#i know Verin would have been a likely target for these

[moiraineswife]

Moiraine And Lan - The Inability To Communicate Trauma

Hello friends. It has been quite some time. Quite some time since I have: absolutely lost all my fucking shit over my blorbos at great length via a long and quotation filled tumblr meta. Fear not: the status quo of the universe returns, and I am once again: back on my bullshit (literally hours before the next episode airs and this gets drowned/replaced with New Content. Because I’m smart like that). ANYWAY.

Today we’re going to discuss: Mo and Lan and the singular moron-flavoured braincell they share, bond or no bond. More seriously, however: I’ve noticed a few bits of commentary/takes/analysis of the current state of their…well state, let’s be frank here, and realised that my contrary ass has: Different Opinions. So I figured I’d share them. Bc that’s what I do.

(Obligatory disclaimer that there is no right or wrong way to interpret something - that’s why it’s an interpretation, and this is not a call out or a “oh wow you’re wrong and here’s why!!!!” post directed at anyone or anything. Just my observation that I am going against the grain of what I’ve seen and thus throwing out: a new chew toy for us to gnaw on).

Also: please do note that this post will cover, rather extensively/in-depth, the trauma arc that Lan and Moiraine are going through at the moment and will contain trigger warnings for: depression, PTSD, trauma response, rape (in the context of the analogy that Verin presented), suicide, suicidal ideation, suicidal attempt (again: all in the context of the show/previous events), and everything related to the topics that have been raised in the first two episodes for these characters. Be safe and tap out if you need to!

So. Obligatory wiffle aside: what shall we discuss? In a nutshell (bc I’m real good at that) I’m covering how, as I see it/am fascinated by it: the responses that they’re having to each other at the moment are mirrors/insights into the responses that they’re each having to the recent traumas that they’ve both suffered. In more depth/the points where I think I differ from the norm we’re going to cover: 

1)-why Lan is: not an idiot, actually. I see it as him being still perfectly capable of READING/understanding Moiraine without the bond; what he’s having difficulty with is COMMUNICATING with her without the bond

2)- that Moiraine is actually: ALSO failing dismally at communicating with Lan, and that she’s doing: a real fucking bad job of manipulating him. (is she HURTING him? Yes. 100%. Is she MANIPULATING him into doing what she wants? Given that she clearly wants nothing more than for him to: leave her, and that after 5 solid months he has: not left, I’m just going to put out the idea that maybe she’s not quite meeting her all of her targets in this area.

3)- wow they’re both doing incredibly stupid things, and they’re doing them for the same incredibly stupid reasons, and they are, in fact: INCREDIBLY THE SAME. See: singular moron-flavoured brain cell. This manifests slightly differently, due to their own individual traumas influencing the specifics of their actions/thought processes - but the general underlying thesis is the same for both.

The TL;DR here is that: these weirdos still know each other, and love each other, and understand each other without their bond. Can they communicate any of what they want to communicate in any kind of effective way? No. No they cannot. They BOTH suck. (I say that with legitimately all the love in the world).

So. Let’s start with Lan. Purely because I think my takes on him are the most Spicy/differ the most from everyone else’s and, let’s be honest, everything here feeds into everything else and this is going to get complicated where I start SO. Drama first. (I think it’s what they would want).

Okay so first and foremost I want to try and establish/explain what I mentioned at the outset of this thing which is: Lan is not blind, he’s not stupid, and he is not suddenly completely and utterly incapable of understanding a single feel that Moiraine feels if he can’t feel it with her via bond.

The largest and most obvious piece of evidence for this feels like the best one to start with and, for me, this is the fact that: HE DIRECTLY AND COMPLETELY CALLS HER OUT ON HER BULLSHIT, TO HER FACE, TWICE!!! 

“Don’t smile at me. You can shut me out, try to drive me away, but don’t you dare smile at me. As though everything is fine. As though you don’t know exactly what you’re doing.”

This is from episode 1, where he finally snaps at her after she gives him that fake ass little smile and is like ‘is an aes sedai not allowed her secrets’ when he tries to talk to her/get her to explain: literally anything to him. And THAT is what pushes him over the edge. 

She has been cold. She has been dismissive. She has flat out ignored him like he’s not even present. He has taken it all. Not happily, and with obvious frustration, but he hasn’t said a peep. Not when she gives him one brusque, dismissive one-word orders (“door”) like a dog. Or when she deliberately turns away from him and refuses to so much as look at them - he endures all of that and just takes it and let’s her do it. Because he understands that this is her current expression of: not being fine. 

If she WAS fine, she would not be doing these things, and he knows that, and I think sees it as something like a storm to weather? It is something that will pass (he hopes) if he has the patience and the strength to wait it out. When she smiles at him? When she tries to make a JOKE out of what she’s doing? Out of the secrets that she’s been keeping from him - secrets like the fact that she was planning on going to the Eye of the World to die without him - THAT is not acceptable. She’s smiling at him and trying to joke with him as though they’re still capable of that - as though they can still tease each other the way they did, as though things are fine, both in herself, and between them, and they are NOT. When she’s treating him like a slave, or a stranger, or an annoyance - that is strangely better - because it’s this unspoken acknowledgement/agreement (the only one they’ve been able to achieve) that this is because things are not fine. She treats him badly because she’s not fine, he KNOWS she’s treating him badly because she’s not fine - is a strange kind of shared truth. Like sarcasm - something said/done where both parties know that the meaning/intent is completely different. Smiling, joking, pretending she’s fine? That is an insult, because he knows damn well she is NOT in that place.

Okay, so let’s look at the second instance of this, which occurs in episode 2 (oh how quaint) and is as follows: 

L: “Then tell me! You and I have walked this path together. Every step, every choice, every sacrifice.”

M: “We have never walked this path together. You have never seen the forest for the trees because I have never shown it to you.”

L: “I know what you’re trying to do. You can’t push me away.”

Again, as with the previous scene, he tries to get her to talk to him, to stop keeping secrets from him, to share this with her and let him help her carry her burdens the way they always have. She puts him walls, she, again, tries to force distance - she tells him that they have never been together as he says. And he calls her out. AGAIN. He knows what she’s trying to do. It hasn’t changed. She’s still just doing the same thing she’s been doing from the start of episode 1 - trying to force him away, because she’s desperate, and she’s suffering, and she doesn’t have anything else but this - even if he knows what she’s doing, even if it hasn’t worked so far. 

Both of them are guilty of this - both of them get one idea stuck in their minds of how to handle this situation/how to fix everything, and they both refuse to change. They both dig their heels in, plant their stakes, pick their hills to die on, and are refuse to budge for love, money, or common sense. For Lan it’s in trying to get her to talk, to open up, to push back on the destructive coping mechanisms she’s got - trying to force her to include him, tying to force her to include herself and come to dinner with them etc. For Mo it’s this: it’s pushing him away, because she is no longer worthy of him (and believes she never was) and protecting him.

(to continue this: unhinged adventure, pls continue under the cut!)

So she commits to this, even if she honestly knows it probably won’t work now, either. (she empties her entire quiver on him in this scene, and the atomic bomb she had in her back pocket too for good measure. These things she’s been holding back in reserve, the last cards to play - that she misled him about Rand’s death, that she has discovered they (and notice that she still says “we” when she talks about this - even though she went to the Eye alone, even though she made that choice alone, even though she rejects the idea that they have been together on this quest, as he says - when she is not actively choosing every word to hurt him, she thinks of them and what they’ve done as an unconscious “we” and a unit) have freed Ishamael/possibly other Forsaken - one after the other, meant to just overwhelm him and be the final coup de grace. And it STILL doesn’t work. She unleashes everything she has on him and he STILL insists that he’s not leaving her. And it’s because he knows - as he just said - what she’s doing, and why. And he will not let her. And he says that to her “I’m not letting you walk away from me again” - because the last time he did: she went to the Eye to get herself killed. And it’s only by some miracle and twist of cruelty that she was left alive to suffer instead.

Also I’m going to take a brief sidebar here, before we move on to Further Evidence/thoughts on this. But I think that it’s really important to consider LAN’S trauma in what he’s doing and why? Like, I think people are doing this for Mo already? They recognise that she wouldn’t be behaving this way if she 1)- wasn’t trying to protect Lan (her intention) and 2)- wasn’t suffering the effects of her trauma/being cut off from the Power at the Eye. Lan is a little less obvious (both in that his trauma is not a single fixed point/event that’s very obvious and easy to refer back to; and that he’s a bit less blunt Lan Mo’s “brick to the face” techniques and motivations) but, as I said at the start: his reactions to Mo are a direct reflection/window into his own trauma responses.

So, as I just mentioned - Lan is SO adamant about not leaving Moiraine, not giving her the opportunity to distance them/push him away - because the last time she did that, in just nudging him, like, an inch to the left, she used that to mask their bond and skip off into the Blight to go get herself killed with Rand. And there is: no doubt, and no question, and no room for wiggling or negotiation on this. They BOTH were FULLY aware that that was a suicide mission. The first thing he says to her when he finds her is “you’re alive” - because he was sure that history was repeating on him.

Because I think that it’s very important to not just consider Mo’s actions here, I think it’s important to remember Lan’s experience with Stepin as well. The two played out very similarly for him/parallel each other almost exactly. They both talked to him about Nynaeve, encouraging him to seek a love and a life with her. They both manipulated him/the circumstances to make it impossible for him to try and protect them - Stepin by drugging him, and Moiraine by masking the bond so he was unable to sense her, so that they could leave him. They both had clear plans and intentions - and both of their ultimate goals was for it to end in their death (obviously the REASONS behind this are very different - Mo was trying to save the world; while Stepin’s had already ended). But in both cases, Lan wakes up alone, realising that they’ve left him, realising, instantly, what they intend to do and in both cases: he was too late and he feels that he failed. Stepin he finds dead - and the only reason that he DOESN’T find that has happened to Mo is not because of something he did, it’s not because he got to her in time, it’s not because he protected her, it’s not because HE did anything at all - it’s just because some whim of cruelty decided to spare her. And these two events happen within, like, a week of each other I want to say? Like that’s…That’s an incredibly damaging and traumatising thing to go through ONCE - but back to back? How guilty must he have felt? How ANGRY with himself? Because how could he not have learned? How could he have let this happen AGAIN?

Of course he’s terrified now. Of course he’s terrified that if he leaves she’s going to die. Of course he refuses - past the point of any sense or reason - to just back down and leave. He is certain that if he does it will mean the death of the person that he loves the most in this world. And it will be HIS fault. She’s being cruel to him, she’s pushing him away, she’s ignoring him, she’s ordering him around, she’s deliberately pushing every button he’s got, and stabbing her knife in every sensitive spot she’s discovered over the last twenty years. And what kind of weak, selfish, useless person would he be to let that be all it takes for him to just say ‘well fine, I’ll just abandon you and let you kill yourself without me’. He cannot fail again. He WILL NOT fail again. He has been here, history is repeating on him again and he will not let it. Whatever she says to him. However she hurts him. Whatever he has to endure to weather this storm with her he will. Because none of this pain even comes CLOSE to what it will be like if he leaves her and she hurts herself and that is entirely his fault.

(Note: I do not actually think that Moiraine is actively suicidal at this point. As Verin notes - she chooses to fight every day. She wakes up, she fills her buckets, she puts one foot in front of the other and she clearly keeps going. It’s wobbly, and it’s messy, and she’s clearly grieving and depressed and traumatised - but she is not suicidal. Does LAN know that? Can Lan, without the bond, and with Stepin, and the Eye, haunting him even begin to scrape together the required rationality to see that? No. Lan sees Moiraine as being in just as much danger as she sees him being in and all he can do, all he has left to do in this world is protect her. And so he will).

To conclude the wrap of: the most painful breakup scene in the history of the world (for me and my present blorbos at this present moment in time, anyway) I want to just talk about the infamous “we were never equals”. And a lot of it has been covered, and I agree with the takes that Moiraine does not believe herself equal to Lan (and never did (SELF ESTEEM ISSUES!? IN MY CODEPENDENT PLATONIC SOULMATE RELATIONSHIP!? NOOOOO!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)) and that is how she’s able to say this oath wise. I just want to touch on the fact that some people seem to be like ‘bro how can u not see what she’s saying DIRECTLY TO UR FACE, BRO!? COME ON LAN. LISTEN!!!!’ and like. So, to bring up a controversial and possible shocking observation: Lan is, in fact: still a human being! Emotions are messy, and logic is a fine and wonderful thing from a couch, yelling at your tv screen, and with the delightful ability to rewind and replay conversations/moments in time to be able to link them together nicely.

