#i keep thinking i could never feel worse in my life but this is it

[brucewaynehater101]

your posts about Tim being the parent in his time with Bruce+ Richard's parentification + Tim always planning of being a placeholder, got me thinking

What if Tim started off like that, playing parent for Bruce, ensuring he doesn't cross any lines or overworks himself

And just never stop?

His civilian life is starting to crack, and he's doing worse than he could be, but Batman has to be taken care off

In comes Jason who tries to kill him (great another Bruce) so his workload is doubled, and also Damian who has to be untaught murder

Well it's an escalation of what he's used to, but if he can deal with Batman, he can deal with his kids, time to bust out the books on therapy and deprogramming cult teachings

Besides, he's a placeholding for the two of them until they're better like Batman, so who better to teach them the ropes than him?

Let's toss in comments here and there that will clear misunderstandings between the Bats (excluding himself— he's temporary) and what about their interactions keeps the family apart

Like boy is neglecting himself to high hell, only stopping when it's literally impossible, and barely has a civilian life, but it's worth it for Gotham's betterment and the Batfamily's stabilization

Timestream? Well shit, he has to get Bruce back as per his job of keeping the family in order but the family is either not getting better or worse,

Let him just leave a bunch of personalized self-help guides and programmed schedules that'll ensure the bats are getting better while he's away

Oh hey Ra's, midn if I secretly learn everything about how Damian grew up in this fine League of yours so I can teach Damian what is so wrong about his childhood once I'm home?

So everything is getting better post BruceQuest, Richard can be a brother more (because Tim took on his job as parent-brother), Damian and his family are able to bond and understand each other (because Tim untaught an awful upbringing) and Jason feels like a member of the family (because Tim got Jason up to speed with how much he has always been loved) plus Bruce gets to be a father with his kids (because Tim kept the man out of his otherside inevitable self-made grave)

And say Batfamily, in a miracle of communication, realize that Tim has subsumed Bruce's role as caretaker and father

Not to the entire family of course, but even parenting for one sibling or parent as a kid yourself is one too many

And they remember all the comments Tim said to help the family get better subtly suggesting everybody but Tim is family

Like he's said "Your family," never "Our"

He says "You're a Wayne, a member of their family,"

He has to be referred to as Tim and Drake, never Wayne to catch his attention

And also imagine Richard saying "You can't keep being a parent to your brothers and father" and Tim going "glass houses, *tires to parent Rich*"

"NO—"

The shit storm that would happen if the batfamily realized that Tim donned Robin with the intention of always playing parent for Bruce, and then leaving once his intervention isn't need anymore

Yes! I absolutely love the ideas you incorporated with this. I didn't manage to hit all of them in my post, but I tried to expand upon them a bit:

At first, Tim wouldn't realize that's what he's doing. He just wants to help Bruce (even if that includes taking away the Batmobile keys, locking him out of the batcomputer, and using a rewards system when the man successfully takes care of his wounds).

Tim only comes to the realization that he's Bruce's parent when the YJ are being lectured by their mentors. At this point, the team has done far more dangerous stunts and missions than whatever the JL was lecturing them about. When the mentors come, Robin allows Batman to lecture him in front of the others. Tim knows they have to keep up appearances and can listen to a hypocritical discussion from Bruce to maintain the image of Batman Tim has spent so much time propping up.

After the other mentors leave, Tim pulls Batman into a private room for a chat. Bart, fearing that Robin is getting a second lecture, almost bursts in to save Tim. He's slowed down by the glare Tim sends his way. He's stopped by the conversation he overhears.

Tim, with his hands on his hips as he glares up into the cowl, lectures Bruce on all the behavior issues the man displayed the month that the YJ were away.

Bruce is just standing there, head slightly hung, as Tim goes on.

"This is why I feel I can never get away, B. I can't even leave you for a month before your excessive force statistics skyrocket! What am I supposed to do with you?"

Bart quickly leaves as he has a mental breakdown at this discovery. Two hours later, when Batman leaves, Bart asks Robin if he's Batman's father. Tim laughs it off at first, but after Bart lays out the evidence, Tim spirals for a few days at this discovery.

Once Tim accepts that he *is* like Bruce's dad, he decides to just embrace it. He and Alfred can share custody of the man-child (and this is also why Tim has the view of family that he does. His three examples of being a father are his own dad who constantly leaves, Alfred who maintains a professional distance, and Bruce who's his grieving son). Tim sees Dick as his brother, but he sees Bruce as his kid. It's confusing as hell, complicated, and Tim also doesn't see himself as part of the family at the same time.

While the teen is finally settling into his role as Bruce's parent, Jason comes back and tries to kill him. He doesn't know whether or not to laugh that Jason becomes his new responsibility at the same place Bruce officially (in Tim's mind) became Tim's.

The teen treats Jason similar to a grandson and son. He parents Bruce on how to interact with Jason, takes a few college classes and reads a few textbooks on PTSD, and interrogates LoA agents on the Pit. He slowly starts to feed them both phrases and perspectives so that they understand and interact with each other better. He almost wants to hit them both upside the head for their miscommunication.

It's not great, and Tim is so fucking tired, but they are getting closer to being a family. Tim can almost taste his retirement.

Then Damian comes into the family and tries to kill him. Tim wants to scream.

Damian isn't exactly friendly to Tim, but the teen spots a breakthrough when he catches how Dick and Damian interact. He, in what he later calls foolishly, drops some of the weight onto Dick's shoulders. Tim's tired trying to wrangle both Jason and Bruce into somewhat, even unhealthily, communicating with each other.

