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#i keep forgetting that came out in 2020 like i barely remember last january. and did feburary even exist
ghostabocky · 3 years
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HAPPY 2ND ANNIVERSARY KH3
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geekygoddesss · 4 years
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You
Summary: After Tom breaks the longest relationship he’s ever had, both of them seem to handle the breakup in a completely different way. 
Words: 12k
A/N: first part of a serie!
“You” chapter list
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January 4th, 2020 - The night 
For some reason tonight Tom couldn’t keep his hands still. It was the first time in years were he was actually nervous, he didn’t like that at all. 
He has gone down a couple of drinks already, the night was still young, but time was running so slow he was starting to feel this exact moment in his life would life forever, and he was starting to grow anxious as never before. 
When he turned his head to the right, the only thing he could see were the blinding lights going all around the room, accompanied by the loud music and gigantic crowd that naturally came with it. If he took a closer look it was easy for him to spot familiar faces, people that were dancing and having fun without him, people he loves but that might be about to start hating him. Because he hasn’t done a single thing and he already feels like a bad person. 
Those bright green eyes he knows so well shined directly towards him, and he couldn’t not spot them as they turned to him, that was something that came with having a good eye sight. The face of his girlfriend was smiling to him, waving him to come join her, but he wasn’t in the mood, so he shook his head in denial.
He knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer, he knew her like the palm of his hands, she never gave up so easily. 
It was only a matter of seconds - and couple blinks - to have her standing right in front of him, hands on his shoulders and the biggest smile on her face. She was happy tonight, he felt bad. 
“There you are!” she yelled, even though he could perfectly hear her, but the euphoria was kicking her hard.  “Why are you sitting down?! This is a party” she fake frowned, as she took a look at him up and down. 
He did what he does best, act natural and mask shit out. After all, that’s all he could possibly do to avoid tension. 
“It’s called a small break, genius” he rolled his eyes, letting out a sarcastic tone that came out playful.
“Right, sorry” she said, going in to take a sit right beside him.
Feeling her arms go around his waist made him even more nervous. When he turned his head to the side, her lips crashed messily into his, greeting him peck, and letting him know she was indeed having a very fun night, but not only that, she was silently telling him she cared and she hoped he was having a good night too. 
I’m a bad person. 
That thought wouldn’t stop going around his head as time went by, and as he opened his eyes and saw hers, she moved over and went to take the last sip of his drink, he felt even worse. She was unusually happy, and he was about to ruin it from all sudden. 
Should he give some sort of hint before exploding the bomb? 
Should he leave it out for another occasion? 
Would it be better is he said it now? 
None, none of those answers seemed like a good option. He was second guessing himself and that was even worse. It was going to be a disaster and there was no way to evict that. 
Scratch that, I’m a terrible person. 
A couple of big hands landed on his shoulders from all sudden, making him jump in place and sending shivers down his spine. She got scared too at the sudden move, but she smiled right after, once she saw the face behind the small prank, and the one that gave Tom the scare of his life. 
“Baby!” Tuwaine’s voice busted in his ears out of the blue, and almost knock him out of his seat. 
“Shit!” He exclaimed, doing his best to not fall over “Fuck! Don’t do that, shitface” 
As he turned, he appreciated the face of one of his best mates and his girlfriend right beside him, both of them looking just as euphoric as his own girlfriend, and acting concerned for his lack of excitement tonight, which was good for a season like this. No work, free time, a night to remember… it was weird for Tom to be so serious, it was only on him to make it look as natural as it could be. 
“Why are you sitting down?” Tuwaine asked. 
“That is exactly what I said” (Y/n) argued, as he watched the pair taking a seat right in front of them. 
“I don’t feel like dancing tonight, I enjoy watching you trying to get some moves right” Tom excused, directing an awkward grin to his best friend. 
“I do a good job, compared to you, you just do alright” Tuwained mocked. 
Allison, his girlfriend, laughed “Good one” she giggled, pinching his cheek and grabbing the drink she has been sipping from for the last half an hour. 
They’ve been at this bar for a while already, Tom has lost count of how long it has been since they arrived, but for all he knows, he has done through a couple of drinks already, and he would keep going, but he can’t. He needs a clear mind tonight and he couldn't mess that up. 
“Another round, gentlemen? Tequila, (Y/n)?” Allison offered, raising a hand for the waiter to come. 
“I wouldn’t mind that” (Y/n) shrugged, showing a smile. 
“I’ll have one more too” Tuwaine agreed, nodding to his girl as he leaned on the table.
He had to admit he was taking this situation better than he expected. He held his girl’s hand, kissed her on the cheek, caught up on a previous conversation with his best friend, took the liberty to take another beer, and before he knew it, the situation was looking more normal in his eyes. 
It was the first time in months he’s been in a bar in London, he has been out for work and all over the world for so long, having some time to stay home made him feel calmed and better. After staying at his apartment, reflecting on life and hardly going out for almost a full week, it was the first time in a very long time he had a night out with his close ones and he was grateful for it. 
… but still he was extremely sorry for this night to be the night. 
With his head off elsewhere, he kept his girl close as he nodded at the words of his best friend, sipped on his beer and heard (Y/n) ask questions to keep the conversation alive. He didn’t comment or participated, he just listened, he didn’t want to take part in the mix and say anything stupid, he just needed to be present and act natural. 
It was difficult to remain fairly sober when he had to face something like this, it was his third drink already, and without intending it, he was going through it faster than usual, maybe it was because he was barely speaking, but as the conversation went on, the bottle became empty as time passed, and he didn’t like that. If he wasn’t careful, he was going to gain himself an assisted ride home and slide words of his mouth that weren’t intended, he needed to get ahold of himself, unless he wanted to start creating wrong opinions from his closest friends. 
The light shifted in the room, the DJ became inspired, and in the blink of an eye everyone in the crowd started cheering with excitement. It wasn’t weird at all, he knew why, those were 90’s songs, everyone loves those. The night was starting to come alive with every second and he could see his friends vibing with it, he could see it in how their faces changed and the mood lit up even more. For a second he felt jealous, very jealous. They were having a genuinely good time, and here he was, making a mess of his own mind by worrying about something that has been hammering him for weeks. 
He couldn’t wait to get it out of his head. He couldn’t wait to feel himself again. 
“Oof I love that song, that’s it” Allison cheered, grabbing (Y/n)‘s sleeve and jumping with excitement. “Bye, boys” 
As usual, she just laughed at her friend’s reaction and jumped off her seat at that weird queue, looked back at Tom suggestively and nodded towards the dance floor. 
He shifted uncomfortably. 
“Go dance, we’ll stay here” Tom assured both of the girls, silently telling Tuwaine to make him company. 
Surprisingly none of them fought him, like he was expecting them to. Allison just grabbed (Y/n)’s hand and took off to the dance floor, because she was already too drunk and she couldn’t wait, her body was in need of a bit of dancing.  (Y/n) looked back on his direction, giving him an apologetic smile that he waved off without even thinking about it, because there was nothing to apologize for, she was always apologizing for everything. 
She deserved to have a bit of fun alone with her friend. He knew she stressed a lot and needed a break, it was a good idea to just let her be, sing and dance until she could forget about whatever she was stressing about this time. 
She is a hard working girl, that is why he loves her so much. 
“You’re a bit off mate” Tuwaine mumbled to him. Moving on his seat to be closer. 
His eyebrows raised, he almost choked with his beer, but he groaned it off, he didn’t want to come off as nervous, although it looked like he was failing. What was happening to him tonight, he didn’t know, but whatever he knew about acting was wearing off, because he was failing at it, and now all he could do was face reality. 
“Really?” He asked, trying to seem surprised, but not too much. 
“Yeah” Tuwaine said, like it was obvious. “you alright?” He asked, genuinely concerned, slowly turning serious. 
Tom hesitated for a second. He didn’t wish to engage anyone into anything, this was something he has been thinking about and it was more of a personal fight, he didn’t want other people to get involved. However, Tuwaine has been his right hand for such a long time, he understood why it worried him to see him like this, because if it was his case, he would feel like that too. He couldn’t give him the benefit of the doubt, that would be mean, he trusted him, so he guessed it would be better to tell someone than to do this and have no one know about this beforehand. It would be like walking on it alone… right?.
“Yeah! Always” he assured, nervously fidgeting with the bottle in his hands.
 He thought about it for a second, doubted himself and then… he just gave up. 
“Actually, I don’t know” he let out, looking directly at him. “Can I tell you secret?” he mumbled. 
Tuwaine shot him a weird look, raised his eyebrows and asked “Right here?” as he looked around the room and moved closer to his friend so he could hear him right. 
“Yes” Tom nodded  “Just act natural, it doesn’t have to be a big deal” he warned, looking to his from and forcing a small grin in direction of the two girls dancing not too far from them, who would turn and look at them every once in a while. He didn’t want them to notice the tension that started to build up. 
“Okay” Tuwaine agreed, looking up front and mumbling “Whats up?”
Once again, he felt weird, but he needed to be an adult and be able to say this as it was, not with bad intentions, but still being real about what his thoughts were. It was his friend after all, he trusted him, nothing bad could come out from this… yet. 
“I’ve been thinking about... stuff, a lot, lots of things going around and after having some serious reflections about this, I think... I don’t know” he started, not really finding the right words to introduce the situation, because there were no right words to say this. It was just complicated. “I think (Y/n) and I...” he tried to explain, but he really couldn’t. 
He motioned with his fingers what he tried to say, finding that an easier way to explain the situation than to describe it with words. With both of his index fingers he touched them together and then moved them apart, as simple as that, there was no more to communicate. Tuwaine seemed to piece everything together way too quickly, and Tom was nervous what his reaction could be. 
“Really?” he whispered in a very surprised toned, clearly being stunned by that new. 
Tom nodded shyly. “Yes” he mumbled back. 
Tuwaine blinked, clearly being confused and surprised by all this, like Tom expected. 
He was aware that dropping this bomb would be anything but easy, and that there would always be a reaction from any of the parts. First of all, because he has been with the same girl for already four years, they love each other, they live together… it was a hard decision, but the hardest thing of it all, was that this was something that would have consequences in more than one aspect and they all knew that very well, it would be a chaos, he was absolutely terrified of it. 
“Wow” Tuwaine said, letting out a big sigh as he asked “Is everything alright with you two?” 
Tom pressed his lips together, now really getting nervous “It’s fine, it’s okay, it’s just...” he tried to explain. “Listen I’m going to sound like a real asshole right now but it is really the whole truth” he warned, because now it really could get worse from here.  “I think I want to be with other people” he said shyly, looking for approval in his friend’s eyes as he said his truth. 
Tuwaine looked anything but happy at that response, he looked deep into Tom’s eyes, took a second and nodded his way, giving him the chance to explain himself once. 
“Go on” he said harshly, he jaw showing some tension that made him even more uncomfortable. 
Tom nodded back, and prepared himself to make this one short and sweet. 
“See, I’m only 23 and she is just 21, we’ve been on this relationship for around four years and I have had a good time but I just thought about it and I am not ready for commitment, mate, I am young, I need to explore a bit more and see other girls other than her, live new experiences, you know what I’m saying?” He asked, turning to look at him. “I love her, I really do, but really... I think I’m ready to move on and explore” he shrugged “it really had nothing to do with her, I’m just thinking, hey, I’m still young enough to see a little more aside from the first girl I ever started a real thing with, it’s not like we’re married, maybe it’s time both of us meet new people” he explained, trying to make it sound somehow better, but it was just the whole truth. 
Tuwaine looked unsure and certainly surprised by his friends speech. Tom understood that Tuwaine was probably not expecting something like this to come up on a night like this, but the truth is that there was never going to be a right moment, and by this time there was a certain urge for Tom to let it out. He has been rounding this thought for a while, it wasn’t just something that popped out in his mind. It might be surprising, but it wasn’t random. 
“I don’t know, are you sure about this?” Tuwaine doubted “I mean, look at her” he said, turning to look back at the girls “She looks very happy now that you’re here, and I mean, she is pretty, smart, she loves having you around, she helps you a lot, are you sure you want this?” He asked Tom, doing his best to make him reconsider his decision. 
With this, Tom knew his friend was not agreeing with his argument. But it was natural, he was her friend too, and they were good friends. None of them would want to see her sad, but this is how things rolled now. He took a decision and he would stand by it. 
“Yeah, I mean...” he mumbled, looking at her for a second “I don’t want her to just vanish out of my life, I figured we could always be friends and whatnot” he sighed, shaking his head at the thought of her just… going away. 
Tom turned his head towards his friend. He was never seen him with such marked frown but still calmed look on his face, clearly trying to remain normal. He wasn’t feeling comfortable and Tom was already getting nervous, this is exactly what he wanted to evict. 
 “Don’t look at me like that” Tom begged in a mumble “Tuwaine, don’t judge me, please”
“I don’t! I don’t judge you, I swear” Tuwaine said, snapping out of it and holding up both of his hands “Hey, Listen, I think you’re making a mistake, alright? but  if you thought about it and you’re sure, then go for it” he shrugged, trying to show some respect to him “But be careful, okay? That’s all I can say, if that’s what will make you happy, I support you, you know that” he assured him, nodding his way and trying to crack a smile. 
Tom knew that was not the most honest answer from his part, that hurt, but he bought it. There really was not a better outcome for this moment. He knew no one was going to tell him it was the right decision, but he knew what he was about to do, even when it didn’t seem like so, he has thought this through. 
“Thanks mate” He thanked him, leaning in to pat on his shoulder. 
As time passed he grew more nervous, now that he has revealed his big secret to someone, not only that, now that he has revealed it and also was alone with the only person who knew his secret, he was feeling even worse than before. Good thing of having someone know of his secret was that he was passing onto him very good advice. He would tell him what she should say and what not to say, what he would do, his perspective, some past experiences that might help him… if anything, he was starting to feel this moment was starting to become a bonding moment for him and Tuwaine, sure it was not the best situation, but sharing this kind of information with him somehow felt special. 
Tuwaine would speak a lot, and so did he, trying to explain a little bit how he was come to this decision while he could, as well as giving Tuwaine the chance (and privilege) of commenting on his master plan, that might as well go wrong, but it could be less bad if he fixed some aspects of it with the help of his friend.
Their conversation seemed cut off when suddenly the girls disappeared in the crowd of people, and barely making themselves noticeable, appeared behind them trying to make it seem like a surprised, and once again completing the group that just a couple of minutes ago was incomplete. 
(Y/n) slid her arms around Tom, let him hold her hands as they laid on his chest and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. Typical move of her, she loved to have him like this, and he was not mad at it, at all. He felt warm, safe, home…
Focus, Tom, God dammit. 
“Are we ready to go?” He asked, as he turned his head and let her leave a small peck on his lips. 
A small frown appeared in her forehead, as she walked around him to face him directly and hugged his waist to keep him close. He could see she was missing having the opportunity to have him this close, after months apart, she was missing him a lot and it was showing. On his behalf, It was wrecking him from the inside out, but he was an actor and right now he needed to mask this one. 
“What? You want to go already?!” AIlison exclaimed, sounding completely outraged by his question.  
He shrugged, hugged his girl close and left a small kiss on her forehead. He needed an excuse to get out of here, this was the best chance he could find. 
“Are you tired, bubs?” (Y/n) asked softly, looking up at him. 
“A little bit, I’m going to lie” he nervously laughed, shrugging a little “Jet lag is a real bitch” he said, but he didn’t mean that. 
Jet lagged has already passed. He has recovered his usual schedule for a couple of days now, he was fine. It was just the perfect excuse to get him out, he knew no one would fight him while playing this card. 
“That’s true” (Y/n) agreed, leaving a kiss on his cheek and grabbing her purse on the table. 
He made sure to turn back at Tuwaine with a suggesting look, so he understood it was time and he needed him and his girlfriend to vanish elsewhere. Right now he just needed to be alone with his girl and make every possible thing in his hand to not fuck anything up. 
“We can go then too, I’ll call an Uber” Tuwaine announced, finishing his drink in one sitting, and getting up from his seat. Queue for everyone to do the same.  
“Already? c’mon” Allison whined, showing a pout as she followed her boyfriend’s moves. 
“Don’t worry babe, I have an idea” Tuwaine mumbles to her, trying to make this situation look just a bit better. 
Making their way out of the bar was difficult, it was crowded, however, it is even more difficult to make it out of there when there are people around that knew Tom’s face, called his name, touched his shoulders and even stepped in the way to just wave his wave. Sometimes it could become very overwhelming. One way or another, and one step at a time, they made their way out of the place and into the cold and shiny streets of London at night. 
Tonight was not the most busy night for London’s bar, in fact, for them it was the perfect night to go out for a drink, but it was still crowded enough to build up a proper party. There were a lot of people around, however, there were not enough, so they could easily be able to step out in the street without getting mobbed with people recognizing him and only occasionally see a couple people around that would either call his name or wave at him, those were the best kind of nights, they were the best because he could chill and fool around with his friends without having too much eyes on him. Somehow it made him feel like he was just another guy going out in London. 
They stepped into the streets of the city, looking for their usual spot to call a taxi. Him having (Y/n)’s hand in his and guiding her through the small crowd in front of the bar and making sure she was with him at all times. It has just rained, he knew that, it was noticeable on how blingy everything looked now and it didn’t before, also on how this new fresh air ran through the air, he was not expecting the weather to change like this so suddenly. 
He looked back at his girlfriend, just to make sure she was not feeling the same as him or even worst, checking if she was cold so he could lend him his jacket if needed; she was definitely the kind of girl who got cold easily. Instead, the moment he turned around, he found her grabbing onto his arm just a little tighter and fighting her feet as she walked and  stumbled onto her side in a dumb move when she tried to step in. 
“Hey” Tom chuckled, grabbing her arms as a reflect “Was that you stumbling?” He asked, holding her still. 
Her lips opened, then closed and cracked into a smile. “No” she answered, standing up straight.
He looked at her with a suspicious look that she detected in less than a millisecond. She laughed, and before he could even notice her arms were all over him, wrapping him into a hug and clinging into him. He laughed, leaned into her and kissed her lips softly, hold her close and really took in this moment. He loved it, he loved this, but he would miss it, having her here and now was something he had thought about pretty often while he was gone, and now that it was happening, it was a shame that he was going to ruin it soon. 
“What if we get lost?” He whispered over her lips, kissing her cheek, and pulling her more into him. 
She smiled and nodded, making him understand that they were already going home, it was obvious. He nodded back, making her know, he was actually meaning something else. 
“What?” She asked, now clearly being confused. 
“We” he signaled “are getting lost” he announced, already assuming there was no way she would say no to this. 
Even when she doubted… he was right. She looked at him in doubt for a second and by the look on her face, it was clear that she would go with the flow of whatever he had in mind, it was just perfect. 
“Okay” she mumbled, taking his hand in hers and squeezing it lightly. 
Tom smiled widely, everything was going well, now he just needed to calm down, he could already feel his nerves spiking up on his spine, waiting for the worst part to happen and be over. He was turning more anxious by the second. 
Thank god he’s been trained to mask this kind of shit, it was really growing on him and the last thing he needed was making a show in the middle of a public place because he was incapable of ‘playing it cool’ when he needed to. 
“Guys, we’re going to take a  walk home” he announced to the couple in front of them, as he grabbed his girls hand and guided her with him. 
Allison immediately turned up to then and frowned. When things came out a little different, she usually made a lot of questions, but this time Tuwaine had this covered, when he immediately stepped in and wrapped his arm around Allison’s shoulders he was saving his ass from panicking, big time. 
 “Are you sure? The Uber is almost here” Tuwaine asked, showing him the lit up screen on his phone. 
Tom smile and nodded in response. 
“Yeah, we can take the long way” he shrugged, slowly walking back and taking (Y/n) with him. 
“It is a very long way, are you sure you don’t want a ride?” Allison asked, genuinely sounding concerned. 
“It’s shorter than you think!” Tom exclaimed, slowly turning around and making his way out. 
He could sense Allison just about to fight him into coming with them into the uber, but the situation was quickly diffused by her boyfriend, who immediately sensed, it was probably better they made their way out by themselves and not step into uncomfortable situations before anything could happen. 
“Leave them, I have somewhere we can go” He heard Tuwaine mumble to her quietly, thing that relaxed her and made any possible questions fade out. “See you Monday!” he created Tom as he walked away. 
“See you, mate!” he waved back, saying goodbye and finally getting what he wanted. 
It might raise some sort of suspicion, but this is exactly what he was asking for, a walk with (Y/n), that was it… 
Now he just needed to get it together. 
As they walked under the cold streets of London, Tom held her hand tightly and swung it back and forth slightly as they walked and he heard her speak, telling him stories and putting him up to date with everything. They made their way around effortlessly, already knowing where to go and how to get into quitter places where they could really be alone, they knew this place like the back of their hands, getting lost was easy, but really getting lost, for them was both easy and a pleasure. London is a beautiful city, but it is even more beautiful when you know those spots where no one else went, and that is exactly what they went for, a bit of privacy and somewhere where they could walk peacefully. 
With just a bit of patience and taking the right ways, in no time they were entering themselves into the best shortcuts of the city. Suddenly, everything so much calm than before, no one else was there staring, or speaking, or calling his name, it was just them on the quietness of the streets, walking hand in hand like dumb teenagers in love. For them everything was always like if they were dumb teenagers. 