But Moiraine has been cruel to him for months at this point in an effort to drive him away. And, as discussed - he knows what she’s doing. He knows WHY she’s doing it. He is enduring it and putting up with it and stomaching it without throwing things at her because he knows it’s an expression of pain and is a reaction to what she’s been through. But he’s also hurt by it. Not least because: even if she’s only SAYING these things to hurt him/drive him away - she still believes them enough that they’re true for her to be able to actually get them out of her mouth. That HURTS. That’s going to break you down, that’s going to GET to you, that’s going to be thing that keeps him up at night and just echoes in his head over and over again and like - my man’s self-esteem and self-worth wasn’t actually sitting up at the peak of Dragonmount BEFORE 5 months of this, like dear Light people.

To have the person you love the most in this world tell you that “I don’t want my saddle to slip” (I don’t trust you to do this for me), to have her admit that she deliberately misled him, that she has actively kept important, possibly world-changing events from you, that she says, to your face - the thing that you are MOST afraid of, the thing that tormented him via Machin Shin, the thing that torments him still about Stepin - that he FAILED her? For her to believe that so firmly that it’s truth to her? Of course he doesn’t think he’s worthy of her? Of course he’s willing to take what she says at face value. SHE CAN’T FUCKING LIE!!!! And the set-up to this is so important, because she goes right for the jugular in this scene, and she does so repeatedly, in quick succession.

So she hits him with: ‘actually I lied when I said before that WE were going to the Tower - I’m going on my own without you. We yote a forsaken out into the world OOPS. -I refuse to explain anything to you. -We have never been walking this path together. -I have never showed you everything, I have always hidden things from you. -OH also ur lil sheepherder dude is actually: not dead and never was, I #lied to ur face abt that. -I am loyal to the Dragon - and ONLY him. -You can’t protect me anymore without the bond. -No, you’re not my Warder, you failed me, and I would be dead in spite of you if not for the help of people more competent than you. -ALSO here’s our good buddy Alanna and I am going to THREATEN TO HAVE HER TAKE YOUR BOND BY FORCE IF YOU KEEP REFUSING ME and I arranged this ahead of time to make this right. ALL of this gets dumped on his head in the space of LITERALLY AROUND TWO MINUTES. Like damn Mo the bloody Fades were less efficient than that.

He has just had all of that thrown in his face - the things she’s been holding back, keeping in case she needed them - her lying to him, her isolating him, her NEVER walking this path with him or ever showing him all that she saw, telling him that he is not her Warder anymore, that he has FAILED to protect her, that she will have him bonded against his will just to get rid of him. And he stands there on the ground, while she gazes down at him from on top of her horse (which she mounted - for the first time we’ve seen on screen - without his aid (which is a GUTTING little touch, because we see him smoothly and seamlessly help her mount a couple of times in season 1)) and she just says, to his face, the TRUTH, as he asked for: they were never equals.

And she can say that because she believes that he is better than her, and we know that, but can you blame him for not quite catching that in the moment????? She’s just told him that he’s a failure, that she’d be dead and he didn’t do a damn thing to protect her, that she will have someone bond him forcibly - and in this moment she just says what he’s been thinking for months, for YEARS honestly, given what machin shin torments him with “you can’t protect her. You’ll watch her die.” Of course he believes it. He is ALREADY taking an irrational level of responsibility over all of this, over what he perceives as his failures.

Adeleas calls him out for this and tells him he’s taking it too personally (and he IS) - he is assuming responsibility for not preventing something as though that means that he caused it. And again: this is a trauma response. This is an overreaction to a perceived series of circumstances that led to the death of a friend he’s had for possibly decades, to the one person he is supposed to protect, who he let go on a suicide mission alone so that he could get fucking laid, who he let slip away from him AGAIN to get attacked by Fades - where he failed her FOR A THIRD TIME. But like…He starts this little conversation off with her by apologising because he didn’t sense the Fades. He has: absolutely no way, reasonable or other ways, to sense INVISIBLE CREATURES THAT MOVE THROUGH SHADOW without the bond giving him the ability to do so. It’s a ridiculous thing to say. It has no logic to it at all and that’s the POINT. He is not capable of logic about this situation. He is blaming himself for everything - every single thing he can think of, whether it’s reasonable or not, is his fault, and his responsibility - he should have sensed the fades, he should have sensed her leaving, he should have stopped her going to the Eye, he should have stopped her from being cut off. He is trying to assert control, he is trying to assign blame and reason to the things that have happened to him - to the losses he has suffered - so that he can stop suffering them. And he can’t. He can’t. It happens over. And over. And over. AND OVER again. The trolloc blade that hit Moiraine in the Two Rivers and nearly killing her. Logain’s shield exploding and the axe handle piercing her side and nearly killing her. Being drugged by Stepin who killed himself while Lan was absent. Letting himself be distracted by Nynaeve while Mo went to the Eye. Missing Mo leaving AGAIN and her being attacked by the Fades. Actually getting there while the attack was in progress finally at LAST being able to DO something, to STOP something - and he can’t even fucking manage that. Over and over and over he fails people and he loses them and it’s his fault and he can’t stop it. He’s been retraumatised by circumstance, and is now retraumatising HIMSELF by adding even more perceived failings to the existing tally. Of course he believes her. He’s just been waiting for her to say that to him from the day they bonded. NO ONE IN THIS DYNAMIC HAS ANY SELF-ESTEEM. LIKE THEY STARTED WITH ZERO TOTAL AND SOMEHOW IT’S GOTTEN WORSE.

Okay so shifting focus slightly for the last thing I want to say about Lan, but still related, because: the problem (for me) is not that they cannot read/understand each other, it’s that they cannot COMMUNICATE with each other. And there is a distinction here. Lan’s issue is not lack of understanding where Mo is at - he sees her suffering, knows she’s not fine, understands she is reacting to the loss she endured at the Eye, he gets that. He’s known her for twenty years - bond or no bond - he knows what pain looks like when he sees it in her eyes. That’s not it. What he’s struggling with, and what he’s frustrated by is that they are not TALKING. He knows how she’s feeling - he doesn’t know what to do about that. He doesn’t know how to TALK about that with her. He doesn’t know how to fix it because she refuses to engage with it at all - and they’re SO bad at this that they don’t even get to the part where she can ignore him trying to talk abt the actual problem, bc she just nips it in the bud and ignores him/deflects him from the opening bland ‘small-talk’ set-up questions to start making forrays into that. 

Because before all of that would have happened instinctively via the bond - she feels the bad feels, he knows why, he sends the required good feels back/makes her tea/gives her an extra blanket/just responds without having to think about and, and this is the key point: without having to talk. Because, let’s be real here: these idiots BOTH suck at talking about their emotions/needs. Genuinely think they would both just lie on the ground and fucking die rather than say ‘I need a bandage because I’m BLEEDING PROFUSELY FROM EVERY ORIFICE.’ Because they’re deeply repressed, traumatised people who were never given the tools/language/space they needed to be able to safely and healthily learn to express their feels (but that…is a different piece of meta for another day). 

THE POINT IS: we’re now going to turn to my beloved, my man, my favourite, the myth, the legend, the ICON: Tomas and his tomatoes. And by this I do of course mean that we’re doing a deep dive of the scene where Tomas gives Lan some advice after they go out to the (absolutely THRIVING - good job my man) garden to pick some tomatoes for dinner (or at least….Tomas goes out to pick tomatoes for dinner; and Lan goes out to brood in his proximity while he does so. ) But eh. Tomayto, tomahto….) ANYWAY: 

So this scene gives Lan a chance to talk about losing the bond - and I think that is important as well? Likely obviously Moiraine is Going Through It here, and Lan hasn’t been cut off from the Power/isn’t dealing with that experience but WE DON’T PLAY TRAUMA OLYMPICS IN THIS HOUSE!!! PAIN IS PAIN AND IT SHOULD ALL BE VALIDATED AND DEALT WITH IN A CONSTRUCTIVE AND POSITIVE WAY. Ahem. Anyway. It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for: QUOTE TIME AGAIN;

“The bond made things easier. It was like a friend walking along with us chatting away so we never had to.”

I think this is a really interesting (and honestly fascinating) way to describe the bond - to personify it and see it as another individual existing between them and making things easier by doing the things that they both struggle to do - use their goddamn words. 

“She’s tired, she’s hungry, she’s angry, she’s afraid. Now silence.”

This part, too, I think is really telling. Because if I had to put money on it and pick out the Top 4 Feelings Moiraine Is Having I think I could do a lot worse than ‘tired, hungry, angry, and afraid’. He KNOWS how she’s feeling. He can read that in her still. He doesn’t need the bond to tell him that. That’s not what he’s missing. He doesn’t need the bond to point out what she’s feeling to him, and he doesn’t miss that aspect, he misses the ‘chatting away’, he misses the noise, he misses the COMMUNICATION, and he is struggling with the silence.

THAT is what the bond used to do for them - it used to ‘chat away so they never had to’. A friend, a helper, who facilitated between them and allowed them to communicate when they couldn’t speak/didn’t have the words. We see this over and over and OVER again in season 1. They have whole ass conversations without making a single peep. Most notably in extremely tense or emotional moments - Kerene’s funeral and the look they share, Lan struggling with Stepin’s grief, coming to Moiraine, kneeling beside her, holding her hand - so much happens in that scene in particular. Without saying a word he communicates an exhaustion, a fatigue, a grief and a sorrow - a need for comfort and support - and she gives it. At Stepin’s funeral - the lookk that he gives her, the way he seeks her in the crowd, again needing her strength, which she gives to him through their bond and across a room. THAT’S what’s gone. That’s what he keeps trying to get back. 

Because he gives her that same look - that same obvious cry for help and look of desperation at the end of ep 1 with the Fade battle. He is WRECKED he is DONE, he’s disarmed, he cannot stand, he can barely crawl - he NEEDS her, he needs her strength, he needs her help. She tries to channel - she reaches for the power, as she would once have reached for him through their bond - and it does not come. It is not there. It cannot help them. And the words that he speaks to her then echo a repeated sentiment he’s had for her throughout: “what aren’t you telling me?”

The bond isn’t there to talk for her anymore. And she refuses. Consistently. Verin and Adeleas comment on Bayle visiting - and Lan notes that she doesn’t tell him any more than she tells them. After Bayle is gone, Lan tries to small talk, he slaps on a casual little smile and he asks a mundane ‘let’s start the ball rolling on that conversation thing’ question, easy to answer, nothing tense, nothing painful, a very common “how did it go?” she ignores him. He presses further - asks who that person was? She gives him the bare minimum (and doesn’t answer the question he’s ACTUALLY asking) and then he tries to push again - what did she want. At which point she hits him with that fake smile and the ‘can an aes sedai not have her secrets?’ - and he’s not even really asking for much. He’s not asking what he actually wants to ask which is: how are you? Are you okay? What can I do? What do you need? What are you thinking? And this idea repeats - in ep 2, when he tries to point out it takes 8 aes sedai to cut someone off, she snaps that he has no conception of the power the forsaken have - so he snaps at her to tell him then. And she refuses. 

They are both FEELING - and their feelings are seen. Lan sees how Mo struggles he sees how she shuts herself away, he sees that she’s not eating, and not sleeping, that she’s frustrated, and she’s frightened. Mo sees that she’s hurting him, she sees that he’s frustrated as well. They know this. But they’re not TALKING. They’re not COMMUNICATING. And at the dinner sequence - this is what Verin, Adeleas and Tomas try to give them advice about - their history is the “common language” that they are; maybe he needs to listen to what she IS saying and not try and demand her to say other things. They don’t know how to talk about things like this - they’re not good at that ANYWAY - but with each other? When they’ve never had to before? When for once, for the first time for both of them, it was effortless to share these things and communicate these deep insecurities and emotions that they struggle to give to others? THAT’S what they’re lacking and that’s what the biggest problem is.

Alright let’s leave poor Lan be for now, I have tormented him enough. On to Momo. This will (hopefully, dear god) be shorter, because people have covered Mo before. We know that she’s traumatised, we know she’s trying to push Lan away to protect him, we know she’s trying to regain control, she feels powerless, she feels helpless, she is trying to deal with something life-altering, something that made her vulnerable and helpless, she’s being reckless with her safety, she’s taking foolish risks etc etc.