Then Bruce dies. It's unfair because Tim has lost someone who's both his son and his father to him. No one except Cassie could know about the amount of grief Tim is under because of that. Cassie, who Tim isn't talking to after the whole basement scientist cloning thing.

So, Tim finds evidence that Bruce is alive. He watches as Dick cracks under the weight of Batman and being a father to Damian. He's hurt (oh gods does it burn to lose his self-made but suffocating role that ties him to Bruce), but he understands why Dick gives Damian Robin.

Tim leaves, and he starts to discover himself. He became an adoptive father at thirteen. For once, even though he's heavily lost in the thralls of grief, he's free of that responsibility. He only has to take care of himself (an exhausting task he's never quite accomplished before) and he doesn't rely on anyone.

Still, despite his freedom, he sees Ra's offer for what it is. It's an opportunity to learn more about Damian. Bruce will need Tim's support when he returns, after all. If he takes down Ra's both for himself and Damian, that's neither here nor there.

When Bruce finally returns home, Tim starts to see his retirement again. He sees the progress he's enacting out of the family in all of their relationships. Like Tim's messy relationship with Bruce, Dick is both a father and brother to Damian. Jason and Bruce will occasionally meet at a diner. Damian and Bruce will have father-child outings outside of Batman and Robin. Cass returns home more often. Steph barges into the Manor for food or bugs different Bats on patrol. Babs is able to take time for herself outside of wrangling the Bats together. Duke is starting to join the family, but Tim doesn't imagine too much tension or difficulty with that transition. They'll be fine without him.

It's looking up. Tim can leave behind his the Wayne family.

Then Damian points out how Tim often uses "your" or "their" instead of "our" family.

Godsdamnit.

#dc comics #dc universe #tim drake #jason todd #bruce wayne #dick grayson #damian wayne #thank you for the ask!!!! #your ask has so many good ideas thank you!

[youremyheaven]

The Internal Corrosiveness of Venus: Venusian Women & Self Harm

TW: self harm, abuse, suicide, violence, trauma

Claire had remarked that "Venus is internally corrosive whilst externally pleasant and Mars is externally corrosive but internally pleasant". This led me down a rabbit hole to try to understand whether this "internally corrosive" nature manifests as self harm & eating disorders and unfortunately, it does. Venusian women struggle with perfectionism and are extremely self-critical. Venusian energy is HARSH. Venus natives struggle to uphold a certain standard that they subject themselves too because if I'm being honest Venus is the OG "not like other girls girl", they believe they're better than others, and tbh in many ways they probably are but this also means they put undue pressure on themselves to keep being that way.

All Venusian naks are Ugra or "fierce" in nature and while I've talked about how Venusian violence and cruelty can be directed at others in my other posts, I think its worth mentioning how Venusians can be just as cruel to themselves. This is especially true of Venusian women as women internalise their problems while men wreak external havoc (like causing wards and killing people) but there are many male Venusians who struggle internally as well.

In ancient religions, Goddesses of love also had other functions or powers that had nothing to do with love

the Egyptian Goddess Isis was the goddess of love, healing, fertility, magic, and the moon. She was the goddess of life and magic, Isis protected women and children and healed the sick.

She was a great magician, whose power transcended that of all other deities.

The Mesopotamian Goddess Ishtar is the goddess of love and sexuality, and thus, fertility; she is responsible for all life, but she is never a Mother goddess. She is also the Goddess of War.

I'm using these examples to show that the ancients had a more complex and nuanced understanding of Venusian energy. One cannot worship love without understanding that "war" is a consequence of it. Love & war are not very different from each other. When someone believes in something and is willing to die for it, we find that to be very honourable. Sometimes this belief leads men to kill others over it and depending on the cause, we describe the war as "good" or "bad" (kill a bunch of fascists and then its a "righteous" war, if you kill innocent people, then its an unholy war etc). Being at a state of war describes Venusian nature very well since Venus is also connected to royalty and if you're born into royalty, you get to live a very "exclusive" very privileged life that few get to enjoy but the stakes are also that much higher since you could be beheaded or executed or exiled and live a life that is far worse than the average person.

In this post I want to explore how this "state of war" can manifest internally in an ordinary Venusian and contribute to self harm, eating disorders and drug abuse.

Bella Hadid- Purvaphalguni Moon & Rising

Bella has admitted to smoking since she was a teenager and getting a rhinoplasty at 14. Her pro ana Tumblr from when she was a teen is infamous at this point. She has never openly spoken about it but it is widely speculated that she struggles with an eating disorder and possible drug abuse as well.

“I was the uglier sister. I was the brunette. I wasn't as cool as Gigi, not as outgoing,” she said. “That's really what people said about me.” I also feel like Venusians grow up feeling really ugly and completely unaware of their magnetism. They only really grow into their looks when they're older (obvs there are exceptions) and I think being bullied for what they have and don't have are also big themes.

Demi Lovato- Bharani Moon

Demi has spoken about struggling with self harm, eating disorders and drug abuse.

Lovato said, “growing up, I had been bullied in school,” saying she “felt like an outsider," and "like an outcast,” but then she became friends with a girl who was popular. “One day, I asked her ‘how do you have all these friends?,’” Lovato noted, and the girl asked Lovato “do you party?" Lovato explained, "She asked me, 'Do you drink?,'" with Lovato saying that this was her first experience with drugs and alcohol, adding, “we experienced a lot of stuff together, drinking and using, and growing up.” Bharani being an outcaste nakshatra resulted in Demi feeling like one growing one :(((

Taylor Swift- Purvashada Rising

Taylor opened up about her eating disorder in her documentary

Lindsay Lohan- Bharani Moon

LiLo has struggled with self harm, drug abuse and battled eating disorders

Oscar Wilde, Purvaphalguni Rising wrote The Picture of Dorian Gray

The plot goes like this : An attractive Englishman's image is captured in a painting that keeps him from ageing, when he exchanges his soul for eternal beauty. But for every sin that he commits, his image in the portrait rots.

