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#i know it’s gonna be years but I’m so excited
f1smutwriter · 1 day
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so excited to see that youre willing to write about so many drivers i feel like a lot of them do not get enough love. anywhooo maybe arthur x pierres younger sister, where everyone always thought they’d get together and pierre was always just like “no. not gonna happen” but it definitely happened anyway 😩 ly pookie definitely wont be my last time requesting 💁‍♀️
|𝐅𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲 (𝐚𝐥𝟏𝟐)
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Arthur Leclerc x little!Gasly reader
Summary: Little Leclerc and Little Gasly aren’t so little anymore. They end up showing each other their true feelings but how would their brothers react
Warning: nothing just me ugly crying while writing this
Notes: Stop girl thank you so much. I do feel like a lot of the drivers get unappreciated. I love your energy and yes please request more would love to hear your ideas ♡︎
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April 9, 2005
“Look at them both, they’re so cute” Pascale said to mine and Pierre’s mom as they see me and Arthur in the front yard riding bikes together when our older brothers are at karting practice with our dads.
“I feel like those two are gonna get together in the future” My mom said to Pascale while smiling on the front porch drinking tea together. “Arthur you can’t do that you have to go straight no zigzag” I told Arthur the rules again to our game we were playing. “petit lapin that wasn’t part of the rules” he told me while still going in zigzags. “Thur play fair, and y/n that wasn’t in the rules” Enzo said making sure we didn’t argue anymore making Arthur stop and me pouting.
“Look at her pout” Pascale said to my mom pointing at my pout on my face. “Watch he’s gonna feel bad” Pascale laughed softly and without a heart beat Arthur came to me and said sorry. “I’m sorry petit lapin I won’t zigzag anymore” He said to me while holding my hand making me laugh a little.
When I see my dad’s car in the drive way I run to it wanting to see my older brother and Charles. Once they got out the car they had their bags in their hands making me help them. “Soleil it’s too heavy for you” Pierre said to me before kissing my head making me pout because I wanted to help. I skip over to my dad and jump into his arms “Papa I won racing with Arthur” I said to my dad while Arthur is talking with my brother and Arthur “I let her win” he whispered to them loud enough for me to hear.
“Hey no you didn’t I won fair and square” I say pouting at him not liking that he said he let me win. “Okay, okay I’m sorry you won fair and square” He said telling my little five year old self before I skipped to my mom and Pascale. “She could barely reach the petals so Enzo gave her a push” he laughed before going to me and the mom’s. “Maman can I have some water” I asked my mom when she put me on her lap. “Go ask your brother mon amour” she told me softly before kissing my head softly. Instead of asking my brother I skip to Arthur. “Thur can you help me get water” I asked with my puppy dog eyes that got him every time. Without a second to waste he gets up and walks with me to the kitchen.
“Soleil why didn’t you ask me” Pierre called out from the porch stair where him and Charles were talking. “Because Thur does it better” I shouted back before going back to Arthur. “I hope you know she has a crush on my brother” Charles said chuckling to Pierre who was an upset. “No she doesn’t, she’s not allowed to have crushes anytime soon” Pierre said a bit angrily not liking the idea of his little sister having a crush.
“Sorry buddy but she does” Our mom said while chuckling softly while sipping a bit of her tea. All of a sudden they hear my giggles from the kitchen, they all look inside and see me on Arthur’s back as he spins me around a bit. “Told ya” Charles chuckled before making Pierre roll his eyes staring at his little sister and his best friends little brother.
October 14, 2010
“Thur where are you” I call out from outside his room. When he didn’t answer I went to Charles room. “Cha have you seen Thur I have his present but he’s not opening his door” I asked holding his birthday present in my hand. “Yeah he told me to tell you to go in the tree house” Charles said while doing his hair. “Thank you cha” I giggled before running to the tree house hearing Arthur.
“Thur” I sang from the bottom of the tree house before giggling when I see him stick his head out. “petit lapin what are you doing here” he asked me looking confused on why I was at the house so early. “Got you a present that I want you to open in private” I said softly before climbing the ladder to the tree house. He just smile at me helping me up the last step before looking at the present in my hand. “You didn’t have to petit lapin I don’t expect anything” he whispered softly to me holding my hand still.
“Here open” I squealed excitedly giving him the present. He just smiled at my reaction before opening it and seeing a red bracelet. “I know your favorite color is red because of Ferrari so I made you a red bracelet, so that one day when you become a Ferrari driver you have a perfect bracelet” I explain before looking at him. “Do you like it” I asked him before feeling him pull me into a hug. “I love it Mon petit lapin” he whispered softly into my ear making me smile before hugging him back.
“Love you Thur” I whispered to him softly. “I love you too Mon petit lapin” he whispered back to me before we get called down by Charles and Pierre. We get down and Pierre sees the red bracelet on Arthur’s wrist. “She spent all day and night making that for you” he whispered to Arthur before looking at his little sister who was laughing with Charles about something stupid Charles had said. “Really” Arthur mumbled not believing that his petit lapin did that for him. On that very day he realized he was gonna be friends with her forever.
February 14, 2016
“No Thur it’s embarrassing everyone has a valentine but me” I mumbled against my pillow as he just chuckled rubbing my back. “Come on petit lapin, it’s not that bad” he laughed making me groan loudly in my pillow. “It is bad because even you have a date” I grumbled looking at him holding the teddy bear that he got me at the fair. “Your fifteen do you really need a valentine” he says to me softy rubbing my leg to make me feel better.
“You act like you’re so much older then me” I say smiled before looking at him with a bigger smile. “Go have fun your girl is probably waiting for you” I encouraged him to go have fun while holding my bear. “You sure because I don’t have to go” he asked me groan. “Yes go don’t be miserable here with me go have fun on your date Thur” I reassured him before I see him get up and walk out the door to go get ready for his date.
I sigh going into the kitchen and getting by all the good snacks we had. My mom just comes and sees me confused “what’s wrong Mon amour” she asked me seeing me get the good snacks. “No Valentine equals a very sad day maman” I said with a sad smile trying to lighten up the mood. “It’s okay Mon amour there will be many men lined up for you soon” she reassured me kissing my head before going back upstairs.
A few hours I hear the doorbell, then I hear my mom call me down stairs. “Y/n it’s for you amour” she called for me from the door. I groaned getting with my big pajama pants and Pierre’s hoodie that i never gave back going down stairs. “Who is it” I asked from the stairs before going to the door seeing Arthur with a big box of chocolate chips cookies along with white and pink tulips. “Wow look at you she’s gonna love it” I said softly with a smile before fixing his glasses that I loved on him. “Do you like it” he asked me with a smile as I fix his glasses. “Of course I do and she will too” I replied before looking at the beautiful flowers again.
“Well then my girl here are your favorite flowers and since you hate chocolate and can’t be normal whatsoever here is your cookies with chocolate that make no sense” he says to me giving me the flowers and cookies. “Thur what are you doing” I asked him holding the flowers and cookies. “Y/n Gasly, my petit lapin will you do me such an honor of being my Valentine” he questioned making me look up at him with a huge smile on your face. “Are you being serious right now” I asked almost about to cry from the sweet gesture.
“Actually now that I think about it I asked the wrong Gasly” he grinned at me making my eyes roll automatically. “Your stupid Leclerc” I said before hugging him wrapping my arms around his neck. “Not as stupid as you Gasly” he whispered to me wrapping his arms around my waist. My mom and dad just looking at us with awe on their faces when Arthur did all that for me. “I got more stuff in the car like food from your favorite restaurant, your favorite drink and everything else Mon petit lapin” he said softly kissing my head making me look up at him with the biggest smile on my face.
That was the day I realized I was in love with Arthur Leclerc.