He had to admit that for a second he really thought she would never buy that poor excuse he gave her to get them out of that place. In fact, he really thought she would be mad for him making them walk instead of taking a cab, however, it happened to be the complete opposite. She was looking way overly excited for having this kind of moment with him, she would walk around the middle of the street in a slightly faster pace than him, almost giving small jumps of excitements as they walked and going on into a story that clearly excited her. On the other side, he wouldn’t speak, he would just listen, made small comments and let her go on; seeing her being so excited was adorable, but he was already starting to feel terrible and it was showing. On his mind, he was trying to find the way to turn this around and make this be as mild as it could possibly be. 
“You are quiet tonight” She mentioned from all sudden, stopping her story and looking back at him with a comforting smile. Obviously trying to calm him down without saying much, like she would usually do at times. 
Right now he really wished that would work the same. 
“No, I’m not” he excused himself, shrugging it off as he turned to look back at her. 
She chuckled at his dumb answer. “Yep” she answered back, squeezing his hand as she mumbled. “Yes, you are” 
Maybe it was time for him to set the mood and get serious, get into something more than just an exciting story and tone it down, that way he thought it might be easier to introduce such a thing later. The last thing he wanted was to burst her bubble from happy to concerned from all sudden, it would be so much worst. 
“Sorry” he apologized, directing to her a bit of a shy smile “I'm just a little...”
“Stressed?” she guessed, cutting him off and taking him completely off guard. 
Words were struggling to come out of his mouth, he wasn’t expecting her to see him stressed, even though he was, he thought he was playing it off well, looking normal and relaxed, like he usually was. Now he sees he was wrong. 
“I get it, tour week it’s coming and you barely get a proper break, it kind of sucks” she mentioned, shrugging a little as she looked up front. 
I’m a way she was right. He was grateful mind reading wasn’t a thing, but in certain way, she had nailed the fact that there was something in him bothering him from that aspect. He loved his job, but sometimes he couldn’t help to keep thinking about what was coming next, even when he was on vacation. This is one of those situations, however, this time there was a plus. 
“Yeah, That” he chuckled nervously, as he looked down “Im having re-shoots after that” he also mentioned, keeping the conversation up. 
Her eyebrows raised. “Where?” She asked. 
“Atlanta” 
It was surprising he did not mentioned this to her before, being such an important fact about him leaving for work, again. He usually kept this to himself, although he wouldn’t keep a secret about him leaving, he just didn’t feel like mentioning everything he had to do; he thought it made everything seem a little overwhelming, taking things slow was a better option. 
“Wow” she sighed. “you don’t ever get a break, do you?”
He chuckled slightly. “No” he said  “I need to learn my lines” he also mentioned, almost as a reminder to himself. 
Another responsibility he needed to get his hands on before things piled up. 
“Can I take a look at them?” she asked in a happy tone, already looking excited about something like this.
He smiled shyly, acting as if he would think about it, but once he turned to see her, she already knew what he was going to say. “Sure” he let out, squeezing her hand a little bit as she jumped in excitement. 
He couldn’t say he was surprised about this, she was always trying to check things out when it came to his scripts. Prompts of having her, she really enjoyed all of the world of screenwriting, she always looking for so much information that it came in handy when she had comments over scripts he had to do. It helped him a lot and at the same time he hoped it helped her as well, after all, this was something she enjoyed with her whole heart. 
“I have exams in two weeks, you came right in time” she mentioned, changing the topic as she let go of his hand and went in to walk over the yellow line of the sidewalk. “Right before you leave, I’ll be starting my vacation, I might even grow a pair to see you in action, mister” she mentioned, making a funny face at him and winking his way. 
He laughed at her silly moves. She was the kind of person that every time she had some sort of boost of energy, it would show, this was one of the situations. She would walk over that yellow line trying to maintain balance and (for sure) acting like a little girl, she was looking for something to do as they made their way home and that would keep her active. It was certainly adorable. It was hard for him to keep track of the conversation as he watched her, it was somehow entertaining how she moved so gracefully and at the same time rambled like crazy as she spoke. 
“What do you mean ‘see me in action’, lady?” he answered, imitating her teasing tone “You’ll make it to the premier?” he asked, letting his eyebrow raise unconsciously. 
“Yes, to the premier!” she exclaimed, jumping in place. “I already have it thought out and everything, it will be really fun” she mentioned, giving a small twirl on her feet as she walked, keeping her little game over that line, never for a second letting herself fall. 
He shifted uncomfortably, suddenly feeling the tension over power his body. She had so much in mind, he did too. It was going to be an impossible task to burst her bubble in a gentle way because she already had high hopes over the future. He was about to ruin everything. 
He is a bad person. 
“I’m sure it will” he mumbled, not being aware of how it came out but suddenly realizing, his nervousness was really starting to show up. 
She turned to look at him, obviously noticing the sudden change in his mood. Her face showing a slight and concerned frown on her face. He tried to mask it with a neutral look, but it really was not working now. He just stepped into a weird zone and he didn’t know how to get out, there was not going back now. 
“What?” she chuckled awkwardly, trying to read his look. 
His eyebrows raised. “What? What?” he answered back. 
They looked at each other intensely for a good couple of seconds. Her trying to read him and him trying to act like nothing was going on. He was failing, of course, because once she took her eyes out of him, it was clear that she sensed something was off, and once again, she’d be right. 
“You’re acting weird” she mentioned, stepping out of the sidewalk and towards him. “are you nervous about it?” she asked. 
For a second, he completely panicked. What did she mean by ‘it’? Did she already knew what he was about to do?. 
It only took him a couple seconds to realize she was actually talking about the one movie he has been working on for the past years and that hasn’t come out yet, but it will and yes, he was nervous about that too. He was rarely nervous, but this was something that also had him at the edge of his seat. He was glad she could read into that too, because at the moment it was a good mask for his weird behaviour. 
“It’s my first movie for a overly famous company, I’m shitting myself” he nervously chuckled as the words left his mouth “Marvel is one thing, but this... Oof” he sighed, not being able to explain it well. 
The smile on her face was very comforting. “It’ll be great” she assured him, taking his hand in hers  “we all love Pixar and you are great in voice acting” 
He shrugged “I don’t know” he mumbled  “I was really nervous in the shooting sessions, I don’t think it’s my best” he admitted sincerely.
A shy silence fell between them. He guessed that  she didn’t have much to say, he didn’t know what to say either. The truth was there were a lot of things going on in his life that made him this nervous, those were things he still had a hard a hard time controlling and he knew that even when it killed her to see him like this, she didn’t know how to handle this either. Having him like this was fairly odd. 
“Is that what got you like this?” She asked shyly. He didn’t answered, he thought it was better to not say anything. She took that in as an answer and smiled. “You know my cousin always says something really wise that I don’t know if you’ve heard before but it says something like: tu n'as pas besoin d’impressionner tout le monde, fais des choses avec amour et les personnes intéressées se manifesteront” she recited, as expected, he didn’t get it, he had no clue of French.  “which essentially means... if you liked what you did and you worked for it, then people will love it, and if they don’t...” she shrugged “they don’t know what they’re talking about”
He smiled. 
It was nice how no matter what the conflict was in his head that bothered him in the most minimal way, she always knew what to say and I’m one way or another, it made him feel a lot better. This it was not exactly what he was looking for, but he gave her that. Watching her use her wisdom on him was a gift, he enjoyed it, even when it was not the situation, he wanted to hear one of those thoughts one last time. 
If it was the last time he would get to hear them… 
“Merci” he thanked her, smiling at her shyly. 
She smiled back, there was something her that told her that even when he didn’t say much, he would really think about what she just told him and just… relax. That was okay, that was all she wanted and needed. 
As they kept walking through those lonely and quiet streets, it was easy for Tom to find a way to change routes without her asking questions. Good thing about knowing this place so well, no matter where they went, everything could be a shortcut one way or another; before they even noticed his plan was going to perfection, just like he had planned, they were entering that isolated park where sometimes they would hangout, walk the dog, have a drink… lots of things. It was a not a strange place for them and it was the the ideal place to just sit and have a serious talk. It was just the place where they needed to be. 
As they passed in front of the place, he took the chance to step into the grass surface of the park and entering it without asking if she wanted to go there first, he just did, and almost automatically, he thought it would be a good idea to make his way to the swings. Pretty much the only sitting surface they had in the whole park. 
She walked beside him quietly, watching him as he sat down in one of the swings and looked up at her, waiting for her to do that same. The face she made to him was quiet funny, he was being somehow unpredictable and that was really taking her by surprise. At first she showed to be unsure, but after seeing that he was not going to move from that place in a little while, she gave up and just sat down on the swing beside him. 
The atmosphere had become quiet weird and now she was the one becoming nervous, mostly because how intrigued she was, but she didn’t let that show on her, she just went with the flow, she wouldn’t let a bad feeling let her make a fool of herself. 
“Why are we here?” She asked, swinging herself back and forth softly as she looked his way. 
“I just thought we could sit down for a while” he mentioned quietly “have a talk” he shrugged. 
It was weird, she thought, but she let it pass. 
“Okay” she mumbled, nodding a little bit and not asking anymore questions. 
She looked around the place, admiring the quietness that surrounded them and the sounds of nature that made themselves noticeable at this time. This place was surrounded by a neighborhood, a very nice one, that happened to have very nice houses with very nice gardens that most of the times served as houses for little insects and frogs that helped create such a nice environment. One of those houses actually happened to be her aunt’s house, pretty much the only piece of close family she had in the entire city to count on while her family was at the other side of the world, so you could say this place was no strange to her, it was a familiar environment, it almost felt like home. 
“Oh, would you look at that” she laughed, taking a look at the big white house on their front “Look who’s awake” she said, pointing out to the only window of the house that showed a turned on light. 
He hummed and looked that way. 
“Little Franky is messing around at three in the morning, busted” she chuckled to herself “I bet he’s - like - watching porn or working or reading, but he should be sleeping, that’s a fact, he has school or whatever” she mentioned. 
If there was someone she loved in this world with her entire heart was her cousin, Frank. Some may say they are siblings from another mother and the same family, but for her, that guy is her freaking soulmate. There was no one in this world that understood her better than him, and the fact that he was also in London, at the same time at her, that was priceless. They were used to being apart all of the time, having him close was just like a blessing. 
“Isn’t he driving you tomorrow?” he asked, in a poor attempt of being chatty. 
She smiled. “Sure, but only in the afternoon, I’m not the one who has to wake up super early” she shrugged, thinking about it for a second, seeing how her cousin’s head peeked from the window and disappeared in matter of a second. “Oh, I know what it is! I think he has some new friends in Paris, I heard, he’s probably playing video games, lame” she mocked, rolling her eyes. 
He laughed at her reaction, he sensed how much she would like to be there to tease him, but it was not the time. It was adorable anyway, their relationship was adorable. 
“You’re a bully, have you heard?” he teased, bumping his knee to hers. 
“Stop” she fake whined, now rolling her eyes at him and looking his direction. “I have to admit, I thought we would be going home right away, have some time alone for once” she shrugged, now being more serious. “Huh? you have been home for weeks and we’ve hardly had… you know, a night for us”
The chuckle that came out of his lips was the most awkward move that he has made in his entire life, and he has done plenty of stupid shit. At this point, it was impossible for him to mask anything, it was almost like his abilities to play it cool have worn out entirely. He needed to get serious and think this through. 
He didn’t want to do this and mark a wrong impression, he wanted to make things right, but with his nerves playing him like this, he was afraid he would fuck things up in a heartbeat. 
“Yeah, about that” he said softly “I kind of wanted to talk to you about something”
She was too smart. The second he said that in that tone was the second her face changed completely, she knew something wasn’t right and it was starting to concern her. He felt terrible for that, he didn’t like when she worried like this. 
“Are you okay?” she asked in a serious tone “Seriously, Tom, I don’t understand what is happening, you’re acting really weird” she said, a nervous chuckle coming out of her lips, as she looked at him directly and gave him all her attention. 
“I am fine, I really am” he said, immediately “and let me just say, you are too, there is nothing wrong with you, you are one of the nicest beings ever, beautiful, smart and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, nothing”
He felt like he needed to point that out, he wanted her to know it was all him, not her, make it clear before she started to have second thoughts. Although it did sound like every breakup excuse, it was the truth, he needed to lay that out. 
“Okay” she said awkwardly “Thanks...” 
“I really mean it” he said quickly “there is absolutely nothing wrong with you”
“What?” she sighed, already growing even more nervous.  “Listen, you are really creeping me out”
He nodded, he was already starting this with the wrong foot, he needed to fix this up before his nerves betrayed him entirely. 
“Sorry” he apologized “I just thought it would be easier if we came here, somehow this place calms me down” he admitted, looking around and taking a short second to breath. The tension was building up quicker than he anticipated
“Because is the only place no one is eavesdropping?” she asked, her eyebrow raising in question. 
“And because I know that every time I am here, you are always with me, no matter if you are actually here or in my mind, you just… make me company” he mumbled. 
Somehow his hand managed to find hers, and he held her tight for a good second. Already refusing to let go, at least for now. He just needed to hold her one more time, even if it was the last time he would have the chance… 
“Something is bothering you, something other than your job” she said, stating the situation without asking what was happening, again. 
He nodded, her statements were right, just now in the way she thought. 
“Take a break, let’s go home” she insisted, squeezing his hand and encouraging him to get up and go home. 
Without her noticing, she was silently encouraging exactly what he has been struggling to say in weeks, and she had no idea. He has been rounding this for a long time, it was finally time to say it out loud and see what happened. Now is the time, it’s something he needed to do and now that they were at this point of the night and right where he planned to be, it was time. 
He looked at her straight in the eyes, took a deep breathe and just said it. It was just as easy as that. 
“I’ve been thinking about this a lot, I think it might be good for us if we took a break” he finally said to her, being careful with his words and keeping it simple. 
It was not easy to let this out, but once he did, it felt like taking a weight off his shoulders. If it should feel like that or not… for him it felt great. 
After he said that, she paused for a second. It was clear that she didn’t know what to say or how to react, it was too sudden and she wasn’t ready for something like this. Whatever she could do or say now, he didn’t know. 
“A what?” she asked in confusion “When I- I didn’t mean you took a break like this, silly, I meant a break from work, what do you mean a break?” She mentioned nervously, struggling to really understand what was happening “Tom, what do you mean?” She asked again.  
He noticed it was being difficult for her to process the bomb that he just dropped to her. She understood perfectly, but she could only hope that she misunderstood the situation and it was only a joke he was trying to play. It was not. 
“I mean, maybe we should take some time to see other people, take a break from each other and maybe if we don’t feel comfortable and we’re both up to it...” 
…go back, he implied, hoping he had made himself clear on what he tried to say. 
I’m situations like this, it was very difficult to not look like the bad guy, but at the same time, it was even more difficult to handle the whole conversation without saying the wrong thing and make it as easy as he could. He didn’t want her to feel bad or cry, but that was impossible because it was already happening, the fact it was getting out of hand without him intending it was frustrating. 
He wanted to take a hold of it. He didn’t want this to end up like in a wrong way, but it was failing quicker than he thought and it scared him.
“Did I do something?” She asked, her voice broken and eyes shining. 
The atmosphere was slowly changing around her. Her breathing was heavier, she was quiet, her hands tried to stay still and the flow panic that flew out of her head without her noticing was impressing. He felt terrible. He was the one responsible for breaking her bubble, she was happy, and now she was not, she was crying. It was all on him. 
“You didn’t do anything” he made clear once again. “I just think we should take some time for each other, we see each other all of the time when I’m out of work, we have lived together for two years, there is not a time ever were we aren’t alone, do you know what I mean?” he tried to explain, as best as he could “Baby, I love you more than you could ever imagine, but we are young and I need space… we need space” 
At the mention of space, she sobbed. If there was something she was terrified of, was space. She never had a problem with leaving him be and let him do whatever he wanted, that applied to her as well, she liked to have liberty herself, but there was something inside of her, a big irrational fear of being alone without the ones she loved around her. 
He knew very well how anxious this made her and how sensitive this topic was, he has heard stories and he knows she was completely terrified of people leaving her. This was not the case, he would never let this be the case, he would never leave her life just like so. 
“Couples that take breaks never get back together” she mumbled. 
“We could be the exception” he argued. 
“How?!” she snapped, breaking the peace of the silence of the night and for once, showing this small contained anger she had inside. 
More than anger, what she had was a lot of questions. It didn’t made sense in her head how he has decided to bring this up now and the fact that it was so sudden made her struggle. She was scared of what could possible happen next, she was too used to this… what is going to happen now?. 
“You’re not making this any easier” he mumbled, getting even more nervous himself, now that she was having this reaction. 
“So was this…?” she tried saying, but her breathing was too heavy, she could hardly speak. “Why? Why are you doing this? Where is this coming from?” she rambled, not containing herself at all. 
“Darling” he mumbled “Calm down first, lets just talk, the least thing I want to do is hurt you” he said softly. 
“You’re hurting me now” she whispered back, breaking his heart slowly. 
 He made sure to hold her hand tight and run his finger on the back of it. He was hoping it would help calm down, it would usually work, but he guessed it wouldn’t be that easy this time.
This was really fucked up.
She was crying and he didn’t know what to do or say. Before he could even notice, he was actually on his knees in front of her, watching from another angle how she cried and poured her heart out. He held her hands tight and tried to keep it together.
 He hated this so much, but it necessary, this was something they needed for the sake of both of their relationship. He didn’t pretend to be selfish, he just needed to state that it might be the time for them to separate for a little while, even if it hurt, it was time, sooner or later, this had to happen. 
“We’ve been together for four years” he explained softly “I love you, you know that, but... don’t you ever wonder how it would be to be with someone else? have a moment for you? live with no attachments, at all?” he asked, trying to state his point. 
“No” she said in a outraged tone. 
He was not surprised, she was a very introverted person; once she got comfortable around something, she could spend her whole life around it and not be bothered at all, she liked routine and stability, it was just how she was. For him it was the complete opposite, he liked to shake things up every once in a while, so much of the same drove him crazy and sometimes he just needed to see different things. It wasn’t his fault, he was just like that. 
“Well I do” he said, still in a calmed tone.“Call me insane, but I’m curious; and even when I wished I didn’t have to leave you, or something else, I figured, I want to be honest with you no matter what” he admitted, holding her hands close to him he whispered a soft “I love you” and kissed the back of them softly. “I just ask you for a couple of weeks, a month maybe, not even” he almost begged, still being very consistent with his proposal. 
Her silence remained intact for a while, she seemed unable to speak or elaborate something appropriate for this moment, she just stared at him, on his knees in front of her and begging for her to understand what went to his mind. She wanted to, she really did, but there was something else inside of her that told her this was very wrong and it was not fair this was even happening. 
“Correct me if I’m wrong but” she started saying, in an attempt to speak normally  “Are you breaking up with me because you want to be with someone else? Are you bored of me?”
He didn’t know how to answer to that, it was difficult to answer that without sounding like an asshole and she was asking difficult questions. 
“It’s not like that” he mumbled. 
“Then, correct yourself, because it sounds like that” she argued, sniffing as tears left her eyes, demanding for a proper answer. 
At this moment he decided, this was going to be a difficult conversation to get around, so if he wanted to make this clearer he needed to be transparent with her. Trying to make this friendlier to not hurt her was going to fail anyway, he needed to get this out of the way and be honest. He was already stepping on this, the only thing he had left was finishing it. 
They could be here all night, but if he didn’t tell her the truth, they would never get to a solid point.  
“I just want to have a moment for myself” he snapped, finally confessing what was in his mind “Not like a man who has a distance relationship, because god knows how many times we’ve been over that, I want to feel how it is to be single” he said “I know this terrible and you will probably hate me after this but the only thing I want is… be”  
“And then what? Take me back? I’m not a toy, Holland, you can’t just leave me aside and then take me back whenever you feel like it” she argued, a big frown growing on her forehead as she spoke. 
Her hands left his in an abrupt move, he could almost feel how she was drifting away from him slowly. He wanted to stop that, get her back. Things were getting out of hand too quickly and he was terrified. 
“You’re not understanding my point” he said in a very serious tone. “I’m not doing this just for myself, I think this will be healthy for both of us” he whispered. “We’re young adults; with my job and the amount of compromise I have with so many people, I don’t feel like I’m on the right mindset for anything” he explained, still trying to make things clear. “I love being with you, don’t ever believe that I don’t, but I just want to feel what it is to be single and just...” he motioned “free of everything” 
The feeling of the air feeling his lungs was too potent, this much explaining was too much for him, especially at this time of the night, when he was half drunk and tired to keep up with this. 
“Is that supposed to mean that I am a responsibility for you?” she mumbled, her voice getting darker as she spoke. 
“Babe, of course” he said, her mouth widened in surprise instantly; he said the wrong thing and he knew it well. “not in a bad way, obviously, you’re my girl, I don’t want to lose you, not now or ever, but maybe taking this break will help us... revive the flame” 
As soon as he saw the chance, he grabbed both of her hands in his again and kissed the back of them softly. She didn’t resist it, but there was something in the air that told him she wasn’t comfortable. 
He was a bad person. 
Looking away from his face and into the dark sky of the night, she took a good breath and cried. She cried because it was the only thing she could do to drain her feelings without making this situation worst, even when he started it. 
“I-I-I…” she stuttered, trying to say something “Since when have you wanted to…?” she asked, not being able to finish the phrase. 
She didn’t need to, he knew perfectly what she meant. It was fair that she asked that, she had the right to know and he had the right to explain it all. 