This is a very deeply Venusian story, and very specifically Purvaphalguni esque because Purvaphalguni is the height of Venus. It can be said that its also true of Venusians in general. They are outwardly splendorous, they seem to have it all together but inwardly they tend to be inflicting wounds upon themselves in order to keep it all together.

Johnny Depp- Purvashadha Moon

He has also battled eating disorders, self harm and drug abuse.

Iggy Pop- Bharani Moon

"THERE IS EXTREME, there is legendary — and then there is Iggy Pop. Beginning in his earliest days with the Stooges taunting Ann Arbor frat boys and small town Michigan folk, Iggy made an art of excess: self-mutilation, self-exposure and self-destruction. His risky theatricality required an audience to respond, participate or get the heck out of there. And the sex and violence hardly stopped after the show was over."- this is how Rolling Stone described Iggy Pop and tbh this is a very Venusian description

In 1974, at his first solo concert dubbed The Murder of a Virgin. "Do you want to see blood?" Iggy asked the crowd, which howled affirmatively back at him. Then, at Iggy's urging, guitarist Ron Asheton, wearing a Nazi outfit, whipped Iggy repeatedly. Iggy began hurling racial epithets at a black spectator, hoping to goad the man into stabbing him with the steak knife he'd brought onstage. No luck, so he closed the set by carving an X into his chest himself.

Marilyn Manson- Purvashadha Sun

He has struggled with self harm in the past (there are images online if you're interested) and in 2013, he tried to simulate self harm on stage by holding a knife to his wrist in the middle of a performance??

Christina Ricci- Purvashadha Moon

Ricci has said she suffered from anorexia as a teenager and was sexually assaulted as a child. “There was no discussion at that time about trauma, and about recovering from those things, about PTSD,” she said. As a result, she ended up “acting out and coping in ways that weren't good."

Robert Downey Jr- Bharani Moon, Mars in Purvaphalguni

its pretty well known that RDJ was severely addicted to drugs at one point and it started when he was a child and drugs was given to him by his dad:///

Megan Fox- Purvashadha Rising

"I have body dysmorphia — I don't ever see myself the way other people see me," Fox said. "There's never a point in my life where I loved my body, never, ever." "When I was little, that was an obsession I had of, like, but I should look this way,"

‘However, at a certain point, I went through some trauma in childhood and I developed a pretty severe eating disorder and manic depression, which runs in my family, so there was definitely some wrestling with chemical imbalance going on,’ she shared.

its interesting how so many of these natives begin struggling with these issues very early in life

Colin Farrell- Purvashadha Rising, Jupiter conjunct Ketu in Bharani

While he did not say that he had cut himself when he was younger, Colin Farrell had some self-inflicting behavior during his younger days. He spoke on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and said that he used to actually enjoy pulling out huge tufts of his hair. 

Pete Davidson- Purvaashadha Rising

'I used to bang my head against walls,' he admitted. 'If I couldn't deal with something -- if someone told me something sad or something I couldn't deal with I would bang my head against the wall, hoping I'd pass out because I didn't want to be in that situation because I couldn't handle that.

Melanie Lynskey- Bharani Moon

“I stopped throwing up, mostly. It took a while. But that was a big one. I had, for a very long time, been on this diet that was basically 800 calories a day, and if I ate anything over 800 calories, I would throw up,” she said. “I was never bingey. Sometimes I’d be starving, and I’d have another teacup of Special K. Then I’d be like, ‘Well, now I gotta throw it up.’”

Tila Tequila- Purvaphalguni Moon

On March 7, 2012, it was reported that Tequila had agreed to check into rehab after having reportedly "almost died" from an attempted suicide by overdosing on pills. The incident caused her to be hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. Tequila completed her rehab treatment on April 5, 2012.

Jeffree Star- Purvashadha Moon

images of him self harming once went viral

Till Lindemann- Purvashadha Sun

he's known for his SH scars and has even written poems about it in German??? its called "The poems: Knives on silent nights"

Portia de Rossi- Rahu in Purvashadha 2h

she's struggled with an eating disorder

Padma Lakshmi- Purvaphalguni Sun & Moon

"When filming "Top Chef," I consume about 5,000 to 8,000 calories a day,'' she wrote. "I typically gain anywhere from 10 to 17 pounds every season. Once I get home, what's taken me six weeks to gain takes me 12 weeks to take off. It's always a nail-biting extravaganza at fittings, praying that a few pretty dresses that came down the runway on a teenage model who is a size 0 will miraculously fit my 40-something body,'' she wrote. "Getting ready for the Emmys is always fun, and it's truly an honor to be nominated. But at the same time, in spite of my high metabolism, I worry each year that I'm not going to fit into anything nice. So, this year, I've decided my weight will not be my focus,'' she wrote. "If I need a bigger dress, so be it. That one day — or any day — on the red carpet isn't nearly as important as making sure my daughter doesn't measure her worth by her dress size."

i guess this is a more positive manifestation of Venusian self image struggles

Jessica Alba- Bharani Stellium (Sun, Mercury & Venus)

“I was meant to feel ashamed if I tempted men,” she said. “Then I stopped eating a lot when I became an actress. I made myself look more like a boy so I wouldn’t get as much attention.”