November 18, 2023
Me and Arthur are walking down the strip of Las Vegas for the very first time. “This is Las Vegas, don’t really get the hype” Arthur laughed while walking around and looking at all the buildings. “Well Las Vegas is about gambling and drinking so” I giggled swinging our hands back and forth. “Yeah my pockets are done for the day” he told me before we walk in the lobby of our hotel. “Wanna go bother Pierre and Charles” I asked him with a slight smile on my face making him chuckle. “Let’s go” he says dragging me to the poker game they were playing with the other f1 drivers
“Hey tripod” I say to my brother before kissing his cheek and placing my head on his shoulder. “Soleil go bother someone else like max he’s winning right now” he whispered to me so no one else heard him. “No he scares me” I whispered back making him laugh and me just giggle. “Just go please and I’ll buy you sushi tomorrow” he offered making me going over to max placing my chin on his shoulder. “Max verstappen what are you doing on this fine evening” I say before he looks at me making me smile big and bright.
“Trying to ignore a certain Gasly” he says back with the same smile making me laugh. “Okay, okay I’m sorry please forgive me” I said before going to Arthur and sitting next to him at the booth where the rest of the drivers were. “I just realized is little Leclerc and Little Gasly dating” Max Fewtrell asked Lando who was drinking his drink. “Yeah they’ve been dating for like a while now, I think their childhood sweetheart.
“Wanna go back up and order room service” Arthur asked me while rubbing my thigh softly. “Always” I whispered before getting up off him and going to the elevators. “I still can’t believe you still have this” I say holding his hand and pointing at the red bracelet I made on his twelfth birthday. “A very special girl made it for me” he whispered softly to me before we walk to the room. “Yeah how special is she” I asked softly still holding his hand.
“Well she’s really special, the day she made me this was the day I fell in love with her” he says to me softly making me stop in my tracks. “W-what” I stuttered softly not believing the words that came out of his mouth. “I said the day she made me this was the day I fell in love with her, even though it was my twelfth birthday and she was 10 I fell hard” he whispered softly to me making me tear up.
“Please tell me you’re not joking, because if you are imma die Leclerc” I ranted fast making him look at me with his smile. “Never Mon petit lapin” he said before holding my face and kissing me. I kiss him back the guy I’ve loved for the past eleven years. The boy I had a crush on at five years old. I was kissing him I was finally kissing him.
He pulled away putting his forehead on mine. “I love you so much Mon petit lapin” he says while he tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. “I love you so much more Thur” I say back tearing up happy tears now that I finally had the love of my life in my arms. He kissed me the man that I’ve been in love with for eleven years counting finally kissed me.
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March 6 2024
“Gosh this feels so surreal” Charles said fixing Pierre’s and his bow ties in the back room. “I know I mean I always knew they were gonna end up together but wow it doesn’t feel real” Pierre said softly tearing up realizing his little sister his Soleil was gonna get married. He hugs Charles tearing up in his shoulder as Charles tears up with him.
“Oh come on I can’t have my best men cry on me” Arthur says before hugging them both softly laughing at the two. “Bunch of cry babies” he teased them before Pierre pulls away. “Hey my baby sister is gonna be a Leclerc let me have my moment” Pierre told him before wiping away his tears and looking at Arthur. My dad calls for Arthur telling him it’s time. “Promise me you’ll take care of her” Pierre said looking at him with a smile.
“I promise” Arthur said back before hugging him quickly making his way down to the doors where everyone is. They open the door for him and he walks down the aisle first seeing everyone he loves is there. His mom, my mom, all our friends and family. He makes it down to where the priest is taking his spot before all the maid of honors and best men walked down with each other. After then were the flower girls spreading white and pink tulip petals. After them I come in with my arm entangled with my dad’s as he tears up and tells me how much he loves me. He walks me down to my spot in front of Arthur where he mouths to me with tears in his eyes how beautiful I was.
The priest starts the reception not hearing anything but just staring at Arthur with so much love in my eyes showing him I couldn’t wait to be his forever. “Do you y/n, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to live together in matrimony, to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, to have and to hold, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live” the priest says to me making me squeeze his hands a bit making sure he knows I will first. “I do” I say softly while looking into Arthur’s eyes.
“And Do you Arthur, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to live together in matrimony, to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, to have and to hold, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live” the priest asked Arthur making him squeeze my hand like I did to him. “I do” he said back to me making a smile pop up on my face along with tears. I turn around and grab the wedding band from Kika and he turns around to grab it from Pierre. I slide it on his ring finger as he slides his on mine.
“I know pronounce you husband and wife, Arthur you may now kiss your bride” he said making Arthur grab me and kiss me softly. Feeling the feeling I’ve had in my body for eleven years slowly come back. I kissed him back before pulling away as everyone is clapping for us. I grab his hand and we both walk down the aisle hand in hand going to the car to go to our honeymoon. I kiss him one last time before kissing and hugging everyone good bye before I get in the car where Arthur is waiting for me. “So Mrs. Leclerc Gasly where would you like to go first” Arthur asked me as he puts the car in drive.
“Anywhere you are Mr. Leclerc Gasly” I said before rolling down our windows and driving off wherever we will go. Only we know that and that’s only for us to know.
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Notes: I’m not crying you are. I know you asked me something so little but I just had to make it um how do you say it. ✨extra✨ which made the story a masterpiece. I did this scene twice because I forgot to save it and I left and everything went with me sooo. I really hope you like it and more story’s coming soon.
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lushafterglow · 9 hours
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Bite me
Chapter Two -> you only live once.
Paring: Streamer Sukuna x Influencer F!Reader
Summary: Your new friend Nobara invites you to one of her and her giant group of friends hang out. You didn’t know it was street racing, nor did you knew if getting in Sukuna’s car during it was a good idea. But you still did it.
Masterlist
Warnings: 5 year age gap, street racing, cursing.
Taglist: @cosmicbreathe @mangiswig @nyxlai @attackonnat @rqdior @ashfrommyfire @christinerose380 (just ask to be added)
Series masterlist
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A few days had past since you’d gotten the dm from Sukuna. You two texted pretty regularly each day, and you never mentioned anything to anyone. You had also assumed Sukuna said nothing to anyone as well.
You were pretty open with your followers, you’d always were one to tell them about something when you were excited. However, this felt like something that was just for you. The secret texting, was a secret, one only the two of you knew, and you loved that privacy.
You and Nobara pulled into the location and you looked around as if you weren’t in the right place.
“Are you sure this is the right spot?”
Nobara nodded enthusiastically at you and got out of the driver’s seat and you followed after her. “And you're sure I’m not intruding?”
Nobara gave you and a side hug before her voice spoke out, “As if, everyone is cool with you being here.”
You nodded your head before you readjusted your hat. “How many people are here?” You had noticed a bunch of cars lined up. “The entirety of our group, most of the guys are racing.”
Wait what? Racing?
Before you could ask anything an arm wrapped around you and Nobara and a familiar voice spoke — except this time it wasn’t on a screen.
“What took you guys so longggg.” It was Gojo Satoru. You had to stop a little fan squeal. This man has won championships in gaming.
Nobara didn’t share the same excitement you had as she pushed his arm off of her and scolded him for invading her space.
You couldn’t help but feel eyes on you. You looked over Gojo’s shoulder and saw a piercing gaze staring directly into your eyes.
You notice how his jaw twitched a little, and the annoyed curve of his brow. Your breathing started to slow as you looked at him, eyes full of curiosity.
Sukuna wore a black leather Jacket with black jeans and a dangling earring. A white piece of gum flashed out his mouth before his tongue drew it back.
Your breath hitch and he gave you a smirk that could give the devil himself a run, but maybe he was the devil. He looked so sinfully beautiful, but maybe he was the apple offered to Eve. Because he looked so tempting to try, you couldn't help but wish for that.
Lost in your thoughts you hadn't noticed Gojo walking you to the cars that you had previously seen lined up. Nor did you notice Nobara and Gojo's conversation, only snapping out of your mind when Gojo brought you into the conversation. "Well Y/N thinks I'm gonna win right?"