The point I want to touch on here is the idea around her ‘manipulating’ Lan, because I usually see this go hand-in-hand with the Lan stuff I talked about already. Largely: how ironic that without the bond Lan doesn’t understand her/cannot read her, but Moiraine is doing it so well with him and i must: respectfully decline to go along with that perspective. And this is (I imagine u know what im going to say now) *inhales deeply* because they SUCK AT COMMUNICATING!!!! 

It doesn’t really MATTER that he is trying to open her up/communicate that he loves her, and he’s there for her, and he wants to support her; while she is trying to communicate the same - she loves him, she cares about him, she wants to protect him. They are both: failing dismally. Lan’s incessant pestering of Mo to talk to him is just making her clam up more and more because she can’t and what’s more: she doesn’t bloody want to. She wants to shove her trauma under a rug in the corner of Verin’s study, and then she wants to drag a bookshelf over the top of it, and then she wants to fill the bookcase with books, and then she wants to put a whole bunch of extra things on top of the bookcase, and then she wants to flee the country and forget that any of that ever exists because she does not want to deal with it. And Lan keeps pushing. He keeps trying to make her talk, because he’s desperate, and he misses the chattering of their friend the bond, and he wants to help, her wants her to let him back in, and it’s just pissing her off. Which is what the cottage squad calls him out for (when will Mo get her ‘come to jesus’ talk?? For Fairness? Like i need this too).

So Lan is coming at this: far too softly, and far too indirectly in a lot of ways. He never asks about what he actually wants to ask about. He talks about the weather, or how shiny Aldieb’s coat is this morning, or how nice and red and juicy Tomas’s tomatoes are. He never actually just says what he wants to say which is: “I love you, and I’m worried about you, and I’m failing you more and more every day and I’m sorry and I need you” he pussyfoots around it and avoids it and lets her shut him down because that hurts and, well, he deserves that hurt so alright then.

And then there’s Mo. Who has managed to somehow twist the logic of the universe so that she can say “I love you” by, uh *checks notes*: Not saying anything at all/ignoring him. Or by saying things like “you failed me” instead. Because she is just THAT powerful. Okay I’m being a bit sarcastic here, clearly, but she has convinced herself (based on how her trauma is affecting her) that she: 1)- does not deserve Lan/is not worthy of him and so he should leave her so he can be happy and 2)- she needs to protect him and so he should leave her and go and be safe.

Maybe she tried to articulate this at some point? Sit him and down and be like ‘okay Allan so I know u have a lot of trauma abt, like, being abandoned/being left behind so ppl u love can go do themselves great harm but…it would REALLY be just swell for me if u left me all by myself while i go through possibly the worst things that’s ever happened to me: alone. Okay? Okay.” However I doubt this. Bc, as previously and repeatedly discussed: these two can’t communicate for SHIT right now.

I think she probably made some sort of roundabout suggestion? Like she didn’t directly say ‘you need to leave me because reasons’ but she probably…asked him to go the White Tower and watch over Nyn and Eggy, or maybe go with Perrin and the Shienarans to help, or even ‘hey remember Mat? The little scrungly one?? I wonder where he is’ and he just told her ‘absolutely fucking not’ (or words to that effect) so she had to try something else instead. Which is: being mean af.

So far so good and I think we’re all (relatively) in agreement to this point. But then people think…She’s being successful here? And she’s reading him well - largely because she knows EXACTLY what to say to hurt him? And yes, she absolutely does, I will 100% give you that. Blade directly to the heart each and every time, she never misses. HOWEVER. This is not the actual point. Causing Lan pain is not her endgame - it’s actually just the painful middle step that’s hurting her too to try and get her to her endgame.

Manipulation essentially involves doing ‘y’ (in this case being deliberately cruel/causing Lan pain) to make the person do ‘x’ (in this case: push Lan away and make him leave her), in theory/if it’s super successful: without the person realising that you’ve orchestrated this/making it seem like it was all their idea/decision. This is, uh, not working too great. It’s been 5 months and Lan is probably less likely to leave her now than he was when she started (because he now has 5 months worth of knowing that she is actively trying to get him to leave so she can do the Light only knows what and if that’s what she wants him to do while she’s in this state then it’s absolutely the last thing that he feels he should do - so in that sense this has actually backfired kinda spectacularly on Mo. Because: SHE’S COMMUNICATING JUST AS BADLY AS HE IS!!!!!!!!!! Just. On the COMPLETE opposite end of the spectrum to him. Because they’re drama and aesthetic that way.

And the added bonus content of this is: she CAN do this. She can (and does) manipulate people spectacularly well. Take Bayle for example (god she needed that little win SO badly, bless her and her buckets). She wanted: to see/examine the broken heartstone - but what is she actually going to DO with it? She doesn’t want to put it in a fancy display case or collect it, she wants to know WHY it broke. So what she ACTUALLY wants from him is information. Information such as: the poem. So she haggles with him on the thing she actually wants - makes him feel like he’s getting a win when he agrees to budge on that, far cheaper, item - but then he counters and says that he won’t move on the heartstone chunk itself - which she has no interest in. So she gets her essential infodump poem for a bargain price, and takes Bayle down like six pegs in the process. 10/10, excellently managed misdirection, making him do all the work and lowering the price of the poem so she didn’t even have to ask for it, and making himself look like a plonker into the bargain. Delicious. She CAN manipulate people - she just cannot manipulate Lan (not in this instance/about this anyway) because she’s as wrongfooted as he is, and is scrambling as much as he is without the bond, to try and find a language she never thought she’d need to try and speak with him.

And so if we now consider BOTH of them: they’re in this very weird space here, where the traumas that they have suffered, and the reactions they’re having are placing them in this fundamental position of opposition. Because their needs/the things they believe/have convinced themselves they have to do put them in direct conflict with one another. They’re like an immovable object meets an unstoppable force, right? And this idea reveals itself in several smaller ways - eg: Lan thinking that Mo needs company and to not isolate herself to get better; while for Mo that just feels completely intolerable and she wants to be alone and in Her Space, her study, where she is in control and can pretend to her visitors/informants that all is well and nothing has changed. But I think the biggest point it revolves around/where it’s most obvious is that, ultimately, their absolute overall goal is to protect the other person?

The difference/tragedy of this is that: Moiraine believes fundamentally that Lan is in danger WITH her, and that she has to make him leave in order to protect him. Lan believes fundamentally that Moiraine will be in danger WITHOUT him and that he has to stay in order to protect her. And this is the hill they’ve both chosen as their last stand/thing to die for. So she is going to push him and push him and push him, and she is going to hurt HERSELF by being crueller and crueller and crueller to him to protect him. And all the while he is going to endure and endure and endure and let himself be hurt to protect her.

AND THEN IT GETS WORSE (or better if ur twisted and u enjoy these kinds of parallels the way i do) because: they are both stubbornly trying to protect the other; but they’re also both feeling like they’re martyring themselves/are hurting themselves more and more to do so. She feels like he is being stubborn and forcing her to hurt him more and more every day - which she does not want to do - when he could just go, just let this end, just leave her the way she clearly wants him to! But this will make her stronger. She will be stronger for this, for having let him go, and for knowing that at least she managed to protect him. So she will just keep going - tomorrow, that will do it, he has to break tomorrow, he has to finally break tomorrow. And this goes on. The next day. Maybe the next day. The next–

And then HE feels like he is enduring, and that the pain she is inflicting on him is his cross to bear, and he has to endure it because he will NOT leave her, no matter what she throws at him. And it’s almost a test of his will and his love and his devotion (even though I think he knows it’s not: but it’s kind of become his own little personal quest. Because yes. Yes he SHOULD suffer this way. She SHOULD hurt him like this. He deserves it after how he failed her. He has to take this pain. He has to prove what he’s willing to go through for her, prove how dedicated he is, how much he will suffer for her, how even she cannot break him). And he too is thinking that next day it will get better. If he can just endure, just survive this onslaught, it will end. It will get better. She will get better. This will pass. He just has to prove his strength and last as long as he needs to in order to see that through.

And, to bring us back to the start of this extremely long and rambling essay I present you my final, deeply insightful, deeply professional, deeply ~meta~ thought which is that: they are BOTH. SO. FUCKING. S T U P I D!!!! (in a genuinely really interesting and complex and  fascinating way, as i have hopefully discussed/explained - the idea that their lost bond/connection makes them mirror/echo each other but now in a destructive way? That instead of seamlessly and instinctively meeting each others’ needs they are both unconsciously and unintentionally triggering the other person’s trauma and making things WORSE? What an absolutely fascinating take/an incredibly subtle but profound way to show the depth of exactly what they’ve lost/how much it has affected them while ALSO rooting the entire thing in their individual traumas, experiences, and characters - like who ever wrote/conceived of this NEEDS A GODDAMN RAISE I SWEAR) But also yes they are: morons. Absolutely. Without a doubt. One singular moron brain cell that ping pongs between the two of them but is, fundamentally: the same. Absolutely fucking delighted. Can’t wait to see where this goes from here. Join me again in the future for me: ‘wow Rowyn that’s a whole lotta thoughts u got there buddy’.

Also I swear I’m friendly and I like engaging/talking with ppl! Pls feel free to comment/reblog/message!!! And do note that if u reblog i WILL read and appreciate ur tags bc im: one of those Old People. 

OKAY BYEEEEEE!!!

#moiraine damodred #moiraine sedai #lan mandragoran #molan #wheel of time #wheel of time prime #wot #wotprime #wotspoilers #wotshowspoilers #rosamund pike #daniel henney #wheel of time season 2 #wot s2 #wot meta #molan meta #my meta #look at all dat trauma #once again pls remember this was: stream of consciousness written with no forethought or afterthought #so no planning no editing no HINGES #yes i AM aware that this is about to get DEVOURED by content/posts abt the new ep but u know what? #i didnt claim to be smart #i just claimed to be unhinged #anyway i had a gr8 time with this im sure you'll all deeply appreciate my angsty insights making this all: Worse #pls enjoy #also pray for the readmore cut #i know this is long as shit #i TRIED #i TRIED REAL HARD TO PROTECT Y'ALL FROM THE ENDLESS SCROLL #but tumblr is: not a functional website

[aeor-is-for-reccing]

Babygast: A Shadowgast Rec List

This week, we have nine (nein) fics that feature Caleb and Essek being parents! Check them out below the cut, and don't forget to comment or leave kudos if you liked them!

Whistle Song by Chekhov (115412, Mature) Reccer's Content Notes: Implied past child abuse

Caleb and Essek find themselves the targets of the oddest Assassination attempt. They also get saddled with the Assassins themselves, because they can't find it in their hearts to leave them to their fate. Cue a long process of trying to understand what the hell is going on, and protect the two girls trying to kill them.

Reccer says: the characters are very well studied, Caleb and Essek are very IC, while exploring the sudden responsibility thrust upon them. I adore the twins, and I love the emotions conveyed, the conflict, the struggle to become something other than what they have been told they are, and accept the love and connection offered to them.

care under fire by hanap (2067, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn

Yasha comes to relieve Essek from the woes of new parenthood, when Caleb and their daughter are ill, and he is being stretched thin.

Reccer says: This fic is very sweet and a lovely little look into Caleb and Essek, but more broadly, the Nein's, future!

Lichtenberg Figures by Twistmalchik (2746, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: Male Pregnancy

Essek is uncomfortable one night from his and Caleb's daughter not breastfeeding any longer. Caleb helps him out in quite an unconventional way.

Reccer says: This fic is incredibly sweet and very, very hot! I love how the author approached this kink, it feels very validating as a trans reader and I appreciate that!

Family Resemblance by firefright (1289, General) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn

Verin meets Caleb and Essek's baby and is utterly charmed by her.

Reccer says: This is a very, very sweet fic of a lovely moment in time! I really love the banter between Essek and Verin, feels very accurate to their relationship.

Fond Mistakes by firefright (644, General) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Essek's and Caleb's daughter has a question for one of her fathers.

Reccer says: It's exactly the kind of question a child would ask irl, which makes it funnier.

the fugitive's version of shelter by hanap (28208, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: Male Pregnancy

Caleb and Essek navigate the early stages of their relationship, which is complicated by one, Essek's fugitive status, and two, his pregnancy with Ludinus' children.

Reccer says: This fic is lovely! The fact of Essek's entire situation creates very engaging, tense situations throughout the narrative, and seeing the wizards navigate through them is an absolute pleasure. Furthermore, Caleb's utter devotion to Essek and his children and their wellbeing is the sweetest and most integral element of the story, and makes the whole thing really nail the chosen family theme!