“Since the last time I left” he confessed, opening up to her “I know, I know what you’re thinking and I know it took me the longest time to tell you about this, but I just… I wanted to tell you in person” he said softly “I feel like we have been on a cycle since we started dating, understand me, I just need a breather, I feel like a need a change in my life to get back on track later” he shrugged “This has nothing to do with you, it’s all me, I promise; it hurts for both of us, I am just begging you, let’s give us some time, live our lives, take a break and see how we feel, for once” he begged her, hoping she would understand and know what was happening through his brain. 
“But I don’t want to lose you” she mumbled. 
“I don’t want to lose you either, and you won’t” he assured her, kissing the back of her hands “I just want to clear my mind, I want you to have you space, relax, let both of us have time for ourselves… not spend all of the time together” he explained one more time “honestly, I’m annoying, don’t you get sick of me?” 
He wished this make her feel a lot better. A small smile came out of her lips but there was still sadness in her eyes. She didn’t want to let go and it was too difficult to process everything that was just happening, she was never ready for this, she didn’t even know if the right thing was to let it happen or to fight it. It was a situation she was completely unfamiliarized with. 
Although there were a million thoughts running through her mind by the second. When he got back on his feet and leaded her to do the same, she was already thinking about his proposal and it seemed like she had no other option than to take it, because if he already had this decision made, it was impossible he would change his mind, things were already said, there was no going back. Whether she liked it or not, it is what it is and there was nothing she could do about it. 
“We can still be friends, right?” she asked. 
Tom tensed for a good second. “I think it would be better if we just kept distance” 
One of the hardest part of taking this decision was accepting the right thing to do was to not only be apart from each other, but to really keep a distance so things could work the proper way. One of the two of them would break down if they kept contact, so it was better to keep it that way, just until the time was right, he thought, for the time being they just needed a good established break. 
“Seriously?” she asked, almost whining at his answer. 
He nodded “Just until we’re ready” he mumbled “It’ll just be a while, love, I promise” 
He knew this was coming, it’s been happening for a while. When a cry came out of her lips he was the first to pull her into his arms and let her cry the pain away. His heart shrunk at the sight of her pain, but it was his fault and he needed to be empathetic and show support, even when he was hurt as well. He was responsible, but it would be good for them. 
“I don’t want to be without you” she cried, holding onto him tightly. 
She held him tight and cried on his chest. If it was for her, she would never let go, she didn’t want to let go. 
“It’ll be good for us, I promise you, just a couple of weeks” he mumbled, his fingers running through her hair. 
“And if you don’t come back? If you feel better without me?” she asked. 
Until this moment, he never thought about that part.
 What if it felt better to be alone? 
“...then maybe, it’s a sign” he said, almost whispering “Of course that won’t happen; we’re a team, we should take this as a time for meditate and reflect on ourselves” he said, looking down at her and mumbling “It’ll be okay” 
Part of her wanted to not believe that, there was always something in her that told her this was wrong and he was lying, but something in her heart felt that… deep down, really deep down, he had a reason for all this, and he was right. This had to be mutual, she had no other option than to agree, even when she didn’t want to let him go so easily, the decision was already taken. 
She looked up at him, really wanting to look into his eyes, looking for answers. Something in his face showed empathy for her, but there was also something in him that looked serene and peaceful, he looked sure of what he was doing, and unlike her, completely calmed with this whole situation. She envied his capacity to remain so calm. On his lips he showed her a small smile, telling her it would all be okay and there was nothing to worry about, that they would get through this and it would be worth every second, a smile that told her he was more than sure of it. 
She didn’t know if it was worth believing that. He didn’t know what would happen, neither did her. Him being so sure about all this made her nervous. 
Suddenly the biggest fact of them all hit her. 
“Distance…” she mumbled, once it all fell into place. “Where am I supposed to go then?”
Of course this was something she should have worried about sooner, he has and she did not notice about that in any second, her thoughts were too consumed on the fact her four-year boyfriend was leaving her. 
He shyly smiled, telling her, he already had it thought out. 
It was never a coincidence he decided to take this way home and come to this park in particular. It was never a coincidence they were sitting in front of her aunt’s house, because once they had this conversation, this would be her stop and he would go home, all alone. He already had it thought out and she never guessed what he planned, not even in the slightest bit. 
The shock of the moment kept her quiet, she was physically unavailable to speak for a solid couple minutes. Given the time, he decided it was time for her to go where she needed to, so he walked her to the door, it was the least he could do. The fact she would probably get in trouble for knocking at his aunt’s door and ask to stay at this time, that was the least of their problems, he had it already talked out, so the hardest part of the night would be definitely saying goodbye. He wanted to make it as smooth as possible, but letting her go just like this was never going to be easy. 
“You can send whoever you want to pick up your clothes and everything you need, even yourself if you want” he let her know as they stepped into the front door. “Just for a couple of weeks, or however you think it is necessary, my door is always open if you need anything” he let her know. 
She nodded. “This the last time I will see you, then”  she said, he nodded back. 
“Just until the time is right” he let her know. 
And if it wasn’t right… it would be the last time. 
“Will you… call me or anything?” she asked innocently, fearing this would truly be the last time they would ever see each other. 
Fearing this would only be the start of her worst nightmare. 
“Like I said, I think it would be better if we kept distance” he said, a sad smile showing on his face “but please call me if something happens, anything, for you I will pick up in a second” he said, being sure of every single one of his words. 
It was needless to say that he only meant this for necessary things. She knew she wouldn’t be able to make contact with him like before, what he meant right now was only referred to strictly necessary problems, not just any conversation. He would be there for her, but if it was just a casual thing, he wouldn’t be picking up the phone, she would have to look for someone else to talk to. 
She never thought this would be happening to them. 
“So this is a goodbye” she mumbled “I love you” she said, meaning every single one of her words “and I’m sorry”
His heart broke at the sound of her words. It was not fair that she said that, but he took it, she felt guilty even when she didn’t need to, he couldn’t blame her. This was too sudden, she couldn’t think straight. 
“I love you so much” he said in clear words, walking up to her. “you don’t have to apologize for anything”
She smiled, already stating an answer, she knew that. 
It was a bad habit, apologizing, it seemed to be something she just did as an instinct and he was always reminding her of that. The fact that he was even reminding her of this in such a moment was ironic. 
Taking a step forward, Tom walked up to her and kissed her lips for one last time, not like it was a goodbye, rather than that, he wanted this to be a ‘see you soon’. He placed his lips over hers softly, and making them touch for only a couple seconds, to then slowly step back once it started to feel hard to get away, and before he could get attached, he kept his distance and decided to walk away, go home. Short and sweet, that was the plan. 
He kept walking, trying his best to not look back as he left her behind and made his way out. He wanted this, he reminded himself, it was hard but it was something he had to do. 
Of course, he wouldn’t just leave without making sure she would get inside, safe and sound; that’s why once he was out of sight, he stopped his pace and just waited, waited to hear that door open and her getting in that house, or at least something that told him there was no way something bad could happen to her while he was not looking. If any of that happen he would never forgive himself. 
Part of him expected to hear her cry at the sight of him leaving, but instead, he was surprised when he heard her ring the doorbell straight up. She would get in trouble for that, for sure, but as long as she got in safely, it didn’t matter. 
“Yes?” He heard a quiet masculine voice mutter through the intercom. 
Frank, of course. The only person who could be up at that time and the only one she probably wanted to speak to at the moment. 
“C’est moi (It’s me)” she mumbled through the intercom, speaking in French, only to assure him that it was her indeed. 
Frank was no stranger to the language, he was born in France after all, he grew up with it and he was the one teaching her, after all. It was like their way of communicating, their special connection.  
“It’s so late, are you drunk or something?” He said in a sort of annoyed tone, sounding tired and done with everything. 
“Please Frankie, open up” she whined, holding the tears and barely able to speak. 
“One sec”
The tension was building up quick, he felt so guilty. He guessed this is what it took to take such hard decisions. 
He felt the impulse of leaving at that moment, once he knew she was finally getting in the house. However, he decided it was better to stay until it was just him in that street; something inside of him didn’t let him take another step while she was still there, he wanted to hear whatever was said, but specially, hear her voice one last time.
Only god knew how much he was going to miss her from now on.
The front door opened, she was finally with someone other than him. Someone familiar. 
“Oh Chérie, what happened?” Frank said with worry, once he saw her “Est-ce que ça va? (Are you okay?)” He asked. 
“No” she cried, breaking down in a million pieces “He broke up with me” she mumbled to him, with a broken voice “He left me” 
Hearing her say that stroke him like he never thought it would. He never thought he wold hear those words coming out of her mouth. He left her, he really did and she really believed that. He left her, after all those years together, and he was very sorry. 
The damage was done. He has done what he planned and there was no going back, as difficult as it was, he did what he needed to. 
He got what he wanted. 
Tom Holland was now a free man. 
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ingek73 · 3 years
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Stifling, Toxic and Racist—Duchess Meghan Never Had a Chance at The Palace
Royal editor-at-large Omid Scobie sounds off on the outdated practices and attitudes within the royal family that left the Duke and Duchess of Sussex forced to make a change.
BY OMID SCOBIE
MAR 10 2021, 3:20 PM EST
I remember the feeling of frustration well. My work on an extensive biography of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Finding Freedom, was coming to an end. After hearing countless stories from multiple people close to the couple about how they felt unsupported and unprotected by the institution of the monarchy, it was time to address the matter with the palace side. A chance for them to respond.
“This is nonsense. … We did absolutely everything [for Meghan],” the senior aide told me over the phone. I asked for examples. “Everybody welcomed her, and she was given all the support she needed,” they continued. I asked again. “They forget how accommodating we were when it came to navigating the duchess through her first steps [as a working royal],” the aide added, somewhat curtly. I had several conversations like this over the weeks that followed—each party, be they from Clarence House, Buckingham Palace, or Kensington Palace, for the most part seemingly baffled by the Sussexes’ grievances. Finally, I took what I had and moved on.
Well over a year has passed since these calls, and the full severity of Harry and Meghan’s situation has finally been laid bare. Sitting in front of Oprah Winfrey, the duchess tearfully opened up about her darkest days as a working member of the royal family. Unprotected, undefended, and left to face a near-daily barrage of hateful commentary and negative stories, Meghan revealed how her circumstances had, at times, seen her virtually stuck indoors for weeks on end. Lunch with friends could have momentarily lifted her spirits, but social outings were dismissed by royal family members and aides who said it would be better to lie low. Her image was “everywhere right now,” they told her. Her isolated existence stood out in particular to her worried mother, Doria Ragland, who during a summer 2019 visit to Frogmore Cottage was surprised to discover that neither she nor her daughter was able to go out into Windsor town to pick up coffees. “You’re stuck in here,” Doria told Meghan at the time, according to a source.
The Oprah interview was the world’s first time hearing Meghan describe the true toll of the palace’s “no comment” policy when it came to dealing with inaccurate press coverage. One report that caused Meghan particular upset was the November 2018 allegation that she’d made the Duchess of Cambridge cry during a children’s bridesmaid dress fitting for her Windsor Castle wedding. Though the palace knew the claims were untrue (and that it was, in fact, Kate who made Meghan cry), Meghan was repeatedly told that it would not be possible to set the record straight, despite it being a story that fed into a stereotype-laden narrative. Other royal family members were often afforded more sympathetic support when it came to dealing with inaccurate press (officials even issued a statement to deny Kate’s use of Botox in July 2019), but both Harry and Meghan felt they did not have access to this same privilege.
The couple’s exasperation came to a head in January 2020, when Kensington Palace urgently requested that Prince Harry cosign a statement against an “offensive” newspaper report stating Prince William “constantly bullied” the Sussexes before their decision to step away. “Well, if we’re just throwing any statement out there now, then perhaps KP can finally set the record straight about me [not making Kate cry],” Meghan emailed an aide, asking why side of the story public image was never considered important to anyone. But, as with many requests made by the couple, her suggestion was ignored. The Duchess of Cambridge, she was told, should never be dragged into idle gossip.
Meghan’s state of well-being deteriorated as the institution refused to defend or protect her during her toughest moments. Talking to Oprah, Meghan revealed that her mental health was so fragile during her pregnancy that she “didn’t want to be alive anymore.” She turned to senior staff—including the palace’s own HR department—but her plea for help in January 2019 was repeatedly shut down. It’s not a good look for the family, she was told. Even friends who wanted to help her or speak up in her defense were regularly reminded by palace aides to keep quiet. As the cruel commentary, racist attacks, death threats, and negative tabloid stories piled up—and the institution continued to ignore the problem—Meghan later likened the experience to a friend as “death by a thousand cuts.” Her reference to an ancient Chinese execution method was no coincidence.
For the millions around the world who watched Meghan share her story, some of the experiences shared were perhaps all too familiar. Princess Diana revealed in several interviews that she considered suicide during her marriage to Prince Charles and spoke candidly about her battles with bulimia and mental distress, both of which were ignored by the institution of the monarchy. Sarah, Duchess of York, was also open about how the pressures and loneliness that came with palace life led to her own struggle with eating disorders.
When Kate quickly found public adoration as the Duchess of Cambridge, the palace would proudly tell members of the press that lessons from the past had been learned. “There has been a concerted effort to ensure that history never repeats itself,” one senior staff member working for the Cambridges told me in 2014. Yet, here we are in 2021, with a very real image of Britain’s oldest and most revered establishment once again engaged in neglect and gaslighting, and dismissing mental health.
When Kate quickly found public adoration as the Duchess of Cambridge, the palace would proudly tell members of the press that lessons from the past had been learned. “There has been a concerted effort to ensure that history never repeats itself,” one senior staff member working for the Cambridges told me in 2014. Yet, here we are in 2021, with a very real image of Britain’s oldest and most revered establishment once again engaged in neglect and gaslighting, and dismissing mental health.
This time, however, race—or more specifically, racism—plays a major role. Harry and Meghan’s revelation that a member of the royal family (not the queen or Prince Philip) had expressed “concern” over how dark the skin of the queen’s great-grandson might be, left many, including Oprah herself, openmouthed. But for those familiar with the institution—which on Sunday celebrated the diversity of the Commonwealth realm’s population of 2.4 billion—it comes as less of a surprise. This is an establishment that only last week briefed The Times of London that Meghan wanted to be royal “the Beyoncé way,” and that the help offered to her included establishing the queen’s Black equerry (a senior attendant, if you will) as a “mentor.” Princess Michael of Kent’s ignorance regarding wearing a blackamoor brooch during her first encounter with Meghan is a reminder that even racial sensitivity can be lacking within the family. An establishment that, as Meghan herself explained, has yet to learn the difference between rude and racist press coverage. The stiff upper lip, no matter how painful the attacks, was expected to remain impossibly rigid at all times.
The palace has continually proven itself to be unable to empathize with any person who crumbles under the pressures of its outdated and unreasonable expectations.
But when does forced silence turn into abuse? Ignoring gossip and drama may fall under the royal family’s famed (but questionable) “never complain, never explain” mantra, but expecting the victim of racism to remain voiceless while sections of the press call her “ghetto,” “straight outta Compton,” and “un-royal” borders on complicit with the attacks. As does refusing to learn how to identify the existence of the very racism that fuels them.
If it’s not considered appropriate to acknowledge racism or racial ignorance when aimed at a mixed-raced senior royal, then how should the 54 countries of the Commonwealth and its predominantly Black, Brown, and mixed population feel about the realm’s figurehead belonging to an institution that claims to celebrate “diversity” but in practice appears to uphold white supremacy? And if the lack of awareness Harry described to Oprah is true, then were race-related public duties, including Prince William recently calling out racism in British soccer and Prince Charles speaking out about racism in architecture in 2000, simply performative? It’s hard to forget that across the full lineup of working royals, all failed to acknowledge last year’s Black Lives Matter movement, which saw just as much protesting across the United Kingdom as the United States.
A brief, 61-word statement shared on behalf of the queen by the palace on March 9 revealed that the family is “saddened” by how challenging recent years have been for the Sussexes. But with the note also admitting that the family are somehow only just learning of the “full extent” of the couple’s experiences, isn’t it all a bit late? With yet another “commoner” leaving the House of Windsor emotionally battered and bruised, the palace has continually proven itself to be unable to empathize with any person who crumbles under the pressures of its outdated and unreasonable expectations. A glass-half-full view is that recent events could perhaps serve as a catalyst for change (and I hope they are). But given Harry’s own admission that his family is trapped within a “system” so fearful of the British press and public that they’re often unable to live up to their own ideals, is it actually time for us to just finally set them free?
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billyhottamale · 3 years
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Over a year ago I was fucked up
January 2020, I came home right as the year begun and cried my eyes out, my friends went ahead and kept celebrating, I told them I wasn't in the mood for that
I had two breakdowns before going home that night, I had started therapy and was taking God knows how many pills they were, I was steady in December 2019, the pills were doing it's job, they were controlling me, the pain was gone and so was the sadness, with the beginning of 2020 I was taking less pills, doctor's orders, and I missed them, I wanted them, they were keeping everything away, everything that was bad, and when the effect stopped it all came back, and then I took the pills again like I was supposed to, and it was all good again
I always told myself I hated pills, I didn't wanted them, I have a hard time swallowing them, but I was addicted to them, I knew they made me feel better and I wanted them all the time, I did as the doctor said, no more pills than the ones I had to take, no pills outside the time, take them in the morning and in the night, only 1 of each and that's it
Meanwhile covid arrived and we were sent home, weekends are crazy, I could barely handle my family for two days let alone months without leaving the house, I grabbed what I learned in school and made some activities for us, I was busy, my family was busy and tired, I had peace, with peace came the time to talk to my mother, exactly how I felt, she did the best she could, she understood when I felt sad and had to be left alone, when I had my panic attacks she did her best to comfort me knowing I didn't wanted to be touched. I remember having a sensory overload and trying to explain it to her so she could keep my siblings quiet, in the end I learned she felt that too sometimes, just didn't knew what it was, only that she needed space
I got in touch with friends(never lost touch, just didn't wanted to talk to anyone at the time), I explained my feelings and told them all I had to say, I felt better talking to someone
I spent 2019 asking for a cat, July 2020 I got a cat, then another, my mom thought it might help me
I kept talking about my feelings, I got busy with the cats, I told my doctor I stopped medicine and of course he wanted me to take it for at least an year and I did as he asked
I remember by the end of 2019, looking out the windows and looking at the cars passing by "man, what if I just jumped" but hey, I wanted a cat and I wanted to have kids, I wanted to fall in love and fucking kiss someone, have my first time, get drunk, go to college, travel, I just wanted some fun and love, I wanted to live, but if one day I just decided it was enough how was I going to do those things?
I have three cats and I've gotten drunk, I have so much more to do, so much more to look forward to, so many books to read, and to write! Oh God do I have ideas! Am I going to college? Oh boy we're just waiting for the end of September to know, rn I'm learning fashion design and I'm sewing my own collection to present on a catwalk with the rest of my classmates, planing on traveling next year, fuck love dude, i couldn't care less about rn, though I did fall in love this year, I'm too busy and too worried about my future and career to think about boys or girls or wtv
My driving exam is soon, I'm excited but my body responded with a panic attack followed by a depressed episode (or so my doctor calls it), I responded by letting do its own thing, it needed to cry, go ahead buddy, it needed to feel mad and punch something, sure, for as long as I don't hurt myself or others you are allowed to feel and do wtv you want and goddamn is it important to let your body feel this, to let yourself feel negative emotions, you're not a fucking box with a lock, you're a person, you feel things, you can't let yourself keep this feelings inside you, talk to someone, see what's best for you and do it
Ending it doesn't do the trick, you have so much to live for, so much to do, life sucks ik, but it doesn't last forever, so while we're here let's get the best we can out of it
You know that stupid thing about depressed people? The one when they say you should just go outside and be happy, yeah that one, well...I didn't went outside at first, I felt sad and miserable, I saw ways of hurting myself, so first why don't you talk to someone? Even if you just need them to listen, then you can do something that always made you happy, hey do you like eating cake? Well learn how to make one, maybe then you can learn new ones, maybe you can learn how to make other sweets, and then you can just say "damn I'm still sad, but I made this cake and it's kinda pretty, also it tastes good, maybe other people would like it, maybe I could start doing stuff like this when I can, guess I'm not worthless, just hadn't found something new that can make my life more exciting"
This is probably hella confusing but what I'm trying to say is, find something worth living for, something new you might actually like, reach out, reach out to me if you want, I won't always be there, I still have my bad days, but it's OK, because two years ago I didn't wanted to be here, now I want so many things, have so many plans, hey I'm getting a tattoo if I pass my exam first try, mom's going crazy, but it's my life, I own it, I'm the boss of me and not even my anxiety can take it away anymore, I am stronger than my disorder because I choose to be, because I tried and I cried and I fell and i got up many times, and I'll keep fighting until one day I have everything I've dreamed of and accomplished all I wanted and I'll be sitting somewhere finally happy and I want that for you
This is hard to get rid of ik, but we're not aiming for perfection, we just want some stability and love
Darling listen
You are loved and beautiful and so smart, so funny, so VALID, everything you are going through is valid, you're not less than anyone, you need me to hold your hand? I'll do it, we'll go through hell and back just so you can smile again
I love you, you're capable of so much more than you probably think, stay with me please
Don't forget, life does get better, but it all starts with you, if we don't change, things won't change
Hey tell me about yourselves, let's spread some positivity and love, you deserve a break today
Also drink lots of water, sleep well, brush your teeth, cry if you feel the need to, sometimes it helps
Once again, I love you!
