything ill just be incredibly tense at first. but i genuinely think ill relax more as the movie progresses #bc ive been using grounding techniques for months and ive been working so goddamn hard to reclaim pink #WHICH IS SUCH HUGE PROGRESS FOR ME to think back to january when i couldnt look at pink at ALL #and i think seeing pink literally every single second for 2 hours straight in the barbie movie #is gonna also help my brain be like 'oh hey everything is fine' help it to become desensitized #bc ive been doing exposure therapy and im doing so much better than i was even just one month ago!!!!!!! #barbie is my girlfriend. and ken is my boyfriend. and i have two hands they can hold #god!!! you know how many barbies im gonna kiss!!!!! SO MANY #this is MY movie i have been so fucking excited to see!! its my number one favorite thing ive been looking forward to!!!! #i have wanted to see this! so! fucking! badly! and fuck anybody who tried to ruin that for me #i dont want ptsd to control my life #i feel like im riding a bull and gripping it by the horns while its trying to kick me off while im yelling Not Today Bitch #thats what trying to reclaim triggers feels like #but i can fucking feel it working i can feel myself getting better with some of these triggers i cant believe it #and i think just a year from now most of these triggers wont be severe anymore #which is my goal. i dont even need them to be cured completely i just want to function normally #cannot tell u how fucking unreal it is to have so many triggers that are like. normal everyday stuff #colors. clothes. phrases. transformers. im taking ALL of that shit back #STARTING WITH PINK ONE OF MY FAVORITE GODDAMN COLORS 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 #THE EMOJI LOOKS RED ON DESKTOP BUT THAT IS OKAY.

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D

me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening

#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in #like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying #i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty #it #like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night #am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired #or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once??? #idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop #id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem #because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines #so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping #but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real #and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE #i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters #actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists #and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the #7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant #fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get #knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am #and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be #doing them at all #like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding #schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters #delete later

[princealberich]

HrrrRRm (minecraft villager noise)

#zchat #hi i wanted to Delve into my thoughts on smth without it being an actual post #so tags it is #(this isnt a vent or anything its moreso just a little retrospective Thinking) #friends being playfully mean to each other is great and cool and i defs do it but Also #i think it goes too far sometimes #and loathe be me to like...idk. i dont ever wanna ASK people to stop #bc if thats how they express friendship then i dont wanna make them uncomfortable or be a bother #but it Definitely affects my self perception #i do see myself as kind of a punching bag and isolated and stuff bc of it #and half of that is my own fault for. uh. hm. idk why. but i know it IS for playing into the role #but delving further into THAT its bc as a little autistic kid that was the only reason people would have me as a friend yk #so i suppose nowadays i still have the mindset of 'if i dont let people be mean to me then i Wont Be Kept Around' #idk . i wish i had the confidence in that area to ask ppl to hold back on being overly mean yk. but how to Do That

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ever sit like a corpse in your own body? #im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we #deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to #give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway. #who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in #the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when #projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing #dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will #ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do #something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r #stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even #then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a #broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what? #lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything #done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i #think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with #thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno #whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is #hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse #but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday #unrelated