He looked down at you expectantly, as if the possibility of you saying no was impossible. "I'm the best." He added on as if that was a fact,, and truthfully there are very few that could give Gojo a run for his money in anything. "He looked down at you expectantly, as if the possibility of you saying no was impossible. "I'm the best." He added on as if that was a fact,, and truthfully there are very few that could give Gojo a run for his money in anything.
"I think you better live up to your word." You told the tall, snow-white-haired man. Who in return gave you a grin that was filled with his ego.
Someone hit Gojo's shoulder and then pointed to the line-up with all the guys getting into their cars. Gojo immediately took off with the guy you now recognize as Geto Suguru.
The two best friends got into their own cars and you looked to the car two down away from Gojo. The car was dark red and you looked to the figure who blew smoke out from their cigarette.
You knew who it was before the smoke even cleared and showed his face.
He threw the death stick onto the ground and stomped it, making his way to the driver's side of his car. He opened the door and just before he took a seat inside he gave you a little wink.
All the car's engines roared to life, each of them revving it. You and Nobara had front-row seats, though you were standing. You noticed each and every car didn't have a driver's plate.
A girl waved a green flag and all the cars immediately took off, flying. you watched as the car zoomed and you turned to Nobara who was cheering her girlfriend, Maki on. "What are the rules?" You asked her curiously.
"The guys have to go about three blocks away, there's checkmarks, and there's five laps, so five times they have to pass each check mark." You nodded in understanding.
On the board where the girl with the green flag was, had all the racer's names. Gojo hit his first check mark and Sukuna not even a second later hit it as well.
Soon the racers finished their first lap, and you expected Sukuna to keep going but he smashed his brakes and rolled down his window.
He pointed to you and then gestured for you to come to him. You pointed to your self causing him to yell, "Yes, and hurry up!"
you hurried over to him and he immediately spoke before you could. "Get in." he reached over and opened the door. As you went to tell him no fucking way a white car flashed past the two of you. "You're causing me to lose babe. Get. In."
The authority in his fast made you sit so fast, and the second you closed your door he sped off. Quick as you could click your seat belt in place. Holding on for dear life. "Are you crazy?!"
Sukua looked in his review mirror and gave you a little hum. "Maybe. So a celebrity crush on me huh?" You didn't even know what to say, should you call him crazy again? He seemed pretty fucking self-aware. Not to mention the sound of his voice made your brain dead for a second. His stream audios did his voice no justice.
You couldn't even help the thought passing through your head. 'He would talk you through it.'
"I- uh have no idea what you're talking about."
As if your heart couldn't beat any faster he looked away from the road and to you. "Sure babe. But I will say, you calling Gojo hot pissed me off."
You hurried and leaned across the console, pushing his head back to the road. "I'm going to die tonight." The sound of his laughter filled the car. "Loosen up, you only live once." His veins flexed as he shifted gears and gained a more focused look on his face.
You slowly shook your head and scoffed in disbelief. "I wasn't expecting us to meet like this, under the circumstances."
A devilish smirk grew on his face as he shifted gears once again and leaned over the console to whisper in your ear, his eyes not leaving the road.
"I'm so glad you think of me."
By the time Sukuna was coming up to the finish line you were actually having fun. You had your hand out the window, and when he crossed that line you noticed he was second by the last second.
Gojo had won and you couldn’t help feel a bit responsible for Sukuna’s lost, he wasted time making you get in the car.
“I’m sorry for the lost.” The two of you hadn’t left the tinted car, but Sukuna did turn it off. “Nah don’t worry about it. Winning wasn’t my goal today.”
You you gave him a curious glance, “what was the goal?” He let a little laugh flow from his lips. “To get a pretty girl alone tonight.”
Your lips frowned in a sour mood. Of course his goal was to find a girl and get laid tonight. “Should have known that. The girl with braids is cute.” You pointed out to the girl that Sukuna was subconsciously looking at.
Sukuna looked over to you and his grin widened as he leaned over the console.
You looked back to him and gave you a raise brow as if to say ‘really?’ His voice came out in a whisper but he still had that rasp to it. “Think about it.”
Almost instantly you knew what he was talking about. You. He had gotten you alone in a car. He wanted you alone.
You nodded your head and rolled your lips in embarrassment. Though you were a bit happy you were alone with him and not the other girl. “So what now?”
Sukuna’s eyes casted down to your lips and spoke while never looking away. “Well the windows are tinted.”
“When he freezes over.” No way would you do that while 1. You’re with a bunch of friends and 2. With someone you just actually met.
“I could probably get that to happen.” Spoken like the devil he is.
Before you could further continue the conversation some banged on the window cause you to jump, as if you were sticking your hand in the cookie jar.
Sukuna opened the door and it was Yuji, his brother. “Yo, after party you comin?”
‘Biggest fucking cock block.’ Was what Sukuna wanted to say but instead. “Yeah I’m on my way now.” Sukuna got out the car and you did the same, returning Yuji’s wave with your own.
You followed Sukuna to the house that was actually really fucking fancy. “Where are we?”
Sukuna looked down at you then back around the house. “Gojo’s house. We always start are races here and then finish them here.” You nodded in understanding and went to the kitchen. Sukuna right on your tail.
The second you were in the kitchen, you saw Nobara, Yuji, Gojo, Geto, and another kid you didn’t recognize.
Nobara was the first to see you and gave you a red cup, “have fun!”
She was already pretty drunk and you still needed a ride to get home. Though Sukuna words from earlier flooded your mind. ‘You only live once.’
You chugged it down and everyone cheered, maybe it was time to finally have some fun.
You stumbled into the parking area where all the cars were at, and started to pull out your phone. You tired to hit the password for it but your fingers hit other buttons and you ended up locked out your phone for 5 minutes.
A groan left your mouth as you felt the wind start to nip at your shoulders. When you stumbled a second time you dropped your phone and just before you yourself dropped hands caught you around your waist.
“Easy there.”
You recognized his voice. You looked up to the spiky pink hair and red nipped at your cheeks, but you blamed the cold. “Shhhhhh— hi.” You slurred your words causing Sukuna to laugh.
“Can you walk.” In an attempt to show him you started to do as so only to stumble to the left.
Before you could make a second attempt he lifted you up — bridal style — and started to carry you to his car. “Wait my phone!”
Sukuna placed you in the car and handed you your phone he had already picked up. He buckled you up and closed the door.
He got on his side and repeated the process besides the seat belt part. “Where do you live?” Luckily you could remember that as you listed off your address.
The engine roared to life and you could help the giggle leaving your mouth, you had thought you were going racing again. Though to your dismay he kept the speed safe and took the back roads to your house. 
You hummed to the radio and Sukuna subconsciously hummed to it as well. Sukuna looked over you for what seemed like the millionth time. He grabbed your hat causing a whiny hey leaving your lips. He had adjusted the hat and placed it on his own head.
When you had gotten home he helped you out the car and into your house. He walked you over to your bed and before you laid down you reached you arms over his shoulder and brought him into a hug.
“Thank you for tonight.”
Sukuna only use one arm to wrap around your waist, and after a second he used the same are to put you into your bed and the other to put the blankets on.
When you woke up Sukuna was gone and you had a killer headache in replacement of him.
Hiiii part three should be out soon!