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** Writing Challenge **
I know, I know, my next one isn’t quite wrapped up yet, buttttt this idea came to me when my cousin and I were taking a walk down a ridiculous part of Memory Lane and I got excited. I’m guessing this has been done before at some point -- that’s not stopping me from presenting to you: 
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I love fluff. And I wanna see more of it! 
Below the cut you will find some prompts that, in the context of Twilight, are absolutely cringe-worthy. My challenge to you is to take that prompt and make it something we can love. 
Disclaimer: I’m not Twilight-shaming ANYONE. I literally sat and watched all of Eclipse and now want to watch both Breaking Dawns. It’s more about sentiment, and the occasional girly giggle for me, but ... yeah. No judgement here, friends. 
Guidelines, prompts, and tags are below the cut! (Yes, I copied and tweaked from my last writing challenge. I’m being efficient, thank you! :P )
Please read all of the information carefully!
Rules, Guidelines, Important Dates:
Sign-Ups start when this post is live and will go through to December 30, 2020. I will accept two people for each prompt, one prompt per author.
Please send your sign-ups to my ask box so they’re easier to keep track of. I will answer them privately so I’m not flooding anyone’s dash!
In your ask, please include your preferred prompt and a backup option, as well as your pairing (so I don’t take the same pairing for the same prompt). Also, please let me know if you’ll be posting from a URL other than one you’re asking from.
To be included in the challenge masterlist, please post your fic (or the first part, if it’s a series) by Decemeber 31, 2020.
Please include an author’s note tagging me and mentioning the challenge in your fic post; include #BetterThanTwilightWC in the first five tags. If the tag doesn’t work, you may DM the link to me, also. If you decide to write a series, please tag me in the masterlist.
Please give me up to 48 hours to read your fic before checking if I have seen it. If I have not liked it after 48 hours, please DO check. (You know, since we’re all aware of how unreliable tumblr is. And how unreliable my mind can be. Yikes.)
The challenge masterlist will be posted between January 1 and January 4, 2020.
There are no word count limits, but please use the Keep Reading feature if your story goes beyond 500 words. Additionally, if your fic goes beyond 5000 words, please consider splitting it into multiple parts. This is not a requirement, only something to think about.
Yes, this is a FLUFF challenge, so you MUST have fluff as your main genre. You’re more than welcome to include other genres, but you MUST have a happy and/or hopeful ending.
You’re welcome to think outside of the box! Just because I’m talking Twilight and love stories, doesn’t mean there has to be romance! Give me  amazing friendships or strong family bonds or self-love. Or romance! Whatever you’d like. 
You're welcome to change pronouns in the prompt as necessary! Heck, I tweaked a few of ‘em so they’re not Twilight-specific.
For personal reasons, I do not read and will not accept into the challenge (which means I will not reblog or add to the masterlist) stories that include: non-con/dub-con, underage sex, adult-child romantic/sexual relationships, spouse-bashing, child abuse – I could go on, but I think you get the idea. If you’re not sure about something, I’m always happy to answer questions!
Bring on the ships, OC’s, reader pairings – I’m trying to be more open-minded as of late, but I can’t promise that I will read everything. Again, for personal reasons. But I will reblog everything! 
Characters and RPFs from Marvel/MCU are both welcome. 
If you need an extension or need to drop out, please know that I am extremely flexible when it comes to that deadline/due date. In the words of Captain Barbosa, “It’s really more of a guideline.” Just shoot me an ask or a message and we’ll work something out, no worries! 
Prompts: 
1. “I have always loved you, and I will always love you.”  2. “The clouds I can handle. But I can’t fight with an eclipse.”  3. “I know what you are.”  4. “You held out your hand and I took it without stopping to make sense of what I was doing.” 5. “You have a connection with her that I’ll never understand.” 6. “I’m glad she has you.” 7. “It will be like I never existed. I promise.” 8. “I knew who I wanted to be. I wanted to help people. Brings me happiness.” 9. “That will take a while to get used to.” “We have a while.” 10. “What if I’m not the hero? What if I’m the bad guy?” 11. “I’d rather hear your theories.” 12. (sarcastically) “Super. That makes me really happy.” 13. “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.” 14. “Maybe I shouldn’t be dating such an old man. It’s gross. I should be thoroughly repulsed.” 15. “It’s an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to and they’ll accept you for what you are.” 16. “I’ve been waiting for what seems like a very long time to get beyond what I am.” 17. “I feel like I can finally begin.” 18. “He’s totally gorgeous, obviously. But apparently nobody here is good enough for him.” 19. “He did say I couldn’t step inside the door. I came in through the window.” 20. “I know things. Like how to hunt somebody to the ends of the earth. And I know how to use a gun.” 21. “Now I’m afraid.” “Good.” 22. “I’m not afraid of you. I’m only afraid of losing you.” 23.  “About three things I was absolutely positive ...” 24. “You’re so stubborn.” 25. “Do you know how worried I’ve been?” 26. “I can’t even think about someone hurting you.” 27. “The only thing that can hurt me is you, and I don’t have anything else to be afraid of.” 28. “Don’t antagonize her. She’s the strongest one in the house.” 29. “All right. That’s enough experimenting for one day.” 30. “It never made sense for you to love me.” 31. “I wish there had been someone to vote no for me.” 32. “It’s just a little baby.” 33. “How strongly are you opposed to grand theft auto?” 34. “I’m not missing another fight!” 35. “No one can hide like me.” 36. “If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?” 37. “I have one condition, if you want me to do it myself.” 38. “I had an adrenaline rush. It’s very common. You can Google it.” 39. “How did you get in here?” “The window.” 40. “I love a happy ending. They are so rare.” 41. “You should put your seatbelt on.” 42. “Can you talk about something else? Distract me so I won’t turn around.” 43. “I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.” 44. “After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?” 45. “Maybe that’s why they kicked me out.” 46. “All of my best nights have happened since I met you.” 47. “You know everybody’s staring?” “Not that guy ... no, he just looked.” 48. “She wishes she was that awesome.” 49. “Does he visit often?” “Yeah, all the time.” 50. “Lie ... Lie better.” 51. “I’m Switzerland.” 52. “That should have been our first kiss.” 53. “Would you like to hear my story? It doesn’t have a happy ending -- but which of ours does?” 54. “Another party?” “It’ll be fun.” “Yeah. That’s what you said last time.” 55. “You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. I will always be yours.” 56. “The way he watches you. It’s like he’s willing to leap in front of you and take a bullet or something.” 57. “Kill me! Not him!” 58. “Stay.” “Give me one good reason.” 59. “Yeah, it’s and off day when I don’t get somebody telling me how edible I smell.” 60. “Damn it! You’ll be the death of me, I swear you will.” 61. “If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I’m not afraid of it.” 62. “Do I dazzle you?” 63. “I’m tired of trying to stay away from you.” 64. “Bring on the shackles, I’m your prisoner.” 65. “You are my life now.” 66. “And then we continued blissfully into this small, perfect piece of our forever.” 67. “Nobody’s ever loved someone as much as I love you.” 68. “I don’t know what happened.” “You love him.” 69. “All of sudden it’s not gravity holding you to the planet, it’s her. Nothing else matters. You would do anything, be anything for her.” 70. “You really love her?” 71. “I don’t see the whole point of the rest of the world without her.” 72. “Then I found a promising site ... I waited impatiently for it to load, quickly clicked closed each ad that flashed across the screen. Finally, the screen finished -- simple, white background with black text; academic-looking. Two quotes greeted me on the homepage:” 73. “I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” 74. “I’ll be fighting for her, too, and I’ll be fighting twice as hard as you will.” 75. “It’s always been him.” 76. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.” 77. “They’re coming for her.” “They’re not gonna touch her.” 78. “Doesn’t he own a shirt?” 79. “You know, if it weren’t for the fact that we’re enemies and that you’re also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you.” 80. “You have disappeared. Like everything else.” 81. “The absence of him is everywhere I look.” 82. “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.” 83. “Your number was up the first time I met you.” 84. “We all like to drive fast.” 85. “It’s too easy to be myself with you.” 86. “I’ve never given much thought to how I’d die, but dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go.” 87. “Don’t tempt me too far. My patience isn’t that perfect.” 88. “His tone questions my sanity, but it only made me more suspicious. It was like a perfect delivered line by a skilled actor.” 89. “What’s he mad about?” 90. “No measure of time with you will ever be enough.” 91. “I promise to love you forever, every single day of forever.” 92. “We’re gonna be great friends!” 93. “If I had my way, I would spend the majority of my time kissing him.” 94. “Until your heart stops beating.” 95. “I touched the cool miracle of his ski, and I was home.” 96. “Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.” 97. “This isn’t the time to make hard and fast decisions. This is the time to make mistakes.” 98. “Leave it to you ... you have to start hanging out with the first weirdos you can find.” 99. “I love him much more than I should, and yet still nowhere near enough.” 100. “I refuse to be affected by territorial disputes.”
Tags for possible interest/signal boosting (if you’re so inclined): 
 @captain-s-rogers​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​​​​​​​​​ @hurricanerin​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @horsesandbandsforlife​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @im-not-an-armrest-im-short​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @captain-rogers-beard​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @shynara51​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @sea040561​​​​​​​​​​​​​  @pinknerdpanda​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @xtina2191​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @jackryanplz​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @beakami​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @heartsaved​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @fullprunerebelstatesman​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @blackwidowismyhomegirl​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @the-murder-strut-murdered-me​​​​​​​​​​​​​  @shield-agent78​​​​​​​​​​​​​  @jennmurawski13​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @okay-maybe-i-like-marvel-too​​​​​​​​​​​​​
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annazverina · 3 years
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2020 Letter to the World
In 2015, I began writing annual Letters to the World to reflect on what I learned during the year. I shared my first one publicly in 2018, and since then I discuss certain topics that were relevant during the year and what they taught me. Enjoy.
***
I typically don’t start writing my annual Letter to the World until October or November at the earliest, but this year has already been a huge whirlwind for the entire world. I started writing this in April and edited it until the day it was posted. At that point, we had been in isolation for a month. A few weeks later, yet another revolution sparked within the United States. As soon as the riots and protests started, I knew this would be the hardest letter I’ve ever written. 
This year I will discuss coronavirus, racism, social media, and the importance of face to face communication. 
Around the time I finished writing last year’s letter, a new illness was taking over Wuhan, China. This new, mysterious strain of coronavirus was infecting people left and right. But like any other American, I didn’t worry about it, though I kept track of it on Twitter. I remember the time when there were only 600 cases, and it hadn’t spread outside of Wuhan yet. Man, those were the days. It’s amazing how much the world changed within a month, a week, and a few days. 
A month before isolation, my friends and I drove down to San Antonio for the TMEA convention. Tens of thousands of music educators in the same building. At that same time, San Antonio had its first cases of COVID-19. Less than a month later, SXSW was cancelled. That’s when I realized that this was becoming a big deal. The same day the WHO declared the pandemic, my university announced it was moving to online instruction for what would eventually be the rest 2020. My first day of quarantine was 14 March. I began vlogging occasionally to document the experience. 
I barely left the house during quarantine. For the first five months, the only reasons I left were to go walking, move out of the dorm, or to pick up food. My family took a trip to Colorado right before I left for school, which was our first time eating at a restaurant in 150 days. None of my family or our friends officially tested positive. At school, my roommate did, which led to a two week isolation for me. It really bothered me that those who could stay home weren’t. I get that the United States was founded with freedom in mind (even though we’re not free yet), but I don’t understand why people weren’t willing to give up a little bit of freedom and wear a piece of cloth on their face. Sometimes, you have to give up freedom for the sake of the big picture. I learned that many Americans don’t understand that. The United States shut down too late and reopened too early. Those above us care too much about money. The economy is important, but so are people. Human lives matter, including Black lives.
We all know what happened.
Every January in elementary school, we learned about the Civil Rights Movement. However, they did not mention that racism was still an ongoing problem. They implied that it was a thing of the past. God, I wish it was. I don’t think it ever will be, but the things we can do to eliminate it as much as possible are promoting anti-racism and teaching those who come after us that no matter where someone comes from, they can’t form any opinions about them until they know what’s in their heart. 
That entire week after the murder was very overwhelming. It made me wonder what kind of families racist people grew up in to think that it’s okay to not be good to everyone. I live my life with one thing in mind all the time: be good to myself and others. And I think everyone else, regardless of socioeconomic background, race, religion, whatever, should do the same. And we must teach those who come after to follow those footsteps.
There was never a class in school dedicated to being good citizens. They just yelled at the students doing bad things to stop, but never explained why it was bad, nor did they tell them how to be better. Common human decency is something that should be taught K-12, and I honestly think it’s more important than STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math). We cannot force the students to rely on their parents for something like this, because some parents are uneducated, some are not good people, some suck at parenting, and way too many children in the world don’t even have parents. Schools are the ones that need to teach kids how to be good… all the way through. 
WE MUST BE THE CHANGE. Those currently in power appear to not be doing anything, so those who want change must RISE UP. For us civilians, signing petitions and donating is great, and being good, like I mentioned above, is also something we should do. We must change our behavior for the better. We cannot rely on other people to do stuff for us. We must do it ourselves. Change is not a process that can happen over night. So far it’s taken decades/centuries of work, but someday we will be there. Even if we don’t live to see it, the work we do now will help our future descendants. 
After George Floyd’s murder and the explosion of social media, I was super overwhelmed with everything I was reading. I decided to take the month of June off of Twitter, and man, I’m glad I did. Social media in general is a toxic place to be, and cutting out Twitter and Facebook was healthy for me. In terms of toxicity, Twitter and Facebook, in my opinion, are the worst platforms. On Twitter, it’s hard to control what you see in your feed. Most of the tweets in my feed are from people I don’t follow. They’re tweets I never signed up to see, and they flood my feed with posts that sometimes feel like propaganda. Sometimes I feel like celebrities are worshipped like a deity. I often feel like I’m not allowed to have my own personal beliefs on Twitter, rather I have to conform to what the loudmouthed users believe. If I don’t, I’m racist, misogynistic, homophobic, etc. Facebook is similar, but most of the people I follow are my friends or family, so I can’t unfollow them.
Surprisingly, I like Instagram. Reposting is very uncommon, and posting more than once a day is unofficially considered spam, therefore people have to put all their politics into one single post, which I can scroll past and never see again. You never see posts from people you don’t follow, (except for the occasional advert) and overall I think people use it mostly to share photos of their lives. Most of the flaws that come from Instagram are the people who use it, but it’s easy to avoid them. 
My brother shared some statistics with me recently. Only about 10 percent of Twitter users tweet on a normal basis. About 40 percent of people in the United States have a Twitter account. With that in mind, theoretically, the loud mouthed Twitter users only make up about 4 percent of the U.S. population. Or… something like that. I don’t know how accurate these statistics are, nor do I know where my brother got them from. Regardless, social media does not represent everyone in the world. Not even close.
The nice thing about living in a world of social media is being able to keep in touch with friends and family while quarantined. This whole quarantine process made me ever so grateful for face to face meetings. Some people believe no one will ever want to work again once everything ends. That’s not true. I think most people like working. Being able to leave the house every day and do something, even if it’s something you don’t like, is what keeps us sane. When it came time to return to school, I was initially really mad due to COVID. I ended up being okay with it. My school did a fantastic job at keeping COVID cases down for the entire semester (we only had an average of 20 cases a week, compared to some schools who had hundreds). Not only that, but I was able to see my family away from home again. Even though we wore masks and social distanced most of the time, things felt somewhat normal. 
If you are the kind of person who could care less if you see your friends and coworkers in person, don’t forget that most people don’t feel that way. It’s hard to have group conversations on Zoom. You certainly can’t have a party where multiple conversations happen. Don’t assume everyone feels the same way about something. Let people have their social gatherings when it’s acceptable again, and don’t belittle people who feel different from you.
Everyone must do the right thing… all the time. Even when no one is watching. It’s our job to develop the habit of being good to ourselves and to others regardless. If we do that, we’ll be able to go back to a normal-ish life sooner. Lin-Manuel Miranda called America a “great unfinished symphony” in Hamilton. America, you great unfinished symphony, we still have unfinished business to take care of. The change we need won’t come tomorrow. The amount of work we have before we reach the double bar line will take generations to get to. We cannot allow a repeat sign. We must start today. May 2021 be a year of healing.
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hope-for-olicity · 4 years
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Fabulous Olicity Fanfic Friday - January 3rd, 2020
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Happy Friday! So this is my attempt to both thank awesome fanfic writers for their amazing work and offer my recommendations to anyone who is interested. Here are the fantastic fanfic stories I read this week! They are posted in the order I read them. This and all previous Fabulous Olicity Fanfic posts can be found on my blog. 
The Way We Met multi-chapter Complete by @originalhybridloverfics​ - Ever since Felicity Smoak lost her mother, she struggled to move forward until the day she met Oliver Queen and her whole life changed. Oliver has lived his life with one thing in mind, survive. Growing up in the system taught he had to look out for himself at any cost. However, the day he met Felicity changed him. Can two lost people find their way in each other? Can their love survive when an old enemy tries to tear their world down around them, leaving nothing but pain and regret in their wake? https://archiveofourown.org/works/21360379/chapters/50879065#workskin
There's No Game Tougher Than Love multi-chapter Complete by @mindramblingsfics​ - "Oh, let me guess. You're not used to people saying no to you." Felicity took her textbooks back from Oliver and slipped them inside her locker. "That's...come on. That's totally not it," Oliver quickly objected. She leaned against the now closed locker folding her arms across her chest. Turning back to him, a teasing smiled tugged at the corner of her lips as she studied him with her eyes. "Tell me what it is then. Inquiring minds really want to know." Oliver looked back in Felicity's eyes and instantly knew this girl in front of him was like no other girl he'd met before and he was foolishly up for the challenge. https://archiveofourown.org/works/11519925/chapters/25855590
Strip Poker and Fruit Cocktail multichapter Complete by TaraB1915 - Felicity and Oliver have a second mini-moon at the Queen's mountain lodge. https://archiveofourown.org/works/21938257/chapters/52359037
The Magic of Christmas multichapter WIP by yearsofexperience  - Felicity is the CEO of her own company, which takes up most of her time. She doesn't have much time to relax so when her best friend suggest they go for a trip to ski lodge in Aspen owned by Oliver Queen, she needs a lot of convincing. Giving in to her friend, Finally, she gives in not knowing that her life is about to turn upside down. https://archiveofourown.org/works/21993718
Forward is the Only Way Through multichapter WIP by @mindramblingsfics​ - "If life is giving us another chance, don't you think we should take it?" Will life finally give high school sweethearts Oliver and Felicity the chance to be happy the way they always dreamed of when they were younger? As adults, professional baseball player Oliver Queen and technology mogul Felicity Smoak try to navigate their love while also dealing with the demands of everyday life and their respective rising careers. https://archiveofourown.org/works/13182393/chapters/30151908
The Legend of the Snowmen multi-chapter WIP by WinterJoy - Felicity believes in the legend of the snowmen. Oliver had never heard of such a thing. Now he has a new way to show Felicity how important she is to him. https://archiveofourown.org/works/22007416/chapters/52516834
Let's Make a Deal You and I by babswonder - It's a suit shop nerd store AU. Oliver Queen is a local menswear employee on a quest to find a microwave. What he wasn't expecting was stepping inside a nerd store and dipping his toes into nerd culture...and finding a cute blonde. https://archiveofourown.org/works/13252581
Forget Me Not multi-chapter WIP by @mindramblingsfics​ - Felicity was presumed dead after The Gambit was shipwrecked and she went missing. As the one year anniversary of her death approaches, a miracle happens and she is found. Just when Oliver thinks the universe has given them a second chance, he learns Felicity barely remembers him and the memories of their love together are gone entirely. Oliver and Felicity’s journey after they reunite prove to be a tough road ahead, and then they learn that Felicity’s accident may have had a more sinister motive behind it. https://archiveofourown.org/works/18392291/chapters/43556987
In Search of Caffeination by @smewhereelse​ - Five scenes from the morning shift at Verdant Coffee Co., and one from after closing. https://archiveofourown.org/works/12017259
Phone Etiquette by delinquentdee - Venting to a friend is a great form of stress relief... unless you're Felicity Smoak. https://archiveofourown.org/works/22013380
You and Me (From the Night Before) by @fellicityqueen - Felicity drinks a bit too much to survive a mayoral New Year's Eve party. Oliver helps her through her hangover. https://archiveofourown.org/works/13237731
The Heist by @wrldtravler​ - Here’s a cute little high school Olicity AU drabble that popped into my head based on some prompts https://wrldtravler.tumblr.com/post/168961333837/the-heist
Lost and Found multichapter Complete by @it-was-a-red-heeler​ - Mayor Queen asks his bodyguard to find a mystery woman, and inadvertently sets John Diggle up for an adventure. https://archiveofourown.org/works/12126795/chapters/27504684
Love and Little Cupcakes multi-chapter Complete by @christinabeggs​ - Felicity loved sweets so much that she paid no attention to her lovelife. Until Thea Queen came into her store wanting fabulous cupcakes for her sixteenth birthday. SO ADORABLE! http://archiveofourown.org/works/12400539/chapters/28216053
We Ended as Lovers multi-chapter WIP by @smkkbert​ - Three years ago, Felicity’s life was perfect. She was offered a job at two great companies. Her boyfriend just started his own fashion label, and they picked a perfect apartment to live in together. The more heartbroken she was when Oliver got cold feet and it all ended. Now, Felicity is coming back to Starling City, well aware that she is destined to run into her ex-boyfriend there. While old feelings revive quickly, the pain still goes deep. Besides, for some reason Oliver seems to be angry with her. https://archiveofourown.org/works/22034827/chapters/52587292
A King of Heroes multi-chapter WIP by @geneshaven​ - a fantasy version of Arrow with Oliver as a Prince!  https://geneshaven.tumblr.com/post/189976017469/a-king-of-heroes
People Always Leave by riverwoodhills - "Because if you're gonna leave me, I'd rather you just do it!" He thinks he might throw up. He's pretty sure that with that one sentence, she's just ripped his heart out and stabbed it, set it on fire, blown it up. He doesn't even know what to say. She thought he was going to leave her. Pain ripples through his body, his mind in shambles. He wants to sweep her into his arms, reassure her with everything he has that she's his forever, that there's nothing in this world he wants more than to love her for the rest of his life. He doesn't even know if that would be enough, or if that's what she needs. It's what he needs, but he has to think about her now, so he starts with words. OR Oliver and Felicity talk about the William situation like adults and Oliver realizes that Felicity still has lasting issues stemming from her father that she may have for the rest of her life https://archiveofourown.org/works/22043128
New Year's Eve by flipflops - The much requested follow-up to Last Christmas. https://archiveofourown.org/works/22056895
A Promise of What's to Come by @blondeeoneexox​ - Oliver asks Felicity to a New Year's Eve mayoral gala. He didn't expect what was coming next. Set in Season 5. https://archiveofourown.org/works/22058332
Elizabeth Grace Smoak multi-chapter WIP by @lynn8828​ - What if Felicity and Oliver briefly had met before he got on the Gambit? Despite her best efforts, Felicity was unable to get in contact with the famous Oliver Queen after having a one night stand with him and getting pregnant with his child. After raising their child for five years after finding out that Oliver died on the Gambit, she finds out he is alive and knows that she needs to tell him about their daughter. But will he believe her? AMAZING STORY!! http://archiveofourown.org/works/13639371/chapters/31322715
2315 N. Highbury Ave. multi-chapter WIP by @cruzrogue​ - Overnight Felicity becomes homeless and she keeps this from Oliver because their friendship is strained and he’s already stressed out enough. Its only a matter of time that some bottled-up feelings will come to the surface. https://archiveofourown.org/works/21447388/chapters/51108508
It's in the Air multi-chapter WIP by @emmilynestill​ - December 23, 2016. It’s Mayor Queen’s first holiday party and love is in the air. No, wait, that’s tension in the air. Bitterness. Regret. Painful longing for one’s former love. Awkward interactions with current significant others. A little humiliation mixed in. Yup, this was one great party. Then the gas came. Maybe love was in the air Afterall. Just my usual lock Oliver and Felicity in a room with a mind-altering substance with a dash of holiday magic thrown in. And, by magic, I mean Sex Pollen. And maybe a little Truth Serum to stir things up. https://archiveofourown.org/works/21552481
Leaving by @tangled23works​ - Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak have been married for 18 months when she finds the courage to ask for a divorce. For some reason, her husband is adamantly against that. He tries to keep her close because he thinks they belong together. She tries to keep him away because she thinks they have nothing in common. https://archiveofourown.org/works/22085614
// @emmaamelia95 // @mel-loves-all // @oliverfel4 // @green-arrows-of-karamel // @coal000 // @miriam1779 // @memcjo// @captainolicitysbedroom // @tdgal1 // @spaztronautwriter // @lalawo1// @quiveringbunny // @wrongshipper // @thebookjumper// @vaelisamaza // @myhauntedblacksoul // @lovelycssefan // @laurabelle2930 // @laxit21 // - let me know if you want to be tagged or untagged! 
