My Mortal Enemy
Find it on Ao3
Summary: I saw a tumblr post that said, reader insert fic but make it about being enemies instead of lovers, and I immediately came up with this. Read either as an OC or yourself as you go about your day, and finish by curb stomping Sasuke. First chapter is an OC, inspired by the writing style in My Immortal. The second chapter is the same plot but reader insert, inspired by cringey wattpad writing.
A/N: Repost bc i hated the format it was in before. In case it is not clear, this is satire, anyway hope it makes you giggle, also ao3 has a reader version in chapter 2, its the same thing but y/n instead of the oc
I, Blake Dracon’ia Lunacy Crow Wentz, woke up in my cozy bed in Konoha and turned on my favorite Waterparks song (A/N: I know they don't exist in the Naruto world but suc my pp i can do what i want XP) No one else I know listens to them, but I guess I'm quirky like that. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror, I have long midnight black hair (which matches my soul xD) and have two different colored orbs, one pink, and one that's almost darker than my hair. I then turned my attention downward to my big ol’ honkin tiddies. They have been huge since I started puberty when I was 11, now I am 18 and they are impossibly large. Continuing downward I saw my tiny, 24 inch waist; that in combination with my humongo tiddies and juicy earthquake creating ass made me the object of every boy’s attention. I mean my cheeks are just constantly clapping as I walked it made being a sneaky ninja so hard DX, like if I were to run or twerk it would cause a 8.0 earthquake, and if I were sprinting or throwing it back for a real one, it also creates a sonic boom, shattering every eardrum in a 100 yard radius. All of these problems are manageable tho bc I have the tightest, moistest, Gorilla Grip™ coochie, like it sounds like a fresh pot of Kraft mac n cheese.
Then I got changed into my favorite clothes. I put on a v-neck fishnet bodysuit and black Sleeping with Sirens crop top, which was just the right length to cover my nips, and show off the tattoo on my stomach that said “For my vampire boyfriend’s eyes only” with two arrows pointing downwards and upwards. I also put on cute pink leather assless chaps with a lot of chains on them, with a checkered studded belt to hold them up. Then I pulled on my ginormous 12 inch stilettos that have skulls and glitter all over them (If you think the way she dresses is “slutty” then get da hell out of here!!!!) Then I put my super long black hair into high pigtails which made me super Kawaii!!! And then I did my make up. Yes I put on makeup, but not for anyone, I do it for me, so that the outside matches the inside. I used stickers and blush to make it look like there were heart freckles on my face and I put my eyeliner on so that it looked super sharp and pointy. I also made my lipstick look like I had just eaten a cherry popsicle, so it was super concentrated in the center and faded out. To finish off the look, I put on my ninja forehead guard, but tied it around my super tiny waist and I was ready to go out and get groceries.
I had finished getting my groceries, which were mainly dumplings, takis, and Monster energy drink, when I saw HIM, my mortal enemy, Sasuke Uchiha. Ever since the academy, we hated each other, it was a constant battle to see who was more angst, emo, punk, and goth than the other. He doesn't even care about his friends!!! So not punk or Cash Money! I mean I also had a tragic backstory. My dad was an Uchiha, who had an affair with a Hyuga, meaning I was born with both types of dojutsu, then when I was two, they were both killed by Madara Uchiha, who then watched over me until the actual Sage of Six Paths beat him up and he gave me the Rinnegan, and made me capable of using all the powers of the tailed beasts (even the ten-tails!!;!!,.!!) And no, despite all of this I am NOT op. Point blank periodt!!!!
Anyway Sasuke and I caught eyes because the clap of my ass cheeks alerted him from across the street, and he ran towards me activating his sharingan/rinnegan. But he was too late, had already used my Super Speed Shadow Asscheeks Jutsu, causing him to go deaf, and I activated my Byakugan, Sharingan, and Rinnegan Combo eyes. (I can use them all individually but this is my mortal enemy, so I can't take any chances >:3c) Because of my dojutsu. Sasuke just stood there, and I used my taijustu skills to beat the shit out of him.
By now we had attracted a huge crowd, Naruto was there, looking mad because I was beating up his boyfriend (If you dont think theyre boyfriends then you're homophobic!!/11) Sakura and Ino were also there clinging to each other for safety because while they used to like like Sasuke, they realized over the 4th Shinobi war that they were actually in love with each other and got married as soon as the battle was over!! (If you dont think Sakura and Ino would be girlfriends if Kishimoto actually knew how to write a well rounded female character then you’re still homophobic!!!) Then from the crowd I heard Shikamaru and Kakashi and Kurenai cheering me on!!!
“Yes girl curb stomp the shit out of him!!!”
“Show him who’s boss!!!”
“Teach him about what a Poser he is!!! He doesn’t even know who Brendon Urie is !!!!!”
That line got me really mad, How can you even pretend to be emo or punk without knowing who Brendon Urie is????????!!!!! >:^(((. So I concentrated all my chakra into my fist, (like Tsunade but came up with the move first!!!!) and Pummeled Sasuke in the solar plexus, and he flew off into the air, up in the sky to space, a la Team Rocket (If u dont kno who they are then ur the biggest chump ever!!!!!) And then Sasuke came back down and said that I was the most goth, emo, punk person in the whole Land of Fire, and apologized for not knowing who Brendon Urie is. I wish he stayed up in space, but that would’ve made Naruto sad, and he’s my 6th cousin 9th removed, and keeping my friends and family happy is part of my Ninja Way! Believe it!
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