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stargirlfics · 1 day
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i’m turning 25 next monday 🤗
kinda crazy honestly but very cool and it’s kind of sinking in that like I should and can celebrate myself after years of not wanting to make my birthday a huge deal, so the bf and I are planning a small friends and family party on the day and I already bought party decorations and they’re My Melody themed which makes me so happy! it’s gonna be really cute!
there’s the excitement but also a lot of other feelings I’m trying to assure myself are normal and I’m sure everyone else on the planet who’s been 25 at some point has felt but I realize that I’ve spent the last five years unraveling and healing a lot of things that I don’t think I really thought about what it would be like to get to this age but I’m sitting here and feeling like i have so much to give and to learn still and that feels exciting
previously i’ve been upset with myself for struggling with things I thought I should have a handle on by now but approaching another year I want to accept that I do worry about my place in people’s lives and I want to accept that I am still trying to find a solid sense of self worth, I’ve worked my tail off to make those things better but it’s okay that it’s hard cause I’m new at this and nobody has all the answers anyways, it’s okay that I struggle
i want to accept that and gain a little more security within myself bc every year that I get older the more I feel just a bit more comfortable in who I am and I hope that only gets stronger. it’s exhausting questioning whether I’m worthy enough for people to stick around for or not and I know I can’t ask or wish for this to never be a problem again but I hope and believe I can start to really grasp that inherently I am a whole person and nothing about me is going to make others run away, I belong in the world and am loved, I am beautiful and my words and thoughts matter greatly and people want me and need me in their lives 🩷
hmm lots to take on but it’s Aries season and when has an Aries ever let a mountain stop them!
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eggyrocks · 1 day
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whats da band lore how did they do dat
okay if i’m going to answer this question it’s gonna be LONG (also cannon does not apply here yall im making this shit UP)
noya and yn are childhood friends who kinda discovered punk music together at a very young age
like they were seven listening to agent orange together
yn liked how angry and passionate it is and noya liked how high energy and badass it is
yn’s favorite bands/biggest influences were skinned teen, gitogito hustler, and melt-banana
noya’s were sicilian blood, social distortion, and minor threat
yn was obsessed with learning guitar. she would take books out from the library and imagine she was playing on a fake one & would ‘practice’ and memorize as much of the technical terms as she could & this was how she learned to read sheet music
noya’s grandfather got him a guitar as gift one day and he let yn actually practice on it in exchange for teaching her what she knew
so they were self taught guitar players together 🥹
and they always knew they wanted to start a band but they were both guitar players and two guitar players does not a band make
yn was willing to learn bass too but even if she did they would still need a drummer
enter: tanaka
(influences: fugazi. that’s it. that man loves fugazi)
they met in middle school and the day they met tanaka it was like they were life long friends
like that bond was instant
and one day they were hanging out at noya’s house and tanaka saw his guitar was he was like “oh you play”
“yeah we both play guitar we wanna start a band but we can’t find anyone who can drum”
“oh i can drum. does that help?”
“???? yes???”
and so tanaka became the drummer and that’s when they started having practices
at first they were so bad
like
so so bad
yn tried to play bass but was not the best at it and yn and noya kept arguing over who did vocals bc neither one of them wanted to do it
until one day yn said “you know if you’re the frontman and the vocalist you’ll get the most attention from girls” and that did it for him
only problem was tanaka wanted to be a vocalist after that too
they mostly just played covers at first but noya was writing his own songs too
he’d mostly write lyrics and yn would mostly write music but most of the time neither were very good until tanaka came in and edited what they were working on
their sound was extremely sloppy and unrefined but by the time they entered high school their technical skills had improved a lot
except for yn’s bass playing. she hated it and practiced as little as she could
so one day during their first year of high school the band made a ton of posters asking bass players to come try out
enter: yachi
(now yachi did NOT like punk music. her influences were more like: the strokes, pixies, elliot smith)
yachi plays A LOT of instruments
clarinet? she’s a pro. cello? of course. girl can even play the harp.
she’s an extremely technically gifted bass player
post-high school yachi has really come into herself and gained a ton of confidence but high school yachi was still timid as hell
she saw the flyer and though it would be a lot of fun to put her skills to use in a creative way
but then she showed up to their after school practice spot, flyer in hand and shaking like a leaf
two scary looking dudes and perhaps even a scarier looking girl? yeah no. she’s out
but she couldn’t get away. yn was so excited at not just the prospect of having a bass player finally join them but also another girl? she dragged yachi back there lmao
and even though yachi was so visibly anxious that all sort of melted away when she started playing and she became the coolest most confident person alive
they were actually sort of blown away the first time they heard her play. like the band was like !!! you might be too good for us to tell you the truth
yn was on her hands and knees begging her to join
so she did! and was very happy to feel so wanted and included
and then with the addition of yachi that’s when they really started to get good
while noya and yn were self taught and though still pretty knowledgeable, yachi had a lot of technical knowledge that really helped them grow
and they started practicing more and more
like too much maybe
their grades suffered
but they really improved a lot and halfway through their second year, they played their first show
it was a disaster
so extremely chaotic
they had nothing set up right and they kept having to stop their set to fix shit and they got heckled and yn threatened to skin the person and from there they were politely asked to stop the set early
it was bad
they realized they needed more help
enter: kiyoko
(she doesn’t play any instruments but her favorite musicians/bands are mazzy star, fiona apple, and the cardigans)
they had met kiyoko before
they were all hanging out together when tanaka tried to talk to her and yn got so embarrassed to be seen with him she hit the back of his head and apologized on his behalf
kiyoko kinda got attached to yn from there; she didn’t have a lot of super close friends & she appreciated her consideration of her feelings
and they started to grow closer and yn, yachi, and kiyoko started to hang out a lot more
it was really good for all of them
yn didn’t have a lot of friends and she was really grateful to be with people who didn’t judge her for her more alternative persona
yachi kept getting more and more confident and felt like she was discovering herself
kiyoko was always very timid and was not the best at initiating conversations or being part of a group but she felt no pressure hanging out with yn and yachi and talking to them was so easy for her
so they got really close
so naturally after the disaster performance yn and yachi were complaining to kiyoko
who said without really thinking much of it “i can help you guys out”
so she did
it was super overwhelming at first because there’s a lot of things to keep track of and a lot of technical things to learn
but kiyoko really loved helping them out
and the more she learned the more she started to offer input or take initiative
tanaka and noya of course loved this
their natural instinct was to act like freaks around her but yn kept that in check
with a lot of threats
and occasionally following through on the threats
and kiyoko started to feel like a member of their band
and they always practiced with her and listened to her critiques and followed her advice
her input and guidance are extremely valuable and half of the reason they’re still a band
tanaka was so in love with her from the start and the more dedicated she became to the band the worse it got
he was so in love with her he didn’t even notice that she eventually started to show signs that she might feel the same way
it only took 6 months for them to start dating and the only person who was surprised was tanaka
it took a LONG time for them to record their first album
it was a mess
a lot of arguing
a lot of clashing opinions
but after writing and rewriting and recording and rerecording
they finally put together a full length album
12 songs, 39 minutes
it’s a little rough and sloppy but hey
that’s punk
and they were all really proud of it
they’ve since put out one ep with 6 shorter tracks
they’re working on their second one now but hey. albums are a lot of effort to make
but tanaka keeps saying it’s going to be the greatest album of all time (it won’t be)
and that’s the freaking band lore
if you made it to the end. you’re a real one
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wackybuddiemewbs · 24 hours
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Still not done. For reasons. Wacky brian go brrrrr. Happy new season, peeps!
This Future We Choose
Part 3/???
Part 1 • Part 2
Buck knew this was going to bite him in the ass eventually. He just had hoped it would be a while longer until he’d have to face the consequences for his actions. He will blame his stupidly bruised ribs for it, but of course his research material had to slide out of his folder and sail to the ground, just as he was about to show his sister the seating table he’d prepared for the wedding.
And of course, Maddie instantly recognized what those papers were, picked them up before he could bend down himself, and gave him that look.
While everyone knows by now that him and Natalia are no longer a thing, this was the thing he’d meant to keep between himself and Eddie a while longer. But fortune continues to be anywhere but on his side.
So his time is up, as his sister’s stern look at him will tell him with utmost surety.
“What are these?” Maddie asks.
“Research?” Buck answers, tight-lipped.
“Why are you researching that?”
“Coz I wanted to?”
Maddie rolls her eyes at him. “Evan.”
“Well, what do you think?” he grumbles.
“So you… seriously consider adoption? Or fostering a child?” she asks, her tone shifting to something more serious and thus something Buck knows he will find impossible to escape from.