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harryandmolly · 6 years
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like the back of my hand - 2020-2021 (final)
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Summary: a relationship within a collection of moments
Warnings: language, NSFW, light BDSM
Word count: a hefty 12k
January 7th, 2020
“C’mon, if I don’t get pics of the boy, I at least want pics of the car,” she whines, shivering a little when she feels Shawn’s hand brush over her inner thigh. He’s looking down at her skin fondly, tracing her stretch marks. She reaches up and tangles her fingers in the back of his hair, making him smile wistfully.
“Google BMW i8. It’s white,” Lauren responds with a nervous giggle.
She takes her hand back from Shawn’s hair with a mumble of protest from him. She obeys Lauren’s instructions and gasps into the phone. Shawn glances over and does the same.
“This is his fucking car?!” Shawn whines.
“Yo, dude, is he loaded?!” Lilly cries.
“I know, it’s crazy, people like, wave when he drives around in it.”
“That is the sexiest car I’ve ever seen,” Shawn declares, squinting at it on the screen, “Does it have gull wing doors?”
“Yep,” Lauren confirms. Shawn’s grip tightens on Lilly’s thigh. She exhales sharply and looks down. He tilts his glance up to her devilishly. She watches his face as his fingers dance closer to the apex of her thighs. Her breathing shudders. She lifts the phone away from her mouth, but it doesn’t matter, she doesn’t know what Lauren is saying anyways.
“He asked me to be his girlfriend,” Lauren giggles. Lilly does hear that, managing to look away from Shawn as he runs his middle finger down the center of her thin Hershey’s Kisses boxers.
“Oh, Lo, yay! We have a boyfriend!” Lilly squeals, smiling up at Shawn. He nods placatingly, focusing on the task at hand. He traces the trail of skin above her boxers, dipping just his fingertips underneath.
Suddenly, he rolls on top of her, his body covering her legs. She slaps a hand over her mouth, listening carefully as Lauren tells the story of her new boyfriend’s family barbeque. Meanwhile, Shawn busies himself by tugging at the waistband of her shorts until she lifts her hips obediently. He pulls them off and kisses a jagged, wet line up the inside of her right leg until his face is above her underwear. She’s breathing heavy again and running a hand through her hair.
“Lo, babe, I’m sorry, I gotta call you back later. Shawn’s face is literally between my legs and I can’t concentrate. Ok. Bye.”
She hangs up as Shawn’s surprised laugh bubbles up from deep in his chest. “I can’t believe you just told her that.”
She shrugs, “You know how we are. Plus, you started this, bucko. You got turned on by a car.”
He nods, lowering his lips to her center that has partially soaked through her pink and white striped panties. “Fair.”
++++++++++
January 18th, 2020
She holds Shawn’s hand tighter as they round the corner and he knows it’s more for her than it is for him. Her other hand is separating some hair out over the front of her shoulder and tightening the line of her lipstick around her mouth. He snickers.
“Stop primping,” he orders, widening his eyes at her playfully.
“I just want to make a good impression on your friend,” she teases, bumping his upper thigh with her hip. He shakes his head and lets go of her hand in favor of swinging an arm around her shoulders. He tells himself it’s not possessive.
Niall is standing toward the back of the green room with a Stella in one hand and gesturing animatedly with the other. Lilly thinks it feels Irish in here, but maybe it’s just because she likes the idea of that. Childish Gambino is playing from the speakers but is only barely audible above the rowdy room. Since it’s LA, the guest list is larger than usual and there are more friends around. Lilly is prepared to wait her turn to talk to the Irish prince, but Shawn, ever so politely, moves them up to walk right into Niall’s story as he finishes telling it.
He’s shorter than she imagines, probably because she’s used to toting around Shawn the jolly green giant. His hair is done for the show and he’s in smartly tailored grey trousers and a navy short-sleeved button up. His attention falls to them immediately. Lilly’s heart smashes against her ribs when his big blue eyes turn on her.
“Ay!” he chirps, looking up from her face to Shawn’s. Shawn releases her to complete the bro hug transaction before holding Lilly out as an offering.
“This is Lilly, my girlfriend. You probably guessed that,” Shawn chuckles awkwardly, unsure how this interaction is supposed to go. Niall puts his fan face on and reaches out for a hug.
“Nice to meet ya, thanks for comin’, love.”
“Thanks for having us,” she says, managing to keep her voice level. His eyes are so blue. She suddenly has an unwelcome flash of her history of stanning Niall from her carrot days shrieking at their cover of “Use Somebody” on the Up All Night tour to imagining him sweeping her off her feet while she backpacked across Europe after graduating college.
“So you’re “Her,”” Niall giggles, tilting his head at Shawn with a dare in his eyes. Shawn laughs.
“I am she,” she confirms, face going red.
“’S a great album. Or, what I’ve heard of it. I’m so stoked to do the song. Have you heard it yet?” he asks her. Another flash of a video she has on her phone of him doing the famous crotch grab during “Heart Attack” in Boston.
“She hasn’t heard any of it,” Shawn pipes up, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear as it got stuck in her bright pink lipstick. Niall’s eyebrows shoot up, interested.
“Because I want to be surprised. I want to hear it all when it’s done. I want to sit down with my man and a bottle of wine and cry through the whole thing,” she laughs, reaching up to lace her fingers with Shawn’s on her shoulder.
“You’re not even going to listen to the singles when they drop?”
She shakes her head, looking back at Niall with a giggle in her throat.
“Wow, that’s… actually really romantic,” Niall admits with a bob of his head, tugging back a sip of beer, “So Shawn tells me you’re a Directioner.”
Shawn grins, ready for “let’s embarrass Lilly” time. Lilly huffs a sigh, nibbling her lower lip before she remembers the pigment she doesn’t want on her teeth while meeting one of her heroes.
“I… dabbled,” she jokes hopelessly, unable to sell it, “Huge fan. Crazy fan. I mean, I never stalked you at airports and stuff but, y’know…”
Shawn’s shaking his head, his chest rumbling behind her. She’s making it worse than he imagined. Niall’s used to it and pleased to hear it at a normal volume and from a pretty girl.
“We’ll get back in the saddle again, I promise you.” He nudges her arm and she swears she’s on fire.
He offers them drinks and she’s surprised by how much attention they’re getting given how many other people probably came to see him. Niall asks about DC, about college, about LA. He asks a couple curious questions about how she felt about the album morphing into a concept album about their relationship. She doesn’t give her usual PC answer.
“It’s a little scary. I’ve told him this. God forbid we break up and there’s just this… ode to me hanging over his head for the rest of his career.”
Niall nods. “’S brave. Also a good reason not to break up.”
She looks over her shoulder to Shawn who is enjoying seeing her like this. She blows him a kiss. He winks at her.
“Not worried about it right now,” she admits, cocking her head at Niall and laughing to herself. If her 16-year-old self could see her now…
“You two are adorable,” Niall murmurs a little wistfully. Lilly blushes hard, nodding.
“I’m the luckiest woman alive.” She says it with a sincerity that rocks her own boat a little. She’s sort of glad Shawn’s engaged in conversation elsewhere.
The pre-party gets the wrap-up signal from Niall’s tour manager. As people are saying their last goodbyes, Shawn reaches out for Niall’s arm. “Hey man, can we take a picture?”
Niall agrees quickly and they nudge Lilly in between them. Shawn hands his phone off and they take a few.
“God, I hope my face isn’t beet red, my heart is pounding. Fuck, my inner teenager is having a fit,” she admits, ducking her head in shame at Niall. He bursts out laughing at her honesty and brings her into his arms. He rocks her gently as she covers her face. Shawn takes more pictures.
“Thanks again for comin’, enjoy the show. I’ll see ya soon. We should go out when we record the song, yeah?”
Lilly nods eagerly, waving at him as he’s swept away for pre-show rituals. She turns back to Shawn, shaken and taking deep breaths.
“You did pretty good, I’ve definitely seen worse,” he teases, pulling her in for a kiss. It’s quick and gentle because they’re still around people. She swipes the color off his lower lip as he makes a face.
“Bad choice of lip color, sorry,” she murmurs.
“Had to look good to meet your mans,” he shoots back, looking smug instead of threatened.
“I can’t believe I just met him, I could cry,” she squeaks, pressing her face into his chest, “I’m going to feel the aftershocks of this star-strike for weeks.”
Shawn laughs and leads her toward the group of green room-goers that are being led to their VIP section. They spend the concert in each other’s arms and he forgets for a while how big her crush on Niall is until Niall spots them in the crowd and waves. She tightens up against him and almost actually swoons. Later that night, she sucks him off and he comes so hard he tears up.
+++++++++
March 22nd, 2020
Shawn’s been gone for two weeks doing album press so when he gets home, Lilly wants to show him a good time. She’s been dreaming about making him squirm underneath her, willing him to submit even though he’s got over a foot of height and at least 40 pounds of muscle on her. She doesn’t know if he’d be into it but her dreams are hers and they make her miss him even more.
When he walks in the door to his condo, she’s waiting for him at the top of the stairs. She doesn’t get a word out before he’s swinging her up over his shoulder and racing for the bedroom.
“Guess what I finished reading on the plane?” he pants, tossing her roughly on the mattress. Her eyes blow wide open.
“The Windflower?”
He nods, a look of sleepy lust on his face as he starts tugging at the buttons of his shirt. She makes a low whining noise and sits up to start at his belt buckle. He removes her hands gently but purposefully. She looks up and audibly gasps at the simmer in his eyes.
“No, my little windflower, tonight you’re mine to ravish.”
On anyone else’s lips, the words would sound cheesy and hollow. Maybe she just missed him too much. But when he says it, her head falls back a little, overwhelmed.
“Oh my god, you’ve got to be kidding me,” she purrs. When she musters the strength to look back up, he’s shedding his jeans and staring at her like a starving man. She whimpers.
He reaches for her feet and pulls her down the bed to him. He drops one leg to the mattress and she’s so in shock that she bounces a little, boneless and all too willing for him. He lifts her delicate foot to his lips, pressing his mouth to the tattoo on her cool skin. She closes her eyes, relishing the feeling of his detailed attentions, giggling when his teeth graze the soft flesh under her knee cap. When she opens her eyes again, he’s there hovering over her, hands planted on either side of her head.
“You’d make a very sexy pirate lord,” she comments, embarrassed by her ragged breath. He gives her a lopsided grin.
“Thank you, milady.” With that, he lowers his body onto hers and gets to work, making her feel every inch the lady she is.
Later that afternoon, when the sun is hot even through the curtains and they’ve abandoned the sheets in favor of lying naked together above the blankets, she looks up at him. He’s lying there looking like the goddamn statue of David, all curls and bone structure and hard-earned muscle. She runs a finger down his thigh to get his attention. He looks up from his study of the pillow under his arm and smiles placidly at her.
“What do you like, Shawn?”
He looks surprised. “Hmm?”
“We’ve spent months exploring my sexuality. And I realize now I don’t think I’ve really asked you what you like.”
He swallows, going just a shade pink. “I dunno. I like you.”
She breathes a laugh against her resting place on his stomach and watches the muscles contract deliciously.
He chews on the inside of his lip. It’s true, their crusade had been pretty centered around her. She was entirely in control of every situation, guiding him to please her as she became ready, unfurling in his hands like soft ribbon. He had never been a part of something like that before, that careful exploration, simplified and broken down to such innocence that kind of took his breath away. He was happy to be there for her that way, but he found something in himself he didn’t know was there.
He liked being at her disposal. He liked her using his body and his love to find herself. In fact, as she found herself, he did the opposite. He got lost in it and that clouded lack of focus somehow brought him clarity. He didn’t have to do anything other than be there and watch – he didn’t have to make decisions or voice opinions. This process of theirs wasn’t meant to be for him, but it served him, nonetheless.
“I like… being there for you. I like—” he stops to take a deep, shuddering breath, “I really like being under your control.”
The words stop her in her tracks. She keeps her eyes down on the plane of his chest, tracing her fingers up the inside of his arm to watch the muscles twitch. She blinks. She likes it, too.
“Has that been something you’ve tried before?” she asks, rolling her head so her chin is propped up on his sternum. He brushes his fingertips through the hair at her crown.
“No. I mean, a little. There were… maybe two one night stands where I took a back seat. But nothing like what we’ve been doing. I… really like what we’ve been doing.”
She lets her eyes graze over the large, gorgeous man underneath her, feeling him shiver under the weight of her gaze. When she reaches his face, he’s vulnerable and honest and she wants to swim in it.
“Do you want me to take care of you, Shawn?” she asks him quietly, feeling her heart race against his stomach. His breath catches. He nods.
She carefully lifts herself off his torso, tracing the rosy pattern her weight leaves against his skin. He lies there still, waiting for her. She’s deciding how to proceed when he clears his throat.
“Do you… I mean, would you want to tie up my hands?”
Her eyes snap up to his. The same vulnerability has multiplied. His heart is resting in her hands. She nods eagerly.
“Is that ok?” she whispers.
“Yes, please.”
She pushes herself off the bed on both hands. He goes to sit up and stops when her hard blue eyes meet his. “Stay there.”
He swallows and lies back down. She wanders naked into his closet where she’s left some things over the last few months. She pulls a short black satin robe off the hanger and slides it on, flipping her waist-length hair out from under the sheer lace back. She pads back out and finds him where she left him. She bites her lip, a little drunk on the power.
As she meanders back to the bed, slowly to make him sweat a little, she starts tugging on the black satin sash that tickles her legs until it releases from the rope’s loops and rests in her hands.
“This ok?” she asks him. He croaks something in assent, feeling the blush percolate under his skin when she reaches the edge of the bed. She climbs up on her knees and he admires the taut skin over well-worked muscle of her thick thighs. He finds his hand brushing up against the outside of her leg. She quirks a grin.
“Touch me now, babe, because you won’t be able to for a while.”
His heart stomps against his ribs. He giggles shyly and takes his hand back, lifting his arms over his head before she has to ask him. She looks pleased with his willingness. She scoots up the bed to cross his wrists over one another, looping the soft fabric around a couple times before she begins fastening the ends to the wooden headboard. He tilts his head back to watch, growing even a little harder at the sight of himself in restraints. He wonders if she’s wet yet and realizes with a short groan that he won’t know until she wants him to.
She leaves the robe on and climbs over him, straddling his hips, watching his body heave with the effort of his labored breath. She starts with her curious fingers, tracing patterns around his hairline, down his temples, massaging gently. His eyes shut and his lips part. He feels her nails graze over the end of his nose, making him smile until her fingers dance over his lips. Instinctively, he opens his mouth and her ring and middle finger drop in to the knuckle. He lavishes them with his tongue, opening his eyes to see her shocked and a little shaky with arousal as she perches over him.
“Holy shit,” she mumbles weakly, eyebrows pulling together at the sight of him like this, all pink and breathy and willing and sucking on her fingers. She lets him for as long as she can stand it, taking her hand back and shifting her legs down his lap. His cock is hard and waiting for her on his stomach, but she has a long way to go and a lot to admire before she’ll get there.
She drags her wet lips down from his temple to his jaw, hearing him pant in her ear while she traces the throbbing vein in his neck to where it disappears under his collarbone.
“Can I mark you up?” she whimpers. His eyes slam shut, brow wrinkling at the tone of her voice.
“Uh huh.”
She lets her whims guide her, leaving rosy ovular shapes wherever she feels like it – on his left shoulder, the inside of his right bicep, the ridge of muscle where his pectoral meets his ribcage. She leaves no inch of skin unloved, but now he thinks she’s completely lost in him and he has to start begging her or he’s gonna lose it.
“Baby, please,” he moans, shuddering when her fingers again bypass his aching length as they venture up his inner thigh to his belly button. The darkness of her eyes when her gaze snaps up to his makes him realize she was not lost, not at all. She was careful and calculated and he should’ve known. He knows her meticulous nature as well as his own.
She does get curious, though, and runs a fingertip so lightly down the underside of his cock that, if he wasn’t so absolutely fucked for her, he might not even feel it. As it is, the air whistles out his nose. He looks down to watch her sink her teeth into his inner thigh, sliding her tongue against the skin. He cries out, rutting up hard into nothing. She plants her hands on his hips and shoves down, pinning him.
“It’s ok, baby, I’ve got you,” she assures him, her voice secure and level. His head falls back and he stares up at his wrists, bound for her.
She leaves soft, plucking kisses over his intercostal muscles while her hand whispers down over his hot skin to wrap around the base of his dick. He gasps at the contact and bucks up into her hand a little. She raises an eyebrow at him, her lips pursed.
“Sorry,” he croaks, shaking his head a little, “Sorry.”
She runs the pad of her thumb up the same trail she took before, shifting her hand to grip the head and squeeze. He turns his face into his arm and mumbles unintelligible profanities.
Suddenly, her hand is gone and she’s holding his shoulders for leverage as she repositions her body up over him. He’s blinking, wondering if he could really be so lucky as to—
The thought cuts off hard and cold in his brain when she lowers herself so her core, soaked and ready for him, rests on his cock.
“Oh, Lil,” he moans helplessly, feeling his toes curl.
She flicks her hips so her wetness swipes up and back down again, too quickly for any real relief. He’s gasping air desperately and she’s got her hands planted on his chest for support as she watches herself tease him. He’s being so good, keeping his hips on the bed even though she can see him straining for release.
“Are you ok?” she whispers, tilting her head at him. His wide eyes, all pupil now, look up into hers. He nods gently, assuring her it’s not too much, that he trusts her, that he wants this.
After a few more teasing strokes, Lilly getting the stimulation she craves from grinding her clit on his length, she knows she can’t stop herself anymore. She sits up on her knees and takes him by the base again, positioning him at her entrance.