Katie Couric- Purvashadha Sun

“I wrestled with bulimia all through college and for two years after that,” she shared with Lovato while interviewing her, per Glamour. “I know this rigidity, this feeling that if you eat one thing that’s wrong, you’re full of self-loathing and then you punish yourself, whether it’s one cookie or a stick of gum that isn’t sugarless, that I would sometimes beat myself up for that. How do you have a healthy relationship with food, and say, ‘You know what, I can have one cookie and it’s OK?’ That is such a huge thing for people who wrestle with this.”

Zayn Mailk- Purvaphalguni Moon

 In his 2016 autobiography, Zayn, he shared it would sometimes cause him to go two or three days without eating a single bite of food. “Something I’ve never talked about in public before, but which I have come to terms with since leaving the band, is that I was suffering from an eating disorder. It got quite serious, although at the time I didn’t recognize it for what it was,” he wrote. “When I look back at images of myself—before the final tour—I can see how ill I was. The workload and the pace of life on the road put together with the pressures and strains of everything going on within the band had badly affected my eating habits. Food was something I could control, so I did.”

Zoe Kravitz- Purvaphalguni Moon conjunct Ketu

“I think it was part of being a woman, and being surrounded by [fame],” she said. “I think it was definitely about being around that world, seeing that world. I felt pressured.” After playing an anorexic character in a movie, she hit her lowest of lows and was so malnourished that her immune system shut down. Months later, she decided to make a change. “I just felt it was different,” she said. “I don’t know… if a f—king spirit came over me and said: ‘You have to stop.’”

Mel C, Purvaphalguni Rising

"When I was in the Spice Girls, the stress of suddenly being thrust into the limelight led me into an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise,” she told The Mirror in 2012. “I became obsessed about what I ate and I cut lots of food groups, like carbs and protein, out of my diet. I survived on fruit and vegetables and little else.”

Nicole Scherzinger- Mars conjunct Rising in Purvaphalguni

"I really struggled with feeling like I fit in. I even had a hard time feeling like I fit into my own skin. I was really hard on myself and had a lot of struggles with self-esteem and a lot of insecurities,” she said. “Later on, that resulted in me having eating disorders because of my body dysmorphia.”

if you're reading this and struggling, you're not alone. please get help!! its not too late to turn things around!! youre so strong and you can do this!!

#venus #purvaphalguni #bharani #purvashadha #astrology notes #vedic astro notes #astrology observations #nakshatras #sidereal astrology #astrology #astro notes #astro observations #vedic astrology #astroblr

[profounddefendorcrusade-blog]

I feel bad for Starlo. (pt. 7)

Staroba is... not my cup of tea.

Still can't get over the fact Ceroba showed so little empathy for Star. It becomes even worse when you remember she started lecturing him ALL while wanting to take Clover's soul herself and lied to his face just so she could later betray the kid. At least Star tried to fix things. She started digging deeper and deeper into her plan and in the end got forgiven really easily.

I keep thinking Ceroba sees Starlo as a childish little bro or smth and even mentions how the reason she chose Chujin was because he was "mature." Yeah he WAS more serious in terms of personality but everyone's different. Chujin wasn't morally perfect anyway

'Back when I was a naive kid, kinda like you' and 'hey, it's science. your brain is still developing' rub me the wrong way. Basically what I got from this is how she thinks only someone childish and emotionally underdeveloped would consider a relationship with Starlo

Ceroba seems to view Star as a "poor naive manchild" who needs babysitting. She feels so bad for him that she'd sometimes tag along with his antics but won't hide the annoyance most of the time.

She'll also spare him from his feelings getting hurt, which is nice but it's not her honest opinion:

She seems to show little appreciation for what he tried to do for her even though they're supposedly best pals. She says how she's been burying her sorrows in the saloon but not how spending time there even slightly cheered her up.

She envies Star's optimism but imo it sounded more like an adult envying a kid's naivety than one adult admiring the other.

And APPARENTLY the time she spent with Clover in Steamworks cheered her up a little but not what Star's been doing for her for months.

heck she didn't even notice he had been doing it for her. too stuck in her sorrows, probably

I think the reason for this is because the Steamworks reminded her of Chujin and Kanako and the life they used to have. Btw, she loved Chujin waaaay too much (and even though he's gone now she still doesn't think she'll ever be with anyone else except Chujin, she's proud of Chujin for a useless award, she still calls Chujin 'her love,' she keeps talking about Chujin's legacy and how Asgore and everyone else never believed in him), to the point she stubbornly supported him without question, only (maybe) seeing him more realistically at the end of pacifist. I just feel like Ceroba doesn't take Starlo seriously. It's not that she doesn't care about him at all, but… she definitely doesn't get him.

For these reasons, I'm not a fan of staroba.

#uty #undertale yellow #starlo uty #uty starlo #north star uty #uty ceroba #ceroba uty #ceroba ketsukane #anti staroba #I won't pretend I like this ship #I honestly don't see the chemistry #their friendship is ok though #but imo star puts more effort into it #maybe she's hiding her true feelings for starlo #maybe not #idk #either way I won't overthink it #i know a lot of fans love staroba and that's fine #i just don't #star was a sweetheart to let her go #and let her have happiness somewhere else without him #i want starlo to either end up alone raising clover as a single dad #or with someone who will appreciate him and find him inspiring #this might sound funny #but that someone could be el bailador #both are energetic and passionate and 'too much' for the people around them #they wouldn't find each other 'too much' #corn yaoi is something I want to discuss separately

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted #and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i #think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god. #and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind #and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind #splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt #and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d #some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard #as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not #and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and #more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this #and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make #things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill #laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop #with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out #itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄 #unrelated

[rimouskis]

okay I've decided against pursuing any sort of diagnosis re: my growing suspicions I have ADHD/something of that ilk for a variety of reasons, but it will NEVER stop galling me how I lack object permanence. like a baby. I need to have clear storage containers because if I cannot see something I forget it exists. it's both a relief to know that there is a potential "explanation" for such behavior but also realizing that most other people can do convenient things (like: remembering the existence of stuff) is also FRUSTRATINGGGG because I wish that was me! imagine being able to remember things not only casually but well! imagine that! god!