Buck can feel his jaw tensing up. “That’s what started it, yeah.”
It started out feeling great, actually. Buck felt the usual excitement he has bubbling up in his stomach when he finds a new field of interest and learns all about it. It felt like it was all coming together, like he was coming back together, like he was heading in all the right directions at long last.
But it doesn’t matter how you start the journey, it matters how you end it.
And Buck got the sinking feeling a while ago that this journey ended before it ever truly began.
“I had… no clue, to be honest. That this is something you were considering now. I mean, I always knew you wanted kids, but… this is much more concrete than just a general wish to want children further down the road,” Maddie mutters pensively, her eyes drifting back to the brochures.
Buck rolls his shoulders. “Well, I guess actually dying sheds some light on how short life is.”
Maddie shoots him a stern look yet again, the kind of look that makes him cringe the same way it did when he was still a kid. Buck knows he shouldn’t be joking about it as much as he still does, especially with Maddie present. But sometimes, he can’t help himself. Not because he thinks death is funny, that his death was. But, as of late, he starts to think that his death was indeed some kind of cosmic joke at his expenses.
So why shouldn’t I laugh it up, at least?
“A lot’s happened this year that made me look at what I really want in life,” Buck chooses to say instead. “And… and one thing I can say for sure is that I want to become a father.”
Maddie touches his forearm lightly. “That’s great. It really is. And I’m not… I’m just surprised, that’s all.”
“I get that. I was surprised, too,” Buck replies.
“But… why would you keep this from us, from me? This is great news!”
Buck makes a face. “Because it’s weird?”
Because it’s futile?
“You wanting kids is not weird at all. Honestly, I’m still surprised you don’t have one already. You always loved kids, so much. And you’re great with them. I mean, just look at Jee doting on you. And you sure came around a lot, so I wondered that you didn’t…,” Maddie says, her voice trailing off.
Buck nudges her lightly. “Hey, I got the talk early on in my life. And I was taught very emphatically to always use protection, always.”
“Don’t remind me,” she grunts. “Because I was the one who had to give the talk to you.”
“I appreciated the diagrams and the flash cards. Has me very sure you’re gonna put out the greatest PowerPoint presentation ever for Jee, once it’s time to talk about the birds and the bees,” Buck laughs.
“So, there’s nothing weird at all about you wanting kids. I find it weird that you’ve been keeping this to yourself for so long, though. I mean, judging by the dates on some of the printouts, you’ve been doing research for a few weeks, at least,” Maddie says, gesturing at the apparent evidence of his own failures.
“Well, once it dawned on me that this is what I wanted, I guess I just wanted to get a better understanding of what’s involved in the process before announcing my intentions,” Buck explains. Which is true enough. He figured that research would make it less scary, less daunting. While Buck is considered to be somewhat the “daredevil” on the job, he can’t say the same is true when it comes to those private matters. That’s why he actually went through the hassle to print things out, to have physical proof, to make this just a bit more real.
But in the end, none of it worked.
In the end, it’s all just fantasy and make-believe.
“But why not talk to me?” He can hear the pain there, which Buck probably should have anticipated.
“I wasn’t trying to keep this from you,” he tells her in all earnest. Sure, Buck didn’t want to talk about it, but he didn’t want to leave Maddie out of the picture in particular.
I just wanted to have something to show for it. And look at me now, winding up empty-handed yet again.
“But you did not want to tell me, even though you’re sure that this is what you want,” she argues. “I just want to understand why.”
“I… I don’t know. I felt like I needed more information before saying anything, to anyone. I just started out with the premise that I wanted to be a father, really. But how? That was a big question mark for me. It still is. So I figured that I’d want to know what to announce at least, like… I wanna foster, I wanna adopt…”
She shakes her head slowly. “That’s not why you wouldn’t say anything, though.”
And of course she is right, of course Maddie sees through it. She’s been trained at reading him since they were children. Maddie raised him, so she sees the things that Buck is always busy to hide. And while it still saddens him that his big sister had to shoulder that responsibility, Buck knows that she will keep watching out for him the same way he looks out for her.
Us against the rest of the world, right?
“If you know the answer already, then why do you keep asking?” Buck doesn’t meet her gaze, he can’t.
“Because I’d rather hear it from you,” Maddie answers.
He sighs. “Honestly? I feel like it’s a good thing I didn’t announce anything, because I feel like this isn’t going anywhere.”
Maddie blinks at him. “So you don’t want to… be a father anymore?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then why doesn’t it go anywhere?” She frowns.
Buck did, too, frown a lot, at himself. He frowned at the reflection in the bathroom mirror, his faint outline on the computer screen. He frowned at his own thoughts, and his own feelings. Because they didn’t make sense anymore. Whatever he thought he had figured out about himself, it did not fit together. Like he found some puzzle pieces, but they come from different sets.
“Because the more I look at those brochures and papers, the more I realize that this isn’t… that’s not me,” Buck admits.
“Well, there’s other options.”
“I know.”
He researched, he looked, he tried to find something different. Only to come back to the same spot over and over again. To be stuck, all over again.
Because fortune is not my friend. Because I seemingly have to keep living in waiting mode.
“But?”
“But I don’t want any of those options,” Buck says.
“So you want to be a father… but you don’t want to go for any of the options that’d make you a father?” Maddie asks, looking rightfully confused.
And if you put it like that, it really makes absolutely no sense at all. Which seems oddly fitting. Because Buck has a tendency to want the things he knows for a fact he can’t have. His parents’ love, for who he is, and not just for who he can be to other people. The feeling of being enough, of no longer needing any software updates. A world where he’s enough to protect the people he loves from all harm there is.
And someone to love me anyway.
“I didn’t pretend like this was making any sense, so I won’t start now,” Buck grumbles. He fixes his gaze on Maddie, looking at her with pleading eyes. “Can we just pretend like this never happened?”
He is really good at that, for better or worse.
“No,” is the definitive answer from his big sister, which he knew would come.
“Pretty please with sprinkles on top?” he bargains anyway.
“Evan.”
Buck knows that when Maddie uses that tone of voice when saying his name, there is really no escape anymore. Because Maddie is one of the few people who can actually speak to Evan. The vulnerable kid who only ever cried wolf to be loved by the people who refused to see him. The kid that was willing to bleed out for just one concerned look from his mother and father.
Buck keeps Evan deep inside his chest, for precisely that reason. Because he is that fragile, that broken, inside and out. Buck is stronger than that. He has grown. He has matured. He built up enough scar tissue and callouses. His bones broke often enough, and grew together strong, so he can catch himself if he falls. And he found other people to look at him a different way, to help him back to his feet.
Perhaps foolishly, Buck still tries to protect Evan as much as he can from the outside world. Because Evan doesn’t know how to seem fine. Evan only knows how to get hurt to be seen. Evan knows how to bleed, but not how to stop the bleeding. Buck knows how to become good at bearing the pain without anyone seeing. So not to become a burden.
But he knows he can’t fool Maddie. Because she knows Evan as well as Buck. She loves them both. And she will always manage to lure Evan out of the box deep inside Buck’s chest, the way she’s always managed since they were kids. But once he is outside, Buck knows he can’t shield him, and he can’t keep him from showing all the places he aches that’d Maddie mean to kiss better.
“You want to be a father, but you don’t want to go with any of the options that might make that wish come true,” Maddie tells him. “And you can’t even look me in the eye, saying it. Why?”
Buck’s eyes drift back to the brochures and printouts still on the floor, the ones in her hand, and he can feel his chest tighten to the point that it gets hard to breathe. And it’s not because of the bruised ribs. It’s because Evan long since crawled his way out, begging to be loved anyway. And Buck can’t tell him to go back and keep waiting.
Because the time won’t come.
Because the more he looks at those brochures, the more he is reminded of the reason why he can’t get there after all. Why his hopes are yet again in vain.
“Because the more research I do, the more I realize that I don’t want any of that. Not like this, at least,” he admits at last.