They both watch, entranced, as her body accepts the tip of his cock. As she inhales, he exhales. She clenches around the head experimentally.
“Oh my fucking god,” he hisses, body tensing. She slides down another inch and does the same. By the same he’s fully sheathed in her, he’s hiccupping swears into his arm.
She takes what she needs from him, sliding up and down slowly at first, getting used to him filling her out as beautifully as he does.
“God, Shawn, you feel amazing.”
He whimpers in return, still so obedient, putty in her hands. She thrusts faster, digging her knees into his mattress and throwing her head back. He watches her hair soar, catching the light and throwing gold strands over her arms. It doesn’t last, though, because she’s lurching forward to change angles and press her chest to his as she fucks him and her hair falls forward again to tickle his stomach, adding to the overwhelming litany of sensations.
“Lilly, Lil, please, I’m gonna come.”
She moans at the raspy growl his words take on. She lifts her face from the crook of his neck and that devilish look from before is back and better than ever.
“Not before me, you’re not.”
She swings down on him with purpose, racing for the finish line. He’s immersed in watching her until she stills her hips, mouth falling open as her eyes snap shut.
“Oh, oh Shawn!”
He’s reeling from her pleasure and isn’t ready when the wave of his orgasm knocks him down under her. He screams and it’s like nothing she’s ever heard. He’s out of control now, hips bucking wildly up against her until she loses her balance on his chest and flattens on top of him. As he roils beneath her, she hastens to untie him, unable to stand the absence of his hands anymore. As soon as he’s loose, he rips his hands from the constraints and holds her fast against him. The storm has passed but he’s twitching and sputtering breath and she’s soothing him as much as she can with soft pecks against his neck and warm caresses down his arms.
He falls silent and she lifts herself away, smiling at the noise of discontent they both automatically make at the loss of contact. She stumbles into the bathroom for a damp washcloth, cleaning herself up and making her way back to him to do the same.
He’s never felt more satiated in his life as he lies there limp, watching her wipe him up. She tosses the washcloth away, making a “swish” sound when it lands in his hamper. He barely has the energy to chuckle.
She’s perched next to him, cross-legged and flushed from head to toe, eyes sparkling.
“Was that too much?” she asks, resting a hand on his chest. He flinches a little and her eyes dart to his.
“That was so perfect,” he promises, “Thank you. Thank you for… doing that for me.”
“I really enjoyed that, if you couldn’t tell,” she chuckles, folding herself down beside him and resting her head inside his arm.
“I have a question,” he murmurs after a few minutes of comfortable silence.
“Shoot.”
“Do you still have your Catholic school uniform?”
++++++++++
May 16th, 2020
She’s plucking curiously at his 1959 Taylor, sitting on the edge of the air mattress, the only thing left in her room. He’s leaning on the mantle of her fireplace looking around at the naked walls and clean floors. He sighs and slides his phone back in his pocket, pitching himself off the wall to climb onto the bed behind her. He cradles her between his legs and smiles at the memory of the first time they sat like this and the electricity he felt positioning her fingers to play his song.
He hears what’s supposed to be “Surface,” one of her favorites that didn’t make the cut for his upcoming album. It doesn’t sound the same because she doesn’t know the notes and can’t play the instrument. He likes watching her anyway. When she exhales and goes to move the guitar out of her lap, he latches onto it, trapping her between himself and the instrument. He sits up straighter and slides an arm around her hips to drag her flush against his chest. He starts playing around her, feeling her laugh as the guitar’s vibrations sing through her torso.
She tilts her head back onto his shoulder and watches his face as he mouths the words and head bobs his way through the melody he worked so hard on. When the last note fades out, she noses at his jaw for attention and greedily accepts the kiss he offers.
“Last night in your house,” he whispers, his eyes wandering the room again.
She’s quiet for a minute. “Is it ok that I’m sad?”
He nods. “You get sad when the landscapers cut the coconuts off the palm trees by the pool. I’m surprised you’re not sobbing into my chest.”
She half-smiles wistfully. “Everything happened here. I took a little tiny life in Virginia and brought it out here and it grew and grew into something… something I know that I could tell my 13-year-old self about and she’d be so fuckin’ proud of me.”
He moves the guitar off her thighs and cuddles her close.
“She’s not the only one,” he murmurs into her neck, kissing a fading mark he left there days ago.
They make love on the air mattress that night and Lilly cries a little as he snuggles her to sleep. They wake up, make one last batch of coffee in the French press she’s broken half a dozen times and he sits downstairs and finishes packing her suitcase while she shares an emotional goodbye with her roommates of the last two years. Sammi will be by to help unpack tomorrow with her new boyfriend that Lilly and Shawn haven’t gotten to grill yet. The others will be women she knows she won’t see again soon.
They pack up the last few Goodwill bags and leave her key inside. He drops her suitcase in her trunk and walks back up to find her staring at the empty pool, clutching the wing of the gold dragon in her hand, looking studious. He notes the slice of thin plastic superglued to a hole in the wing she repaired on the day of the 4th of July party.
“That was a good patch, it held for two years,” he points out. She nods listlessly.
“I love this pool,” she whispers, her voice cracking.
“I know.”
“This pool brought me you.” She covers her mouth as the tears gather heavy in her eyes. He stands beside her at the edge and threads a hand in the back of her hair. He rubs her scalp gently as she tries to compose herself.
“Hey, I have an idea.”
She looks over at him as he shuffles his phone out of his pocket and opens the camera app.
“Let’s take a selfie in front of the pool, where it all started.”
Her heart swells. She nods and steps in next to him as he decides on the best angle. After some muttering and shifting, he pulls her into his chest by her shoulders, arm wrapped over her hair securely. He holds the phone high to catch as much of the pool in the background as possible. They smile and though she complains her eyes are red with tears, they agree it’s cute. He posts it on Instagram with the caption: this pool’s been good to us. Peace out, Burbank!
He decides to wait until they’re at their new house in Hollywood to tell her he’s already inflated the replica of the golden dragon he ordered. It’s waiting for them in their new pool.
++++++++++
Rolling Stone Magazine, June 2020
My first thought upon entering the warm and comfortable, but still sprawling Hollywood Hills home is this: Shawn Mendes has got it made.
At 21-years-old, he has four multiplatinum records under his belt and has played for over 120,000 people at once in festivals thousands of miles away from his hometown of Pickering, Ontario. It’s a far cry from his start covering artists like Ed Sheeran and John Mayer on the now-defunct 6-second video app, Vine.
But what he’s really enthusiastic about right now is this house. He greets me at the door in his now signature second skin-like black jeans and a Maple Leafs t-shirt. He’s built and beautiful, his face cherubic in its innocent perfection, and it’s easy to see why he leaves a mob of shrieking girls in his wake wherever he goes.
He gives me the grand tour and it is stunning. I comment on how remarkably put together it looks, considering how recently he and his girlfriend moved in. He’s proud of that and offers little anecdotes about hanging art and moving furniture as we make our way through the 6 bedroom home. I might’ve expected something more outrageous for a 21-year-old pop star, a la Justin Bieber, but knowing Shawn for five minutes gives me enough context to understand he wouldn’t go for that.
I see hints of her, one of the main reasons I’m here, throughout the house – a tiny pair of gold flip flops by the pool, family photos of a smiley strawberry blonde in Disney World, a box of nail polish on a coffee table. She is conspicuously absent as Mendes’s team warned me she would be. When I asked him about it, he doesn’t hesitate to explain.
“She’s busy, she works a real job with real hours,” he laughs, settling into a very comfortable but expensive looking sofa overlooking their pool deck. He sets a gorgeous acoustic guitar in his lap and fiddles with it, “She also doesn’t feel the need to be a big part of the press for all this. She doesn’t want to become a personality for the sake of the album.”
Titled “Her,” it’s a 24-track concept album in chronological order according to the events of their relationship, separated into acts by locations: Burbank, Barcelona and Malibu. Simplified, the album weaves a tale of a slow-burn romance. He met her at a 4thof July party at her house and was swept off his feet immediately. She shut him down, politely and sweetly, he promises, and their friendship blossomed. Eventually, inevitably, it became something more.
When asked about the acts as told by locations, he smiles.
“That was her idea, actually. I wanted a way to sort of map things out and I liked the idea of dividing the relationship on the album into meeting, friendship and love. She pointed out that certain significant things for us have happened in certain places. She was living in Burbank when we met and I didn’t have a place in LA so when I was in town, I was usually hanging out with her there. Then she visited me on tour in Barcelona, which is when we got together. And Malibu, Malibu was the tough one because early on in our friendship, we drove out there to the beach and had this, like, perfect day. And we kept going back every chance we got. So Malibu representing the current state of our relationship feels right because that’s our favorite place.”
This album is the ultimate love letter from Mendes to his girlfriend, Lilly Parker, 26, a native of Northern Virginia who transplanted to Los Angeles only weeks before meeting Mendes. Heart-rending without being lovesick or melodramatic, he says this album challenged his storytelling skills in a way that pays homage to her.
“She’s a writer, too, actually. A lot of short stories and a few screenplays.” He says it with a proud, if smitten, smile.
Like his last album, “Her” embraces a mix of genres, touching on Sheeran-y love ballads, blazing rock anthems and funky R&B. His beating heart is emblazoned in song (on CD and vinyl and, of course, your digital retailers) with unapologetically honest lyrics about falling in love with his best friend. I asked him what her reaction was when he admitted to writing more than an album’s worth of songs about her when they weren’t even an item yet.
“It was scary. I didn’t want her to feel guilty about it. She knew from the beginning of our friendship that all she had to do was say the word and that would be it, I’d be all in. It was kind of a weird power imbalance that I know bummed her out. But she was ok with it [the album]. I could tell she was curious about what the tone of it was, if it was broody and tortured, but she didn’t really ask. She just said she looked forward to hearing it.”
Mendes has been a sex symbol for the One Direction set since 2016 but this album has made him a romantic hero. Beyond the ins and outs of their relationship, every song gives us a piece of Parker to the point where Mendes’ fans, the self-appointed Mendes Army, feel like they know her as well as they know him. If he is their king, she is their queen, greeting her subjects through the medium of Instagram Stories that range from her babbling about breaking her beloved French press to thanking them whole-heartedly for supporting her boyfriend’s career. Having waded through dozens of these saved into compilation videos on YouTube, she is clearly as genuine as he is.
Their other window into her life, of course, is through Mendes. He writes about her earnestly and in a way that isn’t entirely through a love-drunk lens. He writes about her own insecurities, specifically her challenges with an eating disorder, in a way that is both respectful and completely selfless.
“Her” plays like a romantic movie with an ending that will break the hearts of all Mendes’ young female fans because he is very much off the market. He’s downright domestic at this point. She calls him as we’re wrapping up the first meeting of our interview to ask what he wants to order for dinner. He looks as enchanted as the day they first met and tells her he was just talking about her. I get the sense he tells her that pretty often.
+
When I return to the Mendes-Parker home, she’s there to answer the door. Barefoot and bare-faced, she’s as likeable as she seems without an ounce of falseness. We chat easily as she leads me to the pool deck where Shawn is on a patio chair strumming a battered acoustic. She has lemonade and lunch ready – her Italian father’s lasagna recipe – and I ask her if her hospitality is a result of her southern upbringing.
“Oh, no, not at all. I don’t consider myself southern. No, this came out of the Reese Witherspoon playbook. Doing stuff like this makes me feel like a grown-up, which appeals to me now that we have a house and everything,” she responds, gesturing to her cheat sheet, a hardback copy of “Whiskey in a Tea Cup,” Witherspoon’s 2018 lifestyle release.
“We tried to throw a grown-up dinner party last week, too,” Mendes says with a chuckle. She laughs at the memory and plants herself on the armrest of his chair. They graciously let me in on their inside joke.
“It started out very adult-y. We had wine in decanters and appetizers and stuff. And then it devolved into a drunken pool party,” Parker explains with an eye-roll.
Their shared childlike exuberance over getting to play house is very endearing. Despite their age difference, they rest on the same plane of emotional maturity that, with the exception of their use of words like “grown-up” and “adult-y” is beyond their respective years.
Parker, to her credit, seems exceedingly normal in a very stable, raised-well-on-the-East-Coast sort of way. She’s not around a lot during my time with Mendes because she works a steady job as an assistant in film production. She lends backing vocals on “In Her Skin” and even boasts writing credits on “Purple” but when she says she has no musical ambition at all, you believe her. She drives a 2016 Jetta, wears Vans and is so polite you assume upon meeting her she must be Canadian, too. It’s not hard to see why they’re compatible.
While we eat our delicious homemade lunch, I ask about their routines. Predictably, they explain that it depends heavily on his schedule. When he’s away, she has a tight-knit group of friends to call on so the house doesn’t feel quite so large and empty. When he’s in town, they are homebodies. They admit to venturing to hip new restaurants on occasion (she’s a lifelong foodie and converting him) but rarely hit up bars or clubs. Their favorite activity is roadtripping out to Malibu where they have their favorite spots and beaches and no, they won’t tell me where.
Looking around, I can see why they don’t leave the house often. It’s in a quiet, not-too-flashy neighborhood. It’s private without being completely withdrawn.
“I sit out here and write all the time,” Mendes says, gesturing around him to their tastefully elegant pool deck.
“We both do,” Parker pipes up. She nods to a set of chairs on the other end of the deck. “He’s there with the guitar, I’m here with the laptop and we ignore each other.”
Mendes laughs and agrees.
Parker excuses herself after lunch. She offers me a warm hug and explains her best friend is flying into LAX and she’s off to pick her up. She leaves Mendes with a peck on the cheek and a lingering look of affection that stirs something even in my old, cold heart. Below is the rest of my interview with Mendes.
Writer: So why a concept album?
Mendes: There are plenty of other things I could’ve written about. I have a ton of songs I have written that aren’t about her, or us. And for a while, that was the plan. I was going to write another album of mixed ideas and talk about stuff like touring and running around with my best friends, or about the anxiety that comes with all of this sometimes, kind of more in the same vein of my previous albums. But the songs about her were just… better. I tried to ignore it for a while. It felt like a bad idea at first.
Writer: Because it might not last forever?
Mendes: Partly, yeah. It is something that, god forbid if we ever broke up, it would be this big piece of my music that I couldn’t just shove under a rug and never play anymore. And that could be really painful, to keep playing it and keep revisiting this part of my life. But also because I was worried it might not be that relatable. That’s the thing about making an album with lots of different tones and stories – there can be something for everyone. But when you’re using an album to tell one story, and many sides of that story, about one relationship, I worried people might not get that and might not be into that.
Writer: What made you decide to go for it?
Mendes: Once I had all the songs written and a rough idea of the way the album would work, like with the three acts and the chronology of it, I played it for people. I played it for Camila [Cabello] and Ed [Sheeran] and Niall [Horan] and they all agreed it was the album I needed to release at that time. I told them my concerns and they reminded me that a good story speaks for itself and I shouldn’t question that.
Writer: Another thing that drew a lot of attention to this album was your music video for “In Her Skin.” Whose idea was it to include her in that?
Mendes: The director pitched the treatment and I said no pretty quickly. I didn’t think she’d have any interest in doing that. I was surprised when she said she was up for it.
Writer: Why did she say yes?
Mendes: Well, she also liked the treatment. She saw the vision. She knew it was going to be sexy and beautiful and tasteful and really commemorate us in a nice way.
Writer: What was it like to shoot?
Mendes: Tense at first. It was weird. We were supposed to just be us in bed but on camera. We both had a hard time with it. But Angela, the director, she just dragged us out of our own heads and made us feel really comfortable. I feel like, watching it now, it was exactly what we wanted it to be. It’s really beautiful, she did an amazing job. And now Lil and I have that forever, which is cool.
Writer: You have a tradition of getting a new tattoo to mark the release of each of your albums. Have you gotten your “Her” tattoo yet?”
Mendes: I haven’t, no. I have it planned, though. And before you ask, it’s a surprise, so I won’t tell you.
Writer: Does Lilly know?
Mendes: She doesn’t, no. She wants to be surprised, too. I love surprising her.
++++++++++
July 3rd, 2020
“This stuff smells really good,” she mumbles, rhythmically thumping her heels against his bathroom cabinets as she sits atop the counter. He stands next to her at the sink washing his face. She’s staring at the container in her hand when he emerges from a towel to look at her.
“That’s one of the reasons I like it,” he confirms, taking the container from her.
“Wait,” she says suddenly, narrowing her eyes at him. He stares back at her.
“Can I do your hair?” she giggles, grabbing his arm and guiding him stumbling in between her legs. He holds onto her thighs to right himself, rubbing his thumbs into her sore quads.
“I dunno, Lil, it’s a scientific process and you haven’t had practice.”
“I’ve seen you do it a thousand times. Plus, you don’t have that much hair, it can’t be that hard. C’mere, show me how much of this stuff you use.”
He knows he can’t resist her flights of fancy and he’s about to leave for tour again so having some time dedicated to her running her little hands through his hair doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Shaking his head with a smirk, he drops the container of hair paste in her waiting palms.
“Here,” he offers, dipping his middle finger into the tub and spreading the paste in her palm, “Rub your hands together. Then… just do what I do.”
She follows his instruction and hooks her legs around his waist to pull him in tighter so she has more control. His groin juts into her lower stomach, making her smile and him inhale sharply. He watches her face as she distributes the paste through his curls. She’s making a study of it, starting at the front of his head and running her hands backwards toward his neck. He’s impressed by how closely her movements mirror his – she must watch him more attentively than he realizes. The thought makes him blush. She sees it start on his bare chest and work its way up to his rosy cheeks. Her heart leaps in her chest at the notion that she can still have this effect on him. She decides to take advantage of it.
She slowly leans in toward him, cupping her sticky hands behind his neck and exerting control. His lips part expectantly as she brushes over them. Before he can gain any traction, she’s trailing her mouth up his cheek bone, kissing his closed eyelid. She maps out a route to his eyebrow, up to a little childhood scar at his hairline, down to his left ear, circling back down toward his jawline and hovering over his lips. He releases a shuddering breath like a chuckle, quirking up the corner of his mouth.
“I love you,” he whispers. She closes her eyes and lets the thought infuse her. The tour will be long and she’ll need those words in that voice with this feeling of him here under her hands, at her will.
“I love you more,” she says, the smile evident in her voice, though his eyes are still blissfully shut.
He makes a disapproving noise and hooks his hands under her thighs, lifting her to head back to the bed they just left. She knows she should remind him of their pre-tour to-do list. But now he’s doing that thing on her earlobe with his tongue that makes her forget her own name and definitely makes her forget that he has to do that last load of laundry to finish packing. She sighs, raking at the curls at the back of his neck as he lays her down on their bedspread and she feels so loved and cared for and cherished that it makes some emotion bubble up in her throat. She chokes out a breath and he lifts his attention from her soft ear.
“You ok?” he pants gently, tucking a hand under her neck and smoothing his thumb down her throat.
“’m ok,” she sniffs, “I just… love you. It hurts sometimes. Like it’s trying to bust out of me and I can’t hold it in. I think I only get like this when you’re about to leave again.”
His eyes drop to her necklace and he licks his lips. She doesn’t complain much about his leaving (if you could even call this complaining) because she can see instantly where it goes in his head. He tucks it away and lets it prick at him when he needs it the least. She feels a responsibility to shield him from her pain most of the time. It’s not a big hardship usually, it’s really the beginning and end of tour when it’s hardest. She tries to focus on their resilience when they’re four months into a six month romp and sometimes he can only shoot her one text in the middle of her nighttime and she doesn’t hear his voice for three days but she’s ok and she’s not falling apart. That strength, wherever it comes from, doesn’t come to her right away and it slips through her hands at the end.
Now it’s their last morning waking up together before he’s alone in a bunk or on a private plane, wondering if she’s sleeping in her shirts or his. He presses a tender kiss to her sternum, feeling soft skin over solid bone, reminding him that even though she feels perfectly sturdy and stable beneath him, having him gone for so long is as hard on her as it is on him. He mouths at her chest lovingly, deciding to leave her some marks to make her smile in the mirror over the next few days. She sighs and her hands are back in his hair and he’s pulling at the boxers she’s wearing, smiling until his face hurts when she kicks them off impatiently.
“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” he whispers earnestly into the skin above her belly button. Her abs contract as he noses his way lower, dragging his fingertips inward from her knees down to her quickly spreading inner thighs. He lifts one innocently probing finger to her folds and inhales as she hisses.
He slides further down the bed until he feels his knees fall off the mattress. He’s sitting cross-legged and focused, scooting her down to meet him by pulling on her calves. She giggles a little but is quickly hushed when he brings her level with his face and suddenly all she can feel and think about is his hot breath. She gnaws on her lower lip with anticipation. He takes inventory of what he notices about her like this, this perfect limbo moment between emotional pleasure and sensation. When he’s ready, and can hear her breathing start to break down from excitement, he separates her lips with his tongue and is ready to hold her jumping thighs down. He blinks in surprise when she makes that little “ooh!” sound she does.
He feels his cock stir in his boxers, but it’s a secondary concern. He takes her inner lips into his mouth, suckling gently, moaning a little at the taste of her. She’s quiet, apart from labored breathing, which isn’t unusual for her. When he’s done lavishing her inner labia for the moment, he swipes up around her clit, feeling her tense beneath him again.
“Oh,” she almost cries. He takes another lap around the same circuit, watching her fingers scrunch their sheets in her hand.