#it's also frustrating because it can bleed into interpersonal relationships and depending on people's friendship styles it can have a... #large impact. like back in high school my best friend would regularly be hurt by me not remembering things #(ranging from stories she'd tell me to stories I'd already told her to people's names to pieces of information I'd been made aware of) #and I took it personally at that age and sort of took it as: #''I am an inherently selfish person who can't remember things about other people and I am Bad'' #and while that friendship grew apart and she sort of resigned herself (eventually) to me being the way that I was #I guess I never really let go of my guilt around it... and even now I still feel Very Bad about not remembering things #and I've often thought to myself of how I could mitigate it to be a better friend #but I short of ''keeping notes on your friends and the stories they tell you which you will need to reference often'' #I've not had much luck in cracking that #I feel like as I've grown older I've found friends who (for whatever reason) don't take my ''poor memory'' personally #[and hilariously I've seemed to befriend people with FREAKISHLY GOOD memories who more than make up for my own] #and that's been... a bit better because it's been many years since I've had a friend make me feel bad for not remembering something #and in fact I have friends now who HAVE diagnosed ADHD who (obviously) Get It #but back of my head I still think that I do the people around me a disservice by not frequently/accurately committing things to memory #I think it makes me a worse friend and a worse employee for that matter #and I do in fact wish there was a magic pill that would grant me that ability and that ability only. it feels like it would change my LIFE. #anyways this tag essay is brought to you by: #me looking for my concert earplugs (which I have never used despite buying them FOR three concerts I went to last year since I kept... #say it with me... forgetting about them the day of the concert!) and finding a stash of two different battery types I had no idea I owned #anyways. earplugs are going into my car so I will have them on me #and batteries have been moved to the clear container in my closet with the other batteries. sigh.

[dreamcast-official]

hm.

#eli.txt #i think the reason i feel so shit over The Whole Deal is like. god. i just miss talking to them. #sometimes it felt like they were the only person who cared about what i had to say. they were the easiest person to talk to in my life. #and like. basically overnight. they were so distant for what i thought was no reason. and they did not care about me anymore. #i know they were justified in acting that way and its not like they suddenly hate me and dont care about me but god. #thats what it feels like. thats what it fucking feels like!!!! #i didnt just lose my boyfriend i lost one of my best friends and it fucking sucks. it feels like no one is going to put up with me anymore. #idk i dont feel nearly as comfortable talking to Anyone anymore. because when am i gonna know i made a mistake. #how am i gonna know i made a mistake and they suddenly think i hate them and it leads to something like this. how am i gonna know. #and like!! it looks To Me like their life got so much better without me being an active part of it. and i feel like i have just gotten worse #AND THEY WONT FUCKING TALK TO ME! I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION AND THEY DONT TALK TO ME! AND LIKE. #I KNOW I FUCKED UP BUT IM FUCKING TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LET ME TRY. TALK TO ME. I MISS YOU. #I LOVE YOU. NOT IN THAT SENSE ANYMORE BUT I STILL CARE FOR YOU. YOURE MY FRIEND. FUCKING TALK TO ME. #I KNOW NO AMOUNT OF SAYING IM SORRY CAN FIX IT BUT IM TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT. PLEASE JUST DONT IGNORE ME LIKE THAT. #god i just feel like maybe i meant nothing. maybe theyve just already moved on entirely and i was never anything. #maybe im the only one who still hurts. yknow. i dont think they care about me anymore. #which i could fucking deal with if they just said that instead of flat out ignoring me. #god i just feel like shit. what if i keep fucking up the same way what if i lose everyone the same way and in the end im alone. #i would probably deserve it. if i keep messing up this bad maybe i deserve to be alone. #i know thats not true. but i feel really bad right now. im not thinking. #no one is going to put up with me the way they did. they already dont. #god. im so tired. i wish they would fucking talk to me.

[doppelnatur]

to a certain degree i don't think there is such a thing as purely internalized and internally directed bias. i don't think directing bias at yourself is morally much better than directing it at others it's just a lot harder to stop. that said, as soon as your self cruelty begins to affect anyone else it's just cruelty. a gay man being homophobic is not any more justifiable than a heterosexual man. then again, maybe this entire way of thinking shows a lack of compassion for myself and is a form of bias.

#Idk I'm being mean to myself about capacity and ability stuff. #I'm. Very aware I still hold a lot of ableism. I really really try treating others with kindness and like noticing when something is an #Ableist impulse and seeing it looking at it and letting it go. And I think I usually do a good job. I do. But it's so much harder when it's #It's me and there's no other expert on my experience and my normality than me and I just don't trust me to. Actually know what's going on #Idk I think ableism is the most active unlearning I'm having to do. With both racism and queerphobia it was very gradual #Fatphobia I feel like i never really like. Took in. Idk why and obviously there's some just straight up misinformation that I'm correcting #But that's all so different #Learning about ableism was such a huge thing for me and it helped me let go of so much self loathing and all that all at once #And to also just be kinder to the people in my life. Like significantly. I think I'd be an absolute pos if not for the autistic community #But like. I feel like I've hit a plateau and there's just. Part of this belief system that's just. My character at this point and I don't #I don't know that I'll ever be able to get over it and I think it makes me a bad person or at least a worse person like. In an unfixable wa #Maybe I need to think of myself like the world. Where I don't think an ideal utopia can be built but that just means we have to keep trying #And get as close as possible and watch all the lik e easy fail points carefully and mend and repair. #Like part of the reason I could let go of self hate is just that I genuinely became a significantly better person #Not just the internalized ableism part but the external butt they're the same kind of anyways right #Idek it's 1am