Everything New by Moonsp1r1t (2860, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: None

Caleb is a doting dad to his new baby and has to figure out babysitting arrangements

Reccer says: SUPER fluffy!!

And then two recs for: Lay Your Bones by LadyOrpheus (17166, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: None

When Essek is captured by the Dynasty, Verin finds himself in the unexpected position of meeting the Mighty Nein and meeting the niece he didn't know he had

Reccer 1 says: Very interesting character explorations plus a very cute baby! Fun plot too Reccer2 says: Babygast is the CUTEST. The parts with little Yuna are so sweet

Aeor is for Lovers is an 18+ Shadowgast Discord server. The above fanfic recommendations were pulled from our community for this weekly event. All fics, unless otherwise specified, will primarily feature Shadowgast.

Have any questions about what this is? Check out the FAQ! Next week, we're going to visit some old favorites again with a recurring theme!

#caleb widogast #essek thelyss #Shadowgast #Critical Role #CR Fic Recs #Parenting fic recs #babygast #kidfic

[cannoli-reader]

My notes watching Wheel of Time: Season 1, episode 3

Posted on readandfindout.com on 11/19/2021

4:00 – Not sure how I feel about Nynaeve using a weapon. Not that there’s anything wrong with it per se. But it’s just her thing, that she’s not a killer, but a Healer.

7:27 – By “you won’t” he meant “succeed” of course. Because Lan.

7:50 – Yes, Perrin is gone, too. Nice of you to remember.

9:30 – I kind of feel like it should be obvious to WoT Novices that the Dragon Reborn is probably not Perrin or Mat.

10:46 – Perrin was not nearly so sanguine ITB about Egwene’s channeling, and he should not have been, because that’s super dangerous as Verin points out in the next book, and Perrin’s deal is that he understands the dangers of things and grasps the importance of controlling power instead of using it. Because he’s really strong and waves heavy objects for a living and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And also, the One Power is the reason for every single aspect of WoT that is worse than the Real World, so people are more afraid of it than anything.

I kind of feel like they don’t get this and think they are fixing Perrin here, by making him supportive.

11:15 – And Egwene wants to go back home to look for their friends, instead of heading to Tar Valon. Like or hate her, like or hate this aspect of her character, it’s a big deal for her! Hell, ITB, she was adamant about not delaying their journey to the Tower for even the slightest detour even after Elyas demonstrated how much better off they would be in his company. Perrin even went on an uncharacteristically sarcastic mini-rant about it.

12:45 – Nynaeve would never require coercion or pressure of any sort to heal someone who was sick or hurt, for any reason. That is her thing. It’s as much her thing as Egwene’s ambition or Perrin’s caution. She would never hold out Healing in order to pressure someone into doing what she wants.

14:25 – Why be coy about her tracking? ITB she offered an explanation of her skills unsolicited.

I just realized that maybe she was embarrassed ITB in Baerlon, because she actually was more subconsciously relying on the link to Egwene and did not want to admit she was actually following a feeling she could not explain. Which, in turn, might explain her reluctance to answer Lan. Except in this version, there is still no explanation of how she then found Lan and Moiraine, rather than being drawn in Egwene’s direction.

17:28 – I like the dream if it’s Baalzamon trying to make Perrin fear the wolves, otherwise, wolves in his dreams were protecting him from Baalzamon. And shouldn’t be eating his dead wife.

17:40 – I’m imagining those snarls are wolvish for “Damnit Young Bull, we’re trying to help! There’s food over…no, not that way! Crap, someone find Long Tooth to talk to these idiots.”

20:13 – I feel like maybe the show people don’t know what the point of those cage things actually is. They are intended to make people die of exposure, a long, slow suffering. Not to hoist them up as target practice. One of those cages whose occupant is riddled with arrows looks like he was mercy-killed.

20:30 – Is this Whitebridge or Baerlon? It’s got a bridge, but it’s kind of shabby and miney for the former.

21:14 - >resigned sigh< I’m half expecting Min to be winning a drinking contest in this place. TV writers being all super-original and whatnot.

21:43 – Thom?

22:00 – Okay, guitar.

22:21 – Is this good singing? I can’t tell.

23:55 – A song about how sad LTT is would not be something people in the Third Age would appreciate.

24:52 – Saw that coming a mile away. Hood dude was a clear and obvious Film Pickpocket, but if he managed to get Thom, I’d have shut the browser window. Thom picking HIS pocket was the only way to stay true to the character. Happily.

25:07 – Please don’t let “donation for the gleeman” become the new “Toss a coin for your Witcher”.

25:13 – So with that essential character service out of the way, we can go on with Thom taking advantage of two hard-up young men in over their heads, because his mercenary attributes and greed are a thing with him.

25:53 – “Aawooo! Seriously, Young Bull! You’re going in the wrong direction for hunting or water. Just hold up, Long Tooth isn’t far!”

28:09 – Careful, barmaid. In Rand’s experience, doing the dishes means sex.

Ah, good thing she’s setting him to chop wood. No innuendo or euphemisms there.

29:00 – They don’t use scatological profanity in WoT. How hard is it to stick with “bloody” and “burn me” and “blood and ashes”? What’s gained by having Mat say “shit” all the time.

29:59 – Or sexual profanity. Not least because that tends to have sexist connotations.

30:17 – There’s a reason why Rand is mentioned as taking off his coat when doing chores for his room and board. It’s confining and gets in the way, especially a long flappy one like he’s wearing. Would it be too much trouble for TV writers to ever do a little manual labor so they know these things? Anyone who’s ever split wood would feel that shot was wrong.

32:02 – What exactly are we getting out of this whole scene in the bar? Turns out this is Breen’s Spring, so it’s not like this is an important locale they need to establish.

32:28 – This is NOT Mat! Even with the dagger affecting him for much longer, even when it has him thinking Rand will abandon him if he can’t keep up, he still sticks with Rand, protects him when he’s weak and gets him food and shelter.

32:55 – I don’t think the locals know the barmaid so well because of enforced familiarity, but because she’s prone to blabbering to even a stranger she was belittling moments ago for being lazy and useless. This is Sanderson all over again. Jordan wrote a million characters. We don’t need all this screen time devoted to a useless original one who serves no purpose.

35:56 – This is, like, exactly the opposite of how the Tinkers are presented. Why would you ever trust these creepy people without an intermediary like Elyas vouching for them?

36:30 – They haven’t actually been welcomed to the Tinker camp, because the show thought it would be better to have them seem creepy and shocking, so you get zero points for sticking with the book dialogue.

36:59 – “You both look awful and this is being said by people who appear not to have washed our top-knot man-bun dreadlocks in forever.” Why is so much TV dialogue putdowns, insults or mockery, even, or especially, between friendly characters?

38:18 – It’s almost like Perrin and Egwene tucked into their food so emphatically because they really want to finish and get away from the most evil person from Downton Abbey and her husband, Taika Waititi.

38:42 – Yay. Took off his coat.

38:47 – See, this is what I mean. You can dig into the barmaid’s comments to infer that she’s impressed with Rand’s work ethic and output, but it’s all negative. First, she’s questioning why he’s working when she let Mat off an hour ago, then she’s ironically noting that he’s chopped enough wood for the next year and when he asks for confirmation that he’s done enough to earn food and shelter, her manner of agreement is as if she’s trying anything but to say, “yes, good job, thank you.”

39:28 – And she’s only being actually nice when she’s being a good LGBTQ ally. Because that’s the highest virtue. And they’re playing it for laughs, so it’s not even like this is being woke.

39:53 – WHY have Rand and Mat each exchanged more words with the bar woman than with Thom? Or maybe even each other since coming into this town? They might have spent more time with her, each, than Lan and Nynaeve have interacted.

40:02 to 40:16 – Lan sitting on his horse looking over a cliff. Why? You couldn’t have him just ride up to Nynaeve and Moiraine and say he found it?

43:06 – “Stop acting like a bloody white-veiled Aiel” doesn’t have the same ring to it. Thom knowing about Aiel honor also feels wrong.

44:20 – I like Thom kind of teaching Mat a moral lesson here and being a good example. He doesn’t get enough credit for that ITB.

45:19 – And we’re back to the barmaid. She had better be a Darkfriend at this point.

48:00 – Okay. Better, but predictable. And no, the braid doesn’t make you look like Egwene when you’re easily 50 pounds heavier than she is and the nose ring only highlights another proboscis-related difference.

48:30 – I suppose it would make sense for a gleeman to have some knowledge of Aiel customs, even if he didn’t bury the guy properly, but you’d think that with that knowledge would come questions or speculation as to what one was doing so far out of his homeland.

50:36 – Dana the Darkfriend.

52:24 – Predictable can be satisfying. There was no way this monologue was ending without Thom’s knife suddenly sticking out of her. But it’s only satisfying because she’s been so annoying and pointless and taking up too much of the episode, not because she is actually scary as a chubby woman in a bulky dress trying to hold off two fit men.

54:38 – Since when do Aes Sedai address each other as “(Name) Sedai”?

How did we get through the introduction of the Tinkers with no reference in the whole episode to the Way of the Leaf? That's like a vegan's diet - they find a way to work it into every conversation.

#wot on prime #season 1 #timestamp annotations

[ariadne-mouse]

Dunamancy/graviturgy is very sexy battle magic, but I also want to know the absolute pettiest thing Essek’s done with his spells.  Immovable Object on someone’s important papers, or maybe their shoes (while they’re wearing them)?  Telekinesis to trip someone?  Adjust Density on something a person is carrying, but to make it heavier?  

#i know Verin would have been a likely target for these #but i really like to think that Essek has gotten petty at court #with that serene mask he's got to get his kicks in somewhere #essek thelyss #critical role #op

[adurna0]

Why Egwene was a better target for Lanfear’s machinations: The  Essay

By popular demand, here we are.

WARNING BOOK SPOILERS

So let’s examine, first of all, Lanfear’s usual MO. She goes up to 1 of the 3 EF boys. She tries to seduce him. (Note here that said seduction doesn’t always actually include actual seduction. Mostly it focuses on promises of power, knowledge and what have you.)

Now let’s have a look at her targets and their motivations/desires:

Rand al’Thor: This man is a shepherd. All he wants is to be a shepherd and a househusband. He doesn’t want power. He doesn’t want fame. He wants sheep, a wife (or three) and children. He’s had his fill of fame and power and he would like no more, thank you very much!

Mat Cauthon: Although one might think that Mat would make a good target, in reality Mat has had a taste of fame. And what did he get for it? Now everyone expects him to be the hero! Blood and ashes!

Perrin Aybara: Perhaps Lanfear’s least bright moment. Perrin’s only ever wanted to keep the people around him safe. Sure, power came to him and he eventually accepted it but it’s never been his goal!

So basically we’ve established that Lanfear has chosen the 3 most unambitious youths out there to try to corrupt.

Hang on a moment, though. You know which youth IS ambitious? That’s right! Egwene al’Vere! Egwene, whose world has always felt too small for her, who always wanted something more out of life, who wants knowledge, all the knowledge and she wants it now, who wants power, to keep her and her loved ones safe, to right the wrongs in the world as she perceives them, to avoid being a slave to anybody else’s will ever again and maybe, just maybe, some power just for herself.

If Lanfear had stopped being thirsty for men for one second? Well, Egwene’s right there and you absolutely cannot convince me she wouldn’t be at least tempted. That she wouldn’t be immediately intrigued by this mysterious woman offering her everything she’s ever wanted.

Now, Egwene’s a smart girl. She’d probably see through it better than the boys (minus Mat perhaps, because IIRC he was suspicious of her from the start), but would it stop her? Probably not, at least not for a while.

But how would this go down? Well, simple. Egwene would clearly think she’s manipulating Lanfear. And Lanfear, of course, would believe she’s manipulating Egwene. Think kind of like a Verin situation, but instead it’s the Dragon’s ex girlfriends squad.

Moving on to the when and where, this one is also not hard to work out. Lanfear is already at the Tower, masquerading as Else Grinwell. She meets Egwene again in a dream in the Heart of the Stone. She had plenty of chances there to make some... interesting proposals.

I think it’s a fascinating plotline that never happened, because 

How far could (would) Egwene have gone before she pulled herself back? (And I do believe she would pull herself back, this is the woman who gave her own life in the end for the Light.) 

How long would she keep it a secret from the others? How hard would Nynaeve box her ears when she inevitably found out? How would Elayne, ever the politician who knows what a good deal is, react? 