It’s no use anyway.
And he can bear that pain. He will have to, for Evan and himself.
“I… still don’t understand what you mean by that,” Maddie answers faintly.
“I don’t either! I thought I finally figured it out. The great epiphany! That I wanna be a father, more than anything. And that’s still true. It’s so damn true it hurts. I want to be a father, so bad. I want a child that’s mine and that I don’t have to give to anyone else.”
Tears sting in Buck’s eyes, though that’s just about the smallest pain he feels. Even his stupid ribs don’t hurt as much as this. And it just isn’t fair. To finally know what you want, only to realize that you can’t have that. Because being aimless is one thing, but knowing you won’t ever come to the shores you call home? That’s damn well a curse.
Maddie moves into his line of vision. She places a warm hand on his back, extends her other hand to squeeze his forearm.
“Hey, hey. It’s alright,” she soothes.
“It’s actually not.”
It hasn’t been in a long time, but the fool he is, he failed to see it. Because he wanted to seem fine, because he wanted to be fine again. For everyone else and himself. So Evan would remain where he put him, protected, so Buck could get back to his feet and find a way to move forward again. To maybe find a life where Evan could come out and not bleed out from a lack of love.
“Why not? I can only repeat it, there’s plenty of options to fulfill your dream,” Maddie tries to reassure him.
“There really isn’t. And that’s what makes this so damn stupid.” Tears now roll freely down his cheeks. Buck wipes at them angrily, relishes the small burn that comes with rubbing skin against skin.
“Why?”
“Because I know I want to be a father, but I… I want to be a father to a child I know I can’t be a father to,” Buck whimpers, almost choking on those truths that should have no business burning so much down his throat.
“You mean Connor’s and Kameron’s…,” Maddie mutters, but Buck interjects rather harshly, “No.”
Oh, and how he wished that was true. Because that would be easy. Anyone would understand, everyone assumes anyway. Buck wished it was that easy, but this situation only made him realize what he wanted, and just like he had to give over that child, he had to realize that he couldn’t ever get to where he wants to be.
“What child, then, if not their son?”
“Eddie’s son. Christopher.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose.
Biggest fuckin’ joke of my life.
“Christopher.”
“Yeah,” Buck croaks.
Christopher, always Christopher. In every brochure, every stock image, he saw that little guy with his dorky smile and glasses, heard his giggling, felt the way only that little guy could hug him. The boy he thought he had to give up on, knows he has to learn to let go, to be what he wants to be: A father.
Buck swallows thickly. “You know, I’ve tried to put some distance between us, lately. Between Eddie, Chris, and I. To, to figure this father thing out. Because I felt like I was… like I was using them, to have the second-best thing to being a father. But I… I miss them so damn much.”
Maddie keeps rubbing circles on his back, just as she’d done when they were both still kids and he could not be consoled after their parents looked right through him yet again.
“I… I keep seeing Christopher every time I turn the page in one of those stupid brochures. I don’t just want to have a kid that’s mine. I want that one specific kid to be mine. Even though I know he ain’t, even though I know he won’t ever be,” Buck cries, no longer able to hold it in, to contain it.
The love he can’t express, he pours it right out, like bad blood, but it just keeps on coming and coming and coming.
He might be what Eddie would want for his son, should something happen to him, but Buck isn’t that outside that scenario. So long there’s Eddie, and God knows he will make sure of it, he won’t be that for Christopher. He can’t be that for Christopher.
In the end, always the backup plan, isn’t it?
“Christopher loves you,” Maddie argues.
“But not as his dad, never as that. Because I’m not his father. Even in the event that something should happen to Eddie, and I’d take care of him… he wouldn’t be mine, not really. Inside my heart, yes, but… never outside it.”
Bobby once told Chimney that having a child is like having a heart outside of yourself. But Buck know he can’t have that, that he won’t ever get there. He can only treasure that child inside his heart, so no one can see just how much he loves that kid. Because the love he feels for him, he knows he is not entitled to.
I won’t ever be enough to them to be entitled to it. Because that isn’t my place. Not really. More than a guest, but only ever temporary. Never forever.
“Eddie would let me, that’s not the thing. But… but I can’t go on pretending, in my heart, that… that we are a family, in that sense,” Buck whimpers.
“Eddie considers you family.”
“Yeah, but not in the way I’d want him to consider me.”
Which is the icing on top of that shit sundae.
“What?”
“Forget it,” Buck replies quickly.
Because he doesn’t know how much more he can take. Because everything hurts, hurts more than his stupid ribs, more than his stinging eyes, or his inflamed cheeks. And Buck doesn’t want any more pain. He doesn’t want any more pain for Evan who is outside his little box right now, for that part of him to come to the realization that there is yet another thing they failed at.
“No, tell me, please,” Maddie begs. “I want to help.”
“I just know that this is nothing you can help me with,” Buck whispers. “Even though you’re my big sister and I grew up thinking you’re my personal superhero. But this… you can’t fix. And I think I can’t either.”
Maddie takes a deep breath, considers his words, then searches his eyes again. “Alright, then maybe I can’t fix this. But I… I know for a fact that not talking about things that hurt us, scare us, terrify us… those darkest spots in our lives… that’s even worse. And I won’t have my little brother repeat the mistakes I’ve made.”
“You didn’t…”
“It doesn’t matter,” she interjects sternly. “What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to keep pretending like all is fine. Like you have to keep something from me, or anyone else. You can always tell me these things. Always. Even if you may actually want to say them to someone else, you can always say them to me first. I don’t pretend to have the answers, but I can listen. And I always will, Evan. But I need to hear it from you.”
Buck looks at his sister for a long moment. He thinks about how far she’s come, how much she’s overcome. And how glad he is that she finally gets some of the pay off for the years of sacrifice. In the end, Maddie is still his personal superhero, not because she is invincible, but because she wears her scars and comes out stronger every time. Because like him, she never gives up, or even if she almost did, she fought her way back.
He takes a deep breath, then another. Maddie is right, he should say those things to someone else. But the person he’d normally go to for this? He can’t say. Buck screws his eyes shut, trying to forget all that, if only for a moment.
“Losing something can sure make you realize how much you loved it, even if you knew you loved it all along. I remember reading that, when I was still recuperating after the lightning strike.”
Buck read a lot, while at the hospital. Not just self-help books. When he stumbled over that quote, he had some sense of how that rang true for him. He just couldn’t put his finger on it, not really. Then his life took one sharp turn after the other, with Kameron and Connor and the baby, with Natalia.
The book fell back into his hands when she got the last of her things. And when he flipped to that page, it felt like lighting was striking through him again. Because he was right back in his coma dream, and it was glaring at him, laughing at him.
Who wasn’t there? Who was the one person who’s so close to you you didn’t see? Who, hm?
“I’m not following,” Maddie mutters, blinking at him.
“The more distance I put myself between myself and Eddie and Christopher, the more I realized just how alone I feel when I don’t have them near me,” Buck says.
“As I said, they love you, too.”
“And I love them, God, I love them. But I can’t love them like I wanna love them. And that fuckin’ hurts.”
Buck loved before. He knows what heartbreak feels like. But he never loved like this, and at some point, he wished he never found out that he could love like this. Because it’s a kind of love that burns even worse than the one he still feels for his parents. Even though they can’t love him back. Even though they made him walk through fire every day of his life. Because it’s the kind of fire he will keep walking into, against better judgment. Because he could learn to live without his parents, but he can’t learn to be without them.
“I can’t love Christopher like a father. And I can’t love Eddie like a partner. I can’t love them as my family I go home to every single night. I can’t love them like I do, and it sucks, and it hurts, and I just want it to stop.”
“P, partner?” Maddie stammers, still taking that in.
“Yeah, that’s about the face I made when it dawned on me,” Buck huffs bitterly. “I mean, in true Buck fashion, I kept missing all the signs. It’s always been there, and I… not even all of those epiphanies I feel I had in my coma dream prepared me for that one. Eddie wasn’t in it, in that dream, not really. Though that’s probably the great message, and I waltzed right past it.”