[euelios]

there are very specific people in my irl life who can say the most innocuous things on earth and still make me steaming mad

#ooough we love venting #especially tag venting #auden.txt #it’s my blog and i’ll cry if i want to #these tags are not a place of honour— #i got told off for making tea too late at night #and it turned into a spiral about how much worse i’ve been doing since i started my job #and like. man. i. i resolve not to trust what i think about my life past 9pm bc it is not good up here rn #a toddler’s Big Feelings in a 20 something body. i never outgrew the me who thought i could compel ppl into liking me by dint of being #so good and perfect that they had no choice #but now the more i do. work and study and hobbies and and and #the more is expected? and i’m just not learning to keep up #i miss my fucking mom i wish we got along like we used to when i was little but i’m just an asshole now and i hate being told what to do #i wish i didn’t need so much fixing. #there’s not even anything wrong just a creeping sense of dread. like heading jaws music in a sunny meadow #i wish people wouldn’t bring up my mental health to imply i’m crazy #i wish it didn’t scare me to seriously consider it #although i did once tell a friend that i felt like. there would be nothing to write in my obituary? bc i had lived such a disconnected life #like some fuck who died far away from home #jesus. i’m going insane. it’s fucking bedtime it’s been bedtime for ages. #things will be better when it’s light out

[non-un-topo]

At the crossroads between wondering if it's worth it to basically completely rewrite all my WIPs or just take a break from writing for the rest of the summer

#i noticed every summer i get progressively worse lol #like not in terms of writing but in terms of everything else goin on in my head #i mean if anyone is craving some dark and depressing shit i've got bits and pieces here #it's like i'm writing for an audience even in my own mind. can't finish anything because it's __ __ __ etc and my niche is too niche. #did my last fic really burn me out that much?? i mean it was basically 30 thousand words and there was a LOT packed into it #maybe i should finally respond to comments and i'll feel better. #something's been going on with me for the past couple months (maybe longer) and i'm just annoyed ALL the time #feel like i want to give up everything and stop talking to everyone. ((it could be my out of whack hormones mind)) #so if i haven't been as active and haven't drawn or written much that's why. i'm pulling away and curling in like an atrophied limb. #my brain is just permanently in school mode. i can feel it gearing up for the oncoming year that's going to be super intense. #like would it even matter if i post any more work before september? idk why i can never seem to chill or take a break for even a minute. #i still have drawing projects i want to finish at least! taking me literally all summer because of surprise health problems. #partner was consoling me about how i feel for writing '''weird''' stuff with almost no focus on romance #saying that SOMEbody has to write what i write so that should keep me going. i just tell myself that it could be worse - #- i could be primarily a femslash writer. they are the real heroes and they get no respect. #idk why i'm getting so angsty #i think i might be romance/sex repulsed atm. not in real life at all but in fandom. i'm bored of it. and i'm bored of conversations about i #i'm sure i'll change my mind in what two weeks or so. #maybe i'll try to write something original #i have things in my ask box i should respond to. like asks about my writing. i just haven't been feeling well #so i haven't had the right brain to respond :( but i see the asks and i'm grateful <3 #anyway peace and love

[gatun-gatunesco]

...

#the results finally came: i have hepatitis. Is not longer just simple sickness and liver malfunction. Now i have chronic illness #and i am back into my place. after being far away for some weeks feeling like a victim of the narrative #how foolish and stupid i was #i tried not to think about it. to not give it importance as she said it was not that serious #but now that i am alone in here again i realize that everything it was my fault #“is our mistake” i can hear her say. but it is my fault: i was the sober one. the one in control. the one that did not let her go #“she was teasing you. was somerhing she wanted” some people reply. but that is no excuse for my behaviour #i was supposed to protect her. to let her be free with herself. and in the end i only gave her pain and regret. i destroyed my last chance #perhaps being denied to fix what i did. to prove myself better. is my punishment and i should accept it #not able to know about her life. if she is okay. if her heart is recovering. if her mind is not killing her. is part of the punishment too #sure. the guilt is destroying me. but i deserve it. in fact. i deserve all the problems i am having. i deserve to be out of her life #my chairs are screaming. my bed is punching. the blankets are a burden. the walls compress me. the juice is sour. #i can no longer make that dish. not that snack. and just thinking about the strawberrys dessert makes me nauseous and want to puke #i am totally sure that event damaged her more than she wanted to admit. if is this devastating to me. should be x10 worse for her. #but i will never know and that is part of the suffering i deserve #i hope she manage to heal. to forget about me. to find someone better that can truly help her #i hope she never wanted to came back. it will only bring her pain. see me will only make her remember the trauma #i am not free of sin. i betrayed myself that day. i betrayer her too. i do not deserve forgiveness from both #the walls are not the culprit. yet my anger keep me punching them. i could damage myself but my liver is already doing that #perhaps this illness will set me free. but until that happens. i still need to try going forward. #mostly becasue is not fair i just give up and end my suffering that easy. i must face my punishment #yet i hope she is not being tormented by my mistake. i doubt it. but she deserve better #hopefully she will never read this and therefore never try to contact me to debate the mistake if she still think was her fault #hopefully she will heal and grow. happy and independent. free with lots of friends. loving herself and someone special for her #i tried to be a saviour but at the end i only destroyed who i wanted to save. along myself in the process #better to stay alone that to hurt someone and myself again #i wish life to let me be in the void where i belong. feeling desires is gross and awful. better to not feel anything like i was before #tried to distract myself with funny stuff and healing posts. heck even some sad and broken stuff to feel understood #but nothing of that was really helpful as i was only neglecting the reality and severity of my actions. i must leave #so goodbye. i should come back when the illness and the guilt stop killing me (if it does not succeed)