How much would they bond over stupid people being in charge of the world (see: Lanfear calling Ishamael a fool, Egwene despairing at the state of Aes Sedai politics) and their ex-boyfriend being an absolute woolhead? 

What sort of forever unacknowledged feelings would they both walk away from this with? And would this end with Egwene following a path closer to Lews Therin perhaps? Thinking that she’s the only one who can save the world? How would Rand react? Or would she see that potential in herself and find more common ground with Rand instead? 

Would Lanfear, on the other hand, be unchained from the Shadow, assuming she doesn’t fall into the doorway Ter’angreal because she had other plots instead? What would she do if Moridin hadn’t gotten a hold of her?

This is why, if you are reading this (you, yes, you, showrunner Rafe Judkins), I think it a smart move to not sleep on this potential. And yeah, maybe it’s best for the integrity of the story that this doesn’t go too far. But it’s such an interesting “what if” scenario that it would be fascinating if it was acknowledged in the narrative...

#wheel of time #the wheel of time #lanfear #egwene al'vere #unreasonably attractive fandom #wot book spoilers #wheel of time book spoilers #wheel of time books spoilers #a memory of light spoilers #amol spoilers #my meta

[minim236]

I'd love to request more of Phillipe's daughters interacting with the rest of the family & them choosing to be nice rather than using their impressive skills

They are nice on special, rare occasions. Not holidays, that's just fun.

They love the twins!

Verin - the aunt who doesn't want to hug them but she buys them toys, scares them into being good.

Stasia - I like to think she is the hugger aunt and will fill them up with sugar and blood just to mess with their parents.

Good sisters - sometimes!

Closest to Baldwin - He is their big brother, especially their only big brother left.

I always like to think Stasia and Baldwin would be close because we know little about her, but I imagine her to look as if butter wouldn't melt but piss her off and she burns the whole thing down.

Calls her brother - not a sign of weakness but because it's fun.

Verin and Hugh - are complete opposites but I like to think they may have been close because he would write her funny notes and poems, especially about men she would be sent to target.

Freyja and Godfrey - the family consciences. Told Philippe how it was and loved their nephews.

And of course, they all love Marthe! Marthe loves them two, but wishes they would carry fewer knives.

#adow headcanon #all souls trilogy #a discovery of witches #verin de clermont #freyja de clermont #stasia de clermont #baldwin montclair #godfrey de clermont #philippe de clermont #hugh de clermont

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

The list 1 option “he looks like he will keep you safe” has heart-wrenchingly tender shadowgast vibes 🥺

Same prompt, this time from the opposite direction!  Anon, you were looking for shadowgast, but this turned out more about Essek and The Blankest Of Blank Slates, My Boy Verin.  cw: alcohol and implied misuse thereof

    Verin finds his brother in the garden behind the Chateau.  Essek has always hated parties.  Loud, celebratory voices fade to the background.  A bottle dangles from Essek’s fingertips.  Verin hesitates, assessing the tableau from afar before approaching.  From the way the bottle swings heavily, he thinks it’s still about two-thirds full.  That bodes well for any conversation Verin wants to have with his brother.  Essek becomes very affable around the halfway mark before a steep drop into haunted silence.  Verin hopes to talk and take the bottle before this juncture.

    “I wondered when you would start nosing around.”  Essek does not look up from the flower he is admiring.  In the dark, they both see it in shades of grey.

    “Do you know what color that is during the day?”

    “The same color it is at night, unless you would like to get into the mechanics of refraction, wavelengths, and the philosophical—”

    “Not really.”  They see each other so rarely anymore that Verin is perpetually surprised to remember how weird his brother is.  Usually, the social niceties and the Shadowhand’s disaffect mask the weird, restless, waspish, occasionally shockingly kind rawness of him.  Verin wishes he didn’t have to pry his white-knuckled grip on his inhibitions off with alcohol.

    Essek makes a small noise of bored affront.  He touches a stamen and examines the pollen that clings to his fingertip.  He narrows his eyes, looks sidelong at Verin, and - moving slowly because no one wants to startle an Echo Knight - wipes the pollen off onto Verin’s lapel.  It leaves a pale grey smudge on the deeper grey of Verin’s tunic which is actually a beautiful wine red when he isn’t standing in the dark.

    “Thank you,” says Verin, treading uncertain waters.  “I think.”

    Essek seems pleased.  Verin tries not to be worried.

    “What are you doing out here?”

    “Making myself an easy target.”  Essek turns his attention back to the flowering plants that line the garden path.  They come in a bewildering variety and some of them smell heavenly.  He brushes a hand against them as he moves, leaving a trail of nodding stems and a few shaken petals.  Verin has no choice but to follow in his wake.  His footsteps crunch quietly on the gravel.  Essek’s do not.

    “I doubt that.”

    Essek looks back, a strange sort of quizzical hurt on his face.  “That I would try to protect them?”

    “That? Not at all.  You went into the Astral Sea for them—”

    “With them,” Essek corrects.

    “You went into the Astral Sea with them.”

    “I trust them.”

    “So you’ve said.”  Verin’s resolve chips.  “Do you trust me?”

    “You?”  Essek smiles and shakes his head.  “No.  You’re my brother.  I don’t have to trust you.”

    Verin chews that over, and feels his throat go tight.  “Oh.”

    “I know what you will do.  You are a constant.”  Essek’s eyes are undeniably fond.

    Verin thinks his brother just said he loves him, if he accounts for the twistiness of Essek’s mind.  “Oh…”

    Essek takes advantage of Verin’s distraction to draw a long sip from the bottle.  And— Yes, there it is: the flash of wide-eyed terror that chases Essek’s sincerity and needs immediate drowning.  “You were telling me what you doubted,” Essek reminds him.

    Verin shrugs.  “I doubt you’re ever an easy target.”

    “I’m mostly drunk in an unfamiliar garden in a foreign land, alone.”

    “I’m here.”

    “You don’t count.”

    This time, Verin really does laugh.  Essek struggles to keep the smile off his face.  Verin cannot remember the last time they joked together.  They must have been children, or just out of childhood.

    “Well, if you don’t accept my protection, that Widogast of yours looks like he would keep you safe.”

    Essek freezes, and Verin is certain he has ruined the fragile moment.  Essek swallows, makes to lift the bottle, stops, hunches his shoulders, corrects his posture to Court perfection, and looks thoroughly lost.  In a small voice, he asks, “Do you think so?”

    Verin recalls the intensity of Caleb Widowgast’s eyes on Essek’s profile against the firelight.  “I think so.”

    Essek coasts to a bench and sits three inches above it.  Verin sits down next to him, wrinkling his nose because the wood is damp with dew.  Essek passes Verin the bottle.  Verin guessed wrong, earlier; it’s about half empty.  “Don’t let me have that back,” Essek admonishes, bending to put his head in his hands.

    They sit together, quiet, in the sobering night air.

#thank you for the prompt! :D #Anonymous #Box attempts CritRole #Happy Fun Box of Writing #Essek Thelyss

[peach-the-owl]

The Shadowhand and the Taskhand

Essek & Child!Sorcerer!Reader

Request: Maybe another Essek x Child!Reader where the kid meets her uncle Verin for the first time and Essek is afraid that the child might like his brother more than him. And at the end of the day the child is like "It was fun with uncle Verin but damn he is exhausting me." and Essek laughs because "Same kid same" and the child maybe offhand saying that they love their dad Essek and Essek.exe stops working for a while

So I defiantly took a shot in the dark with Verin's personality, since we never got to see him in C2, but I think it works. This is a special request from @sirkekselord, so all bets are off the table… Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVELY FRIEND!! I hope I did you well 😁

Today was going to be a bit different, you weren’t told what, just that it'd be different. Sure you did like routine but getting to go and do something different was exciting (have I said different enough yet), although Essek did seem just the slightest bit reluctant about this.

"Are you okay? You look a little nervous." You say, seeing the more stern look resting on Essek's face. He blinks, clears his throat and looks down at you.

"Ah, well-" Before he can finish saying anything another voice cuts in.

"Brother! So good to see you again, it’s been a while!" You turn your head in the direction of the voice and see another drow walk over, wrap Essek up in his arms and ruffle up his hair much to Essek’s dismay.

"Hello to you too, Verin." Essek greets back monotonously, an unamused look on his face. You try to hold back a laugh at the personality difference between the two… keyword try. Your little snorts of laughter gain Verin's attention as he lets go of of his brother and walks up to you.

"Hi there little one, if I remember you’re (y/n). I’ve seen you before but we’ve never gotten to meet properly. I'm your uncle Verin… wait I just realized I’m an uncle now! Haha! Well Essek, didn’t think you’d ever have it in you to start a family. I’m very glad I was wrong." Verin shoots his brother a smile, placing one hand on his hip and the other patting Essek’s shoulder. Essek just sighs, rubbing at the bridge of his nose.

"It’s really nice to meet you too." You greet back, doing little to hide your giggling from Verin's antics. He kneels down as ruffles your hair before effortlessly lifting you into his arms and placing you on his shoulders. "Hey, what are you doing?" You question in delighted surprise.

"I thought you might like to see what good ol' Verin is made of." He looks over his shoulder at you, you stare back curiously and nod. "Come now, I shall be your valiant steed and we shall head to the training grounds. Hold on tight!"

"I wouldn’t-" Essek once again doesn’t even get a chance to finish his sentence before his brother takes off with you wrapping your arms around his neck so you don’t go flying off. He stares at the area where you and Verin once stood, wondering if he should follow. You looked surprisingly excited over this and while a part of him said to go after the two of you to be sure you were okay, another part of him said to leave it be, let you have your fun. He sighs to himself, was he jealous? Perhaps, but there was no way he’d admit that out loud, besides… there was also no way Essek was leaving you alone in the clutches of his brother. He makes his way down one hall and the next, keeping a steady pace as to not come off as desperate to get to his destination to those around him. When open field comes into view he quickly spots you standing off to the sidelines, applauding Verin as he spars with another solider. One short fight later and having barely broken a sweat, Verin makes his way over to the two of you.

"Well, what’d you think of that? It’s all about timing and using your opponents strength against them." He kneels down to you height, staring patiently as he waits for your reply.

"That was really cool. I can defiantly see why you’re a commander to an army. All I can do is this." You then cast a Magic Missile spell towards a target, hitting close to the centre but not quite a bullseye. "See, I’m getting really good at it but I still have a lot to learn."

"Not bad, but try lowering your stance a little, it’ll balance yourself and you’ll hitting bullseyes left and right." Verin advises. You test his methods and sure enough get a more direct hit, three runes becoming more visible on your skin from using your spells. "So that's what Essek meant when he said you were a Runechild." Verin examines the runes shown on your forehead and arms.

"Yeah, it's fine I guess." You say a little sheepishly, a part of you still feeling just a little insecure about the attention. While all this is happening Essek is watching a short distance back, watching the two of you interact and share a joke and a laugh carefree of anyone or any responsibilities. It all left an unpleasant feeling bubbling inside of him, a feeling that went a little further then jealously. Worry? No, not quite. Afraid, he was afraid you may have found someone better then him in his brother. He tries to shake off these thoughts, you were his kid, he took the responsibility over you and you responded positively to it. So why did he feel a tug at his heart at the prospect of you favouring someone else over him, and why did another emotion, one he couldn’t quite place, arise at the idea of you being his kid? So much was happening in such a short amount of time it was all just overwhelming, that’s it, he was just overwhelmed with everything that’s been happening. A slight shake on his shoulder has Essek break away from his thought process.

"Are you still in there brother? Or has your mind merged with the Luxon?" Verin gives a smirk, a playful tone in his voice that has Essek rolling his eyes and removing his younger siblings hand from his shoulder.

"I’m fine, just in thought." Essek looks like he’s about to say more but a light tug at his cloak has him looking down at your smaller figure instead. You look up at him with big eyes and let out a small yawn. "Tired?" He asks, earning a nod from you.

"I suppose more time went by then I thought. I shouldn’t keep you two, best be on your way. It was lovely to meet you again (y/n)." Verin waves you both off.

"Bye uncle Verin." You call back with a wave of your own followed by another yawn. After walking a good distance away from the training grounds Essek lifts you into his arms and carries your sleepy form, you let out a sigh. "I think that was fun. I was nice to spend time with uncle Verin, but wow is he exhausting." Your comment pulls a small laugh from Essek.