That his heart wasn’t in it, literally. That his heart wasn’t in that supposedly perfect life. The man who let him into his own, wasn’t there. The man who’d given his heart over to him, telling him that he is not expendable. The world that was without Eddie was the one without Christopher. And that world may have had his parents loving him in it, may have had Daniel alive, but it didn’t have them. And how can such a world ever be any good?
Buck has been wrecking his brain about it. Ever since he broke up with Natalia, he felt like he was finally gaining perspective. Only for the light to switch and put Eddie and Christopher in the spotlight. At first, he liked to think that they were simply his measure to go by. Because Buck wants to be a dad like Eddie, loving, caring, kind. And he wants a kid just like Christopher. So that seemed straightforward enough. Until it became even more twisted. Because the harder he looked, the more he realized they weren’t just the model Buck was going by, they were it. Both of them. Not just Christopher. But Eddie.
Always Eddie.
Buck can’t say he thought about Eddie as someone he wanted to be with, romantically. Sure, an attractive guy, always. Someone Buck could unashamedly say he learned to love dearly. But he can’t say he longed for him the way he is doing it now. Or rather, he now sees all of those signs he missed, all the chances he missed. The things he didn’t see, because he looked at Eddie through the lens of friendship, of what it was, and not what it could be. Because Buck didn’t even dare to think outside that box. Despite his bravado, he was not brave enough. He liked not being a guest in Eddie’s house. And he was fine with that, just that.
I never thought I could be more than that.
But Buck grew, and he’s coming to terms with it that he gets to want more, be more. He took a step back and saw more than he used to. But once you start to think outside the box, you can’t go back to its confined space. You can’t go back to only just. Once you open your heart to wanting more, it won’t be satisfied with the lesser.
How can I be enough, if I am not enough to have them?
So now, he’s left with longing and missing again. He wants the things he can’t have. And Buck won’t jeopardize the happiness either Eddie or Christopher or Marisol have found together. He won’t be that person. He can’t sink that low. Even if that means he is back to greedily stuffing the crumbs of life with Eddie and Christopher into his mouth, like a guy who’s been left out in the desert for weeks without a single thing to eat.
So maybe he’s good enough for Eddie and Christopher, to be a part of their family. But he won’t be that part of the family. Maybe Marisol will fill that seat. Maybe it’s going to be someone who’s not even in Eddie’s life yet. But no matter what, this person won’t be him.
So what is he even doing, researching ways to have a child, to be a father? How could it be fair to that child? When, in the back of his head, he’d always wind a string around the mere image of Eddie and Christopher as part of the family he might build?
“I’m still wrapping my head around you being into guys. But then again, I never tried too hard to look at that as your sister,” Maddie says, shaking her head wide-eyed.
“I never dated guys, I just got down dirty with them.” Buck shrugs.
He never made it a secret, but he didn’t make it explicit either.
Except for when I told them about my track record in dating yoga instructors. Because those definitely weren’t all ladies…
Buck never had a serious relationship with guys. He just fooled around with them. And especially in the beginning, it may well be that he liked things a bit too rough. Which should show that he belonged in therapy since a young age, because no, that was surely not healthy at all.
“Yeah, no, I don’t need to know that. At all. Ever.” Maddie screws her eyes shut.
“I figured.”
Buck never cared for a label to put on that, he still doesn’t. Had anyone asked him back in the day, he would have said that he’s simply not picky. Today he can safely say that he is extremely picky, to the point that he reduced his entire happiness to two people, to the point that he can’t look at anyone else the way he looks at Eddie these days.
“Alright, I’m… I’m sorry, that caught me off-guard a bit. But… but in all seriousness now, yes?” Maddie goes on to say.
He blinks at her. “Yeah?”
“There’s nothing wrong with realizing that you love people, or that you’ve fallen in love with someone, even if it’s your best friend,” she tells him.
“But there’s something wrong with wanting to say it, to make them love you back in kind, when you know you really shouldn’t,” Buck argues. “Even if it’s your best friend.”
Or precisely because he is.
“We all just want to be loved in the end. And I know for a fact that you love big. But it’s not wrong to want to be loved back in kind,” Maddie points out.
“It’s wrong to want that, knowing where Eddie stands in life right now. Knowing…” He doesn’t have to finish for Maddie to understand where he is going with this.
“People break up, you know,” she offers, which only ever has him snort. “Like I’m going to hinge my hopes on him breaking up with Marisol.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“The problem is that Eddie loves me, but only as a friend. And even if he broke up with Marisol tomorrow… he won’t ever look at me any other way than that. And I can’t unsee what I’ve seen. I can’t look at him any other way than… this. And… and I feel like I’m losing them because of that. Because if I keep getting too close, I will… I will fuck it up, I know I will. Because I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I… this will come out eventually. And I will make a mess of everything. And I… I can’t do that.”
Fresh tears well up in his eyes.
Sure, he wants more. Sure, he wants to feel like he is enough. He tries to get there. But he knows he can’t have Eddie and Christopher, no matter how hard he tries. Not like this, at least. Because this is not about his worth or lack thereof. It’s just now how they see him. But what he can afford even less than this pain is the thought to lose the ways he has them.
He’d rather be less to them than nothing at all.
“But I also can’t keep away from them,” he continues, almost choking on the words. “I just… I don’t know what to do. I just know it hurts, no matter what I do. And I want it to stop, but it just doesn’t.”
Maddie pulls him into a hug, trying to cover up as much of him as she can, despite their difference in size. Buck sinks against her, tries to soak up her warmth to cast out the cold dread of being back where he began, only to remain stuck there.
Because there is no longer a world for him he can escape to, where he isn’t in love with Eddie, where he doesn’t want Christopher to be his son, where he doesn’t want them to be his family. It vanished, slipped through his fingertips.
“Oh, Evan.”
Buck used to think that Maddie’s hugs would always heal him. He still wants to believe that, but he can’t trust it. Because Evan is out there, and he looks back at him, begging to know why they can’t be loved anyway.
And Buck has no answer to that.
And he fears he never will.
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Every design that you made for the FNAF crew is how I constantly envision them now. Game William 100 percent looks like that 👍
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I can’t wait to make more designs in the new year 🙏🏾
Yall let me know who you’d like to see designed next!
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suja-janee · 9 days
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Listen… I’m not trying to turn this into a lord shen simp blog but the universe is testing my strength and will every. single. day.
#evil bird makes my simple brain happy#I literally just commissioned some one to draw my human Shen design#I’m so excited you have no idea#art of my ocs? 🥱 ART OF MY HUMAN LORD SHEN?? 🤩🤩🥹🥹🙌🙌#no guys I’m not a normie I do draw his original bird design too 🙄#I just suck at drawing animals and I’d hate to subject you all to that#I really can only somewhat draw birds and lizards#and the whole lizard thing is because I have three geckos and a bearded dragon so I constantly see them#I’m hoping this phase will die out soon cause I literally just got into mortal kombat December of last year#I try to let my obsessions last a year if I can help it- I don’t like to move on too fast#except for South Park… that was like two months#then I stopped drawing I cause weirdos were asking me to make ship content…#OF FUCKING 4TH GRADERS#LISTEN MAN the South Park main cast… they’re fourth graders#ain’t no reason you should even be INVESTED in shipping them#like sure puppy love is okay- it’s sweet and innocent it’s a kid thing#but if you are actively invested in shipping South Park kids you are a weirdo-#I wouldn’t touch you with a 39 and a half foot pole#but yeah I’m not trying to leave mortal kombat- mostly bi han content but whatever- so quickly#I just have a bad habit of getting obsessed with bratty male characters that you probably can’t fix#bi-han.. lord Shen.. iguro obanai..#Roy Harper.. hakuryuu ren.. senbonzakura- yes byakuya zanpakto I was OBSESSED with him#I just saw a dude with long hair and a bad attitude and was like ‘oh word?’#I took a personality test and apparently because I like all these characters it means I don’t like my dad#which is true actually… I don’t like that man. self righteous pain in my ass#but yeah you may see like a few more lord shen posts? then I’ll stop#cause I dunno man- some people been asking me for some… weird shit that I don’t wanna draw#and it’s like.. yeah I guess if Shen is human in the art it’s okay#but if you’re simping for the actual peacock then I really don’t know what to tell you#I one of you mfs ask me for a Shen body pillow again im gonna start breaking dinner plates istg
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Lonely prince
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wundrousarts · 3 months
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Mini Silverborn Countdown
If you’ve been around for a few years, you’ve seen me vaguely mention a “Silverborn Countdown Challenge” several times. It’s been delayed and changed as many times as the book itself, lol.