[risingsunresistance]

ugh

#vent/rant ahead i just wanna say stuff: #forcing myself to draw for my friends and post content for my friends and keep Being Active just for other ppl is wearing me out #i WANT to continue to be a part of the community but. man this sucks fkjdhsg #it's entirely my fault. the situations i've put myself in that i dont wanna make public #(not just stuff related to art and content motivation but also Oops i Upset A Friend And Feel Horrible) #but it still sucks even if it is my fault #idk man im just running out of stuff to care about. everything is getting worse 🧍 #i'm sure i'll be here every once in a while but will i ever post a full drawing again? great question #clips? very very rarely #actual content? not likely #i have like. one thing i wanna post about at christmas (i know one of my gifts already). besides that uhhhhhhhh i've got nothing #might have one drawing/sketch for december but that's very up in the air #if you know my priv and wanna request go ahead. im always active there and that wont change unless twitter explodes #even if you've requested before and aren't in it now you can request again. i'll try to be more lenient with it (again this is my fault) #i doubt i could ever make myself straight up abandon this blog. i'll continue to answer asks and ramble when i want to #but forcing myself to be a Content Provider sucks. it's not working. i'm still sad. he's still dead. my friends are leaving. #i'm not gonna have anyone left by this time next year it'll just be me and the void lmao #too nervous to follow anyone new. too nervous to talk the friends i already have. cant hold a conversation to save my life #this is why i have like... 3 friends here (i think we're friends). sorry i never talk to you guys it's just Difficult :/ #and it's not getting any easier. not since june/july ! #all goat knows is talk about skyblock (getting harder to do). post link to song. and make 50 more non-rebloggable posts #chat #come back later #(to delete probably idk) #now the real question: is this all related to [current issues causing mood swings] or is this something that's been building since june #we'll see i guess #i could be fine a month or so from now. or tomorrow. or all the way in the summer. who knows #*attaches a picture of techno to make this seem slightly less miserable* jkfhdkg #i hate there being like 2000 people here. nearly 3000 i think. idk #i want to talk and rant without feeling like im making the world's worst apology video KJFDHKG i dont like having so many eyes on me

[fuitygummy]

I think I’m failing therapy

#personal fuity shit #I can’t answer my therapist’s questions #I feel like I’m only repeating myself every session #I can’t do the things she asks me to. and I don’t even know why. I just can’t #I don’t exercise. I don’t leave my room. I barely drink water. I have an eating disorder #I honestly don’t know what she could do for me. and I noticed she doesn’t either #maybe I truly am a lost cause #I’m stuck in place. can’t get better and sometimes seems to be getting worse #when I told her I don’t even want to live anymore she kinda got. pissed at me? #she made it sound like ‘being alive only because I don’t want to make my mom sad’ is the most insane and wildest thing she’s ever heard #and that I was crazy to even think about it #as if that wasn’t my only thought for like idk 8 years or so #ALSO she keeps putting my bisexual identity in question every opportunity she gets. like wtf #just because I’ve never hooked up with a girl doesn’t make me any less bi #‘are you truly bi or just curious?’ idk and idc ma’am you’re the one bringing this up and making it look like a problem #I’ve got lots of complaints but. it’s not easy to quit #I’d have to tell my mom an excuse as to why I want another therapist #and looking for a new therapist is just nightmare #I’m just tired. really wish I could think about killing myself more in depth without feeling guilty #thinking about how my mom’s life would be shattered and all the pain I’d cause her gives me goosebumps. it breaks my heart

[finalhaunts]

Siigghh

#vent #idk man. feeling hopeless again #it is. so hard to be optimistic about the future when it is genuinely difficult imagining myself anywhere else but here #its difficult imagining myself getting out of this house that’s actually through a realistic scenario and isn’t just wishful andromanticized #my friends are trying to help me get out of here at least but is it even going to work out? is this all even going to be worth it? #idk. #imagining myself in a happier scenario genuinely truly does not feel right. it doesnt feel realistic. it doesnt feel possible. #and whenever I think about it I just feel weird because I know I can’t get my hopes up like that #the thought of myself being happy doesn’t feel normal. #i feel like i’ve just been stuck in the same place i’ve always been and i always will. both literally and metaphorically #i’m always going to be in this shitty house around my shitty parents rotting away like i have been for nearly 18 years now #and i feel like despite my age i haven’t actually grown up. I havent grown as a person or changed or anything. #i dont have any big achievements. i’ve never worked. I put off getting drivers ed for years until now #I don’t know how to cook or to do things the right way unless i’m shown #literally 80% of my fucking life has been spent in my room or in school #i feel like i’ve just been in stasis for years and the thought of actually having a life feels impossible. #i get the whole ‘you don’t want to die you just want an escape’ thing people say but I genuinely can’t think of any other way I could really #escape this. #the only thing that’s really keeping me from actually going ahead and killing myself is the fact that it feels selfish. i feel selfish. #because its going to hurt my friends and im going to feel even worse about it if i survive #I’m honestly envious of all my friends lives. why couldn’t i have gotten that lucky.