"If you thought that was exhausting, try living with him throughout your childhood. I’ll admit it could be entertaining at times, but he’s always been a bit of a handful." Essek reminisces a bit, making you let out a giggle.

"I’m good," you rest your head against his shoulder, another yawn escapes you as you shift a little in his grasp to get comfortable. "I think I’d rather spend my day with you anyways dad." Essek makes a full stop at this, wondering if he just heard you correctly. He looks over at your now sleeping figure, resting peacefully in his arms. It hadn’t fully dawned on him the idea of being an actual parent, sure you easily referred to Verin as your uncle but hearing you say that one word to Essek finally let it sink in. While shocked at this revelation he couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride over all this, any and all concerns he had were pushed to the side for this one moment, in the solace of knowing you would choose him over anyone else.

#critical role #critical role & reader #mighty nein #the mighty nein #mighty nein & reader #essek thelyss #essek & reader #verin thelyss #verin & reader

[iatethepomegranate]

We are not alone in the dark with our demons, Chapter 13

In which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, and learns to be a person. And, amid all of that, confronts his past by helping others like him.

Content warnings: traumatised child, starvation (referenced), very brief hint of lifespan angst

Chapter summary: Caleb is good with kids. Clerics are good with Calebs.

Chapter notes: Chapter title is from An Act of Kindness by Bastille. Pardon the comma splice; it gave me a better vibe than anything else.

***

Chapter 13: Kindness is what you showed to me, it holds me 'til I ache

Much later, Caleb tucked Luc into bed. The boy had been dozing for some time now, and Caleb himself was exhausted. He and Essek retreated to the spare bedroom. The room wasn’t large, and therefore the bed took up most of the space, but it wasn’t the most cramped quarters the two of them had shared. It was warm, lived-in, and belonged to one of Caleb’s dearest friends in the world.

Caleb flung off his coat, tossing it onto the chair crammed in the corner of the bedroom. Essek hovered closer, deftly plucking the buttons of Caleb’s shirt until it opened. Essek kissed Caleb’s collarbone, and slid the shirt down his arms, tossing it onto the coat.

“Did I make you uncomfortable earlier?” Essek asked, slowly running his fingers across the reddish-brown hair on Caleb’s chest.

“No. I was surprised, is all.” And very tired, but he knew Essek was aware of that.

Essek kissed Caleb’s sternum, just below the meeting of his collar bones. “We can discuss this another time. I just want you to know I am not trying to… discard you.”

“I know.”

“Good.”

They undressed. If they had been alone, they probably would have just collapsed naked on the bed, but there was a child in the house who had no boundaries, so they drew on the last dregs of their energy to pull on nightshirts and climb under the covers.

Essek wanted to be the big spoon tonight, and Caleb indulged him. It was adorable, really, given Essek was significantly smaller than him and wound up looking like a humanoid backpack. But the soft, warm pressure of Essek’s body was soothing as always, and Caleb drifted asleep.

For a while.

Then, there was a soft tapping on the door. And then the hinges creaked. Essek was already sitting up, so Caleb lay there a moment longer.

“Luc,” said Essek. “Are you all right?”

The boy didn’t speak, but he did sniffle. Caleb dragged his pants off the chair and stepped into them. Then, even in the dark, he found Luc’s small form and knelt before him.

“What happened, liebling?”

In the light from the moon, and the permanent driftglobe in the hallway Caleb had Pumat make for the Brenattos as a housewarming gift, he could see Luc swipe tears from his cheeks. Then he held up his arms in the universal signal for carry me.

Caleb scooped Luc into his arms and stood, settling the boy’s weight on his hip. Luc buried his face in Caleb’s shirt.

“Is there anything I can do?” Essek asked, halfway out of bed.

“Nein. I’ll step into the hallway. You rest.”

Essek huffed at him, but climbed back into bed. Caleb took Luc into the hallway and shut the bedroom door. Out here, it was easier to see the tension through Luc’s tiny body. He had Caleb’s shirt tightly gripped in his fists.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Caleb asked softly. Luc nodded. “All right. Would you like to talk about it?” Luc shook his head. “All right. I will hang onto you for a while, until you can sleep again. Does that sound good?” Luc nodded.

Caleb normally tried not to dwell too much on the memories of his childhood in Blumenthal, especially when he was out of sorts, but he could recall a conversation his mother had with a woman who had asked her advice on putting her newborn to sleep. He could hear his mother’s voice, sweet and gentle towards the woman who was on the verge of exhausted tears. Una had told her to hold the baby and walk up and down the house, slowly, until he fell asleep. It was not a sure thing, but it could help.

So Caleb slowly paced up and down the hallway, rubbing Luc’s back. He swayed a little as he walked, like his mother had once done for him. Even when he was just old enough to remember. Just a little younger than Luc was now, as Caleb had started to remember things very young. Not with the same clarity as he did as an adult, but more than most children at that age.

After some time of wearing a path into the wooden floor, Luc’s grip on his shirt loosened a little. The boy settled into Caleb’s arms more comfortably.

“Uncle Caleb?” His voice was still thick with years.

“Ja, liebling?”

“Can you tell me the story of the cat prince again?”

“Ja, of course.” Caleb had the story memorised in Zemnian and Common by now. For a long time, he had only known it in Zemnian because of the nights his mother and father had read it to him, over and over. Since reading it to Jester, however, he could tell it in Common almost as well. And he had told it to Luc several times before.

He continued to slowly pace as he told the tale, quietly into Luc’s ear. Luc relaxed by inches. Yeza poked his head out of his bedroom door and watched quietly. They barely made it through the reveal of the cat in his crown of golden leaves, before Luc had relaxed fully, asleep against Caleb’s chest.

Yeza, who had been tense himself, also relaxed. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Caleb smiled at him, not daring to speak lest he wake Luc. He slowly carried the boy to bed, tucking him in with a kiss on the forehead he decided to give at the last second. He crept out, closing the door. He and Yeza leaned their ears against the wood, listening for a moment. When it seemed that Luc was properly asleep, they stepped away.

“He’s been like this a lot,” Yeza whispered. “At first, when we were in the hideout, I thought he was gonna be okay. And he was for a while, until we came back home. Veth’s been good with him, but it’s wearing on her. On both of us.”

“These things often don’t hit right away,” Caleb replied quietly.

“Yeah, Veth said that, too.” Yeza sighed. “You’re good with him. Where’d you learn that?”

Caleb shrugged. “My mother, and I remember the things Veth has done to help me. I am not a little boy, but the principles are similar.”

“We need to have you over more often.” The exhaustion was all too evident in Yeza’s voice. “Your students will be lucky to have you.”

Caleb managed a smile through his own exhaustion, and that personal brand of self-loathing that rarely went away. “We will see. Gute nacht, Yeza.”

“Goodnight, Caleb.”

They separated. Caleb went back to the guest room, where Essek was sitting cross-legged on the bed in his trance. As soon as Caleb slipped under the covers, Essek shifted.

“Is everything all right?”

“Ja, Luc’s asleep.” Caleb buried his face in the pillow with a sigh.

“You are good with children. Have you ever considered…” Essek laughed softly. “Hm. I feel that is a loaded question, given our relationship.”

Caleb put the meaning together. “Ja, I don’t know. I used to see myself raising a family when I was younger, but… things got complicated. Maybe in time. For now, let’s see how I go as a teacher.”

Essek hummed softly, and did not continue the discussion. This required both of them to be more energised. Given the difference in their lifespans, and the fact Essek was a wanted criminal and Caleb a likely target for members of the Assembly looking to cover their tracks, it would not be an easy decision. It could wait. It needed to.

Caleb reached out blindly until he found Essek’s knee. “Cuddle me.”

Essek chuckled. “All right.” He lay down, manhandling Caleb until they were both in a more comfortable position, Essek’s head tucked under Caleb’s chin.

***

The morning was warm and bright, and Essek was soft in Caleb’s arms. Back home, Caleb would have held Essek close, slowly rubbing the heat of Essek’s back through his shirt until they were both too distracted to make it to breakfast. Here, however, he had to make do with several deep, promising kisses. And Essek grazing his collarbone with his teeth, one hand between Caleb’s thighs, until they both took a deep breath and, regrettably, stopped.

Maybe they would take the tower tonight, or a room at the Chateau. Veth would Send to them if she needed help with Luc. She had begged Essek to teach her so she could keep up the ruse that Yasha could communicate with her across distances. Caleb was fairly certain Yasha was fucking with her by this point, but he always enjoyed watching Essek teach.

Regretfully, Caleb forced himself out of bed and away from Essek’s wandering hands. He was definitely grumbling under his breath as he dressed, while Essek reclined in bed and watched with warm amusement.

“What’s so funny?” Caleb muttered, stumbling into his trousers.

“Caleb Widogast.” Essek smiled sweetly. “You’re cute when you’re grumpy.”

“I am pretending I didn't hear that,” Caleb said weakly. Because he was this close to jumping back into bed with this man.

Essek took pity on him and climbed out of bed to dress, though the way he pressed up against Caleb’s back to kiss his neck was pure evil. Nevertheless, the two of them managed to get dressed and out of the bedroom without further incident.

Luc seemed more like himself at breakfast, fiddling with his crossbow once again. Veth kissed Caleb on the cheek in a silent thank you for the previous night. Essek, as usual, braided Caleb’s hair after breakfast.

“Where’d you learn how to do that?” Veth asked, as Yeza brushed her hair and braided it as well.

“My brother,” Essek said, with a professional tone that sometimes came out when he wasn’t prepared to express a particular emotion. He tied off one braid at the side of Caleb’s head, starting on the other side. “Verin was always a handful. I learned to fix the mess he made of his hair when he was off climbing trees or chasing animals, or people. It was important we both presented ourselves well, and that included grooming.” His fingernails lightly grazed Caleb’s scalp. “Verin… well. Someone had to fix his hair, preferably before our mother found out.”

There was something a little steely in Essek’s voice. A defense mechanism probably. Essek rarely spoke of his family, especially now that he probably wouldn’t see them again. Caleb got the impression Essek wouldn’t miss most of them, but he may have been closer to Verin.

Essek finished the second braid and pulled them into a half-ponytail at the back of Caleb’s head. He sighed, and ran his fingers through the rest of Caleb’s hair far longer than strictly necessary. Caleb caught his wrist and squeezed, just for a moment.

***

After breakfast, Caleb and Essek headed to the Chateau following a message from Caduceus requesting Caleb’s presence. Essek peeled off to trade novels with Marion, leaving the three of them alone in Jester’s childhood bedroom. Here, Caduceus and Jester had set up a scrying ritual. The materials were mostly floral in nature, indicating this was for Caduceus.

Caleb caught on immediately, though he didn’t get the words out before Jester shoved him onto her bed. Then, it was irrelevant, as Caduceus had already begun the ritual to scry on Nico. Caleb appreciated they had asked him to be here for it.

Jester sat with Caleb, nuzzling his shoulder and very nearly stabbing his eye out with her horns. And, of course, squeezing him so hard he was afraid of cracking a rib. It felt good, though. The anxiety coiling in his gut struggled to keep its foothold.

He had been afraid to ask Caduceus or Jester to scry on Nico again. What if the thing he feared most had come true? Nico’s fireball had knocked Caleb out cold. That really should not have been possible, even if Caleb had the constitution of wet tissue paper. He was still much tougher than he used to be.

Unlike Caleb, Nico didn’t have clerics on hand to pull him from the jaws of death. Nico could have curled up to sleep one night, out in the cold, and not had the strength to wake up again. Even when he hadn’t been injured, Caleb had come close to freezing to death many times in the years between Vergesson and Veth. The eleven years of no magic, and his long-discarded outright fear of fire, had almost spelled his doom.

Maybe Caleb’s messages never received a reply because the recipient was no longer alive. He was not experienced with the Sending spell; maybe he was misreading the lack of response. Maybe there was a pattern in the magic that should have told him whether the message met its mark. Caleb knew he was smart. He knew he was methodical. But he was also emotional. Maybe he had missed something.

Jester squeezed him tighter. He was spiralling. He had to breathe. He had to think. Panicking was of no use. If Nico was dead, they needed to find his body. It had only been a few days, and Caleb had created a new Transmuter’s Stone--focusing on that had helped steel his nerves these past few days. And he was sure Jester and Caduceus had the right quality of diamonds. Even if Nico was dead, he could still be saved.

And if he was alive, they needed to know. They needed to keep trying to talk to him, try to get him to safety in whatever way they could. And even though Caleb had never had a proper conversation with the boy, he knew he would do anything to keep him safe. Anything.