He makes his way around once more, adding a sharp flick over her clit. She practically purrs and it stokes his fire. He notices she’s starting to grind into the mattress, so he tucks a thick finger inside her and watches her double back the other direction, back arching off the bed.
“Oh, Shawn,” she moans like it’s the only word she knows. He wants her to hold on but by the looks of it, she’s so close and he doesn’t really want to play with her right now. He just wants whatever she wants. He slides another welcome finger inside and curls them toward her stomach, humming around her clit, which gets it done every time. She’s thrashing and whimpering and he’s watching her like the ending of his favorite movie.
She’s boneless and affectionate when he crawls back onto the bed and over her body, shedding his underwear on his way. She brings him crashing down onto her with a strong hand to his lower back. He makes a hmphf noise into her neck and chuckles, knowing she feels secure with his weight resting on her. He eases off enough to meet her needy lips, relishing the warmth of her tongue and its familiarity. She’s still a little shaky from the power of her orgasm and he’s happy to nibble on her collarbone until she’s ready. In the meantime, he nestles between her legs and brings eager fingers up to toy with her nipples.
She’s sure she’s the luckiest woman on earth. He’s clinging to her like she’s life itself, still not ready to stop pleasuring her in between stellar orgasms. She stares over his shoulder down the firm, hilly plane of his back. She lifts her heels and digs them into his ass. He laughs into her tender, throbbing skin, which will be all shades of bruised in the morning, and brings himself up to kiss her hard. She loops her arms under his and clutches his shoulders as he guides himself into her, swearing when he bottoms out. She wiggles underneath him teasingly as he’s getting ready to start moving. Propped up by his big, beautiful hands, he shoots her a look and she giggles, she actually giggles, and fuck, there’s nothing like being inside a woman when she’s laughing.
She laughs harder at the look of stunned pleasure on his face from the sensation. He latches onto her right leg and hitches it around his hip, driving in hard. She grunts with him, eyes slamming shut, not so cocky now. He grins, giving her another good thrust like he knows she likes. She tips her head, eyes rolling back as her jaw drops. He whimpers innocently at her expression, committing it to memory.
“God, baby, you’re perfect,” he promises her, smacking a wet kiss on her neck as he starts in earnest, letting the sound of sweaty skin meeting skin overtake them.
She’s never been particularly vocal in bed, so he swallows every utterance like a starving man. She’s meeting him thrust for thrust, gripping his shoulders. He knows she knows she’s leaving marks on his back. She likes that. He decides to up the ante, lowering himself onto his elbows so he’s driving his pubic bone into her clit with every stroke. Her head falls back again, this time with a keening whine. He’s so enthralled, he hardly notices himself peel one of her clawing hands off his back and pin it to the bed above her head, his fingers laced with hers. The intimacy draws her back from a plane of solely physical pleasure. It only intensifies her feelings of desire and overwhelming love. His eyelashes are fluttering on his ruddy cheeks. His lips are at her ear so she can hear everything he’s feeling.
“Shawn, I’m close,” she announces. He hears a reluctance in her voice, a tinge of sadness from the notion that this will be one of the last times they get to do this for a while (but, hell, they do have the whole day). He picks up pace and soon, sooner than he’d like because he swears he could go forever for her, she’s bursting like a ripe berry in his arms and he’s soaking her in. Her clenching, stuttering walls milk him for all he’s worth. A few strong swings and he’s stilling his hips against hers, crying out shamelessly into her shoulder.
A few moments after the strongest orgasm he’s had in a while, he feels her stroking through his hair again.
“I totally fucked your hair up.”
++++++++++
May 16th, 2021
“I just think we’re idiots if we don’t tarp it. I’d say if we were here all the time, we would just check the water levels and don’t worry about it but we’re not. It’s fine, ok? They make those easy retractable tarps and they don’t look too awful.”
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, the other hand on the wheel. “That’s fine, babe. I just don’t want to worry about replacing those filters every few months.”
“Agreed,” she hums, settling into her seat and looking out the window as they wind down the tight mountain lane from their new weekend home in Malibu.
It’s early, just past 6am on a Saturday morning. They’re both a little hungover from the night before, having met their friends at their new house off Kanen Rd. for more than a few drinks. She woke him up puttering around their master bedroom searching for her wetsuit in one of the dozens of boxes that surrounded the bed.
He lured her back to bed with a cup of coffee and his assurance that her wetsuit was definitely in that bigger box in the kitchen labeled, rather unhelpfully, “STUFF.” When the coffee was drained, he persuaded her to stay a little longer, digging through her nightstand with one hand while she sucked relentlessly at his pulse point. When he came up with a close replica of that little purple vibrator they once got to know very well, she laughed. He shut her up quickly by flipping it easily into the base of his palm, turning it on with his thumb and pressing it between her legs.
They’re pulling up on the side of the road beside a handful of other cars. He helps her maneuver her longboard down off the Land Rover and argues with her briefly as she determines she can make it down the stairs by herself, of course she can, because he has to get his guitar and the beach bag. He rolls his eyes from the trunk when he hears her bump into a railing and swear. He gathers the beach bag and guitar successfully with one arm and hurries down the cascading concrete steps to hold up the other end of her board, which she acknowledges with a sheepish smile.
“It would be easier if my legs weren’t still shaking from the four orgasms you gave me this morning,” she snickers, glancing over her shoulder at his smug face.
“Orgasms are good for hangovers. It’s science.” She chuckles but doesn’t argue, realizing her head doesn’t hurt much at all anymore.
“You can’t be serious about shipping this thing to Hawai’i,” he comments as they reach the beach and smile at the half dozen or so other people catching surf this early in the morning.
She rolls her eyes and slides the wet suit up over her arms, holding her hair away as she yanks at the zipper. He plants himself on the beach towel he’s spread out and reaches for the bag with his water bottle.
“Buying this board was half the reason we decided to go to Hawai’i this year,” she reminds him, lifting the front end of it into her arms in preparation to head to the water.
“I know, I know,” he sighs placatingly.
“Plus, Mr. “I travel with 14 guitars everywhere I go,” you have no room to complain about my oversized baggage.”
He tips his head back and laughs. “Go get ‘em, Blue Crush.”
She grins at the reference and winks over her shoulder as she marches toward the crashing waves. “Call me if you need inspiration!”
She looks comical rushing out to the water with the longboard taller than she is trailing behind her. She bought it for herself as a “push present,” as she labeled it, for finishing her latest screenplay which is in development talks with a production company in West Hollywood.
He watches with a casual smile as she paddles out looking like something out of a Roxy catalog-inspired wet dream. He reaches for the guitar case and takes out the Martin, plucking aimlessly at it as something nebulously like a song starts forming in his head. He doesn’t bother to tell her as she’s headed for the surf that he doesn’t need her sitting there next to him to be inspired by her, that pretty much just comes with the territory of being her boyfriend. He winces when she takes a dive off the side of the board and feels a rolling sensation in his stomach until she pops back up safely, looking annoyed.
They’re miles from their old favorite haven, Zuma Beach. It wasn’t as good for surfing and word had started to get out that Lilly and Shawn haunted that place like ghosts every opportunity they got. They still go back sometimes either early morning like this or after midnight when they can walk in silence, hold hands and think. She prefers this little cove a guy at the Malibu Surf Shack entrusted her with the location of. It’s surrounded by craggy cliffs, making the descent to the actual beach tricky with any surfboard, much less the mint green vintage longboard she’s been fond of toting around lately. He likes the spot, too, though. It’s quiet and no one seems to mind that he’s always got his guitar. He’s got a whole host of songs ready for the next album, the heavily-anticipated follow-up to “Her.”
He smiles to himself when he considers it may be more of the same if he keeps sitting here staring at her while she frolics in the waves. Writing about her feels like a privilege and he takes every opportunity to do it when the mood strikes.
He turns back to the guitar and starts singing, knowing she can’t hear him from how far out she is, but she’s watching him all the same. He’s looking down at the strings but can feel her gaze as she bobs over the surf, waiting for her wave. She’s got a smile on her face -- he can feel that, too.
After a couple hours, she paddles back in, grinning as he wiggles into his own wet suit to join her. He reaches the water before she’s fully out of it and he helps haul her board back to their spot.
“You looked good out there,” he tells her, knowing he wouldn’t know the difference if she didn’t.
“I’m dying to get you on a surfboard, Shawn,” she sighs, throwing her salty hair over her shoulders and grabbing his hands. She’s pulling him back toward the cold spring Pacific looking mischievous.
“Not gonna happen, babe.”
She huffs and turns away from him, diving under an oncoming wave. He winces at the water temperature and follows her like a drunken sailor after a mermaid. They pop back up on the other side. He’s able to stand but she’s a little over her head. He pulls her in by her arms and wraps her limbs around him. She kisses his cheek and hangs there for a minute while he steadies them against the waves.
When she pulls away from his neck to look at him, they both smile goofily. He lifts a finger to those freckles he still loves on the bridge of her nose, tracing their constellations gently under his callouses. She says nothing and continues running her fingers through his sea-soaked curls, thinking absently he looks like a Beach Boys song.
“I love you,” she reminds him, kissing the pad of his thumb as it rests on her lips.
He grins. “I love you too, Lil.”
+
The real reason they bought this particular house over by Walnut Canyon is because of the tub.
A glamorous jacuzzi tub was not on the list they confirmed with their realtor as “priorities” for the properties they were looking at. It was merely a bonus that came with a house that matched their other, more grown-up requirements -- a three-car garage, a view of the ocean, and Lilly’s various kitchen specifications since she’s begun to fancy herself a Giada De Laurentiis wannabe. But when Shawn saw that tub on the tour of the home, he was a goner. She couldn’t argue with him, really, since he was the one making the actual purchase and she liked the house too, but his effervescent excitement about this tub stumped her.
Now, though, when they stumble in from the beach sometime after lunch at one of the beachside cafes, she’s so grateful for it.
Shawn curls an arm around her waist and kisses her hair, sticky with saltwater and sunscreen runoff. “Can I wash your hair, baby?” he whispers in her ear.
She closes her eyes, smiles and nods. It’s becoming a bit of a routine. They spend hours at the beach mostly away with their thoughts and return home for Shawn to run a bath while Lilly peels out of her wetsuit.
This afternoon, she strolls naked into the bathroom, attempting to brush through her almost waist length hair and struggling. He smiles at her from inside the bath, his chest and cheeks pink from the heat of the water he usually runs a little too hot. 
“Stop, I’ll do that,” he assures her, nodding at her to join him. She hands him the comb and joins him slowly, easing her sore limbs into the water to sit in front of him. He gently tugs at her hips, eager to pull her back against his chest for a few minutes while they acclimate to the heat.
Her eyes flutter as he kisses her neck, nosing at a mark he left a few days ago during their make-up sex after an argument they had about whether or not to attend an event Shawn was too tired for. He wraps his arms around her shoulders and she feels safe closed in against him.
It’s been a long time since she squirmed under his touch with anything but intense arousal. It’s only a memory now, the way she felt that night he got back from tour. Now she knows his body almost as well as her own. This idea occurs to her suddenly, the far away-ness of that time in her life. She turns her head to press a kiss to his jaw.
“D’you remember the day we met?”
He frowns a little, unsure why she’s asking. “Yeah, your 4th of July party. Why?”
She giggles and the water ripples around their interconnected bodies. He motions for her to sit up and she does. He straightens up behind her and starts lathering shampoo in his hands.
“I can't believe I didn’t know who you were,” she whispers with a smile into her knees that are tucked into her chest.
He grins and starts massaging shampoo into the crown of her head. She mewls gently, so easily satisfied by his hands on her scalp.
“If I had, do you think we still would’ve ended up like this?” she asks, turning her head as he reaches the base of her skull.
He shrugs. “I like to think so. Why are you thinking about this now?”
“Just... with what we were talking about the other day. I've been thinking about how far we’ve come since 2018.”
Shawn tries not to physically tighten at her words. One night last weekend when they were at the Malibu house on the couch stretched out, drinking wine and watching The Fast and the Furious for some reason, he mumbled something under his breath about being the one to pick the movies when they get married.
It wasn’t the first time one of them had made some kind of casual comment about their future in their three years together. But Shawn had followed it up rather than kicking it at her and running away, which was their usual pattern.
He looked at her, bleary-eyed and beautiful, and said, “When do you want to get married?”
She flinched visibly and he retreated back into the couch, face going red. She raced after him, yanking at his arm and desperately trying to pull him back out of his embarrassed hole.
“Stop, stop stop!” she whined, shaking her head rapidly and squeezing his arm, “I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. Do... do you actually want to talk about this?”
He stared at her for almost a minute before his face cleared up inauthentically and he shook his head as though she'd just asked him if he wanted an extra order of french fries at In-n-Out. “Nope, that’s ok.”
They were weird until they fell asleep that night on opposite sides of the bed but woke up as though nothing odd had happened at all. Now, a week later, she’s bringing it up again.
“I didn’t mean to freak you out,” he murmurs, holding her weight as he dips her hair back into the water to rinse the shampoo. She stares up at his reverted face, still beautiful upside down.
“You really didn’t freak me out. You just... surprised me. I mean, this is a thing we should talk about,” she reasons, nodding to herself as he scratches at her scalp. He snickers.
“Very convincing,” he mumbles.
“Theoretically, we could have as long an engagement as we want. So it’s really a matter of when we actually want to get married, right?” she continues.
He stops with her head in his hands above his lap. He cocks his head down at her. “So... if I asked you now, you’d say yes?”
Lilly blinks at him, her eyebrows pulling together slightly. “Well... yeah?”
Shawn almost drops her head in the water but manages to pull her back up and start with the conditioner.
“I... uhm... ok. Good to know,” he stumbles, clearing his throat as he works the pasty strawberry scent through the ends of her hair.
“Just don’t do it weird,” she says after a moment.
“Do what weird?”
“The proposal. Don’t... like... oh god, please don’t ask me on stage. God, I’d die. I’d actually fall over and die. No public engagements, please, for the love of god.”
He tugs at her hair, tilting her head back to look at him. “Are you telling me how I am and am not allowed to propose to you?”
She beams. “No. I’m telling you under what circumstances I will say yes.”
He barks a laugh and pulls her back against his chest, her hair half conditioned and smearing on his stomach. She clamps her hands around his forearm as it straps across her sternum. They’re quiet for a second and Shawn smiles.
“What?” she giggles.
“I already know how I’m proposing to you.”
“What?” she asks again, no longer giggling.
He smirks. “I’ve had it worked out for months.”
She’s flabbergasted. “And?”
“And it’s a fucking surprise, Lil, I can’t tell you,” he chuckles, rocking her back and forth in his arms.
“But--”
“No.”
She huffs and leans her head back on his shoulder, eyeing him. He looks placidly determined.
“Fine. I think you should ask me next year, then.”
“Ok,” he agrees with a nod like that falls right into his plan.
“Ok?” she parrots.
“Ok.”
They’re quiet again. He pushes her out from his chest and finishes conditioning her hair, rinsing it under the faucet while he finger combs through it and she starts falling asleep in his hands. Ever so gently, he brushes a wet thumb over her cheek to wake her up, signaling it’s time to get out.
They stand up and dry off without another word, separating to their respective closets to change. They regroup on the bed for a midday nap with Shawn pulling at her drying clumps of hair and humming his favorite from the “Her” album, “Barcelona” under his breath. She passes out on his chest and it’s dreamless and perfect because he’s there and he always will be.
Taglist: @the-claire-bitch-project @crapri @smallerinfinities @blush-and-books @abigfatmess @charliesclout @ashotofblues @kitykatnumber @herecomethefeels @stillinskislydia
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koibichdakhwab · 6 years
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KO-D Blues: The Current DDT Main Event Scene
Anyone who first heard about Cyberagent acquiring DDT back in fall of 2017 knew that change was coming. It often does with acquisitions. Sure, the general understanding was that there would be more capital to float ideas and new projects, bigger paychecks for the personnel, but with great power comes great responsibility- more capital inevitably comes with more stakeholders.
Customers, as in the DDT audience, has been the longest and most consistent stakeholder at DDT pre-aquisition, simply because of the fact that up until fall 2017, DDT was a technically an independent whose business strategy tapped into the niche puroresu market that craved the absurdist, outlandish, and overall nontraditional approach at professional wrestling in a market that was flooded with similar content (don't @ me, but every Ace is the same kinda Ace across the big Five promotions, with a lil tailoring here and there). They have several sister promotions each doing their own thing, all part of the DDT umbrella, but running their own hijinks for their small, but loyal fanbases that buy the tickets and merch as loyally as any person consuming the mainstream content.
But after fall of 2017, they were no longer a successful indy, but now a cog in a larger machine aiming to make money. They were acquired, there's technically a new boss in the story, and even though at first it didn't seem like much would change, something has.
When Shuji Ishikawa won the D-King Grand Prix, I was livid for multiple reasons. I knew there was no way in hell he was gonna win the belt off Takeshita because by that point, it was common knowledge that Shuji would be over in AJPW the entirety of April for Champion Carnival. There was no way in hell a DDT could put their top belt on a man who had to disappear for a whole month, no matter how loyal he was to his mother promotion, bc that would have inevitably started a war between President Takagi and Uncle Jun. My pick was always Daisuke Sasaki, but some wanted Akito, some Yukio, the possibilities were endless because they're full-timers, and all of them amazing wrestlers, and we already knew Harashima was well on his way to lighter feuds and semi-main event status because his Ace days are coming to an end. We knew, but we didn't fret because other people were just are ready for an amazing push, but the victory went to the man who was already known to be a special attraction at Sumo Hall. There was a reason why HaraMarufuji had to drop those belts at Sumo Hall, and only half of it was to push Higuchi, because the other half had to salvage whatever dignity the men had left bc NOAH didn't book HaraMarufuji for shit and DDT could barely make do with Marufuji's sporadic appearances. Sometimes, it works out (like with Yuko), but a lot of times it just doesn't. So Shuji wasn't gonna win, we knew, but DDT management still played the game of thrones, and that led to the upset at Judgement 2k18.
The polls wanted Shuji. The fans wanted Shuji. Deep down, I feel like god wanted Shuji too, but no one can stop Management when it's high on one person regardless of how much the fans, the culture, the whole damn industry wants otherwise. Everyone else becomes an afterthought. People who have worked hard to keep the company alive are no longer in line to get a nice push. Suddenly, everyone becomes food for the top guy, no matter how good the build-up was for the other players, no matter how hot the crowd was for the opponent, no matter how willing the crowd was to forget that Shuji had AJPW dates to fulfill in two weeks, just because they loved the build-up to the Sumo Hall show and wanted Goliath of DAMNATION to come out as champion and give Ryogoku a concert to remember. But reality won in the end, and Shuji got pinned, and there went January through March, straight to the garbage because they fed Shuji Ishi-fucking-kawa to a 22 year old boy who can barely cut a promo and keep a crowd hot after winning a main event.
It's a tragedy from three ends because 1) Takeshita's literally a fucking novice who's only been wrestling for five or so years and is literally in the age group of the current trainees of the damn promotion, 2) he has no character or personality to speak of that people can get high on except the select few that enjoy his 'notice me Endo-san' yandere tirades, and 3) ... he lacks the spirit of DDT.
If DDT was all wrestling, everyday, I'd be watching NOAH's shitty booking and eating ice cream while trying not to let my soul slip outta my mortal coil, but that's not what DDT is. DDT is fully fleshed out characters and over-the-top storylines, DDT is gay-friendly and intergender-wrestling friendly, it's gimmick fuckery for everyone in the promotion, everyone gets to have more than one character, BOYZ shows run social critiques on heterolinis, YAROZ act out the hypermasculine thotheads, Ganbare lets Imanari have emotional meltdowns during ring takedown, TJP has zombies, BASARA has a deathmatch samurai for an Ace, and a wig is the crown for anyone who wants to be general manager of the promotion. It's content fuckery at its best, and it's fun. Takeshita Konosuke? He's not fun.
I'm not gonna try and dissect why he's not getting over, but the fact of the matter is- he's not getting over. And yet- and yet he's still being pushed like he's king of the world. Suddenly we're back in Sumo Hall, and the crowd's dead for Konosuke. A couple of weeks back, when Takeshita lost, he flipped. There was something there, a spark that came and went regularly since Takeshita and Endo began feuding, a rage that bubbled to the surface whenever Takeshita couldn't get his way. There was a character- a semblance of a character worth looking forward to because there was an unparalleled emotion there that was almost tangible.
But like a dying flame, the spark fizzled out, and we were left with an inconsistent character. Like is you mad? Is you happy? You never fuckin know with Take, man. The only consistent thing about him is his undying love/hate for Endo-san.
So Takeshita won, Shuji bowed out, and then Shigehiro Irie rolled up. Suddenly, there was some hope again, because Shige had his own storyline that made sense in the grander scheme of things. With Management so gung ho behind Takeshita, it was excellent storytelling to bring in the guy who has WORDS for the promotion who conned him out of a D-King Grand Prix spot, and had him consider quitting. But Shigs had his own story, his own reason for being, a freelancer like Shuji in his own right, but still tied to the Motherland, to DDT, at the end of the day. Still a heel, but a heel of the people- and if he wins at Max Bump 2018, a champion of the people.
Akito, on the other hand, is gonna be ten years in DDT next year, and he's one of the best wrestlers on the roster, but is still one of the most underpushed (understandable as his character is rather bland even if his skills are exceptional). Coming out with a bad Prix record, he then went on to question Shige's right to challenge. Like an older brother protecting the golden baby of the family, Akito stood up against a literal beast. And he lost. More than that, he was shamed. What's a person to do?