[butchvamp]

sigh

#night 599859487384730 of laying in bed refreshing apps #this post is going to look especially pathetic bc it's valentines but this is just my usual 'i hate my life' posting #at least i can get chocolate during valentines.... #anyways. wish i could just vanish off the face of the earth lol #im really just like. what else is there to do. it's all pointless fr and im never getting out of here #and if it does ever supposedly 'get better' well im tired of fucking waiting #i think it's pretty shit that i have to wait decades for it to 'get better' #this isnt even abt me being sad about aging but i don't like the idea of spending over half my life in absolute fucking misery #just so that i can MAYBE have fun for once in like 50 years #that doesn't sound appealing. i don't think that maybe is good enough but idk ig that's just me #also like i feel like i have tried Everything but. again. nothing matters #like i have tried every stupid shit you can think of to get 'better' but literally none of it does anything for me #there is no change. i dont get better i just keep getting worse. lmao! #well. wish i'd just kms but i cant even manage to find the motivation for that #tfw you're so pathetic you can't even get out of bed long enough to kys <3 LOL

[pepprs]

i like uh. literally cannot believe what is happening is still happening btw.pain and suffering (update omg i hit tag limit CRINGE but i think i was done anyway lol)

#purrs #ive felt sort of beholden to keeping it quiet on here bc i felt bad since it was still kinda a secret irl. but i think the word is #traveling fast irl so im giving myself permission to talk about it with my dearest belovedest mutuals some of whom are irl friends i have #ghosted for the last week and a half despite initially trying to set something up bc i have been so miserable over it that i can’t function #and for that i apologize and i swear to god i will get it together eventually. but ok. the thing that happened is that. lol i am crying #typing it bc how do i even say it. my supervisor who is also my mentor who is also dare i say my friend who is also my close colleague who i #is also the reason i even got to the place im in to begin with in so many ways… got a new job. and didn’t tell us she did and dropped it on #us last week. literally a week after i started my new job and i was so so so looking forward to getting to work closely with her in this new #way at last and um. that is not happening anymore. and it could be so much worse like thank GOD she didn’t *** or whatever which is #something i worry about literally constantly. but this hurts. it’s devastating and i feel betrayed even though im so happy for her and she d #deserves it so much. and im so fucking sad and do fucking scared bc there’s literally 3 of us now and we have to NOT PANIC and act like we #are processing this totally fine or else we will face Consequences which are the same reasons she’s leaving probably. lol. idk. it’s very #cringe to post about it and not vague and i know it’s like weird to be close to work and to your colleagues and whatever but it has never #been just work and it’s like. how can this person come into my life and utterly transform it and we go on this journey together and we JUST #reached this beautiful glorious pinnacle but then you leave?? and who knows how long she was planning to do this. lol. and despite how s #much i care abt her im the least close to her personally out of everyone on the team so i am suffering and withering and exploding and #sobbing and howling and barking and i want to talk to her so bad and tell her how much she means to me and that it is physically painful to #think about doing this without her bc she was supposed to like. help me and stuff bc she went thru baiscally the same path im on lol and we #have a lot in common in terms of identity / life situation and i was like ummmmm hi can you teach me how to be a fuller version of myself. #and this ks like such a wake up call that no *i* need to teach me that and no one can. but i don’t want that to mean losing her and im so #scared that she won’t be in my life anymore and i am going to miss her so much. im going to miss every little thing and it’s killing me and #i can’t stop crying about it and it feels like a fucked up nightmare and everything is different now and im temporarily secon in command who #which is like wtf no that’s YOU. come back. how could you leave. but she needed to i guess and i just didn’t know how bad. but it hurts ummm #lol. and if she knew how hard ive been losing my shit i think she would be angry and sad and like surprised bc i think she thinks im #normaler than i am now but it’s like god. there was so much to look forward to and i was already feeling weird about the future and now it’s #like the little parts of it i at least knew i could count on are totally gone because she’s leaving us for fucking ****** of all places LMAO #delete later #i know it’s like weird to vent abt irl stuff / ppl so candidly i know what it suggests about me but this is like my best possible coping #mechanism rn i guess or at least it feels the best bc ppl like the posts and you don’t even have to say anything it just lets me know that #like. im not insane for it iwguess. even though iwreally feel like it. idk. i just am going to miss her so much. i wish i could stop crying

[spacedykez]

.

#the otter ventposts #tw dysphoria #tw dysmorphia #i don't know the difference and can't be bothered to google it #vent in readmore #seriously do not feel obligated to read i just need to get it out #i wanna cry im going to cry i hate my chest so much i hate that i have to deal with my body despite the fact i'll never use it i dont want- #-this consant assumption that i'll have kids one day anyways but i just hate my chest its so fucking big and uncomfortable and bras never- #-fucking make it GO AWAY they dont hold it in place and then i get fucking reminded of it every time i take a STEP and i can't ignore it- #-because it just gets worse and worse and weighs in the back of my mind and now i can't do Anything because i'm just fucking THINKING- #-about it and ive never felt more sure im not faking something in my Life because it's a physical feeling of Dread and Hate and FUCK i- #-hate them so much. i dont want to see them i dont want to deal with them i dont want the weight on my chest i dont want the fucking- #-FEELINGS and theres no way to solve it why cant i just have a small chest at least why do i have to have these stupid fucking things- #-and i'm pretty sure it's just body dysmorphia but i don't have it for any other part of my body Ever and definitely never in this amount- #-i don't know maybe im demigender or something i dont fucking know i cant figure it out its fucking exhausting nothing feels right and- #-i know she/her doesn't Feel fully right but then i keep thinking no im just trying to be like everyone else and i dont think i am because- #-i dont fucking Want this confusion and hate and everything but i dont know. feminine doesn't feel wrong but Female and Woman and Girl- #-don't feel right either. and she/her doesn't feel Wrong like i'm not upset by it irl at all so. fuck. sorry. i just wish i could figure- #-it out. and i wish i didnt have this stupid chest. yeag.