What Nico was going through now, Caleb had suffered alone. He would never wish that on anyone.

Being held by Jester always brought up complicated feelings, but he was grateful she was there to physically hold him together. She was babbling about something, and Caleb genuinely tried to listen, but most of his focus was split between his whirling thoughts and watching Caduceus.

He did catch the end of her babble.

“And then King said, ‘Were you gonna tell me I had magic blood or was I supposed to find that out when I cut myself shaving?’” Her voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. “He found out because he cut himself shaving.”

Caduceus jolted, and then he was back with them. “Nope.”

The words fell out of Caleb’s mouth before he had fully considered them. “Can you tell the difference between resisting the scry and…” His brain caught up with his mouth, and choked him.

Caduceus stepped in before Caleb could spiral further. “Yeah, we can tell the difference. He resisted.” Caduceus began to collect the flowers, bundled herbs, ashes, and bone fragments. A piece of petrified wood Caleb had found him during their travels. A few botanical drawings made by Jester. Fresh seaweed from Fjord. He carefully scooped up each piece of the ritual and put them away.

Okay. Nico was alive. That was something. But they couldn’t see him. He could have been anywhere within a few days of Rexxentrum, and each of those places was freezing cold. Nico had fire, but did he have the capacity to use it? Had he found shelter? Water? Where the fuck was he?

And it was possible to be alive and conscious and on death’s door. He wasn’t dead. Yet. That could change at any moment. Caleb needed to know. He couldn’t take this uncertainty anymore.

“Jester.” His voice was little more than a scratchy whisper. “Please.” Talking hurt.

She gave him one last squeeze and let go. “Of course, Cayleb. I’ll try. Caduceus gave me a picture.” She slid onto the floor and began to set out little dick statues. A tiny figurine of the Traveller. A little collection of unicorn statues, many of which were new to Caleb. “Hey, Artie. We really need to see what Nico’s doing, okay?”

Caleb no longer had Truesight, but Artagan never bothered to hide his presence in Sprinkle anymore. Or when his cloak would appear and sweep over Jester. He only hid from the Nein to fuck with them these days. So, the green flash of Sprinkle’s eyes and the sweep of a green cloak were a familiar sight by now.

Caduceus took Jester’s place on the bed beside him. Neither Caduceus nor Caleb were given to filling empty space with sound unless they genuinely had something to say, so they sat quietly. Shoulders barely touching, but that was enough of an anchor for Caleb to stay calm.

Time crawled by as Jester worked through the ritual, until, finally, she looked into the distance. And she wasn’t seeing the room. Hope bloomed, sharp and painful, in Caleb’s chest.

“I see him,” she said. “It’s hard to see anything else. I think I can see green but I can’t make out shapes. Nico’s sitting on… grass, I think? There’s a campfire. Bandages. He found bandages somewhere! He looks pale, but… focused. I think? He’s bandaging his arm.”

She spent the next ten minutes describing everything Nico did. Aside from bandaging, he spent most of the time staring into the campfire. He’d found a coat somewhere, but no shoes. Shivering a bit, but nothing that would indicate a threat of hypothermia. Best she could tell, he was surviving.

Until they could get him to come back, that would have to be enough.

Once Jester had finished scrying, she squeezed onto the bed on Caleb’s other side. “Are you okay, Caleb?”

“Ja.” Knowing Nico was more or less in one piece, and did not seem to be in immediate danger, had lifted a great weight from Caleb’s ribcage. “Thank you. I was afraid to ask. Caduceus, I hate to ask that you spend another spell, but...”

Caduceus waited patiently, smiling faintly as he often did. He would say yes. Caleb knew he would.

So, despite feeling weird about asking for things like this, he did anyway. “Would you mind asking the Wildmother a few questions?”

“Give me three questions and one minute,” was all Caduceus said in response.

Caleb had spent so long worrying about this kid that coming up with three questions was easy. “First, is he in the Pearlbow Wilderness? Second, has he found clean water in the last twenty-four hours? Third, has he eaten since Rexxentrum?”

Caduceus slid to the floor once again and began setting up the ritual. “Good questions to ask, with simple answers.”

The wait was easier this time, knowing that Nico wasn’t dead, or close to it. The burning incense curled through the air, reminding Caleb fondly of his time with Frumpkin. He hoped his little friend was having a good time, wherever he was.

“Is Nicolaus Baumann in the Pearlbow Wilderness?” Caduceus asked quietly, eyes closed. Caleb could not sense the Wildmother’s response, but Caduceus nodded to himself. “Has the boy found clean drinking water in the last twenty-four hours?” A moment, and Caduceus nodded again. “Has he eaten since the meal I fed him in Rexxentrum?” This moment stretched longer, and the corner of Cad’s mouth tightened. He released the ritual, blinking his eyes clear until he could focus on them. “Nico’s in the Pearlbow Wilderness and has found clean drinking water in the last day. He has not eaten since Rexxentrum.”

Caleb swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Thank you, Caduceus.” Those words could not adequately express his gratitude; how much lighter he felt knowing that Nico was surviving. They could get him back to Rexxentrum. Caleb would keep talking to him, as would Felix. It was doable. “And, Jester. Thank you.”

The two clerics exchanged a look, laced with meaning that Caleb could not read. But he suspected they had discussed this whole thing in detail long before they had invited Caleb here. He wasn’t sure he would ever get used to having friends who would literally team up to take care of him like that. It frightened him a little, but he knew the fear was irrational. They loved him as much as he loved them. Not always in the same way, especially when it came to Jester, but it was love all the same.

Then Jester’s mood shifted, and she was grinning. “Hey, Cay-leb.”

“...ja?”

“Did Essek bring his parasol?”

“Ja, of course. It’s Nicodranas.”

“Cool! I got you guys a huge beach umbrella. Meet us downstairs in an hour.” She kissed his cheek, and tore out of her room. “BEACH TRIP!!”

Caduceus chuckled softly, unfolding himself from the floor. “She has been planning this all day.”

“Ja, I figured.” Caleb had missed the beach. So different from his old life that it was easier to let go of things there. “Are you coming?”

Caduceus laughed openly at that. Of course he was coming. Nobody said no to Jester Lavorre.

This was probably the last time the two of them would be alone in a while. There were things Caleb wanted to say. Needed to.

“Caduceus,” said Caleb. “Thank you. For all of this.”

“Caleb.” Caduceus smiled, but he allowed the sadness of it to break through. “You were alone for a long time. So was I. So were… all of us. We’ve all grown together. And you… I always knew you were being shaped into something. What that something was… that was your choice. Reaching out to people who went through what you have, taking your pain and what you have learned to protect them from the worst of your experiences… that’s growth, Caleb. You’re healing. I’m proud of you. We all are.”

The words hit hard, drawing tears from the corners of Caleb’s eyes. But they were good tears. It felt like a poison was leaving his body.

“You helped,” Caleb said, standing to face Caduceus properly. “All of you. And I know I didn’t always listen to you, but I remember everything. Your words mean a lot to me. Thank you.” He felt a surge of affection and a sob escaped his throat. “Can I hug you?”

“Of course.”

It had never occurred to Caleb that firbolgs would give great hugs. They had giant heritage and were stronger than they looked. Caleb had come to prefer hugs that crushed his soul back into his body, so this was perfect. He let Caduceus squish him, tucking his face into the folds of his robe. Caduceus always smelled of herbs and earth. A grounding, calming scent to match a grounding, calming man.

Caduceus had been exactly what the Nein, and Caleb himself, had needed after they lost Molly. And he continued to fill that role, gladly, even when it caused him personal pain. Caleb loved him dearly.

They were still hugging when Jester came to grab a few things from her room, and she gladly jumped in, babbling about the beach trip and all the plans she had made for it.

Caleb breathed easier than he had in days.

#shadowgast #caleb widogast #essek thelyss #critical role #cr2 #i sometimes am tempted to tag other major members of the nein who are prominent in various chapters but i also don't want to annoy people #fanfiction #my fics #the pomegranate's professor widogast fic #mighty nein #ao3

[cinlat]

Fictober18 - Day 8

Prompt: “I know you do.” Word Count: 629 Characters: Cinlat/Verin A/N: Going way back in time for this one.

Verin watched his little sister stomp towards the back of the ship and sighed. The girl had a lot of rage wrapped up in that small body, and pretty soon, was going to punch their meal ticket—literally and figuratively.

Before Verin could consider the wisdom of pursuing, a hand snatched his wrist and spun the Mandalorian around fast enough that he stumbled. “You get your sister under control, or I will,” Cinlat snarled, punctuating each word with a jab of her finger.

The huntress rarely lost her temper, but Fynta seemed to be a trigger point. Not that she didn’t try everyone’s nerves, but given how their last couple of years had gone, Verin tended to give the girl leeway. He wasn’t the best parental figure, after all.

“Give her some time to cool down,” Verin pleaded with hands raised in surrender. “Then, I’ll go talk to her.”

White eye rolled in response to Verin's suggestion, and Cinlat started away. He caught up to her halfway up the stairs, but caught himself before grabbing her arm. “Okay, yeah, Fynta messed up on this one.” That might have been putting it lightly. Fynta’s temper had cost them a paycheck when she killed a live-capture target.

“I’ll make up the difference from my cut over the next couple of jobs." Verin continued when Cinlat tried to turn away, "And, keep Fynta on a tighter leash.”

For a few, worrying seconds, Verin thought that Cinlat would finally kick them off the ship. The idea of leaving her tightened his throat, but if Fynta went, Verin couldn’t leave her alone. While technically an adult in their culture, the girl was still only fifteen. Too young to take on the galaxy alone.

“Fine,” Cinlat breathed. She leaned against the wall with Verin standing two steps below to put them at even height, then rubbed a hand down her face. “Look, I like you and your sister—”

“I know you do,” Verin answered before Cinlat could reach the but part of her statement. “And, I don’t want to leave.”

Crossing her arms, Cinlat lifted one, pale brow. For reasons Verin would never understand, that expression turned him on. “Looking for something more permanent, kid?”

Verin climbed one step and placed his arms to either side of Cinlat’s shoulders. He’d developed an attraction to the older huntress months back, but she kept him at a distance. “No other place that I’d rather be.” Verin also never hid his feelings. Cinlat was well aware of the effect she had on him.

Usually, Verin found himself shut down long before getting so close. His abs contracted in preparation of a punch as he leaned closer. The feel of Cinlat's lips against his was almost more of a shock, as was the way her fingers tangled in her hair.

The kiss was rough, containing years of pent of passion and frustration. Verin never wanted it to stop, but maintained a muted awareness of their surroundings. Fynta's room was directly beneath them, and it Verin would never hear the end of it if she chose that moment to make an appearance.

When Cinlat pulled away with a gasp, Verin realized that he supported her weight between his body and the wall of the ship. Their armor scraped when she moved, nearly upsetting their precarious balancing act. “Does this mean we can stay?” Verin asked with a cocky grin as he settled Cinlat’s feet back to the step above his.

Pale eyes blazed with a whirlwind of emotions, but Verin was grateful that regret didn’t appear to be one of them. “Yeah,” the huntress finally answered. “You can stay.”

#fictober18 #swtor fanfiction #cinlat ejnar #verin ejnar #where it all began #bounty hunter

[legaltools-blog1]

Qu'est-ce qu'une start-up nation ?

‘Start-up nation’: a symptom, but of what?

Under pressure, young entrepreneurs would tend to forget to take into account the effects of their ambitions on their surroundings. Just dance/Shutterstock Michel Villette, Agro ParisTech – Université Paris-Saclay Today, becoming a “start-up nation” is a public policy objective in virtually every country in the world, be it Morocco, Bangladesh, Mexico or Peru. They are all rushing to follow the nations that have led the way – the United States, China, South Korea, Israel, Canada. France got off to a laborious start in the early 2000s, but has recently reactivated this goal. On October 10, 2018, President Emmanuel Macron addressed an audience of digital entrepreneurs at Station F, which calls itself the “biggest start-up campus in the world”, and announced an ambitious roadmap to assist and promote entrepreneurs in France. Everywhere, institutional pressure to transform young people into entrepreneurs is becoming an obsession. It’s a symptom, but of what? Can it not be seen as a sign of panic among politicians contemplating the shortage of prospects to offer young people?