If anyone wants sort of a low-stakes, very chill and spaced out version of this ye olde never tackled challenge to complete in the next year before Silverborn, I propose what I’m doing:
Every 3 months leading up to the initial release, I am creating one thing based on each of the books.
January — Nevermoor
April — Wundersmith
July — Hollowpox
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cerealforkart · 10 months
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Just had a wild dream. I was at RTX and went to the DnDads event, but it wasn’t a live show, they showed a whole Dungeons and Daddies animated movie. I just watched Across the Spiderverse last night, which has bled into my brain forever, so it had all that good trippy dimension stuff and the teens were superheroes (sorta. Normal slipped into a dimension where they were superheroes and was trying to fix it but doing a bad job) and of course it had the gorgeous animation style of Spiderverse. Anyways. All this to say, I might need to make a superhero AU now
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blaithnne · 4 months
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so I’m realising my intense anxiety for Hilda’s third season to come out is PROBABLY an autism thing
#like. it’s been 2 years of it being the same#the fandoms been in the same place and the show has too#and now it’s gonna change and it is giving me so much anxiety#when the special interest is so intense that you feel physically ill at the thought of new content because it’s just so overwhelming#<- that’s not my usual exaggerated ‘I’m so unwell’ thing either like I have layed awake at night feeling#sick LMAO#bc of s3#which is so frustrating because I’m excited! I love this show! I want more!#but because it’s so important to me. new content is going to have a big effect on me#and I don’t want it too cries#does that make sense? no? sick#it’s either an autism thing or there’s just something wrong with me either way I’d like this feeling to go away please it isn’t fun#hilda#textpost#it’s like I just want it to come out already so I can watch it and know what’s happening cause I hate not knowing what’s going on#i need to have. my information organised#and rn I don’t#and that makes me rlly anxious lolz#like I’m anxious for season 3 in a good excited way#but also in a geniunley bad way#I wish my brain was. normal lo#l#this got more venty than I meant it to sorryblads#might delete later#I’m sad hilda is ending bc it’s over and I don’t want it to be but#also it’s weirdly comforting to know that I don’t have to go through this intense anxiety again#cause I don’t get like this with other fandoms! dr who for example I’m living new content#but for Hilda I geniunkey feel unwell#it’s the same with the idea of there ever being new ducktales content#I care so much that it’s. bad for me lol??
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moon-ursidae · 1 year
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THE LAST OF US HBO SOUNDTRACK IS OUT!!!! I REPEAT IT IS OUT!!!
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frecklydork · 8 months
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god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!
there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;
#I’m gonna wear pink glitter in my hair too for opening night#woof#like i know im gonna be rly tense but i have been doing SO much better than i was just a month ago#if anything ill just be incredibly tense at first. but i genuinely think ill relax more as the movie progresses#bc ive been using grounding techniques for months and ive been working so goddamn hard to reclaim pink#WHICH IS SUCH HUGE PROGRESS FOR ME to think back to january when i couldnt look at pink at ALL#and i think seeing pink literally every single second for 2 hours straight in the barbie movie#is gonna also help my brain be like 'oh hey everything is fine' help it to become desensitized#bc ive been doing exposure therapy and im doing so much better than i was even just one month ago!!!!!!!#barbie is my girlfriend. and ken is my boyfriend. and i have two hands they can hold#god!!! you know how many barbies im gonna kiss!!!!! SO MANY#this is MY movie i have been so fucking excited to see!! its my number one favorite thing ive been looking forward to!!!!#i have wanted to see this! so! fucking! badly! and fuck anybody who tried to ruin that for me#i dont want ptsd to control my life#i feel like im riding a bull and gripping it by the horns while its trying to kick me off while im yelling Not Today Bitch#thats what trying to reclaim triggers feels like#but i can fucking feel it working i can feel myself getting better with some of these triggers i cant believe it#and i think just a year from now most of these triggers wont be severe anymore#which is my goal. i dont even need them to be cured completely i just want to function normally#cannot tell u how fucking unreal it is to have so many triggers that are like. normal everyday stuff#colors. clothes. phrases. transformers. im taking ALL of that shit back#STARTING WITH PINK ONE OF MY FAVORITE GODDAMN COLORS 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖#THE EMOJI LOOKS RED ON DESKTOP BUT THAT IS OKAY.
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moregraceful · 9 months
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MONTANA ONYEBUCHI SIGNED AN ELC WITH ARIZONA COYOTES AND I’M SO PROUD OF HIM I COULD BARF!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!
Yotes fans you are getting SUCH a good one. I don’t have much lore about him, mostly just a vibe check, so here are my main facts you need to know about Montana:
1. Loves the boys. LOVES the boys. I think our coaching staff wished he had loved the boys a little less, because the way Montana loves is simply “I don’t like how you looked my small frail forward, so I’m going to kill you in real life.” He is so protective of the boys, especially of the younger guys. He had two years with Cuda (undrafted out of uhhh the WHL I think but this is also why I am barfing, because he was NEVER sure thing) and by year two he was like I will do literally anything for these guys. I personally loved that because I found it very sexy that his love language is murder. If you don’t like fighting and guys who take dumbass penalties, you will hate Montana, but his protective instinct is so strong and I think it’s delightful!!! I can’t even call him a goon really, because it’s never like he’s starting shit just to start shit, he’s not out here causing trouble for fun, it is ALWAYS because he took offense at how someone was behaving around his teammates.
2. He is so hot it is unreal. he had all of San Jose drooling. Our one (1) local podcast guy, a married dude with a kid, once interviewed him and started off the interview with “has there ever been a bad photo taken on you?” AND THERE NEVER HAS BEEN. (Montana took this comment SO graciously, he is an icon.) Like I try to stick to my age bracket generally but oh my god. He had the whole fanbase (there are about 10 of us) sweatin
3. TOTAL sweetheart with the fans. I never heard any fan talk shit about him in the arena, and the nature of the Cuda fanbase in San Jose is such that someone is always talking shit. To my knowledge, always willing to take photos, always willing stop and say hi, never out here with a huge ego, doesn’t take anything for granted. Just an enormous man with a huge heart who was really appreciative that San Jose took a chance on an undrafted overager. He will probably be like this in Arizona.
Tl;dr absolutely lionheart-coded, I hope he finds a king in Arizona!!! Sadly the rumor is that he did not want to stay in San Jose because San Jose would not let him play injured, which is. lol. why are they like this. I guess he did not appreciate watching his friends get the shit knocked out of them day in and day out while he could not protect them. I assume he spends a good deal of time with the Roadrunners, which is hilarious bc they are like the Cuda’s second (maybe first now that the Heat are in Calgary) biggest rivalry and he got into it with them five million times last season. But I truly truly wish him well and I am so proud he signed an ELC somewhere and I hope he thrives in Arizona. Also if he goes to Australia for the Global Series I will cry real tears of joy and pride.
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darthbecky726 · 6 months
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you. mutual. tell me something you like about yourself right now and no cop-outs!!! idc how big or small but do it 🔫
I sing choral music pretty well
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chanstopher · 7 months
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guys my birthday is in a few days i’m soooo pumped 😭
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