So what changed? Over the years, a number of champions have held the coveted KO-D. OK, maybe 'coveted' is pushing it. It's a hot title, aight? It's the top guy's title, whether that top guy for the moment is Harashima, Kudo, Ibushi, Ishikawa, Sakaguchi, Togo, Poison Sawada Julie, Dino or Mikami. But that didn't mean the title didn't change hands. For its eighteen year existence, its changed enough times for a title spanning forty years, but DDT went from zero to hero. Suddenly the belts weren't all jokes, the talent wasn't just here for the shenanigans, but for an actual chance to be the rightful King of DDT. So what changed?
Across Harashima's nine reigns over eleven years, he clocked in well over a thousand days. Takeshita is on his second reign, at 22, and clocked in almost five hundred days over eleven different defenses. The push is real, but the push isn't getting over. So I wonder again- what changed?
Everyone knows the worst civil war a promotion can get into is the war with its own customer base. The crowd died at Sumo Hall after Takeshita retained, and they were barely waking up again when Irie popped up. The story's there- the Old Guard of DDT having to deal with the new Management that came with the acquisition, Irie's need to show Takeshita that DDT is still what it used to be, even if Shigs is bitter and jaded that things have changed so quickly, the constant, nagging feeling in the back of every DDT fan's mind that 'jfc, we gotta deal with Takeshita again?” There's only so much a promotion can do until the push fails. We still have to fill up seats for Peter Pan. The hottest stable on the indies for the last two years was DAMNATION, but now that their push and hype was used on Shuji and Goliath's been slayed, what's next for them? Shige is almost certain to lost at Max Bump because anyone who slays Takeshita, will be slaying the Future and taking back DDT for whatever reason. That's not happening at Korakuen with a guy who's been MIA since December. Harashima's time is over. The generation of DDT wrestlers that came after 2005 are still lagging in the midcard, and times are... intense. We have a Sumo Hall double show coming up in 2019, and it looks like we really will be hosting Tokyo Dome if 2020 if we continue at this pace.
So what changed?
I don't want to give up hope yet because I trust that crowd sentiment matters to DDT, but with Takeshita's victory at Judgment, his lukewarm hype, and now the setup to feed heel!Shige to Takeshita in order to fluff him up as a face... it's not looking too great. Shige losing now means the Old Guard loses a warhound. One of the few things that can salvage his loss is Akito having a heel turn, but the turn hasn't been triggered in years, and seems unlikely even now when the moment is most opportune. There are... no challengers left for Takeshita with a proper build. The one man who was capable of running with his push had to lose to Mike Bailey. We're at a standstill right now- halfway to the dawn of a new era, but moments away from severe backlash because of the near omnipotent reign of a boy king who can barely keep his emotions in check around his ex-bff/love of his unfortunate life. Given, DDT didn't die even when Ibushi quit, so I doubt Takeshita's lackluster reign is gonna kill the promotion dead... but it doesn’t spell out a good future if there's meant to be a cycle of this lackluster character work.
Especially if they intend for him to be the Ace for good.
Alas, the main event scene at DDT right now is rife with mixed feelings while we prepare to work the five hundred other side-projects DDT has going, while preparing for a fall Peter Pan, with no clear picture of who will be the two men standing face-to-face at the last marquee event of the year. We'll see at Max Bump if Shige can win one for the Old Guard and take the belt off Takeshita long enough to build up other characters that can have formidable reigns, but until then, it's a rocky road. At least Smile Squash held it down for the crowd :/
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 3:58am - 13/05/2020
i’m gonna try and tell the rest of the story, its now been 4 months and a day since last talking to him, this writing is stream of thought im not editing any of this fyi
the introduction to rowan was a messy night, I had just finished work and it was probably around midnight, i recall it being a cold night, i wasnt in the best of mood, as dan and i wrapped foh shutdown i noticed a new person in the discord, everyone was in vc, so i joined in, and asked who this new person was. after being teased for a few hours over being jealous of the new person i went to bed, i think i cried myself to sleep? i forget, but i remember it was cold, talking on discord driving home, not a fun night at all.
within the first month of rowan joining he quickly became close with felix, lots of flirting, suggesting things he wanted to do to the boy, and the boy asked for it, soaked up the attention, felix took pride in me being jealous, he fed off it, he’d ask if i was jealous of rowan, and he’d giggle while asking, i hated rowan, and rowan hated me.
a lot of shit happened, but i forget most of it, im gonna skip ahead to the day we met rowan, because its significant to me, and is the most i can remember anymore.
the day we where gonna meet rowan we planned on exploring an abandoned house, i really didnt wanna go, but felix needed someone to drive him, and i didnt want felix to go without me, i was scared id loose him otherwise, so i went along. i woke up that morning and immedietly had an anxiety attack, i felt like i was going to puke, i was trembling, i could barely tie my shoes, but i managed to get some water, got dressed, and made my way to pickup felix. outside of his house anxiety really hit me again, i thought i was gonna puke, or faint, and felix just sat in the passenger seat, asked if i was okay, and if i was ready to go, he didnt seem to actually care about me, but it was whatever. we met up with rowan, and he was... okay ngl he was kinda cute, tall, nice hair, well dressed, but i was too busy hating him for trying to take felix to actually crush on him, so... yea. we met up with chris and the rest of the discord group shortly after, drove around, couldnt go into the abandoned house because there where workers there, we drove to chris’s house, chris played video games, i just kinda sat there, trying to not cry, while rowan held felix in his arms like a baby, kissing in view of everyone, i hated rowan. finally we had to leave, felix had work, i dropped felix off at his house, then dropped rowan off at the bus station so he could get back to hamilton, i went to go see xander, and that was that day.
rowan increasingly felt the need to call me out that im not dating felix and got more and more protective and possessive of him, as it turns out, felix had been hiding rowan from me since september, i got more and more desperate for felix’s attention, i started self harming more frequently and more visibly, he didnt care, i started threatening suicide, i got to a point mentally where i thought it might be time to take myself to a hospital to stop myself from doing anything dumb, but my busy work schedule + not being able to just dissapear from home meant that was a complete non option.
more things happened, we made a seperate group chat for sending tasteful nudes of ourselves to; idk why, but i partook, i didnt enjoy anything anyone else sent, but i wanted attention and validation, so i partook. there was another night that was kinda meaningful, felix and i where gonna sleep over, but then felix invited chris over, and i didnt want chris to come over, but he came anyways, stayed for an hour or two, then had to go to work and was gonna come back after work, i ended up crying for over an hour once chris left, and had to leave myself, stayed at xanders house instead.
finally, we reached a point, the 20th of january, i was at felix’s house, and i was in a bad mood, i had a bad night the night before, and i had cut myself quite a bit compared to previous, felix was hiding his phone screen from me, nothing out of the ordinary, but i caught a glimse, i realized he was on my tumblr, then suddenly he grabbed me and looked at my scars, scolded me for cutting, then went back to his phone what looked like screen shotting my tumblr. see, i started my previous tumblr similar to this one, for venting, and i shared the link with felix for some stupid reason, but i started catering the phrasing of my posts to include the things i wanted felix to know about, and started omitting the things i didnt want him to know, i would purposely include things i wanted to linger in his mind, and at this point he was going back through them all, realizing what kind of things ive been saying/feeling; i looked at him, and asked if i should leave, he said no, but i did end up going home. that night he sat in voice with rowan, his ex, and chris, i didnt join i was too busy crying. next morning i came online, and noticed it was quiet, i messaged felix asking if he wanted to hang out later in the week, and he left me on delivered for hours. i texed him again that night around 9:30pm asking if we where okay, and got no reply. finally, i messaged chris, asking what was up with felix, and the response i got was that chris isnt supposed to tell me, but rowan and felix’s ex convinced felix im a bad person, and that im toxic, and bad for felix. i felt sick, i couldnt stop crying, i knew it’d come to this point, and i tried so hard to keep him, but he finally gave up on me, i went to xanders house and cried more, finally, at 11:32pm i messaged felix, i appologized for everything, i thanked him for being a decent person to me when nobody else would be and that was that.
I dont know how i feel about it, writing this out makes me feel numb, im not crying, im just shaking, i wanna hurt myself, i wanna get in my car and drive off to nowhere and fall asleep forever, i hate felix, hes a terrible shitty person who hurt me when i was vulnerable and in need, i feel taken advantage of, like i was just some toy to use and throw away, and he almost seems to enjoy my suffering, i cry about him every few days, look at the memories we made together, he was such an important part of my life, he was the best part of my life, the only thing i had to look forward to every week, honestly without him i dont even know if i’d be alive, and to him i was just some weird obsessed creepy trans girl.
i’ve texted him a few times since then, he’s never replied, i miss him a lot, but idk if i can take him back anymore without being scared of getting hurt again.
and i think thats the whole story of felix and i, i fucking loved him to death, and sometimes still do, but he treated me in ways that im not even sure are normal or not anymore, i want him back so badly, id do anything for him, but i hate him, he’s a terrible person who deserves to feel the loneliness ive gone through for almost 20 years
i guess the only addition is that i ended up kinda crushing on rowan for like a good month or two, idk why
its not 4:54am and i need to write down all the shit i wanna bring up in therapy because thats something i need to pay more attention to
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celticnoise · 4 years
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Today the Celtic board launched the season ticket renewal campaign for next season. It is, I think, the earliest date on which they have ever done so. It contains all the right stuff, the stirring imagery, the inspirational words from the manager and the promise of great and glorious times to come.
What a brass neck this lot have.
This is what we’ve come to expect. This season isn’t even finished yet, and despite taking enormous risks with our nine-in-a-row hopes they have a hand in the pockets of the fans already. They’ve even brought forward the date for renewals.
That is a massive inconvenience to many people, and I think it’s a pretty shady thing to do.
To make matters worse, they’ve tried to spin this by pointing out that any increase will only be at the standard rate of inflation.
A good decision, perhaps, but one completely underscored by their decision to leak that to the most hated newspaper amongst our fans; The Daily Record. Whoever made that decision is acting contrary to our best interests.
It is a shocker. The club’s PR wing is capable of mistakes every bit as egregious as the one across town. This reeks, all of it, from the timing to their paper of choice.
The Celtic board got lucky this January.
Sevco’s collapse has taken the focus away from a dire transfer window where the manager did not get the players he wanted and was instead rewarded for an excellent first half of the season with two project players one of whom we’ve barely seen and the other who we haven’t seen at all.
I believe – I hope might be a better way to put it – that these guys will come good. I’m not writing either of them off. But they weren’t what the manager asked for, and we have, in fact, played the last few months with the team that started the season.
Our success has been incredible.
That does mean that the club’s decision was correct.
In my view, this board doesn’t deserve the loyalty of our support.
They don’t deserve to have the best fans in Europe.
The way they’ve treated the manager has been abysmal. He may express his thanks to them in public but he knows they sold him short in the last window and left him vulnerable. It’s only his talents and those of the players who got us through what might otherwise have been an incredibly difficult time.
At this time of year, the board always tells us how brilliant we are, and always paints our club as a shining beacon on the hill. This year, more than ever, those messages are being reinforced, and this is because of the significance of next season. But those same people – and most especially the CEO – have consistently failed to put us in the best position for approaching that campaign. They gambled in January, needlessly, recklessly.
Had that gamble failed, they would have been lucky to sell season tickets at all. Many of us will not forget that they did it.
Many of us will remember it for a long time, and hold it against them long after all this ten in a row stuff is done. To make it up to us, if they do, they owe us big time in the summer.
There are Sevco fans who are deeply afraid that our board intends to spend big in the next window, to put us beyond their floundering reach. I wish I believed it. Instead I think we’re in for another long summer of frustration, followed by a last minute scramble for signings as important European deadlines approach. We’ve seen it all before.
This board could wrap ten in a row up in a bow if they act properly in the summer. The fear ever is that they won’t. That they will play it “safe” as they see it, when in fact that would be an act of folly. It would be another gamble with no upside at all.
One of the things that will undoubtedly have emboldened them to think this way is that it looks odds-on that Gerrard will continue in post at Ibrox. The board there hasn’t got the money to sack him and so they’ve given him their vote of confidence instead … would it be a surprise if our own directors thought there wasn’t much to be concerned about?
It’s us they should be concerned about, and the manager.
There is some tweaking of this squad that needs to be done in the summer, and it has to come without the attendant sale of a top player. The rumours that we’ve tried to tie down Eddie on a longer deal remain just that; this club dare not sell him and leave the manager with Griffiths, Bayo and Klimala to pick from.
Neither he nor the fans are convinced by the latter two yet.
They need to keep the manager sweet here. If he delivers the treble – as seems likely – then his stock will be higher than it ever was. If Lawwell or others counted on his achieving less than Rodgers and so never having quite the same acclaim amongst the fans, well I’m pleased that it backfired on them spectacularly. Lennon is on his way to being a club icon … if this came to a popularity contest I know who would win in a landslide.
I think some of them thought Lennon would be so grateful for the job that he would be pliable and easy to handle. But Lennon’s stature has grown, massively, in the last 12 months. He should no longer feel that the Celtic job is a privilege that he got lucky with the second time around; he has proved that he’s more than up to doing this job.
Behind the sales pitch, Lennon is a confident, young manager with the world at his feet.
They need to accept and acknowledge and accommodate themselves to that fact.
Our board is good at talking a good game, whilst they strip the club of assets.
None of the top players who have left in the last few years has been replaced by footballers of a similar quality; we cannot continue to perpetually weaken like that and still stay ahead of the chasing pack. The promotion of Celtic as a massive club is accurate because the supporters keep the club at that level; it is our continued commitment which brings big brands like Adidas to the table and high season ticket sales which assure the CEO his inflation busting bonus.
They can push us too far though. This time around the season ticket packages are out earlier than ever, and with the Adidas announcement on the horizon the club should be sitting on a greater pile of cash than ever before come the summertime.
This is the moment for the board to deliver, to the manager and to the fans, all the promise of the years gone by. This is the time to act like a world class club, and give him the resources not only to put ten in a row in the bag but set us up for the push to our own 55th title and beyond.
If we get it right in the coming months, it’s all out in front of us.
https://ift.tt/2wE0N3Q
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ricky-najjar · 4 years
Text
Ford’s Theatre
January 06, 2020 - 8:30 AM
“So this is how this usually goes…”
Ricky winced slightly as he gripped on the handle tighter, the Red Line train making a sudden stop like it always did when it was going a little faster than it should. “Just a few more stops, we’ll be there soon.” The position he was in was awkward. Lizzie sat in the only free seat they could find when they came on the train, he opted to stand in front of her. In return when the train made its multiple quick stops, his pelvis practically shoved itself in her face. “Sorry…” He whispered, turning a bright pink when she started laughing. “Buy me a drink first, then we can talk about going home together.” Her hands teasingly pushed on his hips, making him roll his eyes. “God, you can be so crude.” He looked back down at her, her beautiful smiling face looking back at his. His own lips curled up, he couldn’t stay mad at her for long. Despite a few wandering eyes, he lowered himself to her to give her a small kiss. Of course the train made another sudden stop, causing him to almost fall on top of her.
“Metro Center Station, transfers are available to the orange, silver and blue lines on the lower level.”
This was the annoying part of their journey. Metro Center was a huge, people from Virginia, Maryland & D.C. along with tourist scattered all over trying to find their exits. Ricky turned back around and saw how intimidated Lizzie looked, the occasional bumps she got when businessmen ran into her small frame caused a slight annoyance in her expression. He smirked, grabbing her hand and leading her through the crowds of people as fast as he could. “I’m sure you know this by now.” He let out a deep sigh when they got to the escalators. “Proper etiquette on these is, if you are wanting to stand, you go on the right side. If you want to run, you go on the left.” He eyed the couple of tourists who were unaware of this, causing a lot of anger from behind them. When they heard what he said, they glared back at Ricky. “Hey, I’m just trying to help you guys out.”
“Excuse me, Sir! Ma’am! Do you have time to talk about President Trump’s -”
Ricky immediately shook his head, excusing the two of them away from the people who were trying to get a donation of some sort. “It’s not that I’m not interested in what they have to say.” His hand pulled her closer to him so he could wrap his arm around her waist. “It’s just, I’ve heard it all. Living in the area for as long as I have… trust me. I’ve heard it all. They want to tell us about the recent missile launch Trump did, then proceed to explain to us that their candidate...whether it’s Biden, Warren, Sanders… wants to do better for America. I’m sure they do. But I don’t have the money to donate to their campaigns.” Lizzie snorted, covering her mouth to keep from laughing a little too loud for them to hear. “You can’t tell me you don’t get in discussions with them, especially the Trump supporters every once in a while.” Ricky shrugged, leading them into the closest Starbucks for some coffee. “I mean occasionally. When I first lived here it almost seemed like you couldn’t have any sort of friendship with anybody unless you were willing to talk politics. It just gets annoying after awhile --- let me guess, venti skinny caramel macchiato… no whip?” Lizzie’s eyes lit up as she nodded her head, grinning ear to ear “You remember!” After he finished the order and paid for it he turned back to her. “How could I forget? I’ve ordered it so much I have it etched in my mind forever.”
“Happy New Years Ricky!  Welcome back!”
The office assistant’s voice was it’s usual annoying, chirpy pitch as the two walked in the room. “Good morning.” Ricky kept repeating it over and over again, as each cubicle’s occupant greeted him. “It’s a modest area, a second home still nonetheless.” He brought up another chair to his cubicle before proceeding to move a few of his personal knick knacks aside, not before she could grab a photo frame from him. “God, how old is this photo?” She was in awe when she looked at it, tracing the frame with her finger. “That was taken after I graduated with my bachelor’s, and you came home for fourth of july. That was when you and Leah got so drunk you both -” Lizzie immediately put the photo down, glaring back at him which caused him to laugh. “I’m done, I’m done! No more teasing.” Ricky grabbed the photo back and put it next to his computer, humming I Kissed a Girl to himself. With a hard hit from Lizzie, that was the official end of that. 
“So the Museum and Theater are on one side of the street, and the Peterson House is on the other.” 
Ricky’s day wasn’t terribly busy after 10:30, the start of the New Year never really was. After the first of the month meeting he was able to escape his coworkers and show Lizzie around. “What’s the Peterson House, why is it part of the museum?” She cupped her eyes to get a better look of the house behind them, the line of people outside waiting to go in was unusual for this time of year. “Lincoln was shot at Ford’s, but he lived for nine hours afterwards. They took him to the Peterson House where he finally passed away. Mary Todd was in a mess those final hours, she kept weeping that she had wished she was shot as well.” He frowned, giving a small shrug before leading her back in. “It’s sad really, the story of Mary Todd Lincoln’s life. She witnessed three of her sons pass away, her husband, and her only living son sent her to an insane asylum because he felt she needed it.” He led her passed a small group of kids looking at the statues inside the museum. “Was she insane?” Ricky stopped the two of them at the photos of the family, seeing all the young photos of the children that didn’t make it. “Depressed, heartbroken… all of the above. Could you imagine what it was like to go on with life after that?” He let out a sigh, thinking about it once again the life that woman had. When he read about what happened to her years ago it put him in a stump for a while. It took him a long time to pick up another book about Lincoln.
“So the Theater itself is very small, considering the ones we have today.”
The Ranger Talk was going on when they finally made their way into the actual Ford’s Theater. He didn’t say much after that so that Lizzie could have a chance to hear the volunteer talk about how John Wilkes Booth ran away after the assassination. It had been awhile since he himself sat in on one of these, for all he knew his volunteers could have been just dancing up on the stage. He was doing a phenomenal job as he figured they all did. There was a rather large school group joining with them at this talk, which altered the mood of the discussion. Ricky enforced a policy on keeping it as lighthearted as possible, but staying with the truth. When they were asked to speak about the Civil War, slavery was always mentioned as the primary driving force in it. His first few months he went hard on the volunteers when they said otherwise. Some left because of it, Ricky not caring if he was considered too “radical” or “a snowflake” to these people. When he was finished, he quickly got up and grabbed Lizzie’s hand in his. “We gotta go to the house before these kids get a hold of it!”
“Here it is, the bed that Lincoln passed away in…” 
The Peterson House was small, cramped, it squeaked as you walked and you barely had time to really see anything in it. Ricky looked back at Lizzie, whose eyes were glued on to the bed without saying a word. “There wasn’t much that they could do. It’s really shocking that one small bullet could do this to a strong, powerful man.” When she didn’t look back at him, he tapped on her shoulder lightly. “Liz?” She quickly excused herself and ran out the way they came in, Ricky right behind her. 
“What’s wrong, did I say something?” Lizzie sat on the edge of the sidewalk, pulling her legs up to her chest as she tried to hold back from crying. Ricky sat by her and wrapped his arm around her, trying to comfort her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Through her tears, she managed to speak some. “It’s not you, it’s just --- how can you work at a place that’s practically a gravesite? The bed, the gun, Licoln’s own blood was on that pillow!” It wasn’t the first time he was asked that, it probably wouldn’t be the last. Ford’s Theater was a site of Dark Tourism for some people, but he viewed it as a memorial. “I work here, because it’s preserving the history of one of the greatest presidents of our history. One that hopefully people will learn from and continue to express his beliefs.” Lizzie gave him a small smile, pinching his side some. “You’re such a nerd, you know that?”
“That may be the case…. You want to get some pizza? There is this place close by, they know me by name.”
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