A cascade of service providers

Let’s try to interpret this strange new command: “Become entrepreneurs!” It seems to suggest that established institutions only open up two avenues for the younger generation: opt for indigence with some degree of welfare assistance (e.g. a basic living stipend) or take a gamble. If so, then encouragement to create start-ups may be seen as the public face of a very discreet strategy on the part of large state and capitalistic organisations intent on sweeping this social issue under the carpet. To an increasing extent, these same organisations are subcontracting, outsourcing, automating, robotising and digitising to reduce the cost of labour as a percentage of total operating expenditure. They look for “talent”, i.e. a small minority of high-value added employees, while systematically avoiding the employment of workers deemed interchangeable, leaving them to the hard law of the market and progressively transforming them into service providers; into the providers of other providers; into the providers of providers of providers; and so forth.

A new wave of utopias

What’s going to happen to university graduates? Whether they major in physical education, the humanities, communication and journalism, marketing or human resources, they all dream of finding jobs that will bring them self-fulfilment and even enjoyment. In France, they also expect five weeks of annual paid vacation and time off in lieu of overtime pay under the “RTT” scheme. In the 1970s, young university-goers saw themselves as radical activists, reading Trotsky, Lenin or Mao in preparation for the revolution to come. To a small degree, that dream has persisted in variant forms such as eco-activism, alter-globalisation or feminism. However, it is now part of a new wave of utopias that amalgamates digitisation, virtual reality, risk-taking, entrepreneurship, start-ups, easy money, the get-rich-quick ethic and the cult of performance. The problem is that, in today’s society, young people arrive on a job market that is not prepared to accommodate them. Leaving them to themselves, it calls them “entrepreneurs”. This magic word, with its connotations of freedom and hope, actually shifts responsibility for any eventual disappointments or failures onto them and them alone. Failure will then be a token of their inadequacy and the success of the few will be taken as proof that the many could have done the same, as Alain Ehernberg rightly pointed out in his book Weariness of the Self: Diagnosing the History of Depression in the Contemporary Age.

Even brilliant successes are problematic

In a previous article, I raised the issue of the rate at which start-up founders meet with failure. I also stressed how little we know about the collateral damage to their lives and those of their families as well as, more generally, the social and financial cost of aggregate business closures. It should also be noted that even the most brilliant successes are problematic. Inevitably, outsized ambitions to achieve impressive growth built from nothing, or virtually nothing, will have moral consequences on “les entrepreneurs et les entrepris”, a phrase coined by philosopher Héléne Verin, entrepris being a neologism for those caught up in the toils of entrepreneurship. I encourage you to read an article on this subject by Diana Filippova, formerly the start-up ecosystem lead at Microsoft France, in which she expresses her indignation at the Machiavellian behaviour of some of the start-up founders that have crossed her path. In particular, she notes that young entrepreneurs, obsessed with growth targets and under pressure to deliver results, quickly become sharks. Some remain oblivious to the effects of their ambitions on those involved in or affected by their venture. Many careers starting out with the best of intentions end up marked by serial bankruptcies, business registrations and cynicism.

Irresponsible opportunism

Start-ups like Cambridge Analytica or Theranos have displayed an extreme form of irresponsible opportunism. Was Mark Zuckerberg really so busy focusing on his own start-up’s mega-success that he didn’t realize what he was doing prior to testifying before committees at the US Senate or the European Parliament committee hearing? Have Facebook users finally gotten the picture? Have they finally understood that Facebook, the platform enabling them to “stay connected with family and friends”, is also dirty, selling their personal data on the sly? One lesson to be learned from the history of capitalism is that the accumulation of massive wealth in a very short lapse of time almost always involves predatory activities. To cite Aristotle’s terminology, this is chrematistikos (the art of acquiring wealth), not oikonomia (the art of running a household). The investment funds that back start-ups exert pressure on them to accumulate as much wealth as possible as quickly as possible. And scenarios like this, in which outsized ambitions run rampant, are precisely those in which predation becomes the most probable factor of success.

Under pressure to succeed

Some successful start-ups, GAFAs and unicorns achieve growth by crushing everything that stands in their way. But what about the entrepreneurs whose business, mismatched with the market, fails to get off the ground? This fragilised population is the one likely to suffer the most from the pernicious effects of propaganda in favour of entrepreneurship.

Robert K. Merton. Wikipedia As Robert K. Merton pointed out in his book Social Theory and Social Structure (1968), “In societies such as our own, then, the great cultural emphasis on pecuniary success for all and a social structure which unduly limits practical recourse to approved means for many set up a tension toward innovative practices which depart from institutional norms”. He also noted that: “Several researches have shown that specialised areas of vice and crime constitute a "normal” response to a situation where the cultural emphasis upon pecuniary success has been absorbed, but where there is little access to conventional and legitimate means for becoming successful.“ If the strongest survive, it’s often because they commit fouls on other players in the game, feel that "anything goes” in order to win and think that, on this playing field, the end justifies the means. So, what are we looking at? Innovation or criminal deviance? Impressive growth or future disasters? New technologies that liberate or enslave? Social entrepreneurship or a well-planned, right-minded scam? Given its current modus operandi, entrepreneurship promises a fortune for the few, while the many slip and fall by the wayside. The moral climate of this “accident-prone” business environment can only be characterised as sinister. This article was translated from the French original by Université Paris Saclay.

Michel Villette, Professeur de Sociologie, Chercheur au Centre Maurice Halbwachs ENS/EHESS/CNRS
, professeur de sociologie, Agro ParisTech – Université Paris-Saclay Cet article est republié à partir de The Conversation sous licence Creative Commons. Lire l’article original.   Read the full article

#GAFA #start-up

[knight-mahalath]

The Reckoning || Self

Mahalath had only been summoned twice, but she knew how it felt to be tugged from one plane to another. This time was nothing like the others. Instead of the swift yank from fire and brimstone to gentle earth and wind felt more like a trek through quicksand. It was as if Orion wanted her to rise, but couldn’t quite bring himself to pull her up. Once she found herself looking through human eyes, she felt disoriented and weak. Phlegm riddled her lungs, tearing a ragged cough from her throat. A thin sheen of sweat coated her brow, showing signs of an impending fever. Already, her pestilent energy was was tearing the vessel apart, ensuring that her visit would remain temporary. 

The first thing to greet her was Orion’s corpse. It was no wonder that her summoning was such a struggle, he had given his life to bring her back. As his patron, Mahalath felt a certain pang of sadness for him. “Your sacrifice will be rewarded, Orion. I’ll make sure that it wasn’t in vain.” She could hear the clamor of war in the streets and there was a familiar presence as well. Part of her thought that it was one of Lucifer’s twisted lies, but she could feel Abaddon among them. His aura alone likely drove the soldiers to pillage and murder. Some of them made their way to the ruins of the home she was in, wanting to discover what caused the explosion. 

Mahalath stumbled to the door, playing the part of the defenseless woman. “Please...mercy you have to help me! They...they...” When the soldier grew close enough, she pulled him into an iron grip and devoured his life force. His comrades drew their weapons in alarm, but with her restored energy, they weren’t quick enough to react. She had slit their throats before they could move and while she had the opportunity, she took the time to loot the corpses. Mal slipped on one of their leathern armors and claimed a sword and bow. The sight that greeted her as she stepped from the shambles brought a grin to her features. It was none other than the Horseman of War, finally showing his true allegiance among the Athorian soldiers. 

Abaddon’s war cry pierced the air like a thousand drums as he cleaved into the men. Spears broke and shields splintered in his wake. When he struck his foe, the demon did not aim to cause pain. He not live to torment as most of his kind did; Abaddon lived to destroy. “You’re just goin’ to stand there an’ gawk are you, Mal?” He asked when his enemies were dispatched. “I got your message, I found a way here just like you said. Now we do what we came to do.” 

Mahalath didn’t wasn’t any time with filling him in on the revised plan. “Lucifer has given us new orders, Abaddon. We diminish this force as much as we can for Jezebeth...and then we leave. Verin is now Crown Prince of the Second Circle and I defeated Paimon in trial by combat. We are needed, our purpose is done here.” 

He processed her words quickly as she spoke, understanding fully what they meant. “Our presence here is no longer a secret, we have free reign to dispatch them as we see fit.” Mal added. 

“Free reign...” War echoed, summoning fire in his free hand. “I thought the day would never come.” The ball of fire flew toward a gathering of soldiers down the street. His flames had only been the size of a fist, yet the explosion was enough to ignite six men. “If this is to be our last, then we’d better make it memorable.”

Pestilence summoned her white steed, mounting the creature for the first time since their bout against Famine. Mahalath followed her partner’s lead, charging alongside War with her bow drawn. Every arrow she loosed rode on a current of wind to their targets. They whizzed through the air at speeds so high they punctured armor and created gashes wide enough to see through. Abaddon found himself in another thicket of soldiers, this time fighting with both flame and shadow. Every so often, Mal would see someone swallowed by that darkness, only for their other countrymen to meet a fiery fate. Soon enough, Wayward Harbor was filled with the scent of fire blood. 

“What did he send you back for if you were just gonna make me do all the work?” He joked. The words may have sounded like a complaint, but she knew he had no quarrels with a blood bath. He just liked to be competitive and Mal liked to think that he enjoyed watching her unhinge. 

“Its not my fault you’re overzealous.” She retorted, riding off. They’d cover more ground if they spread out, which meant less soldiers to face further down the line. Whatever army that Jezebeth prepared to face the invaders should defeat them without much trouble. Mahalath wondered what made the Queen foolishly condemn them so such a slaughter. She may have been mad, but insanity and stupidity didn’t have to go hand-in-hand. Sometimes even the most crazed individuals could be masterminds, but it seemed Queen Athor wasn’t that fortunate. 

Pestilence parted her lips and green fog spewed from her mouth. The thick smog rolled through the air, poisoning those that inhaled it. The mortals hacked and coughed, their skin flushing with blemishes. Swords fell before they could be swung and fighters died before their first taste of blood. Mahalath rode through the fog to meet the men scrambling on the other end. They may have outran it, but that did not matter, anyone who escaped met her sword. 

She could feel her time running out, those threads that tethered her to Hell tugged harder with every moment. Even her breathing had become labored, although the rush of battle helped numb those ailments for the time being. Mahalath rode back to the plume of fire that could only be taken for Abaddon. A single, silent exchange between them told War all that he needed. That now was time for them to finally return home. Their steeds fell into step side by side as they charged towards the last wave of the straggling forces. In one last attack, they internalized their hellish energies, allowing them to build and build until their vessels began to break apart. 

Mahalath didn’t know if she would see Earth again, but she was at peace with it. As a Knight of Hell, she knew the time would come when they would return and herald the Apocalypse. She just didn’t know when the End of Days would come or if it would ever arrive at all. As the explosion took her, Mahalath pushed those thoughts from her mind and let go, diving into the plane of oblivion. 

#thereckoning #para #selfpara #tw: gore #tw: body horror

[cinlat]

Fictober18 - day 17

Prompt: “I’ll tell you, but you’re not going to like it.” Word Count: 256 (It’s been a long day) Fandom: swtor Characters: Fynta Wolfe/Aric Jorgan (cameo by Verin Ejnar)

Jorgan glanced up when his wife groaned. Part of him wanted to rail against her stupidity, the other smirked with satisfaction at the deep bruising that blended into the target shaped tattoo around her right eye.

“Fierfek.”

The familiar expletive pulled a snort from Aric. It was the first thing Fynta always said after regaining consciousness. “Yep,” he answered, failing at keeping his tone neutral.

The Cathar watched his wife push herself upright, then blink at the hotel room. Her eyes settled on a lump in the corner, brows pulling together. “Verin?”

“Mm-hm,” Aric acknowledged again before going back to the work on his datapad. “Cinlat said that she didn’t have time for your osik, and dumped him here.” He glanced towards the still slumbering bounty hunter. “Hell if I know what she expects me to do with him.”

Fynta didn’t speak for several minutes while she stared at her brother. Jorgan swore that he could almost hear her working through the hazy memories from the night before.

Explosive laughter startled Aric’s attention back to his wife, causing him to snarl at her wide grin. “Who won?”

With a sigh, Jorgan followed Fynta’s gaze to the still sleeping Mandalorian. She would never learn to leave well enough alone. Might as well have fun with it. Aric cut his eyes at Fynta with a sharp grin. “I’ll tell you, but you’re not going to like it.”

#fictober18 #fynta wolfe #aric jorgan #verin ejnar #republic trooper #havoc squad #sibling rivalry #exhausted spouses